Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 79
July 15, 2019
Getting Used to Sex in Marriage: 4 Sex Questions from Newlyweds
I’ve got some questions from newlyweds today!
On Mondays I like to take reader questions and take a stab at answering them, but I have so many in backlog that in July I’m going to try to work several questions into my Monday posts. We already did a lightning round of sex questions and marriage questions in general, and today I thought I’d focus on questions that for engaged couples or newlywed couples. So here goes:
1. How do we talk about sex before we’re married?
Reader Question
I am an engaged woman, I believe I have a healthy attraction to my fiancé and we have been friends for over three years so our dating life was a whirlwind formality of 2 months. Unfortunately, several people seem to think we’re getting married simply because “we cannot control ourselves”. We also have grown up in very conservative circles in which sex is hardly ever discussed and if it is then it’s simply to tell us that it’s designed for marriage. Which I agree with but I don’t want to have no clue when I get there. This has led to me trying to learn things from Wikipedia, which I’ve always known isn’t ideal but I’ve felt stranded for options.
Last night while I was scrolling through Pinterest I came across a blog post about Christian women discussing sex more freely and how important it is, and that post led me here. I looked around and was so blessed by your matter of fact, but still clean and godly and healthy advice. Thank you so much for that. How would you advise couples who are close to marriage to discuss such important things (we already have established good communication) so we don’t go into marriage feeling awkward and/or clueless?
Great question! I do think that there are a LOT of things that should be discussed before marriage about sex, if nothing else because you have to agree about what you’re going to do–or not do–about contraception. It’s also very important that you both go into the honeymoon with the right understanding that the goal should be about arousal, and not just having sex. Too often we aim just for consummation, and then we never figure out how to make sex feel good!
In my Honeymoon Course, I have video teaching specifically for both of you on what to expect with sex and how to make the honeymoon great, and then I take you through some discussion questions and activities to help you get on the same page.
Some basic sex education is very important, and in both The Honeymoon Course and The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex I try to provide that. I would say that talking too graphically about what you want to do sexually once you’re married is not necessarily a wise idea, but you do need to know that: you’re each anticipating sex and you believe that it will be an important part of your marriage; you each understand that sex should be pleasurable for both of you; you each understand that there will need to be some give and take in the bedroom; you each understand how sex and reproduction works.
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Hopefully your premarital counseling will cover that, but if not, check out both The Honeymoon Course and The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex!
Here’s a very similar question:
Reader Question
Hi! I’m from Nigeria and I am getting married soon and I’d really appreciate if you could write about how brides can better prepare for a life of sexual intimacy, especially since we’re rarely taught the subject as singles in church and have close to no idea what Godly sexual experiences should be like.
Great question! It’s always great when engaged couples take the initiative to get the education and information they need before they’re married–I really do believe that can help couples avoid some common pitfalls that we can get into!
I’ve written a great deal on this topic, so here are some posts that may help you when it comes to preparing for sex in marriage:
Preparing for Great Sex in Marriage:
4 Things to Know about Sex BEFORE the Wedding Night!
10 Things to Know about Planning the Perfect Honeymoon
How Do I Find Safe Information on Sex?
A Dictionary of Sex Terms Adults Should Know
2. Why Am I So Shy of Seeing Him Naked?
A woman writes perplexed that she’s kinda scared of his penis:
Reader Question
I’ve studied some midwifery and taken FEMM (Fertility Education and Medical Management) and have always been intrigued with anatomy. So it’s not like I shy away from seeing etc such things! And I am physically attracted to my man. Haha! I just don’t feel myself yearning to touch him in certain ways along with being more “scared” of seeing him naked than being naked for him!
You know, the penis is just a weird concept for a lot of women. Everything’s just kind of hanging out there, and it’s just very present–you feel it against you, and it really is quite opposite to what we’re used to as women.
If you’re really attracted to your man and you want to be with him, but the thought of him naked is just really intimidating, take it slow. Maybe don’t start with giving his penis too much attention–you can get used to being naked together before you start having sex. Cuddle naked in bed, get used to changing in front of each other, maybe have some showers or baths together to just get used to each other’s naked bodies. You may find that when you’re used to it and it becomes more commonplace in your life a lot of that intimidation goes away.
Also, you may very well find the idea of a penis really really weird until you are aroused. Context can play a huge role in this–even many women who have been married for years would jump if they were in the middle of putting away groceries and he suddenly whipped it out, even women who are really comfortable around their naked husbands.
So just get used to being naked together and touching each other’s naked bodies, pay attention to your arousal cues and don’t do anything until you’re comfortable with it, and remember that context matters and what you find weird and intimidating right now you may feel differently about when your body is more aroused.
3. Some Positions Are More Pleasurable. Is this Normal?
A newlywed getting used to sex asks:
Reader Question
I’ve been married six months and we love it! (All of it.) I have noticed a few times when we have sex it feels like he enters me differently and is therefore in a different position. Sometimes I feel more pressure towards the back; other times (when I have more pleasure and usually he does too) it feels like his penis is more frontal and the pressure is in the general clitoral area. Is this normal or why is this? And is there a way to make sure we get the more frontal one?
Definitely that’s normal! During intercourse, lots of things can affect where we feel the most pressure:
Whether we tilt our hips or not (often tilting forward feels better)
The position that you’re in (who is on top; who is moving; whether you’re side by side; the direction of entry)
In any given position, whether you each are changing position, ie. lying vs. sitting vs. standing vs. kneeling
Last week we ran a post on different positions and variations of positions, and that can help! And in both our Sexy Dares and 31 days to Great Sex we have different challenges where you can explore different positions. Plus, we created a more educational post about different ways you can experiment and try new positions in the moment without pulling up a diagram.
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The reason it feels better when the pressure is more in front is because you’re hitting your “G-spot” region, the region at the anterior (front wall) of the vagina with “clitoral roots”, which can feel very intense when stimulated.
If you want to make it more likely that you’ll feel pressure in the front, you can try these things:
Tilt your hips forward. Get comfortable in whatever position you’re using, and then, once you are, try tilting your hips forward so that the angle is better.
If you’re using the “missionary” position, or man-on-top position, try putting your legs between his legs, rather than on the outside of his legs. That can increase stimulation.
Try being on top, and moving around until the angle feels right.
In the “missionary” position, have him kneel rather than lie down, and have him lean a little backwards when he enters you.
In general, just get in a position and wriggle or move until it feels even better! And if you want some games to help you do this, do check out our Sexy Dares!
4. I feel like I have to pee when I approach orgasm. Help!
A reader writes:
Reader Question
Recently I have started feeling like I am going to pee when I approach orgasm. I have tried “clenching” during orgasm to try and prevent it but then it isn’t as enjoyable. Finally I have tried just “letting it go” and sure enough, it comes out. I can’t tell if it actually is urine or not. I have even made sure to go to the bathroom right before having sex. My husband says it is fine and he just wants me to enjoy sex, no matter what. I know he is being honest, but it’s embarrassing and then creates more of a mess to clean up! Any ideas on what’s happening? I feel ashamed and it drives me away from wanting to have sex, which is already a struggle my husband and I are working through.
Okay, this is actually a fun question, because I’ve got an answer that will hopefully be a big relief to you!
YOU’RE NOT PEEING.
That’s called “female ejaculation”, and it’s actually quite common. When some women reach orgasm, or when they hit a certain level of sexual arousal, and especially when that arousal is due to stimulation of the G-spot region, it’s quite normal for women to release fluid in a sudden burst. That’s largely because when you have an orgasm that comes from the G-spot, it’s often because of pressure on the urethral sponge, which makes it feel like you’re urinating. There’s some controversy over what female ejaculate actually includes, but it seems to be colorless and odorless, and has elevated levels of the PSA hormone and fructose, which are not normally found in urine in the same quantities.
It can feel very much like you’re peeing, but it isn’t really the same thing, and it is quite common! So go with it and enjoy it, and use a towel if necessary. 
July 12, 2019
Am I Too Picky When It Comes to Finding a Husband?
I have a lot of single readers on the blog (and I’m so glad you’re here!), and recently a woman wrote in wondering if she was being too picky.
