Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 59

Defeating Porn: A Look Ahead at The Next Generation

What’s happening with the next generation when it comes to pornography? How will porn use affect them, and their marriages?

We’re in the last Monday in our series about porn in April. We looked at the effects of porn; at 4 things you should do if your spouse uses porn; at the 4 stages of recovery from porn. Plus we had a lot of extra posts throughout the month! I asked Connor to do some research into porn and sex trafficking, and some research into how big a problem porn really is.

And now, for our final post, I asked him to take another stab at some research and look at what is happening with children and porn, and what today’s teenagers may face. Here’s Connor!

This post contains affiliate links to offset the costs of the blog.

I am back with another post about porn, but this time we are going to be looking at its impact on the next generation.

Let’s talk about porn and our kids.

Porn is more accessible than ever before for adolescents.

Gone are the days of needing to go to the magazine rack in a store, picking up a dirty magazine, showing your ID, and paying for it. Anyone with a smartphone and an internet connection has access to porn right at their fingertips.

If a kid knows what porn is, it is so easy to find on the internet for free with no barriers to access. Even if they don’t know what it is, its not difficult to stumble upon it. Adult content is on social media, on game and animation sites such as Newgrounds, and in sidebar advertisements in many corners of the internet.

With it being so accepted and accessible in society, it’s no wonder that 53% of boys aged 12-15 admit to using porn [1]. That’s an upsettingly large number followed by an upsettingly low number.

It’s not just boys though. Also admitting to porn use are 28% of girls in the same age group, greater than one in four [1], though estimates of how many actually use porn whether they admit to it or not are higher [2]

So what’s the big deal?

I work at To Love Honor and Vacuum, I’m a father, and I keep my ear to the ground in the world of psychology research, so it’s only natural that I would look into the effects of pornography specifically on developing adolescent minds.

Let me tell you, at first glance the findings are scary.

But as always, I am not here to incite panic.

Let me explain. There is a lot of research on porn use in adolescence and the results point to this being an issue that all parents, religious or not, should take seriously. I could write a whole research paper on this alone, though I doubt it would make for great reading.

Instead, I want to briefly list a number of factors related to adolescent porn use, and then just keep moving right on into a constructive discussion of what we parents should take from this, and what we can do to protect our children.

First let’s talk about what appears to increase adolescent porn use:

Normalizing attitudes toward porn use [2-5]
Poor psychological well-being [6, 7]
Sensation seeking personalities [5-8]
A lack of perceived independence from parents [9, 10]
Peer pressure [11]
A history of abuse [12]

Next, what appears to result from adolescent porn use:

Increased likelihood for females of being a passive participant in unwanted sex [13]
More permissive sexual attitudes [3, 14-17]
Increased likelihood of sexually harassing others [3, 14-17]
Preoccupation with sex [3, 14-17]
Poor psychological well-being [4, 8, 18-20]
Reduced religious values over time [21]

Finally, what things are associated with porn use, but without a clear direction of cause and effect:

Here’s what I mean by that. These things are associated with porn use, but it’s not clear if porn use CAUSES these things, or if kids who do these things are more likely to use porn, or if they both feed each other:

 

Males who use porn generally have more distorted assumptions about sex life and negative gender attitudes (women are dumb, women are manipulative and deceitful, women need to know their place, etc.) [10, 11, 22, 23]
Adolescents with relational problems with peers are more likely to be frequent porn users [24, 25]
Online gaming, cyberbullying, and sharing nude/sexual selfies are more common behaviours  in adolescent porn users [26]
Internet risk behaviours (unsafe/inappropriate chat rooms, disclosure of personal details, sexual conversations with strangers, etc.) are more common in adolescent porn users [26]
Depression and lower self esteem are more common in boys who use porn, though they also perceive engaging with pornographic material to be a source of approval from peers [27, 28]
Adolescents who use porn tend to have sex younger and more frequently [29]
Social networking sites are positively correlated with both perceptions of peer approval and sexual behaviours (1, 27, 28)

If that list of correlates seems daunting, good. If you have kids, porn is something that you absolutely should not disregard. Their brains are still undergoing a lot of critical development, which makes them more susceptible than adults to the damaging effects of porn. And accidental exposure is easier today than ever before.

But not all is hopeless. The best thing you can do is prepare your household and your kids before they are exposed to porn. And even if they have already been exposed, there are still things you can do to mitigate or undo the potential harm.

1. Talk to your kids about porn

Trust me, do it. As uncomfortable as it may be, it is so much easier to protect them from porn when they can help protect themselves. And they can’t do that if they don’t even know they should be keeping an eye out for danger on the internet.

A lot of adolescents are first exposed to porn before they even know what they are looking at, and their curiosity may lead them to seek out more. But if you sit them down beforehand and explain what porn is, why they shouldn’t look at it, and what to do if they come across it (in a way that is appropriate for their age and their exposure to the internet), you can get ahead of the problem.

Think about it. If they don’t learn about it from you, they will learn about from the world. Whose definition of porn would you rather they learn? And we HIGHLY recommend Good Pictures, Bad Pictures books, with the younger one for kids 4-7, and the older one for kids 10-12.

Covenant Eyes Screen Accountability


Good Pictures, Bad Pictures Jr.


Good Pictures, Bad Pictures

Let them know that porn is fake. It’s not what real sex is like. Let them know that it is harmful for them, but also for many of the actors and actresses. Even though they may look like they are enjoying it, it often doesn’t feel good, and many of the actresses are being forced to do things they don’t want to do. (For more information about the link between porn and sex trafficking, check out this other post I wrote here)

Talking to them about porn is like a vaccine. A little uncomfortable at first, but it will help protect them if they are exposed.

If you need help figuring out how to approach the talk, check out The Whole Story. With a younger and older version for each gender, it will guide you and your kid through topics like puberty, sex, porn, and hygiene at an age-appropriate level. Check it out  HERE. And we’ve got a special on right now during COVID so that you can take advantage of having a captive audience!

You’re telling me WHAT goes WHERE?!

Talking about sex with your kids doesn’t always go smoothly. 

That’s why we created The Whole Story, our online course that walks parents through the tough conversations and does the hard parts for you!

Learn More!



















2. Keep lines of communication open

This is just an important parenting tip in general, but is particularly helpful for porn. You want your kid to feel comfortable coming to you if they come across porn on the internet, or if they have general questions about the subject.

They will likely feel embarrassed, or even shameful, even if it was an accident, so it is important to maintain a shame-free and judgement-free environment. Otherwise they may keep it a secret.

In fact, research finds that poor parent-child relationships, low parental care, and low family commitment/communication are associated with more frequent porn use [11, 30]. This shouldn’t be the only reason you want to have a good parent-child relationship, but it is another reason that communication is important.

3. Raise them to respect the other gender

Teach your kids from a young age that people are children of God first, male or female second. This may seem like a no-brainer, but research shows that men who solicit prostitutes are far less likely to have been taught in sex-ed that women are equally deserving of respect [31]. It makes a big difference. Teaching them to see the equal value in both their own and the opposite gender can likewise reduce the appeal of porn, especially porn that is violent or degrading in nature.

This is important, because violent and degrading porn use is common among adolescents, and is associated with increased at-risk behaviours and their likelihood of being sexually victimized [32]. Boys who use porn are also more likely to sexually harass others.

Porn will try to teach your kids if you don’t teach them first.

Other Posts You May Enjoy:

Why I Didn’t Rebel
10 things to know about talking to your kids about sex
Top 10 mistakes I made teaching kids about sex
10 Things to Know about Porn and Your Family


4. Monitor screen time

Monitoring your kid’s screen time is not just a great way to discourage inappropriate internet use, but also just a good parenting move in general.

There are a number of ways you can do this, but I suggest keeping computers and TVs in common areas. Nothing discourages risky searches like knowing your dad is reading a book just a couple of metres (like feet but longer) away.

If your kids are just starting to be introduced to the internet, it is helpful to teach them how to avoid clicking on ads or pop ups. You can also have rules that they are only allowed to go on a few sites. If they want to add a new one, they need to convince you why they should, and then you vet it to see if it is safe. My parents took this approach with me, and I learned as a result that the internet is not a place to roam freely. It is a place to be cautious because not everything is safe.

If your kids don’t already have personal screen devices like smart phones, tablets, or laptops, hold off on buying those as long as you can. Non-smart phones like the Nokia 3310 3G are starting to make a comeback. They are cheaper, still call and text, and many of them don’t support wi-fi. You can also have tablets or laptops that the kids can use, but that are considered “family devices,” so they stay in common areas.

If your kids already have phones or other devices, there are still steps you can take. You might set up a charging station in the living room where all devices get plugged in each night before bed. You might use the device settings to set up screen time limits or to block certain apps. And, of course, you can always turn the wifi off every night at 10:30 (or whenever you choose). This also encourages everybody to get some sleep!

An important note here though: pick an approach according to your situation. You don’t want it to feel like you are depriving your kids of too much of their independence. That can strain your relationship, and in some cases can also push kids toward porn [9, 10].

Silhouette of sad teenage girl looking out the window on a cold autumn day

5. Install Covenant Eyes

Covenant Eyes is practically a must if you have kids in your house, especially if they have devices. You can put it on all of your kids devices and the home computer, so wherever your kids go, you can rest assured they are protected. You can set up strict filters so they can’t access questionable sites, but internet filters typically also block many sites with comments features, including Youtube. Covenant Eyes has a lot of configuration options so you can select the best coverage for your family, but the feature that really sets it apart is the screen accountability.

You can set up Covenant Eyes so that monitors rather than blocks internet behaviour. You can adjust how sensitive you want it to be, and then it will keep track of what happens on your kid’s devices, sending you a report of questionable activity. You can then review the sites in question and decide whether to bring it up with your kid. If your kids know that you know what they’re up to, they will be a lot more discerning in how they use the internet.

 

Find freedom from porn!

Your marriage, and your thought life, do not need to be held captive to pornography.

There is freedom. 

Beat porn–together!

I want to find freedom!

However…

6. Be open-minded

When kids feel they need to keep secrets from their parents, they start to see disclosure as optional. And often, NON-disclosure will seem a lot less uncomfortable. That means that when it comes to creating boundaries around the internet, less is often more.

The world is changing at a lightning pace, and you might not see value in the same things that your kids do. But we need to distinguish between what we think is pointless and what is actually harmful. When we aren’t open-minded about our children’s interests, we risk pushing them toward secrecy.

Now, obviously, I am not talking about allowing anything that is blatantly harmful like porn or porn-adjacent material. But if your kid likes a musical genre that you dislike, or if they really enjoy a TV show that looks stupid to you, or you see that they have gone on a site that you don’t think they should have though you don’t have a reason why, don’t automatically write those things off. Recognize that there is a difference between taste and morality. Honestly evaluate these things for what they are, and talk to your kids about them. Find out why your kids are interested in these things and see if there is really any harm being done. If something is actually harmful, explain why.

If your kids are convinced that you only say no to things that are actually bad for them, they won’t feel the need to keep harmless things a secret from you. And you will actually be helping them to develop discernment for themselves as well.

When the problem is that “mom wouldn’t approve,” the solution is to keep it a secret. When the problem is that something is unhealthy, the solution is to avoid it.

7. Check in with your kids

You may notice a lot of the advice here is about communication and openness. That’s because it really is your best tool in the fight against porn. You can protect your kids so much just by talking to them about porn, and giving them clear instructions for what to do if they come across it. You want them to come to you, but you should also go to them.

Check in on how they are doing socially and emotionally. Are they having trouble with other kids at school? If they are playing lots of online games, what kinds of interactions are they having with other players? Are they being disrespectful towards girls in their life? Are they showing signs of depression, anxiety, or low self-esteem?

