Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 47
October 14, 2020
Here’s What I’ve Wanted to “Uncover” For You!
Can I just be super excited–like super-jumping-up-and-down excited, today?
I have something really fun to share with you all, and I’ve been trying to figure out how to share it, because it really can’t be a post, in and of itself.
But I couldn’t wait anymore, and so I decided to combine it with a bunch of other things I have to share with you and just make a newsy, breezy post.
And there are some affiliate links below!
So here it is.
Are you ready?
The Great Sex Rescue is available for pre-order!
THIS is what has been taking most of our time in the last year. So many of you participated in our survey of 20,000 Christian women–and so many of you helped me recruit even more people to take the survey!
And THIS is the book I’ve always wanted to write–all the teachings and beliefs that have wrecked sex for couples, and how we can reclaim what God intended.
You’ll read it and it will be like a breath of fresh air, a validation, a relief. You’ll see that you’re not alone, that the reason that sex has been difficult for you is rooted in what we’ve been taught. And also–that you don’t need to stay stuck!
And you want to know something else I just discovered?
It’s coming out in hardcover, too!
Along with the normal paperback, kindle version, and audio version (that I get to narrate!), they’re also releasing a hardcover version. That means the publisher really believes in this book.
And you can pre-order it now and you’re guaranteed to get the lowest price. When you pre-order, you really help me. The more pre-orders there are, the more Amazon will stock it and the more bookstores will see that Amazon is buying it, and then they will stock it, too.
And today is Amazon Prime Day, so it’s a great day to shop!
So many deals are available, so while you pick some of them up–pre-order The Great Sex Rescue, too! (And let me know that you did in the comments, too!)
Take me to it!
Today’s a great day to get ANY of my books from Amazon, when you’re also shopping the deals:
Get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex!
Get 31 Days to Great Sex!
Get 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage!
While you’re at Amazon, pick up the two parenting books we’ve been talking about on our podcasts!
People often ask us for recommendations for books that we recommend, and we do have a hard time giving them because we’ve spent so much time the last year looking at the best-selling resources that were actually HARMFUL (and we included why in The Great Sex Rescue). I’m looking forward to finding healthy books, especially by authors who aren’t as well-known, to start recommending.
But the two parenting ones that we talk about again and again are Discipline that Connects with Your Child’s Heart, an amazing book that focused on what godly discipline is, rather than punishment, and Rebecca’s book Why I Didn’t Rebel, in which she interviewed a ton of millennials to find out commonalities that had some leaving the faith and some sticking with it. It’s a book full of stories that will resonate, and show you how some of the things you assumed were necessary actually work directly against kids developing their own relationships with God.
Here they are–and again, today’s a great day to pick things up on Amazon!
See it on Amazon!
See it on Amazon!
And, hey, if you already have all my books, or you’re just going shopping at Amazon for Prime Day–when there are TONS of specials–remember to use my link to help support the blog!
Going shopping?
Use my link to support this blog!
Can you pretty please follow me on Instagram?
I’d really like to grow my Instagram following, because once I get to 10,000 followers it’s easier for me to add links to my stories. So I’ve made it my goal that I want to get to 10,000 followers by the time The Great Sex Rescue launches, so that I can get the word out about what healthy teaching on sex in marriage looks like. I’m about 58% of the way there. So can you follow me? I do post about my blog & podcasts, but I also put lots of personal stuff in, like this:
View this post on Instagram
A post shared by Sheila Gregoire (@sheilagregoire) on Sep 20, 2020 at 5:20pm PDT
Thank you!
Over 300 of you have downloaded the Intimately Us “fun and sexy” app!
That’s awesome! I talked about Intimately Us in a post earlier this month, and how it helps you spice things up, try new things, but especially helps you discover each other’s preferences (and even discover your own). It’s really all about growing intimacy.
Well, in the comments yesterday I was talking to Trevor about it, and told him that my take was that what made this app stand out was the emphasis on discovery. He downloaded it, and wrote back:
After downloading it and paying the one-time payment yesterday, I have to say I’m really impressed it with it. We went through all of the questions and love the interface between devices. We haven’t gotten into everything yet, but I would have to agree that it’s much more comprehensive and focused on getting to know each other. I’m quite impressed and love the variety that has been implemented into this new app. Thank you for sharing it.
Trevor
It really is a great app–if you haven’t downloaded it yet, check it out.
Read My Review of It!
Check the App Out!
Finally, can I just ask for prayer for dizziness?
I’ve been suffering for the last three weeks with Benign paroxysmal positional vertigo (BPPV). It’s caused by a build-up of calcium on the follicles of the inner ear, which make you INCREDIBLY dizzy, feeling as if the whole room is spinning. I’ve had it worse than a lot of people get it, I think. I have done the exercises they recommend, and it has helped. But it hasn’t completely resolved, and it got worse again this week after getting better for a bit.
It means I can’t work for very long every day, and I’m trying to finish up the filming for our Orgasm Course. I’m spending longer at Katie’s filming than I anticipated because we’re trying to go slowly.
But it’s very hard to sleep, because it’s often worse at night. So if you could say a prayer for me, that would be great. This is relatively harmless. It isn’t going to kill me, and it doesn’t mean anything’s really life-threateningly wrong. But it’s very hard to live with, and I’m afraid I’ll never be able to do yoga again (which I love). I’d just like the room to stop spinning!
Incidentally, we do have a prayer email that we send out periodically, because we need a LOT of prayer, especially as the new book launches. We’re going to get a lot of pushback. So if you’re interested in being a part of that, just sign up! I’d so appreciate it.
Sheila Wray Gregoire
Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8
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October 13, 2020
The ORGASM SERIES: What Sex Is Like for Women Who Never Orgasm
About a quarter of women never reach orgasm, or very rarely reach orgasm, when they have sex with their husbands.
Another quarter orgasm only sometimes.
According to our survey of 20,000 Christian women, only 48% of women is orgasm reliable.
During the month of October, we’re talking all about orgasm, leading up to the launch of our Orgasm Course on October 26! (Make sure you’re signed up to the email list so you’ll get notified when it launches–and you don’t miss the launch bonus!)
Last week we talked about how you’re not broken if you don’t orgasm, and in the orgasm podcast last week I elaborated on that and shared some of the research on what makes orgasm more likely. And then yesterday Rebecca shared 5 things the research tells us makes orgasm more likely.
Today I want to paint a picture of what sex can be like for women who don’t orgasm–with thanks to some awesome commenters who first gave me these analogies!
Last week I was working on the men’s add-on to our Orgasm Course (a mini-course for men which will walk husbands through understanding female sexuality and helping her reach climax), and I shared this with them:
Imagine if we were taught that what women really need to feel loved is to go out to eat at a restaurant at least once a week, where you talk and enjoy a delicious meal. This is the pinnacle of marriage for her. This is how she feels loved.
So let’s picture a couple–Tracey and Dan–who try to live by this.
One Tuesday night, Tracey and Dan head to the restaurant. They order appetizers, and a main course, and a dessert, and the coffee and tea.
The waitress comes with Tracey’s appetizer–a steaming bowl of cheese and broccoli soup. Tracey eats it and declares it delicious. But nothing comes for Dan.
Then Tracey’s steak arrives. Dan’s still wondering where his appetizer is, but Tracey starts slathering on the butter and the sour cream onto the baked potato, and takes a bite of the steak with peppercorn sauce and asparagus. She loves it. She declares it amazing.
While Tracey’s eating, the couple also starts talking about the future. They imagine what life will be like when the kids are teenagers, and they don’t have to get up at the crack of dawn anymore. They dream about one day going on that vacation to the Grand Canyon they’ve always mused about. They wonder about fixing up Tracey’s uncle’s cottage, and spending a few weeks there this summer. They talk about Dan’s work and how it’s both stressful and rewarding at the same time.
Now Tracey’s steak is finished, and the waitress is heading towards the couple again.
In front of Tracey she places a steaming, luscious molten lava cake. Tracey squeals in delight as she scoops some out with her spoon.
Just as she’s almost finishing, the waitress finally arrives with Dan’s chicken wing appetizer. Dan’s ecstatic, and he digs in, eating one quickly, and then another.
But before he can get to his third, Tracey stands up, ready to go home. “Dinner was just amazing,” She declares as she heads for the door. He follows behind her, glancing at the chicken wings still there, uneaten.
“I just love doing this with you,” Tracey says.
Now imagine that Dan and Tracey do this, every week faithfully, for ten years.
How do you think Dan will feel about eating at restaurants?
For many women, that is exactly what sex is like, year after year.
Another commenter shared this analogy:
Imagine that, for your wife, what she really loved was, for lack of a better word, humping your leg. She wraps her legs around your leg, and rubs herself against you until she climaxes, and then she’s done. And she rolls over and announces that that was amazing, and how much she loves you.
