Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 39
February 9, 2021
Why It’s Okay to Take Sex Off the Table for a Time
That should not be a revolutionary thing to say, but I remember hearing about a big marriage conference on one of those cruises where a panel of experts was answering questions. One question from the audience came from a woman who was asking,
My husband has had a porn addiction and I feel very betrayed. He says he is trying to get better, but I see no evidence of it. Do I have to keep having sex with him anyway, even if he’s not getting any help?
One female panelist said that often a period of abstaining from sex while he resets his brain, gets some help, and rebuilds trust is necessary. Another big name pastor on that panel, though, said that that was out of the question because that would be depriving him.
This week we’re looking at the idea that “women are methadone for a husband’s sex addiction“, as Every Man’s Battle, Sheet Music, Love & Respect, and other popular evangelical resources purport. We dealt with this on last week’s podcast, but it’s also a big chapter in our upcoming book The Great Sex Rescue.
I’ve talked before about how it’s okay to say no to sex at times, and that we need to understand that consent is still a thing, even (or especially!) in marriage. Rape in marriage can occur, and it is never okay.
I want to address this pastor’s response, though, about how saying no to sex when a guy is recovering from a porn addiction would be “depriving” him. To do that, I’d like to go back to first principles.
When the Bible says “do not deprive”, it isn’t talking about one-sided ejaculation.The “do not deprive” passage in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 is not saying that you aren’t allowed to refuse your husband orgasm on demand. It is not saying that you aren’t allowed to deprive him of one-sided intercourse. The picture painted by 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 is one of complete mutuality:
The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
1 Corinthians 7:3-5 In the Bible, sex is life-giving; it is not soul-sapping.Sex, according to Genesis 4:1, is a deep “knowing” of one another. And sex, throughout the Bible, is something mutual.
Biblical sex, then, is mutual, intimate, and pleasurable. And the reason that sex is supposed to be within marriage is because sex is relational. It is about two people knowing each other more deeply and becoming vulnerable with one another; it is not only about one person.
That means that sex is something that binds your hearts together and builds you up. For that to happen, then you both need to matter. Sex isn’t only about one person’s needs or desires; sex is about the desire both of you have to be more fully seen and known. If sex is only about one person’s need for orgasm, then it’s almost an erasure of the other person. As soon as it becomes about only one person’s needs, then the other person becomes a placeholder. Sex is not using someone to masturbate using them; sex is to know someone. If you are using them only for your own sexual gratification, with no concern about how this making the other person feel, then sex ceases to be biblical at all.
This pastor made a common mistake: He equated a husband ejaculating with life-giving sex.No, life-giving sex is about two people. And when porn has distorted sex for both people, then the answer is not to allow him to continue to ejaculate while using her; the answer is to figure out how both of you can find sex to be life-giving in your relationship again.
For most couples where porn has been a problem, this means taking time off of sex.
The betrayed spouse needs time to heal and needs to have trust rebuiltSpouses of porn users often suffer from “betrayal trauma”, where they actually have trauma responses to sex because of how the husband’s (or wife’s) porn use has affected them. When sex is supposed to be something that binds you together, but when you instead feel used and erased and rejected, then sex becomes triggering. Sex can’t be intimate and life-giving until you change the association and rebuild trust, and often get some help.
I talked about this more in the 4 stages of porn recovery.
The porn user needs to take time away from sex to learn how to deal with negative emotions without sex.Porn users tend to deal with stress, anxiety, frustration, rejection, loneliness, anger–really any negative emotion by turning to porn, or even sex. And at heart this is a running away from intimacy.
While Every Man’s Battle recommends quitting “lust” and porn by simply transferring all your sexual energy onto your wife, this is a terrible approach. It doesn’t get to the root issue, which is that there’s a hunger for intimacy that has been channeled into wrong places. Often porn users use orgasm as a substitute for intimacy with another human being. The hormonal high that orgasm brings allows them to escape having to become vulnerable with another human being.
This connection has to be broken, and that can often only occur when there’s a fast from sex and porn. Even secular sources know this. The famous “nofap” movement on secular websites, which encourage porn users to quit sex, masturbation, and porn for 30 days to reset their brain’s dependence on orgasm for emotional release.
Why would Christians, who should believe that sex should be intimate even more than others do, see abstaining from sex as such a scary thing?When we reviewed the evangelical best-sellers for The Great Sex Rescue, we saw over and over again the books talking about men’s greatest need as being for sex, and how if women don’t give sex, men will likely watch porn. There’s a big misunderstanding in our literature and our teaching about sex.
So let’s be clear: If our prescription for marriage leaves one spouse crying and desperate and the other emotionally detached, then we are not being Christlike. When we are following Christ, we should look less selfish, not more selfish. Our advice should be life-giving, not soul crushing.
I don’t recommend that you just cut your spouse off from sex willy nilly; I think this is often a necessary step, that should ideally be pursued with a licensed counselor while the porn addict gets help with the addiction. But to say that you can never say no to sex because he has a right to it turns sex from something that is about knowing to something that is only about entitlement. And sex should never be seen as an entitlement; sex should be a way to show love and create intimacy. Entitlement doesn’t create intimacy; it kills it.
One of the first things we do in The Great Sex Rescue is to invite all of us to change the definition of sex.It should no longer just be intercourse, especially one-sided intercourse; instead, biblical sex is something that is mutual, intimate, and pleasurable. If we understand that, all the rest naturally follows.
God’s concern is not that we should orgasm, but instead that we should be intimate. When orgasm takes precedence over intimacy, then we’ve lost the biblical vision of sex entirely.
The Great Sex RescueLaunches March 2!
What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?What if the things that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these messages?
Welcome to the Great Sex Rescue. Pre-Order Now! (Helps us out a ton)And if you email your receipt, we'll send you a special pre-order BONUS
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Pre-Order Now Claim Your Pre-Order Bonus If sex doesn’t bring you together, but instead strengthens the rift between you, then something is wrong.If you are emotionally disconnected from each other, and sex feels like you are being used by another, that isn’t right. It’s okay to say, “let’s talk about this. I’m feeling used.”
Sex should never be something where you feel used. So speak up. See a counselor. Read the Great Sex Rescue! But don’t ever feel like you have to consent to being a receptacle. That isn’t of God.
Do you find that we stress “do not deprive him of orgasm” more than we stress “let sex bind you together?” Let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts A Valentine’s Day TreatFeb 3, 2021 | 1 Comment
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February 8, 2021
With Porn, We Need More Than a Gospel of Sin Avoidance
Last week on the podcast we were talking about how women are not methadone for their husbands’ sin addictions. They can’t just have sex with wives and then think that the porn addiction will go away.
First, that teaching dehumanizes women, treating us like objects (and second class ones at that; we’re a dismal substitute for what men really want).
But second, it doesn’t even work. We know from our survey and others that having sex with your wife does not stop a man from wanting to see porn. And, in fact, many times watching porn causes men to stop wanting to have sex with their wives!
So wives putting out more cannot be the solution to porn addiction.
Our guest, Michael John Cusick, summed this up so well that I want to take a minute and reiterate some of what he said.Quoting Dallas Willard, he said: “We need more than a gospel of sin avoidance.”
I’m going to paraphrase Michael here, but his main message was this:
Jesus doesn’t just save us. He heals us. He binds up our wounds. Jesus’ first sermon was to bind up broken hearts and set captives free.
We tend to see the gospel as: “Jesus died for my sins, I ask Him into my life, and then I try to be a good person until I go to heaven.”
But that’s not the gospel! The real gospel is about transformation and restoration; that I’m made whole so that my cup overflows into the world and the kingdom comes.
If the gospel can’t address porn, let’s go home.
Most Christians are caught between ceaseless striving and indulging brokenness, but the restorative gospel of Jesus is a third way, that makes us free through restoration and transformation.
We need to stop focusing on sobriety–get men to stop sinning. The goal is not sobriety. That’s the doorway. The goal is freedom and healing.
And freedom is not the ability to do whatever we want, but the ability to do what we most need to do.
We are looking for freedom and restoration and transformation when it comes to porn use, not just striving to stop watching porn.And what so many men (and female porn users) need is to have a real transformation with how they see intimacy. With porn use, often men’s negative emotions are channelled into porn. Bored? Watch porn. Frustrated and angry? Watch porn, It will make you feel better; more in control. It will give you that rush. Stressed? Watch porn. It will help you forget and help you escape. Lonely? Watch porn. It will make you feel that rush of hormones, and also make you feel like somebody wants you.
Now, let’s back up a minute. Do you remember a while ago I shared about the five levels of communication–cliches, facts, opinions, feelings, and needs/fears/dreams? Well, we get more vulnerable as we move down that chain.
Many couples never get beyond opinions, only rarely sharing feelings, and even more rarely sharing needs or fears.
The problem with porn is that many men have taken those needs and fears and transferred them to porn.This means the very basis for real intimacy has been stripped out of the marriage, and has been directed towards pornography. Many men (and female porn users as well) have ended up short-circuiting their own ability to enjoy intimacy because it’s all been transferred to pornography, and they have no experience becoming vulnerable with anyone.
They don’t know how to bond or form attachments in the same way because the very impetus for that bonding–the very thing we share as we grow intimate–has been triggers for porn use rather than bonding with the wife.
Then what’s happened? When they’re stressed at work, worried about money–conversations that in a healthy marriage would cause a couple to bond closer together and be there for each other–the porn user has often just gotten grumpy and prickly and angry because the stress makes them really “need” to watch porn, but the wife’s presence or the kids’ presence makes that too difficult.
So these moments that could be bonding moments instead are moments when he just pushes her farther away.
Quitting porn without learning how to become intimate will not fix a relationship.That’s what Michael Cusick was talking about! We need a gospel of transformation, that changes a porn user from the inside out and helps them heal and become vulnerable again. Helps them so they don’t have to hide.
