Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 66
January 21, 2020
6 Steps to Change Negative Character Traits: What Character Growth Looks Like
Is it fair to say to your spouse, “This is just the way I am” when it comes to a negative character trait?
Is there a way to change negative character traits in ourselves–and even in those around us? I’m not talking about personality differences, where we may clash on different things. I’m talking about negative character traits where we tend to show selfishness, immaturity, or something else that makes life difficult for those around us.
As we’re talking about growth in marriage this month, and specifically this week about how to talk to your spouse if something is bugging you, I thought we’d continue with this theme with an extra post looking at how to change negative character traits. Really, that’s just a fancy way of talking about another concept: GROWTH. Changing a negative character trait is simply growing as a Christian and a human being.
Life is supposed to be characterized by growth–not stagnation with our bad character traits.
We’re supposed to get increasing victory over sin. We’re supposed to get more mature. We’re supposed to gain greater insight, greater patience, greater wisdom.
Unfortunately, often we use the language of love in marriage to make it sound like wanting your spouse to grow, or wanting you to grow, means that you don’t really love them. “If you loved me, you’d accept me, and this is part of who I am!”
But I think of it in a different way. If I love Keith, I want him to be the best that he can be. I want him to live out God’s purpose for his life. I want him to thrive, to excel, to do the things that God has planned for him. And that means that I want him to grow!
And I also know that part of loving Keith means that I need to grow as well. I need to become more loving, more patient, more kind. I need to be the best that I can be, and run after Jesus as much as possible, because that’s part of my wedding vow. I promised that I would love and cherish and honour him, and the way that I do that is by treating him as well as I can. And the only way to treat him well is to deal with my own negative character traits.
Saying “this is just who I am” is a cop out, pure and simple.
Being a person means that you are someone dynamic. The mark of our lives is that we change. And so let’s take care that we change in the right direction.
1. Know who you’re supposed to be.
What is it that God wants from us?
First, He wants us to look more and more like Christ:
For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters.”
Romans 8:29
He wants us to demonstrate the fruits of the Spirit:
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control…
Galatians 5:22-23a
That’s the point. So learn to recognize those things. Hang out with people who can spur you on to love and good deeds–who really do demonstrate the fruit of the Spirit. Pray together for these things in your lives. Be part of a community where you see Jesus and you start to want more of Him. You can’t change a negative character trait until you learn to recognize the good.
Okay, sounds good so far. But how do we make growth into those good character traits happen? Let’s look at a few strategies.
2. Call out the opposite–The flipside of a negative character trait is often a personality strength
Let me tell you a story about my daughters when they were younger. They were truly wonderful as kids. I know every mother says that, but they were. They were kind, they were loving, they were helpful, they had an extremely high moral framework for themselves, and they were a joy to parent. They still are, even as adults!
But they each also had their own areas of weakness–their own negative character traits. I’ve always felt that your greatest weaknesses are tied to your strengths. Rebecca, for instance, had a high demand of holiness in herself, which is great. She would never lie. She would never be mean to anyone. She wanted to be GOOD.
The three of us at my first Publisher, Kregel, with copies of To Love, Honor and Vacuum in the background!
That’s the good part. But then she would often flip that onto others. She would demand the same of them, and she would be hurt and angry if they didn’t follow through. And as a firstborn child, she was often very bossy of her younger sister. But her bossiness, her demands that Katie listen to me, do her chores, do the right thing, were the flipside of the high standards she set for herself.
The good–she wants to do the right thing. The bad–she demands it in others.
I pride myself on being a strong worker, being able to get a lot of things done. The flipside of that, however, is that I can be so focused that I can’t relax, and I can be very grumpy with others when I’m in the middle of a project. It’s hard to turn it off.
The good–I work hard. The bad–I make others suffer for it.
One of the long-standing discussions that Katie and I would have is that she can be a real people pleaser. She wants others to like her, and she really values her friendships. The flipside of that, though, is that she doesn’t know how to say no, and often finds herself far too busy and overburdened with other people’s problems.
The good–she honestly cares. The bad–she exhausts herself for it.
Do you see what I mean? The character traits that tend to be our strengths often also become our weaknesses.
Are you GOOD or are you NICE?
Because the difference matters!
God calls us to be GOOD, yet too often we’re busy being nice. And sometimes, in marriage, that can actually cause problems to be even more entrenched.
What if there’s a better way?
Take me to it!
Sensitive people who care deeply about others tend to also not be able handle criticism or difficult conversations. People who can respond well under a crisis and who are highly responsible can sometimes come off as uncaring because they’re so logical.
So what do you do? Call out the good first, and validate the good, before trying to address the bad.
“Katie–you care so much for people, and that’s wonderful. But sometimes you don’t care enough for yourself. And you can’t help others if you’re always exhausted. It’s wonderful that you have such a big heart; let’s talk about how to protect you and draw boundaries.”
Or Keith has had to say to me:
“Sheila, I’m in awe at how much you can get done. But you also need some time to rejuvenate and relax. Let’s start planning more of that into your schedule.”
When you notice your spouse doing something good that is the flipside of the negative character trait, call it out. Reinforce it. But then bring it back to the right balance.
3. Remind yourself and your spouse who you are and what your aiming for
Every couple should have a vision for where they’re going–what you want your life and your marriage and your parenting to look like in the future. What is God doing in your life right now? Where are you going? When we have a vision, and a direction, then you have something to measure against when you fall.
Let me give a super practical example. A woman wrote was commenting on the blog a while ago that her husband played video games non-stop after coming home from work. She was scared, because she was pregnant, and she didn’t know what this would look like once the baby came. So they talked about how much was reasonable for him to play video games, and they decided that they should each have an hour a night to do with as they want, and two hours on weekend days. But other than that, they’d spend time together.
Now, when he’s on video games for longer, she can go to him and say, “remember? You said this isn’t what you wanted for yourself. You said that you wanted to do more with your evenings than play video games.” Because they’ve already had that talk and decided what they want life to look like, she can go and remind him.
Other posts that may help:
My Husband plays video games too much
Let’s talk timewasters: Video games, Netflix, etc.
4. Praise the things that are good, both in yourself and in your spouse
This general rule is a good one as well: If you’re trying to change negative character traits, always call out the good, too, even the ones unrelated to the bad. One of my friends had a husband who was fighting a porn addiction, which hurt her heart so much. But in those months as they were going through counseling and trying to put it behind them, she made it a point of thanking him for two things a day. The fact that she had to look for two things to thank him for meant that she was training herself to notice the good. That’s a key point in my book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, which can change the dynamic when we’re going through rough patches.
When the good is reinforced, people tend to want to repeat it. So praise helps everyone!
Character traits that tend to be our strengths often also become our weaknesses.
(Click here to tweet this quote)
5. Have grace for slipups when negative character traits come to the forefront
Growth is very rarely a straight, upwards progression. It usually has times of tremendous progress, and then a few steps back, and then some slow progress before sliding back down again. Over the course of a year or two you may notice real change, but over a week, or a day, not so much. People slip up.
Take a spouse who is trying to get help for anxiety and depression. Maybe they’ve made some progress, and they’re eating better, taking medication, going for therapy, and sleeping better. But then, maybe over a weekend, they stay in bed and everything seems to go to pot. The temptation in that moment is to assume that you’re back at square one, and that they’ll never be better again. But none of us can be perfect. It’s better, again, to remind them of where they are, where they’ve come, and the goal:
You’ve had a really good two months. You’ve done really well. This is a set back. But don’t let it hamper you from moving forward. I’m proud of you for where you’ve come. You’ll get there again. What can I do to help?
6. Get help for the big problems
And then, if it’s something that just isn’t getting better, get some help.
For instance, I have people asking me, “shouldn’t he get better from his porn addiction? It’s been two years since I discovered it, and he keeps being fine for a month, but then sliding back into it. How long do I have to put up with this for?”
Yes, he should be getting better. It’s one thing to have occasional slip ups; it’s quite another to have those repeatedly, without showing commitment to get better. So if something big keeps happening, then seek out some licensed counseling for him, and also for you as you learn how to draw good boundaries (again, my book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage deals with this in detail).
What are some of your own negative character traits and how did you learn to turn them into positive growth? Let’s talk in the comments!
Like this post? You should also check out:
MBTI and Marriage: Just Your Type!
Author
Social Media
Sheila's Best Posts
Books
Courses
Freebie
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
January 20, 2020
Iron Sharpens Iron: How to Speak Up when Something’s Bugging You in Marriage
How do you ACTUALLY confront your spouse when something’s bugging you?
We’re in the middle of our iron sharpening iron series on the blog this month, where I’m talking about how marriage is supposed to make us better people. We’re supposed to grow. Yet too often Christian teaching has been taken the wrong way, to make it sound as if wanting things to get better or confronting your spouse on something that’s bugging you is somehow a sin.
In general, it really isn’t. And so today I want to get super practical and show you several examples of how to speak up when something’s bugging you.
I’m assuming here that people have goodwill towards each other.
When you got married, chances are you did so because you genuinely loved your fiance and wanted the best for him, and he genuinely loved you and wanted the best for you. If that’s not true in your case, it’s still important to speak up (unless to do so would risk harm; if so, you need to get to safety). We’ll talk next week about what to do if things still don’t change, and for those married to people with major character flaws, the advice today is unlikely to result in positive change. Most of us, however, are married to someone who does have goodwill, but who also may suffer from blind spots and laziness (as we all do), and who needs some support to fix those things
I’ve talked on the blog profusely about the importance of drawing boundaries and on asking for what you want, but sometimes people don’t understand what that looks like in real life. Here, then, are some practical examples!
They all follow a similar pattern. When you’re going to discuss something, the first thing to do is to ask for what you want. If that still doesn’t change, then you can become firmer and suggest some new ways of doing things. In general, the length of the conversation you’ll need to have is directly related to the amount of time that’s gone by. If it’s a new issue, it’s easy to have a quick conversation. If it’s a preference that has developed into a habit and has become engrained as a lifestyle, you’re going to need a lot more conversations over a longer period of time.
In general, then, it would look like this:
Starting the conversation early:
A few days in to marriage: “I don’t like this. Can this change?’
Conversation Part 2, several weeks later: “I’m worried this is a pattern that is developing in our marriage. How can we break this bad habit?”
Delaying the conversation for years:
You’ll need several different conversations likely, focusing on these themes: “I’m sorry that I haven’t spoken up and I’ve allowed resentment to build up about this without you knowing. However, I am not willing to allow this to continue, and things need to change. Here’s what I am going to do myself, and here’s what I propose we do together. What are your thoughts?”
Now, one qualification.
Often people think that they’ve discussed an issue repeatedly, because they frequently become so upset they’ve yelled at their spouse about it.
That’s quite common:
Keep things inside–grow resentful–blow up–calm down and return to the status quo.
Because you’ve blown up, you feel as if you’ve raised the issue. But things that are raised during fights are rarely changed. Yelling is not the same thing as drawing boundaries or having consequences or even stopping putting up with certain behaviour. It’s just releasing a pressure valve without changing anything. Yelling is also profoundly disrespectful, and so people often tune out whatever points are made in yelling.
Let’s look at some specific examples now. I’ll elaborate more on the first than the rest, so that you can see how this can play out, but you’ll see the patterns!
Problem: Husband leaves laundry all over the floor and makes no effort to put it in the hamper
First week after the honeymoon: “Hey, sweetie, would you mind putting your laundry in the hamper? Let’s keep our bedroom a welcoming room to come into!”
Often that’s all it takes. Just alert your spouse to the behaviour first thing in the marriage, and it will likely take care of itself. If it doesn’t:
Several months into marriage: “Hon, I have no problem doing laundry, but I’m only going to wash what’s in the hamper.”
Then just take the clothes that don’t make it to the hamper and kick them into a pile.
What happens if you don’t do this? Often several years have gone by, and the husband stops noticing that he’s even making a mess. His stuff gets cleaned up automatically, so he finds it easy to be lazy (see this hilarious “Magic Coffee Table” YouTube video on this; it does have a bit of swearing so I won’t embed it, but it gets the point across). This laziness likely extends to other areas of his life (and the house), and he likely doesn’t see how much his wife feels taken for granted.
After it’s become a big problem:
“Honey, we need to talk. First, I need to own my part of this problem. I’ve been really bothered by something for years, and I haven’t really spoken up about it. Sometimes I get so frustrated I just yell about everything, but I’ve never just sat down and had a real conversation about this. I’m sorry about that, because I’ve allowed resentment to grow. But I now want to deal with this. I feel as if you take me for granted. I am constantly cleaning up after you, and it feels as if you don’t treat me with respect. When you leave dirty underwear and socks everywhere, it signals to me, ‘Picking up this stuff is beneath me, so I’ll just let my wife do it and she can wash everything and put it away for me.’ That’s really bothering me. If we’re going to have a good marriage, I need to feel as if you respect me. And so here’s what I’m going to do from now on: I will gladly do the laundry, but I will no longer clean anything that isn’t put in the hamper first. I think that’s reasonable. Again, I wish I had spoken up earlier, but I’d like to move towards a relationship where we can share more freely. Are there things that I’m doing that have caused some resentment? Because I’d like to deal with that as well.”
Problem: Husband plays video games for hours at a time, ignoring his other responsibilities
Early Days: “Hon, you’ve been gaming for 4 hours and the trash people came and recycling didn’t go out this week. That’s not okay with me.”
Several weeks in: “Hon, this is becoming a real problem, and I know this isn’t what you want for your life or for our marriage. Let’s sit down and figure out what the appropriate boundaries around gaming should be.”