These are all issues that should themselves be addressed (and in doing so, you may reduce the risk of them seeking porn), but they may also be signs that your kids are secretly using porn, or that there is something else going on. Don’t assume, but it’s worth looking into.

Again, this is why we created The Whole Story (and my brother-in-law David and I actually feature in the boys’ version, telling some of our stories about battles with porn!). The Whole Story is not meant to be a replacement for parents, but rather a resource to start these conversations, so that you can keep them going. That’s what’s important–that YOU are actually able to talk with your kids about important things. So check out The Whole Story, while it’s on its super-low COVID price!

 

Let me see The Whole Story!



The battle against porn is not hopeless

Society has normalized porn, and many people see it as a rite of passage or a coming of age. But it is not healthy, and it is not inescapable. If you take the right steps, you can give your kids a fighting chance against a pornographic culture, while teaching them how to discern healthy from harmful. I hope you come away from this post with a better understanding of the power you have to safeguard your kids from porn.

What do you think? Do you have other methods you have used? Is there anything that has helped or hindered? Let me know in the comments!

 

Sources

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Bleakley, A; Hennessy, M; Fishbein, M. A model of adolescents’ seeking of sexual content in their media choices. Journal of Sex Research, 2011.48, 309–315.


Koletić, G., Longitudinal associations between the use of sexually explicit material and adolescents’ attitudes and behaviors: A narrative review of studies. Journal of Adolescence, 2017. 57, 119–133.


Anderson, E. L., Steen, E., & Stavropoulos, V. Internet use and problematic Internet use: A systematic review of longitudinal research trends in adolescence and emergent adulthood. International Journal of Adolescence and Youth, 2016. 1–25.


Wolak, J., Mitchell, K., & Finkelhor, D. Unwanted and wanted exposure to online pornography in a national sample of youth Internet users. Pediatrics, 2007. 119(2), 247–257.


Jones, C. M., L. Scholes, D. Johnson, M. Katsikitis, and M. C. Carras. Gaming well: links between videogames and flourishing mental health. Frontiers in Psychology, 2015. 5; 260. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2014.00260


Peter, J., & Valkenburg, P. M. Adolescents’ exposure to sexually explicit material on the Internet. Communication Research, 2006. 33(2), 178–204.


Vandenbosch, L., van Oosten, J. M., & Peter, J. Sexually Explicit Internet Material and Adolescents’ Sexual Performance Orientation: The Mediating Roles of Enjoyment and Perceived Utility. Media Psychology 2017, 1–25.


Owens, E. W., Behun, R. J., Manning, J. C., & Reid, R. C. (2012). The impact of Internet pornography on adolescents: A review of the research. Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity, 2012. 19(1–2), 99–122.


Stanley, N., Barter, C., Wood, M., Aghtaie, N., Larkins, C., Lanau, A., & Överlien, C. Pornography, sexual coercion and abuse and sexting in young people’s intimate relationships: A European study. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 2016. 1, 1–26. doi:10.1177/0886260516633204


Weber, M., Quiring, O., & Daschmann, G. Peers, Parents and Pornography: Exploring Adolescents’ Exposure to Sexually Explicit Material and Its Developmental Correlates. Sexuality & Culture, 2012. 16(4), 408–427.


Larkin, M., & Thompson, A. Interpretative phenomenological analysis. Qualitative research methods in mental health and psychotherapy: A guide for students and practitioners, 2012. 101–116.


Peter, J., & Valkenburg, P. M. Adolescents’ Exposure to Sexually Explicit Internet Material, Sexual Uncertainty, and Attitudes Toward Uncommitted Sexual Exploration Is There a Link? Communication Research, 2008. 35 (5), 579–601.


Mesch, G. S. Social bonds and Internet pornographic exposure among adolescents. Journal of Adolescence, 2009. 32(3), 601–618.



Stavropoulos, V., Gentile, D., & Motti–Stefanidi, F. A multilevel longitudinal study of adolescent Internet addiction: The role of obsessive–compulsive symptoms and classroom openness to experience. European Journal of Developmental Psychology, 2016a. 13(1), 99–114.



Douglas, A. C., Mills, J. E., Niang, M., Stepchenkova, S., Byun, S., Ruffini, C., … & Blanton, M. Internet addiction: Meta–synthesis of qualitative research for the decade 1996–2006. Computers in Human Behavior, 2008. 24(6), 3027–3044.


Stavropoulos, V., Wilson, P., Kuss, D., Griffiths, M., & Gentile, D.
A multilevel longitudinal study of experiencing virtual presence in adolescence: the role of anxiety and openness to experience in the classroom. Behaviour & Information Technology, 2017. 36(5), 524–539.


Reiner, I., Tibubos, A. N., Hardt, J., Müller, K., Wölfling, K., & Beutel, M. E., Peer attachment, specific patterns of Internet use and problematic Internet use in male and female adolescents. European Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, 2017. 1–12.


Ševčíková, A., Šerek, J., Barbovschi, M., & Daneback, K., The Roles of Individual Characteristics and Liberalism in Intentional and Unintentional Exposure to Online Sexual Material Among European Youth: A Multilevel Approach. Sexuality Research and Social Policy, 2014. 1–12.


Chen, A. S., Leung, M., Chen, C. H., & Yang, S. C. Exposure to Internet pornography among Taiwanese adolescents. Social Behavior and Personality: an international journal, 2013. 41(1), 157–164.


Stavropoulos, V., K. Alexandraki, and F. Motti–Stefanidi. Flow and telepresence contributing to Internet abuse: Differences according to gender and age. Computers in Human Behavior, 2013. 29 (5):1941–1948. doi:10.1016/j.chb.2013.03.01


Svedin C.G., Akerman I., Priebe G. Frequent users of pornography. A population based epidemiological study of Swedish male adolescents. Journal of adolescence,2010, 34(4):779–88.


To, S. M., Iu Kan, S. M., & Ngai, S. S. Y. Interaction effects between exposure to sexually explicit online materials and individual, family, and extrafamilial factors on Hong Kong high school students’ beliefs about gender role equality and body–centered sexuality. Youth & Society, 2015, 47(6), 747–768. doi: 10.1177/0044118X13490764


Rivera, R., Santos, D., Cabrera, V., & Docal, M. C. Online and Offline Pornography Consumption in Colombian Adolescents/Consumo de pornografía on–line y off–line en adolescentes colombianos. Comunicar, 2016. 24(46), 37–45. doi: 10.3916/C46–2016–04


Mattebo, M., Tydén, T., Häggström–Nordin, E., Nilsson, K. W., & Larsson, M. Pornography Consumption, Sexual Experiences, Lifestyles, and Self–rated Health Among Male Adolescents in Sweden. Journal of Developmental & Behavioral Pediatrics, 2013, 34(7), 460–468


Chang, F. C., Chiu, C. H., Miao, N. F., Chen, P. H., Lee, C. M., & Chiang, J. T. Predictors of unwanted exposure to online pornography and online sexual solicitation of youth. Journal of Health Psychology, 2016. 21(6), 1107–1118. doi: 10.1177/1359105314546775


Doornwaard, S. M., van den Eijnden, R. J., Overbeek, G., & ter Bogt, T. F. Differential developmental profiles of adolescents using sexually explicit Internet material. The Journal of Sex Research, 2015. 52(3), 269–281. doi:10.1080/00224499.2013.866195


Doornwaard, S. M., Ter Bogt, T. F., Reitz, E., & Van Den Eijnden, R. J. Sex–related online behaviors, perceived peer norms and adolescents’ experience with sexual behavior: testing an integrative model. PloS one, 2015. 10 (6), e0127787. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0127787


Mattebo, M., Tydén, T., Häggström–Nordin, E., Nilsson, K. W., & Larsson, M. Pornography Consumption, Sexual Experiences, Lifestyles, and Self–rated Health Among Male Adolescents in Sweden. Journal of Developmental & Behavioral Pediatrics, 2013, 34(7), 460–468.


Ybarra, M. L., & Mitchell, K. J. Exposure to Internet pornography among children and adolescents: A national survey. CyberPsychology & Behavior, 2005. 8(5), 473–486.

 Polaris Project. (n.d.) 2018 U.S. national human trafficking hotline statistics. https://polarisproject.org/2018-us-national-human-trafficking-hotline-statistics/

Doornwaard, S. M., Ter Bogt, T. F., Reitz, E., & Van Den Eijnden, R. J. Sex–related online behaviors, perceived peer norms and adolescents’ experience with sexual behavior: testing an integrative
model. PloS one, 2015. 10 (6), e0127787. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0127787

Resources to Help Kids & Adults Understand Consent and Sexual Assault

In church, we simply don’t have a good working understanding of the importance of consent in sex.

I think it’s because we tend to operate with the idea that women aren’t allowed to say no to sex, and that sex is an entitlement upon marriage. As we found in our survey, and as we’ll talk about in our upcoming book The Great Sex Rescue, when women feel like sex is an obligation, orgasm rates go down, libido goes down, and rates of sexual pain go up. If we want women to have fulfilling sex lives, and marriages to feel intimate, we need to talk about sex in a healthy way–as a passionate, mutual “knowing” of each other where both people matter.

Rebecca and I talked about this in our podcast yesterday, prompted by this comment that was left after ANOTHER podcast about The Act of Marriage two weeks ago:

I find it so bizarre that the church so rarely talks about consent – in fact outside of this blog I don’t think I’ve ever heard a sermon or Sunday School lesson or *anything* church related that mentioned it. I grew up with the “sex before marriage = bad!” talks in church, and I’m assuming that youth leaders just assumed that teenagers would know that pressuring others into sex or sexual acts was wrong because those were wrong outside of marriage anyway? I think that the importance of sexual purity and sexual consent should be treated almost like two separate issues and that the church should begin education around consent as young as they do sexual purity.

As I think about this it saddens and baffles me that that even has to be addressed. My husband loses interest in having sex with me if I don’t seem very into it, let alone if I was crying or screaming! How exactly do the “Christian” men who do this to their wives view themselves as loving or caring for them? How do they see that as laying down their lives for their wives as Christ did for the church?

We tackled it in depth yesterday (please listen in to that podcast!), but today I thought I’d share some resources to help us talk about consent in a good way. But first, let’s talk about what NOT to do.

About a year ago, this “Sexual Refusal Commitment” made the rounds on the internet. I bookmarked it to put in our book, and this week I reopened that thread to get some additional facts. And since I brought it up again, it’s gone completely viral. You may have seen it (many have sent it to me again), but here it is:

(I believe that this was part of a handout from a Phyllis & Shane Womack marriage conference on Sex & Solomon, according to the person who originally uploaded it last year, but if anyone has more information, I’d appreciate it!)

This is an example of lack of consent. It tells women that they have no right to refuse, which is entirely different from the “do not deprive.” The verses do not say do not refuse, and do not refuse is infinitely different from do not deprive. In fact, the do not deprive passage also is warped when we think of sex as being about a man’s ejaculation, rather than an intimate, passionate, pleasurable experience for both. God doesn’t want us to be deprived of healthy sexuality in marriage; he isn’t concerned that a man gets to ejaculate as often as he wants. And yet we read it as the second.

Again, listen in to the consent podcast yesterday!

The second thing that comes to mind was some comment mining we were doing for our book, The Great Sex Rescue. I came across some comments from men with regards to sex in the postpartum phase or during her period. Several guys said that the do not deprive verses were saying that you couldn’t say no except by mutual consent. And they said nothing about a doctor’s consent. So if she’s refusing and he doesn’t want her to refuse, she’s in sin. If he doesn’t agree with the refusal, then it’s not mutual.

