Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 72

6 Ways to Connect in the Middle Years of Marriage

Can your marriage stay close in those middle years?

All month we’ve been talking about the different stages of sex–how sex changes as you get older and your marriage grows. We talked about the honeymoon years, the busy years, and the glory years. This week we’re turning to menopause, and so I thought it would be good to talk about other aspects of the marriage in these years.

Debbie Cunningham has recently written an amazing book, “Dancing in the Kitchen“, and she sent me this super fun post.

Those middle years of marriage are such a transitional season. You and your spouse could be looking for revitalization in your jobs, aspirations, even your home. Lots of remodels happen in the middle years. Maybe it is because with kids out on their own and gained equity in our house we finally have the money!

What about your marriage? This season of transition can sometimes hit relationships hard where couples drift apart instead of drawing closer together. Connecting in the middle years might feel daunting. Especially if you have spent the last 20 years organizing your calendar around your job or your kid’s schedules and not being intentional about cultivating time together as husband and wife.

Your friends may have all been the parents of your kid’s friends and now everyone has scattered. Or you may not have kids at all but still have not had a real date with your spouse in years and you might be wondering, “How do we re-connect now?” Many couples become complacent at this time believing this is as good as it gets. Don’t let that be you! If you find that happening, here are a few strategies to build deeper connection with one another.

Make laughter and fun a priority again!

Many couples find themselves lacking in the fun department about this point in life. I mean when was the last time you and your spouse really laughed together? Most likely, sharing fun activities started your whole relationship. You dated didn’t you? Perhaps you went out to dinner, tried new hobbies, went bowling, hiking, went to concerts, movies or the theater together? That is how you began to discover this person you fell in love with in the first place.

Remember how you felt? You prioritized everything around those times!

Yet, somewhere on our journey as husbands and wives, having fun together seems to slip to the bottom of our to-do list as if it isn’t a necessity. But it is. Life can be challenging and Proverbs 17:22 reminds us

“A cheerful heart is good medicine but a downcast spirit dries up the bones”

Proverbs 17:22

….and your relationship!

My husband and I learned this lesson at one of the most difficult times in our lives. When our son Drake was a newborn, we found out our 3-year-old daughter Deanna was going to need open-heart surgery in a few months. The stress of those months facing uncertainty if she would live or not was grueling and it strained our relationship.

I felt like I had a ton of bricks on my chest, and started having chest pressure. So I went to my doctor. What he said surprised me. “All the tests came back and you are fine but you are under a lot of stress. You and your husband need to find a way to have fun together at this time even though your daughter is sick. Watch a funny movie, have dinner with friends, just do something lighthearted. It is important for your health and your relationship.”

We realized then that connecting through having fun together was really important and we’re still practicing that lesson… 32 years and counting!

Refresh your perspective and practice intentional kindness

Sometimes in a long-term relationship it is easy to get annoyed with your spouse. You know, when all those things you initially found endearing really start to get on your nerves. When I feel this way, I frequently ask myself this question: “If my husband only had 6 months to live would this really bother me or would I overlook it?” Usually, I’d overlook it, realizing that my husband was not intentionally trying to frustrate me, just over-stressed with life at the moment.

Remember how easy it was to overlook those little annoyances in your relationship when you first fell love though? You even went out of your way to grab a quick kiss or do something unexpectedly kind for your spouse on a regular basis. You would even inconvenience yourself because you were so head over heels in love. Try doing that again.

Really.

Even if you are currently feeling annoyed, choose to do something intentionally kind for your spouse, maybe once a day, just to love them well. It could be sending an ‘I love you’ message via text or a sticky note, running that errand or bringing them coffee, picking up dinner when they’ve had a hard day, giving a 5 minute shoulder rub or picking the clothes off the floor without mentioning it this time and without expectation in return. It is a smart practice to be good Samaritans to our spouse as well as strangers. This is love as a verb, not a feeling, but you just might be surprised at how you feel afterward.

Find an activity you both enjoy doing together

This is not a “date” but a shared activity you do somewhat routinely. Especially in the middle years of marriage this can be a relationship life preserver. It can really bridge the gap when you are at odds. Volunteering, gardening, bike riding, walking, praying together, a hobby the two of you enjoy, dancing, bowling, cooking together, sitting on the porch swing quietly or discussing your day…just something that you routinely do instead of doing separate things in the same room. That is also fine of course. However, having a routine activity you both enjoy doing together builds a connecting point in your relationship. You can do the activity, even when you are working through issues.

My friend Anita and her husband ride their tractor around their farm together at night to watch the fireflies. My husband and I take ballroom dance lessons for fun and we also walk regularly for our health. Sometimes we “feel” close when we are walking and sometimes we are choosing to “be” close even though we’ve had a disagreement. What’s surprising is that sometimes choosing to be close and go for the walk, even if we don’t feel like it, softens our response to one another and helps to build deeper connection. That’s a win-win.

Revitalize your communication and listening skills

We all have disagreements with our spouse. In midlife men and women both have lots of changing emotions. About this time couples might notice they’ve fallen into a rut of bad communication habits and resentments may start to emerge.

Here is the key: Listen and share without blame, shame or judgment, without trying to fix the problem and without interrupting, even if you disagree .

Find a way to create regular space in your life to just talk about what’s bothering you or doesn’t seem to be working in your relationship. It is vital we give each other permission to share our heart without penalty. It builds deeper emotional connection when we can safely share our feelings. Also turn off the TV and put down your phone too. This is a respectful way to listen to your spouse and make sure they feel heard. (I’m constantly surprised at how many couples try to discuss issues while scrolling on their smart phones.
Share without judgment. When you are the one sharing your frustration do it without blaming or shaming your spouse. A great lead in is, “When you did or said (blank), I felt (blank).” Our feelings are neither right nor wrong but our feelings get us into trouble when we shift to shaming or blaming each other. That doesn’t resolve anything.

Get curious and ask your spouse questions. When you do respond, instead of dismissing their feelings because you don’t see it that way, try to see from their perspective, not just yours. Perhaps they have misunderstood what you meant. Perhaps something you said or did triggered a wound from their past. A great question to ask in response is, “How could I have communicated differently that would have been more helpful to you?” or “what could I do differently next time this issue arises?” Make a commitment to work on the issues together.

My friends Lisa and Kenneth learned to better communicate many years into their marriage during Kenneth’s military career. He said this was hard for him at first, to be so vulnerable and express his feelings to his wife. Their lifestyle had become one of managing frequent moves and deployments so much that they felt like roommates instead of lovers. It was Kenneth that brought up the struggle they were having and asked for honest discussion to find a solution. Lisa tends to avoid conflict but they knew the problem couldn’t be fixed by ignoring it. They both listened to how the other felt even when the message was hard to hear and after making a few changes their marriage is better than ever!

Take time to Dream together again

Remember all those starry-eyed plans you had when you first started dating? Well, chances are life might not have turned out exactly as you hoped. Now is the time to dust those dreams off and think about creating new ones! Of course you may have individual goals and dreams but think about your life as a couple. Try writing a bucket list together. You might not get to check them all off but at least you have some goals to reach toward. That alone will give you a shared activity to pursue for the rest of your life.

Celebrate and have gratitude

Think about how far you’ve come in your relationship. There have been joys and sorrows but here you are, still together. Have gratitude for all you have come through. My husband and I have always been big about celebrating the little things in life as well as the big events. It doesn’t take much.

Celebrating is just about being intentional to set aside a moment of gratitude.

Sometimes we celebrate that a particularly tough season is finally ending!

We might cook a special meal or go out to dinner and thank God for the ability to move forward. It is not just about celebrating accomplishment. We can also celebrate courage through trials as well. It fosters joy in life to have gratitude.

Celebrate milestones you reach, what you currently have, even if meager at the time and keep on celebrating with gratitude as you grow together through the years. I know life isn’t always rosy but it is short. See every day as an adventure worth taking with the one you love!

She has been married to her high school sweet heart, Derek, for 32 years and delights to be the mother of two and grandma of one! Debbie spends her time performing with her jazz quartet, speaking at marriage & women’s conferences and coaching in her spare time. She loves traveling with her hubby, pausing for a sunset or afternoon tea and is always on the lookout for a good gluten free recipe!

Debbie Cunningham

www.debbiecunningham.net

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Published on October 22, 2019 04:06

Reader Question: My Husband Wakes me Up for Sex

If your husband wakes you up for sex, or starts sex with you when you’re asleep, is that okay?

A reader sent me a link to a post that The Transformed Wife did recently where she was telling a woman that being woken up for sex when she didn’t want to be is a-okay, and not rape, and part of loving your husband.

