Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 45

How to Handle Your Children’s Disappointments

My girls were both far more emotionally mature on their wedding day than I was on mine.

And their husbands were both more emotionally mature than Keith was, too!

Keith and I were just so young, in so many ways (though my daughters were both technically younger than I was when they married). But we grew up, and thankfully we grew up together.

Next week, in our emotional maturity series, we’ll be talking about growth–how to grow when you feel like you’re just not that mature and not that able to handle emotions and responsibilities.

Before we turn to that, though, I’d like to chat about how to make sure we’re raising our children to be emotionally mature.

Behind the scenes, Connor, my son-in-law who runs the technical side of this blog, has been going through all my thousands of old blog posts from many years ago and culling the ones that aren’t relevant anymore. And he found one that I wrote about a Bible quizzing tournament my girls were in, ironically right as H1N1 hit. My girls got it very early, and it affected their performance (though we didn’t understand the significance of it then).

For context, here’s what they looked like just a few weeks before I wrote this, when we were in Hawaii, where Katie picked up H1N1 and brought it home to Canada, even before it hit the news. And then the rest of us got it.

And here’s the story of their disappointment, which I’d like to share with you, followed by a few thoughts I have today, 11 years later:

You know those stories you sometimes hear about the hockey dad who kills the coach that benched his kid, or the cheerleading mom who kills her daughter’s rival? I’m beginning to understand them.

Not that I would ever do it, mind you. But lately my children have had some disappointments, and it is very, very hard to watch your children cry and not be able to do a thing about it.

Of course, these parents’ problems are that they’re living their dreams through their kids, and there’s a whole lot of psychopathology going on.

But in the normal course of our lives, our kids are going to be disappointed, left out, bullied, or laughed at.

And that can be very hard for a mother to watch.

My own girls were in a competition this weekend, and neither did as well as she had hoped. They both did do objectively well; in the top 8 or 9% actually. But that wasn’t what they were aiming for. And they had studied so hard, and prepped so much, and it was hard to watch them. Of course, one of the reasons I think they started to flub things in the afternoon was because this virus was hitting, so it’s hardly their fault. But that sometimes makes it even worse.

When your child is hurting, we want to say, “there, there. It doesn’t really matter. I love you anyway.” But what if it does matter? What if it is a big deal, and you can’t really talk them down?

I know disappointment is a part of life, but my first instinct, when I saw them hurt like this, was to think, “let’s just chuck it all! Let’s not try anymore! Nothing is worth this kind of hurt!”

That’s the wrong attitude as well. Sometimes we’re going to reach our goals, and sometimes we’re not. Everybody has to get used to that. But when your child is crying and saying, “I’m a failure”, or “I’m just not good enough”, it’s hard.

How Can We Use Disappointments as Teaching Moments in Kids’ Lives–and Our Own?

 How do we make sure that these moments are used to help our kids become more emotionally intelligent, rather than less so? And how can we grow ourselves? Here are two thoughts I’ve had since:

Allow for Sadness–Don’t try to talk them out of it

My cousin, who is a doctor, told me a story of a friend of hers (a counselor) whose 8-year-old daughter was really sad because of something that had happened at school. The mom sat down beside the girl and said, “That’s really, really sad. I think I’ll just sit here and be sad with you for a while.”

That was so interesting, because our first response is often what mine was when my girls were disappointed: we say, “don’t be sad!” We try to talk them out of the negative emotion, whether it’s sadness or rejection or loneliness or disappointment or whatever, because we don’t want our kids to have those emotions.

But that mom knew that it WAS a sad situation, and sadness was an appropriate response, and so you have to give the sadness a chance to be felt so that you can process it.

When we try to talk our kids out of being sad or feeling these things, then we also make it difficult for them to handle those emotions later in life, because they think those emotions are somehow “bad”.

Sometimes parents take it even further than that, and get angry at kids for having negative emotions. “You have nothing to be sad about! When I was a kid, we didn’t even have the chance to compete at anything. We were too busy working, and my mom couldn’t be bothered to make sure we had anything good in our lives. You have no idea how good you have it!” Again, this tells kids, “having a negative emotion is a dangerous and bad thing.” Then what’s going to happen when they’re older and they start to feel something negative? They’ll run away. They’ll deflect it into anger. They’ll laugh it off and never deal with it. Or they’ll stonewall, as we talked about on Monday.

But emotions, in and of themselves, are not bad. Emotions simply tell us what’s going on in the world around us and how that affects us. They’re our body’s way of interpreting our situation. When we don’t deal with our emotions, then we end up causing our body stress. Those emotions don’t go away; they get deflected into our body, or into addiction, or into negative coping patterns. 

When I visited my cousin recently, she also had an “emotions flip book” where different emotions were written on the top of the page, along with ideas of what to do when you are feeling different emotions. The idea is to help kids identify what they are feeling, and then understand that, once they have that feeling, they have different ways of coping with that feeling. Instead of telling a child, “you shouldn’t feel that way,” it helps kids understand, “here’s how I do feel, and here’s what to do now.” 

So many of our problems with emotional maturity later in life stem from not being comfortable naming emotions or having a wide range of emotions. Teaching our kids when they’re young to identify emotions goes a long way to helping them cope later! 

I couldn’t find exactly the same flip book on Amazon, but this one looks really similar! I think it’s a great tool for helping kids process feelings. And it deals with good feelings, too, not just bad ones!

Be Realistic in How You See Your Kids–and Teach them to See Themselves the Same Way

One more thought on how to teach kids to handle disappointment: Be realistic about how you talk to your kids. 

As most of you may know, Rebecca (my oldest who is almost all our podcasts and who wrote The Great Sex Rescue with me) is an author of her own accord. Her book Why I Didn’t Rebel was published when she was 22. She interviewed a ton of millennials, some of whom had rebelled, and some who hadn’t, to figure out what parenting practices led to kids keeping strong relationships with their parents and making good decisions later.

 

She found seven key qualities in families whose kids didn’t rebel, and one of those was what she called “reality-based parenting.” Your child doesn’t have to be better than everyone else to be good; your child is an amazing person because of who your child is, and teaching your child to accept themselves, with their own giftings and their own limitations, is important in raising a kid who will succeed in life. Admitting that your child isn’t the best at everything doesn’t mean you don’t love your kid or believe in your kid. You just show them that God’s amazing plans for them don’t necessarily lie in a singing career, or even an academic career. You point kids towards their giftings, not towards your own dreams.

I’m going to let Rebecca end this post with an excerpt from Why I Didn’t Rebel, about Michael:

From Why I Didn't Rebel:

When I met Michael, he was in his third year of bio-med and struggling with his faith. I tried to help him reconnect with the Christian community, but he never seemed interested. As a high school student, he had been on top of the world—he got As in all his classes, was captain of the soccer team, and dated the prettiest girl in the school. He was one of the “it” kids in his church’s youth group. All through his life he had never failed—largely because his parents made sure he didn’t.

Michael was fortunate to be naturally smart, but in high school his mom edited all his papers for him, and his dad corrected his math and science homework before he handed it in. Of course, they went over their edits with him to help him learn, but Michael joked with me about how he could get his mom to do his entire assignment for him if he played it right. His parents would coo and fuss whenever he brought back another excellent grade, and he thought of himself as the “smart kid.”

In his mom’s eyes, in particular, Michael could do nothing wrong. In eighth grade Michael was on a swimming team for a while and really enjoyed it. He was only middle of the pack, though, and one day the coach passed over Michael when it came to choosing which of the swimmers went to the regional meet. When his mother found out, she immediately pulled her son from the swim team. Michael described that car ride home as tense—the idea that anyone saw her son as anything but the best had infuriated his mom. For the first time Michael experienced failure, and from his mother’s expression he felt that failure should bring shame.

When he told his family he wanted to go into medicine, they were thrilled—being a doctor was the perfect profession for their brilliant son. They sent him off to university with well wishes and high hopes. He was smart, and he was a good Christian kid—he’d thrive at university.

Or so they thought. Michael went to his first semester filled with hope and excitement for this next chapter in life. After the first midterm season, his average was about a 70—not bad, but not what he was used to receiving. He told me that the first year depressed him greatly when he couldn’t maintain his scholarship and get those eighties and nineties that came so easily in high school.

At the same time, he had been paired up with a roommate who was heavily into the party scene. Michael started drinking with his roommate in their dorm, then started going to parties. He didn’t feel like the smart kid anymore and, in his search for identity, he turned to the party crowd since they made him feel accepted and it helped distract him.

As the years went on, his grades kept slipping and he started drinking more to cope with the failure he’d never had to deal with before. By the end of third year he was on academic probation, had gotten into a habit of partying and sleeping around, and decided to drop out of the program and move back with his parents to retake control of his life and of his faith.

I remember that when we talked about why he was leaving school, he told me, “I just don’t know who I am. I’m the smart kid and I’m dropping out. I don’t know how this happened.”

What would have happened if Michael’s parents had allowed him to fail? What would have happened if they had encouraged him to see himself in reality?

What if I told you that not all teenagers rebel?

And what if I told you that a lot of typical parenting advice makes rebellion more likely?

I interviewed 25 young adults, trying to figure out what made them rebel or not.

Here's what I found!



















Maybe the reason we can’t handle our kids’ disappointments is that we’re parenting as if our kids’ accomplishments define them

As Christians, we know that our worth is based in what Jesus did for us and in the fact that we are made in the image of God. We know that God has a specific purpose for us that He has planned before the creation of the world (Ephesians 2:10). But do we act that way with our kids? Or do we parent in such a way that they believe their worth really is in their accomplishments? That they’re only important if they’re the best in the world’s eyes?

If we believe that God has a specific purpose for our kids, and that it doesn’t need to look like anyone else’s, and that success is not judged as the world does, then how will that affect our parenting? How will it affect how we help our kids handle disappointment? How will it affect what we teach our kids to aim for?

Yes, disappointments hurt. It’s okay to feel that. But let’s keep everything in perspective. When we do that, then our kids can grow up able to handle emotions, and able to realistically see how they fit in to God’s plan.

What do you think? Do you have a hard time when your kids are sad? Let’s talk in the comments!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8
FacebookTwitter












Related Posts









3 Podcasts You Don’t Want to Miss

Nov 5, 2020 | 2 Comments

It's been a crazy week. We all knew it would be, and I know that many people are avoiding the...

When Did You Feel Like an Adult?

Nov 4, 2020 | 33 Comments

When did you officially feel grown up? I'm sure we all woke up this morning to a little bit of a...

EMOTIONAL MATURITY SERIES: What Is Emotional Maturity?

Nov 3, 2020 | 22 Comments

When it comes to happiness in marriage, success in life, and fulfilling our calling, little is...

Why Don’t My Orgasms Feel Very Good?

Nov 2, 2020 | 6 Comments

"When I orgasm, it's okay, but it's not amazing or anything." I've heard that from many women in...

5 Ways Husbands Can Bridge the “Orgasm Gap”

Oct 30, 2020 | 32 Comments

What can husbands do to help their wives reach orgasm more regularly? Welcome back! It’s Keith...

Start Your Engines Podcast: On Arousal Non-Concordance (and the Sexy Sex!)

Oct 29, 2020 | 2 Comments

What can husbands do to help their wives reach orgasm? It's the last Thursday of the month, which...