How would you feel about sex if that was all that you got out of it?
When we look at those illustrations, it seems obvious that something is wrong.
And yet, why don’t we notice that something is wrong in real life when it is women living this out, year in and year out, in the bedroom? We can see the problem when we’re talking about couples going to restaurants. We can see it when we’re talking about one-sided sex in her direction.
But we don’t see it when we’re talking about sex where only he orgasms.
It’s largely because we believe that women’s orgasm is secondary to sex, and that if women don’t orgasm, it’s because they’re broken.
What would happen if, instead of accepting a woman not orgasming as normal, we instead, as Christians, considered women’s orgasm a vital part of sex?
What would happen if, when we got married, we focused first and foremost on helping her feel comfortable, feel arousal, and reach orgasm, rather than simply having intercourse? What would happen if we prioritized her pleasure instead of his?
Okay, quick check-in: Did you get uncomfortable reading that last paragraph? Did you feel, “well, if we prioritize her over him, then we’re just being unfair in the other direction!” Or perhaps you thought, “Well then he might never get sex, because what if the problem is with her? He’s not supposed to live in a sexless marriage just because she has issues!” Or maybe you thought, “we can’t just say you don’t get to have intercourse just because she doesn’t feel aroused!”
We’re actually quite quick, as a whole, to talk ourselves out of why a woman’s orgasm should matter as much as a man’s.
We can easily picture a marriage where she doesn’t orgasm as still being a healthy one, but we can’t picture one where he doesn’t get to orgasm as being healthy.
And that, my friends, is part of the problem.
Or maybe I should say it’s the main problem.
You may also enjoy:
There Should Be Fireworks: Why Women’s Sexual Pleasure Matters
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When we think of her orgasm as secondary, then when she takes a long time reaching orgasm, she’s going to feel self-conscious, like she’s imposing. When she needs something more to orgasm beyond what he needs, she’s going to feel broken. Because his orgasm is the standard, his orgasm is the one that is emphasized, then when it isn’t happening for her, she tends to internalize the problem and blame herself for it.
And that makes reaching orgasm even more difficult.
If, instead, we believed that sex wasn’t really sex until they were both enjoying it, then maybe things would be different.
If she wasn’t enjoying it, it wouldn’t be her problem; it would be THEIR challenge to work through together.
To throw an even bigger wrench in things, women are told that they should enjoy sex, even if they don’t orgasm, because of how great it is for their husbands.
And there is something to that. In our focus groups for The Great Sex Rescue, we talked to many women who didn’t reach orgasm but who still craved sex because they felt close to their husbands during sex. That’s wonderful. Many women who didn’t orgasm still said, in our survey, that they enjoyed sex.
But I wonder how much of this is women internalizing the message that their pleasure isn’t important?
To return to our dinner saga, imagine if the husband were told, “You can’t feel badly about not getting your dinner; you should take pleasure in how much she enjoyed it and in the closeness you felt from the conversation you shared.”
We read that attitude in emails all the time. One man wrote that his wife doesn’t want sex anymore, and now she won’t even give him manual stimulation, even though it felt so great for him. “Why can’t she just be happy about how happy she’s making me?”
Perhaps we need to keep that dinner saga in our minds, and ask something different. Maybe the goal should not be both people being happy because they got to sit at the table. Maybe it should really be that both are dedicated themselves to making sure it’s good for BOTH of them?
And the way that God made our bodies, that means that women need to be a little bit selfish.
If we’re going to orgasm, we actually can’t be thinking, “well, at least I get to make him feel good.” We have to let ourselves take. And men? They need to let themselves give. No matter what happens, they’re going to have an orgasm (in the vast, vast majority of cases). So the emphasis should be on figuring out how to give to her.
I know that this is difficult for many women, and many wives already feel as if they’re failures, and they’re imposing on their husbands too much by trying to get their husbands to make them feel good. I know many couples feel a little bit (or a lot) hopeless.
But it is not hopeless! She is not broken.
Orgasm is very, very possible, and even very likely, if we can learn to accept the idea that her orgasm matters. It’s not an afterthought. It’s not inconvenient, even if it takes a long time. It’s not an extra. She’s not being selfish if she wants the things that lead to her orgasm. It’s the main event, and God made her to be able to revel in pleasure, and enjoy a long build up, and have great fun. So let’s stop thinking of sex as something that he automatically gets to enjoy, while she MIGHT enjoy it, and instead see it as something which you BOTH should enjoy, together.
I’m not trying to put more pressure on women who are already struggling. I know how hard that can be. But I also know that the breakthrough often comes when we start believing the right things about how we were created to be sexual. And when we discount the importance of our own orgasm, or think that our sexual response is wrong or “less than”, we damage ourselves. That’s what we’re trying to undo in The Orgasm Course, and I hope it will really help you!
Want to Experience that Orgasm Breakthrough?
Sign up to my email list so you don't miss the launch of The Orgasm Course--and the specials that will be on during Launch Week!
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So here’s what I want to ask today: Why is it that we recognize that the dinner saga is wrong, but we don’t recognize that her not having an orgasm for 10 years is wrong? Why do we have a difficult time advocating for her orgasm? Let’s talk in the comments!
The Orgasm Series:
You Are Not Broken if Orgasm is Elusive
The Orgasm Podcast
5 Things that Make it More Likely that She Will Reach Orgasm
What Sex is Like for Women Who Don't Orgasm (October 13)
How Do I Not Feel Self-Conscious about what it Takes to Reach Orgasm? (October 14)
Figuring out What's Holding You Back from Orgasm (October 19)
What if My Husband Feels Self-Conscious about Talking about Sex? (October 20)
The Orgasm Course Launch (October 26--we hope!)
Start Your Engines Podcast: When your wife has difficulty with orgasm (October 29)
And don't forget to check out:
31 Days to Great Sex
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
And sign up to be notified when The Orgasm Course launches!
Sheila Wray Gregoire
Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8
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The ORGASM SERIES: 5 Things That Make Her Orgasm More Likely
Can research point us to what makes women more orgasmic–and what makes orgasm less likely?
Rebecca here on the blog today! My mother, my sister and I are going full tilt creating The Orgasm Course (now there’s a sentence I never thought I’d have to type), and as I shared on the podcast last week, I wanted to make sure that we weren’t just writing some awkward course based on personal experience.
That’s icky on so many levels. Especially since we all work together.
So I wanted to keep it in the realm of research, and I’ve been looking at journal articles, at news pieces, and even at lifestyle blogs to see what research is saying, and incorporating all of that into our videos and our workbooks for The Orgasm Course (make sure you’re signed up to the email list so you don’t miss the launch special on October 26!).
Want to Experience that Orgasm Breakthrough?
Sign up to my email list so you don't miss the launch of The Orgasm Course--and the specials that will be on during Launch Week!
Sign me up!
And I thought I’d share some of what we learned about what makes her orgasm today!
I’ve found a ton of articles through my research for this course, but I’m mainly going to focus on one study that included over 52,000 people total (including 24,000 heterosexual women) that looked at differences in orgasm frequency and deciphered the determinants of orgasm for men versus women.
Here are some interesting takeaways from the research:
1. Women need a LOT more than vaginal intercourse to reach orgasm.
Look at some of these contrasts: Only 35% of women who report ONLY having vaginal intercourse during their last sexual encounter were in the “usually-always orgasm” group. On the other hand, 77% of women who received oral sex, passionately kissed their partner, had genital stimulation, as well as vaginal intercourse were in the “usually-always orgasm” group! But here’s the bigger one: for that oral sex/clitoral stimulation/kissing/intercourse sexual encounter group, only 7% of women rarely to never orgasm. But when we look at solely vaginal-intercourse-sex, that number jumps to 44%.
If you want to feel pleasure, do a lot more than intercourse!
2. Oral sex is really, really helpful to bring women to orgasm
This study found that women who orgasm more frequently received more oral sex. Now, could it be that women who orgasm more frequently are simply more comfortable with their sexuality, and so more likely to have more oral sex? Sure, that could be it. But oral sex also allows a woman to be selfish in bed and make her pleasure the priority. If a husband wants his wife to orgasm, making sex completely about her for at least part of it can be a very good, research-backed idea.
And it’s in line with our post The Theology of the Clitoris, too!
3. Romance is an aphrodisiac that leads to orgasm
Next up in the “no duh” category, feeling loved, desired, and romanced helps a LOT when it comes to awakening women’s sexual response. Deep, passionate kissing was strongly correlated with female orgasm, as was positive feelings about the relationship, flirty emails, and expressions of love during sex.