Examples might be: creating a list of chores and tasks that have to be done before the game comes on; time of day when you’ll game; what types of games you can play; etc. Rebecca and Connor, for instance, have a rule that no game that can’t be paused starts after 9:45 pm.
After it’s become a big problem:
Start with apologizing for not speaking up sooner, as above.
“This has become a completely untenable situation. It is inconsiderate for you to continue to choose gaming over appropriate adult responsibilities, and it needs to stop. I would like to sit down and create some rules for boundaries around gaming, because I know this isn’t how you want to spend your life, either. I recognize that since this has been going on for so long, it’s going to be hard to change, so let’s talk about how I can make it easier for you. Let’s work on this together–but we do need to do something, because we can’t go on like this.”
For more help in this area, please see:
My Husband Plays Video Games Too Much
When Your Husband Spends Too Much Time Playing Video Games
Problem: Wife leaves the kitchen–indeed the whole house–a mess, and the husband spends a lot of time cleaning up after everyone else
Early days: “Hey, hon, we share a space now, and I find it hard to live with this amount of mess. When you’re done in a room, can you tidy up before you leave that room?”
Several weeks in: “We obviously have a different idea of what our home should be like, but I’m finding it very difficult to live in this mess. Let’s talk about what our standards for housework should be, and set up a routine so that chores can be maintained.”
And then just talk about it and make some chore lists. It could be that he has a much higher standard than is practical, and he may have to compromise, too. But that’s where talking comes in!
Several years in:
Apologize for not speaking up earlier and own your part of the problem. Then say:
“I find living in the house the way it is discouraging and stressful. I think that we should each get free time in the marriage, and yet I am spending my free time cleaning up messes that you have made, and that needs to stop. I realize this would have been easier to address earlier, but what would make it easier now for you to clean up? Do we need to downsize? Get rid of stuff? Let’s sit down and figure out chore charts, routines, and what needs to change.”
You may also like:
When Mr. Clean Marries Mrs. Messy
Do You Have a Difficult Time Standing up to your Husband?
God wants us aiming for His will. That sometimes will mean that we need to confront our husbands when they’re doing something wrong.
Struggle with how to do that? Are boundaries a difficult concept for you? 9 Thoughts can help!
Take me to it!
Problem: Wife talks to her mother constantly, and confides in the mom more than the husband
(this one can go the other way around just as easily, but you’ll get the principle here)
Early days: “It hurts me when you tell your mom stuff before you tell me. It makes me feel that you’re not leaning on me for support, and that’s my job as your husband. It would mean a lot if you would make an effort to tell me important things first.”
Several weeks in: “I’ve been feeling more alienated from you because I feel as if you talk to your mom more than you talk to me. I don’t want to feel like I’m your second choice. Let’s put limits on the time of day that you will talk to your mom and preserve our couple time together.”
Several years in:
Apologize for not speaking up earlier and own your part of the problem. Then say:
“I’ve let this distance grow between us, and I regret that. We need to rebuild our marriage and feel connected again, and I’d like to look at ways we can do this. One thing that’s important to me is that we each feel as if the other is our main source of support. I feel as if you turn to your mom more than me, and to feel connected in our marriage, I need that to change. I would like to put limits on when you’ll talk to your mom, and carve out time just for us.”
Now, cutting spouses off from family members and friends can be a sign of controlling behaviour, and that’s not what we’re talking about here. We’re simply saying, let’s reserve a few hours of the night when we only talk to each other, and let’s make sure we prioritize the marriage relationship. If your spouse is cutting you off from family, this post on a controlling spouse is better for you.
Problem: Spouse spends too much money frivolously and won’t stick to a budget
Early days: “I notice there are some charges on the credit card that are really high, and I’m worried about our spending. I’d like to make a budget.”
Several weeks in: “I know that we come into marriage with different ideas about money, but I believe that being responsible means that we have a budget and that we have financial goals. Can we sit down tonight and make a budget and decide how much is reasonable to spend on ourselves?
Several years in:
Apologize for not speaking up earlier and own your part of the problem. Then say:
“I am feeling increasingly stressed because we are going so far into debt, and after a few years of marriage, we have nothing to show for all the work we’ve done. I can’t live with this level of stress anymore, and I want things to change. We need to make a budget and have our spending money be in cash, so that we don’t wrack up debt each month. If we’re going to continue to share finances, I need to know that we’re being good stewards, we have a plan, and we’re making progress.”
Note: this can be quite a serious problem, and we’ll talk more next week about what to do if this doesn’t change.
It’s much easier to speak up earlier than to let things fester.
(Click here to tweet this quote)
Problem: Husband doesn’t call to let wife know when he’s working late, and the wife often doesn’t know where he is
First days in: “Hey, I was worried about you when you came home so late. Please text or call me when you’re going to be late!”
Several weeks in: “I worry when I don’t know where you are, and I find it hard to plan dinner when I don’t know when you’ll be home. Can we talk about your work schedule and how we’ll prioritize our marriage with your schedule? And I don’t want to wait indefinitely for dinner, so I’ll be eating every night at 6:45, and I hope you’ll be home to join me.”
Several years in:
Apologize for not speaking up earlier and own your part of the problem. Then say:
“I am feeling increasingly like the last thing on your priority list when you don’t let me know where you are or when you’ll be home. It’s as if you expect us to wait for you for dinner, but you don’t have the courtesy to let us know when that will be. I can’t continue to live in limbo like this. I think we need to sit down and figure out how to arrange our schedules so that we prioritize our marriage and so that you have time with the kids. I’d like to make sure, too, that we all eat dinner together as a family at least 3 times a week. Let’s figure out what those days will be.”
You may also enjoy these posts on change in marriage:
Why Won’t My Husband Change?
When Your Husband Won’t Change Part 2: Is this the Last Straw?
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
What you’ll notice from all of these examples is that it’s much easier to speak up earlier than to let things fester.
The earlier you speak up, the easier it is to deal with a problem. When you don’t speak up, you implicitly give your approval to the behaviour you don’t like. That means that behaviour is far more likely to happen again. Not just that, but you set the thermostat to a new “normal” in your marriage. Your spouse will likely keep moving in that direction until they face resistance (as we talked about in the first post about iron sharpening iron, people don’t change direction until something happens to prompt that). It’s much easier to make a small issue about a small thing early in the marriage than it is to have that small thing become a big thing after a few years!
Speaking up doesn’t mean that you’re being disrespectful. On the contrary, it’s actually respectful of someone to expect behaviour that is good, reasonable, and healthy, and it’s respectful to share your concerns rather than letting yourself become bitter.
But what if you do this, and still nothing changes? We’ll talk about that next week in the conclusion to our series!
Do you find it difficult to speak up in your marriage? Let’s talk in the comments!
Other Posts in the Iron Sharpens Iron Series:
Our Iron Sharpens Iron Podcast!
Marriage Should Make You Better People!
Why It’s Not a Sin to Confront Your Spouse
How to Speak Up when Your Marriage Needs Changing (this one!)
What To Do When Your Spouse Won’t Change Bad Habits (January 27)
What are your thoughts? Let’s talk in the comments below!
Like this post so far? You should also check out:
How to Talk So Your Husband Will Hear
My Husband Doesn’t Understand Me
Author
Social Media
Sheila's Best Posts
Books
Courses
Freebie
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
January 17, 2020
I’m Passing the Torch on Love & Respect. 10 Ways You Can Pick it Up
This has been a huge week on the blog as we end our year-long look at Love & Respect.
And, as promised, today I want to share your comments and pass the torch to you all, so that you can continue the work.
I was so encouraged by how many comments came in this week, especially after the open letter to Focus on the Family about Love & Respect. I’m going to feature some of them here–but please know that if I don’t feature yours, it’s not that I didn’t appreciate it! I’m just pulling out different ones that show different things.
Boundaries work; unconditional respect and coddling does not.
Many, many women (and men!) told stories about how confronting their husband and standing firm is what actually changed their marriage, not showing “respect” in the way Eggerichs instructs. I love this, because it’s exactly how I opened the week with our Iron Sharpens Iron series: Confronting your spouse is not a sin! And as we continue that series in the next two weeks, we’ll get even more practical.
This comment sums up the whole week in three quick sentences:
“Respect” that enables sin is not actually respect at all!
Years of “respect” did not motivate my husband to seek help for pornography addiction.
Setting firm boundaries did.
And this one tells a very similar story:
I came to Christ later in life and was eager to do things the “right” way. I looked to resources such as “Love and Respect” to teach me how to be the perfect Christian wife. When I recoiled from messages about submission and silence I assumed it was my fleshly, sinful nature that needed subduing. I realize now it was the Holy Spirit in me that was recoiling from unbiblical teaching. Thank you for teaching me that I have the Holy Spirit in me just as much as any so-called Christian writer. My husband recently told me that if I hadn’t taken such a direct, assertive, take-no-prisoners approach to his drinking early in our marriage that he would most certainly have ended up unemployed, in jail, estranged from our children, etc. And I had always thought I had mishandled the situation because I hadn’t been more of a doormat. It turns out if I had followed Eggerich’s advice my husband would’ve been lost to alcoholism and our family would’ve been destroyed. Instead, my husband is now an amazing (and sober) husband and
So happy for her! Here’s another:
I read Love and Respect with my former fiancé when I was younger, and we were working through some issues. He was struggling with a serious mental illness, refusing treatment, and treating me more and more poorly as our engagement progressed. This book had the effect of gaslighting me so terribly – making both of us believe any issues we were having were primarily my fault for not respecting his decisions. Also, he began interpreting my disagreement about anything as disrespect as well, saying that I was challenging his biblical mandate to lead. Two weeks before the wedding I called it off – best and bravest decision I’ve ever made. Afterwards I went to counseling to work through what I would now consider spiritual abuse that resulted from this book, which weaponized my faith against me in the relationship, using the Bible to suggest I should continually submit to a man who was harming me. I’m now married to a wonderful man who has never treated me as less than his equal – who listens to me, respects my boundaries and believes I am also worthy of HIS respect. The best relationship decisions of my life required defying all of the messages I received from this book. I have no doubt that the marriage I was getting ready for based on the principles of this book would have crushed my very soul. So grateful that you are speaking up about the damaging messages it holds!
Love the people apologizing for recommending Love & Respect in the past
Here’s someone on Facebook, sharing my Open Letter:
Here’s another on the blog from Becky (and there were many more):
I publicly repent for my part in bringing a Love and Respect study to my former church 12 years ago, and I am so deeply sorry for the damage that may have caused to my friends. L&R definitely perpetuated destructive patterns in my marriage. Now that my husband and I are egalitarians — treating each other as equals — we are creating a healthy culture in our marriage.
Becky
My husband and I concur that L&R is not truly helpful and we have seen it be hurtful to multiple marriages. I cannot recommend it and have apologized to some who read it because of my suggestion. I don’t remember every person, so please consider this my public apology. Even if this book isn’t straight up hurtful (……..), there are so many truly balanced options out there that hearing his lop-sided opinions isn’t necessary. Also! Using one’s professional expertise and training in the negligence and harm of others makes one an accomplice! Psychotherapeutic malpractice, in this case.
Belinda
I want to lend my voice.
I publicly repent of recommending Love & Respect from the stage at marriage conferences when I hadn’t even read it (I believed the hype that it was good). I publicly repent of quoting Eggerichs in some of my posts and in my book without having read the whole book. It was irresponsible and wrong, and I am doing my best to make up for it now.
Speaking up about this actually BRINGS people to Christ.
I’d love to write more about this phenomenon soon, but I want people to truly get this: Millennials and Generation Z are fleeing the church in droves, and a lot of it is because of toxic teaching like Love & Respect. This comment was my favourite from the whole week. This is why I do what I do. Kristen, I’m glad you’re here!
I am a single twenty-something with a complicated relationship with the church. Though I do not profess to be a practicing Christian currently, there are times when I consider returning. However, I cannot abide toxic and/or legalistic teaching. And as for the view of marriage presented in Love & Respect? If that’s what a Christian marriage looks like, count me out.
Sheila, I know I’ve said this before, but your blog is one of the few remaining things in my life that keeps me remotely tethered to the faith of my upbringing. You and your crew give me hope that I might return to it one day.
Focus on the Family, you should be ashamed. If Eggerichs’ view of marriage is what you truly endorse, then let me tell you that it’s not a pretty picture, and it certainly does not show the ideal of Christian marriage in a good light. I’d rather be single for the rest of my life than to enter the kind of marriage that you endorse by continual promotion of Love & Respect. And I do NOT say that carelessly. If you wish to have any type of positive witness in contemporary society, you are doing it wrong!
Kristen
I’m Passing the Torch; Now it up to You to Speak up About Love & Respect
Sometimes it seems daunting. We know something HUGE is hurting people, but we’re small. We don’t have a big platform. What can we really do? And yet, I’m amazed at how God routinely uses the “foolish things of the world to shame the wise.” (1 Corinthians 1:27). That’s not say that we’re foolish–but in the eyes of the broader Christian machine, we’re small. We’re unimportant. And yet God is using us.
God used David to bring down Goliath. And God can use an army of men and women who are committed to Him and who refuse to listen to bad teaching to change the broader church’s direction on marriage. All you have to do is speak up where you are, and there will be a tipping point.
Here’s the comment I woke up to yesterday morning which made me happy for the whole day:
After sharing your post yesterday, I heard back from multiple pastors who agreed that this book is problematic. Some looked into it for the first time, but no one gave pushback defending it especially after reading the post. My current pastor decided against using it for our next marriage conference. That’s a win.
