Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 53

How A Breast Cancer Fight Affects Intimacy

I get so many questions from women who are fighting breast cancer, or who have come through the other side, wondering what happens now?

Have we lost intimacy? Will our marriage survive?

I’ve watched many friends, my sister-in-law, and even my mother walk through breast cancer. And over this last year I’ve watched my friend Ann Mainse from afar (well, from Facebook) as she highlighted the struggles she was facing, with her husband Ron by her side.

I’ve known Ann for many years. I sat on the couch with her a few times on 100 Huntley Street, where she used to host (she’s on the far left; I’m second to the right). And I’ve shared the stage with her at different events.

But most of all, I know Ann as someone who has tried to dedicate her life to pursuing Christ and showing others what healthy relationships look like. She and Ron run an amazing marriage ministry and co-host the TV show A Better Us.

Ann’s recently written “Coffee with Him“, a very raw and honest series of devotionals for women walking through painful times, whether it’s cancer or miscarriages or betrayals or even COVID, and I invited her to share some thoughts about her cancer fight and her marriage with us today.

Like a diamond, there are so many facets to marriage.

On your wedding day, whether they were revealed or not, you committed to them all.

The intricate cuts. The light-bending angles. The minute imperfections.

Some of its colours are rainbow vibrant and others are storm-cloud gray. But no matter the hues, they all come together to form the larger picture of a beautifully flawed masterpiece-in-the-making.

And that’s how it should be.

It’s what we committed to at the altar.

But what happens when some outside force steps in and threatens to alter the colours of what the two of you are creating? To change the picture?

What happens when one of you gets cancer?

One month before our 35th wedding anniversary, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. And immediately my life changed.

But not in the way you might think.

It was as if someone had suddenly placed a clarifying filter on the picture of my life. One that sharpened the hazy spots and enhanced the dimmer colours.

It was a filter that, for me, redefined intimacy.

For many of us, the word intimacy conjures up what we would consider the ultimate intimate act… sex. And rightly so. Sex is a beautiful expression of a deep and lasting commitment. And let’s face it, it’s fun!

Ann and Ron Mainse

The problem comes when we use sex to define our primary form of intimacy.

For true intimacy isn’t so much an action as it is an attitude. It’s a mindset that sees the deepest part of our spouse and in turn offers the deepest part of ourself.

It’s risky. It’s breath-stealing. It’s glorious.

And to borrow from C.S. Lewis, that kind of deeper intimacy is “the love on which the engine of marriage is run.”

That’s not to diminish our need for a passionate, physical connection. It’s just to put that expression into proper perspective.

And sometimes it takes something like cancer to remind us of that.

True intimacy: wild passion, yes… but tender moments too.

And the latter was made crystal clear to me while I was going through three months of chemotherapy…

As you can imagine, chemo took its toll on my body.

I experienced ALL of the side-effects. From extreme nausea… to debilitating fatigue… to diminished appetite… to total hair loss. And that last one was the worst.

As women, our hair is a huge part of how we present ourselves. It’s the first focus of our “look.” For some, rightfully or not, it represents identity. For me, it’s what my husband, Ron, said he first noticed about me. The beautiful 18-year-old blonde.

And now that identity was gone.

When the chemo caused my hair to fall out, I went completely bald. Completely. Shiny-skin bald. A devastating, daily humbling reality. One I had to come to terms with.

Ann Mainse Breast Cancer

Ron with Ann at her sixth chemo treatment.

Over the course of those months of treatments, quite often Ron would lead me to a comfy chair and gently massage my scalp with lotion. It felt wonderful.

But that’s not all. Ron would then do something even more special.

Without fail, to end the massage, he would tenderly kiss that shiny skin and then whisper the words, “I love this beautiful head.”

That is intimacy.

There are times in the making of the masterpiece of your marriage that you’re forced to blend the colours. The definition between light and dark gets blurred, and you do your best to bring beauty out of the chaos.

During those times, you need to remember something. Don’t be afraid of the process.

Don’t be afraid to confront the hard times, and in the process redefine what you hold most dear in your relationship.

Don’t be afraid to trudge through unfamiliar territory together, sharing the same step, protecting the same heart.

Don’t be afraid of the process.

For if you let it, this process will reveal a depth in what you’re creating that transcends any surface beauty.

And you will go deeper together.

And you will be closer than ever.

Such is the case with intimacy.

Such is the case with love.

“To love and to cherish…
For better or worse…
For richer or poorer…
In sickness and in health…”

Coffee with Him is a 31-day devotional for anyone going through a difficult journey, as everyone faces unexpected bumps in the road, whether it be a health issue, a relationship breakdown, financial struggles or something else. As she openly details the trials and triumphs, fears and tears from her own experience fighting cancer, Mainse invites readers facing the tough twists and turns of everyday life to receive comfort, courage, hope and healing from God.

Take me to that!

Have you ever known an even deeper level of intimacy with your spouse through trials? Or have you walked through breast cancer? Let’s talk in the comments!

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Published on July 21, 2020 04:06

Why Are So Many Sex Problems in Marriage So Hard to Solve?

When people write in with sex problems, one of the hardest things is that the problem is often not just one thing.

It would be wonderful if, when people have problems with sex, it were one simple thing, like: “Our relationship is great and everything is wonderful but he’s having occasional erectile dysfunction,” Or “our relationship is great and everything is wonderful but I can’t figure out how to orgasm.”

But it’s rarely that simple. Instead, when people have problems, there’s often quite a lot to untangle.

This month, we’re talking about sex questions you can’t ask your pastor, in celebration of the re-launch of my book 31 Days to Great Sex (which is an awesome and fun challenge for couples!).

Today I wanted to talk about one of the aspects of the emails that I get that I find the most heartbreaking: It’s almost never just one thing.

For instance, I’ll get a question like this:

I’ve been married for eight years now. The first few years were really hard. I found out when I was pregnant with my first that my husband was having an affair with someone from work. He’s stopped that now, and he’s totally recommitted to me, but I find it hard to trust him.

We now have two kids, and we’re really busy and almost always tired. But my husband thinks the affair was a long time ago, and I should be past it. And I really want to be. But the problem is that I don’t feel anything when we have sex. Like nothing. It’s not pleasurable at all. My husband is mad and thinks that I’m holding the affair over his head, and that’s why I don’t like sex. But I’ve never felt anything. I sometimes fear that’s why he had the affair in the first place.

He was laid off during COVID and we’re now living with his parents, but my husband is mad all the time and often just stays out on the back porch drinking beer with his dad while I look after the kids. What do I do? How do I get sex to feel good?

What a scenario! So she has several issues:

Sex has never felt good
They have an affair in the past that seems unresolved
He is expressing anger towards her
He is disconnected from her and the kids
He is drinking too much
They are living with the in-laws

Or here’s another typical one:

We’ve been married for just under a year and we haven’t managed to achieve full penetration yet because I’ve been suffering from vaginismus. We try to do other things, but I haven’t reached orgasm yet. I know my husband is really, really disappointed, and has gotten angry at times. I also found out soon after our honeymoon that he’s had a porn addiction since he was in his early teens. He said that he’s had it under control for a few years, but I caught him a month in to our marriage watching porn. He promised he wouldn’t do it again, and I know that he did talk to one of the counselors at church, but I don’t know if he’s still talking to him. I’m afraid to ask. I’m afraid that he’s turning to porn again recently because we had a big blow up last month when he said that I wasn’t getting better. He hasn’t been coming to bed with me anymore, and he’s staying up late, and I’m afraid he’s using porn because he’s not asking me to help him climax anymore. What should I do?

So what are this couple’s problems?

They have untreated vaginismus
He has a porn addiction
He’s likely using porn again
They aren’t communicating
He is angry

Yikes. I look at these types of questions and I just think: Oh, my word. If it was one of those things, we could deal with it. But when it’s all those problems all at once, how do you untangle them?

And isn’t that what usually happens? Problems grow on problems and it becomes a tangled mess.

5 principles for untangling complicated sex and marriage problems
1. Address physical and emotional safety issues first

Sex can’t fix a broken relationship. Sex is a vital part of a healthy marriage–but healthy is the key word there. Sex is supposed to be a deeply intimate experience that reflects the relationship you already have, and then fuels that same intimacy.