Her letter is long, but it’s an important one. She writes:
I’m nearly 26 and have never dated anyone. Sure I’ve had a lot of great male friends, and men who have been interested in me, but nothing ever amounted to much (I really want the man to take the initiative otherwise I know, because of my personality I’ll just end up leading the whole thing, and I just really don’t want that to happen). I would love to get married one day, but I by no means feel desperate or like I need to be in a relationship to be “complete”.
I am content with where God has me and following His lead into the ministry work that I am invested in, even if that means I’m single for longer than I would like. Recently I decided to write up a list of my standards and hopes for what I’m looking for in a spouse (so that my ideas were not just up in my head somewhere). Going through this list, these are the same things I hold myself to as well (at least the female version of it). It is divided into two sections… the things that I really want in a husband, and the things that would be a great bonus. Are my standards and hopes too high? Is it ridiculous to make up a list like this?
• A man who loves Jesus more than anything else
• A man who inspires me in my walk with God and other people
• A man who I can see myself growing old and dying with
• A man who is honorable in both word and deed
• A man who is a strong leader and able to lead his family well
• A man who is humble and teachable – able to submit to the leaders over him
• A man who takes the whole Bible seriously and seeks to walk like Jesus
• A man with a similar theological & political perspective to me
• A man who is selfless and desires to die to his “old self”
• A man who would just be a really great Dad
• A man who would love, honor, respect and cherish me ‘till death does us part
• A man with gifts & abilities that compliment mine – we bring out the best in each other
• A man who loves and gets along well with his family and my family
• A man with initiative & motivation who is a hard worker with a servant’s heart
• A man I can always learn and grow with
• A man who is faithful who I can trust
• A man who I can laugh and cry with
The Bonus Point Section
o A man who is “manly” and I’m attracted to
o A man who enjoys doing mission work
o A man who enjoys being outside: exploring, camping, hiking, road tripping, traveling etc
o A man who has a love for Israel
o A man who enjoys fixing, building and making things
o A man who enjoys living a country lifestyle
o A man who can keep things generally clean and in order
o A man who wants at least four kids/however many God gives us
o A man who has a great sense of humor
Great question! And my big thing is this: You want to marry a man who has good character and who has given Jesus lordship of his life.
That is really the most important thing, and the vast majority of things on her list are character issues. I think she’s done a really good job with this list! I don’t think we should ever compromise on character. When someone is of good character, they’re more likely to work hard at a job. They’ll take responsibility for kids. They’ll put family first and want to be involved in all aspects of the family life. When there’s a conflict, they’ll go to God first and in humility, try to solve it. Without character, you run a lot of risks of marrying someone who becomes stubborn about persistent sins, like using pornography, refusing to work, or ignoring the family.
However, I do see three threads in her criteria for a good husband that do concern me: two are minor, and one is rather major.
On the whole, her list is seriously good. But I do want to give a bit of feedback, so I’ll be nit-picking a little bit here.
Minor Issue: Don’t penalize potential husbands for their family of origin
In her first grouping of criteria for a husband I’d definitely exclude: “someone who gets along with his family and mine.” Whether or not someone gets along with their family of origin doesn’t necessarily correlate to good character. I didn’t get along with half of my family because my father left my mother due to an affair. This did not make me a bad marriage choice.
To blame a child for dysfunctional parents is not fair. Now, if that person has not dealt with their baggage, that’s a red flag. But if a person recognizes the dysfunction, handles it in the best way they can, but does not have an intimate relationship with their family because of the need for boundaries, that should not be a red flag for marriage. In fact, if he comes from a dysfunctional family, not being close with his family may actually show a level of emotional maturity that is desirable in a husband. Let’s not label children of divorce or dysfunctional families with a scarlet A on their chest!
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Minor Issue: Don’t elevate personal preferences of what you want in a husband without recognizing how you will change each other
Then there are other preferences that she states in the bonus section: he wants someone who enjoys country living, who likes being outside, who fits her definition of “manly”, who wants to have at least four children. These are all preferences; they’re not character issues. And sometimes you don’t recognize how much you may change each other once you marry.
I once had on my list “someone who is very musical”, because I’m musical. Keith’s not musical really (although he was in band in high school!). My two daughters, however, really are. My great-grandfather married a woman who was six inches taller than he was–he was 5’6″, and she was 5’11”. But they loved each other!
When I got married, I assumed that I would work and put the kids in day care part-time. As soon as I had Rebecca my plans all changed. I couldn’t imagine not being home with her. What we want in our lives changes when we get together with the person we love, because we change each other. And what we want from a family often changes, too. It’s very important to agree on having children, and it’s important to agree on whether having a stay-at-home parent is important to you (although, as I said, in my case my opinion changed). But other than that, you don’t know how marriage will change you!
Major Issue: Don’t forget what it means to be an ezer kenegdo for your husband
Okay, this one is going to take a little bit of a theology romp, but bear with me for a moment. In Genesis 2, God sees that Adam is alone, and God is not pleased. So He created Eve. I’m going to let Marg Mowczko explain the significance of this ezer kenegdo creation:
From EZER KENEGDO DOES NOT MEAN “A HELPER SUBORDINATE TO HIM” by Marg Mowczko:
Genesis 2 tells us that Adam, who was all alone, needed help, and that a woman, Eve, was created to provide this help. The Hebrew word for “help” used here is ezer, and it is mostly used in the Hebrew Bible for God’s help. (More on ezer and how it’s used in the Hebrew Bible, here.)
Importantly, ezer is qualified by the word kenegdo. Kenegdo tells us that Eve was a person who was similar to Adam, who corresponded to him, who was his equal counterpart. (More on kenegdo here.) Eve was not an afterthought or an extra in God’s scheme. She was not a mere auxiliary or assistant for Adam. The narrative of Genesis 2:18ff, which states that it was “not good” for Adam to be alone, is designed to highlight and emphasise the vital necessity of Eve, while the highlights her unique compatibility and equality with Adam (Gen. 2:20)…
There is no sense of subordination in the Hebrew Bible’s description of Eve as an ezer kenegdo. And there is no sense of subordination in Adam’s words about Eve in Genesis 2:23. Rather, he uses words that express affinity and similarity: “This one now is bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called woman, because she was taken out of man.”
The point? God created wives as helpers uniquely suited to aiding their husbands in a way that their husbands are lacking. And helper is not a subordinate word; parents HELP their children; God HELPS us. Help means that we make up for something that our husband needs. Now, why is this important in this woman’s case as she searches for a husband? I read in some of her criteria that she expects that her husband will always be ahead of her, always stronger than her. She wants:
• A man who is a strong leader and able to lead his family well
Many of us have a picture of the family where the man is the strong one, and the man is the one who is always leading. I can tell you from personal experience that in a good marriage, this flips. Sometimes Keith is the strong one; sometimes I am the strong one. The point is that we are two, together: When one is weak, the other is able to pull the other up. We need that.
You do not need a husband who is closer to God than you are or who knows more of the Scriptures than you do.
If you are looking for someone who is always able to lead you in the faith, you may be looking for something that is well nigh impossible to find, and not even biblically necessary.
My daughters were both involved in competitive Bible quizzing as teens. It sounds incredibly nerdy (and it was!), but it was also really fun. They would literally memorize a book or two of the New Testament every year (word for word), and then quiz on it in teams. My girls were so good that they represented the Eastern Canadian District at internationals. Rebecca started quizzing when she was older, so she didn’t memorize as much as Katie did, but by the time they finished high school they both had memorized huge chunks of the New Testament. In fact, Katie knew, by heart:
1 & 2 Corinthians;
Romans;
James;
1 & 2 Peter;
Hebrews;
Matthew;
Luke;
John and
Acts.
If my girls had said as their criteria for husbands that they had to marry someone who knew the Scriptures better, who would they have married?
Ironically: Joanna, who also works for me, quizzed for Western Pennsylvania at Internationals. There she met Josiah, who quizzed for Canada Midwest. They ended up marrying, and they each were on winning teams at Internationals. So they’re probably the one ones who could possibly say they married someone who knew as much Scripture!