I also heard several stories from women (some who I hardly knew) who got peace yesterday that they weren’t the problem—as they were led to believe when their small group did this book. Love & Respect has left a trail of devastation in marriages. Your post helped bring healing.
Aspen
She simply shared and spoke up. Didn’t take very long. But it made a big impact–and healed some women’s hearts, too! Another woman wrote this on Facebook:
I have just shared this with a leader of a group I’m apart of that strongly recommends this book. Thank you for putting my feelings into words for me.
And then a few minutes later posted this:
I’m happy to report that she actually feels the same way and recently sent her thoughts to the pastoral leader of the group as well.
We’re making a difference! YOU can make a big impact, too, where you are, and it doesn’t take very long. And here’s how:
1. Leave a comment on the Open Letter to Focus on the Family
If you agree, and you haven’t commented yet, please do so, even if it’s just to say, “I agree and stand with Sheila.” The more comments that post has, the more credibility we have! (Can we get it to 1000 comments? That would be AMAZING!).
2. Speak out if you notice the book on a friend’s bookshelf.
Don’t be mean about it; ask them what they thought of the book. Then you can contribute some of your own thoughts–“I found that his take on respect was very problematic and could hurt people”; or “I found it very problematic that in his sex chapter, he said that sex is only about the husband’s physical release, and never once, in the whole book, mentions women’s sexual pleasure.” Then mention that it’s been found to be the most harmful book by Christian women, and offer to send her some articles about it.
3. Speak to your pastor/women’s group leader/church librarian if the church is hosting a Bible study or if the church carries the book.
Share any of my articles with them (the open letter to Focus on the Family is the most comprehensive), or you can share a letter i’ve prepared. I also have a summary page of issues with Love & Respect that you can share with people. The thing to keep stressing is how much the book enabled abuse. Let’s keep the focus on the harm that it has done, not on doctrinal differences.
God used David to bring down Goliath. And God can use an army of men and women who are committed to Him and who refuse to listen to bad teaching to change the broader church’s direction on marriage.
(Click here to tweet this quote)
4. Suggest other resources to study
Love & Respect is not the only marriage book out there–there are plenty that are better! Here are just a few that I would suggest that make awesome studies: How We Love by Milo and Kay Yerkovich; Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend; When to Walk Away by Gary Thomas; Love in Every Season by Deb Fileta. For women’s Bible studies, I also have 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage with videos for 6 week studies or 8 week studies, and they’re free! Find them here.
Instead of Mothers and Sons (Eggerichs’ new book on mothers respecting their sons), look at Rebecca’s book Why I Didn’t Rebel (which is far better), or, for younger children, check out Discipline That Connects with Your Child’s Heart from Connected Families.
5. Share the Open Letter wherever you can
Share the letter on your social media to alert other people to the problems with Love & Respect and with Focus on the Family. And if Eggerichs is speaking at your church or one near you, share the letter on your social media, or share it with local news media so that they know what is coming.
6. Leave a review of the book where appropriate
If you have read the book (don’t just take my word for it; it should be an honest review), then leave a review wherever you can and warn people what’s in it.
Are you PeaceKEEPING or PeaceMAKING?
There’s a huge difference between the two. And if you don’t get it right–you’ll never be able to feel truly intimate in your marriage.
There’s a better way!
Learn more!
7. Let Focus on the Family know how you feel.
Especially if you have been a donor in the past, or are reconsidering your donations now, send them a note. (Writing to them when you have never been a donor/listener isn’t as effective). If you receive emails from them promoting Love & Respect or Eggerichs’ new material, Mothers and Sons, reply and ask them why they have not responded to my letter (and include a link).
8. Apologize to any people that you may have encouraged to read Love & Respect
Like the apologies I noted above, this can go a long way. Check back in with any who were in a Bible study you led, or any you gave the book to. Make sure they’re okay. And share the open letter with them so that they recognize the problems. Apologies give others permission to question what they’ve read as well. This whole big series and big year has been me trying to apologize and make amends for recommending it in the past without doing due diligence.
9. Dispose of the book wisely.
Don’t donate the book where others may get a hold of it. Cut up the pages and put it in recycling (we can do that here in Canada), or cut it up and put it in the garbage (or use it in a campfire).
10. Continue the work critiquing Love & Respect
We have not yet taken a look at the Mothers and Sons curriculum (I’m kind of scared to, actually; I’m afraid it will send me in another major funk), but it’s being promoted VERY heavily by Focus on the Family right now. (If you have it, I’ll pay you for it and pay for postage if you want to get rid of it! I just don’t want to buy it myself. So let me know!). But if you have it, and you’d like to write a review of it, I’d be happy to link to it.
There are also some studies that would be worth doing with Love & Respect to get some more data. For instance:
In the parts of the book where it’s addressed to BOTH the wife and husband, how many paragraphs does he spend telling the wife how to shape up vs. the husband?
If you have the DVD series, how many minutes does he spend explaining what the wife is doing wrong vs. what the husband is doing wrong?
In the book, list all of the things that the wife does which he considers disrespectful, and then group them. For instance, it seems to me that he consistently labels her simply expressing her opinion or her feelings as being disrespectful. It would be great to have a list of all of the things that he labels disrespectful. Again, then I could put it up on the summary page about Love & Respect so it’s all in one place.
Some of these would make an awesome thesis for someone in seminary, too!
I just don’t have time to do these things, because I’m working on writing my own book. But if others wanted to take over the work, I’d be happy to serve as a repository for it. If this seems like overkill, remember: this is the second best-selling Christian marriage book of the last 15 years. It is the most commonly studied book for marriage Bible studies. If we are going to reach a tipping point where people will recognize how toxic this is, we need to be as thorough as possible.
So I hand the torch to you, and I’m excited to see what God will do with an army of people wanting to see Jesus put first in marriages once again!
See what else we’ve written on Love and Respect:
How Love & Respect Gets Sex Horribly Wrong
Why Unconditional Respect Doesn’t Work
The Fundamental Flaw in the Book Love & Respect
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
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January 16, 2020
PODCAST: Our Love & Respect Wrap Up
It’s one year this week since I ran my huge Love & Respect series.
I’ve written about how Love & Respect treats sex horribly and harms marriages off and on throughout this last year, since the original week-long series ran.
And now, on this one year anniversary, I’ve been tying up some loose ends, including dropping my 5500 word open letter to Focus on the Family questioning their support of Love & Respect, as we cap off our discussion.
I’ll have links below, but listen in to the podcast where Rebecca shares about an interaction with the Love and Respect crew, and later my husband Keith joins me to share what he learned wading through our survey responses about Love & Respect. Both got pretty fired up and passionate, and they have things they really want you to hear.
So listen in!
Browse all the Different Podcasts
See the Last “Start Your Engines” (Men’s) Podcast
No, Confronting Your Husband Does Not Mean You’re Showing Contempt
In our main segment, my daughter Rebecca shares the saga of an email thread she started with Love & Respect.
She reads excerpts of the emails on the show:
Read the whole email thread here.
This week, on the blog, we’ve been continuing our Iron Sharpens Iron series, talking about how confronting your spouse when they’re doing something wrong is not a sin. Books like Love & Respect treat it as “disrespectful” (and thus sinful) if a woman were to confront her husband, as this email thread shows.
For context, here are the other posts that we’ve written on Love & Respect:
See what else we’ve written on Love and Respect:
How Love & Respect Gets Sex Horribly Wrong
Why Unconditional Respect Doesn’t Work
The Fundamental Flaw in the Book Love & Respect
Love & Respect was the #1 most harmful resource mentioned in our survey of 22,000 women.
We recently closed our Bare Marriage survey, after 22,000 women responded. We asked some open ended questions, including “are there any books/resources that are proven harmful to your marriage?”
Love & Respect was the most frequently cited resource that harmed marriages, with 13% of women who answered that question mentioning Love & Respect. For every 10 women who said it helped them, 15 women said it harmed them.
We originally had the computer generate the results, but Keith volunteered to be the human eyeballs that actually read all of the comments, to make sure that the computer classified the responses correctly.
He wanted to come on the podcast to talk about what he read. Specifically, he was very upset about how much the book enabled abuse.
Please listen–Keith and Rebecca were both very passionate in this podcast, and they share things that need to be said.
In this segment, I also referenced these posts:
It’s Not Okay if Christian Books Harm People
My Open Letter to Focus on the Family Regarding its Support of Love & Respect
The Podcast in which Keith and I show how Emerson Eggerichs Gaslights women whose husbands are treating them badly
Video clips from Emerson Eggerichs’ sermon series where he uses emotional abuse as the butt of jokes
Where do we go from here with regards to Love & Respect?
I feel as if I have said everything I can. I keep thinking I’m done, though, and then somebody sends me something else to comment on that’s so egregious I have to say something (like that sermon series or that terrible blog post we talked about in the gaslighting podcast). But I truly hope that I’m done. I saved these last few things to talk about this week as we mark the one-year anniversary of our series in January 2019.
So I have said it all; I have called out those who support Love & Respect; I am shaking the dust off of my feet.
And now I am passing the torch.
It is now up to all of you. If all of you speak up and send these posts to your church librarian and ask them to remove Love & Respect; if you comment when you see it on a friend’s bookshelf; if you speak up when your church is using it as a Bible study; if you let Focus on the Family know you won’t support them if they support this–we will make a difference. And not just that–you may just save a woman’s broken spirit; a woman you may not even know, but who may be being beaten down by this book right now in your church.
We’ve created a summary page for all of the resources on Love & Respect, and you can share that with people (and there’s also a sample letter that’s linked there that you can use as you see fit).
And tomorrow as we end the week I’ll be sharing some of your comments.
Thank you for listening. May God take this even further!
Rebecca’s Final Thoughts on Love & Respect
Rebecca wrote this synopsis of her thoughts after this last tumultuous year, and I think they’re a fitting end to our contribution on the book (though tomorrow we’ll be officially ending as I share some of YOUR comments from this week). She said:
My takeaways with engaging with the Love and Respect blog are as follows:
They inherently misunderstand intent and action. Because Emerson’s intentions are good, his actions must be good. This is simply factually wrong.
To Love and Respect, abused women are an inconvenience to be ignored, not treasured sisters of Christ to be comforted. There was not a single “I am so sorry for the pain that those women are experiencing” or “I apologize for any way they feel that our materials harmed them or their marriages.” Not once was their pain acknowledged except to blame them for remaining in abusive marriages (and completely ignoring the fact that many of them name teachings in Eggerichs’ book as one of the reasons they stayed for longer than they should have). Not even after I gave them chance to make a public statement did they come back with compassion.
Love and Respect conflates Eggerichs’ take on scripture with the Word of God itself. None of us is infallible, and this conflation means that it is impossible for Eggerichs to ever actually recant what he has said. Much like a cult leader, his ideas are worshipped as Scripture and questioning Emerson means you are questioning God.
At the end of this all I was emotionally exhausted (granted, I was 38 weeks pregnant while this was happening). It is depressing and discouraging to see people who claim Christ act with such blatant disregard for their fellow human beings in favour of ideology and rules.
And so I am left with these conflicting feelings of intense isolation when I think of the fact that so many large Christian outlets have hardened their hearts against the stories of those abused in favour of one charismatic man with toxic teachings. But at the same time I feel closer to God than ever before. I find that when there are harmful things and people around you, telling you mixed messages about who God is, sorting out the wheat from the chaff is exhausting but leaves you with a much more clear picture of Christ and what it truly means to follow him.
I’m not saying I have everything right. But I can rest easy knowing that I am doing my best to stand up for those who have been mistreated and abandoned. And I hope God convicts those who lack the compassion to see that “they tie up heavy, cumbersome loads and put them on other people’s shoulders, but they themselves are not willing to lift a finger to move them.” (Matt 23:4).
Rebecca Lindenbach
Author, Why I Didn't Rebel
Join us tomorrow as we share YOUR comments about Christian resources that harm, Love & Respect, Focus on the Family, and more! And if you have something big you’d like to say, please leave a comment here!
January 15, 2020
An Open Letter to Focus on the Family about Love & Respect and Emerson Eggerichs
Focus on the Family initially had its logo on the book Love & Respect, and heavily markets it through their website and emails, often giving it as a freebie to people who donate.
As I have talked about at length on this blog, I have grave concerns about the book. After writing my initial series on Love & Respect last year, we created a report of women’s testimonies of the harm that was done by the book, and we sent that along to Focus on the Family.
We did not hear from them, although they did answer other readers who wrote in. After I sent several emails about this, they did finally respond.
(You can view that email thread here; it shows the context of what comes below).
In response, I wrote the letter that appears below, which I intended to be my last ditch effort to share my grave concerns about Love & Respect. I have now said it all. I wanted to encapsulate all of it in one place, and so I would like to share that letter with you today as we cap off this discussion.
For context, at the time the letter was written, the Caring Well conference, covering how to handle sexual abuse in the Southern Baptist Convention, had just ended and was front page news on Christianity Today. I reference some statements from that conference in this letter. This letter was originally addressed to Jim Daly and his assistant, Rebecca Marshall. (It was Ms. Marshall who replied to my emails on Mr. Daly’s behalf.)
I have edited the letter slightly. I have taken out some personal information, and added more to incorporate the video footage from the sermon series at Houston First Baptist, and the results from the survey we recently conducted with 22,000 respondents.
On this, the one year anniversary of the week that our Love and Respect series first ran, I want to post it as the culmination of our discussions. My prayer is that people who work for Focus on the Family, and others who are promoting this book, will listen. Thank you for your patience and support as I’ve tried to bring these issues to light.
