Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 63

Can You Divorce for Abuse? Our Tendency to Treat Adultery as Worse than Abuse

Unfortunately (in my mind), there has not been consensus in the Christian world on whether or not a person is biblically justified to divorce in cases of abuse.

It’s long been held that you can divorce for adultery, but not for abuse (I explained why I think divorce is okay for abuse here).

In fact, Focus on the Family says there are two grounds for divorce–abandonment or adultery, but that’s it. Other than that, you can separate for abuse, but hopefully only for a time, with the aim to work towards reconciliation, if it’s safe.

Here is Focus on the Family’s position on divorce and remarriage, from their brochure “should I get a divorce”, listed on page 12.

But are there any cases in which the Bible allows divorce? Many Christians disagree about whether the Bible allows divorce and/or remarriage. If you are concerned about whether you have biblical grounds for divorce, you will need to commit the matter to prayer and study. You should also seek out counsel from your own pastor and, ideally, a licensed Christian counselor. The question of sin cannot be taken lightly. But biblical grounds may exist:

1. When one’s mate is guilty of sexual immorality and is unwilling to repent and live faithfully with the marriage partner. Jesus’ words in Matthew 19:7-9 indicate that divorce (and remarriage) in this circumstance is acceptable. That passage reads: “‘Why then,’ [the Pharisees] asked, ‘did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?’ Jesus replied, ‘Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries [or, in order to marry] another woman commits adultery.’” (Emphasis added) However, divorce is not required. If your spouse has committed adultery, divorce is morally allowed, but not required. Many couples have been able to rebuild their marriages even after such a devastating blow.

2. When one spouse is not a Christian, and that spouse willfully and permanently deserts the Christian spouse (1 Corinthians 7:15). Focus on the Family’s position is that divorce and remarriage appear to be justified in Scripture only in a few instances.

"Should I Get a Divorce?"

Focus on the Family

John Piper would say the same thing. In fact, he’s on record as saying that women should endure abuse for a season.

I could go on and on.

But really, the most influential person in this sphere was Wayne Grudem, a theologian who has spent much of his career writing about gender roles and God’s design for biblical manhood and womanhood. And one of those big tenets that he has pushed is that abuse is not grounds for divorce. Adultery, yes. Abuse, no.

Late last year, just before Christmas, Wayne Grudem changed his mind about divorce in the case of abuse.

Compassion for two women’s cases that he heard about drew him back to the Scriptures, where he studied for a long time and decided now that abuse is actually a form of abandonment, and thus a woman can now divorce. He explained his reasoning on a Christianity Today podcast this way,

My conclusion was in 1 Corinthians 7:15 that Paul says, “If the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases…” That is desertion by an unbeliever, and I think he has in mind adultery as well, because of Jesus teaching. In cases that damage a marriage as severely as adultery, or desertion by an unbeliever, or other similar damaging situations, then divorce is a lot.

So my decision to change my mind about the legitimacy of divorce in a case or a situation of ongoing, very harmful abuse was based on a new understanding of the meaning of the words of Scripture. My decision was not based on my theological instinct. It was based on what I saw in Scripture that I don’t think had been noticed before because people hadn’t done the work of doing the research on that phrase in Greek literature until the last couple of decades. There wasn’t any ability to do that because the electronic database was not available and was not able to be searched.

Wayne Grudem Tells Us Why He Changed His Divorce Position

Christianity Today

–provided, of course, she has the approval of her pastors and elders. (Forget the absurdity of requiring an abused woman to convince an elders’ board, which is likely made up of her husband’s friends, that she is abused before she can get to safety, but let’s let that go for a moment. He also doesn’t seem to specify  if it’s only physical abuse that can be abandonment, or whether emotional abuse also qualifies, but let’s leave that one as well for a moment.)

A Christianity Today news article described his position on reconciliation,

 

However, he clarified that restoration is still the first goal when the question of divorce comes up. If the abusing spouse is a Christian, then counseling and church discipline should be pursued, but if abuse doesn’t stop then a church leader should consider that this may be a case where the victim is free to seek a divorce.

"Wayne Grudem Changes His Mind About Divorce in Cases of Abuse"

Christianity Today

I wasn’t sure I was going to write on this, but I just have two things to say on this–one specific to Wayne Grudem, and then a broader one about the issue of adultery vs. abuse and which is worse.

Wayne Grudem has not apologized to the women who died, were beaten, or endured abuse because they thought that to do otherwise was sin.

He has changed his mind, which is wonderful. He is a thought leader and very conservative, and if someone that conservative is signalling that we should take abuse seriously, that is good news.

However, Grudem’s systematic theology books and works on gender roles were required reading in seminaries for decades. It was Grudem’s thinking that has influenced pastors for the past few decades about abuse. It is largely due to Grudem’s influence on others that so many women endured abuse. And I have yet to see any humility on Grudem’s part, apologizing to those that he hurt. I find that disturbing.

This is the problem with writing theology, and yet having it be mostly a theoretical exercise. Grudem could make his pronouncements on divorce that were harsh, but they didn’t affect him. When theology is mostly theoretical and intellectual, we need to be very careful, because it’s easy to miss the effect that we’re having on those on the ground. I think if those writing theology had talked to abused women earlier, they may have seen things differently (Grudem even said that coming face to face with two divorced women is what made him rethink it. What if he had just sat down with a group of abused women thirty years ago? Think of the suffering that could have been averted!).

One woman who completed our “Bare Marriage” survey (which will be turned into the book The Great Sex Rescue next year!) reports being emotionally abused, but believes she does not have the ability to get herself to safety. My heart breaks for women who do not believe God sees them and their suffering and wants to bring them out of it.

I live with emotional abuse in my marriage. Divorce is not an option. When you marry, you marry for life.

But let’s take a step back for a minute.

Why are we so quick to accept that adultery is worse than abuse?

I agree that the case that you can divorce for adultery is clearer in the Bible than that you can divorce for abuse. However, I think that when you read all of Scripture, you see God’s concern for the oppressed. You see God’s passion for justice and concern for the downtrodden. I don’t see how you can read all of Scripture and still believe that God wants women–or men–to endure abuse. That’s just not the heart of God.

But let’s take it from another angle. What we’re really saying is that it’s okay to divorce if a guy has a few one-night stands (or even one one-night stand), but it’s not okay to divorce if he beats you to a pulp every weekend. Does that even logically make sense?

And by framing the divorce debate solely about the morality of the offended party, we leave out the children.

Studies have repeatedly shown that children do better if parents stay together and don’t divorce–UNLESS those parents are in a high-conflict, abusive marriage. In that case, children do better if parents DO divorce. Judith Wallerstein has been championing this for years, and Focus on the Family has quoted her ad nauseum. But they keep leaving out that part in her research, where she is so clear, that in cases of abuse, children do better if parents split up. Here are the numbers taken from her study. The white bars show how children fare before divorce, and the striped bars show how they fare after divorce:

(graph courtesy of Amato, 2003, “Reconciling Divergent Perspectives: Judith Wallerstein, Quantitative Family Research, and Children of Divorce”)

In low-conflict marriages, children do better if parents stay married. In high conflict marriages, children do better if parents divorce.

And here’s the thing: You can have adultery in a low-conflict marriage. Sure, that’s a huge conflict between the spouses. But it doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re toxic to each other, or that you treat each other badly in other ways. It just may mean that you’re heartbroken.

One of the first readers of my blog was a woman with the first initial K. She commented for years (and she still reads; I actually met her in real life on one of my speaking trips. Hi, K!). And one day she discovered that her husband had had an affair with her best friend, and she now faced a big choice. Did she leave him, or did she try to rebuild? She read my post “Between Two Worlds“, and decided to try to make it work for her son, and they have. I’ve met her in real life, and they’re all doing very well.

I’m not saying that you SHOULDN’T divorce for adultery, by the way. I believe you have grounds, and I also think that sometimes the other spouse refuses to give up their lover, and it’s okay to demand faithfulness. Sometimes you really don’t have a choice.

But the bigger issue I want to raise here is that, for the children in the marriage, abuse–whether emotional or physical–is far worse than adultery. And yet for years, the church has been treating it as the other way around. And I would add that a child witnessing a mother being abused is as harmful to that child as being abused him or herself. After all, really want to torture someone? Make them watch someone else being hurt. And this applies whether it’s emotional abuse or physical abuse.