Are Expectations in Marriage Wrong? 3 Things You Should Expect from Your Spouse

Nov 10, 2020 | 15 Comments

Is it wrong to have expectations in marriage? We've been talking about emotional maturity this...

EMOTIONAL MATURITY SERIES: What To Do When Your Spouse is Stonewalling

Nov 9, 2020 | 48 Comments

Have you ever experienced stonewalling in your marriage? If you've ever said something like, "He...

Are Expectations in Marriage Wrong? 3 Things You Should Expect from Your Spouse

Is it wrong to have expectations in marriage?

We’ve been talking about emotional maturity this month, and yesterday, as I was writing about how to have a conversation when a spouse is stonewalling, it reminded me of a post I wrote a while back about how it’s okay to expect that your feelings should matter to your spouse. That wasn’t being selifsh.

I’d like to run that again today, because it’s really important. So often we’re told that to expect anything from our spouse is a sin, but I’m afraid that’s just enabling emotional immaturity.

So today I’m going to climb up on my soapbox for this post and just give a little bit of a rant. I hope you’ll excuse me.

I see a problem with the way that a lot of Christian teaching addresses emotional needs in marriage, and it’s this:

You can’t expect your spouse to meet your emotional needs. Only God can. If you’re expecting your spouse to meet your needs, you’re putting your spouse in God’s place.

And there’s a corollary to this:





The only way to be happy in marriage is not to have expectations on your spouse.

So having expectations in marriage is thus seen as sinful.

If your spouse is treating you badly and you’re sad, then the problem is not with your spouse for treating you badly. The problem is with you for expecting your spouse to be kind, since the only person we can change is ourselves.

Now, there is an element of truth here. I do believe that the only person you can change is yourself, and so we need to be focused on changing our own behaviour to better the marriage. The contention that I would have is that the change that is required is not that we let go of our expectations; it’s that we learn to handle them appropriately and we learn to express what we need better.

Having trouble with this? Here are three posts that can help!

How a Marriage Goes Downhill: It’s the little things (are you allowing disrespect in small things?)
When Your Husband Won’t Change: Is this the last straw? (Maybe you’ve tried everything EXCEPT what really is important).
Iron Should Sharpen Iron: Marriage Should Make Us Better People (the start of a series)


Why does Christian teaching often focus on how expectations are wrong?

I think that we’re so scared of couples getting divorced that when a couple has a problem that is difficult to solve, the better course of action seems to be to deny the problem is real. If solving the problem involves one spouse changing their behaviour, and that spouse truly doesn’t seem interested, then we’re stuck. So the only solution is to take the miserable spouse and tell them they’re wrong for being miserable.

Ironically I think that philosophy actually harms marriages far more than it helps. When people are miserable because of how they are being treated, you can certainly tell them, “You’re wrong for wanting to be treated well.” And they may push down their misery for a time. They may be able to throw themselves into The Word and grow closer to Jesus (which is definitely a good thing!). They may be able to find other outlets for their needs, for a time.

But ultimately when we are living a lie, that lie catches up with us, even if we’re growing closer to God at the same time (and I would say that growing closer to God often makes that lie harder to live with). And I have personally witnessed several friends leave marriages after decades of pushing their own needs below the surface, and finally not being able to take it anymore.

Expectations in marriage are not sinful.

I have read so many variations of “our marriage was only happy when I let go of my expectations.” And some of that may very well be true, because many of us have unreasonable expectations of what daily life will look like regarding how we split the chores, how much we have sex, how often we talk, what we do for hobbies, etc.

Expecting that your spouse will meet your needs in a specific way, or do specific things, is often counterproductive. But it doesn’t follow that ALL expectations are therefore bad. Here, for instance, are three expectations you should have of your spouse:

1. It is reasonable to expect that your spouse will fulfill their marriage vows.

When you married, you vowed certain things. And a vow is serious! It is reasonable to expect that your spouse will:

Forsake all others (including pornographic images of others)
Share your worldly wealth
Stay with you in sickness and in health
Love and cherish you
Remain committed until death

2. It is reasonable to expect marriage to meet some of your emotional needs.

Now, let’s break down what “love and cherish” mean. No, obviously marriage can’t meet all your needs. First and foremost, our peace, security, and sense of self have to be rooted and grounded in Jesus.

But remember that it was God Himself who said, “It’s not good for man to be alone.” (Genesis 2:18) It was God who created marriage because we do need each other’s help! Thus, it’s okay to expect that when you get married, you will meet some of your spouse’s needs and they will meet some of yours. Why else would people marry?

And we do have responsibilities towards those around us. The concept of boundaries even teaches us this. When we talk about boundaries, we often focus on the “negative” aspect–how to say no to things that aren’t your responsibility. But there’s another aspect to boundaries. If you think of boundaries like a fence, not only do they keep bad things out; they also keep good things in. They show us what’s supposed to be inside our fence. And some things we are responsible for–including loving and cherishing our spouse.

Do you have a hard time asking for what you want?



















You can change the dynamic in your marriage and make talking about your own needs easier!

If your marriage is in a communication rut, it’s time for some change.

Take me to it!



















3. If I were to break this down even further, I would say this: It is reasonable to expect that your spouse will care about your well-being.

To love and cherish someone means that, at heart, they care about what happens to you. Therefore, if something is seriously bothering you, then it should seriously bother your spouse, too.

Sometimes we may tell our spouse that we’re really hurting, and our spouse doesn’t seem to care. I’ve talked before about I why your spouse may not understand how much something is bothering you, and how to present it in such a way that they will understand. I truly believe that for most couples having issues, your marriage would fall into one or more of these reasons. It isn’t that the spouse doesn’t care (because most people, after all, are not cruel); it is just that they don’t understand.

Nevertheless, there are some spouses who truly don’t seem to care about a spouse’s misery. How could this possibly be?

1. Their view of Christianity may be that her needs truly don’t matter

In some of the couple friends I know who have split, the husband had such a hierarchical view of marriage that he truly believed that how he saw the marriage was the only valid position. If he believed the marriage should look like X, and she didn’t like X, then she was wrong and had to get into line because he was the leader.

It wasn’t honestly that he was a bad person or that he didn’t care; he actually cared quite a bit about other people’s feelings in other aspects of his life. He just honestly believed that in order to follow God, they needed to pursue his vision for the marriage rather than hers. And if they started talking about her perspective, they would be stepping outside of God’s will.

2. They may be very immature

All human beings go through different stages of moral development. But not all human beings progress through all stages.

Some people learn to do what’s right because it benefits them and they want to follow the rules. But there is a higher stage of moral development, when we do what’s right simply because it’s the right thing to do. That’s the Christian ideal. It’s when we hand over the lordship of our life to the Holy Spirit, and we allow Him to guide us into all righteousness.

But if you’ve never really done this, and if you’re living at an immature level, only doing what benefits you, then you may honestly ignore what your spouse needs. People who come from very dysfunctional families, or families that were super authoritarian or based on fear, often do not progress through different moral stages, and aren’t able to give lordship of their lives over to God.

3. They may honestly be narcissistic

Finally, you may have a spouse who truly doesn’t care about anyone but himself or herself. I think this is often the conclusion that we jump to when we’re expressing our needs and our spouse doesn’t seem to care, but I also think it’s the least likely. Usually there is another explanation. But if you are dealing with a narcissistic individual, there is very little that you can do.

So what do you do if your spouse doesn’t care? Be honest about your needs.

Fight for your marriage! And ironically that means rocking the boat. It’s okay to insist that your needs matter. If your spouse doesn’t listen, it’s okay to demand that they see a counsellor. It’s okay to call in a mentor couple, even if your spouse resists. It’s okay to say, “You may think this isn’t important and that you don’t want to talk about it, but we are going to talk about it. This isn’t going away, because this is important to me and I matter in this marriage.”

By not backing down like you usually do, it’s going to look like you’re trying to destroy your marriage, but you’re not. The only way to make your marriage better is to not accept the status quo anymore.

Let’s stop this rhetoric that it’s wrong to have expectations in marriage.

Being married means you do have a claim on some things from your spouse. Let’s admit that. And then, if a person is living in a marriage where the spouse honestly doesn’t care, we can at least come alongside them and support them, rather than shaming them for having needs in the first place.

And, please, everybody, ask yourself this question:

Am I ignoring my spouse’s concerns? Am I repeatedly telling my spouse that he or she is wrong for having certain needs?

If you are, then you may be the one with the problem. And I urge you, please, care about your spouse!

A Better Way to Honour God in Your Marriage:

Are You a Spouse or an Enabler?

When Your Husband Won’t Change: Is this the Last Straw?

4 Things You Must Do If Your Husband Uses Porn

10 Signs You’re Respecting Your Husband Too Much

What do you think? Were you taught that having expectations in marriage was bad? What expectations do you think are legitimate? Let’s talk in the comments!

Posts in the Emotional Maturity Series:

Four Markers of Emotional Maturity
Do We Use God Language to Avoid Maturity?
2 Keys to Handling Stonewalling Behavior
Accepting Responsibility for What You Can Change (November 16)
Dealing with Emotional Immaturity in Your Spouse (November 23)
When Christian Resources Perpetuate Your Spouse's Immaturity (November 30)

And check out 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage--my book that covers emotional maturity. Plus there's a FREE group study you can take with it!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8
FacebookTwitter












Related Posts









When Did You Feel Like an Adult?

Nov 4, 2020 | 33 Comments

When did you officially feel grown up? I'm sure we all woke up this morning to a little bit of a...

EMOTIONAL MATURITY SERIES: What Is Emotional Maturity?

Nov 3, 2020 | 21 Comments

When it comes to happiness in marriage, success in life, and fulfilling our calling, little is...

Why Don’t My Orgasms Feel Very Good?

Nov 2, 2020 | 6 Comments

"When I orgasm, it's okay, but it's not amazing or anything." I've heard that from many women in...

5 Ways Husbands Can Bridge the “Orgasm Gap”

Oct 30, 2020 | 32 Comments

What can husbands do to help their wives reach orgasm more regularly? Welcome back! It’s Keith...

Start Your Engines Podcast: On Arousal Non-Concordance (and the Sexy Sex!)

Oct 29, 2020 | 2 Comments

What can husbands do to help their wives reach orgasm? It's the last Thursday of the month, which...

Are You Trying to Reach Orgasm Backwards?

Oct 28, 2020 | 5 Comments

I'm pretty sure that when most people start The Orgasm Course, they're going to head right to...

EMOTIONAL MATURITY SERIES: What To Do When Your Spouse is Stonewalling

Nov 9, 2020 | 44 Comments

Have you ever experienced stonewalling in your marriage? If you've ever said something like, "He...

Do We Use God Language to Enable Emotional Immaturity?

Nov 6, 2020 | 59 Comments

As Christians, we can sometimes use Scriptures to justify emotional immaturity. And that's awful....

EMOTIONAL MATURITY SERIES: What To Do When Your Spouse is Stonewalling

Have you ever experienced stonewalling in your marriage?

If you’ve ever said something like, “He refuses to talk about it,” “every time I bring it up he shuts me down,” “She walks out of the room if I mention it.” “He tells me he won’t change and the topic is closed,” then you likely have.

John Gottman, from the Gottman  Marriage Institute, calls “stonewalling” one of the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse, meaning one of the four behaviours that wrecks marriages. Here’s how he defines it:

Stonewalling occurs when a listener withdraws from an interaction, refusing to participate or engage, essentially becoming unresponsive.