But sex, outside of intimacy, can’t fix anything. It can make it seem temporarily like the problems are under the radar, or it can make it seem as if you’re on a better trajectory, but if the underlying issues aren’t dealt with, they’ll just snowball.

Not just that, but women’s sexual response is often greatly hindered if the relationship isn’t safe or healthy. So trying to fix a sex problem in the presence of major relationship issues isn’t going to work in most cases anyway.

When you’re looking at a whole big mess, then, ask yourself: Do I feel physically safe? If not, please call an abuse hotline, the authorities, or get some help.

But sometimes the issue is emotional safety. If your spouse is getting angry at you for things you can’t control, that isn’t emotionally safe, and that needs to be dealt with. Seek out a licensed counselor if you can. But it’s also okay to say, “your anger at me over something that I can’t do anything about is making the problem worse. I need to know that I am safe with you, and that means that I am free of your anger.”

These posts may also help:

A Letter to a Woman with a Controlling Husband
How Do I Admit to Myself I’m Being Abused

2. Address sin issues next

Okay, now let’s move down to the next most urgent thing to address: Is there a sin issue that is impeding the marriage? Porn use would obviously qualify, as would excessive drinking (I have a hard time with this one, because I have known some spouses to say that their spouse has a drinking problem when they drink one beer after work; and others who try to ignore the alcoholism in front of them. If your spouse is drinking multiple drinks at a time, and if your spouse is using alcohol to deal with emotions or relationship issues, that is a problem. An occasional drink, however, is usually not).

If there is a porn issue, or an affair, or a different addiction, you need to face it head on. No more secrecy. No more worrying about it, but being afraid to ask. That secrecy is like a huge axe hovering over your marriage, waiting to fall. You can’t live like that. Seek out a counselor to talk this through with, or seek out a mentor couple or a friend that your spouse respects that you can ask to help you address this.

Yes, perhaps it was the stress of an underlying issue in your marriage or sex life that triggered a relapse or that left your spouse weakened to temptation. But sin is still their fault. Even if there are bigger issues in the relationship that also have to be dealt with, you cannot deal with those relationship or sex issues if there’s a huge sin problem there.

It’s like I wrote about last year when I was talking about the stance that Focus on the Family was taking towards affairs: No, the solution to an affair is not to understand the role you played in it. The solution is to first deal with the affair and put it behind you, and then, and only then, do you address what else was going on in the relationship. You deal with the vow-breakers before you deal with the other stuff.

Again, if someone is breaking vows, and porn use and affairs are breaking vows, or endangering the relationship as other addictions do, those are the top priorities. Fixing a sex life cannot fix those things, and you also need to feel safe before you can really fix a sex life. You can’t fix what’s wrong with sex with a metaphorical gun to your head, which is what you’re doing if you’re addressing sex before the affair or the porn. It’s like saying, “Unless we get the sex right, he’ll continue to cheat on me.” That’s just too much pressure, and will make the problems worse.

Even if there are deep issues in the marriage which you may have contributed to, you don’t deal with them by breaking vows. You deal with them by seeking counseling, by addressing them head on, by getting healthier. There is not an excuse for an affair.

3. Address communication issues and work on relationship

Okay, now that you feel safe and you’ve addressed sin issues, let’s work on the relationship (again, not sex!).

Often when there’s a problem in the bedroom you start to feel distant from one another because you’re both so insecure. You feel disappointed and ashamed in yourself if you’re not responding sexually the way you want to, and you become defensive and worried that he doesn’t really love you or that he’s angry. He feels rejected, and it’s all a big mess.

So let’s go back to what you once did well! Before you married, you were friends, right? You know how to be friends. Go back and be friends once again. Get some hobbies to do as a couple. Try my conversation starters. Try carving out time everyday to share your “high” and “low” of the day. Go back to doing things together and talking together. Even try my free 5-week emotional reconnection course!

Incidentally, I have a lot of these things available as freebies when you sign up for my email list. So sign up, and you’ll get access to all kinds of downloads that can help your marriage!

When you start talking again, you bring the tension level down in your marriage. When the tension level is lower, then it’s much easier to deal with some of these emotional landmines that come with sex problems.

4. Address any day-to-day issues that would make solving the problems easier

Okay, one last thing before we address the sex issues: Is there anything with the way that you are living your day-to-day life that is adding stress and pressure that you could potentially change?

I know switching jobs in the middle of COVID isn’t possible for so many, but perhaps you can find different living arrangements; you could move to a cheaper community; you could move closer to people who could help you with childcare or where you have a more natural community. You could plan for a way to move out of a less-than-ideal housing situation.

You could ask other people for help with childcare if you’re overwhelmed. You could ask some friends for help to deep clean your house or organize your house and then get you on a plan to keep it organized so that your home wasn’t so stressful. You could ask for help for getting kids to sleep through the night or getting a good bedtime routine so that you have your life back in the evenings.

Whatever it may be–reducing the overall stress in your life and creating more margins again lowers the tension level, and allows you breathing room to deal with sex.

Has My Sexual Past Doomed My Marriage?

If you’ve been promiscuous in the past, is your future marriage doomed?

We’re in the middle of our Sex Questions You Can’t Ask Your Pastor series this month, and this week we’ve been focusing on newlywed sex questions–including our newlywed sex question podcast!

I was promiscuous as a teen for a few years. Sometimes it haunts me more than others. I also think I have a sexual problem that makes me overly attracted to men too quickly. I fear that I’m wasting my life being absorbed in thinking about sex and men vs. really becoming someone I want to be…I also fear I won’t meet someone one day who can both look past my mistakes, and who I can feel like I love completely in a way that is fully satisfying for both of us. I am afraid my past sexual experiences will overshadow the one I have in marriage, if I ever get married.

What a sad question!

I want to comment on two things quickly, and then I want to turn it over to you all.

First, I do see some alarm bells in how she says that she tends to get overly attracted and involved with men too quickly. That could be a sign of attachment issues and trauma in her background, and I would strongly recommend that she see a licensed counselor to talk through those things. I’m worried that without seeing a counselor first, she opens herself up to making bad decisions about who to marry, and that’s a big thing to have to overcome.

The second is a bigger issue that’s really what I want to talk about today.

Just because you have a sexual past does not mean that you can’t have great sex in marriage.

Let me reiterate again: I do believe that God wants us to save sex for marriage, and I think there are very good reasons for this. If you think about it, in ancient societies, what promoted stability? What helped protect children and women? It was marriage. If people had to get married to have sex, then two things would happen: babies would only be born in marriage, and men would have to care for women their whole lives, not just when they were bearing or nursing their babies. So it promoted stability.

But it also allowed love to flourish, and built a community based around love and commitment and not temporary pleasures where we would use each other.

I think we often forget those big picture societal reasons because we live in such a different world today, but they are important. Saving sex for marriage encourages commitment and love.

And then what about sex itself? When you save sex for marriage, then sex becomes about far more than just the physical. Sex becomes a deep “knowing”, because it is paired with commitment, which allowed trust. And trust allows vulnerability, which is really the key to women’s sexual response.

There are other reasons, of course, but those are the big picture ones.

Now here’s the thing: I don’t believe that saving sex for marriage guarantees you a remarkably better PHYSICAL experience when making love.

As I said on Monday, in our post about newlywed sex questions, the key to sexual pleasure is not a wedding ring; it’s figuring out arousal.

In our focus groups for our upcoming book The Great Sex Rescue, and in many comments that I’ve had on the blog over the years, it’s quite clear to me that women’s experiences physically are all over the map. Some have orgasmic sex before marriage and then have trouble afterwards; some have sex before marriage that isn’t pleasurable, and then it still isn’t pleasurable afterwards. Some find that getting married actually improves sex. And some wait for marriage and have a great time right off the bat, and some wait for marriage and struggle for years.

In my surveys for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I did find that those who waited for marriage had marginally better sex lives–they rated them about 10% better on a scale of 1-10.

