Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 81
June 13, 2019
PODCAST: Aiming for Arousal, Questions about Masturbation, and More!
It’s time for a new episode of the To Love, Honor and Vacuum podcast!
I hope you all will listen, but if you don’t have time, I’ll have some links and rabbit trails below so you can read all you want as well!
And consider this podcast “extras”. If you want to go deeper into what I talked about in the podcast, here are some more things to help you.
But first, here’s the podcast:
Main Segment: Aiming for Arousal, Not Just Sex!
What if a big reason that many couples find themselves in a sexual rut is that they never figured out what made sex good for her from the start?
When you’re getting married, there’s this pressure to “get it done” that first night. And then your honeymoon is just supposed to be this crazed sex-a-thon. But this doesn’t always lead to great sex. In fact, for my research for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I found that only 20% of women said that their honeymoon sex was great! 60% said it was OK, and 20% said it was downright bad.
I suggest that part of the problem may be that we’re rushing the process a bit. If you get married and then it becomes all about “doing the deed,” it can be easy to skip over foreplay or learning how to simply turn each other on. Arousal isn’t automatic for all women–many have to learn how to listen to their body’s cues and get swept away. So we talk about how couples can use their honeymoon not just to have intercourse, but to enjoy a more full sexual experience that leaves both of them satisfied at the end. And you know what? Aiming for arousal will likely lead to better sex for both of you. We’re not saying don’t have sex–we’re just saying make sure you take time to be sexual together instead of just trying to get it done as many times as you can.
10 Things to Know about Women and Arousal
Why You Should Aim for Arousal, Not Just Sex!
Millennial Marriage: What About Masturbation?
Whenever we’re talking about arousal and learning how your body works, we’ll always get questions about masturbation and if it’s a good idea in the quest to figure out how to orgasm.
Basically, this is a tricky subject. I definitely don’t believe this should be talked about in a shameful or condemning way or that masturbation is even necessarily wrong in and of itself, but I also don’t think it should be promoted since it can lead to intimacy issues in marriage. Listen to the podcast to get the in-depth take or read some posts I’ve written on related topics before:
Is Masturbation OK in Marriage?
What Does It Really Mean to Make Love? The Importance of Intimacy
Reader Question: When Do We Start Talking About Sex?
We recently got this reader question sent in from a woman:
When I get engaged, when and how should I start discussing sex with my future husband? I know I will feel embarrassed to even bring it up to him when the time comes and I worry about how he will respond. I hope to hear from you soon or see a post answering my questions.
Great question! Talking to your fiance about sex can be awkward and uncomfortable. That’s one of the reasons we created The Honeymoon Course–to help couples get through those conversations before the wedding without as much awkwardness. So few couples talk about this properly–even couples who are already having sex! Considering how important openness and honesty is when it comes to sex, we really want people to be able to talk about this in a healthy way!
In general, it’s a good idea to figure out what is wise to talk about a long time in advance and what things you should hold back until closer to the wedding. Things like past sexual partners, abuse, or attitudes you have towards sex are likely important to share ahead of time so that you can receive healing/counseling if necessary before the wedding. Talking about expectations for the wedding night and sex on the honeymoon maybe a little closer to the wedding as long as you know you’re on the same general page when it comes to sex based on past conversations. We talk about this more in the podcast, and have it really clearly laid out in the course, so if you are getting married and don’t know where to start, check that out for sure.
Are you ready for the honeymoon you always dreamed of?
The Honeymoon Course is here to help you plan the perfect honeymoon and start your marriage (and your sex life!) off with laughter, joy and fun!
Don’t make the same mistakes other couples have–get it right from the beginning!
Learn more
Terms About Sex Adults Should Know
How Do I Find Safe Information About Sex
Comment: How One Couple Set Themselves Up for Success!
In the main segment today we read a comment that shows the benefit of focusing on arousal, not just intercourse:
A huge AMEN to #8 [arousal not just sex]. We have been married for 22 years and have had a happy, healthy, active and mutually satisfying sex life for the whole 22 years. For us it really did start on our wedding night. My husband worked at a paper mill when we were dating and got married and he heard how the men talked about their wives/girlfriends and was horrified. Basically they just used them for their own sexual pleasure. On the flip side was the women he worked with who talked about always being left hanging and felt like they were nothing more than “sperm toilets”. How awful! My husband vowed not to be that kind of man. Now we were not the christian couple who waited til the wedding to kiss so sexual tension was building up in our brief ten month dating/engagement period so we knew arousal to a certain point, however, we were both virgins on our wedding night. Most 23 year old virgin men are going to go right for the intercourse on their wedding night but not my husband. After some kissing and general foreplay the first thing he did before intercourse was give me oral sex. I will add that this was completely initiated by him. No, I didn’t orgasm but it sure did get me aroused and relaxed which made intercourse incredible the first time. It has been incredible ever since. I know this might be too much information but my main point is that a truly selfless man will make his wife’s pleasure his number one priority in sex and in reality be setting himself up for a great sex life as well. My husband’s putting my arousal and pleasure ahead of his own on our first night together really set the stage for what sex would be like for the rest of our marriage.
And that about speaks for itself.
I hope you enjoyed this week’s podcast, and let me know what you think in the comments below!
June 12, 2019
Preparing for the Wedding Night: 4 Reasons Sex Often Goes Badly!
If you’re a Christian preparing for your wedding night, likely sex is the biggest thing on your mind.
I know it was for me.
Like, seriously. That’s the whole point, right?
For couples who are saving sex until marriage, your first time on your wedding night is a very, very big deal. In fact, it’s such a big deal that, if we’re not careful, the super-high expectations can actually set us off on a really bad trajectory. So I’d like to help reframe it a bit so that we can avoid some of these “first time with sex” problems!
In my Honeymoon Course, which launched this week, I’ve got two modules on sex, especially for newbies.
The first module is general sex ed–what sex involves and how fertility works (let’s make sure that people actually understand it!); how to decide on contraception or natural family planning; what medical tests or medical appointments you may need to get before you get married; and the two biggest pitfalls that often happen with sex, and how to avoid them. Then there’s another module specifically about honeymoon sex–how to make it the best it can be, and how to relax about it and manage your expectations. Plus I’ve got ONE big assignment for the guys, and ONE big assignment for the women. Together, it will make your sexual time much better!
Check out The Honeymoon Course!
For this post, though, I thought I’d tackle some of the reasons that honeymoon sex can get off to a rough start!
1. We’re simply exhausted on the wedding night (and potentially a little bit tipsy).
We hear our whole lives that the wedding night is supposed to be the most blissful night of your life, but let’s be honest: It follows one of the most tiring days of your life. You likely haven’t slept much in the week running up to your wedding. And if you have an evening reception, it’s quite likely you don’t even get to the honeymoon suite, or the hotel room, or your apartment, or wherever you’re spending your honeymoon until after midnight. You’re just plain super tired!
What surprised me when I was doing the surveys for my book The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, too, was how many women reported that the honeymoon night hadn’t gone well because one or both of them had had too much to drink at the reception (especially if they hadn’t been used to drinking that much). I didn’t even ask about it; many just volunteered the information, so it seems that it affects a lot of us.
There’s nothing wrong with being super tired on your wedding night (though I’d strongly recommend AGAINST being tipsy!), but you really have two choices. Are you going to forego a lot of the reception to get to the honeymoon suite earlier, or are you going to decide that it doesn’t matter if you’re super tired on the actual night, because you have the rest of your lives together?
Talk about it beforehand and come to an agreement (and the Honeymoon Course helps you do that!).
2. We feel pressured to “do the deed”
The expectation is that you’ll have sex on your wedding night–and by “sex”, I mean the standard definition of sex: he puts his penis into her vagina and moves until he reaches climax. Sorry for being so graphic, but I need to explain in order to make a larger point. The problem with this definition is that her experience is really secondary. They have “succeeded” in having sex if penetration has occurred, but the emphasis here is misplaced.
To start your sex life off well, the important thing is not to achieve penetration. The important thing is to enjoy being sexual together.
And that’s the big teaching that’s in The Honeymoon Course: How can we enjoy being sexual? How can we make sure that she feels aroused? Because if you can accomplish that, then you will also accomplish penetrative sex (whether it’s that night or a few nights later). In the meantime, though, she’s associated being sexual with something that feels good to her, not with something that is awkward, fast, and distasteful. And if you want to set yourself up for a marriage of decades of great sex, that’s a far better way to start than just aiming to “complete the deed”.
Note: If penetration is too painful, even a few days or weeks later, please make an appointment with a pelvic floor physiotherapist! There are people who can help.
