Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 50

Can God Really Restore a Marriage?

If your marriage is broken, and you feel distant, and you’re reeling from heartache, can God restore it?

I think it’s one of God’s favourite things to do! But I also think this question has a lot of nuance to it, and I was thinking about it this week as I’ve been on vacation knitting.

So let me tell you about a new knitting project I’ve started–and I’ll circle back to our bigger question about restoration!

I knit a LOT of socks. And whenever you knit a pair of socks, you have a little bit of yarn leftover.

Some socks I knit for Keith

Some socks I knit for myself

And what do you do with that little bit of yarn? i’ve been making it into this sock blanket:

Many knitter friends know that I’m working on this, and so I get “donations” of their ends that they want to get rid of. Lots and lots and lots.

Sometimes the colours are perfect. But sometimes they just don’t really work.

As I was getting ready to go on vacation, I grabbed a sock pattern book that I love, and that I decided I was going to work through, knitting every pattern in there as a challenge.

The pattern I arrived at was called “Drip Candles”. What it does is combine little bits of ends into something quite lovely (for knitters, it’s a simple fair isle repeat).

So I got together some absolutely ugly bits that just won’t work in my blanket, and I tried it. And wow! They turned out beautifully. I even knit two pairs! (One for a guy and one for a woman).

My first fair isle sock!

My second one–for a woman.

I was talking to my mother about why it is that I love patterns like this so much, and we both decided that it’s because I get real satisfaction from using up bits that other people would have discarded. I don’t like waste. But beyond that, I love creating something beautiful out of what no one else would have seen as lovely. I’ve made about 8 of these blankets (and give some as gifts) too, and most of them are made of yarns that look quite ugly by themselves, but work beautifully when you put them together.

When Katie (my youngest) and I were talking about this, we decided that my extra joy comes from this: I could knit a pair of lovely socks from lovely sock yarn and they will turn out lovely just like everyone expected they would. So by knitting them, let’s say I’ve increased the beauty in the world by + 5.

But when I take really ugly yarns that have no use and combine them to make something pretty, I haven’t just increased the beauty by +5, because even if I land at +5, I didn’t start at 0. I started at -5. So I’ve now increased the beauty in the world by 10!

I think God sees reconciliation in similar ways.

God loves creating something beautiful out of that which was broken. Isn’t that what salvation at its heart is? He takes those whose “sin was as scarlet, and makes them white as snow.” (Isaiah 1:18).

It’s like one of my favourite verses:

But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.

1 Peter 2:9

Scripture even tells us that Jesus has a “ministry of reconciliation”:

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation.

2 Corinthians 5:17-19

What does this mean for those of you who are having marriage problems?

God uses imagery of that which was dead coming to life so often in Scripture. One of my favourite stories is Ezekiel and the vision of the dried bones. Ezekiel didn’t see any life, but as God called the bones together and blew life into them, they joined together and lived.

That’s God’s heart. That’s God’s nature. That’s what God wants!

And through the power of the Holy Spirit, God can grow us and change us and soften hearts and convict and do all those things that need to be done.

I’ve seen transformations in marriages. I’ve seen transformations in people’s lives when they are on the brink, and they don’t see how they can ever have hope anymore.

But here’s the thing: God never forces anything.

And that’s where things get dicey.

God gives us free will, and that means that we have the ability to resist what God wants to do in our lives. Even though God longs to transform us and reconcile us, He does not do that outside of our own repentance. He does not do that unless we turn to Him first.

When we turn to Him, what He can do is limitless! But God is a god of boundaries, and He does not trespass over ours. If we say no, He doesn’t come in with a wrecking ball.

That’s where the knitting analogy falls apart. My yarn, you see, cannot refuse to be used. But people can refuse. People do refuse. And that can be very heartbreaking. I shared that in a video earlier this year, and I’ll post this again because some may need it:

You may also enjoy:

Iron should sharpen iron: Why marriage should make us better people
10 reasons rushing forgiveness after an affair is a bad idea
Why won’t my husband change?

HOWEVER, if there is repentance, God can and will grow something beautiful.

When we are both soft towards God and repentant, no matter how big the problem is, I believe that God can knit something beautiful with all the unravelled ends. Whether it’s an affair or porn use or general selfishness, when there is real repentance, God can bring about something beautiful.

Unfortunately, you can’t repent enough for both of you. You can’t do all the work in a marriage; the other person has to be willing to open their heart to God, too. I wish it were simpler, but that’s not how God works or how life works.

But when we are willing, the beauty can be intense.

What if we’re willing, but our spouse is not? Even if the marriage ends because it’s not a safe or healthy one, God can still make something beautiful out of the life of anyone who is surrendered to Him. Even if that beauty doesn’t look like what you thought it would, there is something wonderful about bringing beauty out of that which was broken.

God loves doing that.

And I pray He will do that in your life, too.

And now i must go finish another pair of socks!

Has God ever brought something beautiful out of something ugly in your life? Let’s talk in the comments!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8
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Published on September 01, 2020 04:19

A List of All the To Love, Honor and Vacuum Series

Every month on the blog, I like to focus on a particular topic.

It doesn’t mean that every post in that month has to do with that topic, but often I have more to say on something than just one post will allow, and so I dedicate a month to go more in-depth.

In August, we’ve been talking about periods! But I’ve also tackled emotional labor, MBTI personalities, birth control, submission in marriage, and so much more.

I know some of you have joined the blog only relatively recently, and so you may not have had time to delve into some of the series that I’ve done in the past. Since there’s an extra Monday in August, I thought I’d post my most recent series, so that you all can peruse and catch up if there’s a topic you’ve missed. And the other posts in each series should be listed at the bottom of these posts, too.

Have fun!

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The “How NOT to Flirt with Your Wife” Podcast

It’s the last Thursday of the month, so it’s time for our Start Your Engines podcast, directed towards men (and their wives, of course!)

And today we’re talking all about flirting.

So first, listen in!

Listen to the Podcast Here

Browse all the Different Podcasts

Listen to the last “normal” podcast

When it comes to flirting with your wife, don’t think “groping”

We opened the podcast talking about the complaints I often get from women about how their husbands often “grope” them at inopportune times. And then we turned to how to flirt in a way that does invite her in!

We started with analyzing this comment (and many others about groping):

My husband and I talked about this VERY thing this last weekend. (We have been married several decades and have a great sex life, and recently became empty-nesters. We have enjoyed our recent found freedom of the empty-nest and we finally have time to discuss in detail issues like this. We both learned some new stuff this weekend. My husband has always thought I enjoyed the ‘game’ of rebuffing his grabbing play. He looked at is as just that…a flirtatious game. He grabs, I push his hand away, the game is on. I had no idea he viewed it that way. I was able to share with him that I really do NOT enjoy the grabbing and pushing away, and that it never turns me on. He was honestly surprised. (Talking really IS so important

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Published on August 27, 2020 04:00

Is It Okay to Give Up on Your Dreams?