Now, I normally don’t pay a lot of attention to Lori Alexander, because her views are so toxic and aren’t Christian at all, and it’s likely better to normally ignore them. I did address her post on how men prefer debt-free virgins without tattoos to show that she was missing the gospel entirely, but in general I steer clear.

However, I wrote a post a few years ago about being woken up for sex, and I was thinking of re-running it anyway, and this gives me a great opportunity to combat this unhealthy teaching and try to provide a better perspective. So here’s an older reader question from a woman who says, “My husband wakes me up for sex!”:

Every Monday I like to post a Reader Question and take a stab at it. Here’s a difficult situation, where a woman asks, “my husband wakes me up for sex. Is that really reasonable?”

Reader Question

I may be being a bit selfish here, so I need to ask your opinion. We just had another baby a few weeks ago. Now there will be times when I initiate and my husband says no, which I am okay with. But then he will want to a few minutes later. Now this doesn’t seem like it should be an issue, but for example, today I had to go to work and knew I would be leaving in a half an hour. I offered for us to have a quickie before I had to go. He said he was okay. Then right before I had to leave, he asked if we could go in the bedroom. I got frustrated but didn’t want to deny him which of course killed the mood for him and he got frustrated.

Also our baby isn’t sleeping through the night yet. When we go to bed I am normally pretty tired already, I initiate and he normally wants to, but there are nights where he doesn’t…when I initiate, then as soon as I fall asleep, he wakes me up and says he is horny (or he will wake me up early in the morning around 5. I am a sound sleeper so I normally sleep through it and he’ll make comments about how I didn’t wake up to have sex).

I don’t want to deny, but it is so frustrating and I feel like he isn’t being at those times considerate. How can I communicate this to him in a loving way? Or am I being in-considerate? Any tips or help?

Let’s paint this picture a little more: They have a newborn. She offers him sex frequently, and he sometimes says no. Then he’ll come back and ask for sex at a really inconvenient time, and get annoyed when she doesn’t wake up.

Wow, there are a lot of issues here which make me a little uncomfortable, so let’s start with some fundamentals.

First Principles About Sex in Marriage that Apply if Your Husband Wakes You up for Sex
Consent is Still Necessary in Marriage

To have sex without someone’s consent is rape. To have sex in marriage without someone’s consent is ALSO rape–it’s called marital rape, and it’s real.

Now, some couples don’t mind being woken up for sex, and it’s part of their fun sex life, and that’s fine. That’s giving consent ahead of time, and that’s a-okay.

But if you have said, “I don’t like this, and I don’t want this,” and then someone does it anyway, that is having sex against your will and without your consent, and it does count as rape.

If you do not want this to happen, tell him clearly. Say to him, “I am not consenting to having sex in the middle of the night, and you need to stop.” If he refuses, please call an abuse hotline.

A few other things:

Sex Should Be Mutual

Sex isn’t just about using each other for your own pleasure. Sex is about sharing something together. It isn’t just physical; it’s also emotional and spiritual as well. That doesn’t mean that every time you have sex that the earth has to move for both of you, but it is about sharing something together, not using someone. There’s one part of the letter which could be taken in two ways; I’m not sure if she’s saying she sleeps through the times he ASKS her for sex, or if she’s saying she sleeps through sex. If he is having sex with her while she is asleep, that concerns me greatly. There is no consent going on, and there is absolutely no mutuality.

I’ve written more about how sex should be mutual and how godly sex is mutual sex.

Read the Do Not Deprive Series:

Do Not Deprive: Are Women the Ones More Likely to Be Deprived?

Godly Sex is Mutual Sex!

Why We Need a New Definition of Sex

10 Times It’s Okay to Say No to Sex

To Say “Not Now” is Not the Same as To Refuse or Deny

We aren’t to deny our spouses (I’ve written a three-part series on what that means as well). But it is not denying to say no to sex when you’re late for work, especially if you had given him the opportunity thirty minutes earlier. We are not obligated to act as if we’re at our husband’s beck and call sexually, with no regard to our feelings or our needs. Again, sex should be mutual.

Respect Should Be the Cornerstone of any Relationship–and waking you up for sex without your consent is not respectful.

What does respect mean? It means that you value the person as a person. You don’t view your spouse simply through the lens of what they can do for you; you hold them in high esteem based on who they are. If a spouse is asking for sex while you’re passed out cold because you’re exhausted with a newborn, and then getting cranky about that, or demanding sex right before you have to leave, that does not show respect. You are not required to give your husband sexual favours when you are out of commission yourself.

Sure, playing “beat the clock” when you’re both into it and it’s something you’re laughing about together is one thing. Having someone consistently ask for sex at the worst possible times, even when they know it’s a bad time, is something else entirely.

Self-Control is a Christian Virtue and a Fruit of the Spirit

Asking someone to wait twelve hours until you can both enjoy it and both be there mentally and physically is not unreasonable. Again, you’re not saying “no”. You’re saying “not now, but soon.”

Sex Should Never Be Used a Power-Ploy

The fact that he’s refusing sex when she’s offering, and then demanding it when it’s inconvenient, is a huge red flag to me. What it signals to me is that he only wants sex when it’s a way that he can exert power over her and make her feel uncomfortable. That makes me worry that he’s got an underlying personality disorder, like narcissism, or that he’s extremely insecure and needs to exert power to feel good about himself. Either way, it’s not healthy.

Women can also use sex as a power-ploy, by denying their husbands sex time and time again until the husband is run down or humiliated, or until the husband does or says what the wife wants him to. When either spouse uses sex to try to control the other’s behaviour or to exert power over the other, that is actually abusive.

Those are some foundational principles. Now, with that background, what would I say to this woman?

God made sex to be AWESOME!

It’s supposed to be great physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Feel like something’s missing?

Check out The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex!

Create a Relationship that is Mutual and Respectful

It seems to me that there’s a really unhealthy dynamic being set up in this marriage. They both seem to have this idea that when he wants sex, she should not say no to sex, even if it’s inconvenient. He’s come to expect that, and he expresses displeasure if she says no (even though he often says no to her). This makes her into a sexual object, not a person.

I love this quote from Leslie Vernick:

Ladies, I talk so much on this blog about how we need to initiate more, and how we should be having sex frequently, both for him, but also for ourselves. I talk about how men need sex. But I absolutely do not believe that this means that you should let yourself become an object to him. That isn’t glorifying to God or helpful to your husband or your kids.

What does God want? He wants each of us to resemble Jesus more and more. According to Romans 8:29, it’s His will that we should be transformed into the likeness of Jesus. We should be looking more and more like Him.

If you are allowing your husband to treat you with disrespect, you are encouraging him to look less like Jesus.

You are setting up a dynamic in your marriage where your feelings and your needs are considered unimportant. Do that for long enough, and it will be easy for your husband to overlook you as a person, and see you only in terms of what you can do for him. And that is not a healthy dynamic for the kids to witness.

You can’t DEMAND respect, but you can COMMAND it.

Why do some husbands treat wives horribly? Obviously the main reason is a flaw in the husband’s character. But the reason that this behaviour continues is that the wife tolerates it, and has not set up boundaries. It sounds like this couple has set up a dynamic where he thinks he can get whatever he wants whenever, without thinking about her at all. And the reason that he thinks that is that she has not taken action when he has treated her badly. Becoming a sexual object for your husband does not point either of you in the direction of Christ.

Now, if saying no to your husband would result in you being hurt, please, please, please call the police or a domestic abuse hotline. But otherwise, it’s okay to set some clear boundaries.

So how would I handle this? I would begin by starting to be very forthright. This woman hasn’t been happy with the way things are, but she also hasn’t said very much about it. He has expressed his displeasure; she doesn’t mention expressing hers. In fact, the whole tone of her letter (and I edited some out) seemed to be, “do I have a right to feel a little bit upset, and to ask him not to do this?”

Let’s practice this. It’s 10 p.m., and you’re heading to bed because you know the baby will need to eat in a few hours and you need to get some sleep. So you say to your husband,

“I’m going upstairs now. If you want to come, I’d love it, because I’d love to have some fun with you tonight. But I really need sleep, so it’s now or never, baby!”

You can say it in a fun way, but be very clear: you will not be making love in the middle of the night because you need to sleep.
If you’re willing to have a “quickie” during the day, and you offer and he says no, that’s fine. But then if he comes back half an hour later, at a time that is really inconvenient, you simply say,

“I’m sorry, babe, but you missed your chance! I’ll try to find some time tomorrow.”

Start saying this enough, and he’ll start taking you seriously when you initiate, realizing that it’s now or never.