Just this morning I woke up to yet another comment from the wife of a porn user (I usually wake up to several comments on various older posts, every single day). She writes:
How do I forgive when my husband had no intention of confessing? I found out and he stopped the porn use but he said he planned to do it forever until I found it. Now he feels like a new man but I’m devastated and don’t feel I will ever trust him again. He planned to deceive me for the rest of our marriage.
Exactly. You can’t move on until the porn user has shown that they’re committed not just to quitting porn, but to addressing the underlying intimacy issues.That’s why simply vowing that he’ll never do it again and he’ll try harder isn’t enough. How does the wife know anything has changed? If he’s still not sharing emotions with her; if he’s still acting distant; how does she know?
She needs to feel close to him. She needs him to be vulnerable and real with her.
She needs him to be restored and whole.
That’s what Jesus does. Jesus binds up our infirmities. He carries our sorrows, our hurts, the things that made us run away from real intimacy in the first place.
On the cross, He shows us that the most powerful One in the universe allowed Himself to be hurt for our sake–not only so that our sins would be forgiven, but to show that sacrifice and vulnerability are the key to the kingdom of God. That it’s not about bravado and false fronts and pretending to have it all together. It’s about humbling yourself.
And then He gives us the power of the Holy Spirit to make this real in our lives.
Just saying you’ll quit porn is not enough.Phil, one of our long-time commenters, has been drilling down on this in the comments for years, and I so appreciate his tenacity. When he quit, he also needed help. He needed a recovery group. He needed to address his own issues. He needed to understand what real intimacy looked like, and to be able to open up to his wife.
So many women are shattered because their husbands have promised change, and then told the wives that they should accept that on faith, but nothing is changing in the way they relate to their wives. They don’t open up. They’re still angry. They’re still distant.
The gospel must be more than just sin avoidance.
That’s why Every Man’s Battle doesn’t work. That’s why we need a bigger conversation about this. We need to see both how big God is, and how vulnerable Jesus allowed Himself to be.
And then we need to let that change our lives.
This is the conversation we want to start with The Great Sex Rescue.Our book launches in just three weeks now, and the 400 people on our launch team have been incredible and so encouraging! If you’ve pre-ordered, you can join the launch team and get access to the book right away. Just send me your receipt (the details are lower down on this page) and you’ll get an invite to the Facebook Group. We’ve already done two Facebook Lives with more to come!
Here’s just a little bit about what they’ve told us so far:
I’m about 4 chapters in and soaking in everything I’m reading. This book reads like a best friend over coffee and I don’t want the conversation to end. Thank you for meeting women where they are. I’m carving time out of my day to sit and read!
We just want to help change the conversation in the evangelical world.Our resources have treated women as the solution to men’s porn addictions–or else they’ve told men they just need to try harder.
Those aren’t the solutions.
Let’s get back to the real gospel of Jesus.
The Great Sex RescueLaunches March 2! What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?What if the things that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these messages?
Welcome to the Great Sex Rescue. Pre-Order Now! (Helps us out a ton)And if you email your receipt, we'll send you a special pre-order BONUS
Time to Pre-OrderDay(s)
:
Hour(s)
:
Minute(s)
:
Second(s)
Pre-Order Now Claim Your Pre-Order Bonus If porn is the story of your marriage, know that we are so, so sorry.We’ve seen so many people struggle with this–and so many female porn users struggle as well.
But please know that the gospel is big enough to help you through this. But it won’t help if you only focus on stopping watching porn.
It will only help if you allow Jesus into those deep recesses where you’re scared to go.
Vulnerability and intimacy are the real transforming power, and they come through the healing work of the One who binds up all our wounds.
If you’re having trouble, please seek a licensed counselor who knows about sex addictions and betrayal trauma, because there is a way through.
You may also enjoy:The Four Stages of Porn Recovery4 Things You Must Do if Your Husband Uses Porn10 Things to Know about Women and Porn10 Effects of Porn on your Brain and Your MarriagePorn and Anger: How porn use stunts emotional growth
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts Can We Talk Breastfeeding in Church?Feb 2, 2021 | 25 Comments
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February 5, 2021
How I’m Personally Coping with the “You’re His Methadone” Message
I want to pull back the curtain today and share the personal side of what’s going on in me right now, because so many of you poured out your stories yesterday here and on social media after the podcast. I’d like to share a bit of my emotional journey this week in particular.
But let me back up to the beginning. When I first read Love & Respect in January 2019, I’ve equated it with a nuclear bomb going off in my living room. I was not prepared for how terrible it was with regards to women and sex, and you can read all about that in my initial Love & Respect post, and my ultimate post, the Open Letter to Focus on the Family about it. I honestly couldn’t believe it. He talked about sex as only about a husband’s physical release; he made fun of a woman bringing up her husband’s porn use and doubled down that she should lose weight instead; and so much more.
It was honestly jarring. I didn’t know that the evangelical world said these things about women because I had never read it before.
A year later we embarked on our huge survey to try to get to the bottom of it, and The Great Sex Rescue was written.
(Wow, I just put that in the passive tense. Way to downplay how much work that was, Sheila!)
Anyway, we surveyed 20,000 women to see what teachings had harmed their sex lives, and I read all the evangelical best-sellers and applied our 12-point rubric of healthy sexuality teaching to them.
And so, as I read Every Man’s Battle, I came to the methadone lines that we talked about in the podcast yesterday.
“Your wife can be a methadone-like fix when your temperature is rising.” (p. 118)“Once he tells you he’s going cold turkey, be like a merciful vial of methadone for him.” (p. 120)
Every Man's BattleNaturally I freaked out, because a year earlier, we’d been trying to convey how dehumanizing the message was that said that using your wife in place of porn was a good recovery route. Rebecca came up with the idea that your wife is not methadone. We thought that was so awful, so gross, that people may get it.
But then I read it in Every Man’s Battle and saw that they thought it was a selling feature.
So of course I got on FaceTime and spent that day venting with Rebecca and Joanna.
Since then, I’ve read far more of the same type of thing in so many different evangelical books.And to be honest, it’s been a long time since I’ve FaceTimed either of them just to vent about how awful something is in a book.
That leads me to the story that I want to share of what happened to me on Wednesday.
I was recording an episode of The Worthy Podcast, with Elyse Fitzpatrick and Eric Schumacher.We were talking about some of the really horrendous teachings about women in these evangelical books, and I rattled off the typical methadone quote–“once he goes cold turkey, be like a merciful vial of methadone for him,” and I kept going.
Well, Elyse looked like she was going to have a heart attack and cough up her tonsils all at the same time. She sputtered and spattered and made me repeat that, slowly.
They just couldn’t believe it. They were speechless and flabbergasted.
And a part of me mourned, because calling women methadone, as dehumanizing and awful as that is, doesn’t even register to me anymore.
I talked about this on Twitter, and a number of people told me that likely my body and my brain were protecting me from damaging messages and had just turned off my shock-o-meter, and that’s likely true. When I’m immersed in this all the time, as we’re gearing up for the release of The Great Sex Rescue (the book that will put all of this to rest once and for all!), it is tiring, and I do need to protect myself.
But over the last two days, since we recorded both yesterday’s podcast and the one with Elyse and Eric, I’ve let myself feel a bit.The first thing I realized I felt was hopelessness.
I took a look at who endorsed Every Man’s Battle. Max Lucado said “Every male needs to read this book.” Les & Leslie Parrott said it would transform marriages; Josh McDowell put his name to it. And so many more. These big name authors, that we don’t associate with bad things, thought it was important that women were called methadone.
How does that happen in the evangelical world?
And can our book start stemming the tide? Will people listen?
The next thing I realized I felt was loneliness.
Katie’s been home this week and we’ve been reminiscing about the past, and I realized that the last time I let myself feel part of a church body was when they were young. I threw myself heart and soul into that church, even though they didn’t treat me particularly well. I volunteered at all kinds of ministries, including leading a praise team and children’s ministry. I led women’s Bible studies. I made so many friends there. I loved people’s kids. We always went out to lunch with different families every week.
It felt like they were my family.
But after a while, I just couldn’t handle how they treated me as a woman (which is a long story; some of it is in this podcast). And i realized that at the church I went to next, though I really enjoyed it, I never let myself feel like they were my family. I’m not sure if i ever can again. I started making my family from friends outside of church, and forming my own little group, because it’s really hard to trust after you’ve given your whole heart to something, and then you realize that they see you in a degrading way. It was tough.
What I’m trying to feel right now is hope.
We’ve got 386 people on our Launch Team for The Great Sex Rescue, and way more than that have pre-ordered (thank you!). And if you want to join the Launch Team, it’s super easy. Just pre-order the book and email me the receipt (all the info and links are here), and you’ll get an email back with our awesome pre-order bonuses and an invite to the Facebook Group launch team! Plus Baker Books has The Great Sex Rescue on for just over $10, so it’s really affordable!
The Great Sex RescueLaunches March 2! What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?What if the things that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these messages?
Welcome to the Great Sex Rescue. Pre-Order Now! (Helps us out a ton)And if you email your receipt, we'll send you a special pre-order BONUS
Time to Pre-OrderDay(s)
:
Hour(s)
:
Minute(s)
:
Second(s)
Pre-Order Now Claim Your Pre-Order BonusAnd honestly, the book is hopeful. Sure, it shows how our resources have talked about marriage and sex in totally unhealthy ways, but it also points us to something better. And it validates all of you who always felt like something was off.
I want to believe that we can change things. I hate to think that most evangelical leaders think it’s okay to call women methadone for their husband’s porn addictions, and I am praying so hard that other evangelical leaders start speaking out, so it’s not just me. So many amazing counselors are speaking out (like Andrew Bauman and MIchael John Cusick, who have been on our podcasts), but I’d love to see some other authors speak out. Please pray with me about that, okay? We need to stop the evangelical machine where everybody endorses everybody else and speaks at the conferences and never says anything bad because no one wants to lose book deals.
