Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 78

On False Teachers, Calling People to Account, and Compassion

Last Thursday night, at 3 a.m., my husband and I were awakened by a terrible siren coming from our cell phones.

An Amber alert had been sent out across Ontario, because a 2-year-old girl had been kidnapped after her abusive father had broken down the door to their home and assaulted her mother, leaving the mother bruised and bleeding on the floor. 

The little girl was later found unharmed, and the man was apprehended.

But as soon as the Amber Alert went out, the police station was bombarded with calls–by people complaining about being woken up. They were asleep; they were in no position to help; this didn’t affect them. So stop bothering me!

To repeat: A little 2-year-old was missing, the situation was critical, and time was of the essence–yet people were complaining. As a society, we need some compassion. We need to be able to say, “even if I can’t do anything about this, I want to welcome the solution, because this little girl matters, and her mother’s pain matters.”

A similar thing is happening in the wider church today with regards to marriage teaching.

Let me explain. There is some teaching being promulgated that is deeply harmful to people. I talked about one such teaching on Friday on the blog, where Focus on the Family had published a book asking the innocent party in an affair to address their role in that affair. I explained in detail why that approach is faulty and why that will contribute to an unhealthy marriage dynamic. 

I also talked about it at length on Twitter and Facebook first (which is why I decided to write a post about it, because people were coming down hard on me on Facebook, and I wanted to explain). In most cases, I was being called out for being negative. I shouldn’t be criticizing Focus on the Family, you see, because they do such excellent work. And these people didn’t want to be disturbed by negative things said about people and organizations that they liked.

To be honest, I think that’s very similar to the position the Amber Alert complainers were taking. Many of us (thankfully!) will never be affected by an affair in our marriage. Most of us have faithful spouses. Most of us, indeed, have relatively good marriages. We’re not affected by this bad teaching. This kind of teaching on adultery will never hurt our marriage, or our relationship, and so we don’t see it as all that bad. When someone criticizes the teaching, then, it’s assumed that that criticism is unnecessary–it’s really only being done to stir things up.

“Why be so negative?” they say. “Why stir up all of these things?” they say. “Why are you always looking for someone to get mad at it?”

But what if the criticism is NOT unnecessary? What if there’s a woman lying bleeding on the ground, with everything that she loves being taken from her, and the “help” that she is getting is telling her exactly the wrong thing? What if that “help”is heaping more blame on her, kicking her while she’s down, telling her things that will only ever hurt her?

It’s easy to ignore her, to believe that she doesn’t exist, that she is just a figment of someone’s imagination and that we’re making a mountain out of a molehill. After all, that little girl and her mother were only two people in a province of 9 million. Are they really that important?

But Jesus sees that bleeding woman. And Jesus tells a very similar story of a person lying bleeding on the ground, being ignored by the religious people, but being helped by the secular people.

In our world today, religious people are often giving abused women and those married to sexually promiscuous spouses guilt and blame, while the secular world is helping them with healthy advice. 

This simply has to change. 

The reason Jesus and Paul called out false teachers was not to stir up trouble, but to rescue those bleeding on the ground.

I don’t think Jesus enjoyed calling out the Pharisees. I don’t think He got up in the morning thinking, “How can I get in their face today?” Similarly, I don’t think Paul enjoyed calling out false teachers. He didn’t think to himself, “How can I make sure I’m the prominent apostle by making all the others bow to me?” No, both Jesus and Paul were trying to reach the lost with a message of hope and salvation.

But as they were doing so, as they were going about their business, they would come across religious leaders that were hurting the very people that Jesus and Paul were trying to minister to. And so they would speak up–not because they enjoyed fighting the powers that be, but because they had compassion on those who were being hurt by these bad teachings. 

Just look at these examples:

Jesus, in Luke 11, had just finished talking to crowds, telling them about freedom they should have with God. And, while He was in the middle of that, a Pharisee asked him to come and dine with him. The way it is worded, it sounds like the Pharisees are trying to break up Jesus’ sermon, or confront Him on what He’s been saying. 

But the Pharisee was surprised when he noticed that Jesus did not first wash before the meal.

Then the Lord said to him, “Now then, you Pharisees clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside you are full of greed and wickedness.  You foolish people! Did not the one who made the outside make the inside also?  But now as for what is inside you—be generous to the poor, and everything will be clean for you.

 “Woe to you Pharisees, because you give God a tenth of your mint, rue and all other kinds of garden herbs, but you neglect justice and the love of God. You should have practiced the latter without leaving the former undone.

 “Woe to you Pharisees, because you love the most important seats in the synagogues and respectful greetings in the marketplaces.

 “Woe to you, because you are like unmarked graves, which people walk over without knowing it.”

 One of the experts in the law answered him, “Teacher, when you say these things, you insult us also.”

 Jesus replied, “And you experts in the law, woe to you, because you load people down with burdens they can hardly carry, and you yourselves will not lift one finger to help them.

Luke 11:36-48

NIV

Look at what Jesus is upset about: the Pharisees have lived by the letter of the law, but they have neglected justice and love, and they are loading people down with burdens that they will not help them lift. They are hurting people.

He says something similar in the “woes” passage in Matthew 23:

“Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You shut the door of the kingdom of heaven in people’s faces. You yourselves do not enter, nor will you let those enter who are trying to.

“Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You travel over land and sea to win a single convert, and when you have succeeded, you make them twice as much a child of hell as you are.