In his mind, you need two nos to refuse sex, but only one yes to have it.

That’s so twisted and warped, and exactly the opposite of consent and what we should be looking for.

We need two yeses to have sex, and only one no to stop it. 

Here’s how I think about consent:

At essence, understanding consent is twofold: It’s understanding that you have the right to say no to something that you don’t want, and it’s understanding that you need to honour someone else’s no.

And yet I don’t think this has been taught or understood nearly enough in Christian circles, because instead we’ve had things like that “sexual refusal commitment” hanging around, along with messages that men will automatically lust depending on what a woman wears. All of this adds up to women feeling as if they have no ability or right to have their no heard.

You may also enjoy:

What do the “Do Not Deprive” Verses Mean? (a 3-part series)
What if the “Do Not Deprive” Verses apply more to Women than Men?

A while ago on the blog, a frequent commenter said that she had only recently understood that she had been a victim of date rape as a teen. She hadn’t wanted sex; she had said no; but because she grew up in the purity culture that told her that men couldn’t resist sex, she felt it was her fault because of what she was wearing, and because she kissed him (which then obviously led to sex). It was only now, many years later, that she realized that she wasn’t to blame because she did say no, and her no should have been listened to.

So we need to talk about this well!

I asked on Facebook the other day for some resources to help kids understand consent, and some resources that can help us start the conversation as well. Some great suggestions came in! And so I’d like to share them with you:

Preparing Kids to Understand Consent

We need to teach kids from an early age that they are allowed to say no, and also that their bodies are their own. Here are some great resources for that:

Children’s Resources on Consent
1. Don’t Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus

An awesome picture book that tells kids at the very beginning–no matter what happens, don’t let the pigeon drive the bus! The rest of the book is the pigeon trying to convince the child to let him drive the bus, and the child has to keep saying no. It teaches kids how to keep their “no” even if people try to manipulate them. Plus it’s really, really funny.

See it on Amazon!



2. God Made All of Me: A Book to Help Kids Protect their Bodies

A great book to help kids understand body autonomy:

 

Get it on Amazon!



3. Honour your children’s “no”–and allow them to express it.

One woman on Facebook shared this story:

The dad of the family was tickling his daughter (age 5). She started saying “stop it stop it”. He did not stop immediately and told her “I didn’t hear your nice words”. He proceeded to tickle her until she said “stop tickling me please” (you know between breaths). It burned me up! He just demonstrated that he did not respect her decisions about her body and also that she has to ask nicely for a man to quit touching her. I feel like saying “please” when you ask for something is great to teach kids, but not when someone else is acting upon them in a way they didn’t ask for to begin with. I think it’s also important for males and females alike to understand that women sometimes have a tendency to say “yes” to things they don’t really want just because they don’t want to say “no” to their man. Sometimes because they think it will hurt his feelings, because they feel they already put themselves in a compromising position, etc. so we should make sure in any interaction that we and our partner are truly comfortable and relaxed.

4. Ask Kids Permission to Touch

The organization Darkness to Light also helps parents teach kids about consent, and they have this great video to guide adults in how to talk to kids before you touch them (the stuff about coaches at the beginning is especially good):

 

5. Teach Kids They’re the “Boss of their Body”

And this catchy YouTube video helps kids understand that they’re the boss of their body–in all kinds of circumstances:

 

 
Preparing Teens to Understand Consent
1. Would you like a cup of tea?

A while ago, a British organization made this amazing video comparing consent to sex with a cup of tea. It’s pretty awesome! This was one I was already thinking of, but so many people recommended it, too.

 
2. Take the Consent Quiz!

The National Sexual Violence Resource Center has a great Consent Quiz that teens can take. Again, we may run into the same problem that we’re asking kids not to have sex until they’re married anyway, so some may think this doesn’t apply to them. But it’s important that everybody realize they can say no, and having the conversation that consent is true whether you’re married or not is also important.

Take the quiz!

3. Make these conversations easier

I know having conversations about sex and consent and dating and all of these things can be difficult with teens and preteens, but we also want to make that easier for you right now. My daughters and I created an online video course called the Whole Story: Not so Awkward Talks about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up. My daughters do the videos for the girls explaining sex, body changes, dating, peer pressure, and more, while mother-daughter discussions and exercises help YOU continue the conversation. We’ve got it available in two groups: for girls aged 10-12, and then for girls aged 13-15. A year later we added the boy’s version, featuring TV personality Sheldon Neil from Crossroads TV, with my sons-in-law sharing stories, too.

We’ve drastically cut the price during COVID, because we think now is an awesome time to take advantage of this course while you’re stuck at home! And then you can start these conversations, and also start talking about consent. Check it out here!

You’re telling me WHAT goes WHERE?!

Talking about sex with your kids doesn’t always go smoothly. 

That’s why we created The Whole Story, our online course that walks parents through the tough conversations and does the hard parts for you!

Learn More!



















So that’s a smorgasbord of resources to start talking about consent. 

I think this is an important conversation to have in Christian circles, and we don’t do it well. Let’s change that!

Do you have any other resources on consent you’d recommend? Why do you think we’re so bad at this? What did you think of the “Sexual Refusal Commitment”? Let’s talk in the comments!

PODCAST: Marital Rape, Consent, and the Problem with “Obligation Sex”

What does consent mean in marriage? And is there marital rape?

On today’s podcast we’re going to tackle a touchy topic. Two weeks ago, in our podcast about the book The Act of Marriage, we read the story of “Aunt Matilda”, who was raped on her wedding night, and then repeatedly throughout her marriage. But Tim LaHaye didn’t see this as a bad thing. He instead chided Aunt Matilda for not enjoying sex and for seeing sex in such negative terms.

In response, a commenter wrote this interesting thought:

The rape part is incredibly disturbing. I find it so bizarre that the church so rarely talks about consent – in fact outside of this blog I don’t think I’ve ever heard a sermon or Sunday School lesson or *anything* church related that mentioned it. I grew up with the “sex before marriage = bad!” talks in church, and I’m assuming that youth leaders just assumed that teenagers would know that pressuring others into sex or sexual acts was wrong because those were wrong outside of marriage anyway? I think that the importance of sexual purity and sexual consent should be treated almost like two separate issues and that the church should begin education around consent as young as they do sexual purity.

As I think about this it saddens and baffles me that that even has to be addressed. My husband loses interest in having sex with me if I don’t seem very into it, let alone if I was crying or screaming! How exactly do the “Christian” men who do this to their wives view themselves as loving or caring for them? How do they see that as laying down their lives for their wives as Christ did for the church?

So in today’s podcast, and then tomorrow on the blog, we’d like to talk more about consent, marital rape, and the problem with “obligation sex”. Rebecca joins me for this one (and believe me, she got rather hot under the collar. If her shirt has collars. Which it probably doesn’t. But she got passionate, anyway!)

Listen in:

Listen to the Podcast Here

Browse all the Different Podcasts

See the Last “Start Your Engines” (Men’s) Podcast

Let’s talk marital rape

We tackled three topics in the podcast: What marital rape looks like; what consent means; and why the obligation sex message hurts marriages.

In our segment on marital rape, we gave examples of things that constitute marital rape. We found in our Bare Marriage survey of 22,000 women, and in our subsequent focus groups, that far too many women experienced rape in marriage, especially on their wedding night. And yet they also didn’t have words for it, because we don’t talk about it as if it’s a thing.

Rebecca and I go into a lot of detail here, but you can read more in this post on marital rape.

Let’s talk consent

Sometimes the issue isn’t sexual assault, but it’s just simply consent. And here’s the point that Rebecca was making over and over:

You can’t truly say yes if you can’t also say no.

If you aren’t allowed to say no to sex, then you can’t freely say yes. And God set up intimacy so that free will is at the foundation. You can’t have real love, or real intimacy, without free will, which means the right to say no. 

You may also enjoy:

1 Corinthians 7:3-5: What do the verses really mean? (A 3-part series)
Do Not Deprive: What if it’s actually women who are being deprived?
Why We Need a New Definition of Sex
Have we made sex into an entitlement?

Let’s talk obligation sex

Now here’s the tricky one. When women grow up hearing that they aren’t allowed to say no to sex, or else their husbands will lust, have affairs, or else they won’t be good wives and they’ll be in sin, then that can really warp a woman’s view of sex.

We believe that sex is a passionate, mutual “knowing” of each other that encompasses physical intimacy, but also spiritual and emotional intimacy. That’s why God used the Hebrew word for “deep knowing” to describe sex, instead of just talking about it in physical terms. 1 Corinthians 7:3-5, then, cannot be understood without a biblical view of sex. Those verses are not saying that you’re not allowed to refuse a husband’s desire for ejaculation (because ejaculation alone isn’t biblical sex). Those verses are saying that life-giving intimacy should be a regular part of your marriage. And that should be entirely mutual. 

We’ll be talking about this at length in The Great Sex Rescue (our upcoming book), but what we found in our surveys and focus groups is that believing that you have an obligation to give your husband sexual release is one of the most damaging beliefs to a woman’s sex drive and sexual response. It’s correlated with much higher rates of sexual pain, and much lower rates of orgasm.

And yet far too many books teach that women cannot say no (and we read a variety of quotes from them in the podcast).

There is a much better way of talking about the need for sexual intimacy in marriage–a way that does not make women feel invisible or used. And if we want to have healthy sex, we need to get back to speaking about sex in a healthy, holistic way, rather than simply an entitlement way.

Believe me–I am a huge proponent of wonderful, passionate, frequent sex in marriage! I’ve written The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex. 31 Days to Great Sex is coming out again in August with Zondervan. I’ve created 24 Sexy Dares to spice up your marriage. I have a Boost Your Libido course for women who want to feel alive again.

But you can’t get to healthy sex through unhealthy teaching. And teaching that erases women’s experience and women’s needs is not healthy, and is not biblical.

 

God made sex to be AWESOME!

It’s supposed to be great physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Feel like something’s missing?

Check out The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex!

I also mentioned these posts in the podcast:

Why submission doesn’t mean letting yourself be hurt (a look at the book Created to be His Helpmeet)
Sexual trauma & The Body Keeps the Score

UPDATE: I just listened to the podcast this morning, and I wish I had said more that it’s also okay to say no if you just don’t want to right now. We mentioned it at one point, but I wish we had said it more. I talked about saying no if you’re in pain, grieving, etc. etc. because I was trying to be hyperbolic–“they don’t even give caveats for pain!” But I really should have mentioned that it’s okay to say no if you just don’t want to right now. So sorry about that!

Yes, sex should be a vital part of your marriage. But that does not mean you have to say yes every single time your spouse wants it, because self-control is a fruit of the Spirit. What God wants is for HEALTHY sexuality to be a vital part of your marriage, which means a mutual, passionate, “knowing” of each other. It doesn’t mean that your desires don’t matter. So I wanted to reiterate that here!

What do you think? How can we talk about consent in a healthier way? Why do we not talk about it in church? Let’s talk in the comments!

How to Break the Stronghold of Porn

If you feel stuck in a porn addiction, how do you break that stronghold?

This month, in April, we’re talking about defeating porn every Monday–but there’s so much to say that I’m carrying that series over into other days of the week! We’ve looked at the effects of porn on your brain, your marriage and your sex life; we’ve looked at how big a problem porn actually is; we’ve looked at what porn recovery should look like.

I’ve written previously on three steps to stop a porn addiction, and today I want to break it down into one major step to break the stronghold. This is how we fight on the spiritual level when something has enslaved us–whether you’re a man addicted to porn or a woman addicted to porn. You feel like you can’t do anything about it. It keeps drawing you to it.

But how do we fight temptation towards porn–or towards temptation in general?

