Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 71

Women Deserve Orgasm, Too: It’s Not Selfish for a Woman to Want to Orgasm During Intercourse

Do women deserve to orgasm when making love to their husbands?

Is it reasonable to expect that when a couple is making love, both of them should receive pleasure?

I normally do a top 10 post on Tuesdays, and I had something all ready to go, but there was a discussion in the comments section over the weekend that, quite frankly, shocked me, and I thought it was worth addressing. I generally assume that people want good marriages and that people want good sex lives and that people care about each other, but every now and then people say things  in the comments that makes me realize that we have a long way to go before we’re going to reach healthy sexuality.

So, let me paint the picture of what happened (and by the way, this was hard to follow because it was spanning several posts, but I’ll try to summarize)

First, a man comments that he wants sex no strings attached, and he’s tired of having his wife have so many needs before she’ll want to have sex.

He’s referring to our first Start Your Engines podcast, (though he’s commenting on another post), where we explained that a woman needed three things from sex: intimacy, safety and pleasure.

He said:

I’m sorry to be so blunt, but no woman in the world is worth the aggravation you guys described. It seems to me that, before marriage, women are usually “hot to trot,” but once they get control of your life and (mostly) your wallet, they turn off the spiggot, and make everything into a thankless chore. After listening carefully to the whole podcast, I admit to being a little like Aquaman. What I heard was “somethin’, somethin’, somethin’, no sex for you.”

Even men who take their “shepherding” role seriously, get to the point of desperation. We usually have ONE item on our list of Requirements-for-a-good-marriage. Women seem to have 100 or more.

And if we don’t fulfill all 100 to perfection on a daily basis, they feel justified in becoming serial refusers. It seems to me that the problem your ministry you need to work hardest to defeat with is women and their OUTRAGEOUSLY UNREALISTIC expectations. It is those unmeetable expectations that are destroying marriages today; not porn, not affairs, and certainly not “evil white men” and their “evil penises.” It’s women and their insurmountable “Prince Charming Complex.”

Bill

In return, Jess replied that sex is more than just about release; and that they should be aiming for intimacy at all levels.

Are you saying that sex is seriously your only requirement for a good marriage? You don’t care about trust, loyalty, compassion, emotional intimacy, relationship, serving one another, having fun together? None of that matters at all? That exact viewpoint is why so many women have a non-existent libido and feel like sex objects rather than people who matter.

You don’t want a wife to “control your life” or “your wallet”, it sounds like you don’t want a marriage, you just want free sex. Marriage is not about control, manipulation, or a list of requirements one spouse must fulfill before the other spouse gives something in return. Marriage in God’s design is about mutuality, self-sacrifice, love, respect, and service. It’s about putting your spouse’s needs and desires above your own. It’s a perfect picture of how Jesus laid down is life for us. He didn’t wait for us to measure up before he gave himself for us, just like a husband and wife should not wait for the other to measure up before giving of themselves.

I’m so sorry if you’ve been hurt by a woman who used you for your money or withheld sex for ridiculous reasons. That is also not right. But if my husband told me the only requirement he had for a good marriage was for me to give him sex whenever he wanted, I’d probably come up with a ridiculous list of requirements for him too, just to protect myself from feeling used and cheap and dirty and like the only thing I’m good for is his physical pleasure and release. No woman wants to feel like that.

Just for background, I am married, my husband and I are both very happy and fulfilled, and we have a wonderful sex life. You could ask him and he would say the same thing. And it’s because we strive for the marriage I outlined above, one built on mutuality, self-sacrifice, love, respect, and service. If more husbands AND wives put effort into that kind of marriage, I think sex in marriage would fall into place much easier and would be much more fulfilling for both spouses.

Jess

Those two comments launched the much longer discussion, which ended up spreading two threads. On a thread from our Start Your Engines podcast,  libl piped up and said that she could only orgasm if she lay still and was able to concentrate, but her husband didn’t like that. (He’d been insisting for years that they have sex in such a way that gets her no pleasure–“I went 3 years without an orgasm from him because he wanted sex his way. I gave up oral sex because he wanted sex his way.”). One of the men participating in the first thread started commenting there, too. He said that the solution was that they do what her husband wanted half the time, and then they do what libl wanted half the time.

Can anyone see what’s wrong with that?

Her husband is ABLE to orgasm whatever they have sex; he just gets greater pleasure if she moves around a lot and puts on a bit of a show. But if she does that, she’s no longer able to orgasm. 

Now, let’s say that libl were to do what the commenter wanted, and have sex the way her husband wanted half the time, and the way that she wanted half the time. What would be the result?

The husband would orgasm 100% of the time, and she would only orgasm 50% of the time.

That’s not right, because women deserve orgasm, too. But he kept pushing back at me and told me it was fair for them to do what the guy wanted half the time and what the wife wanted half the time. I’d like to elaborate today on why that’s off.

Sex is supposed to be the ultimate “knowing” of one another. It’s supposed to be a mutual experience.

For a husband to say: I want no strings attached sex; I want to be able to have sex with you whenever I want to, no matter what’s going on in the relationship, and to insist on anything else means that you’re depriving me–well, quite frankly, what he’s interested in, then, is not a wife but a sex doll or a prostitute.

Sex is not only about a husband’s physical release, no matter what books like Love & Respect might say. I understand that this is the teaching that is often given in Christian circles, but it is not biblical. The biblical word for sex in the Old Testament is “knowing”, which is a deep intimacy that encompasses so much more than just the physical. Making love is supposed to be truly making love. Also, sex is not supposed to be about using someone. In 1 Corinthians 7:3-5, where we see Paul’s admonition to “do not deprive each other”, the instructions given are completely mutual. In fact, her needs are considered first!

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The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

1 Corinthians 7:3-5

If a husband is only interested in his own orgasm, regardless of whether his wife feels pleasure (and especially if he prefers sex in a way that she won’t feel pleasure), then he is not abiding by what the Bible says.

Women deserve orgasm; to ask for their pleasure to be considered too is not unreasonable.

I completely understand that many women have difficulty reaching orgasm, which is why I’ve tried to write so many posts on it, and why I’m hoping to complete a course on orgasm sometime in 2020. Here are just a few of the posts:

Top 10 Tips for Newlyweds who have never reached orgasm
How to become more orgasmic
Finally reaching orgasm: One woman shares her story
How to have multiple orgasms

Sometimes women can’t orgasm because of sexual pain; sometimes it’s shame and baggage about sex; sometimes it’s body image issues, or not knowing how her body works. But sometimes it’s also that he just doesn’t spend any time helping her get there.

Women are not broken because they require more stimulation to reach orgasm. That’s part of the design.

God wants sex to be mutual; God expects women to receive pleasure, too. So if those two things are true, then the fact that it takes women longer to reach orgasm, and that they need more attention, also means that that’s part of the design. This does not mean she’s broken, or that she’s flawed, or that she needs to become more like him. As I explained in my articles on the theology of the clitoris and the theology of the penis, God intended for husbands to have to spend some attention on their wives during sex. For a husband to resent that, and to think it’s an imposition, and to think that we should just forego that when we’re making love or else she’s demanding too much, is him not understanding what a sexual relationship is.

It’s supposed to be a sexual relationship; it’s not supposed to be about sexual release.

It’s a two-person thing. It’s something that you share. And that’s why my commenter’s suggestion where one night it’s about the husband and one night it’s about the wife is so off. I am a big proponent of having “his” nights and “her” nights occasionally, where you do special things that one of you likes (whether it’s something sexual or starting with a super long massage, or whatever. In fact, I even created 24 Sexy Dares that couples can share together, thinking that these would last about a year, on average. I am certainly NOT against spicing things up or having fun or trying new things.

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Does your marriage need some spicing up–and some fun?

Try these 24 dares–plus one bonus–to take your marriage to the next level!

Let's add some heat!

But in general, sex should be about both of you, together. It’s a shared experience. He’s receiving pleasure; she’s receiving pleasure. They’re touching each other and loving each other. It’s about them, together.

The problem to me here is that these men assume that it’s okay to prefer sex in a way that brings your wife no pleasure.

They see her particular need for orgasm as a turn off, if what she wants doesn’t line up exactly with what he feels is exciting. They must honestly think it’s okay for men to orgasm all the time, while women don’t deserve orgasm necessarily, if it might interfere with his experience.

Some of the comments that never saw the light of day this weekend, because they were just so terrible and I couldn’t let them through. But they were all accusing her of being selfish by denying him what he wants–despite the fact that all that she was asking for was some pleasure. And they were using “Christian” arguments like “do not deprive” to do it. 