3. We assume we’d know what the other person liked
Human beings feel sexual pleasure. And we tend to know, at least to a certain extent, what we like. Or at least we understand what sort of touch feels best (if you’ve never figured that out yet, and you’re already married, please get 31 Days to Great Sex!). Because we know what we like, though, we tend to assume that the other person prefers the same thing.
So if a guy likes intercourse, and doesn’t need foreplay, he won’t understand how much his wife needs it. Or if she likes being kissed and touched softly at first, he’ll assume that’s what he wants (and he’ll wonder what she’s doing and why she’s taking so long fiddling around).
For people who have had previous sexual partners, too, there may be an assumption, “Okay, I know what to do here!” But just because one person likes X does not mean that your spouse likes X. People tend to enjoy being touched in different ways. We’re not all the same.
4. We have a hard time communicating about what we do like sexually
Combine the previous point with this one, and you have a recipe for a rather unsatisfying wedding night. It’s difficult to tell someone, “that doesn’t feel quite right. Can you do it lighter/harder/a little to the left.” It’s vulnerable. You feel like you’re making demands or criticizing, and no one wants to criticize their spouse on the wedding night! Frequently we don’t even know what to suggest that we do want–we just know that what the person is doing is not exactly IT. But because we’re embarrassed or awkward, we don’t always say anything.
That can set up a dynamic where you have sex without it feeling very good. And the longer this goes on, the harder it becomes to speak up. But if you can speak up right away, then you don’t run into these problems! Our Honeymoon Course stresses the importance of communication, and gives couples an easy way to talk about this so that you don’t get into these ruts.
Are you ready for the honeymoon you always dreamed of?
The Honeymoon Course is here to help you plan the perfect honeymoon and start your marriage (and your sex life!) off with laughter, joy and fun!
Don’t make the same mistakes other couples have–get it right from the beginning!
Learn more
Wedding Night Sex can be wonderful–if you set the right expectations
If you’re super exhausted, it’s okay to just be sexual without “completing the deed”. On the wedding night, and throughout the honeymoon, aim for arousal, not just sex. Make it your mission to learn your spouse’s body, how it works, and how he or she likes to be touched. And learn to communicate about it.
Do those things, and you set yourself up for a marriage of sexual fireworks!
If you want to start your marriage well like this, get our Honeymoon Course! It will help you have these conversations, get in the right frame of mind, have the right expectations, and give you tips for making the wedding night and the honeymoon as exciting as it can be–without pressure.
Have I missed anything? Why else may wedding night sex be a flop? Let’s talk in the comments!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
June 11, 2019
10 Things to Know to Plan the Perfect Honeymoon
We’re told our whole lives, “The honeymoon is the most glorious time of your life!”
And so we want to have the perfect honeymoon. It’s part of that whole perfect wedding package–you’ll go off into the sunset with your beloved, and you’ll make mad passionate love and stroll along the beach and gaze into each other’s eyes and everything will be perfect. All so perfect.
But what if it’s not?
In fact, most people report major honeymoon regrets. Not just that, but sex on the honeymoon really isn’t that stellar. When i did my surveys for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I found that about 20% of people had AWESOME sex on their wedding night. Around 20% of people didn’t even have sex, because they got their period or they were exhausted (or someone was too drunk. Big mistake). And then the other 60%? It was just kinda meh.
My own honeymoon left much to be desired! Our introduction to sex was rather disastrous, and it took quite a while to recover from some of that. Nevertheless, we chose the perfect trip that made a lot of those problems not quite so bad.
Us leaving for our honeymoon!
This week Rebecca and I have launched our Honeymoon Course–an awesome package of videos, activities, discussion questions and more that can help you plan the perfect honeymoon for YOU, and also make sure that your married sex life starts off well. My mission is to move far more people into that top 20% tier, so I’m giving people that one big piece of advice to make honeymoon sex much better, plus a lot of practical tips on how to plan the right trip and start sex well.
Today I thought I’d give you 10 things to keep in mind if you want to plan the honeymoon that’s more likely to work for you! And thank you to everyone on Facebook who contributed some great ideas to this post (and many of those ideas made it into the course as well!)
1. Name the aim of your honeymoon
What is the BIG THING you want from your honeymoon? Is it romance? Adventure? A time to destress? Relaxation? Or do you really want to see some major part of the world that you’ve always dreamed about?
Sometimes we think that the honeymoon has to be this big trip, and so we plan something huge–like going to Europe–when if we’re honest, what we really want is just to relax and spend time together getting adjusted to sex.
If sex is new, you likely don’t want to take on a hugely stressful honeymoon! But if you really want adventure and to be busy, then sitting at an all-inclusive resort in Mexico may not give that to you.
One of the best things we did before our honeymoon was talk through expectations beforehand. This helped us alleviate the pressure of performing on that first night together and instead enjoy the time we got to spend. – B.W.
2. Don’t overemphasize the wedding night
We hear it our whole lives–“the wedding night is the most glorious night of your life.” But the wedding night comes after the wedding day, which is the longest day of your life. Many couples are just exhausted on their wedding night, and expecting it to be bliss often leads to disappointment. See the wedding night instead as the beginning of your life together. It doesn’t have to be The Best Night Ever. It’s more like the entrance into this new magical place you’ll be in forever!
That applies to hotels, too. I know people who spend $500 to get the honeymoon suite, but then they don’t arrive back until midnight, and they have to be up at 6:30 to go catch an airplane. It’s almost better to get the luxury suite a few days later, after you’re recovered from the wedding and more comfortable with each other.
Definitely include that having sex on the first night is not some sort of expectation. My counselor said so much trauma could be avoided if couples would remove that “we have to” expectation. It’s totally fine if it takes days or weeks as long as you’re communicating.
Jessica Harris
Blogger, The Beggar's Daughter
3. Make allowances for adjusting to new things–even sex!
Being married is FUN. You’re finally with that person you’ve loved for so long. But even if the change is a great change, all change is still stressful. And for many people, sex is a huge learning curve. Even if you’re not a virgin on your wedding night, sex changes once you’re married. It means something more now.
So give yourself time on your honeymoon to make those adjustments. Don’t schedule yourself so much that you’re exhausted and you don’t have time just to sleep in, whisper under the covers, or enjoy each other. If you have to fly out to your honeymoon destination, consider leaving two days after the wedding, not the next day, to give yourself at least a day to unwind.
Do what feels good and don’t aim to push beyond that if the body isn’t ready for it yet. Progress naturally (over time). Keep snacks around for post workout! – A.H.
4. Remember how tired you’ll be
Even if your wedding goes off without a hitch, it will still be tiring. The adrenaline alone, plus all the anticipation, is likely to make sleep more difficult in the weeks leading up to the wedding. When you’re planning your honeymoon, take that into account. If you have to return to a heavy work or school schedule soon after your honeymoon, then consider taking more of a low-key trip, where you don’t have to change time zones, and ideally you may not even have to get on a plane. You can always do a big trip in a year’s time. For now, do something special that will give you time to destress.
5. Spend your money on the stuff that really matters on your honeymoon
You have a limited budget for the honeymoon. Some of you will want to splurge as much as possible, but others will be tempted to save in as many ways as possible. My suggestion? Figure out what’s important to you, and then spend the money there. Instead of a big trip to Europe, for instance, which you try to do as cheaply as possible to afford it, it may be better to spend the same amount of money on a resort that’s all-inclusive closer to home, so that it’s more relaxing.
6. Plan how you’ll handle meals
If you’re going to go off to a cabin in the woods for a week of isolation, ask yourself: Do I want to cook my own meals for a week? For some of you the answer is a resounding yes! For others, that would make the honeymoon seem like drudgery. If you’re traveling in a way that doesn’t include meals (say you’re doing some bed & breakfasts in your local area, or you’re touring another city), then budget for meals ahead of time. Decide, “We’re going to spend $75 a day on food” or whatever it may be. If you don’t plan for this ahead of time, then every time the bill comes you may feel guilty for spending money. Give yourself permission!
7. Find ways to create memories on your honeymoon
You’re going to want to remember your honeymoon! Take lots of pictures. Start some new rituals. On their honeymoon, my daughter Rebecca and son-in-law Connor started going to cafes with puzzle books. Now, whenever they want to destress in daily life, they head to a cafe with a puzzle book in tow! Our Honeymoon Course has some great ideas on how you can create memories on your honeymoon, or start new traditions that will last a lifetime.
How can you start marriage–and sex–off well?