Have you ever had dreams that didn’t come true?

We’re right at the cusp of fall, when people are making plans for the year ahead, and looking back over the year that has past. We want to do it better this year. We want to be more organized. We want to finally make some progress!

But in that thinking and planning, there’s often a lot of self-doubt and recriminations.

We thought we’d be further ahead by now. We’re not doing what we thought we would be doing. We’re falling behind.

I came across a post I wrote a few years ago that spoke to me again, and I thought I’d rerun it today, since I’m camping and I need a bit of time off! But I pray that, as you get into planning and circumspection mode, it speaks to you, too!

First, let me tell you about a sermon I heard recently.

The pastor made the point that there are two kinds of mid-life crises:

Those you have when you realize you’ve reached all your goals–so now what?
Those you have when you realize that you will never reach all your goals

And I thought about that second one–when you realize that all the dreams and goals you have for yourself aren’t going to be fulfilled.

Is it really so bad to have dreams that don’t come true?

Let me tell you about two sets of dreams I’ve had.

Dream #1: I wanted to adopt two kids

I remember as a teenager working at summer camps with troubled youth that what I wanted as an adult, more than anything, was to adopt some kids who really needed me. I’d watch movies and read stories about adoption and I would cry and vow to rescue kids.

When I married my husband he wanted the same thing, too. In fact, we made a plan: two of our own, two adopted.

When our girls got to be around 8 and 6 we thought it may be time to start looking at adoption. So we enrolled in the course at our local Children’s Aid society. We took all the training and had the home study done. And then these little foster girls came into Keith’s office (he’s a pediatrician) one day. Keith got to talking with the foster mom. They needed a family so badly. The girls were 8 and 2.

We thought about it and we were so excited! So we took the kids for relief for a few weekends.

And we realized it would never work.

It wasn’t that they weren’t great girls; it’s just that the 8 year old was the same age as Rebecca, and she was just so different. Rebecca was so far ahead of her academically. The comparison would be terrible.

So we knew that if we were ever going to adopt, it would have to be almost as two distinct families, when our own girls were older, because to mix them in would be messy.

We felt a definite “NO” from God.

But by the time the girls got to the age where we could have had two distinct families, I was traveling all the time for speaking. We were taking a lot of missions trips to Africa. And we didn’t feel the same pull.

In fact, I had a distinct message from God when I was speaking one weekend. I was out for a walk on the beach at the retreat centre, and I was pouring out my heart to God about how sad I was that I hadn’t met my dreams. I was 35. I really wanted more kids. And I heard distinct words in my head and heart that God had other plans for me over the next ten years, and that my time as a new mother was over, and that was okay.

Here’s dream #2: We always wanted to spend a protracted time with the girls on the mission field.

Keith and I had always said that we would spend some time overseas with the girls, and in 2002 World Vision sent us a fundraising letter for the Mulli Children’s Family home in Kenya, where they rescued girls from the sex trade (along with other work). It’s home to 800 orphaned and abandoned children, and has rescued more than 4000 over its years. We gave money, and decided then and there that when Rebecca was 13 and Katie was 11 we’d go spend a year helping there.

My mom found out about this, and thought, “there is no way they’re taking my grandchildren to Kenya without me checking it out first.” So in 2004 she headed to MCF herself. She fell in love.

In 2006, our family went to Kenya for the first time ourselves.

It had such an impact on the girls. We spent two weeks there and then one week at a missions hospital to check it out.

Keith and I made plans to spend the school year 2007-2008 in Kenya. He would work at the missions hospital, which was overjoyed to have him come and teach pediatrics for two semesters, and we would take some trips down to the Mulli Children’s Family, too. The girls would go to the missions school that was right at the hospital campus and get to know some missionary kids.

We had been saving the money for years to go. We arranged for him to have a sabbatical from the hospital. We found a family to live in our home. And we applied to the missions organization.

At first they were excited to have us.

But then weird things started to happen. Two representatives came over for dinner one night and made it clear that every missionary under the auspices had certain theological beliefs on what we felt were fringe issues.

Then, every single time that they phoned us our line would go dead.

Then they wanted to send Keith to a different country altogether, where our kids would have to go boarding school away from us. Not going to happen. They relented, but made it clear they weren’t happy with us.

Then our acceptance package arrived in the mail–burned to a crisp. It came in a ziploc bag with a letter from Canada Post saying, “We’re sorry, but the mailbox where this was mailed was set on fire, and this is all that remains.”

We wondered about this. Was it a sign from God?

So we talked to Shaun, a good friend of ours, and asked what he thought.

He said,

If God wanted to give you a sign, what else could he do?

We told the missions agency no. We bought a new house, changed churches, and our lives went in a different direction.

In December of 2007, Kenya had an election. Tribal warfare broke out afterwards. We would have been right in the middle of it. God knew to keep us in Canada.

But we still went back to Kenya–after the violence died down! We’ve been there four times in total.

In 2010 we led a medical missions trip with 7 Christians and 18 not-yet-Christians. And it was the best team we ever led. Eighteen people got to see the gospel in action. They were changed. It was awesome.

My mom has returned seven times since her initial trip in 2004. She’s raised tons of money for them. She’s brought so many people over, leading tons of trips. And she’s introduced many friends to Jesus, too.

And it all started because Keith and I, when the girls were young, decided we wanted to go live there. We didn’t reach our dream, but God still worked because of those dreams. And He did an amazing thing in my mother’s life that would never have happened had we not had those dreams.

UPDATE: And we went again in 2018, taking Connor and Rebecca with us, with another medical team! It was wonderful. One of the highlights was Keith working with a Kenyan doctor, who grew up at the children’s home and who was friends with Rebecca when they were young. To see him grown up, married, with a child, and now a doctor, was amazing.

Us in 2018, reunited with Benedict, now a doctor

What do dreams mean?

I think when we have dreams of what we want to do for God, it simply means that our hearts cry out to be significant. God sees that. God honours that–as if we had actually done it.

Those dreams may come from an honest heart. But they don’t necessarily come from God.

Does that make sense? Just because you have a good dream doesn’t mean that this is God’s will for your life. Now, dreaming something that isn’t God’s will isn’t wrong. Do you remember the story of Paul and his companions in Acts 16:6-9? They had this vision of expanding their preaching, and tried to go to Asia. The Holy Spirit stopped them. So they tried to go somewhere else. Nope. God stopped them there, too.