As I have wrestled through these issues, I remember Jesus’ words:
John 8:36
“If the Son sets you free, you are free indeed.”
Luke 4:18-19
“The Spirit of the Lord is on me,
because he has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners
and recovery of sight for the blind,
to set the oppressed free,
to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.”
He came to set people free. Please, may 2020 be the year of the Lord’s favor, when women are set free from this bondage; when couples are free to be truly intimate and truly serve Jesus together.
Dear Jim and Rebecca:
Thank you for your letter. I know this is a difficult situation to navigate, and I appreciate you taking the time to respond to my email.
I would like now to comment on your response and shed some more light onto the problems with Love & Respect and your stance regarding the book. I realize that this will be a long email. I apologize for that, but there is much to be said, and this is important.
This email will cover:
Focusing on the author’s intent rather than the author’s published words
Framing things as a doctrinal issue rather than addressing the harm that has been brought to your attention
The contradiction between your embrace of the book’s core message and the message you give to readers writing in and to those listening to your radio program
10 problematic things that Love & Respect states and that you apparently condone
Examples of Eggerichs’ attitudes towards women who are describing marriage problems
How to proceed from here
Intent vs. Results
To begin, an important point of clarification must be made. You said in your email that my interpretations of the author’s intent do not match your own. However, I am not commenting on his intent. I do not know Emerson Eggerichs; I have not attended his seminars or seen his DVDs.
(Note: I have since watched his sermon series from Houston First Baptist).
I am commenting only on his book. The public does not have access to his intent, and most have not seen his seminars or his DVDs either. They only have his words written in Love & Respect–the book that you are promoting and to which I am referring. If his intent differs from what is in his book, then he should withdraw or modify the book. The fact that he has not indicates that he stands behind it, and it is legitimate to critique it. Thus, I believe his intent is irrelevant. What matters is his book and the teachings that it contains, and it is that which I wish to address.
Doctrine vs. People
You have framed my issues with the book Love & Respect as a doctrinal disagreement. However, doctrine is not the primary problem I have been raising in my emails. What I have been talking about, again and again, through my emails and my report, is that real harm is being done to real people with this book. I would hope that preventing the abuse and mistreatment of women is something that all can agree on, regardless of doctrine.
I have asked you, again and again, to take heed of the stories of abuse that have escalated when people read Love & Respect. As Beth Moore said last week at the SBC Caring Well conference, hyper-complementarianism is often used to promote and justify abuse, and is heavily implicated in abuse. The fact that you would repeatedly disregard the harm that I have brought to your attention, and that your team would disregard the harm that my readers have repeatedly raised, and that you would instead frame it simply as a doctrinal issue, is highly concerning.
To paraphrase Diane Langberg from the Caring Well conference, “Jesus was not crucified for our doctrines. They are not eternal. We are.”
Or, to put it another way, a person is not a doctrinal disagreement.
Here are just two stories of real people that I pulled out of the report that we sent you:
Years ago, when in the throes of my husband’s sexual addiction, which had starting progressing beyond porn, a marriage mentor at our former church made it all about respecting him. She told me I was fully responsible for making him feel 100% respected and like a man. Over the next year, our marriage mentor asked at every meeting if he felt more respected and if I felt more loved than the previous week. He happily reported each week that he was feeling more and more respected, while I was becoming severely depressed each week as I was feeling less and less loved. He was reaping the benefits of “unconditional respect,” while still fulfilling his sexual needs outside of our marriage, ignoring and neglecting my sexual needs, emotional needs, etc., and being verbally and emotionally abusive to me. Practicing unconditional respect, especially while my husband blatantly showed no desire to behave respectably, nearly killed me. I became near suicidal from depression. Fortunately we’ve gotten away from that person, and that church, we have found good counselors and recovery groups, and he and I are both much better today.
If you had asked me at the time of reading Love and Respect what I thought of it, I’m sure I would have said positive things. Those were the days-excuse me, YEARS of trying to fix my rotten marriage by myself. My husband and I are still together after 21 years of marriage but only after he filed for divorce, I moved out and finally understood and then faced the hard truths of what a mess our marriage was. My part being that I could/should hang in there and keep trying selflessly no matter what. I stopped going to church because of not wanting to be around that type of teaching anymore. Still love Jesus of course. I had read every marriage book that I could get my hands on. I’m free from that now, thank God. It’s terrible to live through emotionally abusive crap for 19 years and with every turn and all advice being to fix myself. Ugh. Much better since I learned to be me without the brainwashing. No longer do I believe so many unhealthy teachings. Never will I go back to works based sacrificing my life only to promote more selfishness in my husband. I’m finally free and back with my husband and he has become better since I changed my wrong beliefs and ways of handling marriage.
I have just finished a massive, comprehensive survey of more than 22,000 Christian women, asking over 150 questions about their marital and sexual satisfaction. In that survey, I left open-ended questions where people could name resources that helped their marriages and those which harmed their marriages. I did not list any resources; people volunteered them on their own.
Love & Respect was the most frequently mentioned resource that harmed marriages. For every 10 women who said Love & Respect helped their marriage, 15 volunteered that it harmed them. Two women even reported that the book nearly killed them–one said, “without exaggeration” and one “almost literally”. This book has hurt people, and that matters, because they matter.
The Inconsistency of Your Message
In the original emails sent on behalf of Focus on the Family by Tammy Masters to those who raised concerns about Love & Respect, it was implied that Focus on the Family did not recommend Love & Respect for “troubled or destructive marriages”. However, in your recent email to me, you seem to be contradicting that position, now saying that you stand behind the book’s core message and believe that it helps marriages. You are giving one message to listeners, and another one to me. I assume this is because you have since clarified your response. I would respectfully ask, then, that you craft a different email for readers who write in from now on, embracing the book as you have done with me, so that you do not mislead them and they can judge accordingly.
I must infer from what you have said, as well, that you believe that the book is helpful for troubled or destructive marriages.
I would thus like to draw your attention to how Love & Respect recommends handling a situation in a troubled marriage. The book directs wives who need to confront a husband in sin to a story in the Appendix, where Eggerichs gives lengthy advice on how a wife can influence a workaholic in a respectful, godly way:
To influence him directly, respectfully say, “Your son (daughter, children) needs you at home more. You have a unique influence on him. In certain areas, nobody matters to him as much as you do. It may not appear that way to you, but your positive presence has the power to mold him. I know you are swamped and have little time, but I also know that you want to give him that part of you that no one else can give to him. Thanks.”
After delivering your “we need you at home more” message, don’t repeat it for anywhere from ten to twenty days. Then mention it again, quietly and positively with the general tone of “just a positive reminder because of your importance”….
Quietness shouts loudly.
So Emerson Eggerichs’ instructions on how a woman can deal with a husband’s sin or destructive behaviour is to say 2-3 sentences once, and then be quiet for 10-20 days. I should note that this does not line up with Jesus’ instructions in Matthew 18:15-17.
On pages 274-275 of the book, Eggerichs gives his philosophy of what unconditional love and respect look like with the reward cycle:
“To the world, it may make no sense for a wife to put on respect toward a husband who is harsh and unloving. It makes no sense for a husband to put on love toward a contemptuous, disrespectful woman. But it makes sense to God. These seemingly fruitless efforts matter to God because this is the kind of service he rewards. What is wisdom to God is foolishness to the world (see 1 Corinthians 3:19). One way I like to picture this is that there is a cha-ching! effect in heaven when believers do things the world might call stupid. It’s as though a billion angels are holding a gigantic handle. Each time you do something loving or respectful toward your spouse, the angels pull down on that handle. A secret treasure dumps into a colossal golden bowl and cha-ching! The lead angel exclaims, “He did it again! He put on love toward that disdainful woman!” … “She did it again! She put on respect toward that pathetic man! Okay, everyone, hit it again! Cha-ching!”
Emerson Eggerichs
Love & Respect, Pages 274-275
He is telling a woman married to a harsh and unloving man (a classic description of an abusive husband) that she must respect him (do the things included in the acronym CHAIRS), and when she does, a billion angels celebrate. Even if others warn her that this advice is “stupid”, and even if she instinctively realizes this will only make the situation worse (as it did not for the two women’s stories mentioned above, and for many of my survey respondents), she must disregard that feeling. Rather than confront her husband in his sin, she is to endure his harsh and unloving behaviour (his abuse) as service to God.
This, quite frankly, is terrible and dangerous advice, and goes against the plurality of published marriage advice about enabling bad behaviour and growing intimacy. It also goes directly against the Southern Baptist Convention’s new resolutions about caring well for those in abusive marriages.
More importantly for this conversation, though, it contradicts many, many other authors that you have featured on your radio show. Henry Cloud and John Townsend, for instance, say that this type of advice is bunk. In their books about boundaries, they show how “respect” of the kind Eggerichs instructs is both untenable and unbiblical, and then they instruct people to stop interrupting the Law of Sowing and Reaping so as to allow the offender to bear the consequences for his misdeeds. At the end of the book Boundaries in Marriage, Cloud and Townsend also directly address the theology that is used in Love & Respect and show why this view of submission, which states that a woman must bear with sinful and harsh behaviour, is wrong.
You also feature Leslie Vernick, who explicitly teaches that saying very little to the spouse and expecting change will do nothing but enable the problem to continue. Gary Thomas has also stated that enabling bad behaviour is wrong: if you love someone, you wouldn’t want them to continue in sin. Thus, he argues, it is incumbent upon a wife to do something about that bad behaviour. In his book Lifelong Love, for instance, he talks about a wife throwing out her husband’s porn stash as an act of love. He, too, believes in boundaries, as his recent book When to Walk Away shows. And there are many more guests of yours that I could name (including myself) who have given the healthy message of how to confront a spouse doing something wrong.
You routinely feature guests who teach that the passive female behaviour advocated by Eggerichs isn’t just ineffective; it’s dangerous and can do harm. But then, incongruously, you also say that you stand behind Eggerichs’ core message.
By featuring guests like Vernick, Cloud, Townsend, Thomas, even myself, you prime your audience to think, “Focus on the Family is a safe place. They give advice which actually works.” But then you turn around and heavily promote Love & Respect, which teaches the opposite. Essentially, you’re doing a bait & switch.
You make people think that Focus on the Family is a safe resource by featuring healthy perspectives on your show, but then you market Love & Respect to those same listeners, or offer the book as an incentive for donations. You give your seal of approval to Love & Respect–a seal of approval that you earned through featuring teaching diametrically opposed to Love & Respect.
Examples of What You Are Affiliating with By Endorsing Love & Respect
By endorsing this book, you are implicitly endorsing all of the following views found in Love & Respect.
1. A man has desperate needs; a woman only has desires.
Please note that in the title itself, respect is something that a man “desperately needs”, while love is merely something she “most desires”. From the very start, Eggerichs is framing the man’s needs as being more important than the woman’s.
2. Sex is only for a husband’s physical release.
Love & Respect repeatedly says sex is for a husband’s physical release (p. 250). Eggerichs never gives in his book any other reason for sex–not intimacy; not growing the relationship; not feeling close. It is only about the husband having an orgasm.
3. Women’s sexual pleasure is so unimportant it’s not even worth mentioning.
In the book, he never once talks about how sex should feel good for the woman, too. In fact, he explicitly says that sex doesn’t take very long, so why wouldn’t she do it (p. 252–“Why would you deprive him of something that takes such a short amount of time and makes him sooooo happy!?”)? By endorsing this book, you are saying that you think it’s healthy to write a whole chapter in a marriage book about how a husband needs sex, but never once mention that a woman should feel pleasure as well, or that the husband has any obligation to ensure she does so. You think it’s okay to treat her sexuality as an afterthought, if that.
4. If a physically abusive husband “repents”, he should be allowed back in the house, and it’s now the wife’s job to not react to his anger.
You agree that it’s okay to frame a physically abusive spouse as only needing to “repent” to be let back into the home (p. 278), without a warning about the prevalence of the “love bombing” phenomenon–whereby a husband says all the right things to be allowed to return, but then becomes even more abusive afterwards. You agree that it’s safe and healthy to not warn women that true repentance must be accompanied by the fruits of repentance, and that these fruits must be demonstrated over a long period of time. And you agree that it’s wise counsel to then portray the problems in this relationship as resting on her shoulders, because she must now learn not to react to her abusive spouse’s anger, since to do so is disrespectful.
5. If a man is “drinking or straying”, he should be shown respect, rather than boundaries
You endorse the belief that the cure for any problem in a marriage is for the wife to respect her husband, no matter what he is doing. A man who is committing adultery or who is drinking heavily still needs to be respected (p. 88). And what does the word “respect” mean? On page 68, Eggerichs says that respect our husband in the way we respect a boss. He then elaborates using the CHAIRS acronym. So a wife to a husband who is drinking or straying must still treat him as her boss and presumably abide by all of the CHAIRS elements, including having sex with him; allowing him to make all the decisions; respecting his authority, and so on. You apparently have no problem with this advice being given to a woman married to an adulterous or alcoholic man.
6. If a woman is upset that a man leaves wet towels on the bed, it’s okay if the husband then denies the wife love–and it’s okay if he teaches his sons to ignore their mother’s correction, too.
In one of the worst anecdotes that my readers have repeatedly commented on, Emerson Eggerichs recounts how he leaves wet towels on the bed (among other things), and his wife Sarah would become upset about him for this (pages 242-243). She would ask her husband and her sons to stop doing this, but they did not listen. When she returned after being away for a week, Eggerichs told her that he didn’t miss her, and that he and the boys enjoyed being without her. Thus, by his own definition, he denied her love because she was asking him to not leave wet towels on the bed.
