Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 57

Sheila turns 50! A Thank You from Her Readers

For those of you who don’t get the weekly newsletter, Sheila’s 50th birthday is today! 

In the Friday newsletter last week I (Rebecca) sent out a request for birthday wishes and wow–we got a lot!

Sheila started this blog in 2008. That’s twelve years of doing this. Twelve years of helping marriages and families grow more like Christ. And so today I want to give a few stories of how my mom (Sheila) has helped marriages across the globe. Thank you to everyone who sent in your well-wishes, here are some highlights:

Thank you for helping couples start off well

Dear Sheila, I’m praying that you have the happiest and most blessed 50th birthday celebration ever!!!  You don’t know me, but from the bottom of my heart, I am so thankful for your ministry. Your writings have been used by the Lord to do so much healing in my life and to help me look forward to a joyful union with my husband-to-be – I think I would still be too messed up to even think about getting married if it wasn’t for the help I’ve received from your book and your blog!  

So thank you again and may you know the Lord’s richest blessing on your life as you continue to serve Him.

Happy birthday! I wanted to take a moment to thank you for your ministry. I read “The Good Girl’s Guide” before I got married last June- I can’t emphasize to you how much your ministry has benefited me. You helped me to fill my head with positive, biblical messages about sex with my husband. It’s so easy to let bad messages from tv shows, movies, even the church sadly, fill up your head with all the wrong ideas. You have helped me so greatly, and I deeply appreciate it!! Your articles and blog are always a blessing and encouragement, and I appreciate you for taking on the hard task of talking about sex! Thank you, thank you for your work! God bless you in your 50th year!

Sheila and Keith on their wedding day

Thank you from people who needed a “reset”

I cannot begin to tell you the impact your ministry has had on my life and my marriage. I didn’t even know how damaging the thoughts I had internalized about sex were, I just knew that I didn’t feel the way I wish I felt about it. And then a few years back, thank God, I stumbled on your blog. It helped me to finally realize why some of my beliefs were there in the first place and why they were so damaging. I am so thankful for you both acknowledging teachings that are harmful so we know we are not alone in feeling and believing certain things, and also for sharing biblical teachings about sex to help us heal and understand more of God’s design and love for us in our marriages.

Thank you for following God’s calling. Thank you for enduring the hardships that come with hearing hard stories, speaking against the grain, opening yourself to backlash and criticism, and doing the hard labor of your work! So many women, men, and marriages are being positively impacted by your work and I am so thankful God chose you to do this important job and that you said yes!

About 7 years ago (13 years into my good marriage) I decided to stop being sad about our sex life and changed my attitude. I had seen the damage I had done by not dealing with my insecurities and gatekeeping our sex life. With your help…I embarked on a new journey to take back what the enemy wanted to destroy! Our sex life has done a total 180! We are more connected now emotionally and physically – and continue to work on communicating our needs to one another without embarrassment.

I’m now at the place in our marriage where I desire sex and more adventure than he does! Neither of us could have imagined that 7 years ago.

Your blog, books and podcasts are a healthy, encouraging, realistic approach to an otherwise sensitive topic. The fact that you don’t shy away from anything that seems to come your way is incredible. It takes a lot of courage!

Happiest of birthdays to you! Thank you for giving us the tools to strengthen our marriage and our marriage bed!

Thank you, Shelia, for your work. I started my marriage believing a lot of lies about marriage, myself and sex. I stumbled across your blog looking for housekeeping encouragement and read a couple marriage article and then started following you. Your blog totally transformed my marriage. It changed how I view my husband, myself and especially how I viewed and enjoyed sex. It has been such an incredible gift and blessing for both me and my husband and I feel our marriage has thrived thanks to it. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for giving me that gift and allowing me to better understand God’s plan for me and my marriage.

Canadian Reader

Sheila as a baby!

Thank you for speaking truth–even when it’s hard

A big thanks to Sheila for putting a healthy spin on sexuality from a Christian perspective. And drawing attention to how the church has dismissed and failed women. Jesus did not. Challenging the Christian status quo can be a voice in the wilderness with the resulting feedback that this ministry has experienced. Both positive and negative. Keep it up Sheila. So many on your side. To all those who keep ” To Love Honour and Vacuum” a big hip hip hooray!

Canadian Reader

I have gained more wisdom for my marriage (of almost 19 years!) on your site then any other, but these last few years have been extremely difficult and the insight I have found has helped me to stand up and fight for what is right. It has given me clarity when I was truly praying and searching for the good. You have helped me to step out of my boat, to find truth (aw man sooo much truth!) and shown me that intimacy is worth working for. 

The Lord has created you, bestowed the knowledge, given you Keith as a husband, made you, YOU to help all kinds of ladies (and men!) who have needed help! Wow! I believe the Lord has used it to better my marriage in so, so many ways! It isn’t even describable, however, the ripple effect of how you have helped me in my life, and in turn the example and legacy my husband and I are leaving our children and how that will in turn affect so many others… it is truly priceless. I know it is hard for you at times, but I believe in heaven some day, you will be blown away by all that God has done using your life. 

Thank you for creating resources that can help marriages across the globe

Happy Birthday, Sheila, You are a great blessing!

I learned about your blog a few months after I got married. I was a shy church girl, who always dreaded going to bed with my husband and still felt that sex was a sin even in marriage. Following your blog was and is still a great blessing. I have learnt a lot about myself and how to enjoy sex.

I look forward to receiving your emails every morning and I sometimes share them with my husband. Thank you for all the insights, humour and the encouragement to become a better wife, mother and mentor.

You are doing a good job. Keep up!! Happy Fiftieth Birthday!!

Kenyan Reader

I have just started doing your boost your libido course and I already feel God is guiding me through you in my marriage that had a dead sex life for years.

You are a Godsend and I wish you a happy and blessed 50th all the way from Singapore.

And if you’d like to check out that Boost Your Libido course, you can do that right here! 

 

But most of all, thank you for helping others discover who Jesus truly is.

This was a sentiment in so many of the messages we received. Sheila’s ministry is about more than just good sex–it’s about the gospel. Listen to these testimonies:  

Words can’t describe what a Godsend blessing you are to me. In my life, one of your blog posts was the beginning of the unveiling and unraveling of my abusive marriage. Now years later, my faith is stronger than ever and my thinking and understanding of who Jesus is is more clear than I ever imagined. Your teaching plays an enormous role in this ongoing journey.