I am glad that we are realizing that abuse is not something to be tolerated. I’m just sorry that it’s taken so long.

And I also want to say: if you are being abused, you do not need your pastor’s permission to leave. Please do not see a biblical counselor.–unless you know that counselor is safe and has walked other people out of abusive marriages. Do not go for marriage counseling with the abusive spouse (this often allows the abuser another chance to abuse. It’s shouldn’t be used in cases of abuse). Get yourself to safety, if need be. And then see a licensed, trained counselor by yourself to help you figure out what to do.

Jesus sees you and your children. Jesus cares about you. And Jesus wants all of you safe.

Has your church supported abused spouses in getting out of a toxic marriage? Have you ever been stuck like that? Let’s talk in the comments!

 

Like this post? You may also appreciate:

How Churches Should Handle Sexual Abuse Allegations

OUR COMMUNITY SERIES: Being Lonely in a Group of People

You can be in a huge group of people, even a busy group of people, and not have any community.

You may go to a huge church, and know a ton of people. You may even be active in that church. But if, in that group of people, you don’t have anyone that you can call in a pinch or anyone that you can just hang out with, or you feel as if you’re always imposing or you’re always out of place, then you can feel even lonelier than if you were alone.

And community matters in marriage. 

We weren’t meant to live on our own. Your spouse cannot be your only social support, and when your spouse is your only one to rely on, then your marriage has to bear a weight it was never meant to.

We need mentors, to help us through hard times and give us good examples. As Joanna was saying to me last week, in her old church in Saskatoon, she could look to other couples who had walked through infertility and get encouragement there, but she could also look to people who had never had children and still had full lives, and get encouragement there, too.

Community matters in marriage. 

(Click here to tweet this quote)

We need people with whom we can laugh, have fun and create memories, because life was not meant to exist only in front of a screen. We need people to rely on, to ask for help from, and to help ourselves. And that’s what community is:

Community is having a group of people (even if they don’t all know each other) that you can be authentic with and who can be authentic with you. It’s having people that you know will be there for you if you need them, but that you are also there for when they need you. It’s caring for others, and being cared for yourself. It’s having people that you mentor, and also people who mentor you (and sometimes it’s the same people, with you switching roles, because you each have your own strengths!). It’s having friends who you can laugh with and have fun with, but also people who will hold you accountable and spur you on to love and good deeds.

Why wouldn’t you have real community?
Sometimes you’re surrounded by toxic people, or the group you’re in is unsafe

Community is not something you can force. You can’t tell people, “okay, now it’s time to confess your sins to each other and share your secrets with each other, and now it’s time to sacrifice financially for each other and support one another” and expect this to happen automatically.

And yet, far too often, churches confuse form with substance. We know that community grows best in smaller groups, so we tell the church to break up into small groups and then expect that these small groups will automatically be this rich, deep community.

When churches take this to an extreme, it can even get abusive. You should not be forced to reveal your salary or net worth, or to confess your sins, in order to join a small group. You should not be forced to let strangers into your life in a boundary-less existence to have community.

That’s because real community is something organic that comes from people spending time together, feeling cared for, and being able to open up more. You can’t force authenticity and vulnerability; it has to be natural, that comes from feeling safe with others. 

Here’s a great example of unsafe “community groups” which verge on cults. (I share this not to be super-negative, but just because this practice is far too common in some churches, and when you’re in the middle of it, you may not know it’s wrong. So I just want to raise awareness for those who may be being hurt).

Many churches mean well, but when they require people become completely vulnerable without providing any safety or protection, it isn’t real community.

Community can also be toxic if you feel as if sharing what you’re really feeling or struggling with will cause you to be ostracized. There’s more on that in this post:

10 Signs You’re in a Legalistic Church

Sometimes there’s no community because there’s a mismatch

You may be an introverted, deep thinker, and you’re attending a highly charismatic church which focuses on emotion and worship. Or maybe you’re someone deep in the arts who loves authentic and expressive worship, and you’re attending a church which focuses only on intellectual Bible studies.

I wish that there were even more expressions of church rather than the traditional “meet in a building once a week to listen to music and hear a sermon”, because I think many of us experience a significant mismatch. Rebecca and I will be talking about this more on the podcast this week!

Real community is something organic that comes from people spending time together, feeling cared for, and being able to open up more. You can’t force authenticity and vulnerability; it has to be natural, that comes from feeling safe with others. 

(Click here to tweet this quote)

or Sometimes you need to make more of an effort

I know a couple who went to three different churches in the space of a year and always left in a huff, because nobody really reached out to them. However, they never made any effort to join a group or volunteer or get involved. Another woman I know was in a huff because no one from church visited her when she was in recovery from surgery, but she had also not been attending regularly, she hadn’t been volunteering, and she hadn’t let anyone know she had had surgery.

Community is not about people serving you; it’s about a mutual relationship. And many times, those who really understand that sentiment end up fitting in even with very cliquey groups. 

My daughter’s church, for instance, recently gained a new young couple to the congregation. The “young people” group is quite close-knit, and as a result it can be tricky to break into because everyone is so close that even if they try to invite people in, it seems to fizzle out. 

But this couple wanted friends, and they wanted to make a great community fast. So they volunteered. They even started helping to run the young adults group and were at every single event. 

And you know what? They found their place, and it feels like they’ve been there forever now, because they made themselves an integral part of the larger community as a whole. You know you can count on them, they took initiative, they offered their help and their time, and through serving together and simply spending time together they have become really great friends to lots of people in the church and it keeps getting stronger. 

On the other hand, there are often people who show up at young adults events but then don’t become involved in any deeper way. They don’t show up 20 minutes early to help set up, they don’t stick around to chat afterwards. And it’s really, really hard to get to know those people. It’s really easy for those people to slip through the cracks because they simply haven’t given people a chance to get to know them. 

Community happens when we go above and beyond, even in small ways. It happens when we stop seeing church as a way to get what we need and instead as a relational experience. That mindset shift changes us, and it makes us  more likely to show up a bit early or stay a bit later. And it’s by becoming someone that others can count on or serve together with that community is often found.

Living a life of community

We need to live a lifestyle that’s conducive with community, which means that we need to be able to drop anything and go. If you live a lifestyle where you’re not accessible to other people, it’s perhaps no wonder that you feel lonely! You can’t be in real community if you have no margins, because community requires some sacrifice. If you’re only able to take, and never to give, then you’re not a contributing member of a community, and you’ll never feel truly connected.

This is why long-term community is so important, because there are times when margins are not possible, and you have seasons where you need to rely on others. But that’s okay–if you have invested in others already.

Where can you find community?

Your community does not need to all be from the same place. When I think of my community, I think of my cousins, my sisters-in-law, my daughters and sons-in-law, and the young women who work on my blog. I think of my friends, none of whom go to my church, and who know each other only tangentially–Susan, Tammy, Donna, Lisa, Mollie, Jill. I think of some women whom I don’t see very often and whom I’ve never spent a ton of time with, but whom I’ve always clicked with and I’d love to see more of: Susie in Ottawa; Bonnie in Wingham; Elizabeth in Pittsburgh. Each of these women I could call at the drop of a hat to ask for help from or advice from, and each of these women I have helped in various ways over the years as well.

One of my best friends is actually my hairdresser. Yes, we also went to church together eons ago, but our friendship really formed in the chair in her shop.

And your community doesn’t have to be all people your age, either! It’s not necessarily about finding traditional friends, but about finding people who matter in your life.

I love talking to Joanna, one of my co-authors for The Great Sex rescue, but she’s 20 years younger than me. When I was 29, and I moved to the small town I’m in now, I joined a women’s Bible study, and one of my favourite aspects was the older women I met who encouraged me and gave me a perspective I didn’t know. Think of getting to know the younger people in your circle. Volunteer at youth group or help bring food to the college & career groups. Baby-sit for those younger than you.

My mom has “adopted” several grandchildren, whose moms don’t have parents at all or parents in the area. Every week she gets together with Samantha; with Mari (Joanna’s daughter); with Rachel and Elizabeth (who is named after my mom). There may be older women or older couples in your circle who would love to be surrogate grandparents!

I have often felt lonely, but sometimes it’s because I’m expecting too much.

I’ve had a hard time getting plugged in to a good church locally, mostly because I travel so much speaking, and when I am home on weekends, I really like to visit my daughters (and my grandson). So sometimes I go to church and get upset that people don’t seem to know me, or that I’m not more involved.