Rebecca married a man who had only been a Christian for two years. His walk was very different than hers. Yet he had a real relationship with Jesus, and a fresh perspective on faith that helped her own to grow. Katie married a man who had done some wandering as a Christian, but had come back to Jesus, in a different way than most of her peers. But David, too, gave Katie a different perspective on Jesus. The point is not whether they are further ahead on the spiritual walk than you, but simply whether or not their walk is genuine.
You do not need a husband who is more motivated than you are or more of a go-getter than you are.
She says that she is a natural leader, but she is looking for someone who can lead her. Now, God may have given you a real go-getting personality for a reason. Perhaps you are highly motivated, and highly ambitious. That’s totally okay! But if you’re a Type A personality, trying to find someone who is even more of a Type-A personality so that you can marry someone “stronger” than you, you may fail. Not just that, but it may be a disastrous relationship. I’m going to let Rebecca chime in here, because this is a large part of her story:
I am Type-A to the bone. I want to be the best in everything, I’m intensely competitive, and I’m always thinking of the next thing that needs to get done before I’m finished with what I’m working on now.
I’m organized, my inbox never has more than 25 emails in it or I start having panic attacks, and I always pictured myself marrying someone who was career-oriented, as competitive as I am, and who was even more focused on achievement than me. Every guy I had ever liked I had been attracted to because of their achievements–brilliant musician, intense academic focus, haughty career goals. That’s what I found attractive and that’s what I knew I wanted in a husband.
Then I met Connor.
Connor is as Type-B as I am Type-A. He is relaxed, laid-back, and don’t get me wrong–he’s a really hard worker, is incredibly intelligent, and loves mastering new tasks, but those things aren’t what drive him. What drives Connor is, simply put, enjoying life. He works hard because it makes him proud of himself. He studies because he enjoys learning, not so he can beat everyone else.
And he is exactly what I needed.
I’ve said to him multiple times that if I had married someone who was as achievement-oriented and competitive as I am, I don’t think I would be as happy. Connor has taught me something that I had never been able to grasp in 20 years before I met him: my value is not in my accomplishments but in who I am as a person. He’s taught me how to sit still and just enjoy life and let go of the anxiety that someone else may be doing something better than I am. Sometimes we spend so long looking for someone who can match us that we forget to look for the person who can compliment us. I’m forever grateful that I married my compliment, not my carbon copy.
What would I add to her list of criteria for finding a good Christian husband?
She said that she wanted:
• A man who is humble and teachable – able to submit to the leaders over him (my emphasis)
I would add:
A man who is humble and able to be taught by me when the need arises
A man who is able to ask me for help, just as I am able to ask him for help
A man who recognizes my gifts and strengths, and is thankful for them, and relies on them just as I rely on his
Especially if you are a strong-willed woman, who is very close to God, highly ambitious, and a natural leader, don’t limit your chances of getting married because you’re looking for someone who is even MORE LIKE YOU. Instead, find someone who truly does complement you, and who is ready and able to do life together with you, balancing you.
What do you think? Anything else she should add in her criteria for finding a husband? Anything else she should take out? Let’s talk in the comments!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
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July 11, 2019
PODCAST: Pregnancy Etiquette and How Systems Can Reduce Stress in Marriage
It’s time for a new episode of the To Love, Honor and Vacuum podcast!
I hope you all will listen, but if you don’t have time, I’ll have some links and rabbit trails below so you can read all you want as well!
And consider this podcast “extras”. If you want to go deeper into what I talked about in the podcast, here are some more things to help you.
This week was a bit different–since Sheila’s still away on vacation, I (Rebecca) hosted this week’s podcast with my husband Connor and friend Joanna, who also works on the website. I hope you enjoy it!
Without further ado, here’s the podcast:
Main Segment: Creating Systems in Your Marriage
Back when we first launched the podcast, Connor and I talked with my mom about the huge shift that happened in our marriage when Connor started really taking ownership of the housework. That was more theoretical–so today we did a quick update as to how we’re getting systems in place to help us get ready for the little one arriving in October so we can keep our stress levels down.
Since putting systems in place for housework, bills, the dog’s routine, and just general life we’ve found that the tension level in our marriage has dropped even further. We’ve loving figuring out new ways to “hack” our life so that we have more time to just enjoy each other. I hope this can help give you some ideas on how to make your marriage more stress-free!
Here are some other great posts on practical housekeeping/de-stressing tips:
10 Weird Tips to Help Messy Moms Get More Organized
Why Downsizing Can Be Worth It
Millennial Marriage: Pregnancy Etiquette
In today’s millennial marriage segment, I talk with Joanna about how people can sometimes say unintentionally insensitive things or ask invasive questions about pregnancy. Even though it all comes from a place of excitement, these things can actually be quite uncomfortable or hurtful when you don’t know the whole story.
Joanna opens up about some struggles she’s had over the last few years with pregnancy and we talk about 3 questions you really shouldn’t ever ask people you think might be trying or wanting to have a kid, and what you can do instead to help support the young women around you!
Here are some related posts you can check out, both written by Joanna (both of them are excellent reads and so helpful):
When it’s Hard to Rejoice with Those Who Rejoice
Walking Through a Period of Waiting as a Couple–Without it Tearing You Apart
That’s it for the podcast this week!
I hope you enjoyed it, let us know what you thought in the comments below–would you add any more questions to steer clear of when it comes to pregnancy or infertility? What are some systems you’ve put in place in your marriage that have helped keep stress levels down? I’d love to hear what you have to say!
July 10, 2019
How to Have Great Sex When You Don’t Have Air Conditioning
How do you have great sex when it’s hot outside and you have no air conditioning?
We talk a lot about making sex great here on the blog, and this month we want to focus on giving you some helpful and practical tips to help you make sex even better in your marriage!
Last week we talked about how to actually go about trying new positions and switching things up, but what about when it’s just to hot to even want to have sex? Sex in the summer can be sticky, sweaty, and just plain uncomfortable if you’re in a home without air conditioning in the middle of a heat wave.
But that doesn’t mean you should give up on great sex in the summer–here are 10 practical ways to help you beat the heat between the sheets!
Summer Sex Tip 1: Start in the shower
If you enjoy shower sex as a couple, then by all means just put a nice cool shower and enjoy feeling cool while you make love!
But even if you don’t like full-on shower sex, try starting out in a cool shower. This will give you a chance to hug, kiss, and engage in foreplay all while staying cool so that the amount of time spent having sex in a hot bedroom is nice and short, but your entire experience can be long enough to be enjoyable for both!
Summer Sex Tip 2: Use a number of fans
Ideally, you want to create a cross-breeze so that one spouse doesn’t accidentally block the cool air and the other is left in sweltering heat.
Pointing two different fans at the bed can keep sex from becoming too sticky and keep you far more comfortable!
(As a bonus, this acts as a great white noise machine, too, that keeps any sounds you make from reaching kids’ or teenagers’ ears!)
Want some fun ways to spice things up this summer?
Try these 24 dares–plus one bonus–to take your marriage to the next level!
Let's add some heat!
Summer Sex Tip 3: Keep your hair tied up
If either or both of you has long hair, keep it tied up during sex to stay comfortable in the heat. It can be difficult to stay in the zone when you feel really gross because your hair is sticking to your neck. So grab a hair tie and keep it out of the way.
Summer Sex Tip 4: Try positions where you’re not embracing
Last week we talked about practical ways to try new positions in the moment during sex, so why not give some of those tips a try to find some variations on your favourite positions so you don’t have to be fully on top of each other as much?
If you’re used to having sex chest-to-chest, you could try a more heat-friendly sex position by having him sit up while she is on her back so that you are at a right-angle to each other. Or you could try having sex with him behind her, so that both people can be elevated off the bed–him on his knees and her on her hands and knees.
There are tons of different positions that can work for you–if like finishing off sex with a closer position where you can embrace go ahead and do that! But if you’re finding that it’s just too hot to use that position the whole time, why not switch it up until the end?
Summer Sex Tip 5: Have sex in the early morning or late at night
Let’s be honest, summer is just hot. But there are times of day where the heat is less intense, or the humidity may not have set in yet.
If sex has been difficult because of the heat, try waking up a bit earlier in the morning so you can enjoy some morning sex before the day gets too hot. Or why not keep your evenings free from plans so you can have the time to enjoy each other after the sun has gone down?
