Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 70

Reader Question: Do I Have to Have Sex or Do Sexual Things if Sex Grosses Me Out?

What do you do if sex is very distasteful, and you’d rather not be sexual in your marriage at all?

Last Friday I wrote a post about how withholding sex in your marriage is not a good idea (it’s better to deal with WHY you’re withholding sex). And last week I wrote about how our culture often teaches women that they don’t have libidos.

Today I want to turn to a practical example, from a reader who wrote in that sex is painful, and she finds everything sexual other than intercourse gross. She says:

Reader Question

I was raped in college and it was my very first time since I was still a virgin, I was upfront with my husband regarding this event in my past. I am not comfortable with oral sex and quite personally think hand jobs are really gross. I know that my husband loves me very much, but I don’t know how to get over the gross feeling of a hand job, and the pain is too unbearable for intercourse as I will be in pain for weeks afterwards. I really do not want surgery yet again, but I really do not see a way around it and still make the hubby happy. I am really confused, exhausted, and tired. I am just fine with no sex and just cuddling, but he gets very demanding and wants some kind of sex. We have been married for 21 years. Thank you for your time.

Let’s deal with sexual pain first: Vaginismus is real and it is a huge problem for many women.

Pain during sex is a terrible burden that many women carry, and there is not enough research on what causes it or how to treat it. I do not believe that women should be having intercourse if it is excrutiating, because sex is supposed to be mutual. A man should not be receiving pleasure by hurting his wife. (If you can achieve intercourse if you take your time, allow her to relax, etc., that’s one thing. But if it’s always excrutiating, that’s something else entirely).

At the same time, I wonder if she has been seeking out the best treatment? For most women, surgery doesn’t cure vaginismus. Perhaps if there is a lot of scar tissue from childbirth or early sexual abuse, surgery can help, and only a physician can tell. But for most women experiencing this pain, the treatment of choice is a pelvic floor physiotherapist. I encourage anyone going through this kind of pain to find a qualified physiotherapist to help.

What about the trauma from sexual abuse?

It could be that part of the vaginismus has been triggered from the rape, and so seeing a trauma therapist may also be warranted. Sexual assault leaves a huge wound. It is the ultimate degradation and humiliation, but it is also the ultimate rejection of you as a person. It’s saying, “YOU don’t matter to me except for your body. I am going to simply use you for my own gratification.”

Most sexual assault survivors do need some therapy to help them process what has happened. In this, I urge you to find a licensed counselor trained in trauma therapy, and not a biblical counselor.

It’s okay to have really bad associations with sex. But can you move forward?

I hope that she does seek out the treatment for both of these things that she needs. I think in her case those are the most important steps, and the rest of this post can wait until after she’s had that looked at.

But once she has received some help, I’d like to move to the next step, which is reframing how she sees sex.

I am glad that she told her husband about her struggles before they married. At the same time, though, it’s not healthy for anyone to define their marriage or their sexuality in terms of something that has been done to them. Yes, you were assaulted. Yes, that had serious repercussions for how you see sex, and how you see yourself, and how you trust.

But the person who assaulted you took something precious from you in the past. Please don’t give them the power to take intimacy from you now.

I’m sure that this woman’s husband married her with great compassion for what she went through. But I also don’t think he believed that he was signing up for a sexless marriage, where sex would forever be off the table. He obviously really does want to connect sexually, and 21 years is a very long time. Though she would rather just cuddle, his sex drive is not going to go away. And his sex drive is God-given; it’s urging him towards more intimacy. It’s a good thing. So instead of trying to figure out how to convince him to forego sex, how about seeing how to awaken your own sexuality?

How can you move forward sexually when everything that has to do with sex is gross or distasteful?

It’s understandable that she’d rather just cuddle. But that attitude isn’t good for her husband, and it also isn’t good for her. We were created for intimacy, and she deserves to experience that. She deserves to understand real passion. She deserves to not be stuck in the past.

But how can you get there?

Don’t define your future by what you’re comfortable with now. Define it by what is best for you.

It reminds me of a story from John 5, where Jesus healed a lame man beside the pool of Bethsaida.

​

Now there is in Jerusalem near the Sheep Gate a pool, which in Aramaic is called Bethesda[a] and which is surrounded by five covered colonnades.Here a great number of disabled people used to lie—the blind, the lame, the paralyzed. One who was there had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, “Do you want to get well?”

“Sir,” the invalid replied, “I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me.”

Then Jesus said to him, “Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.” At once the man was cured; he picked up his mat and walked.

John 5:1-9

This man had been like this for 38 years. Our letter writer has been living with this for 21 years. That’s a long time.

And Jesus looks and sees people who have been in bondage for so long, and has compassion. And he asks, “Do you want to get well?”

But instead of answering the question, the lame man here gives all the reasons why this isn’t possible. He can’t even picture getting well. He knows that it’s impossible. He’s gotten comfortable being where he is, having his existence smaller than it otherwise could be–but comfortable.

And Jesus challenges all that. He wants to take people out of their comfortable-but-not-thriving life and help them to live a full life.

You may be comfortable with where you are now, giving up on sex, and looking at a sexless future where you just cuddle. But you shouldn’t define yourself by your limitations and your past. Instead, define what you want based on what is good for you. You may not be able to picture it; you may not be able to even understand how it’s possible. But God tells us to get our minds in line with truth and to be renewed (Romans 12:2). We aren’t to be defined by what has past; we’re to be defined by what God has for us.

Believe what God says about sex and intimacy, not your own experience

So how do you renew your mind when it comes to sex? It means seeing sex as God sees it, even if that’s not in line with your own experience.

I shared in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage that this was the big breakthrough for me in our marriage. I had been living with sexual pain for several years, and was starting to get over it. And I was tired of always fighting with Keith about sex. I was tired of feeling inadequate. I was tired of the constant tension. I used to wish that sex would go away and that we could just get back to us. I even worked at trying to get Keith not to think about sex (and here’s a humorous take on it that I use in my sex talks):

But one day I realized that there was another way through this.

I thought to myself, “If God made sex to be amazing, and other people find sex amazing, then do I really want to miss out on something amazing that God has for me?” And I began a big research project in how to make sex amazing.

At the time I couldn’t imagine sex being amazing. But I knew that God was good, and that sex was supposed to be good. And I didn’t want to live my life missing out on something that great.

So what should she do now?

Allow yourself to feel pleasure

“Hand jobs” may not be as gross if you’re also receiving pleasure, and if he’s also stimulating you. If it’s not just about “lending him a hand”, but it’s also about you receiving some pleasure, then some of this negative association may go away.

I think the first step is to focus on how to feel arousal, rather than just how to have sex properly or even how to pleasure him. Allow yourself to start coming alive sexually, and then the rest may follow.

And please read The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex to try to get a different perspective on why God made sex the way He did. If you can see the beauty behind it, and the real meaning of intimacy and passion, perhaps all of this can seem less distasteful.

God made sex to be AWESOME!

It’s supposed to be great physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Feel like something’s missing?

Check out The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex!

What do you think? How would you answer this woman who finds sex gross? Let’s talk in the comments! 

Find this post helpful? You may also want to check out:

What if My Husband Wants Something I Think is Gross?

Do I Have to Indulge My Husband’s Fantasies?

Is It Okay to Withhold Sex in Marriage? Let’s Rethink Sexless Marriages

Is withholding sex in marriage okay? If you’re not a sexual person, or if you don’t think your spouse deserves sex, is it okay to cut them off from sex?

A lot of people who are on this blog are desperate because their spouses have sex with them less than once a month, and many qualify as sexless marriages, where they haven’t had sex in over a year (or longer). In many cases, these are men writing in. I’ve written before about what to do if you have a sexless marriage because your husband doesn’t want sex, and I’d encourage women to read that if you’re the one in a sexless marriage.

But I want to talk today to the women who are withholding sex in their marriage.

Now, I firmly believe that there are good reasons why a woman may say no to sex. I understand that sometimes pain plays a role, or you’re very tired, or grieving, or processing trauma. Sometimes your marriage is in shambles, and that needs to be dealt with first. I am not one who believes that “do not deprive” means that you can never say no.

What I’m talking about is not these temporary times where sex may be on hold, but instead a chronic period of withholding sex. So I want to talk broadly to two different groups: those who just don’t like sex; and those who are having trouble in their marriage. This post is not for those for whom sex is painful or there are major physical limitations happening, or where there is traumatic sexual abuse that is in the process of being healed. Let’s put those aside for now, and just turn to women who could have sex without pain, but are choosing not to.

For the women who withhold sex because they just don’t like it, don’t think it’s important, and are happier without it.

I remember speaking at a marriage conference once when a man came up to Keith and me during a break and asked what he should do. His wife had announced after the birth of their third child that she was now done with sex, because she didn’t like it. That had been fifteen years prior to this marriage conference. No sex at all in those 15 years. They had raised the kids together, but his wife barely touched him at all, let alone anything else.

I have spoken to countless men whose wives did something similar around menopause. They didn’t have the same feelings they did before, and they felt comfortable saying that the sexual side of their life was now over, it was in the past, kaput, and they were fine with that.

But this isn’t okay.

First, sex is meant for marriage. We are becoming “one flesh”.

When we give up on sexual intimacy, we do cut off the one thing that defines a marriage relationship beyond everything else. Obviously if illness plays a part, then sex is not necessary. But sex really isn’t optional when it’s possible. And we do have sexual drives, where people naturally desire sex. To tell your husband that he can never, ever get his drive met, and that he should shut it down because you don’t like sex, is very hurtful and is putting a huge burden on him that he was not meant to carry.

As 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 says:

The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

1 Corinthians 7:3-5

I’ve written before about this passage, including how often it’s women being deprived of sexual pleasure.

Read the Do Not Deprive Series:

Do Not Deprive: Are Women the Ones More Likely to Be Deprived?

