Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 75
September 10, 2019
10 Out-of-the-Box Reasons You’re Not Having More Sex
Why aren’t you having more sex in your marriage?
“Because I don’t want to!” or “Because he has a low sex drive!”
Those are likely the two most common reasons. And when the question comes around about why sex isn’t more frequent, we usually focus on one of two things: libido issues or relationship issues. Maybe she never feels in the mood, and so she tends to say no. Maybe he’s the one with the low libido!
(Women, if you’re the ones suffering from low libido, you need to check out my Boost Your Libido course!)
Then, if we keep digging, the next reasons usually given for not having more sex in your marriage is that one of you isn’t feeling loved and you’re not connecting. When there are relationship problems, sex often falls by the wayside.
All of these things are true, and I feel like I’ve talked about all of them a TON on the blog!
Like this post? You may also like:
Why Do I Never Want to Say Yes When My Husband Initiates?
10 Things Higher Sex Drive Wives Need to Know
Why Doesn’t My Husband Want to Make Love?
But you know what? Sometimes the reason you’re not having more sex isn’t just about the relationship.
Sometimes it’s about life. And so, while I do think those other issues are the most important reasons you’re not having more sex, I’d like in this post to look at 10 out-of-the-box reasons that we may not always think of–but that definitely do impact our sex life!
Here we go:
1. You’re too tired
Women need to be able to concentrate in order to make love. To feel good, our brains have to be engaged. That’s virtually impossible if we’re super tired. Many women actually have quite healthy libidos, but then they get into seasons of life when they’re so busy and over-scheduled that sex stops, not because they want it to, but because they’re just too tired.
Other times the guy is just too bone tired to want to make love. For many guys, stress and exhaustion are pretty much the only thing that lower their sex drives. Other than that, they’re raring to go. But when stress takes over or they go for too long without enough sleep, sex falls by the wayside.
If you are both chronically exhausted, that’s not sustainable, and needs to be addressed. It’s not good for your health, your marriage, or your family. Sometimes it can be solved by taking sleep more seriously. Sometimes you need to reexamine your lifestyle and cut back–especially with kids’ activities. Sometimes you need to say no to church activities! And sometimes you may even need to take another look at your jobs. But running on empty for too long simply can’t be considered the status quo.
2. You’re eating the kinds of food that cause stomach and digestive issues
If you’re always farting, chances are you aren’t going to be thinking much about sex–and your spouse may be running for the hills!
The kinds of foods we eat can make sex less likely. If you eat a ton of junk food, or eat a very heavy, fat-laden meal soon before bed, you could feel so sluggish that you’re not going to want to have sex. On the other hand, if you eat a meal filled with beans, you may not want to, either! Watch what foods make your stomach react, and steer clear of them at dinner time!
3. Your kids are sleeping in bed with you
I’ve written at length recently about how having toddlers in the bed can wreck your sex life, and your marriage. Sleeping with older kids is even worse, and can impact their emotional well-being, too. And it isn’t always moms who want to co-sleep, either. Some moms are having problems with dads sleeping with kids! I know some families swear by co-sleeping, but if there are kids in your bed, you will have sex less, because you’re making sex more challenging. And whenever something becomes more challenging, you do have less of it.
4. Your spouse ISN’T sleeping in bed with you–because you aren’t dealing with issues like snoring, sleep apnea, or insomnia
We’ve had issues with snoring in our marriage on and off for years, and that can take a toll on your sex life. It leads to one of you not sleeping well. It often leads to one needing to go to sleep before the other heads to bed, so that the non-snorer can sleep. And if it’s sleep apnea, then the person with apnea isn’t getting a good night’s sleep, either.
If you can’t sleep together, I still recommend going to bed at the same time, talking and snuggling, making love, and only THEN splitting up into separate rooms. But even better is to figure out the underlying cause. In many of these cases, losing weight can fix apnea or snoring. But talk to your doctor to see if there’s anything you can do in the meantime!
5. You can’t switch your brain off
Work stress or personal stress will mean less sex.
But sometimes just having a ton of things running through our minds about what we need to remember for tomorrow is a problem, too.
Did you take the meat out of the freezer? Remember to put the crockpot on before you run your errands tomorrow morning. You need to pick up a birthday card for Mom. You forgot to answer Jim’s email about the potluck this weekend–don’t forget.
And all of those “don’t forgets” add up. As someone who suffers from this, here’s what I suggest: Take 10 or 15 minutes earlier in the evening to think about your day tomorrow. Have a to-do app on your phone that you can quickly write items in. If they’re there, then you don’t have to worry about forgetting them–you actually let them out of your mind, because they’ll be in your app tomorrow.
Talk through tomorrow’s schedule with your husband sometime earlier in the evening, too, so you both know what’s going on. When you feel like you have a plan that’s written down, and nothing will take you by surprise, it’s easier to turn everything else in your head off so that you can concentrate on your body being turned on!
6. You’re on screens until far too late
Blue screens affect our circadian rhythms and make it harder to get to sleep! As the National Sleep Foundation says,
The truth is, using electronic devices before bedtime can be physiologically and psychologically stimulating in ways that can adversely affect your sleep.
Here’s what happens: Using TVs, tablets, smartphones, laptops, or other electronic devices before bed delays your body’s internal clock (a.k.a., your circadian rhythm), suppresses the release of the sleep-inducing hormone melatonin, and makes it more difficult to fall asleep. This is largely due to the short-wavelength, artificial blue light that’s emitted by these devices.
So they recommend setting a digital curfew when you turn devices off an hour before you plan to sleep.
“But, wait!” you may say. “We’re talking sex, not sleep!”.
Ah, yes. But sex is also easier if you’re relaxed. If you’ve been reading work emails, or going on rabbit trails that are making your mind race a mile a minute, it’s going to be hard to settle that brain down and just focus on your spouse. Besides, sometimes we get going on our devices with our spouse lying there, ready to talk (or something else!), and we think, “just one more game”, or “just one more email”, or “I’ll just check Twitter one more time!” And pretty soon 15 minutes have passed and our spouse is asleep, and now it’s too late.
7. You’ve got a TV in your bedroom
Maybe it’s a particular screen that’s worse for you, though. If you have a TV in your bedroom, it’s easier to turn to shows than to each other, and you could drown out that chance you have to connect at the end of the day. And watching CSI or some show about sex crimes is hardly going to be conducive to sex!
8. You don’t go to bed together
My husband likes to say this: “There’s a room where you’re more likely to have sex. And there’s a time when you’re more likely to have sex. If you want to have more sex, it’s best if you’re both in that room at that time, together!”
I mean, this really isn’t rocket science. If one of you turns in at 10:15, and the other one stays up until 1, sex is going to be less frequent. If you want more sex, be in bed, awake, ready to go, at the same time. Because adults need bedtimes, too!
When your sex life is lacking we usually point to two reasons: libido issues or relationship issues. But sometimes it’s neither of those, sometimes it’s about life.
(Click here to tweet this quote)
9. Your bedroom is stressful rather than relaxing
When you walk into your bedroom, do you sigh and think, “Now I can relax!”, or do you sigh and think, “I’ve got to move that unfolded laundry off of the bed again before we climb in”?
You don’t want to walk into your bedroom and feel a heap of guilt. You do want to be able to climb into bed and feel peaceful and comfortable. So spend spare money on fixing up your bedding rather than throw pillows in the living room. Your bedroom is actually the most important room of the house! And special tip: Don’t have large pictures of your in-laws over your bed or on a bookshelf looking down at you, either.
10. You’re not getting enough exercise or you’re not getting outside enough
Getting your heart rate up a bit during the day helps you get your libido up at night! When we don’t move enough during the day, and when we don’t get enough fresh air, it’s going to impact your libido. The more you exercise, stretch, and walk, the more energy you’ll feel at the end of the day to make love.
So there you go! 10 reasons why you may not be having enough sex in your marriage.
And now I want to turn to our marriage challenge. Every week I like to give you a super-quick challenge that you can do with your husband that can help you grow together. So here’s this week’s challenge:
Why Aren't You Having More Sex?
Read through this list and identify the 1-2 biggest roadblocks to having more sex in your marriage.
Then have your husband read it and ask him to identify the 1-2 biggest roadblocks.
Now discuss together, and choose which 2 you’ll concentrate on fixing this week!
Note: If you’re not having more sex because you have some big relationship issues, I’d recommend instead reading 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage this week.
Now let me know in the comments: What was the biggest reason for you that you’re not having more sex in your marriage? Or is there a #11 that I’ve missed? Let’s talk!
Author
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Sheila's Best Posts
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
September 9, 2019
Do Kids’ Schedules Make Your Family Life Too Crazy?