John Gottman

5 Things Men Can Do To Strengthen Their Relationship

And, according to Gottman, 85% of stonewallers are male (women tend to do other things). 

We’re talking about emotional maturity this month, and what stonewalling essentially does is says, ‘I refuse to engage you on an emotional level.”

Last week we began our series looking at four markers of emotional maturity, and we talked about how people often use God language to escape having to be responsible for their actions. I intended to talk this month about spouses who tend to still act like children and don’t take responsibility, but what kept coming up in the comments, over and over again, was about emotions–how so many people are uncomfortable with expressing emotion, and thus have difficulty talking about any kind of conflict.

I kept hearing things like this comment:

In my marriage, I have had to carry the load of being responsible much of the time. Long story short, it has become his habit, if there’s something I want to discuss, something that needs to change or be worked on, to accuse me of “always wanting to be in control”. He uses this goes alongside of scruipture, which says, “the man is the head of the wife…”. Feels like another God card, since it ends the conversation.

This is indeed using the God card, but notice that if she merely wants to discuss an issue, he shuts her down by accusing her of trying to control him. Other women expressed something similar: “If I try to bring something up, he gets so angry and says that he won’t talk about it.”

So let’s dissect what’s happening here.

When two people get married, they’re pledging to live their lives together. They’re a team. They’re a partnership. They’re pledging to love each other, to care for each other, to have the other’s back. They’re not just getting married so that they can still do whatever they want but then also get sex when they want; they’re getting married so that they can be a unit.

And if you’re a unit, then the other person should matter to you. The other person’s emotions should matter to you. That’s part of what you promised.

You may also enjoy:

Is it wrong to expect things from your spouse?


But when people grow up very uncomfortable with showing emotions, then they also tend to find conflict resolution difficult.

Talking about an issue may mean that they have to reveal things that make them feel vulnerable. It may mean they have to admit they’re not perfect–and they’ve been taught that showing weakness is one of the worst things you can do. They may feel inadequate because the other person isn’t having needs met.

All of those feelings are terribly uncomfortable, and they don’t want to deal with them because they don’t know how. So instead what they do is one of two things: They erupt in rage, or they stonewall and refuse to engage at all.

Either way, they shut everything down.

That’s wrong. That essentially tells their wife (and I’m going to start using husband-wife because Gottman says it’s almost always in that direction) that her emotions aren’t important. Her well-being isn’t important. All that’s important is that she gets back in line and express only the emotions he’s comfortable with.

When he does that, he’s saying, “I don’t really want to know the real you. I only want the parts I’m comfortable with.”

It cuts off all possibility of true intimacy. It’s immature, and it’s wrong.

Unfortunately, in Christian circles stonewalling has been portrayed as being honorable and masculine.

We have a weird view of masculinity in evangelical circles right now, as this video from Emerson Eggerichs’ sermon at Houston’s First Baptist Church last year shows. He’s describing how, in conflict, men will withdraw and essentially stonewall. (I’m starting this video at 58 seconds in; the two clips following that both have to do with stonewalling):

What Eggerichs is describing is a situation in which a wife wants to bring up an issue. But the husband’s response? He feels fearful, disrespected, and angry, and so he walks away to calm down.

What if you’re feeling “flooded” and physiologically you do have a hard time talking about it?

That’s okay. That’s what often triggers stonewalling–the heart starts beating faster, you feel panicky, you feel overwhelmed. If this is the response, then it is wise to say, “let’s stop right now.” 

But it shouldn’t end there. That shouldn’t mean that you never address it–and yet this is what Eggerichs is intimating in his sermon, because he never talks about how to actually fix an issue.

Instead, Eggerichs is portraying men as being honorable when they refuse to engage with their wives. But that’s not honorable. That’s emotionally immature. And if it continues on an ongoing basis, yes, it is abusive. If he refuses to engage with her emotionally, and shuts her down every time she brings anything up, it is emotionally manipulative and abusive.

It is not a mark of being a “real man” to have to walk away when your wife brings up an issue. The mark of being a real man is to be able to talk about your emotions and work towards intimacy.

 



















Do You Have a Difficult Time Standing up to your Husband?

God wants us aiming for His will. That sometimes will mean that we need to confront our husbands when they’re doing something wrong.

Struggle with how to do that? Are boundaries a difficult concept for you? 9 Thoughts can help!

Take me to it!



















So what should you do about stonewalling? 2 big thoughts.
Just because someone says a conversation is over does not mean that it is over.

I hear this all the time–“he refuses to talk about it.” “He yells and walks out of the room.”

So you bring up the fact that you’re in debt and you need to figure out a budget. Or that he’s working too much and the kids are missing him. Or that you feel like he plays video games too much and you’re not connecting. And he refuses to talk about it.

If he needs to calm down and get his bearings, that’s fine. Please give him space for that. But he should get his bearings so that he can engage with you, not so that he doesn’t have to. 

You can say: “You may not want to talk about this now, but this is not going away. This is important. Our marriage is important. And if you can’t talk about this now, we will still have to talk about it later.”

And you can simply say, “Until we address this, our marriage will have to be on hold, because this matters. So why don’t we leave this until Tuesday night, but then we will revisit it.”

So perhaps you give him two or three days to calm down, but during those two or three days, you withdraw and give him space. He doesn’t get the benefit of being married to you and being emotionally engaged with you when he refuses to emotionally engage himself.

Once that time period is over, you bring things up again. When you eat; when you go to bed; when you get up in the morning. You can turn the TV off if he is watching TV and say calmly, ‘We are going to talk about this now.” You can turn the light back on when he switches it off at night and say, “No, we have an unfinished conversation.” You can do all this kindly but firmly, but you do not have to let something important go just because he won’t engage.

Now, what if doing this triggers his violence or rage? Then please call a domestic abuse hotline, because your marriage is not safe. Please get help.

What if doing this makes him storm out of the house or leave? Then let’s move on to the next point:

You do not have to act like everything is normal when it is not.

If you are simply trying to engage him on something that is important to talk about, and he refuses to engage, then this is not a healthy or normal marriage, and you do not have to act like it is. As I shared in my series that started off 2020, we are meant to be iron that sharpens iron for each other. Marriage is meant to grow us. But too often the opposite happens.

Your main role in this marriage is to help both of you be transformed into the likeness of Jesus Christ (Romans 8:29). You aren’t meant to enable emotional immaturity; you’re meant to help him grow. This is really the theme of my book 9 Thoughts That Can Change a Marriage. We’re looking at marriage wrong. We think it’s about keeping the relationship together, when really we should be asking, “how do I grow and look like Christ?” When we do that, our marriages get much healthier.

That means that if he’s doing something which is hurting your relationship and which is holding back his own emotional growth, you can act accordingly. You do not have to pretend that your marriage is perfect.

You can stop having dinner on the table at a regular time and sitting down to a normal dinner. You can instead say, “we aren’t eating until we’ve talked about this.”
You can stop pretending to others that your marriage is perfect. You can tell some close friends or mentors that you are having issues, and invite them in to talk to both of you. If you have adult children, you can tell them that you are having issues.
You can stop any volunteering things you are doing together, or areas of ministry you share, until you get this sorted out, and tell your ministry leaders that there is trouble.
You can tell his family that you are experiencing difficulties (although if his difficulties relate to emotions, it’s likely that his family isn’t good at handling them either)
You can even move into a different bedroom, if things are bad enough.
You can insist on seeing a licensed counselor together (please see a licensed counselor, and not just a biblical counselor through your church!)


You may also enjoy:

10 Things to Ask a Biblical Counselor to Make Sure They’re Safe
Could You Be Sinning Against Your Husband in These 98 Ways? (a handout given out in biblical counseling)

If bringing these things up with people at church would result in you being told that you are controlling and in the wrong, rather than an effort to help resolve the conflict and help him listen, then it’s likely that your church is not a safe place for you. Too many churches call women controlling when they have legitimate issues and insist that they are addressed. If this is your church, it’s not a healthy one, and please know that there are healthier churches out there!

I’ve painted a bleak picture of stonewalling, but as John Gottman says, this is very destructive in a relationship.

Refusing to engage with your spouse’s emotions is a form of emotional immaturity, which can grow into abuse all too easily.

In the Christian world, women are often called “controlling” if we insist on talking about an issue, or else we’re called “disrespectful.” But it is not disrespectful if there is a big issue in your marriage and you want to deal with it. That is an attempt to build intimacy, not to destroy it.

I understand that it is very hard to be assertive and stand up for yourself when you’ve been told your whole life that to do so is selfish. But I’d encourage us to look at this through entirely different eyes. What is it that God ultimately wants? How does God want us to grow? What if marriage is the relationship that He wants to use to help us grow emotionally?

We’re to look like Jesus, and that means that we can’t keep enabling emotional immaturity. Sometimes people do need to grow up and do need to become comfortable resolving conflict and talking about emotions. That can’t happen if we let stonewalling be the last word.

Have you ever experienced stonewalling? How did it feel? How do you think it’s best dealt with? Let’s talk in the comments!

Posts in the Emotional Maturity Series:

Four Markers of Emotional Maturity
Do We Use God Language to Avoid Maturity?
2 Keys to Handling Stonewalling Behavior
Accepting Responsibility for What You Can Change (November 16)
Dealing with Emotional Immaturity in Your Spouse (November 23)
When Christian Resources Perpetuate Your Spouse's Immaturity (November 30)

And check out 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage--my book that covers emotional maturity. Plus there's a FREE group study you can take with it!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8
FacebookTwitter












Related Posts









EMOTIONAL MATURITY SERIES: What Is Emotional Maturity?

Nov 3, 2020 | 21 Comments

When it comes to happiness in marriage, success in life, and fulfilling our calling, little is...

Why Don’t My Orgasms Feel Very Good?

Nov 2, 2020 | 5 Comments

"When I orgasm, it's okay, but it's not amazing or anything." I've heard that from many women in...

5 Ways Husbands Can Bridge the “Orgasm Gap”

Oct 30, 2020 | 32 Comments

What can husbands do to help their wives reach orgasm more regularly? Welcome back! It’s Keith...

Start Your Engines Podcast: On Arousal Non-Concordance (and the Sexy Sex!)

Oct 29, 2020 | 2 Comments

What can husbands do to help their wives reach orgasm? It's the last Thursday of the month, which...

Are You Trying to Reach Orgasm Backwards?

Oct 28, 2020 | 5 Comments

I'm pretty sure that when most people start The Orgasm Course, they're going to head right to...

Do You Just Need a Breakthrough?

Oct 27, 2020 | 18 Comments

Do you wonder if orgasm will ever happen for you? Or whether it will ever happen without a...

Do We Use God Language to Enable Emotional Immaturity?

Nov 6, 2020 | 59 Comments

As Christians, we can sometimes use Scriptures to justify emotional immaturity. And that's awful....

3 Podcasts You Don’t Want to Miss

Nov 5, 2020 | 2 Comments

It's been a crazy week. We all knew it would be, and I know that many people are avoiding the...

Do We Use God Language to Enable Emotional Immaturity?

As Christians, we can sometimes use Scriptures to justify emotional immaturity.

And that’s awful.

We’ve been talking about emotional maturity this week, as we’re launching our emotional maturity series. On Tuesday I started off talking about four markers for emotional maturity, and then on Wednesday I was asking when people started feeling like adults (and the responses were fascinating)!