But 10% is not like 80%. Or 70%. Or even 25%. It’s only 10%.

And that means that the effect size is not huge.

What usually determines how much you enjoy sex is your relationship with your spouse, your feelings about sex, and a whole host of other factors.

One of those factors, yes, is our sexual history. But it is not the main one.

But I’ll tell you what a big one is: GUILT. When we feel guilty about what we’ve done, or ashamed for what we’ve done, or when we feel like we have lost “a precious treasure that we can never get back”, which is how purity culture talked about virginity, then, yes, it’s hardly surprising if sex after your marriage isn’t that great.

I understand wishing that your past could be different, but I also believe Romans 8:1: “There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”

And I also believe that when we marry, we become one flesh. That means that God sees as a new relationship, and we don’t need to take all of this baggage in with us. It’s okay to start fresh. (And 31 Days to Great Sex is a great way to do that! And it’s available again!)

I don’t have time to write a super long post today because we have some podcasts to record and we have some big edits on The Great Sex Rescue we have to finish today, so I’m hoping that you will all finish this conversation in the comments for me.

What would you say to a woman (or a man) who asks: “Have we ruined our married sex lives by having a sexual past?” How can we have a healthier discussion around this? Let’s talk!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8
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Published on July 17, 2020 04:55

PODCAST: Newlywed Sex Questions Edition

This week on our podcast is all newlywed sex questions!

Welcome to episode 65 of our To Love, Honor and Vacuum podcast–and the third podcast that is also up on YouTube! So you can watch & listen or just listen!

We’re in the middle of our Sex Questions You Can’t Ask Your Pastor series, to celebrate the launch of 31 Days to Great Sex, my awesome book that challenges couples to work step-by-step to build an amazing sex life. Experience real breakthroughs while you laugh along the way!

Normally on the podcast my daughter Rebecca joins me, but this week Katie jumped in, since she’s the more newlywed of my two daughters. Plus she edits the videos. Plus I was visiting her. So it all works out! And, hey, it’s time I scarred her by making her talk about this stuff with me and not just her big sister!

Listen to the Podcast Here

Browse all the Different Podcasts

Listen to the Last “Start Your Engines” (Men’s) Podcast

Or watch right here!

We tackled these questions:

1. My wedding’s coming up and I’m anxious about sex

I’m getting married this summer, and the closer I get, the more nervous I get about sex. I’m about to start reading The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and love listening to your podcast and reading blog posts, you’ve really helped me a lot, but I need help.

My parents never really talked about sex much, and so even now, after learning so much from you and finally talking to my mother more after getting engaged, it makes me nervous. Not only because it feels so foreign though (and I HATE unknowns), but also because I have health issues. I have a wonderful fiancé who takes care of me and truly wants to serve me through this and make me feel good, but doing anything new physically scares me. I have terrible migraines and a form of POTS that have been so bad lately that it makes me worry about. . . anything. Everything. I hate it, and I’m trying to focus on God’s word and find peace. But this is one area that just keeps bringing up my anxiety, and I don’t know what to do.

He’s already told me he just wants to make sure I feel comfortable, that I’m at home, not too push myself, we’ll take it slow and he just wants me to feel at home (we’re spending the first night at our apartment), but as we get nearer, I’m afraid my natural penchant for worry and anxiety, as well as my fear over my health issues, might shut it all down. It all just makes me nervous, and I do want to make our honeymoon special, with us both feeling good, and without my ending up with a flare-up of symptoms.

Great question–and I’m glad she has The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex!

I gave all sorts of thoughts about anxiety, especially when it’s combined with chronic illness, and I hope it helped.

I will also say that talking about things well before the wedding can help so much. That’s what we designed The Honeymoon Prep Course to help with, too–make these conversations easier, and know what to expect once you’re married. And remember: the goal is not intercourse right away. It’s arousal and figuring out what feels good!

Are you ready for the honeymoon you always dreamed of?

The Honeymoon Course is here to help you plan the perfect honeymoon and start your marriage (and your sex life!) off with laughter, joy and fun!

Don’t make the same mistakes other couples have–get it right from the beginning!

Learn more

I think I get too wet during sex

A woman who hasn’t experienced an orgasm yet writes in:

I have been reading (and thoroughly enjoying) the Good Girls guide to Great Sex. My husband and I have been married for a few years. We are both Christians, and I am his first sexual partner (and we waited until after our vows for intercourse.) However, regretfully he is not my first. I wish I had waited for sure because that is something so special that my husband was able to give me that I was not able to give him completely, but thankfully this does not really seem to affect intercourse as far as I can tell.

We both seem have healthy sex drives. As far as I know I have not yet reached an orgasm but also not trying to dwell on it as I know this will only make matters worse! We have a baby and have been adjusting back into a more intimate relationship and all has been wonderful!

Anyways, although I enjoy intercourse, i don’t really get much from it other than the satisfaction of knowing my husband is satisfied and that it is a wonderful time to bring us closer to each other.

Tonight I experienced something different. Things were going pretty well and I noticed being able to feel more and did my best to stay focused and in the moment when suddenly I realized I couldn’t really feel anything … I wasn’t sure if my husband was still inside (I couldn’t feel him) or what exactly was going on… so I told my husband that I thought I was too wet to feel anything at the moment … so we moved around and changed positions. Well we resumed intercourse and he was able to finish … and I tried not to focus on “messing up the moment” (and he didn’t seem bothered by it at all either) but I was just wondering if there is anything to be done to avoid this. We didn’t use any extra lubricant it was just me…

Big thoughts: Do Kegels! Female ejaculation is a thing (although it’s usually accompanied by orgasm). And it’s okay to to try to have an orgasm!

You may also enjoy:

The Secret to Orgasm: Listening to Your Body
10 Tips for Newlyweds Who Haven’t Reached Orgasm Yet

Help! I Giggle After Sex

A woman writes in with what she considers an embarrassing problem: She giggles after orgasm:

I’ve had an issue with giggling after having an orgasm, 40-50% of the time. It would bother my ex-husband every time it happened. I tried explaining to him that I was not in any way laughing at him and promising to attempt to put a stop to it the next time I felt like giggling. I noticed that the giggling happens after a particularly large rush of happiness and contentment after an orgasm and tried to explain to him that it was my satisfaction that was causing it but it still left him angry with me. Inevitably it would happen again and another argument would start. It eventually lead me to no longer want sex because of the fear of giggling and starting another argument.

When we did have sex, I was concentrating so much on keeping myself from giggling in the end that I was unable to really enjoy myself and was usually left feeling unsatisfied. I am now engaged to a wonderful man and he has been respectful of me wanting to wait until we are married to have sex. My main reason for this has been because I am fearful of giggling after an orgasm and upsetting him just like I did to my ex-husband. Is this something that is normal? Any tips or advice on talking about this with my fiancé?

We get a big hormone “high” after orgasm, and some people really react to hormone levels changing quickly when orgasm subsides. For some it results in “post-sex blues“, and for others it can lead to giggling. There isn’t anything wrong with this at all (although if you find yourself depressed or anxious or sad after orgasm, please see your doctor, because you’re also at higher risk for postpartum depression).

The bigger question here is how do you make sure you’re marrying a good guy this time? I hope she is, but I’ve written a lot about how to find a man with good character.

What if you’re a newlywed with a higher sex drive than your husband?

Here’s a question from a woman where they’re still trying to figure out their new “normal”:

With me and my husband, I am the one with the higher libido. We have been married for a few months and our sex life is very healthy and quite regular, but we have found that this has been a bit difficult to manage.

1) My husband sometimes feels that he is unable to keep up with my desires and feels inadequate and as if he is “underperforming”. I am careful not to be pushy but he says he often can tell right away because I get “Hungry Eyes” (That specific look in my eyes when I want him).

2) There has been some trouble with me feeling undesired.He goes out of the way to call me beautiful, show me love in all kinds of ways. However, because I am the one making the advances it sometimes leaves me feeling as though I am not as desirable to him as he is to me. This can leave me feeling distant and insecure.