Honeymoons can be awkward. You’re tired, often stressed, and you’re not always sure what to expect with sex.
The Honeymoon Course can change all that! We’ll help you choose the perfect Custom-Made honeymoon–AND we’ll prep you for fun and intimate sex (including the ONE MINDSHIFT that you need to make honeymoon sex great!)
You’ve spent so long planning the wedding. Put a little bit of time into planning your first few days as husband and wife!
Take me to it!
8. Aim for arousal, not just sex
As we’ve said before, the best way to have great sex on your honeymoon is not to aim for it. Instead of aiming for penetration, make the big goal to ensure that she especially feels aroused. Sometimes we rush so hard to “complete the deed” that we skip that whole arousal part, and then, for far too many women, sex never quite feels right. Sex is something you’ll be enjoying for the rest of your marriage; it’s okay if you start slow. And if you aim for both of you to feel aroused, the penetration part is far easier, too!
Relax. Enjoy each other. Take your time. It will take years to learn what the other one likes. Take that time to make the strongest connection possible with the one you are committing to. Be there with your spouse. – S.N.U.
Commit to starting fresh on your honeymoon
For many newlyweds, sex isn’t new. Or, sex is new for one but not for the other. Once you’re married, though, sex IS new, because now it’s about total commitment and intimacy. It is a fresh start. So commit to that fresh start! Don’t go into marriage thinking, “I know how to turn a woman on,” or “I know what a man wants.” You may know what made previous partners feel good, but if this is the first time with your spouse, then treat it like the first time altogether. Just get to know what your spouse likes, because people do not all like the same thing. Become an expert in your spouse. And commit beforehand to put the baggage of past partners, or sexual shame or guilt behind you. We have exercises in The Honeymoon Course to help you do just that.
Fill your honeymoon days with something other than sex
As much as you may like to, you’re not going to be able to have sex for 24 hours a day, for 7 days straight. You’ll need other things to do! When choosing where to go, then, plan some other activities, like hiking, swimming, or boating. Bring some books along. Even bring along some board games! And if you’re heading to that cabin in the woods, this is even more important. Have Scrabble tournaments at night, or download some Netflix shows before you go. Check out The Honeymoon Course for more ideas!
We spent our honeymoon at my family’s cabin – it was a great trip for two broke students! Our favorite day was a day drive out to Gettysburg to tour the US Civil War battlefield. I know that doesn’t sound romantic, but we got to spend the day together reminiscing on past trips, reviewing the history of the battlefield, and enjoying the memorials around the site. For us, it was perfect. Make time to do what you both love, whatever that is.
Joanna Sawatsky
Researcher , To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Our Honeymoon Course also has packing lists so that you don’t forget anything super important for your honeymoon, along with lots of activities you can do once you’re there.
And we’ll walk you through those 5 honeymoon types to find out which works best for you.
Check the course out! And remember, when you purchase this week you get the launch price of just $29, PLUS we’ll give you our 24 Sexy Dares! And feel free to buy this as a gift for someone you know, too. Just email me after purchase and I’ll get you a gift card you can give to them to sign them up. (And then you can keep the Dares for yourself!).
Let me see the course!
The first few days as husband and wife do matter.
So schedule the things that are important. Spend money on the things that actually matter. And relax. A lot!
What went RIGHT on your honeymoon? What went WRONG? Let’s talk in the comments!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Find Sheila Here:
Facebook
Twitter
Instagram
YouTube
Pinterest
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
June 10, 2019
The Honeymoon Course: Let’s Start Marriage (And Sex) Well!
My wedding night was a big disaster.
Sex hurt; it was awkward; and I felt so guilty about it that I rushed things when we really should have slowed down.
Before I was married I was given a book that was all about how to reach orgasm on your wedding night. It was all, “touch here for 8 minutes, and rub here 237 times…” and so on and so on. It made me a nervous wreck.
And, obviously, it didn’t work.
When I wrote The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I surveyed thousands of women to find out if it was just me. Did everyone else have great sex?
Nope. Now, about 20% of people really did have an amazing time. Another 20% didn’t even consummate because they were exhausted; they had their period; or sex hurt too much. And then the other 60%? It was just kinda meh.
Follow all those people for about 10 years, though, and we tend to even out.
So here’s what I was wondering: Is there a way to short-circuit that and avoid the disappointment and awkwardness? Are there better ways to prepare for your honeymoon–and your marriage–that make it much more likely you’ll be relaxed, you’ll enjoy being sexual, and you’ll have a great time on your trip?
That’s what my new Honeymoon Course is for! Rebecca and I have been working on this for a while, and it’s all ready to go today.
The Honeymoon Course walks engaged couples through two big things:
How to prepare for a great sex life once you’re married
And how to plan the honeymoon trip that suits your budget, your timeline, and your preferences.
Featuring videos, audio downloads, activities, checklists, packing lists, and more, the course is everything couples need to jump into marriage.
This course is great for virgins who are unclear what sex is going to be like–and worried that they’re going to do something wrong, and great for couples who may have had past partners, but want a fresh start now that they’re getting married.
Get ready to start your marriage with a bang with The Honeymoon Course’s Sex Modules:
What sex is: a complete Sex Ed for adults
The 2 common problems that couples get into with sex (and what to do now to minimize their impact)
How to deal with past baggage–whether it’s porn, sex abuse, past partners, or general shame about sex–and how to get a clean slate
Help for choosing the best form of contraception for you (or how to plan for sex if you’d like to embrace natural family planning)
And best of all, the ONE MINDSHIFT that makes honeymoon sex so much better!
And plan the perfect honeymoon for YOU with our Honeymoon Planner:
Choose which of the 5 basic honeymoon types best matches your budget, timeline, personalities, and more
Decide what the aim of your honeymoon is–and make sure you’ve planned the right one to achieve it
Avoid the common travel mistakes that leave people exhausted and grumpy
Make the most of your wedding night (or the few days afterwards!)
And rest assured that you won’t forget anything important with our checklists and packing lists.
Plus we’ve got activities to do on your honeymoon to make memories and help transition to husband and wife!
(We’ve even got 5 new sexy dares for you!
Check out The Honeymoon Course!
No one wants to pay $500 for the honeymoon suite, only to arrive from the reception, exhausted, at midnight, and then have to leave at 6:30 the next morning to catch a flight.
No one wants to tour the Colisseum in Rome, and instead of enjoying the sites, feel grumpy because travel has been stressful and you’re prickly with each other because sex isn’t going well.
And no one wants to sit in a cabin in the woods for a week and wind up bored because no one told you you can’t actually have sex for 24 hours straight.
And no one wants to find out belatedly WHY it’s important to pee after sex, or end up in the emergency room because you didn’t know you can’t use Vaseline as lubricant (it happens!).
Most of all, though, I want people’s transition to married sex to be easy and intimate, with as little pressure as possible.
After over a decade on this blog, I’ve read so much about other people’s stories about how sex got off to a rough start. And I’ve compiled the advice that I wish I could have given these couples beforehand–and that I wish someone had given me.
It would have stopped me from feeling guilty. It would have stopped me from rushing. Most of all, it would have helped me relax enough to figure out how to feel aroused. And that would have started things off much better!
Even if sex isn’t new, though, married sex is. And making that transition when you’re navigating baggage can be tricky. So the course also takes you through how to deal with that baggage, including how to talk to your fiance about things that you may not have opened up about yet. And I’ll take you through how to make sex new once you’re married to the one you love!
The course has:
k
5 Modules
Covering starting with a clean slate, sex ed for adults, planning for honeymoon sex, planning the perfect honeymoon, and honeymoon activities.
12 Lessons
Lessons come in both video and audio format–so you can download if you’d rather listen on the go!
Z
12 Planning Activities
Including couples’ challenges, checklists, packing lists, discussion questions, and more
5 Honeymoon Activities
Lists of fun things to do on your honeymoon, plus 5 sexy dares!
Plus we’ve got information Sheets, including contraception information, hygiene practices to keep sex healthy, when to see the doctor, and more.
And I’m doing an awesome special for launch week for The Honeymoon Course!
Normally the course will be $39, but if you buy it before next Monday at midnight, it’s only $29–PLUS you’ll also get our 24 Sexy Dares, absolutely free.
Now THAT’S a fun way to start your marriage!
The Honeymoon Course also makes a great bridal shower gift!
Pair it with The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and you can bless a young bride. Buy it this week, and we’ll send you a great coupon explaining the course to put inside a card for the bride (or the groom!).
And, hey, if you buy it for them this week, you can even keep the Dares for yourself.