With the school year starting up again, I started thinking about something I’m very passionate about: some families are just too busy.
This month, on Wednesdays, we’re looking at how LIFE can take away our enjoyment of marriage and sex, and to lead up to Wednesday’s post, I wanted to discuss something again that I last talked about on this blog about 5 years ago: sometimes our kids’ schedules get so out of hand that we have no time as a family–and thus as a couple.
When Katie was 12-years-old she started intense figure skating lessons. She had never taken lessons before, and she learned quite a bit on her own. But she decided it was finally time for lessons, so we signed her up for one night a week. She did it as a hobby for several years, and really enjoyed it.
But there was one aspect that was really strange to both of us.
Soon after she started skating lessons, we both felt like we had entered the twilight zone.
When we showed up for lessons, there were about 25 other children there, with various coaches. One coach immediately grilled me, “why only one night a week?”, in a rather judgmental tone. Turns out everyone else was there for at least two nights a week, if not more (and this costs a fortune, too!)
Now, these lessons were two hours long. They interrupted the dinner hour (they’re 4:30-6:30). But I felt that it was okay to do once a week, since we were together most other nights. It was important to Katie.
But soon into the lessons she started to question it. She said to me a few weeks in that nobody there actually smiles. They’re not practising so that they can have fun and learn a skill; they’re practising to be the best. In fact, many girls were only there because their mothers want them to be. Watching them I felt like standing up and yelling, “Take a chill pill, everyone! Nobody here is going to the Olympics. So just have fun!”. But I didn’t. I didn’t want the other mothers attacking me.
And the other mothers were strange, too. They seemed nice enough, but everyone I talked to has every child in an activity–or multiple activities. I talked to one mom who was out with the kids four nights a week. I gasped and said, “When do you eat dinner”? She laughed and said, “We don’t! We just grab it on the run, or eat in shifts.”
On the surface everybody looks like nice, middle class families, but I really felt when I entered the rink (and I was really happy when Katie was 16 and could drive herself) that the whole world has gone mad. No child should be away from their family that much.
Families need to be together, and stressing sports over family life gives a mistaken idea of what’s really important.
I have seen so many nice kids grow up in a particular sport, working like crazy at it, and not having a life. Or, when they’re older, not being particularly attached to their families. Even though they were good kids, they didn’t spend that much time with their families. They did school, did the sport, and did their homework. And that was it.
How can you raise a child to adopt your value systems? Try these posts:
Why I Didn’t Rebel: or how to raise kids that aren’t messed up
Do we have to tell kids they’re dirty, rotten sinners?
Are you being a legalistic parent?
Are kids’ sports teams worth it?
Before You Let Your Family Get Too Busy, Take the Long-Term View
So let’s take the long-term view and figure out what we’re really aiming for as a family. Let’s focus on one specific goal, and one very general one. First, the specific: we want our kids to develop fitness habits. After all, one of the reasons that we put our kids in sports lessons is so that they can stay fit! We live in a very sedentary society, and we need to encourage all the exercise we can, right?
Do Kids Need Extra Curricular Sports to Stay Fit as Adults?
I’m not so sure. I took ballet as a child. Two nights a week when I was 13 and 14, one night a week from 6-13. I actually was quite good. And you know what? I can’t do any of it now. I took adult ballet lessons when I was 30 for fun, and wrecked my knee because I tried to do the “turn-out” as much as I did at 14, and found my body no longer cooperated. Ballet isn’t the type of thing you can just keep doing. It doesn’t keep you fit. Sure it keeps you fit then, and it does help your posture (and it taught me to suck my stomach in, which I still do today), but you can’t keep it up. There’s no natural place “just to do ballet” in your life. So it doesn’t encourage long-term fitness.
(I’ve also read some research that it contributed to my vaginismus, since my pelvic floor muscles were always engaged and I didn’t know how to relax, and I’m looking into that more for the vaginismus course I’d like to create).
What about sports? Hockey and soccer are almost the same. Some men are involved in leagues as adults, as are fewer women, but it’s not widely done as an adult. So you can’t rely on those things to keep you fit. You may love them, but if you’re only playing hockey as an adult once a week over the course of four months, it isn’t going to cut it.
Skating or gymnastics? Don’t even get me started.
There’s really only one sport that I can see that does have the potential to keep you fit, and that would be swimming. (And, of course, track and field, but few children do this as an extracurricular activity.) So you may have your child in some sport for 5-10 hours a week, and that sport will do diddly squat for them when they are adults. It isn’t going to encourage fitness. It’s simply going to keep them fit right now. There is some benefit to that, of course, and those kids who like being fit are more likely to adopt other fitness activities, but the sport itself won’t do much.
(In fact, Rebecca’s finding swimming is really helping her as she approaches the end of her third trimester!)
If you really want your children to be fit, they need to develop habits that they can continue easily as an adult.
Biking. Walking. Playing soccer and frisbee and touch football with family. Working out at the Y together (if they have kids’ programs). Swimming together. Cross-country skiing. Jogging. As kids get older, these are all things you can do with them, which will keep you fit, too. They contribute to family time, they don’t take away from it. And they’re more likely to meet your goals of raising a child who is healthy than putting that child into hockey 10 hours a week. Even more importantly, if your child is in extracurricular activities multiple nights a week, you won’t have time to develop these activities as a family. So they won’t get done.
How Do Extra Curricular Sports Impact Kids’ Values?
Now let’s look at something more general. In her book Why I Didn’t Rebel, Rebecca shared 7 characteristics of families whose kids were less likely to rebel (there’s never a guarantee, of course!). And one of those was that the family had a strong identity, and the kids identified with the family over their peers.
What if I told you that not all teenagers rebel?
And what if I told you that a lot of typical parenting advice makes rebellion more likely?
I interviewed 25 young adults, trying to figure out what made them rebel or not.
Here's what I found!
How, then, do you get kids to identify with the family? You have fun. You hang out. You spend time together. You make the default in their lives “being with the family”. So many times kids are in so many activities that their primary relationships aren’t even with siblings anymore. And if you stop identifying with your siblings or your parents to such a great extent, it’s unlikely that “family” will be considered your first priority.
Besides, most sports now require practices or games or tournaments on Sunday mornings, and so many of the Christian parents I know are missing more church than they’re actually attending. Fill up your kids’ schedule with sports rather than church, and what message is that giving kids? It’s saying, “your primary identity is in sports, and Christianity is something extra,” not the other way around. I think that’s dangerous.
So many times kids are in so many activities that their primary relationships aren’t even with siblings anymore, and families need to be together.
(Click here to tweet this quote)
Kids need to put first things first in their schedules. Besides, you can’t just have fun on a schedule. You need downtime for that. You need time for people to laugh. You need time for siblings to decide that spending time together is actually worth it. Often kids need to get bored before they will do something together, but if everything is hyper scheduled, they’re never bored, and they don’t turn to each other.
There’s nothing wrong with boredom. It’s the birthplace of many a great idea or great game. Kids get bored, so they need to find something to do. That’s when they reach out to little, bratty brothers or sisters. That’s when they make up games. That’s when they use their imagination.
Let’s stop making our kids live a hectic schedule that denies all of us family time.
They may enjoy it at the time, but in the long run, what is the most important goal for your family?
Some families may be able to squeeze everything in, and more power to you! But I have seen families who have thought they were doing it well, only to find fifteen years later that their kids had really gone their own way.
It’s a big risk. It may be one you want to take, because your child is gifted or really wants to do something. Just realize it’s a risk. Count the cost first, so that you can be sure that you are doing everything you can to preserve your family life in the time you have left. But I hope most of you may choose just to hang out as a family and maybe, occasionally, throw a football around together. I think, in the long run, that may be more valuable.
What do you think? Am I really off base? Are kids’ sports teams worth it? Are lots of extracurricular activities worth it? Let’s talk in the comments (and I’m pretty sure many will disagree with me on this one!)
Like this post? You should also check out:
5 Weird Reasons I Didn’t Rebel as a Teenager
What Rules are Appropriate for Teenagers?
Is It Important to Be on the Same Page with Parenting?
6 Signs You’re Being a Legalistic Parent
Author
Social Media
Sheila's Best Posts
Books
Courses
Freebie
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
September 6, 2019
What Makes a Good Marriage? The 3 Ingredients that Matter
What actually makes a good marriage? What traits do good marriages share?
I got thinking about this, and could easily rhyme off close to 20 criteria for a good marriage–things like “you laugh together”, or “you forgive quickly”, or “you’re kind to one another.”
But I wanted to get more to the heart of it.
And before I could figure that out, I decided that we had to define a good marriage first.
I think a good marriage is this:
Two people who share life together, who live together and serve each other, and who both feel truly known, accepted, and loved, so that they are strengthened to go into the world and do what they were born to do.