People should matter more than money.
I think I’ll leave you with some comments today that have given me hope this week. But in the meantime, if you have anything to say that can help me see the light at the end of the tunnel, I’d love to hear it!
We used to have a LOT more issues before we came across Sheila’s page about 8 years ago. It’s taken a long time for me to change some of my mindsets I’ve had.
When my husband got a job that involved a lot of travel I worried constantly about him cheating on me even though he’d done nothing to give me reason to believe that he would. I bought into the whole “if you don’t give him enough sex he’ll cheat and it’ll be your fault.” After having 3 kids in rapid succession, I actually believed my husband had the right to cheat on me because I wasn’t meeting his needs and I felt like such a failure which killed my sex drive even more. Shortly after he got back from a business training trip I discovered “To Love, Honor and Vacuum” and it helped towards me being honest with my husband and our marriage healing. It would take years, though, before I finally realized that it didn’t matter how much I failed at being a wife my husband still would have no excuse to cheat and, finally, for the first time I didn’t worry about it constantly. Recently he and I talked about that mindset again and he told me how hurtful it was to him that I constantly believed that he had and would cheat when he’d done nothing to give me any indication that he had. I’m so thankful for Sheila and her “team” and then changing the harmful mindset that so many of us grew up with. I am personally excited about this book because I’m the guy who had to work to undo all the damage caused by poor teaching in evangelical churches and from reading books like Every Man’s Battle and from purity culture. I’m the guy who was taught that women’s bodies are for the man’s gratification and all that other nonsense. I’m the guy who was bullied and picked on for not being manly enough or never fitting into any “manliness” stereotypical category these books offered. I’m the guy who was molested as a child and introduced to porn at a young age and struggled with it (and other issues) for years. I’m now also the guy who’s recovering from all this and is working to rebuild my marriage the way God intended for it to work, being the man God intended me to be while being comfortable with whom he created me to be, and treating my wife the way she deserves to be treated. There’s been a lot of reprogramming, undoing bad teaching, learning about and overcoming addictions, and dealing with trauma. Our marriage is a testimony to God’s healing, grace, love, mercy, faithfulness, and forgiveness, and I hope he can use that to encourage others as well. I am also very invested in how Sheila, her husband, her daughters, and her sons-in-law have been talking about modesty and purity culture so as not to subject my own kids to the same garbage I was fed!When I sought help for my marriage, a preacher told me that the only reason my ex used porn was due to the fact I wasn’t making myself available to him. I was too young and embarrassed to tell the preacher the length I had gone to in attempts to get my ex’s attention. I’m so glad you are telling the truth about this devastating addiction.
For three decades I’ve heard that my body is for his stress release, comfort, etc not just from my husband but from the church and so many women my age. This was so prevalent that women would worry about their husbands stress level without sex if they needed major surgery!! I just don’t get it. These are mature adult men who care about your physical health. Thank you for shedding light on these horrible messages in the church.
Such a great podcast episode. I love to hear that fire in Rebecca’s voice. As someone who has struggled with sex in her own marriage, it breaks my heart to think of all the men and women who have read these books and take them as gospel. Just because something is labeled “Christian” doesn’t mean it aligns with Jesus. Thank you for speaking truth into the lives of men and women and challenging “the man” (of the evangelical world).
Exactly. Just because something says it’s Christian doesn’t mean it aligns with Jesus!
Let’s always use Jesus as our plumb line.He should be the ultimate guide. If something doesn’t walk like Jesus, talk like Jesus, or do things Jesus would do, that something is not of Jesus.
Have any more encouragement for me? I’d love to hear it!
And remember–we’re going LIVE on Facebook to talk about this at noon today in the Launch Team Book Ambassador Group! So pre-order and send in your receipt for the invite!
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts 12 Ways to Help Christian Men Overcome LustFeb 1, 2021 | 51 Comments
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February 4, 2021
The “You’re Not Methadone for His Porn Addiction” Podcast
And yet that’s exactly what Every Man’s Battle tells women to do!
“Your wife can be a methadone-like fix when your temperature is rising.”
“Once he tells you he’s going cold turkey, be like a merciful vial of methadone for him.”
Every Man's BattleOn today’s podcast we’re going to look at how prevalent the idea that “women should have sex to stop their husbands from watching porn” is in our evangelical best-sellers–and how to have discernment so we see how wrong this is.
Listen in!
Browse all the Different Podcasts
See the Last “Start Your Engines” (Men’s) Podcast
Or, of course, you can watch the podcast! Timeline of the Podcast:2:05 Saying “Just put out more or he’ll watch porn” definitely,100% will for sure get your wife in the mood
4:03 Research: What happens if people believe the ‘porn message’?
8:16 The Church needs to STOP blaming women for men’s sexual sin
11:45 An example from Sheet Music
18:19 Every Heart Restored is just GROSS
26:50 Porn use makes the Christian advice physically impossible
29:20 Transfering your lust doesn’t make it right
34:38 Michael John Cusick joins in for a conversation on restoration and healing from pornography use
51:22 Finishing off with some good news
We shared some of our data from The Great Sex Rescue, our book that launches March 2! We had such fun this week on our first Facebook Live for people who have pre-ordered.
And if you’re going to buy the book anyway (which you should; it’s awesome); why not pre-order now, and then get our bonuses, including the scorecard we talked about in the podcast? Plus you’ll be invited to join our exclusive Facebook group! All the info is here.
The Great Sex RescueLaunches March 2! What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?What if the things that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these messages?
Welcome to the Great Sex Rescue. Pre-Order Now! (Helps us out a ton)And if you email your receipt, we'll send you a special pre-order BONUS
Time to Pre-OrderDay(s)
:
Hour(s)
:
Minute(s)
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Pre-Order Now Claim Your Pre-Order BonusWe read a bunch of excerpts from problematic books in this podcast, like Sheet Music, Every Man’s Battle, and Every Heart Restored, that all told women that they had to have sex so their husbands would stop watching porn.
All of them made sex about a husband’s ejaculation rather than about intimacy.
All of them ignored how you can’t defeat lust by lusting after your wife; you need to deal with the way that you have seen sex in a selfish way and how you have run away from intimacy.
Warning: Some of the quotes we read were really disturbing.In fact, they were so disturbing that Baker Books made us take them out our original manuscript for Great Sex Rescue. They were just too awful.
We agree–they were. And yet they were in our evangelical best-sellers.
Can we please start to read with a more discerning eye? Please listen in! This is very illuminating.
And then remember: porn use often causes sexual dysfunction and a lack of libido.The advice to “just have sex” is such a slap in the face for so many women married to men who can no longer perform, or no longer want to perform, because of porn, as these questions show:
My husband will not stop watching porn and I am absolutely devastated.
I have told him at least two dozen times it is a deal breaker for me and he keep promises it won’t happen again.
Before he met me it was the only thing he watched but that ended when I moved in. Married a year later and he gave all his movies away. We had four years of great marriage until he got his first cell phone and a friend of his started sending him porn videos on Facebook.
I am so sick to my stomach. I have offered to watch porn with him but he says he finds that very weird and won’t have it. I have found he has friended women on Facebook who run sex chat lines and send out porn pictures of themselves. He saves pictures onto his phone as well.
Every time I catch him he brushes it off while I shake and feel nauseous. He wonders why I now have such low self esteem and insecurities with him. I can no longer stand listening to him talk about other women especially comments of how pretty they are. Oral sex used to bring him to orgasm. That is no longer happening. He can only reach orgasm by looking at my from behind now.
I loved and trusted him so much up until six months ago and now my feelings are all screwed up. Our sex life had been good, 3 to 5 times a week, now he is claiming the high blood pressure pills are not allowing him to get erections anymore.
I don’t want to explode but I feel like I am imploding.
My husband is unbeliever addicted to porn, we hardly have sex, he is hardly interested. My sexual drive is too high I beg him so much to please have sex but he says No. He says he doesn’t want to and he’ll approach me when he wants it. When he does it’s over in 2 minutes.
What do I do?
Finally, we brought on Michael John Cusick to help a woman move forward after a husband’s porn addictionMichael John Cusick has done a lot of work in the field of sex addiction, and he found me on Twitter when I was talking about why the Every Man’s Battle philosophy is so bad.
He agrees. He thinks it’s putting a band-aid on something. What we need is healing and transformation, which means looking at the root issues, not just trying to “bounce your eyes”.
It was a great talk! Michael is the author of Surfing for God, a book that helps men discover the root of porn addictions.
Things Mentioned in this Podcast:Our Porn series in April (read the first; the rest are linked from there)Our Porn Habits Podcast: How most porn use predates the marriage (my response to Focus on the Family telling women that men watch porn because their wives don’t have sex enough)Michael John Cusick Website, Podcast, and book: Surfing for God, about discovering the divine desire beneath the sexual struggleAndrew Bauman, author of The Sexually Healthy ManPreorder The Great Sex Rescue and get our scorecard and rubric for the 12 marks of healthy sexuality!Then join our Facebook group to become part of the launch team–see our Facebook Lives; and get a chance to read the book NOW! Just send us your pre-order receipt and you’ll get an invite!
Have you heard the “have sex so he doesn’t watch porn” message? Or have you ever read any of these books? Let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts Ain’t Too Proud to Beg!Jan 29, 2021 | 6 Comments
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February 3, 2021
A Valentine’s Day Treat
Just a quick post today to tell you about something special that’s going on in my shop–plus some other fun stuff!
Last spring, I was scheduled to do speak at some pretty big conferences down in Trinidad and in Alberta. Plus I had more events scheduled in the fall.
But then COVID hit, and we’ve all been stuck at home.
Because of that, I have a lot of inventory of some of my books that I was expecting to sell, but haven’t.
So I’ve decided to sell it at cost (or even a little bit under cost) to make more room in my basement!