June 7, 2019
Non-Sexual Touch: It’s a Thing and We Need It
Thanks so much to Melt Massage for sponsoring this post!
This past April, the To Love, Honor, and Vacuum team went to Mont Tremblant for a Family Life Marriage conference. Many of us are coming out of seasons of a great deal of change – of the four couples who made it, two have one-year-old daughters, two couples have had cancer diagnoses in the last year, and one couple moved. It’s been a lot. As I wrote about after the event, the retreat was a great way to reconnect and brainstorm ways to make things better.
One major takeaway my staff talked about: a number of them are dedicated to working on non-sexual touch.
And so I figured that if we (who write about marriage and sex for a living) needed the reminder… well… we probably ALL need the reminder.
Intimacy and Non-Sexual Touch
Building marital intimacy is terrifically important. We need to connect as couples, and building our physical intimacy outside of sex is an important way to stay close as a couple. Touch is one of the 5 Love Languages Gary Chapman wrote about. A lot of times when we talk about love languages, we get focused on what our primary love language is, forgetting that while we may have a preferred way to give and receive love, we do actually need all five in our lives. We all realize that our marriages wouldn’t work if we never spend quality time together, but it’s sometimes easy to forget touch, especially touch that isn’t linked to sex.
Making touch a priority will help you feel closer. But too many of us rarely touch unless it’s sexual. So today I’d like to put a plea in for some non-sexual touch, including my absolute very favourite–massage.
Why Massage?
One really great way to incorporate non sexual touch into your marriage is massage. I’ve written before about how it can help you transition from being “on” and in the hurry-scurry of the day to a quieter time for connection, relaxation, and rejuvenation. I know I spend so much time in my head that if we try to jump into making love, I’m often not there yet. But if he massages me for a bit first, I can calm myself down, focus on my body, and be in the moment. And that’s just what I need!
1. Massage is healthy
If an archaeologist looks at the skeleton of an English Longbowman, they will be able to tell you instantly what his profession was. Years of pulling back on a high tension bow built strong muscles but also had impact on bone. The same goes for women in ancient Mesopotamia who ground wheat into flour. Our professions affect our bodies.
As we go through our lives, whatever our profession, tension and stress get held in our muscles. Giving ourselves the opportunity to relax is so very, very important. Working together to use massage to take care of your physical selves together is a wonderful way to connect AND be good stewards. It’s an excellent win-win.
For me, massage is essential if I’m going to stay pain-free. I work all day at a computer, and even though I’m trying to repair my posture, and I’m working out more, and stretching, my neck and upper back just get a lot of strain since I’m always looking down. Increasingly Keith’s finding that, too. He threw his back out terribly recently when driving our RV back home from Louisiana, and now he has started needing regular massage, too! After a relaxing massage, I often find my shoulders have a greater range of motion. It’s so fun just to circle my arms afterwards and realize, “Hey! They can go back a lot further again!” It really does work.
2. Massage is intimate
Even when you’re not making love, touching someone when they’re naked is intimate. It just is! And if you’ve been having issues with sex, this is a great way to break through that barrier and connect with each other again. I also find that it’s the best way of really knowing each other’s bodies. Sure, you touch when you’re making love, but for massage, you actually study the muscles. You know where the tension points are. You learn all the little freckles they have (and it’s a good way to keep track of freckles, too, by the way, and watch for skin cancer!). Your hands know every bump.
When there’s been tension in your sex life, or your emotional life, massaging and touching one another helps you feel good, builds endorphins, and then makes it much easier to tackle those other issues or break down barriers so sex is more natural again.
3. Massage is better if you know what you’re doing
When Keith and first started massaging each other, we would go right for the tension points, and just rub them like crazy. We thought that was what you were supposed to do. But then I started going to a professional masseuse, and they did these long strokes instead first. When I watched the MELT Massage Video course, it all made sense. Going right for the tension points can aggravate the muscle. You need to relax the muscle, and that’s quite different. So since taking the MELT course, we’ve totally changed our technique, and it works so much better!
A lot of people don’t like giving massages because they don’t know where to start, but the MELT course takes you step by step through massage. You watch a five-minute video a night, learning one technique that you can put into practice right away (like those long, lovely strokes!), and then by the end of the videos you have a routine you can do. So you don’t feel quite like a fish out of water anymore.
One of my assistants, Joanna, made similar mistakes early in her marriage. Here’s her experience:
My husband worked construction every summer for the first several years of our marriage to put himself through school. It was long, gruelling work, and a hard work environment, to boot. He’d come home and I’d often give him a massage after our dinner. It made a huge difference to him that I’d looked up a number of tutorials on how to give massage. I’m no Registered Massage Therapist, but having a few tricks up my sleeve made me much more effective. Additionally, massage can be dangerous if you don’t know what you’re doing – especially when it comes to the spine. Knowing my limits made me more confident and I was able to be a better spouse to my husband in the midst of our newlywed days.
4. Massage is better if you have the right tools
You can absolutely do a massage without any lotion or oils, but it often feels better to include one. Oils, balms, and lotions give you the ability to glide across the body more easily and prevent skidding or pinching the skin. Additionally, using a lubricant also means that you are applying a moisturizer, which is definitely something we can all use.
Here’s something I’m so excited about:
MELT Massage has some lovely massage oils available now–natural oils that make massage feel great. But when you buy these oils, you get access to MELT Massage, for one month, for free! This is the cheapest MELT Massage has ever been. They’ve gone to a membership site now, at $9.95 a month. But with the massage oils, you get your first month free.
You have to enter your credit card number, but it’s easy to cancel the subscription (and Denis tells you how when you sign up).
Order now, and you can get your oils and a free massage class right in time for Father’s Day!
Shipping is free with Amazon Prime within the U.S. I ordered to Canada, and it still came really quickly. You get a 16 oz bottle of the massage oil, plus a travel size bottle you can fill to take with you on romantic weekends. The oil is also Cold Pressed Sweet Almond Oil, and can be repurposed for many other uses, not just massage. Just add some essential oils, and it can be whatever you want it to be! So pamper him on Father’s Day with the oils and the videos, but if you need almond oil for other things, you’ve also got it. It’s a win-win!
Just order the oils, and then register for your class!
3. Massage lets you serve each other
It feels amazing to give your spouse a massage and watch the weight of the world fall from their shoulders. (Obviously it also feels amazing to receive a massage too!) I really appreciate massages from my husband since I often get ticklish when an actual massage therapist works on me. While a massage therapist has to be able to massage anyone, you get the added benefit of being able to focus solely on what your spouse prefers (and Keith knows where I’m ALWAYS sore!) Spending time together to do massages in the house is also a really inexpensive date night!
We’re staying in a hotel in downtown Toronto right now as Keith is attending a big Canadian Pediatrics Conference, and I brought our massage oils with us, ready to plan a big massage night tonight.
Outside our old stomping grounds at Nathan Phillips Square in Toronto!
If you feel distant, like you haven’t connected in a while, maybe it’s time to try touching each other? And if you want to add some luxury to your sex life, massage is the way to go!
The oils, waiting on our hotel room bed
Check out the oils now. They’re wonderful, and it’s your chance to access the massage videos for free (Denis will likely never do this low a price again!). Just buy the oils, and then head over here and register for the class.
I hope you’ll have as much fun as we have!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Find Sheila Here:
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Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
June 6, 2019
PODCAST: Keith Jokes Around, Awkward Newlyweds, and More!
Keith’s joining me for part of today’s To Love, Honor and Vacuum podcast!
A number of you said that you wanted to hear more from him, so we decided to record at night when he was home. You’ll get a sense of what we’re like together–we were kind of joking around a bit. I hope you all will listen, but if you don’t have time, I’ll have some links and rabbit trails below so you can read all you want as well!
And consider this podcast “extras”. If you want to go deeper into what I talked about in the podcast, here are some more things to help you.
But first, here’s the podcast:
Main Segment: How to Use the Five Whys
I wanted to talk about yesterday’s post–using the 5 whys to uncover the root of marriage problems. We shared some of the issues we’ve had in marriage, and how we found the root. And we talked about how we grew apart, and also how we figured out how to stay connected, even if we were often in different cities.
I go into both of these things in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, too!
What’s holding you back from a GREAT marriage?
Do you find yourselves taking each other for granted?
Has marriage lost that “spark”?
Learn how to feel connected again–and how changing the way you THINK about marriage can make all the difference.
Take me to it!