And yet I know that I have community–it’s just not at church.

This weekend I wasn’t in church because Keith and my mom and I flew out to Halifax. Tammy, my good friend and my main assistant on the blog, had her daughter getting married, and Keith and I were honoured to be the MCs. Two years ago this week, when Katie got married, Tammy’s husband Steeve officiated (and he officiated at our 25th anniversary renewal of the vows, too). I’ve got community, even if it’s not in the traditional church sense. And that’s really what matters.

This month, on our Monday series, we’re going to look at how to build the community we need. We’ll look at:

How to handle advice from your community
How to nurture a community that can talk about the hard stuff–even sex!
How to help your husband have community
How to help your kids have community

What do you think? Where do you find community? Let’s talk in the comments!

Real Talk About PMS: Your Period is Not a Malfunction You Have to “Cure”

Why is it that so often, when we talk about menstruation, it’s seen as something bad that we have to fight against, rather than a natural part of our bodies?

It’s the end of the month that we’ve been talking about how to love your body, no matter its shape, if you’ve been through sexual trauma, or even in the postpartum phase.

And this week, while on Twitter, I was blown away by an amazing thread by Katie Ruth from Reflections of an Ezer (you may remember we talked about what an ezer is in a previous post on being a warrior), and I reached out to her and said, “can I please please please please run this as a guest post? Because my readers need to hear this.”

She said yes, and so here it is! I’ll post her first tweets, and then I’ll just post the rest as text.

Ok friends, I usually don’t respond or interact with TGC articles, but this latest one is so bad and so personal that I HAVE TO ADDRESS IT.

This is going to be a long thread. Buckle up.

https://t.co/o0FCKxRiaQ

— Katie Ruth (@reallykatieruth) February 25, 2020

For those who may be reading this via email, and for whom that may not come through, she writes:

Ok friends, I usually don’t respond or interact with TGC articles, but this latest one is so bad and so personal that I HAVE TO ADDRESS IT. This is going to be a long thread. Buckle up. And then she links to this post from The Gospel Coalition called: PMS, the Monthly Fight with the Flesh  

Then she says: First of all, I agree there is a lot that we don’t know about the female body and this has a lot to do with patriarchy (that’s another conversation for another time), but lack of understanding of basic biology in this piece is worrisome.

Female bodies are not malfunctioning at certain times of the month.

They are doing EXACTLY what they are supposed to be doing. For many women, this NORMAL function comes with symptoms and unwanted side effects due to a variety of reasons. Stress, varying hormone production, and anatomical differences cause each woman to experience their cycle differently. But I AM TIRED of the narrative that says that something is wrong with the female species because our hormones rotate cyclically. In fact, I think it is a super power that we have that if we learn to pay attention.

Our bodies literally have a built-in radar that signals seasons of creativity and production and days where our body needs rest and care. PMS is not a fight with your flesh. Let me repeat that: PMS is not a fight with your flesh. If anything, it is the very opposite. It is an opportunity to slow down and accept the body that we have.

All my life, I have struggled with severe PMS.

I have debilitating pain, fluctuating hormones, and irregular periods. Ever had a cyst burst? Let me tell you, it is not pain I would wish on anyone. I have had more ultrasounds and I have been hospitalized—multiple times. I have had surgery and tried many natural interventions. All this I say not for your sympathy, but so you can maybe start to understand why I think articles like this are so dangerous. All my life I have fought my body. Spoken unkindly to her. Been angry with her for constantly not living up to the expectations I have for her. My body is tired of me fighting, and this difficult struggle that I face is not a reflection on my spirituality. It is a reflection of a body that is imperfect, and needs loving care and medical attention.

My fight is not against my body, my fight is learning to love my body despite its imperfections. PMS is not just some issue with women not being spiritual enough at some points of the month, PMS is a physical process that literally alters the landscape of your body. To suggest otherwise is uninformed and dangerous to women who actually need help. If you struggle to function at certain times of the month, it’s not because you need to try harder.

It’s not because you need to “sin less”. Your body is sending you a message that it needs more support. By beating yourself up for your “lack of spirituality” you will only make your symptoms worse as PMS is exacerbated by stress and anxiety in most people.

Now, let’s talk about the confusing of the concepts of “flesh” and “body” in biblical discussions.

When the Bible talks about the flesh, it is usually in comparison with the Spirit. It is a discussion of spiritual realities. What is entirely unhelpful is the notion that because the Bible talks about the flesh, therefore our bodies are bad, irredeemable, and worth nothing. God places value on our bodies, despite whatever view you may hold on sin nature and the brokenness of the world. God created our bodies, God cares for our bodies, and one day God promises to redeem our bodies.

It is a lie that God cares only for the spiritual, & not the physical. We are whole people, & God cares for our whole person. Our bodies, just like our minds, hold important messages for us that we need to learn to listen to not just dismiss in the name of being biblical. Our hormones are large part of daily functioning, and in some sense they direct us in more ways than we are consciously aware of.

Most functioning decision are made at the cellular level and have nothing to do with a conscious choice you make. If your hormones are at certain levels, it is very likely that you will feel sad. This is a PHYSIOLOGICAL response, not a spiritual one. To pretend that someone should just white-knuckle their way through and pretend everything is okay is unhelpful. Anger, sadness, joy, and every other emotion are all gifts to us. They are not to be discarded or shoved down inside. They are to be embraced and stewarded.

Might I suggest that on days when your body is feeling overwhelmed and on edge, that you try something revolutionary? Actually, be kind to your body?

Maybe go to bed a little earlier, or spend some time reading a book? If your PMS is affecting your life, maybe self care looks like going to a doctor to discuss your options.

A trauma-informed perspective of our bodies understands that ignoring the messages our bodies are trying to give us only makes the problems worse, not better or fixed. You are not wretched because you bleed. You are loved. May your PMS lead you into love, not self-hatred for the body you have been given.

I loved that so much! Thank you, Katie. Some of the comments on that thread were interesting, too, and a few stood out to me, including this one by the amazing Ruth Everhart who has written the great new book The #MeToo Reckoning:

Grateful for your pushback on this damaging article in @TGC which assumes that female bodies bleed because they’re broken and encourages women to FIGHT their very flesh! It makes me angry, but underneath my anger is so much sorrow for women who believe these things! pic.twitter.com/e4ekPvzfZO — rutheverhart (@rutheverhart) February 26, 2020

And this one, which makes a great point:              

This is also a very historically absent view of menstruation. Women generally (someone correct me if I’m wrong!!) were not expected to do the same labor while bleeding as they were the rest of the month. We are now unless we have the ability to set boundries. — Y’all Need Coffee & Jesus – Egal Potato Peelers (@CoffeeYall) February 25, 2020

 

                       

In Old Testament times, your period was actually a break for you! But today, we’re supposed to function as if we’re exactly the same, and no one can possibly know, or it’s a source of great shame.

As we finish the month talking about how to embrace the bodies we have, it’s worth thinking about how much shameful messages about our periods have impacted how we see our bodies. I don’t think we can truly embrace our bodies until we accept all that comes with being a woman.

So what do you think? Do we need to be willing to embrace our bodies more, even in their natural functions, and stop seeing these functions as somehow “bad” or causing sin? Let’s talk in the comments!

Katie is a thinker and writer. Growing up in the church, she experienced a lot of bad theology and trauma. Now she is passionate about pointing the church towards justice and providing better answers to theological questions. Katie has a bachelor’s in Christian counseling and works as an administrator by day. When she’s not writing, you can find her curled up with a good book, chatting over tea with a friend, or stretching on her yoga mat.
She blogs at https://reflectionsofanezer.com and is active on all the socials.
Twitter: @reallykatieruth
Instagram and Facebook: @katiesreflections

Katie Ruth

Reflections of an Ezer

Start Your Engines Podcast: On Periods Plus How to Tell if Sex Advice is Good

It’s time for our men’s edition of our podcast!

Women are more than welcome to listen, too (and, honestly, this one is pretty much great for both genders), but on the last Thursday of every month I like to focus on some specific topics that may be of interest to our male readers/listeners, too.

So today we covered two things: How to tell if the sex advice you’re reading/hearing is seriously off, and how to understand women’s hormonal cycles.