One attribute about you I’ve observed in years of reading your articles, blog comment responses, listening to podcasts, and more is your relational and compassionate style. You extend empathy and grace in so many beautiful ways. And your advice is always so God centered and valuable. You aren’t afraid to tackle hard questions. You never give pat answers.

I also admire your work ethic and commitment. You’ve built an incredible ministry and I pray God continues to expand your territory in the next 50 years.

Sheila’s compassionate heartfelt, clear, and biblical teachings Have helped me immensely. I’m 7 years years into a tremendously happy marriage, and without her practical advice on everything from in-laws, to communication, to how to relax and really learn how to love your husband; I would not feel near the amount of confidence in learning all the time to be more like Jesus.

Even though it is completely virtual via TLHV Blog, may I say it has been my pleasure to know you for the past 4 years of your 50! In the past 4 years you have been part of my life in many important ways. You have been part of my marriage as I continue to work and grow in His Word. You have taught me that marriage is a beautiful way to express God’s love. You have been an important part of my spiritual growth. The number one way you have been part of my life is by watering my garden when I found Jesus. And you did it all from a computer all the way from Canada! For that I am so thankful. You are my e-mentor and have shown me by your example that JESUS is who I need to chase. I pray and hope that you continue to be blessed as you deliver God’s Word in the work you do. 

Phil

Sheila, you have changed my marriage, you have made me a better person, a better Christian, a better wife and a better mother. Thank you for always pointing me towards God. Happy Birthday!

I think that does an excellent job of summing it up. 

Thank you to everyone who sent in birthday wishes. I had to edit some down for brevity and couldn’t include them all in today’s post but I’m planning on sharing all of the messages with her in full later today. So she will see it, even if it wasn’t included in the post! 

If you would like to give Sheila a birthday gift today, please leave a comment about how this blog, Sheila’s books, or Sheila’s speaking ministry has helped you or your marriage. 

Our job is hard at times. And hearing how others are helped makes all the hard days worth it! 

Thank you for everything, Mom. We love you so much, and I hope you have an excellent birthday. 

What Can We Learn from the French (or the Italians!) about Sex?

What makes a culture good at sex?

Now that things are calmer and the book is in, I want to get back to highlighting a comment or two from the blog in the Friday post each week. (Okay, we had a close call with Rebecca and Connor’s yorkie Wednesday so… maybe not so calm? But anyway. We aren’t working 12-hour+ days anymore. Joanna and Rebecca are enjoying time with their little kiddos again. Etc.)

This week, I shared how I’m grieving and rejoicing simultaneously and we had a really fun discussion in the comments about different cultures and their views of sex.

First, Gemma shared:

I am passionate about people (and especially women) being given a healthy and true perspective on sex. I see a lot of the terrible teaching that is out there is the US and English speaking world. I live in France and I wonder what women here get taught about sex and what resources they have access to. I would love to see something like your blog for the French-speaking world.

 

Gemma

Then Natalie replied:

I agree, Gemma! And coming from an American/English speaker who’s spent a good amount of time in France and has many French friends (some of whom are married, so I’ve watched their relationship grow and change from dating to marriage to children), from my experience, I’d say the French view of sex is much more mutual pleasure focused, or really just pleasure focused in general. They don’t seem to be as offended by sexuality in general, but especially a woman owning her sexuality. (Same goes for many other non-English speaking European countries). There’s a reason French and Italian men are stereotypically known by English speaking women as good lovers: because they were raised more to pursue pleasure during sex and to view the whole process as all part of sex (foreplay, PIV sex, post-sex) and not with this idea that their wife owe’s them sex once married or that sex is purely about penetration, which seems to be pervasive at least here in the US. I’m sure as European and American cultures continue to merge, these differences will become weaker. But at least historically, I’d say that’s the case. America’s/Britain’s views on sex have always been very Puritanical historically speaking compared to elsewhere in Europe.

 

Natalie

And then I loved what Andrea pointed out:

I have friends in psychology that say you can tell how a man (or woman) will approach sex by how they approach the rest of life. For example, if he is selfish outside of the bedroom and considers his needs first, he’s going to be the same way inside the bedroom. I think the big difference between the US/UK and countries like Italy and France is not just sex, but the idea of pleasure more broadly. Compare food for example! The US is known for fast food, junk food, obesity, etc., the UK for bland food, while Italy and France are known for delicious food and people who enjoy it in a sensual way, don’t rush through dinner, but savor every bite…

 

Andrea

This got me thinking: what cultural values shape how things go in the bedroom? And what can we be doing as we shape the culture of our family, church, and community to support couples and set them up for success.

Here are my ideas:

1. Savor Life

One of the things about French, Italian, and Spanish culture that is so lovely is that they take the time to enjoy the good things and they take time and joy in cultivating beauty. I think here in North America, too often we settle for a twinkie instead of putting the work in to make a torte. What if we stopped and enjoyed the good things in life? And what impact would having a sense of savoring life do to our sex lives?

Savoring things means that you enjoy what is right in front of you. You savor the process, and not just the result (many knitters will tell you, for instance, that they are “process” knitters rather than project knitters). What would happen if we treated sex that way?

First, I think we’d be less goal-oriented. Instead of seeing sex like a pass/fail thing depending on whether or not she had an orgasm, you could enjoy pleasure which is more likely to get her there anyway, but you would also realize that the pleasure and the journey is good, in and of itself, even if you don’t get to the destination. And that can relieve a lot of pressure.

Second, savoring means stopping and smelling the flowers. It means that you’re able to let time stand still for a bit and give yourself permission to feel. That’s something that many women struggle with (and it’s why I think sex is God’s gift to women; to allow us to feel for a time and not be in our heads). We’ll be talking next month in our series on the toll that mental load takes on women’s brains, but when we savor, then we silence all the to-do lists in our heads and we give ourselves permission to be here, with our husbands, and relax.

You may also enjoy:

Sex is the Gift of Being in the Moment
The Theology of the Clitoris


2. Slow the Pace

Here in North America we work a LOT. And working hard is a good thing! But sometimes we’re less productive because we’re expecting ourselves to be productive for so long. (Studies in Scandanavia actually show that working 4 days a week didn’t hamper productivity because workers were more efficient knowing that they had a 3 day weekend coming up.) The Spanish have an afternoon siesta every day, the French get 5 weeks off in the summers, and on and on.

While I know the pandemic has been hard for all of us, I’ve heard from a lot of people that they are enjoying the slower pace of life, having time to do things that they enjoy… just because they enjoy them. I have to guess that a slower pace leads to more time to enjoy sex, less pressure to be quick when it happens, and (for obvious reasons) more opportunities to be intimate.