How would you like autographed copies of The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and the original 31 Days to Great Sex challenge? The Good Girl’s Guide is everything you want to know about how God made sex to be intimate physically, emotionally, AND spiritually. If you’ve had issues feeling positively about sex, or figuring out how it’s supposed to be intimate, this is the book you need!
And then 31 Days to Great Sex helps you put it into practice. It’s a challenge that you do as couples. Just read 2-4 pages a night, and do what it says! Learn to be more affectionate; flirt more; help the other develop body confidence. Deal with your baggage; figuring out how to make sex feel good; and, of course, spice things up! But the biggest difference couples have told me they’ve experienced is finally being able to talk about sex in an easy, non-awkward way.
You can get them both for $25 USD, including shipping (yes, it’s still $25 USD within Canada; shipping is pretty much the same, I’m sorry to say!) within North America.
I can’t offer this deal outside of North America; if you need them shipped somewhere further away, I’ll have to charge extra for shipping afterwards).
And you can add on my other books for $8 each (or just add on some extra Good Girl’s Guides, all autographed, for bridal shower gifts in the future!)(If you want to order a bunch of copies of Good Girl’s Guide for that purpose, just email me and we’ll figure it out!)
Just tell me what you want me to write in the autograph in the notes section at check out!
Take me to it! Plus jump into the Intimately Us 14 Day Valentine Challenge!Do you remember the awesome, fun, and sexy Intimately Us app I told you about a few months ago?
The app helps you awaken intimacy and passion in your marriage by helping you communicate what you like and don’t like with your spouse, and then playing fun games that let you try new things, draw out foreplay, and find those missing pleasure and excitement pieces in your marriage.
Right now, until February 14, you can take part in a Sextimacy Challenge!
Intimately Us has organized 14 days of fun challenges designed to draw you closer and ignite more passion in your love life! We want you to use this challenge to give more of your heart by caring deeply about your spouse during this season of love.
To participate, download the Intimately Us app and sync it with your spouse.
Until Valentine’s Day, you and your spouse work together as an intimate team to earn points by completing challenges. The more points you earn, the better your chances are at winning prizes!
● 15 Points per person for completing an intimacy challenge (max one per day)
● 50 Points per person for every person that signs up for INtimately Us using your personal code
● 30 Points per couple for playing a bedroom game: Intimately Us, Battlestrip or Sexy Twister (one time)
● 20 Points per person for sending your spouse a sexy invite (one time)
As you complete the challenges and earn points, the “Us” page of the app will update to show you the points you’ve accumulated together during the two weeks of the challenge. No special action is necessary to join the challenge. Simply begin earning points now! And you don’t need to purchase premium access to be a part of the challenge.
During the two weeks of the challenge, the daily intimacy challenges will be oriented around a Valentine’s theme. There are two tracks to choose from: romantic or spicy. Like everything in the app, it’s at your pace. You can adjust the types of challenges you’d like to see in Settings by tapping the gear icon. If you want to make up your own challenge, just create a new “Intimacy Challenge Completed” event on the Intimacy Calendar.
It’s super fun! Join Intimately Us now to start earning–and spicing things up! And then you could win a $400 gift basket!
That looks fun!There you go–two awesome treats to buy yourself for Valentine’s Day! And make it something to celebrate with your beloved!
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts Lust Isn’t Every Man’s Battle–And We’ve Got the Numbers! A PodcastJan 28, 2021 | 41 Comments
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February 2, 2021
Can We Talk Breastfeeding in Church?
Originally on Facebook, we were just talking about weird atmospheres in some evangelical churches where some guys refuse to even look at women because they may be dangerous and the men want to stay pure. So the women are ignored and feel like they’re dangerous, which is a terrible feeling.
In the comments, several women told stories of the shame they felt when breastfeeding, which led to a rather amusing comment which I turned into a graphic:
Well, that led to a ton more comments!
This week we’re looking at how the message “all men struggle with lust; it’s every man’s battle” hurts both women and men.We stared off with the podcast, where we talked about how most men don’t actually lust, but we’ve taught them they do because we’ve conflated lust and sexual attraction. And as we’ve been having this discussion here, I’ve also been talking about this on Facebook, and breastfeeding came up. I’d like to share some of their comments today
One thing I want to say first is that many women said that they had never had any issues with breastfeeding in church at all.That would also have been my experience back in the 90s. I was at a downtown Toronto church, and I usually breastfed in the nursery, but sometimes I’d take the baby into the last pew in the church if I wanted to hear the sermon, because the nursery area tended to be quite loud with lots of conversation going on. But I can’t remember a single negative reaction by anyone.
So problems in church are not universal; many churches are great. And I hope we can get all in that category! I had many, many stories like this one:
Both churches I’ve attended have been WONDERFUL about my breastfeeding my babies. I’ve received nothing but praise for keeping them in church and taking care of their needs. I’m a 2 shirt method breastfeeder, so you can’t see anything anyway, unless you were reeeeally trying. It also helps to have a supportive husband that would knock someone’s block off if they had something to say. He thinks it’s ridiculous that men gawking at breastfeeding women is the woman’s fault. You have eyelids and a neck, LOOK AWAY.
And some awesome men chimed in, too:
Yeah, this is not a thing. Normal adult men can handle being around breastfeeding.
Then there were stories like this which weren’t about breastfeeding per se, but about the general feel of the church when it came to lust:
I don’t feel comfortable breastfeeding in the sanctuary. I usually go to the church office or nursery. Some men in the congregation already look at me a little too closely.
Most stories, though, were of problems specifically with breastfeeding, in and of itself.
And as I talked about yesterday in my post on how churches can create a culture where lust is less common, normalizing something like breastfeeding I believe is a large part of that. Breasts are not just sexual. Normalizing that breasts could be used for feeding babies without causing men to lust I think is an important part in this journey.
So listen in to these stories, and share your own, and hopefully we can make these things less common!
“I was told breastfeeding in church would cause men to lust”When my last child was born I intended to take her along to youth group, where I lead a small group study. I fully intended to feed her there, with no intention of using a cover as I believe that reinforces that this is an inappropriate act that will cause men/boys to lust. I go to a church that is unfortunately very conservative about these things. In anticipation of complaints either from leaders or parents, I talked to the youth minister about it. He said he understood where I was coming from but he has also known men that this is a big problem for in a bible study setting and we need to be loving towards those people. The conversation finished by him saying he trusted me to make wise choices and I said I would compromise by sitting off to the side of the group (in the same room) and not actually leading the study while breastfeeding.
It ended up not being an issue because my baby refused to eat in a place with all that noise!
Fast forward a couple of years and a friend disclosed that he had serious issues with women breastfeeding in his growth group so he stopped going. He talked to leader about this issue and the whole thing simultaneously saddened and maddened me. My friend felt uncomfortable not because in any way breastfeeding causes him to lust but because he is so afraid of the perception from the others in the group that he IS looking and lusting that he didn’t know what to do. When he spoke to that leader he was offered a lot of sympathy and they talked to the women and it was decided they would either cover or leave the room because they didn’t want to make him uncomfortable or have him not come. Other friends also reinforced this, saying it was entirely inappropriate for these mums to be feeding in front of men.
I said to the friend, “actually, no one thinks that you are being gross by simply being in the same room while someone feeds their baby. Those women clearly feel comfortable to feed in front of you and do not think you are checking them out or they wouldn’t do it. Breastfeeding is not a sexual act, you know that and they know that. Just continue to treat them like a person. Do not avoid them or avoid eye contact. Just be normal and before long, the whole situation will feel normal to you!”
He said, “Geez, why didn’t I speak to you 12 months ago about this, it would have saved me a lot of heartache.”
I still feed so sad about this. Someone who did not even grow up in the church has been seriously affected by this teaching and it’s heartbreaking to watch.
We went to a small church for a while where we had the only child. I would sit upstairs in the empty nursery with him and listen to the sermon on a speaker. He was 18mos and still nursing. So of course I would nurse him when he wanted it, uncovered bc we were alone in an empty nursery. He was wiggly and hated covers and I did away with them whenever I could.The pastor pulled me aside and said I had to stop bc there was a camera in the nursery for safety, and it fed to the sound guy’s booth and he could see. I. Had to stop. Nursing my baby. In an empty nursery. Because the sound guy couldn’t look away. I have never been so simultaneously embarrassed, humiliated, and angry in my life.
Was told I would be a stumbling block to my brothers if I dared to nurse without a cover by several ladies. It’s funny, when I would nurse with a cover I had looks from others, nursing without a cover and no one has a clue what I’m doing. I was nursing, with my skin completely covered, in the lobby area of the church. I was completely alone in there during the service. One of the men walked by, and I guess figured out what I was doing (even though a few of the older ladies in the church had also walked by at other times and came up and patted baby’s head thinking he was just sleeping until I TOLD them… so totally modest by any definition, right?) He COVERS HIS EYES WITH HIS HAND as he walks by. I asked his wife about it later, and she said that he does that to anyone that isn’t dressed modestly so that he’s not tempted. She said this like he was completely in the right, and I was doing something wrong!I’ve had worse said to me, but not at church… 4 babies and a combined total of 11+ years of breastfeeding and I’ve learned not to care one whit what others think of how I feed my children!
“I was relegated to a tiny/gross place while breastfeeding in church and was lonely and missed out.”So many women expressed some form of this. Why am I showering and getting dressed to go to church, only to spend the whole time sitting alone in the nursery where I can’t even hear the service anyway?