It’s like they have an idea of what “hot” sex is, and if it’s not what she needs, then she becomes the problem, because she’s denying him what is rightfully his.

I’m going to be frank–I think the pornographic culture, combined with some toxic Christian teaching, has created men who are terrible, selfish lovers.

Pornography teaches the viewer: sex is all about power. Sex is self-focused. It is using another to get what you want. The very act of watching porn, and the masturbation that accompanies it, means that you are making sexual release about your own particular desires, and nothing at all to do with a relationship.

Then we get the best-selling Christian marriage book like Love & Respect, which never once says that sex should feel good for a woman, too, but instead says that sex is all about the husband’s physical release. And it tells women that they don’t have a right to say no, no matter how they’re feeling, because he needs sex in a way that they will never understand. So it tells women: What you’re feeling doesn’t matter. Only his physical release matters. You don’t deserve anything sexually.

Do you see how this is just the same as pornography?

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The pornographic culture, combined with some toxic Christian teaching, has created men who are terrible, selfish lovers.

(Click here to tweet this quote)

This idea paints a woman as selfish if she speaks up and says that she needs something more from sex than he’s giving. Now she’s being demanding, and men need no strings attached sex (as the men were saying in the comments). She’s selfish for wanting to have an orgasm or receive pleasure, even though most men assume they’re going to orgasm when they have sex. As I said earlier this year, the gender that is most deprived of orgasm is not men; it’s actually women.

Are there women who are selfish in bed?

Absolutely. And the one of the big ways that women are selfish is that we act as gatekeepers, saying that we won’t have sex unless he jumps through a ton of hoops, or unless we’re not tired, etc., and sex falls by the wayside. That’s why one of the biggest things I do here is to try to help women see sex in a different light–that it is good for you; that you should desire it. I have a whole course on how to boost your libido! I absolutely believe that many women are letting sex get too infrequent in marriage. In fact, here’s a post on how she can be a more generous lover!

Are you TIRED of always being too tired for sex?

Do you yearn to actually WANT to make love–and figure out what all the fuss is about?

There is a way! And in this 10-module course I take you through what libido is (it may surprise you!), what affects libido, and how we can reclaim the excitement that God made us for.

Tell me more!

But you know what? I bet a lot of those women would have more sex if there were fewer attitudes like the ones these men were demonstrating.

Most of the men commenting on this blog totally disagree with these men, by the way. So many men have commented that they don’t understand why a man would want to have sex with a woman who wasn’t in the mood or who wasn’t receiving pleasure. In fact, they say that the hottest thing in bed is not the particular sex act that they’re doing, but instead her responsiveness and her orgasm! So many men have even expressed grief that their wives don’t want to work on orgasm, because these men would desperately like to give their wives pleasure. ​

But when husbands don’t care about pleasure–is it any wonder that some women have trouble reaching orgasm?

I truly fear that we have raised a generation of women who feel guilty if they have to ask for foreplay; who never orgasm because they’re afraid to speak up and say, “I’m not actually enjoying this as much as you are.”. And if she needs a long time to orgasm, she feels so nervous that he’s impatient or that he’s upset that she can’t get out of her head and let go. I really think that’s one of the reasons (not the only one) that so many women need vibrators to reach orgasm–they’re afraid to speak up about what they really need from their husbands (I know for some women they’re a lifesaver, after trying everything. But for some couples, they’re a short circuit that avoids him having to figure out how her body works).

Do not deprive EACH OTHER. She matters, too. Sex is about BOTH of you.

(Click here to tweet this quote)

Sex is about BOTH of you. If a man doesn’t care that his wife can’t orgasm, as long as he gets what he wants, then that is not making love.

That is using her. And we need to call this out, more and more, and bring back what the Bible actually says. Do not deprive EACH OTHER. She matters, too. And maybe if these men took more time to become better lovers, and to figure out how their wives’ bodies work, then their wives would want sex more, too.

(although I’m aware that there are some women who just won’t let their husbands try to give them pleasure. That’s a separate issue than the one being talked about in the comments, though it’s just as frustrating). 

What do you think? How do we stop this attitude from flourishing in the church? And where did we go wrong? Let’s talk in the comments!

Read the Do Not Deprive Series:

Do Not Deprive: Are Women the Ones More Likely to Be Deprived?

Godly Sex is Mutual Sex!

Why We Need a New Definition of Sex

10 Times It’s Okay to Say No to Sex

I Need Your Help–with the Biggest Christian Marriage & Sex Survey!

I need your voice.

Seriously.

We are about to launch a BIG project at To Love, Honor and Vacuum. We’ve just signed a contract for a new book with Baker Books, tentatively titled The Great Sex Rescue. It’s going to cover how to have amazing sex by getting over all the things holding you back.

My daughter Rebecca and our co-worker Joanna Sawatsky are all going to co-author it. We’re excited about it. We’re thrilled to pieces. We’re signing contracts even right after we’ve given birth! (well, after Rebecca’s given birth, at least).

But we can’t write the book until we hear from you.

We’ve been writing so much about why sex can go wrong in Christian marriages–and why it can go right. But we don’t just want to tell you what we think. We want to do actual research, so that we have numbers behind what we’re saying.

In fact, we want to do the biggest research project on sex and marriage from a Christian perspective that has ever been done.

A lofty goal?

Yep.

But we think it’s doable, and so does Baker Books, who is so super excited about this project.

So, if you’re a woman who has ever been married (even if you’re divorced or widowed now), we’d be thrilled if you would take 20 minutes and fill out our survey.

Your voice matters. We need you. And we’d be so grateful if you could help with the survey!

Take the Survey!

A few quick things:

Want something free? When you complete the survey, you’ll get a link to an awesome “Intimacy Igniter” freebie, a four-part cumulative exercise you can do as a couple to build intimacy. Super fun!
Or how about winning something? When you complete the survey, you’ll also get the chance to enter a draw for 1 of 98 prizes, worth over $2000 in total, including book bundles, courses, autographed copies of books, an Amazon gift card, and more.

We’re also looking for TWO other types of people to help us:
We need women for focus groups!

At the end of the survey, you’ll be given the chance to enter your email if you’d like to be contacted to potentially be part of a focus group. We want to ask more detailed questions and get people’s stories, and if you’re willing to share that with us, that would be awesome!

(that’s the only time we’d be able to match your email with our responses; unless you choose, you will be utterly anonymous).

We need survey recruiters–and guys, you can help here, too!

We’re looking at having thousands upon thousands of people complete this survey. And we don’t want people only from my list, either. We want to reach the broader Christian community–conservative Christians, more progressive Christians, younger Christians, older Christians, Christians who don’t go to church anymore, Christians who are super involved–I feel like a Dr. Seuss book, but you know what I mean.

And so we need YOU to recruit your friends. You can post on Facebook, send out an email to 10 women, tell people in your Bible study group–whatever.

If you’d like to be part of that, just email us and we’ll get back to you with your own unique link. And then we’ve got some special incentives!

Once you reach 25 recruits, we’ll record some special exclusive podcasts where you can submit a question that we will answer.
Once you reach 50 recruits, you’ll be invited to a 2-week Voxer coaching group, where I’ll give a 15-minute message every morning to help you with your sex life, and you can submit comments, too.

AND THE GRAND PRIZE: the person who recruits the most to the survey will win ME coming to give my GIRL TALK to your church/group sometime in the next 18 months, anywhere in the United States and Canada (and seriously, I could be convinced to go to New Zealand, Australia, or the U.K., too, if you live there). I’ll waive my fee and charge 1/2 of the travel expenses.

Please allow Tammy 24 hours to get back to you with your link!

 

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I'll Tell My Friends!



This has the potential to be a ground-breaking book.

We’re so excited.

Rebecca’s our psychometrics person, who is designing the survey, doing our literature review, and sketching out the chapters.
Joanna’s our data geek, who is way too over excited about analyzing all the results as they trickle in.
Together, Rebecca and Joanna will design the follow-up focus groups and more in-depth surveys with targeted groups, and choose the anecdotes and stories to include in the book.
And then I’m going to write it and put it altogether.

We did a soft launch of the survey on Friday, to everyone who gets my weekly emails (do you get them yet? If not, you should!). And I don’t think Joanna slept all weekend because she was so excited to have actual data to look at. After months of planning the survey, debating what questions to include, and testing it, we can finally start to see people’s answers.

So let her nerd out some more by filling out our survey! Thank you!

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Take the Survey!



