Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 80
June 27, 2019
Podcast In Which I Admit I Was Naive–and Beth Moore Was, Too
This week’s To Love, Honor and Vacuum podcast is going to tell two different stories.
It’s a bit of a different one today, and it’s really worth listening to, because it lets you in on some of the biggest stuff that’s been going on behind the scenes here on the blog since January (and it’s got repercussions for our next big project, too!)
If you don’t have time, though, you can peruse below. And I’ve got the extras that I promised in the podcast below as well.
But first, here’s the podcast:
Main Segment: I Was Naive. Really Naive.
In the podcast, Joanna joins me and we tell the story about how shocked we were when we read the book Love & Respect in January–and how that led to the week long publication of posts showing that the book was dangerous, because it created a power differential in marriage, and it portrayed sex as only being about a husband’s physical release.
That’s not the point of the story we’re telling, but it’s the background you need to understand. You’ve likely heard all that, and you likely remember those posts, but if not, they’re here:
How Love & Respect Gets Sex Horribly Wrong
Why Unconditional Respect Doesn’t Work
The Fundamental Flaw in the Book Love & Respect
That series sent hundreds of comments our way, on Facebook, on the blog, and through emails, the vast majority from women saying, “finally! Thank you! Someone’s saying it, because this book really hurt my marriage.”
The comments were heartbreaking. Joanna and I decided that we should write up a report, looking at the themes in the comments, codifying them, and giving examples of each type. Joanna has a background in statistical analysis, and so she prepared an in-depth report.
We then sent that report to Focus on the Family, whose trademark is on the book. They endorse it; they sell it. We thought they would want to know that it had caused so much harm, and that they would care.
Now, please understand: I have a good relationship with Focus on the Family. I’ve been on the radio show three times; I’ve been at their headquarters on another occasion to film video; I know Jim Daly and the producers.
Keith and I recording a segment about 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage with Jim Daly and John Fuller
Me after taping an episode on To Love, Honor and Vacuum (the book)
Taping a video series at the Focus on the Family headquarters
They know me. I truly thought they’d be interested. I sent the email to the highest levels, and I had trackers on the emails (I sent several follow ups), and I know they were opened several times.
But I haven’t heard a thing.
Not a peep.
When I prepared the report, I put it up on the website, and also wrote a sample letter that people could send to their churches.
Concerned about these books?
Since posting these reviews of Love and Respect, many people have asked me how they can share their concerns with their churches and community.
We created a report of the hundreds of comments we received (including good and bad reviews) which is available to download together with a sample letter to send to churches.
You can download both and send them to whoever you think needs to read them here:
Download the Report
Download the Letter
Many readers have also written in to Focus on the Family, and they have received responses (they’ve sent them to me). Basically, Focus is standing behind the book, saying that it’s not meant for those in destructive marriages (despite the fact that Emerson Eggerichs refers to respecting your husband even when he’s been “drinking or straying”, and that he includes anecdotes of physically abusive marriages and marriages with affairs, saying that respect cured both things. If affairs, physical abuse, and alcoholism do not constitute destructive marriages, I don’t know what does). They also ignored all the issues around how the book handled sex.
I said in the podcast that I’m just flabbergasted. I don’t know how to process all this, because I honestly thought they’d care. (I know I’ve said that several times, but it’s true). Focus on the Family is under new leadership since the book came out; I thought that they cared about abuse and about women, but clearly I was wrong. I feel like Beth Moore did when she wrote this tweet recently:
I had the eye opening experience of my life in 2016. A fog cleared for me that was the most disturbing, terrifying thing I’d ever seen. All these years I’d given the benefit of the doubt that these men were the way they were because they were trying to be obedient to Scripture...— Beth Moore (@BethMooreLPM) May 11, 2019
Then I realized it was not over Scripture at all. It was over sin. It was over power. It was over misogyny. Sexism. It was about arrogance. About protecting systems. It involved covering abuses & misuses of power. Shepherds guarding other shepherds instead of guarding the sheep.— Beth Moore (@BethMooreLPM) May 11, 2019
When I looked into it more, I realized that Focus on the Family had also published articles promoting the Eternal Subordination of the Son heresy–the one that says that there is hierarchy in the Trinity, and that Jesus is always subordinate to the Father, which is a heresy that was revived, after being repudiated in the 300s, just 20 years ago to find a more biblical basis for the subordination of women.
Here’s the article on submission featuring the heresy and promoting Eggerichs’ work in Love & Respect about a woman’s subordination, and here’s an explanation of the problems with it.
So I’m just sad. Naive. And sad.
Happily, some churches are getting it!
One woman wrote to me just yesterday about an information packet she sent her church about Love & Respect after they used it as a teaching tool, along with her concerns and my posts, and the church pulled the book!
After reviewing the Love and Respect materials again, considering your comments, as well as looking at some other evaluations of the material, we have reached the following conclusions. We agree with your concerns that the material is unbalanced and does not reflect the teaching on marriage relationships we want to promote. Therefore we are withdrawing it from our recommended resources.
Millennial Marriage: It’s Not Cool for Men to Say They Wish They Could be Harassed Like Women
I’m not sure if you all saw it, but on Monday, on my post about husbands ogling women at the beach, Rebecca and I got into an interesting back and forth with commenter Jason, who said that he wished he could get sexual attention from strange women, and was jealous that women get all of this attention. He started with this, and it went downhill from there:
This all sounds so sad to me because: do women even like men? Why don’t women have trouble with lust? It isn’t cool what women go through, but it’s also not cool that we as guys aren’t considered sexual beings in general? I would trade places with a woman, even a harassed woman, in a New York minute.
We proceeded to tell him that saying that he wished he could be harassed was offensive, and showed that he had no understanding of what women go through. But he doubled down. He’s not the only one who has done this, though. We had similar commenters making similar sentiments on my posts about not being a stumbling block and talking about men’s sexual needs in a healthy way.
So Connor, Rebecca and I are replying and discussing it today!
That’s it for the podcast. I’d love to hear what you think. I’m still dumbfounded. I hope that the church will one day make more of an effort to care about the well-being of BOTH men and women, and to stop promoting doctrines of marriage that objectify women and make them vulnerable.
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
June 26, 2019
Visioning as a Couple: Living Out Your Purpose as a Family
Do you have a vision for your family?
You may have an idea of what your ideal family would look like with the perfect house and the fluffy dog, but do you truly have a vision for your family’s purpose?
This month, on Wednesdays, I’ve been wanting to give you some practical tools to grow your marriage and keep it close. First we talked about using the 5 Whys exercise to help you uncover the root of the problem; last week we talked about discovering each other’s emotional needs. And today I want to talk about vision!
When Keith and I speak at marriage conferences we talk about the idea of drift in marriage. Our natural inclination, in relationships, is to drift apart. Staying close and keeping the relationship healthy takes work! And one of the ways drift happens is when you get so caught up in the daily routine that you forget to talk about where you’re actually going. So today let’s fight the drift by talking about vision in marriage: pursuing your dreams together. In many ways, this post is the closest to my heart of anything I have written about marriage on this blog, so please listen to me here. It can be summed up like this:
If we do not live intentionally, then we will never, ever live out our values or have the impact we long for. Too many of us let life happen to us, we don’t bother to live it.
(Click here to tweet this quote)
Are you familiar with the saying, “without vision a people perish?”