Yesterday I took the day off from podcasts, and I told you it was because I was having vertigo again (which is true–I’m going to the physiotherapist this morning!). But it was also because over the last few weeks I’ve had some follow-up tests for two different kinds of cancers, and I was getting more yesterday, and I was just nervous. But yesterday I got the all-clear on both the thyroid and the breast, so I’m very relieved and in a very different frame of mind today.

Anyway, I wanted to elaborate on several comments that came into the blog this week that pointed to some important things. I appreciated all of your comments, by the way, but two in particular show a similar thread, even if it doesn’t seem apparent at first.

And that’s a rather tragic one: We often use God language and interpretation of Scripture to promote emotional immaturity.

Here’s what one commenter said yesterday:

 

Before I met my husband, I dated a very kind man who couldn’t seem to figure out his career. I wanted to be patient with him because he was such a good and kind person. But he was in a dead end job working on exploring career options; I had already been in my dream job for several years.

One day he had been reading a devotional about how God wants us to dream big and suggested that maybe God wanted him to pursue becoming a professional race car driver. I suggested maybe that wasn’t the wisest choice since he was already 31 and had never done any competitive race car driving. He insisted that if he felt God calling him, none of that mattered.

I think this is another element of emotional/spiritual maturity we need to discuss more in the church. Do you let God lead you through wisdom, experience, and those who love and care about you? Or do you insist on using God language as a trump card to avoid challenging conversations? Soon afterward I communicated that I wasn’t sure if we could keep moving forward – and he suggested that if I was unsatisfied with the situation, I could just quit MY job so that we could spend more time together. At the time I owned a home, had a mortgage, and was in my dream career. Just quitting my job wasn’t an option – but also I realized that if I had to EXPLAIN that to him, we couldn’t make decisions together for the rest of our lives. We ended things, and I decided to never date someone who made me feel like his mom – like I had to explain how career paths, mortgages or reasonable life choices work. Part of what I love most about my husband is that we have a very similar strong sense of responsibility – but more importantly he doesn’t use “God called me” or other religious language to circumvent or manipulate conversations about what goals we want to pursue together.

I think this is extremely common, and we need to talk about it more in the church.

Often we do indeed use God language to avoid having to have challenging conversations or make challenging decisions. We use Scripture to justify doing very unwise things, because doesn’t God say that He will look after us, and we can cast our cares onto Him? Doesn’t He say that if two or more gather together and pray something in His name, it will be done? Doesn’t Scripture show God saying outrageous things to people, and then amazing things happen? So why can’t we hear God telling us to do outrageous things today?

I believe that there is a lot of emotional immaturity in the church that parades as “tremendous faith”.

And then people are afraid to call it out because it’s all done in God language. 

I’m not going to comment too much more about this, but I’d love your thoughts in the comments. I do believe this is a major problem, and I’d love to figure out ways to talk about this better.

We use Scripture to justify not having boundaries

Here’s another one that’s very common: We use the idea that Jesus made Himself nothing and Jesus allowed Himself to be abused to say that we should similarly believe that we don’t matter compared to others. We should allow ourselves to be nothing. 

And, again, this sounds very pious.

Part of Meghan’s comment spoke to this:

 

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve started questioning long-held beliefs and realizing that it’s OK to set boundaries and that it’s OK to say no and that it’s OK to advocate for what I need. I wear otter socks like a little kid and don’t care what other people think. I speak up at the doctor’s office when they’re making incorrect assumptions. I tell my father he can’t disrespect me. I take up space unapologetically. I report people who harass me or others. Basically, I’m done acting like I don’t matter, because I do. Wish it hadn’t taken me 30 years to get here, but hey at least I can model this for my daughter and start her off on a better foundation than I had.

I love that one sentence especially: “I’m done acting like I don’t matter, because I do.” Amen!

But too often, in Christian circles, we’re told that if we speak up for ourselves, or if we have boundaries that we are being mean, selfish, and unChristlike.

That’s not true at all. I explained this at length in my post about how we need to stop using submission to justify abuse; there is nothing inherently holy in suffering.

Here’s what I think happens: Somebody wants to control another person or manipulate another person, either out of genuine malice or because they’re so insecure and have never understood their own emotions that they can’t handle someone else with needs. So they use “God language” to tell the other person that their needs don’t matter.

Don’t be selfish. Be a servant. Jesus made Himself nothing. 

Then that person, often a child, internalizes this, believing that if they do have needs, that is selfish. If they are upset at someone, they are in sin and are suffering from “non-forgiveness.” Seriously, this rush to forgive that we so often see in Christian circles is largely about emotional immaturity and not wanting to do the hard work of confronting what people are actually feeling.

For more examples of how rushing forgiveness hurts, see:

10 Reasons Why Rushing Forgiveness After an Affair is Unwise
On the Duggars and the Sexual Abuse Scandal (I know it’s an older issue, but the second point in this post is important)


What all of these things have in common is an unwillingness or a fear to allow ourselves to feel.

We use God language to make it sound like unwise decisions are really about having faith because we’re simply scared and we don’t want to have to be responsible for anything, so we put it all on God. We tell people they don’t matter because we don’t want to deal with the messiness of having to have real conversations.

We need to stop running away from our emotions.

Emotions are simply information about what’s going on in our social environment, and, to a lesser extent, in our physical environment. Emotions allow us to make wise decisions. Emotions tell us, “when I’m with her, I get sad, so something must be going on in that relationship that isn’t healthy.” Or “when I’m asked to speak up in class, I feel nauseous and scared, so something must be going on inside me that needs to be paid attention to.”

In Scripture, we see that God Himself feels the whole gamut of emotions. And Jesus, God in human flesh, also displays emotions. And He often changes what He does based on His emotions. He withdraws after John the Baptist dies because He’s grieving, and He needs to give Himself room for that. He has compassion on people, and He feeds them.

It’s not wrong to have emotions influence your decisions, because emotions tell us what to pay attention to. When we pay attention wisely, and listen to our emotions, they can point us to what work needs to be done; where safety resides; and where safety does not reside.

Wondering about how to process emotions?

If you struggle with understanding emotions, The Wisdom of Your Heart is an excellent book helping you see how God experiences emotions, and how emotions are integral to what it means to be made in the image of God.

In church we’re often taught that emotions are bad; you can’t trust them. What if the opposite is true? My husband found this such a great read!

Check it out!



















We need to stop using God as an excuse to not grow emotionally.

Those who follow Jesus should be the most emotionally mature, because we know the One who made us. And yet too often that’s not what happens.

So let’s have a conversation about this.

Do we use God language to stunt emotional maturity? Do we often disguise emotional immaturity as “having faith”? Do we call denying oneself the pinnacle of the Christian life? What should we do instead?

Let’s talk in the comments!

Posts in the Emotional Maturity Series:

Four Markers of Emotional Maturity
Do We Use God Language to Avoid Maturity?
Accepting Your Emotions--and Getting Beyond Manipulation (November 9)
Accepting Responsibility for What You Can Change (November 16)
Dealing with Emotional Immaturity in Your Spouse (November 23)
When Christian Resources Perpetuate Your Spouse's Immaturity (November 30)

And check out 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage--my book that covers emotional maturity. Plus there's a FREE group study you can take with it!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8
FacebookTwitter












Related Posts









Why Don’t My Orgasms Feel Very Good?

Nov 2, 2020 | 5 Comments

"When I orgasm, it's okay, but it's not amazing or anything." I've heard that from many women in...

5 Ways Husbands Can Bridge the “Orgasm Gap”

Oct 30, 2020 | 32 Comments

What can husbands do to help their wives reach orgasm more regularly? Welcome back! It’s Keith...

Start Your Engines Podcast: On Arousal Non-Concordance (and the Sexy Sex!)

Oct 29, 2020 | 2 Comments

What can husbands do to help their wives reach orgasm? It's the last Thursday of the month, which...

Are You Trying to Reach Orgasm Backwards?

Oct 28, 2020 | 5 Comments

I'm pretty sure that when most people start The Orgasm Course, they're going to head right to...

Do You Just Need a Breakthrough?

Oct 27, 2020 | 18 Comments

Do you wonder if orgasm will ever happen for you? Or whether it will ever happen without a...

The Orgasm Course is Here!

Oct 26, 2020 | 9 Comments

Who doesn't want to have an orgasm? We've been talking all month about orgasms--why it can be...

3 Podcasts You Don’t Want to Miss

Nov 5, 2020 | 2 Comments

It's been a crazy week. We all knew it would be, and I know that many people are avoiding the...

When Did You Feel Like an Adult?

Nov 4, 2020 | 27 Comments

When did you officially feel grown up? I'm sure we all woke up this morning to a little bit of a...

3 Podcasts You Don’t Want to Miss

It’s been a crazy week.

We all knew it would be, and I know that many people are avoiding the internet right now.

Plus I’ve had some health challenges again this week. As those who are on my email list may know, I had a horrible bout of vertigo that lasted for four weeks, from mid-September to mid-October. Then I thought I was fine, but two nights ago I woke up in the middle of the night with everything spinning again.

Don’t worry–I’m seeing a physiotherapist, and I shall get better.

But I didn’t want to try to record a big podcast today, because I do want to address the podcast that I took down two weeks ago. However, I have a lot to say about that, and I’d rather do it in a week where people will be back on the internet, so that it gets the normal amount of downloads, and a week when I’m feeling well.

So I hope you’ll forgive me not having a new podcast out today!

I decided instead to link to the three podcasts that I end up referring to the most, and linking to the most.

I’ve received so many notes lately that the podcasts from the last few months, specifically on how to think about sex differently and realize that her pleasure matters, too, have completely changed the way that couples see sex. And so many women have told me they reached orgasm for the first time after they felt they had permission to speak up about what they needed. That’s awesome! There are so many, though, I didn’t know which specific one to link to. This one on frequency and libido differences maybe wraps up a lot, but there are many, and I’d encourage you just to browse!

So instead of those recent ones, which all flow from each other, I’d like to link to three others that I keep coming back to, again and again. I think I said some new things in these ones, and they were important ones, so if you missed any of these, why not listen to them this week?

Podcast 1: On Marital Rape & Obligation Sex

Do Christian books actually ignore marital rape and instead spread an obligation sex message? Quick answer: Yep. We discuss all of this in our upcoming book The Great Sex Rescue, which is now available for pre-order, but Rebecca and I got quite passionate in this podcast:

Or listen in here!

Podcast 2: On Headship & Ephesians 5

I’ve been told that the first 20 minutes of this podcast have set so many women free, and have inspired couples to think differently about marriage, putting Jesus back at the centre.

We’ve been told our whole lives that “husbands are the head of the house” (even though that’s not in the Bible) and “Husbands are the head of the wife.” But what does that actually mean? Maybe it doesn’t mean what we think it means!

Or listen in here!

3. How Does Porn Use Before Marriage Affect Marriage Now?

I shared the message in this podcast in a viral Twitter thread, in a post, and in this podcast. After a number of readers sent me emails telling me about a Focus on the Family radio broadcast where they said that the reason that men watch porn is because they don’t get sex at home, I decided to address this myth.

Most porn habits today pre-date the marriage. And porn habits can change the way that men see sex. It simply is wrong, and, frankly, unconscionable to make such a claim when we know better now. So let’s understand how porn use earlier in life ends up affecting marriage, rather than blaming women for something that started even before they met their husbands:

Or listen in here!