I remember visiting a church and seeing signs up that breastfeeding was only allowed in the “designated area,” which was a cubby inside the women’s restroom. I was horrified. That’s enough to keep me from returning to that church. I remember mother’s shutting themselves in a teeny tiny room in between the nurseries at church…. Apparently, even the nurseries weren’t safe for breast feeding. I still would never dare breastfeed in church despite attending a very welcoming church now. The horror still lingers. We have a nursing mother’s room at our church where you can watch the service and nurse privately. I found myself feeling completely isolated, as I would usually have to be in there all throughout the service and then in bible study as well, since babies cry. I wish I had the courage just do it at least in bible study. It was a very lonely time. I’m a pastor, married to a pastor in Canada. We were at a ministers conference in Atlanta, Georgia. My daughter was only a few months old and I put a blanket over me and started to nurse her. A moment later an usher came over and asked me if I’d be more comfortable in the nursing section. I went… it was a row of chairs in the back hall, all facing the wall. I went back to my seat and finished nursing there. At our home church, I’ve nursed in the front row! I can’t say that at the time I felt shamed for feeding my baby, but I did feel like I was expected to leave the room or the service. I did leave (because that’s what the mothers before me had done or because I had been shown a “quiet room” upon entering someone’s home) and I hated it. I often would return home and wonder why I had even gone out in the first place. I know the friends and family whose homes I was in were trying to be kind and helpful and it was nice to know where I could go if I needed a quiet place. I also don’t think anyone in my church ever nursed their baby in the service before then. I only left the room with my first child. My next three were nursed anywhere I was and it was so freeing! And no one ever said a negative word to me. We’ve since moved away from that church, but I hope I did a little bit to help normalize discreet public breastfeeding there. Several people from our church went to a local event. One male acquaintance got really awkward when I started trying to nurse, and my husband helped me get situated. I was standing and had a nursing scarf, so actually covered that time and not even my baby was visible. He asked if I’d go nurse in his car in June or July in Texas. “I was told it was inappropriate/gross to breastfeed.” I’ve been told to bring a bottle for my exclusively breastfed two week old when we start going to church again, because even if I get up to go to the nursery, it will be obvious what I’m going to do. Kind of makes me not eager to get back to church. Not at church, but my Dad(not a believer) came to my home 4 weeks after my oldest was born. Out of respect, in july, I used a blanket to cover while I fed. My dad says to his wife(my stepmom), “I used to make fun of women at church for doing that.” I asked him to repeat, thinking I must have not understood. He repeated, aghast that I could be feeding my child in front of him. Under a blanket. My newborn. For crying out loud. That put some strain on our relationship.I was told that I shouldn’t breastfeed in church because people knew what I was doing under there. I responded that I’d been doing it for months and no one had ever even noticed. I was also told I should go to the nursery to nurse and I refused. I rarely got out of the house and if I’d showered and gotten real clothes on me and my baby and got to church, I wasn’t about to go sit in the nursery and miss out on the service because it might make someone uncomfortable.
I was also told that I should cover up because it was more discreet. God created my body to breastfeed and there’s nothing indecent about it. Our youth pastor used to make jokes about it when my baby was first born because he was obviously uncomfortable. The more I nursed my baby around him and others in our friend group, the more everyone got used to it and it wasn’t a big deal anymore. This is why nursing in public is important!! The more we normalize it, the less people will think it’s gross or weird.
I did have a family member get noticeably worried when I was discreetly nursing with the two shirt method while visiting a different relative’s church. She kind of gasped and “helped” me pull my shirt down when she thought it was too high (it wasn’t). She is 100% pro breastfeeding but said to me I should probably use a cover since older people there wouldn’t like me not using one in church. I doubt anyone at all noticed and her “helping” probably drew more attention. But I knew if I didn’t nurse in a congregation, I might as well not even attend one at all. My babies had tummy issues that made them very fussy and they didn’t handle nurseries well so I just determined to nurse wherever I was or else I could get super isolated which would be terrible while also fighting postpartum depression in the first place. I was asked to nurse my babe elsewhere as someone had complained – they “knew what was going on under there” and that was “upsetting”. It was also suggested to all of us young mothers that we should plan our nursing sessions better, to not interfere with attending services. OH MY GOODNESS, yes, I do. I was feeding with a cover on in the lobby while listening to the sermon. Two ushers were standing about 30 feet away. Later, the pastor’s wife pulled me aside and said that she had been told I was nursing in public. She chided me for nursing in public and asked me to resort to the germ-filled nursery (this church didn’t believe in sanitizer), because sitting on a bench and feeding my baby was not appropriate and made some “certain men” uncomfortable. I was completely shocked and angry and embarrassed. And I “obeyed” because it was a patriarchal church. *eyeroll*So on the whole–I think it’s getting better than it was. Most people who had had trouble had had it because people were uncomfortable. The more we make breastfeeding normal, the more that comfort level is likely to rise. And I think that’s a good thing!
We’re doing our first Facebook Live in our Book Ambassador Facebook Group tonight!One quick announcement: Our new book The Great Sex Rescue launches March 2, and if you want to be part of our book ambassador team, it all gets started tonight!
To be a book ambassador, all you have to do is:
Preorder the book and send us in your receipt (all the information is here!) and you’ll get an invite to the Facebook groupAgree to write a heart-felt review on Amazon or Goodreads or whereverThat’s it! You don’t have to have your own blog or anything. And then:
You get access to the book right away (you don’t have to wait until March 2).You get Facebook lives where you can ask us questions (tonight we’re talking about that scorecard you got as a pre-order bonus!)You get a chance to win some great prizes(And even if you’re not on Facebook, you can still be part and get the book early!)
So if you haven’t pre-ordered yet, don’t miss the fun!
The Great Sex RescueLaunches March 2! What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?What if the things that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these messages?
Welcome to the Great Sex Rescue. Pre-Order Now! (Helps us out a ton)And if you email your receipt, we'll send you a special pre-order BONUS
Time to Pre-OrderDay(s)
:
Hour(s)
:
Minute(s)
:
Second(s)
Pre-Order Now Claim Your Pre-Order Bonus
What was your experience? How can we make this more positive for everyone? Let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts What Were You Wearing When Teenage You Was Harrassed in Church?Jan 27, 2021 | 37 Comments
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February 1, 2021
12 Ways to Help Christian Men Overcome Lust
But what if our approach is part of the problem?
I believe that because we talk about how all men struggle with lust, we’re creating the situation where most men struggle with lust.It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. And that’s likely why I’ve found that men who became Christians after their teen years seem to struggle with porn and lust far less than guys who grew up in the church. They weren’t taught that lust is normal. They were taught, in general, that respecting women as whole people was normal.
That’s condition #1 that can lead to lust. Here’s condition #2:
Churches are so afraid of lust that they often do their best to separate men and women.But men are more likely to get aroused when they focus on certain body parts rather than when they focus on the whole person. Get to know a woman in context, learn to see her as a person, and lust is far less common. What if our two solutions to lust–talking about it all the time and separating men and women–are both making lust more common?
The idea that “all men struggle with lust; it’s every man’s battle” is one of the toxic teachings that we measured in our survey of 20,000 women, the results of which are coming out in our book The Great Sex Rescue, launching March 2. Each week leading up to the launch we’re focusing on a different teaching that has messed up sex for couples, and this week it’s all about lust being every man’s battle.
Pre-order now–and then send us your receipt to get our pre-order bonuses and an invite to our month-long launch party where you can get access to the book early!.
The Great Sex RescueLaunches March 2! What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?What if the things that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these messages?
Welcome to the Great Sex Rescue. Pre-Order Now! (Helps us out a ton)And if you email your receipt, we'll send you a special pre-order BONUS
Time to Pre-OrderDay(s)
:
Hour(s)
:
Minute(s)
:
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Pre-Order Now Claim Your Pre-Order BonusIt stands to reason, then, that if we change the expectations around lust, and if we help men and women develop relationships that are focused on seeing each other as brothers and sisters in Christ, then we can start undoing some of the serious damage this message has done.
I wrote about this a few years ago, but I’d like to rerun that post today, because it fits in so well with our podcast discussion last week on how not all men struggle with lust! Plus I’d like to expand on one of these issues in particular in tomorrow’s post!
So let’s look at 12 ways to help men overcome lust:1. Stop talking about “every man’s battle” and start talking about Christ in youYes, many men struggle with lust. But not all do. And whatever we focus on expands. Are we focusing on the sin, or are we focusing on Christ? In the parable of the sower, many seeds failed to grow well because they were choked by the weeds. Instead of focusing on the sun, they looked at all the trouble around them. When we make lust sound like it’s inevitable–like it’s something that every guy will face and will never really defeat–then we lose the battle before we engage.
But if we teach people to look to the power of the Holy Spirit in all aspects of their lives, then they will feel like the battle with lust is one that they can win.
2. Treat men who don’t struggle with lust as the ideal, not as bogeymen who don’t existWhen I make a comment that I know men who can go to a beach and not lust after anyone, I am often told that I am wrong. I don’t really know those men’s hearts. I am a woman and I don’t really understand, and those men are lying to me. All guys struggle.
And I am often told this by Christian leaders. As we show in The Great Sex Rescue, our evangelical best-sellers state that all men struggle with lust, and even that your husband will lie to you about this.
Jesus did not struggle with lust. Paul did not struggle with lust. As I showed in my Every Man’s Battle series, the Bible presents a lust-free life as the normal condition for a redeemed man. So let’s start talking about real men being men who see women as whole people, not real men being men who struggle with lust.
3. Stop telling teenage boys that they will definitely struggle with lust and pornBoys need to be equipped to deal with the pull that porn may bring, and they need to be told that they may struggle when they start to notice girls’ bodies.
But let’s not make the mistake of portraying the problem as bigger than the solution.
Yes, they may struggle–but they may not. And Jesus is bigger than any of their temptations (1 Corinthians 10:13). Warn them about the temptations, yes, but always temper that with the bigger idea that they can battle and win anything with the Holy Spirit’s help. Pair any teaching about lust with stories about guys who have victory.
Boys need to be equipped to deal with the pull that porn may bring, and they need to be told that they may struggle when they start to notice girls’ bodies. But let’s not make the mistake of portraying the problem as bigger than the solution.