It’s from Proverbs 29:18, but I don’t think God meant that just for the nation of Israel. I think He meant it for marriages and families, too. If we have no clear idea where we are going, then we will never, ever get there.
I have heard people say, “You can tell what someone values just by looking at how they spend their time,” but I don’t think that’s necessarily true. If you look at many men, they spend more time on video games than they do talking to their kids. Does that mean they don’t love their kids? And many women spend more time on Facebook everyday than they do talking to their husbands. Does that mean they like Facebook more? No, I honestly don’t think it does.
I think what happens is LIFE. We love certain things, and we value certain things, but we’re not intentional about actually living those things out. We don’t take the time to figure out how to make those things part of our daily routine. And so, when other things threaten to crowd in, like technology, or screen time, or too many extracurricular activities, we let them. And then we wonder why we feel so unfulfilled, as if something is off, not quite right. It’s because we’re not valuing the things we value! It’s because we’re not living our lives with purpose.
And so today I want to invite you to take a journey with me first, and then with your husband.
I want to invite you to dream: to dream about what you want for your family, and what you want for your marriage, and what you want for your home.
And then I’m going to encourage you to share those dreams with your husband, listen to his, but most importantly–figure out practically how to put them into action. I’ve even got some a free worksheet you can download to help in that conversation later in this post! But first let me tell you two stories, of two families that I know. Some details have been changed to preserve privacy, but both families are quite wealthy. In both cases the parents are totally committed to Christ. Both sets of parents serve in the church. Yet only one family is on solid footing.
The first family, and we’ll call them Sam and Betty, are both family doctors. They could have focused on making a ton of money, but they didn’t. They lived moderately, and the mom worked very part-time when the kids were small. Once the kids were big enough, they started involving them in volunteer activities, even taking them on missions trips occasionally. Whenever the kids would mention a problem or something they found was disturbing, Sam and Betty would always turn it into a challenge: What do you think God is asking you to do about it? Anything? How can you be part of the solution? How can we pray about it?
Their attitude, in everything they did, was, “how can we shine a light here?” They taught their kids to be lights to their neighbours, and living in a really small town, with few good churches or a good youth group, they had to provide that themselves. And they worked hard to do so. Even though the parents could have been the most important people in the town, the ones everybody wanted to know, they became more beacons for those a little down and out, and to many teenagers. Even though they were wealthy, their favourite place to shop was the second hand store. They had oodles of fun trying to come up with new outfits and learning how to live by a budget. Because of that, other teens never thought Sam and Betty’s kids “were too good for me”. They were regular people. Their kids are grown now; Sam and Betty are empty nesters. And their lives are focusing more on each other as they continue to pray for their kids, who are all out in the world, asking, “how can I shine a light here?”
The second family I’ll call John and Helen. They loved their kids with a fierce love, too. Helen stayed home with them; John worked major hours in the corporate world. Helen made sure the kids always went to church and were always involved. But Helen also wanted the kids to have fun. Everytime there was a party, she’d make sure the kids had new stuff to wear. The kids were involved in all kinds of activities; because John was always at work, Helen found it easier to have the kids be busy, too. And so gradually the kids’ friends came primarily from outside the church. And as those kids entered high school, Helen was often shocked to see what was on their Facebook statuses. But “kids will be kids”, she thought. And so she did nothing about it, and the kids are really drifting.
Both families had more resources than most, yet only one had a firm vision of how they were raising their kids and who they were raising them to be. And because they had that vision, they were able to figure out how to put things into place so that their kids would pick up on the vision, too. And the kids grew up caring deeply about the things the parents also cared deeply about. I went to a family camp every summer with Betty and Sam, and I will never forget how they would use that week to do their planning for the year, pulling out their calendars, scheduling in all of their conferences and work, and then figuring out what they were going to do with their kids this year, and what they would concentrate on as a family. They spent time praying, visioning, planning together. If we don’t take time to take stock, plan, and develop a vision for our family, it’s very unlikely that we actually live out our values. Other things will creep in and steal our time.
And what is a vision?
A vision for your family, I believe, is simply a plan of how you will live out your values.
God gives us specific visions about specific things we are to do, certainly. But sometimes I think we wait too much for God, and we don’t bother to work with what He’s already given us. And so today I’d like to give you some tools to turn the values that you and your husband already share into a vision for your marriage and for your family.
Here’s how it works:
I’ve got a visioning worksheet to download that you can pray through and create an “action plan” to live out your vision.
It’s divided into three sections: Character things (like what God wants to refine in you); The “Feel” of your home (like what vibe you want your home and family to give off); and Calling things (like what role God specifically has for you as a family).
I’d suggest working through this on three different “date nights”, or nights when you set aside time to talk. Stress to your spouse that this isn’t about telling him what he is doing wrong; it’s about you both thinking and praying about where your family is heading. You both get equal input! It helps you figure out what you value–because each family will value slightly different things–and then it encourages you to break these things down into small, manageable steps that you can do to work toward this goal.
Betty and Sam, for instance, valued service and generosity. That was their big family value, and they lived it out. Other families may have slightly different values: one may value being a host to people with less stable family situations; one may value pursuing music and self-discipline; one may value becoming self-sustaining on a farm. There isn’t a right or a wrong; it’s what you feel called to as a family. But if you both have dreams of being self-sustaining, for instance, but you’ve never learned how to can your own tomatoes and you still order pizza 3 nights a week, you likely have to work at making this dream more of a reality.
I’d encourage you to work through this sheet with your husband. I’ve tried to keep it simple and relatively short, but with enough “meat” that you can talk about the issues. I truly hope and pray this helps you. Most of us do value good things; we just have little vision of how to put that into practice. I pray that these worksheets help you do just that as you develop a true vision for what God wants to do in your family!
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Your Challenge:
Download the printable on this page and make a list with your spouse about your future marriage dreams and talk about how you can work towards these dreams together. Then spend time praying over this list together.
Like this post so far? You should also check out:
What Are Your Big-Picture Marriage Goals?
Why You Can’t Afford to Live Separate Lives
If you could use one word to describe your family’s calling or mission, what do you think it would be? Have you ever talked about this before with your spouse? Let’s chat about it in the comments!
Author
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Sheila's Best Posts
Books
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
June 25, 2019
Sex Reader Questions: Lightning Round Edition
Here at To Love, Honor and Vacuum we get a LOT of reader questions–especially about sex!
We can’t answer anything personally, but Tammy (who goes through them all) does set aside ones that are particularly interesting, crop up a lot, or I haven’t answered before.
And we’ve got a huge backlog.
So this summer I thought I’d do some “lightning round” reader question posts, where I post a bunch of reader questions, with some quick thoughts and then links for more information. I figure that if someone writes in with a problem, likely a lot of you have that same problem! So here we go:
1. My husband is a selfish lover
A woman writes:
Reader Question
Sheila recommended the good girls guide to great sex, I got it yesterday and read it all in one day. I just have one question. What do I do when my husband is a selfish lover? I try to voice to my husband that women need foreplay but he will not cooperate. Same with kissing. I don’t think we’ve kissed in over 4 years. I even try initiating kissing and get turned down. We also don’t sleep in the same bed. Which was his decision says he can’t move around or be comfortable. I give him sex when he wants it, with no kissing or foreplay for me, and after he goes to sleep in another room instead of cuddling. So I feel resentment and that sex is dirty because I’m bring treated more like something disposable than a wife. So I’m not sure what to do…..