Definition of a Good Marriage
Marriage is a relationship in which both people need to feel free to bare their true selves, because that’s what it’s all about. We want to feel cherished, and you can’t feel cherished if you aren’t fully known. And you can’t open up and tell your spouse everything–your hopes, your fears, your dreams–if you’re scared your spouse will reject you or belittle you. You need trust.
And then, once you have that foundation of acceptance, love, and support, you can go out and fulfill the calling you have on your life. As a Christian, I believe that calling was given to us by Jesus before the very foundation of the world (Ephesians 2:10), that He has prepared us with unique gifts, opportunities, and personalities to make our own mark in the world and to do things that only
If that’s what we’re aiming for, then–if we want to be fully known, and fully loved–then the traits of a good marriage must accomplish that. A good marriage has to help us feel safe. So, with that criteria, I came up with just three things that sum up everything else:
1. A good marriage requires two people who think first about “us” before they think about “me”
In a good marriage, both spouses think about the unit before they think about themselves. If someone asks if you’re free on Tuesday night to do them a favour, you don’t just think, “do I have anything on Tuesday?” Your first thought is, “How will this affect my spouse and my family? What does my spouse and my family need?” If you’re considering your future career or education plans, you think about the effects on your spouse, not just on what you want to do. If it’s Saturday morning, you don’t just think, “what do I have to do today?” You think, “what is on my spouse’s plate right now, too?” and you jump in and help.
If one spouse is hurting, then the unit is hurting. The other spouse steps in to help, and to hold that person up for a time.
A beautiful example of this that’s played out in plain sight over the last year or so is Rachael and Jacob Denhollander. Rachael was the first victim of Larry Nassar to come forward and allow her real name to be used, and her boldness and courage inspired others. But then her advocacy work began, and she started calling out abuse in the church, too. Jacob knew that his wife had been appointed “for such a time as this”, and he willingly took on the burden of the childcare and a lot of the other things Rachael would normally have done in order to support his wife. There’s a lovely tribute to them in the Courier Journal this week:
She surrendered her secrets to put away a sexual predator. But her sacrifice isn’t over.
In her courageous battle for for justice against Larry Nassar, my wife became my hero (by Jacob Denhollander)
Often in marriage, though, one spouse is more focused on “me” and one spouse is focused on “us” (or, quite commonly, “you”). We’re told to be selfless, after all, and so we do our best to make our spouse’s life easy. However, when this is not reciprocated, we can actually end up enabling selfishness. God does not intend for marriage to be a place where one person is served and one person does all the serving. No, it’s a partnership, where we each hold the other up.
Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their labor:
If either of them falls down,
one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls
and has no one to help them up.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10
2. A good marriage requires two people who are willing to admit when they are wrong
In a good marriage, both spouses will show humility. They will admit when they are wrong. They will care if their spouse says, “I’m not feeling loved right now. Can we talk more about meeting each other’s emotional needs?” If their spouse says, “I want to be feel close to you, and I feel as if something’s missing from our sex life,” they will embrace that conversation, rather than reject it out of defensiveness, because they’re focused on building intimacy. Their goal is always more transparency, more love, more vulnerability, not just winning an argument or feeling as if they are in the right.
When people are able to admit when they are wrong, then they can grow. When people are invested in their own self-image, they won’t grow, because they’re unable to be honest about themselves.
As iron sharpens iron,
so one person sharpens another.
Proverbs 27:17
3. A good marriage requires two people willing to invest in their marriage–who don’t necessarily even recognize they’re doing so
Both parties will naturally want to share with each other what’s going on in their hearts. They’ll talk about their day. Though they have their own lives, friends, and hobbies, they still gravitate primarily towards shared vacations and shared hobbies. They will want to spend time together, and that will be the default setting. Their spouse will be their main confidante, even if they have friends that they also share with.
And while this may take effort at the beginning of the relationship, as the marriage progresses, it becomes natural, so natural that they may not even realize they’re doing it. They don’t have to think about “date nights” because they naturally do things together at night. They don’t have to think about love languages because it’s become their second language.
That hasn’t happened overnight. But it’s become habit. It’s who they are. It’s how they function. It’s why older couples look like each other, walk like each other, lean into each other. It’s why so many couples die within a few days or weeks of each other–because they’ve become like an extension of themselves.
If you struggle with this, I encourage you to sign up for my FREE emotional intimacy email course, where you’ll get 5 quick exercises by email that can help you grow your emotional connection:
One of the things you’ll notice about each of these criteria for a good marriage is that it requires two people to put in the effort.
You can’t create a good marriage by yourself. You can do a lot to improve your marriage. You can change your own attitude, and that can often cause your spouse to change in return. I talked about this a ton in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage: Sometimes the way we think about love, or gender roles, or conflict, or all of those things can actually stop us from having a good marriage because we’re actually working against intimacy, rather than for it, without even realizing it. We can set the stage to a healthier relationship by changing these things.
What’s holding you back from a GREAT marriage?
Do you find yourselves taking each other for granted?
Has marriage lost that “spark”?
Learn how to feel connected again–and how changing the way you THINK about marriage can make all the difference.
Take me to it!
As we do that–as we lean in more; as we forgive more; as we study our spouse and learn what makes them tick and genuinely try to serve them–we change the dynamic in our marriage. And, over time, you may find that your spouse changes in return. Your marriage grows easier. You feel more cared for.
If that doesn’t happen, though, change may need to go in a different direction, as I talk about in these posts (and at much greater length in 9 Thoughts that Can Change Your Marriage, too):
Are You a Spouse or an Enabler?
When Your Husband Won’t Change: Is this the Last Straw?
If you want to have a good marriage, think as a unit. Act as a unit. And build the unit.
Let the unit become your default. But remember that you cannot hold up the unit all by yourself. Sometimes you’ll need to draw boundaries and say no in order to encourage your spouse to pick up some of the slack and be engaged in the marriage as well. But hopefully, as we think more “us” and less “me”, we’ll all grow the kinds of marriages which are life and energy giving which is, after all, what God designed marriage for.
What do you think? What makes a great marriage? Let’s talk in the comments!
Author
Social Media
Sheila's Best Posts
Books
Courses
Freebie
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
September 5, 2019
What’s Stressing Out Your Marriage? Plus how not to let routine take over this school year!
What does “If you give a mouse a cookie” have to do with stress in marriage?
In today’s podcast, I tell you just that! I hope you all will listen, but if you don’t have time, I’ll have some links and rabbit trails below so you can read all you want as well!
And consider this podcast “extras”. If you want to go deeper into what I talked about in the podcast, here are some more things to help you.
But first, here’s the podcast–and thanks to Get Your Marriage On app for sponsoring it this week!
Main Segment: Little things can add up to big stress!
Rebecca joins me today as we talk about how little things can add up to big stress. Sometimes when we’re upset at our spouse, the underlying issue isn’t actually the marriage. It’s other things in our lives that are difficult, and we take it out on our spouse. When you deal with those other things, suddenly marriage feels lighter.
Just a few examples:
Clutter: Does your house feel stressful because you can’t find anything? Do you have so much stuff it’s hard to clean?
Cooking: Do you run around at the last minute not knowing what to cook for dinner, leading to constant chaos and stress?
Kids: Do they whine about the food you make? Bicker? Refuse to sleep? That’s going to have an impact on your marriage, too!
Money: Did you buy a house before you could really afford it? Are you constantly going into credit card debt? Do you never seem to have enough money to make it through the month?
I talked about this in yesterday’s post about uncovering the real source of stress in your marriage, and I’d encourage you to check that out. Also, I mentioned on the podcast this post about how downsizing can be worth it. Sometimes the only way out of stress is to downsize your life!
Reader Question: How do we not let routines take over our marriage?
Our reader question today was a super short one, and that’s basically it–how do you make sure that routines from everyday life don’t squeeze out your marriage? I talked about 3 big things:
Reduce the number of commitments so that you have at least 3 nights to eat together as a family.
That’s a good rule of thumb–3 nights that you’re home without having to rush anywhere, where you can all be together. When kids are teens that can be more difficult because of their part-time work schedules, but when your family’s schedules are entirely up to you, keep at least 3 nights free. In the long run, it’s better for kids to have a good family life than it is to be in a ton of activities. And kids need down-time with siblings, too!
Get organized with your routines
The more organized you are with cleaning/cooking/kids, the more emotional energy and time you’ll both have for each other at the end of the day.
Prioritize time together.
Date nights don’t have to involve going out. You can set aside one night a week to play board games as a couple or do a puzzle, or anything not involving a screen.
Like this post so far? You should also check out:
One Thing Most Couples Get Wrong about Date Night
50 Conversation Starters for Couples
Don’t Forget our Weekly Challenge!