4. Draw a distinction between lusting and noticing a woman is beautifulToo many boys think there are only two alternatives: either you find a girl ugly, or you are lusting. But what if there’s another option? What if you simply notice a girl is attractive, and it doesn’t go any further? Let’s be careful not to confuse noticing beauty with lusting. If we make boys and men believe that if they see something beautiful they must automatically turn away because that’s just plain dangerous, then they’ll be constantly paranoid and never able to have normal conversations with women.
We also need to tell them that normal sexual desire and normal feelings are not lust. When a guy starts having sexual feelings, it does not mean he is sinning. When we heap guilt when there is no sin, we make it seem as if it’s impossible to overcome real sin.
You May Also Enjoy:Noticing is Not LustingThe Noticing is Not Lusting PodcastWhat if Not All Guys Struggle with Lust (podcast)NOTICING is not LUSTING! “If we make boys and men believe that if they see something beautiful they must automatically turn away because they’re lusting, they’ll be paranoid and unable to have normal conversations with women. And that makes the problem worse!” Click to Tweet This! 5. Stop warning women and girls not to “cause men to sin”
When my daughter Katie was 11, she was warned by a kind-hearted Sunday School teacher who meant well that now that she was developing, she was going to have to watch what she wore, because men might look down her shirt.
It took quite a while for her father and I to calm her down and convince her that not all adult men at our church were perverts trying to see her new training bra.
We frequently blame women’s and girl’s clothing choices for causing men to sin–even if those girls are only 13.
When we talk about women causing men to sin, we lay the blame for lust at women’s feet and make it less likely that men will feel the need to fight lust. It’s a losing battle, and only women’s actions can keep men’s thoughts from straying. As I’ve shown before, that’s entirely unbiblical. If an adult man is lusting after my 11-year-old daughter, I’m pretty sure I know who is to blame. And if a guy can’t worship God because a female seeker has come to church in a tight sundress, then the problem is not with her. We need to be very, very clear about that. The “don’t be a stumbling block” issue doesn’t mean that women bear the responsibility for men’s sin.
You may also enjoy:Why Every Man’s Battle BackfiresLet’s Put the Modesty and Stumbling Block Debate to Bed for Good (podcast)Why Don’t Be a Stumbling Block is a Bad Modesty MessageWhen we talk about women causing men to sin, we lay the blame for lust at women’s feet and make it less likely that men will feel the need to fight lust.
(Click here to tweet this quote)
6. Start talking about how all of us should respect ourselves and honour God in our clothing choicesAt the same time, all of us can honour each other in how we dress. But we can do this without laying the blame for sin at women’s feet. Let’s change the conversation so that it’s no longer about “stopping a guy from stumbling” or “not causing him to sin”, and it’s instead about honouring God.
If we all asked these three questions:
Who am I dressing for?What is the first impression someone looking at me will have?Am I a good ambassador for Jesus? Do I look approachable, friendly, and appropriate?,then we wouldn’t have problems with how people dressed (see these better modesty guidelines!).
7. Make any dress code rules apply to both genders.When we make dress codes only for women, we reinforce the idea that women are dangerous and men will lust if women don’t behave. Besides, men can make inappropriate clothing choices, too. That’s why those three questions should also apply to BOTH men and women, to BOTH girls and boys.Sure, maybe a crop top may give a bad first impression to people, but maybe slouchy jeans would as well! If we are going to make dress codes, then they should not be focused on only one gender. They should focus on how all of us can honour Christ and each other and create a welcoming environment.
8. Make sure there are strong female youth group leadersAs soon as boys enter puberty and start having sexual thoughts, it needs to be reinforced to them that females are more than just objects of sexual temptation. They are people who can lead; who can be respected; who are wise.
9. Encourage more co-ed church activities to make it easier for strong, platonic friendships to formToo often churches gender segregate most activities, especially for adults. But the more we separate the genders, the more we define ourselves almost entirely in terms of our gender. We don’t see each other as people; we see each other as men and women. It is healthy to develop friendships with the opposite sex that are platonic.
10. Honour women for their intelligence, ideas, and creativitySimilarly, don’t relegate women to only childcare roles or roles where they serve men. Put women on some committees and listen to their ideas. Make it normal that your church sees the whole person that God created, rather than sees her simply as an appendage for men or as an object that men may use or be tempted by.
11. Do not put up obstacles to women breastfeeding in churchA side-effect of all this modesty talk is that women’s bodies are seen as sexual. No matter what. So breast-feeding in church is often off the table.
Interestingly, it is only in church today that this is the case. This gives the impression that while “the world” thinks breastfeeding is okay, we Christians know that breasts are really off-limits, because they’re absolutely and inherently sexual, all the time, even when an infant is attached to them.
It sexualizes women’s body parts all the more.
Let’s make the expectation that men can be real men and honour women, especially when they are feeding children.
12. Do not try to keep young boys from seeing our cultureNo matter how many “t-shirts over bathing suits” rules you try to enforce, your sons live in the real world. They’re going to see models in lingerie stores in the mall, they’re going to grow up to work with women who wear tight or low-cut clothing, and they’re going to go to the beach where girls are running around in bikinis.
When you shelter kids from things, those things become taboo. And when something is strictly forbidden, it ironically becomes the spotlight (the “don’t think of a pink elephant” phenomenon.) If you are constantly avoiding anything that could “cause your son to lust”, or make a fuss or get offended when any girl is wearing something inappropriate, you’re doing your son a disservice. Instead, ignore it, walk by the potential distraction, and keep your conversation or activity going no matter who or what’s around. That teaches your son, “It’s OK if there are attractive girls around–they don’t need to be the focus. They have no power, you can make that decision yourself.”
I believe that if we change the expectations around lust, we can free both men and women.I’ve talked about how the “men are visually stimulated” idea has been wrongly twisted to say that all men will inevitably lust over women they see in passing. I’ve talked about how women have the right to expect that their husbands won’t lust.
I’d like to end today’s post with an observation a male commenter left a few years ago on my post about how we’re abusing the Christian modesty message. I think it’s very insightful, and a great way to wrap all of this up:
I was in my early twenties before I could look at a young woman without some sense of paranoia that I might end up stumbling. After all, I was trained all of my life that there was a fine line between finding someone to be beautiful and turning her into a sex object in your mind. In fact, it was much better that I avoid the line altogether and, somehow, refrain from allowing myself to find a girl attractive until the wedding night – at which point I was expected to go from hiding in a cave to launching into space. I was taught, like most Christian boys, that we are not really in control of our sexuality or desires. Avoidance is the only option – something that is impossible in modern times.
Of course, the female body, in certain contexts, was meant to be titillating. It was also meant to be simply beautiful. When I am entranced by a sunset or left speechless by the Rockies, I am not tempted to objectify them as something I want to conquer, own, or plunder. I simply appreciate the beauty of God’s handiwork. Can I not do the same with women? Can I not see them as beautiful, appreciate that, all without objectifying or lusting after them?
Yes. Yes I can. I know because I do.
Instead of doing some odd head dance in a mall to avoid seeing anything attractive, I can look the world full in the face, appreciate its diversity, nuances, and beauty, and rejoice in the same. Victoria’s Secret stores, once seen as a black hole of evil, no longer bother me. Of course, it is certainly helpful that everywhere I go doesn’t look like the beaches of Brazil. However, unlike what I was taught, I am in control of my sexuality. I decide what to do with what I see – to be saddened, to objectify, to sexualize, or to simply see as beauty. I can pass by or interact with someone I find attractive without turning them into an object of sexual desire. I am a man redeemed by Christ. Not a boy who can’t help what he thinks about what he sees.
So, to the church, stop telling me that I’m a helpless sex fiend who’s better off with a blindfold. Teach me of beauty apart from sexuality. Teach me that my mind can be used to see women as imago Dei rather than objects of temptation. Teach me how to control what I do with my thoughts and what I see rather than sending me on a lifelong fool’s errand of avoiding all thoughts and keeping my eyes on my feet (or in space). Teach me strength and mastery rather than cowardice. Teach me these things and you might have less men who live with the idea that they are one-thought creatures, and less women who are shamed into hiding.
Amen.
What do you think? Would these steps make the lust problem better? Is there one you would add, or one that stands out? Let’s talk in the comments!
(Interestingly, the first time I ran this post, 80% of the comments revolved around one particular point. I’m curious to see if that happens again, because tomorrow I want to focus on that point particularly!)
Other Posts in our Every Man’s Battle Series on Lust:
Why Every Man’s Battle Backfires
Can We Talk About Men’s Sexual Needs in a Healthy Way?
Is Don’t Be a Stumbling Block a Really Bad Modesty Message?
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts Have We Taught Teen Girls to Ignore Red Flags When Dating?Jan 26, 2021 | 24 Comments
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January 29, 2021
Ain’t Too Proud to Beg!
Uh oh.
A bunch of you have already tuned out.
“Launch Team”? Teams do WORK. Who wants to work? That sounds yucky.
What if I told you that the “work” was really only about writing a great review on Amazon/Goodreads?And sharing some social media graphics, if you want. And telling friends, if you want.
But that part’s totally up to you.
That’s not so scary now anymore, right?
And what if I told you that we want to give you some goodies, too?Rebecca and I will be doing exclusive Facebook Lives for our Launch Team every week between now and our March 2 launch! We may even have some Q&A “Have lunch with Sheila” where I’ll hang out eating my lunch, and you can drop by and just chat!
And the first 100 people to sign up to the launch team get an extra copy of the book too! (or some other goodies if you’re outside North America).
And what if I told you that if you join the launch team, you’ll get your copy of The Great Sex Rescue right away, instead of having to wait until March 2?Seriously, if you’re going to order the book anyway, this is a no brainer!
Order The Great Sex Rescue now, and then you can join the launch team and get an electronic copy you can read ahead of time! Plus you’ll have a bunch of exclusive time to talk to me and Rebecca, ask your questions, and just hang out with other people who want to change the conversation about sex in the evangelical world, too.
The Great Sex RescueLaunches March 2! What if you’re NOT the problem with your sex life?What if the things that you’ve been taught have messed things up–and what if there’s a way to escape these messages?