 

2 Corinthians 10:3-5

For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

We don’t just try to do this in our own strength. We recognize that sometimes we are ensnared in a way that affects our spirit, and that affects the spiritual realm around us. And so we have to fight in that spiritual realm. And how do we do that? With weapons that have divine power to demolish strongholds.

And what are those weapons? Taking every thought captive and demolishing the arguments and pretensions that set themselves up against God.

That may sound high-faluting and confusing, but as I was writing this series, I came across a sermon by Greg Boyd that dealt with this beautifully, and I think he explains this perfectly.

He opens up by talking about the essential problem of temptation is how we choose to see the world. “Will we choose to see sin for the ugly thing that it is, or will we allow ourselves to be deceived and see it as something positive?” And then turns to an interaction he had had with a man who was addicted to porn and losing his marriage. (and the video should start at 34:35, but if it doesn’t, fast forward there and watch for about 6 minutes).

And here’s my transcription, which isn’t word for word, but which gives the gist of it:

[After the important preamble about how we handle temptation and how we see the world, Boyd turns specifically to temptation]:

I told him: “Think of the last time you watched porn. What was going on in your head right before you did it? What were you thinking? Because you were thinking about it in some way to make porn seem positive.”

He was thinking of images. They seem positive. They seem fun. They pull him along.

Does God see this as a positive thing?

No.

The truth is that this activity is ugly, damaging, and destroys people. It destroys marriages and relationships, and it harms people psychologically and in a lot of ways. It’s a gross, ugly thing. It’s part of the kingdom of darkness. It’s the same kingdom that sex traffics children. When you give energy to porn, you give energy to that kingdom.

I asked him, “Do you want to participate in that?”

He said no.

If that’s how God sees it, then you need to see it that way, too.

“Whatever images you had going into last night’s fall, you saw them as positive. Now see them as God sees them. As ugly. See it for what it really is.”

They prayed that he would see it that way, and he saw the same image, but this time it was disgusting. He saw this woman, and she was miserable, and chained up, and there were these rat creatures laughing as they were crawling on her.  And he was helping those creatures do that the night before.

Nothing about that picture would turn him on. Now he’s seeing things according to truth.

“The next time you feel this pull—and you will—make the choice to see it the way God sees it. Don’t be deceived. It’s ugly, gross, and damaging, and part of the kingdom of darkness.”

But I don’t want that guy thinking of all sex in that gross kind of way, because he’s married. So I said, “once you’ve done that, set it aside.” And I asked him, “what’s God’s purpose for sex?”

And he said, “to become one flesh with your wife.”

I said, “Good! So see that positively, because that will draw you towards her, and that’s the purpose of the whole thing.”

Ask God to represent the thing that you are struggling with and help you to see it as God sees it. It’s not good. It’s not positive. It’s evil, and it ensnares, and this is true whether it’s pornography or video games or social media or erotica or alcohol or cigarettes too much sugar that is killing your body.

Find freedom from porn!

Your marriage, and your thought life, do not need to be held captive to pornography.

There is freedom. 

Beat porn–together!

I want to find freedom!

If Jesus is the Way, the Truth, and the Life, then when we see things as Jesus does, we line up with Truth. That puts us on the side of Jesus. And with His strength, with His power and the power of the Holy Spirit, we can demolish those strongholds.

But we only demolish them inasmuch as we agree with Jesus about their very nature.

I love how Greg phrases the prayer that you can have for yourself when you are battling temptation in this sermon, and I invite you to listen to this, and pray about it yourself.

We can demolish strongholds. Porn does not have to have this power over you. May we see it for what it is. May we agree with how God sees it. And may we ask God to give us that picture, that we may never find it enticing again.

 

Found this post helpful? You may also benefit from:

4 Things You Must Do if Your Husband Uses Porn

10 Things to Know About How Porn Affects Your Sex Life and Marriage

Is Porn Stealing His Sex Drive?

You Can Recover From Your Husband’s Porn use

What do you think? Have you ever had to ask for God’s perspective on a sin area? What happened? Let’s talk in the comments!

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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.


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Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:

10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?



Check out some of Sheila's Books:

The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum



Check out Sheila's Courses:

The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course



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The Truth About Porn’s Role in Sex Trafficking

How is porn related to sex trafficking?

We’ve been talking in the month of April in our Monday series on porn and how to recover from it. We started by talking about the effects of porn; we looked at 4 things you had to do if you spouse used porn, and then yesterday we turned to the 4 stages of recovery in porn use. (Plus we’ve had a lot of extra posts about porn!).

I’ve been trying to show that porn harms your brain, your sex life, your sex drive, your sexual response, your libido, and so much more, plus it does tremendous emotional damage to the spouse of the porn user.

But one of the things I’ve also said repeatedly, both in posts and in the comments, is that even if you don’t believe any of that, porn is wrong because real people are being hurt. Porn is heavily implicated in sex trafficking.

I asked Connor to do some research into this, and write a post for me on porn’s effects on the human trafficking industry, and here we go!

Trigger Warning

This post will be discussing porn and its relationship to sexual trafficking. It will involve acknowledgements of sexual violence, manipulation, underage exploitation, and rape. If you have experienced a related trauma in the past, or are otherwise concerned about about how you might react to a discussion of these topics, this post may not be for you. I will not be going into graphic detail, nor will I be including testimonies from porn actors and actresses who were trafficked. There are other sites dedicated to fighting porn, such as Fight the New Drug that include such stories for those who are interested in hearing their perspective, but be warned, it can be pretty upsetting. Finally, there will be no sudden twists in the post. As long as you read the headings, you will know what is coming up, and can decide whether to read on from there.

This is not going to be a fun post

It will be informative. It will hopefully be helpful. But it will not be fun.

I am a cheerful, easygoing kind of guy, who likes to find light and humour even in dark situations. Things don’t bother me. Things don’t get to me. But researching this and writing about it leaves me feeling just… heavy. I struggled for a whole day with how to convey the information while still keeping things relatively light, only to conclude that I can’t. With everything I have learned about the realm of sex trafficking, I am personally convinced that it is the single most vile and depraved thing the world has to offer. This is a heavy topic, but that is all the more reason that we SHOULD be talking about it.

I am not here to heap guilt on the shoulders of those who already feel convicted about their porn use, but to start a conversation. If you have been struggling with the temptation of porn, this might motivate you to work on improving, or to just drop it altogether. If you know someone else who is struggling, or who simply doesn’t see the harm in watching porn, encourage them to read this post.

With all of that preamble out of the way, let’s get right into it.

Pornography is not just an individual problem

Last week, I wrote about how the consequences of porn use are serious, but not cataclysmic or irreparable for porn users themselves. But you are not the only one affected by the images you look at. The porn industry and the sex trafficking industry have a troubling and symbiotic nature, such that you can’t feed into one without feeding into the other. To boil the relationship down into three key points:

Porn increases the demand for sex trafficking,
porn uses sex trafficking, and
porn determines what happens to the victims of sex trafficking.

What is Sex Trafficking?

The accepted definition of sex trafficking as laid out in the Trafficking Victims Protection Act (TVPA) defines sex trafficking as when: “a commercial sex act is induced by force, fraud, or coercion, or in which the person induced to perform such act has not attained 18 years of age. [1]” A commercial sex act is “any sex act on account of which anything of value is given to or received by any person. [1]”

Sex trafficking, then, doesn’t just apply to the typical mental image of starving women chained up in a shipping container or drug den. People who drive themselves home from a porn shoot with a paycheck in hand are also victims of sex trafficking if at any time they were incited to do anything with which they were not comfortable.

Where is Sex Trafficking?

It’s everywhere. It’s a lot more common than we typically think, even in America, the Land of the Free. In fact, America is one of the larger hubs for sex trafficking [2] Despite being a hugely under reported crime, in 2018, the National Human Trafficking Hotline still identified 8,498 active cases of sex trafficking and 16,137 survivors [3]. And not just the “driving home with a paycheck” kind.

It’s not just people brought to America from other countries, either. In fact, the majority of victims of sex trafficking (especially minors) are U.S. Citizens [4]. This is a problem that is right on our doorstep.

Who is the typical victim of sex trafficking?

Kids right from our communities. I will talk more about some risk factors later, but in terms of demographics in the states it is mostly young American girls. In 2008, There were believed to be at least 100,000 victims of Domestic Minor Sex Trafficking (DMST) in America [2] and 4 in 5 victims are female [3]. That was over a decade ago, and sex trafficking is currently the fastest growing illegal industry. This next statement really turns my stomach though. The average age of people trafficked into prostitution are 11-14 years old, and most females are dead (killed) within 7 years. The leading cause is homicide, followed by AIDS [3, 4].

I repeat, children all over the country are being tricked, coerced, or abducted into prostitution, only to be murdered before they reach adulthood.

So trafficking is bad, and I feel sick. Let’s move on to the core of this post.

How is porn related to trafficking?

Earlier, I laid out three connections that I want to expand on. There are other connections to be made, like the fact that youth who come from homes where they or another household member uses porn are at greater risk being involved with trafficking as a victim or a perpetrator, but these three are major unavoidable factors.

1) Porn increases the demand for sex trafficking

Porn is an advertisement for sex trafficking, both figuratively and literally. The sexual acts depicted in porn and what people generally experience in real relationships are quite different. Porn depicts sexual encounters that are faster, longer, and often performed by surgically and digitally enhanced people.

In consensual porn, all participants seem to love everything that happens to them, even when it is painful, violent, or degrading in nature. In porn that is… less consensual (let’s call it what it is: rape porn or revenge porn), one or more people can generally get away with whatever sexual and aggressive acts they want, consequence-free. There is porn to satisfy every taste and every fetish.

Porn finds a lot of appeal to people in providing a sexual fantasy that they likely cannot satisfy in their real world relationships. Real people have likes and dislikes. Not everything feels good, and many would prefer most forms of pain stay far away from the bedroom and their sensitive parts. Good sex takes time and understanding and work.

But porn provides an alternate reality of sex that promises maximum selfish intensity with less need for effort or empathy. Over time, many porn users find themselves seeking novel kinds of porn, to keep the same level of excitement. Eventually, for some, just watching is not enough. They want to act out what they have seen in porn, or to indulge their niche tastes. That’s where prostitution comes in.

However violent or degrading a person’s sexual desires may be, there are ‘services’ out there that will sell them time with someone who is expected to provide the experience they want. All too often, what the prostitute feels comfortable with, and what the buyer (referred to as a john) expects do not align. And if the john feels he is being deprived of what he feels entitled to, things can turn violent or forceful. In many other situations, the prostitute never had a choice to begin with, being forcefully drugged and locked in a room by the pimp.

And how do people connect with these ‘services?’ It’s often through the porn sites themselves. Almost all of the ads on porn sites are either for more porn, or for paid sex services. And there is a reason for that:

Porn sites funnel traffic toward traffickers.

Now one could argue that as long as they aren’t buying sex themselves, they are not supporting trafficking when they watch porn, which is a great time to bring up my next point.

2) Porn uses sex trafficking

I don’t just mean the ad revenue that porn sites get from prostitution ads whenever you watch free or paid content. I mean trafficking runs rampant in porn itself.

A reminder: the legal definition of trafficking is inducing someone to perform a commercial sex act using force, fraud, or coercion. The best case scenario is that a porn actor or actress who is their own free person, and who only ever engages in sex acts they are comfortable performing. Is that totally free of coercion? When your boss asks you to do something, do you feel free to say “I don’t feel like it. Not today?” Or do you feel your boss may threaten to dock your pay or fire you? If your food and rent is dependent on getting your next pay check, how free do you feel to say no to the guy paying you?