Maybe we’re all learning what’s truly important in life right now, and what life’s really about.

(and please–don’t get political in the comments! Obviously some societies would benefit from learning to work harder, but that doesn’t mean that we wouldn’t also benefit from learning to slow down a little bit).

3. Keep Conversations Open

One thing that a lot of researchers point out is that sexual satisfaction is higher if people are able to ask questions of their teachers, doctors, and other important adults in their lives while they grow up. That’s part of why, for example, the dutch are believed to have such high sexual satisfaction. (That’s why The Whole Story is such a great course! It’s all about getting the ball rolling for conversations between parents and kids).

You’re telling me WHAT goes WHERE?!

Talking about sex with your kids doesn’t always go smoothly. 

That’s why we created The Whole Story, our online course that walks parents through the tough conversations and does the hard parts for you!

Learn More!

And in our survey for The Great Sex Rescue (coming out next year) we found one of the keys for great sex was women feeling comfortable talking to their husbands about what they want in bed.

Some cultures value sex and don’t see it as shameful, and that makes it easier to talk about. We need to find a way to talk about sex without the shame. I know it’s a delicate balance, but shame holds so many women back. If we can let those messages fall by the wayside, I believe that sex would be a lot better.

You may also enjoy:

10 Things that Scare Me about the Purity Culture
Does the Purity Culture Make Women Ashamed of Sex?
Are we Talking about Purity All Wrong?

Okay. Those are my three ideas. What do you think? What values would you cultivate to help make things better in the bedroom? And what are we in North America doing right? Let me know in the comments!

The Dog Ate Our Podcast. Plus COVID.

This is a story about why we don’t have a podcast up today, but we still do have a dog.

For those of you who have not seen him on the blog yet, meet Winston, the 5 pound yorkshire terrier:

Winston is a rescue dog, adopted by Becca and Connor when he was 8 three years ago.

He lived in a puppy mill for the first year of his life, in a cage, and then he went to 2-3 other owners where he was neglected by at least one, and likely treated rather badly by another (he reacts particularly badly to certain people, so it seems like he has some bad associations).

When they adopted him, he was a very nervous dog. He barked like anything any time another dog came into view, acting like he was going to tear their head off (it was a fear response). He cried if they ever left him.

It took over a year, but he’s quite happy dog now. He loves sitting in laps and getting belly rubs.

He’s actually quite a lovely dog, even though my other daughter Katie and her husband David still call him a rat. But they agree he’s cute.

Rebecca and Connor recently moved near us, and the dog has a backyard where he can explore.

It’s fully fenced and he can’t get out. So for the first time in years he’s able to go off leash outside, which is a BIG DEAL. (They were never able to take him to dog parks because he gets nervous around other dogs and tries to attack them, which isn’t good when you’re so tiny). And the dog LOVES chasing squirrels and scaring robins. Plus he loves sticking his nose into the neighbour’s yard and talking to the dog on the other side of the fence.

Anyway, yesterday I walked over to Rebecca and Connor’s house to record the podcast we were going to put up today. Rebecca and I went for a quick walk with the dog and the baby to talk it all over first, and then we came home and got ready to record. The dog wanted to go outside, so we opened the back door and let him out–

and three seconds later we heard the most terrible yelps. 

Rebecca ran outside to pick him up. It looked like he had fallen down the concrete stairs, but we couldn’t tell exactly what was wrong. But he was obviously in pain, and his lip was bleeding. They thought he had maybe dislocated his knee or his hip.

So we called around and got an appointment at the vet. The dog was breathing funny and acting funny and everyone was very worried. And he’s an older dog who hasn’t been treated well most of his life, so he isn’t in amazing health. They were worried he was going to need surgery, but they didn’t want to have to make that decision, because they didn’t want to put him through pain that likely wouldn’t work (surgeries on small dogs are less successful).

Here’s Rebecca with him right before Connor took him to the vet.

Connor drove him to the vet, but because of COVID, he had to hand the dog over to the secretary and remain in the car.

An hour later he called. They had fixed his split lip, and given him a cortisol shot, and concluded he’d likely sprained or bruised himself pretty badly, but other than that he’d be okay. He just needed to be in his crate or on a lap for the next few days.

So we were all very relieved, and doggy came home.

So that’s why we don’t have a podcast up today.

COVID makes sad things sadder and puts a shadow on happier things.

Rebecca felt like she had to say goodbye to her puppy and was heartbroken, because if they anything did happen, she wouldn’t be allowed to be there with him.

About 1000 miles away, we had a birth in the To Love, Honor and Vacuum extended family this week, too. One of the women who works with me on the blog became an auntie! (Sorry for being cagey – pictures of the baby aren’t online yet so we don’t want to jump the gun!) There was great rejoicing. But baby’s grandparents had to stay at their apartment, and couldn’t visit in the hospital (they were just glad that at least the new dad was able to be there, because a month ago that seemed like it might be iffy). It’s hard when you can’t visit your new grandbaby in the hospital.

(here’s Keith and me with little Alex in October).

Joanna’s also due soon, and her parents can’t come up because the U.S./Canada border isn’t open (we’re praying that changes in the next month but… the outlook isn’t good). And while I got to be in the hospital when my grandson was born, Tammy, my blog administrator, is leaving for Nova Scotia soon to be there for her first grandchild’s birth, and she won’t be able to be in the delivery room.

Life is just difficult.

My “adopted” niece is getting married the end of July, and we have absolutely no idea what will happen at that wedding. Will it be a wedding of 10? Of 25? Of 50? We don’t know yet, so it makes it hard to plan.

All of these things do start to take a toll.

But at least today, doggie is limping, but quite happy to sit in laps and seems relaxed.

So we don’t have a podcast for you. If you’re behind on them, though, I do recommend listening to both of these, which go along with our new book The Great Sex Rescue which we just finished (though it won’t be out until next spring):

We read the Act of Marriage so you don’t have to!
Let’s talk marital rape, consent, and obligation sex

So how has COVID affected you? Or have you ever had a close call with a pet? Let’s talk in the comments!

oh, and here’s our family with the dog and the baby at Christmas:

 

Can You Marry the Wrong Person? Why it Matters Who You Marry

Can you marry the wrong person?