Every week I like to issue my readers a marriage challenge–something that is super quick, cheap (if not free), and actionable. I love that you all read and listen, but for marriages to grow, we have to actually do something. So this week’s challenge is all about helping you identify your sources of stress.
Your Weekly TLHV Challenge
Identify sources of annoyance, frustration, anger, or stress over the last week–and brainstorm ways to reduce it!
On your own, jot down different things that have stressed you out in the past week, rating them from 1-5, with 1 being only a little bit stressful to 5 being really bad.
Now compare lists, and together, give each of these items a second score based on how easy they are to do something about, with 1 being hardest and 5 being easiest. Add up your scores, and choose the 1-2 items with the highest score. Brainstorm ways to address this together.
And remember to check out the Get Your Marriage On! app, that can help you set up the routine of a marriage meeting, and work through these questions.
Daniel, who created the app, even added my 50 conversation starters to the game–and then added 20 new ones that I wrote over the weekend, that aren’t available on this site, as a bonus just to my readers. When you sign up, use the code TLHV to unlock these 70 conversation starters!
It’s an awesome app with super short but helpful video teachings, and then exercises for you to learn love languages, improve communication, improve sex, resolve conflict, and more. And the tools and games section is actually my favourite, with marriage meetings, games like Strip Battleship, conversation starters, and more!
Get it now here:
What do you think? What is the biggest external cause of stress in most marriages? Is it possible to have dinner together 3 nights a week? Let’s talk in the comments!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
September 4, 2019
What’s the REAL Cause of Stress in Your Marriage?
If I asked, “what is causing stress in your marriage?”, what would you say?
Most people would rhyme off typical marriage problems–he doesn’t understand me; he doesn’t spend enough time with me; she’s not having sex with me enough; we’re not connecting.
And all of these things may be true.
But what I’d like to talk about this month is something slightly different.
What if the reason that you and your husband feel stress in your marriage is not primarily about your marriage at all, but instead about your life?
On the Wednesdays of each month I like to choose one topic and build a series out of it, and this month we’ll be looking at what is causing stress in marriage, and how we can reduce stress and anxiety in marriage.
And thanks so much to the Get Your Marriage On app for sponsoring this series, too! It’s a wonderful tool (that you’ll hear about in a moment).
But here’s what I mean:
Limiting and minimizing stress and anxiety in our lives is a huge topic of conversation these days because people are understanding how dangerous stress is long-term. And all of that is great. What is not so great is that often the way people deal with anxiety is to just try to make it go away, not deal with the root cause.
Anxiety and stress are symptoms of a bigger problem–they’re warning signs that something in our lives isn’t right.
Sometimes, it’s a warning sign that there’s just something in our brain chemistry that’s off and we need medication for a time or a lot of counselling. But many times stress and anxiety are a result of things we have put into our lives that are not healthy.
For example, if you’re living outside your means and are consistently living paycheck to paycheck without assurance you can pay the electricity bills, you’re going to feel a lot of stress. But the stress is not the problem; the financial habits are! To really deal with this problem, there are big changes that need to be made in terms of living expenses. Maybe it’s time to sell the big house and downsize to a condo or an apartment for a time until you can build up your savings again. Maybe it’s time to take the kids out of so many activities and sports and get on a strict budget. The anxiety isn’t actually the problem–it’s just the warning sign that there is a problem.
Too often I think we try to get rid of the anxiety or the stress without actually asking, “Why am I stressed/anxious?”
For Connor and Rebecca early in their marriage it meant making the decision to put Rebecca’s academic plans on hold because school was making her have panic attacks and it just wasn’t healthy for them at the time. If she had just pushed through and gone on to her PhD like she wanted, they simply would not have as good of a marriage as they do right now because it wasn’t a good fit for her at that time.
We were created to be beings with margins. God gave us a Sabbath day of rest and orders us to take one! But often we make choices that take away all of our margins. We buy huge houses when we could live in smaller ones and so our bills stack up and the time spent cleaning becomes unreasonable. We put our kids in so many activities that we don’t have any time to just sit down and do nothing as a family. We allow friends, family, and even (at times) our church communities to walk all over us because we can’t seem to say “no” to anything. All of these things mean that we become people who aren’t living the way we were created to live–with breathing room.
And then sometimes we feel stressed or anxious not because our schedules are necessarily too busy, but because we’re not spending the time we do have well. We never think about what to make for dinner until it’s 5:30 and we put on the spaghetti and brown the meat and then realize we have no spaghetti sauce. We don’t remember to make the kids’ lunches until minutes before the school bus comes. We don’t like cleaning, so the house is always a mess. Living with disorganization can also be a huge source of stress–but again, that stress is simply a warning sign that something deeper is wrong.
Or what if we’re super stressed because our children don’t behave? Or don’t eat well? Or don’t sleep? Sometimes there’s honestly nothing you can do about that, but often there are strategies that can help kids eat better, sleep better, and behave better, but we don’t know them, haven’t tried them, or don’t believe they’ll work. So instead we live in constant exhaustion, frustration, and chaos. That’s going to cause stress, too!
And when we’re stressed, we tend to take it out on our spouse.
When you feel stress and anxiety, you’ll often lash out at the person closest to you. Because of that, you’ll start feeling as if you have a marriage problem. We’re not getting along! We’re not having sex. We’re always fighting. But again, what if the root problem isn’t a marriage one at all? What if that relational problem is another warning sign that there’s something else wrong?
So how about an exercise to help you identify the sources of stress and anxiety in your marriage?
Every week I want to give you a To Love, Honor and Vacuum marriage challenge–something super quick that you can do as a couple that can help bring you closer together. Today I’m going to give you both a challenge and a tool to help you with that challenge! This week’s challenge is about figuring out where you need to pare down so you can find some of that breathing room again:
Your Weekly TLHV Marriage Challenge
Identify sources of annoyance, frustration, anger, or stress over the last week–and brainstorm ways to reduce it!
On your own, jot down different things that have stressed you out in the past week, rating them from 1-5, with 1 being only a little bit stressful to 5 being really bad.
Now compare lists, and together, give each of these items a second score based on how easy they are to do something about, with 1 being hardest and 5 being easiest. Add up your scores, and choose the 1-2 items with the highest score. Brainstorm ways to address this together.
Basically, in this challenge I’m asking you to have a marriage meeting–to sit down, talk about something, and make a plan to do something about that.
Well, I’ve just discovered a new app that can help you have those very marriage meetings–plus a whole lot more!
I’ve been talking for over a year about the absolutely amazing Ultimate Intimacy app, an app for married couples to help them work on their sex life. As I’ve said repeatedly, it’s the app I would have designed if I had ever gotten around to it, but now I don’t have to because they’ve already done it! And I keep getting emails and comments out of the blue! One woman said:
“We burst out the Ultimate Intimacy App. (Thank you for that suggestion! We we’re both very surprised and very pleased at how much fun it is, and it wasn’t awkward!)”
Email from Reader
Well, now the same people who designed that app have designed another one, geared at growing your marriage. Get Your Marriage On is like a marriage toolbox for those who don’t have time to go to marriage counseling, but who want a fun way to connect, work on their relationship, brainstorm, get on the same page, and grow together.
Daniel, who created it, told me, “If we had a tag line, it would be: The Marriage Counseling App that is Fast, Fun and NEVER BORING!”
Frankly, we could all use a tune up time to time. And this app aims to make working on your marriage NOT BORING and lots of fun!
It’s very different than the Ultimate Intimacy app. The UI app is primarily designed to make lovemaking fun. The Get Your Marriage On! app is about teaching the principles that make marriage work in a fun and interactive format. The app covers topics such as communication, in-laws, resolving conflict, understanding love languages, and of course sex & intimacy.
There are quizzes and games and you can sync it with your spouse for the tools that are built in, such as marriage meeting planners, a shared vision board, and so on…. and best of all, it’s 100% video based (over 60), taught by experts in their fields.
When I was exploring their app, I listened to the video introducing the concept of “Marriage Meetings”, and started laughing, because he was saying all the things that we were putting in this post!
When they do surveys, they find one consistent theme: Everybody says they want peace, but everyone says they feel stressed.
Life is too busy. It’s too complicated. And when that happens, it’s all too easy to drift into roommate status, where you live together & pay the bills together, but that’s it.
But you didn’t get married to settle for that! You want deep connection, romance, to be attracted to each other. You want all of that amidst the stress.
So the app helps you walk through what a quick Marriage Meeting can look like–the kind of meeting where you can do this challenge. Short videos teach you how the Marriage Meeting part of the app works, and why you need a marriage meeting.