Sex can become another “to-do” for many women, especially if it’s been difficult to feel pleasure in the past. Take a minute, and actually think about how you talk about sex in your marriage–is sex still “sexy”? Or is it more of a scheduled appointment? Do you compliment your spouse in bed? Do you whisper about racy memories together when you’re lying in bed at night, or do you roll over and scroll through Twitter on your phone?
Kiss your spouse. Kiss with passion. It’s important!
4. Women: speak up in bed if you want to reach orgasm
One of the biggest differentiation points found between women who usually-always orgasmed and women who never-rarely orgasmed was if they spoke up about what they wanted in bed. Did they give instructions, say when things didn’t feel good, or communicated when things were working? If yes, they were much more likely to be in the “orgasm” group.
But still, women often have a hard time making their pleasure a priority in bed. Despite the fact that men are almost guaranteed an orgasm during sex, we women can feel really guilty or selfish if we work at our own orgasm. But women, please hear: your orgasm is important, too! And your husband WANTS you to feel pleasure–and if he doesn’t, frankly, that’s not going to be fixed by you putting up with terrible sex.
So men, encourage your wife to speak up. And part of encouraging her is recognizing that sometimes, she may tell you that what you’re doing isn’t pleasuring her. Please don’t take that personally when she does–it’s a chance for you to become an even better lover for your wife, and it’s important you give her the freedom to find her voice when it comes to sex!
5. Men don’t always understand what brings a woman pleasure–or makes her orgasm
Now, men got a lot of things totally right, but here are some funny differences I noticed looking at the numbers, especially concerning oral sex:
Men underestimate how important receiving oral sex is for women’s orgasm. In fact, when contrasting women’s self-report data with what men say about their partners’ experience, we find that men estimated oral sex had approximately a third of the predictive strength than it actually does. (When you ask women, you get a β value of 0.19, when you ask men, you get a β value of 0.07).
Men overestimate how hot women think giving oral sex is. Women’s self-report data didn’t find that giving oral sex made it more or less likely that a woman would orgasm. But men thought it made it much more likely. In fact, men reported that a woman GIVING oral sex was almost three times more predictive of her orgasm than her RECEIVING oral sex (β value of 0.20 and 0.07, respectively).
It’s an important reminder that what’s really hot for one partner may not be working for the other! Our experiences are different, and that does not mean they are wrong or broken–and it definitely doesn’t mean you shouldn’t include fellatio in your sex life! But it does mean that we need to be open with communication so that you truly know what makes your partner tick instead of just assuming that what makes you feel good makes them feel good.
We discuss all of this and so much more in the men’s add-on to our new Orgasm Course coming out this month. We go into not just what the research says, but how to learn what your spouse likes. Obviously research gives us a good place to start. But that’s all it is–a starting point! We want to give you the tools you need to learn how to be intimately “known” by and to intimately “know” your spouse–and that means figuring out how to make them feel really, really good.
What if you just don’t like oral sex–either giving or receiving?
That’s totally okay! For many women, this can be quite triggering, or can be associated with something bad. If that’s you, it’s okay to say you’d rather find other ways of feeling good. There is no one-size-fits-all, and we’ll go into lots of detail about how to find out what makes you feel comfortable, and what makes you feel good!
The Orgasm Series:
You Are Not Broken if Orgasm is Elusive
The Orgasm Podcast
5 Things that Make it More Likely that She Will Reach Orgasm
What Sex is Like for Women Who Don't Orgasm (October 13)
How Do I Not Feel Self-Conscious about what it Takes to Reach Orgasm? (October 14)
Figuring out What's Holding You Back from Orgasm (October 19)
What if My Husband Feels Self-Conscious about Talking about Sex? (October 20)
The Orgasm Course Launch (October 26--we hope!)
Start Your Engines Podcast: When your wife has difficulty with orgasm (October 29)
And don't forget to check out:
31 Days to Great Sex
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
And sign up to be notified when The Orgasm Course launches!
So there you go–5 things to know about what makes orgasm more likely for women.
The good news, I think, is that those things are all quite doable. It’s not about calisthenics, or trying really weird stuff in bed. It’s mostly about a good relationship, about communication, and about reciprocity and recognizing that her sexual response needs something different than his does.
And when you focus on what you each need, rather than seeing her needs as a bother, you can both have a lot of fun!
What do you think? Do any of those things contributing to orgasm–or making orgasm more difficult–resonate with you? Let’s talk in the comments!
Rebecca Lindenbach
Blog Contributor, Author, and Podcaster
Rebecca Lindenbach is a psychology graduate, Sheila’s daughter and the author of Why I Didn’t Rebel. Working alongside her husband Connor, she develops websites focusing on building Jesus-centered marriages and families. Living the work-from-home dream, they take turns bouncing their new baby boy, and appeasing their curmudgeonly rescue Yorkshire terrier, Winston. ENTJ, 9w8. Check out Why I Didn't Rebel, or follow her on Instagram!
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October 9, 2020
6 Ways to Make Sure Internet Habits Don’t Wreck Your Marriage
Do you have an internet addiction? Do you spend so much time on devices that your marriage is suffering?
And thanks to our blog’s sponsor Intimately Us for helping support this blog!
I received this question from a male reader a little while ago:
I love your blog an have been a follower for a couple years. Even have your books!!(Awwww, I love readers like that!)
Anyway, I have a problem. My wife is addicted to the internet! It hurts my feelings every night when instead of putting her head on my pillow and giving us a chance to reflect, pray, plan, etc., she plugs her phone in, turns on her side with her back to me (because “the cord is so short”) and plays a game or gets on Facebook or Pinterest. Most nights I fall asleep without a “good night” or a little kiss or even holding her hand. It really makes me feel neglected and not important.
I know she is tired and has taken care of our kids all day but I work hard all day, too. When I bring it up, she is defensive and it might change for a few days, but then right back. Now the kids are even saying they can’t get her to do anything with them because she is always checking email or pinning something.
Could your spouse have said that you have an internet addiction?
I’ve talked a lot on this blog about the addictions that our husbands can have–to video games, to porn (although women can also be porn users!).
But we all can get far too embroiled in the internet. If you are routinely turning to the internet to pass the time, instead of to your spouse, you have a problem.
I really struggle with this because my job is completely tied in to the internet. Pretty much everything I do is online. I’m not actually using the internet to relax. I just always feel like I have to check comments or check my stats or something, and it’s silly. The internet will always be there, yet my family won’t.
Today’s parents are growing up in a whole new world. When I used to take my kids on outings when they were small, we would talk. In fact, we would talk so much that they often let me have some free time at home. We’d have these special bonding times on outings, when they had my full attention, and it meant that at home they’d play more quietly and I’d feel more at peace.
But so often today I see parents with strollers walking their kids while texting. The babies and toddlers aren’t getting their attention!
Rebecca’s made it a point that when she takes Alex out, the phone stays away. And Rebecca and Connor have decided that they won’t be on screens when their son is in the room–which I think is brilliant.
Maybe we need to take similar attitudes with our marriages. Too often couples go out for dinner and they get on their own phones (back in the days when we could go to restaurants!). And often this is primarily one person’s fault. When my husband turns to his phone, I turn to mine, and vice versa. If one of us didn’t start, the other wouldn’t follow. We’re losing out on real, face-to-face communication, when people know that we’re sharing hearts.
So here are some thoughts on cutting down technology use. It’s not about eliminating the internet entirely. The internet is my go-to place for recipes, printables, ideas, even phone numbers! It’s how I keep in touch with friends. I want to be plugged in. I just don’t want it to take over my life.
1. Set Technology Free Times
Make sure that everyday, both with your kids and with your spouse, you have technology free times. Maybe it’s the two hours after dinner when you do something as a family, like play board games. Maybe you take a walk. But turn those devices off–or at least turn notifications off and set them to silent.
This is especially important for kids, too. As much as we may suffer from internet addiction, they’re prone to it even more because they’re growing up with it. Teach them to limit it, and to turn to other things, like books, or they could end up having difficulty connecting with others in real life in the future.
(If you say “no devices after 7 pm”, kids are way more likely to read books again! And so are you, by the way).
2. Limit Technology in Your Bedroom–it Feeds an Internet Addiction
This man was saying that at night, when he wanted to cuddle and pray, his wife would be on her phone. I’ve been convicted recently that I need to stop bringing my computer into the bedroom. When my husband’s on call and not home at night, I often do work in bed at night to pass the time. But then that habit continues when he is home. So now I tell myself: I can work in the kitchen and the study, but never in the bedroom, even if Keith’s not home. The computer is not for the bedroom. The bedroom needs to be inviting for us as a couple!
Another tip that has worked for many people is to turn the wifi off at a certain time every night: say 10:00 or 10:30. This helps teens get to bed earlier, and it helps reduce temptation teens may feel towards pornography, too.