Will he be upset? Perhaps. That’s okay. He’s allowed to have his feelings, after all. But you’re allowed to have yours, too, and you can talk about it, and just say,

“I want to have a great sex life, and you are an amazing lover. But there are other things I need to get done, too, and I need my sleep. So let’s look at how we can find times to make love where it’s for both of us, not just for you, and where I can still get the sleep that I need.”

If he continues to be upset, then you need to let him have space to have his feelings (and you may need to get outside help as well). But it is not okay to set up a dynamic where you become an object, rather than a human being with real needs.

It is not okay to set up a dynamic where you become an object, rather than a human being with real needs.

(Click here to tweet this quote)

Other Posts about Not Being a Sexual Object:

I Hate it When My Husband Touches me THERE!
If You Can’t Have Sex, Do You Have to “Lend a Hand” Anyway?
Godly Sex Should Be Mutual Sex

Finally, to reiterate: I do believe that both spouses’ needs are important. So don’t take any of this advice to mean, “Great! It’s okay to say no every single time I’m tired!”, especially if you’re tired every night. I’m just saying that in the context of a marriage where there is regular, frequent sex, let’s make sure that we’ve got lots of respect going on, and that sex is totally a mutual thing.

And seriously–if he continues to have sex with you while you’re asleep when you have told him no, that is not safe, that is wrong, and it needs to be dealt with. Call an abuse hotline; see a licensed counselor for help; or even call the authorities. This isn’t right, and he needs to understand that he is breaking the law and that you are not an object.

I’d love your thoughts now, too! What do you think about a husband who wakes you up for sex frequently? How do you handle that? Let me know in the comments!

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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.

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Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:

10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?

Check out some of Sheila's Books:

The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum

Check out Sheila's Courses:

The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course

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Published on October 21, 2019 04:17

David Raped Bathsheba: Why It’s Important that We Allow for This Interpretation

Rachael Denhollander said that David raped Bathsheba.

And then everything broke loose.

She said it two weeks ago at the Caring Well conference from the Southern Baptist Convention, talking about how to recognize sexual abuse. But after she said it, a pastor from Chicago tweeted this (and I replied):

Are you also saying that it’s impossible for a sexual assault victim to ever speak authoritatively on gender dynamics issues because they’re clouded?But you can, because you’re not biased? How is that not revictimizing the abused, by painting them in a corner?— SheilaGregoire (@sheilagregoire) October 5, 2019

Jacob, Rachael’s husband, called him out on this. He did an amazing job on Twitter last week defending Rachael and showing how a completely valid (and I think most faithful to the text) interpretation of Scripture is, indeed, that David raped. And many others jumped in, too, so it was quite a firestorm.

I’d like today to summarize those arguments about David raping Bathsheba, and then sum up why this debate matters.

So let’s go over some of the elements of the narrative in the David and Bathsheba story, found in 2 Samuel 11-12, that suggest the encounter was rape.
1. David was not where he was supposed to be.

The framing of this story, before anything else unfolds, was that David was not where he was supposed to be:

In the spring, at the time when kings go off to war, David sent Joab out with the king’s men and the whole Israelite army. They destroyed the Ammonites and besieged Rabbah. But David remained in Jerusalem.

2 Samuel 11:1

The story opens with David in the wrong.

2. Bathsheba was performing ritual bathing after her purification from menstruation.

In verse 4, the text says that “she was purifying herself from her monthly uncleanness.” This tells us a few things: she wasn’t pregnant already; and she was a devout follower of the law. The story opens with David in the wrong–and Bathsheba being a faithful believer.

Also, many have said that she should not have been bathing there; that she was deliberately enticing David. However, many scholars argue that bathing in one’s courtyard was normal. It would have been private–except from the palace. David’s palace was on a hilltop, where he could overlook the city. She was going about her normal business, in her own home. He was snooping.

3. He sent for her and “took” her

David sent messengers for her. And you can’t say no to a king!

People on Facebook were saying that because she didn’t cry out, it wasn’t rape, and because it wasn’t violent it wasn’t rape. They were pointing to Deuteronomy 22, where the rape codes say that if you’re raped in a city, you have to cry out to charge someone with rape, whereas if you’re raped in the country, you don’t. Since Bathsheba was in a city, then to believe this was rape, she would have had to cry out.

However, the point of that Old Testament passage is a simple one, that Scott Coley deals with wonderfully in this twitter thread (click on the little blue bird to see the whole thread):

Nothing, @DennyBurk ? Alright, I’ll tell you what I think. I think no one was stoned (per Deut. 22:23-24) because David was the king. https://t.co/QSSj3k0F97—

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Published on October 18, 2019 04:06

PODCAST: How to Actually Get Your Life Together

Ever feel like no matter how hard you try, you don’t have your life together?

Whether it’s finances, or homemaking, or cooking, or budgeting, or getting your kids to eat or sleep–whatever it is, you feel as if everyone else is doing a better job than you are.

Sometimes it’s the influence of social media. Sometimes it’s our own insecurities. But whatever the issue, Rebecca and I have a way forward for you that’s relatively painless and that can actually work.

We actually weren’t planning on recording a podcast this week, because we thought the baby would be here and we’d be sharing pictures. But we’re still waiting, so we sat down and shared some things that were on our hearts. Listen in!

Listen to the Podcast Here

Browse all the Different Podcasts

See the Last “Start Your Engines” (Men’s) Podcast

Why don’t we ask for help?

We’re still waiting for baby, and Keith and I have been staying in our chilly RV (here’s Keith and Katie, the one night that Katie stayed with us, too) while we wait.

This week Rebecca and I took her dog for a walk, and while we did we got to talking about why it is that we don’t ask for others’ advice enough.

Because let’s face it: Sometimes other people are just better than us at things. Recently Katie totally redecorated Rebecca’s living room, without really buying anything new, but just moving things around. It looks great! But that’s Katie’s gifting. It’s not Rebecca’s. And rather than feeling like she’s inadequate and stewing about it, Rebecca just asked Katie to help, and she had a blast.

Sometimes others are better than us for any number of reasons:

Natural giftings
More training (like they grew up in a house where this was second nature)
Interest (they’ve already researched and investigated)
Experience (they’ve done it more)

Yet sometimes rather than acknowledge that someone is genuinely better than us in an area, we justify ourselves. We figure out all the reasons why they just have it easy, or all the reasons why that could never work for us.

So in today’s podcast, we challenge you to something relatively simple and life-changing:

Can we just be humble enough to ask for help and advice?

Why don’t we help well?

And then, the flipside: are we making ourselves available to help others? Do we appear so perfect on social media that we’re unapproachable? Do we judge those that aren’t as good as us in an area? Do we gossip about people who don’t have it all together?

Again, the answer is simple: humility, rather than pride.

If everyone asks for help, and then gives help, we’d all learn so much, and we’d grow closer, too.

That’s the key to healthy community. We had fun recording this one, and I hope you’ll listen in!

And let me know: Have you ever asked a friend for help or advice in an area? What happened?

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Published on October 17, 2019 04:44

Stages of Sex Series: The Glory Years When Things Are Going Great

Yes, it’s true–you can have years in your marriage when sex is going great!

We’re talking on Wednesdays in the month of October about the different stages of sex in marriage. We’ve covered:

The Honeymoon Years–when sex often ISN’T actually that great because you’re figuring things out
The Busy Years–when kids come or life gets busy and sex can fall by the wayside

And now I want to turn to the glory years when sex is going great!

In my surveys for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex I found that, in general, those glory years tended to be years 16-24 of marriage. You’ve been together for long enough that you feel totally comfortable with one another. You’re totally committed to one another. You’ve figured things out. Life isn’t as exhausting anymore. And now things can get great!

But for some of you, the glory years may kick in much earlier, and some of you may get there much later.

But today, I want to talk about how to ride the wave of those glory years, whenever they may be, and also how to keep them going longer. Let’s define glory years as the years when she is finding it easier to reach orgasm; you have sex quite regularly and no one’s libido is in the toilet; and you feel freer in the bedroom.

You’ve figured out the things I shared last week about how to make orgasm more likely; you’ve dealt with a lot of the baggage and the porn and other things I warned about in the Honeymoon Stage; and you’re coasting. I don’t want to spend today talking about how to make sex feel good, then, but just how to make these years as great as possible, and how to prolong them.

Celebrate and flirt a lot!

If you’re like many couples, you’ve had those years (or months) when things weren’t just humming along. You’ve made those breakthroughs, and now things are going well. So celebrate! Laugh a ton. Flirt with each other. Learn to be more affectionate. PDAs are okay, and hey, you may even be able to relax more in the bedroom, you may find that spilling over into your broader life together.