Figure out what time of day works best for you to have sex and then schedule it in and make it a priority!
Summer Sex Tip 6: Use breathable fabrics in linens and blankets
Linens and blankets may be the last thing you’re thinking of when it comes to sex in the summer heat. But what you’re lying on impacts how hot you’ll feel! If you’re using synthetic blends for your sheets or blankets, consider swapping them out for bamboo or cotton replacements. These will do a better job of regulating temperature and wicking sweat off of you and your spouse so that you feel less sweaty and sticky.
As a result, you’ll feel cooler than if you’re on a mound of polyester blends! This doesn’t need to be expensive, either–many thrift stores are filled with cotton sheets and blankets for hardly any money. So look for some thin sheets and blankets with breathable fabrics to help keep the bed cool.
Learn Great Sex Tips!
10 Ways to Make Sex Feel Amazing for Him
Summer Sex Tip 7: Reconsider being naked
This may seem counter-intuitive–if the problem is that you are too hot, why would you want to keep clothes ON?!
But here’s the thing: the problem with the heat during summer is that you sweat. And when you sweat a lot, you tend to feel sticky and you tend to stick more to the other person. And that sticking makes you sweat more. And then you just feel gross and like you don’t want to have sex anymore.
If the sticking-to-each-other feeling bothers you, consider keeping on a lightweight cotton shirt or piece of looser lingerie in a breathable fabric that can act as a sweat-wicking buffer. Alternatively, get completely naked but keep a sheet between your bellies and chests so that you can be close but not feel sticky.
Summer Sex Tip 8: Use your hands
Sex doesn’t just need to mean penis-in-vagina-sex. Having time to be sexual together can include other methods, which can be much more enjoyable when it’s blazing hot outside. Getting naked together and using your hands to bring each other to orgasm can be incredibly intimate and also much more comfortable if the heat is just too much for both of you.
Don’t be afraid to try new things during the summer months. Fool around while you’re in a cool bath together, touch each other in bed, figure out what makes the other person feel good. Besides, then when you do have intercourse later, you’ll know even more what makes your spouse “tick”!
Summer Sex Tip 9: Find the coolest spot in the house
Does your home or apartment have one room that is typically cooler than the others? Do you have a guest room in the basement that is usually left untouched? Or maybe the office in the back of the apartment that doesn’t have as many windows tends to stay cooler, even in the middle of August. Why not use those rooms for sex during the summer heat?
Bring some blankets and pillows if necessary, and utilize the cooler areas of your home!
Summer Sex Tip 10: Use it as an excuse for a romantic getaway
If at the end of the day you just really really struggle to enjoy sex during the summer, why not book yourself a weekend getaway just the two of you? If it’s in the budget, find a cute bed & breakfast with air conditioning and plan an amazing second honeymoon for halfway through the summer. It’ll give you a great “reset” after a few weeks of dealing with the summer heat, and you’ll be reinvigorated to try to make it work for the rest of the summer!
What are some of your best tips for having great sex even if you don’t have air conditioning? Share them in the comments below!
Read the rest of our Practical Sex Series:
How to Try New Positions–Without Needing an Instructions Manual!
How to Have Great Sex Without Air Conditioning (This one!)
How to Get More Adventurous In Bed (July 17)
Your Guide to Choosing Lingerie (July 24)
How to Sync Your Libidos (July 31)
July 9, 2019
A Glimpse of Jesus While Overwhelmed with History
We spent a few days in London, and then we’ve been in Oxford for two days now. I won’t share all my photos; there are too many. But here are just a few snapshots of what we’ve been seeing and doing!
Just a few iconic things around London–the obligatory selfie on Tower Bridge:
On Tower Bridge
Keith and me on the Millennium Bridge, where Harry Potter was filmed:
In Harry Potter land!
And Katie, David and I outside Westminster Abbey.
Westminster Abbey in the background
On Saturday, Keith and I left the kids to explore the British Museum (we’ve done that on previous trips) while Keith and I took double decker buses all over London to track down the addresses I’d found on old census data of where my ancestors lived. We found this area in Camden Town, which would have been quite working class back in the 1800s. And I found the home where my great-grandfather lived before he came to Canada, and where my great-great-grandparents lived at the end of their lives! That was neat.
My great-great-grandparents’ home
Here they were, around 1910, when it looks like they were just putting in the molding around the door (it appears it was under construction in the background):
In Oxford, we’ve been exploring C.S. Lewis and J.R.R. Tolkien history. Here we are, with our friend Paul, who lives here and who has been showing us around, outside the Eagle and Child pub, where Lewis and Tolkien and a number of other writers, named “The Inklings”, met every Tuesday for drinks and a chat.
The Eagle and Child Pub
And here’s a door with a special place in my heart! The story goes that one wintry, snowy night, C.S. Lewis exited from the side door of University Church and saw in front of him this wooden door, with a lion carved into it and creatures above it.
He then turned to the right, and he saw this lamppost, lit up, with snow all over it.
The most famous lamppost in the world!
And it became the most famous lamppost in the world, because when he combined these two elements, he started thinking about the start of a story, concerning a little girl named Lucy who was billeted him with him during the Blitz, when children had been evacuated from London, wandering through a wardrobe, into the snow, and finding a lamppost, and meeting a faun….and the rest I hope you know (and if you don’t, you should. It’s magical!)
And now just a small story.
Sometimes you see Jesus in the smallest ways.
We were on the Tube (the subway) and it was super busy. A number of raucous teenagers were further down the car, drinking beer and laughing and yelling. After a few stops Keith and I were able to sit down. An older woman, likely near 70, walked on the subway, appearing very weighed down and tired.
I was thinking Keith or I should get up and let her sit down, when suddenly a man sitting across from us, maybe 30, picked up his backpack, stood up, and smiled at her, saying, “would you like a seat?”
The fatigue on the woman’s face melted away in a big smile, and she sat down. The two of them then started sharing secret smiles whenever the teenagers down the car got particularly ridiculous, laughing together at it. And two stops later he got off the train. They were two people on a subway, one of whom was tired and older, and one who was young, and they made a brief connection of kindness.
It was just a momentary thing, but my big thought in seeing all that was, “That made Jesus happy.” Just a small thing, but I think Jesus was happy when that man sat down.
Now, here’s where more of my thoughts went.
I think so often we over-Christianize some things.
Too often I’m afraid I approach my interactions with people with mixed motives. I think, “I need to give this woman a seat because I need to treat her as I would treat Jesus,” or else “I need to do this for Jesus.” And it becomes a duty.
But when I make it about Jesus, I miss the point. Jesus doesn’t want us loving people because in loving people we love Him; He wants us just plain loving people. What’s the difference? Bear with me for a moment, but this is important.
When we try to treat others well because in so doing we make Jesus happy and we serve Jesus, then too often we don’t see the people. We see instead the work that we are doing. We think, “See, Jesus, look what I am doing for you!”
I don’t think Jesus wants that. I think Jesus just wants us seeing people.
In fact, we often assume that the good that people who don’t know Jesus do doesn’t count because it isn’t done for God. But Jesus wants people being kind towards each other, and treating others as we would want to be treated, and when we do that, whether or not we know Him, we do make Him happy.
I don’t know if that man was a Christian or not. But whether or not he was, in that brief moment he made God happy, because he looked up and he saw that woman and he cared.
When we look at other people, we need to see them as Jesus would, yes. But that doesn’t mean that we approach every thing we do as if it’s a duty for Jesus, because that can make us proud and work-based. It means we need to actually see the people. I don’t know if that makes sense, but I hope that we can just see and love people, because THAT’S what Jesus did. He noticed people, He didn’t just say, “See, Father, I know this person matters to you, so I will do this for you.” No, he just lived in the moment loving people. And that, I think is the point of it. When we do everything for the glory of God, it isn’t that we consider everything a work that we do for God; it’s that, as we love others, we bring glory to God. Does that make sense?
And, as the Holy Spirit is in us, He helps us just notice people as Jesus would. That’s what matters!
Whatever you’re doing today, then, look at the people around you, and appreciate them, just for who they are. Celebrate what is good in them, even if they don’t know Christ the way you may. It’s okay to see goodness, wherever it may be. And let’s spread love by truly seeing and appreciating people, because that is what Jesus did.