If you’ve already listened to all three of those podcasts, thank you for being patient with me anyway!

I just didn’t have the energy to record this week, and I hope that’s okay. Rebecca and I are recording this morning for next week’s podcast, but I needed a break.

And I hope you all are keeping calm and keeping strong and not letting news affect you, either!

Let me know in the comments: Did you listen to these before? Did any of these podcasts affect you more than others? What spoke to you? Let’s talk!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8
FacebookTwitter












Related Posts









5 Ways Husbands Can Bridge the “Orgasm Gap”

Oct 30, 2020 | 30 Comments

What can husbands do to help their wives reach orgasm more regularly? Welcome back! It’s Keith...

Start Your Engines Podcast: On Arousal Non-Concordance (and the Sexy Sex!)

Oct 29, 2020 | 2 Comments

What can husbands do to help their wives reach orgasm? It's the last Thursday of the month, which...

Are You Trying to Reach Orgasm Backwards?

Oct 28, 2020 | 5 Comments

I'm pretty sure that when most people start The Orgasm Course, they're going to head right to...

Do You Just Need a Breakthrough?

Oct 27, 2020 | 18 Comments

Do you wonder if orgasm will ever happen for you? Or whether it will ever happen without a...

The Orgasm Course is Here!

Oct 26, 2020 | 9 Comments

Who doesn't want to have an orgasm? We've been talking all month about orgasms--why it can be...

When your Husband is a Selfish Lover: 3 Ways to Talk to Him About It

Oct 23, 2020 | 26 Comments

What if your husband isn’t interested in doing the work to get you to orgasm? What if he’s a...

When Did You Feel Like an Adult?

Nov 4, 2020 | 25 Comments

When did you officially feel grown up? I'm sure we all woke up this morning to a little bit of a...

EMOTIONAL MATURITY SERIES: What Is Emotional Maturity?

Nov 3, 2020 | 15 Comments

When it comes to happiness in marriage, success in life, and fulfilling our calling, little is...

When Did You Feel Like an Adult?

When did you officially feel grown up?

I’m sure we all woke up this morning to a little bit of a fog that we weren’t necessarily expecting. I didn’t watch the election returns last night, and only tuned in at 7:15.

I don’t want to get political in this post, or in the comments (please!), but I will just say that I think a lot of people are very anxious today. I get it. Our prayers here in Canada are with those in the United States, and it looks like it will be a while until we know anything for sure.

But because we’re all feeling so strange, I thought I’d just write something small to think about today, as we all try to get our minds off politics or think about something else.

This month, on the blog, we’re talking about emotional maturity. I started our series off yesterday by talking about the four markers of emotional maturity. And I made the point that maturity doesn’t necessarily come with age–though it does tend to go in that direction.

So I wondered–when do we all start feeling like we’re mature? Like we’re grown ups? Like we’ve entered into a new category in life?

It took me a long time to feel like I’m actually a grown up.

I thought I’d feel like I was a grown up when I got married, but I didn’t.

Me in 1992, shortly after I was married.

I thought I’d feel it when I had kids, but I didn’t.

Sheila and Rebecca in 1998.

But sometime in the decade after the kids were born I crossed a line. I don’t know where it was, but I became a grown-up.

And I’m trying to figure out how to define it.

I started to grow up with men when I could stop asking, “Does he like me?”, and start asking, “Do I like him?”.

I began to feel like a grown up when I called my mom for her advice, and not her approval.

My mother and me in 2020

I knew I grew up when the fact that my father didn’t understand me became a cause for pity for him, rather than for angst, anger, or introspection on my behalf.

I felt like a grown up when I could begin to make a recipe without a recipe book and without worrying whether it was how my mother-in-law would make it.

I was a grown up when I stopped worrying what other people thought of my children’s behaviour and just concentrated on being the best mom I could be.

I was a grown up when I started taking better care of myself, like caring what I looked like again and not just hiding the earrings in the drawer because I couldn’t figure out how to wear them when the kids liked to pull on them. When I started prioritizing feeling good in my body, I felt more like a grown up.

I was a grown up when I could calmly talk to a salesperson about what their establishment had done that was beyond the pale, instead of letting them walk all over me.

I knew I was a grown up when I could start looking at other people’s kids and at teens and telling them what I honestly thought instead of being intimidated into worrying that I’d be labelled “the mean mom”.

I felt like a grown up when I could pray with other women in my church, even older ones, and feel like I could offer some counsel.

I felt like a grown up when I acted like others were my equals, instead of feeling insecure around those who were of higher rank or status than I was. Once I realized that didn’t matter, I knew I had grown up.

I felt like a grown up when I could see someone and have a conversation and not remember until the next day that I was supposed to be mad at them. I guess I don’t carry grudges in the same way anymore.

I knew I was a grown up when I could ask people over for dinner and not worry about whether they’d like what I made. I’d just cook what I liked, and figured everybody else would make do.

And I know I’m a grown up now that I can admit my faults to other people rather than trying to pretend to be perfect. I know now that there’s no point in pretending.

Our family, taken last month

And I feel like a grown up now because I’m realizing more and more, perhaps since turning 50 this year, that my citizenship is not here; it is in heaven. This life is important to Jesus, but it is only a fraction of eternity. So I think I can let go of things a lot easier now and not worry so much what other people think.

Frustrated about what’s happening in the world?

Maybe there are some things that it’s hard to change. But you CAN be a part of a change!

So let me do a shameless plug today. Help us change the evangelical conversation about sex. 

Pre-order The Great Sex Rescue now! When you pre-order, you’re guaranteed the lowest price. And you get the buzz going and bookstores/Amazon order more! 

So if you’re going to buy it anyway–pre-order now. And be part of the change (because it will be a huge one!)

Preorder Now!

What about you? Do you feel like a grown up, or do you still struggle with it? What makes you a grown up? Let’s talk about it in the comments!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8
FacebookTwitter












Related Posts









Start Your Engines Podcast: On Arousal Non-Concordance (and the Sexy Sex!)

Oct 29, 2020 | 2 Comments

What can husbands do to help their wives reach orgasm? It's the last Thursday of the month, which...

Are You Trying to Reach Orgasm Backwards?

Oct 28, 2020 | 5 Comments

I'm pretty sure that when most people start The Orgasm Course, they're going to head right to...

Do You Just Need a Breakthrough?

Oct 27, 2020 | 18 Comments

Do you wonder if orgasm will ever happen for you? Or whether it will ever happen without a...

The Orgasm Course is Here!

Oct 26, 2020 | 9 Comments

Who doesn't want to have an orgasm? We've been talking all month about orgasms--why it can be...

When your Husband is a Selfish Lover: 3 Ways to Talk to Him About It

Oct 23, 2020 | 26 Comments

What if your husband isn’t interested in doing the work to get you to orgasm? What if he’s a...

When You Need a Good Cup of Tea and a Book That Makes You Feel Better

Oct 21, 2020 | 9 Comments

Don't we all just want to escape reality right about now? We've got the news bombarding us with...

EMOTIONAL MATURITY SERIES: What Is Emotional Maturity?

Nov 3, 2020 | 14 Comments

When it comes to happiness in marriage, success in life, and fulfilling our calling, little is...

Why Don’t My Orgasms Feel Very Good?

Nov 2, 2020 | 2 Comments

"When I orgasm, it's okay, but it's not amazing or anything." I've heard that from many women in...

EMOTIONAL MATURITY SERIES: What Is Emotional Maturity?

When it comes to happiness in marriage, success in life, and fulfilling our calling, little is more important than emotional maturity.

It’s a little ironic that I’m writing this post, the first in our series on emotional maturity, on the day of the U.S. election. But there you go–and infer from that what you will!

But I think that we don’t talk about maturity enough when it comes to marriage. We talk about love languages; we certainly talk about sex (at least I do!); but do we talk about developing habits that contribute to peace and happiness overall?

Central to that is emotional maturity, and I’d like to focus on that throughout this month.

Often marriages are in trouble or become difficult because one or both partners is rather emotionally immature. When you’re the one who is immature, you can be hindered in making necessary changes to your marriage, and you could make things worse. When it’s your spouse who is immature, you may feel like your life is about managing their emotions, rather than actually dealing with underlying problems.

As we start this series, let’s look at four markers of emotional maturity:

Emotionally mature people recognize that they can change their life

A sign of maturity is that, if your life isn’t going the way you want it to go, instead of blaming others, you figure out what you can do about it yourself. Sometimes you can’t completely fix a situation; there may be too many things working against you. But maturity means you recognize where you do have choices, even if they’re small ones, and you make use of those choices.

Your primary focus is not blaming others for the past, but rather moving ahead.

This doesn’t mean that you take responsibility for causing your problems. That may be entirely out of your control. You  may have been injured in a car accident; you may have grown up with an alcoholic mother or abusive step-father; you may have married an abuser who hurt your children, too.

You didn’t cause these problems.

But when you do have problems,  you take the responsibility to move forward, even in small steps. Even if it’s simply to ask for help because the task is overwhelming, or to admit that you can’t do it all and instead get treatment or counseling, you’re the one who says, “something has to change,” and you try to make that change.

Think about someone you know who is always ruminating on how terrible their life is. You can likely think of ten things they could do differently right now, but they seem to always refuse to do even the smallest things to make life better, instead telling you all the reasons that life isn’t fair. And, to be honest, chances are they do have a lot stacked against them, and their life is objectively difficult. But maturity is realizing that no matter how much is against you, you can still act differently. You still have the ability to choose how to respond.

But maturity also means that we are able to see problems with clear eyes.

Often emotionally immature people don’t necessarily blame others–but they continually blame themselves. No matter what problem happens, they assume that they should have handled it better. It must be a character flaw. There must be something severely, irreperrably wrong with me. They’re unable to move ahead because they’re in the thick of self-hatred. Emotional maturity rises above initial defensive, angry, or hurt reactions and asks, “now, what do I actually do?”

Note: Victims of abuse can often feel as if everything is their responsibility and nothing is anyone else’s. This is a natural response to the emotional abuse that they are suffering. If your spouse is telling you that their bad treatment of you is not their fault, but is completely your fault, please call a domestic abuse hotline, or please see a licensed counselor trained in abuse dynamics.

Also, trauma can make it very difficult to see that you have choices or to move ahead. That’s why it’s so important for those who have experienced trauma to see licensed trauma therapists to help. When the brain has been affected by trauma, moving forward can be just about impossible. But there is help, and please seek it!

Emotionally mature people take responsibility for the things that are their responsibility

Maturity is not only about how you see the outside world, and recognizing that you can do things differently; it’s also feeling the moral responsibility to live up to your responsibilities!

If you’re a parent, you take responsibility for your children. That doesn’t mean you’re never tired or exhausted or overwhelmed or stressed. But you do realize that you must keep them fed, educated, happy, and healthy, and if you aren’t able to do that well, you get help. You realize that even if your emotions aren’t in a great place, your children still need you.

Emotionally mature people also recognize that they should be doing what they can to contribute in the realms where they should be responsible.

The apostle Paul, for instance, famously wrote “whoever does not work should not eat” (2 Thessalonians 3:10). That doesn’t mean that we all need to work outside the home, but it does mean that we should all be contributing.