Yes, it’s true–you can have years in your marriage when sex is going great!

(Click here to tweet this quote)

Plan to make memories

Now’s a great phase in your life to make some major sex memories! Take that 10th or 20th anniversary trip (or whatever it may be for you) somewhere romantic where you’ll have lots of time in bed (as well as time to explore other things). This could be the honeymoon you actually wanted, that wasn’t as successful the first time around. Take a weekend away from the kids and go to a resort where you can enjoy yourselves. Buy some new lingerie! Have that time together now so that in future years, you can smile together and say, “Remember when….”

Try to hit new highs

Sex may be going great, but perhaps there are some things that you haven’t figured out yet, and now is the time to do it! On one of those weekends away, see if you can figure out how to help her reach multiple orgasms. You can even aim for simultaneous orgasm, since after all this time he’s likely able to control his own timing a little bit better. As he learns how your body works, he may be able to hold off until he feels you ready to let go. Or you can even try to see if you can identify her G-spot. Don’t make any of these things a pass/fail thing, but once you’ve figured out how to have her reach orgasm, it’s fun to try to add some of these other milestones into your sex life.

Marriage Shouldn’t Be BORING!

10 Sexy Questions to Ask Your Husband

10 Ways to Signal Yes to Your Husband

Don’t let sex get routine

The big thing I’d say at this stage, though, is don’t let sex become routine. While it may be going wonderfully now because it’s feeling good for her, sometimes we do coast on that and then, what was wonderful for a while, becomes a little stale. Especially because when women figure out what feels good, they may want to stick to that one position. But that’s where you may need to challenge yourself to switch things up a bit! Start in a different position, but then you can always finish in Old Faithful, if that works best.

We’ve created our Sexy Dares that work wonderfully for people at this stage of marriage. They help you keep that fun going, but you’ll try new things in new ways that will stop things from becoming stale. You get 24 dares–8 where he takes the lead; 8 where she takes the lead; and 8 that you do together (plus there’s a bonus dare to help you connect more outside the bedroom, too!). They’re written to appeal to what makes sex great for both genders, so there’s lots about increasing foreplay and stimulation for her; there’s lots about helping him watch and see for him; and tons about new positions or new things to try. And it adds that little spark so that things won’t get stale at all! They’re only $6.99, and you can get instant access right here:

Does your marriage need some spicing up–and some fun?

Try these 24 dares–plus one bonus–to take your marriage to the next level!

Let's add some heat!

Keep connecting in other ways outside of the bedroom

What often brings the glory years to an end is two big changes: Life changes (like the emotional weight of becoming empty nesters; switching jobs; or hitting midlife) and health changes that often accompany menopause for women or midlife for men. When these changes come, you’ll have to be able to communicate and become vulnerable with each other in order to keep your sex life going. You’ll have to make adjustments. You’ll have to process the emotions of life changes. You’ll have to figure new things out.

That’s why you need to make sure that those “glory years” are not all about sex. What’s going to keep sex great long term is not sex itself, but your ability to talk about things and feel close to one another. So figure out each other’s emotional needs. Keep talking. Do hobbies together! Just keep connecting. A great way to do that is to figure out each other’s emotional needs. I’ve got a self-assessment tool you can do together here that can help you learn what each other needs to feel close, and help you break that down into actionable steps. Just sign up here to receive it!

I hope some of my readers are indeed in these glory years! I know many arrive here because sex isn’t working that great, but I hope that by trying some of the things I’ve been talking about, for some of you that’s turned around. And remember: if you aren’t in these years yet, it doesn’t mean you never will be. Keep up with the tips I gave in the last two posts in our series, and you’ll likely breeze through those stages a lot faster.

What do you think? How long did it take you to reach the “glory years” stage? (Or are you not there yet?) Let’s talk in the comments!

Posts in the “Stages of Sex” Series:

The Figuring Things Out Stage
The Hectic Stage (kids & jobs)!
The Glory Years: (this one!)
Menopause, MidLife and Beyond: October 23
When Life is Stressful: October 30

Marriage Shouldn’t Be BORING!

10 Ways to Tell Your Husband What You Want in Bed

10 Reasons Sex Gets Boring

10 Sexy Questions to Ask Your Husband

10 Ways to Signal Yes to Your Husband

View more on Sheila Wray Gregoire's website »

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Published on October 16, 2019 04:06

10 Ways to Get Your Wife in the Mood: Great Tips for Husbands!

If your wife never wants to sleep with you, and if sex has become rare in your marriage, what can you do to get your wife in the mood?

A lot of my readers are actually HUSBANDS (I’m so glad you’re here!), and so every now and then I like to offer up a “men’s corner” post directed more at guys. So for today’s post I thought I’d write how men can seduce their wives–or at least help their wives hopefully want to have sex more.

I also asked on Facebook for some advice from all my female readers, and some of their responses will be sprinkled in here as well! But here we go: How husbands can get their wives in the mood.

1. Take a load off of her mind

It’s hard for women to get in the mood, let alone enjoy sex, if they have a million things on their mind. And often those million things are tasks that need to be completed, housework that needs to be done, or things that she needs to remember about tomorrow. Sometimes it’s also bad feelings about negative conversations she’s had with friends or family, or feeling as if some part of her life is out of whack.

So first and foremost, help her complete the tasks. Do your part. Be an equal partner with housework throughout the day so she doesn’t have as much on her plate at night.

But then also help her process those feelings. Some women need time alone to process–so make it a habit to give her time to go jogging, to have a bath, to journal, or whatever it may be. Then, once she’s done that, ask her about it. “Is there anything on your mind I can help you sort through?” Some women need to be able to talk everything through. So go for a walk after dinner and let her tell you what’s on her mind.

Or does she have things she needs to remember about tomorrow? Set up a big calendar on the wall (here’s a cool one) where you can write in your schedule, her schedule, the kids’ schedules, and you can talk about it every night after dinner so that you both know what’s going on. The mental load of housework and child care falls disproportionately on the woman. If you can shoulder some of that–say, by taking responsibility for an upcoming birthday party a child is invited to (which involves buying the present, driving the child to the party, picking him or her up, etc.), then she doesn’t have to worry about it. The more you can help her “dump” the things out of her mind, the easier it is for her to let the concerns of the day go so she can have fun!

2. Talk to Her–and Know Her Heart

Here’s what we often don’t understand: Desire is not just about a physical urge. The physical urge is actually often fueled by an emotional connection. That’s why couples who feel close tend to have women who orgasm more. And it’s also why make-up sex is a real thing. When we feel as if we’re close and we’ve bared our souls to one another and we’re still committed to one another, then we’re going to fuel desire.

So spend some time actually figuring out what’s going on in her heart and her head. Certainly deal with the worries of the day, as I talked about before. But if you really want to fuel desire, it’s important to tap into some of the deeper stuff. What are her insecurities? What are her fears? Don’t try to fix things, but learn what these are.

You can make that easier to do using the High/Low exercise. And you can also use the conversation starters to delve more deeply into what’s going on with your wife.

Want to unlock even more conversation starters? Download the Get Your Marriage On app and use the code TLHV to get 70 conversation starters with your wife!

3. Share Your Heart with Her

What many women want, even more than you hearing her heart, is that you share your own heart. Often the key to getting her in the mood is to show her that you’re able to be vulnerable with her. You trust her. You want to be closer to her in a way that’s not just physical. Think about it: With sex, she’s letting you into her body. Why should she do that if you won’t let her into your heart?

So as you’re sharing those conversation starters, open up to her as well. Let her know your dreams, your fears, something you once loved but you’re now disappointed with. Let her hear your emotions, not only your opinions.

Desire is not just about a physical urge. The physical urge is actually often fueled by an emotional connection.

(Click here to tweet this quote)

4. Be Gentle with the Kids

Hug your kids. Kiss your kids. Read your kids stories. Tell them how much you love them. Get down to their level, look them in the eye, and have a conversation with them.

Your wife likely loves your kids more than life itself. They’re precious to her. So when she sees you treating the things she feels are most precious in the world as if they’re precious to you, too, that will melt her heart–and help her get in the mood! It’s not about taking the kids off of her hands so she can relax (though that’s a nice bonus). It’s really about an emotional bond, where you show your wife with your actions, “I am safe. I am nurturing. I can be strong but gentle at the same time.”

You can’t expect her to spend all evening with the kids and then be ready to jump into bed with you. That’s too difficult a transition; she’ll be tired; and she’ll also bear the weight of the kids alone. But if she realizes she’s not bearing that weight alone, that’s a huge relief. So, dads, do your part!