Does that make sense? And have you seen anything super cool this summer, either in a big moment or a tiny moment? Let’s talk in the comments!
Author
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
July 8, 2019
How Do I Prevent an Emotional Affair?
Emotional affairs. They’re heart-wrenching for everyone.
Every Monday I like to put up a Reader Question, take a stab at it, and then invite you all to chime in in the comments. Today I’m going to tackle what to do if you feel drawn into an emotional affair, and we’ve got a really tough reader question that shows just how important this topic is.
She writes:
Reader Question
I am happily married to my husband. I don’t want to leave him, I’m very attracted to him. We’ve been married for [redacted] years and he has become more caring and loving than he was in the beginning. I know that he is who God wants me to be with.
The problem is, there is this man from church who I’ve developed an attraction to. I didn’t mean to, and I’ve tried to reason the feelings away. This man has never made a ‘move’ on me, or anything. My husband thinks he talks to me a little too much, so he likes me to only talk to him when he’s around and I comply. I find myself looking forward to seeing him, dressing up “for church”… It really makes me dislike myself. I’ve prayed about it a lot.
The other day I asked my husband what he would do if I died. He said that he didn’t know, that he’d miss me terribly, and that he’d get lots of help from family and the church. Then he asked me what I’d do, immediately my mind went to the man at church and how I’d want to marry him. I don’t even really know the man that well. I only know his major interests. I didn’t tell my husband that, I just said that I didn’t want to think about him dying, and I don’t want him to die, it’s the truth.
Help. I hate having these feelings. I want them to go away. I keep praying about it, and limiting talking to the man. I try to only talk to the women at church now, because he is popular with the men at the church. How to I stay emotionally faithful to my husband? I hate the thought that I may be having an emotional affair.
Wow. Okay, I know she’s not alone, so I want to give some practical help today.
I want to say something right off the bat that people may be surprised to hear:
Just because you are attracted to someone else DOES NOT mean that there is something wrong with your marriage.
Did you hear that? Let that sink in. I think we sometimes believe that attraction can only happen if we are unhappy, or lacking something. But you are not DEAD. You are simply married. And sometimes we meet someone who pushes all the right buttons.
We’re then thrown through a tailspin of bewilderment. You thought you were immune to this, because you have a great marriage. You’re in love with your husband. How could this be happening to you?
So here are some thoughts, in no particular order:
1. Temptation is Not Sin
Jesus was tempted. Feeling attracted to someone is not a sin. And it really can happen to anyone–even someone with a good marriage.
2. Temptation Does Not Mean there is Something Wrong with Your Marriage
As soon as we’re tempted, and feel attracted to someone else, we often start to look at our marriage and figure there’s something horribly wrong. There’s some unmet need, and my subconscious is trying to point it out to me.
That could be true, but from the women I’ve spoken with I’d say that’s not necessarily true at all. Your marriage very well could be fine. It may not be, of course; but being tempted does not mean that something IS wrong with your marriage.
When we are attracted to someone else, the worst thing we can do is to then assume that we are unhappy with our marriage. That makes us start to doubt our marriage even more, or even look for things that are wrong with our marriage that explain why we’re feeling that attraction. “I must find my husband lacking if I’m attracted to this guy.” No, that’s not true. You just may very well fit with that other guy as well.
I am not one of those “there is only one person out there in the world meant for you” kind of person. I believe that God lets us choose our spouse, and that it is then up to us to become the best spouse we can be. Perhaps it’s because my grandfather was married three times to three wonderful but very different women (they all kept dying of cancer on him). Were those last two marriages substandard because the first was the love of his life? No, I don’t think so. He was happy in all three marriages, because he decided to love those women and be the best husband he could for each of them.
So the fact that you are attracted to someone else may simply be because there are many different people you could have potentially worked with.
Now, perhaps there is something wrong with your marriage. Hopefully this, then, will be the nudge to start addressing that problem by going to a counselor, talking to your husband about it, or doing something to change the dynamic. But it does not necessarily mean something is wrong, and assuming your marriage is on the skids is the worst thing you could do at a time like this.
3. You Are In a Battle
You are not to blame for being tempted. This does not mean there is something wrong with your marriage. However, what you do with those feelings is something for which you are held to account.
If you start dreaming about the guy, or dressing up for the guy, or thinking about what you will say the next time you see him, you have crossed over from the temptation to the actively participating in the fantasy. You’re having an emotional affair (an affair of the mind). And that’s dangerous–even if he’s not reciprocating.
What I’m getting from this letter writer is the question, “how can I make this go away??!?” And I understand the feeling. You just want this horrible reality that you’re attracted to this guy to go away. You want these thoughts to vanish.
But the problem is that we begin to think that our thoughts and attraction is something that just happens, and we have no control over it, these thoughts come, and you do nothing to banish them. Because you feel that there is nothing you can do against these thoughts.
You are not powerless, though, against thoughts or attractions.
2 Corinthians 10:5
We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.
This is an empowering message if you’re struggling with unwanted thoughts or attractions! We DO have control over our thoughts. We can choose whether to entertain them or not.
We take every thought captive. We choose what to think about. If a thought enters your head that you know is wrong, replace it with something else. Pray. Sing a worship song. Make that your prompt to text something nice to your husband. Seriously, every time you think about this other guy, go text your husband and tell him something new that you love about him. Whenever you think about this man, go and hug your children. Choose to replace the thought.
Why don’t we do this? Because the thoughts are actually fun. Infatuation is fun. Infatuation is heady, and more intoxicating than a drug. But it’s not real. What’s real is deciding to love someone, day in and day out. So recognize you’re in a battle and fight! If you engage in that fight for long enough, by praying and taking every thought captive, you’ll find that your thought patterns do start to change. But don’t expect it to be easy. You have to FIGHT!
4. Don’t Convince Yourself He’d Be an Awful Husband
I think often we feel, “oh, if I saw his flaws I wouldn’t be attracted to him anymore.” I think that’s a wrong way of looking at it. You see your husband’s flaws, and you’re still attracted to him, but that’s because you have decided to love him. If you decided to love this other guy, chances are you could overlook his flaws, too.
Stopping the infatuation with the other guy does not depend on seeing him as a horrible human being; it depends on seeing your husband in the right light, and taking your thoughts captive. Don’t think about how this guy probably snores and farts in his sleep; think about how much you love your husband, and how you will remain faithful. Fight the battle, ladies!
If you left your husband for him, you would open yourself up for a world of hurt. You’d hurt your families. You’d hurt your kids. You’d hurt your husband. And you’d hurt your relationship with God.
It isn’t about whether or not he’d be better with you than with your husband; it’s that you’ve already made a vow to your husband, and to break that would have serious awful consequences. So fight! Fight FOR your marriage way more than you fight AGAINST this guy. Make strengthening your marriage your priority; not seeing this guy as an awful guy.
If you want some practical ways to fight for your marriage, I have a free 5-day emotional connection e-course for married couples. If you’ve been struggling to connect emotionally with your husband, or you feel that there are barriers to emotional connection, I seriously recommend trying this course! (And again, it’s free!)
5. Set up Boundaries so the Attraction Does not Become a Full-Blown Emotional Affair (or worse)
Set up boundaries in your marriage. It sounds like she is already do this: she’s not talking by herself to him very much; she’s trying to keep her husband near when he’s around. She’s trying to make sure that they don’t develop a real relationship that could blossom into an emotional affair–or worse. Good decisions!
I’d encourage anyone who is tempted by an emotional affair to set up some serious boundaries and do not let yourself be put in a compromising situation. Don’t text him–even if you can think of a legitimate reason to do so. (We’re on a committee together, and I need to tell him about the next meeting. I can text him then, right?). No. Because chances are you’ll start trying to think of more “legitimate” reasons to text him. Don’t friend him on Facebook. Don’t be alone with him. If you are on a committee with him, consider leaving that committee. If you work with him, consider leaving that job. I know that not all of these actions may be possible, but what I have found is that when you put distance between the person that you think that you are emotionally attracted to, and put your energy into your husband, that attraction wanes.