Then you can plan your own agenda, sync with your spouse, and have that meeting! They’ve even got pre-made meetings on a variety of topics:
You can each grab the app and sync it to each other, so you can make notes that the other can see (you can even do this challenge in the app!). And the app has a vision board that will help you clarify what it is that you’re working towards, too, so that it’s easier to leave behind the things that are causing you stress.
Of course, the app also helps you discover each other’s love languages, figure out your sex issues, and even walks you through difficult conversations so you can resolve conflict.
Play Strip Battleship! Learn foreplay techniques. Take a love language quiz. And it’s got some awesome conversation starters, too.
There’s a free version of the app, but the paid version lets you sync with your spouse, gets access to a lot more videos, and more.
Explore the Get Your Marriage On app, and even use it for this challenge! Walk through the marriage meeting ideas, and learn how to plan frequent but short meetings to address real issues, so that you CAN reduce the stress in your marriage.
It’s time to Get Your Marriage On! And keep the stress and anxiety at bay.
Using something like Get Your Marriage On can ensure that you keep those lines of communication open, and that you have those conversations you need to have.
So I encourage you: Take the challenge this week. Identify your sources of stress. And then make plans to deal with them. Because it’s not always a marriage issue! Sometimes life is just tough, and we need to tackle it in a different way.
What do you think? Does outside stress contribute to your marriage stress? What are some of the big things causing you stress and anxiety? Let’s talk in the comments!
Author
Social Media
Sheila's Best Posts
Books
Courses
Freebie
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
September 3, 2019
10 Tips to Help Daughters Stay Safe from Sexual Assault on Campus
How can you help your daughters stay safe from sexual assault as they leave for college?
It’s a new school year and thousands of students around the world are on their way to campus, ready for syllabus week (frosh week here in Canada!). I remember what it was like to drop my girls off at the townhouse where they’d be living, and saying good-bye to them, and driving three hours back home. It’s really emotional for a mom!
When we drove Katie off to college at 18, she was all smiles, but I was a mess, and it didn’t take long before she got really teary, too!
But one of the things I made sure that we went over before they left home was some basic rules for safety, thinking specifically about sexual assault.
Now, before I get into this, I want to state three HUGE caveats.
First, the best way to stop sexual assault is for those assaulting to stop.
The responsibility for this really should not be on the victims. I firmly endorse this Twitter thread that I saw this weekend:
beware of drugs! do not put drugs in drinks that are not yours.
— rael ☼ (@xcrazyraerae) June 26, 2019
She was saying that to prevent sexual assault–people should stop sexually assaulting. However, while in an ideal world we could just tell those who are prone to assault others to stop, we’re never going to stop evil from happening. So I’d rather at least give our girls some guidelines.
Second, no matter how careful you are, assault can happen to you and it isn’t your fault.
The vast majority of sexual assaults are perpetrated by someone known to the victim. Unless we want to go around life with our guard up at all times and never leave the house and never be with the opposite sex, we will be at least somewhat at risk.
Third, men can be victims of sexual assault, too.
Though we don’t talk about it as much, guys can be victims as well, especially during hazing at university. So make sure your boys know that this is not their fault, and that they can tell you, too!
With all that said, I want to stress that the purpose of this post is not to say that we can prevent all sexual assault, or that anyone is to blame if it happens to them. Instead, I just want to go over some things that can help make our daughters more streetwise (though guys can be victims, I’m going to focus on women here). I learned most of these growing up in downtown Toronto, and I taught them to my girls, and they do help! What studies have found, too, is that the more confident you appear, the less likely you are to be targeted (note: I said less likely, not NEVER. Again, you’re not to blame). So feeling equipped, being aware of your surroundings, and having a game plan can help you feel more confident.
I’d like to share some general things that I taught my daughters when they were teenagers, and then add some specific to living on campus!
1. Never go near a guy in a parked car.
If he wants directions, stand far back and talk loudly. If you think you’re being followed by a car, turn around and walk in the opposite direction (ie. towards the car, so that the car would have to make a U-turn to follow you). I taught this one to my girls when they were young, and used to drill them on it repeatedly. Don’t go near a woman asking directions in a parked car, either. My fellow Canadians will remember Kristen French, who was nabbed by Paul Bernardo and Karla Homolka when pretty Karla stopped and leaned out a window with a map to ask her for help. I told my daughters to be wary of all cars, even those with women.
2. If you walk in the dark, walk with your keys in one hand and your cell phone in the other.
Have 911 on speed dial. And place a key between your index finger and middle finger, with the sharp end pointing out. Then, if anyone ever grabs you, you jab them in the eyes as hard as you can. It sounds drastic, but if you just always walk that way, it isn’t a big deal.
3. Have a code word to tell others you’re in trouble
that you can say to your friend or parent on the phone when you are in trouble. Sometimes it’s even just a name that they never call you. My girls never called me “Mother”, for instance, so if they ever were to say that, I’d know there was something up. Even today, if they’re trying to tell me that they can’t speak freely, they can always say that and I know.
4. As much as possible, don’t be alone in a car with someone else.
If you need a ride somewhere, make sure there are girls in the car, too. If that’s not possible, or if it’s a guy you’ve been dating for a while, don’t drive for the sake of driving. Drive because you have somewhere to go and you’re expected there at a certain time.
5. Make sure someone always knows where you’re supposed to be–
and what time you’re supposed to be home. And make someone always knows who you’re with, and mention it to the person that you’re with that you told your roommate/friend you were out with them. And speaking of this one, parents, just because you know where your daughter is does not mean she’s safe. Babysitting can be dangerous! Make sure you know the family well before your daughter (or son) babysits.
And now five more tips for staying safe from sexual assault specifically for when they go away for college!
I asked Joanna (who works on the blog) and Rebecca (my daughter who is about to make me a grandmother) to chime in on this one, because they’re much closer to the university years than I am!
6. Avoid frat parties, and any party that has alcohol
This one isn’t fair, but it is true. Some college students experiment with truly evil things when they are on their own for the first time, and date rape drugs are a very clear and common example of this.
I personally know a girl who was raped after drugs were slipped into a glass of water at a party – she’d decided to go but avoided alcohol to stay safe. It was a horrible tragedy. Such violence is unacceptable and intolerable and it means that women and girls cannot safely be in some spaces. Avoiding frat parties (and any party where alcohol is being served) is an important way to reduce (though we can never eliminate) the risk.
Joanna Sawatsky
7. Be wary of walking or exercising alone, especially at night
It’s really nice, when you’re in the middle of studying for finals, to head out for a jog along a walking or running path. And 95% of the time that’s a great idea. But just be cognizant of your surroundings and if the path is totally deserted at 6 am, try a different, more populated route. It’s very rare for someone to jump out of the bushes, but it does happen. And be careful walking at night, too!
We had a rape on campus during my freshman year at 7:30 am, outside of one of the chemistry buildings. My friend Adam heard about the incident and decided that I wasn’t walking home alone at night. I was living in a new dormroom (actually, I was living the suite life of Zach and Cody and chilling in a hotel that had just been turned into a dorm) and it was rather far from the building that we’d previously both been in. But, never fail, Adam walked me home. I so appreciated his kindness – he’s now a doctor and I’m confident he’s fabulous at it.
Joanna Sawatsky
Before we were married, I spent a lot of time at Connor’s house with him and his roommates. One of their house rules, since they were a house full of guys, was that they wouldn’t ever make a girl walk back alone. So even if you didn’t ask for a walking buddy, if any of the guys heard one of the girls was heading out one of them would say, “Wait a minute and I’ll grab my coat and walk with you.” It wasn’t made into a big deal, it’s just what they did. They were truly wonderful guys–look for friends like that who will take your safety seriously!
Rebecca Lindenbach
8. Take a self defense class
After the sexual assaults on campus, my amazing mentor Ruth decided that a bunch of us from our church on campus were going to take a self defense class. So once a week, I got my nose out of my books to learn how to take someone out if I had to. The whole goal of the class was to give us tools to use throughout our lives, instead of technical moves that we’d forget in a year or ten. It was a hugely empowering and helpful experience and I’m glad I know how to break someone’s nose.
Joanna Sawatsky
Please: tell your girls that they’re allowed to defend themselves. And self-defense goes beyond just physical force, too–my biggest “self-defense” move was to just start talking to some stranger who was in the vicinity as if I knew them and say “Hey, there’s a creepy guy following me do you mind just talking with me until he goes away?” (Usually this happened at bus stops where there was at least one older woman I could go up to!)
Rebecca Lindenbach
9. Choose the neighborhood where you live carefully–and try not to live alone!
First, you’re always going to be safer if you have roommates who know where you are and expect you home at a certain time, and if you widely advertise that fact with everyone you’re with. And watch where you live, too!