But it’s not usually the best case scenario. When actors show up to a professional porn shoot, they are required to do consent interviews at the beginning to explain what they do and do not feel comfortable with, and exit interviews at the end to confirm whether everything that happened was consensual. But they don’t get paid until after the exit interview.

Here’s the thing. If a women says there was anything that she wasn’t okay with, the shoot is unusable, and she doesn’t get paid. What’s more, if she tries refusing an act or asking to stop during the shoot (for example because of pain or injury), she will often be threatened. Her agent may threaten to cancel her other bookings because it makes him look bad, and the production company may threaten not to hire her again, and to tell other companies to avoid her as well. porn stars have even been threatened with legal action for refusing to complete a shoot. Nobody in the porn industry wants to work with someone who ‘difficult’ and won’t do whatever they are told. So they lie. There is pretty much no way to know if someone in a porn video actually felt safe and consenting for the whole thing.

Furthermore, it is common for people in porn to be on various narcotic substances on and off the set to help them cope with pain and abuse they have to endure to get paid. The result can be a vicious cycle, because a trafficker can exploit a drug dependency for more control. If you don’t believe a drug addiction alone is enough to motivate unwilling people to disregard their sexual comfort zone, look at Joe Exotic from the Tiger King documentary, who got not one but TWO straight boys to marry him because he fuelled their meth addiction.

And this is not the worst of it. Porn is very frequently used by traffickers to break and control their victims. Videos will not just be used to desensitize them to the violence and humiliation their trafficker wants them to endure, but they will often be filmed in sex acts against their will and have the video uploaded to the internet to serve as blackmail. They are also forced into pornographic shoots, both legitimate and illegitimate, to produce videos that serve to advertise themselves to potential johns. Sometimes the actresses you see on screen from ‘reputable’ porn studios are going back to a locked room in a basement so they can be sold out to the new customers they brought in.

Find freedom from porn!

Your marriage, and your thought life, do not need to be held captive to pornography.

There is freedom. 

Beat porn–together!

I want to find freedom!



















3) Porn determines what happens to victims of sex trafficking

Finally, the point that gets to me the most. It doesn’t matter if you aren’t paying a cent to porn, if you only watch porn with 100% consensual enthusiastic adults, or if you only consume porn in animated or game form without any real people in it, and here is why.

Traffickers look to porn for inspiration. They look at what people are watching to see what they should offer to customers. They make their victims watch the videos, look at the pictures, or read the stories to instruct and educate them in how to do the things that will be demanded of them. Your browser history is their consumer research. And this happens very commonly with the kinds of traffickers who have children and teens hooked on drugs and locked away, because they have full control.

Even the most niche or extreme desires will have traffickers catering to them because there is a better chance of cornering the market. What’s more, animated and literary porn can cater to fantasies that push or exceed the limits of the human body, which leaves sex slaves as the primary way to live out those fantasies. And don’t forget, the average victim of sex trafficking is starts at 11-14. That means there will be some who are older, but there will also be a proportionate amount who are younger.

If you take nothing else away from this article, please remember this. Whatever sex act is depicted in the porn you consume, there will be a sex trafficker in your own country who is inspired to force a little girl or boy to perform it. There is a reason the average victim of sex trafficking doesn’t live to see their 18th birthday.

Can we please let the facts about human trafficking change how we think about porn?

I can not stress enough how hard it was to educate myself on this topic and to write this post. The rabbit hole goes so deep and there is so much pain. Especially as a father, I struggled to find the motivation to keep reading and keeping researching. As Rebecca can attest, this has just had me ruined for a few days while I wrote it, but I am glad I did. I think this is a conversation that should be happening a lot more because there are women and children (and men) who need light shed on their plight.

I hope this changes the way you think about the porn industry. If you are up for it, I encourage you to read some of the stories out there from people who have been rescued from the sex trafficking industry. Just before the sources, I will leave an infographic from the University of New England with some more stats.

And remember–if you are struggling with porn, you CAN beat this. Please check out Covenant Eyes–they have great filters and accountability tools, plus a ton of ebooks and online communities to help you in your journey. Plus you can protect  your kids as well. You get a month free when you sign up with Sheila’s link!

P.S. To leave you with one last thought, Fight the New Drug has a t shirt that says “Porn is to Trafficking as Cigarettes are to Cancer,” and while I don’t know that I would wear that out to the grocery store, I think it is a great analogy. Your second hand smoke can do nothing but harm to the ones around you, and though you won’t necessarily get cancer if you smoke, the more smoking people do, the more lung cancer there will be.

You can also find more infographics at Visualistan






Sources

Trafficking Victims Protection Act (TVPA) of 2000, Pub. L. No. 106–386, Section 102(a), 114 Stat. 1464.
 Polaris Project. (n.d.) 2018 U.S. national human trafficking hotline statistics. https://polarisproject.org/2018-us-national-human-trafficking-hotline-statistics/
Hornor, G. (2015). Domestic minor sex trafficking: What the PNP needs to know. Journal of Pediatric Health Care, 29(1), 88-94.
Kotrla, K. (2010). Domestic minor sex trafficking in the United States. Social work, 55(2), 181-187.

Has this changed how you see porn? What stood out to you the most? Let’s talk in the comments!

Found this post helpful? You may also benefit from:

4 Things You Must Do if Your Husband Uses Porn

10 Things to Know About How Porn Affects Your Sex Life and Marriage

Is Porn Stealing His Sex Drive?

You Can Recover From Your Husband’s Porn use

4 Stages of Porn Recovery: What Porn Recovery in Marriage Looks Like

What does recovery from porn look like in a marriage?

On Mondays in April we’re talking about porn in marriage, and how to defeat it. We’ve looked at the effects of porn; at four things you must do if your husband uses porn; at women porn users.

This week we’re going to continue our post on how to handle a spouse’s porn use with tackling recovery from porn. So, to start, here’s a typical question that comes in everyday to the blog: 

When I got married I was so excited to explore sex with my husband…to find that he wasn’t. He pushed me away when I would offer myself to him time and time again. I bought the sexy outfits, I planned dates, the sexy coupon books. I tried everything.

Fast forward about a year and a half and a child later…he sits me down and tells me he has a problem with porn and has for a long time.

4 years later and I’m still so hurt…I don’t want to initiate because I hate what being rejected feels like and it seems like if it’s not on his time the point is moot so I just stopped even though before I was fun and vivacious…now I just feel distraught. I have never once turned him away when he wants or needs sex. But, I’m struggling with these feelings. I want our marriage to be more. We have a good sex life but honestly I had no idea he was watching porn to begin with and I looked on his phone from time to time for that kind of stuff and never found it. I love him but it’s hard to trust him. Because this is not ever the person I wanted to be. I also asked him to tell me what it was that he was watching and he refuses to tell me and told me that it’s stupid that I even asked. I really need some sound advice. I feel disregarded, lied to, left out (if that makes sense) and honestly…manipulated. I heard you talk about replacing pornography with something and I feel like he’s done it….but with video games which is honestly just as heartbreaking as the pornography. It still puts me last. I feel like I’ve tried it all…but I want to hear your suggestions. Maybe I haven’t.

He told her about the porn use, but it doesn’t sound as if they’ve put anything in place to make sure it doesn’t happen again or to give her confidence. But more importantly, they’ve never addressed the deep issues that porn use causes.

Unfortunately, many people try to rush recovery, because they’re so desperate to know that their marriage is going to be okay. And so they often avoid the very necessary steps that will actually lead to recovery. Other people just don’t realize what those steps are. 

So I’d like to spell out what I see as the four stages of recovery from porn, and what to look for before you move on to the next stage.

And, again, remembering that not all porn users are male, I’m going to try to use the word “spouse” for porn user, rather than “husband”. In some cases, I’ll be talking specifically about men, but as much as possible, we’ll keep this gender neutral, because women can struggle with porn, too!

Affiliate links below.

Recovery from Porn Stage 1: Confronting the Crisis

My post on 4 things you must do when your husband uses porn addresses this first stage of recovery. For a longer look, please read that post! But to summarize, quickly, here goes:

When an alcoholic decides to get clean, what’s the first thing that has to happen? The house has to be purged of alcohol. And, ideally, the alcoholic joins a recovery group or gets some accountability.

None of this cures the alcoholism. It simply gets the person on an even keel again so that the deeper issues can be dealt with.

In the same way, you can’t start a recovery from porn until you put everything on reset. The porn user need to be in a place where the temptation has been removed as much as possible, and where they have support to quit.

The first stage, then, is dealing with access to porn. Ideally, filters like Covenant Eyes should be put on all computers and devices at home (and you can get Covenant Eyes for 30 days free using my coupon code TLHV!). Covenant Eyes also has a wide variety of really helpful blog posts, online communities, and ebooks that can help in the journey.

Passwords to phones and computers should be shared, so that the spouse does not have to worry about what’s going on behind his or her back.

And then the porn user should identify accountability partners or should seek out recovery groups to join.

Find freedom from porn!

Your marriage, and your thought life, do not need to be held captive to pornography.

There is freedom. 

Beat porn–together!

I want to find freedom!






















What this stage should look like:

Ideally, this does not need to take a lot of time, and can be done immediately.

When to move to the next porn recovery stage:

If the porn user doesn’t want to do these things, then the porn user doesn’t really want to stop the porn. They’re not sorry they used porn; they’re sorry they got caught. Until the porn user is serious about ending the porn use, nothing can be rebuilt. If the porn user resists these steps, then recovery from porn won’t happen, and the marriage will be in serious trouble. Once the porn user does these things, though, you can move immediately to stage 2.

Recovering from Porn Stage 2: Defeating the Strongholds that Porn Brings to a Marriage

Or, really, stage 2 is all about getting your head on straight! Once steps are in place to make porn harder to access and minimize the temptation, you have to deal with harmful beliefs, that I’ll call “strongholds”, that porn use has brought to a marriage.

Stronghold #1: “Porn made me do it”

Porn use teaches the user that the way to deal with tension in their life is to orgasm. And porn teaches the user that others exist to be used and for their own benefit. In order to achieve recovery, we have to break these lies. The porn user must be made to deal with tension, and stress, and loneliness, and rejection, and boredom, and just about any negative human emotion without masturbation or pornography.

They must stop using porn as a crutch for these things. This will ideally be worked out later with a counselor, but right now, during this stage as the porn use is processed, the porn user must understand that porn and masturbation are not an acceptable way to deal with negative emotions.

You may also appreciate:

Porn and Anger: How porn use affects our emotions


Stronghold #2: “Sex will stop the porn use”

Far too many Christian books, organizations, and websites have taught that the way to stop pornography use is for the wife to have more sex.

In Sheet Music, for instance, Kevin Leman wrote this, about a marriage where the husband struggles with porn:

The most difficult time for this man was during his wife’s period, because she was unavailable to him sexually. After about ten years, she finally realized that pleasing her husband with oral sex or a simple “hand job” did wonders to help her husband through that difficult time. She realized that faithfulness is a two-person job. That doesn’t mean a husband can escape the blame for using pornography by pointing to an uncooperative wife–we all make our own choices–but a wife can make it much easier for her husband to maintain a pure mind.

Kevin Leman

Sheet Music

This common but dangerous advice needs to be dismantled before a healthy sex life or marriage can be rebuilt. Even if husbands turned to porn originally because of sexual frustration and rejection (though let’s remember that most porn habits today pre-dated the marriage, and cannot be blamed whatsoever on wives), once you have used porn you have created a whole series of other problems. So even if a woman’s sexual refusal was an issue in the marriage (and it is not in all cases of porn use; in many cases it’s the husband saying no because his libido is being channelled towards pornography), the porn use must be dealt with before the sex life can be rebuilt.