Then one night Paul has this dream about the man calling him from Macedonia. And they get in a boat, sail to Macedonia, and meet Lydia, the first European convert (who also happened to be a woman who wears purple! I have a commenter called lydia purple who loves that story, too!).

Were they wrong to try to go to Asia? Were they wrong to go to Bithynia? No, of course not. But that wasn’t what God wanted for them. In making the effort, though, they showed God their willingness to serve Him.

Sometimes we have dreams that are very, very good but aren’t from God.

Just because something isn’t from God doesn’t mean it’s bad; it only means that it may not get done. But God can still use those dreams in our hearts. God used my dreams to help troubled kids by sending us to Africa instead, and giving us a heart for the work so that we have supported them financially for years. And ironically, I told my best friend about our dreams and about fostering, and SHE ended up adopting a child from the foster care system.

God used our dreams to take our kids on the mission field to give our children a vision of the world they may not otherwise have had. He took my mom on amazing adventures she may not have had. But our dreams didn’t come true the way we saw them.

I think God wants us to dream dreams and put in effort to meet those dreams–just like Paul and his companions did. And if we’re going in the wrong direction, God will stop us, like He stopped Paul and like He stopped Keith and me. But two things to remember:

2 Things to Remember about Dreams

If God stops you, it doesn’t mean you dreamed wrong
If your dream doesn’t happen, it doesn’t mean you’ve failed at your life’s purpose

I’ve been trying that read-the-Bible through in a year thing for the last few years, and I’ve been reading it more like stories and less like a Bible study where you pick apart each word. And the thing I notice, over and over again, is how God does speak specific things to people, but He does it very rarely. Maybe once or twice over their entire lives. Other than that, He wants us to figure things out and walk in faith.

What am I trying to say? I guess it boils down to this:

It is good to dream big things for God. It is good to work towards those dreams. But if those dreams don’t happen after you worked and prayed and prepared, then that is because God is honouring the heart behind the dream rather than the dream itself. So don’t feel like you’ve failed. Your job is to dream; it is God’s dream to bring it to fruition. And if it doesn’t happen, it’s only because God has something else.

I’m praying that this was something that somebody needed to hear today!

And if you’re busy visioning for your family, and praying for a vision, and wondering about your dreams, I have an awesome download you can use with your spouse to work through and pray through this together! Just sign up below.

Have you ever had a dream that didn’t come true? How did you reconcile that with God? Let’s talk in the comments!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8
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Published on August 26, 2020 04:31

10 Things to Know about Old Testament Laws and Periods

As Christians, a lot of the cultural ideas that we get about our periods derive from Old Testament laws that called periods “unclean.”

We’re finishing up our series on periods today! And I thought I’d end with something that came up repeatedly in the comments over the last month:

Why did God call periods unclean?
Why were women unclean after having babies?
What does this tell us about how God sees women’s bodies?

Does God think we’re gross? Does He consider us “unclean” more than men are unclean? Should women feel shame?

After all the questions came up, I did some more digging about the Old Testament laws, and here are 10 things that can help clarify our thinking about it!

1. The purposes of these Laws were twofold: To keep the community healthy, and to point to truths about God in “object lesson” ways

Old Testament Laws tended to revolve around two things: the way the Israelites interacted with the Temple and with God; and the way that the Israelites should interact with each other. o, for instance, there were rules about who could go in what parts of the Temple and when; and there were rules about who you could marry or how you should treat your servants.

These rules did two things: they showed us that God is different from us, and that the true God is different from other people’s gods, because He asked different things of the Israelites. The idea of being “separate” and called apart was solidified in these laws, which were very numerous. They included what you could eat; when you could wear; how you dealt with sin (whether intentional or not).

And, yes, they focused on when you were “clean” and “unclean”.

What’s interesting about the “clean” and “unclean” distinction is that many of the things that are called unclean are things that, if they were left unchecked, could get the community sick. So, for instance, you were unclean for seven days if you touched a dead body (Numbers 19:11). Why? Well, in a time of pestilence, going near a dead body may make you sick, too. So having a rule that you couldn’t go near someone for a time after touching a dead body actually lessened the spread of disease. Not eating meat with blood still in it made sure your meat was cooked. Not eating foods that were more likely to carry parasites made people less likely to get sick.

And then we get to the rules about menstruation, which say:

When a woman has a discharge, and the discharge in her body is blood, she shall be in her menstrual impurity for seven days, and whoever touches her shall be unclean until the evening. And everything on which she lies during her menstrual impurity shall be unclean. Everything also on which she sits shall be unclean. And whoever touches her bed shall wash his clothes and bathe himself in water and be unclean until the evening. And whoever touches anything on which she sits shall wash his clothes and bathe himself in water and be unclean until the evening. Whether it is the bed or anything on which she sits, when he touches it he shall be unclean until the evening. And if any man lies with her and her menstrual impurity comes upon him, he shall be unclean seven days, and every bed on which he lies shall be unclean.

Leviticus 15:19-24

And if one is unclean, one cannot go to the Temple or offer prayers or anything else religious, and those who do go to the Temple must stay away from you. So, in general, being unclean is to be avoided.

In the Old Testament, then, when a woman is unclean, her husband wasn’t supposed to come near her.

2. A woman’s “uncleanness” was often a time for sisterhood bonding

Because a man couldn’t come near her when she was menstruating, and he couldn’t touch what she touched, women often went into separate tents during their “time of the month”. And often other women who were menstruating were there, too. So this was a time when women could be together, could chat and talk and take it a little bit easier. They wouldn’t be able to prepare food for their husbands, and they wouldn’t have to do the normal household tasks, because if they did, then everything would be unclean. So this was often a nice “time off”, fun with your sisters!

3. Unclean laws are not about one’s moral state

It’s important to note that being unclean is not about sin. It was about ritual uncleanness and whether or not you could participate in temple activities.

Touching a dead body made you ritually unclean, for instance, but it wasn’t like Israelites weren’t supposed to prepare bodies for burial, or that this was a sin to do.

People were also ritually unclean if they had certain sores on their bodies. Again, not an issue of sin.

Why was the idea of blood so tied up in ritual uncleanness (like with periods?) Since one of the main aspects of the temple was animal sacrifice, where the animal’s blood was spilled, it was important that it not be contaminated with human blood. Even men who were bleeding could not be in the temple. In the temple, life was restored through animal sacrifice which helps get one right with God. Life is in the blood, and so the temple was to proclaim life, and that blood could not be contaminated.

4. When you think “unclean”, don’t think shame. It simply may mean you need to wash.

One of the bigger picture things that God wanted to teach people is that we were tarnished by sin, and we needed to be cleansed by Him. We need to be morally clean to approach God.