I get far too many emails from people married to emotionally immature spouses who often get caught up in hobbies or having fun or doing things they want to do, and leave the work that does need to get done undone. Then the other spouse has to do far too much to pick up the slack.

Maybe you’re married to someone like that. Maybe your spouse works only sporadically, because they’re pursuing a dream–but that dream is not realistic, and they’re not working that hard at it anyway. Or maybe they flitter away the day, and you work all day and then come home and also have to make dinner and do the laundry and make sure the kids do their homework.

Maturity means recognizing that work does need to get done, and bills do need to get paid. Yes, we are to rest, and rest is important. But we were created for work, and part of being human is taking responsibility for the things entrusted to us.

Do you find it hard to split work at home? You may also enjoy:

The emotional labor and mental load series
Help! My husband won’t get a job


Emotionally mature people don’t blame others for their own emotions

Emotionally mature people recognize that their emotions are just theirs. And so when emotionally mature people are overwhelmed with negative emotions, they recognize that this is not someone else’s fault, and they do something about it.

They do not go into rages and yell at everyone in the home. They do not try to manipulate others into doing what they want. They recognize, “I am being irrational right now, and I need to stop.”

Now, this doesn’t mean that your spouse didn’t do something that annoyed you, or hurt you, or discouraged you. Other people certainly impact our emotions, and it’s okay and even healthy to recognize that! Emotional maturity is also about handling it properly when people do treat us inappropriately or treat us badly. It’s about recognizing when you’ve gotten into bad patterns that trigger your anger or disappointment, and minimizing those patterns or drawing proper boundaries. But what you don’t do is use your own negative emotions to threaten, manipulate, or scare others.

Note: Sometimes depression can make it look like we’re blaming others for our emotions or not taking responsibility for them. In cases of depression, a person is often incapable of “snapping out of it” or overcoming sadness or feelings of defeat. If you are experiencing overwhelming lethargy and hopelessless, please see a physician.

 

You may also enjoy:

What are your triggers for conflict?
Take our emotional needs inventory!
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage

 

Are you GOOD or are you NICE?

Because the difference matters!

God calls us to be GOOD, yet too often we’re busy being nice. And sometimes, in marriage, that can actually cause problems to be even more entrenched.

What if there’s a better way?

Take me to it!



















Emotionally mature people recognize their impact on others

Just as you can change your own life, you also impact those around you–and emotionally mature people are in tune to how their actions impact others.

For instance, if your spouse is dead tired every night and doesn’t want sex, an emotionally mature person doesn’t just respond to the fact that your spouse doesn’t want sex; an emotionally mature person asks, “why is my spouse dead tired every night?” And you may realize that it’s because they’ve been looking after the kids and making all the meals, while you’ve had down time. So you recognize that you have contributed to your spouse’s exhaustion.

Or if your child is whiny and fussy on an outing, you recognize that this doesn’t mean your child is “bad”; it could be that you arranged your day so that your child missed several naps, and you forgot to bring toys for your child to play with.

Sometimes, of course, other people are acting up and it really does have very little to do with you. But an emotionally mature person is able to look at the root cause of a behaviour and ask, “is this something that I contributed to?”, and then is able to respond appropriately to that.

Part of maturity is recognizing that everyone’s behaviour is highly dependent on environment. When we’re tired, stressed, hungry, lonely, we’re not going to react as well as we normally would. An emotionally mature person recognizes that both in him or herself and in others. When others react badly, they’re able to separate the behaviour from the individual and ask if there are underlying causes–causes that they themselves may have contributed to. Instead of expecting children, for instance, to act like angels when you’re out on errands, and berating them when they don’t, you expect children to act age-appropriately, and  you do what you can ahead of time to make temper tantrums less likely. But you don’t blow up at a child for acting in an age-appropriate way.

Emotional maturity, though, isn’t fixed.

In many ways, maturity comes with age, experience, and motivation.

I know many young people who are very mature, and many older people who are not. But unlike character, which is often very resistant to change, emotional maturity can change when you decide that you want to live differently and when you start taking concrete steps in the right direction.

None of this, then, is meant to say, “you are a bad person.”

Actually, quite the contrary! I know lots of people who aren’t that mature when they get married, but I’m not overly worried about it, because I know their character is good, and that they will move in the direction of their character. What I’d like to do this month, then, is talk about how we can grow in maturity, and also how we can help those around us grow in maturity, too.

So can I ask a favour? I wanted to include some stories in today’s post to illustrate what it may look like if someone won’t take responsibility for their own lives; for their own emotions; for the things that are their responsibility. But I didn’t have time because, quite frankly, we were working so hard at The Orgasm Course launch which ended last night at midnight!

So if you all leave some stories, I’d love to include them later this week to flesh this out more, because I really think this is important!

Posts in the Emotional Maturity Series:

Four Markers of Emotional Maturity
Accepting Your Emotions--and Getting Beyond Manipulation (November 9)
Accepting Responsibility for What You Can Change (November 16)
Dealing with Emotional Immaturity in Your Spouse (November 23)
When Christian Resources Perpetuate Your Spouse's Immaturity (November 30)

And check out 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage--my book that covers emotional maturity. Plus there's a FREE group study you can take with it!

What do you think? Is there a fifth marker? Have you seen these things play out in your family? Let’s talk in the comments!





















Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8
FacebookTwitter












Related Posts









THE LIBIDO SERIES: Can High Drive Spouses Be Content with Their Sex Lives?

Sep 8, 2020 | 72 Comments

If you want sex more often than your spouse, are you doomed to have a disappointing sex life? It's...

Can God Really Restore a Marriage?

Sep 1, 2020 | 17 Comments

If your marriage is broken, and you feel distant, and you're reeling from heartache, can God...

The PERIOD SERIES: Let’s Talk Periods, Going to the Beach, and Teenage Mortification

Aug 3, 2020 | 99 Comments

Do you remember being a teenager and having your period come right when the youth group was going...

SEX QUESTIONS SERIES: Who’s the REAL Sex Expert for Your Questions?

Jul 6, 2020 | 14 Comments

 When you have questions about sex, or you want to improve your sex life, where's the best place...

Learning to Let Your Husband Serve You

Jun 23, 2020 | 24 Comments

Do you have a hard time letting your husband do things for you? All month we've been talking about...

THE EMOTIONAL LABOR SERIES: Let’s Talk Emotional Labor and Mental Load

Jun 1, 2020 | 105 Comments

Mental load and emotional labor make women exhausted. We're starting our mental load and marriage...

THE ORGASM SERIES: You Are Not Broken if You Can’t Reach Orgasm

Oct 5, 2020 | 49 Comments

Over half of Christian women report that orgasm is, at best, a hit and miss thing. Many can't...

Are We Caring for Our Marriage or Just Craving the Benefits?

Sep 23, 2020 | 29 Comments

Entitlement can kill a marriage. We've been looking at libido differences in the month of...

Why Don’t My Orgasms Feel Very Good?

“When I orgasm, it’s okay, but it’s not amazing or anything.”

I’ve heard that from many women in the comments this month, and Keith and I talked about one such reader question on the podcast last Thursday.

I was actually going to launch a new series today on emotional maturity, but I’ve decided to push that back until tomorrow so that I can wrap up the Orgasm Series today. And the launch price on our Orgasm Course ends at midnight tonight, too! Right now, it’s still $20 off the course for BOTH the men’s and women’s editions. And it’s honestly the best, most comprehensive course we’ve ever made. If orgasm is a struggle, you need to check it out!

We’ve been focusing all month on the problem of women NOT orgasming, but I’d like to grapple with this one before we end.

What if women ARE orgasming, but it’s not that great?

The standard answer may be “well, maybe she only THINKS she’s orgasming,” and there may be something to that. But from the comments that have come in, and the reader questions, it’s pretty clear that women do know what an orgasm feels like and that it is happening. So I’m going to assume that’s not problem.

Why would an orgasm not feel amazing?

I’d like to run down the argument we made in the podcast. Perhaps you all have already listened to it, but I’m worried that some haven’t, and so I want this in writing so that I can point people back to it later.

So let’s go back to first principles.

Orgasms have two components: Physical arousal and mental desire.

Your mind should feel in the mood for sex, should want sex, should desire sex, should be thinking, “woohoo! It’s sexy time!”

And your body should be responding, too, by showing the signs of arousal. 

That’s ideally how it should work.

But sometimes we can have arousal non-concordance, where the physical and the mental don’t match up.

The classic example, and the one I always want to stress whenever we’re talking about this, is the case of sexual assault.

There is little in life more traumatic and terrifying than sexual assault and sexual abuse.

But what compounds the shame for many victims is that, even though they are being assaulted, they may still feel aroused and even reach orgasm. Because of that, they assume that at some level they must have wanted it.

Nothing can be further from the truth. 

During assault or abuse, your responses are heightened. You’re in fight/flight/freeze mode. Different areas of your brain are activated. And that means that you may physically respond because your senses are heightened even if your brain doesn’t want this at all. It’s quite a common phenomenon, actually, and we should talk about it more so that assault victims understand you did not ask for this. You did not want this. This is not your fault. 

Physical arousal is not a sign that you actually consented or that you wanted something.

But even at other times, our physical arousal may not match up with our mental arousal.

It is possible to force physical response through sheer will or intense stimulation without the mental desire being there.

When we frequently think about the problem with orgasm, we assume the issue is that the body won’t orgasm, so it must have a body problem. Usually, however, it’s not a body problem but instead a problem with the mental desire component. That’s why we spend three of the five modules in The Orgasm Course talking about elements of getting yourself in a sexy headspace and getting rid of the things that take away the sexy headspace! It’s only in Modules 4 and 5 that we actually get to physical technique (about how to orgasm in general and how to orgasm during intercourse specifically).

But what if there isn’t a body problem, but there still is this mental block where you don’t feel all “sexy sex?” Then orgasms aren’t going to feel that wonderful, because it’s the mental desire part that makes everything stupendous.

Your body is responding, but it’s not responding in context. It’s more like instinct.

Here are two examples of comments or stories from readers where I think that arousal non-concordance is the real story:

Hey Sheila, love your podcasts, youtubes, and books. We been married for almost 40 years and sex has never been great for my wife. I’ve come to terms with it then become frustrated and the cycle continues. Yesterday we had a heart to heart about why she does not enjoy sex. She says that her orgasms don’t feel good to her. I have no answer for that. She can have them as quickly as 3 minutes or take as long as 30 minutes. I rarely can bring her to orgasm by hand. She needs a toy to hep her. My question is why would an orgasm not feel good? She just does not know why either. Can you help.

I have to be on top leaning forward and get contact on my clitoris that way or just use a hand/toy whatever during sex. It’s just another way to get friction and tbh having a penis inside detracts for me.

Can orgasm really be “forced”?

Let me tell you a story. When my daughters were teenagers, they were both lifeguards and swim instructors at the YMCA. It was a running joke among the instructors about how you had to be careful with the little girls and the jets. Girls would position themselves so that the jets hit their vulvas, because it felt good. Rebecca and Katie were constantly being asked by the male swim teachers to come and take a little girl (we’re talking 4-7 years old, typically) away from the jets.

Now, these girls were not thinking “sexy sex.” They weren’t thinking sex at all! It was simply something that feels good, in the way that I am in raptures when I put a Q-tip in my ear. That’s also why we shouldn’t freak out if a young child touches herself or himself, by the way. Touching your genitals because it feels good is not the same as masturbating, which is about sexual intent.