If you get one of those central charging docks for all your devices, like phones and tablets and iPads, then you can all, as a family, put them to rest at night in the living room or kitchen and leave them there. That can even be a family rule! Yes, the kids will complain. Yes, it may be hard for you. But you need your sleep, and using technology before bed hurts the quality of your sleep, and the quality of your marriage.
3. Go to Bed at the Same Time
It’s so easy to get carried away with social media or work or games and suddenly hours have gone by. Instead, consider that time right before you go to sleep as sacred space, when you’re going to connect with your husband, read, pray, even make love! So set a bedtime and stick to it. Then the technology won’t own you–you’ll own the technology.
4. Replace Your Internet Use With Something Else
Do you get antsy if you haven’t checked Facebook in a while? Do your fingers twitch if you haven’t instagrammed something or texted someone? It’s hard to quit something cold turkey, and I’m not saying you should.
When we eat badly, we don’t say that the solution is to never eat. We say that the solution is to find ways to eat the right amount of the right stuff. We just change our eating patterns, and that’s what we have to do with technology, too. It’s not a matter of going completely without, as much as it is about figuring out how to incorporate technology in a healthy way into your life.
And I find that’s easiest if we take a positive spin on it. Instead of saying, “I have to quit the internet!”, we say, “I want to knit more,” or “I want to walk with my husband more,” or “I want to take up a new sport with my hubby.” It’s harder to surf the internet if you’re actively engaged in something–a hobby, a sport, even a volunteer activity. Or start playing two player board games together at night!
So talk to your husband about what you could do instead of technology that will feed your soul, because you don’t want the internet taking over everything!
5. Apologize for Your Internet Use
If you’ve suffered from internet addiction, and you’ve hurt your spouse and kids, you need to get real with them. Apologize. Admit where you’ve been wrong. Ask for help. Tell them that they’re allowed to hold you accountable. Say to the kids, “I want to stay off of my phone and computer from 7-9 every night, and if you see me checking my phone, you have permission to call me on it.”
And give your husband a heart-felt apology, too. The man who wrote this letter feels so neglected and so sad. No guy deserves that. If you’ve hurt your man, don’t tell him, “I’m sorry, it’s just that I’m so stressed with the kids that I needed to unwind.” Just say, “I’m sorry I hurt you and neglected you.” No excuses. No explanations. You were wrong, and admit it. And then tell him you want to move forward, and build a much more intimate marriage–one that is better for both of you!
And here’s a big one: I think we need to get real with God. Think about what we pray when we say the Lord’s prayer: Thy kingdom come, thy will be done.
That doesn’t just mean, “God, I’m going to sit back and wait for your to do Your will.” That means that we need to be active participants, allowing God to use us to bring His kingdom to earth. And how can He use us if we’re wasting so much time?
When technology has such a hold on us that we start neglecting the things that God wants to do in our lives, and neglecting the people around us, that’s a problem. And we need to own up to God about it.
There’s another benefit to this: addictions are very hard to break. You can’t do it in your own strength. But God can help you fill that compulsion with something else. And the way that He starts working is when you are humble before Him and admit, “I messed up.” So confess before God, and ask Him to give you His strength to put first things first, and to help do His will. That way you’ll be operating in His strength, and not just your own!
6. Use the Internet to Grow Your Marriage, not Shrink it
Finally, a super fun one!
The internet itself is not bad; it’s a tool, just like anything else, that can be used either for something bad or for something good. If your devices have been pulling you away from each other, then why not use them to pull you together again?
Take ballroom dancing lessons online! Listen to some audiobooks or some amazing sermons and then talk about them.
Or let’s turn up the heat!
Last week I talked about the amazing app Intimately Us, a fun and sexy app with lots of games to spice up your marriage, help you discover what you each like, and help you have more fun! And what I love about it especially are all of the actiivities that prompt you to talk more about what you like–and what you don’t like. You’re able to open up about things you want to try, or things that do feel good and you want to do more of. The Sexplorations page comes with a bunch of questions you can run through, and have productive conversations, so that maybe he’ll realize that you don’t find groping a turn on, for instance!
Head to bed together at the same time, and then talk through three of the Sexploration questions. They come in multiple categories, and then for each question you can say yes, no, or maybe–and even leave a note to explain! It’s a great conversation starter to help you understand each other better.
And then take a moment to play a game, like “Talk Me Into It!”
Let your devices be something that bring you together, not put a wedge between you.
Intimately Us--the fun and sexy marriage app that helps you play more and explore more, while discovering more about the person you love!
Check it out!
Technology should bring us together. But too often internet addictions push us apart.
It’s easy to turn to devices when you’re bored, or out of habit. But that’s no way to live our lives. If relationships matter to you, then make sure the way you handle technology honors your relationships!
Do you spend too much time on devices? Has this been a problem in your family? How have you handled it? Let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire
Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8
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October 8, 2020
The “You’re Not Broken” Orgasm Podcast
Please hear me: If you have trouble reaching orgasm, you’re not broken!
On today’s podcast I’m being pretty darn passionate about this–you are not broken if orgasm is difficult.
Do not give up hope! I talked about this on Monday, but I wanted to elaborate today and share my heart on this, and then talk about some of the cool research we’ve found as we’ve been creating The Orgasm Course (launching October 26! Be sure you’re signed up to the email list so you get the launch special!).
LIsten in!
Browse all the Different Podcasts
See the Last “Start Your Engines” (Men’s) Podcast
I didn’t do a YouTube version this week because Katie, who edits the video, is busy editing all our videos for The Orgasm Course. So we wanted to keep it simple!
(And remember–you can subscribe to the audio on iTunes, Stitcher, Google Play, or wherever you listen to podcasts!).
In today’s podcast:
I went over WHY orgasm can be difficult for women, and why that may actually mean that your body and brain are working just the way they’re supposed to
I talked about how it can feel to a woman if sex is always about him, for years on end, and she never experiences pleasure (and why we should care about women’s orgasms!).
Rebecca joined me to discuss some of the things she learned that contributed to women’s orgasm rates.
We discussed a number of things, including how differently secular men’s websites talk about women’s orgasms and Christian resources talk about women’s orgasms. In secular resources, men are told: “Real men care about their partners experiencing pleasure. Only boys care about getting pleasure without giving.” They’re told that they need to man up and make her feel good. They’re told that it’s pathetic to not try to make her feel pleasure.
Yet in Christian resources, that isn’t the emphasis. Instead, women are told that they have to encourage men that they are good lovers–whether or not they are actually enjoying themselves. In Christian resources, men’s egos often matter more than women’s pleasure. This is really a problem.
Then we discussed two of the interesting things that increased women’s orgasm rates:
Kissing during sex
Being able to tell your husband what feels good (and what doesn’t) and stop him when something isn’t feeling good
We think this is because intimacy matters, but also, again, that unless we can communicate, sex won’t feel good. But when women are told that their job is to make him feel really good about sex, then how are women supposed to feel free to speak up? We really need to change our messages around sex, because women’s experience does matter. And there are ways that you can speak up without him feeling terrible!
Then Connor and Rebecca talked about the difference between “our sexual needs” and “her needs” and “his needs”.
In marriage, we’re one flesh. That means that one person’s needs are really the marriage’s needs. We’re a unit now!
Going shopping?
Use my link to support this blog!
Timeline for the Podcast:
0:30 Our ‘How to Have an Orgasm Course’ is coming soon!
1:12 Do you sometimes feel like you’re broken?
3:45 Why I Speak About Sex
6:30 Unpackaging Women’s Sexuality
12:05 Acknowledging how Body/Relationship/Identity/Trauma issues affect our sex lives
14:30 Your Brain and Body are trying to PROTECT you!
19:10 An analogy to help men understand what the ‘one-sided’ sex experience is like for women
22:50 Rebecca shares some entertaining research on orgasms!
33:55 Rebecca and Connor talk: “Do People have Sexual Needs, or do Relationships have Sexual Needs?”
Things Mentioned in this Podcast:
Our orgasm series: You’re not broken if you can’t reach orgasm
Our upcoming Orgasm Course (sign up to the newsletter so you don’t miss the launch special!)
The Body Keeps the Score and Sexual Trauma
The Orgasm Series:
You Are Not Broken if Orgasm is Elusive
The Orgasm Podcast
When You're Frustrated that Orgasm is Hard for You--and Easy for Him (October 12)
How Do I Not Feel Self-Conscious about what it Takes to Reach Orgasm? (October 13)
Figuring out What's Holding You Back from Orgasm (October 19)
What if My Husband Feels Self-Conscious about Talking about Sex? (October 20)
The Orgasm Course Launch (October 26--we hope!)
Start Your Engines Podcast: When your wife has difficulty with orgasm (October 29)
And don't forget to check out:
31 Days to Great Sex
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
And sign up to be notified when The Orgasm Course launches!