5. Take the 31 Days to Great Sex Challenge!

Many women aren’t in the mood because sex doesn’t feel very good. Or maybe you have sexual baggage you’ve never worked through. Or maybe you’re not affectionate enough during the day. Whatever it might be, the 31 Days to Great Sex challenge can help! It starts those difficult conversations that can unlock the door to her sexuality, but it also helps you both figure out how to make sex feel great for her. Plus there’s so much there to spice things up!

Do you yearn to have a more meaningful–and fun–sex life?

Check out my 31 Day challenge that you do with your spouse. Super easy–just read a few pages a night and do what it says. Learn to talk more, flirt more, be more affectionate, spice things up, deal with baggage, and so much more!

No blaming. Just solutions–and a whole lot of fun!

Let's try it!

Suggest it like this:

Babe, I’m worried that sex is becoming routine, we’re missing out on passion, and sex has become too much about me. Can we do this challenge so that we can make sure that YOU’RE getting what you should be getting out of sex? Because I want you to feel amazing, relaxed, passionate, everything. You deserve that. And I want to make it happen!

6. Try Some Sexy Dares!

I’ve created 24 sexy dares that are geared to unlocking sexual desire in both of you. There are 8 dares where you take the lead; 8 where she takes the lead; and 8 that you both do together (plus one bonus dare that will really help you connect with her heart). But I designed the sexy dares where you take the lead to focus on helping her relax and discovering her own sexuality and figuring out what feels good. They’re geared towards what she needs. If sex has been something your wife has been avoiding, I’d suggest picking up the dares, and then starting with the ones that YOU do.

Does your marriage need some spicing up–and some fun?

Try these 24 dares–plus one bonus–to take your marriage to the next level!

Let's add some heat!

7. Nuzzle her Neck

The #1 thing said on Facebook was some variation of “kiss my neck.” Don’t go for the breasts, the butt, or anything else first. Concentrate on her neck–even from behind. For many women that’s a huge turnon!

8. Show Her How Much You Appreciate Her

I know many men struggle to come up with good compliments. But letting your wife know how much you appreciate her shows her that she matters and helps to quiet the many ways she’s probably telling herself she’s inadequate during the day. As one of my readers said on Facebook:

Telling me how good a job I do at taking care of the kids, home, him, my body, etc. I work so hard– when he notices & points it out with gratitude, I melt. – MD on Facebook

Look for an area your wife is doing well or an area where she’s been improving recently and tell her that specifically. Compliments are hard for a lot of guys but try to be specific and reference something positive you see your wife doing. You can’t give a good compliment if you’re not paying attention to your wife and part of arousal for women is knowing that they matter to their partner. Show her that you do.

10 Ways Husbands Can Get Their Wives in the Mood

9. Laugh Together

It’s easy in marriage to get away from the friendship you shared during your dating days. Laughter is good medicine. Do something silly to get your wife laughing. Grab the nerf guns and have a nerf battle while the kids are asleep. Or giggle together about silly animal videos on youtube. Just get laughing and connect together. As one reader on Facebook put it:

Make me laugh, honestly laughter will get me “warmed up” to him quicker than anything – RB on Facebook

Try some strip poker or other bedroom warm up to get things going and lean into the silly ridiculousness of it.

10. Finally, want her in the mood? Shower, Shave or Trim Your Beard, and Smell Amazing

I remember seeing a friend of mine with a beard that was usually rather scruffy show up at a funeral with it all trimmed neatly. I almost did a double take. He looked amazing!

Seriously, guys: women like men who take care of themselves. So if you want to get her in the mood, shower. Use a wonderful smelling soap or cologne. Shave. Trim your facial hair. Put on pyjamas that look good, not just pants or T-shirts with holes in them. And then nuzzle up to her. And don’t forget to brush your teeth!

Our Super Awesome Slow Cooker Freezer Meal Cooking Day Before the Baby Came!

It’s Thanksgiving Monday here in Canada (a holiday), and we are all feeling thankful yet a little anxious.

I’m writing this on Saturday morning, and as of yet there is no baby (and Rebecca is past her due date). But last week on social media I was posting about a great day that Katie and Rebecca and I had a little over a week ago when we all got together to cook freezer meals.

We had 12 different meals that we were going to cook, and then beforehand everybody told me how many they wanted. We ended making around 65 meals I think? Some Katie and I will take home, but most we put in Rebecca and Connor’s deep freeze.

We did the shopping one day, and then the next day we spent cooking.

Well, it’s not really cooking, because the only thing we actually cooked was a whole ton of ground beef that I browned up before we froze it, but in general, we just chopped, measured, and put it all in bags. I also picked a TON of tomatoes at a local farm the week before, and I had processed them and put them in freezer bags earlier, while I was still at home, so that we didn’t have to buy any canned tomatoes but could just use fresh (you can see the tomatoes in the bags at the front).

Then you freeze the meals as is, with everything added, and the night before you want to eat it you take it out of the freezer to let it defrost in the fridge. Then you pop it in the slow cooker, according to the directions, and presto! You’ve got dinner.

Anyway, this isn’t a cooking blog, and I wasn’t planning on writing about this, but so many people asked me for the recipes on social media that we actually created a spreadsheet with all the recipes we’ve used for freezer meals (including some recipes that Rebecca made on her own on another cooking day). All of them we found around the internet for free, and then we just created shopping lists with them. So you can see the links for the recipes, the ingredients, and the organization.

In last Friday’s weekly email, that goes out to about 25,000 people every week, I had a bunch of pictures and that spreadsheet available for download, along with some instructions to make the day go easier. But it occurred to me that many who read the blog may not realize that I do send out extra content in emails every week. And many of you who are signed up for my monthly email (but not my weekly one) are missing out, because most of the personal stuff gets put in the weekly email! That’s also where I share any big things that are going on behind the scenes of the blog (like babies and miscarriages and things to be happy about and things to be sad about); angst I’m having; new book contracts (I’ve got a big one to tell you about soon!); and I often give out Amazon gift cards or prizes to people who sign up or answer quick surveys.)

So if you’re just reading the blog on the net, that’s great. I’m glad you’re here! But I’d invite you to join the bigger community and sign up for the emails, too.

If you’d like to get the extra inside scoop news, plus my spreadsheet with all of the recipes, and ingredients, and instructions for our slow cooker freezing day, just sign up below. (The link to the spreadsheet will show up right after you fill in the box!)

A Few Tips for Making a Slow Cooker Freezer Cooking Day Easier
Use Ziploc Freezer Bags

I’m super waste-conscious and plastic-conscious, and I hate using plastic bags. I’m a save-the-glass-jars person and I freeze everything in those. But for freezer meals, you do need the plastic bags, because you have to be able to squeeze all the air out to prevent freezer burn. But you can wash them and reuse them a few times afterwards, so it’s not as bad.

Use a Sharpie to Write Instructions on the Bag Beforehand

Before you start cooking, label all your bags using a permanent marker with the name of the recipe and the instructions. Something like :

“Chicken Taco Soup: Add 6 cups chicken stock. Cook on Low for 8 Hours. Add 1 cup macaroni in last 1/2 hour of cooking time.”

Or:

“Thai Chicken Curry Soup: Add 4 cups chicken stock & 2 cans of coconut milk. Cook on HIGH for 4 hours.”

When you’re preparing freezer slow cooker meals, you don’t want to add the liquid like chicken stock, etc. to the bag before you freeze it, because it will take far too much room and you don’t need it. And some ingredients, like frozen peas or pasta, don’t get added until the last bit of cooking. So you want to make sure that those instructions are on the bags beforehand.

Stand the Bags Up, Grouped by Recipe, Around the Kitchen

We then put the bags together based on what recipe it was, and stood the bags up, so that it was easy to add the ingredients. If you add something solid, like the vegetables, first, then the bags will stand up easier. Do NOT add just something liquid (like tomatoes) without being super careful, or the bag could fall over and make a mess. Twice. Not that I’m speaking from experience or anything.

Add by Ingredient, Not by Recipe

It’s faster to add all the garlic at once, and all the oregano at once, and all the carrots at once, than it is to prepare all the ingredients for one recipe at once. That’s what’s nice about batch cooking. So if 5 out of your 8 recipes require oregano, you just go around the kitchen to all the bags that need oregano and measure it in, all at the same time.

Mark Off Your Freezer Cooking Spreadsheet as You Add Each Ingredient

As we added ingredients we would just bold the ingredients that were added, so that we’d know what was done and we didn’t repeat anything!