My quick answer: The reason you feel that you’re being treated as something that’s disposable instead of like a wife is because he IS treating you like something that’s disposable, instead of like a wife. He’s doing nothing to make sex about you, and that’s not what sex is supposed to be. Unlike what many books tragically say (like Love & Respect), sex is not only about a husband’s physical release. As I talked about in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, God designed sex to be so much more. It’s for BOTH of you, and it’s supposed to help you feel spiritually and emotionally intimate, too. If it’s not–if it’s become only about him–that’s wrong. It’s going to ruin sex for you, it’s going to enable him to be selfish, and it’s going to drive you apart.
I wrote a series in March about how the “Do Not Deprive” verses are better applied to women, because studies show that it’s women who are more sexually deprived. I’d encourage you to read the whole series, especially the one on changing the definition of sex!
Do Not Deprive: Are Women the Ones More Likely to Be Deprived?
Why We Need a New Definition of Sex
10 Times It’s Okay to Say No to Sex
And then I’d say that you may also need to look at trying to build some emotional connection in your marriage to help you talk about this stuff. I’ve got a free 5-email course to help you do that right here:
2. My husband isn’t aroused by me
Another woman writes in:
Reader Question
My husband and I have been married almost 4 years and sex has only been good for me the last two times (this past week). I wasn’t a Christian before my husband and so I didn’t wait for marriage. My previous serious relationship, we enjoyed an amazing sex life so I know how great it can be. He found me sexy and made me feel that way – even in sweats eating chocolate icing. So I imagined I’d go into my marriage and would experience something similar. However, it was the total opposite. He only cared about his climax. He didn’t want me to take off my clothes. He didn’t want to see me naked and constantly commented how I could take better care of my body. We’ve been working through a lot of his past baggage and we’ve been reclaiming a lot of ground and then this week was great. We had sex twice (which has never happened before where I actually wanted it!). I decided to leave him little notes today and get dressed up and wait for him in the bedroom. When he came in, he looked upset. He kissed me for awhile, but I could tell he wasn’t really into it. That’s when I realized he wasn’t aroused by me. I’m trying so hard to not let him affect my self esteem but I’m really struggling. I’ve never been made to feel so unattractive since I got braces in 5th grade. What am I doing wrong? I thought it would be great, but instead he started crying and ran out of the room when I asked him about it.
This is so sad. My heart breaks for both of them. I need more info to be able to properly answer this question–I’d love to know what baggage they’ve been working through on his end–but I do see some real red flags here. It seems as if he can only sexually respond when he can distance himself from her, which to me usually signals either a porn addiction or a problem with sexual identity. The fact that he left the room crying makes me think it’s less likely to be a porn addiction, because this is obviously something that bothers him a great deal and that he feels great shame about, and usually when porn users lose attraction, they direct their anger outward, not inward. However, the fact that he’s been telling her she needs to take better care of her body makes me wonder as well.
In short, I can’t tell what the issue is here, but I would say that there is a real problem. This isn’t normal. And you need to get to the bottom of it, because he’s not healthy. So I would insist that you see a licensed counselor to talk these things through. And women–more encouragement that when you sense that something is off, you trust your instincts!
Posts that may help:
Top 10 Sex and Marriage Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore
Women: Please Trust Your Instincts!
3. How do I get my husband to transition from dinner to sex without being awkward?
Here’s a more upbeat question:
Reader Question
My husband seems to have no idea on how to move from talking sweet over dinner to moving to sex. It happens all the time, and I’m quite frankly getting very frustrated. We’ve talked about it, I’ve brought it up, suggested things, etc. Help!! Advice for men on how to segue or shift without it being awkward.
For sure! I’ve got a couple of posts that can help, because that can be an awkward transition to make, and many men just tend to go “straight for the kill”, so to speak, instead of taking time to woo you.
For big picture things, I’d start with an after-dinner ritual of sharing about your day, with your “highs” and “lows”. Over cup of tea or coffee, share what the best part of your day or the worst. That way you know that you’ve emotionally connected.
Then here are two posts specifically to help men transition to sex:
Like this post? You may also like:
10 Sexy Questions to Ask Your Wife
How to Initiate Sex With Your Wife Without Turning Her Off!
Those posts would also likely help this woman, who has a similar problem:
What to do when your husband never initiates sex? He is more than willing if I do but a girl does like to be pursued once in a while. I thought if I stopped that he would pick up where I left off but it didn’t happen. I truly believe he doesn’t know how to initiate. I know for a fact that he is not the only Male out there like this.
Nope! He’s not the only guy out there like this. I think a lot of guys feel awkward, and they don’t know how to make that transition, so hopefully these posts can help, or can at least start the discussion!
And for both of you–check out the Sexy Dares, too! They can help guys feel more comfortable, especially because there are 8 where they have to be the ones to take the lead (in a very non-creepy way, of course!).
Does your marriage need some spicing up–and some fun?
Try these 24 dares–plus one bonus–to take your marriage to the next level!
Let's add some heat!
4. My husband has wet dreams at night. Is that normal?
A newlywed asks:
Reader Question
We have been married 4 years in June. We both grew up in homes where sex was not really discussed. I had no idea what to expect on our wedding night. I have read your book The Good Girls Guide to great sex and it helped me tremendously. But I have one question. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and he has ejaculated or is turned on. I don’t know if this is normal for guys to get wet in the middle of the night. I worry a lot about him getting back into porn and my fears are just really really strong when that’s what I wake up to. My heart wants to trust but it seems like it happens frequently and I don’t know what to do… do we need to have sex more often or is this normal?
Wet dreams, or nocturnal emissions, are actually pretty normal during early adulthood for many men. This is because men tend to have higher testosterone levels in their early twenties as they are exiting puberty. They do tend to happen less frequently as they get older, so depending on how old this couple is it may be something to ask about at the next doctor’s appointment.
Wet dreams do not necessarily mean that a man is watching pornography. It can simply be because his hormone levels are high. In fact, nocturnal emissions tend to happen more when a man is not sexually active or engaging in masturbation. So if a man is having nocturnal emissions, that is not necessarily a sign that he has been watching pornography since pornography use is commonly paired with masturbation, which makes nocturnal emission less likely. However, if these are happening quite frequently, it may be a good thing to bring up with your doctor just to make sure that everything is normal, especially depending on your husband’s age.
When it comes to erections, men just wake up with them. It is not a sign that they are lusting or watching porn at all–if anything, it just signals that he has to pee. Yup. That’s actually the best theory that science has for why “morning wood” happens: he’s got a full bladder and that helps keep him from wetting the bed. In fact, women wake up with higher levels of physical arousal in the morning, too–it’s just not quite as obvious.
In general, if there is a health issue you are worried about, never be too embarrassed or scared to ask your doctor. But if you’re truly worried that your husband may be using porn, that’s an important conversation to have. Either (a) you have a reason to be anxious and you need to work together to get him help, or else (b) he’s not doing anything wrong and you need to work on being able to let go and trust him. But being worried and reading into every little thing that happens is not a good recipe for intimacy. So if you’re scared, talk to him. And figure out what the core problem is: him breaking a promise, or you having to work to rebuild your ability to trust.
And, hey, if you wake up in the middle of the night and he’s aroused–you can always take advantage of it! 