Reader Question: I’m a Newlywed, and Sex Isn’t Going Very Well
I shared this question from a lovely young woman:
I have been reading your blog off and on since getting married and read your book ‘Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex’ and so I figure the following questions I have are not going to be too awkward for you to handle. It took us two weeks to go ‘all the way’ because my muscles were tighter than the security at Fort Knox. 2 days into marriage I called my mom-age nurse friend whom I had been told to call if we had questions. She told my husband how to manually stretch me to allow for intercourse.
It wasn’t fun, but once again showed me that my husband loved me and was willing to work and fight for me.
Now we’re kinda stuck again in our sex life. We understand the longer we’re married the more we’ll grow in these areas, but it feels like we’ve plateaued. I’m loose enough for intercourse, but still not very loose. We can only do the missionary position, any other experimenting causes pain. I’d really like to experiment with some other positions because I think it may end up having sex more pleasurable for me in particular. My husband has only hit my ‘spot’ a couple of times, and it felt great, but we’ve never managed to coordinate enough to bring me to orgasm. And, we’ve never managed to get more than half of him inside of me.
Second of all, my dear husband has a hard time staying stiff. I love to get him all excited, but it seems like he can’t stay stiff for very long at all, and if it’s a day that I’m more tight, it’s just a bad combination. More foreplay helps me loosen up, but unfortunately it has the same affect on my husband most of the time. My husband gets very discouraged because he can’t figure out how to work through these issues his body is experiencing and I get very discouraged because it seems like as his wife I should be able to excite him enough to stay stiff. Travel and work stress also make him less able to stay stiff, and the last thing I want is for him to feel inadequate just because his body isn’t up for it.
Wow! Lots of issues there. I answered in the podcast what their next steps should be–basically, she needs to see a pelvic floor physiotherapist, and he should likely see a doctor (and also make sure there’s not porn issues at play). But the big thing I want people to know is that after you’ve been married for a few months, if sex still isn’t working, it is okay to ask for help from professionals. It really is!
Comment: I Finally Understood Why Some Think that the Man Has to be in Charge
I thought I’d talk this week about a Twitter conversation I got in to that was very enlightening. It all started from a tweet I put up that went rather viral (Al Mohler is a leader in the Southern Baptist Convention and the president of the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary).
With all due respect Dr. Mohler, I never thought I would see the day that the @HoustonChron uncovered horrible enabling of child sex abuse by the IMB—and then on that day you decided the biggest threat to your denomination was women. https://t.co/XmMvjtfy7b
— SheilaGregoire (@sheilagregoire) May 31, 2019
I had a number of conversations result from that tweet and several like it, and with one man I was talking about how God’s aim is that we follow His will. So I said to him: If, in marriage, the husband wants A, and the wife wants B, but B is definitely God’s will and the wife knows it, what should she do? He reiterated that she should do A. But what was so interesting was WHY. I had never understood this before, but he said that she should do A because it’s impossible to know God’s will because God doesn’t speak to us anymore.
He only speaks to individuals very rarely. And that’s why he put authority structures in place for us to follow.
Wow. What a breakthrough. I feel like I finally understand where some are coming from. I asked him for chapter and verse on how God doesn’t speak to us anymore, which of course he couldn’t provide (and there are many, many telling us that we can discern God’s voice and discern God’s will), but I finally understood.
So I thought I’d talk in this podcast about how I hear God’s voice, and about how the idea that you CAN’T hear God’s voice is really where bad marriage theology comes from (and likely where that terrible list of 98 sins that you can commit against your husband comes from, too).
Plus I featured a brilliant comment by EM, left earlier this week:
Having your spouse be disappointed in you is hard. It hurts. But if you tell wives they are sinning for expressing their hurts, you guarantee that her husband will not mature. And if you tell him that he is being godly for acting that way, it is practically hopeless. He may not become abusive, but you have stunted his personal growth. It’s like this whole movement was created to shield men’s fragile egos.
Great comment!
It was fun having Keith join me. Rebecca didn’t this week–too much going on in her life. But tell me what you’d like to hear about from Keith and maybe we’ll talk about it next time.
Author
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Sheila's Best Posts
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
June 5, 2019
Finding the Root Cause of Marriage Problems Using the 5 Whys
Why are you feeling distant in your marriage?
What if asking “why” five times in a row, based on the answers you were given, could reveal the root problem?
Lately I’ve been critiquing the way that some churches do marriage counseling. I want to get away from the criticisms now and try to build up. So for the month of June, my Wednesday series is all going to be about practical ways we can get to the heart of our marriage issues and grow our marriages! I’ve got my Honeymoon Course launching next Monday to help couples start their marriages well, but I want to help even marriage veterans build their marriages and uncover the root of problems.
Today, for our first post in the series, I want to talk about The Five Whys method and apply it to marriage.
The Five Why method (some people use the 7 whys, because they’re over-achievers) was started by Toyota in the 1950s to identify problems with their assembly lines.
Here’s how it works: You start with the main problem that you’re experiencing, and then you ask, “Why is this happening?” Once you’ve uncovered the reason, you ask why THAT is happening. And you do this five times. This helps to uncover the real problem that is causing all the others.
Here’s an example of the Five Whys from industry:
From Start Up Lessons Learned: The Five Whys
Let’s say you notice that your website is down. Obviously, your first priority is to get it back up. But as soon as the crisis is past, you have the discipline to have a post-mortem in which you start asking why:
why was the website down? The CPU utilization on all our front-end servers went to 100%
why did the CPU usage spike? A new bit of code contained an infinite loop!
why did that code get written? So-and-so made a mistake
why did his mistake get checked in? He didn’t write a unit test for the feature
why didn’t he write a unit test? He’s a new employee, and he was not properly trained in TDD
The benefit of the 5 why method is that you might start out with one type of problem, but then realize that the root of it is an entirely different issue.
In this case, it originally looked like a technical issue. But as they looked deeper, it turns out that it was a training issue, which is a human resources issue.
The strength of the 5 whys method is that it helps you make changes that address the root problems.
Instead of just putting a band-aid on to try to stop the bleeding, you figure out why someone is bleeding in the first place. And then you take concrete steps to solve it.
So now let’s apply the 5 Whys to marriage problems!
I’m going to give a bunch of different examples so that you can see how this may work for you.
Why do we always fight so much in the morning and start our days off grumpy?
Because our mornings are chaos
Why is it in chaos?
Because the children don’t get up on time, and can’t find their homework, and the laundry isn’t done and nobody has clean underwear, and there’s nothing to make for lunches.
Why does this all happen?
Because there’s no routine the night before to get things ready.
Why is there no routine?
Because we’re spending our nights on Netflix and time wasters.
Why are we spending time on time wasters?
Because….
At this point there may be a whole number of reasons! It could be:
Because we’re lazy
Because we’ve never talked about how to have a good routine to get things ready
Because we’re so emotionally exhausted from our jobs that we need to do absolutely nothing
Because the kids are so crazy at night and so badly behaved that we’re depressed
And so on. And all of that could lead to very different solutions. But once you’ve identified which one it is, now you can make some plans!
If it’s because you’ve never actually talked about how to make a good routine, you could do that. You could figure out when to go grocery shopping, how to get the laundry done, and you could get the kids involved in getting their homework ready and their lunches ready before they go to bed.
If it’s that you’re so emotionally exhausted from your jobs, you could make plans to get different jobs.
If it’s because the kids are badly behaved, you could seek out some help to deal with their behaviour issues.
The point is that once you’ve revealed the root of the problem, you can now make plans to fix it!
Do you have a hard time asking for what you want?
You can change the dynamic in your marriage and make talking about your own needs easier!
If your marriage is in a communication rut, it’s time for some change.
Take me to it!
Here’s another issue:
Why do we have sex so infrequently?
Because when he asks it’s not a good time.
Why is it not a good time?
Because he often comes to bed after she’s already asleep.
Why does he come to bed later?
Because he’s not ready to go to bed when she is.
Why is he not ready to go to bed when she is?
Because he’s been playing video games and has adjusted his body clock to sleeping at hours opposite from the family.
Why has he slept at weird hours?
Because he isn’t with the family schedule because he doesn’t spend time with the kids.
He’s never been involved in getting the kids up in the morning, which would require him to get up earlier (and thus go to bed earlier). He’s left the parenting to her, and she has accepted that. Once this is revealed, they could talk about how to get him more involved with the family, which could also lead to him sleeping at a better schedule!
But that same first question–why do we have sex so infrequently–could also lead to very different results.
Why do we have sex so infrequently?
Because whenever he asks she’s in the middle of the something.
Why is she always in the middle of something?
Because she spends her evenings on her own interests.
Why does she spend her evenings on her own interests?