Buy Pre-Chopped Garlic and Onion, when Possible

I’m a stickler for fresh garlic, so I never, ever buy the pre-chopped stuff. But in this case, we did because it was so easy and we needed so much. We didn’t buy pre-chopped onions, though, and this was the result:

Even the dog was rubbing his eyes!

People on Instagram and Facebook told me you can buy pre-chopped onions in the freezer section, and I’ll likely do that next time we have to chop that many onions (I think we had 27 we had to do?)

Have Fun and Make it a Tradition!

We honestly had a great day (even if it was tiring). We all agreed it was well worth it. And so we’ll likely keep doing this three times a year or so, and we may also combine it with making gifts, like bath bombs or massage oils or some baby shower gifts at the same time. I enjoy doing it with my girls, but you can get a group of friends together, or a sibling group, or whatever. And then make extra to bless others with who could really use a break.

So again–sign up for the emails above! And you’ll get the link to our spreadsheet with all of the recipes. Plus lots more behind-the-scenes content from the blog, so you don’t miss anything.

Happy Thanksgiving to my Canadian friends! And I do hope that when you all read this, we’ll be heading to the hospital….

Have you ever tried a big slow cooker freezer cooking day? Any tips for us? Let’s talk in the comments!

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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.

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Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:

10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?

Check out some of Sheila's Books:

The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum

Check out Sheila's Courses:

The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course

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Published on October 14, 2019 05:00

The Marriage Meeting: Make it Easy (and Fun!) with This New Marriage App

Why not harness the power of a marriage app to help you feel connected?

We all know we are supposed to spend time with our spouse and check in… but how do you make that happen practically? And when you are alone and talking, how do you keep the conversation productive? I’ve asked Joanna, who works with me, to share how she and her husband are managing that while in the crazy season of raising littles. Here’s Joanna!

And thanks to the Get Your Marriage On app for sponsoring this post:

I am a stay at home mom who works from home with a toddler. We’re still getting settled into a new area where we don’t have family (though we LOVE living near Keith and Sheila). Add to that a terrible, life-threatening miscarriage in June of this year and a rather ridiculous set of health problems for me (including thyroid cancer diagnosed last November), and you’ve got a sense of where we’re at. Plus my husband, Josiah, has a stressful job as a lawyer and my daughter has terrible food allergies. It’s been a lot.

I don’t tell you all this to complain, but just to let you know that I GET IT. We are so in the trenches with you. This season of life has been nuts.

If you were to sit down and type out all of the hard things in your life right now, I’d be willing to bet you could generate a laundry list like the one I made above.

Whether it’s busyness from kids’ activities, health concerns, or schooling issues, life can be a lot. Add to that the demands and expectations of modern parenting and connecting as a couple can easily fall by the wayside.

Josiah and I have been trying out the Get Your Marriage On app this week and we’ve really enjoyed it. I’ve especially liked the prompts for follow up questions that follow each of the short videos – they really help to apply each concept. It’s also been fun to explore the other features in the app, including some conversation starters and marriage games.

The app covers everything from communication, love languages, resolving conflict, sex, and more–with quick teaching videos (they’re super practical and to-the-point), discussion points, practical exercises, and more. It’s kind of like taking in a marriage conference without having to leave home, or getting some inexpensive marriage counseling when things are just blah–but nothing super big is going wrong.

Maybe you’re like us and you’re in a season that is a LOT and you have to communicate your way through it. Maybe things are okay, but you sense they could be better, and you’d like a marriage tune up. Maybe you’re struggling to connect, feel you’re drifting apart, and want to grow closer.

If you want to make your marriage better, Get Your Marriage On is a great place to start.

The app is free but there are premium options available with additional videos and games (including one called Battle Strip… get it?) The premium version is $52/year but you can get a free week long trial so you can see if it works for you and then cancel if it’s not quite what you were looking for.

One feature we especially liked was the idea of having a weekly marriage meeting. I know that sounds like the most corporate thing you could ever do in your marriage, but think of it more as a weekly check in. We were really taken with the idea. Having a dedicated time to talk in private and share what is truly on your heart is incredibly important for building intimacy. It takes vulnerability to share where you are and it’s important to put words to things.

As the app creators say,

“If every married couple did this one thing, it would put 90% of marriage counselors out of business.”

To have a marriage meeting, you’ll need to set aside private time to connect intentionally. You can totally do this in the car alone while watching your child’s baseball practice. Or you could take a long walk. Or connect while chopping vegetables. Or chat after the kids are in bed. Whatever you need to do to get about 30 minutes together to chat!

Of course, all meetings need agendas. Here’s what you’ll be talking through in your meeting (and be sure to check out the videos in the app for more details! I especially liked the agenda planner in the premium version – made my little type A heart happy.)

1. Affirm Each Other

Think about areas where your spouse has come through in the last week and be specific. Try to avoid a “you do so well with the baby” and say instead “I saw the way that you played with the baby during bath time. She lit up and you were so interactive with her. Then you took care of the bedtime routine and dealt with a nasty diaper, too! I was so grateful that I get to parent with you.” Finding specific things that you appreciated about your spouse builds intimacy and puts you both in a great frame of mind.

2. Plan for Fun

Whether you want to connect solo or with your broader family, sit down and think about some fun things you can do together. Think of something that will allow you to connect authentically and enjoy each other as you grow in friendship as a family or couple.

3. Chores and Business

Talk through how you’ll be handling housework, meal prep, and logistics for the family for the next week. Sort out any bills that need to be paid or any calls that have fallen by the wayside and split the tasks fairly between the two of you. You’re running a household together and this is a time to deal with the nitty gritty.

4. Issues to Discuss

Is there anything that’s been bothering you that you haven’t had the right time to bring up? Now is the time to talk it out. (Note: don’t bring out a laundry list here. Come up with one or two actionable suggestions). Then work together to problem solve and figure out how to improve things

5. My Needs List

What do you need right now? What are 5 things that would make you cartwheel happy? Oftentimes, many of the things you want most are things you can’t control (think trying to get pregnant or having a difficult relationship with a coworker) but others are almost certainly to be actionable (keeping the house cleaner, exercising more, etc.) Use the time to talk about the things you don’t have control over and share how the waiting is making you feel. Then come up with an action step or two for the following week. Remember: don’t shoot for the moon and reject all-or-nothing thinking. One incremental step in the right direction is a huge win.

6. How can I show love?

Finally think about ways you can show love to each other this week. Whether that’s more non-sexual touch, puttering around the house, or spending time one walks together, brainstorm ways you can show love to each other this week. Keep the goal attainable, measurable, and timely for where you are in your marriage and you’ll be off to the races!

So here’s what happened in our inaugural marriage meeting

We decided to have our first marriage meeting, Wednesday night after we put the toddler to bed and before Survivor, show and games to follow. I made dinner (pad thai) while Josiah took the baby to the grocery store to get some treats for our special night. We ate, the baby worked on potty training (success was had!) and then we put her to bed, though I was concerned that she was coughing and had a bit of a rash on her back. We figured she was getting a cold and that she’d had the rash for a bit.It was nice to have an agenda to work through – we laughed about meal planning for the week ahead and sorted out the property taxes for our house. We discussed what we’re needing these days and it felt so good to verbalize everything. It was nice to be able to talk about where we’ve been improving lately, what has helped us get there, and how we can keep going.

As we chatted, I kept hearing coughing and fussing from the baby and eventually started wondering about dinner. I looked at the recipe and realized that the rice noodles that I assumed were egg free… weren’t. I raced into the bedroom, woke my baby (who was, by now, covered in hives) and we quickly dosed her with an antihistamine. I called Keith to get a pep talk, encouragement, and make sure we didn’t need to go to the ER (we did not). I realized our epi pens were in the car and quickly retrieved them, just in case. Baby’s hives went down as she snuggled with her dad and played on our bed until she was ready to go back to sleep.

Having our daughter in bed and away from us during a food allergy reaction is really scary for me and I was quite shaken. My husband and I debriefed our decision making processes over the course of the evening and were honest with each other about where each of us went wrong. I didn’t listen to my intuition, he didn’t pay enough attention to dinner and didn’t think to tell me that rice noodles sometimes contain egg. We communicated our way through our feelings about our daughter’s allergies and the other health problems we’ve had in our family recently. It was good to talk through it all and be able to share where we are, even if we can’t answer all the questions today.

In the end, I was in no way up for a game and so, instead, we sat and enjoyed watching a comedian to escape for a bit and laugh together. It felt like medicine to giggle together after an ordeal like that. We’ll do the fun parts tomorrow and tonight I’m just going to be grateful for the precious gift of our baby girl.