After you’ve completed the survey, you’ll get a chance to enter our prize draw, where you could win:

1 – Amazon Gift Card, $100
2 – The Whole Story Puberty Course, VIP Version, lifetime access to both boys’ and girls’ courses, $159
2 – Autographed packages of 6 of Sheila’s books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, 31 Days to Great Sex, 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, To Love, Honor and Vacuum, Why I Didn’t Rebel (by Sheila’s daughter Rebecca), and Another Reality Check
1 – Women’s Nonfiction Bundle from Baker Books, including Nice by Sharon Hodde Miller; Breathe Again by Niki Hardy; M.O.M.–Master Organizer of Mayhem by Kristi Clover; and Back Roads to Belonging by Kristen Strong, $60
1 – Women’s Nonfiction Bundle from Baker Books, including Nice by Sharon Hodde Miller; Breathe Again by Niki Hardy; A Redesigned Life by Tracy Steel; Whispers and Wildflowers by Sarah Beth Marr, $60
1 – Christian Living Bundle from Baker Books, including Nice by Sharon Hodde Miller; Less of More by Chris Nye; Grace in the Valley by Heath Adamson; and Fake or Follower by Andi Andrew, $60
1 – Reading Lover’s Bundle from Baker Books, including I’d Rather Be Reading by Anne Bogel; The Words Between Us by Erin Bartels; The Light from Distant Stars by Shawn Smucker; and The Curse of Misty Wayfair by Jaime Jo Wright, $60
15 – Your choice between the Boost Your Libido course or The Honeymoon Course (online courses on sex & marriage taught by Sheila Wray Gregoire), $39
4 – Autographed copies of both The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex and 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, by Sheila Wray Gregoire, $36
35 – 24 Sexy Dares, a downloadable fun marriage challenge, $6
35 – 31 Days to Great Sex ebook by Sheila Wray Gregoire, $5

So here’s what I’d love it if you’d do:


Take the survey.

Stages of Sex Series: Menopause and the Slowing Down Years

What happens to sex in marriage when menopause hits? Or when men’s bodies start to slow down and erectile dysfunction becomes more common?

On Wednesdays during the month of October I’ve been talking about the different stages of sex. We talked about:

The “Figuring Things Out” stage--or the honeymoon years (which aren’t always that great!)
The Busy Years of Sex (when kids come and job pressures are the highest)
The Glory Years of Sex (when sex tends to work really well)

And now I want to cap off this series with menopause and what can be the slowing down years.

All about Menopause and MidLife

I’ve written a lot about menopause in the past, and I don’t want to repeat all of it here, so I’ll point you to some of the big posts:

The Menopause Pep Talk You Actually Need
Why Can’t I Hit Orgasm Now That I’ve Reached Menopause?
5 Tips for Great Sex During Menopause
10 Tips to Help with Menopause and Hot Flashes in the Bedroom

And here’s one about erectile dyfsunction:

Is Erectile Dysfunction Killing Your Husband’s Libido?

But now there are a few things that I do want to say specifically about sex in these years.

Try Not to Panic about How the Best Years Are Behind You

I get these vibes from a lot of reader questions. Even one from a guy that I featured on yesterday’s podcast--part of what he said was:

I get the feeling that my wife goes through the motions… doing her duty. If I bring the topic up, it doesn’t go down well. The strange thing is we are in love and have a good marriage but I’m panicked about menopause and what time we have left.​

I hear that a lot–“I know our bodies are only going to go downhill from here; we never really had great sex when we were in our prime; so we’ll never have it now.”

First, that’s not necessarily true at all. Lots of people in menopause/midlife have great sex! Some even say that it’s the best of their lives, because they don’t need to worry about noise since the house is empty; they don’t have to worry about pregnancy; and they’re less stressed in general. And remember that the physical aspect of sex is only one piece of the puzzle. If the other pieces are fitting together well–the emotional closeness and the spiritual oneness–then the physical often feels better anyway.

I’ve also had people on the blog for whom impending menopause was the impetus they needed to finally sort out some things in their lives. They realized: sex isn’t great; I’m not getting any younger; I have to figure this out NOW. One reader wrote a 2-part series on how, after 26 years of marriage, she finally reached orgasm. She went on a research project that year to figure it out. She was confident enough in herself finally to realize, “I need more than just this, and I deserve this,” and she did! So impending menopause can often be the impetus that gets people to prioritize their sex life and make it even better. 

Last year I wrote an important post (or, at least, I think it’s an important post) on why older women often long for more adventure in bed. Here’s part of the common scenario that I painted:

From Why (Older) Women Long for More Adventure in Bed
One day, Jane wakes up and realizes she doesn’t know who she is anymore.

And she gets mad.

Really mad.

She has spent her whole life trying–and it hasn’t gotten her very far. She threw her all into her children, and they’re gone now. She’s spent her whole life feeling not good enough, and her husband seems to agree. She knows she bores him, because he’s never around. But quite frankly, he bores her, too.

Why, when sex didn’t feel very good, was it something she had to fix? Why didn’t he think to himself, “wow, my wife isn’t getting much out of this. Maybe I should be a better lover!”

In fact, sex seems to be the heart of a lot of her anger. Sex was always something she did for him. She had to be beautiful–for him. She had to want sex enough–for him. She had to learn to be a good lover–for him. And so she never really enjoyed her own body. It was something that someone else got to use. And she’s tired of it. She wants to be all who Jane can be!

And so it’s her turn now! It’s her turn to discover that ball of fire she was in college, when the world was stretched out in front of her, and the possibilities were endless. Because she finally realizes that if she doesn’t do something now, she’s never going to do it.

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The danger in this scenario is that women will get so angry at their husbands that they’ll pull away and try to find fulfillment elsewhere, or that the husbands will read her dissatisfaction as an attack on the marriage, rather than a cry to be noticed and heard and valued. But it doesn’t have to be a bad scenario. When women wake up, they can choose passion with their husbands, if both are ready to embrace it.

Read the post on older women and sex here.

Think of the Menopause Years as Another “Figuring Things Out” Stage–you may have to go back to the beginning

Okay, we’ve covered the group of people who have never had great sex, and menopause becomes that ticking clock that inspires either panic or change.

But then there’s another group–the kind that HAS had great sex. And for a lot of those women especially, menopause can bring that to a halt. I’ve talked to a number of post-menopausal women who have told me that their ability to orgasm has just disappeared. They used to be quite orgasmic, and now they’re not at all anymore.

I’ve asked a number of gynecologists about this, and they all say the same thing: Orgasm can be more difficult after menopause, because blood flow to the genital area is decreased; hormone levels, which are largely responsible for arousal, have changed; and lubrication is decreased. However, in no way does that mean that orgasm is impossible.

So here’s my anecdotal, not-based-on-science-but-only-based-on-commenters-and-the-people-who-talk-to-me theory: I think menopause affects orgasm for women very differently depending on what group women find themselves in.

For women for whom orgasm was never much of a problem, and who figured it out without much effort early in the marriage, menopause often brings orgasm to a halt. For women who struggled with orgasm earlier, menopause can be just a blip in the road, and all you ned is a little bit of lubricant.

See, some women are orgasmic largely due to physical responsiveness. Their bodies responded; they didn’t have to concentrate very much; and sex just worked. So they never actually had to “learn” how to make sex good. For other women (like the woman who had an orgasm for the first time after 26 years of marriage), orgasm was a huge learning curve. You had to learn how to clear your mind of everything else. You had to learn how to concentrate on your body and on what was happening. You had to learn to pay attention to your body’s arousal cues and try to ride the “wave” of arousal. It was all a deliberate act, rather than an automatic act.

All of that is to say that if you are finding that orgasm has disappeared, you may have to just do what many women did when they were first married: You may have to learn to orgasm deliberately, rather than experiencing it as something automatic. So go back and do all of the things that we talked about earlier this month on ten tips if you’ve never reached orgasm as a newlywed. Work through 31 Days to Great Sex and spend a lot of time on the days when you figure out how to get her aroused. Go back to first principles and try to imagine that your starting all over again. Don’t assume you know what should happen next. And see if that can help!

Do you yearn to have a more meaningful–and fun–sex life?

Check out my 31 Day challenge that you do with your spouse. Super easy–just read a few pages a night and do what it says. Learn to talk more, flirt more, be more affectionate, spice things up, deal with baggage, and so much more!

No blaming. Just solutions–and a whole lot of fun!

Let's try it!



