Sheila Wray Gregoire
Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8
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October 7, 2020
Stop Worrying About Stuff You Can’t Change
We’re in election season. We’re in the middle of COVID. It’s easy to feel depressed about the state of the world.
I’ve been trying to cocoon, not pay attention to the news, not think about much of anything at all.
I made the terrible mistake of putting up a political tweet last week before the debate (albeit one that didn’t take sides; more like a “pox on both your houses” thing), and the furor that erupted was immense.
I shall steer clear from now on.
But it reminded me of something I’ve written about before, and that I return to often myself when the news gets bleak and I become too preoccupied with it.
Sometimes we need to stop worrying about the things we can’t change and throw ourselves into the things we can.
I realized a long time ago that I am far more effective at changing the world when I stop obsessing over things I cannot change, and start paying attention to things within my sphere of influence.
I used to obsess over politics, and get so upset (and even feel so righteous, because I was obviously right!), but there was just one problem. I wasn’t actually changing anything. I could see what needed changing, but I was putting all sorts of emotional energy into worrying about something that I couldn’t actually do much about.
Sure, you have a vote. And it could be that you can even influence a few people around you to vote the way you want them to vote. And I’m not saying that you shouldn’t do that–by all means, talk to your friends or family (politely and reasonably) if you feel you should.
But I do believe that the amount of emotional energy and mental space that we devote to something should be in direct proportion to how much influence we can exert.
After spending way too much time worrying about politics (even the politics of a country not my own), I realized something. Often we are trying to find political solutions to things that don’t actually have political solutions.
Yes, the world is a mess. But the answer is often not a new policy (which doesn’t mean that some policies can’t be better than others). It’s just that to truly fix something, we need to heal people’s hurts and put families back together. We need to learn how to be a community again. We need people to be good to each other, good to their families, good to their communities.
Reading the news constantly reinforced my political views and made me sure I was right (which is a very heady and great feeling), but it didn’t do anything about the essential problem–that people weren’t acting well towards each other or their families. That’s really the heart of what is wrong with our society–it’s our own relationships.
And so after one election I quit cold turkey. I decided no more blogs, no more news, I would just write this blog. By writing this blog I might be able to actually help a family or two.
I decided to put my energy into the places where I might actually have influence.
My mother shared with me this concept about influence, and I thought it was brilliant. I’m going to adapt it slightly here, but essentially we live in a world that can be divided up into three circles: the things you can control; the things you can influence; and the things that you cannot influence or control.
Things I Can Control
Basically, this circle is very small. It contains only one person: yourself. You can control what you do, how you react, how you spend your time, etc.
Things I Can Influence
You can influence those closest to you: your family, your friends, your coworkers. And you have more influence the closer someone is to you. You can influence the causes you believe in by volunteering and giving money. You can make a difference in your community. Basically, the more you can personally get involved in the change, the more influence you will have.
Things I Can’t Influence or Control
You can’t change the weather, the economy, what your boss decides to do with your company, what ISIS terrorists do–or even, really, who wins the election in November.
Most things are out of our control, and God does not ask us to spend time in areas that are out of our control. He asks us to do what we can–in the areas we can control.
But where do we spend most of our emotional energy? Worrying about things that we can’t control or influence.
Yet here’s something interesting: the more time we spend in the circles we can control and influence, the more influence we will have because our sphere of influence grows. We’re actually more effective. And there’s a side benefit: people who spend most of their emotional energy in these two circles tend to be more joyful and peaceful. They aren’t worrying about things they can do nothing about; they’re pouring their energy into things they can influence, and often they’re seeing real changes.
Let me give you three examples of how this plays out.
When something’s bothering you about someone else, change how you react
In marriage, we often spend most of the time wondering how we can get our husbands to change: how to make them more romantic; how to get them to spend more time with the family; how to get them to want to talk to us. But you can’t change him. If you spend more time in the circle you can control, though–yourself–you will likely see your marriage changing. You can change how you react to him. You can find ways to insert joy into your life. You can change how you react to the kids and change the tone of the house. And as you do that, you’ll find your marriage, and your attitude about marriage, improving.
For more help on this, see my Iron sharpens Iron series!
Learn to live in the present and enjoy those you love, rather than worry about the future
Here’s another one: when I was pregnant with my second child, we found out that he had a serious heart defect that would likely end his life early. I spent a lot of time in that outer circle, worrying about him and fretting and crying. But I couldn’t do anything about his heart defect. When I decided to spend time in the circle I could control–my own reactions–I started looking for little things to be grateful for everyday. I started learning to savour every moment I had with him. And when Christopher did pass away, I was much more peaceful about it because I had leaned on God rather than given over to worry.
Invest in those over whom you have the most influence
The first two points really talk about how not to live outside of your sphere of influence. But there’s another side to it: deliberately nurture your sphere of influence.
For me, that was a large part of the reason why I stayed home with my children. I realized that there were no two people on earth over whom I could have a greater influence, and I wanted to throw myself into them. And honestly? That’s still the thing I’m most proud of in my life. I just loved those years that I was home with them, and those years that we homeschooled.
I know not everyone is able to stay at home, and I know that some are called to something else. I also know that I was very blessed to have had that opportunity.
But we had such great conversations, and I taught them how to be the kinds of people who would change the world.
When we spend time with our kids and their friends, we can change this little bit of our culture, and that can ultimately have an effect on the wider society. When we choose to act in our circle of influence, we can end up changing, albeit in a small way, the culture that so upsets us.
Think about it: If you foster a child, you will end up having more of an effect on that child than who wins this election. If you reach out and help a single mom escaping an abusive relationship, and help her get established in a new home, and help her write a resume, and use your contacts to help her get a job, and babysit for her sometimes so she has some time off, you will end up changing her life far more than whoever the next president is.
When you spend time in your sphere of influence, your sphere of influence tends to get bigger.
And that means that you can invest in yourself, too! When my kids were little, I started writing because I wanted something to do when they napped. That’s turned into this blog, books, and speaking tours (at least pre-COVID!). Many of the young women (and young men! Hi, Connor!) who work for me do so from home, and they’ve been taking courses and learning new skills and they’re having a ton of fun.
And that’s what’s so neat. You don’t have to stop learning and dreaming now, because the internet has opened up the world to us! I’m a HUGE proponent of online education (my girls took their first year of university online, from home), and I think that’s awesome for moms and dads, too.
Yes, the news is difficult and depressing these days. But I still feel like we live in amazing times.
We can learn from home, work from home, use the internet to have an influence. And no matter what we do, we can still choose to love those around us.
So if you want to have influence, don’t just worry and fret and complain. Actually do something in your circle of influence. Invest in yourself, and those around you. That’s the way we change our marriages, our communities, and the world–and that’s the way we find true joy, true purpose, and true effectiveness in this life.
And THAT’S how you can stay sane in this election, COVID cycle.
What do you think? How do you make yourself focus on your sphere of influence, and not fret about the rest? Let’s talk in the comments!
(and please–no politics. Let’s not talk Trump or Biden. Let’s just stick to the idea of growing our influence in the world for Jesus).
Sheila Wray Gregoire
Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8
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October 6, 2020
On Chrissy Teigen, Ravi Zacharias, and Staying Sane
Last week Instagram went crazy because model Chrissy Teigen posted a heartbreaking picture after her miscarriage.
While there was an outpouring of support, there was also a ton of criticism. She has no right to be sad because of her political views. She shouldn’t be taking pictures like that.
I chimed in to support her.
As someone who has returned from the hospital without a baby, can I ask us to be kind to Chrissy Teigen? She needed others to know that Jack existed & mattered.Criticize her, and other moms with empty arms will feel it. Jack lived. He mattered. My Christopher mattered.— SheilaGregoire (@sheilagregoire) October 1, 2020
A number of things have been on my mind lately, and I’d like to take today and just lay them all out here. It’s been a while since I did more of a “stream of consciousness” post of the things that I’m thinking, but here goes!
We’ve become so calloused and hardened that EVERYTHING has to be about scoring political points.
A baby’s death should not be about scoring political points. Everybody needs to get a grip. We’re forgetting that those who may disagree with us are people, too. And if our aim is to spread the gospel, well, how do you think beating up on grieving parents is going to do that? Seriously. Sheesh.
But also–I understand why she took that photo.
Every year, on my son Christopher’s birthday and the anniversary of his death, I write something about him, like these posts:
Why I’m Okay 20 years after my son died
What to put in a care package for grieving parents
I post pictures of him on Instagram and Facebook.
View this post on InstagramA post shared by Sheila Gregoire (@sheilagregoire) on Aug 6, 2020 at 11:21am PDT
Some people think I do that because I want the sympathy. But that’s not it.
It’s because if I don’t do that, it’s as if he never existed.