Godly Sex is Mutual Sex!

Why We Need a New Definition of Sex

10 Times It’s Okay to Say No to Sex

When you cut off sexual intimacy, you often cut off any kind of real intimacy in your life

Sex requires a certain level of vulnerability, and many women don’t like that. We’d rather stay in control. Letting sex go by the wayside allows women to live life on their own terms, but marriage was never meant to be that way. It’s supposed to be about mutuality, and about a deep knowing. And sex is part of that.

When we forget sex, and choose only to do what’s on our own agenda, then life becomes very different and very self-focused–even if the things on your agenda are caring for other people. It’s life on  your own terms. God made us for rich intimacy and community.

I wrote a post a while ago about not settling for a dead sex life, and I guess what I’d ask is: Don’t you want more?

Are You Settling for a Dead Sex Life?

I talk to so many women who have just given up. Their libidos are low and they figure, “it’s not a big deal; sex is boring anyway.” So they live very ordered lives, with to do lists and responsibilities and tasks at hand. And they miss out on the passion!

They may think they’ve given themselves totally over to God–homeschooling their kids, keeping a nice house, serving at church–but if they’re running away from passion then it doesn’t have power.

Yes, people have issues with sex; I did, too! I’m not trying to belittle those issues. But I do believe that if we settle for that–if we say, “My sex life is just dead”–then we’re also, in a way, cutting ourselves off from a great big abundant life with God. You can’t cut yourself off from your sexuality; you were created to feel passion and to feel intimacy and to be able to totally let go. If you choose to run away from that, I believe that you will completely stifle your spiritual life, too.

Readers, that’s why I wrote The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex. If you’re a regular reader and you’re having issues with sex, there’s so much more in the book than there is on this blog. I’m glad you’re here, I really am. You don’t have to buy the book. But I wrote it to help people like you–I really did. If you haven’t ordered a copy of The Good Girl’s Guide to Sex yet, will you? And with Christmas coming up, it’s an easier and less awkward time to give a book like that to someone you know. Will you give it to a wife you know who is struggling? Or to a woman whose about to start her marriage (or who has just gotten married?) If we can get this stuff RIGHT–if we can start running towards passion instead of away from passion–I really think more than just our marriages will be transformed. Our faith will be transformed. Our churches will be transformed.

Because we’re alive again, and we’ve stopped keeping God out.

And that matters

.If you’re struggling with this, I urge you to read The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex to get the full perspective on what God made sex for, or check out my Boost Your Libido course to awaken your libido, maybe for the first time.

God made sex to be AWESOME!

It’s supposed to be great physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Feel like something’s missing?

Check out The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex!

And now I’d like to turn to another group of women:

For the women who are in toxic marriages and their husband is not safe emotionally

One woman I know decided to move into a separate bedroom because her marriage was emotionally toxic. She wasn’t ready to leave the marriage, for a variety of reasons, but she didn’t feel that they could be sexually intimate when he was being emotionally harmful. I completely understand that.

Other women have cut off sexual contact because husbands were involved in affairs, or were addicted to pornography. They refused to be used for sex when they weren’t the sole object of sexual pleasure and arousal.  Again, an understandable and valid response to sin.

However, I think there is still more that needs to be said.

A theme throughout Scripture is that God cares about the heart, not about appearances.

God famously said, when instructing Samuel to anoint David as king, that people look to appearances, but God looks to the heart. God doesn’t judge the way we do. He doesn’t care about what things look like on the outside; He cares about what’s really going on inside. Here are just a few examples:

God said that the widow’s mite was a better offering than the rich man’s offering, because she gave all she had. (Mark 12:41-44)

He told the Pharisees that what went into a person could not defile them, but instead that it’s what flows from our hearts that can defile us. (Matt 15:11)

He said that when we’re giving to charity, we shouldn’t “let the right hand know what the left hand is doing.” We shouldn’t announce it, but should do it secretly. It’s not about being known for being charitable; it’s about giving for the sake of giving. Similarly, when we pray, we shouldn’t do it so that everyone can see how amazing we are at doing our devotions. We should just do it without the need to Instagram it. (Okay, He didn’t say Instagram. But you know what I mean). (Matt 6:1-6)

Paul wrote that God uses the foolish things of the world to shame the wise. (1 Cor 1:27)

Maybe it’s time to the hard work of dealing with some stuff.

For some of you, that means figuring out how to make sex feel good, because it never has (and read this 2-part series by an anonymous reader who took 26 years of marriage to figure out how to finally have an orgasm–but then things clicked for her!). Maybe it means starting to see a marriage counselor about the issues in your marriage. Maybe it means being honest with kids about what is going on (especially if they’re older teens or adults) and not protecting your husband anymore.

God said that he prefers that we be hot or cold; He hates lukewarm. And I think that applies to marriage, too. Jesus is the Truth. So tell the truth about your marriage. If you are withholding sex because of a sin issue in your marriage, then admit that there is a sin issue, tell the appropriate people, and deal with it. If you are withholding sex because of your own issues, then remember that God is not pleased with that, either. Even if you are filling your life up with “altruistic” things like serving in church, or helping your kids, or having an important job, God still sees the state of your marriage. And He would rather you be honest about it.

When you cut off sexual intimacy, you often cut off any kind of real intimacy in your life.

(Click here to tweet this quote)

If you are going to separate, then separate, even if you have to stay under the same roof. Or make plans to address the block in your marriage. But please, don’t put your marriage in this permanent limbo, where you’re getting lots of benefits from marriage–reputation; status; income; home; purpose; identity–but at the same time you’re shutting your spouse out and you’re cutting yourself off from intimacy. That’s not helping anyone. And it’s trapping your spouse in a horrible situation where they have very little recourse.

I realize this is a hard post for many, because there are so many deep hurts going on in so many families. And in some cases, it isn’t safe to make big changes. But I do believe that living in this kind of limbo is not healthy for anyone.

Like this post so far? You should also check out:

When You Have No Libido

Why Do I Never Want to Say Yes When My Husband Initiates?

What Does It Really Mean to Be Attracted to Your Spouse?

Do We Understand What Rejection Does to Husbands?

So I’d love to hear what you think about withholding sex. Let’s talk in the comments!

Author


Social Media


Sheila's Best Posts


Books


Courses


Freebie






Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.


Find Sheila Here:

Facebook
Twitter
Instagram
YouTube
Pinterest



Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:

10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?



Check out some of Sheila's Books:

The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum



Check out Sheila's Courses:

The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course



Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!

PODCAST EXTRAS: The 9 Signs of Grooming Behavior for Sexual Abuse

I’m afraid that most of us don’t know the signs of grooming behavior when it comes to sexual abuse. 

I know I didn’t! But sexual abuse, especially in churches, has been in the news a lot lately, and I thought it was worth doing a post on recognizing grooming behaviors, because then we can be more aware ourselves if something fishy is going on, but also more vigilant for those around us.

But first, here’s the podcast.

 

Listen to the Podcast Here

Browse all the Different Podcasts

See the Last “Start Your Engines” (Men’s) Podcast

What are the Signs of Grooming?

In the podcast, I went over what grooming was. Essentially,

Grooming is a process in which a perpetrator gains a person’s trust, breaks down their defences and then begins to manipulate them for sexual purposes.

Essentially, they’re making people think that something that is not normal is totally normal and okay, and then they escalate from there. And specifically in this podcast I was using the church scenario, although the steps are common no matter what environment the abuse is in. I want to point out, too, that clergy sexual abuse is real and it’s wrong. In many states, it’s against the law for clergy to have a sexual relationship with a congregant because of the power differential, which I explained in this video about the Andy Savage case.

So, here are the nine grooming steps that I could identify:

Make yourself indispensable and trustworthy to the bystanders. A perpetrator starts by making themselves beyond suspicion. They’re skilled at learning how to deflect and how to simultaneously make themselves seem very spiritual.
Identify a victim. Sometimes this is opportunistic (people who come to see them in a certain setting), and sometimes they’ll seek out the marginalized.
Start doing odd things in public to see if others notice, and to acclimatize others to these things (eg. being very hands-on with children)
Form a bond with the victim by sharing something special 
Force an intimacy by sharing a secret or struggle
Move the encounters to a different place–ie. a different physical place, or progress to texting or social media
Break personal space boundaries, for instance by texting late at night or early in the morning
Break other boundaries, often regarding substance abuse (ie. offering alcohol or showing porn)
Confess a huge struggle and show the victim that you need them.

Throughout the podcast, I quoted several high profile cases that use all of these examples. You can read them here:

Rachael Denhollander and Larry Nassar–read Rachael’s book What Is a Girl Worth?

John Crist sexually harrassing and abusing women for years

Wes Feltner being accused of sexually abusing two young women in his youth group

Rev. Jervin Weekes getting his credentials removed for sexually grooming women in his congregation

Andy Savage–My initial story about him and my recent video about how Savage should not have a new church

I hope you listen in to the podcast and share it with others, because we need to learn how to recognize grooming behavior. These books are also awesome to help with this:

What Is a Girl Worth?


#WeToo

That was it for the podcast today! Let’s keep our churches safe places and be aware of what’s happening. Our churches will have more abusers than you’d normally expect to find in a group of people, not because Christians are more evil, but because we’re more trusting. And churches give great access to children, teenagers, and vulnerable women. So we need to be vigilant. We need to be wise. And we need to be discerning.

Would you add anything else to my list of grooming behaviors? Let’s talk in the comments!

Like this post? You may also appreciate:

How Churches Should Handle Sexual Abuse Allegations

The 9 Signs of Grooming Behavior for Sexual Abuse

I’m afraid that most of us don’t know the signs of grooming behavior when it comes to sexual abuse. 