If You’re Just Desperate, Seek out More Help

I’ll be honest–menopause wasn’t really that bad for me (I’m just officially through now, though I’m pretty young for it). For my mom, though, it was awful. She needed to go on hormones just so that she could sleep, because doctors decided that the risk of her driving a car when she was so sleep deprived was worse than the risk of her developing heart disease or cancer.

I’ve known other women who have radically changed their diet, started other supplements, or done other things because they couldn’t cope with everyday life anymore. If you’re in a situation when you can’t cope, seek out help.

Also, this is a time of life when men need to start seeing the doctor, even if they don’t want to. Especially if erectile dysfunction is hitting, you need to figure out what’s going on. Here are 10 ways to encourage your husband to see the doctor!

See Sex As More than Just Intercourse

I’ve talked about how we need a new definition of sex that is more than just man-puts-penis-into-vagina-until-he-climaxes in order to take her pleasure into account. But I think midlife also gives us a need for a new definition of sex, because sometimes man-puts-penis-into-vagina doesn’t work as well at this stage, especially if he does have intermittent erectile dysfunction, or if she’s having trouble getting aroused. We need to start seeing sex as something that encompasses far more–being intimate; being naked together; touching each other. Even if you can’t have intercourse, that doesn’t mean you can’t be sexual.

Many men, especially, when sex stops working, retreat from sex altogether because they’re grieving and they’re humiliated and they don’t want to face it. That’s a mistake. Even if you can’t have intercourse, you can still do other things, and you still need that closeness. Now’s the time to embrace being together, whatever that looks like for you. Don’t just become roommates.

Thoughts for Younger People–before the slowing down years start

If you want menopause and the years after to go well, there are a few things you can do NOW to set yourself up well for them.

Take your health seriously before menopause and midlife hit

Ever notice how when you’re going out for lunch with a bunch of women in their 50s and 60s everybody gets salads and not cheeseburgers? Many people don’t pay much attention to things like cholesterol, blood pressure, even their weight when they’re younger, because you can skate by even if you’re treating your body terribly. But eventually that catches up with you. You develop all kinds of different digestive issues. You suddenly start gaining a ton of weight because your metabolism slows down, even if you’re eating the same. The things you could get away with when you were younger you can no longer get away with anymore.

Menopause means hormonal changes for everyone. But it does not have to mean being super tired; it does not have to mean being chronically short of breath. It does not have to mean having no energy, or having chronic back pain. A lot of that can be avoided if you just treat your body well when you’re younger. Don’t wait for pain or huge weight gain to signal that you need to make changes. Make them while it’s still a lot easier, and you’ll find that menopause is easier to navigate, and a lot of the problems that can cause ED don’t even surface at all.

Work on having fun together

At midlife people naturally start questioning a lot of their life choices and their vision for their life. It’s going to be a time of turmoil. Your kids are moved out; your primary identity as a parent is gone, and now you have to figure out who you are all over again. It’s a time of life when many couples grow apart.

So do yourselves a favour, and prioritize having fun in the earlier years. Do hobbies together. Volunteer together. And figure out each other’s emotional needs!

 

 

So that’s it for our stages of sex series! I think if I could sum up the one thing that applies, no matter what stage of sex and stage of marriage you’re in, it would be this: Keep talking. Things are going to change. Life happens. As long as you can keep the lines of communication open, and find  a way to talk about sex, then you’re going to be okay!

Let me know: If menopause has hit for you, what have you found helps? Or what are you doing now to prepare for health challenges that may come? Let’s talk in the comments!

Posts in the “Stages of Sex” Series:

The Figuring Things Out Stage & our podcast on the Figuring Things Out Stage & what to do if you never really had honeymoon stage
The Hectic Stage (kids & jobs)!
The Glory Years
Menopause, MidLife and Beyond: This one!

Start Your Engines: How to Initiate Sex with Your Wife

How do you figure out how to initiate sex with your wife–especially if she doesn’t seem that interested in sex?

It’s podcast day on the blog today, and on the last Thursday of every month I run my podcasts specifically aimed at husbands (though I think women can listen to them, too!). I get a lot of requests from women to say things to men that I say here, so we thought that we would start doing that once a month.

But first, here’s the podcast.

 

Listen to the Podcast Here

Browse all the Different Podcasts

See the Last To Love, Honor and Vacuum Podcast

Main Segment: How to Restart Your Sex Life

This month on the blog, on our Wednesday series, we’ve been talking about the different “stages of sex” in marriage. And one of the big things I mentioned was that, for many people, the honeymoon years just aren’t that great. You get married thinking that sex is going to be amazing, but for whatever reason, it isn’t. 

I wrote about this here:

The “Figuring Things Out” Stage of Sex
How to Grieve the Honeymoon Years You Never Had

So today we thought we’d talk to the guys who didn’t have those honeymoon years. How can you start again and go back to the beginning? We talked about how women really need three things from sex: intimacy; safety; and pleasure. And often they get none of them. To focus on pleasure, do check out the post on 10 tips if she’s never reached orgasm. But what’s really needed here is to have a conversation about how to restart, and that was the big thing that Keith and I stressed today.

Need an easier way to have these conversations?

31 Days to Great Sex guides you through exercises so that you can talk about libido, frequency, intimacy, in a low-stress, easy way.

No blaming. Just solutions–and a whole lot of fun!

Let's try it!



















Reader Question: Why Won’t My Husband Initiate?

I started in with a question from a wife that I thought was worth commenting on. She asked:

 

My husband and I are recently married and we’re both fairly young. The last few months have been very frustrating for me. We’re both Christians but we did fall into temptation and became intimate before we were married. Before we were married it was hot and he initiated almost everything. But now that we’re married it’s like he never wants to have sex at all. Lately we don’t have sex unless I initiate. What do I do?

Great question! I talked about some of the reasons that sex may change once you’re married (including dealing with a pornographic view of sex), but then I launched into how men can initiate sex with their wives without turning her off.  Check out that post for more help.

Reader Question 2: My Wife Seems Like She’s Just Going Through the Motions

Here’s the opposite question: the husband is initiating, in all the right ways, but she just doesn’t respond.

 

​I’m in my late 40s, active, healthy with a very attractive wife of similar age. We are Christians and have sex on a semi regular basis. I find myself getting more frequently frustrated in recent years because I’m tired of doing things (in bed) the same old way. My wife never instigates, so I do it. I am affectionate with my wife and regular support and compliment her. We go out for dinner etc etc. I purchased your book , 31 Days…but she got offended. There’s no spice or a willingness to mix things up . I don’t think she needs it…but I do! I constantly think of my college days where the opportunity for sex was frequent but I didn’t take it because I was told and I believed Biblically ‘It was worth the wait’. I get the feeling that my wife goes through the motions… doing her duty. If I bring the topic up, it doesn’t go down well. The strange thing is we are in love and have a good marriage but I’m panicked about menopause and what time we have left.​

I get it! And I think the key is to learn how to have these conversations in a non-blaming way, but also to insist on having those conversations. I gave an example in the podcast.

I also promised I’d share these posts:

Figuring out your boundaries in the bedroom
Why Your Husband Wants You To Read this Marriage Blog (to show your wife)

And if you want to have those conversations with your wife, do check out the Get Your Marriage On app!

It’s like marriage counseling on your phone, but in a fun way. You just watch a few quick videos, and then there are practical action steps you can take. Plus there are a ton of games (including Strip Battleship!), conversation starters (including 70 that I wrote), and more. Use the code TLHV when you sign up to unlock the conversation starters.

That’s it for the podcast today! I hope you listen in, and be sure to tell your husbands and guy friends about it! Each podcast I’m also going to do a draw for 31 Days to Great Sex and the 24 Sexy Dares to someone new on my email list, so be sure to sign up here!

Let me know: What’s the hardest part of starting conversations about sex with your spouse? 

More posts in our Men’s Corner:

10 Reasons Your Wife May Not Want Sex

10 Ways a Husband Can Initiate Sex–without Turning Her Off

Noticing is Not Lusting!

Do We Understand What Rejection Does to Husbands?

Andy Savage, Who Assaulted a Girl in His Youth Group, Should Not Have a New Church

So Andy Savage, a former megachurch pastor from Memphis, is now starting a new church, despite being disqualified from ministry.

I have had a tremendously busy week. Our grandson was born exactly a week ago, and we just got back from being with Rebecca and Connor (and Alexander!) in Ottawa for a month. So I’m behind on a whole lot of things.

I was supposed to run my last post in our series on the stages of sex today, talking about the slowing down years. But this Sunday the news broke that Andy Savage has a new church. I’ve covered him extensively on the blog, from when the original scandal broke to saying that he had to resign, and I thought it was important to comment on this, because everyone’s talking about it, and I thought I had something to add to the situation. I thought I’d cover the emotional/sexual aspects of the abuse.