Welcome to the Great Sex Rescue. Pre-Order Now! (Helps us out a ton)And if you email your receipt, we’ll send you a special pre-order BONUS
Pre-Order Now Join the Launch Team! The Great Sex Rescue confronts the lies many of us grew up with about sex, and rescues sex to be what God intended.Based on our survey of 20,000 women, we looked at which evangelical teachings stole great sex and great marriages from women, and how we can rescue and reframe those messages to get back to Jesus.
And the book looks at evangelical sex & marriage best-sellers, and see which ones are the most guilty at spreading these harmful teachings.
You’ll feel validated. Heard. Like you’re not alone.
And if you’re having trouble getting aroused; reaching orgasm; even asking for what you want in bed–you’ll learn that it’s not a problem with YOU! And you can stop feeling broken and guilty and just put that behind you and move forward.
This book is so incredibly powerful! If you’ve ever read a Chris- tian book on sex and marriage, you owe it to yourself to read this one. Armed with extensive survey data and equipped with compassion and common sense, the authors dismantle the devas- tating myths long promoted by Christian leaders that have caused untold damage to generations of Christian women. Equal parts distressing and liberating, this book is desperately needed in this moment.
Kristin Kobes Du Mezauthor of Jesus and John Wayne
When you pre-order, we’ve also got some pretty cool bonuses!First, our sneak peek at some of our survey results, looking at how some key teachings hurt women’s orgasm rates, rates of sexual pain, and more. What happens to her ability to become aroused if she believes that lust is every man’s battle? What happens to her rate of sexual pain if she believes that she’s obligated to have sex whenever her husband wants it?
Then we’ve got our healthy sexuality rubric, AND our scorecard! See how best-selling evangelical resources fared on our rubric of 12 marks of healthy sexuality teaching.
I cannot think of a more important book (outside of the Bible) that you must read. This book is the authentic gut-punch that the evangelical community needs. This exposes our historic dismal handling of sexuality and gives us a clear path forward to sexual maturity, wholeness, and health. I already want to read it again and will surely be telling my network to purchase this vital guide. Thank you for such a seminal work!
Andrew J. Bauman, LMHCcofounder and director of the Christian Counseling Center for Sexual Health and Trauma
This book is a groundbreaking look into what true, sacred bib- lical sexuality is intended to be and the root causes and ideas that damage a couple’s intimacy in marriage. Going straight to Scripture, the authors dig deep into ideologies that draw couples away from God-designed intimacy, and they seek to construct a framework for sexuality that is truly rooted in Scripture and God’s beautiful design, elevating sexuality and marriage to the glory and sacredness it was intended to have. This is a must-read.
Rachael DenHollanderlawyer and victim advocate
Seriously, I’d love to have you pre-order, and we would LOVE to have as many of you as possible join our Launch Team!We can’t do this without you. When I first started talking about how toxic the book Love & Respect was, no one was listening. Focus on the Family ignored us.
But enough of you stood up and said something that Focus even was forced to issue a statement and doubled down! And now, whenever the book is mentioned, someone tends to push back against it. Just yesterday we received an email that said:
Thank you so much for the resources you are offering. My husband and I are the small group coordinators for our church and just had a meeting last night with our pastor about why we can’t recommend Love and Respect as a study for our church.We were able to share several of your blog posts with him (including your series about porn recovery which has been such a valuable resource for us as we help counsel married couples in our congregation.) Please keep speaking truth about sex and marriage!
I get so many of those, every week!
We’re making a difference, because we’re all speaking up together.
That’s what it’s going to take for this book to catch on. We all need to speak up together.
This is an important book.I’ve liked all the other books I’ve written (loved some even), but this one is important. This one challenges what often passes for sex teaching in the evangelical world.
We need to change sex from an owing to a knowing. It isn’t about a man being entitled to take something from a woman; it’s about both of you on a journey to mutually pleasurable, intimate, passionate sex.
When you pre-order it, you help us so much. And if you're going to order it anyway, then join the launch team, too, and get your hands on it early! I'll join!Not interested? You can still pre-order and get the bonuses (including that scorecard!)
PS: It’s so fun to see people start to tweet about it! I saw this tweet and I sent it to Joanna and Rebecca, saying, “…it’s starting!”
Seriously, we’re so excited.
Just received the PDF manuscript of @sheilagregoire's The Great Sex Rescue and found my untold story in there. Feeling tender toward my younger self tonight, but am so incredibly grateful for women like Sheila who are writing a better story for the next generation of women.
— Morgan Strehlow (@morganstrehlow) January 27, 2021
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts Fixed It For You! We Fix a Survey Question So It Doesn’t Enable Date RapeJan 25, 2021 | 23 Comments
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January 28, 2021
Lust Isn’t Every Man’s Battle–And We’ve Got the Numbers! A Podcast
That’s the focus of our podcast today–what does the “all men struggle with lust” message do to us?
Before we get started, a quick behind-the-scenes look at how crazy my life is right now. So on March 2 The Great Sex Rescue launches–and it’s such an awesome book! I’m so proud. Based on our survey of over 20,000 women, we look at the evangelical teachings that have stolen great sex from couples, and we rescue and reframe them to be in line with Jesus. Let’s just have great sex, people, not weird guilty stuff!
It’s available for pre-order now, and if you want a copy right away, you can pre-order and then join my launch team! It’s super easy, and the first 100 to sign up get some other fun stuff! Plus you’ll get access to Facebook lives and more. So pre-order first:
The Great Sex RescueLaunches March 2! What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?What if the things that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these messages?
Welcome to the Great Sex Rescue. Pre-Order Now! (Helps us out a ton)And if you email your receipt, we'll send you a special pre-order BONUS
Time to Pre-OrderDay(s)
:
Hour(s)
:
Minute(s)
:
Second(s)
Pre-Order Now Claim Your Pre-Order BonusAnd then join the launch team!
But not only is that book launching March 2; our book The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex, which I’m writing with Keith, is due the same day at Zondervan (different publishers!). So we’re really busy behind the scenes.
To write The Good Guy’s Guide, we decided that we wanted to test a hypothesis. We wanted to see whether all guys actually do struggle with lust. So we asked a whole bunch of questions about lust in our men’s survey.
Originally, we weren’t going to talk about these findings until The Good Guy’s Guide came out. But they were so explosive, that we had to share now!
So listen in!
Browse all the Different Podcasts
Listen to the Last Women’s Podcast
Prefer to watch the video (where we’ve got some cool graphs)? Here you go!
Timeline of the Podcast
0:40 Today’s topic: Lust!
3:15 Joanna’s Stats Corner: What do the numbers say about men and lust?
15:28 So, what’s going on for those guys in the 35% we found?
22:57 How Keith and Sheila have handled this in their own marriage
31:02 RQ: I can never be alone with a man?
34:43 How do women feel when men ‘bounce their eyes’?
45:55 Women are not a threat for simply existing
50:37 YOU should reap what YOU sow
I don’t want to put all the numbers in a blog post, because I do want to save some for the book (plus we’ve got some great findings on porn use, too), but let me give the big picture. Around 75% of men say they struggle with lust. But when we give them the chance to lust, or struggle with lust, in multiple different scenarios, the majority do not. Roughly 40% say they have a “mental rolodex”, where pictures of beautiful women they’ve seen in person or in porn pop up on a daily basis. We also asked about how they would act seeing a good looking woman in a variety of scenarios. And in those scenarios, less than 15% would struggle with lusting.
So here’s what our hypothesis was, and what the data seems to bear out: We are equating noticing a woman is beautiful, and being sexually attracted to a woman, as lust.
But noticing is not lusting. And I truly believe that we have caused so much shame where there didn’t need to be shame.
Sure, some men struggle with lust, as do some women, and more men do than women. But that does not mean that this is every man’s battle, or that it is a battle that cannot be won.
But you know what? The more a man believes the “every man’s battle” message, the more likely he is to lust. So can we please start talking about this better?
Incidentally, people often accuse me of being anti-man when I challenge the “every man’s battle” idea. I don’t think this is anti-man at all. I think this is very PRO-man. Hey, guys! I believe in you! I believe that you can act honorably. I believe that God did not make you to sin or to have a special sin that you can’t eradicate. I believe that you can respect women, and that most of you do.
Reader Question: My boyfriend was upset about my male co-workersKeith joined me to talk about this one! This was a comment, not a question, but I thought it was worth discussing:
I dated a conservative Christian guy who got upset that I would go to our teacher work happy hours and be the only woman – even though ZERO inappropriate things were happening, and I don’t even drink. He also believed I should never be alone with a male coworker – but I co taught a course with a male 30 years my senior. How were we supposed to work on curriculum if we could never be alone? Navigating what made my boyfriend feel comfortable in my work environment was absolutely insane. I finally told him – this is my job. Get comfortable, or we can’t be together. I have never felt uncomfortable with any of these men – the fact that YOU do is your own issue. We ultimately ended things, and my now husband has zero concerns about any of this. Those rules are so objectifying in their own way – as if men and women can’t just be coworkers and friends but MUST have some kind of sexual tension between them. I understand the desire to avoid temptation – but treating women like they are constant temptations seriously limits their ability to work and grow in their work.
Keith works in a virtually all-female environment, and always has. He shared about his experience, and how I’ve always been okay with him being one-on-one with female co-workers, because he’s teaching them. And he doesn’t sexualize them. And they respect him and he’s earned teaching awards, too.
Some may disagree, but the Billy Graham rule would never even be tenable in his work situation. And if I were paranoid about the women he were with? Our marriage would be a mess.
Now, if a husband gave you reason to be paranoid, different story. But let’s not assume that all male-female relationships are automatically sexual.
Why Bouncing Your Eyes Isn’t HonorableI had several Facebook posts go viral last weekend about how objectified women can feel when men refuse to look at us in case we’re temptations. (Post 1, Post 2). Rebecca and I elaborated on this!