June 24, 2019
Reader Question: My Husband Checks Out Other Women at the Beach!
Summer is here, and many of us are heading to the beach! But what do you do if the beach is a minefield because your husband checks out other women?
Some women have written in having this problem. Here’s one woman who says that whenever they’re in public (even at the beach!), her husband looks at other women:
Reader Question
I have not noticed any signs that my husband is still doing porn. My problem is that he still has a wandering eye for beautiful women when we go out. My self esteem was not good before I found out about the porn and after that it was in the negative so say the least! I have told him how much his looking bothers and hurts me. I know this is a difficult thing for men and his comeback was that all men do it! We can go out on a nice date and I come home feeling like crap about myself because he’s checking out other women and then wants sex when we get home, while I’m crushed and angry. Do I say something to him when I notice it? What should I say? I want to be loving and not angry and start a fight everytime we go out (which doesn’t happen right now because I just stew and cry in silence). I love the beach, but last summer I could barely take it and silently cried the whole time (sunglasses help alot). We had a marriage speaker at church last week and we went for a date night and of course there was a beautiful woman to the side and behind us and he turned around 7-8 times to get a look. I try so hard to ignore it, but when he’s actually turning his body to get a look, it’s hard to ignore!
Another long-time reader commented a while back, saying this:
Reader Question
My husband says that he can’t go to the beach because there are too many scantily-clad women there who would cause him to lust. But that means that we can’t go camping (where there are always beaches) or go to the beach together as a family. I feel like my kids miss out on summer because my husband can’t handle himself in public. How do I not get mad?
Let me deal with the second letter writer first–whose husband is afraid he’s lusting.
I’ve written recently on how noticing a woman is beautiful is not lusting–and we need to stop saying that it is.
Many Christian men are honestly trying to honour their wives by making sure that they don’t lust. But when they’ve been taught that even being tempted to lust is lusting (because you’re thinking of a woman in sexual terms), then noticing a woman has breasts becomes dangerous. The way to get around this is to “bounce the eyes”, as Every Man’s Battle teaches, something that all men should be doing at all times, so they never fixate on a woman.
Like this post so far? You should also check out:
Pastors: Enough with the “Boys Will Be Boys”
Men Are Visual: Does That Mean All Men Lust?
However, bouncing the eyes at the beach is an exercise in futility, because no matter where you look, there will be a woman whose body is visible. So you’re stuck. So men who truly want to honour their wives may refuse to go the beach.
I understand that they are trying to be kind, but does anyone else see how ridiculous this is? If a man can’t have fun with his kids doing something that all kids really enjoy, something is seriously wrong.
This teaching that noticing a woman is beautiful means that you’re lusting has created a whole generation of hyper-vigilant men who are super-stressed all the time about lust. And it means that they’re missing out on life.
So I would show him the article on how noticing is not lusting and talk it over with him, and then say something like this:
Honey, I appreciate your desire to remain faithful to me and honour me. However, I need to tell you: The fact that you don’t think that you can see another woman without mentally undressing her and imagining yourself having sex with her is very concerning to me, and does not make me feel cared for. If the presence of a beautiful woman automatically means that you will lust, then we have serious problems. You need to be seeing a counsellor. You need to be having people seriously pray over you. You need to be confessing a whole lotta sin. Because that is simply not right.
If that still doesn’t work, then try this:
How about when we go the beach you concentrate on playing with the kids in the water, and building sandcastles with the kids, and playing with the kids? If you keep your eyes on the kids, then that should keep your mind in the right place!
If a man can’t go to the beach with his children without lusting after other people, then there is a serious problem.
Now let’s turn to the first woman, whose husband truly is checking out other women in public.
I want to be clear here that her husband is sinning in all kinds of ways: He’s sinning against his wife by ogling and lusting after other women; he’s sinning against God and he’s sinning against that woman by objectifying her and intimidating her. While some women may honestly want men to check them out, the majority of women do not want men staring at their chests or their backsides. When men objectify us like this, it makes us feel very unsafe. If strangers view us as sexual objects, then how do we know a stranger won’t take that even further?
We now have to be hyper-vigilant that we won’t be hurt. This is creepy, it is dangerous, and it is just plain wrong. It needs to stop.
However, instead of drawing boundaries, this woman seems to be showing a complete and utter lack of communication. She cries in silence behind her sunglasses; she tries to ignore it; she doesn’t say anything.
We are not meant to enable sin. We do not need to accept this. Setting boundaries is a positive thing. It says, “this is what I am willing to tolerate, and this is what I am not willing to tolerate.”
A lot of people have trouble with the concept of boundaries, so let me show you what this may look like when he’s checking out other women:
When you’re out in public, the first time he obviously ogles another woman, say to him,
“I see that you are checking out another woman. That is disrespectful to me and to her, and if you do it again, I will leave because I will not stand here while you ogle women.”
Then, if he does do it again, you can get up, put your arm on his arm, and say,
“Honey, you are still openly checking out other women. That humiliates me and is making me really angry, so I’m going to leave the kids with you and head on out and get my own dinner or do something to get into a better head space again. You can text me when you and the kids are ready to go home.”
Or grab an Uber or a bus and head home yourself, or better yet take the car.
What if you’re at the beach with the kids? This one may be a little more difficult, because it may be harder to just leave, especially if you’re far from home and you only have one method of transportation home. In that case, issue the warning as before, and if he does it again, you can say,
“You’re being direspectful towards me and to the women around us, and I will not be made to sit here while you do that. You can take care of the kids, and I’m going further down the beach by myself to take a walk so I can still enjoy this outing. Text me when you and the kids are ready to go.”
And then leave him with the kids. Or, if it’s later in the day, cut the day short and go home. The kids need to also know that there are some things that you won’t put up with because they’re just wrong–even if it makes them upset, and even if it makes Daddy upset. There’s a bigger point to be made here, which is that you do not allow yourself to be treated that way, and you do not enable sinful behaviour.
So that’s an example of what setting boundaries could look like (and you may also have other ideas of how to handle it). But what you’re saying is that there are certain behaviours that you will not tolerate, and it’s important that your husband reaps what he sows. That doesn’t mean that you change him; but you do change how you reacts when he chooses to do things.
And if he makes an issue out of it, he makes an issue out of it. That’s okay. That’s his prerogative. He can get angry at you if he wants. But seeing him look at other women is disrespectful and hurtful towards you, and you need to say, “I will not sit here while you do that.”
A lot of men struggle with checking out other women in public, especially if they grew up with porn or if they grew up in a culture that taught that masculinity meant staring at women.
If he’s a good-hearted guy in general and doesn’t mean anything by it, then having conversations about how much it hurts you, how inappropriate it is, and how hurtful it is to the women in question may be a better first step. And if it’s just a habit that he looks at other women, but he really does want to stop, then putting your hand on his arm and saying a quiet reminder, “Eyes!” may do the trick.
But if he does this persistently and deliberately, despite your pleas for him not to, then you need to decide what it is that you are willing to tolerate.
Ogling women is a sin. And ogling women makes the public sphere an unsafe place for women in general.
We need to start speaking up and saying, “That’s not appropriate.”
And, please, don’t tell me that men can’t help it if they see bikinis. They can. It is a choice what you think about. I know so many men who can go to the beach and just have a great time with their families. It totally is possible.