I know I didn’t! But sexual abuse, especially in churches, has been in the news a lot lately, and I thought it was worth doing a post on recognizing grooming behaviors, because then we can be more aware ourselves if something fishy is going on, but also more vigilant for those around us.

But first, here’s the podcast.

 

Listen to the Podcast Here

Browse all the Different Podcasts

See the Last “Start Your Engines” (Men’s) Podcast

What are the Signs of Grooming?

In the podcast, I went over what grooming was. Essentially,

Grooming is a process in which a perpetrator gains a person’s trust, breaks down their defences and then begins to manipulate them for sexual purposes.

Essentially, they’re making people think that something that is not normal is totally normal and okay, and then they escalate from there. And specifically in this podcast I was using the church scenario, although the steps are common no matter what environment the abuse is in. I want to point out, too, that clergy sexual abuse is real and it’s wrong. In many states, it’s against the law for clergy to have a sexual relationship with a congregant because of the power differential, which I explained in this video about the Andy Savage case.

So, here are the nine grooming steps that I could identify:

Make yourself indispensable and trustworthy to the bystanders. A perpetrator starts by making themselves beyond suspicion. They’re skilled at learning how to deflect and how to simultaneously make themselves seem very spiritual.
Identify a victim. Sometimes this is opportunistic (people who come to see them in a certain setting), and sometimes they’ll seek out the marginalized.
Start doing odd things in public to see if others notice, and to acclimatize others to these things (eg. being very hands-on with children)
Form a bond with the victim by sharing something special 
Force an intimacy by sharing a secret or struggle
Move the encounters to a different place–ie. a different physical place, or progress to texting or social media
Break personal space boundaries, for instance by texting late at night or early in the morning
Break other boundaries, often regarding substance abuse (ie. offering alcohol or showing porn)
Confess a huge struggle and show the victim that you need them.

Throughout the podcast, I quoted several high profile cases that use all of these examples. You can read them here:

Rachael Denhollander and Larry Nassar–read Rachael’s book What Is a Girl Worth?

John Crist sexually harrassing and abusing women for years

Wes Feltner being accused of sexually abusing two young women in his youth group

Rev. Jervin Weekes getting his credentials removed for sexually grooming women in his congregation

Andy Savage–My initial story about him and my recent video about how Savage should not have a new church

I hope you listen in to the podcast and share it with others, because we need to learn how to recognize grooming behavior. These books are also awesome to help with this:

What Is a Girl Worth?


#WeToo

That was it for the podcast today! Let’s keep our churches safe places and be aware of what’s happening. Our churches will have more abusers than you’d normally expect to find in a group of people, not because Christians are more evil, but because we’re more trusting. And churches give great access to children, teenagers, and vulnerable women. So we need to be vigilant. We need to be wise. And we need to be discerning.

Would you add anything else to my list of grooming behaviors? Let’s talk in the comments!

Like this post? You may also appreciate:

How Churches Should Handle Sexual Abuse Allegations

Our Soul Ties Series: Do You Form Soul Ties By Having Sex with Somebody?

Does having sex with somebody mean that you have a soul tie with them–a spiritual bond that is hard to break?

This month at To Love, Honor and Vacuum we’re doing our Wednesday series on soul ties and emotional bonds, because it’s a topic that seems to come up a lot in Christian circles that I worry is hurting people trying to form an intimate marriage.

Last week I introduced the concept of soul ties, talking about what soul ties are, and what Christians usually mean when we talk about soul ties. And I concluded by saying that while demonic forces can get a foothold in your life when you open yourself up for it, we shouldn’t make it sound like Christians are hopelessly caught in the past, tied to a past lover and unable to move on without an exorcism, which isn’t biblical and which makes Christianity sound more like voodoo.

To sum up last week’s post:

Yes, sometimes there is battle we need to do in the spiritual realm.
But, no, I do not believe that there is biblical evidence that when we have sex we form a soul tie, or spiritual bond, that is not dealt with by Jesus on the cross and that  we then have to go out of our way to break.
Sometimes broken hearts are simply broken hearts.

Some relationships can have huge effects on our emotional health and wholeness going forward, and healing does need to take place.

Sometimes we’ve become so emotionally enmeshed with someone (either romantically or sexually or in some other way) that our happiness is tied up in what that person does. Breaking that emotional bond is important. But having sex, in and of itself, does not necessarily wound you spiritually, and I think we’d do better if we got over this idea that we’re bonded with a whole bunch of past lovers–or that our spouse is bonded and thus we can’t have a completely intimate marriage.

So let’s lay this out:

A soul tie, as it is generally explained in Christian circles that promote the idea, is a bond that is unwittingly formed in the spiritual realm between two people, often with both being unaware. That bond is usually formed through sexual activity. It can hinder people’s ability to lead a full life later on if the relationship is broken, and the soul tie must then be broken in the spiritual realm as well, through prayer, repentance, and/or deliverance.

An emotional bond is a bond that is formed through intentional action–through a person basing their happiness on another person’s actions. This bond is often romantic in nature, but not exclusively. Emotional bonds can be formed with family members, lovers, boyfriends/girlfriends, even children. We feel the bond deeply, and if we become too invested in the bond, it can hinder our ability to lead a full life.

Do you see the difference? A soul tie, in the way that it is commonly explained, may be formed even if the two people are completely unaware and even if the two people didn’t mean very much to each other. I’ve even heard it taught that sexual abuse forms soul ties that the victim then has to break.

An emotional bond, on the other hand, is formed because of deliberate or intentional steps that we took. We’re aware of the bond, and there’s nothing sinister about it except that it can have devastating consequences (as we’ll talk about next week with past boyfriends/girlfriends or lovers, and the following week with children).

The problem I have with soul ties is that the idea keeps people in bondage who have no reason to be there. 

By saying that sex automatically causes this big soul tie that then has to be deliberately broken or else you’re hampered the rest of your life–well, there really isn’t a biblical basis for that, but it also really hurts people. And, in my experience, it hasn’t been true.

Can sex form a spiritual bond? Yes, I believe it can. There is some persistent sin where we do give the devil a foothold, and where we do need some help to defeat a stronghold in our lives. And when sex is combined with an emotional bond, I think there can be an incredibly intricate bond between two people that is difficult to break (more on that next week!).

But today I want to talk about the other side of it: Sometimes sex is just sex, and we don’t need to make more of it than it is.

I wrote a post two years ago on how to stop obsessing about your husband’s past lovers. In that post, I was addressing a question a woman had. She had been at premarital counseling with her husband, and this had happened:

One day there was a couple leaving before us and he was staring at the girl and as soon as we walked in he said, “I don’t know if this is the right time to say anything, but I dated that girl. Nothing serious, only three dates.” I felt really uncomfortable. I asked if he had sex with her. He said he had. I was devastated! I can’t go to that counsellor anymore. How could he go on 3 dates and have sex? I don’t know how to heal I don’t know how to move on! I don’t want to ruin a great marriage over stuff that happened before he knew me. I pray all the time!

So her husband had had sex with this woman, and hadn’t considered it a big deal. And now she was torturing herself with it and couldn’t get over it.

In this scenario, who is the one suffering from the bond? The now-husband who had sex with this woman and never thinks about her, or the wife who is obsessing over it? it seems to me that what has happened is that the wife has actually formed an emotional bond with this ex-girlfriend, to the extent that she is allowing the ex-girlfriend to impact her marital happiness. And it has to stop (and I give a detailed explanation of how that can happen in the post getting over jealousy of your husband’s past).

But many people have reported being hampered by this idea of soul ties. Here are two comments from last week’s post, taken from the blog and from Facebook:

This concept of “soul ties” was used to spiritually abuse me. I was told by a past spiritual leader that I wasn’t free to be myself because I was hindered by the broken pieces of other people’s souls that I was carrying around. I was made to confess intimate details about all of my relationships and pray to “release” their soul back to them and ask God to bring my soul back to me.

I was a virgin.

After leaving that church I started researching this concept of “soul ties” and when exactly it started being taught in the church and by who. Long research story short, it’s a New Age concept that has leaked into the church, planted really, and is being used to oppress Christians. I am not convinced our souls can be tied with other people, let alone fractured. I’ve had a lot of out of context verses thrown at me. I’m still not convinced.

The whole “soul tie” concept was one I heard when I was younger too. I was a virgin when I married and my husband was not. Before he became a believer, he would do sexual things with girlfriends. After becoming a believer, he could see how he was just looking to those relationships to satisfy himself and not because he actually loved those girls. So one day we talked about the “soul tie” concept and I asked him if he felt that connection with those women. When he said no, it was hard to believe because it had been so ingrained that you definitely had a “soul tie” if you had sex before marriage. So this concept I think hindered ME in our marriage from feeling secure because it made me so insecure that I wasn’t his first soul tie and that he probably needed to work on getting over others. It really held me back from just loving him. I felt like I had to earn his love in a way since I wasn’t the first woman in his life. Not because of him but because of this concept! Looking back now, it’s just so silly! The old is gone, the new has come for my husband and that’s the truth I hold onto.

Are there problems with sex being “just sex”?

Yes, I think there are–just not necessarily of the soul tie variety. God made sex to be intimate physically, spiritually, and emotionally. You’re supposed to feel like one. You’re supposed to feel close.

When you have sex without commitment, and you make it just about the body, then you’re teaching yourself to respond sexually to only the physicality of sex, and not intimacy. You separate intimacy from sex, and that can have repercussions later when you marry and you can be intimate, but that’s no longer seen as “sexy”. That’s one of the reasons that God wants us to wait for marriage for sex. Then sex can be everything God intended, all wrapped up in one package, and we haven’t distorted it or stretched it beyond recognition. Sometimes those with promiscuous pasts do have trouble feeling intimate during sex.

But sometimes they don’t. I have known so many people who have slept with others before they married, and are overjoyed at their sex lives once they are married, because it feels worlds different. It’s now about love. And they actually feel like they were virgins on their wedding night because THIS is what it was supposed to be.