Many of the laws, then, focus on this idea of “clean” and “unclean” as a picture of needing to wash before a holy God. It doesn’t mean that we’re sinful if we’re in a particular state of uncleanness; but it helps the Israelites through their daily lives have a reminder that they needed to think about being clean before God (another way that the Law points us to Jesus, as Paul says, who makes us clean.) And the times that we’re unclean are often simply times we need to wash–after periods, after sex (or emissions of semen), after handling dead bodies, when you have open sores.

5. Men were unclean as often as women–but we don’t seem to talk about it as much

While we’re quite familiar with the fact that women were “unclean” during their menstruation, we often forget that men were unclean frequently, too. They were unclean every time they had an emission of semen, whether through sex, or nocturnal emissions, or any other way.

It is not only women’s bodily fluids that are considered ritually unclean, then, but men’s as well.

6. When women were ceremonially unclean, men couldn’t approach them for sex

If a man approached a woman for sex during her period, he would then be unclean for seven more days. Men were not supposed to have sex with a woman during her period. To me, this is actually one of the most fascinating tidbits about the Old Testament Law, BECAUSE:

7. The fact that God asked couples to abstain during her period means that He doesn’t believe men can’t last without sexual release

We were talking last week about how Kevin Leman in Sheet Music told women that they must give their husbands sexual favors during their periods and the postpartum phase or else the husband would go crazy and would be climbing the walls and wouldn’t be able to resist porn. In Every Man’s Battle, women are called “methadone vials” for husbands’ porn addictions, and told that they need to give husbands release so that they won’t be tempted.

However, this was NOT the way that God saw things at all. It’s quite clear in Old Testament Law that God expected men to abstain for a time, and not have any release valve. And this was BEFORE the Holy Spirit came in all of His power! God felt men, even without the Holy Spirit, could honor their wives and wait. And yet too often modern Christian sex advice tells women the exact opposite.

I was talking about this on Facebook recently, and one woman summed it up beautifully like this:

God clearly assumed men have the self-control to “not come at their wives” for 7 days of bleeding and 40 days of postpartum recovery. “This law I command is not too hard for you…”

Before the New Covenant, before the indwelling power to resist sin and love your neighbor as yourself was even given, God expected men to have self-control during the times when He gave women an explicit, legally protected rest from sexual contact. There was no loophole for prostitutes or porn.

The fact that modern Christianity assumes women‘s bodies are fair game for men’s desires at any time – and then blames the woman for her husband’s lack of self-control and selfish, adulterous choices – shows how low a value the church places on women and how much it continues to elevate the (literal) pleasure of men above the Word of God and the fruit of the Spirit, which is love (your wife as your own body) and self-control.

Sharon J.

8. The unclean period after the birth of a baby allowed healing

After giving birth, women were also ceremonially unclean for a period of time.

The Lord said to Moses, “Say to the Israelites: ‘A woman who becomes pregnant and gives birth to a son will be ceremonially unclean for seven days, just as she is unclean during her monthly period. On the eighth day the boy is to be circumcised. Then the woman must wait thirty-three days to be purified from her bleeding. She must not touch anything sacred or go to the sanctuary until the days of her purification are over. If she gives birth to a daughter, for two weeks the woman will be unclean, as during her period. Then she must wait sixty-six days to be purified from her bleeding.

Leviticus 12:1-5

The time of uncleanness after giving birth allowed the woman time to heal without having to do housework or care for her husband. It’s actually quite similar to the “6-week” medical guideline that we use now. In Old Testament times, a woman wasn’t to be approached for intercourse until the baby was at least 40 days old (and, in the case of a girl, 80 days old). So this was medically quite advanced, even then.

You may also enjoy:

10 Things to Know about Postpartum Sex
Our Postpartum Podcast–and Why Does it Hurt Down There?
Can a Pelvic Floor Physiotherapist Help You?

9. Women had a longer time being unclean after the birth of a girl–for potentially a lot of reasons!

There’s much debate about why the period of uncleanness after the birth of a girl is twice as long as after the birth of a boy. Does it mean that God likes boys better, so you’re not as unclean afterwards? That’s an unfortunately easy conclusion to draw when you read it through our cultural lens.

But I’ve read a number of other interpretations which resonate with me more, based on what I know of the culture of the time, and what I know of the heart of God. I’ll just list some of them here:

It allows the baby girl time to grow, get healthy, and bond before the husband wants to “try for a boy”

Because many cultures have a bias towards male children, the pressure may be to try for another baby right away so that you can have a boy. Giving the mother a longer time to recover from childbirth lets the girl get more nourished, grow a bit, and bond before sex is resumed.

There is sacredness in “blood”, and girls represent more blood–“the life is in the blood”

Some baby girls have a “mini-period” (bloody mucous discharge) a few days after birth because of hormonal changes. This is perfectly natural, but it could be that the longer period of uncleanness takes into account this as well.

Also, there is an idea that the life is in the blood (this is why, for instance, people weren’t to eat meat with blood in it). And since life giving is reserved for God, then blood made one unclean before God. Since baby girls have the potential for more blood–and giving life–than baby boys, then their period of uncleanness is longer.

Because blood is holy, then when it is spilt, it transmits ritual uncleanness, unless it is spilt by a priest to provide sanctification for people. All other spilled blood makes one unclean.

Girls get extra time because they aren’t circumcised like boys

While boys are circumcised on the eighth day to set them apart for God, girls don’t have an analogous physical sign that is done to them. So they get “set apart” for twice as long as boys to signify this.

10. Jesus’ death took away the need to be “clean” to approach God

Finally, the big thing to understand now is that we are no longer under the law. When Jesus was on the cross, the curtain of the temple was torn in two (Luke 23:45). The curtain separated the people from the “Holiest of Holies”, where God literally dwelt. Only the High Priest could enter the Holiest of Holies, and that only once a year. Only the High Priest could be in the presence of God.

But on the cross, the curtain was torn in two, signifying that now we could all have communion with God without impediment.

In Acts 10, we read the story of Peter and Cornelius. Cornelius was a Roman centurion who wanted to follow Jesus, and Peter was sent to talk to him. But before Peter was sent for, he had a vision from God preparing him for this encounter:

And he became hungry and wanted something to eat, but while they were preparing it, he fell into a trance and saw the heavens opened and something like a great sheet descending, being let down by its four corners upon the earth. In it were all kinds of animals and reptiles and birds of the air. And there came a voice to him: “Rise, Peter; kill and eat.” But Peter said, “By no means, Lord; for I have never eaten anything that is common or unclean.” And the voice came to him again a second time, “What God has made clean, do not call common.” This happened three times, and the thing was taken up at once to heaven.

Acts 10:10-16

The purpose of the Law was to point us to Christ. It showed us our sin, and it showed us our need for a Savior. It showed us God’s holiness, and how we were to be set apart. It showed us the need for sacrifice. But in Jesus, all of this was fulfilled.