3) Our intimate relationship can sometimes be sporadic and inconsistent . My husband can get flustered or gives up on “trying to satisfy me” . In the beginning of our marriage we were having sex nightly if not more. Much of which he initiated. Then it dropped to 5 times a week, and over the past month there have been stretches where we go 4-5 days without anything. This can cause frustration from him because he “can’t please me/keep up with me” (which couldn’t be further from the truth). In turn I become frustrated from that because the same thing that is frustrating him is the same thing holding him back.

4) Sometimes sex can be too intense for me to really enjoy. I feel that the closeness I am longing to feel, is overshadowed because my body is experiencing a lot of distraction from my husband.

It’s a long one, but one thing that occurs to me is that they’ve overthinking things–which is so easy to do in the early days when you have all these expectations of what things are supposed to be like, and then you’re trying to live up to those things.

It’s a journey. It’s okay if it takes a while to get to exactly where you want to go!

Anyway, listen in to our answers to this (and the rest!). And thanks to Katie for filming with me today!

And if you’re a newlywed trying to work out the equilibrium in your sex life, pick up 31 Days to Great Sex! it will help you have those conversations; help you spend different days focusing on him and her, so that it’s not all a big hodge podge of pressure; and put the fun and laughter back into sex!

Check out 31 Days!

Have any words of wisdom for any of our readers today? Or want to say hi to Katie? Leave a comment!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8
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Published on July 16, 2020 04:59

How to Awaken Love…or at Least Stop Feeling Like You’re Broken!

The title of this post may sound corny, but do you remember that verse about awakening love in Song of Solomon?

Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.

Song of Solomon 3:5

Many of us have never had our “love” truly awakened.

I think what this verse was trying to say is that desire is a potent force, and we should not awaken it or nurture it or flame it until we’re in a place that it can find its object. Let’s not awaken desire too early, often because when we do that, we actually pour water onto desire.

For some of us “love” was awakened too early, or too abruptly, and so it didn’t truly awake at all.

This week, as 31 Days to Great Sex launches, I’ve been focusing on sex questions that newlyweds often ask. But this is a problem that often extends beyond the newlywed years: what if desire seems dead, like you were cut off at the knees, and you’ve got some big missing gaping hole in your sexuality that you can’t seem to figure out?

For many of us, that big gaping hole is desire. It’s like it was short circuited, and we can’t seem to get it back.

Several routes to this disastrous awakening exist.

Maybe you were sexually active at a young age, but you felt little pleasure

The first is quite commonplace: you may have been sexually active at a young age, and never really felt desire. Many teenage girls who are sexually active (even if it’s just petting) don’t necessarily experience arousal, orgasm, or even much at all. The guys aren’t really into giving the girls pleasure; they’re too young and immature. And often the girls are doing things to keep the relationship or so they can feel grown up and loved, rather than just feel pleasure. So your body doesn’t necessarily learn how to become aroused, and sex isn’t that exciting.

Please know: I’m not saying that you developed “soul ties” with these guys that make it impossible to feel connected to your spouse today. I’m just saying that when we’re sexual with someone and the pleasure isn’t there, we can cement the idea that sex isn’t really for us; that our bodies don’t really respond. And that can hurt us in the long run.

Maybe you were sexually active at a young age, but DID feel pleasure–and now it seems to have gone

The Christian view of sex is that it is designed for marriage, and so sex outside of a committed, marriage relationship should not be pursued.

Sometimes, though, I fear that in our quest to help young people wait for marriage for sex, we mistakenly give the impression that all sex after marriage is acrobatic, passionate, and amazing, while all sex before marriage is a major dud.

I don’t think we should have to bribe young people to do the right thing, and I think we’d be far better off if we told the truth: A wedding ring is not the secret to orgasm. God wants us to wait for marriage for sex not so that sex will be better (although studies, including my own, do show that it’s marginally better if you wait), but because He wants to protect us from a variety of things, including heartache, pregnancy when we’re not ready, or even abandonment. Saving sex for marriage encourages a community based on commitment, which is better for everyone.

And saving sex for marriage also makes commitment and love the basis for sex, rather than simply desire or pleasure.

So what happens when you did have sex before you were married, and it WAS awesome, and it was orgasmic? Sometimes sex after marriage seems ho-hum. Because orgasm was paired with risk, or with a focus on “newness” or pleasure, then when it’s no longer new, when it’s no longer risky, when it’s about love and commitment and the same guy always, it can seem like it just doesn’t turn you on anymore.

When we have sex, we do release a hormone called oxytocin, which is the bonding hormone. God made our bodies so that, in sex, we’d actually feel bonded and closer to our spouses. It’s a chemical reaction. But when that reaction was with someone with whom there wasn’t commitment, then it’s as if bonding and desire are no longer paired.

Not everyone who is promiscuous before marriage experiences this (though we’re warned about it always!), but for some people, this does affect desire. Again, desire was awakened too early.

Maybe you were trained to repress desire rather than to awaken desire

You knew that you shouldn’t go too far when you’re making out, but you’re also taught that your boyfriend won’t be able to stop. Boys don’t want to stop and can’t stop, so the girl has to be the gatekeeper. He’s the accelerator; you’re the brakes!

We had an interesting talk on the blog a few months ago about this “gatekeeper” phenomenon and how it affects women once we’re married. We’re taught that we are responsible both for our own purity and for his, and so we can’t relax while we’re making out.

His hands are moving everywhere, he’s getting excited, but what you’re thinking is, “Should I stop this now? How excited is he getting? How close to the line are we getting? Should I stop now? Now? Now?”

Meanwhile, he’s able to let himself go and enjoy himself, often because he knows that you will be the one to stop. So he doesn’t need to hold back.

(Note: some guys were gatekeepers, too, but we did find that this was a common scenario among women that we interviewed recently).

What’s happened? You’ve taught yourself to be outside of yourself when you’re being sexual. You’re “spectatoring”, as one of our focus group members called it. Instead of feeling, you’re judging what’s going on. And that’s very hard to get out of. You’ve trained your body to push desire down and repress desire, rather than let it flow.

You may also enjoy:

How Did Being a Sexual Gatekeeper Affect You?
Why gatekeeping stops women from listening to their bodies

Maybe you were exposed to sexually stimulating content before you were ready for it

You saw the Playboy magazines in your uncle’s garage when you were 11, and it made you feel funny, and now you can’t get those images out of your head.

You read that adult romance novel when you were 12, and it fuelled a desire for more.

You got sucked into porn at a young age, and even though you don’t watch it today, those images are still there. You can only get turned on by thinking about really graphic things you’d never want to do in real life.

For most millennial and Generation Z adults, the first time they were truly aroused was not when they were in a committed, safe relationship, but instead when they were exposed to pornography or erotica.

It was porn that awakened love, and that perverts desire. It makes it really difficult to become aroused with your spouse. Desire is often paired with things that you would never want to do, but that’s what your body equates with sexual arousal and response.

Maybe desire was awakened in an ugly way

Then there’s the most heartbreaking one. Maybe you were sexually abused and assaulted, and that has marred desire.

For some sexual abuse survivors, the abuse led to a real aversion to sexual activity.

For others, there’s an additional layer of shame, because their body actually reacted. It’s called arousal nonconcordance: your body becomes aroused even when your mind doesn’t want to, and when you don’t want to. Even if you’re petrified, grossed out, and scared.

Yet because you became physically aroused, you think that at some level you wanted it.

Not true.

Arousal nonconcordance is very widespread. It’s why some rape victims reach orgasm, even when they’re petrified and scared. Some researchers even think that the fight, flight, or freeze response that kicks in when we’re terrified or threatened can trigger sexual response, because certain emotions and hormones are so heightened.

Whether you experienced nonconcordance or not, sexual abuse exposes children and teens to sexuality when they didn’t want it. It makes sexuality into something that is something threatening that is done to you, rather than something where you willingly express what you’re feeling.

If you are a sexual assault survivor, please see a licensed counselor who is trained in evidence-based trauma therapies. You can move forward, but counseling that is not trauma-informed can actually set you back. Please seek out someone qualified, and have them help you find the healing God wants for you.

What happens when “love” was awakened too early–when desire was awakened too early–in the wrong context?