Each week on the podcast, leading up to the release of The Great Sex Rescue, we’re looking at a different evangelical teaching that has affected women’s sex lives for the worst. Last week we did “boys will want to push girls’ sexual boundaries”, and this week we’re launching the “all men struggle with lust” message. So get ready for more posts on this coming up, before next week’s podcast on how she’s not his methadone to help him get over a porn addiction!
Going shopping?Use my link to support this blog!
Things Mentioned in this PodcastNoticing is Not Lusting12 Things Churches Can Do to Help Men Overcome LustWhy Bouncing Your Eyes Doesn’t Honor WomenKeith’s epic post on lustLauren Chastain’s epic thread on TwitterThe Great Sex Rescue! Pre-order it now–and if you want access soon, why not join our launch team? All you have to do is write a review for it, but you’ll also get access to special Facebook Lives and more!And don’t forget to redeem your pre-order bonuses, including our scorecard and rubric for healthy sexuality! 
What do you think? Is this a freeing message for men? How do you think the “every man’s battle” message affected you? Let’s talk in the comments!
The Healthy Sexuality SeriesLeading up to the release of The Great Sex Rescue on March 2, we'll be looking at one harmful teaching a week, and point to how we can talk about this better.
And we'll launch each new teaching in our podcasts! So these are the topics coming up:
The Gatekeeping Message: Boys will want to push your sexual boundaries, so girls are responsible for stopping boys from going too farThe All Men Struggle with Lust message: Why Every Man's Battle Backfires (January 28)Have Sex So He Won't Lust/Watch Porn: Why Women Aren't Methadone (February 4)The Obligation Sex Message: Turning Sex from a Knowing to an Owing Makes it Ugly (February 11)"He Has a Need You Don't Have": Why Talking about sex like it's only a man's need becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy (February 18)The Entitlement Message around Sex: Can't we just be nice? (February 25)And don't forget to pre-order The Great Sex Rescue! Send us your receipt and we'll send you pre-order bonuses!
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts The DEBUNKING SERIES: A 12-Point Rubric to Tell if Resources are HealthyJan 22, 2021 | 21 Comments
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January 27, 2021
What Were You Wearing When Teenage You Was Harrassed in Church?
Why “especially evangelical ones”?
Because evangelical ones often stress that “boys will be boys”, “all men lust”, and thus the responsibility for keeping men from lusting falls on girls and women. They mustn’t be temptresses.
I measured all of this in our survey of 20,000 women, looking at how different evangelical teachings, like the lust message, the “boys will be boys”, and more, affect women’s sexual satisfaction and marital satisfaction.
And the story is not pretty. It’s all out in our new book The Great Sex Rescue, coming March 2! And you can get pre-order bonuses by emailing me your receipt now, too!
The Great Sex RescueLaunches March 2! What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?What if the things that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these messages?
Welcome to the Great Sex Rescue. Pre-Order Now! (Helps us out a ton)And if you email your receipt, we'll send you a special pre-order BONUS
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Pre-Order Now Claim Your Pre-Order BonusBefore Christmas I looked at the effect of this on teen girls, prompted by some posts on Facebook that went absolutely viral. We turned it all into a “don’t be a stumbling block” podcast, which was one of the top podcasts of 2020, and you really need to listen to it! Rebecca was on fire!
You may also enjoy:Why Don’t Be a Stumbling Block is a Really Bad Modesty MessageMy 40% Modesty RuleNoticing is Not LustingIs Bounce Your Eyes the Proper Approach to Lust?This week we’ve been looking at the idea that “boys will want to push your sexual boundaries.” We talked about sexual assault in the church in last week’s podcast, and I wanted to end the week (before we start a new topic with tomorrow’s podcast) with this.
When my stumbling block posts on Facebook went viral, so many women shared heartbreaking stories.
It consumed all my attention for several days, as more and more women shared their heartbreak and betrayal.
I didn’t know what to do with all of their stories. But I thought that perhaps I’d just collect some in this post, as a way to say “thank you for sharing this with me” and “this matters.”
Here, then, is what girls were wearing when they were harrassed/assaulted/leered at:
When I was told inappropriate things about my body14-year-old: Wearing a dress she had picked out with her dad on a shopping trip
A late 20-year-old who was creepy would comment on it. I was too embarrassed to ever wear that dress again. He later ended up in prison.
8-year-old: Wearing a below-the-knee skirt and top that met the Baptist modesty standards for her church
She was harrassed by an adult member of the congregation for five years. When she spoke out, she was asked what she was wearing and what she had done to encourage him. She was told, “It takes two to tango.”
3-year-old
She was told to “cover up her mystery.”
7-year-old: Wearing a shin-length floral dress
She was told she had great legs and when she was older she’d have to cover them up.
13-year-old: Wearing normal Sunday dresses
Her father told her that she’d have to wear looser dresses because an adult man was attracted and distracted by her developing breasts.
19-year-old: harrassed by pastor
She was told that he didn’t “feel that way” about his wife, implying that he did “feel that way” about her. He was later discovered to have had an inappropriate relationship with a 16-year-old congregant (aka clergy sexual abuse).
16-year-old: waist-high mom jeans and a Northern Reflections sweatshirt
Was told by her youth pastor that he lusted after her, and was asked for forgiveness.
14-year-old
Told by a married man that her figure was adorable, “just like a Barbie.”
15-year-old: Wearing very modest fundamentalist Baptist clothing
Her music minister took the youth group out to Dairy Queen and played “You Sexy Thing” on the jukebox. He told her he played it for her.
Young Adult: Mid-length floral high necked dress, gathered at the waist
She walked past elder passing out bulletins. He approached her from behind saying he hadn’t given her one because he was busy watching her walk in that sexy pink dress. She never wore that dress again.
What were you wearing when you were warned by church leaders that your body was a stumbling block?13-year-old: jeans and a baggy t-shirt
She was told at church that it was good of her to dress so modestly, especially since she had “such a sweet well-formed figure.”
All through childhood/teenage years: Jeans and a baggy t-shirt
All of us girls were made to understand that if we didn’t wear a skirt or dress, the men would stumble and be looking at our butts. The guys were allowed to go shirtless at outdoor summer church events, but girls couldn’t wear shorts above the knees.
13-year-old: Wearing skirt past knees and modest tops
An elder visited her and her friends at their houses to tell them to dress differently because an older man was stumbling over them. She didn’t know who, so she felt self conscious and distrustful towards all the guys in church
14-year-old: At a youth rally at John Piper’s church
The youth leader told the girls that their bodies were meatsuits, lust factories for boys around them.
15-year-old: Wearing jeans, baggy t-shirt, and sneakers
Was told by the worship leader not to move at all during worship because her butt was too distracting. It took five years to feel comfortable even slightly raising her hands during worship after that.
14-year-old: Wearing baggy shorts, full strap, non-tight tank top, all within dress code
Was at a summer Bible camp, and was told she needed to change her clothes because she was making someone feel uncomfortable. She felt disgusted that a grown man had been looking at her body and felt unable to control himself.
14-year-old:
She was told at morning service to put her hair up because it was distracting for the guys.
What were you wearing when you were sexually assaulted?Many women left stories of being sexually assaulted, primarily by youth leaders or elders/deacons in the church, but most didn’t say what they were wearing. Here are two that did:
Child: Wearing long dresses, long sleeves, high neckline, bloomers under
Was raped repeatedly by someone at church throughout childhood.
14-year-old: Dressed like a normal teenage girl
Was assaulted by the youth pastor.
So many women left heartbreaking stories. Connor went through all the viral Facebook posts for me and pulled some out and put them in a Google doc for me. As he did, he left some comments on the margins. He found the whole job rather disturbing:
This really isn’t okay.
If you have a story like this…Please know, I am so, so sorry. This was wrong. You should never have been subjected to this. You are not dangerous or evil just because you have a female body. I’m sorry.
And if your story is one of sexual assault, I am doubly sorry.
If this many women remember…think about how traumatic this isThe emotion coming out from women telling stories that happened when they were 13 or 14 is so sobering. This stuff sticks with you. It taints your view of the male gender, or sex, and of your body. It makes you feel disgusting and dirty. And it has long lasting repercussions.
If people in your church talk about women being stumbling blocks…Then that church is not safe for your children or for other people’s children.
Men, has your wife experienced this?Check in with her. Ask her. This could be a moment to really connect and understand why certain things hurt her so deeply.
Please speak up whenever you hear anyone blame a woman, let alone a child, for causing someone to stumble.This will only end when blaming the woman is no longer acceptable. The elders and pastors who told girls to change because a faceless adult man was being distracted/lusting is just disgusting. So he is the one sinning, and she is the one made to feel the shame.
That’s wrong.
That’s sin.
That’s not of Jesus.
It will only stop when we refuse to shame women, but shame the men (and the women) instead who try to blame the girl. It should be completely unacceptable to do this.
Next time someone asks, “but what was she wearing?”, point them to this post.Most men do not think this way. There is nothing about being male that makes someone lust after young teenagers, let alone children. Don’t demean men by believing that. Let’s not think that the most extreme sex addictions are normal male behaviour. They are not. Men are better than this. And if we start calling men to more, then we will be able to recognize the red flags in our midst.
This message that “boys will be boys” may be a message that is hurting your marriage and sex life now.If you have a story like one of these, that may have affected you profoundly, even if it was only an off-handed comment when you were young. It’s traumatizing and it sits with you. If you’re wondering if that’s the root of some of your problems, you may really enjoy reading The Great Sex Rescue! You’ll feel validated and heard. And you’ll find you’re not alone, too!
You may also enjoy…Stories of girls being made to feel awkward for reaching puberty early, or having a big bustStories of girls feeling period-shamed
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts The “Watch Out for Boys Who Want to Push Your Sexual Boundaries” PodcastJan 21, 2021 | 32 Comments
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