When Keith and I started speaking at marriage conferences in 2004 and 2005, we were still using curriculum from FamilyLife USA. And the emphasis in that curriculum was in preventing divorce. I remember one of the major teachings was this:

You didn’t marry the wrong person; once you’re married, they become the right person.

And then much of the teaching in the conference focused on how the reason that people feel distant in marriage is that you have expectations. Let go of expectations, and you’ll feel better. Divorce doesn’t actually make anyone happier. God meant for marriage to refine you to be like Christ; He’s more concerned with your character than the fact that marriage makes you feel fulfilled.

Of course, there’s elements of truth in all of that. But it is not the complete picture of why people have problems in marriage.

FamilyLife Canada moved away from that curriculum within a few years, and instead of talking about how to keep marriages together, we started talking about practical ways to build oneness, and it’s a much healthier conference today.

But for years, the emphasis in the evangelical church was talking people out of leaving their marriages.

I know I leaned to that side, because at the time I didn’t understand the dynamics of being married to someone of really bad character. I still do lean to that side quite a bit, because I do believe that in most cases, children do better if parents stay together, if the problem is that one spouse is lazy, or takes the other for granted, or doesn’t invest in the relationship at all. When the marriage problems are more about anger issues and abuse, children actually do better if the parents split up.

You may also enjoy:

Why I’m Anti-Divorce but Pro-Remarriage
Is it wrong to expect anything of my spouse?


What I have come to believe over the last few years is that it matters who you marry.

When you marry someone with bad character, who is selfish or lazy, then there is very little that you will be able to do to create a marriage which is nurturing and life-giving. No matter how giving you are; no matter who much you let go of expectations; no matter how kind you are; if someone has bad character, you can’t change that.

You can change the dynamic in your marriage so that you stop trying to appease your spouse, and start drawing boundaries, as I talked about in this two-part series on what to do if your husband won’t change, and in our January series on how iron should sharpen iron. But it’s going to be a long hill to climb.

Here’s what I said in another post on how it’s actually healthy to have some expectations in marriage:

From 3 Things You Should Expect from Your Spouse
Why does Christian teaching often focus on how expectations are wrong?

I think that we’re so scared of couples getting divorced that when a couple has a problem that is difficult to solve, the better course of action seems to be to deny the problem is real. If solving the problem involves one spouse changing their behaviour, and that spouse truly doesn’t seem interested, then we’re stuck. So the only solution is to take the miserable spouse and tell them they’re wrong for being miserable.

Ironically I think that philosophy actually harms marriages far more than it helps. When people are miserable because of how they are being treated, you can certainly tell them, “You’re wrong for wanting to be treated well.” And they may push down their misery for a time. They may be able to throw themselves into The Word and grow closer to Jesus (which is definitely a good thing!). They may be able to find other outlets for their needs, for a time.

But ultimately when we are living a lie, that lie catches up with us, even if we’re growing closer to God at the same time (and I would say that growing closer to God often makes that lie harder to live with).

Read the rest here.

Now, I have seen marriages where someone is lazy or immature change over a 40-year period as a spouse grows up. Sometimes we’re wounded and broken, and it takes a while to deal with our stuff before we become a person who is nurturing to those around us. In those marriages that I know, I’m so glad that the spouses did stick it out to see that transformation.

But quite often that transformation doesn’t happen when the problems are not related to immaturity, but rather due to downright selfishness.

I am not trying to argue for divorce here, though. What I am trying to say is that character counts. We need to teach people to recognize red flags BEFORE these marriage crises happen.

You may also enjoy:

How to prepare for marriage–not just the wedding (and how to recognize red flags)
Top 10 Red Flags about Marriage & Sex

Over the last 15 years, as I have been writing and speaking and blogging in the marriage field, I have seen many marriages blow up because a husband had an affair on an unsuspecting wife. What makes a lot of this even more tragic is that often these wives have made being a good wife and mother the main aim of their lives. Their identity has been invested in doing this family thing right. They poured out all of their energy into this, and taught other women how to love their husbands well, and this is what they got in return.

Yesterday I read about a woman I once followed online whose husband divorced her a decade ago, out of the blue, after some serious moral failings on his part (which she didn’t name). She said that after that divorce, she put herself back under the authority of her father and her brother, and then a few years later she met a man they approved of and she remarried.

Now, this woman had been a Christian her whole life. She had children.  She was almost 40 years old. She was more than capable of making her own decisions. Yet she felt that she had to go under the authority of her husband and brother again, which I find concerning.

But more than that, I wonder if in the Christian world we often elevate people of bad character because we misread red flags?

Let’s say that a man is very opinionated, and knows Scripture well, and loves being in charge in church? We’ll say that he’s a natural spiritual leader, and that he’ll lead his family well, and that this means he’s great husband-material. He’s a go-getter.

But these things–being opinionated; spouting Scripture to show others why they’re wrong; yearning to run things rather than to let others run things are also classic signs of very controlling personalities who do not like to listen and who do not take correction well. Speaking as someone who does tend to try to run things and who is also opinionated, I’m not saying this type of personality is wrong, any more than any type of personality is wrong. But it isn’t necessarily RIGHT, either. How people react to correction, and whether people are willing to listen to others are both so important in making a good marriage. And yet we often admire the “go getter”.

We also often look for head knowledge before we look for people’s actions. My personal theory is that because modern evangelicalism defines itself by what people believe rather than by how people act, we’ve reduced Christianity to a set of right beliefs.

Just because we believe salvation is by grace alone, though, does not mean that works shouldn’t matter. Yet we’ve tended to over-emphasize beliefs, and as long as someone can explain doctrine, we don’t notice if they never wash a dish, or if they never help others, or they don’t think to get up while others are clearing the table (seriously, the number of church events I’ve been to where my husband is the only man clearing the table or offering to wash dishes is astounding).

But again–what’s going to make a good marriage? The fact that someone can quote Bible verses to tell you why you’re wrong, or that someone is willing to jump in and play with a baby, change a diaper, or do the dishes? Is it that someone can explain doctrine, or is it that you feel like a team?

There are so many other issues, too–whether or not a person will work, either at a job or at home. Whether they will share the load. Whether they will take care of themselves and responsibility for themselves. And the list goes on and on.

But when it comes to our rhetoric about marriage, I don’t think we emphasize red flags enough.

And if we’re going to tell women that they pass from the authority of their fathers to their husbands, we also teach women to ignore red flags. “Let the men decide.” We teach women that if they think something is wrong, then likely they are the problem, because men are supposed to lead, and thus the man is usually right. And if other people are telling us this guy is a great catch, we listen to them, rather than to our own reservations.