6. Love Your Husband Wholeheartedly
Dedicate yourself even more to loving your husband. Make your sex life great. Flirt with him. Nurture your marriage every way you can. As you find yourself spending more and more time with your husband, you’ll likely find your attraction to the guy diminishing.
What do you think? Have you ever been in danger of an emotional affair? How did you extricate yourself? And what boundaries for marriage work best for you?
Author
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Sheila's Best Posts
Books
Courses
Freebie
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
Found this helpful? You should also check out:
How to Talk So Your Husband Will Hear
My Husband Doesn’t Understand Me
July 3, 2019
How to Try New Positions–Without Having to Read an Instruction Manual
What do you do when you want to spice things up, but you don’t know where to start?
This whole month we’re going to be talking every Wednesday about practical ways to spice up your sex life and make sex great! It’s going to be a lot of fun, and there’s a ton of great stuff coming up like how to have great sex even when it’s really hot and you don’t have AC, as well as ways to sync your libidos and choose the perfect piece of lingerie!
Today we want to hit off the series by tackling a big one we get questions about a lot: trying new sex positions!
And warning: This post is going to get a little graphic, but it’s only so I can help you. And I’m not going to go more graphic that is necessary. Trust me!
Now, trying new positions can can be tricky because if we’re looking at diagrams, often they use actual people and it gets X-rated. (A great way around that is the Ultimate Intimacy App, by the way, that is done really tastefully!)
But beyond that, trying new positions can feel awkward because it often breaks up sex in a non-organic way. You’re going all hot and heavy and then you have to stop, pull out the diagram, and then re-adjust and get into a new position. You wonder for the first little bit if you’re even doing it right, and it can be hard to really focus on how it’s feeling because you’re thinking,
“Is this what the instructions said? Are we doing this right? Is this OK for him? Maybe we should just go back to what we know.”
This awkwardness often happens because when we talk about trying new positions we’re often really focused on stopping what we’re doing and then literally changing everything about the position we’re in. But spicing up your sex life and trying something new doesn’t just need to be a pre-organized occasion where you’ve researched and come up with a plan for what positions you’re going to try (although those times can be great, too!). It can also be fun to just try new things while you’re in the moment!
Learn Great Sex Tips!
10 Ways to Make Sex Feel Amazing for Him
But where do you even start when it comes to trying new sex positions in the moment without diagrams or instructions?
Here’s the thing: there really are only so many ways to actually have sex. Most positions fall into one of 4 categories:
Face to face, man on top
Face to face, woman on top
Man facing her back, man on top
Man facing her back, woman on top
Everything else just requires moving within these positions to change the pressure, the angle, or the depth he is able to reach.
But here’s the thing: no matter what you do, there is one very important rule when it comes to trying new positions:
You never ever EVER put any of your weight on his ding-a-ling. The only thing the ding-a-ling should be holding up is itself.
It sounds silly, I know, but penis sprains that require surgery are a real thing and the best way to avoid these are just to make sure that you are never resting your weight on his penis. And this is actually quite easy to do by making sure that your feet, hips, knees or back are what are primarily holding your weight in whatever position you are in.
But what about standing positions?
Standing positions are one of those things that can encroach on the weight-on-his-penis territory and so need to be done very carefully. Safe standing positions fall under one of the four categories above, usually he is entering her while she is either bending over something like the side of the bed or is lying on her back on a steady surface. Anything where he is holding her weight entirely, either lifting her up or she is holding herself up on him by wrapping her legs around him, can turn bad really quick. If you slip off just a little bit, you could crack his penis.
OK, so there are our general ground rules. So now here are the practical ways to change it up during sex so you can experiment without having to pull out a diagram:
1. Move your legs
Raise one leg, wrap your legs around each other, cross one leg over, spread your legs wider or keep them closer together. This can be a really easy way to change where his thrusting is hitting her and how deep he is able to go.
Change where your legs are, too–are they in the air, on the bed, on his shoulders? You can try having one leg up and one leg down, and then switch legs to see which feels better. If she’s on top, you can try putting one leg forward and one leg back if you’re flexible. Also simply changing how far apart her legs are can change the sensation for woman-on-top positions.
2. Rotate
This one is about where your hips are facing. If you start having sex face to face with man on top, she can rotate her hips so that she’s now on her side. You can combine this with changing up what your legs are doing, too–put one leg on his shoulder, roll over, and you’re in a whole new position! (See how these small changes can make a big difference in an organic way during sex? It’s easy to do and you don’t need to pause and pull out your phone!)
3. Prop yourself up
If she started on her back, prop up her back so she’s more in a sitting position. Change his position so he’s more leaning back, holding onto her hands or arms for support. If she’s on top, change his position by sitting up more or less, as well.
Basically, this one is about changing the angle between you and the bed. If you start closer to 90 degrees (sitting up), try moving more towards 180 degrees (lying down flat), or vice versa. Figure out what combination between you and your spouse feels best!
Does your marriage need some spicing up–and some fun?
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4. Change what body part is holding your weight
If your weight is all on your back, try shifting so that your knees or your hands are holding up more of your weight. If you’re the one on top, try switching from your knees to your feet, or to your feet and hands. Depending on each of your strength and physical ability (be honest with yourself for this), you can try putting your weight more on your spouse’s shoulders if you prop your legs on his shoulders.
As well, you can help hold up your spouse’s weight by holding hands/grasping wrists during positions where one of you is leaning backwards. These kinds of differences can provide a new challenge to an old position and make the experience entirely different and new.
5. Move differently!
If you’re used to thrusting a certain way, why not try a different angle? Women, you can try grinding your hips while he is thrusting to see if you can find a combination that works great for both of you. You can also grab your spouse’s feet, legs, arms or hands and pull them while you thrust to change the depth you get with that position.
Also, if you’re usually a more passive partner during sex, take charge and try moving around more! Grab your spouse’s hips, legs, hands, or arms and use them to help you either guide the thrusting or do some thrusting yourself.
Trying new positions is fun–and the diagrams and instructions are definitely useful!
But I hope this was helpful for any of you who want some practical help with spicing things up in the moment without breaking up the rhythm of sex.
And, as I’ve said before, if you ever want diagrams that are safe (and kinda funny), the Sock Monkey Kama Sutra is awesome (it’s really less Kama Sutra-like and more just silly sock monkeys. But it’s funny!)
Read the rest of our Practical Sex Series:
How to Try New Positions–Without Needing an Instructions Manual! (this one!)
How to Have Great Sex Without Air Conditioning (July 10)
How to Get More Adventurous In Bed (July 17)
Your Guide to Choosing Lingerie (July 24)
How to Sync Your Libidos (July 31)
July 2, 2019
10 Signs Something’s Wrong with Sex–and You Should Seek Help
Sometimes sex goes wrong–and you really need to seek some professional help!
There are times in every married couple’s life where the sexual part of their relationship is a little rockier than usual. Often it’s circumstantial–maybe you just moved, or you’re dealing with a health crisis, or maybe life has just plain-old thrown you yet another curve ball.
While it’s important in those seasons to work hard to reconnect and grow together, that’s not a cause for medical concern.
Unfortunately, though, sometimes sex isn’t just hard to find time for, it’s actually not working the way it should and it’s time to call in the medical professionals. For some people, this can be really embarrassing, but doctors and nurses are trained to help people with very sensitive topics and they really are used to it!
One of my assistants, Joanna, sought care from a pelvic floor physiotherapist after she had her first child and had a lot of tearing that led to pain during sex, and she describes the experience this way,
Having a baby is absolutely amazing, but it’s also a really traumatic experience for your body, especially the pelvic floor, which is the muscles that control urination and which surround the vagina. My pelvic floor physiotherapist was a huge help to me – she was extremely professional and I always felt really comfortable talking with her, even about really sensitive topics. I also found that she was really good at chatting with me as we worked on relieving pelvic floor tension. And the exercises were great and they made a HUGE difference. Genuinely, it was incredibly helpful and I’d recommend seeking care to anyone who has pelvic floor pain, incontinence, or pain during sex.
Seeking help can save you so much pain, so much emotional turmoil, and so many marriage problems!