I’ve got some extras below, but first, listen in:

 

Listen to the Podcast Here

Browse all the Different Podcasts

See the Last “Start Your Engines” (Men’s) Podcast

Main Segment: Is this Advice, Well, Dumb?

Usually my husband joins me for these podcasts, but after getting back from our trip Keith is swamped with work, so I had Connor and Rebecca jump on for the main segment, because this one was actually Rebecca’s idea, after doing some research for our upcoming book The Great Sex Rescue.

What she found in reading a lot of marriage/sex books and marriage/sex advice online is that a lot of it is, well, kind of weird.

Take Love & Respect, where one of the ways that Emerson Eggerichs tries to convince women to have sex is with this line:

Why would you deprive him of something that takes such a short amount of time and makes him sooooooooo happy? (p. 252)

(he’s quoting a woman saying that.)

Now, given that in order for sex to feel good for women, women tend to need a lot of foreplay, and that quick sex is generally not good for women, why would you talk about sex in these terms? Why is sex being SHORT supposed to be a selling point? And should we be telling people that sex isn’t supposed to take that much time–that quick sex is normal? This completely misunderstands what women need to feel good–and most men on this blog genuinely want their wives to feel good! I find it really difficult to understand why a man would want to spread the message that sex doesn’t take very long (unless, of course, you’re talking about quickies. But in context, he wasn’t). When I read things like that, to be honest, I do wonder what people think sex is supposed to be like.

Or here’s another example, from Desiring God:

There aren’t any ideal sexual experiences in the world, I don’t think. Every woman probably has a picture in her mind of what she would or wouldn’t like. And every man has a picture in his mind. And they’re never identical. Maybe once in a thousand you would say, “This marriage represents her receiving and giving exactly she wants, and him receiving and giving exactly what he wants. They’re always in total harmony all the time.” That just never happens virtually, which means that marriage is a test case for sanctification and for self-denial. And it works both ways.

This isn’t bad–it’s just odd. What would an “ideal sexual experience” look like? It sounds like he’s talking about fantasies or something. All of us on the podcast agreed that we just don’t think in these terms. You make love, you feel close afterwards, and you don’t say, “was that ideal?” You just enjoy each other. So it’s just an odd way of looking at things that makes it seem as if we’re focusing on the physical of WHAT we’re doing, rather than just being together and making each other feel good and feel intimate.

Then there’s the problem that some ideas go so far in Christian circles that they’re taken as gospel–like like the idea that all men lust. I think it’s because we often confirm our own biases, and since most advice is given by men, we often overlook women’s experience.

Additionally, we tend to think that because someone has an M.Div, it means that they can talk authoritatively on anything. But having an M.Div does not mean that you’re a sexual expert. The Bible actually doesn’t talk about sex in specifics that much, and people do need to know more than just the Bible.

So here are our five points to help us be more discerning when it comes to choosing what advice to heed:

If I don’t like this advice, is it because it’s challenging me appropriately, and I’m resisting that?
If I like this advice, is it because it’s confirming my biases, and is laying the responsibility for change at someone else’s feet or justifying me staying the same?
Is this advice backed up by genuine research?
Does the person saying this actually have credentials or experience to know what they’re talking about?
Does this advice fit with a holistic view of sex, which includes mutual pleasure, passion, and a mutual “knowing” of each other?

Some other posts you may like on this subject:

Why We Need a New Definition of Sex
Godly Sex is Mutual Sex
Does the way we talk about women’s libidos make women have no libido?

 

Reader Question: How Does a Woman’s Hormonal Cycle Affect Sex?

I asked on my Facebook Page this week for ideas to tackle on this podcast, and this was a great question:

One thing that I see men needing understanding on is dealing with hormonal changes in there wives. One week anything gets her in the mood. The next you pull out all the stops and nothing. Guys need to understand women’s cycles and that it’s not that they are not doing thing right it’s just that she is not hormonally into it.

Rebecca and I explained the nitty-gritty of how a woman’s hormones affect libido, sexual response, and mood over the course of the month, similar to what’s explained in this post on hormones. Seriously, if you don’t know this stuff, listen! And I think women will really appreciate this, too.

We also talked about how our Sexy Dares could be used: 

Does your marriage need some spicing up–and some fun?

Try these 24 dares–plus one bonus–to take your marriage to the next level!

Let's add some heat!

And then we threw in some stuff about menopause and the birth control pill, too! Plus how hormones are natural, not something to be defeated, but are also not an excuse for terrible behaviour. But having periods of melancholy and introspection may be something that God actually intended for us. (and we’ll be talking about that tomorrow on the blog!).

Hope that helps husbands understand their wives (and women understand themselves, too).

What do you think? Do you ever read advice that sounds, well, odd? Did you know about how hormonal fluctuations affect libido? Let’s talk in the comments!

Finding the Joy of Jesus at the End of the World

For almost two years, my mom and my husband had been planning a cruise for the three of us to take to South America and Antarctica.

When we originally booked the cruise, we didn’t know that Rebecca would be having a baby just a few short months before we were supposed to leave for three weeks, or that the cruise would end up happening in the middle of when Rebecca, Joanna and I are trying to write the manuscript for The Great Sex Rescue.

But God knew what He was doing, because I really needed the break.

We arrived back last Sunday, and it was an amazing trip. My husband Keith (an avid birder) saw 173 new species of birds, including these two which I think he caught awesome pictures of:

White Throated Cacholote

White Throated Hummingbird

And it was partly a knitting cruise for my mom and me–we went with a group that took us to some amazing yarn shops, including some by women’s collectives (and, yes, I knit that bag I’m holding).

And I did a ton of knitting, including this cardigan (that still needs buttons) that I’m hoping will be my comfy, around the house sweater:

(By the way, any fellow knitters who are on Ravelry, feel free to friend me! I’m just sheilagregoire). 

We started in Buenos Aires, visited Uruguay and Argentina and the Falkland Islands, and cruised around Antarctica, watching whales, penguins, and icebergs for 3 days.

A typical iceberg in Antarctica

 

Yes, that’s a Magellanic Penguin chick right there! (in the Falkland Islands)

Then we visited Ushaia, the southernmost city in the world.

(And I knit the socks I’m wearing here, too).

Finally, we headed to the fjords of Chile, and then home.

In Castro, with the houses on stilts.

It was truly beautiful, and I spent my time reading (including the book The Body Keeps the Score, which I posted about on Monday), knitting, and drafting out several chapters of the Great Sex Rescue.

But mostly I needed to get offline, because it’s been a hard year.

Right before we left we left, Focus on the Family issued a statement in which they deliberately misrepresented me, and said that they found Love & Respect a “biblically sound, empowering message for women” despite my open letter about Love & Respect and Emerson Eggerichs.

The Religion News Service picked up the story, and published a fair and balanced article on the controversy.

But in between talking to the press and posting about this and responding to so many comments and emails, I was spent.

I couldn’t have put it into words, until I had a conversation with Katie while sitting in a port in Chile (it’s amazing how cell phones can get such great reception half a world away!).

For background, my daughter Katie married a military guy that she and Rebecca grew up with and have known for years, and they live in a small town in Ontario. Shortly before they were married two years ago this week (happy anniversary, Katie and David!), Keith and I were speaking at a FamilyLife Canada marriage conference in Niagara Falls, and a couple pulled us aside and told us that they followed my blog, and wanted to invite Katie and David to their church. He was a pastor in that town, and they’d love to have them.

Well, Katie and David walked in and they’ve been there ever since. It’s a small church, but the community is wonderful, and Katie feels as if she’s found a home.

Before that conversation with her pastor, Katie had been to the church that morning for a women’s Bible study, and then she had worship practice afterwards. When she was done, she was wandering the hall, ready to leave, when the pastor came up to her, and they started talking.

And Katie shared many of the things that have been on her heart lately–about how disillusioned she’s been with the same things that have been bothering Rebecca and me about the church; about the way she’s been treated online; about how many YouTube Christian creators are setting up all kinds of legalism about marriage (don’t kiss til you’re married; excessive modesty; excessive wifely submission; etc. etc.). And about how horribly a local church handled sexual assault by a youth pastor.

It’s been tough.

And then her pastor asked a very pastoral question, which was just what Katie needed (and really, just what I needed). He asked,

“When’s the last time you felt the joy of the Lord?”