Because she doesn’t have any other time to herself during the day.
Why does she not have any time to herself?
Because her time is consumed with work and children’s activities.
Why is her time consumed with children’s activities?
Because she has overscheduled her kids and hasn’t prioritized her own mental health or her marriage.
Now, it may not be as black and white as both of these examples, where it was obviously one person’s fault. But you can see how asking why can help you get to the root of the issue. In fact, it may be worth asking having the “Why” branch out–maybe the reason they don’t spend the evenings together is partly her issue and partly his issue, and if they each answer their own why questions they may find ways that both of them need to change (and indeed, that’s far more likely!).
Here’s one more very different example:
Why is she constantly disappointed in her husband and dissatisfied in their marriage?
Because she feels upset that he doesn’t lead in devotions; he’s not decisive; and he’s not overly ambitious at work.
Why do these things bother her?
Because that means that he’s not a good Christian husband.
Why does this mean he’s not a good Christian husband?
Because the sermons and the Bible studies at church teach that a Christian husband is a hyper-masculine alpha male.
Why does her church believe these things?
Because the church sees marriage as a set of roles rather than as a partnership between two individuals.
Why does the church see marriage as a set of roles?
Because the church is not a healthy one.
So you can see how they start out with one problem–she feels dissatisfied and criticizes a lot–and they uncover that the root is that they’re steeped in a culture that is working directly against the health of their marriage.
They may have thought the problem was one thing, but it’s actually something quite different.
That’s how the Five Whys method can work for your marriage–ask questions and see if you can uncover the real problem.
If the problem really is a surface-level problem, the questions will show that, too. But what these questions can do is help shift us as couples from an aggressive stance to a problem-solving stance.
What so much Christian marriage counselling seems to forget is that God made you uniquely you for a reason–and the same goes for your spouse! You two together have your own individual calling as a couple, and your own individual giftings and strengths as individuals. And that’s something to celebrate! And that’s why this month I’m focusing on giving practical advice that works in a variety of marriage situations, because many of you (or your marriages) have been put into boxes based on stereotypes that were never what God intended for you.
So practice working together for the common good in your particular circumstance. Marriage should be a practice of “spur[ring] each other on towards love and good deeds” (Hebrews 10:24), so when a problem comes up, work together to find the real underlying issue so you can fix it together and help each other grow.
What do you think? Have you ever tried something like this? How did it work? Let us know in the comments!
Like this post so far? You should also check out:
How to Talk So Your Husband Will Hear
My Husband Doesn’t Understand Me
Author
Social Media
Sheila's Best Posts
Books
Courses
Freebie
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
June 4, 2019
98 Ways Women Can Sin Against their Husbands–Without Knowing It
Sometimes marriage counselling goes very, very badly–especially if it’s focused on making sure women don’t sin against their husbands, rather than focused on building oneness and intimacy.
Allow me to tell a story that unfolded last week and took a ton of my emotional energy.
An anonymous person shared on Twitter screen shots of a handout that she had received when seeking marriage counseling at one of the main campuses at Harvest Bible Chapel in Chicago very recently. That document listed 98 ways–yes, 98–that a woman could sin against her husband, along with a scorecard where she could rate herself, and ask her husband to rate her. The husband was not given anything equivalent.
To say it mildly, these documents are highly offensive and off-putting, as well as rather worthy of ridicule (and many Twitter users partook of that entertainment). But in the course of the day, other documents were shared from other churches which were quite similar.
Last week we recorded a podcast about these lists, and I encourage you to listen in! But for today, I wanted to make sure that there was a thorough post written looking at the lists. So I’m sorry if I’m repeating some of the podcast, but this is important enough that it needs to be written out!
Where did these lists come from?
They were originally compiled by Faith Bible Counseling in Lafayette, and put in the approved Homework Bank for the Soul Care ministry at Harvest Bible Chapel. The source of them is Wayne Mack’s 1980 book A Homework Manual for Biblical Living Vol. 2 Family and Marital Problems. You can find iterations of the lists online, many updated, used by different churches. The Biblical Counseling Center has produced updated versions of these lists, including the new LOG List of 100 sins for Wives/Mothers. While there is an equivalent list for men, it hasn’t been formatted and I can’t find it anywhere, while the LOG List is up on the homework page at Living Hope Church, for instance, without the husband’s list accompanying it.
Picture the scenario here. A couple is having marriage problems.
So they seek out marriage counseling–which then accuses the wife of committing these 100 sins. How would you feel if you went to marriage counseling like that? Especially when so much abuse is present in the church, can you see why this is problematic (and why I wrote those series of posts explaining my concerns with biblical counseling)?
Incidentally, it wouldn’t even be okay if they DID hand out an equivalent list for husbands, because reading a list of 100 sins is overwhelming and counterproductive. Expressing what you need from each other and how the other can meet those needs is much more helpful.
But let’s look at some of these sins she may commit in greater detail. To make this easier, I’m going to refer to the documents like this (the first three are in the same download). You can download them below, but it’s not necessary unless you want to fret and get angry and make your blood pressure worse. And I’ll be referring to them in this post, so you’ll get a gist of them regardless.
A. Handout from Harvest: Scorecard for Wives
B. Handout from Harvest: Practical Ways to Show Your Husband Love
C. Common Ways in Which Wives Sin Against their Husbands
D. Log List of 100 sins of the Wife/Mother (from BiblicalCounselingCenter.org, downloaded from Living Hope Church)
E. Scorecard for Husbands (Downloaded from Faith Bible Counseling)
Now, here are 10 themes of the ways that women can sin against their husbands that I managed to pull out of these documents:
1. She shouldn’t get her feelings hurt.
One of the 98 sins is this one (C):
I get my feelings hurt very easily. (I am sensitive because of my pride).
Let’s remember that, when seeking marriage counseling, chances are that the reason that you’re going is because your feelings are hurt. By saying that this is a sin, then it’s saying that it’s not about what he’s doing; the real problem is what she’s feeling. If she would just stop being hurt (which is, of course, because she’s prideful) then they wouldn’t need counseling at all.
2. She had better walk a very, very fine line–or she’s in sin! But we won’t tell you where that line is.
Do you keep yourself attractive (though not offensively so) in appearance in order that your husband may be glad to have everyone know you are his wife? (A4)
Got it. So I’m to be attractive–but not offensively so. What, exactly, is offensively attractive? Is it if you have too large a bust? Is it if you’re too beautiful? If you have a nose ring? If you have cleavage showing? It doesn’t say, so women have to figure this out for themselves And it’s important, remember, because we’ll be scored on our ability to walk that line!
Here’s another example (C):
I’m a perfectionist about my housekeeping.
I’m a poor housekeeper, and do not take proper care in the appearance of our home.
So the house should be attractive, but I guess not offensively so, either. (By the way, I agree that both extremes are wrong. I just have a big problem with a document like this laying blame on a woman where she’s damned if she does and damned if she doesn’t, without helping her sort it out at all).
And here’s yet another one (A6&7):
Are you willing to let your husband have his own way and the last word when you disagree?
Do you avoid making a fuss over trifles and solve minor problems that you should handle alone?
So she has to let him make the decisions, but she shouldn’t bother him with minor things. So who decides which is which? What if they disagree? It’s quite a pickle, isn’t it?
Could you be SINNING against your HUSBAND in one of these 98 ways?!? A crazy scorecard for wives that biblical counseling ministries are using
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3. She had better satisfy him sexually and not expect to be satisfied sexually herself.
You might be in sin if:
I often refuse to have sexual relations and rarely initiate them. Most of the time I am only interested in my own sexual needs. (C)
You show love to your husband by:
Remembering that the purpose of the sexual relationship is to meet the needs of your husband. (B)
And then add to both of this sin:
I sometimes feel depressed and unsatisfied with our sexual relations. (D37)
So she isn’t supposed to think of her own needs, she’s supposed to see sex as only for him, BUT it’s also suspect if she’s unsatisfied. As I’ve written recently, the most sexually deprived people in church on a Sunday morning are not men; they’re women. The rate of orgasm among married women is quite low. In my book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, only 18% report always having an orgasm during a sexual encounter. On the other hand, men nearly always do. So even if women don’t make love as often as men would like, men are still receiving orgasm far more than women are.
Perhaps the reason that women don’t want sex is because we’ve been taught our whole lives that sex is about his physical release; that if we don’t have sex, he’ll have an affair (which makes us feel used and kills our libidos); that we don’t have sexual needs ourselves; and that sex consists of intercourse until he climaxes. Seriously, the way we think of sex, her sexual satisfaction is an afterthought. That’s why I believe that we need to change how we talk about sex so that it’s not about them achieving intercourse, but rather about them feeling close and feeling aroused. BOTH of them.