My big message today about soul ties?

Don’t make your marriage more complicated than it needs to be. If there’s sexual baggage, of course you should deal with it, and at times that will need a licensed counselor. If there are emotional bonds that need to be dealt with, then deal with them. If there’s a history of major promiscuity that is making it difficult for sex to be intimate, and if your spouse can only get aroused with things you consider gross, and seems to distance himself (or herself) emotionally during sex, then there likely are things to work on with regards to someone’s sexual past. Some of that work may need to involve prayer and confession and an acknowledgement that you’ve let the devil get a foothold, and some of it may simply be learning what sex was supposed to be like, and taking things slowly and relearning intimacy. And a great way to do that is with 31 Days to Great Sex!

Need to reconnect with your husband in a FUN way?

31 Days to Great Sex helps you flirt, be more affectionate, talk–and especially spice things up!

No blaming. Just solutions–and a whole lot of fun!

Let's try it!

But let’s not add to the complications we already have in marriage by assuming that anyone who has had sex before they were married has demonic forces at work that require elaborate prayers in just the right way to break. And let’s especially not heap that onto sexual abuse victims, who are already suffering trauma. For sure, seek out qualified, licensed help, but don’t heap extra shame on yourself.

Look, if the devil is at work, there will be signs. But often it’s not the devil. It’s just our own emotions and thought patterns that we haven’t submitted to Christ. And in that case, the best route is to practice taking every thought captive.

And sometimes there are no signs at all. Sometimes you marry someone with a past, or you have a bit of a past, and things are actually going pretty well. So rejoice in that! Don’t throw yourself and your marriage into a turmoil because you believe there are some big bonds that need to be broken.

So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed. (John 8:36)

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. (Galatians 5:1).

When you know Jesus, you are free. Your husband is free. Don’t let others put you in slavery to fears about invisible soul ties when, without those fears, you’d be living a full life. Live that full life. Rejoice!

It is for freedom that Christ has set you free.

What do you think? Have you ever let fears about “soul ties” hold your marriage back? Let’s talk in the comments!

Found this post helpful? You might also enjoy:

10 Reasons Not to Kiss Dating Good-bye

10 Things That Scare Me About the Purity Culture

Is the Purity Culture Making Women Ashamed of their Bodies?

10 Trends I’m Watching in the Purity Culture

What to Do When You’re Dreading Your Birthday

Sometimes life is just hard. And it’s often birthdays and holidays that mark the passage of time, and remind us when life isn’t going as planned.

I write most of the posts on this blog, but I have a small team behind me. Rebecca (my daughter) writes a ton, moderates comments, and does a lot of the product development. Connor (my son-in-law) does all the technical stuff and the SEO, which is a huge help because I don’t have to panic about it. Tammy (my long-time friend) answers all my emails, books all my speaking, and in general just makes sure stuff is running. Emily does the formatting. Rochelle does some research.

And then there’s Joanna, who is my main researcher, but who is also co-authoring our upcoming book with Rebecca and me. She’s been a godsend to the blog.

She’s also had a rough year, and tomorrow is her birthday. She asked if she could share some thoughts she had, and I thought that these may resonate with some of you. So here’s Joanna, on the last day that she’s 28:

A lot of the time, when we’re ready to talk about the hard things in our lives, it’s nice to have a lesson and tie it up with a bow.

But today, I need to give a bit of a lament, as I’m working my way through the valley.

Tomorrow is my 29th birthday! I’m ready(?) to say hello to the last year in my 20s. I love birthdays and Christmas and all opportunities for gift giving and celebration, so I was surprised when I realized last week that I’m, quite frankly, dreading my birthday.

The Paris attack happened a few years ago on my birthday and my husband was out of town so I was alone, watching the news, and feeling hurt that terrorists had stolen my special day from me. It was le crappy.

But this feels different.

Part of it is that I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer on the day after my birthday last year (I then got to watch my favorite show and play my favorite board game with Rebecca, Connor, and my husband, Josiah, so it was better than it could have been). And that anniversary is definitely part of my birthday dread. But I don’t think that’s all, or even MOST, of it.

2019 has not gone entirely to plan, you see.

We’ve had some amazing things – my book deal with Rebecca and Sheila ranks very high, but the biggest joy is our 20 month old who is all sweetness and light and amazes us with how much she is learning and growing.

But my big hope for this year was that we’d have our second baby. I’m 20 months older than my brother and I really wanted kids close in age. Plus, I needed fertility help to conceive my daughter, so I didn’t want to wait and regret it later.

We were thrilled in April when we found out we were expecting and everything went beautifully (easier than it had with my daughter) until June 13, when I woke up with cramps in the wee hours of the morning and miscarried. We didn’t know it at the time, but I have a bleeding disorder and so once the miscarriage started, I began to bleed profusely. I knew Keith was around so I considered calling him, but then I suggested phoning 911. My husband told me that if that’s your instinct, you call. I’m so glad the ambulance came because if we had delayed, I could very easily have bled to death or have had severe long term effects from blood loss.

By the time I reached the hospital, I was in hypovolemic shock and I had a bp of 52/26. (Keith and Sheila came to be with us in the ER – Keith showed me where the sick bags are and kept my family in the loop about my care as I gave the doctors a bit of a scare, and Sheila kept me company for hours while Josiah sorted out childcare for our toddler. They were a huge help to us on a truly horrible day.)

We’ve done a lot of healing since then, but it’s been especially hard since I haven’t managed to get pregnant again.

I’m on medication because of my cancer, and that could be causing the problems, and I’ve been referred to a fertility center, but the fact remains that the 2 year-ish gap between kids I’d always dreamed of is simply not going to happen. Hopefully I’ll be able to get help soon, but still, this isn’t the way I wanted it to happen.

It’s been a lot for us to process – the not being pregnant, the miscarriage, the bleeding disorder, the coming scarily close to bleeding to death on the vinyl floor of my foyer… all of it.

Plus, I’d really wanted to have another baby before I turned 30, and I realized that that was getting in the way of my enjoying my upcoming birthday – I feel the clock ticking.

I know what you’re thinking – why does this matter? What’s the difference between 29 and 9 months and 30 and 0 months? The answer, of course, is nothing. But it’s been a very interesting journey to do some thinking about WHY this is bothering me SO MUCH. (Quite frankly, I’m upset more than I ought to be.)

It’s wrapped up in a lot, and I’ve been able to process the whys. And a lot of the time, that helps. But sometimes it doesn’t.

Sometimes life is just hard. And it’s often birthdays and holidays that mark the passage of time, and remind us when life isn’t going as planned.

(Click here to tweet this quote)

Sometimes, I just feel very disappointed.

Our daughter is more than enough for us, and our family will be full and wonderful if she’s the only child we ever have. Having one baby is more than many folks who deal with infertility can boast, so I’m trying really hard to count my blessings and to focus on the good things in my life. I’m celebrating with the people in my life who are expecting. I’m doing my very, very best. But I’m still sad about my birthday and I don’t like it.

Here’s the deal – I’m a huge believer in rejoicing with those who rejoice. I believe in doing hard things. I remind myself regularly to “suck it up, buttercup.” But I’m also learning to sort out what is MINE to do and what is NOT. I’m also learning about being honest with myself AND with other people about how I’m feeling. So here’s my plan of attack as my birthday approaches.

A spring walk last year–that’s Keith in the background!

1. Focus on a happy thing coming soon

Right now, that’s Thanksgiving (I’m an American living in Canada, and we’ll be heading back to Pennsylvania for the holidays!)! We’ll be having a friends-giving (35 years running) and then will be hosting a bunch of extended family. Plus, my husband saved up his vacation days so he can take the whole week off, so we’ll have time to relax, visit friends, and get some R&R. Having something to look forward to is really helping me.

2. Be honest with how I’m feeling

It’s okay to be sad. I try to rush through bad emotions because I don’t want to wallow, but I’m learning to make space for the hard things and not to push them aside. This isn’t what I wanted and it’s hard. So I’m going to be sad, if I need to be sad.

3. Count my blessings

Because yeah, its hard. And no, it is NOT fair that I got a cancer diagnosis, a bleeding disorder diagnosis, a miscarriage, infertility, and severe allergies in my baby which forced me to rehome my beloved bunny all in about a year. Not fun. But my suffering is a pittance compared to the difficulties other folks I know are dealing with and they do it with a lot of grace. I’m doing my best to remember how much I have in my life to be thankful for.

4. Remember & be grateful

The big reason I’ve been particular about my age at childbearing is that my grandmother died when I was 10.

I know that’s out of left field, so let me explain. Grandma came to live with us when I was 6 and she was one of my primary caregivers until her death. I’m named after her – she was Joann Amelia (get it? Take the “a” from Amelia and you have my name) and I still miss her a lot. Her death feels unfair to me – she was super sick for 30+ years, right up until her death at 67 and really, I feel like she should still be here. I wish she could have met my baby girl and talked to me about my book. I wish I’d had her wisdom as I grew to be a teenager. I was old enough at the time that I remember it all – her coming to live with us, her illness, her death, everything. I remember. And I’m terrified that my kids won’t remember, that they won’t have their grandparents or their parents for as long as they need them. While I KNOW that isn’t logical or likely, a lot of my emotions swirl around that deep fear.

So when my mom asked me what I want to do for my birthday when we’re home for Thanksgiving, it was pretty easy – I want to see Mrs. Bailey in New Wilmington and I want to visit my grandmother who is still living, who I call Nanny.