A friend’s roommate was held up at knifepoint in their apartment south of campus during my sophomore year of college – another roommate had left the backdoor unlocked accidentally and a predator took the opportunity. I remember being so grateful that I lived in a different neighborhood, about a 10 minute drive from campus. It was worth it for both the cheaper rent and for the better and safer living environment. If you are moving off campus, be aware of the safety concerns in different parts of whatever city or town you’re in and ensure that you’re in a place where you’ll be safe.
Joanna Sawatsky
If your kids live in a less-than-stellar neighbourhood, too, take measures to make it safer. Put wooden dowels in the window wells so that people can’t open their windows, even if left unlocked by accident. Talk to the landlord about setting up an automatically locking door lock. Look at bus stop locations and whether or not your kid will have to walk along an unlit path for a while to get home or if they can get off the bus and have a safe way back. These things matter and make living alone way less scary!
Rebecca Lindenbach
10. And finally, and my big bonus one: TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS.
If you think something is off, it’s off. You don’t have to have a conversation with someone just because they started it. If someone’s making you uncomfortable on a bus, it’s okay to switch seats. If someone’s making you uncomfortable in an elevator, it’s okay to press lobby and get out. If someone’s making you uncomfortable in a library, it’s okay to get up and walk out, or to over and sit near someone who works there. Often we don’t do these things because we don’t want to be rude, but sometimes you have to be rude! As I said in this post, it’s okay to be rude to creepy people!
To reiterate, if someone attacks you, that is never your fault. At the same time, though, we should all try as hard as possible to minimize the risk of sexual assault.
The risk will never be 0. There will always be evil in the world, and women will always be at higher risk. But I do think that the more that we can talk to our girls openly about this, and the more we can help them feel empowered to speak up, say no, and be rude when necessary, the better.
Is there anything you would add? Do you have any horror stories from going away to college? Share with me your #11!
Like this post? You may also like:
A Plea for Christian Men Not to Trivialize #MeToo
It’s Okay to Be Rude to Creepy People
Author
Social Media
Sheila's Best Posts
Books
Courses
Freebie
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
August 30, 2019
When Your Husband Says You Don’t Act Like a Sexy Wife — My Readers Chime In!
Is it ever OK for a husband to ask his wife to act like other women in order to be sexier?
On Monday I asked what your thoughts were on a reader’s question about her husband wanting her to be more sexy, and you had a lot of great thoughts! So thank you for commenting–it was a fantastic conversation!
As a reminder, here was the question on Monday:
Reader Question
I’ve been married for a few months. My husband and I were both virgins on our wedding night. We both adore each other and the friendship aspect of our marriage couldn’t be better! In fact, the romance couldn’t be better. My husband is very physically affectionate, caring, and sweet with me. But when it comes to sex, I’m very interested in lovemaking all the time but he often would rather do anything else. (No history of porn use or molestation.) It is really painful to get turned down, especially since I thought I was giving him a wonderful gift that most husbands would love to receive! Finally the other day he let me know very kindly that it would really help him if I learned how to be sexy. He said, “I know you’ve spent your whole life in the purity culture learning NOT to be sexy.” and he’s right. I don’t know how! He mentioned that some girls with the way they act and carry themselves can make every man in the room want them. But what are they doing? Can you help me? I love my husband dearly and I know he loves me, but I don’t know how to turn him on. I’m willing to learn!
In your comments, you seemed to answer based on a variety of possible scenarios that could be at play here. So I’ve organized some of them them into different categories and shared my thoughts on how they can work through this issue! Let’s go!
Scenario 1: He’s lying about never using porn
This seemed to be a popular one. And to be honest, because he’s comparing his wife to other women, I see a lot of possibility for this. Here are some of your comments:
Yeah, I’m really not buying the “doesn’t use porn” thing. His blame-shifting exacerbates that impression. This does not sound to me like something that is her problem. It sounds like a husband who is sinning and blaming his wife.
Here’s another:
I really do believe that he is lying to her about the porn. I mean, sure – maybe he’s never looked at hard core porn, but he has most likely been masturbating for years to images of other women and the fantasies that he’s built in his mind. I feel a deep sense of foreboding for this sweet, naive young woman – when she finds out the truth she’ll be heartbroken.
But, just for argument’s sake: let’s say that this man truly is pure in mind and just doesn’t find his wife sexy. He’s still selfish and immature. Selfish because he is obviously more concerned with sex on his terms than meeting his wife’s needs or making her feel loved, and immature because if you want something different in initiation (been there, it does happen) the onus is on you to have clear, useable instructions and not just “other women do it right, maybe you could learn from them.”
I hope this isn’t the case for this couple! If it is, their marriage can be healed from porn use. And also, I would tell this woman that it’s important that she remembers that his porn use is not her fault, and that the husband allows her to help him recover instead of pushing her away and refusing to deal with the issue.
I’ve spoken about Covenant Eyes many times because I do believe that it is a very helpful tool in helping someone recover from porn use and become porn-free. Seriously, this is a real problem and if you’re facing it in your marriage, this is an awesome tool:
Find freedom from porn!
Your marriage, and your thought life, do not need to be held captive to pornography.
There is freedom.
Beat porn–together!
I want to find freedom!
We obviously don’t have all the information, maybe he isn’t using porn, maybe he just has unhealthy ideas of what “sexy” means. Which brings us to the second scenario:
Scenario 2: He’s trying to make her live out his fantasy life
Porn doesn’t always need to be involved in order to create unhealthy, unrealistic fantasies about what sex should look like.
Here’s a great perspective from a wife who has been through this herself:
My heart hurts for this woman. I was her.
A few weeks after my wedding we went to VS to use a gift card we were given. My new husband couldn’t find anything in the store he thought would look good on me, but he pointed out how sexy all the models were and told me to act like that and have “that” facial expression/look in my eye. That was a devastating blow to someone who was still new to everything and who thought that by only having sex with him we would be crazy about each other. But my new husband also didn’t want me the way I wanted him.
It came down to a fantasy life that I didn’t live up to. It sounds like the same for this woman. And the problem is that she never will live up to it. 
August 29, 2019
PODCAST EXTRAS: Headship, Ephesians 5 Explained, Real Masculinity–Oh, and Elderly Parents
What does it mean that the husband is the “head of the household”?
It’s time for a new episode of the To Love, Honor and Vacuum podcast! And today I thought I’d take on something a little bit controversial, and give it the attention it needs. So this one ROCKS!
I hope you all will listen, but if you don’t have time, I’ll have some links and rabbit trails below so you can read all you want as well!
And consider this podcast “extras”. If you want to go deeper into what I talked about in the podcast, here are some more things to help you.
But first, here’s the podcast:
Main Segment: Ephesians 5 Explained–What is “Head of the Wife”?
We start in by talking about how head of the house isn’t actually in Scripture, and why we should stop using the term. And then I talk about what headship really means, and what it DOESN’T mean. It’s a bit of a jaunt through two different Greek words for head (and why Paul chose the one he did), why his word choice DOESN’T mean “chain of command” or authority (though the other word he deliberately DIDN’T choose does mean that), a bit of Hebrew, and some Roman history.
Then we talk about what headship does mean, and how the idea of taking initiative and doing something when something needs to be done is a much better translation both for the Greek and for the logic of the context of several passages we’re looking at. If you’ve ever been confused by Ephesians 5, or by other passages about husbands and wives, you may really enjoy this!
When I was 16 years old, I was really struggling with my faith, because I believed that God didn’t like me as much as he liked boys. I thought, “why would God have made me smart if he didn’t want me speaking up, if he only wanted me to listen to men?” Then someone gave me some heavy duty academic books about Greek and the New Testament and women, and they literally changed my life and reinvigorated my faith and made me understand that I am precious to God, too. So I’m crystallizing all of that in just 20 minutes in this podcast to make it accessible, and I hope you like it!
If you want to read more on this, Marg Mowczo is a great resource:
Kephale and Male Headship in Paul’s Letters
By the way, I so appreciate Marg’s scholarly work, and so when I knew i was going to be in Australia, I sent her a message on Twitter and asked if we could meet up, and we did!
I’ve also written other posts about this subject through different lenses, but I encourage you to take a look at the series I did on submission last September, starting at the first post about Sarah and Abraham, and whether we’re really supposed to obey our husbands. It’s an in-depth series leading up to what God is calling women to do in marriage.
What Does It Mean to Obey Like Sarah?
Your Weekly Challenge: Ask Your Spouse, “Have I Ever Said Something About Sex that Hurt You?”
We’ve got our second weekly challenge this week! And this one is based on two posts from earlier in the week–the first when I asked you all about this newlywed whose husband wants her to be sexier; and the second when I asked you all what things we shouldn’t tell our spouses about sex.