Like this post so far? You should also check out these posts on lopsided views of sex:
Pastors: Enough with the “Boys Will Be Boys”
How Love & Respect Gets Sex Horribly Wrong
4. She had better not struggle with depression, or ever feel any emotion other than happiness.
I give in to depression or X rather than trying to fight it. (C)
Here’s another one:
I usually don’t attend church with a joyful spirit. (C)
So having spiritual doubts or troubles is now a sin against your husband (wonder how that reflects on the Psalms?)
In my posts about biblical counseling, I was talking about how the movement’s approach to mental illness is a huge red flag. They tend to hold that all mental illness and anxiety is due to lack of faith and lack of spiritual understanding rather than a biological problem or the result of trauma (such as abuse). If you are struggling with depression, then, and you see a biblical counselor like this, you’re told that it is your fault because your faith is not strong enough, and this is a sin. So now not only are you depressed; you feel guilt and shame, too!
Related Posts:
10 Questions to Ask Biblical Counselors to Ensure They’re Safe
On Rachael Denhollander & the Problems with Biblical Counseling
5. She must only ever focus on keeping the home and the kids (ie not work outside the house), oh, and she should use cloth napkins.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with the dad-breadwinner-stay-at-home-mom arrangement (I did this for years, though I always earned some income from home as well), but not everyone does it or can do it. I know many physicians’ families where the wife works and the husband takes care of the kids. I know other families where they have a family business together (including my daughter Rebecca and her husband Connor). But these materials assume that the correct way of doing things is for the husband to work outside the home and earn all the money.
And what should the wife do?
Here are a few things:
So meals should be attractive (I wonder if they could be offensively attractive as well?)
And you should make sure that you use tablecloths and paper napkins and serve your husband first.
And the husband’s responsibility?
Helping wash and dry dishes at least twice a week (E6)
So the dishes are her responsibility, but he’s being loving if he helps her and now and then.
And then there’s the garbage (which she shouldn’t grumble about):
I grumble about gathering up the trash so he can carry it out. (D35)
He’s carrying it from the garage to the sidewalk, after all!
By the way–we use cloth napkins. I don’t like the waste of paper ones. And sometimes I do get the tablecloth out. But this shouldn’t be the prerequisites for a happy marriage! And what the heck is this doing in a handout for marriage counseling?
6. The house is his castle–and don’t you forget it!
Does anyone find that a weird way to talk about the family home? Let’s remember, too, that if this is a castle, he is the king. But you’re not the queen, because queens don’t look after the castle. You’re merely a servant, which actually goes well with this concept:
7. The family money is his, too, since he earned it.
The way these documents talk about money is really creepy. Even in the updated Scorecard for Husbands from Faith Biblical Counseling, the husband is asked:
Do I handle the finances responsibly?
Do I give her money to spend as she wishes?
So HE has to give HER money–it’s not THEIR money where she’s assumed to have equal access.
RELATED POSTS:
Help! My Husband Doesn’t Let Me Have Any Money
10 Reasons Couples Should Share Finances
8. He can choose to help her with the kids, but she had better not expect it of him.
In fact, it’s a sin if she finds parenting tiring.
I allow the baby’s crying to make me irritable (D34)
If she’s tired, she has to look after the kids. But if he’s tired, he gets a pass:
I expect him to spend a lot of times in the evening with the children, even if he is very, very tired (D32).
My biggest problem with this: CHILDREN ARE NOT A CHORE. They are people–people who need both of their parents. While it’s okay if housework is done by one person, it should always be the expectation that BOTH parents will be actively involved with the kids whenever they can be.
Parenting is exhausting, especially for mothers who tend to do the middle of the night work more. Just because you’re tired doesn’t mean you get out of reading the kids a bedtime story.
9. He needs to make the decisions, and she needs to honour that.
This is likely the most common theme that crops up, over and over again, in all the documents. We read it’s a sin if:
I make decisions without first asking you for guidance. (C)
And on the scorecard for wives:
Are you willing to let your husband make the decisions and have the last word when you disagree?
I demolished the argument that biblical submission means that husbands win in the case of ties here.
What Does It Mean to Obey Like Sarah?
10. She should make sure he’s the centre of attention.
Finally, the home, and even the dinner conversations, should reflect the husband and his wishes.
This one is so important they’ve even underlined it: family conversation should be about HIM.
In fact, that’s what all of these instructions and questions lead up to: the husband should have an easy, convenient life, while the wife ensures she follows him, caters to his every whim, and does not upset him.
I have a better idea. Let’s all just love Jesus and love each other.
Every relationship will look different, because we are all unique. We have unique personalities, unique giftings, unique circumstances. We don’t have to look like one another. What we do need to do is love God, listen to Him, and then love our spouse–which involves both loving mercy and acting justly.
Seriously, if we focus on those things–love, by showing mercy and also pointing them to Jesus by standing up for what’s right–we’ll all be fine. And you can do that whether you’re a man or a woman or a girl or a boy or a HUMAN.
If you go for marriage counseling, and your church tries to get you to examine 98 ways that you may be in sin, while your husband does not have to do the equivalent, and if your ways of sinning are simply not accurate or right, then understand: this marriage counseling is not safe.
And chances are the church that promotes it is not safe, either.
Walk away. Find a real body of Christ that promotes everyone’s dignity and worth as being made in the image of God.
And if you’re struggling with understanding all of this, my book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage will show you how many of these things we’re taught in church don’t contribute to intimacy at all, and aren’t even biblical. Let’s look for the better way!
Are you GOOD or are you NICE?
Because the difference matters!
God calls us to be GOOD, yet too often we’re busy being nice. And sometimes, in marriage, that can actually cause problems to be even more entrenched.
What if there’s a better way?
Take me to it!
Again, if you want to hear us talking about these lists, please listen in to the podcast from last week. I’m sorry to cover the same ground twice, but I wanted to create a central database for this information where it was written out, so that people could link to it.
But in the meantime, What do you think? Anything jump out at you? Let’s talk in the comments!
PS: Just a few creepy things in the documents to notice, too.
Several of the lists for husbands that I found said that he can show love to his wife by giving a wolf whistle or patting her “on the fanny”. It makes me wonder if women vetted any of this.
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
June 3, 2019
Getting Ready for Sex in Marriage–and Not Being Offensively Attractive
How do you get ready for sex in marriage?
Instead of doing a typical post today, I have a few quick things that I want to share. First, do we set too high expectations for the wedding night? Why is sex often so difficult early on for so many couples?
I sat down with Travis from Practical Christian Podcast for a podcast that was super fun. I thought you all may want to listen!
And I’m having a lot of fun putting the finishing touches on our Honeymoon Course that I’m launching next week. The videos are much more in-depth than I originally planned, but once I started talking there was so much to say! So it’s a great course, and I look forward to showing it to you.
Are you offensively attractive?
Next, we had way too much fun recording our own podcast last week, where Connor (my son-in-law), Rebecca (my daughter) and I all jumped on at the same time to talk about that notorious list of 98 ways women may be sinning against their husbands, along with that scorecard for wives. So far the feedback from the podcast has been great, and if you haven’t listened in yet, this would be a great one to start with.
Anyway, I shared the podcast on Facebook and it got quite a lot of interest. But one of the themes that kept coming up in the comments was that question: “What exactly does being offensively attractive mean?” Because in the scorecard for wives, we were supposed to be attractive, but not offensively so. It got picked up on a lot on Facebook!
Natalie on Facebook got so carried away she actually created T-shirts of it.
You can see all the permutations here! But I just thought that was too funny and I had to share. Sometimes my readers really make me laugh. And you have to laugh at this stuff or you really would cry.
Again, if you haven’t listened to the podcast, this is a great one to start with!
Would you like to hear more from Connor (or from Keith?)
One of my favourite bits of the podcast last week was just hearing Rebecca and Connor interacting. It honestly was a picture of what marriage should look like. I’m thinking of trying to include my husband on some podcasts, just so you all can get to know him. He gets so riled up when I tell him about the stuff that’s being debated on the blog, and I thought sometimes you may all like to hear from him. Any thoughts on that one?
Super Quick Reader Question: Is it reasonable for my husband to want to have sex 2-3 times a day?
Okay, I usually answer a reader question on Mondays, and here’s a quick one I can do. I had a woman write in saying this:
Reader Question
During dating we discussed frequency expectations. We both agreed that 3-4 times a week would be a reasonable expectation with it understood that right around childbirth would change that temporarily.