When is it time to go and get help for sexual problems? Here are my top 10 reasons:
1. If sex is painful
Painful sex due to vaginismus is a big part of my story. Many women experience a bit of discomfort during sex, but it’s relieved by switching to a different position or adjusting the depth of penetration. If, however, sex is painful consistently, or if you feel pain like a burning sensation in the vulva, you may be experiencing vaginismus (pain during sex caused by involuntary tightening of the muscles in the vagina), vulvodynia (a pain disorder which causes a burning sensation in the vulva), or dyspareunia (pain during sex, broadly).
There are a variety of treatments available, depending upon the cause of the pain you’re experiencing. If your pain is keeping you from enjoying sex, don’t settle for that! You and your marriage are worth doing the hard thing of getting help from your doctor.
Related Posts:
Overcoming Vaginismus: 9 Steps to Recovery
Can a Pelvic Floor Physiotherapist Help You?
2. If you’ve just given birth
Childbirth causes a lot of stress on your pelvic floor! Lots of women will also experience tearing, which causes scar tissue that needs to be relaxed and stretched. Pelvic floor physiotherapists recommend getting checked out early in the third trimester and after you’ve given birth to help prevent problems and also treat any that come up.
3. If you can’t orgasm
I’ve written lots about how to achieve orgasm on the blog and for many couples, sustained work and attention is enough to manage it. However, for some people, this doesn’t work. It can be caused by psychological factors, by medications, or by physiological changes, especially in menopause. If you have worked through the exercises in 31 Days to Great Sex, and you still have never been able to have an orgasm, it may be worth seeing a doctor (or, if you think the problem is due to trauma or same, a counselor).
Need more help? Try these!
When You’ve Never Had an Orgasm: How to Experience the Breakthrough
4. If he orgasms too quickly
Most men can orgasm in 3-4 minutes if they try, but most men can also draw this out much longer with some effort. If your husband ejaculates in just a few minutes, and with minimal stimulation, he could be suffering from premature ejaculation. If you have talked to him about your need for more foreplay or your need to receive pleasure, too, and he’s trying but is unable, then talk to a doctor. There are some treatments, and you can also learn the start-and-stop technique which can be beneficial for helping him last longer, too.
Related Posts:
Sex Should Last Longer than 2 Minutes! What to do about premature ejaculation
When your husband doesn’t understand how important foreplay is
When he’s always satisfied–but you’re always left hanging
5. If you never want sex
Many people wish their libido could be higher–especially women! That’s why I made my Boost Your Libido course for women! In the vast majority of cases, libido is something which you can boost through having a better mindset, better understanding your body, and eating better, all of which are covered in the course.
However, some people have libido issues that go beyond this. If you never have sexual dreams; if you have a difficult time getting aroused; and if you never spontaneously think about sex, you may be experiencing hypoactive sexual desire disorder. Your doctor can help you figure out the cause of your lack of desire and figure out what treatment will work best. A good friend of mine discovered that her lack of libido was caused by low progesterone and found that her doctor’s suggestion that she take medication to correct her hormonal imbalance made a world of difference. Many men on the blog have reported that taking testosterone shots changed their marriages!
Are you TIRED of always being too tired?
Do you yearn to actually WANT to make love–and figure out what all the fuss is about?
There is a way! And in this 10-module course I take you through what libido is (it may surprise you!), what affects libido, and how we can reclaim the excitement that God made us for.
Take me to it!
6. If he can’t start or sustain an erection
Erectile dysfunction is a common part of the aging process in men. However, increasingly younger men are also suffering from erectile dysfunction caused by porn use. On top of all of this, erectile dysfunction is often a sign of heart issues (which is why it’s common as men begin to age and hearts become weaker). If you are consistently having difficulty maintaining or getting an erection, and it isn’t linked to porn use, please see your doctor! This may be a symptom of something much more severe, and it never hurts to get it checked out. If it could be caused by porn use, then quit porn, get some counseling, and put it behind you once and for all.
Related Posts:
4 Things You Must Do if Your Husband Uses Porn
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain and Your Sex Life
Keeping Your Sex Life Alive with Erectile Dysfunction
7. If having sex makes you feel sick or very sad
For some people, orgasm causes a variety of symptoms, ranging from headaches to muscle pain to anxiety attacks to depression. There are a number of conditions that can make people feel ill after they’ve experienced orgasm, and if this is something you’re experiencing, it’s important that you speak to your doctor about it. I’ve also written before about the “post-sex blues“, especially among women, which can be caused by the same hormonal imbalance that often causes postpartum depression. Please see your physician about it. In some cases there are things they can do to help you.
God made sex to be AWESOME!
I struggled a LOT with that concept early in my marriage.
But you know what? You don’t need to settle for less-than-great sex!
Check out The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex!
8. If you are leaking urine or have the urge to “go” frequently but don’t have much urine to pass
Urinary incontinence is an extremely common problem, especially for women. It’s especially common in pregnancy and as a part of the aging process. If you’re leaking urine throughout the day, find that you have little “accidents” when you sneeze or jump, or have the urge to pee but don’t have anything to pass, ask your doctor about seeing a pelvic floor physiotherapist. It’s actually a very treatable condition and with modern treatment methods, you don’t need to keep dealing with the stress and worry that come with incontinence. If you’re a guy, it could also be related to prostate issues, and needs to be seen.
9. If you experience discomfort, itchiness, or blisters “down there”
For women, itchiness could indicate vaginal bacterial infections such as yeast infections or bacterial vaginosis. These are unpleasant and really uncomfortable but are easily treated if you deal with them quickly! As well, this may indicate a urinary tract infection if you’re experiencing burning sensations when you pee (men can get these, too, by the way!).
If you ever notice any sort of blisters, warts, or just general abnormalities in the genital region it is always wise to have a medical professional look at it. If your partner or you has had past partners and never got tested for STDs before you got married, this is especially urgent as it may be a symptom of an STD. Many sexually transmitted infections and diseases can remain in the system without showing symptoms for long periods of time, so it’s always a good idea to see a doctor just to rule it out and figure out what the cause of the discomfort is.
10. If you ever hear a “crack” during sex
I cannot emphasize this enough: if you hear a crack, call an ambulance as quickly as you can. Very rarely, if something goes wrong during sex with the angle a couple is using or if her weight is suddenly being supported by his penis, it can get really badly sprained and it may need surgery.
To prevent this, as a general rule, any sort of position where her weight is at all being held up by his penis is an absolute no-go. Just don’t do it. If he wants to be standing during sex, have her weight rest on a surface like a bed and he can enter her from there. But it’s just not worth the risk to do the positions where he’s holding her up–it can go bad real quick.
Related Posts:
My Husband’s Penis is Sloped the Wrong Way
So there you have it! Those are 10 times you may need to see a medical professional about sexual issues. Do you have any more that you would add to the list? Do you have any experience with treatments that have worked for your marriage? Let’s chat about it in the comments below!
Want some ways to spice things up a bit?
10 Ways to Make Sex Feel Amazing for Him
How to Find a Safe Place to Learn More About Sex
31 Days to Great Sex Challenge
Author
Social Media
Sheila's Best Posts
Books
Courses
Freebie
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
July 1, 2019
Reader Question: My Husband is a Racist
What do you do if your husband is a racist, and his beliefs cause rifts in your family?
I’ve got a bit of a heavy reader question today!
It’s Canada Day here, but I’m going to publish a post today and then take Thursday & Friday off for the July 4 weekend, since most of my readers are American. But Happy Canada Day to all of my Canadian friends!
And here’s our question. A woman writes in that her daughter is dating a person of color, and the step-father is reacting badly:
Reader Question
I got married a year ago to a wonderful man, moved both of my children and myself into his home. Everything has been great but my daughter recently started dating a black boy and we are white. Now my husband, her step father will not talk to her, says he has zero respect for her and will not allow the boyfriend over. She is 18, and I’m afraid will move. My husband has no give and states that if she marries him or has mixed children they will also not be allowed in the house. What do I do as a mother?
Wow. Just wow.
Okay, let me try to deconstruct this for a minute.
Watch that we don’t perpetuate racism without realizing it
I understand that this woman does care about her daughter and doesn’t see anything wrong with her daughter’s relationship, which is great.