I couldn’t answer that question well myself because I couldn’t type. My hand was all bandaged up from a bad cut on the weekend. But I’ve got the big wrap off now and it’s much easier! So this is what I wanted to say (and what I said in the podcast):
When sharing something that may be hurtful about sex, ask yourself: Is this something that either of us can change? Will sharing this help us be able to work towards greater intimacy? Or will it just be hurtful? Am I sharing it in a constructive way and a kind way, or am I sharing it in a biting way?
There may be a reason, for instance, to tell your spouse that you’ve been faking orgasm and you really want to work on not doing that and on learning how to feel pleasure. That WILL hurt, but you have to have that conversation if you’re ever going to move towards real intimacy. Sharing that you think his penis is too small, or her breasts are too small, though, is NEVER helpful because neither can change that.
So do our challenge! And, if you find that you need a way to have more conversations about this, and figure out how to make sex mutual and feel intimate, work through 31 Days to Great Sex.
Need an easier way to have these conversations?
31 Days to Great Sex guides you through exercises so that you can talk about libido, frequency, intimacy, in a low-stress, easy way.
No blaming. Just solutions–and a whole lot of fun!
Let's try it!
Reader Question: How Do I Set Boundaries with My Elderly Mom?
And now for something completely different! A woman writes:
My husband and I recently moved to another state to help our kids with their new baby. My mother lived in the state that we came from. She was living independently and able to drive still and took care of herself and had people who could help her when she needed it.
I lived a short car ride away and only saw her once a week for a few hours when we lived in the previous state. I was the last of my siblings to move away from my mom.
When we moved, my mom decided to move with us. I wasn’t 100% on board with this but she told me “she would die if she had to stay there alone” Last month, I flew home and moved her here. She has her own condo but now she can’t find her way around (even though I have taken her places and I wrote directions for her too) She also will not reach out to people and make any connections to meet people. ( She also did this back at home) So my question is, What is the healthy way to deal with this and not let her make me feel guilty. How can I put healthy boundaries on this situation? I also want to mention she refuses to get someone to come in and help her 1-2 days a week. I also work part time and and helping my daughter with my grandbaby. She doesn’t like it where we moved to because it is different than we where we lived for 50 years. I told her it would be hard but she insisted on coming.
It’s funny, because a few years ago I wrote a post that went really big about how senior parents owe their adult children a life, and if they need their adult children to eventually look after them, they owe it to those children to move closer to those children. So this older mom is doing exactly what I said she should do!
Yes, the mom does need to make friends, and I’d recommend this letter writer take her to some aquafit classes and seniors’ groups at churches until she feels comfortable. And yes, it’s okay to say, “I won’t be your housekeeper, Mom, so I need you to hire someone, or else realize you’ll be doing it yourself.”
But at the same time, I think you can spend some time with your mom. And she will need her daughter more as the mom gets older. She moved to care for a grandbaby who had two parents who are married. Her mom has nobody, and needs her, too. That’s valid. Involve the mom with the baby! Have the mom in for dinner. And if Mom is difficult, tell her for sure. But I think we can spend some time caring for parents who need us, and not just grandbabies who are cuter.
And get the siblings involved, too! But overall, be grateful your mom moved, because in the long run, this will be much easier.
That’s it for the podcast this week! Listen in, because it’s full of some pretty important stuff. And let me know:
Have you ever been told about the significance of the different Greek words for head? And what do you think this woman owes her mom? Let’s talk in the comments!
Author
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Sheila's Best Posts
Books
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Freebie
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
August 28, 2019
Finding a Bra that Actually Fits: Solutions to 3 Common Bra Dilemmas
I wrote last week about how much fun I had fitting bras in Kenya – it was amazing to see how much getting a bra means to the girls we meet in Kenya. Our fittings were done over top of our t-shirts and we had to move quickly. But it’s often a bit more complicated than a short fitting can manage.
On Wednesdays this month we’ve been talking about lingerie. We started out talking about choosing comfortable lingerie, then we moved on to finding panties that fit your body type. Last week was bras for different body types or different purposes, and today I want to turn to specific challenges when finding a bra that fits. And I hope you all took my challenge to purge your lingerie drawer, too!
So let’s turn to unique bra fitting challenges. (Again, I’ll be linking to Amazon for some products, so some of these may be affiliate links).
How on earth do bra sizes work?
In the US and Canada (and elsewhere I believe, but you can correct me if I’m wrong), bra sizes are a combination of a number (band size) and a letter (cup size). The number in a woman’s bra size is the size of her ribcage, just below her breasts, in inches rounded to the nearest even number. This number is also called the band size. If the measurement is an odd number that you had to round, recognize that you can use either of the two band sizes closest to your measurement (a circumference of 31 could wear a 30 or a 32 band, for example).
The letter, or cup size, is a measurement of the difference between the circumference of a woman’s chest around her breasts and the circumference of a woman’s ribcage. The difference becomes the cup size. A difference of
Figuring out your bra size at home with a soft measuring tape is really easy and if you’re having trouble getting it by yourself, feel free to get your husband to help. I’m sure he’ll be more than willing.
What is my bra sister size?
When you’re trying on bras in a store, sometimes it can be nice to try two similar sizes to see which one works best. But here’s the odd thing – if you’re normally a 34B, the closest sizes to you are NOT 34A and 34B. Instead, to figure out your “sister sizes,” as they are sometimes called, just move up one measurement and down the other – up a cup size and down a band size, etc. A 34B, then, is actually closest to a 32C and a 36A. Especially when trying a new brand, it can be nice to try on bras of your sister sizes to see which one fits the most comfortably on.
How does the shape of my breasts affect bra sizing?
We got a really helpful comment last week from a woman about how breasts being either top or bottom heavy can affect sizing that I wanted to be sure to shape.
Use your hands to lift/shape your breasts into the position they would be if you were wearing a really great bra. Now, is the majority of the breast tissue above or below your nipple? Because you will need a different style depending on which it is. She comments that based on what’s available for sale, it seems the majority of women are ‘bottom heavy’. So if you’re ‘top heavy’, even if you get the correct ~size~, chances are, it’s always going to just not-really-fit. Plunge is NOT going to work, balconette probably isn’t either, and nor is anything with a seam across the top of the cup, like for a lace/ribbon trim, etc. Darts in the cup, however, are your new best friends!! And a bra-fitter who actually knows what they are talking about (rather than following a script — you can often tell these in the shop), few and far between as they may be, should be able to get you a bra that fits the top half of your breasts, even if the bottom part of the cup is still too big, because darts can be taken in easily. Pray about finding a good one before you go into the shop. (I’m serious. And in fact, given how complicated bras and fitting can be, I’d recommend doing this whoever you are!) Also, top-heavy ladies, you’re the ones out of everyone who least need a push-up bra, but you might find that the support in a push up bra is ironically actually where you most need it!
Why update my bra?
One major reason to invest in new undergarments is if your bras are causing you pain or if they are making you uncomfortable. Additionally, bras also wear out and will need to be replaced after time. I really recommend handwashing bras to keep them from wearing out, or, if you’re pressed for time, at least hanging them to dry. Dryers make bras wear out much faster! If you are going to put them in the washing machine, use a mesh bag like these ones.
Understandably, gaining or losing weight will cause your bra size to change. You may also find that the way that you carry weight changes as you age.
Many women find that their band size increases after pregnancy, since baby pushed on their ribcage while growing like a weed, so you may find that after you’ve weaned your baby you need to update your bra collection.
Problem #1: What if my band size is really small?
If you have a really small band size, it can be hard to find a bra that fits. A reader who we’ll call Cici emailed us last week with some amazing advice, here’s what she had to say:
In clothing, I’m a US 00P or 0P, and my bra size is a 28E. Small band sizes with cup sizes above an A or B are really hard to cope with! Everyone seems to assume that if you wear a 28 band, or an XS shirt or bralette, then you’re also flat-chested – but that’s often not the case! In fact, since statistically so many women are wearing the wrong bra size, there are often a lot more women who should wear a 28 or 30 band with a cup size of C or larger. To the eye, my chest doesn’t look very large – it’s just large relative to my frame and to the size of my ribcage. This is actually much more common than most women think!
Yet most bra companies don’t cater to this AT ALL. You’ll find absolutely nothing that fits us at Victoria’s Secret or Target or Soma or anywhere normal. I will never be able to pop into Target with my friends and buy a cute bra for $30 and a matching panty. (Yes; I’m a little bitter about that.)
Here are my tips:
First, ALL small band/large cup size bras will cost way more than bargain standard-sized bras. I pay $70-80 (USD) for most of mine. There’s no way around this – go for quality and fit in your bras, even if you only have 2 or 3 of them.