So yesterday, instead of writing the post for today on the stages of sex, I recorded a video. I’m going to run the video today, and then wrap up our stages of sex post on Friday.

I’m sorry I’m so out of order, but it’s just crazy getting back to work now!

So on to the topic at hand: If you’ve used your power to sexually abuse someone, you can never be a pastor again.

Can you be forgiven? Absolutely. Can you be restored? Absolutely. You can attend church, attend small group, even lead a small group. You can volunteer in prisons, in soup kitchens, in celebrate recovery groups. You can still be an active member of a church. But you cannot serve in the pulpit again, and I explain why in this video:

I’ll just summarize a few of the points here.

It’s not just about the pastor. It’s what we’re saying to the victims in the pews.

I spend a lot of time in the video explaining the trauma of sexual abuse, and how it’s so hard to heal from. And then I point out that if a pastor goes back to preaching, saying, “all of this was so long ago! And God forgives!”, what is the sexual abuse victim hearing? She’s hearing that God can restore an abuser, and make everything hunky dorey for him, while she’s still struggling to have a normal marriage, a normal relationship, freedom from flashbacks (which can last decades). That’s why this is bigger than just the one pastor’s story. This is how we treat victims in general.

The “relationship” was not “consensual”.

I hear from Andy Savage and also from other pastors in this situation that they essentially consider the relationship consensual. And so I explain here why it was not consensual–why the only reason that Jules was hanging out with him was because he was a youth pastor; why him bestowing special favour on her gave her status among her peers, which is important; why there’s a power element. Had he been a 22-year-old in a college & career group, it would be totally different. She would not have felt drawn to him in the same way.

What Is a Girl Worth?


#WeToo






One pastor is not indispensable

Sure, Andy Savage is a good preacher. But he isn’t indispensable. God doesn’t need him preaching.

People need to stop supporting him.

The reason he’s able to have a new church is because people are willing and eager to go. Others are supporting him. That has to stop. And so I draw your attention to the story of David and Saul, which I’ve talked about before in relation to Andy Savage. Saul disobeyed God several times–first by making an offering when he was not a priest. Later he didn’t follow God’s commands about the Amalekites. And God rejected him as king. But Samuel said to Saul, after the incident with the offering, that God was already preparing someone else. He had David in the wings. But a civil war eventually broke out because the people liked Saul. He had won military victories. He seemed like a good king. Why should they reject him in favour of David?

And that’s what’s happening here. People are propping up Andy Savage when they should be waiting to see who God has already prepared. Do we not believe that God can have a David in the wings?

I encourage you to watch the video. It is important. Next week I’ll be writing a post on the other side of this equation: why Andy Savage was in a bad situation as well, because 22-year-olds should not be put in charge of youth groups. But regardless of any of that, he abused his power, and he can’t be back in the pulpit now. Period. And churches need to get this right.

Jules Woodson has issued a public statement, too, and I’d like to run it here:

Andy Savage sexually assaulted me when I was 17 and he was my ordained youth pastor. He admits to sexually assaulting me. He admits that it was abuse of power.  Less than two years after this abuse was exposed, and he resigned from Highpoint Church, he has filed non-profit paperwork to plant a new church “Grace Valley Church.” When Andy sexually abused me, two other pastors, Larry Cotton and Steve Bradley failed to oversee Andy’s repentance, and failed to teach Andy that he had forever disqualified himself as a pastor, according to 1 Timothy 3 and Titus 2 in the Bible. I have listened to Andy Savage’s speech to the potential members of “Grace Valley Church,” which was published online. Andy Savage is using manipulative approaches and what are considered “grooming” tactics to gain interest and support for his church.  In his speech, Andy appeals to vulnerable, broken people and broken lives who are in need of the gospel; he asks for people to share their secrets with him and the church; Andy chuckles while saying “I got my hands on the wrong thing” referring to his past sexual abuse of me. While it is true that we are all sinners, that God’s grace is amazing and available to all of us – including Andy Savage – there is a difference between repentance and restoration to the body of Christ and restoration to being a pastor. A pastor who sexually assaults a minor in their care is who Jesus talks about in Luke 17. Morally, ethically, biblically, Andy Savage is not qualified to be a pastor. Because he has abused people when he was given a position of power, part of his repentance and restoration is to NOT be put into that position of power ever again. When a trusted pastor appeals to people to be vulnerable and to share secrets, that can be a gift to help repentance and grow a person’s faith. These are the things that Andy asked of me when I was a child to groom me for sexual abuse. He is using the same method to start Grace Valley Church. Twenty years ago, Larry Cotton and Steve Bradley supported Andy Savage.  Andy Savage is not starting Grace Valley Church without the help and support of others. Andy Savage and his supporters are setting a precedent within the church that men who have preyed upon the flock can still belong on the pulpit. This is dangerous, this is wrong and I believe that Andy’s message of “cheap Grace” leads people astray from the truth of God’s Word.

Jules Woodson

That sums it up pretty well.

What do you think? How can we stop pastors from heading back to the pulpit after disqualifying themselves? Let’s talk in the comments!

My Top 10 Tips for Dealing with Pet Allergies in Your Family

What happens when pet allergies hit your family–and affect your marriage?

I know that’s not one of my usual topics, but so many people around me are really affected by pet allergies, and as we enter the holiday season, I thought it might be a good topic to talk about.

I was really affected by allergies growing up, since in my extended family were such bad allergies that we could never have pets if we wanted to ever see them. So when I married Keith, who was also allergic, it wasn’t really a big deal to me to not have pets. I grew up accommodating pet allergies. And then when Rebecca also had a bad cat allergy (though she was spared being allergic to most dogs), it didn’t really affect us. 

But what if you’re an animal person, and then pet allergies strike?

That’s what happened to Joanna recently, and I asked her to write it up, in the hopes that we can talk more about it in the comments. so here’s Joanna!

I grew up with pets – I took several separate trips back from college to say goodbye to my beloved cat Whiskers and we almost always had a dog, wagging to greet us.

My husband, Josiah, has family members with pet allergies, so he grew up with rabbits. When we moved to Belleville last year from a horse and alpaca farm, we got a pet bunny, who was a wonderful balm for my soul as we said goodbye to all of our animal friends.

Fast forward to this summer and my daughter had been struggling with eczema that I couldn’t get to go away, in addition to food allergies. We realized, to our horror, that her eczema got significantly worse whenever she spent time with our rabbit: she is allergic. We went back to our fabulous allergist to confirm and, yes, she has allergies to dogs, cats, and (sob) bunnies. We re-homed the bunny with an absolutely wonderful family and she is living her best bunny life in Toronto at the recommendation of our allergist.

Having to get rid of a pet because of allergies while working for a marriage blog got me thinking about how pet allergies can affect our marriages.

Here are my thoughts – 10 principles to keep in mind about pet allergies and marriage

1. Talk about your experience with animals early in your relationship

If you’re looking for a significant other, talk to potential partners about your experiences and expectations with animals early in your relationship. Maybe, like my husband, you had a traumatic experience with a large dog as a small child and are nervous around them. Or perhaps, like me, you’ve grown up with pets. Maybe, for you, “must love dogs” is a dealbreaker. That’s totally fine. But know that going in so that you don’t create unnecessary heartbreak.

2. People come before animals

While we loved our bunny, we loved our baby more. Clearing up her eczema was more important than keeping the bunny in our home. Obviously, the best outcome is for the pet and allergic person to be able to coexist in the same home without any medication, but if that isn’t possible, then the human’s needs are more important.

3. For a mild allergy, try keeping the pet in a restricted area

Only 20% of pet owners who discover that they are allergic to their furry friend will re-home them. My dad is mildly allergic to cats and the fix that we came up with was for Whiskers to move into my bedroom, instead of having him go to live with a new family. That totally fixed the problem. We also kept our rabbit entirely sequestered in the basement because of Keith’s significant rabbit allergy, because we wanted Keith and Sheila to be able to visit. Even keeping a pet out of the bedroom and leaving the door shut to keep dander out can make a big difference when it comes to allergy symptoms.

4. Recognize the importance of pets in modern life

Pets are a wonderful part of our lives. I love going to my parents’ house for lots of reasons (my parents themselves chief among them) but the absolute freak out of joy from Lucy the dog that greets us when we arrive makes the long trip feel SO worth it. The love that we get from our animals is absolutely wonderful and they push us to be better people and make healthier choices. Fido needs to be walked, rain or shine. For many people who struggle with mental illness, having someone to think about outside of their disordered thoughts can be clarifying and freeing. Pets are fabulous, important, and a great benefit.