That’s because by using porn and pairing it with masturbation, the porn user has changed the way he (or she) handles stress, and has changed how he (or she) sees sex. Sex is now about getting one’s own needs met. It has become about using and taking rather than serving. It is focused on the physical, rather than a multi-faceted intimacy that involves spiritually and emotionally “knowing” another person as well.

When we tell people that the way to defeat the temptation for porn is simply to have more sex with your wife, we don’t attack the root issue. What we say is, “it’s okay if you treat sex like you’re using someone else; just simply do it in a legal, moral way, within your marriage, rather than with pornography.” That’s not going to fix anything.

Defeating porn necessitates taking responsibility for the porn use. Faithfulness is not a two-person job. Faithfulness requires both people to do a one-person job. You are required to stay faithful, and your spouse is required to stay faithful, regardless of what the other person does. If you are not prepared to stay faithful, then you should separate or divorce. But don’t blame it on your spouse. Deal with the sin of porn use, in and of itself.

Stronghold #3: “You’re over-reacting about porn.”

To recover from porn use means accepting that you have wounded your spouse very deeply. The porn user may feel as if their porn use (or erotica use) had nothing to do with the spouse, but emotionally, the porn use still feels like a huge betrayal.

Recovery from porn use means not minimizing what you have done to your spouse. It means allowing your spouse to express their betrayal and their anger and their hurt, and giving them time to process it.

You may also appreciate:

When you’re the one who needs forgiveness
10 Reasons Rushing Forgiveness Ruins Intimacy
Are you to blame if your spouse cheats on you?
One Man’s Story of Defeating a Porn Addiction


Stronghold #4: “Our whole marriage has been one big lie”

Yes, the wounded spouse will feel betrayed, but this does not necessarily mean that your entire marriage is a lie, or that you aren’t really loved.

Humans can be both good and bad at the same time. We can be very loving, and have great intentions, and then still mess up and do something harmful. So just because someone used porn does not mean that they do not love you or that your whole marriage is invalid. It will take some time to process that, yes, but it is important to realize this before you can move on to healing. Granted, this may be true if you’re married to an abusive narcissist who has been using porn. And if that’s the case, you likely can’t recover from the porn use, because it’s based in something far deeper.

What this stage should look like:

You’ll be doing a lot of processing of hurt and taking responsibility for sin. At this stage, the goal is not to rebuild the marriage. The goal is not to restart sex. The goal is to get you on a mental even keel where you are believing the right things about sex and your marriage, so that you can start trying to put the relationship back together. It may be useful to go through this stage with a licensed counselor, both individually and together.

When should you move on to the next porn recovery stage?

When the porn user admits full responsibility for the porn use, without placing the blame on anyone else; when the porn user is not minimizing the emotional effects on the spouse; and when the wounded spouse is able to accept that the porn use does not define the marriage.

If the porn use DOES define the marriage, and if the porn use is part of a pattern of narcissistic behaviour, or if the porn use involves things like child porn, then rebuilding trust or the rebuilding the marriage is likely not on the table.

Recovering from Porn Stage 3: Rebuilding Trust

Once you’ve build accountability and worked through the mental roadblocks for a healthy marriage, it’s time to start rebuilding the marriage.

Emotional connection is the most fundamental thing that has been broken. This must be rebuilt before sex can be addressed, because porn has already distorted how the porn user sees sex. The wounded spouse must feel loved and must feel able to trust before the sex life is restored, or else sex may feel cheap, and may further wound the couple.

Every relationship is different, but at this stage, it will be useful to:

Talk about your emotional needs and how each of you feels loved. Practice meeting those emotional needs (and you can sign up for my free emotional needs exercise below!)
Make a game plan for how to handle stress and distance in your marriage. Will you plan more times to connect daily? Can you have a weekly at-home date night?
Discuss the sources of stress on your marriage. Is one of you working harder than the other and feeling overburdened? Can you even the load?
Address emotional issues that may have contributed to the porn use, such as feeling rejected or in a sexual drought (at this stage it’s okay to address this; just don’t do it earlier)

Ideally, too, you should do this with a licensed counselor.

Individual emotional growth is also important for rebuilding trust, and during this stage the porn user ideally will also work through with a counselor or with a group the underlying shame, depression, or other issues that made porn so enticing, and develop a game plan for dealing with those issues outside of using pornography. Often spouses do replace one addiction with another (like our letter writer with regards to video game addiction). This can be dealt with here as well.

The spouse may also benefit from betrayal trauma therapy, depending on the severity of the porn use.

When you’re ready to move to the next stage:

This one’s hard to say! Some couples, if recovery is going well, may be able to rebuild sex almost simultaneously with rebuilding the marriage. Some will need a lot more time for faithfulness to be proven over time, and for healing to occur. But remember that, however long you spend exclusively in this stage, you’ll never be able to rebuild sex properly without solid emotional connection first.

Recovering from Porn Stage 4: Rebuilding Sex

You need to have a foundation of trust, tenderness, and faithfulness for sex to be built, because sex was previously predicated on using someone, rather than on giving and serving mutually. If you’ve rebuilt trust, and you’re starting to feel close again, then it’s time to rebuild your sex life!

I wrote a plan for rebuilding sex in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, but the big key thing is learning to associate sex with intimacy rather than with dominating someone. Sex is about saying, “I want YOU”, not “I want sex.” There’s a big difference!

Channelling the porn user’s desire towards the spouse rather than towards porn can be a long process. Rediscovering intimate sex after porn is often a very difficult and windy road–but you can do it!

First, you have to give your spouse the freedom to be honest with you. If you want to rebuild intimacy, your spouse needs to be free to tell you when sex is not working. Because pornography rewires the brain so that what’s arousing is an image rather than a person, many men actually experience impotence without external stimulation (the images they’re used to seeing). So many men, in order to have sex with their wives, start imagining and fantasizing about those images. Many women, too, often fantasize in order to orgasm, and without running through porn in their head, they can’t get aroused.

Many porn users, then, are scared that they’ll never be able to function properly sexually without the porn.

So make a plan that you want to help your spouse get reacquainted with true intimacy. Spend some time, perhaps a week or so or however long it takes, not actually making love. Lie naked together and get used to touching each other again. Look into each other’s eyes. Let him experience the erotic nature of just being so close to someone he loves. Take baths together. Explore each other, and take things very slowly so that your spouse can slowly become aroused just by being with you. If you try to go too fast, you can push your spouse into fantasy again in order to “complete the deed”. Instead, spend some time letting your spouse discover that he or she can become aroused once again by being with you. But this is much easier if there’s no pressure, and if you spend a lot of time just being together naked, talking, kissing, and exploring.

Usually when wives especially think of rebuilding sex lives we think that we have to somehow compete with pornography. We want to be so arousing that he won’t need it anymore, and so we go the lingerie route, or we decide to try new things. That actually feeds into his addiction, because what he really needs is to experience the sexual high that comes from relational and spiritual intimacy, and not just from visual arousal or fantasy. It’s not that you can never wear lingerie again; it’s just that in the initial recovery period, the aim is not to be “porn lite” in your marriage; it’s to help him channel his sexual energy in a different direction: towards you. If you try to just act out pornography, you actually encourage him to keep those fantasies in his head alive, and you do nothing to retrain his brain.

You may also enjoy:

Rewiring your brain after a porn addiction
Have I doomed my sex life by rewiring my arousal process?


So there you go–my four-point plan for recovery from porn.

In reading all of your comments over the last few years, the biggest mistakes that I’ve seen is that people haven’t fully done stage 1 or stage 2, but they rush to the final stages before any kind of foundation has been built. That won’t work.

So work through these stages properly. They’ll take a different amount of time for each couple, depending on the extent of the porn problem, the state of the marriage, and other individual issues. That’s why walking through this with a third party can be so beneficial.

But give it the time it deserves!

I want to end with a story that was left in our survey by a woman working on porn recovery, to give you all some hope:

A friend showed my husband online porn when he was 14. He was hooked. He told his parents, who only said, “Don’t do that,” and it was never brought up again. He struggled secretly for years. 

On our wedding night, I was prepared for the typical virgin male problem–finishing way too soon. It was the opposite. He could not orgasm. For almost 16 years of marriage, sex lasted foreeeeever. This is not actually a good thing. I dreaded sex more and more every time. I had no idea what was actually wrong, and he was in denial. 

Not that long ago, one of our elders mentioned porn during his sermon; it wasn’t even the main subject. Something about the way he talked about it was like lightning had struck. He’d always known it was wrong, but he was convicted that he needed to come clean with me, with our pastor, and take concrete steps to stop. The fact that he confessed voluntarily without excuses or downplaying anything went a long way toward healing. He did everything I asked of him. He meets with the elder who preached the sermon every week. We have become much more intentional about talking to each other. I’m really reserved by nature, so this is difficult for me, but I ask difficult questions I’m not sure I want answered, and he answers them, and it gets a little easier every time. Even now, when I become suspicious, he doesn’t become angry. He accepts that this is the consequence of lying for so long. He has not gone back to it since. 

I believe 100% that his repentance is real. My heart breaks for that 14 year-old boy who never had a chance to learn about sex and sexuality in a healthy way, for how miserably his parents failed him. Yes, he chose to sin and continue sinning, but it is, in my opinion, much different from men who embrace porn as a great thing that wives need to get over, or who only confess when they’re caught. His entire personality has changed for the better as well. He’s become less intensely introverted; he does hard things without being nagged; he spends time with the kids, and not just because he knows he has to. Our sex life is much, much different now. I’m still getting over the knee-jerk dread reaction, and he is still somewhat plagued by anxiety, but we have a lot more fun now. I’m sad for all the wasted time, but I’m so grateful that God convicted him of his sin and has worked such a change in him. 

I have seen God restore so many marriages of porn.
There is hope!

And now I’d love to hear your stories of recovery from porn. What did it look like? Or if you’re still walking through it, what does it look like now? Let’s talk in the comments!

Found this post helpful? You may also benefit from:

4 Things You Must Do if Your Husband Uses Porn

10 Things to Know About How Porn Affects Your Sex Life and Marriage

Is Porn Stealing His Sex Drive?

You Can Recover From Your Husband’s Porn use

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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.


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Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:

10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?



Check out some of Sheila's Books:

The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum



Check out Sheila's Courses:

The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course



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The Secret to Orgasm: Listening to Your Body

We’ve had some really interesting discussions this week, both on the blog and off the blog, talking about advice to help women reach orgasm.

Yesterday, on our podcast about explicitness and sex, Rebecca and I were talking about some of the problematic elements of sex advice that is often given in Christian books. When it’s presented as, “Do A, then B, then C,” and sex seems paint-by-number, it often doesn’t work.

We also conducted several focus groups on this this week, trying to figure out what level of explicitness and direction women actually like. In each focus group, we got the same results. People like being given ideas, “Some people like X, but you could also try Y.” People really like learning about body parts or different ways of stimulating them. But women REALLY don’t like being told, “Do this, then this, then this,” as if it’s some magic formula for orgasm. Because then you feel like a failure when you don’t.

(We found other things, too, but I’ll go into that in a later post, and in The Great Sex Rescue.)

Now, hold that thought for a second, because I want to switch gears to something else we found, and then bring it all together again.

Rebecca also did several interviews and a focus group on how women’s beliefs about sex have changed over time, and how that has impacted their sex life now.

And one of the things she found was that, when women feel free to say “no” in their marriage, they’re much more likely to want to say “yes”. And sex becomes more pleasurable.

True consent is the key to women’s libido and sexual response.

That’s also what we found in our survey of 22,000 women; feeling like you were obligated to have sex, or that it was a duty, significantly reduced women’s orgasm rates, and increased women’s levels of vaginismus.