Try specialty bra/lingerie shops. We have one locally – they measure you carefully, and stock a lot of unusual sizes. This way you can try them on.
Nordstroms and other high-end stores also may carry a wider range of sizes, although they still mostly only go down to a 30 band size.
Tailoring! Most of my bras are a 30DD with the backband tailored to make it 2″ smaller. This opens up a lot more options, because then I can buy 28DDD/E’s or 30DD’s. A 30 band size could tailor down a 32. A specialty lingerie shop will usually tailor them for you in-house; or you can take ones you bought online or elsewhere to a regular tailor.
Be aware of international sizing. Many good brands for small band, large cup sizes are not made in the US/Canada. Look up a chart for international size conversions if you’re buying online, or work with a trusted fit specialist.
Good brands for small bands include: Panache, Chantelle, Natori (especially good at matching bra & panty sets and lace), Freya, Wacoal (they do actually make a few pretty ones!), Cosabella (for bralettes – try their curvy line!), and The BraLab* (small company with convertible/modular and strapless bras that can fit a range of sizes).
Once you have a good idea what size fits you best, get comfortable buying online – just check return policies in case something doesn’t work out for you!
We are so grateful for this amazing advice and we hope that many readers will find her pointers helpful, too!
Band tighteners are also available on amazon, if you’d like to avoid the tailor.
If you’re good at sewing yourself, you can also do it yourself! Commenter Jane Eyre recommended just folding the band over itself near the armpit and sewing it down, and then left this tutorial on how to shorten the band size. The pictures are amazing! It really does work.
Problem #3: What if I have a bigger bust?
If you’re heavy chested, ensure that you’re getting a bra with enough coverage so that you don’t feel like you’re spilling over or are going to pop out of your bra. Also make sure that the straps are wide, to give you more support. It’s important to make sure that your bra fits you well, so check your measurements to make sure you have a good fit to prevent back pain. And in that case, a full coverage bra is often your best choice. We had a lot of people leave tips for small chested women in the comments last week, but if anyone has any specific tips for large-chested women, leave them in the comments here!
Can I get sports bras if I’m bigger chested?
A number of women recommended these sports bras, which are available up to a 58 band size. Others swore by the Zyia brand. So there are some out there, but make sure that they are full coverage, with very thick elastic and good support.
What if my favorite bra is just a little too tight in the band?
There’s an app for that.
Okay, not quite, but there IS a really nice little product you can pick up for not much money – a bra extender. If you’re a little larger busted, or you’ve grown recently and your favorite bras don’t fit, you can extend them! Just choose the number of hooks you need and voila, instant extra band size.
Problem #3: What if I’m pregnant or nursing?
Your cup size is going to change significantly during pregnancy and breastfeeding. And because one of the first signs of pregnancy is tender breasts, it’s really tempting to go out and buy a bunch of new bras right away. I’d absolutely recommend finding a soft sports bra that will work for you until the tenderness wears off, but try to wait until you’re in your 3rd trimester or so to start thinking about getting a few nursing bras.
Also, most women leak while nursing at least a bit, so picking up some inserts to keep your bras nice is really critical (as is getting some good lotion to use if they get chapped by baby). That way you’ll be comfortable in your bras.
One reader also recommended trying a nursing cami with bra insert for coverage while nursing. We love the cami she suggested!
Another commenter with a hard to fit size had a really fabulous suggestion about tailoring in nursing bras – I never would have thought of this!
I was a 34DDD before breastfeeding, and I looked everywhere for nursing bras that would both fit and provide enough support to avoid straining my back as I adjusted to being a 36F. Maternity stores didn’t have anything that worked for me. The lingerie stores in my area didn’t have nursing options in my size. My mom, a seamstress, suggested we find some well-made bras that fit (and we found them on clearance!), and then she converted them to nursing bras for me. This ended up being a much more economical solution! A few of my friends found out what we had done and ended up bringing my mom piles of bras because they were tired of flimsy bra options at a time when their breasts were heavier and more cumbersome than ever!
So if you’re struggling with nursing bras, consider reaching out to a seamstress or tailor for a bespoke option!
And then someone else gave us this link: A complete tutorial to convert a regular bra into a nursing bra.
Another reader pointed out the importance of getting a good fit while nursing – mastitis and clogged ducts.
I’m nursing right now ( 36 DD) and I feel like a good fitting bra is especially important during breastfeeding to help prevent problems. After my twins were born, I used several cheaper brand bras, and I got clogged milk ducts all the time. I’m sure part of it was the poor fitting bras because when I finally got a good fit it helped. This time with my daughter, I haven’t had near the problem with the clogged ducts, and I’ve been using nice bras since the beginning. I’ve have good luck with bravado bras. They’re more expensive, but I feel like with both bras and shoes, you get what you pay for.
Thank you so much to all of the readers who let us know their tips for making bras work for YOU! And I was blown away by how many of you said that you sewed your own, or that you hired tailors to fix small things, and it made all the difference. As a knitter, I customize things all the time, but I’ve never thought of customizing a bra. So that was my big takeaway. Find something you love, but it’s not quite right? Then fix it! I love it.
There you have it! My best tips–and many, many of yours (thank you!)–to troubleshoot bra fitting. Do you have any other advice? Let me know in the comments!
Check out other posts in our lingerie series:
How to Choose Lingerie that Makes You Feel Sexy
Choosing Panties for Your Body Type–that Make You Feel Sexy and Comfortable
10 Things to Throw Out of Your Lingerie Drawer Right Now
Common Bra Problems–and How to Fix Them!
How to Find a Bra that Actually Fits when You’re a Rare Size (This one!)
Author
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Sheila's Best Posts
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Find Sheila Here:
Facebook
Twitter
Instagram
YouTube
Pinterest
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
August 27, 2019
What Should You NEVER Say to Your Spouse When Talking about Sex?
When it comes to sex, are there some things that are best kept to yourself?
So it’s Tuesday, and I still can’t type.
(In fact, this is actually Rebecca writing out the post on Sheila’s behalf again.)
Normally we get our posts scheduled a few days ahead of time. But on the weekend I hosted two big family parties, and that was the focus of my energy last week. And we weren’t expecting for me to not be able to type this week so it’s throwing a wrench in our plans.
In case you missed it, back on Saturday I had an incident with an onion and a kitchen knife that led me to the ER room to get stitches.
Later this week we have posts that will run like normal, but for today we wanted to try something different again. We just loved seeing your answers for Monday’s post–and we’re going to be putting together a collection of responses for the post on Friday so there’s an organized answer from all of you.
If you haven’t read the post yet, check it out here: Should This Wife Have to Be Sexier? I’m Asking YOU!
So today I’m asking for your opinions again. There seemed to be a consensus with yesterday’s question that it was inappropriate for the husband to compare his wife to other women when he was asking her to be sexier. Honesty is not always the best policy! So here’s today’s question:
What things should you never say when talking about sex? What are you and your spouse’s absolute no-gos when it comes to talking about sex?
Some examples may be:
You should be sexier like other women (yesterday’s post)
I wish your (body part) were bigger/smaller
I had a sex dream about your sister/mother/best friend
Then this week’s newsletter on Friday will contain 10 of the best/funniest/most helpful answers from your comments to help make sure we don’t commit any major blunders during these difficult or awkward conversations! Because let’s be honest–a lot of these are learned after it’s too late.
So be sure to get on the email list if you’re not already!
And, as I told you last week, I want to start a weekly challenge on To Love, Honor and Vacuum: Something super easy you can do to help bring you closer.
This week your challenge is going to be very simple:
Your Weekly TLHV Challenge
Ask your spouse, “Have I ever said something while talking about sex that hurt you?” Because many of us may not know what causes our spouse pain when talking about these really personal, intimate things. So be honest, be vulnerable, and be willing to listen!
Now, if this challenge leads to some difficult conversations, you may want to look at these two posts and talk through them for context:
Reader Question: Can Sex Be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Why We Need a New Definition of Sex
And please remember, if you find that this is raising issues that you are having a hard time working through on your own, working through 31 Days to Great Sex together can really help you understand each other and get on the same page. And right now it’s only $4.99 in ebook form!
Do you yearn to have a more meaningful–and fun–sex life?
Check out my 31 Day challenge that you do with your spouse. Super easy–just read a few pages a night and do what it says. Learn to talk more, flirt more, be more affectionate, spice things up, deal with baggage, and so much more!
No blaming. Just solutions–and a whole lot of fun!
Let's try it!
So let’s hear it: what’s your best advice of what to steer clear of when talking about sex with your spouse?
Author
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Sheila's Best Posts
Books
Courses
Freebie
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
Like this post so far? You should also check out:
How to Talk So Your Husband Will Hear
My Husband Doesn’t Understand Me