Let’s note, please, that it takes no more effort to put a wet towel on the floor (and only marginally more to hang it up) than to put it on the bed. By putting it on the bed, he is making more work for his wife, who will have to rescue that towel before it necessitates all the bedding being changed or causes the comforter/bedspread to grow mildewy over time. The immaturity in this anecdote is quite astounding, especially as he used it to illustrate how it was Sarah who was being disrespectful, completely ignoring the disrespectful way he was treating her, not least by standing with the boys against their mother. Demanding your wife respect you should not give a man permission to act like a petulant child, or to undermine the authority a mother has over her sons.
The resolution to this issue was that Emerson could continue to leave wet towels on the bed, and Sarah stopped asking him not to.
By endorsing this book, you are comfortable blaming a wife if she does not cater to her husband’s immaturity and selfishness.
7. Women are more easily deceived, and thus should not listen to their intuition, or the still, small voice in them.
Women can’t trust the messages they hear or believe, because they are so easily deceived (p. 230). Thus, they should trust the husband’s intuition, and not their own. When a woman believes something, she should disregard her opinion in favour of her husband’s perspective, in direct violation of 1 Timothy 2:5; Matthew 6:33; Acts 5:29; the events in Acts 5:1-11; and the events in 1 Samuel 25. It should be noted, as well, that Emerson Eggerichs makes this point by distorting Scripture. He says that Eve was deceived and then took the fruit to Adam (p. 230); Scripture, on the other hand, says that Adam was standing right there with her (Genesis 3:6).
You feel that this description of women is fair and correct, and do not take issue with the misuse of Scripture to support it.
8. A husband can criticize what he does not like about his wife, such as her weight gain, but she must not bring up what she doesn’t like about him–even if her concerns involve sin issues like porn use.
In chapter 19, Eggerichs gives this example of a wife being disrespectful:
For example, on occasion a husband may venture into that dangerous territory known as “Honey, you’re putting on a few pounds.” In truth, it is far more than a few pounds – his wife has let herself go, and he feels it is time to be honest. What he usually gets in return is, “You should love me no matter how I look.” Or he may be told he knows nothing about her eating disorder and that he should be checking on his own potbelly. If the husband is on the trim side (as many men with very overweight wives often are), she will bring up some other log that he needs to get out of his own eye – that time she caught him viewing internet pornography or overindulging in alcohol…The point is, it’s easy for a wife to discount or disparage a husband’s suggestion that she has some problem that needs correcting.”
In this anecdote, the husband is presented as being in the right for wanting his wife to lose weight, and the wife is in the wrong if she brings up his use of pornography (something heavily linked to a husband’s rejection of his wife’s body) or alcohol use.
While it can be debated that one should accept criticism without deflecting blame, the fact that Eggerichs mentions porn use in passing, but then treats it as unimportant, is alarming. If a wife catches a husband using porn, it is generally not a one-time slip-up. Considering that porn is a factor in over 50% of Christian marriages by some stats, it is incumbent on all marriage authors to treat this seriously. He uses this anecdote to show how a wife may need correcting for losing weight, but never mentions how a wife may correct a husband for using porn (except presumably to use the strategy in the appendix, where you may say 2-3 sentences once, but then must stay silent for 10-20 days).
You thus agree with Love & Respect that a husband’s criticism of the wife’s appearance is more important than a wife’s concern over her husband’s porn use.
9. Since women have body image issues that they expect their husbands to understand, then women should understand that husbands will naturally struggle with lust and be tempted towards affairs. To become upset at this is disrespectful.
You agree with Eggerichs that a wife struggling with body image issues is the equivalent to a husband struggling with lust (p. 256). You think it’s reasonable that if a wife wants to be able to talk to her husband about her body image issues, then she must have empathy when he admits that he struggles with picturing other women naked or imagining doing sexual things with them. You think it’s reasonable to expect a wife to listen to a husband explain how he struggles with wanting other women sexually, and that this struggle should not have any more emotional weight on the wife than her struggle with body image has on the husband.
10. If a husband has an affair, the wife is at least partly to blame because she isn’t having enough sex (p. 252-255)
This seems to be a theme in several books Focus on the Family promotes and publishes: If a husband has an affair, figure out the role the wife must have played (for instance, your recent release, How God Used the Other Woman, is based on the author asking herself, “what role did I play in this?”). You seem quite comfortable laying part of the blame for affairs at the innocent spouse’s feet. On your broadcast on November 5, you also stated that the reason that men often turn to porn is because women don’t have sex, ignoring the research on how porn use before marriage affects marriage. This seems to be a perspective that Eggerichs endorses that you also are comfortable spreading, though I must suggest that this is highly problematic and unscriptural.
These are only ten things that I pulled out very quickly from Love & Respect. There are many, many more, and I confined myself to ten for the sake of the length of this email, not because these are the only problematic elements of the book.
If you do not agree with any of these ten, then you should be issuing disclaimers and warnings every time you talk about the book. You do this frequently whenever you have single-parent guests on your show, so it should be no problem to do it with Love & Respect. The fact that you do not issue disclaimers gives your implicit endorsement to these 10 things.
Thus, I ask you to consider two questions:
Where, in any of these 10 things, do you see Jesus?
What do you think your listeners would think about these 10 things? What do you think people outside the church, whom you are trying to reach, would think? If your average person recognizes that these are horrendous, why do you continue to support them?
Examples of Eggerichs’ Dismissal of Women’s Negative Experiences with Love & Respect
We are not the first to raise the issue that the core message of Love & Respect–that message which you say that you support–leads to harm. Eggerichs himself has admitted it multiple times, including in the book itself and on his blog.
1. In Love & Respect, Eggerichs admits that a woman’s husband used the respect message to rage at her.
Before Eggerichs even wrote the book he had women saying, “when you give this message, the men take it to mean that they can treat us horribly.” That should have given him a warning that his message had serious flaws, but he did not heed that warning.
“Now whenever he senses anything that smacks of disrespect, even when it isn’t, it reminds him of our pasts and he gets infuriated. I haven’t seen such rage in awhile… Actually, I regret letting him know what I had learned from you because he used it against me each time… I can take on the criticism – I feel I deserve it – but his rage is withering and makes me want to get away and hide.” (p. 282-283).
2. In this blog post, Eggerichs blames a marital breakdown on a woman’s lack of respect, though he shows the husband pulling away first.
He discusses how people often go to Love & Respect conferences and feel great in their marriages for a few weeks, but then end up divorced anyway. In explaining why this happens, he puts the blame entirely on the woman.
“[H]e doesn’t [keep showing love], she returns to reacting without respect! Then…he reacts without love…she needs to return to what she did at first: putting on respect in the face of un-love.”
So, to sum up:
She shows him respect.
He shows her love.
He stops showing her love, even as she continues showing him respect.
She stops showing him respect, as a result of his unlove.
And who is to blame for this? Her, of course!
Eggerichs lays the blame for the crazy cycle on the wife, despite the fact that the husband erred first. Somehow, according to Eggerichs, the wife’s response to the husband’s behaviour caused the behaviour that she was responding to. I don’t know how he squares that circle.
3. Eggerichs posts an email showing how the Love & Respect Bible study caused the men to become condescending towards their wives–and then blames the wives.
In his post “Not Wrong: Just Different But Valuable”, he quotes a woman reporting this:
“For the most part the men in our small group are not “getting” that their wives have insight also. There being a scriptural command to respect and value men does not give license for them to disregard what their wives think. If there is one weakness in the material, we are finding it is the omission of the value of a woman’s insight; not as the leader but as an integral part of information gathered for the decision-making. . . . While this is not a problem in our own marriage, it seems to be a major one for the other couples. Listening to the material seems to have swung the pendulum the other direction so far. How to love your wife is being translated into a condescending attitude.”
This woman is explaining how she and her husband had hosted a small group DVD study, and the wives complained that their husbands had become condescending and treated them worse since working through the material.
I will summarize Eggerichs’ reply:
No man has any reason to ignore or dismiss a godly wife. It’s in his best interests to listen to her.
Thus, if a man is ignoring his wife or being condescending, it must be because she is not acting in a godly way.
He then quotes four verses in Proverbs about the problems of nagging wives.
Later in the email, he instructs her to think about what 1 Peter 3:1-2, insinuating that she should be silent and stop complaining.
This is classic gaslighting. A woman writes in saying, “the men are treating the women horribly,” And he replies, “No, they’re actually not. The problem must be with you, and you should be quiet.” And then he weaponizes Scripture against her, using it in a horribly irresponsible and illegitimate way. My husband and I recorded a podcast going over this answer, because it was so egregious.
How does this reply show any respect to women? Do you think it’s appropriate to quote verses about nagging wives to a woman saying that the men are treating their wives in a condescending way? Do you want Focus on the Family to be affiliated with this? I challenge you to read that blog post and show me any way in which Eggerichs does not completely dismiss women’s experiences and tell women that they are responsible for their husbands’ ill-treatment of them. I will assume, by your refusal to distance yourself from this book, that you endorse this message and think this is a fair way to counsel women with legitimate concerns.
4. At Houston First Baptist, Emerson Eggerichs mocked those who are concerned that his teachings can lead to emotional abuse, and claimed that all men are accused of abuse when really they’re just being honorable.
Despite the fact that, statistically speaking, hundreds of women in this audience will be suffering from domestic abuse and emotional abuse, and at least 50 will be married to narcissists, Eggerichs used those worrying about enabling abuse as the butt of condescension and derision. He went on to explain that men are often accused of being abusive when really they are being honorable. Anyone sitting in the congregation will hear the message: If I think my husband is abusive, I’m wrong. The problem is with me. My husband is actually a godly man, and I’m blaming him because I’m the one in the wrong. Again, this is a dangerous, and even evil, message to give. I will let the videos speak for themselves:
Where We Go From Here
In light of all that I have shared, I hope you understand that this is not something where I think we can “agree to disagree”. When real people are being harmed in the Christian community, it is incumbent upon us to stop that harm. That is your job. That is your calling.
You are refusing to do it, and so others will have to take up the reins. You have consistently refused to distance yourself from this, and so others of us will have to speak even more loudly.
That is a tragedy for the Christian church. I implore you to watch the speeches from the SBC Caring Well conference, and heed their warnings. Ignoring abuse not only allows it to continue, but always, always, always ends up coming back on the organizations who disregarded warnings.
I’m afraid it will do the same to you here. In that same survey where Love & Respect was the most commonly mentioned hurtful resource, many also called out Focus on the Family as being harmful (and you were the fifth most mentioned harmful resource). For every eighteen people who said that you helped them, another 10 said that you hurt them. By not distancing yourself from harmful teaching, you are hurting your listeners.
I also want to speak directly to your staff who will also be reading this letter.
Dear people: I know that you signed on to Focus on the Family to help marriages. I know that so many who work at Focus love Jesus and want to bring His love to families and individuals. And I know that many of you reading this are dismayed, too. You know this is not right. So I urge you to speak up. You did not go to work for Focus on the Family to unintentionally enable abuse. I pray that you will be courageous. God did not give you a Spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
Now, to Jim and others in the President’s Office: If your stance has not changed, even after reading all of this, there is no need to craft a reply. It is enough, for me, to know that you have read this and, despite all the evidence of harm that I have included, have chosen to stick by Love & Respect.
However, you need to understand that over the next few years you will be under increasing scrutiny for how your counselors advise abuse victims; for what you say about abuse; and for the resources you support. You will not be able to hide behind doctrinal differences. I cannot urge you strongly enough, in the name of Jesus Christ, our Saviour and our advocate, to examine yourselves now and do the right thing. If you would like some help with this, I would be glad to be part of that process, and I have many others I can recommend to help you with this too. I do believe that you are committed to the health and welfare of families. I just also believe that you are missing the mark right now, and this is going to become increasingly serious for you.
At the Caring Well conference, J.D. Greear said that, in the past, the Southern Baptist Convention treated warnings from survivors like Tiffany Thigpen, Christa Brown, Jules Woodson, and others as “attacks from adversaries instead of warnings from friends.” I mean this letter as a warning from a friend.
When you are in ministry, a friend is someone who spurs you on towards love and good deeds. That is what I am trying to do now.
I pray that you will realize this soon, while you have time to decide to make a course correction, rather than realize it too late, as the SBC did, and find that course correction being forced upon you.
In Him,
Sheila Gregoire
Note: Since sending this letter in October of 2019, I have received no reply.
If you agree with this letter, and want to add your voice to it, please leave a comment in support of it.
And if you want to say something directly to Focus on the Family, use the comments section to do so. I know they will be reading this.
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See what else we’ve written on Love and Respect:
How Love & Respect Gets Sex Horribly Wrong
Why Unconditional Respect Doesn’t Work
The Fundamental Flaw in the Book Love & Respect
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
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Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
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January 14, 2020
Is It Okay if Christian Marriage Books are Just a Little Bit Harmful?
Christian marriage books should not harm people.
That seems to me to be a no-brainer, but often in discussions about books that I believe spread a toxic teaching, people will say something like:
Well, I got a lot of out of it. I didn’t agree with all of it, and I can see how it can be harmful for certain people, but it’s helped a lot, too.
I’d like to address this line of thinking today.
Christian marriage books can be harmful in one of two ways: They can spread teaching that is toxic, or they can give advice which would be harmful for people in certain situations without warning.
Let’s take them one at a time.
Christian marriage books should not share toxic teaching
As I’ve talked about on the blog at length, Love & Respect’s teaching on sex is toxic. It frames sex as only being about a man’s sexual release; does not address women’s pleasure whatsoever; and talks about sex as something that a woman owes a man, rather than as a vehicle to intimacy and greater oneness.