And Katie was taken aback. She said lately, whenever Christianity comes up, she tenses up, ready to go on the defensive to say, “what that person/church/organization did doesn’t represent the Jesus I know”, or “I don’t believe that way.” Christianity has become a major source of stress, because there’s so much that’s messed up.

And he suggested she try to find the times that she felt joy, and focus on that and do more of that.

I needed that, too. I’m a fighter, and I’m all fired up about the results of our Bare Marriage survey, which so far Joanna (my co-author who is doing all the stats) assures me are showing what we thought they’d show (along with some very interesting statistically significant correlations with vaginismus and sexual pain). I’m excited to write the book. I’m ready to go to bat for men and women who have been taught such horrid things about sex and marriage, and who need to find truth.

But can I also admit that I’m a little sad? Or even a lot sad?

It’s hard when Focus on the Family, an organization I always respected, actually lied about me. How do I process that? How do I process the fact that they ignored what hundreds (or even thousands) of you said to me and in our survey?

And I am hurt. I really am. I’m hurt that they think that I don’t matter. That women who are abused don’t matter. That the only person who matters is Emerson Eggerichs. I’m not just angry. I’m not just fired up. I’m really, really sad.

I’m sad that Christians say this. I’m sad that I find it hard to know who to trust now. And I’m really trying to process all this and hold on to Jesus all I can.

So it was so necessary for me to have three weeks where I wasn’t doing battle. I wasn’t having to respond to anyone. I wasn’t having to defend myself. I could just look at icebergs and at whales and think and pray. I could be quiet, without all the noise. And it was very, well, nice. Really, simply nice.

I didn’t have any great revelations, except that I feel more energized, and I feel like the task before me isn’t too big anymore.

But no matter how bad “Christian” organizations or authors or YouTube people or anyone gets, it doesn’t change who Jesus is.

Sometimes we have to work a little bit harder at finding Christian community that reflects Jesus, and in March I’ve decided I want to make that our series–how can we find that kind of community, like Katie did way up north in her small town? How can we find people who can support us and whom we can support where we can talk about the things that matter? How can we find good community for our kids, and even our husbands? And what should we do if we’re in a toxic community right now?

Because we all need to see Jesus as a person, and not just a cause we need to defend.

It’s too tiring to always be on the defensive. It’s too tiring to always be confronted with those who claim Christ yet act nothing like Him. We need real community around us who can call us back to Jesus.

And I’m glad I called Katie, who shared her pastor’s advice, even while I was at the end of the world.

What do you think? How do you find joy in Jesus when those claiming Christ disappoint you? What does community look like to you? Let’s talk in the comments!

7 Things Sexually Confident Women Know

If you’re a Christian, can you be a sexually confident woman?

Absolutely! In fact, you should be a sexually confident woman, because you understand the richness of how God made sex!

I’m just back from an amazing vacation (and I’ll post about it on Friday; I really needed the mental health break), so I thought I’d rerun a post that I really liked that caps off our sex and your body series in February.

So here are some thoughts on what a sexually confident woman is, and what to do if you feel that you lack confidence!

1. A sexually confident woman knows that it’s okay to have sexual desire.

She knows that she was created with a sex drive. She knows that while sex is certainly beautifully intimate, it’s also about something primal which is about pleasure. She yearns to feel that and pursue all aspects of sex.

(and, if she’s single, she understands that’s still how God created her to be; and she works at transferring that energy into something else while she waits for marriage!) But she doesn’t get mad at herself for having sexual desire in the first place.)

2. A sexually confident woman knows that it’s okay to initiate sex and make something happen.

Just like a sexually confident woman has desires, she also knows that her desires are just as important as her husband’s. And so she’s not afraid to initiate sex with her husband. She’s not afraid to say, “Okay, I’m totally in the mood tonight, and I want to feel good!”

3. A sexually confident woman is in touch with what she likes and what feels good, and is eager to share this information with her husband.

A woman who is confident in this arena is also a woman who knows that she was created to feel pleasure, and that it’s important that this happens. She knows that sex was not created just for her husband. And so she’s eager to figure out what works best for her in terms of foreplay, positions, timing, etc., and she’s not afraid to share this information with her spouse. In fact, she’s eager to have those kinds of conversations, even if they’re breathless. (Here are some foreplay ideas to get more active, too!). 

And she knows that her arousal matters, too (and here 10 things to know about women and arousal.)

Are you TIRED of always being too tired for sex?

Do you yearn to actually WANT to make love–and figure out what all the fuss is about?

There is a way! And in this 10-module course I take you through what libido is (it may surprise you!), what affects libido, and how we can reclaim the excitement that God made us for.

Tell me more!



















4. A sexually confident woman enjoys enjoying her body.

She knows that she doesn’t have to have a perfect body to enjoy sex. In fact, it’s her sexual confidence that, in a way, helps her also to accept her body more. And she loves the parts of her body that feel good during sex, and she loves dressing them well and feeling confident with them.

She’s motivated to take care of her body, but her failure to look like a supermodel doesn’t steal sexual energy from her. She knows that God created sexuality to be more than just about attracting multiple people of the opposite sex, but instead about having fun and showing love to one particular person. And she’s excited to do that!

5. A sexually confident woman deliberately stokes sexual energy.

A woman who values sex knows that sex is fun and that sex is important, even if her libido isn’t always ramped up. So she deliberately does things throughout the day to put her in a more sexy frame of mind, because she values the sexual side of her life. Even if she’s not always “in the mood” automatically, she decides that this is a priority for her. So she flirts more; she enjoys being pretty; she imagines throughout the day what she wants to do tonight. She doesn’t put sex on the backburner until she magically feels “in the mood”; she prioritizes it even when she doesn’t.

6. A sexually confident woman knows sex is a great part of her life and tries to make it a big part of her life.

In a similar way, a sexually confident woman knows that sex is fun and that it benefits her marriage, and so she deliberately makes it a big part of her life. She stokes her own libido, but she also tries not just to settle for the minimum she can get away with. Her default is “why not tonight?”, rather than “should I tonight?” 

If you’re a Christian, can you be a sexually confident woman?
Absolutely!
In fact, you should be a sexually confident woman, because you understand the richness of how God made sex!

(Click here to tweet this quote)

7. A sexually confident woman knows that sex should be mutual

She knows that sex was created for her just as much as for him, and that means that her needs and desires matter, too. That also means that she feels the freedom to say “no” when he asks something that she feels is demeaning, sinful, or dangerous, because she knows that sexuality is a gift that she must protect to keep herself emotionally and spiritually healthy, too. She isn’t afraid to try new things that sound fun, but if something crosses a line, she calmly says no.

She also knows when she needs a break physically or emotionally, and isn’t afraid to ask for it, knowing that the beauty of the sexual relationship does not rest solely on whether she performs, but instead primarily on the way that they treat each other.

She knows that she wasn’t created just to serve her husband, but that he was created to serve her, too. And so she doesn’t allow her own boundaries to be crossed which may wound her sexually and emotionally.

Now, a bit of what a sexually confident woman doesn’t need to be.

Sexual confidence is not about skill or experience or even whether or not one is really orgasmic. Sexual confidence is about a mindset that knows what God made sex for, that knows it is good, that has a positive view to it, and that is focused on making sex great, even if it’s not quite there yet. 

In other words, it’s about how you think, not about what you experience. So it’s something that we can cultivate by learning more about sex and by focusing more on God’s intentions towards sex. And it’s something that you can even get ready for before you’re even married by coming to terms with your body and with the fact that you are a sexual being (even if you have to transfer that sexual energy elsewhere right now). And it’s exactly why I wrote The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex–to help you figure this stuff out and to feel more sexually confident.

Sexual confidence is also a journey. I don’t want you to beat yourself up if you can’t say yes to each one of these elements of confidence. I just want you to look at them and ask yourself, “Hmmmm…..I’m really lacking in this one. Maybe it’s one I can concentrate on now!” Pick one and decide that you’re going to work on it, because confidence really is something that we cultivate on a lifelong basis.

And now I want to help you do that!

So let me know in the comments: which of these aspects of sexual confidence do you want to work on? Let me know, and let’s talk about strategies to grow in those areas!

Learn Great Sex Tips!

9 Great Sex Tips for Her

How to Find the G-Spot

SEX and YOUR BODY SERIES: The Body Keeps the Score and Sexual Trauma

How does trauma impact our physical bodies–and our sexual lives?