Mrs. Bailey is in her mid-eighties and she is a paragon of moral courage. SHE MOUTH PIPETTED POLIO VIRUS TO HELP JONAS SALK DEVELOP THE POLIO VACCINE. She literally risked her life by sucking polio-containing liquid up into a straw so that she could save the world. AND THEN SHE DID. Then she became a missionary and lived in the middle east for decades and taught microbiology in Arabic and she is my hero. Nanny got a job offer to work at a very-important-government-agency but turned it down so she could be with her kids. She had 9 in 11 years – no multiples! She’s a hero and she’s the actual BEST with babies. I can’t wait to see her and to enjoy my daughter’s joy at having some special time with her great-grandmother.

I don’t get to have my Grandma. But I do get Mrs. Bailey and I have Nanny. We won’t have them forever, so this year, I’m so glad that we can make the drive with my mom and my baby so that we can all enjoy each other for awhile. I’ll remember my grandma in heaven, the grandma who is holding my precious baby who we never got to hold, and I know that she and my other loved ones who are with Jesus are looking after our little one. And I’ll be thankful for the gift that Mrs. Bailey & Nanny are to us here.

So now that I’ve made my confession of definitely-not-being-totally-fine-with-this-no-pregnancy-situation let me ask you for a favor.

What I’d really like for my birthday, is for you to help me find women to do our survey on marital and sexual satisafaction. I know, LAME BIRTHDAY REQUEST! Except, of course, it isn’t. I really want for our survey to be as inclusive as possible and have a diverse cross section of women from different backgrounds and experiences – so we need to share it! If it’s just all people who read the blog, that’s a lot less powerful than if we’re getting people who you know!

And yes, I did give myself a treat today while my daughter was napping and let myself calculate one statistic from the survey. It was super fast and *I let myself do it by hand because it would be more fun.* THAT is the depth of my nerd-dom. It’s terrifying. So seriously, if you help me find people to do my survey, I will feel so happy!

So here’s my wish list

Take the survey!
Send the link to 5 of your friends (just click through and copy the URL)
Share the link to the survey on social media (

www.research.net/r/tolovehonorandvacuum)

We could easily get to 10,000 responses today (we’re almost there!) if everyone reading this did that. And that would give me something else to smile about for my birthday!

How have you handled milestones that you’ve reached when life hasn’t gone as planned? Any thoughts for Joanna today? Let’s talk in the comments!

Like this post? You may also appreciate:

Grief: You Don’t Just Get Over It

Why I’m Okay 20 Years After My Son Died

Does the Way We Talk about Women’s Libidos Make Women Have No Libido?

Personally, I think women’s libidos is largely in our heads. As in, what we think about libido determines our libido.

So what is it that we’re told to think?

Well, let’s do a comparison here.

Decades ago, boys took a lot of math and did most of the math jobs.

Now, I’m about to say something controversial here, but I just want to use this as an illustration, and I’m not trying to make a political point. So don’t get too mad, okay?

We do know, from population studies and tests, that males are marginally better at math than females overall (the bell curve for boys and math tends to be wider than for girls, meaning that there are marginally more male math geniuses, but also more male math dunces. But for both sexes, the vast majority fall in the middle). And individual females can certainly be better than individual males (just watch the awesome movie Hidden Figures. Seriously. It’s great.).

Therefore, we know that, if everything were left to pure biology and not to culture, in general men and women would perform pretty much equally at math. While the very few math geniuses would be more likely to be male, both men and women would do well at math, and could certainly have careers in math.

But what happened for decades, even centuries, was that girls were told, “you’re not good at math. You don’t like math.”

And so girls didn’t tend to take math. They took English. They took languages. They studied history and philosophy. And the boys took math.

It wasn’t that the girls weren’t good at math. They just weren’t interested in math. They didn’t see math as important to them. They believed that they couldn’t “get” math. And so they left it alone.

Then we started talking differently about math to girls. We told girls, “you can do math! Math is fun!”

When they came out with a Barbie a few years ago that said, “Math is hard!”, education heads exploded all over the world, and the Barbie was quickly recalled. Girls started to believe, “math is for me, too!” And more and more girls take math today.

What’s the difference?

We stopped talking about math as if it were only for boys, and we started talking about math as if it were for girls, too.

Biologically, that’s the correct message. Sure, there may be marginally more male math super-geniuses, but in general, girls are just as good at math. Yet if we had simply continued to talk about math as if it were only for boys, would girls be taking math today? (I understand there are still more boys than girls in STEM, but it is changing).

UPDATE: Please see addendum at the bottom of this post

Now, let’s leave math for a second and turn back to libido. The overlapping bell curves with libido are more pronounced than with math–men, biologically, do tend to have higher libidos than women. (With math, there’s much closer overlap). However, that doesn’t mean that women don’t have libidos! It just means that in population studies, worldwide, women don’t tend to have as high a libido as men do.

But just because men have higher libidos in general, that doesn’t mean that women don’t have libidos. 

However, how have we talked about libido?

We talk as if it’s all or nothing–men want sex and women don’t. Best-selling marriage books like Love & Respect talk about sex as being only about a husband’s physical release, and don’t even mention a wife wanting sex. Doesn’t even come into play one iota. Women’s libidos are completely ignored.

What is the effect of ignoring of women’s libidos on women’s actual libidos?

Like with math, if women grow up hearing, “Men want sex but women don’t,” how will women tend to think of themselves?

I’m a woman, so I don’t really want sex or like sex. I certainly don’t need sex.

Is it any wonder that many women suffer from low libido?

​And what has the response been from those writing about sex and marriage?

They simply reinforce the stereotype, which makes everything worse. 

I was browsing through the book His Needs, Her Needs recently, which has been another best-selling marriage book for almost three decades now. It says, very clearly, that for men sex is a felt need, while for women it is not. It talks about how men just need sex more than women do, and how most women could take it or leave it. In his book, the “first thing she can’t do without” is affection, and the “first thing he can’t do without” is sex. Now, I do believe that for most women, affection is by far the greater felt need than sex, and for most men, sex is the greater felt need. However, to frame sex as being a man’s need, and not a woman’s need, just reinforces this whole problem. That’s why, in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I explained in detail the benefits of sex for the woman, and why we need to make more of an effort–not just for his sake, but for our sake, too!

God made sex to be AWESOME!

It’s supposed to be great physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Feel like something’s missing?

Check out The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex!

Even though Willard Harley, the author of His Needs, Her Needs, spent a long time telling couples how to make sure she’s physically satisfied, the reason given for this was not even for her benefit! It was for the husband’s benefit. He ends the chapter saying this:

Many women don’t understand their own sexuality well enough to know how to enjoy meeting a husband’s compelling need for sex. In order to satisfy her husband sexually a wife must also feel satisfied.

Willard Harley

His Needs, Her Needs

So her satisfaction is still ultimately about him. Does anyone else find that odd?

Is it healthy to downplay women’s libidos if you want Christian marriages to thrive?

Sure, most women may report that they have no libidos. But we know that biologically there’s no reason that women can’t desire sex, too. Just because men may desire sex more does not mean that women can’t desire sex.

But if libido for women is largely determined by how we think about sex, then how does reinforcing this “men want sex but women don’t” message help marriages?

When educators realized that girls weren’t going into math, despite most girls having great propensity for math, they did something about it. They started talking about math as something that girls could enjoy and master, too. They didn’t reinforce a negative stereotype; they worked to break it.

Why, in the Christian world, do we instead reinforce a stereotype about libido that does nobody any good?

Why don’t we simply talk about sex the way that it was intended–where it would be part of an intimate, passionate relationship that satisfied both people in the marriage?

For more on this:

There Should Be Fireworks: Why Women’s Sexual Pleasure Matters
Can We Talk About Men’s Sexual Needs in a Healthy Way
Could the “Do Not Deprive” Verses Apply to Women, too?
Why We Need a New Definition of Sex

A guy named Scott left an interesting comment on the blog a while ago. This is part of what he said:

My wife has read a ton of “romance novels”, and for a while I just assumed the problem was that I can’t compete against the likes of Jamie Fraser [from the Outlander books] (because I can’t, seriously). Instead, I think the bigger problem is my wife comparing herself to Claire Fraser and assuming herself to be broken/not sexual!

Scott, Commenter on the blog

I think he’s spot on. This is less a comment on Outlander (and it’s not an endorsement of Outlander), but continuing with his thought: in the books, Claire is highly sexual. She wants sex as much as her husband does, and she enjoys sex. Women reading this can feel demoralized in their sex lives–not because their husband isn’t a Scottish 18th century hunk, but because they don’t picture themselves as sexual.

Many women simply think that we aren’t sexual beings, and Christian books and speakers need to stop reinforcing this.

Yes, more men than women consider sex a felt need. Yes, more men than women have higher sex drives. But that does not mean that women aren’t sexual at all, or that we don’t have libidos; and it also doesn’t mean that we can’t talk about the issue in a more biblical, mutual way. And if you’re struggling with this, my Boost Your Libido course can help!

 

Are you TIRED of always being too tired for sex?

Do you yearn to actually WANT to make love–and figure out what all the fuss is about?

There is a way! And in this 10-module course I take you through what libido is (it may surprise you!), what affects libido, and how we can reclaim the excitement that God made us for.

Tell me more!

Maybe if we started talking about libido the way that we started talking about math, we’d change things.

Let’s stop reinforcing a stereotype that hurts everyone, and let’s start calling out how God actually created us.

Girls can be good at math just like boys, and women can enjoy sex just like men can. Personally, I think the reason Outlander was such a huge success (again, not an endorsement) is not because Jamie was hunky but because women desperately, desperately want to be like Claire. So let’s show women that they can be! Let’s talk about that as if it’s the norm. Let’s help girls grow up expecting that they will enjoy sex and like sex, rather than talking about sex as being all for men, and men as being all about lust, and women as being all about temptresses. Women aren’t the gatekeepers of men’s sexuality; women have sexuality, too! And if we talked about that, I think we’d do a lot better, for everyone.