Why is this toxic? It spreads a lie about sex to both men and women, similar to what I was talking about on my first Start Your Engines podcast for men. It tells us that sex is only about men, which can cause a man to ignore his wife’s sexuality, and can cause women to believe that they don’t have sexual needs or that they’re not sexual beings.
There’s a whole lot more wrong, but that’s it in a nutshell.
Here’s another example: The Every Man’s Battle series is also toxic teaching, because it frames lust as a problem which all men have and which men can’t really defeat (they have to go through life bouncing their eyes, rather than treating women as whole people). The tactics that it describes for getting over lust don’t work, but they also reinforce the same view of women that porn does: by always talking about avoiding women, it objectifies women and sees them merely as sexual objects, and not as people. That, too, is toxic.
However, we don’t always realize that these things are toxic because they’re so widespread in the Christian community (something which I’m doing my darndest to fight against). Pastors tend to talk about how one of the main reasons for having sex is so that the man isn’t tempted to watch pornography or have an affair. We start thinking that this is normal. But teaching this normalizes men’s sexual sin and kills a woman’s libido, because she hears that he doesn’t want HER, he only wants sex. And if she doesn’t give it, he’ll betray her. This harms a woman’s soul. And yet, because it’s so prevalent, we often don’t even see the harm in it.
Here’s a much better post on how to talk about men’s sexual needs in a healthy way, which acknowledges BOTH spouse’s experiences and needs.
Christian marriage books should not harm people and definitely should not harm a marriage.
(Click here to tweet this quote)
Like this post so far? You should also check out:
Pastors: Enough with the “Boys Will Be Boys”
How Love & Respect Gets Sex Horribly Wrong
Why Every Man’s Battle Backfires
Can We Talk About Men’s Sexual Needs in a Healthy Way?
Christian marriage books give advice that can be toxic
Then there’s the other way that Christian marriage books can harm: they can give advice which may work for marriages where both people have goodwill towards one another. However, that same advice, if used by someone married to a spouse with deep character flaws, will only make their marriage worse. There is no one-size-fits-all marriage advice, and yet many books portray their method as being the one thing that, if you just do it right, will save every marriage.
This was my point when I looked at the topic of unconditional respect in Love & Respect. If you’re married to a good guy, then the book likely wouldn’t harm. But if a woman is married to a selfish person; a lazy person; a man who watches porn or is an alcoholic or a workaholic or any other vice, it’s going to make her marriage worse. It tells her that to confront him or draw boundaries is disrespectful, and that if he’s not acting properly, it’s her fault for not being respectful enough.
Church, this should matter to us.
If a book is harming people, even if it didn’t harm you, it should matter. As Jesus said,
“It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”
Mark 2:17
It is those in difficult marriages who tend to buy Christian marriage books, so how these books handle these issues is of grave importance, because it is these vulnerable people who will bear the brunt if something goes wrong.
But if there’s no one-size-fits-all marriage advice, then wouldn’t all books be guilty of this?
Well, actually, no. Here’s why: though no book can cover advice for all situations, and though most books are meant for “normal” marriages where both spouses have goodwill, what all books should do is help people recognize when their situation is NOT normal, and then point them to other resources.
For instance, in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, I was sharing in my “being one is more important than being right” section about how sharing your emotional needs can help reframe a conflict and help you brainstorm to find a new resolution and overcome a stalemate. And I showed how this practically could work. However, I also spent a few pages showing that certain needs are NOT legitimate, and then told readers that if their marriage was facing this, they needed to get help.
I helped people see when their marriage was in danger, and when they didn’t need advice for resolving conflict, but they needed much deeper intervention.
Giving general caveats about abuse is not enough
I see this in marriage books quite a bit–the book will say something like, “Now, of course, if you’re being abused, please remove yourself from this situation and call the police.” Love & Respect even does that! Created To Be His Helpmeet even did this. I think just about every book I’ve read does that. But here’s the problem: You can’t give that caveat, but then at the same time give anecdotes of people who are obviously in that situation, but not label those things as abusive.
In Created To Be His Helpmeet, for instance, Debi Pearl says that you should call the police for abuse. But then she gives an anecdote of a husband threatening his pregnant wife with a kitchen knife, and her advice to the wife was to figure out how she had provoked him and stop nagging. Here’s a situation which is obviously abusive, but Pearl does not call it that or treat it like abuse.
In Eggerichs’ case, on the very same page that he tells people to call the police for abuse, he gives an example of a physically abusive husband who repents and is allowed back in the home (ignoring the love bombing cycle), and then talks about how it’s now up to the wife to not react to his anger and provoke fights.
Here’s an analogy: Think about how drug companies handle warnings
Drug companies are required to warn you: “This drug is not meant for people with these conditions.”
What would we think, though, if a drug company said, “This drug is not meant for people with asthma”, but then went on to tell a story about a woman who was having real shortness of breath, and who felt her chest tightening, and who often had trouble catching her breath when it was cold or after exercising, but she used the drug and it was amazing!
Well, you might assume that if you have shortness of breath, and if you have chest tightening, and if you cough a lot after exercise or when it’s cold, then you must not have asthma. You must have something else. And maybe this drug would work!
That’s what going on with too many Christian marriage books.
They’re saying they’re not meant to be used in abusive situations, but then they’re describing abusive situations without naming them as such.
This normalizes abuse. It makes people think that the word “abuse” can only mean something absolutely so horrible that it couldn’t possibly apply to me. After all, a man coming at me with a kitchen knife isn’t abuse. A man who reacts in anger to everything I do isn’t abusive. A man who can’t handle any confrontation at all without getting angry isn’t abusive.
When people brought this to Focus on the Family’s attention about Love & Respect, for instance, they started sending out a form letter, essentially saying that Love & Respect is not meant for people in bad marriages. (You can see that letter here, and I’ll be sharing my response tomorrow).
However, Love & Respect explicitly says in the introduction that his method has helped abusive marriages and marriages with affairs fix themselves. He gives examples in the book of husbands who are addicted to pornography; drinking; straying; and are abusive. As I asked Focus on the Family on Twitter, if adultery, porn use, alcoholism, and abuse do not constitute bad marriages, what, exactly, does?
Do you believe that alcoholism, abuse, porn addiction, & cheating are symptoms of healthy marriages that need fine-tuning?
Please clear up this misunderstanding. People listen to your recommendations. Please honor women & stop hurting them like this.— SheilaGregoire (@sheilagregoire) August 21, 2019
A Christian marriage book should not harm a marriage. If it does, it’s not a good book to recommend.
Just because a book helped your marriage does not mean that it’s a good book if it also harms other marriages. We should approach Christian marriage books the same way drug companies do. We should expect warnings that are consistent.
The question I ask myself when I read a book is this:
If a woman with an abusive husband, a husband who won’t get a job, or a husband who is addicted to porn is reading this book, what would she think? If a husband with an emotionally abusive wife, with a wife who has cut him off of sex, or with a wife who is engaged in some major sin were reading this book, what would he think?
If the book does not allow readers to recognize, “there’s something wrong with my marriage, and this isn’t normal”, then that book isn’t safe.
If the book gives anecdotes of people in these horrible situations simply being “nicer” or praying harder, without saying that this is not the norm, and that these people should seek help, then the book is placing the responsibility for fixing a spouse’s deep flaws and sins on the innocent party. That’s wrong.
Now, to be healthy a book doesn’t have to show people how to solve those big problems–no book can address every eventuality. But a book should allow people in bad situations to see, “what I am experiencing goes beyond normal and is actually toxic.”
I don’t think that’s too much to ask.
So I think we should stop saying, “Well, I know the book has hurt some, but it really helped me, so I think it’s still a good book,” and start demanding more from our Christian resources. Frankly, I think the publishing world has not served marriage well in the Christian world. There’s far too many toxic books out there. But this will not end until all of us stop buying harmful books, stop recommending them, stop saying nothing when our churches do yet another small group study or marriage day based on a bad book.
Speak up. Demand more. It matters–maybe not for you personally, but certainly for those who are hurting in your midst.
What do you think? How can we get more helpful resources in our churches? Let’s talk in the comments!
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January 13, 2020
Iron Sharpens Iron Series: It’s NOT a Sin to Confront Your Spouse
If you think there’s something wrong in your marriage, or you feel hurt or distant from your spouse, is it okay to confront your spouse and bring it up?
That may seem like an odd question, but hear me out on this. I’m in the middle of our “iron sharpens iron” marriage series, which will run every Monday in January on this blog. Marriage is supposed to make us better people. We’re supposed to help each other grow. I talked last week about how the way that we act in marriage can either point people to God or enable bad behaviour, even if we’re not meaning to. I’d like to help us point people to God!
But what I fear often happens is that we end up enabling bad behaviour because we have heard marriage advice that makes it sound like doing anything else is actually wrong or sinful. See if you recognize any of these:
“You can’t change anyone else; you can only change yourself.”
This is true–you cannot change anyone else’s behaviour. What we’re supposed to do instead is to work on ourselves, and love others but also have good boundaries.
HOWEVER, just because you can’t change someone’s behaviour does not mean that you can’t talk about things. Sometimes this teaching is taken so much to the extreme that it sounds like we’re simply supposed to learn to live with anything that our spouse does. In a healthy relationship, you talk about the things that are bothering you.
“You shouldn’t have expectations in marriage.”
The root of so much marital unhappiness is unmet expectations. If you grew up in a family that had family dinners and weekly family board game nights and took family camping vacations, you may have a very different idea of what family life should look like than a spouse who grew up with uninvolved, workaholic parents. You may feel as if your spouse doesn’t want to spend time with you because you pictured marriage very differently than they did.
Or maybe he grew up in a house where everything was picture perfect, and he married a woman who is more of a free spirit and who doesn’t prioritize house cleaning. Letting go of the unspoken expectation that the house is supposed to look like his mom’s can help the marriage tremendously.
HOWEVER, just because expectations can be harmful to marriage does not mean that we should simply settle for whatever our marriage is. It’s okay to want to feel closer. It’s okay to want to grow together.
In a healthy relationship, you talk about the things that are bothering you.
(Click here to tweet this quote)
“If you want your spouse to meet your needs, you need to meet their needs first.”
Are you feeling unloved? Unappreciated? Lonely? Likely your spouse is, too. One of the best ways to grow the marriage is to stop waiting for your spouse to do the right thing and to reach out and meet your spouse’s needs and help them feel loved. That can change the dynamic in the relationship, so that they stop feeling unappreciated or judged, and they find it easier to reach out to you, too. The tension evaporates, and you can rebuild.
All true.
HOWEVER, meeting someone’s needs does not guarantee that they will become better people overnight. Sometimes people are just plain selfish, and if we give more, they simply take more.
We recently finished a survey of 22,000 Christian women, asking about their marital and sexual satisfaction. The results will be out first in our book The Great Sex Rescue, in spring 2021, with more books to follow. But, as you can imagine, we have so much great information that I’ll be sharing little nuggets along the way!
One woman answering the survey said this, which I thought was especially relevant to today’s post:
The Love Language book left me with the impression that if I just keep loving him the way he needs to be loved, that he would reciprocate. That never happened. It’s only when I started speaking up about what was wrong with our marriage and trying to expect it differently that he started to change.
Yep. That’s a really common dynamic!
And then there are the gendered messages that we hear about how confronting things or bringing up issues is a sin:
“You should love your wife as Christ loved the church, giving up everything for her.”
Yes, husbands are to love their wives sacrificially.
HOWEVER, Jesus let go of all of his own needs for a purpose–to help us reconcile with God. If husbands let go of all of their legitimate needs in marriage, they won’t be building a marriage. An intimate marriage requires the sharing of two hearts, which means that you can’t stuff all of your emotions down, or else you have nothing to share. A one-sided relationship where one person gets all of their needs met and the other is taken advantage of is not one that glorifies God.
What I hope to show next week and the week after is how we can talk to each other and act in such a way that we are loving sacrificially, but we are also working towards greater intimacy–which involves sharing our own legitimate needs, too. It can seem loving to give up all of your needs, but God created you with those needs. If iron is supposed to sharpen iron, then we must also act like iron. It’s okay to speak up when something is bothering you.
“Wives are to submit to their husbands.”
Yes, we are to serve our husbands sacrificially and honour them.
HOWEVER, our husbands are not Jesus to us. We are to always seek first the kingdom of God (Matthew 6:33), not just seek to make our husbands happy. God wants us to be GOOD, not just nice, and the way that we do that is by acting in such a way that we point our husbands to God, which involves bringing up issues that we think are destructive to our husbands or to the relationship.
Do You Have a Difficult Time Standing up to your Husband?
God wants us aiming for His will. That sometimes will mean that we need to confront our husbands when they’re doing something wrong.
Struggle with how to do that? Are boundaries a difficult concept for you? 9 Thoughts can help!
Take me to it!
“It’s disrespectful to your husband to confront him on something he has done wrong.”
No, we should not harangue, mock, or belittle a spouse.
HOWEVER, simply talking about something that is bothering you is not disrespecting someone, even though it’s a really common accusation often hurled at women (and I’ll use the book Love & Respect as an example). Emerson Eggerichs defines respect as an acronym–CHAIRS–which includes Conquest, Hierarchy, Authority, Insight, Relationship, and Sexuality. You must do all of these things to respect your husband. Included in those is allowing him to lead the family and make the decisions, and listening to his insight rather than your own. In fact, you’re supposed to ignore what you think because as a woman you are more easily deceived, and thus he is more likely to be right about something than you are (p. 230). This means that to speak up about something you think your husband is doing wrong is inherently disrespectful, because it’s ignoring your husband’s insight.
in fact, Eggerichs gives an example in his appendix of how a wife should confront her husband about his workaholism. She’s allowed to say 2-3 sentences about it, and then she must not say anything else for 10-20 days (I’m serious; that’s literally what he wrote). And what is it that she should say?