Of course it’s going to be harder, and if your husband is a recently recovering porn addict, then maybe the beach isn’t a good idea for the time being. But to say that a man can never, ever go to the beach because of the women there–well, then I think he’s the one with the problem.
How can you help a husband who is struggling with lust?
If you have a husband who has struggled with porn in the past, is currently struggling, or tends to have a habit of checking out women when he’s out in public, there are things you can do to help him re-train his brain.
With so many men exposed to pornography for the first time before they even hit puberty, having safeguards in place to make accidentally seeing content less likely can be a huge weight off of both of your shoulders.
Covenant Eyes is a really amazing software that helps protect your family against the dangers of pornography. It has a filter you can use, but also an accountability system where a friend or trusted mentor will get an email with information about the sites that your spouse was on over the last week.
It’s a fantastic program that has helped to restore marriages and has changed lives. Check it out here.
Check out Covenant Eyes
Studies have shown that lust can be defeated if you concentrate on how much you love your long-term partner. So if he’s concentrating on how much he loves you, and if he’s playing with his kids, then he should be able to have fun without imagining having sex with strange women.
Am I being too hard on men? Let me know in the comments! (And let’s try to not talk about whether bikinis are okay or not, all right? Regardless of what you choose to wear, there WILL be women in bikinis at the beach. So let’s just deal with reality here!
Like this post so far? You should also check out:
Pastors: Enough with the “Boys Will Be Boys”
Why Every Man’s Battle Backfires
Men Are Visual: Does That Mean All Men Lust?
Can We Talk About Men’s Sexual Needs in a Healthy Way?
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
June 21, 2019
The Gross Stuff I Deal with as a Female Marriage and Sex Blogger
All marriage speakers and bloggers get push back for what they say. But I’m not sure everyone realizes what women go through.
Today I’d like to share some of the comments and words that are hurled at me, female bloggers like me, and my daughters when we speak up for healthy marriages and for healthy sex lives and for a healthy view of relationships. These comments are very different from what most men get, and so I thought it may be instructive to share some.
WARNING: These are graphic and disturbing. But I think the abuse of women online, and the culture of the broader Christian community which enables this, is important to talk about. And I can’t talk about it properly unless you see the extent of the problem. If you find sexual insults and misogyny triggering, then please don’t read this. I normally wouldn’t publish these things; I tend to delete them immediately so no one ever sees. But I do think it’s important occasionally to have a talk about these bigger issues going on. However, if this discussion isn’t for you, feel free to tune out today!
For instance, one day last month this was the first email that greeted me when I checked my inbox that morning:
I get sexually graphic stuff a lot.
Likely because I write about sex, I’m always getting emails and comments that are quite vile and disgusting. They never make it through on the public platform, obviously, and frequently the spam filter catches them so I don’t even see them.
But it’s not just me. Jessica Harris, who writes about recovering from a porn addiction at A Beggar’s Daughter, sent me this one:
Chris, who from the Honeycomb and Spice community where Christian wives can talk about sex, received this one shortly after she put her picture up on the blog:
Okay so u are not a bleach blond bimbo with big fake boobs. But you look great. I would rather be with someone that is for real. You could snuggle up to me anytime.
We need to be aware of the disgusting, abusive comments that women in ministry receive online. Warning: graphic language.
Click to Tweet This!
And then there’s my daughter Katie.
She has a YouTube channel, and when she made a video about why the whole “Men Prefer Debt Free Virgins without Tattoos” was so off-base (mostly because all of those things refer to actions you did in the past, and are based on outward appearances, rather than current, inward character), she was subjected to thousands upon thousands (and I’m not kidding) comments that were horrendously hateful and often sexual in nature. She was asked, “How many guys have you sucked?” over and over. That seemed to be a theme–another one said, “She’s just mad because she got spit roasted by black d***s in college and knows she’s no decent Christian white mans first choice for marriage.”
She stopped checking comments, and some of my assistants did it for a few weeks, so she never saw them. And my assistants just deleted them. But we took some screen shots of some specially bad ones before we deleted them:
I don’t keep the stuff that shows up on this blog directed at me, so I don’t have the screen shots, but I took a bunch of screen shots of the stuff insulting Katie because, as a mom, I was just so incensed. But I get a lot, too.
And it’s not just bloggers. Let’s remember that Paige Patterson, one of the bastions of the conservative resurgence in the SBC, joked from the pulpit about how built a 16-year-old girl was. SBC Pastor Wade Burleson recently documented how Dr. Joshua Dara, a Dean at Louisiana College (SBC affiliated), spoke at the chapel on Valentine’s Day of this year saying that the reason that women weren’t getting dates is that they weren’t “mowing their lawns” (a euphemism for shaving their pubic hair). When women are sexualized in sermons and in chapels, there really is no safe space for us anymore.
Often in the comments people express sympathy for our husbands or put down our husbands.
This normally takes place when I write a post standing up for women, saying that God’s ideal is for a man and a woman to live in a truly intimate relationship, not one where the man dominates. When my husband wrote on this blog a while back that he thought men who didn’t want their wives to be their partners and teammates and instead just wanted to dominate them were missing out on something and were rather pathetic, commenters said (and I’m sorry if this is too graphic) “when are you going to stop taking it up the butt?” (except that they said it even worse than that.)
On Katie’s channel, here’s an adult male criticizing her husband. (I’m sorry the screen shot is so hard to read; I originally took these just for me for posterity, and wasn’t thinking about sharing them, or I would have saved them in another format):
In case it’s hard to read on mobile:
Please don’t call yourself a Christian who believes on the Lord Jesus Christ yet you are an absolute hostile opposition to everything that the word says concerning a woman. I feel so sorry for David.
To reiterate, this is an adult male commenting on a 21-year-old young woman’s YouTube channel saying this. Look at his profile picture. What kind of adult male takes pleasure in leaving comments like this on a mostly teenage-girl channel?
Frequently men say they feel sorry for Keith, too–to tell me that they’re praying for the poor guy and hope that he gets relief from this marriage.
I find that really, really funny (and so does Keith). Keith is a well-respected pediatrician who is extremely well-known in our community. People love him here. He saves lives. And he’s married to a woman who writes books on sex. Just think about that for a moment. Think about how much he must like his life. And I’ll just leave it to you all to figure out what I mean!
June 20, 2019
PODCAST: Why Are You So Needy? And More!
Ever feel like your spouse is just really needy? Or does your spouse think you are needy?
I’ve got a new episode of the To Love, Honor and Vacuum podcast up today!
I hope you all will listen, but if you don’t have time, I’ll have some links and rabbit trails below so you can read all you want as well!
And consider this podcast “extras”. If you want to go deeper into what I talked about in the podcast, here are some more things to help you.
But first, here’s the podcast:
Main Segment: Do We Understand Emotional Needs?
We all have emotional needs. And, because of our personalities, our backgrounds, our experiences, even our woundedness, sometimes there’s one particular need that stands out. Something that we really require if we’re going to feel safe and cared for.
Similar to the love languages idea, I go into a bit of detail on some needs and how we can fill them.
Why does this matter?
Two things: First, when you know each other’s emotional needs, you can plan to do things that fill up that need. And second, if, in the middle of a conflict, you can figure out what you each need, then instead of fighting until one of you wins, you can simply brainstorm how to meet each other’s needs. It’s far less antagonistic! Most conflicts, after all, happen because one or both of you feel as if you’re not getting your emotional needs met. When we turn the conversation towards that, then the conflict becomes something that’s more easily solvable.