What do you think? Is this “men need sex but women don’t” the message you grew up hearing? What effect did that have on you? Have you read other books that reinforced this message? Let’s talk in the comments!

This is going to be post #1 in a 3-part mini-series. I have some other posts I need to run in the meantime, but on Friday I’ll talk about why sex should be a vital part of marriage, and women need to see it that way. And then on Monday we’ll talk about what to do if you just find sex off-putting.

UPDATE: So my husband read this and then shot me a text to say that I was totally wrong about the math stuff! I was basing it on some studies that we learned in university that have since been debunked. He sent me this link to a Quirks and Quarks podcast that he listened to recently talking about women’s brains and science, and how there actually isn’t a difference. And on Twitter and in the comments other people shared his really cool link from NPR about women’s brains. So super cool! That’s really neat that that’s been debunked.

So let’s think this through again. For centuries women WERE just as good as men at math, but they were told they didn’t like math, so they believed it and it became a self-fulfilling prophecy. With libido, men tend to have higher felt libidos, but it’s not like the average guy is at 100 and the average woman is at 0. No, the average guy is at 80 and the average woman is at 60. She still has a libido! And many, many women have higher libidos than their husbands! But when we tell women, “you don’t want sex”, we suppress what is natural in them. And it needs to stop.

I was totally wrong about math. But I stand by what I said about libido!

Why We Need to Rethink Automatic Bible College & 22-Year-Old Youth Pastors

What if the way churches are hiring youth pastors is hurting our youth and hurting our youth pastors?

This is going to be a long one. My girls and I have been talking about this for years, as they have watched friends go the Bible college/youth pastor route, and we have seen some things that we find concerning. And so I want to share all of that in one post.

Last week I shared about how Andy Savage, who sexually assaulted Jules Woodson when he was her youth pastor, should not be allowed back in the pulpit, and I firmly believe that. This week news broke about senior pastor Wes Feltner of Berean Baptist Church, who is accused of sexually abused two 18-year-old youth group members 17 years ago when he was their youth pastor. This is rampant.

But I also feel as if this could have been avoided if churches used different criteria for hiring youth pastors. So let’s talk about that today.

Ready? Here we go.

Why Bible College needs to stop being the default

I have seen so many bright, talented young people go to unaccredited Bible colleges where they wracked up debt without being prepared for a well-paying job because the attitude in the church and in the family was: “If you love God, you’ll go to Bible college.”

I’m not just talking about Christian universities, which may offer normal degrees. I mean the Bible college route where the only job route available to you will be worship leading, children’s pastoring, youth pastoring, or missions. I’m not against those jobs, by the way. But I do think the way we train for them, and the expectation that if you’re serious about God you’ll go there, is setting the Christian community up for a world of hurt. Here’s why:

You’re not equipped to earn a good living

Bible college doesn’t train you for anything other than church employment, which, in general, doesn’t pay very well. Ironically, though, those who go to Bible college tend to be the most stringently in favour of the traditional family situation (dad works, mom stays at home). I have seen so many boys especially graduate from Bible college with no real training that counts in the real world, only able to get internship jobs that pay pittance in churches, married to women who really want to stay at home. And now they’re stuck because they need her income. I’ve also seen many women with high paying jobs, like nursing and teaching, married to these men who can’t get a full-time job. They want to have a family, but they’re really struggling.

It’s not as if you can’t serve God in other capacities, either. My husband serves God everyday in his role as a physician. Joanna’s husband Josiah serves God in his role as a lawyer, helping people through really difficult times in their lives. I know so many Christian teachers who serve God in the public school system, going above and beyond for their students. And then you can still lead small groups, volunteer at youth groups, or serve on a worship team. We need to think beyond the church walls when it comes to Christian service.

[UPDATE: After some comments have come in, I want to add something. I do think that Bible colleges can be a great route to actually learn the Bible, and I encourage short programs that help you do that. I’m just uncomfortable with pushing young people towards it as their career path.]

You continue life in a bubble

When my girls were 18 I basically pushed them out of the house. I never framed it that way, but I told them, “you guys are going away for school.” And they did. They moved 3 hours away to go to university, where they lived with roommates, had to buy their own groceries and pay their own bills, had to navigate public transportation, and had to manage a heavy courseload, all at the same time. It helped them grow up, but it also helped them feel capable, like they could survive in the real world.

On our way to drop Katie at university when she was 18!

When kids leave their comfortable church home and head off to Bible college, which often has rules that are even stricter than those they’d face at home, and where they’re living in a dorm, then they simply continue the life they already know. They aren’t stretched beyond their comfort zone. They don’t actually know what the real world is like, and they don’t often have natural interactions with non-Christians, unless it’s specifically to evangelize them.

You often marry before you’ve ever had to make any decisions that stretch you out of your comfort zone

Many of these young people who are continuing in the Christian bubble then choose a spouse while at Bible college. I believe that getting married before you’ve ever had to make some serious decisions that are outside your comfort zone can bode badly in the future. This isn’t against marrying young–I married at 21, and both my girls married at 20. I’m just saying that it’s important to get outside of your limited social circle and outside of your bubble so that you can figure out who you are, on your own, first, before you make a major commitment. It’s also important to get some perspective on the types of people who are out there, and how your bubble is not all that there is.

We need to think beyond the church walls when it comes to Christian service.

(Click here to tweet this quote)

Girls especially can often more easily find marriage partners OUTSIDE of the Bible college bubble

Bible colleges tend to be 60%-75% female. In contrast, the InterVaristy Christian Fellowship group where my girls attended at the secular University of Ottawa was pretty much 50/50. If girls are going to Bible college hoping to find a husband, many are going to be disappointed. And going to a secular university does not mean that you don’t have a Christian peer group. My main peer group at Queen’s University was our Christian campus group (that’s where I met Keith). Rebecca met Connor at their Christian campus group. And students at secular universities who go out of their way to join a Christian campus group are often incredibly serious about their faith.

In summary: we do our committed, Christian youth a disservice when we push them towards the Bible college route

If kids honestly choose it, I have no problem with that at all. But I have also been in social circles where the assumption has been: If you truly love God, you’ll go to Bible college. This does not always work out well for these kids, who aren’t always encouraged to grow up and spread their wings, and who are seriously limited in job opportunities.

 

Now let’s turn to the other side of the problem:

Why we should not put our youth under the care of 22-year-old Bible college graduates

We have a crisis right now of Generation Z kids walking away from the faith. We saw it with millennials; it’s accelerating now. We need to get real about this. And I think much of it can be linked to the way we structure youth groups.

Many youth are savvier than many young Bible college graduates

Think about it–the intellectually curious kids, the ones who want real answers to the problem of pain; who don’t believe the earth is only 6000 years old; who wrestle with the ethics of abortion or euthanasia and can see a case being made for it in some situations; who wonder whether the Democrats may have a point about some things–they’re talking to Bible college graduates who have often not been well trained in how to answer these questions with honesty. Sure, they know the “official” answers that they think are sufficient. But many (not all) have not grappled with these questions the way that our youth have. After all, they’re the ones who LIKED the Christian bubble enough to continue to live in the Christian bubble. So they haven’t necessarily been part of peer groups who have rigorously challenged them. It makes them seem very out of touch and even immature to many of the youth in their youth groups.

I mean no disrespect to 22-year-old youth pastors here, either. I know many who are very mature. But to expect a 22-year-old who may never have had his faith seriously challenged intellectually to be the best mentor for an 18-year-old who is headed for an elite college is a stretch.

And then there are the youth coming from dysfunctional family situations, with issues far beyond what many 22-year-olds are equipped to handle. The youth pastors see far more of the underbelly of our families than any other employee in a church, and yet they also often have the least real-world experience with this stuff.

The temptation for sexual abuse is far too high

When I was 18 I dated someone who was 24. When Rebecca was 18, she dated two different guys who were 23 and 24 respectively. It is not uncommon for mature senior high school girls to date older guys. When you have a single youth pastor, then, spending all of his time with the youth, it’s only natural that he may find a girl really attractive. And that just isn’t kosher. He can’t date a girl in his youth group. There’s too much power imbalance there, and it’s wrong. And it makes sexual assault all too easy, as I talked about last week with Andy Savage.

But it’s not just single guys who are the problem. I know of a situation where a young married youth pastor still groomed a youth group member and later sexually abused her (though, of course, everyone felt it was consensual, because people don’t understand the power dynamics there). Many young married couples do not go through a happy “honeymoon stage“, as I’ve talked about. If you’re having difficulties with sex with your new wife, and you’re then surrounded by mature high school girls who hang on your words, it can be all too tempting to use the power and influence you have to abuse one of them (or more of them).

Of course having older youth pastors won’t eliminate this problem, but I’m quite convinced it would make a huge dent in it.

Like this post? You may also appreciate:

How Churches Should Handle Sexual Abuse Allegations

We throw 22-year-olds to the lions, because church is often a highly political and dysfunctional workplace

Picture your typical young youth pastor. He’s grown up in the church, which he loves. He’s spent his life in a Christian bubble. He’s always felt safe there. He loves Jesus and wants to serve Jesus, and he wants to help teens know Jesus.

So he gets his starter job in a small church, where it’s just him and the senior pastor on staff, plus maybe a church secretary. And suddenly he’s able to see behind the scenes of how a church is actually run.

He gets constant criticism from parents, from elders, from the pastor. The elders worry he’s ruining the carpets that they just paid for by having snacks at youth group. Some parents are upset that he gave a big talk on sex without warning them first, so that they could prepare their kids. Other parents think he doesn’t talk about sex enough, and that he needs to lecture the kids against sexting. Meanwhile, there are a bunch of marginal youth who have started coming to the youth group, and the pastor is worried that they’re hanging out in the church outside of youth group hours. How do we know they’re not trying to steal anything?