I’ve been wanting to read The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van der Kolk for several months now. It’s been highly recommended by so many who study and work in the field of sexual trauma, and so, when we left for vacation, I loaded it on my Kindle, all ready to see the insights on sex lives today after trauma, the effects of childhood trauma, and the effects of abuse in relationships.

(affiliate links below for the book!)

Since we’re talking about sex and your body this month in our February series, I was planning on trying to summarize it in a blog post, and talk more about recovery. But instead, on reading it, I saw something really interesting about the way that we talk about sex in the Christian community, and it’s actually that which I’d like to focus on in this post.

But first, I’ll try a short summary (and this is going to be a pathetic summary because there’s so much in the book, and it’s just amazing, and I’ll never do it justice).

Here’s how trauma is formed:






“Whenever we feel threatened, we instinctively turn to the first level, social engagement. We call out for help, support, and comfort from the people around us. But if no one comes to our aid, or we’re in immediate danger, the organism reverts to a more primitive way to survive: fight or flight. We fight off our attacker, or we run to a safe place. However, if this fails–we can’t get away, we’re held down or trapped–the organism tries to preserve itself by shutting down and expending as little energy as possible. We are then in a state of freeze or collapse.”
Bessel Van Der Kolk

The Body Keeps the Score

And because the trauma is unable to be resolved, the parts of our brain that are activated during trauma stay activated, even when the danger has passed. And this has dire consequences for our daily lives.

Van der Kolk shows in the book the two different forms of reactions to trauma–people in extreme agitation and emotional arousal (not sexual arousal, but having one’s panic buttons constantly pushed); or people who are completely shut down, unable to feel emotions, connections, or experiences–“in an effort to shut off terrifying sensations, they also deadened their capacity to feel fully alive.“

And in the book he explains the science behind what happens; the history in the field of psychology and psychiatry that has tried to help these people (and how they have spectacularly failed on so many levels), and then different treatments which have been found to be very effective, including EMDR, yoga, integrative family systems (which I personally found fascinating), biofeedback (which sounds amazing), theatre, and more.

Trauma actually changes our brains by activating certain areas and keeping them activated, and that will show up in other ways in our bodies–hence “the body keeps the score.” To resolve many of our physical and emotional ailments, we have to help our brain restore proper balance and leave the heightened trauma response behind.

He showed how so many of the things that we label mental disorders–like obsessive compulsive disorder, depression, anxiety, and more–can actually be reactions to trauma. And yet we treat them as if they are the disease itself. 

Nowhere is this more tragic than in the case of child abuse, where so many behaviour problems in children actually stem from chronic trauma at home, where they are not safe. And yet we medicate them and give them labels rather than addressing the trauma in their home life. He makes the case that this is the biggest public health crisis in North America today.

At the heart of trauma is a feeling of being unsafe.

Trauma is caused when you cannot control what is happening around you, especially when you are in danger. While in the first part of the book he talked about trauma from specific, isolated events, like war, or car accidents, or assaults, later in the book he showed how trauma can be caused by living in an unsafe environment, like child abuse. Chronic trauma, where we never feel safe, has horrendous repercussions.

But let’s tease that out for a moment. 

What, exactly, is involved in feeling unsafe? 

It’s feeling as if you have no agency. That who you are, fundamentally, is being ignored and doesn’t matter. One of the ways we feel safe is that we feel as if we are seen.  When we aren’t seen, especially on a continuing basis, that can cause trauma.

“Trauma almost invariably involves not being seen, not being mirrored, and not being taken into account.” 

“Being ignored or dismissed can precipitate rage reactions or mental collapse.”

“… knowing that we are seen and heard by the important people in our lives can make us feel calm and safe.”

Bessel Van Der Kolk

The Body Keeps the Score

Being seen matters! As Van der Kolk says, this is especially true in those relationships which are supposed to be the closest:






“The holes in the soul that result from not having been wanted, not having been seen , and not having been allowed to speak the truth.” 
Bessel Van Der Kolk

The Body Keeps the Score

What if too much Christian teaching on sex tells women that you’re NOT seen?

One of the measures that we were looking at in our Bare Marriage survey was sexual pain.

Pelvic floor physiotherapists have known for years that those who are conservative religiously are more likely to experience sexual pain. What we were hoping to tease out was why–what teachings specifically make this more likely?

I won’t go into all the details, because I’d like to save most of it for our upcoming book The Great Sex Rescue, but I can tell you that feeling as if a husband has a need for sex that you don’t share, and feeling as if you have an obligation to meet that need, leads to higher rates of vaginismus (vaginal muscle contractions that make intercourse painful, if not impossible). And that’s exactly the teaching that is in the book Love & Respect (a message that Focus on the Family says is an “biblically-based, empowering message for women, remember), and far too many others.

I’m not arguing that sex isn’t an important and necessary part of marriage, by the way. But how we talk about it matters; and framing sex as only something that a husband needs and is owed, and a woman must provide, is unbiblical and makes her needs and feelings invisible.

When we feel as if we don’t matter, as if our needs don’t matter, as if we are invisible–our bodies feel under attack. We go into fight, flight, or freeze mode.

As I was reading The Body Keeps the Score, I couldn’t get our survey results about vaginismus out of my mind.

The condition itself looks like a classic reaction to trauma. As Van der Kolk explains,

“When people are chronically angry or scared, constant muscle tension ultimately leads to spasms, back pain, migraine headaches, fibromyalgia, and other forms of chronic pain.”

Bessel Van Der Kolk

The Body Keeps the Score

Muscle contractions and tense muscles are common symptoms of trauma. And vaginismus contracts muscles in such a way that makes intercourse difficult, if not impossible, as if the body itself is rejecting sex.

This doesn’t mean that all vaginismus is trauma-related; it’s clear that it’s a multifaceted condition that can be caused by many things that affect the pelvic floor.

But what our surveys found was a reason that vaginismus may be a trauma reaction in some women: that too much Christian teaching leaves women feeling invisible and powerless when it comes to sex. And our bodies naturally rebel against that, even if our minds don’t seem to be.

And this trauma can be activated whether or not our husbands agree with this “obligation sex” message, by the way, because it is not our husbands who are necessarily causing the trauma. It’s the teaching in the first place. You may have the kindest husband in the world who wants sex to be totally mutual and doesn’t want to force anything, but the teaching has made you feel invisible and unsafe, and it is that to which your body may be reacting.

As Van der Kolk says, one of the biggest reasons for trauma in close relationships is the mindset:

“I feel like an object, not a person.”

When we feel as if we don’t matter, as if our needs don’t matter, as if we are invisible– our bodies feel under attack. We go into fight, flight, or freeze mode.

(Click here to tweet this quote)

We can’t walk in sexual wholeness while still feeling like objects.

While the go-to treatment for sexual pain is pelvic floor physiotherapy–and I highly recommend that, by the way–what our survey results tell me, and what this book tells me, is that it’s not only pelvic floor physiotherapy that we need. If rates of sexual pain are higher when people believe certain things, then part of the treatment has to be challenging those beliefs and giving people back their agency. 






“Trauma robs you of the feeling that you are in charge of yourself…The challenge of recovery is to re-establish ownership of your body and your mind–of your self.”
Bessel Van Der Kolk

The Body Keeps the Score

God does not intend for people to be used! And yet think of how often our teaching has made it sound like allowing yourself to be used is a good thing. We may hear this, and we may even believe it. But our bodies and our emotions often rebel directly against it, because it makes us feel unsafe. We may get sexual pain. We may have a huge drop in libido. We may feel chronically angry. We aren’t deliberately causing these things, but our bodies are trying to protect us from feeling unsafe.

Recovery from this involves: “restoring a sense of agency, engagement, and commitment through ownership of body and mind.”

In other words, treatments that focus on helping the body physically be able to have sex without addressing HOW we have sex or WHY we have sex may fail. We can’t solve the problem of vaginismus while still remaining in the same mindset that caused the chronic trauma–that a person is not seen; has no agency; doesn’t matter. It’s like trying to treat a child’s behavioural problems without removing them from an abusive household.

Maybe the answer is to challenge our beliefs about sex, and see God’s real intention–and that’s what I wrote The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex for. It shows how sex was made for women AND for men, and that our needs and desires and wants are central to good sex, not incidental or peripheral. Sex isn’t a one-way obligation; it’s something that is meant to be mutual in every way.