To help you out with this, I’ve got an exercise you can do together to figure out your needs and find ways that you can meet them:
You can also listen to this podcast to learn more about how to resolve conflict by figuring out the underlying need!
Reader Question: What If I’M the One Who Cheated?
Today’s question is from a woman who cheated on her husband early in the marriage, and is wondering how to regain his trust. She writes:
My husband and I have only been married briefly and I cheated on him twice, with the same man, whom is also married. I did not have sex with this other man, we kissed and held each other and that is still cheating. To make it worse we actually had a connection of some kind, we spoke openly and honestly about our emotions. My husband obviously found out and is extremely hurt because I have never been able to open up to him like I had with this other man. We have a lot of trouble communicating honestly with each other. I’ve never made excuses for what I did or tried to blame other circumstances in my marriage, but I love my husband and don’t want to lose him. I’m just not sure if he will ever forgive me. He wants to work things out and so do I however if he doesn’t forgive me, we will never truly be happy. And I have tried to do everything he asks of me. I stopped all contact with the other man, I’m trying to give my husband time and space to deal with it, and I have made sure to be completely honest about my feelings and to do nothing that would give him cause to even think that I could be cheating on him again. My question is what more can I do? Or should I continue what I have been doing and find some kind of support system that I can express my feelings without making my husband feel pressured?
I’ve got a post on what to do if you’re the one who cheated here. I will say that emotional affairs are really common. And they tend to happen because we romanticize what it would be like to be with that other person. But that is just a fantasy; it’s not reality. The reason that relationship seems better is because you don’t have the responsibilities of real life.
Comment: Anyone have any great suggestions for two-player board games?
One of my most popular posts is my 20 two-player board games to play with your spouse. And I keep updating that post with new ideas as they come in, or as we play new games. And so many of those ideas I’ve had from all of you!
So I’m planning on writing another post soon with 20 NEW games (because they’re always coming out with new ones), and I’d love some suggestions! I asked on Facebook for some, and I got some great ones–Gobblet, Rivals for Catan (it’s a card game), and more. But I thought I’d ask you all as well! So leave your suggestions in the comments.
I was talking today in my post about how two-player board games make awesome wedding presents! Here's my list of 20 of…
Posted by To Love, Honor and Vacuum on Monday, June 17, 2019
Next week I’m going to tell you a difficult story that’s been going on behind the scenes, of what happened when i tried to alert people to what the book Love & Respect is really about. But I wanted to do a practical, happy podcast today, and I hope that the segment on emotional needs triggered something in you on how you can do something small to improve your marriage.
Any other comments or suggestions? I’d love to fill up my board game cupboard!
Like this post so far? You should also check out:
One Thing Most Couples Get Wrong about Date Night
50 Conversation Starters for Couples
10 Ways to Signal Yes to Your Husband
Author
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Sheila's Best Posts
Books
Courses
Freebie
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
June 19, 2019
A Way to Show Love to Your Spouse–and Meet their Emotional Needs
How do you show love to your husband? How does your wife want to be loved?
Our monthly theme for Wednesdays this month is about small, practical things you can put in place that can seriously help your marriage and help you to feel really close. Like, what are the small things that give the most bang for the buck, so to speak? We started off by showing how the “Five Whys” exercise can help you uncover the root of a lot of your problems, so that you don’t assume that it’s just that your spouse is doing something wrong or is a bad person (or that your relationship is in trouble!).
Today I want to talk about helping your spouse feel loved.
Many of you are probably familiar with the five love languages idea–that idea that says that all of us have certain “love languages” by which we most experience love, and we tend to try to show love in those same languages. The problem is that your spouse may not speak the same love language, and if you’re trying to show love in your love language, they may not actually feel loved despite all your best efforts.
It’s based on Gary Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages, and it posits that most of us experience love best in one of these five ways (though another way could be a close second):
Acts of Service
Quality Time
Words of Affirmation
Physical Touch
Gifts
I want to take us beyond the five love languages today with an exercise that is easy, relatively quick, and can change the whole dynamic in your marriage. And thank you to FamilyLife Canada for the ideas behind this exercise!
We don’t just have love languages; we also all have deep emotional needs, or ways that we most feel complete and satisfied in a relationship.
I won’t list them all, but here are just a few that may resonate with you:
Security: I need to feel safe and secure, like I’m your only object of affection
Affirmation and Encouragement: I need to feel like you believe in me, and that you think I can take on the world
Conversation and Communication: I need to feel as if you are opening up to me and sharing things with me.
Affection and Touch: I need your touch to feel connected to you.
Priority: I need to feel as if I am the most important thing in your life.
Partnership: I need to feel like we’re a team; that we raise kids together; that we do housework together; that we have shared goals; that we plan and vision together.
Shared Activities: I need you to do things with me. Without you, I just don’t enjoy activities. You’re my best friend.
Spiritual Health and Well-Being; I need to feel as if we can go to God together, and that we’re growing spiritually together.
Physical Health and Well-Being: I need to feel as if we’re being good stewards of our bodies and we’re being healthy. Fitness and health are important values to me.
Sexual Satisfaction: I need to feel as if you desire me. Being sexually connected with you is one of the big ways that I feel close.
This isn’t an exhaustive list, and the truth is that ALL of us need all of these things to a certain extent. But ask yourself: “When I’m upset with my spouse, what is usually the root cause? What am I feeling like I’m not getting?” Chances are that’s an unmet emotional need. And feel free to add a need if you think there’s something that’s more “you” but it isn’t there.
Now, for the exercise that I’m going to suggest, we’re going to take sexual satisfaction off of the list. It’s not that it’s not important; it’s just that it’s in its own category, in many ways, and I’ve got more posts coming up and all over this blog (along with challenges like 31 Days to Great Sex or my 24 Sexy Dares) that deal with these!
Need to reconnect with your husband in a FUN way?
31 Days to Great Sex helps you flirt, be more affectionate, talk–and especially spice things up!
No blaming. Just solutions–and a whole lot of fun!
Let's try it!
So here’s what I want you to do: Get together with your spouse and read through that list and think of the two emotional needs that are most important to you. Then think of your love language as well (it could very well be that your love language and your emotional needs overlap!).
For instance, my deepest emotional need is for Security. Likely because my dad left when I was so young, I yearn to feel like Keith is taking care of me, that he has my back, that he’s always going to be there. The problem is that I also have a strong justice side, where I get incensed when people are misusing others, and I want to fix it. So I’m forever marching into battle, and then I’m yelling at my husband, “Hey! I need you to be here and make sure I’m safe!” It’s not exactly a great combination.
Keith, on the other hand, really needs affirmation and encouragement. He needs to feel as if I really respect and love and admire him.
I’ve also got a secondary need for Partnership; he’s got a secondary need for Shared Activities. So we’re not on the same page for many of these things at all!
But when you don’t share the same emotional needs, it’s quite likely that you each will feel as if your emotional well can run dry in marriage.
Even when we share the same need, we may get so busy and preoccupied that we forget to show our spouse! So let’s figure out a way to do that.
I first did this exercise a few years ago, in my post on 25 ways to show your husband love, and I want to revive it again, because it’s an important one.