“Your son (daughter, children) needs you at home more. You have a unique influence on him. In certain areas, nobody matters to him as much as you do. It may not appear that way to you, but your positive presence has the power to mold him. I know you are swamped and have little time, but I also know that you want to give him that part of you that no one else can give to him. Thanks.”
Note here that the wife is feeling neglected. But to mention her own feelings is apparently disrespectful. To even ask him specifically to change is disrespectful (saying “your son needs you at home more” is not the same as saying, “I would like you to make a commitment to be at home more.”) All you’re allowed to do is give him your observations, but then you must leave it to him to draw conclusions. To do so yourself is disrespectful.
He has other examples, too–his wife asking him to stop putting wet towels on the bed apparently was “disrespectful”; his wife saying to him, “you never spend any time with me and you’re always busy” was apparently also disrespectful. In fact, throughout the book, any time his wife mentions anything that she doesn’t like that he is doing, Eggerichs frames it as being disrespectful (perhaps that’s why Love & Respect was the most mentioned resource that harmed marriages in my survey!).
Many women grow up hearing this, and it is hurting marriages. So let’s look at a healthier way to see this with another example.
Let’s say your husband made fun of you in public, with a joke at your expense that was in poor taste.
Here’s what I would suggest:
When you are alone, in a firm tone of voice, say:
“What you said was unacceptable, and I’m really disappointed that you would treat me like that in front of your friends. This isn’t like you, and I know you want to do better than this. You owe me an apology.”
You are owning your own feelings. You are calling him out for an infraction that he made against you. You are pointing the way to how the relationship can be restored and can grow.
What if, on the other hand, you acted more like Eggerichs instructs, and simply gave your observations, rather than your conclusions, your thoughts, or your feelings? Then you might hint at something like,
“Isn’t it nice that I say so many nice things about you in public with you friends?”
or perhaps you try,
“Couples seem to grow together in marriage when they speak well of each other.”
You hope against hope that he’ll get the message, but he most likely will not. And you’ll become sadder and sadder.
Or perhaps you say nothing at all because you don’t think you’re supposed to. However, you’re still hurting. That night, when he wants to have sex, you push him away, or else you go through the motions. He knows something’s wrong, but he doesn’t know what it is. So he gets frustrated and pulls away as well.
In that scenario, you have not owned your feelings. You’ve made him responsible for figuring out what they are.
So which is really disrespectful? Is it to tell your husband the truth, or is it to expect him to figure it out on his own, and then to withdraw when he does not?
In fact, the Bible tells us specifically that we are to talk directly to someone when they have sinned against us or done something that we don’t think is right.
Matthew 18:15-16
If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’
We’re supposed to point out the other’s fault!
God wants us looking more and more like Jesus.
God desires that we be transformed to look like Christ (Romans 8:29). That means that we should be like iron sharpening iron.
Last Christmas, when the kids were home, I asked for some help making dinner. They were chopping up vegetables while I was marinating something. As Connor tried to cut the carrots, he paused and looked at the knife, and asked me if I had a knife sharpener. A light went off in my head. That’s what that funny shaped long metal thing was. I dug around in a drawer, found it, and Connor ran the edge of the knife along it for several minutes. Over the next month, as I went to use that knife, I was amazed at how much better it cut.
Many of us are not acting as iron in our relationships. We aren’t strong. We aren’t powerful. We’re letting ourselves get pushed around.There’s no sharpening that’s happening, and our spouse is going to become less and less useful and less and less fruitful.
That’s not what you want. It’s okay to speak up. Next week we’ll look practically at how to do that, and the week after that we’ll look at what to do if things still don’t change.
What are your thoughts? Let’s talk in the comments!
Other Posts in the Iron Sharpens Iron Series:
Our Iron Sharpens Iron Podcast!
Marriage Should Make You Better People!
Why It’s Not a Sin to Confront Your Spouse (this one!)
How to Speak Up when Your Marriage Needs Changing (January 20)
What To Do When Your Spouse Won’t Change Bad Habits (January 27)
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
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January 10, 2020
How One Woman Became a Warrior Wife
Maybe being a wife is about fighting FOR your husband, not just being nice to your husband.
I want to share a story that was shared on this blog this week, but before I do that, I want to tell you about a conversation my husband Keith and I had over Christmas.
I turned off the internet for 9 days while my kids were home, and just enjoyed being with them, and playing family board games, and loving on my grandson. But during my down time, Keith decided to catch up on his reading. He tries to read my blog everyday, but sometimes he gets busy and skips a day. So he read several week’s worth in one go.
And it took a long time–but what he realized was that a lot of the “gold” was in the comments. I often elaborated on stuff in response to things other people said, or sometimes people shared awesome stuff in the comments section. And if you didn’t read the comments section, you’d miss it.
Especially because so many people read my blog through email (did you know you can sign up to get my posts sent to you by email?), the comments often get missed.
So I’ve decided that every now and then, I want to highlight some comments that come through that are especially relevant regarding the series that we’re running that week. And boy did a good one come in this week! I want to feature this one from Roxy, left on my iron sharpening iron post about how to bring about positive change in marriage. She tells how she confronted her husband’s porn use, and I want to share her comment and then make a few observations from it.
Iron Sharpens Iron Series: Marriage Should Make You Better People!
My marriage (10 years) is in the process of rapidly changing this very moment because I finally drew a very hard line in the sand and told my husband, after his rather half hearted battling of the issue off and on for years, “Make the choice: me or porn.” Things blew sky high a few weeks ago and I said some very hard, very necessary things that finally got through to him.
My husband is a excellent man, but he was drowning in this area and couldn’t pull himself out, even though he wanted to (crucial, of course). It had slowly destroyed me over the years, like a trickle effect, and had deeply affected our intimacy and communication. And he didn’t even watch “porn” in the usual sense (because of a filter on his phone, ironically)! “Just” sexualized stuff on YouTube a couple times a week, plus masturbation (so not all that bad, right?). But it made him angry, anxious, distant, distracted, and a dozen other destructive things.
I made several clear, non-negotiable requirements, and he has taken ownership of all of them, praise God. In the last few weeks he has become so much more peaceful, calm, and determined. He is a new man after only a few weeks of complete abstinence (we are doing a 90 day sexual detox together, as recommended by nofap.com, an awesome (secular) resource). We have had several hours-long, deep conversations which would have been impossible a month ago (and have never been easy for him).
The rapidity of his initial recovery has stunned me. We are in this 100% together. We text and talk every day about it. He volunteers information readily now about urges, phases, etc, as his brain heals. He is seeking Christian counseling, too. It is a miracle.
He told me the other day that his desire for me, while it’s always been high, is totally different now than it was even a month ago. He said it’s more focused, richer, and deeper. And then do you know what he said?
“Thank you for hitting me up side the head with a 2×4.”
I was speechless. All because my own (wise and godly) counselor had told me I needed to be a strong, equal, corresponding warrior-helper for my husband, and it is not in my nature anyway to sit by and watch my loved one flail for fear of being an” unbiblical wife.” (What, I ask, could be more Biblical than pulling someone out of the mire?!)
I was not being either strong or a helper to him. I mean, look at God and Israel! He set countless boundaries for them out of love, and let them experience the consequences when they went too far. It was totally necessary and done in love and for their good. Yet this is the total opposite of the message I’ve gotten all my life from countless books, blogs, etc, almost all of which I ingested in order to be a biblical wife and fix my marriage.
Now, we have a history of discussing this whole porn thing from time to time, and we didn’t have an awful relationship, and he is a good man, so I felt I could say these hard things to him, though I didn’t know precisely how he would react. I don’t know what would work for other women whose husbands are in deeper. I know my situation is not one-size-fits-all. But when my husband actually thanked me for blasting him out of the water in order to get his attention, that sealed it for me.
I say none of this lightly, and I haven’t even shared a quarter of the details. Setting a firm, clear boundary does not make me an unbiblical wife! On the contrary: it has strongly helped my husband and is saving our relationship. We are not out of the woods by any means, but I now have hope, all because I drew a line in the sand out of love and respect (get it?) for us both.
What an encouraging story! And what a wonderful picture of the point I’m trying to make all month in our Iron Sharpening Iron series.
A few things that stand out to me:
Being a “helper” to your husband means HELPING him, not making his life easy
I’ll be talking about this more in the series next week, but often we think the term helper, when used for wives, means that we are subordinate in some way, and that our job is to pave the way for our husbands and help our husbands in whatever our husbands want to do. He is the boss, he sets the agenda, and we just go along with it.
It’s based on Genesis 2:18:
The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”
Genesis 2:18
In Hebrew, it’s “ezer kenegdo.” But what does the word “helper”–ezer– actually mean there? Well, in English it takes on a subordinate connotation. But that’s not the case when we look at “ezer” in the Old Testament. It is most often used as a military term, and often applied to God.
Blessed are you, O Israel! Who is like you, a people saved by the LORD? He is your shield and helper and your glorious sword. Deut. 33:26-29.
I lift up my eyes to the hills—where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth. Psalm 121:1-2.
If ezer is applied to God, then being a husband’s helper can’t mean that you are somehow inferior. We see that as well with the qualifier “kenegdo”–or suitable for him. As Marg Mowczko writes about ezer kenegdo,
The word ezer is qualified by the word kenegdo in both Genesis 2:18 and 20. Kenegdo, often translated as “suitable for him,” gives the meaning that Eve was designed to be a corresponding and equal partner for Adam. There is no sense of subordination stated or implied, or even hinted at, in this passage in Genesis 2.
Marg Mowczk
So God wants us to be warrior wives, which means that we help, support, shield, and fight FOR our husband’s good!
Find the discussion of the real meaning of “ezer kenegdo fascinating? Then tune into this podcast about the real meaning of the Greek word for “head”, as in the husband is the head of the wife.
They sought good counseling to make positive changes in the marriage
I love what Roxy’s counselor told her: “I needed to be a strong, equal, corresponding warrior-helper for my husband”. Perfect! A good counselor that can point you to positive change can do a world of good. A bad counselor who keeps teaching that wives must not speak up against a husband’s choices because she must “submit” (using an improper definition of submit) can do a world of hurt. Some more posts that can help you finding a good counselor;
10 Questions to Ask a Biblical Counselor to Make Sure They’re Safe
On Rachael Denhollander, trauma recovery, and biblical counselors
Are you sinning against your husband in one of these 98 ways? (A list given out by a biblical counselor, and promoted by biblical counseling organizations. Steer clear of things like this!)
Being a “helper” to your husband means HELPING him, not making his life easy.
(Click here to tweet this quote)
Many people WANT to make positive change, but they feel stuck.
This husband did not want to be caught up in masturbation and soft porn viewing. He didn’t want to be irritable and angry. He wanted to change, but he felt powerless. Will power alone wasn’t doing it.
When his wife stood up and said, “this is not happening anymore”, suddenly he found the strength and motivation to do something. He needed that extra push. And he thanked his wife for it, because he knew he wouldn’t get anywhere alone.
THAT is what I mean by iron sharpening iron. Sometimes making positive changes is just too difficult. But that’s where being a true warrior-wife, a real helper, can make a difference.
A lot of Christian resources don’t teach this principle properly.
I’ll be frank. As Roxy noted, a lot of Christian teaching in this area has been abysmal. One of the most fascinating parts of the survey that we’ve just finished was the open ended questions where we asked people to share resources that had helped their marriage and share resources that had harmed their marriage. The resources that people said harmed their marriage mostly tend to teach that women must put up with their husband’s behaviour and not challenge it.
This concept doesn’t work. It isn’t biblical. It isn’t right.
Over this next little while, I hope to correct some of this thinking. But in the meantime, check out 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage. So many have told me that it’s actually the best book I’ve ever written, and I have free 6-week and free 8-week video Bible studies to go along with it.
Are you GOOD or are you NICE?
Because the difference matters!
God calls us to be GOOD, yet too often we’re busy being nice. And sometimes, in marriage, that can actually cause problems to be even more entrenched.
What if there’s a better way?
Take me to it!
Now let me know: Has the teaching on “helper” ever held you back in your marriage? Have you ever tried to be a warrior wife? Let’s talk in the comments!
When You Need to Have Hard Conversations:
Are You a Spouse or an Enabler?
When Your Husband Refuses to Talk about Important Things
January 9, 2020
PODCAST: How Iron Sharpens Iron
Are you using your influence in marriage so that iron is sharpening iron?
We’re starting our January series on the blog, and I’m really excited about it! We’re talking about how marriage is supposed to help us grow to be better people, and I introduced this yesterday in my post on iron sharpening iron. But just as we can influence each other to be better people–we can also inadvertently influence each other in the opposite direction!
Here’s the podcast.
Browse all the Different Podcasts
See the Last “Start Your Engines” (Men’s) Podcast
Main Segment: Iron Sharpens Iron
I started explaining two big principles:
Change is hard. We tend to do things by habit, and we also tend to move in the direction of least resistance. So once we develop a habit (whether it’s good or bad), we’ll gravitate towards it and we’ll tend to keep it going. That’s why, if we enable selfishness, someone will tend to become more selfish.
We’re made to live in community because we’re supposed to influence each other.
What does this mean for marriage?
If you want to have change, we have to stop making it easy for a spouse to the WRONG thing, and make it easier for a spouse to do the RIGHT thing.