Isn’t that just what parenting littles is like? You think you’re sorted out when something goes sideways and you find yourself in a new challenge and have to navigate it together.

It’s easy to feel like we just need to gut out the crazy years of marriage when kids are little, money is tight, and time is limited. But the next stage will have its challenges too, they’ll just be different from the ones we’re facing now. We can choose to work on our relationships throughout OR we can ignore our marriage and important friendships and when the hard times come, we won’t have the skills or resilience to weather the storm well.

Thanks, Joanna! And that is the thing about life, isn’t it? Things never go as smoothly as you plan, but that’s why we can’t keep putting off working on your marriage.

I really like the teaching that’s in the Get Your Marriage On app. It’s like they encapsulate the best and most actionable parts of great teachers like John Gottman, and then give you little bites in each of their videos. So you don’t have to devote two hours or anything to it. You can watch a bit, and then talk a bit and do an exercise. And as you work through the app, you get badges and more for finishing certain bits of the curriculum. And then you can still have fun with the conversation starters, date nights, strip battleship, the marriage meetings, and more.

There are even hilarious videos that will help you laugh at yourselves! And tons of foreplay and sex tips, too.

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Published on October 11, 2019 04:07

PODCAST: We Have a Newborn. He Wants an XBox. Plus More Reader Questions!

Does sex have to die when life gets busy?

We’re in the middle of a series this month talking about the different stages of sex in marriage, and we launched it last week with the “Figuring Things Out” stage. This week we’re moving on to the next stage: what happens to sex when kids come and life gets busy.

But first, here’s the podcast.

Listen to the Podcast Here

Browse all the Different Podcasts

See the Last “Start Your Engines” (Men’s) Podcast

This month I’m trying to work through a huge backlog of reader questions, and I decided that the podcasts this month would be a great chance to look at the different questions related to each stage of sex. So for this podcast we focused on three:

Reader Question: He’s a Night Person, I’m a Morning Person

Keith jumped on the podcast to answer this one with me (since this matches us pretty well, except I’m the night one and he’s the morning one. Either way, though, he needs way less sleep than me and always has!) Here’s the question:

I keep hearing the importance of going to bed at the same time as a couple but my husband is a night owl and I’m a morning lark. There’s no way I could stay up as late as he does and still get up with our toddler in the morning (he only gets up 15 minutes after me but I guess he just needs less sleep?). Plus he says that he needs his “me time” after the rest of us are in bed (gaming or watching shows) and that he’d just lie there awake for hours if he did come to bed at
the same time anyways (around 11 pm). The most helpful advice I’ve heard is for the night owl to lie down with that morning lark until they fall asleep and then sneak away, but I can’t really see him agreeing to that. He’s already heard the stat that couples who go to bed at the same time have more sex but that’s not enough motivation even though he wishes we had sex more often.

Keith and I went around on this one for a bit, but my big suggestion would be to have him go to bed at the same time as you, but then get up early and have his “me” time in the morning (gaming and watching TV is the worst thing to do right before bed anyway; better to do it in the morning). But listen in!

And then check out this post on why adults need bedtimes, too!

Reader Question: My Husband is Fine. Is It Okay to Want More Than Fine?

A reader writes in that she wants marriage to be exciting and passionate, but her husband is pretty satisfied with just hum-drum.

My husband is fine. I guess that’s the big issue. My husband is fine with things the way they are. He is a fine husband. He does things well enough. I don’t have a ton of room for complaints, I know, but I’m still sad. We recently did the 5 Love Languages together, and although he’s got an idea of what his love language is, he seems fine not really figuring out how I can love him better. It’s very obvious what mine is (physical touch and quality time), but he also is fine not going out of his way to do either.

He’s a good husband in a lot of ways. We share parenting responsibilities, household chores, financial issues, etc without as much conflict, but he’s fine with that being as good as it gets. Our sexual relationship is good- he makes sure it feels good for me, but again, he is satisfied with how things are. I’ve asked him to take a bath or shower with me, play “would you rather” sexy games, go to bed naked, etc., but he says he doesn’t want to.

I find myself in this weird place where I know I have a really good marriage compared to a lot of other people, so I should be thankful; but I don’t want things to just be fine, you know? I want to have a hot sex life, and be crazy about each other. Am I asking for too much?

I get it. She wants to feel swept off her feet, but he’s not there. Keith jumped in on this one, too. Certainly it could be personality differences–often we’re attracted to our spouse’s steady nature, but then that becomes boring once we’re married. But I’d also say that finding things to be chronically upset about isn’t healthy in the long run.

If you do just want some passion occasionally, though, it’s okay to ask for that. Like I said, you can do the “His Nights, Her Nights” game. I’d definitely suggest my Sexy Dares, because you can do one or two a month, and then normally you just do the “regular”. So it’s not asking him too much. And even if he doesn’t want to do these things, you can frame it like, “I love you, I love our life, I love our marriage, and this isn’t a criticism of you. This is just something that’s important to me. Can you do this for me?”

Listen in, see what you think, too, and then let us know in the comments!

Does your marriage need some spicing up–and some fun?

Try these 24 dares–plus one bonus–to take your marriage to the next level!

Let's add some heat!

Reader Question: My husband wants to buy a new gaming unit two days after our third baby is due

Here’s a note from a very tired mom who is worried her husband won’t support her once the new baby comes:

My husband and I have been married for almost 10 years and have 2 young kids and I’m expecting our third. My husband and I are doing well right now after a few years of bumpy roads, but an issue we’ve dealt with throughout our marriage is the fact that he doesn’t really cope with stress well. Mainly he uses phone app games to de stress and unwind. We’ve talked about his lack of other coping strategies when things get stressful–and stressful is pretty much how our lives are going to be for a while.

Now, he’s decided he wants to buy an X Box for his birthday next year. But his birthday is right after my due date with the next kid. This is sending up a million red flags for me, since he’ll be buying a gaming system when I desperately need his help more than ever (and don’t want to have to drag him up from the basement to beg him for it). He already has a tendency to spend too much time on his phone, and talks all the time about wanting to go to bed earlier but he just stays up too late on technology instead.

I don’t want to assume the worst, but I really can’t see how any benefits outweigh the potential for disaster here (especially for someone with a tendency toward addictive behaviours already). To put it bluntly, I’m terrified of what this could do to all our progress we have made. Am I borrowing trouble, or am I right to be concerned?

I totally understand her fear. And I think that she is perfectly right to say, “your responsibility is to the family; you have a history of getting caught up in technology, and I can’t handle that right after a new baby comes. It’s too risky. We need to re-evaluate this.”

If he still wants to get it, then you can set up a contract with him. Say something like:

You know that you don’t handle stress well, and that you have a habit of getting carried away by technology. You’ve said that’s not who you want to be. You’ve said that you want to go to bed earlier. So let’s set up some guidelines so that we’ll know when things are getting out of hand and we can do something about it. And then let’s appoint a friend/mentor that I can call if things get out of hand, that can come and take the XBox for a time until you can handle it again.

This is serious stuff. You need your husband to be engaged with the baby. So talking about it beforehand–what will be the signs that he thinks means that he’s on it too much–and have him agree to that can help make that conversation easier.

Rebecca tackled this one with me, since she and Connor have dealt with video game issues. Connor now plays, but limits it quite well, so it can be done. But he has to realize that his family responsibilities come first.

Some other posts that can help:

The Stages of Sex: The Exhausted Years with Kids & Jobs

What happens to sex when little kids come along? When you find yourselves busy and run off your feet?

Every Wednesday in October we’re looking at the stages of sex in marriage. Last week we looked at the “figuring things out” stage, when sex is relatively new (and I talked about it on my podcast as well!). Today I want to turn to the next stage: when kids start arriving and you find yourself exhausted.

Now, for some people this stage comes along much earlier in marriage than others, and some start marriage with kids, so they jump right in here. But let’s look at what sex is like during this stage, and what we can do to make it better!

What Can Be Great About Sex During the Busy Years

When you are run off your feet, when other people are always needing you, sex can actually be a welcome distraction–a time when it’s all about what you experience, and not what you have to do. For women in this season of sex especially, everything I said in my post on theology of the clitoris is even more important. You need to learn how to be served, how to be the centre of attention, how to be present in the moment, and not worried about all the multitude of responsibilities you have.

Sex can be the gift of being in the moment that you so desperately need right now!

How Sex Can Go Wrong in the Busy Years Stage of Sex

While that’s the potential for sex in these years, that’s often not what happens.