What I find important about the Old Testament laws about periods and the postpartum phase, then, is what it tells us about how God sees women and sex.

God expected men to abstain for a time, and did not expect women to provide sexual favors at all times and under any circumstances to stop men from sinning. God has sympathy for women who are going through difficult periods, or who are going through a post-partum phase. God built in times for women to rejuvenate and to have rest.

Even if the Law no longer applies, these were God’s intentions towards us. Any teaching on sex, then, should not ignore women’s experiences postpartum or during their periods, and should not be predicated on the idea that a man cannot stay pure without a woman’s constant help (contrary to Every Man’s Battle, wives are not methadone vials).

That’s how I see it, anyway. What about you?

Does this change your thinking on the laws at all? Do you have an insight that could be #11? Let’s talk in the comments!

Our Period Series:

All about Periods, Going to the Beach, and Teenage Embarrassment
How Can We Help Boys/Men Be More Sensitive about Girls' Periods?
The Period Podcast!
When Should You Call the Doctor about Your Period?
What Should You Do About Sex During Your Period?
Why We Love Diva Cups (August 24)
10 Things to Know about Old Testament Laws and Periods (August 26)

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8
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Published on August 26, 2020 04:16

How to Make Period Sex Less Messy–and More Enticing

Are you somebody who would actually love to have period sex?

I’ve been writing about periods all month, and last week we looked at period sex, mostly from the perspective that a woman should not feel obligated to give sexual favors then if she doesn’t want to.

But what if her sex drive is higher during her period? A number of women wrote that this is when they want sex the most! One woman said:

This has been a source of contention between us for many years. He is completely grossed out by it and my libido is highest during that time. It makes me feel very unwanted and undesired. It has caused so many arguments we don’t even discuss it anymore. I never even mention my period at all to him because once I do, I am treated like I have some sort of disease.

Other women said that they really enjoy period sex, and their husbands don’t mind!

So let’s look at period sex from different perspectives today, and then I’ll suggest several ways to make period sex less messy. (and some affiliate links are below!)

Again, this post is NOT to insinuate that women should have period sex. I completely believe that this is up to you, and that many women feel so uncomfortable during their periods that sex seems extremely off-putting. That’s okay. But if you’re someone whose sex drive goes up during your period, here are some things to think about:

When your husband is grossed out by the idea of period sex

Like our commenter, many men can’t even fathom period sex, even if her drive is highest then. I think there are two perhaps conflicting things to keep in mind here:

Husbands’ preferences should be honoured

As I’ve said before, godly sex is mutual sex, and this should go both ways. Neither spouse should feel obligated to do anything–sex should be based on mutual giving, not taking. If the rest of your sex life is mutual and fun and frequent, and he just wants to abstain during this time, I think that should be honoured and he shouldn’t be pressured, any more than she should be pressured to do something that she finds off-putting or uncomfortable.

In that case, it just needs to be managed like any libido difference, as you stay active, stay generous, keep close to one another, and deal with your frustration.

Messy sex is a reality for women the vast majority of the time

However, I think what many men may not understand is that, unless a man is using a condom, messy sex is a reality for women. Women have his fluid inside us, and we do need to wash afterwards and wipe up mess and go to the bathroom to prevent UTIs. Some men may have an aversion to blood, and I do think that should be honoured. But I would also like to encourage men to realize that sex is ALWAYS messy for women (unless you use a condom), and that we have to deal with this. If your concern is simply that you don’t want things to be messy, then remember that you are asking her to endure this literally every other time you have sex. So a little give and take here may be in order.

Nevertheless, I do think there is a big difference between women having semen dripping out of them and men having blood on their penis. I can understand why that may be very disturbing for some men!

(I told you they were contradictory! But those are two things to think about when it comes to period sex and talk about and balance together as a couple).

How to make period sex less messy if you are both fine with it!
Showers and towels are your friend

Showers are a no-mess solution, although intercourse is not always very comfortable in showers. But other kinds of stimulation may be! And if you’re trying intercourse in bed, just use a towel, even if it’s near the end and she’s only spotting. After orgasm, women’s flow can become heavier, so what was only a light flow may get heavier. (If you think your period is about to begin, sometimes orgasm brings the first “gush” of blood, too.)

Try Flex discs DURING your period

Flex has a period product that also makes sex safe, easy and clean during those days! Like the menstrual cups we talked about last week, Flexdiscs are inserted inside the vagina, and are held in place at the base of the cervix. Unlike the diva cups, these are disposable. But they last 12 hours as well, without leaking.

And the great thing is that they can be worn during sex!

Because they sit so high up, they don’t get in the way. Here’s a video explaining how to use it:

It’s a little tricky to insert properly (you have to make sure it’s high enough so it doesn’t leak), but a number of women have said in the comments here and on Facebook that they find it works great!

So if you want mess-free sex during your period, these may be the answer you were looking for.

Check them out!

Have you ever tried the FlexDisc or the SoftDisc? Are you someone who gets more in the mood during her period? If so, what solutions have you found?

Our Period Series:

All about Periods, Going to the Beach, and Teenage Embarrassment
How Can We Help Boys/Men Be More Sensitive about Girls' Periods?
The Period Podcast!
When Should You Call the Doctor about Your Period?
What Should You Do About Sex During Your Period?
Why We Love Diva Cups (August 24)
10 Things to Know about Old Testament Laws and Periods (August 26)

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8
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Published on August 25, 2020 04:16

The PERIOD Series: Why To Love, Honor and Vacuum Loves Diva Cups!

We love Diva cups. They’re awesome, and they can change your life.

We’re at the end of our period series this week. We’ve talked about the shame that we often feel as teens about our periods; how to help guys understand periods; when to call the doctor; sex and your period; and more. We have a few more things to wrap up, but this is the last big post.

And for the last one, we wanted to dedicate a post to something that so many of our commenters have sworn by, and that we’re passionate about ourselves: Diva cups.

(and this post contains affiliate links)

A Diva cup (or menstrual cup) is a reusable silicone cup that is inserted in the vagina to catch menstrual blood.

It replaces pads and tampons. It can be worn for up to 12 hours. Then you just take it out, dump the contents in the toilet, rinse it out, and reinsert it. Once it’s in, you really don’t feel it. It molds to the shape of your body, making leaks far less likely. And it saves a ton of money over its lifetime, because you don’t have to buy disposable products!

It’s Rebecca here on the blog today, and I first heard about menstrual cups when I was doing research for zero waste living. I thought, “that’s interesting!” Also, a lot of people said it helped with their cramps because they weren’t putting chemicals anywhere near the you-know-what, and it helped with leaking. Since I both cramp and leak, I thought, “Woo hoo!” So I decided to give it a go.