Okay, so what do these two findings have to do with each other?

Well, let me take you back to the 1970s. Let’s talk about the sitcom Happy Days, and about making out.

Like many girls of my generation, I watched Happy Days every week, and reruns after school. I loved Richie (though I never really liked the Fonz). But Happy Days had a lot of making out. “I found my thrill….on Blueberry hill…”

I don’t think there was ever much sex in it at all (maybe with Joanie and Chachi?), but making out was a thing. Like steaming up the windows kind of a thing.

And I think there was something vital there, a step in understanding one’s sexuality, that many women have bypassed.

I am not trying to say that everyone needs to make out before marriage. But what I am saying is that making out was FUN in that scenario precisely because it wasn’t going any further. You knew you weren’t going to have sex; you had already decided you weren’t going to cross that line; and so you were kissing and touching (not heavy petting) for a prolonged period of time, and getting yourself all worked up. You were enjoying it. It was feeling good. Your body was coming alive. You were getting aroused.

And that ability to become aroused, and for your body to experience that all on its own, is actually an important part of orgasm and an important part of sex in marriage.

Now, I’m quite aware that for many women this “making out” thing didn’t work out so well before marriage for many reasons:

You felt it was wrong and so you never did (which is totally okay! Really!).
Things got too heated and you went further than you wanted to
You were so afraid of things going too far that you never relaxed, and you were always on alert (the gatekeeper phenomenon)
You were a victim of date rape (and I’m so sorry that that is so many women’s stories).

And so I understand that not everyone will relate to this from personal experience. But I do think that this making out phase, when it’s not expected to go anywhere, and when it’s done for a prolonged period of time so that your body can come alive, is important.

Many women skipped the making out stage altogether, and went straight to intercourse.

Making out is actually an important part of sex education. It’s very hard to go from A to Z with no stages in between. That’s why in our Honeymoon Prep course we talk about how the goal should be arousal, not intercourse. The most important piece of the puzzle is not figuring out how intercourse works. Most people will figure that out soon enough (unless vaginismus, or sexual pain, is an issue). The key is figuring out how women’s arousal works. If you can figure that out, honestly, the rest will take care of itself over time.

But often we rush so much to achieve intercourse, that we skip some really vital steps in women’s sexual education.

And especially if you marry with some body image issues, or with any amount of shame regarding sex, achieving “intercourse” without that arousal piece can actually set you back quite a bit.

We simply have to learn to listen to our bodies, and that’s why making out, with no expectations of anything else, can be so helpful. (And that’s why I’m talking about making out, and not foreplay.) I mean simply making out and helping her feel aroused just from kissing and touching. And sometimes that can only happen if there isn’t pressure on her to do anything else or to perform in any way (like have an orgasm).

Enjoying sex is really a multiple stage thing:

 

Low-key physical contact that makes you feel close
Kissing and touching that is drawn out, that makes you feel breathless and where you start to feel aroused
Removing some clothing and learning to touch each other without awkwardness
Touching each other while kissing and learning what feels good
Learning to get her aroused fully
Having intercourse. 

The problem is that many of us go from #1 to #6 with nothing in between. And then we wonder why things don’t always work.

Now, again, I’m not arguing that we should have sex before marriage. Believe me, I’m a big proponent of waiting for marriage to have sex, and I believe that there are very important reasons for that.  But I do think that we need to proceed through each of those steps in that order, and spend as much time on each step as we need to, before proceeding to the next one. Even if that means that you don’t have sex on your wedding night.

That’s because orgasm for her is never going to work unless she can learn to listen to her body’s cues.

That’s what we were really talking about in the comments section yesterday, where a few women were saying that they really want very explicit directions of Do A then B then C exactly this way, because they had no idea what to do, and they needed someone to tell them. One woman said this:

For a woman who never masturbated and has a hard time figuring things out, vague language is more frustrating than helpful. Clear steps to try to start things off is more helpful than “do clitoral stimulation.” I literally needed descriptions for where to place my hand what finger to use etc to start feeling anything at all. The whole asking “am I feeling good? ” while he touches me has never ever done anything helpful for us. Clinical, mechanical descriptions? Those have given us a starting point to work off of.

Another woman said something similar:

My husband and I have only benefitted from extremely explicit sex information, as we were completely clueless about how to help me get aroused, and the things my husband has tried orally and manually have only gotten me partly there. I have always been a rule-follower, and I still have no clue how to use my own hands to bring myself to orgasm. (Why is masturbating wrong before marriage and okay afterward? I feel completely uncomfortable with the idea of masturbating alone or with my husband. None of my friends who were “naughty girls” before marriage have trouble with arousal or orgasm. Something feels unfair to me about this, like I was sold a bill of goods that staying pure before marriage would result in bliss.) 

I really appreciate their honesty, and I know that they are not alone. And I really, really want to help as much as I can, because I can only imagine how frustrating this is. And I completely understand that hearing explicit instructions on how to stimulate the clitoris seems useful and necessary.

I just want to offer this counterpoint, which I believe is really important.

The secret to orgasm is listening to what your body wants and then “riding” it.

Not every woman orgasms in exactly the same way. And often, over the course of arousal, the way you want to be touched changes. You might want it to start out light, but as you get more aroused, your body wants faster, or more. Often women hate their nipples being touched early in the arousal process, but really enjoy it close to orgasm. Telling people “Do A, then B, then C” just doesn’t work for most people, because you can do exactly the right thing and it won’t result in orgasm if you’re not listening to your body. Women who do orgasm regularly will tell you that what works one night won’t necessarily work the next. Depending on where she is in the cycle, sometimes she’ll want long, drawn out foreplay, and sometimes she’ll say, “forget that, just take me!” It depends on your body.

The way to learn how to be touched, too, is not to listen to someone else telling you explicitly. That can help give you some ideas, but ultimately you have to figure out what feels better, and what works. The clitoris, for instance, is a relatively small piece of your body. Touch it 1/4 ” down and it may feel weird. Go too far to the left and you’ve missed it. You need to figure out WHERE and WHAT PRESSURE is right.

The only way to do that is to be concentrating not on what you should be doing but on what  your body wants you to do. 

Again, none of this is to say that instructions on how to give oral sex can’t be helpful. They completely can if it gives you ideas! But ultimately the only way it works is if you’re calling the shots. You’re not trying to do a paint-by-numbers thing. You are honestly just listening to your body and letting your body carry you.

This is also why I’m reticent to recommend vibrators. It’s not that I think they’re a sin. It’s just that a vibrator is so powerful that it can allow you to orgasm WITHOUT having to listen to your body. It doesn’t actually teach you how to do this. (If you’ve never, ever reached orgasm in years, then they may help by showing you what it feels like. But a vibrator can’t “teach” you how to orgasm with your husband). 

“Listening to your body” is very hard to do if you’ve spent your whole life trying to ignore your body.

If you grew up feeling as if sex was shameful, or as if your body is shameful, it is very, very hard to all of a sudden start listening and trying to figure out what arousing is.

“Listening to your body” is also very hard to do if you’re goal focused.

If you’re aiming for an orgasm, listening to your body is also difficult because you’re seeing it as a pass/fail thing. Are you there yet? Am I doing it right?

That’s why I think many women would benefit from rediscovering making out!

Seriously, if this has been a challenge for you in your marriage, and if you skipped several steps from #1 to #6 and you’ve never figured sex out, maybe take a few nights where you say, “we are NOT having intercourse and we are NOT aiming for orgasm”. We’re simply going to make out.

(And husbands, if you’re reading this: It’s so important to not make your wife feel that she has to “help you out” afterwards. I know this is difficult; but try to exercise self-control for her. She needs this. It’s the missing piece of the puzzle. If you can give her time to figure this out, you’ll both benefit in the long run). 

Like we found in our focus groups, being able to say no was the key to unlocking women’s yes. If sex has become goal oriented, and if she has never really figured out her own sexuality, maybe the best thing to do is go backwards and start again. Learn the arousal piece. Let her learn how to focus on arousal and, instead of a book telling her where she wants to be touched, let her ask herself, “what wants to be touched right now?”, and then let her learn to listen. It’s an important skill and it’s vital to understand your sexuality. No book can do that for you.

Other Posts You May Enjoy

Ten tips for newlyweds who haven’t reached orgasm yet
Why we should focus on arousal, not intercourse
10 Things to Know about Women and Arousal
Podcast: Aiming for Arousal

 

Anyone else have anything to add? How can women learn to “listen to their bodies”? Was this a learning curve for you? What helped? I really do want to help these women, so let’s talk in the comments!

PODCAST: When Does Explicit Sex Advice Become Gross?

Instructional sex advice is wonderful in Christian books.

But sometimes explicit crosses the line.

In last week’s podcast, we read The Act of Marriage so you didn’t have to! And in this week’s podcast, we want to look at a broader theme about why sometimes you can be reading a book, and think, “eeeewwwww.” We’re going to be reading some passages from Sheet Music by Kevin Leman, and look at how explicit can become too explicit when you start using weird euphemisms and emotionally-laden language.

For our upcoming book The Great Sex Rescue, we read all the best selling Christian books about sex and marriage, and rated them on 12 different aspects of healthy sexuality teaching. Sheet Music scored middle of the pack. It wasn’t a terrible book, by any means at all (The Gift of Sex scored really, really well, by the way!). But there were some disturbing elements that we talk about today:

By the way, we recorded THIS one before we recorded the one on the Act of Marriage, and I originally intended that to be a 2-week podcast with both Becca & Connor, but it didn’t work out that way. So my intro is a little off! But you know what I mean.

Marriage and COVID19: Can We Be Ready for Anything?

Can you be ready for anything BEFORE a crisis hits?

Today my friend Kathi Lipp, who has written for us before and who has graciously hosted me on her podcast many times, joins us to talk about how to get ready for a crisis before that crisis actually hits. Her new book, Ready for Anything, launched early because it was such a timely word for couples, and she wrote some encouragement for us to use this time well! Here’s Kathi:

Since the term Covid-19 entered our vocabulary, there has been a lot of talk about what we all should have done to be prepared for just such an emergency.

But, that’s a little like receiving a diploma before you go to college. Being prepared would have been great, but here we are, needing to deal with the next crisis that will come along. Because crises are rude that way, (when they crash your party, they always bring another uninvited crisis along with them).

And as much as I want you to be stocked up on food, water and toilet paper for the next emergency; today, I’m more concerned about the emotional toll a crisis can take on you and your marriage.

Emergencies—whether a car accident, a child’s trip to the hospital, an unexpected bill, or even a global pandemic—not only strain each of us individually but can put a toll on our relationships as well.

One of the best tools my husband and I developed is our “5 Minute Plan.” Not only has this helped us weather a lot of different (and unexpected) storms, it has been a safe space-holder. It has provided a time-frame and a non-threatening way to talk about our differences and our varied (sometimes heightened) responses to emergencies. This has helped us support each other while respecting our unique needs, even while storm clouds gather.

How the 5 Minute Plan Works

Here is how the “5 Minute Plan” works:

Before you and your spouse are in an emergency, talk through what each of you will need in the first five minutes after a crisis hits or you receive bad news.

One of the first “5 Minute Plans” my husband Roger and I talked through was what if Roger loses his job? (I’m self-employed, so my work crisis would look different.)

This was a hard scenario to discuss; actually, hard might be an understatement. But, here is what I’ve discovered, having the hard conversation when there is no crisis, is so much easier than when you’re in the midst of what feels like an impossible situation. My father was chronically unemployed when I was a child and my first husband lost his job several times during our marriage. Before the “5 Minute Plan,” my reaction to the news of Roger losing his job would have been to panic and spin out of control, which, would have helped no one. I know my heightened reaction, no matter how unintentional, would hurt Roger with the wrong words at the wrong time.