People who meet our family would never know that there’s a child who isn’t there–a child who came between my two girls. When Rebecca and Katie were growing up, and they had friends over, those friends were often really surprised to see a picture of another baby on a bookshelf. They never knew.
And how would you? We don’t go talking about this in normal daily life.
But Christopher existed. He mattered. And Chrissy Teigen’s and John Legend’s son Jack existed. And he mattered.
And taking that picture in the hospital room was, I think, her way of putting up a memorial, of saying, “he lived.” If others didn’t know, then it’s like he never existed. And there’s no pain worse than that–to realize that life is going on and all of those around you don’t even realize how much you’re hurting because to them–the baby was never even there.
At least we have a grave to go to, but many parents who go through early miscarriages don’t even have that.
Rebecca, Connor, Alex and Keith and Me at Christopher’s grave this year
In many hospitals, volunteer photographers will come in and take pictures of parents with stillborn children, just so they have something to remember them by. When Christopher died, they cut off a lock of his hair for us, and took little handprints and footprints. Those things matter.
So I hope that in all the outcry, we can find a little humanity for this grieving couple, and for all grieving parents who have lost children. We all need to remember in some tangible way. We all need to reassure ourselves that, yes, they existed. They mattered.
And I’m so glad that I will one day see my son again.
But grief is never a time to score political points, okay?
In some ways, I feel like I’ve been grieving for my faith for several years now.
The sexual abuse scandals in the evangelical church lately, and what we have learned about harmful evangelical teaching about sex in the last few years, has made me very, very sad. I have had to say good-bye to a lot of the trappings of the faith that I grew up with.
It’s been hard. But it’s also pushed me back into the arms of Jesus, as I rediscover the gospels, and rediscover what it means to have church in community, rather than trying to just win culture wars.
Last week, even more revelations broke about Ravi Zacharias and sexual abuse, with many corroborating witnesses. Stories in Christianity Today, World Magazine, and on Julie Roys’ blog suggest that he was not the man he portrayed himself to be. His organization and his denomination say that they are now launching an investigation, but I think we know where that will end up.
The endless string of evangelical big name leaders who have fallen and proven themselves to be scoundrels or unfit to lead just keeps getting bigger and bigger: James MacDonald; Bill Hybels; Mark Driscoll; Jerry Falwell Jr.; Paige Patterson; Bill Gothard; Doug Phillips; Josh Duggar; and now Ravi Zacharias. The list keeps getting longer.
I have to admit that this one threw me more than the others. Most who have fallen have been so authoritarian and judgmental that I was just waiting for the shoe to drop. I actually enjoyed listening to Ravi Zacharias, so this one was tough for me.
I think the problem is with evangelical celebrity culture. Why are we so intoxicated by big conferences, by megachurches, by everything flashy? Why do we want a big production and show, and want a big name to look up to? This doesn’t resemble the early church, which excelled in living in community and giving to one another.
When we put people up on pedestals, we give them so much power with little accountability–well, is it any wonder things like this happen?
(And I just finished reading Kristen Kobes Du Mez’ book Jesus and John Wayne which explains so many of the issues with evangelical culture, too!)
One of the ways that I’ve always tried to do my blog is to keep interacting with people. I don’t want to ever become inauthentic. I don’t even want to be part of the evangelical celebrity culture, which is hard, because I do have a big blog and I do have big books (with more coming out). But I want to be well known because of ideas, not because of me.
Rebecca said to me last week that her aim is that in 3 years, everyone knows our names because of our book The Great Sex Rescue, which will rock the evangelical world (it’s coming out in March 2021!). But then in 15 years, we hope no one knows our names, because we want to transition eventually into a different kind of blog/online community that lifts up voices with something important to say, not just me, and not just people who are already famous. I want to retire eventually by working myself out of a job. We need to get away from Christian celebrities, because the whole idea seems so antithetical to the gospel. Let’s instead just focus on Jesus and cutting through all the cultural noise.
I used to think that I’d love to be invited to speak at something like Women of Faith.
Now that idea makes me slightly nauseous. I’d rather just hang out here with you all, getting to know the people who comment, and not trying to be someone other than who I am.
I think COVID is pushing us away from “big” and back to community.
We can’t do big conferences. We can’t do big events. Megachurches can’t meet in the same way.
But smaller churches can (or maybe will be able to soon; I know it’s different in different jurisdictions). One of the problems with bigger churches is that people go and sit in the pews and don’t participate. You feel as if you’re living your Christian life because you’re attending church, but it’s easy to skate by. In smaller churches, you can get to know people and invest in them more easily and more naturally, and it seems like that may be more in line with Jesus than thousands of people listening to one person preach.
I know there are problems with both large churches and small churches; and both large churches and small churches can be toxic. But, once Ontario fully opens up, we’re looking forward to trying a small church in our neighbourhood, for the first time ever. We want to be able to walk to church; to go to church with our neighbours; to have it so that when we’re not there, people notice. I’m eager to see how that goes.
If you’ve been grieving as scandal after scandal has hit the evangelical church, please know that this doesn’t reflect on Jesus. And please, just let the confusion and the grief and the disillusionment push you back towards finding the real Jesus, because many of our churches have been missing Him. It’s okay to get upset. God doesn’t get mad at us for getting upset.
Let’s just keep it real. Keep community. Remember the humanity in others. And never, ever treat a cause, or an organization, or politics as more important than a person.
What do you think? Do you understand Chrissy Teigen wanting to take that picture? Have you become jaded by evangelical culture lately? How can we do better? Let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire
Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8
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October 5, 2020
THE ORGASM SERIES: You Are Not Broken if You Can’t Reach Orgasm
Over half of Christian women report that orgasm is, at best, a hit and miss thing. Many can’t reach orgasm at all.
This month, I want to dedicate my series to orgasm–understanding what it is; understanding why we have roadblocks; and culminating in the release of our Orgasm Course at the end of the month (with an add-on for husbands, too!)
In the survey we conducted of 20,000 Christian women last winter, we found that 48% of women usually or always reach orgasm. That leaves the rest going into a sexual encounter not knowing if this will be the time or not. And for 24%, orgasm never happens at all–or almost never happens.
That’s a lot of women. And I think they’re over-represented on this blog (since people who have an easier time with sex don’t read me as much!)
I was trying to figure out how to launch this orgasm series, and one phrase kept coming back to me:
You are not broken.
I think so many women need to hear that.
You are not broken.
Orgasm isn’t automatic for women, and just because you may find it difficult does not mean that your body is broken. It doesn’t mean that you can’t get there. It doesn’t mean that you aren’t sexual.
It just means that you have challenges. And I hope I can give you some hope this month.
Let’s start with the way that God made orgasm.
As I’ve talked about before, orgasm is the ultimate in letting go. God created orgasm so that at the height of passion, we would be feeling and experiencing more than just thinking. We don’t have to stay in control. We don’t have to have it all together. In fact, if we do try to stay in control or have it all together, orgasm will be elusive. Instead, we’re to surrender to the moment and let feeling carry us along. It’s really the ultimate in trust and vulnerability, because we can’t let ourselves be carried along unless we can let down all pretences, all guards, all fences.
To learn more about orgasm like this:
Why You Can’t Be a Control Freak in the Bedroom
How Sex is the Gift of Being in the Moment
The Theology of the Clitoris
Orgasm is about celebrating a safe, vulnerable relationship–an act that leads to us feeling truly “known”.
And being “known” is actually the Hebrew word that God uses to describe sex. It’s an intimate longing to be truly connected to one another (as I spoke about at length in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex).
God made sex to be AWESOME!
It’s supposed to be great physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Feel like something’s missing?
Check out The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex!
If our sexual response were automatic, then sex would no longer be about relationship or intimacy.
Think about that for a moment, because it does matter. If both men and women could reach orgasm automatically, with ease, with little effort, then orgasm would no longer be a deep “knowing”. It wouldn’t be about having to be vulnerable, about having to feel safe, about having to communicate what feels good (and what doesn’t). It would simply be about two bodies joining.
And then intimacy would be taken out of the equation.
God made sex to be a deep knowing, which means that women’s sexual response in particular is tied up in having to feel safe and having to be vulnerable (including how to communicate what feels good, which means letting down all pretence). I know it can be frustrating, because men’s sexual response does seem to be easier (and we’ll talk about the frustration many women feel about that next week), but I do believe that God’s design was that intimacy would be the fuel that propels women’s sexual response, rather than just the physicality of sex. He wants sex to be more than just physical. And so he asked us to keep sex within an intimate, committed relationship so that men could experience true intimacy as well (and, indeed, men often find merely physical sex leaves them missing something important, too).