You never truly “awakened” love. You may have learned about sexuality (even if in an ugly context). You may have experienced arousal, or you may have paired sexual activity with deliberate NON-arousal. In whatever case, the relationship between arousal, desire, and married sex was somehow marred.

Many women are in this situation. They just don’t see what all the fuss with sex is about. It seems like everyone is lying to them. The whole culture is trying to con women into thinking it’s something great, so that you’ll want to make love all the time, but the truth is it’s not that great at all. You feel like it was designed for men, and it’s all a big rip off.

Your love was awakened too early, and in the wrong way.

And chances are you’ve become a little bitter about sex. It’s just something else on your to-do list. And then you read on blogs like this one and others that Christian women are supposed to understand how much their husbands need sex, and you’re supposed to put out. Oh, great. That’s really fun now, isn’t it?

And I understand. Believe me, I do. But I also think that there’s a way past this.

Maybe what you need to do is to awaken love again–for real this time.

Maybe it means taking a sexual hiatus for a few weeks, where you just simply touch each other and find what feels good. When you do that, the pressure is off. You’re not working towards a goal. You’re just taking time to explore. Lie naked together and just touch each other. Let him touch you and figure out what actually feels good. Have baths together.

That’s what 31 Days to Great Sex can help you with. You can talk through some of your earliest memories of sex, and understand how you may have equated desire with something ugly. And then you can start awakening in a safe, healthy way without pressure. You’ll explore and learn what does feel good. He’ll learn how to take his time. He’ll learn that your arousal and desire are multi-faceted, and depend on you feeling safe in the relationship. He’ll learn that he needs to take his time!

Please know, even if love was awakened too early, you can still re-awaken it.

I think that’s what God loves to do–restore that which was broken. All of creation is broken, but Jesus is always working towards wholeness. You’re meant to experience real passion, and you can get there. And I hope that the exercises in 31 Days to Great Sex can help you get there!

Check it out!

What do you think? Was “love” ever awakened too early for you? Share your story in the comments!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8
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Published on July 15, 2020 04:16

Why It’s 31 Days TO Great Sex

Today, the updated 31 Days to Great Sex launches again!

For years, I published it myself, and it sold wonderfully. But I decided that I wanted it to go bigger than just my blog, so I sold it to Zondervan, and then updated it, changed some of the challenges based on the feedback I’ve had over the years, and added a ton of supplementary ideas and tips!

And I REALLY love it.

And, after being unavailable for six months, you can get it again–along with all the new bells and whistles!

Wonderful book! Helped me get more focused and back on track with my husband after 4 kids in 4 years….I was tired and needed some help!

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Published on July 14, 2020 05:34

10 Quick Newlywed Sex Questions You Can’t Ask Your Pastor

Engaged women and newlyweds often have a lot of questions about sex!

What will it feel like? Will it hurt? How do we make it feel good?

This month, in the Mondays in July, we’re talking about sex questions you can’t ask your pastor (and in our podcasts, too!). And I thought today I’d compile a whole bunch of questions that newlyweds often ask me, and try to answer them all in one place.

1. How do I make sex feel good if I’m a virgin?

This is really the biggest question I get! And so let me let you in my biggest piece of advice: When it comes to sex after the wedding, focus less on intercourse and more on arousal.

In the church, we tend to tell people: “Wait for marriage for sex!”

I’d like to change that to: “Wait for marriage for sex–but then don’t have sex until your body is begging for it!”

Sex doesn’t feel good if you’re not aroused yet, and for many women, arousal is the missing piece for orgasm. So if you can work on arousal BEFORE you work on intercourse, and help each other feel good in other ways, you actually set your sex life up to a great start. This is one of the big things we teach in our Honeymoon Prep Course, too!

Other posts that may help:

Arousal: Aim for arousal, not sex!
The arousal podcast

2. Have I doomed our sex life if I’m NOT a virgin?

NO. You really haven’t.

I believe that there are very good reasons to wait for marriage for sex, and that God does want us to wait for marriage for sex. But I think those reasons have more to do with making sex meaningful than they do with making sex pleasurable. And God also wants us to do that for our protection–so that there’s less baggage, less heartache, yes. But also, in the ancient world, so that women would be protected when we got pregnant, and so that we would be protected even after that baby grew up and we weren’t needed anymore (that’s why marriage is for life). It helps bring stability and love and commitment to society.

But the secret to orgasm is not a wedding ring; it’s arousal. Many women who didn’t wait for the wedding have great sex; and many women who did wait for the wedding don’t. (And it goes the other way, too). And it should not threaten our Christian view of sex if people who had sex before their wedding do still enjoy sex. I think we try to sell waiting for the wedding for sex to kids by promising them amazing sex if they wait, but that’s just not the way it works.

I do know, though, that so many women feel guilty about having sex before the wedding that shame becomes a big part of your sex life. Once you’re married, you need to try to put that behind you.

Here are some posts that can help:

A letter to the woman who feels like she’s lost her purity
How to put sexual baggage behind you
How to stop obsessing about your husband’s past

3. How can I have a great wedding night?

Remember the two key things: Relax, relax, relax, and aim for arousal!

That’s really what we teach in the Honeymoon Prep Course! And so much of that is having these conversations in a safe and healthy way with your fiance before the wedding. You need to know what you each expect for the wedding night, and talk about that ahead of time in a way that doesn’t make it too difficult not to rush right to it! Our course has videos that you can watch together, that can help explain how to start sex off well. Plus we talk about how to have hard conversations about porn use, sexual baggage, or anything else that may affect your sex life once you’re married (it’s important to talk about those now!).

Are you ready for the honeymoon you always dreamed of?

The Honeymoon Course is here to help you plan the perfect honeymoon and start your marriage (and your sex life!) off with laughter, joy and fun!

Don’t make the same mistakes other couples have–get it right from the beginning!

Learn more

Other posts you may also enjoy:

Top 10 Wedding Night Tips

4. Engaged women wonder: will sex hurt?

For most women it does a little bit, but often only a little. And it will hurt much less if you bring some lubricant with you and take your time so that you’re already aroused before you start! When i did a survey recently on Facebook and Twitter asking women if they were aroused before they had sex on their wedding night, only 52% said they were. So that’s a lot who weren’t! Take your time, and everything’s much easier.

And if it doesn’t hurt, or you don’t bleed, that’s great! Many women break their hymen earlier in other ways, and some women’s hymens break easily and stretch easily and don’t bleed.

If it does hurt, don’t force anything. Have him stretch you with his fingers, and just relax and try other things and come back to it later. Sometimes you do manage to consummate, but you’ll find that other positions are still uncomfortable for a while. You will get used to it! Remember the two key things: relax, relax, relax! And aim for arousal. Do those two things, and everything should be much easier.

5. Newlyweds ask: What do I do if it hurts so much that we can’t consummate?

For some women, though, pain is a real issue. Sometimes the hymen needs to be surgically removed (in a very small percentage of cases), and sometimes women suffer from a condition called vaginismus where the muscles at the opening to the vagina contract, making penetration painful or impossible. If you’ve been trying to consummate, and you just can’t, see your doctor and ask for a referral to a pelvic floor physiotherapist. About 7% of Christian women do suffer from vaginismus, so you are not alone. But it’s also something that can be treated for many, so please don’t suffer for too long without getting help.

6. How do we learn how to help her reach orgasm?

Other than the importance of arousal, the NEXT biggest insight I want newlywed couples to understand is that we need to throw out our preconceived notions of what sex is supposed to be. We tend to assume that sex = “man thrusts penis into woman’s vagina until he reaches climax,” and it’s assumed that this penetrative intercourse is what is supposed to feel the best for both of you. But really, in our studies what we found was that the majority of women who are able to reach orgasm do not reach it through intercourse alone. In fact, of the women who reliably orgasm, only about 38% of women reach orgasm that way. And many more don’t reach orgasm during intercourse at all–they reach it in other ways.

So the biggest breakthrough in helping her reach orgasm is likely going to be understanding that it’s easier to orgasm in ways OTHER than intercourse. Use manual and/or oral stimulation; start with a big lead up. And relax!