And then we create marriages that are not life-giving, and so we have to create conferences to convince very unhappy people to stay.

This is why I get so frustrated. This is why I often find myself very sad when I look at the comments and the emails that I get–that it all seems so very avoidable if people were taught to watch for the marks of real good character, and not just the marks of “biblical manhood” or “biblical womanhood”. And if women were taught that it’s okay to confront a man when you think he’s doing something wrong; that they don’t have to defer to their male peers; that their thoughts do matter–then maybe we wouldn’t marry people who didn’t care about our thoughts or experiences.

What do you think? Can you marry the wrong person? How can we stress character more? Let’s talk in the comments!

I tried to balance this idea that you shouldn’t have unrealistic expectations with the fact that we should have some expectations in Thought #4 in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage– my husband can’t make me happy.

Sometimes that means that we’re expecting too much. But sometimes it also means that God wants us to take responsibility for doing what we can to address our own legitimate needs.

And quite often that means setting boundaries around what we will accept and what we just can’t.

If you have trouble navigating this in marriage, take a look at 9 Thoughts!

Do you have a hard time asking for what you want?

You can change the dynamic in your marriage and make talking about your own needs easier!

If your marriage is in a communication rut, it’s time for some change.

Learn More!



















Like this post? You should also check out:

How Thoughts Can Change a Marriage

10 Christian Pat Answers that Don’t Always Work

10 Sexy Questions to Ask Your Husband

Want some sexy questions to ask your husband to get the party started? You’ve come to the right place!

I’m getting ready for a big series in June when we’re going to talk about emotional labor and mental load, and we’ve been talking about some pretty heavy things on the blog lately.

And so I thought it was time for a post on the steamier side today, because seriously–if you’re married, sex should be awfully fun!

And sometimes we just need a small nudge to get us going in the right direction.

So today and tomorrow I’d like to talk about some fun ways to initiate sex and turn up the heat, and let’s start with a few sexy questions that can get the sparks going again.

I first wrote these a few years ago, but most people haven’t seen them, and I’d like to run them again!

Sexy Questions to Ask Your Husband–To Get in the Right Frame of Mind

Just warming up? Want him to start thinking in a certain direction? Here are some fun conversation starters!

Dare: Make these even hotter by asking them in a restaurant or somewhere semi-public where he’ll get frustrated but he’ll have to wait. Now, DON’T do this if anyone can overhear, obviously. PLEASE. But asking him these questions while rubbing your foot along his leg? Dynamite!

Or ask them in the car on the way home from a date. See what happens when you walk in the door!

1. Guess what panties I’m wearing!

This one’s fun to ask on the phone, too!

2. What’s the last sexy dream you had?

Be ready to reply with one of your own. He’ll likely turn the tables on you!

3. If you could replay any time with me in real life, what would it be?

Find out what he’s liked the best, and then repeat it.

4. At our wedding reception, what were you thinking of doing to me?

Ask him what he was anticipating the most. And if he’s not specific, then do some follow up questions. “Were you more looking forward to X or Y? What part of my body drove you the most crazy, Y or Z?” Find out how frustrated he was waiting to leave the party!

5. When we’re making love, what position gives you your favourite view?

Then ask him why!

Now let’s turn it up a notch.

Sexy Questions to Ask Your Husband–When You’re Heating Things Up!
6. Is this too revealing?

Put on your tightest top or your shortest skirt (that you NEVER wear out of the house, of course!), or wear just a bra and a camisole. Walk by him with whatever he’s doing and bend over and ask what he thinks! Make sure to run your hands over the part that you’re “worried” about, too!



















Does your marriage need some spicing up–and some fun?

Try these 24 dares–plus one bonus–to take your marriage to the next level!

Let's add some heat!



















7. Which affects you more?

Does he like to enjoy looking at your body? Do a little fashion show! Choose two outfits or lingerie sets and ask him which has the greater effect on him.

Bonus points: Check it out yourself! Feel what kind of an effect you’re having on him, and see which one works better!

Why I’m Rejoicing and Lamenting at the Same Time–Wanna Join Me?

The Bible tells us to rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.

Well, I’m doing both, so I guess you all better get busy!

How Can the Church Handle Singleness Better?

We had a great discussion the other day on how we talk about singleness and God’s will. 

Tons of comments, and lots of really insightful back and forth, and I want to continue the conversation today.

I wasn’t that involved in that conversation at the time (or any of the comments sections this week) because we’ve been finishing up The Great Sex Rescue, our new book that’s coming out next spring. Rebecca, Joanna and I wrote it together, with Rebecca and me doing most of the writing and Joanna doing all of the stats (which was likely the largest part of the job). We had 22,000 people answer our survey in the fall, and that gave us so much data, and it’s incredible.

But best of all–the book is done! Seriously, I’m so happy, because I’ve been working so hard. It’s not done-done, because there’s still the editing process after the publisher gets back to us, but we’ve at least got something written, and I actually really like it!

We had one of those moments yesterday afternoon when we were just losing it. Rebecca and I were looking at our notes for a chapter and we came across this gem:

I thought the bit in blue was the funniest (and I have no idea what we were originally trying to get across), but Rebecca thought the last line took the cake–we couldn’t find a metaphor for a metaphor.

Anyway, because of how busy I was, I missed out on the comments section. But several people brought up some interesting things I’d like to highlight. And if I don’t highlight your comment, it’s not that I didn’t appreciate it! It’s just that I’d like to pull up sections from comments that all brought up a new point or looked at something from a different angle!

Be careful not to get smug if you’re married

Becky made a great point:

I always hated when well-meaning Christian ladies would toss that verse about “it’s better not to marry” at me, as if it was somehow sinful for me to wish to marry. I honestly had to go to counseling in my later 20s, because I really was questioning whether my singleness was either a punishment for that bad college relationship that I mentioned last week, or whether God somehow loved me less than the majority of my friends who did marry in the couple of years within finishing college.

Those of us who are married need to remember how hurtful it can be to tell people, “well, God says you’re better off anyway the way you are!” My rule of thumb is that if I wouldn’t want to walk in their shoes, then I shouldn’t try to convince them that they should enjoy those shoes, either.

What happened to all the men?

Several people got into some interesting conversations about where all the men are, too, and why there are so many more single women.

Why are there so few good Christian men? This is not an American problem. I majored in religion studies and this is something that is very common all over the world. What is it that make men less interested in faith and religion?