Because sex is so vulnerable, and so intimate, then sexual response can be fragile
That which is closest to our identity and our emotions and our sense of self and who we are is the most vulnerable to issues, like:
Sexual shame: If you feel awkward talking about sex, like it’s somehow dirty, then it’s going to be harder to figure out what feels good
Body image issues: If you feel awkward or embarrassed about your body, it’s difficult to let go and allow yourself to enjoy your body
Relationship issues: If you’re feeling distant from your husband, it’s hard to let go and feel safe with him in bed
Identity issues: If you feel as if sex is something you owe your husband, rather than an important part of you, too, then embracing sex can be a challenge
Trauma issues: If sex has been distorted because of past trauma, it’s hard to relax and allow your body to see it as a positive thing now
And so, so many more.
It’s easy to look at that list and say, “See, Sheila! I have some of those issues, so I obviously AM broken!”
But what I want to tell you is this:
Having those issues doesn’t mean that you’re broken. Having those issues means that your brain and your body have been guarding yourself for very good reasons.
They’ve been acting exactly right based on what they’ve been taught to believe, or what they’ve been taught is safe.
The route forward is not only to figure out the sexual technique piece of orgasm (although that is important). But it’s more important to figure out what messages your brain and body have been acting out, and address those things.
And I want to reiterate this, because it’s so important: If your body hasn’t been able to reach orgasm, and the main reason is because you were taught the wrong things about sex, and you feel so shy that you don’t even know where to start, this doesn’t mean that you’re broken. This means that your body and brain are working exactly the way they’re supposed to based on what they were taught.
The same thing is true no matter what message or issue we’re dealing with.
Your body and brain, which determine your sexual response cycle, are acting in accordance to what they have been taught and what they have experienced.
It is not that your body and brain don’t work; they do!
It’s just that often the messages that we’ve been taught about sex, and often the dynamics of our relationship, make it so that sexual response is elusive.
The solution, then, is to change what we believe, and to change relationship dynamics.
You’re not broken. Your body and brain work just fine! We just need to change the messages, the dynamics, and sometimes even the stimulus.
And then your body and brain will start working TOWARDS orgasm, instead of protecting yourself FROM vulnerability, embracing your sexuality, and letting go of control (along with other things).
As you think about orgasm, keep these two things in mind:
If orgasm and sexual response were automatic, then sex would only be physical, and not about intimacy
The fact that orgasm is so dependent on how we feel and think about ourselves, our bodies, and our relationship means that, when orgasm is elusive, you’re not broken. You’ve simply got messages or dynamics that need to be dealt with so that intimacy and sexual confidence are easier to embrace.
If you have a hard time reaching orgasm, I know that can still be frustrating.
I really do get it. Believe me; I’ve been there.
But I want to assure you: Your clitoris is not broken. Your vagina is not broken. Your brain is not broken.
YOU are not broken.
And this month, I hope we can dismantle some of the beliefs that have made it difficult to be vulnerable or embrace sex, and put us on the road for better relationship dynamics.
I want this to be a hopeful month; a practical month. And so, as we start, please have hope! You can get there. You aren’t broken. Many have been where you are, and many have experienced breakthroughs.
Now let’s see if we can put you on that road, too!
Want to Experience that Orgasm Breakthrough?
Sign up to my email list so you don’t miss the launch of The Orgasm Course–and the specials that will be on during Launch Week!
Sign me up!
Have you ever felt broken because you can’t reach orgasm–or rarely do? How has that affected you? Let’s talk in the comments!
The Orgasm Series:
You Are Not Broken if Orgasm is Elusive
When You’re Frustrated that Orgasm is Hard for You–and Easy for Him (October 12)
How Do I Not Feel Self-Conscious about what it Takes to Reach Orgasm? (October 13)
What if My Husband Feels Self-Conscious about Talking about Sex? (October 14)
Figuring out What’s Holding You Back from Orgasm (October 19)
The Orgasm Course Launch (October 26–we hope!)
Start Your Engines Podcast: When your wife has difficulty with orgasm (October 29)
And don’t forget to check out:
31 Days to Great Sex
The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex
And sign up to be notified when The Orgasm Course launches!
Sheila Wray Gregoire
Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8
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October 2, 2020
Let’s Make the World a Little Less Scary for Women
Do men realize how much women have to be on their guard?
Keith (Sheila’s husband) here at the blog today for some thoughts for the guys.
I recently heard a comedienne doing a routine where she observed that a man’s greatest fear is that a woman will laugh at him and a woman’s greatest fear is that a man will kill her. So she observed with classic comedic understatement that it seemed to her that men and women enter relationships with slightly different stakes on the table.
That routine as well as some other things in my life have caused me to think a lot recently about how much more dangerous this world can be for a woman than for a man. I think we as men often don’t really realize how much fear women have to live with on a daily basis.
Tragically, anticipating and preparing against violence is a reality of life that women have to deal with and – also tragically – that we as men often fail to appreciate.
I did not always understand this. I vividly remember Sheila teaching me in university about holding your keys in your pocket with each key between the fingers as a defense technique. A punch from that fist would do a lot more damage, she explained. At first, I filed that away under “tips for if I ever get in a fight” – in the same part of my brain where I put other techniques – setting your stance, punching through your target not at it, how to hold your fist so you don’t break your fingers, etc. I am a bit embarrassed to admit it, but at the time it was an interesting, but entirely theoretical exercise for me – information that may or may not be useful at some point.
It is interesting how perspectives can change, though. When Sheila and I were dating, at the end of the night I would drop her off at the apartment where she lived with three other young women, then walk back to my dorm room at university. I was a completely love-struck young man and I typically would walk home on cloud nine, quite oblivious to my surroundings.
That night, as I fiddled with me keys in my pocket I realized this kind of walk home in the dark after an enjoyable date would be a very different experience for Sheila. She could not afford to daydream as I was doing, she would need to stay vigilant. What I had seen as a theoretical exercise was for Sheila anything but that.
Self-defense for women is not a theoretical exercise, but an overwhelming reality of their daily lives.
As a result, I now always think about how I must seem to women on the street if I am out walking at night. Whereas before it wouldn’t even cross my mind, now I can’t help but think how threatening I must be to a lone woman. I mean, how could she possibly know I was a sensitive, caring father of two daughters and not a potential assailant? Depending on the circumstance, it might mean giving her a friendly, reassuring smile or “hello”, then clearly indicating that my attention is not focused on her. I might call Sheila on the cell phone and talk about things domestic. I might cross to the other side of the street or even take an entirely different route. I could ignore this as her problem, but I choose not to. I think Jesus would want her to feel peace, so I try to bring peace.
I also think back with shock (and disappointment in myself) about the times that Sheila and I parted after a date and each walked home alone. What was I thinking?!? I like to think of myself as caring and thoughtful of others, so why didn’t I just take the extra time to get her home safely those nights, too? To be honest, I think I had just tended to be oblivious to this whole issue before that point. And I daresay I think I am not alone among men.
Sheila and Keith just after we were married
You may also enjoy:
How Can We Talk about Men’s Sexual Needs in a Healthy Way?
Pastors: Can We Stop it with the “Boys will be Boys”?
For most of us men it is just not on our radar screen the same way it is for a woman because for men – unlike for women – it generally doesn’t have to be.
I learned a bit of what Sheila was going through as a woman that night and I continue to learn. I am on a journey like everybody else, growing and (hopefully) improving as I age. I must admit, though, that seeing the female perspective on things does not always come naturally for me; I have to train myself to switch perspective.
I have had lots of help with that, though. Having lived with Sheila for almost thirty years and having raised two daughters to adulthood has at times practically forced me to see the world from a woman’s point of view. I had a whole new set of lessons in this area when our daughters left home to go to university. I had never really looked at a neighbourhood through the eyes of ensuring personal safety before. But thinking about your daughter walking home at night after classes makes you look at a neighbourhood in an entirely different way. Paternal instinct started kicking in and suddenly I was checking (among other things) how many streetlights there were and how they were placed, something I never would have thought of on my own. Experiences like that have made me more aware of and sensitive to what women go through. I am sure I still have a lot more to learn.
Feeling sexually disconnected?
Like you’ve lost your groove?
Like you’re on two different planets when it comes to sex in your marriage?
31 Days to Great Sex can help you talk through what’s gone wrong and try some new things to figure out how to make it RIGHT!
Let's try it!
Part of the reason I was so clueless may have been that I grew up in a house as one of four brothers and no sisters. It was testosterone 24-7 with no little sister to bring a different perspective or to say “No fair!” if fights turned physical. My brothers and I were never mean or nasty to each other, but we certainly were not afraid of asserting ourselves against each other verbally or physically.
In contrast, Sheila grew up in a very female-dominated and rather reserved family, so the first time I stormed out of a room and slammed a door after a fight, she was terrified and she told me so. I can imagine an alternate universe where I blew that off as her trying to control my emotions (and me!) or where I could have told myself that she was being ridiculous. She had nothing to be afraid of as I had not – nor ever would – actually hurt her!