So with your emotional needs in mind, each of you write down 15-25 quick things that your spouse could do to make you feel loved. There are just a few rules:
They have to be free–or at least extremely cheap (say under $3)
They have to take less than 10 minutes (ideally 1-3 minutes)
They have to have nothing to do with sex
(I know some of you may really want the sex part, but trust me: Sex works better when you each feel loved and emotionally connected! And when sex isn’t great, sometimes if we start by rebuilding the relationship, sex can grow).
Here, for example, are some that help me with my need for security:
Read my blog posts and take note if there are any nasty comments to talk to me about
If I’m upset about something, express righteous anger on my behalf when appropriate
Tell me that you love me frequently
Hug me hard before you leave the house
For Keith, here are some that are important to him:
Greet me when I walk in the door and give me a kiss
Tell me that you’re proud of me, especially when other people can hear
Come with me on bird watching hikes (okay, that one takes longer than 3 minutes, but it’s fun anyway!)
Ask about my hobbies and listen as I share stories of what has recently happened
You get the picture. And you can likely come up with more of your own!
And if you want a printable worksheet that can help you work through this challenge, I encourage you to check out the free resource below:
Then exchange lists. You can even just take a photo of it and store it in your phone for easy reference.
And now commit to doing 2 things a day on that list, no matter what.
Keith and I started this “show your spouse love” exercise when we were grieving our son
We’d been going through a tough time after Christopher died, and a counsellor suggested this exercise. It helped us get out of our own heads and focus on the other person, which helped change the dynamic of the relationship. We felt like the other person did care, and was reaching out. And that made a big difference.
Can you try it? Just make up the lists tonight after dinner. And then see how it impacts your marriage!
What’s your biggest emotional need? Is there one that I missed? Have you ever tried an exercise like this? Let’s talk in the comments!
Author
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Sheila's Best Posts
Books
Courses
Freebie
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
June 18, 2019
10 Ways Men Can “Woo” Their Wives
How can husbands show love to their wives?
It’s Joanna on the blog today, but this really isn’t my advice: it’s men’s corner day and I’m just facilitating! To use a lovely, old fashioned phrase, how can a husband woo his wife? This week we asked some of the men of To Love, Honor, and Vacuum about what their strategies are to show their wives how much they love them. And special thanks to commenter Phil who inspired this post by sending us in some ideas (which we’ve included here! 
June 17, 2019
How to Bless an Engaged Couple: The Best Approach to Support their Marriage
How best can you help a couple you know to start marriage well?
I’ve got to tell you–I really want people to feel passion!
And so I write all of these posts trying to help people unravel marriage problems and get back to the passion, but it’s occurred to me over the last few years that it would be so much better if those problems didn’t start in the first place. If we could find a way to avoid a lot of the disappointments and misunderstandings earlier in the relationship, then maybe people wouldn’t lose that passion–and they could have a lot more fun in their marriages!
it took Keith and me several years to find our way back to each other (and back to passion) after our first initial disappointment in marriage. It’s not that our marriage was ever in trouble. We always had fun together and loved each other and knew we were going to stay together. But there was a lot of hurt that we had to work through, especially over sex.
We both have big regrets over our honeymoon. If we could have done it differently, how much hurt could we have prevented? I know that God has used that hurt, because if I hadn’t gone through it, I don’t think I ever would have started writing and speaking on marriage. But at the same time, we always wonder, “If only…”
So how can you help prevent a couple from ending up in the “If only…” club?
Obviously you can’t, entirely. But I do think that if we could give people the right tools earlier, or if we could help them have different expectations, a lot of hurt could be avoided. And I know you feel that, too, when you look at young couples (or even older couples) who are about to get married. We want to see it succeed and see them keep loving each other. So how can we help?
Give engaged couples practical, marriage tools
Buy them The Honeymoon Course!
My daughter Rebecca and I put together The Honeymoon Course to help engaged couples set the right expectations for sex in marriage; give them a BIG MINDSHIFT about sex for the honeymoon that will set up their sex life much better; and help them plan a trip that fits their expectations and aims, rather than one that leaves them exhausted.
It’s super fun, filled with teaching videos, quick activities the couple does together (nothing takes very much time!), packing lists, checklists, and even activities FOR the honeymoon so that they can build memories and have some romance. We’ve even included 5 all new sexy dares!
It’s a great gift for a bridal shower, or whenever you hear a couple is engaged. Even pair it with The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex!
We’ve created some gift coupons you can print out to put in a card for the shower, or we have the equivalent that you can just email to a couple. Then, when you purchase it, just let me know it’s a gift and I’ll get them enrolled for you. It’s super easy.
Learn more
Buy it before midnight tonight and you’ll get it for $29, instead of the usual $39, PLUS you’ll get 24 Sexy Dares free, as a bonus (and you can keep those for yourself!).
It really is a great way to help a couple start well.
Pay for professional pre-marital counselling
You can’t do this for just anyone, but if it’s a couple that you’re very close to, like your own kids or godchildren or nieces or nephews, consider paying for professional marriage counseling. Often pastors only do 1-2 sessions with a couple, and they don’t always do it well. When Katie and David got married, they were counselled by Tammy (my #1 right hand assistant!) and her husband Steeve, who is a chaplain in the military. (David’s also in the military). Steeve has developed an in-depth premarital counseling program that he does with couples, and it was awesome.
Couples need something like that, and it should be at least 5 sessions, in my opinion, to really get to the heart of things. Sometimes the counseling itself seems silly at the time, because every couple thinks, “Oh, this doesn’t apply to us, because we’re really in love.” But if the counseling focuses on developing tools for communication and conflict resolution, then when those problems do come, they’ll be equipped to deal with it.
We have a niece who is likely getting married next summer (I just checked Facebook to see if the engagement announcement was up yet; so far, nope, but i’m expecting it any day!), and I think we’re going to do this for them. I know their particular church isn’t the best one for marriage counseling, so I’ll make sure they get it myself.
Send them on a weekend marriage retreat
This is also a much bigger expense–likely several hundred dollars, unless you also want to cover hotel and meals (then it’s even more). But if you’re close to the couple, and you can afford it, and the couple is already married, consider paying for them to go on a marriage retreat! The Canadian FamilyLife Weekend Getaways are awesome, and Keith and I speak at a few a year. We took all my staff to one in April and they all had a great time. It’s one of the few times you get to talk specifically about your relationship, and the tools you learn can really help. There’s little else that helps as much as a good marriage retreat.
Couples working through projects at a FamilyLife Canada Weekend Getaway
Let them know they can always call you
Whenever I go to one of my girls’ friends’ weddings (and there seem to have been a lot of them lately), I always tell the bride that if she ever has any questions or problems, she can call or email me. And then I Facebook her and repeat the offer so she knows I’m serious. Some have even taken me up on it!
I shared last week in a post about a woman who called her “aunt”, who was a nurse family friend, on their honeymoon because sex was hurting and she needed some advice, and the woman had told her she could call whenever. And I have friends who have done the same thing with my daughters (because sometimes talking to your mom is awkward). Let young people know you’re a safe place and they won’t be intruding!
Buy wedding gifts that emphasize their relationship
Okay, some more ideas for couples you want to bless, but you may not know as well. When you’re choosing a wedding gift, forego the Bed, Bath and Beyond wedding gift registry, and go for something that you know will bless their relationship.
One of the best habits to get set up when a couple is in their first year of marriage is spending time together regularly. The more that you can laugh together and create memories, the more bonded you will feel. So buy them something that will help them grow!