No matter what he does, he can’t please everybody. And the church wants him to preach three times a year, even though he hates giving sermons and it makes him so nervous. He doesn’t mind talking to the youth; but he doesn’t like being up in front of the congregation, and after each sermon all of the elders talk to him individually, telling him how his interpretation of this passage was wrong, or how he could have told that illustration better.

Seriously, churches are minefields to work in! And we’re sending idealistic kids there when they’re so young. Should we be surprised when so many burn out, and even leave the church altogether?

We have a crisis right now of Generation Z kids walking away from the faith. We saw it with millennials; it’s accelerating now. We need to get real about this.

(Click here to tweet this quote)

7 Steps to fix this youth pastor/Bible college problem

Here are my suggestions for how we handle the youth pastor/Bible college issue.

1. Set a minimum age for youth pastors–say 28 or 29.

You know, there are some 23-year-olds that are mature, savvy, and intellectually and spiritually deep who would likely make great youth pastors. But they would also make great youth pastors when they’re 28 or 29. We don’t need 23-year-olds there. If we set a minimum age, then any youth pastor hired will have had some real world experience in something, even if it’s just waiting tables. They will have been out in the workforce, likely interacting with people who aren’t Christian. There will be less temptation to have relationships with those in their care. It will be easier to maintain boundaries when there is at least a 10 year age difference.

2. Pay your youth pastors well

Why is that youth pastors tend to be 22 or 23 when they start? Because we pay them a pittance, and people in their 30s with families are rarely able to live on that. If you want more mature people with life experience pastoring your youth, then you need to pay them better.

3. Join with other churches and combine youth groups

I don’t know why more churches don’t do this, but if four churches got together and hired a youth pastor, you could pay a very decent salary, get someone who is exceptional, and then have them disciple the youth. Perhaps this isn’t as big a problem in the United States as it is in Canada and Britain, but many of our churches are small and can’t really afford a youth pastor. If we combined forces, this would be much easier.

4. Stop thinking of youth pastor as stepping stone to senior pastor

If someone wants to be a senior pastor, it’s usually assumed that they’ll spend their twenties as a youth pastor. However, the skills and gifts you need to be a senior pastor are very different from the ones you need to be a youth pastor. Setting up this expectation devalues the role of youth pastor. The best youth pastors I ever knew were in their 30s and 40s, and they never had any desire to be a senior pastor. And if senior pastors couldn’t be youth pastors in their 20s, they’d have to work in the secular world for a decade before they started pastoring. That would help them be able to understand better the needs and experiences of their congregation, and help them get out of the Christian bubble.

5. Open up the job to women, and aim for a co-ed leadership model

There is no biblical reason to restrict the role of youth pastor to men alone. I think one of the big reasons we keep it men only is because all these young men who want to be senior pastors need a job to do when they’re young. That’s why eliminating the expectation that senior pastors will intern as youth pastors may take care of much of this problem.

But also, many female youth really need a female to talk to. Self-harm is a huge problem among youth. Many of our girls are being sexually abused, or are victims of abusive relationships. They need a safe person. We need to stop assuming that the youth pastor’s wife will fill this role, because she may not feel called to it, and it’s unfair to pay one person a salary, but expect the spouse will work, too, for free.

In addition, ensuring that there is also female leadership in youth groups shows teenage boys that women have something to contribute. This helps them learn to view females as whole people, and is one of the big steps in solving the lust problem. When churches segregate women and men, and keep women entirely out of the leadership, it’s easy to see women as only sexual objects, which is one of the reasons that Christians report higher problems with lust than non-Christians, who operate in a world where women’s opinions are also valued.

6. Call someone within your congregation to be a youth pastor

Instead of hiring someone just out of Bible college, look around your church and identify someone who would make a great youth pastor. Then subsidize that person to get the extra training they need. That way the youth pastor pool gets larger than just those who choose to remain in the Christian bubble and has gotten the right education, and is expanded to everyone in your church, based on giftings.

7. Encourage your kids to be trained in a job that can work in the secular world

If your kids want to go to Bible college in order to study the Bible as an intellectual and spiritual pursuit, that’s one thing. But if they want to go because they’re comfortable in that world; they want to meet a spouse; and you see it as a “safe” way for them to launch into the adult world, rethink things.

Kids need to be able to support themselves, and graduating from a Bible college with $50,000 in debt (or more), and only being trained for two or three jobs that churches can offer that pay maybe $30,000 a year is not a recipe for a great future. Many kids who graduate from Bible college have to return to secular college later to be trained in something else. Make sure your child is going to Bible college for the right reasons, because considering it the default does a lot of kids a tremendous disservice.

Finally, this is perhaps more negative than my post has been, but Sarah O left this comment last week, and I do think she raises a bigger point that we need to consider. I certainly believe that God calls people into ministry. But when we think the call into ministry can only be a call to a huge, modern church with major benefits? Perhaps we’re missing the point.

Reader Comment

​You know who had a good understanding of the pastorate? Jonah. Jonah understood that being a pastor is not about being seen and heard and celebrated and provided for – it was about serving people you don’t like, who probably won’t appreciate it, someplace you don’t want to be. It was about taking God’s message to a place that was probably very dangerous. And it meant acting according to God’s character when literally everyone around you is crude, vulgar, violent, and provocative.

When someone says they are “called” to a lovely, accredited and insured seminary school near their hometown or in a nice area of a cool city, “called” to a full time salary with benefits and provided housing, “called” to speak from a prepared liturgy to a receptive audience, I have to ask WHO is calling???? I can’t think of one single biblical figure that received such a call from God Almighty. And that is certainly NOT how he spent his time on earth. Yet droves and droves of handsome, young, relatively affluent white men – many of whom’s father mysteriously got the exact same “call”, are hearing exactly this instruction.

Goodness knows more polished speakers with spiky hair and preppy clothes are just what’s needed at such a time as this!

For those who want to serve Jesus: Just realize that it may not look like speaking in front of a large congregation every Sunday. It may look very different. But you may be serving Jesus even more.

Like this post so far? You should also check out:

10 Signs You’re in a Legalistic Church

Are You Following a Legalistic View of Marriage?

What a Strong Marriage Ministry Should Look Like

Is Youth Group a Safe Place for Your Kids?

So those are my big picture thoughts. And now I’d love to hear yours–and I’m sorry if I’ve stepped on any toes of any Bible college graduates! What do you think would solve our youth group problem? Am I right? Did I miss something? Did I get something wrong? Let’s talk in the comments!

 

PODCAST EXTRAS: Postpartum, Vaginismus, and Why Does It Hurt Down There?

We just don’t talk about how relatively common sexual pain is.

Today on the podcast Rebecca’s sharing about her really difficult postpartum experience (she had a bad tear, plus she has a bizarre hormonal rash), and we’re delving into how common sexual pain actually is.

We don’t talk about this enough, and then women feel like they’re broken when it happens to them.

But first, here’s the podcast:

 

Listen to the Podcast Here

Browse all the Different Podcasts

See the Last “Start Your Engines” (Men’s) Podcast

Main Segment: Postpartum Problems

Society has been talking a lot about postpartum depression, which is wonderful. We need to talk about this so that women will ask for help when they need it, and so that people will understand that a new mom isn’t being mean, heartless, or selfish. She’s honestly having issues.

What we don’t talk about, though, is difficult postpartum recoveries.

I gave birth three times, and only one time did I have a difficult recovery. With Christopher I walked home from the hospital (though that likely wasn’t a great idea in retrospect). With Katie I was up and walking at the zoo a week later. But with Rebecca I had a bad tear that kept me in my apartment for 6 weeks, and I just couldn’t walk well that entire time.

That’s what Rebecca has now–plus she erupted in a postpartum rash called “pupps” that 1/300 women get. Seriously, it’s the worst rash I’ve ever seen. It’s like a really, really bad case of poison oak or poison ivy all over your stomach, legs and arms that doesn’t go away for several weeks, making it impossible to sleep (she has to get up every hour and a half to change the ice packs).

And then there are women who have C-section recoveries to manage (especially difficult once you have toddlers), and other problems.

So we just wanted to do this podcast to emphasize that we always talk about labour being difficult, but sometimes the postpartum time is worse. And often these moms need two things:

Help from friends/family and especially husbands, and permission to be off their feet
Understanding from husbands that it’s legitimate to wait the 6 weeks (or whatever it takes) for sex.

We’d love to hear your postpartum stories, too, in the comments!

We also promised in the segment that we’d share the link to my post on maternity leave and  our link for our slow cooker freezer meals! You can sign up below to get our recipes:

 

Reader Question: Sex is still too painful for my wife that we haven’t consummated our marriage (vaginismus)

A husband writes in with this question, which is quite a common one:

My wife and I waited until marriage to try to have sex, and when we got to our honeymoon, we found we couldn’t. She was too tight, there was physical blockage, and even attempting it was immensely painful. We went to her OB and found that she had an obstructive, extra thick hymen, and so she went through surgery to correct it, thinking that would solve everything and we could connect and be together. Unfortunately, (and depressingly) once she was healed and we started trying again, we had the same issues, and the OB said she thought it was vaginismus. My wife is incredibly shy, and hates going to the OB in general. We have started to try what the OB recommended, massaging her opening with a numbing gel to try to relax the muscle, but it’s very painful for my wife. 

I suggested maybe a pelvic floor specialist or something, but she is still not sure she would be comfortable with anyone else doing anything down there. I just am struggling to know what to do, how to help us progress and get to become one flesh in our marriage. We pray about it a lot and just are feeling discouraged and hopeless.

There are no magic answers for this couple except for seek treatment. I think if we talked about how common sexual pain is (it’s about 4% of the population, but it’s much higher in conservative religious circles), then women wouldn’t feel so alone. I shared my own story of vaginismus in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, so she isn’t alone. 

God made sex to be AWESOME!