(Because trauma impairs our rational brain’s function, changing beliefs in and of themselves can’t solve trauma. We have to give the body itself a chance to resolve it physically, by giving a person more control during sexual encounters; giving them more agency, etc. But more on that on another day!).

All of this reminded me of the Bible story of Hagar, Abraham, and Sarah.

If you may remember, God had promised Abraham that he would have a son, and that from this son God would make a great nation. The problem?

Abraham and Sarah were both really old, and Sarah was barren. So in desperation, Sarah suggested that Abraham have a child with her slave Hagar.

Nothing in the Bible story tells us that Hagar was a willing participant. She wouldn’t have had a say in it. This was sexual assault. Her feelings and needs didn’t matter.

Later, Abraham did have a child with Sarah, and now Hagar and her son Ishmael were threats to Isaac, the child of the promise. And so Abraham sends Hagar and her son away.

While she is in the desert, God provides for her.

And here’s where things get interesting. Hagar is the first person in Scripture who is given the honor of bestowing a name upon God. And the name that she chooses?
“The God who sees me.”

After being sexually assaulted, forced to carry a baby, and then abandoned, never having her needs or wishes taken into account, being invisible and used to meet other people’s needs, God sees her.
And being seen makes all the difference.

What I also hope will come from our survey, and our upcoming book, is an awareness that far too much Christian teaching around sex actually can cause trauma by telling women they aren’t seen and aren’t important, and that they exist to be used (as penis homes, in Mark Driscoll’s words). 

This is not the biblical way to see sex, and I showed a better way in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and we’ll be tackling this head on in the upcoming The Great Sex Rescue.

God sees us.

And being seen makes all the difference.

(Click here to tweet this quote)

But far too many Christian resources still preach it, and it is having real-world ramifications on women’s bodies. I know this grieves God, who sent His Son to set the captives free. May we find a way to talk about sex that involves a mutual knowing, a mutual giving, an other-centered outlook rather than an obligation and entitlement model.

As Leslie Vernick said, “A spouse is a person to love, not a body to use.” If the way we talk about sex reduces women to objects, then no wonder women’s libido is often killed, and so many women experience sexual pain.

The body, after all, keeps the score.

If you’re intrigued by this, do check out The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van der Kolk! It is fascinating, and my husband really enjoyed reading it, too, as a physician.

What do you think? Has your body kept “the score”? Could the way that we talk about sex be hurting women? Let’s talk in the comments!

Read the Do Not Deprive Series:

Do Not Deprive: Are Women the Ones More Likely to Be Deprived?

Godly Sex is Mutual Sex!

Why We Need a New Definition of Sex

10 Times It’s Okay to Say No to Sex

Do You Put Your Wife’s Needs First? Plus 2 Extra Ways to Boost Her Self-Image! Comments of the Week

I am personally very glad this week is over! 

I’ve (Rebecca) been looking over the blog since Sheila (my mom) has been on her vacation (they are having a lovely time, by the way!).

View this post on Instagram

Haven’t been posting on social media much because we’re on a cruise of Antarctica—and there’s been almost no internet! It’s been awesome at the bottom of the world!

PODCAST: Recovering Your Sex Life After a Baby

It’s time for a new episode of the To Love, Honor and Vacuum podcast!

I hope you all will listen, but if you don’t have time, I’ll have some links and rabbit trails below so you can read all you want as well!

And consider this podcast “extras”. If you want to go deeper into what I talked about in the podcast, here are some more things to help you.

But first, here’s the podcast:

 








Main Segment: Sex After Babies

How do you manage sex, intimacy, and emotional closeness after the baby arrives? Does the postpartum period, with its sleepless nights and physical hurdles, simply not lend itself to feeling close and connected with your spouse?

Joanna and Rebecca tackle this on today’s podcast getting pretty open and honest about their experiences and what they wish they had known ahead of time!

A quick note from Rebecca: talking about this kind of personal stuff on a podcast is incredibly strange. It really makes sense why so many women simply aren’t told what to expect ahead of time because this stuff is tough to talk about! It’s personal, it’s awkward, and it’s hard to know if you’re the only one or not.

So I’m wondering–any of you out there who had women in your life tell you what to expect in a really helpful way? What did they do right? We hear a lot about how we don’t talk about this enough, but I’d love to hear from some women who DO feel like they were prepared!

And if you’re expecting a baby or simply want to hear what else we’ve had to say on the matter of postpartum sex, check out this post and podcast: 

10 Things to Know about Postpartum Sex

Postpartum, Vaginismus, and Why Does it Hurt Down There?!

Reader Question: My Husband Won’t Do What It Takes to Get Baby Into Her Own Room

This is a bit of a different one–usually whenever we get questions about cosleeping or room-sharing it’s from husbands who are desperate but scared their wives will be offended! But here’s one from a woman who is seriously at the end of her rope. She wants her sleep back, she wants to be able to have space to have sex again!

I have an almost one year old still camping out in my (our) bedroom every night because her bedroom has yet to be remodeled. It is currently a storage room for my husband’s tools mostly. We have to get a shed for those, plus put flooring in, paint, etc. we had bought this house in foreclosure and her room is the last to be fixed. I have told my husband how her presence in our room hurts my sleep, she is impossible to night wean as she sleeps right next to our bed and has ears like no other child we’ve had. Plus our intimacy has taken a hit.

He acknowledges all this, but doesn’t actually DO anything towards moving her out. I have two other young children, so my free time is limited. He works long hours at a physically demanding job and wants to rest when he gets home. I understand that, and I don’t expect things to happen over night, but we’ve known this needed to be finished since she was conceived–almost two years and zero progress!

Keith and Sheila tackle this one, and it’s a pretty specific situation, but for more general posts on what to do when your spouse wants to cosleep or room-share past the AAP recommended age and you do not check out these:

Ask Sheila: Help! My Wife Sleeps with Our Kids!
Reader question: My Wife Sleeps with the Toddler!

That’s all for this week–sorry this is a shorter post, but we’ll be back to our normal ones when Sheila is back from vacation! For now, enjoy the podcast and the linked posts here and have a wonderful Thursday.

How to Help Your Wife with Her Body Image

How do you, as a husband, help a wife who is struggling with seeing herself as beautiful?

This is Keith, Sheila’s husband, and welcome my second installment of “Men’s Corner”!

Once a month, I’m going to write an article mostly aimed at Sheila’s male readers, but hopefully speaking in a way that is accessible to all.  This month, Sheila has asked me to chime in on how a husband can help his wife with her body image issues.  Yikes!  Can anyone say “minefield”?  This is an area many husbands feel great trepidation when approaching, but I hope to disperse that a bit and give you some practical hints on how to help.

Let me start by saying that this post is specifically about how a husband can handle his wife’s body image issues as this is a women’s blog. I recognize that studies show that 20-40% of men also struggle with body image issues.

Please don’t take the fact that I am only addressing the topic from the women’s side as lack of compassion for your plight.  I encourage you to get the help you need from trusted sources for men’s health.

Now with that said, let’s get on to how we can help our wives in this area!

First of all, guys, it is very important to realize that for almost every woman this is a real struggle.

A negative self-image and negative self-talk is something most women battle with on a daily basis.  My wife tells me that if you ask a woman to “name five things she hates about her body” she can give you that list within a matter of seconds. The only struggle she would have is limiting it to five!

For the majority of guys, though, this is completely foreign to our way of thinking. So much so that we can even tend to get a bit dismissive of our wife’s struggle. Sometimes we might even be tempted to think our wife is just saying negative things about herself as a way of fishing for compliments. Gentlemen, I can assure you, they are NOT.

From an all too young age, our wives have been bombarded by media and messages designed to make them discontent about their bodies. It is everywhere and it is relentless.  Under this onslaught, even if they have healthy relationships all around them, they are always being pushed toward seeing their worth and value purely in how they look.

One of the most powerful things we can do for our wives – and our daughters! – is to push back against this message as hard as we can.  And the first step is recognizing it and labelling it for the lie that it is. But what are some practical ways we can do that?

1. Don’t feed the stereotypes of attractiveness that are out there.

Magazine covers, movies, television shows and other media all tend to present an unrealistic idea of what the average woman looks like. Even if the movie/show/whatever is supposed to be about “average people”, the actors playing the roles are usually anything but average in height, weight or overall attractiveness.  And don’t get me started about airbrushing and all that other nonsense!