It did take a little bit to get it working and figure out how to make sure it’s fully opened inside the vagina. But once I understood how it worked, I’ve used it ever since.

Now menstrual cups aren’t for everyone. If you don’t get the right size, they can be irritating (which is why they come in different sizes). And you can’t be squeamish and use them. You have to be comfortable reaching up inside the vagina to squeeze the cup (to release suction) to remove it. But as long as you can do that, or as long as you’re willing to try to learn, I think they’re wonderful.

Common Questions about Diva Cups
How do you get Diva cups in?

You just squeeze in half vertically (so that it makes a U-shape), and then you insert it, wiggle it around a bit so that it vacuum seals, and then you’re good to go. But there are lots of videos that give you tips on how to do it right, like this one:

How do you get Diva cups out?

You put one finger in enough to break the vacuum seal, and then you pinch the bottom and pull it out. It sounds a lot more complicated than it is! Really, just push in until it’s not stuck, and pull it out. It’s easier to get out than in, because after it’s been in for 12 hours it’s warm and more pliable from your body temperature. Again, there are lots of videos to give you tips on this.

How do you change them in a public washroom?

You take it out, dump the contents in the toilet, wipe it off with toilet paper, and put it back in.

How often do you clean it?

Every single time you’re home, you rinse it when you change it. And then after every period, you do a deep clean with boiling water and a toothbrush. It doesn’t take very long.

Can you feel menstrual cups when they’re up there?

You shouldn’t be able to. If you feel anything, it’s often the knob at the bottom, but you can snip that off and it doesn’t harm the cup. When it’s inserted properly, you feel it less than you feel a tampon.

You just get the size that’s right for you, and it works!

Model 2–For Women 30+ who have been through childbirth

Take me to it!

Model 1–For Women 19-30 who haven’t given birth

Take me to it!

Model 0–For young teens

Take me to it!

Can teen girls really use Diva cups?

There’s nothing anatomy-wise that means they can’t physically use it, but some girls certainly will be squeamish, and you don’t want to have a girl insert it and then be too squeamish to take it out, or to tell you if she’s having a problem.

(And if you do have trouble inserting a tampon or a diva cup while still a virgin because you’re too tight, it’s wise to get checked by a doctor before marriage to make sure you don’t have a thick hymen or vaginismus).

But many girls don’t have a problem with this at all, and will find it very empowering. And a lot less worrisome, since you don’t leak.

Why not ask your daughter and see what she thinks? We talked about them in our older version of The Whole Story course, too–our puberty course for girls. We don’t say that any girl SHOULD use it or should feel badly if they don’t want to. We just presented it as an option so they know it exists.

We personally recommend these for older girls more, simply because they do require care. You do have to change it every 12 hours, and it is a more complicated procedure than just tampons or pads.

There are lots of girls in the diva cups forums who use them at 13 or 14, though, so see what your daughter wants to do!

You're telling me WHAT goes WHERE?!

Talking about sex with your kids doesn't always go smoothly.

That's why we created The Whole Story, our online course that walks parents through the tough conversations and does the hard parts for you!

Learn More!

We really think menstrual cups are a revolutionary way of handling periods.

In fact, there’s a concerted effort underway in Africa to help women and girls use them, because they’re easier to clean and run less risk of disease spread than pads, and they’re reusable. Pads and tampons are very expensive for most people, and are the #1 reason that girls miss school. Getting women and girls comfortable with using menstrual cups can change everything. The wife of the Ugandan President has done a huge effort to change Uganda in this regard, and has been rather successful, even taking them into refugee camps.

When we were in Kenya, we brought several dozen to introduce to the staff at the children’s home where we were working, and the women were so excited about them because of the thought of how much money it could save them. This really is a big blessing! So I had a great time explaining how to use them!

Demonstrating how a Diva Cup sits inside

We also brought a lot of flannel over to show them how to make reusable pads, too! (Especially since they can make and sell them as a business when they graduate)

Cutting the flannel for the pads

Making the pads on their manual sewing machines

Reusable menstrual products just make sense.

They’re better for the environment. They tend to be much more comfortable. And, in the long run, they’re far cheaper!

And so many swear by menstrual cups.

So if you’ve always wondered, and you’ve never taken the plunge–maybe now’s the time to try!

Check out Diva cups!

Do you use a menstrual cup? How do you find it? Let’s talk in the comments!

Rebecca Lindenbach

Blog Contributor, Author, and Podcaster

Rebecca Lindenbach is a psychology graduate, Sheila’s daughter and the author of Why I Didn’t Rebel. Working alongside her husband Connor, she develops websites focusing on building Jesus-centered marriages and families. Living the work-from-home dream, they take turns bouncing their new baby boy, and appeasing their curmudgeonly rescue Yorkshire terrier, Winston. ENTJ, 9w8. Check out Why I Didn't Rebel, or follow her on Instagram!
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Published on August 24, 2020 04:16

Parents: Let’s Not Add Creepy Sexual Messages to Your Daughter’s First Period

Your daughter’s first period is not the time to warn her about being sexually promiscuous.

Let me repeat that: Just because your daughter can get pregnant now does not mean that you should launch into a talk about not fooling around with boys on the day that she gets her first period.

I’ve invited my youngest daughter Katie on the blog today to respond to a reader’s comment that was sent in during our period series about the trauma of her first period. The reader writes:

My Mom did a pretty good job of preparing me for our periods, and I managed it well.

The real trouble was not my mom, but how my dad handled it. I was 13 years old the week I started my period, but I was still a “young” 13-year-old. I guess my mom told my dad. He took me for a walk and started lecturing me on how I should never, ever let a boy take advantage of me now and how that would ruin my whole life. He told me that if I messed around with boys I would get an STD or would wind pregnant in high school.

At this point I had only ever had 2 crushes. I had never had a boyfriend, and no boys were interested in me.

When I got home I ran off and cried. It was about the most privacy-violating moment of my life, especially because I had told my Mom not to tell him. The best I can compare it to is the analogy of a parent walking in on you in the bathroom and not caring.

And here’s Katie!

Many Christians unfortuantely feel that a girl getting her first period is the exact appropriate time to lay on the, “Don’t have sex, don’t have sex, don’t have sex!” message.

Let me just say this, this is not as appropriate.

When my older sister was 11 she went away for a weekend with my mom where they listened to a Christian CD curriculum all about puberty. The very next message after, “So you’re going to bleed out of your vagina every single month now for the next 40 years, sorry about that,” was a message solely on promising not to have sex until you’re married.

You see, periods made you sexual now. By having a period you were now in imminent danger of having sex at any moment.

Excuse me, what?!