As adults, we can do the same thing. We can apply such intense stimulation with a vibrator that we do actually reach orgasm–but that orgasm just feels “meh”. It’s not stupendous or anything. Or we can concentrate so hard on our bodies that we can almost “will” ourselves to orgasm, even if the mental part isn’t there.

It’s the mental desire that really makes sex feel passionate and intimate

The physical is the culmination of the mental part for most women. Without the mental, it doesn’t feel like much.

And so you can be having sex, and you can still be wondering what all the fuss is about, even after orgasm.

For most women, the problem is learning how to make the body physically respond.

And often it’s the mental desire piece that’s missing. There’s something that’s stopping you from being able to become aroused, or that’s holding you back once you are aroused, and you can only get so far. So unlocking all the mental pieces is crucially important. 

But even if you are reaching orgasm, if it doesn’t feel that wonderful, and if you’re spending the entire time almost “willing” yourself to orgasm, rather than being present and just enjoying your husband, you still may be missing an important piece.

Without your body wanting the “sexy sex”, so to speak, then sex doesn’t feel that wonderful. So learning more about mind/body connection, and uncovering how you really feel about sex, and going back to the beginning and figuring out that arousal piece just by making out again, and taking away the expectations of orgasm and just learning to explore–well, those are all things that may open up real sexual pleasure for you.

Orgasms are meant to feel amazing.

Yes, they can be of different intensities, but if they always, always leave you feeling, “meh”, then I’d ask yourself:

Was I excited before I orgasmed? Did I enjoy the stimulation?
Did I feel arousal in different parts of my body, like some parts wanted to be touched?
Was I responding to my husband at all, or was it just to a toy/my mind?
Was I hurrying to get to the end, or was I able to be present in the moment?

And if you are struggling, please check out The Orgasm Course! Going through those first three modules can help you get the mental desire part back. And then working through Modules 4 & 5 can help you reach orgasm while enjoying being with your husband, rather than through sheer will.

The Orgasm Course is Here to Help You Experience Real Passion!

Figure out what's holding you back. Open the floodgates to orgasm.

And it's $20 off right now for the complete course (women's edition & men's edition) until November 2!

Tell Me More about It!





I Need that Now!



















Arousal non-concordance is more common than we think.

And it shows up differently in different people! Some women will have the desire for sex but not the ability to orgasm; some will orgasm without the real mental desire yet. 

But we can put those two pieces together. Don’t give up hope! We’re complex creatures, and we’re made that way to protect ourselves. But when we’re truly able to let go with our husbands, and get rid of all the protective parts and pretences, then sex can be passionate and wonderful!

So if you’re struggling, remember: You’ve got until midnight tonight to get BOTH versions of The Orgasm Course–the men’s and women’s editions–for just $49 USD. After that, it goes up to $69. Check it out--and I hope it helps you!

What do you think? Have you ever experienced arousal non-concordance? Let’s talk in the comments!

The Orgasm Series:

You Are Not Broken if Orgasm is Elusive
The Orgasm Podcast 
5 Things that Make it More Likely that She Will Reach Orgasm
What Sex is Like for Women Who Don't Orgasm
How Do I Not Feel Self-Conscious about what it Takes to Reach Orgasm?
10 Things Husbands Who Are Great Lovers Do
Figuring out What's Holding You Back from Orgasm
What to Say to Your Husband if He's a Selfish Lover
The Orgasm Course Launch
Start Your Engines Podcast: When your wife has difficulty with orgasm 
5 Ways Husbands Can Bridge the Orgasm Gap
Why Don't My Orgasms Feel That Great?

And don't forget to check out:

31 Days to Great Sex
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex

And Get our Orgasm Course for $20 off during the Launch Period!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8
FacebookTwitter












Related Posts









When your Husband is a Selfish Lover: 3 Ways to Talk to Him About It

Oct 23, 2020 | 26 Comments

What if your husband isn’t interested in doing the work to get you to orgasm? What if he’s a...

What’s Holding You Back from Great Sex?

Oct 20, 2020 | 26 Comments

Often what we think about sex gets in the way of great sex. We're in the middle of our orgasm...

The ORGASM Series: 10 Things Husbands Who Are Great Lovers Do

Oct 19, 2020 | 40 Comments

What do husbands who care about their wife's pleasure and their wife's orgasm actually do? We're...

How Can I Stop Being Self-Conscious About How Long it Takes for Me to Orgasm?

Oct 16, 2020 | 29 Comments

Is orgasm elusive because the whole time you're worrying that you're taking too long? We're in the...

The ORGASM SERIES: What Sex Is Like for Women Who Never Orgasm

Oct 13, 2020 | 32 Comments

About a quarter of women never reach orgasm, or very rarely reach orgasm, when they have sex with...

The ORGASM SERIES: 5 Things That Make Her Orgasm More Likely

Oct 12, 2020 | 68 Comments

Can research point us to what makes women more orgasmic--and what makes orgasm less likely?...

Are You Trying to Reach Orgasm Backwards?

Oct 28, 2020 | 5 Comments

I'm pretty sure that when most people start The Orgasm Course, they're going to head right to...

Do You Just Need a Breakthrough?

Oct 27, 2020 | 18 Comments

Do you wonder if orgasm will ever happen for you? Or whether it will ever happen without a...

5 Ways Husbands Can Bridge the “Orgasm Gap”

What can husbands do to help their wives reach orgasm more regularly?

Welcome back! It’s Keith here, Sheila’s husband, with another instalment of “Men’s Corner” where we talk primarily to Sheila’s male readers about some of the things being said on the blog.

(Don’t worry, women, it’s okay for everyone to read or comment!).

This month the theme is orgasm, obviously an important topic. Why is this such a difficult thing in so many marriages? Why are there so many marriages where she rarely (or never) orgasms?  What can a Christian husband do to rectify this in his own relationship with his wife?

Rather than diving straight in, though, I want to lead into the discussion from a different direction.  It might initially sound like a tangent, but I think it is fundamental to understanding this issue and I am confident you will see why once we get there.

Last month there were a few comments on the blog and the Facebook page about how the problem with lack of sex in Christian marriages was ultimately “women’s selfishness”. This really irked me. At first, I thought it was the fact that it was insulting to women.  I assumed I was just feeling defensive on their behalf. Yes, sometimes women can be selfish, but so can men! And to imply that women are somehow MORE selfish than men is really not something any of us truly believe, is it?. (At least I hope not). Would we husbands accept a statement like “the problem is men’s selfishness” (i.e. if we men stopped wanting sex that would be the best solution)? If not, we shouldn’t be saying the same to our wives either.

But then I realized what truly bugged me about those comments was much deeper.  It was the fact that they were typical of a disturbing thought pattern that I see continuously in Christian marriage teaching –

We have an underlying assumption that sex is basically something for men and not for women. 

To paraphrase the idea, it goes something like this: “Come on, ladies, we know you don’t want to, but it really matters to him, so why can’t you just help him out?” Basically, good Christian women aren’t supposed to enjoy sex, but good Christian men are. You may think I am exaggerating, but how else do you account for the fact that Emerson Eggerichs, speaking to women in his book Love & Respect, could say “If your husband is typical, he has a need you don’t have (emphasis mine)” and nobody bats an eye. In fact, many Christian marriage books (eg. His Needs Her Needs, The Power of a Praying Wife, etc) talk about how sex is a need for the husband and affection is the correlating need for the wife (as if we both don’t need both!) This thinking is everywhere and it really irks me.

And Sheila and I talked about this a ton on yesterday’s podcast!

But what does this have to do with orgasm? 

If you think about it, it is pretty obvious.  This month Sheila has been talking about what women require in order to be able to orgasm. Let’s just consider two points.

First, women need to feel comfortable in their own body and second, they need time to get sufficiently aroused.

It is easy to see how the “sex is for men” mindset can wreak havoc on both of these. Imagine you are a wife who has internalized this message.  How comfortable are you going to feel relaxing, letting go and enjoying this experience which you are “not supposed to like”?  How comfortable are you going to be telling your husband what does and doesn’t feel good?  Or what if you are a husband who has internalized this message? How likely are you to devote the time it takes to “make it happen” for her? If this whole sex thing is for you anyway and “women just want affection”, what is your incentive to get better at bringing her to orgasm? There isn’t one!

The good news is that it doesn’t have to be that way. We can do better than this!

We can completely reject this notion that sex is for us husbands and not for our wives and both have much more satisfying sex lives in the process.

The Orgasm Course is Here to Help You Experience Real Passion!

Figure out what's holding you back. Open the floodgates to orgasm.

And it's $20 off right now for the complete course (women's edition & men's edition) until November 2!

Tell Me More about It!





I Need that Now!



















There are things we can do as Christian husbands to make sure our wives don’t have to experience the “orgasm gap” Sheila has been talking about all month.

So, if you want to learn how to rock your wife’s world, read on.

1. Believe that sex was meant to be pleasurable for your wife, too! 

The idea that women can’t enjoy sex is clearly false.  Women do have the capacity to derive great pleasure from sex. They may take longer to warm up, but when they reach orgasm, they can have multiple or prolonged orgasms. They don’t have a refractory period like men, so they can have prolonged, intense enjoyment if things are done right.

Yet in many marriages, wives orgasm far less frequently than their husbands. Resolve not to be one of those marriages! Let your wife know that her pleasure matters to you with your words and your actions. So many women email Sheila asking how to talk to their husbands about the fact that they are always “left hanging”.  Don’t be one of those relationships.  If you are a husband whose wife never or rarely orgasms, I encourage you to read this post and resolve to no longer deprive your wife of the opportunity to have a wonderful mutually satisfying experience with her husband.

2. Avoid the “obligation sex” message at all costs. 

People can be guilted into things fairly easily (depending on the person of course), and women are no exception. However, people are never going to truly enjoy something if their underlying motivation to participate is guilt.

Guys, you need to realize that so many women feel this overwhelming sense of guilt about sex. It’s like a lead straight-jacket for them.  They fear if they are not sexually available that their husbands will stray or watch pornography. They feel like they have a duty to perform because – as I said above – they have been taught that repeatedly.

How can they possibly enjoy sex if that is why they are doing it in the first place?

If you truly recognize that sex is meant to be enjoyable for your wife as well, you will do your level best to get rid of any sense of obligation in your sex life. She needs to know that you will love her and be faithful to her no matter what. Only when she knows she is safe can she really be free to experience her own sexuality with you. This is really easy to mess up without knowing.  For instance, one commenter last month noted how after she had had a sexual encounter with her husband where she DID orgasm, he asked her “So why don’t you want to do this all the time?”. I am pretty sure he didn’t intend to lay a guilt trip on her, but I am 99.9% sure that he was clueless enough not to realize that’s what he actually did!

3. Don’t expect your wife’s sexuality to be the same as yours.

I talked a bit about this already in my post on seeing sex from a woman’s perspective, but we sometimes assume that  if our wives don’t experience sexuality the same way we do, that something is wrong with them or with us or maybe both.

For instance, let’s consider time from initiation of sex to orgasm. If you have decided “Tonight’s the night” for her and you are not aware of (or don’t appreciate) the fact that women take considerably longer than men, you may start sending her signals about why this is taking “so long” once you get past the point that this would already be over for you. Hopefully you would never say that out loud (although sadly, Sheila does get emails from women whose husbands have said just that), but trust me, if you are thinking it, she will pick up on it.  She might even say it before you do! (Remember the guilt straight-jacket I talked about earlier?).