Especially for couples who never really figured out how to make sex great for her during the “figuring things out” stage, things can go steadily downhill. If sex doesn’t feel that great for her, she may still be willing to have sex quite frequently in the figuring things out stage, because she wants to be a good wife, she wants to be loving, and she knows she should. But once she’s absolutely exhausted, and she feels as if she never gets any time for herself, that’s likely to fall off quickly by the wayside if there really is very little in it for her. “Obligation sex” becomes very onerous when she feels as if she isn’t being cared for, at the same time as she’s caring so much for so many.

And if you combine these years with toxic messages around sex, like how men will watch porn if wives don’t have sex, or will be tempted to have affairs, she may abandon sex altogether out of resentment (seriously, pastors, we have to get a better way of talking about sex, because saying stuff like that is the absolute biggest libido killer in the world for women).

Even if sex DID feel good for her beforehand, hormonal changes and body changes after childbirth can kill her libido, and she may not be that interested in trying to rediscover it because the children demand so much attention. As she becomes preoccupied with the kids, he may also withdraw out of rejection, and then sex goes on a downward spiral. Any underlying issues that were not dealt with earlier, like porn use, or a negative view of sex, or past trauma, will often resurface now and become even bigger problems.

It’s not just bad relationship patterns that can start during these years, though. It’s also bad physical habits. Bad eating habits and exercise habits can take hold, setting you up for decades of problems later on, which will also affect your sex life. When we’re so busy, it’s all too easy to let the important stuff fall by the wayside.

How to Make Sex Great in These Busy Years

Because most of the problems with sex during these years relates less to sex and more to the pressures of life, I’m going to focus first on those pressures:

Get real about the pressures of life and make a plan to reduce them

It’s not just babies that cause stress during this stage of life; it’s also often jobs that are untenable in the long run; schooling or training that shoves great demands on you or your spouse; intense financial pressure as you try to buy a house, buy cars, or simply get established. All of this stress combines to kill everyone’s libido, but especially hers. My philosophy with life has two quite simple rules that act in conjunction with one another:

If something can’t go on like this forever, then it’s better to put an end to it sooner rather than later;
You can put up with just about anything as long as there’s a firm end date in sight

In other words, if you’re at a job that is killing you, make a plan now for how to get out of that job and transition to something else that can support the family, so that you have an end date in sight. If your current financial situation is completely untenable, and will leave you drowning in debt soon, make a radical budget plan with target dates, so that you can know that life will be better one day. Don’t delay; do it now. If you have a plan, even if your daily life doesn’t change, your stress level does.

Give her some downtime during the day

If she’s going to feel frisky at night she needs some downtime to herself–some time to work on hobbies, to have a bath by herself, to feel productive. When my kids were young, I took the time during naps to start writing. I didn’t need to relax as much as I needed to use my brain. Whatever it is she needs to feel rejuvenated, make sure she has time for that.

(He needs it as well, of course, but the 24 hour demands of childcare more commonly fall on the woman, so I’m directing this one at her. If, in your case, he’s the primary caregiver, then give him some downtime!)

Cook real stuff

Seriously, just cook.

Last week, as Rebecca was getting ready to deliver, I made a big meal plan and shopping list for freezer slow cooker meals. Katie and I bought the food, and the three of us together put all the slow cooker freezer meals together for them to use after we’re gone and Connor and Becca are alone with the baby. That way they can still have healthy food! We ended up making about 70 meals (Katie and I are taking some home, too), which necessitated cutting up about 30 onions, as you can see here:

But we ended up with 6 of 12 different meals!

Whatever it takes for you to eat well, try it. If you use as few cans as possible so that you avoid preservatives and additives, stick to real food (the outer aisles of the grocery store), and don’t order out too much, you’ll put yourself on the road to good health. And then use my son-in-law’s rule of thumb: Don’t drink your calories. Stick to water or unsweetened iced tea, and you’ll save a ton of calories a day.

Make sleep a priority

Few things will have as positive a benefit on your sex life–and the rest of your life–as actually getting enough sleep. When the baby is old enough to sleep through the night (say by 6 months), help that baby learn to sleep. You need to reclaim your nights if you want to feel human again! If you’re not sure how, ask some parents at your church for advice. It may even be worth hiring a sleep consultant. Even if it costs several hundred dollars, if it saves you two or three years of not sleeping, I can’t put a price tag on that! Especially if you have toddlers who don’t sleep, consider hiring an expert that can coach you. It can be done! Ask for it as a Christmas present from your parents if money is tight. It’s important. (I understand that parents with special needs have special challenges in this area; but even here, sleep coaches can often help).

Here in Ottawa, The Happy Sleep Company offers consultations to help parents of infants and toddlers finally get some sleep. They have consultations for those with newborns; for those with babies who are ready to sleep through the night; for toddlers who won’t sleep; even for multiples! The consultations can be done in person, but can also be done via Skype for those of you who don’t live near Ottawa. They take all your information, learn what you’ve been doing, and then personalize recommendations and coach you through it. If you’re just beside yourself with exhaustion and frustration, and you want to get your nights back, or get your kids out of your bed, it really is worth the investment if you can find it in your budget.

They also offer a 20-minute free consultation, so I’d suggest checking them out!

Spend time as a couple outside the bedroom–even if it’s with the kids, too

I’m not going to tell you that you have to have a date night every week, or that you have to leave the kids with Grandma one a month so that you get a night to yourselves. Those things are nice, sure, but I don’t think they’re absolutely necessary.

What is necessary is that you have time to connect and talk everyday. We used to take the kids on walks in the stroller so that we could talk. We took them with us to restaurants, armed with colouring books and toys. We did activities together so the kids were happy and we’d have time to debrief. I don’t mind if you don’t have time, just the two of you, as long as you have time that you feel as if you’re really talking.

Make sex a priority

Okay, let’s switch to the sex elements now! Put simply, you have to make sex a priority. It isn’t going to happen unless you do. And waiting to feel “in the mood” could mean you’re waiting for a long time.

(If you’re a wife with the higher drive, these posts may also be useful for you:

Why Doesn’t My Husband Want to Make Love?
10 Things Higher Drive Wives Need to Know

Many women don’t understand how our libidos work, and so we essentially put ourselves into hibernation. When we do that, we miss out on the passion that God intended us for, and the deep intimacy we’re supposed to have in marriage. I know these years are very difficult and very busy. But passion and intimacy can be the fuel that help you handle these years so much better! They help you still feel like a woman, and not just a mom. They help you feel confident, and like you can take on the world. If you feel as if your libido has gone into hibernation, please check out my Boost Your Libido course. It has lots for women at exactly this stage of marriage–and stage of sex!

Are you TIRED of always being too tired for sex?

Do you yearn to actually WANT to make love–and figure out what all the fuss is about?

There is a way! And in this 10-module course I take you through what libido is (it may surprise you!), what affects libido, and how we can reclaim the excitement that God made us for.

Tell me more!

Make her pleasure a priority

Finally, it’s not just about “having intercourse”. If you want that passion, that intimacy, that confidence, she also needs to feel pleasure. Not necessarily each and every time you connect sexually, of course. Sometimes, despite our best intentions, we’re just too preoccupied to get there. But in general, she needs to be experiencing real pleasure during these days as well. If she’s never experienced orgasm, read my post from yesterday! But if things just need to feel special, and not just so routine, day-in-day-out kind of thing, my sexy dares can help. They’re only $6.99, and they’ll provide you with a year’s worth of fun! There are 8 dares that he does, 8 dares that she does, and 8 that you do together (plus one bonus dare!). And for her dares, too, she can be thinking about it ahead of time, and that can help bring her out of that rut as well.

Does your marriage need some spicing up–and some fun?

Try these 24 dares–plus one bonus–to take your marriage to the next level!

Let's add some heat!

These years matter. You’re raising your kids. You’ve got a ton of responsibilities. The habits that you form in these years will set you on a good trajectory for the rest of your life. Don’t ignore your marriage or your sex life when kids arrive. What kids really need is for you to have an awesome marriage. So make sex great. Take care of yourself. And don’t give in to the idea that these have to be years when you lose yourself. They don’t. It’s a choice. And it’s okay to choose to still feel like a couple!

What do you think? Do you have any great tips for couples in this stage of marriage and stage of sex? Let’s talk in the comments!



Posts in the “Stages of Sex” Series:

The Figuring Things Out Stage
The Hectic Stage (kids & jobs)!: (this one!)
The Glory Years: October 16
Menopause, MidLife and Beyond: October 23
When Life is Stressful: October 30

What do you think? Any tips for how to keep your marriage and your sex life strong when kids come (or when life gets busy)? Let’s talk in the comments!

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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.