It’s supposed to be great physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Feel like something’s missing?

Check out The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex!

So what would I suggest?

Read my posts on vaginismus. Understand that you’re not alone. And then seek out a pelvic floor physiotherapist. I had such a person guest post a while ago, and she wrote these very helpful posts:

Can a pelvic floor physiotherapist help you?
What to expect from an appointment with a pelvic floor physiotherapist

I know it’s awkward, and that she doesn’t want other people feeling around “down there”, but honestly, it’s better to get it dealt with. It really is. And there are things that they can do, so please seek help!

And if you have suffered from vaginismus, tell engaged women that you know. Say something like, “You know, most women have no problem at all getting used to sex, and I’m sure that will be the case for you. But I actually had some pain at first and needed help with it, and if you ever find yourself in that situation, I just want you to know that you can call me.” That way you don’t scare her, but if something bad does happen, she knows that she’s not alone and that she has a resource.

We just need to talk about this stuff more!

Finally, don’t forget to take our survey!

We’re currently conducting the largest survey of Christian women’s marital and sexual satisfaction that’s been done to date, and  you’ll want to be part of it! Take the survey right here.

Thanks so much! And let me know: Did you ever suffer from pelvic pain? Was your postpartum recovery awful? Let’s talk in the comments!

Our Soul Ties Series: What Are Soul Ties? And Do We Need to Break Soul Ties?

I often get asked if soul ties exist, and, if so, how do you break soul ties?

It’s a common enough query that brings people to the blog that I thought it would be worth exploring some of what we mean by “soul tie” for our November series, and talk about how to frame this in a Christian way. So let’s jump in!

What is a soul tie?

When people use the term “soul tie”, what they usually mean is that, in the spiritual realm, our souls are united to someone else, and that “tie” is binding us to a person we don’t want to be bound to, and is hampering our efforts at moving ahead in life.

Most commonly, soul ties are seen to develop in the sexual realm, though that’s not the only way to see them (and I’ll be exploring some other ideas later in this soul tie series soul ties to kids, parents, and more).

“Soul ties” are largely a Christian concept (in the sense that they’re discussed in the Christian world), and the biblical basis for them is supposed to be 1 Corinthians 6:15-20, which I’m going to quote here in the New Living Translation:

Don’t you realize that your bodies are actually parts of Christ? Should a man take his body, which is part of Christ, and join it to a prostitute? Never!  And don’t you realize that if a man joins himself to a prostitute, he becomes one body with her? For the Scriptures say, “The two are united into one.”But the person who is joined to the Lord is one spirit with him.

Run from sexual sin! No other sin so clearly affects the body as this one does. For sexual immorality is a sin against your own body. Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body.

1 Corinthians 6:15-20, NLT

Here’s just verse 16 in the NIV:

Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, “The two will become one flesh.”

1 Corinthians 6:16, NIV

Now, at first glance, this doesn’t seem to have much to do with soul ties. After all, the verse says you’re one with her “in body”, not “in soul”. But I do believe that this is where the concept came from, because I remember as a teenager sitting in a youth rally, and the speaker explaining that when you have sex with someone, God makes you into one flesh. You are joined together. Essentially, you are now “tied”. And that has repercussions.

That’s what a lot of the purity talks that we give youth are based on, too–if you have sex, you join with someone. You form a bond. And when you break up with that person, you break that bond, even though it’s still there in your soul. Then, when you have sex with someone else, the bond won’t be as strong, because part of you is still tied to someone else. (My daughter made a really great video showing why this is a very bad message to give to youth, by the way).

So let’s deconstruct this: Can we “bond” with someone through sex? And is that a soul tie?

Absolutely we can feel a bond through sex. In fact, there’s a hormonal reason for that. When we have sex, we release a hormone called oxytocin, or regularly called “the bonding hormone”. It makes us feel close to the person that we’re with, and produces feelings of affection and belonging. Women also produce that hormone when we breastfeed, when we kiss or hug our kids, etc.

And then there are those who say that God Himself binds us, in an invisible way, through sex. In fact, it’s sex that makes you married in God’s eyes, they say, so essentially the reason you’re not supposed to have sex with a prostitute is because you’re marrying them (and that’s why 1 Corinthians 6 repeats much of the language about marriage):

That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. 

Genesis 2:24

If you have sex, then, you’ve got this affectionate, close feeling with someone, AND God has created this “spiritual tie” or “soul tie” between you and the other person, and you’re not supposed to break it.

That’s the reasoning behind the soul tie language. Now let’s look at why soul ties are often seen as a big deal.

If God forms an invisible, spiritual bond between you and the person you have sex with, then how do you break it if you want to move on with your life?

What I’ve read in a lot of literature talking about spiritual oppression is that the reason that people can’t move on with their lives after they break up with a sexual partner is because they are “tied” to this person spiritually. And thus we must use spiritual weapons to break the ties (often through something like an exorcism or a prayer of deliverance) to get over your lost love and move forward. Indeed, the reason that you may not be flourishing in your marriage is because you have ties to past lovers, or your spouse has ties to past lovers, and these must be broken.

I have to admit that I have very mixed feelings about this line of thinking. I think this can belief system can actually keep people from being freed from past relationships, and prolong the heartache from past relationships, rather than setting people free from what may have gone before.

So can we just go back to the beginning and think this “soul tie” logic through again?
Yes, sex does form an emotional bond between two people.

It’s that oxytocin hormone reaction, plus it’s just an all new level of intimacy.

Yes, there is a spiritual realm, with spiritual forces at work.

I think this is pretty unmistakable in the Bible:

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.  

Ephesians 6:12

However, this does not mean that there is a spiritual block on your life due to past sex, that you will never get past unless you go through a deliverance ministry.

Paul spent much of his ministry among Gentiles, and most of his epistles are written to Gentile believers. And in Roman times, premarital and extramarital sex were pretty common as well, just as they are today. They even had temple prostitutes! So if people had all of these huge spiritual ties that would need a ton of work to break, where you would have to pray just the right way and get yourself in just the right frame of mind or your life would be hindered–well, I think Paul would have been more explicit about this. If it were honestly that big a problem, I think he would have talked about it.

Instead, he never said that breaking a soul tie or spiritual bond with past sexual partners should be a big priority for Christians. He said fleeing from sexual immorality NOW was our job. He was focused on our life in Christ now, not what came before.  What he talked about was not being tied to sin and being hindered by all of these past sins and demons, but instead being free in the Spirit and living a life unencumbered.  We didn’t have to turn ourselves inside out to flee our past; that was already done for us:

If anyone is in Christ he is a new creation! The old has past away; the new has come.

2 Corinthians 5:17

Paul’s big message was freedom in Christ. He never said, “Once you come to Christ, you realize how tied you are with the past in your spirit, and you have to do a lot of work to find freedom.” No, he said that we already had freedom! Whom the Son has set free is free indeed. 

What if focusing on soul ties with past lovers stops us from being able to move forward?

If you believe that demons have influence over you because of sex that you had with people in the past, and that you can never have a good marriage now because of that, unless you pray in just the right way and break that tie–well, that sounds like a lot of pressure to put on you to do just the right thing. I think that an keep people stuck. It also sounds a lot more like voodoo than it does like Christianity.

Are you ready for the honeymoon you always dreamed of?

The Honeymoon Course is here to help you plan the perfect honeymoon and start your marriage (and your sex life!) off with laughter, joy and fun!

Don’t make the same mistakes other couples have–get it right from the beginning! 

Learn more



















Can I suggest another way of looking at all of this than just “soul ties”?

How about we just talk about having a broken heart? Sex can form an emotional bond, and often we are in love with someone (even without sex), and it’s really difficult when that relationship ends. It feels like we’re tied to that person, because our hopes and dreams WERE tied to that person. When you saw your future, you imagined it with them. And now that the person is out of your life, or the relationship is over, you feel like you’re floundering, and you can’t get your bearing, and you’re adrift, because that person anchored you. So you are tied to them.

But we don’t have to overspiritualize it. We don’t have to say that you need a big exorcism to set you free, or make someone who isn’t feeling particularly bad about something feel badly because there are these invisible soul ties they knew nothing about.

Can there be a spiritual, demonic element to it? Yes, absolutely, there could. I do believe that Satan targets us where we’re weak, and there may be times when a broken heart gives him a foothold.

But more often than not, I think a broken heart is just a broken heart. We don’t need to call it a soul tie and layer it up with all these pictures of invisible bondage.

That being said, I think we can create soul ties, in the sense that, emotionally, we tie our own happiness and well-being up with someone else’s actions.

I’m not talking about God doing something with demons behind the scenes (although, again, I do think that this is possible); I just know that in my own life, there are times when I have been overly emotionally tied up with my kids, with boyfriends, with other people. I’ve had these dreams for the future that involve other people, and I let those dreams become so important to me that my happiness was dependent upon what those people did. Now, obviously, when you love people, they affect you, and there’s nothing wrong with that. But there’s also an unhealthy version of that where it’s not just about having a good relationship with people; it’s really about making those people live out our dreams. That’s where things can cross the line.

So over this month I’d like to look at how we can get over broken hearts–those “soul ties” that we think are formed with past lovers or with past boyfriends/girlfriends. I’d like to look at how to process the past relationships that our spouse may have had.  And I’d also like to look at how to get over those other kinds of soul ties with people that we love–even our kids–and live a life where we love well, love appropriately, and love freely, without any kind of emotional bondage.

What do you think? Have you ever heard the “soul tie” language? Did it help you or make you feel guilty? Let’s talk in the comments!

Found this post helpful? You might also enjoy:

10 Reasons Not to Kiss Dating Good-bye

10 Things That Scare Me About the Purity Culture

Is the Purity Culture Making Women Ashamed of their Bodies?

10 Trends I’m Watching in the Purity Culture