Now, our “5 Minute Plan” has helped Roger and I pre-decide how we will react in a crisis. Already talking about this scenario has taken much of the fear and panic out of this possibility. We have decided to do these three things in the first five minutes:

Our “Roger Losing His Job” 5-Minute Plan:

1. Roger and I will pray together about the situation.
2. Roger will reassure me that we have planned for this possibility and will work on our financial numbers to decide what our next steps will be.
3. I will start to cancel any payments, subscriptions, etc. that aren’t necessary to save as much cash as we possibly can until we know about Roger’s next job step.

It’s a simple plan, but it has a lot of benefits:

1. It prevents panic while inviting a place for peace. Without a plan, my first impulse is to freak out – which doesn’t help anyone around me, including my husband.

2. It gives me a non-threatening way to express my needs. I’m an expert at knowing how my husband should have responded to me in an emergency. The problem? How do I let him know that in advance of an unforeseeable crisis? I have found I can be so much better in an emergency when I let him know in advance what I need.

3. I can also support my spouse better by knowing what he needs. When I try to comfort Roger with how I would want to be comforted, I miss the mark each time. But if I can let my data-driven husband do his thing (run the numbers, listen to the scanners to find out if the fires are heading our way, etc.) it can help him find his own measure of peace in a hard situation.

How to Create Your Own 5 Minute Plan

Here is how to create a plan for what you want to do in the first five minutes of a crisis:

1. Discuss your most likely crisis scenario. For most of us, it will be a job loss, but you may have some special circumstances: maybe, like us, you live in a high fire-risk area, or like my friend Diane, have a child with complicated medical needs. You know what your most likely situation will be.

2. Ask your spouse if you can discuss what you both want to see happen in those first five minutes.

3. Make a list of what each of your roles will be and what each of you’ll need emotionally to ease any rising panic.

Taking the panic out of your planning does one more thing: it cements you as a team. Teams not only plan together, but they support each other in their roles as they execute each of their tasks. Create a plan and then work that plan – as a team.

 

Do you want to be prepared for any crisis to come in the future? See Kathi Lipp’s timely book Ready for Anything; Preparing Your Home for Any Crisis Big or Small When you order before May 19th, you’ll also receive a free e-course download of Kickstart to Clutter Free, and the ebooks Cooking During a Crisis, and the 5-Day Family Curriculum for Crisis Preparation. Get these offers, and other resources at Kathi’s website.

Kathi Lipp

Author, Ready for Anything: Preparing Your Heart and Home for Any Crisis Big or Small

4 Things You Must Do if Your Husband Uses Porn

What should you do if your husband watches porn?

This month our theme is pornography use–how to understand the effects of porn; how to defeat porn and recover from porn; how to help the future generation not get hooked.

We’ve also already talked about how women can use porn as well.

One of my biggest posts in the past, that I point to all the time, was one on what to do if your husband uses porn. I wanted to revamp it and rerun it, since it’s 6 years since I last wrote it, because it is probably one of the most important posts on this blog. So many of you have arrived here because of this problem. So let’s get real about what porn does to marriage.

1. You Must Grieve Your Husband’s Porn Use

It’s going to come as a major sucker punch. You’ll feel betrayed, and dirty, and angry. That’s natural. Likely you knew something was wrong, and you suspected something, but you couldn’t put your finger on it.

Now you know, and very likely the feelings are overwhelming. People often arrive on this blog the night they discover their husband watching porn, and they find posts talking about pornography use and pour out their hurt in the comments. That hurt is raw and very real.

That’s okay. Give yourself some grace to be upset. Give yourself some time to yell at God about it, to wrestle this through, and to cry. You don’t have to fix anything overnight, and sometimes if we try too hard to fix it right now we do more damage. At times, when we first find out something so devastating, we’re tempted to say, “it’s okay, I know you didn’t mean it, let’s just forget it and go back to normal” because we’re afraid to face what this might mean.

But we need to admit brokenness. Rushing forgiveness isn’t wise. If we don’t admit it, it can’t be fixed. And it could be that what God is going to make out of the pieces of your heart and your relationship, will be different from what you started with, but that doesn’t mean it won’t also be beautiful. Grieve, and give God time to work. Don’t deny the gravity of the hurt. And don’t deny the gravity of the effects of porn on a marriage, either!

At the same time, if I can offer some reassurance, so many marriages have emerged on the other side. And one thing that helps is that, after that initial grief is over, you realize that you are on the same page, fighting an evil together.

Now, this only applies if your husband honestly wants to put the porn in the past as well. There’s a huge difference between a husband who admits he has used porn and wants to stop, and a husband who was caught using porn and is just trying to get away with it. We’ll deal with the second scenario in a minute.

But if your husband honestly wants to stop, then just remember that you have the same goal. Don’t let porn come between you; instead, decide to fight together to defeat your husband’s porn addiction.

Most Christian husbands desperately want to stop watching porn. They don’t want to be doing this. It enslaves them. If you can be an ally, you both will move forward so much more easily.

You May Also Enjoy:

Why Rushing Forgiveness Ruins Intimacy
Top 10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Your Marriage, and Your Sex Life
How Porn Use Before Marriage Affects Marriage Now
PODCAST: What Porn Use Before Marriage Does to a Marriage


2. You Must Live in the Light and Not Keep His Porn Use a Secret

Porn thrives on secrecy. In her book, When Your Husband Is Addicted to Pornography, Vicki Tiede recounts the words of one woman, married 45 years, who discovered her husband’s masturbation habit two years into this marriage. “if it ever got out, I’d kill myself,” he told her. And so she didn’t say a word, and lived with it. For 45 years. Can you imagine?

Vicki doesn’t believe that staying in darkness is the answer. As I’ve said before, you need to bring these things to light.

As a church, we need to bring this to light.

There is so much ignorance around the whole pornography problem. It truly does ensnare people, making it almost impossible for them to function normally sexually with a human being. What becomes arousing is an image, and they become so focused on masturbation and pornography that a relationship isn’t sexy anymore. It’s too much work! Once you start using porn, too, it rarely stays with the tame stuff. People will seek out more and more hard core stimulation. Eventually, they may even act things out. This isn’t people just looking at something to get their jollies; this is something that can all too easily turn into an addiction.

And that’s why you must bring light to it. You can’t let it stay a secret. Your husband needs help, but so do you. Many wives of porn addicted husbands actually show symptoms of PTSD.

So if, when you discover your husband’s porn use, he apologizes profusely but then refuses to tell anyone, or if he doesn’t even apologize and tell you that it’s none of your business, you do not have to remain silent. PLEASE do not remain silent.

I have seen so many people say “cute” things on Facebook about never saying anything bad about your husband to anyone else, but that doesn’t apply in a situation with a husband and porn. Your husband is hurting himself. He is hurting you. He is participating in sex trafficking (for that is what you do when you use porn). For his own good, and for yours, he needs to stop. If he is not willing to stop, then you need to seek help so that others can influence him as well and say, “porn use is not acceptable.”

Your problem is not bigger than God; and if you are honest before God, His strength is more than sufficient to see you through.

(Click here to tweet this quote)

3. You Must Get Help and Accountability for Your Husband’s Porn Recovery

It is not enough for a husband to apologize and promise never to do it again. You wouldn’t accept that of an alcoholic; you would ask him or her to go to AA meetings. The same goes for porn use. There’s such shame involved with pornography because it’s sexual, but the admonition from the Bible doesn’t change.

James 5:16 says, “confess your sins one to another”. Confession should be a regular part of the Christian life. If a husband admits he watches porn, apologizes, but then asks that his wife not say anything and is unwilling himself to seek any help, then he hasn’t really repented. He’s not sorry he used porn; he’s only sorry he got caught using porn.

True repentance is always accompanied by true humility, and that means that someone will seek help.

Encourage him to join an accountability group or recovery group. Encourage him to seek out a friend that he will meet with regularly, who will ask him the hard questions about whether he’s looked at porn (and whom he can ask those questions of, too). And you need to get help for yourself as well! This is a huge burden to bear and a huge thing to process. Don’t try to do it alone.

I’m not saying tell everyone you know. I’m saying you should do this:

Each of you find your “one person”. Your husband needs one person he can call to take him out for coffee periodically and look him in the eyes and challenge him on whether he’s been watching porn or not. Pray with him and for him about who that one person should be, but it’s okay to make it a condition of recovering your marriage that he has such a person. And then find one person for you, too. One person that you can pour your heart out to, and can help guide you as you deal with this, move on to forgiveness, and rebuild.
Require him to join a recovery group.
Consider seeing a licensed counselor, both individually, and together. (I HIGHLY recommend this). I know it’s expensive. But in the end it is much cheaper to deal with this well, now, then to have this fester for years of unhealed wounds.




















Find freedom from porn!

Your marriage, and your thought life, do not need to be held captive to pornography.

There is freedom. 

Beat porn–together!

I want to find freedom!



















4. You Must Set Boundaries around the Porn Use

Finally, if you don’t want this to happen again,  you must set boundaries. That isn’t being vengeful; it’s just being smart. If your husband had an affair at work, you’d likely want him to find another job. You’d want something to change so that he won’t fall into it again.

And this should be the same thing. I don’t know what those boundaries will look like for your family; they could involve computer controls to filter pornography, or getting rid of the internet temporarily. They could mean choosing to share computers and cell phones so that there is no longer any secrecy. Maybe it might mean setting “technology free” hours at home, where all screens go off at 9:00 pm, so that it’s relationship time and you know you have his attention.

One warning about boundaries, though. It is must easier to build trust again if you know that there is someone else helping your husband set those boundaries, and someone else holding him accountable. It’s not a good situation to feel as if you have to monitor your husband’s every move. That sets up a very unhealthy dynamic, where you’re constantly on the watch for him to mess up.

But for the men reading this, know that your wife will be able to trust you easier if you have an accountability partner (Covenant Eyes is a great way to organize this; use the code “TLHV” for a free month!). So don’t shy away from finding someone to talk to!

Rebuilding trust and rebuilding your sex life after porn takes time, but it is possible. But it is only possible if you admit the gravity of the problem, get some help, and truly repent and become humble before God. You both need God’s help. You both need outside help. And you both will need some time.

In my book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I share the story of Anna and Paul. Anna discovered her husband watching porn years into their marriage; she was devastated, and he was mortified to be found out. But in the end, it was the best thing to happen to their marriage. Paul had been living in secret shame for so long, and now he was able to deal with the problem. And their marriage has been rebuilt.

God loves to rebuild, and He loves to reconcile. He doesn’t force anyone, though. People can still choose to do the wrong thing. But God also loves to work in people’s hearts, and I pray that, as  you and your husband deal with this, God will help your husband see the destruction porn does through Jesus’ eyes, and I pray that He can help you rebuild.

Later this month, I’ll be sharing more about what recovery looks like long-term. But today I just wanted to share these first four steps that I believe every couple must take when a husband’s porn use is disclosed. Deal with it fully. Don’t rush forgiveness. Don’t keep it a secret. Get help. And build boundaries. 

Once all that is in place, then, and only then, will we start to see healing!

If you’ve ever discovered your husband using porn, or if your spouse has ever learned of your porn use, leave a comment (anonymously if you have to) and let us know your story. 

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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.


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Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:

10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?



Check out some of Sheila's Books:

The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum



Check out Sheila's Courses:

The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course



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Found this post helpful? You may also benefit from:

How Porn Use Before Marriage Affects Marriage Today

10 Things to Know About How Porn Affects Your Sex Life and Marriage

Is Porn Stealing His Sex Drive?

You Can Recover From Your Husband’s Porn use