Anon

It’s a relief to know that it’s not God deliberately making me single

This comment made me so sad, although I do believe Arwen is at peace about her singleness now. But I just read this and I so want to set her up so badly, especially because I feel like  know her from all her comments over the years! I really hate it when people are single and they don’t want to be, and I hate the rejection that she still is feeling, even if she finds it a relief to know it’s not God doing the rejecting:

I just find it odd when pastors preach that maybe it’s not God’s will for someone to get married but when you look around the Church all the good looking people are married, you start questioning God. Instead what we need to realize is that marriage is one of the many areas God has given us free will in. So instead of blaming God let’s face the harsh truth, someone deliberately chose not to sacrificial love you.

I think that’s harder to accept because it’s easier to just say, i’m waiting on God’s timing. Part of living in a fallen world is living with the bitterness of sin. It was such a mind shift for me, i read it on a singles blog where she explained it in detail! I actually feel vindicated and a burden was lifted from me. Now i know if i never marry it wasn’t because God favored other women over me it was because all those single Christian men didn’t want me. And that is far more freeing to me. Because i would much rather be unloved by a man than to be unloved by God. 

Arwen

Are we treating marriage like the meaning of life?

Bre brought up this great point that many debated afterwards:

“It’s as if Christians can’t see marriage as part of the Christian life and there’s a reason for it: they see it as the meaning of life and as such, they see as transcending the rest. It’s utter foolishness….When we finally realize that marriage is just a part of life instead of the meaning of life, we have a far more holistic, positive view of life.”

Bre

She goes on to say that between her mental health issues and ASD issues (which we had a great discussion about a few weeks ago) she thinks she’d be better off single. I think that’s noble, honestly, to realize that you weren’t really cut out for marriage, and so you’d rather pour yourself into service. I don’t know why we think that’s a bad thing, or that we have to talk anyone out of it. I sometimes look at couples who are really struggling, where one person was honestly never cut out for marriage, and I think to myself, “if they were given permission to stay single, maybe they would have and then their spouse may have met someone else.”

Women have a timeline that men don’t

The sad thing is that women are definitely at the disadvantage here, and not only in terms of raw numbers of single men vs. single women. We have a time line that men don’t:

Also, a lot of Christian guys seem to be commitment-phobes until they’re much older – by which point, although they can start a family with a younger woman, it’s too late for women their age to have kids.

Anon

But then Catherine also gave this interesting perspective, which I wholeheartedly endorse! I know a single woman in her 40s who just adopted a lovely sibling group from foster care, and I’m so happy for her!

As far as the woman’s biological clock ticking and a deep desire to have children and being single……I personally see no reason why adoption isn’t an option. Yes, it’s difficult as a single mom. But some are in positions to do so or have extra family help etc. and if so, then we are called to care for orphans. Plain and simple. Is it ideal to being a child into a fatherless family? No, not ideal. Fathers are so important. But life isn’t ideal, and many of the situations orphans are in are even less ideal. So perhaps you won’t be getting married at all or in time to have biological kids before menopause…..I think this is a legitimate option that some singles should consider. And for those who get married later in life, adopting older kids in need of homes is also an option!

Catherine

Are women too picky?

And Anon also raised this point, which I’ve talked about as well:

I also know women who are single because they are way too fussy – I’m not talking about women who want a husband who loves Jesus, but women who reject a potential date because he has a beard, didn’t go to the right college, is 6 months ‘too old’ or ‘too young’ or a couple of inches ‘too tall’ or ‘too short’.

One of my friends is desperate to get married, and has expressed envy that I have ‘found a man’ – yet my fiance has at least 4 things ‘wrong’ with him in her eyes that would wipe him off her list of possible future husbands! Her list is literally pages long and has really specific height, weight, age, hair (no beards or baldness), education, career and income requirements.

Anon

Check out a post I wrote answering a woman asking if she was being too picky!

Finally, it’s not only singleness where the church says really hurtful things. It’s infertility, too.

A few women brought up how hurtful the infertility discussion and issue can be as well, when people talk like God planned it, or ignore the fact that you’re struggling.

How about infertility? What do you think that’s all about? There’s a shortage of single men in the church, so that explains why some Christian women remain single. That’s not God’s plan, but it is a fact in a sin-stained world. What about infertility?

Also, can we talk about how the church has a bad habit of idolizing marriage and child-rearing, creating very little space for those that are single (beyond their 20s) and those that are infertile?

Andrea

My last ladies event I attended there was my last because I was the only one at a table of 10 not joining in on the pregnancy/labour stories. I’m not exaggerating when it went on the majority of the night and I couldn’t join a different table without causing a scene because we were in groups. As the evening went on I didn’t have the ability to attempt to causally change the subject because I was knew if I opened my mouth I would completely break down. I eventually made a lame excuse to leave and bawled as soon as I got to my car. I was incredibly hurt because of my struggle and hurt that no one seemed to care about the one person who remained silent the entire evening and no one seemed to give thought to why I wasn’t joining in the conversation.

Please. Take a look around the group next time you’re with a bunch of people. If someone hasn’t said a word, reach out to them. It doesn’t have to be deep. It doesn’t have to be related to the subject that everyone else is talking about. Just be considerate and make them feel included and important to the group.

A

I really appreciate all of you in the comments, especially this week when I haven’t been replying to very many!

And I just want you to know that if you’re struggling with not wanting to be single, or with infertility, I am sorry. I wish I had something better to say to you. I won’t pretend to understand. I married early. And while I have had miscarriages and my son die, I also never had trouble getting pregnant (and I even got pregnant right after Christopher died, too). So I haven’t walked in those shoes, and I don’t have any great words of wisdom or comfort, and I don’t want to insult you by giving you false comfort.

I’m just sorry if you’re hurting, that’s all.

But here’s my question for YOU if we can keep the discussion going, and it’s a two-pronged one: If you’re single, how do you feel about people trying to set you up? And if you’re not single, have you ever tried to set anyone up? How did it go? Let’s talk in the comments!

Found this post helpful? You might also enjoy:

10 Reasons Not to Kiss Dating Good-bye

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Is the Purity Culture Making Women Ashamed of their Bodies?

10 Trends I’m Watching in the Purity Culture

PODCAST Extras: Arousal–The Missing Piece

When women can’t reach orgasm or don’t receive a lot of pleasure from sex, a lot of times it’s because they’ve never figured out the arousal piece.