What is it that is making them see a frightened 12-year-old, trying to figure out how to properly put a pad in so she doesn’t leak through her underwear and pants, is now on the immediate precipice of teenage pregnancy?

While I do not personally believe that a huge lecture on modestly should go hand in hand with taking a young girl out to buy her first training bra, I can see why many highly conservative groups so often tie these things together. There is a point where boobs become sexy, so, logically, I can follow the thought process of explaining modesty at this time, even if that is not the course I would take.

Periods, however, never become sexy.

Not when you’re a teenage, not when you’re an adult, not when you’re married.

So when we sexualize periods to young girls who are already confused about so many things, we really are not accomplishing anything. And let me assure you, at that point in girls’ lives, we will promise you ANYTHING just to get you to stop talking about it.

I can’t think many 12-year-olds trying to figure out tampons would reply, ‘Well actually I was thinking about going and trying to have some sex now,” if you asked them to promise to abstain from sex until they are married. Inserting a tampon for the first time is terrifying enough, OF COURSE we’re going to promise nothing else is going up there for a long, long time.

Heck, at that point, I probably would have promised to NEVER have sex.

My sister and I hit our first periods within a year of one another, despite Rebecca being two and a half years older. It was not a fun few years in the Gregoire household. We were moody, insecure, confused, and learning new things about our bodies that were weird and scary. I in particular always had painful cuts all around my ankles and knees from learning how to shave. I was quite bad at it, obviously. There was a lot going on emotionally and physically.

Reading that reader email earlier in this post, where she was getting more and more shame put on her simply for going through inevitable body changes she had no control over, reaffirms that this is not the most healthy way for a young woman to learn about her body.

All we do by introducing these important discussions too early and in the wrong context is cause baggage, shame, guilt, confusion, and coerced promises that mean nothing because they were made in fear and awkwardness.

In my opinion, teen pregnancy, STDs, and the general struggles of being a teenager are very important serious discussions. But they are important enough that they should be done properly, and especially done at the proper time, which is not 10 minutes after learning the lining of your uterus is going to leak out of your vagina every month.

It’s funny in a way, but both my sister and myself never realized how passionate we were about this topic until a few summers ago when we were filming our video course “The Whole Story“, an in depth e-course to help young girls learn about puberty in a safe, not creepy, and not shameful way. In talking about what we wanted to say to the young girls who would be watching the videos, we realized how much of our content we were putting in because we had friends who had been scarred by shame-based messages that they had been told.

We wanted to do the opposite. We wanted another option out there for mothers and fathers trying to help their daughters navigate these tricky years of growing up, without muddling up the important conversations with anecdotes such as, “A young woman is like a piece of tape and the more people she has sex with, the less sticky she gets. And eventually she won’t be able to stick properly to her husband”. How many of us heard that one, eh? Or the chocolate bar one? (I remember a youth leader giving the chocolate bar analogy when I was about 13 and spending the whole time thinking up what kind of chocolate bar I’d be, hoping I’d be a DairyMilk cause they were so good. I probably didn’t get out of that message what she intended me too.)

The importance of age appropriateness was our main reason in creating the two separate versions of The Whole Story.

In the older version of “The Whole Story”, we do discuss topics such as sex, STDs, and peer pressure. But statistically, the girls seeing those videos would have had their periods for a few years by then, not a few days. And even if they got their periods later, at least they would be more mature hearing these messages.

You're telling me WHAT goes WHERE?!

Talking about sex with your kids doesn't always go smoothly.

That's why we created The Whole Story, our online course that walks parents through the tough conversations and does the hard parts for you!

Learn More!

When we sexualize girls before they’re ready, it makes sex seems shameful.

The fact that you are a woman and you get periods is not a cause for shame. The fact that your body is changing is not a cause for shame. The fact that your body could carry a pregnancy now is not a cause for shame.

So let’s all do our best to share that with the young girls in our lives. They’re confused enough as it is, let’s let them take it one step at a time.

And here’s a video I created on YouTube a while ago to combat the shame message that girls often hear!

What do you think? Did your parents add shame to your first period by making it all sexual? Did your dad ever embarrass you? How do you think dads should handle this? Let’s talk in the comments!

Katie Emmerson

Video Editor, Course Creator

The youngest of Sheila's daughters, Katie's a military wife determined to stretch a military salary as far as it can go! Katie built up a huge following on her YouTube channel as a teen, and is now settling into her new married life. She works as a video editor, running the podcast side of the blog, and she's the host of the girls' version of The Whole Story puberty course. Plus she's a great cook! And she knits without patterns. Even dresses. She hates patterns.

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Published on August 21, 2020 04:16

The PODCAST Post: What if Giving Sexual Favors, well, Hurts?

What if you find oral sex or manual sex difficult because it causes muscle spasms?

We talk about all kinds of weird stuff in our podcasts, and this one came up in some discussions earlier in the week on sex during your period. So we thought it was worth tackling!

Listen in to the podcast first, and then there are some extra links below.

Listen to the Podcast Here

Browse all the Different Podcasts

See the Last “Start Your Engines” (Men’s) Podcast

And, of course, you can watch it on YouTube now, too! (And, yes, we’re still recording in my closet. What can I say? The sound is better there).

On Monday, we were talking about how Kevin Leman told women to give husbands a “simple” hand job or oral sex during their periods since it took a “minimum of effort”.

The quotes from Sheet Music are in Monday’s post about periods and sex, but in the comments, several women responded that it wasn’t so simple.

A hand job takes minimal effort? Seriously? I used to do them all the time early in our marriage when we were still stuck in all those bad thought processes. My hands would ache so bad, and be throbbing by the time I was done. I will Not do them anymore.

Another woman echoed her:

I am so glad I am not alone in finding hand jobs physically painful. My arm would be on fire and my hand would hurt by the time it was over as I silently pleaded with God for it to be done. And my husband would kindly offer me breaks for my arm, and I was too scared (till recently) to say that it still hurt. He is a pretty good guy and wasn’t trying to make me hurt, but so clueless. His initial response to me saying my arm hurt was to ask whether I was doing any exercise to strengthen it. (And I am not out of shape). Because his mind set, like so many is that a hand job is “easy”.

Now, not all women feel this way! One woman commented yesterday that she loved doing this for her husband!

I may be the minority here, but I love giving them. I actually feel like my hubby unwinds for once. I’m by far the higher-drive spouse so sometimes I feel like I end up cheating myself out of my own rare opportunity for pleasure, but I like being able to see him just relax and take it in. Typically that opportunity happens if I’m on my period or postpartum, etc.

But we did want to do a podcast on: What if giving sexual favors is actually uncomfortable?