Tammy and Steeve always buy board games as wedding presents, and we may steal that idea. Try to choose board games that work wonderfully for two people (so no matter how much they may like Catan, try a different one). I’ve got a list of 20 2-person games, and I’ll be updating it soon. One of my personal favourites of all time: Carcassone. But check out the other games for couples as well!
My shelf of two-player board games!
You could also get them memberships somewhere active. Rebecca and Connor love the local rock-climbing gym. A season’s pass to the zoo or a museum or somewhere else they may enjoy hanging out can also work. Just anything that will help them spend time together! And, of course, the gift cards to a nice restaurant chain so they can go out to dinner are useful, too!
Ease the burden of the first few years of marriage
Another way to bless couples? When you’re giving wedding gifts, consider money. Sure, couples may love towels or a crockpot, but what they’re really concerned about is paying for next semester’s tuition or saving for a downpayment for a house. The other stuff can come later.
Gift cards to grocery chains or drug store chains can be greatly appreciated, because then some of the expenses they’re inevitably going to have anyway can be paid for, and the couple can put their money towards their true priorities. Rebecca likes to brag that they didn’t pay for groceries for a year after their wedding because of all the gift cards they received!
If you are going to buy something from the registry, get something top-of-the-line that they wouldn’t necessarily buy for themselves. Most people have towels, and they can make do with the towels they have. Likewise for bedding and pillows. But they likely would never invest in the really good bedding or the really good pillows, and most people put medium stuff on the registry. So consider blessing them with something top of the line that will last them for years.
Okay, those are my ideas for how to bless a couple who is about to get married.
Obviously it depends on how well you know the couple–you can buy the Honeymoon Course and board games for just about anyone. Marriage counseling or couples’ retreats you may need to know them a little bit better.
The wedding’s important. But the marriage matters much more!
The Honeymoon Course is here to help couples plan the perfect honeymoon and start marriage (and their sex life!) off with laughter, joy and fun!
With videos, activities, guided discussions, packing lists, and more, help a couple you love grow their marriage RIGHT–from the beginning.
Learn more
Next time you’re invited to a wedding, instead of doing the normal routine about buying a wedding present, ask yourself: “How can I bless them and actually help their relationship to stay strong?” I bet together we can help a whole lot of marriages keep that passion!
And take advantage of that deal on The Honeymoon Course–$10 off PLUS free Sexy Dares, but just until midnight tonight!
What would you add to the list? How have you been proactive about helping to bless an engaged couple? Let’s talk in the comments!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
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June 14, 2019
What’s Your Favourite Part about Being a Dad?
That’s what I asked dads this week on Facebook to give the men a chance to have a say as Father’s Day is around the corner! To celebrate the awesome dads in our lives, I thought we’d do a round-up of some of the answers we got to honor the men in our communities who truly love and cherish being dads!
And I think I’ll intersperse it with some of my favourite photos of Keith with our girls. He’s an AWESOME dad. They love him so much; and he loves them. And I teared up even just putting the graphic together for today’s post! I didn’t grow up with an awesome dad; it’s been one of the greatest privileges of my life to be married to someone, though, who is one.
So thank you to all the great dads out there.
(And PS: Read to the bottom for a special announcement).
Here are some of the best parts of being a dad:
1. Meeting your child for the first time
Childbirth is additionally meaningful to dads–they may have felt the kid kick, but they’re really meeting each other for the first time after the baby is born–even more so than mom!
Meeting both of my kids for the first time.
Our son (7) was the product of an emergency c-section. Also mom needed to be put to sleep, which prevented me from being in the room. So I met him about 30 minutes after he was born in the c-section recovery room and got to introduce him to mom after she woke back up.
Our daughter (4) was a planned c-section, and I was in the room this time. I got to hold her within five minutes of her birth, and we got the cute photo of the three of us in the OR.
Holding and praying over both my children when they where born. The feeling of being gifted with those two miracles is something I will never forget.
2. The cuddles and unconditional love that children have and freely give
This was pretty universal–pretty much every dad had some iteration of this as part of his answer.
My favorite thing is the random love for no apparent reason. Sudden hugs, sudden “I love you”s, etc.
I love cuddling with my kids and rocking my 2 year old to sleep.
They show me so much unconditional love. They just want to be with me… Until they are bored.
3. Creating memories and traditions together
I’ve been their step-dad for the last 7 years. My favorite thing is teaching them new things and providing them new experiences. Some of my favorite memories with my 14 year old son is teaching him to drive my car (a 1987 Supra we are fixing up) and riding his first roller coaster with him. My favorite memory with our 9 year old is riding go karts with her and watching scary movies with her because that is something we both really love.
Reading at bedtime is a great memory. Bedtime was MY thing to do, and we read just about every night. I have cassettes of some of those sessions from 30 years ago… can’t wait to do the same on occasion with the grandchild!
Sometimes the memories that are created aren’t even initiated by dad! Sometimes it’s the kids that get the ball rolling, and it’s just amazing to get to see their creativity flourish!
The hand drawn pictures I receive for no reason. And the plays and shows announced via handwritten invitation to be performed at 7:00 sharp.
4. How excited they are when Dad comes home
Some of the dads who answered were stay-at-home dads, but a lot of dads who worked outside the house said that their favourite part of being a dad is just how happy their kids are when they come home after work:
I love opening the door and hearing, “Daddy!” Or “Dada!”
Coming home from work and hearing the excitement from the kids as they yell “DADDY” and run to give hugs.
Best part of my day is usually coming home from work and having my son run up for a jump hug. His excitement at seeing me is pretty infectious although he’s getting a bit heavy for my back.
5. Getting to watch them grow up into little people
Watching your kid grow up to be their own person is amazing–seeing their interests, personality, and character develop is something a lot of dads treasure.
Seeing him learn and grow, develop his sense of humor and self, and seeing the world through his eyes when we experience things as a family.
There’s two things that were both memorable and wonderful:
1) watching my children discover the world around them.
2) their special way of pronouncing certain words. Keperch = Ketchup. Bawwls = peas.
The best part about being a dad is seeing the world through those child-like eyes again. Watching your kids explore the world and grow & find out who God has made them to be is unbelievably awesome.
Keith Gregoire
Dad, To Love, Honor and Vacuum
6. The privilege of pouring your heart and soul into your kids
The little signs that you’re doing a great job, especially if you are trying to parent in a better way than was modeled to you by your own parents, all make the heart-wrenching love of fatherhood worth every bit of it.
Those little moments, like when they give me a huge hug for no reason, or when they say ‘I missed you today Daddy’, that they will probably not remember, but that I’ll always remember. That, and the opportunity to grow and to do better than my father did. To take the things from my childhood and learn from them and change them
And that moment when you can do something for your kid that they find meaningful–truly, truly meaningful–that has a piece of you within it. We love what this dad said about his relationship with his 17-year-old daughter:
My daughter is 17. She has been into drama and music like her mom & dad forever. I am a builder & tinkerer and I love working on projects for her school shows and for things around the house. I will spend hours (and lots of money sometimes) on building things we could have bought but they mean more if made by hand. The payoff is when I hear her brag to her friends, “my dad made this for me.”
7. At the end of the day, the best part is simply all of it.
I don’t even know how to answer that. There’s just too many favourites to narrow it down.
It’s all good 