The Secret to Orgasm: Listening to Her Body

7. What do we do if we’ve been married for a while, and we still haven’t reached orgasm?

Don’t feel helpless or wrong or bad or broken! When I did my original surveys when writing The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I found that the best years for sex in marriage were actually years 16-24. They weren’t the honeymoon years. And sex definitely gets better with time. So just because it’s taking a while doesn’t mean you won’t get there or that there’s something wrong with you.

However, it doesn’t NEED to take to year 16 to have great sex. If you haven’t reached orgasm yet, you likely need more foreplay, and you likely even need to make foreplay the main event for a while for her. And 31 Days to Great Sex has a ton of exercises to help you figure out what makes her feel good and what helps her reach orgasm!

This post can help:

10 Tips for Newlyweds Who Haven’t Reached Orgasm Yet

Need more help? Try these!

10 Tips for Newlyweds Who Haven’t Reached Orgasm Yet

Finally Reaching Orgasm–-a Breakthrough

Becoming More Orgasmic

9 Great Sex Tips for Her

8. How do I speak up and tell my husband that I need more foreplay?

There’s no easy way except to say it. “Honey, I know that sex is supposed to feel awesome for both of us, but I think we’re missing something on my end. Can we slow down and figure out what makes me feel good?” And talk about the fact that women don’t reach orgasm through intercourse usually (although many can and that’s a great goal!), but even the women who do do so after a lot of foreplay.

These posts can help:

The Theology of the Clitoris
Why Husbands Need to Understand the Importance of Foreplay
31 Days to Great Sex (with all of its foreplay exercises and exercises to awaken her body)

9. How do I tell my husband if he’s touching me in ways that don’t feel very good?

Okay, I want you to picture yourself in 5 years, or maybe even in 10 years. Imagine what your life will be like if you DON’T speak up–if nothing changes. For the next 5 years, he keeps touching you in ways that turn you off. He never understands what actually feels good. He rushes to intercourse. You get more and more frustrated. He gets frustrated because you don’t like sex. Do you like that future?

I don’t think you do–and yet that is the routine that many women get into because they don’t want to hurt their husbands’ feelings. And that’s really admirable! But the problem is that women deserve to feel pleasure, too. His ego is not more important than her pleasure. And the longer you wait to tell him what feels good, then when you do finally say something–years later, often–he’s even more hurt.

So just try: “I want sex to feel amazing, but I think we’re missing something. Can we do some exploring to figure out what turns me on?” Most guys will jump at that!

Try playing “teacher”, where you order him exactly what to do
Or try having him touch you for 15 minutes, where he’s not allowed to rush it, and have him discover what feels good

And 31 Days to Great Sex has lots of exercises to help with this!

10. I’ve got a problem with our sex life, and I don’t know if this is normal or not.

We just don’t talk about sex in detail very much with our friends, and so sometimes something happens and we don’t know if it’s something weird, bad, or just normal.

Here are two posts that can help (one about red flags, and one about medical issues)

10 signs you should see a doctor about your sex life
10 sex and marriage red flags

So that’s it–10 newlywed sex questions that I get asked a lot.

My inbox is often filled with a variety of these, so I thought it would be nice to have them all in one place so I could point people to them, and then they could follow the rabbit trails!

So those are my newlywed sex tips! Did any stand out to you? Is there anything you would add? Let’s talk in the comments!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8
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Published on July 13, 2020 05:42

If Sex Feels Terrible…How Can You Look Forward to It?

So sex feels terrible. You feel nothing–or maybe even some pain. So how do you look forward to it?

That’s the question that one of our frequent commenters was asking this week, and I feel for her, because I’ve been in her situation. She’s a great commenter (and some of her comments even made it into our upcoming book The Great Sex Rescue!). But I think she touches on something here that many of you might feel, and I’m glad she was so honest.

She writes:

Built-in assumption that sex is fun. It’s not.

Men, if your wife does not enjoy sex and is only doing it for the sake of the marriage, don’t complain about who initiates or about her lack of enthusiasm.

Sorry, bitter. I did all of these things early in our marriage, only to have my husband assume that sex was actually good for me. The reality is that men look at actions and not words, so if you initiate sex, they think it’s amazing for you and don’t understand the magnitude of the changes that need to happen.

On Fridays I like to highlight some of the comments that came in this week and talk more about them, because a lot of people only read my posts, and not the comments, and so they can miss some of the best discussion!

But what I replied to her was this:

I’m truly sorry, Jane, but can I also say that I’ve been there? I really have. Didn’t orgasm. Wasn’t aroused. Suffered from vaginismus.

But I did get through it, and it largely came from getting help for my physical problems, but also thinking about sex differently and prioritizing what I needed.

I completely understand if your husband isn’t making any effort to make sex good for you. But can I suggest, then, that the problem may not be with sex itself, but instead with the sexual dynamic in your marriage? That can actually be a hopeful message. If it’s the dynamic, it can potentially be fixed. If you really think you’re incapable of feeling good sexually, then that’s a really negative message that’s hard to recover from. What if the problem is not sex being terrible, but the way that sex is being done isn’t doing anything for you at all?

Sheila Wray Gregoire

When I got married, sex really didn’t feel very good.

I thought that everybody was lying to me–that all the people saying how great it was were just deceived. Either that, or else I was just broken, and it worked for everyone but me.

But here’s the problem with believing that: sex really will never feel good if you’re sure that it’s going to feel bad.

As I said in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage:

9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage

Keith and I had both waited for marriage to have sex, and we both assumed that it would be wonderful, mind-blowing, and perfectly natural. But it wasn’t. It was awkward, it was messy, and worst of all, it hurt. Whenever Keith wanted to make love, I felt rejected, because he wanted something that made me miserable. My frustration finally grew to the point where I wondered, Why can’t he just love me for me and not for what I can do for him? I accused him of selfishness. Of not loving me. Of being a Neanderthal who couldn’t control his passions.

The more we fought over sex, the more certain I became that he didn’t value me. I felt so lonely, and yet instead of being sympathetic and wrapping me in a bear hug, Keith lobbed accusations right back: “Why don’t you care about my feelings? Why don’t you want me?”

After I had prayed for two exhausting years that he would start caring about me, a thought entered my head: Do you believe the only one who can fix this relationship is Keith? Don’t you have something to do with it? I didn’t particularly like that thought, and so I vehemently argued with myself about why changing was impossible. Even if we only considered sex, how was I supposed to enjoy something so gross and uncomfortable?

Then another thought hit me even harder: If God says that sex is good, and the whole world says that sex is good, maybe you should start figuring out how to make sex good.

I was stunned. If that thought was right, then the responsibility fell on me to do something about my struggle. I had to stop thinking sex was awful and start thinking, Sex is great—I just don’t have it all figured out yet. The problem may have started in the bedroom, but it wasn’t a problem with sex. It was a problem with how I was thinking.

The next few years in our marriage became my big research project into this thing called Us. I decided to conquer this sex issue once and for all, because if God created something this great, no way was I going to miss it! I read books and talked to friends about how to make sex work. I talked to wise mentors about how to deal with past issues that held people back. I studied Keith to glean what made him feel loved. Slowly but surely, I fell madly in love with Keith again. And thankfully, he with me too.

Of course, changing how I thought about sex also meant research into how to make sex great, and it meant a lot of communication, and a lot of work.

But here’s the thing: I don’t think sex gets better, no matter what we do, if we’re still thinking that sex is terrible.

And thinking that sex can be good is actually a matter of faith. When it’s always been terrible, you have absolutely no experience that tells you that it can get better. It’s logical to hate it.

To think it will be good, you have to get back to the idea that God is a good God and He loves you, and He didn’t make sex for everyone but you.

You are not broken.

You are not bad.

You simply are having more challenges than others do.

I’m sorry about that. I’ve been there. But please believe me when I say that it can get better!

Maybe it means seeing a pelvic floor physiotherapist to deal with pain, or him seeing a physician to deal with premature ejaculation or other dysfunction.

Maybe it means doing some big relationship work because you’ve felt so distant in your marriage.