5. Medication and re-homing

My daughter’s dog allergy is, thank the Lord, not currently debilitating. We are able to visit and stay with family that has dogs with no issues, other than a bit of medication.

Because of the increased risk of asthma for children who reside with an animal they are allergic to, we needed to re-home her. If you or your loved one discovers you are allergic to a beloved pet, consider your options with medication and discuss the risks and benefits with your healthcare team. Additionally, and especially if your allergies get in the way of your life, consider allergy shots which decrease your reaction to environmental allergens like pets and pollen.

6. Pets and Extended Families

Joining the ranks of the allergy-mom club has opened my eyes to a variety of thorny issues I hadn’t truly appreciated before. A big one is the difficulty of traveling with allergies. Luckily medication works for us when it comes to allergies, but if it doesn’t for your spouse, consider staying with friends or in a hotel. Alternatively, play host to family gatherings as much as possible. It also is important to talk to your family – my parents’ dog stays out of the room where we sleep when we visit if we’re not there and she isn’t allowed on the furniture.

 

 

Sometimes extended family doesn’t understand how badly allergic you, your spouse, or your kids are to a pet. Pretty much everyone in our extended family has cats, but they know that Keith can’t handle it, and they don’t blame him for that or make him feel guilty, and they understand when we have to leave early.

But some families aren’t so lucky. That’s when heartbreak really sets in, because it feels as if they’re choosing their pet over you. I know that’s been an issue in our broader extended family at times. Often they think that  you’re making something big out of nothing. But when a child ends up in the ER with an asthma attack, it is a big deal. So even if your extended family makes you feel guilty, stand your ground, especially on behalf of your kids.

Sheila Wray Gregoire

7. What if the allergy isn’t in my immediate family?

Another big issue people run into is wanting to get a pet when a close member of their extended family is allergic. This is a thorny, difficult issue and I don’t feel that a one-size-fits-all approach is correct. First of all, I would consider the amount of damage to your relationship that would be caused by getting a pet to which they are allergic. They may, understandably, feel rejected and hurt by your choice and so you need to be very upfront and transparent with them about your choice and different people will react to you getting a pet differently. Recognize that if you choose to get a pet, they may not be able to visit you anymore, especially if their allergies are severe. It may be that the benefits of a pet outweigh the downsides for you, but be aware. And be sure to think down the road, too. If your mother-in-law has allergies and you’d like her to eventually come and visit her newborn grandchild… that will be a lot less doable if there’s a pet who she has allergies to in your home.

 

For us, this is a huge issue. Keith just can’t be around any cats and most dogs. His parents have a cat, and he and Rebecca have to medicate before family meals, and then we can only stay a few hours before his asthma gets too bad.

When Rebecca and Connor wanted to get a dog, they had to keep Keith’s allergies in mind, and so they chose a yorkshire terrier, which is hypoallergenic. But they were also aware that their baby may end up being allergic, because of all the allergies on almost all sides of their family. They didn’t want to get a dog that they would one day have to get rid of because of baby.

They wanted us to be able to help with baby, stay overnight, and visit baby, and so that meant a golden retriever was out of the picture! But luckily Winston, their yorkie, is adorable.

Sheila Wray Gregoire

8. Consider hypoallergenic!

No pet is truly hypoallergenic from a scientific perspective. But anecdotally, Keith is able to hang out with Winston with no problems at all. My daughter, though, has a dog allergy and does get eczema even around hypoallergenic dogs, though she doesn’t get hives. It may definitely be worth trying a hypoallergenic breed with people in your life who have allergies. Keep in mind that if you truly want hypoallergenic, it is best to go with a purebread poodle, shih tzu, or yorkie, as they are less likely to cause allergies than a designer breed like a golden doodle.

The Lindenbach family–with the baby bump just a LITTLE visible.

9. Find ways to enjoy pets that don’t flare allergies

My daughter, like most small kids, LOVES animals. But as she’s allergic to anything fuzzy, I’ve had to get creative. We read books about animals, I let her watch youtube clips of puppies when we’re taking a quick snuggle break, and we talk up the dogs in our life that we get to go visit whenever we can. If you’re visiting family with a pet and you have allergies, keep the party outside so that the allergens are more diluted and so that you stay away from the dander filled home.

10. Extend grace

These topics are emotional. People who love pets have terrifically strong bonds with them and simultaneously, people with pet allergies often come to dislike the animals that make them feel sick. Both of these perspectives are logical and totally fair. But they’re also at odds with each other. As animals become bigger and bigger parts of modern life, it’s important to remember to extend grace to each other and to try to see the world through another person’s eyes.

There you have it, 10 principles to keep in mind about pet allergies and marriage. Do you have any experiences with this difficult problem? Let me know in the comments!

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To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Why Your Husband Wants You to Read this Marriage Blog

This marriage blog was originally for women–married, Christian women, to be exact, although honestly anyone is welcome!

It’s about advice for marriage from a Christian perspective, and I deal with everything quite openly–including sex.

Most people who read here are women, and my hope and prayer is that we can become a real community where people can come when they have questions to real marriage problems we all face, but no good place to get answers in “real” life. Often we just don’t have people to talk to about some of our most intimate problems, and that’s one thing the internet is great for!

However, I also have some readers who aren’t women. Many husbands read this blog, and often make comments on some of my posts,

“I wish my wife would read this, but I don’t know how to ask her without getting her mad.”

Today, I want to write a post that these men can show their wives. And so I want to talk to you wives who are having a hard time when it comes to sex. A few years ago I wrote such a post, but I’d like to revamp it and run it again, because I have even more men reading now, and I’d like to write an intro for their wives. 

I’ve written a lot online to help couples who are struggling with mismatched libidos have fun again! I wrote  31 Days to Great Sex, where we looked at all kinds of different aspects to sex–from getting over difficulties to learning how to enjoy it more to just plain learning to laugh together. And I wrote The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex to help women understand that sex is so much more than physical–it’s emotional and spiritual as well (and those emotional aspects often make the physical even better!).

Like this post so far? You should also check out:

When You Have No Libido

Why Do I Never Want to Say Yes When My Husband Initiates?

What Does It Really Mean to Be Attracted to Your Spouse?

Do We Understand What Rejection Does to Husbands?

And I guess I write so much about this because sex the area that is the most contentious, and often the most difficult, in marriage, because men and women approach it so differently. And many, many men are frustrated that their sex lives aren’t better, but it just doesn’t seem to be a priority to their wives. So guys, this is the post you can show your wife. Bookmark it, and email it to her, or ask her to read it and then you can talk about it later. I’m now going to talk to your wives and explain why you want her here.

Ready? Okay, here goes.

Ladies, thank you for reading this far.

I know you likely have your back up. Why does your husband want you to read something called “To Love, Honor and Vacuum”? And what’s all this stuff about sex? Are we just going to get into that fight again?

Let me try to answer those questions by telling you a little bit about who I am and where I’m coming from, which I really think will put you at ease. This blog is called To Love, Honor and Vacuum because my first book was called “To Love, Honor and Vacuum: When you feel more like a maid than a wife and a mother“. Many women get married thinking they’re signing up for a beautiful relationship, and five years in it feels more like a job. You run around taking care of everything else, and your whole life is one big to do list rather than a passionate adventure. What went wrong?

And so I started writing about how women can work on their relationships so they find joy again, and work on organizing their lives so it’s not so chaotic.

That’s what I started to focus on. I know what it is to feel as if you spend your whole life caring for everyone else, and no one seems to be caring for you (even if it’s simply because your hubby wants to, but he’s too busy).

But the more I wrote, the more I found my niche really writing about marriage. It’s not that I don’t write about parenting anymore; it’s just that marriage is where my heart is, because if the marriage relationship goes right, then the parenting will be so much easier. And the more I wrote about marriage, the more I started focusing on sex, until before you knew it, I became the “go to girl” for all things sex. And my main book was born out of that.

That doesn’t mean that sex has come easily for me.

It hasn’t. In fact, in the first few years of my marriage I spent most of my time crying about it. “Why does this have to be so hard, God?” I would ask. I think I now have the answer. It’s because God was preparing me for this. And when I say that I understand what it is to wish sex didn’t exist, I mean it. When I say that I know what it is to wonder if it will ever feel good, I’m telling the truth. When I say that I know what it is to be so sick and tired of fighting over it, I know that, too.