Very, very quickly into marriage I realized a couple things. First, I love sex with him. It’s amazing, and when it’s 3-4 times a week, I nearly always get amazing orgasms. But, he desires sex waaaaay more! Like, 2-3 times a day. He never, ever would force himself on me, but he gets very downhearted at my ‘lack of desire’. It was manageable up until the baby. I would spend a lot of my day thinking about sex, and working hard to get myself into the mood, and we did it on a daily basis for many stretches of months.
However, with a baby I just don’t have the time to think about sex that much.It’s a huge struggle for me to be interested in sex more than every other day. But, my hubby’s desire seems to be even more intense post-baby than it was pre-baby.
He still agrees that he doesn’t want sex to become all about him. He wants me to want it, and to orgasm regularly from it. But, he also wants it, like ALL the time. It’s becoming such an issue for me. I really would like to be able to just get affection from him, especially after a hard day with the baby, but any cuddling always leads to him asking for sex and being visibly disappointed if I say “Please not just now.” It doesn’t seem to help if I say “I’m really tired tonight, can we plan for tomorrow morning?” If I suggest another time, 99% of the time, we go through with it. But he’s still really disappointed and upset. How should I handle this?
Now, obviously there isn’t a magic number for how often a couple SHOULD be having sex. I will say that more frequently is generally better, but it depends on stage of life, shift work, libidos, etc.
In this case, though, when they’re making love 3-4 times a week still, but he’s very disappointed when she doesn’t want to, even if she gives a rain check (and follows through), then he is not being giving to her. I conversed more with her back and forth, and feeling antsy if you don’t get sex 2-3 times a day is not normal. Let’s remember that self-control is a fruit of the Spirit! And giving your wife some affection and love after a baby comes, and looking out for her welfare (including her need to sleep and recover) is part of being married.
This is not a woman who is denying sex; this is a man with both an abnormally high sex drive and a seeming inability to put his own needs aside for the sake of his wife and baby. And in that case, I’d say that counseling is important to get to the root issue, because this may be a sex addiction situation.
Sometimes women write in and I think, “does she realize that that’s not normal?” Because we don’t talk about these things in detail with friends, do we? But a husband not being able to control his disappointment and getting testy even when he’s getting sex frequently by a woman who really wants it and is sexually responsive–well, that is a red flag to me. So I hope that we can talk about these things more openly so that we can see red flags when they pop up! Otherwise we don’t always have a good idea what normal is. Here’s a post that goes over some frequent red flags for sex and marriage.
Okay, that’s it for today! I’ve got to write two posts for tomorrow–a big one for this blog on that list of sins for wives, and a shorter one for Julie Roys’ blog on the origin of that document. And I’ve got to finish the course! But in the meantime, let me know what you think about Connor and Keith being on the podcast! Or if you have any other thoughts, let me know them, too.
Learn Great Sex Tips!
10 Ways to Make Sex Feel Amazing for Him
How to Find a Safe Place to Learn More About Sex
31 Days to Great Sex Challenge
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Find Sheila Here:
Facebook
Twitter
Instagram
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Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
The Best 31 Days of Your Marriage!
Read a few pages. Do what it says. Have incredible fun!
Learn to talk more, flirt more, and even explore more! You'll work on how to connect emotionally, spiritually, AND physically. And the ebook version is only $4.99!
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May 31, 2019
When Your Wedding Goes Wrong
Weddings are stressful.
And how can they not be? The day of the wedding is the day we go from being a “Me” to being and “Us.” Weddings are exciting, terrifying, joyous, and stressful all at the same time, and we place so much pressure on the wedding day. But sometimes things don’t all go right.
In fact sometimes everything seems to go terribly wrong.
That is what our guest, Michelle Foster is going to be talking about today. She is going to share the story of how everything seemed to fall apart before her wedding, and how she and her husband coped with that and recovered. Rebecca and I are working on the Honeymoon Course that we’re releasing on June 10, and so we’ve been thinking a LOT about weddings. And we just loved Michelle’s story, and her perspective.
Here’s Michelle:
It started about 10 days before our wedding.
I had a sore throat and noticed some junk in the back of my throat. I decided to play it safe and went to urgent care, where they gave me some antibiotics, as they presumed it was strep.
Great, strep throat 10 days before my wedding. At least it would clear up before the big day, I hoped.
That time was also the busiest time of my semester as a campus missionary.
The craziness of fall push left me exhausted and burnt out at every turn. Add in some significant conflict with the man I was going to marry, and you could say I was run down.
By the time the Tuesday before my wedding came around, I was ready to be with two of my best friends/bridesmaids and simply rest and be taken care of. Mind you, my throat issues hadn’t gone away. When we got to my parents’ house, I talked with my bridesmaid, who happens to be a nurse, about my sickness and we decided it would be best for me to head to urgent care for another visit, as it seemed strange my symptoms hadn’t gone away.
Strep test: negative. Mono: positive.
Awesome. Diagnosed with mono 3 days before my wedding. No wonder I had felt so exhausted the past couple weeks.
But of course it didn’t end there.
Literally a few hours later, a rash developed over my entire body – legs, arms, torso, everything.
That’s what you want – a rash covering your entire body on the day you will probably have the most pictures of you taken…ever. Add to that the name on your cake is spelled wrong and two groomsmen don’t have the vests they need.
Commence the meltdown. Why is everything going wrong? I’m exhausted and worn down and discouraged.
The day before our wedding, we checked the weather and realized that the outdoor by-the-river wedding we had dreamed of might not be able to be a reality. Just another thing added to the list. Each new issue felt like a punch to the stomach. I sobbed in the arms of my fiancé, mourning the loss of the dream wedding I had been picturing for a while now.
My rockstar mom (and wedding planner) came up with a great backup plan and we began moving on the new plan. It was sad, overwhelming, but we were at peace moving forward with the backup option to have the ceremony under the reception tent.
At this point, it just felt so clear that there was so much spiritual attack pounding at us.
I felt like Satan did not want us to get married. He did not want two people passionate about Jesus joining in life together. He did not want a love story centered on grace to persevere.
And he almost won. He almost beat me down to the point of giving up, to running away, to letting it all come crashing down.
But, with sweet friends, family and a fiancé encouraging me along the way, we sought the Lord, moved forward in faith and trusted Jesus was true in how He had orchestrated and led our relationship into marriage.
After a sweet time of prayer with my man, I was ready to give up whatever it meant – the location, all of the elements I had been hoping for, my appearance, for the sake of marrying this man. This was the man I had committed my life to, was ready to be teamed up with forever, and wanted to spend the rest of my days glorifying Jesus with. The materialism and pride in our hearts was struck down, and we clung to what people had been telling us from the beginning of our engagement: “Hey, as long as you are married at the end of it, that’s what matters.”
And that’s what we clung to.
By the time our rehearsal dinner ended and we came home and there was a bear in the reception tent, our only response was to laugh hysterically. Yep. That’s about right. After all of these things went wrong, it only seems fitting that a bear would be perusing all our ceremony setup the night before our wedding.
Come the morning of our wedding, and we saw so much answered prayer and kindness of the Lord.
I was less tired. My rash was pretty much entirely gone. The new ceremony setup looked beautiful.
And the greatest part? I married the man I love and treasure so dearly.
It wasn’t perfect.
It had its bumps. But the thing that mattered most was that we got to pronounce our new covenant relationship with one another, and got to reflect on the covenant relationship Jesus has with us. During the ceremony, we sang the song “In Christ Alone”. As I reflected on the lyrics while singing, I began to tear up:
“No pow’r of hell, no scheme of man, can ever pluck me from His hand. ‘Til He returns or calls me home, here in the pow’r of Christ I’ll stand.”
No power of hell could stand against our marriage, this reflection of Christ’s love for us. Just as no power of hell can stand against the love of my Savior, Jesus.
It was the sweetest day of my life. And all the sweeter with how the Lord cared for us, fought for us and loved us through all of the craziness leading up to our big day. And I praise God for it all.
Our dating relationship wasn’t perfect. Our wedding wasn’t perfect. Our marriage isn’t perfect. But Jesus is perfect, and that is enough.
Do you have a wedding disaster story? Let’s talk about it in the comments below
About the Author:
Michelle Foster is a newlywed navigating adulthood in Louisville, Kentucky. She works and serves college students at a collegiate church in Pittsburgh by doing administrative and support work for them remotely. She’s passionate about writing, graphic design and seeing college students come to follow Jesus