However, there are two things that concern me with this question. The first is that she refers to her daughter’s boyfriend as a “black boy”. Historically, adult black men were called “boy” to subjugate them. It is offensive and wrong to refer to an adult as “boy”, especially in this context. Even if it may be culturally normal to call young adult black males “boys”, it’s best to stop. The term is laden with all kinds of baggage, and calling an adult “boy” is not appropriate.
The second is that she calls her husband a wonderful man, when he is a racist who is refusing contact with his step-daughter and saying that he will not let any mixed race children in his house. By definition, then, he is not a wonderful man. You could say something like, “He always treats me well,” or “we have fun together” or “he has always acted lovingly towards me”, which may all be true. But by definition, a racist like this is not a wonderful man. To say that he is is really saying that a person can be wonderful AND be a racist at the same time, and they can’t. If you’re a racist, you’re no longer wonderful. You also do not have the Spirit of Jesus in you, because, as Paul famously said in this cornerstone verse:
There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.
Galatians 3:28
NIV
We must stop making allowances for racists. We must all make it absolutely clear that such beliefs are contrary to the gospel; contrary to peace; contrary to God; contrary to right thinking anywhere. They are not acceptable. They disqualify you from normal society. They are simply and utterly wrong.
You Are a Unit: You Don’t Have to Let Him Call the Shots
The second point is another red flag I saw in her letter. She states:
I got married a year ago to a wonderful man, moved both of my children and myself into his home. (emphasis mine)
She’s talking like this is still “his” home. It may have been his house when they married, but once they are married, it is “their” house. He should not have the right to unilaterally decide anything like this, especially since it’s about HER daughter, just because it’s “his” house. If anything, the proper response would be:
“This is my home, and my daughter’s home, and she is welcome to bring her boyfriend here. If you are uncomfortable with that, you can leave while they are here. But I will not banish my own daughter from her home.”
Will he agree? Perhaps not (in fact, likely not; if he is this racist, he’s likely sexist too). But it’s important that whether or not HE understands that this is your house, YOU understand it. When you feel that “this is his house, and we are only using it by his benevolence”, that will affect how you act towards him. When you feel instead that “this is OUR house, and we are a family,” you’re more likely to stand up for what is right, stand up for your children, and not accept or enable selfishness.
Your First Responsibility is to Protect Your Children
Whether it’s a first marriage with your child’s biological parent, or a second marriage with a step-parent, your first responsibility is to protect your children. Yes, our first priority should always be to the marriage, because the marriage determines the health of all other relationships. But while the marriage is a priority, the responsibility is actually to the children. Children’s well-being trumps everything else, and when children are in danger, your job is to protect them.
In this case, I would encourage the daughter to move out, and I would support her in that. You need to get her away from her step-father, because he is not a psychologically safe person for her at all. If she cannot live on her own yet, then I would go with her, along with your other child, and support her, and separate from the husband for a time (if not permanently). He needs to reap what he is sowing. He is sowing division and discord and hatred; if he reaps division in his family, that is on him, not you. The daughter’s needs are paramount here.
If she were to marry this man, and have children, then your responsibility turns towards the grandchildren as well, and it is vitally important that those grandchildren never feel “less than”. If your husband insists on keeping those grandchildren from his house, or if he eventually allows them but treats them badly because of their skin colour, that is not a safe environment for those children.
Quite frankly, this is an awful situation, and I don’t completely know what I would do. But I am quite sure that I would not tolerate a man who would banish my grandchildren from my own house simply on the basis of their skin colour. I would have to draw boundaries or say something. I want to make it clear that this is never, ever acceptable, and goes completely against Scripture. Such attitudes show that you are not part of the body of Christ.
If drawing boundaries is something that confuses you, or you’re just not sure how to do it with your husband, my book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage can help!
Do You Have a Difficult Time Standing up to your Husband?
God wants us aiming for His will. That sometimes will mean that we need to confront our husbands when they’re doing something wrong.
Struggle with how to do that? Are boundaries a difficult concept for you? 9 Thoughts can help!
Take me to it!
I do not believe in separating simply because your husband is not a Christian, but I do think big steps have to be taken when the safety, including the emotional and psychological safety, of children and grandchildren is at stake. I believe that this falls into that category. I would hope that it could be resolved before anything drastic had to be done, but in this case, their emotional well-being comes first, I think.
What do you all think? What should she do about her racist husband? Let’s talk in the comments!
A Better Way to Honour God in Your Marriage:
Are You a Spouse or an Enabler?
When Your Husband Won’t Change: Is this the Last Straw?
4 Things You Must Do If Your Husband Uses Porn
10 Signs You’re Respecting Your Husband Too Much
Author
Social Media
Sheila's Best Posts
Books
Courses
Freebie
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
June 28, 2019
Did You Miss This? Plus Some Cool Stuff for Summer!
Summer is here!
School is out, the warm days have begun, and hopefully you’ll all be getting a bunch of vacation coming soon!
(Although to all my New Zealand and Aussie readers, I know it’s winter. I remember being Down Under last May! So I hope you are enjoying bundling up and cuddling up!)
I have a bunch of quick things I wanted to share with you today, to let you know what’s happening this summer on the blog, and what you don’t want to miss.
First, my life is changing in a big way. And for Rebecca, an even better one!
For those of you who have read a few posts where we mentioned this, or listened in on the podcast yesterday, you’ll know that this fall Keith and I will be grandparents! We went up to Ottawa last weekend to visit Rebecca and Connor and did some maternity clothes shopping. This one’s my favourite:
She’s so happy to belong to a church right now. She’s been given SO MUCH STUFF that we don’t even need a baby shower. And then, of course, she’ll pass on everything to someone else when she’s done having kids. It’s great!
We’ve been thinking about the baby years all over again, and we’re all eagerly awaiting the addition of Little One. So that’s a lot of what’s been on my mind!
Because of Rebecca’s pregnancy, though, she and Connor won’t be joining us next week when:
Katie and her husband David join Keith and me as we travel across the pond to visit England!
We’re taking off the middle of next week, and we’ll be staying primarily in Oxford and in Portsmouth. In Oxford we’re visiting friends, and doing a lot of nerdy C.S. Lewis things (plus visiting the Downton Abbey Castle), and in Portsmouth we’ll be doing some Jane Austen things and tracing my family tree. We’re trying to go as cheaply as possible in bed & breakfasts, but I hope to be posting some great pictures on Instagram, so keep up with me there! (And Katie posts way better pics than me, so keep up with her, too!).
While we’re gone I’ve got some posts already scheduled, and Rebecca will be writing a bunch. We’ll be taking a few days off for the July 4 weekend, and Rebecca and Connor may not record podcasts while we’re gone, but there will still be quite a few posts. I have a bunch of stuff I want to say, and I don’t want to let my reader questions get even further behind.
Want to catch up? Here’s what you don’t want to miss:
In the meantime, you may want to catch up some really great stuff. Here are the top 2 posts for June:
The Gross Things Female Bloggers Deal With
A Horrible Scorecard for Wives
And here are my two biggest podcasts to date, if you haven’t started listening. Remember, you can subscribe using iTunes, Spotify, Stitcher, or any other podcast app that you use! (And see all of the podcasts right here).
PODCAST: A Horrible Scorecard for Wives
Other great summer stuff:
Now, two summer posts that you may want to revisit as well. When I originally published the post on sex and family vacations, we had a LOT of comments. I reran it a few years ago and didn’t get the same amount of controversy, but feel free to chime in again. My own feeling is that it’s okay to have a vacation where the primary purpose is having fun with family, and not necessarily having amazing sex, especially if you’re camping or sharing a hotel room. But some disagreed. See what you think!
10 Ways to Make Vacations with Your Kids Awesome
Can Sex and Family Vacations Go Together?
(Hint: It’s okay to concentrate on the kids for a week, especially if you’re sharing a hotel room or a tent and the kids are older!)
Which course should I work on next?
Okay, I’ve got two options for what my next project is when I get back. I can do:
How to Have an Orgasm course
The Sexual Shame Recovery course
I get asked for both all the time, but any votes? Let me know in the comments!
And that’s it for now! I’ll be packing up all my stuff this weekend and getting ready for our vacation. What are you up to? What course should I make? Let’s talk in the comments!
Author
Social Media
Sheila's Best Posts
Books
Courses
Freebie
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