For me, the problem was that sex was painful, and at the same time I felt basically zero pleasure. But I had been taught my whole life that sex was a necessary part of marriage, and that my husband needed sex to feel loved, so I forced myself to “let” Keith have sex, even though it was hurting me. Sex became entirely about him, and not about me. And it was really, really dysfunctional.

So I know what it is to hate sex and see it as a burden. 

But I also know the other side. I know how amazing it is when sex works well. I know what it is to really experience love when you make love. I know that it does feel stupendous. But it took a lot of work, a lot of humility, and a lot of refocusing of my priorities to get there. And now I can honestly say that I love my marriage!

In my surveys and in the comments to this blog, and as I talk to many men at marriage conferences, I find the commonality for so many of these guys is that they don’t just want more sex. They want their wife to be engaged in sex. They want to feel passion and intimacy together. They don’t actually WANT sex to be all about them. They feel that a lot of the traditional teaching on sex in marriage, like when the best-selling Christian marriage book Love & Respect teaches that sex is all about the husband’s physical release, is totally off. They sense there’s something far more than just physical release. There’s connection. There’s intimacy. There’s real relationship.

If your husband has sent you here, chances are that it does not mean he thinks there is something wrong with you. It does not mean he is mad at you. It does not mean he blames you for any problems in your marriage.

It means simply that he wants your marriage to thrive.

He wants it to be all that it can be. He doesn’t want to settle for mediocre; he wants it to be intimate, stupendous, exhilarating, safe, and uniting. He wants it to be joyous, and full of laughter, and full of real communion. And he thinks you really want that, too, but he’s worried that right now you’re not experiencing that together. And he wants to get past that–together.

Now, some men may be using sex as a weapon against you, and may be trying to control you. If that’s the case, this post on emotionally destructive marriages is more for you.

But most guys do want a great, mutual marriage. They don’t expect you to do all the work. They just want to find a starting point where you can begin the journey together and just talk openly about some of these things. Your husband may be hurting because he feels like both of you are missing out on all that marriage is supposed to be, and he doesn’t want to settle for that.

I have lived in a mediocre marriage, and I have lived in a stupendous, intimate marriage, and I can tell you that the latter is way better.

It is worth the effort. Maybe you’re upset because you thought you had a great marriage, and your husband obviously doesn’t. That’s okay. That just means that you still have room to grow–we all do. And if there are some areas where your spouse wants you to grow as a couple, don’t take that as a criticism of you. Take that for what it is: an indication that he loves you. He cherishes the marriage. He cherishes it so much that he doesn’t want to settle for anything less than the best.

Look, I do have a wonderful marriage, but in two weeks my husband and I will be speaking at a FamilyLife marriage conference in Whistler, British Columbia, and I know we will come home with some new tools and new thoughts about how to make our marriage better–because we always do. No marriage has ever “arrived”. No marriage is ever perfect. If your husband wants to work on something with you, that only means that he is committing himself even more fully to your marriage. That’s a good thing; not a bad thing! And if you can read what I have to say with an open mind and heart, I think you’ll find that you can get excited about what’s in store for your marriage, too!

And so I want to give you a challenge:

I really encourage you to try the 31 Days to Great Sex with your husband.

Don’t worry: It’s not 31 Days OF Great Sex. It’s 31 Days TO Great Sex. It’s 31 days of challenges that help you talk more, learn to flirt again, be more affectionate–and yes, even some steamy stuff. But it’s all about getting you to connect emotionally before you connect physically. And then getting you to feel truly intimate, too.

Isn’t that what we all really want?

Do you yearn to have a more meaningful–and fun–sex life?

Check out my 31 Day challenge that you do with your spouse. Super easy–just read a few pages a night and do what it says. Learn to talk more, flirt more, be more affectionate, spice things up, deal with baggage, and so much more!

No blaming. Just solutions–and a whole lot of fun!

Let's try it!

If that’s too big a stretch, then I encourage you to sign up for my marriage emails. When you do, you’ll start getting weekly emails about how to build your friendship, your spiritual intimacy, your sex life–and even how to handle libido and hormones.

Now seriously, ladies–no pressure. If this is too much, I understand. But your husband really wants to be close to you. Please don’t give up. In fact, you can even start exploring some of what I write about how to combat some bad teaching about sex and what sex is really supposed to be here:

Why Women’s Sexual Pleasure Matters
Can We Talk about Men’s Sexual Needs in a Healthy Way?
Godly Sex is Mutual Sex
The Theology of the Clitoris

And then there are posts on how to make sex feel great, too! Tons of them, including:

10 tips if you’ve never had an orgasm
9 Great Sex Tips for Her
How to Have an Orgasm

Just start reading, and then you’ll find links to so many other things. I hope it helps you!

Welcome to the blog. I do hope you’ll come back.

And now, to my commenters: Many women will be showing up on this post as their intro to the blog. Do you have any words of wisdom for them? Any stories of how you felt before you started reading this? Or any favourite posts? Leave a comment to welcome them (and if you remember a post, but can’t find it, just tell me what it was about and I’ll pop the link in later!) 

 

Which Internet Filter Should You Use to Protect Your Kids from Porn? Qostodio vs. Covenant Eyes

Porn is not harmless. Social media can be a minefield. And the internet can suck productive time away and cause us to miss out on important parts of our lives.

That’s why I believe parents have to get a handle on their kids’ internet usage, and why I firmly believe in having some sort of internet filtering.

However, today I’m a little preoccupied with my new grandbaby (!), so I asked Joanna, who works with me, to write up her ideas for keeping kids safe on the internet. She’s a young mom married to a techie husband with some great ideas to help you and your family navigate these difficult waters.

This post contains affiliate links.

I was born in 1990 and I had my first video game when I was a preschooler.

It was a coloring program and I loved filling everything in with my two favorite colors: baby pink and periwinkle blue. What makes me laugh today? That game was on a floppy disk. We unplugged our phone line when I was in elementary school to connect to the internet and I remember debating my friends about which search engine was better. I now have to capitulate to Zach that he was right: Google reigns supreme.

Today’s kids are growing up in a completely different world.

Most children have tablets of their own before they hit school age and instead of the benign coloring game of my youth, today’s games are optimized to create addictive or compulsive behavior and to take advantage of the wiring of kid’s brains. But it’s not all bad.  My daughter (who is 19 months) FaceTimes with her grandparents most days, which allows her to have meaningful relationships with our family who are far away. When my grandmother moved away from her own mom when she had little ones, they weren’t even able to call each other on the phone – they sat and had coffee at the same time in their different cities and knew they were together in spirit. Technology allows my mom and me to sit and chat over coffee from across an international border and I am so grateful for that.

Parenting in today’s complex, totally connected world requires holding two things in tension: protecting vulnerable kids while increasing resilience. Research shows that not allowing children to have spaces to take risks, fail, and try again is bad for emotional development. But also I’m terrified of being remiss and having something horrible happen, or having my daughter be taken advantage of by someone who doesn’t have her best interest at heart.

Take the “bronie” subculture that has infiltrated kid’s cartoons and has created spaces that are unsafe for our children. There is an internet saying that, “if it exists, there is porn of it” and, unfortunately, it is true, even for kids’ media. A child searching for a favorite my little pony character on google may stumble upon very adult depictions of that same character. Many of the showrunners who are currently working in children’s animation got their start creating pornographic or semi-pornographic images of cartoon characters for adult enjoyment. All of this is terrifying for me as a young mom. I want my daughter to be able to look up a my little pony, without seeing one pole dancing. (Wish I was joking here.)

And then there’s all the research coming out about how early porn use and porn exposure affects kids long-term. Authorities recently busted several hundred people in the largest child pornography sting to date, and most were white-collar workers in their 20s in Korea, who had never been in a relationship. But they had been hooked on porn since they were young teens. And boys are not the only ones who use porn. Teenage girls are increasingly at risk  of developing a porn addiction, too.

It’s really easy to read this kind of stuff and think, “alright then, back to 1855 for us. Let’s go live without internet and see how that serves us.” But that’s totally impractical for one – I don’t have a time machine – and it also throws away all of the benefits of technology.

Right now, I can choose what media I allow my daughter to consume. But my days of having complete control are going to go away.

I am absolutely all for allowing her to have appropriate guard rails at our home so that she is safe when using technology. We’ll come up with screen time limits that work for our family as our daughter grows while also allowing her to enjoy the many wonderful things that come along with screens. For example, I definitely want to teach her to code! Being a woman who codes is one of the great pleasures of my professional life, for whatever reason, and I want her to feel the rush of capability that comes with getting a file to execute. (/overlyexcitedrant).