Connor and Rebecca shared how they had to do this early in their marriage.
I also reiterated that some people will do the wrong thing regardless, because some people have bad character and are abusive. But in other cases, we can create dynamics in the marriage that either foster growth and good behaviour, or that foster immaturity and selfishness (and, to the extreme, could even culminate in abuse).
Posts mentioned in this segment:
How Iron Sharpens Iron
Flying Free Now–Deal Breakers (How to Recognize Red Flags for Abuse When Dating)
Habit Stacking (How to start new habits and begin living the life you want!)
More on Changing the Dynamic in Your Marriage:
Are You a Spouse or an Enabler?
When Your Husband Won’t Change: Is this the Last Straw?
Reader Question: You should tell women to have more faith in a miracle if they’re being abused, not tell them to get divorced
I spent the first bit of the podcast talking about how we can, and should, influence our spouse towards good behaviour (and they should influence us that way, too!). But I wanted to balance that message with this one: you can’t actually change someone’s behaviour, and if someone is being abusive, that is not on you.
A while ago I received quite a long email (that I condensed a lot in this podcast) that basically said this:
Sheila, I like your blog, but you are wrong in telling women in abusive marriages that they should divorce. Divorce is not permitted for abuse.
But, also, you forget that God can work miracles. You should tell the women to have faith instead! I was in an abusive marriage, and I prayed hard and sought godly, biblical counseling. We separated for a few weeks, and then God changed my husband’s heart, and he repented. God worked a miracle, and we are now reconciled. You are causing women to miss miracles. Tell them to have faith and to pray.
I replied in length to her question, but I think she is missing the mark on several things.
Scripture permits divorce for abuse
Abusive spouses must show they are repentant over time. We need to beware of the phenomenon of “love bombing”, where an abusive spouse will often say whatever they need to in order to get the spouse to reconcile
God does not force someone to change. He draws people, he softens hearts, He speaks to people, but ultimately we choose whether to listen or not.
Praying and having faith does not mean that your marriage will necessarily be saved. Praying and having faith means that you rely on God no matter what happens. Sometimes the miracle is what He does in your life and your children’s lives even if the marriage doesn’t survive.
Some posts mentioned in this segment:
Why I’m Anti-Divorce but Pro-Remarriage
Later this month I’ll also be running a post on how Wayne Grudem has changed his mind and agrees now that divorce is permitted for abuse–but why he doesn’t go far enough, and why he needs to issue an apology.
What I want people to get from my iron sharpening iron series is this:
It’s okay to speak up when something’s bugging you. Marriage should make us better people! A great book to go along with this series and to read as you work through this series with me this month is 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage. Plus–did you know that I have a FREE video Bible study to go along with it (either 6 weeks or 8 weeks)? Check out the Bible study here!
Are you GOOD or are you NICE?
Because the difference matters!
God calls us to be GOOD, yet too often we’re busy being nice. And sometimes, in marriage, that can actually cause problems to be even more entrenched.
What if there’s a better way?
Take me to it!
Let me know in the comments–do you think that we can enable bad behaviour? What does that look like? How do we stop? Let’s talk!
January 8, 2020
Iron Sharpens Iron Series: Marriage Should Make You Better People!
Keith has made me a better person because I am married to him.
First, there’s the little things. I notice that when I’m alone for several days, for instance, I tend to cocoon and just do whatever I want, which tends to consist of a lot of time wasters. When he’s here, I’m much more intentional about eating well, spending my time well, doing things with other people.
But then there are the bigger things. There’s the time I had to sit down with him about 12 years ago and tell him that I thought he was pushing Rebecca away because he was being too harsh with her. That was about 6 years after he had to sit down with me and tell me that I was being too easy on Katie, and she was wrapping me around her little finger (she was, too!).
I’ve helped him get more organized in his personal life. I’ve helped him make better food choices. He’s helped me stick to exercise goals and encourage me to keep up friendships when I’d rather cocoon.
We make each other better people by being married, and that’s what’s supposed to happen.
This year, in 2020, I want to get even more practical about how to grow your marriage and your sex life in the right direction.
I want to start the year with this January series: Iron is supposed to sharpen iron.
As iron sharpens iron,
so one person sharpens another.
Proverbs 27:17
It goes along with the verse that I pray over marriages all the time–my kids’ marriage, my own marriage, whenever I’m at weddings:
And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds
Hebrews 10:24
That verse has to do with Christian community as a whole, but I think it applies even more in the richest and deepest of communities: Marriage. We’re supposed to be spurring one another on to love and good deeds. We’re supposed to be making each other better people.
However, marriage does not universally make people better people.
The purpose of marriage may be to help us grow, but that doesn’t mean that marriage always does. In some marriages, people get more and more selfish, and even potentially verging on emotionally abusive over the years. In some marriages, people get lazier and lazier. In some marriages, spouses disconnect from kids and each other and focus only on work.
That’s what I want to talk about this month. And to do that, I want to propose two big truths (and one caveat!):
CAVEAT While SOME spouses come into marriage with bad character and narcissistic tendencies, and will likely never grow to be good people absent an extreme work of God, MOST spouses are good-willed people who want the best for their spouse and want to make their marriage work. HOWEVER, even good people can develop bad habits in marriage and can learn to treat each other badly because of these two truths:
Actions which are encouraged tend to be repeated.
People tend to keep traveling in the road of least resistance–so the direction that they are going will continue, and even accelerate, unless something stops them and causes them to change course.
When a marriage goes south and people treat each other terribly, sometimes it’s because of a controlling and manipulative character. But it can also be because of marriage dynamics that fostered the wrong type of behaviour.
I do believe that many abusive marriages cannot be saved.
BUT–and this is a big “but”–I also believe that we can get into negative patterns early in marriage and fail to address small things, and those small things can then become big things.
Emotional abuse is sometimes about bad character and can’t be changed. But it’s also sometimes about relationship dynamics, and that often can be changed–or, more importantly, can be prevented.
Let me tell you the story of Dave and Susan (not their real names), and how marriage reinforced bad behaviour.
Susan was a wonderful woman. She ran a home daycare, and all the neighbourhood kids loved her. She ran the Sunday School at her small rural church. She was the mom to 5 kids, and her house was the “hangout” house for the neighbourhood. She was the first to bake a casserole when someone had a baby. She was just a lovely, lovely woman.
She was also very, very soft-spoken, and never had a harsh word for anybody, including her husband. And her husband had some addictive tendencies. So when they got married, he kept going to the bar. Over the years, as the kids came, it became too loud at home, and he spent more and more time at the bar. He became a full-blown alcoholic, with frequent angry outbursts.
Then, out of nowhere, Susan contracted a brain tumour twenty-two years into their marriage. She died within 7 weeks of diagnosis.
Her husband fell apart.
But within a few years, Dave had met another woman, that we’ll call Trina. Trina was also a lovely woman, but she was confident and loud. When they married, she immediately put her foot down and let it be known that there would be no going out to bars.
Within 6 months Dave was completely sober, and had become a teddy bear of a man.
Why was Dave a terrible husband to Susan and a great husband to Trina? I do think, from observing the situation, that part of it was certainly because Dave had regrets and grief from his first marriage and didn’t want to repeat that. But I also think it was partly because Trina didn’t tolerate certain behaviour, and made that known early in their marriage.
Now, Susan was not responsible for her husband’s alcoholism. Her husband was the one responsible for his choices.
But I do think that we can encourage bad behaviour without meaning to.
Nigel married Julie when she was already pregnant with someone else’s child, and Julie was so grateful to Nigel that she tended to push down her own needs. Once the baby was born and eating solid food, Julie wanted to start having family dinners at the table. So one night Nigel came home and Julie had the table set and the food all out in serving bowls.
Nigel sat down at the TV, and said, “I’d rather eat here.” So Julie filled up a plate of food and brought it to him.
From then on, Nigel ate at the TV every night, and Julie grew more and more unhappy and resentful. He’d come home and instead of connecting with the family, he went off in his own little world–and he expected Julie to wait on him. He would sit there and wait for her to bring him dinner.
I told their story in my first book, To Love, Honor and Vacuum. It was largely because of them that I wrote that book. I saw Nigel treating Julie worse and worse by the day, and Julie growing more and more sad. But I also saw her putting up with his behaviour and even enabling it.
What would have happened if, on that first night, she had said, “I’d prefer we eat dinner together as a family, so why don’t you join us here?” What if she had spoken up? What if she hadn’t brought him his dinner on the couch? What if, had Nigel continued to eat dinner on the couch, she had announced, “I want us to be together as a family and eat as a family. I have no problem making a family dinner. But if you don’t want to be with us, then I’m going to just make dinner for the baby and me and we’ll eat before you get home.”
Are you struggling with how to draw boundaries in your marriage?
God calls us to be GOOD, yet too often we’re busy being nice. And sometimes, in marriage, that can actually cause problems to be even more entrenched.
What if there’s a better way?
That’s why I wrote 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage. And if you’re flailing, this is the book you need!
Take me to it!
I talk a lot about boundaries on this blog, but I’m not sure that many of us understand practically what they look like.
So this month, I want to take us through how iron should sharpen iron in marriage. We should make each other better people. And when we start with small things at the beginning of the marriage, we often prevent descents into selfishness like the ones that I’ve talked about.
This has been a passion for Rebecca, so I’d like her to have the last word on this one and share her story, too:
Connor, Rebecca, and Alexander in our family matching PJs Christmas morning!
When Connor and I were first married, within the first few months we both had to draw some boundaries with each other.
Connor had been living with 4 other amazing guys (they were all his groomsmen, actually) who were still living with each other after our wedding, since we were the first in our little group to get married. When Connor had lived with them, they would all often stay up until 2 or 3 in the morning gaming together and having a great time.
So when we got married and Connor went over for the first time and didn’t tell me when he’d be home, we ran into a bit of a problem. Because now his staying out until 2 in the morning was affecting more than just him.
I sat at home waiting up for him since we didn’t live in a great area of town (and I legitimately was concerned for his safety biking around late at night since there’s some major crime activity where we lived–we ended up leaving because a guy was stabbed literally right outside our apartment door in the hallway, to give you a picture) and when he finally came home at 2:30 we went to bed and I told him, “I’m glad you’re home, but we’re talking about this in the morning.”
In the morning I told him I had no problem with him going out with the guys periodically, but he couldn’t impact my night like that by doing something that would make me worry. So he always had to tell me when he’d be home (or update me if the plan changed) and then either had to be home by midnight or he could just crash at their place–either was totally fine to me. He agreed, and we didn’t have any other issues.
Similarly, I got frustrated when he’d start online games he couldn’t pause in the evening.
It was cutting into our time after school/work together and it meant he was completely unavailable for minimum of 45 minutes at a time. So I told him I wanted to make sure gaming wasn’t getting in the way of us and we agreed that he wouldn’t start any game he couldn’t pause after 9:30 PM.
But Connor got frustrated, too–and had to set boundaries with me.
As many of you may have guessed, my mom and I are really close. About a year into our marriage, Connor started working more and I was working from home. As a result, it was a lot easier to talk to my mom about things than to talk to Connor, who wouldn’t be home for a few hours.
Connor realized after a few weeks that my mom was becoming the person I told everything to first, not him. And so he sat me down and said, “I need you to tell me things first before you tell your mom so that it truly is OUR life and we don’t start living lives parallel to each other.” It was exactly what I needed, and he was entirely right, and I made a concerted effort from that point on to make Connor my primary emotional support.
As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.
Proverbs 27:17
Does iron sharpen iron in your marriage?
(Click here to tweet this quote)
But what if we hadn’t said anything?
What if I hadn’t said I wasn’t comfortable with him walking home so late, or if I hadn’t spoken up about the bad gaming habits? What if he hadn’t confronted me about how I wasn’t turning to him for emotional support and thereby creating distance in our marriage?
I’d be experiencing a lot more resentment and irritation towards Connor’s friends and towards him. Connor would not be as considerate about how much time he’s spent away from home or understand the impact that has on me.
Connor would not be as emotionally available if he were addicted to video games (which he does have a tendency towards) and our marriage would not have gotten such a great start if we didn’t have our evenings together
I would not feel as secure and safe with my husband because I would not have given him the opportunities to be my emotional support if I were still turning to family instead of to him.
In short, our marriage would be a lot worse and both of us would be crappier people.
By speaking up, both of us were able to put our spouse back on a path that was healthy and beneficial for both of us.
And that’s why speaking up in the moment is so important: because whether we want to admit it or not, we do have the ability to influence each other, providing we married someone of good character. So let’s take that influence we have over each other seriously, and not resign ourselves to resentment, disappointment, and bad behaviour from our spouses.
Thanks, Becca! And this month, as we work through this series, we’ll look at how practically we can speak up, how confronting our spouse can be a positive thing, not a negative thing, and then, finally, what to do if things still don’t change.
Posts Coming in the Iron Sharpens Iron Series:
Our Iron Sharpens Iron Podcast! (tomorrow, with Sheila explaining more about the psychology of how change works in marriage)
Why It’s Not a Sin to Confront Your Spouse (January 13)
How to Speak Up when Your Marriage Needs Changing (January 20)
What To Do When Your Spouse Won’t Change Bad Habits (January 27)
How do you sharpen iron with iron? What ways do you make your spouse better? Let’s talk in the comments!
A Better Way to Honour God in Your Marriage:
Are You a Spouse or an Enabler?
When Your Husband Won’t Change: Is this the Last Straw?
4 Things You Must Do If Your Husband Uses Porn
10 Signs You’re Respecting Your Husband Too Much
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
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