We men can unwittingly buy into these stereotypes and then subtly or overtly express displeasure in aspects of our wife’s appearance as a result, sometimes without even realizing it.  It probably goes without saying that this can be very damaging to her self-esteem and contribute massively to her body image issues.

Instead, we really need to be promoting the idea that beauty comes in many different shapes and sizes.  I really enjoy British programs, because they tend to do a much better job of presenting a variety of body types and levels of attractiveness than we do over here in North America and I find that very refreshing.

Now this doesn’t mean you have to ignore serious health risks. Obesity and being overweight are medical conditions that are becoming increasingly frequent.  They carry a heavy health burden and need to be addressed.  But even if she does need to lose weight for health reasons, you can be the voice that helps your wife feel beautiful at any size. Support her pursuing a healthy lifestyle that means you will be active and healthy together for longer, but recognize that many women are already telling themselves, “I’ll be beautiful when I’m skinnier.” Do not be another voice contributing to that.

But many times what we as husbands are dealing with is a wife of average size who sighs and says something like, “I need to lose weight.”  Instead of agreeing with her, a good question to ask would be why she feels that way. Is it truly for health reasons? Or does she secretly think you would love her more if she looked different. If so, be quick to reassure her that you love her unconditionally for who she is.

And if it truly is for health reasons, let her know you are willing to support her by making healthier life choice yourself and – most of all – ensure she knows that you love her the way she is right now.

Rebecca Says:

Back about 6 months before I was pregnant, I realized that I had slipped into the “overweight” BMI category. I was shocked at first until I saw the stack of pizza boxes on our recycling bin and thought, “Oh, well that makes sense.”

I asked Connor if he thought that I looked bigger and the man handled it like a champ. He said, “Yeah, we’ve both put on some weight. I think you’re just as beautiful as ever, but we should probably work together to make sure that we get back on a healthy trajectory.”

With his help and his encouragement, by the time I got pregnant I had reached my goal and was a healthy BMI again!

But here’s the catch: for years before he had been building trust with me, never criticizing me for having cellulite or not being a size two. He had shown me so well that he finds me attractive whatever size I am that when I needed to lose weight to maintain good health I knew I could trust him that he was still attracted to me. So men, even if you have a wife who needs to lose weight, if you haven’t put in the leg work to build that trust, don’t expect the conversation to go well! Instead, take you time to show your wife how she can trust you when you say she’s beautiful and then, when the health question comes up, you may find you have more success and a more secure wife!

Rebecca Lindenbach

 2. Don’t let her talk negatively about herself.

Women have a constant negative inner voice criticizing every aspect of their bodies. That’s why naming five things she hates is not a stretch for her!  Never feed in to that and take every opportunity to confront that voice with words of truth and positive affirmation.  When she says something like “My thighs are too fat.”, “My nose is too big”, for instance, then challenge her on it and ask “Why would you say that?” If she says something that you feel is untrue about her body then tell her. “Well frankly, honey, I disagree; I think your nose is beautiful.”

But most of all, remind her that every part of our bodies doesn’t have to be perfect in order for us to be attractive. That is a lie foisted onto us by a society intent on the commodification beauty. Don’t buy into it and help her not to buy into it either.

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3. Never compare her to other women

Or agree with her when she compares herself to other women. As Theodore Roosevelt said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” Whether it is comparing possessions, life circumstances or our physical bodies, looking to others for our sense of identity is a terrible trap to fall into. As Christians, our value and worth are found in Christ. We are children of God, who made each of us unique and loves us unconditionally to the point that He was willing to die for us!

That is the well out of which our self-esteem and our identity needs to flow, not how we rank up against others.  Comparing your wife to other women, even in jest, only reinforces all her insecurities.  Even positive comparisons fuel the idea that we should judge ourselves according to others, which we know is a lie.

Always affirm your unconditional love for her and encourage her to find her value in Christ rather than her external appearance.  So the next time she says “Oh, that woman is much prettier than me.” Don’t get trapped into comparison by either agreeing (Is there any guy dumb enough to do THAT?!?) or even over the top contradiction (which she will likely not believe anyway). A more positive approach would be to say: ”She may be beautiful, but so are you. And you are the one I love.”

4. Recognize that women’s bodies change with time and that is NORMAL.

I think I we all know what I mean here; time takes its toll on all of us. Sheila often describes this in her Girl Talks by pointing out things like “Once gravity happens it doesn’t UNhappen.” Having babies results in natural changes to the body which we all have to accept.  (And don’t tell me about that one movie star who had three kids and still has a perfect figure – She has a personal trainer, a maid to clean the house, a cook to make meals for her and a nanny to watch her kids while she goes to the gym two hours every day!)

I was very encouraged to recently hear a husband at a marriage conference saying he felt that the mother of his four children should be proud of her  post-baby figure because she “worked hard for it”. Let your wife know you signed on for the long haul. You know that means you will obviously both change as you age and you are okay with that.  Sheila has begun sighing recently about the few wrinkles she is starting to get, but they don’t make her any less attractive to me.

It may sound sappy, but to me they are a testimony of the years when have spent together, a reminder of all we have been through.  It is sad but true that society’s message is that while age in men may be considered attractive, women do not get the same treatment.  In society’s distorted lens, a man at least has the possibility to age like a bottle of fine wine with the hope of looking better year by year.

Conversely, a woman feels she is combatting a losing battle just to keep what she once had. Have sympathy for your wife’s plight. Remember what I said about not comparing her to other women? Well one of those women is her former self!  Refuse to buy into society’s double standard of beauty and encourage her not to as well. Reassure her that she is still beautiful to you in every stage of life.

From an all too young age, women have been bombarded by media and messages designed to make them discontent about their bodies. It is everywhere and it is relentless. 

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Now I can hear some of you men out there already saying, “But I DO say all those things and she is still always unsatisfied with her body.” 

For some of you, you may be tempted to give up as she doesn’t seem to be listening when you try to encourage her.  But let’s contemplate for a second why that might be happening.

First of all, your positive words of affirmation are not the only thing she is hearing.  The voices that are out there encouraging her to be unsatisfied with her body cannot be switched off and they continue to work against the positive things you say. I read somewhere that on average, women have one negative thought about themselves every minute.

So you have to be realistic and recognize that you are fighting an avalanche.  But don’t lose heart! Keep the positive affirmations coming.  Although there are no guarantees – no magic number of times you can say she is beautiful in her own way that will suddenly change everything – it is true that the more she hears positive from you the more likely she will start to believe it.

Secondly, try to remember that these negative self-critical thoughts have a real history in her life.  If she has been hearing one message for the past twenty years, don’t expect she will drop all that after you say nice things to her consistently for a week or two.

The truth is, if you are going to help your wife with the body image battle you need realize you have signed on for a prolonged campaign, not just a brief skirmish!  Be willing to walk with her through this and keep giving the same message of love and acceptance. A consistent message over a prolonged time can make it easier for her.

Many men tell me that their wives tend to dismiss their positive comments with remarks like “You’re only saying that because you have to” or “You’re just being nice.” Try not to get frustrated or upset when she discounts the positive things you say like that. Instead, see that as an indication of how deep set her insecurities can be sometimes.  When she says things like that, you may feel that she is not listening to you, but a husband’s words are very powerful to his wife.

Keep saying the words that build her up. You ARE making a difference.

One last thing I would suggest is to be careful about saying how much it hurts you when she says negative things about herself.  I worry that for some women, that might only make her clam up entirely as well as adding guilt to the maelstrom of emotions she feels when she looks in the mirror.

Instead, if you feel that way, tell her you are honestly worried that her negative self-talk is unhealthy for her and depriving her of joy.  Often depression and anxiety are linked to struggles with body issues. Let her know that for the sake of her mental health, she ought to try to make her self-talk more positive and reassure her that you are definitely on board with helping her in that fight.

So now it’s your turn! Tell me what resonated with you or what I missed. Are there other ways that you have found to deal with body image issues in your marriage? And feel free to leave suggestions of other topics for upcoming “Men’s Corner” blog posts!

More posts in our Men’s Corner:

10 Reasons Your Wife May Not Want Sex

10 Ways a Husband Can Initiate Sex–without Turning Her Off

Noticing is Not Lusting!

Do We Understand What Rejection Does to Husbands?