One of the tricky parts of parenting today is the necessity of putting parental controls on kids’ devices.

The world really is out to get our kids and online communities are often unsafe for children. But there’s a fine line between parental controls and spying and these are difficult waters for both kids and parents. I think knowing your child, having a track record of trust, and keeping conversation going are incredibly important as we navigate these difficult waters.

Regardless of what features you decide are important for your family in particular, it’s important to have some sort of filtering software in your home to protect your kids and put up guard rails to keep the benefits of technology while doing away with a lot of the dangers. If you’ve been around the blog for awhile, you’re probably aware of our deep and abiding love for Covenant Eyes, an internet filtering and porn prevention service. But recently, Sheila and Tammy discovered Qustodio, which is a parental control service and internet filtering service that we also want to tell you about.

First of all: here’s a comparison of the features for each one!

Feature







Qustodio







Covenant Eyes

Internet Filtering

Yes

Yes, with specific focus on blocking adult websites

Location Tracking

Yes, with panic button included on android

No

Reporting

No reports sent, but browser history is available, including youtube search history and Facebook usage reports

Updates and reports sent to accountability partner or parent

Screen Time Limits

Yes, including limits per user across devices

No

Prevent Apps from Opening at Certain Times of Day

Yes, including limits per user across devices

No

Call Tracking

Yes, call and text tracking is included

No

Number of Devices Supported

Various price points support up to 5, 10, and 15 devices

Unlimited, up to 10 users

I need Qustodio!





I need Covenant Eyes!











Why you might be a Qustodio household

I was really excited when Sheila and Tammy recently told me about Qustodio. They offer web filtering, location tracking (so that you can see where the device is–and where your child is), technology usage limits, social media tracking, and allows all of that to be done across devices. It’s a great service and has won PC magazine’s editor’s choice award for its customization, ease of use, and versatility.

Honestly, as an adult I love so much of this, too. If I could give myself a 20 minute limit on certain sites a day, then I likely wouldn’t waste so much time! And if you could shut down your kids’ access to the internet at 10:30 pm, for instance, I bet a lot of porn use would disappear.

Qustodio offers a fuller range of services but does not include pornography controls specifically. It will filter the web, but does not include a report specifically geared towards porn, like Covenant Eyes. For families for whom porn addiction is not a current problem, Qustodio offers web filtering and a variety of other controls that are easy to use and practical.

Pricing for Qustodio is $54.95 annually to cover 5 devices, $96.95 annually to cover 10, and $137.95 to cover 15. Use code QUST10 for 10% off your order AND they offer a free 3 day trial so you can give it a try before committing. Check it out now!

Why you might be a Covenant eyes household

Covenant Eyes is amazing at blocking pornography. It also has great filtering technology, blocks adult websites, and sends screenshots of blurred out images to an accountability partner. It also sends updates and reports to that partner. It’s an amazing option for those who are dealing with pornography as it is hard to work around and includes a lot of safe guards. While it would certainly work for families, it doesn’t offer the range of options that Qustodio does. However, it can be used with an unlimited number of devices and up to 10 users for $183.99 annually. If you’re dealing with a porn problem in your home – Covenant Eyes is for you! Use the code TLHV to get your first 30 days free.

What are your rules for screen time with kids? How have you navigated these difficult waters? Let me know in the comments!

Found this post helpful? You may also benefit from:

4 Things You Must Do if Your Husband Uses Porn

10 Things to Know About How Porn Affects Your Sex Life and Marriage

Is Porn Stealing His Sex Drive?

You Can Recover From Your Husband’s Porn use

Watching Your Baby Go Through Labour is Hard–But Then There’s This

I have always said that Katie was my worst labour.

With Rebecca, I was in labour for 10 hours. We got to the hospital too early, and they made me walk around the cafeteria for a few hours. I remember I spent most of that time in the bathroom at Women’s College Hospital in Toronto, having contractions while sitting on a toilet, with  my mom in the next stall, trying to talk me through it. When they finally admitted me, I spent most of the time in a hospital room with just Keith. They barely checked on me, it was awful, and then, when it was time to push, she had some heartrate decelerations and they had to vacuum her out. I had a really severe tear, and my mom ended up holding her for her first hour of life while I got sewn up.

I always thought that labour was bad until Christopher was induced, and the pain was a LOT worse. Much harder to cope with. (he had to be induced because my water broke, and he was a high risk pregnancy and had to be born during the day when all the doctors were around, since he had a serious heart condition. He passed away a few weeks later).

And then there was Katie. I had been in early labour for about 5 days, but not making much progress. Regular contractions would happen for about 2 hours and then go away. We went to the hospital several times that week and they kept sending me home.

Real contractions began at midnight, and she was born at 5:15 a.m. It was fast, and the pain was incredible. Just awful. THAT was bad. That was the measuring stick I always used for how bad labour could be.

Until this week, when I saw my daughter in labour.

She had the opposite problem with Katie. Katie came quickly but horrendously painfully. Rebecca was in labour for a full 23 hours, and for about 10 of that she was having regular, painful contractions, but she was stalled.

Through the entire 23 hours, the longest break she had was 6 minutes. When she finally did progress, her pain was as bad as Katie by far, because she went from 6 cm to pushing in very, very little time. The only difference was when she went through that she had already been in labour for like 20 hours.

Yet when it came time to push, her whole demeanor changed, and Connor’s demeanor changed, and she was a champ, and he was out in 15 minutes, and he’s just perfect.

It is very, very hard to see your daughter in labour when labour is hard.

But it is amazing to see your daughter (and your son-in-law!) with a baby.

He’s 8 pounds 1 ounce, and he’ll be coming home in a few hours. Katie spent yesterday with us getting to know her nephew.

And my mom came down too to meet her great-grandson.

He’s eating super well, and everything on him is working perfectly. So we’re all very grateful, if a little bit tired. (P.S. I have amazing pictures of Connor with the baby, and he honestly is an amazing dad, but Katie took them with her phone, and it’s early here, and I don’t want to text her to get them. So just trust me that he’s awesome with the baby, and I’m sure that pics of him with little Alexander will make their way into subsequent posts!) Pics of the new grandparents will have to suffice.

But Katie will no longer be my standard for a bad labour. Really, the worst labour is the labour that someone you love is going through, when you can’t really help much. That’s the worst. But what makes it bearable is the tremendous blessing you get at the end.

I know that some of you are going through difficult times with infertility or baby loss, and I hope this post doesn’t add to your pain. Believe me, I’ve been there. I’ve had a miscarriage, and I endured a baby death. And I know what it’s like to be petrified through an entire pregnancy that something bad is going to happen. In the broader circle of those who work for the blog, Joanna has also had a life-threatening miscarriage this year, and she’s been dealing with struggling to conceive as well. She shared a few posts on that, too, especially on learning to go to baby showers despite what she was feeling. 

But we also had so many praying for Rebecca during her pregnancy, and I wanted to give this update. Thank you so much for those of you who aren’t just on the email list, but are also signed up for our prayer list. So I understand how hard baby stuff is to read about, and I hope this hasn’t added to any pain. I just also want to share our joy at being grandparents, and it’s sometimes a hard balance to find.

And for something completely different: I had quite the big threads on Twitter last weekend about Emerson Eggerichs giving sermons where he minimizes abuse. You can see one such thread here. 

In this clip, Eggerichs gives reasons women protest about his “respect” message (giving husbands unconditional respect), including having a narcissistic husband or being emotionally abused. He uses abuse & NPD as the butt of jokes, and insinuates that women are making up excuses. pic.twitter.com/yPEGRHduY2

— SheilaGregoire (@sheilagregoire) October 18, 2019

Quite the firestorm. So there’s lots going on in my life, and lots to update you with! But right now I’m grateful for the 10 hours of sleep I had last night after not sleeping for two nights straight, and we’re on our way to pick up two new blissful parents and one baby, and bring them all back home.

What about any of you? Any awful stories about labour? Let’s talk in the comments!

He’s HERE!

Baby Lindenbach arrived in the wee small hours of this morning. Mommy and baby are both doing well, but everyone is very tired after a very long day of work. Sheila asked me to specifically tell you all what an absolutely amazing support Connor was throughout Rebecca’s long labor. Please pray for a swift recovery for Rebecca and that sweet boy is an easy baby and sleeps and eats well. We’ll give more updates soon, but wanted to make sure you all knew the big news here at To Love, Honor, and Vacuum!