Instead, you should recognize and appreciate that women see sex differently than men and that is not a bad thing. One of the recurring themes in Sheila’s post about what husbands who are great lovers do is the sense that you have all the time in the world for them. Enjoy the moment instead of sprinting for the finish line. See sex as more than intercourse. Aim to have the experience be mutually enjoyable by making it stress-free and deadline-free.

4. Remember that sex is meant to be mutual and to be intimate, more than just a physical release.

Sadly, however, sex is quite often presented in exactly those kind of transactional terms, even within the church. This is not a godly view of sex, but an incredibly worldly one.  I might upset some of you, but I think it could be said that it is basically a pornographic view of sex. 

What I mean is this: Pornography is all about pleasure and taking that from another person rather than about relationship and mutuality.  It is ultimately about one person using another rather than two people experiencing true intimacy.  I think this way of thinking about sex has crept in more than we would like to realize.  In contrast, Sheila has shown in many posts how the Biblical perspective differs from this and Is centred around true intimacy and mutuality.  The word “know” is used in Scripture repeatedly to denote sexual relations (as in “Adam knew his wife, Eve”).  This is not a euphemism. God doesn’t need to speak in code words about what He has created. This is meant to tell us that although sex may be physical it is also more than that, something deeply intimate and personal and – it seems clear to me – also mutual.

It’s okay to have “his” nights and “her” nights once in a while, for sure, but if you are in a relationship where sex is mostly one sided or is all about the physical, you are missing out on the much deeper level of intimacy that God intend sex to be.

5. Finally, be open to learning and doing things differently than you have in the past.

Most of all, talk to your wife. Just because sex is working for you, doesn’t mean it is working for her.  I have seen too many marriages where men assumed everything was fine and didn’t realize there was a problem till it was too late.

Ask her honestly how things could be better for her and listen to what she says.  If she is looking for more, but doesn’t know how to get there either, then seek out good resources together (like The Orgasm Course!).  Couples struggle for far too long with simple problems because they didn’t seek the help they needed. And there is help out there!  Our newly released “The Orgasm Course” has lots of fantastic information to help you and your wife in this area. Sheila and her team put TONS of work into this and it is just excellent. This whole blog is dedicated to building an amazing sexual relationship in your marriage and I hope you find lots here to help. But one of the major keys to seeing that happen is for us husbands to see sex as something that is meant for both the husband and the wife and dedicate ourselves to making sure she derives as much enjoyment from it as we do.

And remember–right now, during Launch Week, you get BOTH the men’s version of the course and the women’s version of the course for $49–that’s $20 off the regular price. Guys, we can have a lot to learn about how our wives work, and The Orgasm Course isn’t designed so that she figures out what’s wrong with her and fixes it; it’s designed so that we figure out what’s holding her back TOGETHER, and we learn together.

So let’s do this!

Tell Me More about It!





I Need that Now!

What do you think? Is there another tip you’d add? Let’s talk in the comments!

Keith Gregoire

Blog and Podcast Contributor, Co-Author with Sheila of two upcoming marriage books

Keith is the rock that supports Sheila, who runs this blog! Sheila and Keith married when Keith was attending Queen's University medical school in Kingston, Ontario. He later completed his residency in pediatrics at the Hospital for Sick Children, and has since directed the pediatric undergraduate program at Queen's University, and been Chief of Pediatrics at a community hospital in Belleville, Ontario. He and Sheila speak at marriage conferences around the world, and together they've also done medical missions in Kenya. Next up: They're authoring The Guy's Guide to Great Sex together! Plus, of course, he's an avid birdwatcher.













Related Posts









Start Your Engines Podcast: On Frequency, Libido–and Being Sex Starved

Sep 24, 2020 | 4 Comments

It's time for our men's podcast--and this week we're continuing our conversation about libido...

The “How NOT to Flirt with Your Wife” Podcast

Aug 27, 2020 | 11 Comments

It's the last Thursday of the month, so it's time for our Start Your Engines podcast, directed...

Start Your Engines: Your Wife’s Not Broken!

Jul 30, 2020 | 3 Comments

What happens when a couple gets married, and sex doesn't work well for her? Well, I'll tell you...

Understanding Sex from a Woman’s Perspective

Jul 29, 2020 | 40 Comments

Can men understand sex from a woman's perspective? Or is there such a thing as a "man's...

Hey, Guys: This is What Mental Load Means to Women

Jun 25, 2020 | 11 Comments

How can men and women work together to understand mental load--and deal with it well? It's the...

Why I Kissed “Give Me a List” Goodbye

Jun 24, 2020 | 14 Comments

Is it fair for husbands to just say, "Give me a list of what you want done and I'll do it?" It's...

Start Your Engines Podcast: On Arousal Non-Concordance (and the Sexy Sex!)

Oct 29, 2020 | 2 Comments

What can husbands do to help their wives reach orgasm? It's the last Thursday of the month, which...

The ORGASM Series: 10 Things Husbands Who Are Great Lovers Do

Oct 19, 2020 | 39 Comments

What do husbands who care about their wife's pleasure and their wife's orgasm actually do? We're...

Start Your Engines Podcast: On Arousal Non-Concordance (and the Sexy Sex!)

What can husbands do to help their wives reach orgasm?

It’s the last Thursday of the month, which means it’s time for one of our Start Your Engines podcasts, where we talk more to the guys. And today Keith and I are talking about the beliefs & attitudes that men can show that can help their wives reach orgasm–and can help men become their wives’ heroes!

Our biggest theme running through today’s podcast: You need BOTH the mind and body engaged for sex to be awesome.

First, listen in!

Listen to the Podcast Here

Browse all the Different Podcasts

Link to the last regular podcast

This week we’re launching The Orgasm Course on the blog.

It’s the one big product I’ve been wanting to make for years–but I never wanted to do it unless I could do it well, because this really matters. So this year, because of COVID, we had more time on our hands, and we threw ourselves into the research.

So on today’s podcast I quizzed Keith on two key questions that we deal with in the men’s component of the course:

What’s the #1 belief that makes orgasm difficult for women?

Keith nailed this one–likely because it’s the focus for his post that’s coming tomorrow, and it’s something he’s been thinking about a lot.

We think of sex primarily in terms of men’s experience, not women’s experience. And so we think it’s more for the guys.

What’s the #1 attitude that makes orgasm difficult for women?

It’s feeling as if she’s taking too long! Like she’s a chore. LIke this is too much work.

So guys–no puppy dog eyes, no looking sad or frustrated, no looking like you’re in a hurry!

Then we turned to two reader questions:

I can’t get into sex since finding out my husband uses porn

 

My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years and are in our mid twenties. Right before the wedding I found porn on his phone. Long story short he said he would fix the problem however, I found it again a few months later. The whole time this was going on he claimed he completely stopped and just lied the whole time. We have been working on transparency and things like that and it’s helped. Before the porn discovery I was super into him and very much physically attracted. After the porn discovery and being lied to about it my sex drive is just not great. I felt insecure and betrayed and didn’t really want anything to do with him. Here’s my question, how do I become attracted to my husband and find my sex drive again? I want to have a great sex life and be interested in him again I just can’t seem to overcome the problems in my head.

Such a common one! When women feel as if sex is no longer intimate, or as if they have to have sex to keep their husband from lust, libido & orgasm tank.

My wife says she doesn’t enjoy orgasm.

 

Hay Sheila, love your podcasts, youtubes, and books. We been married for almost 40 years and sex has never been great for my wife. I’ve come to terms with it then become frustrated and the cycle continues. Yesterday we had a heart to heart about why she does not enjoy sex. She says that her orgasms dont feel good to her. I have no answer for that. She can have them as quickly as 3 minutes or take as long as 30 minutes. I rarely can bring her to orgasm by hand. She needs a toy to hep her. My question is why would an orgasm not feel good? She just does not know why either. Can you help.

This sounds to me like arousal non-concordance

We have two components to arousal and great sex: mental desire and physical arousal. It’s possible to have physical arousal and no desire–and vice versa. 

For instance, as we talked about in our podcast, when our daughters were swim instructors, they were constantly having to take the little girls away from the jets, because the girls often would open their legs and put the jets on their vulvas because it felt good. It wasn’t sexy–it simply felt good.

It’s possible for you to force a physical feeling without the mental component, which can often happen with intense stimulation like vibrators, or with stimulation in intense conditions (which is why sexual assault survivors often feel physical arousal. Doesn’t mean they wanted it; but their bodies responded. They were still assaulted!).

I think that’s what was going on with a few of our commenters in the last few weeks, too, who said that they could reach orgasm, but didn’t really enjoy it, because they needed a vibrator or intense stimulation, and often their husband just got in the way.

What needs to happen here is that we awaken the mental component–real desire. 

That’s why in our Orgasm Course the physical stuff only starts in Module 4 of 5–the first 3 are all about the mental component! Going back to first principles would help here.

The Orgasm Course is Here to Help You Experience Real Passion!

Figure out what's holding you back. Open the floodgates to orgasm.

And it's $20 off right now for the complete course (women's edition & men's edition) until November 2!

Tell Me More about It!





I Need that Now!



















Things Mentioned in this Podcast

The Orgasm Course
10 Things Husbands Who Are Great Lovers Do
What Do I Do if My Young Daughter Touches Herself?
The Porn series

I hope that helps! And we are proud especially of the men’s units in the Orgasm Course. When we can all get the same vision for how amazing sex is supposed to be–mutual, pleasurable, and intimate–then marriage soars!

What do you think? Do the #1 attitude and #1 belief that kill orgasm for women impact you? Have you ever heard of arousal non-concordance? Let’s talk in the comments!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8
FacebookTwitter












Related Posts









Let’s Make the World a Little Less Scary for Women

Oct 2, 2020 | 46 Comments

Do men realize how much women have to be on their guard? Keith (Sheila's husband) here at the blog...

The Sexual Abuse Questions Podcast: Pointing to Recovery

Oct 1, 2020 | 18 Comments

Sexual abuse is one of the most damaging and traumatic things a person can go through. Warning:...

Start Your Engines Podcast: On Frequency, Libido–and Being Sex Starved

Sep 24, 2020 | 4 Comments

It's time for our men's podcast--and this week we're continuing our conversation about libido...

PODCAST: What if Libido Differences and Frequency Aren’t the Real Issues?

Sep 17, 2020 | 29 Comments

We talk about frequency issues and libido issues in marriage as if they're the problem to be...

PODCAST: Are Sex for Men and Talking for Women REALLY Equivalent?

Sep 10, 2020 | 83 Comments

"How would you feel if your husband only talked to you once a week?" In today's podcast I'm...

The Let’s Prevent Bad Marriages Podcast!

Sep 3, 2020 | 23 Comments

What if someone you love is about to make a bad marriage choice? Or what if your...

The ORGASM Series: 10 Things Husbands Who Are Great Lovers Do

Oct 19, 2020 | 39 Comments

What do husbands who care about their wife's pleasure and their wife's orgasm actually do? We're...

The PODCAST Extras: The One Big Roadblock to Orgasm

Oct 15, 2020 | 25 Comments

With all the things that harm a woman's chances of orgasm, does any one thing stand out? We're in...