Maybe it means speaking up and telling your husband that things aren’t feeling good and that you need to go back to the beginning and figure out what feels good.

But you can get there!

I do believe that 31 Days to Great Sex can help highlight some of those problems and give you ways to talk about it with your spouse, and i highly recommend it! It doesn’t just work at how to spice things up, but also helps you have conversations about how you feel about sex, helps you uncover what might feel good, helps you get to the bottom of some of these issues, and then slowly, step-by-step, builds up your sex life so that it isn’t only physical, but emotionally and spiritually close, too. Check it out!

And if you just can’t see sex in a good light, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex can help you understand what God made sex to be–and it’s on sale this month, too!

Sex is a journey of discovery in marriage, and for some it’s a much rockier journey than others. I’m glad you’re all here as I try to steer you towards your goal. I know it can be rough. I know there are obstacles. I know it’s tough. But I also believe that you can get there, and I hope and pray that you can believe it, too.

Have you ever given up hope about sex, and then it HAS gotten better? Are you stuck without hope today? Let’s talk in the comments!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8
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Published on July 10, 2020 05:07

PODCAST EXTRAS: Sometimes a Vagina is Just a Vagina

Have more sex questions you can’t ask your pastor?

It’s podcast day–and in the month of July I’m tackling all kinds of awkward sex questions!

(And don’t forget my webinar TONIGHT at 9 pm EST! Your ticket to the webinar covers not just me answering a ton of questions, but also a FREE copy of 31 Days to Great Sex and my 24 Sexy Dares! Check it out).

Today I tackled a number on fantasies, dissociation, and even whether sex toys could have medical application. And, of course, we’ve got our podcast on YouTube now, too, so you can watch and not just listen!

Listen to the Podcast Here

Browse all the Different Podcasts

Listen to the Last “Start Your Engines” (Men’s) Podcast

And here it is if you’d rather watch!

Okay, so let’s look at some of the questions that were asked:

What if you “check out” during sex and fantasize instead?

We had two questions along these lines–one where a husband was doing it and one where a wife was, and wanted to stop.

We have been married over several decades. He started using porn as a teenager and through our first decade of marriage (when I found out). We went through a recovery program and I believe he hasn’t used porn since. He is a wonderful husband and father and I know he loves me. The issue is this – when we are intimate, sometimes I can tell when he’s “checked out” and is imagining something different. The last time this happened, I said “Are you somewhere else?” His response was “Yes, I was outside in the back yard with you”. So basically I pulled him back to reality with me in our bedroom. And then he couldn’t orgasm. It makes me feel like I’m not enough. Even if he’s not fantasizing about someone else, he’s still not with me in the moment. I’m lying there naked, with him, having sex, and I still feel like he’s not there. Am I wrong to feel upset by this?

My struggle with sex in my marriage is that 90% of the pleasure from it is cognitive in nature: fantasy, recalling things from romance novels, or porn. As a woman that is incredibly isolating. My husband is very generous in bed and is frustrated that I’m often not in the mood. We are both Christians, and I am often not in the mood because I am trying to keep my mind pure.

I just am not aroused by thinking of my husband in various scenarios but am far more drawn to fantasy and fiction. He in turn wants to encourage me to read romance novels, imagine anything I want fantasy wise, and even view porn together. I feel caught between my flesh and my spirit. Like my options are puritanical, boring, unfulfilled sex with a pure mind, or hot and dirty sex where my mind is engaged, but I feel awful when I go to church.

I love my husband dearly, but it is a huge struggle because I just don’t feel turned on unless there is something “naughty or wrong” about it and thinking of my husband that way is not only not wrong, it’s expected.

Is it wrong to engage in some of these “extra-curricular activities”, if it makes the sex better between the husband and wife, or is it just always wrong? If it’s always wrong, then what do you do when only thinking of your husband doesn’t cut it for your and you have an overactive mind?

Okay, Rebecca and I went back and forth on this a lot in the podcast, but very quickly, here we go: sex is supposed to be intimate by joining the two of you. If you’re fantasizing about someone else to get aroused (or remembering porn, novels, etc) then you’re using something else to get aroused, focusing on that, and using your spouse more like a sex toy. It’s not an experience WITH your spouse if your brain is somewhere else.

That doesn’t mean that you can’t fantasize about your spouse while you’re having sex, or that sexy thoughts or wrong. And everyone has fantasies to a certain extent, and these can actually reveal quite a bit about our sexuality (maybe more on that a different day). It’s just that we shouldn’t be needing to get different scenarios in our heads involving different people to get aroused.

Here are some other posts that can help:

Is watching porn together okay if we both agree?
How do I stop fantasizing while we’re making love?

31 Days to Great Sex also has a day when we specifically talk about how to stay mentally present when you make love, and how to talk to your spouse about it if you’re fighting having to fantasize to get aroused, so that you can learn how to listen to your body instead. If this is a conversation you need to have, 31 Days to Great Sex can help you have it so it’s not as awkward!

Check it out!

My Husband Prefers Oral Sex to Intercourse

A woman writes:

Wondering what your advice would be for my situation- I’ve been married to my husband for well over a decade. I was fairly young when we got married and it took me a few years before my first orgasm. My husband struggles with premature ejaculation but we seem to have found ways to work around it (delay sprays/ condoms) which has definitely helped . However, my husband , given the choice, would always pick oral sex over intercourse. He “compromises” with sex and says if we are being sexual together then that is sex. He feels because he takes time with foreplay for me that he should get the same amount of time on foreplay for him. I didn’t realize guys need foreplay as they always seem ready lol. I don’t mind doing it occasionally if it makes him happy but I just feel that it’s not the same as intercourse (or what God intended) I just don’t feel the same connection. Are we both being selfish? Really not sure how to move forward from this.

I actually get this one a lot–where a husband especially would rather forego intercourse and just get oral sex. In this case, it’s likely a multi-faceted issue because intercourse is stressful since he suffers from premature ejaculation.

I’d just say that sex is supposed to be mutual. Having sex where one person gets served and the other doesn’t isn’t right. So spend a ton of time on foreplay. Make sure that she is reaching orgasm in some way. Don’t forsake intercourse but keep trying the techniques. And every now and then, by all means, make sex about him. But this shouldn’t be a regular occurrence.

Top 10 Tips for Initiating Sex with Your Husband

Out of the last five times you’ve made love, how many have you initiated sex, and how many has your husband initiated?

If you say he’s initiated all 5, that could be a problem!

Now, I know sometimes you just start making love because you’re kissing and snuggling, and it’s not clear WHO initiated. It just happened (all the more reason to go to bed at the same time, so that things can “just happen”!). And sometimes he has a really low sex drive, and so the whole initiation pattern is thrown off.

But quite often we get into this rut where he wants sex more than you do, and so he’s the one who always initiates making love. And you’re not even sure how to initiate sex with him, because you’ve never really done it! When I was researching my book The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I did surveys and interviewed both men and women. And here’s what one guy said about initiating sex:

Men don’t want to be placated; they want to be wanted.

But what if you’re just not comfortable initiating? That’s what this woman asks:

My husband tells me I should initiate sex more, but I literally don’t know what to do. I think about it during the day, and how I should start initiating tonight, but when tonight comes, I freeze up. I feel stupid, like I’m going to do the wrong thing, and really awkward.

I grew up where we just didn’t talk about sex, and I do have a difficult time talking about it and telling my husband what I want. He’s really patient with me and he makes sex feel great, and I am starting to orgasm, but I’m still just stuck and I feel paralyzed and stupid. Any suggestions?

I’m sure she’s not alone. Lots of us feel awkward. Or else maybe we’re just comfortable with the way things are, and we don’t know how to switch it up.

Then I had another woman write me in with this question:

I worked through 31 Days to Great Sex with my husband last year, and we decided I have to initiate sex more. But I honestly hardly ever think about it spontaneously, and then when I do, it seems like it’s forced. How can I just make it natural?

One of my most popular posts for years was on 10 ways to initiate, but I still get so many questions about it. I’d like to rerun it today with a few updates as I’ve had time to think about this more!

So here we go: 10 tips on how to initiate sex with your husband

–and help your husband feel like the most blessed man in the world!