We’ve been talking on the blog lately about that arousal piece, and what can hinder it, and in today’s podcast, Rebecca and I try to fill in some of the blanks. It’s a shorter one because we’re under such deadline to get our book done, but we wanted to share some thoughts with you anyway.

Listen in!

Listen to the Podcast Here

Browse all the Different Podcasts

See the Last “Start Your Engines” (Men’s) Podcast

Why is arousal the missing piece?

Becoming aroused means being in touch with your body, and many women were never given permission to do that, or were actively taught things that made it much less likely.

We’ve talked about this on the blog a lot lately, and I just finished writing a chapter about it for The Great Sex Rescue (our new book due in at the publisher tomorrow!).

How did being a sexual gatekeeper affect you?
Let’s bring back making out!

And we thought we’d try to summarize much of the points we’re making here (and summarize some of your amazing comments, especially from the gatekeeper post) in this podcast.

I mentioned a few things I also want to share with you. First, I’ve shared this video before, but it really is awesome.

We also know that if couples can get that arousal piece early in their sex lives together once they’re married, sex becomes much better for her. But the problem is that we often rush to sex because we feel like we have to, and then it’s hard to go backwards afterwards (because it will feel like you’re going backwards).

When did informal surveys on Twitter and Facebook, I found that about 46% of women were not aroused the first time they had sex after the wedding, and that’s a stat that I’d love to see come down. Let’s talk about arousal as if it’s just as important as intercourse, if not more so (because it is). If women’s pleasure matters (and it does), then figuring out how to get her aroused early sets things up so much better. If we “do the deed” when she’s not aroused, though, we can create dynamics where it’s harder to learn later.

That’s why we were so adamant in The Honeymoon Prep Course that arousal is the big thing couples should work on first. If you’re getting married soon, please take it together! And if you have children, friends, nieces, whatever getting married soon, you can give it as a gift, too. Just purchase it, and then reply to the confirmation email and we’ll get you all set up!

Are you ready for the honeymoon you always dreamed of?

The Honeymoon Course is here to help you plan the perfect honeymoon and start your marriage (and your sex life!) off with laughter, joy and fun!

Don’t make the same mistakes other couples have–get it right from the beginning! 

Learn more



















To be totally honest, I don’t have a lot of time to elaborate today.

We’ve been working at least 12 hour days the last week trying to get this book ready, and I’ve got to go edit. That’s why I haven’t been as active in the comments, too!

But I am so looking forward to tomorrow afternoon after I hit send!

I hope you enjoy the podcast, though. It was actually a good break for us to record this between edits. 

So let us know what you think: How can we teach better about the importance of arousal? What tips help? Let’s talk in the comments!

Can We Stop Saying Singleness is God’s Will?

If you’ve never been married, does that mean that it was always God’s will that you would be single?

I think we talk about that a lot–that people are “called to singleness”, as if God decides before you were born, “Oh, I’m going to make sure that Jennifer doesn’t get married,” or “I’d prefer Stacey never meet the man of her dreams.”

Now, I do believe that God puts on some people’s hearts to be single, and to dedicate their life to a singular purpose to serve Him, in which singleness is necessary. But I don’t think that’s the majority of people who are single. I think that’s a misreading of what God’s will means.

I had a reader send me in something that she saw on Deb Fileta’s wonderful blog–that Deb ran in a post as well because Deb found it so great. (And Deb’s book True Love Dates is awesome, by the way!). You should follow Deb; she’s got real, down-to-earth advice for both dating and marriage.

Anyway, this woman wondered if I would run the comment as well, and I decided that it is really insightful and may start a big conversation.

So here’s the start of it (and you can read the whole thing here). 

Reader Comment

As a lifelong single woman who knows what it’s like to feel unfulfilled, undesired, and scared of a future alone, my heart breaks when I read despairing comments from others in the same boat. Not only can I relate to their pain, but I also feel so sad when I see some singles questioning God’s love for them. I think there’s a tendency to be disappointed in or even angry at God for what we perceive as His failure to provide us with the human relationships we need. So often we don’t stop to think that maybe the Lord does NOT want us to be alone and is just as heartbroken as we are that we can’t find a godly spouse.

The fact of the matter is that we live in evil times. True believers who want a real relationship with Christ have always been in the minority, but they are becoming even more scarce as we close in on the end times. Single women outnumber single men in churches three to one. God is not willing that anyone should perish, but we know that He doesn’t force people to turn to Him. If so few single men in the US have chosen Him, there will necessarily be many single Christian women without husbands.

Contrary to what some singles might think, I believe this situation grieves God. He clearly laid out his plan for most people, and it was the family unit–marriage and children. So He considers those things good. The fact that so many of us can’t achieve His plan must make Him very sad, I would think.

Read the rest here.

I think this is so true. I remember one of the big prayer requests of some missionaries that we supported in the Middle East was that new converts would find marriage partners, because there just weren’t a lot of singe Christians in this particular country. When the numbers aren’t there, then some people will remain single, even if they don’t want to. It doesn’t mean that God looked down and said, “you won’t get married!” It’s just the state of things on the ground.

She goes on to talk about how damaging the idea is that God specifically chose YOU not to marry.

That can really mess up a person’s view of their relationship with God. If you look around and most of your friends/family are married, but you are not, what does it do to you to hear that God intended for all of them to marry, but specifically intended that you not?

I think there’s simply a math thing going on here, and let’s think about this in broader perspective.

We know that God’s will is that none should perish (2 Peter 3:9). We know that God wants everyone to come to a saving knowledge of him.

And yet there are more women in the church than men.

Does that mean that it is God’s will that there are more women in the church than men? Or is it simply that many people resist God’s call on their life, and that men are more likely to resist it?

And that means that there will be more single women. And I think, just as God mourns that so many choose to reject him, God also mourns that many are single when they don’t want to be.

Can we see it that way? Can we stop telling single women, “God planned for your singleness,” like you were chosen from the very beginning never ever to be married, like you won the most unlucky lottery ever? And can we tell women that God mourns, too, when we are lonely?

God is still enough for them. God is still close to them. God can still use them, and in many cases he can use single women to have an even larger impact than married women (1 Corinthians 7). But I do think the way we talk both heaps shame on these women, and adds an ugly layer to what they’re supposed to believe about God.

We need to remember that God created this world with free will baked in. That means that people’s choices will affect us, for good or bad. And sometimes people will suffer for others’ choices, even if God would have preferred it to be different. But He allows us to choose. And His presence is here for us, even if things don’t go the way that we would want them to.