But I am so glad I learned about this “Female Fear Factor” beforehand so I took what Sheila said seriously. I don’t want my wife to be afraid of me, I want her to feel I am going to be the one to protect her from everybody else! So I worked on keeping my voice even and not storming out of rooms anymore. It took time and some self-discipline for me to change, but I did it because I want my wife to feel safe around me. Interestingly enough, though, it actually helped me out as well. I have found that when you are focused on how you are speaking, you also tend to focus more on what you are speaking (i.e. fewer regrettable words spoken, fewer misunderstandings due to unclear communication).
I would encourage all men to think about these issues despite (or perhaps because of) the fact that we don’t usually do so naturally. Maybe a good start start would be talking to your wife tonight about it. Does she worry about these things? How does she deal with it? Don’t be oblivious to these issues the way I used to be. Instead, do your best to understand what she goes through and let that influence how you treat her.
How can guys better understand how women feel? If you’re a guy, have you ever had this conversation with your wife? Let’s talk in the comments!
Keith Gregoire
Blog and Podcast Contributor, Co-Author with Sheila of two upcoming marriage books
Keith is the rock that supports Sheila, who runs this blog! Sheila and Keith married when Keith was attending Queen's University medical school in Kingston, Ontario. He later completed his residency in pediatrics at the Hospital for Sick Children, and has since directed the pediatric undergraduate program at Queen's University, and been Chief of Pediatrics at a community hospital in Belleville, Ontario. He and Sheila speak at marriage conferences around the world, and together they've also done medical missions in Kenya. Next up: They're authoring The Guy's Guide to Great Sex together! Plus, of course, he's an avid birdwatcher.
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October 1, 2020
The Sexual Abuse Questions Podcast: Pointing to Recovery
Sexual abuse is one of the most damaging and traumatic things a person can go through.
Warning: This podcast and post may be disturbing to people with sex abuse in their past, but we didn’t go into great detail about anything specific .
God designed sex to be an ultimate “knowing” of each other-and intimate joining of two people.
When sex is instead used to abuse, it’s not just an attack. It’s a deliberate unknowing, an erasure of who that person is. It says, “who you are doesn’t matter; I just want to use you.”
It can also be traumatic because you can blame yourself. Often perpetrators make it seem as if it’s your fault; and then there’s arousal non-concordance, where your body becomes aroused even though your brain is protesting in every way possible. Just because you’re aroused doesn’t mean you consented or that it was your fault, either.
Today we answered several questions that have come in about sexual abuse, so listen in!
Browse all the Different Podcasts
See the Last “Start Your Engines” (Men’s) Podcast
And you can watch on YouTube as well:
We started with this question. I wanted to see if Rebecca had the same first reaction I did (she did!).
One thing I’d love to read about is how to be intimate when dealing with flashbacks of sexual abuse, especially when the abuser is someone in your family that you still have to see a few times per year.
We also talked more about flashbacks and healing:
I’m engaged to be married soon. We are both virgins, and have committed to save sex for marriage. I have a difficult past in that I was sexually abused by my father and a pastor for many years (though never penetrated) and I was raised in the purity movement. I’ve gone through extensive counseling concerning the abuse, and I really feel like I’ve emotionally healed from it. I’ve released my abusers to God, have make strict boundaries, and now have peace about the past. But a new issue has risen that I don’t know what to do with.
I’m sometimes getting triggered when my boyfriend and I kiss. I’m ok as long as I’m the one initiating/more dominant and if my body is upright (or I’m leaning over him) but anytime he becomes more passionate/dominant in the kissing or if his body pushes me backward even slightly, I panic because I have a flash back of the day my dad leaned over on top on me and kissed my neck and molested me. The trigger is so strong, I don’t like being on my back at all with *anybody* looking over me, such as a chiropractor. It makes me feel trapped, powerless, and exposed.
I feel incredibly safe with my boyfriend and he is a very gentle, tender hearted man — nothing like the abusers in my life. But these certain positions and moments of passion just feel so repulsive to me at times and remind of of how I felt used and completely out of control around my abusers.
My boyfriend has been extremely understanding and patient with me and we recently came up with a safe word that I can say to immediately stop physical contact, but I would *really* like to get over these triggers completely, especially the part of being on my back — I’ve got to get to that point before we’re married and try sex!! Help!!
My heart goes out to this young woman and to others like her. This is so difficult. We talked about how important it was to find a licensed counselor trained in trauma therapy who can help with evidence-based treatments (like EMDR) to reduce the intensity and frequency of flashbacks.
We also shared with her some wonderful, encouraging words Rachael Denhollander sent to us to use in our upcoming book The Great Sex Rescue. Rachael generously wrote an awesome endorsement for us, but then she also wanted abuse survivors to know this:
Working through the abuse together can be a long road, but it is a beautiful, redemptive road. Eventually, associations will be reshaped into the positive memories and experiences, and a safe, secure, tender spouse walking the road to redemptive sexuality can bring a depth of healing that seems beyond possible.
Rachael Denhollander
And check out Rachael’s book What Is a Girl Worth, too!
We also tackled some other questions about female abusers and finding healing years later.
But this question was an important one, even though it doesn’t directly have to do with sexual abuse.
My husband was very abusive for years. I tried leaving several times but I honestly think it was God that would always stop me in my tracks. I think God saw something in him and knew things would change. Most of the abuse wasnt physical fyi, and even when it was, he never “injured” me. Now he is really trying to be nice. I mean, really trying. And I dont think its another back and forth to manipulate me. I think he wants to be better. But I cant forgive him. I feel like if I do, I am giving him back that power over me. But I want to serve Jesus and I want to save my marriage. How can i forgive him?
Asking how to save the marriage is the wrong question when abuse is involved.
The key here is to follow God and grow in Him, and then, if your husband proves repentant and trustworthy over a long period of time, perhaps the marriage can be rebuilt. But let’s not assume that our goal should be marriage restoration. It should instead be growth to look more like Jesus, and that means taking care of ourselves, too. (I’ve written more about abuse and divorce, too).
Are you a survivor of sexual abuse?
Join the FREE 30-Days of Courage Challenge for abuse survivors + advocates! October 1-30, inside a private Facebook Group. It’s an awesome roundup of speakers and experts to give you encouragement, tips, and expert knowledge.
Speakers include: Leah Remini, Johnathon Schaech, Lyvonne Briggs, Sarah Ann Masse, Ashley Easter, Jimmy Hinton and, Eboney Weathers!
Hosted by Courage 365.
Check out The Courage Conference!
Timeline of the Podcast
Timeline for Audio
0:20 A trigger warning for listeners
2:40 RQ: What if I have to see my abuser at family functions?
5:15 RQ: I’m experiencing flashbacks to my past abuse when I’m with my boyfriend
8:55 Encouragement for how your spouse can be a healing presence
10:20 RQ: After childhood rape, and marital rape, how do I move forward with healing so I can have a healthy second marriage down the road?
14:30 RQ: How do I forgive my abusive husband?
– A discussion on physical abuse, and what true repentance should look like
26:55 Shout-Out to the Courage Conference
28:15 Reader Story: One woman’s experience of how counselling, a loving spouse, and good resources helped her work through past trauma
32:00 A call for more Christians to pursue Licensed Counselling, as the church has not handled this topic well
Timeline for Video
0:20 A trigger warning for listeners
2:40 RQ: What if I have to see my abuser at family functions?
5:20 RQ: I’m experiencing flashbacks to my past abuse when I’m with my boyfriend
9:10 Encouragement for how your spouse can be a healing presence
10:35 RQ: After childhood rape, and marital rape, how do I move forward with healing so I can have a healthy second marriage down the road?
14:56 RQ: How do I forgive my abusive husband?
– A discussion on physical abuse, and what true repentance should look like
27:49 Shout-Out to the Courage Conference
29:10 Reader Story: One woman’s experience of how counselling, a loving spouse, and good resources helped her work through past trauma
33:00 A call for more Christians to pursue Licensed Counselling, as the church has not handled this topic well
Other things mentioned in this podcast
10 Questions to Ask a Biblical Counselor to Make Sure They’re Safe
Could You Be Sinning Against Your Husband in One of These 98 Ways? (a handout given out by biblical counselors at Harvest Bible Chapel last year)
On Rachael Denhollander, Biblical Counseling, and Healing
Wayne Grudem changes his mind about divorce and abuse–but he hasn’t apologized
The Wounded Heart by Dan Allender
The Courage Conference
10 Reasons Christians Shouldn’t Rush Forgiveness (this is about affairs, but it applies to abuse, too)
The Body Keeps the Score and Sexual Trauma
Have you found counseling helpful for sexual abuse? What has been the hardest part for you? Let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire
Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8
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