1. DO Show Enthusiasm

Initiating sex requires enthusiasm–and I know that can feel awkward. But when we try to initiate without enthusiasm it comes off as rather off-putting. The following, for instance, do NOT count as initiating sex:

(Lying in bed, arms crossed. Turning head towards him). We can if you wanna.
(Standing at the bottom of the stairs, heading up to bed). I’m heading to bed. If you come up within the next 10 minutes we may still have time, I guess.
(Lying in bed, looking at the ceiling). So, I shaved my legs today.
(Lying in bed, arms crossed). So…I guess we’re due, eh?

(Sorry, that’s the Canadian coming out in me in the last one). If you’re going to initiate, the first step is NOT telling him “do you wanna?” The first step is getting in the right frame of mind for sex so that you’re enthusiastic about it, too!

But here’s just a heads up for the guys reading this: sometimes when women cross their arms and say, “we can if you wanna”, it’s not because they’re just doing this out of duty and they don’t really want to. It might honestly be because they just feel so awkward that they’re tensing up. So don’t interpret it as always “duty sex”!

2. DON’T Overthink It

Why don’t we initiate sex? Because often as soon as the thought pops into our heads we talk ourselves out of it.

Do I want to tonight? Well, I don’t know. It is kind of late, and I do need my sleep. And he wasn’t very nice to me tonight. He hardly hugged me when he came home from work. I just feel so distant right now. I can’t make love if we’re distant, can I? Wouldn’t that be deceptive? And what if the kids wake up? And what if….

Why don’t we initiate more? Because all these thoughts stop us!

So turn it off! Seriously. When you get the thought, pounce on it (and pounce on HIM, too!) Start kissing him. Let your hands wander pretty much immediately (seriously–women don’t like guys to GO FOR IT right away, so we often assume men need the lead up, too. They don’t. Just zero in!). Don’t second guess yourself. You’ll be happier later–and you’ll likely sleep better, too!

3. DON’T Be Embarrassed

“Good girls don’t like sex.”

Did you grow up thinking that? If you grew up thinking that only boys wanted sex, and girls just acquiesced, then you may think that it’s your role to sit back and just respond to him. Anything else somehow upsets the apple cart. That seems to be what our first letter writer is experiencing.

But good girls DO want sex! God gave us sex drives, too. And inside marriage sex is supposed to be a wonderful thing for both of you! Think about it this way: This is the only man on earth who can touch you like that. He’s the only man on earth who really truly knows you. You don’t need to be embarrassed around him. I know that can be a hard transition to make. But practice little things, like saying to him the morning after you made love, “I had fun last night”, or “you made me feel great!” Practice talking about it afterwards, and it makes it easier to talk about it beforehand! So saunter up to him and whisper in his ear, “do you want me to drive you crazy tonight?” He’ll get the message.

You may also enjoy:

7 Things Sexually Confident Women Know

Are you TIRED of always being too tired for sex?

Do you yearn to actually WANT to make love–and figure out what all the fuss is about?

There is a way! And in this 10-module course I take you through what libido is (it may surprise you!), what affects libido, and how we can reclaim the excitement that God made us for.

Tell me more!

4. DON’T Beat Around the Bush

But remember: If you’re too embarrassed to be that direct, or if you’re embarrassed about saying, “do you want to make love tonight?”, then you may not give clear enough signals.

My husband was leaving for a business trip for a week recently, and he was spending the morning before he was picked up sorting papers and paying bills and getting some tasks done around the house. I kept getting up from my computer whenever he got up from his and walking over and seeing if I could get him interested in something, but I never let him know what I was doing. I thought he was just busy and wasn’t interested. But after following him around like a puppy dog for an hour, he finally turned to me and said, “are you okay?”, and I said, “I just thought we could go upstairs for some fun before you left.”

He jumped on board immediately!

I had thought he was busy and was rejecting me, but he just really didn’t know what I was getting at. Men are usually afraid of getting rejected, and if he tends to have the higher sex drive in your marriage, he may have conditioned himself to never think about it, or to try not to assume you’re going somewhere, because he doesn’t want to get his hopes up. Subtlety, then, isn’t a good thing. Be obvious. It’s easier on everyone!

5. DO Use Your Hands

Don’t like talking about sex? Feel super awkward trying to say something sexy to start?

You don’t have to. Come up behind him, wrap your arms around him, start nibbling his ear, and let your hands wander. Watching a movie? Rest your hand in a creative place. And again–don’t beat around the bush. Put your hand EXACTLY where you know he wants it. Or lead him to the bedroom–but not with HIS hand. You can get things going without saying any words, if the words make you shy. Just do it!

6. DO Be Creative

Initiating sex can start earlier in the day. You can text him at work (“You’re in for it tonight!”). You can get dressed in your “pretty” underwear (not your functional underwear), and let him see, and say something like, “so this is what I’ll be wearing all day today….” You can put a note in his lunchbox, like a Skor bar, and say, “Wanna Skor tonight?” If a thought occurs to you, do it! Chances are it’s a good thought, and most guys won’t laugh at you. They’ll definitely go with it! I’ve got 10 super fun creative ideas to signal “I want sex tonight!”, too.

And 31 Days to Great Sex (which relaunches July 14 with an expanded edition!) has a ton of ideas for how to initiate sex, signal sex, and feel more comfortable. We even have sexy questions you can ask each other to get things going! Pre-order now.

Pre-Order Now!

7. DO Laugh

It’s okay to smile, and chuckle, and be giggly. It’s okay to act like teenagers. It doesn’t have to be super serious. You can joke around. “Hey, Big Man, do you have anything to help Little Ole Me?” You can flirt with your husband! It really is okay. And the more laughter, the more fun all around.

8. DO Be Eye Candy (It’s Okay!)

Is flirting still a little bit awkward? Then try this instead!

Put aside the flannel pyjamas or ugly T-shirts, get into some silk ones. Or put on a matching bra and panty set, and as you get undressed, show him what you’re wearing. Or go naked underneath a bathrobe and “flash” him while he’s downstairs. Then walk away, and see if he follows.

9. DO Follow Through

If you’ve been texting him all day, or you whispered in his ear when he walked in the door, then follow through. It’s hard on a guy to get his engines revving and then stopping with no warning.

Obviously if something comes up you may have to forego sex that evening, but if you’ve been hinting, then as much as possible, set the right conditions. Don’t watch a chick flick if it’s likely to make you so tired that at the end of it you want to collapse into bed. It may seem romantic, but if it will push bedtime back too far, then make love FIRST, before the movie. Don’t get on the computer thinking, “after I’m done this we’ll head upstairs.” If sex is your plan, then make sure it happens early, when you’re still thinking about it, rather than giving other things–the news, the computer, the movies–a chance to distract you and make you change your mind.

10. DO Be Active

Once you’ve caught his attention, and you’re heading to the bedroom, don’t let the initiation end. Be active as you make love. Touch him. Guide his hand. Be the aggressor–at least a little bit. Find a good position yourself. Get on top even! When you’re active, it shows him, “I want to do this.” If you lie there on your back and don’t do much, he may think, “she’s just doing this for me.” Show him you are interested, and you do want this to happen–by making it happen!

Learn Great Sex Tips!

How to Make Foreplay for Him, too

10 Ways to Make Sex Feel Amazing for Him

So there you go–a bunch of tips for making initiating sex more natural and less awkward.

And if you’re struggling with not feeling awkward during sex, I highly recommend working through 31 Days to Great Sex together. It’s a challenge you do with your husband. You just read 3-4 pages a night together, and then do what it says. I’ve got it set up so in the first week you’ll have some “quick wins” which will help you feel more confident and more sexual. And then through the rest of the month you’ll learn to flirt more, initiate more, figure out what feels good, spice things up, and talk about some of your roadblocks. Check it out!

Sex doesn’t need to be awkward, but I know that it is for so many (and it was for me, too!). But don’t overthink it. Tell yourself good things about sex, and your husband! Small changes now can add up to big changes in the long run. Now go and have a great time with your man!

Do you find initiating sex awkward? Let’s talk about it in the comments!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8
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