So what do you think? Is she right? Is this a better way of talking about singleness? Let’s talk in the comments!

Like this post? You may also enjoy:

Should You Marry Someone Who Uses Porn?

Does He Have Good Character?

10 Reasons Not to Kiss Dating Goodbye

Can Dating Long Distance Work?

Let’s Talk “It’s Better to Marry Than to Burn”

What does 1 Corinthians 7:9–“it is better to marry than to burn with passion”–mean?

I was blown away by the comments last Friday when we were talking about the gatekeeping phenomenon that many women feel, when we think that the boy is the accelerator when it comes to physical contact, and the girl must be the brakes (as one commenter put it so well). That can have repercussions once we’re married, because girls can be so used to that role, and so used to being hyper vigilant, that they have a hard time experiencing what’s actually happening in their bodies.

That’s a big part of what we’re writing in The Great Sex Rescue, which is due in at the publishers on Friday. I’ve been doing basically nothing but eating, sleeping, and writing this book. Rebecca and I spent twelve hours on FaceTime yesterday hammering out the last edits on four chapters (including the gatekeeping one).

Usually I’m ahead on the blog, but I’m just not right now. So I’m writing about things I’m thinking, off the top of my head (like Tiger King!), and I thought I’d comment on some things that were in the comments last week.

One comment thread was talking about how, if you are finding it hard to keep your hands off each other, you should just marry, rather than playing gatekeeper for an extended time. So I thought we could explore what Paul was talking about with that verse.

Here goes!

1. It is better to marry than to burn is talking about huge lifestyle issues, not one particular state of being right now

The issue that Paul is debating in that verse and the one around it is whether or not people should marry. He’s talking about how single people are able to devote themselves 100% to God, as Paul was able to do, and this was a good thing. If you were able to do that, you should.

But then he said, “but if you really can’t, then you should marry.” Some people, you see, are cut out to be single. They don’t have a strong sex drive, or they can channel it somewhere else.

Some people, though, do have strong sex drives, and to try to be single and sold out 100% for God’s work would actually not work very well. They’d spend so much emotional and mental energy trying to get over their strong sexual drive, that they really wouldn’t be able to dedicate themselves totally for God’s work. In those cases, it’s better to marry. Get married, so that the sexual drive is taken care of, and then you can dedicate yourself to God’s work as a married person.

2. That means that the “burning” Paul was thinking about long term sexual frustration, not occasional lust issues

Some people read this passage and think, “If I am sexually frustrated and I am single, I am somehow doing something wrong.” But that wasn’t what Paul was saying. He was contrasting the single life with married life. He wasn’t trying to imply that sexual frustration is morally bad and needs to be fixed, and you should feel badly about it. He was just saying, “hey, if you’re sexually frustrated all the time, the single life probably isn’t for you. It’s okay to aim to get married rather than deciding to stay single.”

So no one should feel guilty if they are single and sexually frustrated. That wasn’t what Paul was talking about.

3. Deciding to marry is still a deliberate act

Here’s where people often read way too much into this passage: So a couple is dating, and the hormones are running wild, and they’re finding it very hard to resist. Well, Paul said it was better to marry than to burn, so I guess that means we should get married!

But Paul is not saying, when you are burning with passion, you should marry. He was saying that if you’re someone with a high sex drive, you should aim to be married rather than aim to be single.

So don’t feel as if you’ve sinned by becoming sexually frustrated with someone, and don’t feel that if you are sexually frustrated with someone you’re dating, you now must marry them.

You still must be wise. None of this instruction means we should marry flippantly.

I was reviewing Tim Keller’s The Meaning of Marriage for our Great Sex Rescue book project, and it scored in the top middle of the pack. It had some things that we found iffy, but many things that were very good. But one of his points that he was making is that we look for mates all wrong. We’ll go into a room, and scan for the people who automatically attract us, and then we’ll talk to them to see if there’s a spark and if we’re interested in them.

Like this post? You may also enjoy:

10 Reasons Not to Kiss Dating Goodbye

Does He Have Good Character?

But in doing so, we write off 70-80% of the room. And often sexual attraction grows out of a deep friendship. Since it’s friendship that keeps your marriage together, it’s better to find people you are friends with and see if a spark grows (that’s my story with Keith! We were best friends for a year and a half before we started dating).

This picture used to be in Keith’s wallet

So look for friendship, not just attraction. Don’t marry in haste just because there’s attraction or sexual frustration. That’s not what Paul says at all.

Okay, with me so far? Two more things.

4. If you are going to marry, though, marry quickly

If you’ve found that friend with whom you have a spark; if you’re sure you’re going to marry; if you’re heading in that direction and you know this is a wise choice for you–then marry quickly. Long engagements aren’t wise. Sometimes they may be necessary, but in general, shorter engagements are to be preferred.

I think both my girls had about 6-7 month engagements, and that worked well for us. They dated for long enough before that that they knew for certain they were getting married, and at that point, let’s just get it done!

And one last one:

5. Burning is a big reason for marrying. So if you’re not burning, that could be an issue.

Sometimes we focus so much on being “holy” that we forget that you should be physically attracted to the person you marry, and you should find it hard to keep your hands off of them. We want to be pure so badly that we can almost be proud of ourselves for not being physically attracted to the person we’re going to marry, because we’ve so suppressed our sex drive.

But Paul is saying in this passage that if you are able to stay single, then stay single! But if you aren’t, then marry.

He’s expecting that those who marry will burn with passion.

I know that many women don’t have high libidos, or have so suppressed their sex drives that they don’t feel much of anything. But if you honestly don’t, if you aren’t burning at all, that likely is something to look into before the wedding. Read The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex and understand that sex is not shameful. Take our Honeymoon Course that talks about what arousal should be like.

God made sex to be AWESOME!

It’s supposed to be great physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Feel like something’s missing?

Check out The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex!

Talk to professional, licensed counselors if you have to if you’ve never had any sexual feelings at all. But realize that sex will be, and should be, a big part of your marriage. God never meant for us to turn of our sex drives. So let’s make sure that we do have one before we choose to marry!

What do you think of my five points about “it’s better to marry than to burn?” #5 is the one I’m having the hardest time articulating well. Do you agree with it? Disagree with it? Let’s talk in the comments!

Like this post? You may also enjoy:

Should You Marry Someone Who Uses Porn?

Does He Have Good Character?

10 Reasons Not to Kiss Dating Goodbye

Can Dating Long Distance Work?