That doesn’t seem to be acknowledged in the Christian sex books we read for The Great Sex Rescue (and Kevin Leman definitely said that it’s a “minimum of effort”), but for some women it is quite uncomfortable. Even for some men! (And I’ve done a discussion of that before, too).

Basically, any repetitive motion done over a long period of time can cause muscle spasms. And oral or manual sex on a man does this more than on a woman because of anatomy–there’s gripping involved. If a husband takes a long time, it can be very uncomfortable, and we do think there should be some acknowledgment of that.

In the podcast, we tried to look at this from all possible angles (pardon the pun?)

In a healthy marriage, there will be times when you give each other sexual favors with nothing expected in return. And it is kind and generous to figure out a way to do this for your spouse (and it may mean switching things up rather than doing the same thing for 10-15 minutes straight).

We could have spent the podcast talking about how to make this easier, and maybe we can do that in the future.

What we really wanted to address, though, was the expectation that she has to do something that causes her pain or makes her uncomfortable.

Rebecca got very worked up over this, because we’ve just read too many things lately which chastise a woman for not giving a husband sexual release, without requiring a husband to think about his wife in any way whatsoever–or even to take consent into account.

You’ll want to listen!

And there were flashbacks in this podcast to our previous podcast on marital rape, consent, and obligation sex.

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We also talked about our new book, The Great Sex Rescue, coming out in March, where we look at the results of our survey of 20,000 women, and see how these teachings have affected women’s sexual satisfaction and rates of sexual pain. And then we point us all to a better way of talking about all of this. I wish that book were out now so we could get it to you, but we’re excited to share it with you when it is out!

For now, though, listen in. And then let me know what you think!

Do you feel pressured to do sexual favors? Do you feel uncomfortable with it? How can we handle this better? Let’s talk in the comments!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8
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Published on August 20, 2020 04:16

Coaching a Young Girl Through Her First Period at an Airport Bathroom

Is your daughter prepared for her first period?

And what happens when her first period takes her by surprise?

I’m going to invite Joanna, my co-author of our upcoming The Great Sex Rescue, to share a story of talking through bathroom stalls to a young girl in tears.

When I was a little girl, I loved flying.

Many subsequent trips to airports have stripped me of my exuberant affection for planes… except at Christmas. Carols play over the intercoms, everything is decorated, and the airport population changes from business men to adorable kids bedecked in pajamas and dogs being taken along for the ride.

We were travelling to see my husband’s family for New Years one year, and I was filled with Christmas cheer. Just before boarding, I found myself doing the requisite preflight bathroom run. I sat down in the stall and there was a large floppy dolly on the floor in the stall next to mine. Curious.

I heard a little girl on the phone with her mom. “I think I cut myself, mommy,” she kept saying, as mom tried to reassure her.

I finished in the bathroom and washed my hands. When I was little and we were in public my mom’s rule was that if we ever needed help, we should find another mom. And now I was in the mom squad.

I walked over to the stall door and knocked. “Do you need any help?” I asked, trying to sound reassuring.

“No,” came a little voice.

Her mother asked her who it was. “Somebody,” she said.

I identified myself as a mom. Nothing from the girl, but the mom on the line seemed interested.

Another woman walked up to me and asked if I had first aid training. I did not, and she did. I happily bowed out and let someone who knew what they were doing step in. Another woman in the bathroom told me she’d been listening longer filled me in on some details: the little girl had gotten her first period and she was travelling with her dad. She was embarrassed and confused and she didn’t want her dad to know what was happening.

The woman with first aid training sprang into gear. She said she had pads in her purse. Another woman had small panty liners. A third had a tampon. And so we created a “stone soup” of period supplies and the woman who knew how to do first aid carefully and kindly talked the little girl through how to put in a pad. One woman in the bathroom knew she was on the same flight as the girl, and so she offered her help while they were flying.

I knew the situation was under control and I had a flight leaving any minute, so I thanked them both and headed back to my gate and my own little girl.

I’ve thought a lot about that interaction in the days since.

On the one hand, it was a beautiful moment of female community springing into action when a little one needed help. I’m proud of that and I think that we need to look out for each other, just as we ended up having a semi-circle of concerned women surrounding a little girl in the stall.

On the other hand, though, what could have been an empowering coming of age moment for this little one was scary.

Her mom wasn’t there, which couldn’t be helped, but she clearly had no sense of what menstruation is or how to deal with it. Since I never saw her, I don’t know how old she was, but from the dolly on the floor, I suspect she was quite young.

And here’s the thing: the start of menstruation is happening younger and younger on average.

There are a lot of risk factors: obesity is a big one. Another is toxic stress, such as that caused by experiencing domestic violence or not having a father figure. There is some evidence that girls are protected from early puberty onset by eating a high-fibre diet. And there may be some other environmental and lifestyle factors as well, but they’re hard to measure and poorly understood.

In general, girls get their periods about a year and a half after breast buds start to form (when the nipples enlarge and start to stick out and breast tissue forms right around the nipples; what we used to call “cone boobs”).

So what can you do as a parent to help keep this kind of story from happening to your little one? You can do what you can to delay its onset by providing her a healthy diet, ensuring she gets enough sleep, has father figures in her life, and developing open lines of communication so that she will confide in you.

The other main takeaway is that you need to have age-appropriate discussions about periods and puberty with your little girl.

The first sign of puberty is breast budding and pubic hair, so if you see those signs early, we’d recommend starting to talk about periods and sending your little one with a pad in her bag so that she’s prepared.

Having those conversations is hard, which is why Sheila, Katie, Rebecca, and Sheldon created The Whole Story. It’s a great launch pad for you to talk through actual practical advice for girls in an age-appropriate way. I especially appreciate that they talk through things like how to swim while on your period. The courses are custom by age and gender and they’re a really great overview. And there’s also an activity where you can make an emergency kit for your daughter with her!

And, of course, the boys’ version helps boys understand what they go through during puberty, and introduces them to periods as well.

You're telling me WHAT goes WHERE?!

Talking about sex with your kids doesn't always go smoothly.

That's why we created The Whole Story, our online course that walks parents through the tough conversations and does the hard parts for you!

Learn More!

With so many girls getting their first periods at 11, 10, or even 9, we need to be prepared.

Were you prepared for your first period? Did you know what was going to happen? Let’s talk in the comments!

Joanna Sawatsky

Blog Contributor & Co-Author on the upcoming The Great Sex Rescue!

Joanna Daigle Sawatsky holds a Master of Public Health degree and is a trained microbiologist, epidemiologist, and statistician. After a year and a half of infertility, she and her husband, Josiah, welcomed Mariana Grace into their lives just 72 hours after she defended her thesis. A Pittsburgh native who somehow ended up in the Arctic with her husband and two little girls. ENFJ, 1
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