Matthew 23:13-15

NIV

Here’s Paul, in Galatians 1, telling off the church in Galatia:

I am astonished that you are so quickly deserting the one who called you to live in the grace of Christ and are turning to a different gospel— which is really no gospel at all. Evidently some people are throwing you into confusion and are trying to pervert the gospel of Christ. But even if we or an angel from heaven should preach a gospel other than the one we preached to you, let them be under God’s curse! As we have already said, so now I say again: If anybody is preaching to you a gospel other than what you accepted, let them be under God’s curse!

Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.

Galatians 1:6-10

NIV

What gospel is it that they are spreading? It’s that they need to live under the law again, and not under freedom. That’s a common theme that you will see Paul and Jesus returning to, again and again. That people are adding rules to how we should behave, and putting up walls between people and God. And it has to be stopped.

A perfect example of this is Paul’s actions when Peter wouldn’t eat with Gentiles. Paul walked up to him and rebuked him in public. It wasn’t done in secret. It was done for all to see! And then Paul even wrote about the incident, so even more knew. Why? Because the gospel was at stake, and when something wrong has been said or done in public (Peter not eating with Gentiles), it has to be corrected in public. False teaching is not something that falls under the Matthew 18 directions about how to handle it when someone offends you, because the offense is not personal, between two people. The offense is about the gospel, and in that case, it must be called out publicly.

False teaching is NOT a Matthew 18 issue–where we address things in private first. Matthew 18 is about personal offences. When false teaching has occurred in public, it must be corrected in public, even if that seems “mean”. 

(Click here to tweet this quote)

I think we forget how much of the New Testament is actually addressing false teaching.

Yes, Jesus and Paul were calling for unity, but that did not mean that they failed to address false teaching. And, in fact, the teaching that they railed the most about was the teaching that put people in bondage yet again. 

It could be that you have a really good marriage, and that you don’t know a lot of people who are being abused, or who have had their spouses cheat on them. I know when I started this blog, I sure didn’t. That’s why I had a very different attitude towards divorce back then, in 2008, than I do now. I’ve seen more. I’ve realized that I need to have a bigger view of things, to have compassion on those who are really hurting.

And so it could be that when you read things criticizing false teaching, it makes you sad, because you want to believe that the Christian world is completely healthy, and that there’s nothing wrong with these organizations or authors that you love.

Whether we want to admit it or not, there are many people who are being abused or neglected and the church is making it worse. And our call as Christians when we see those who are hurting is not to ignore them for the sake of our own comfort–it’s to have compassion on them. Compassion is different than pity–compassion actually requires something of you; it’s hard. If you find yourself angry at people bringing up uncomfortable topics for the sake of the downtrodden or the abused–and this will sound harsh–you are showing a lack of compassion for the people whose lives are a living hell because of their torment that you have the privilege to ignore.

Next time you see someone take issue with a blogger, or writer, or organization that you like, then, I would just ask you to take a step back for a moment and ask, “is there someone bruised and bleeding on the ground right now?” And then have compassion on them. Even if it disturbs you. Even if you were enjoying your rest. Even if there’s really nothing that you can do to help. 

Because, whether we like it or not, sometimes Amber Alerts are necessary. 

Like this post? You may also appreciate:

How Churches Should Handle Sexual Abuse Allegations

Author


Social Media


Sheila's Best Posts


Books


Courses


Freebie






Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.


Find Sheila Here:

Facebook
Twitter
Instagram
YouTube
Pinterest



Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:

10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?



Check out some of Sheila's Books:

The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum



Check out Sheila's Courses:

The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course



Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!

Are You to Blame if Your Spouse Cheats on You?

If your husband has an affair, are you partially to blame?

That’s been something I’ve been debating heatedly on Facebook and Twitter this week, because I saw this Facebook status by Focus on the Family:

I found this rather disturbing, and posted it both on Facebook and Twitter. I’d say that about 80% of people agreed with me, but some pushed back. So I’d like to spend today talking about why I think this approach to infidelity is toxic. 

I really don’t want to talk about this. I had another post all planned for today–how a husband can know if his wife has had an orgasm. I’ve been planning posts on sexual tips for the rest of the summer, and I want to get back to fun stuff! But when an organization as influential as Focus on the Family says something this off-base, I feel like I have a responsibility to respond, because I know that this message is hurting people.

Please note, too, that I’m not commenting on the book itself. I don’t know the book; I haven’t read the book; I don’t plan on reading the book (I currently have a backlog of 11 books that are waiting for endorsements I need to read!). My issue is with the way that Focus on the Family chose to introduce the book–just those few words, 

Her husband’s infidelity didn’t mean the end of Tina Konkin’s marriage. Her willingness to answer the question, “What role did you play in this?” saved her marriage.

So let’s jump in!

Rebuilding a marriage after an affair is a two-step process: Repentance of the one who cheated, and then addressing the relationship

Many people, in the comments, were conflating the two. “Knowing how you played your role in marriage problems is essential if you want to rebuild!” I’d agree. It is.

But here’s the thing.

You can’t rebuild until the cheater repents. 

The first step must be repentance. No ifs, ands, or buts. If Focus on the Family had said something like:

 

He had an affair and repented. She found the strength to forgive–and the humility to rebuild the marriage.

I’d be fine with that. But the way that Focus worded that status, the thing that mattered was not his repentance but her acknowledging her role. That’s toxic thinking. Here’s why:

A cheater is solely responsible for the infidelity

 

but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed.

James 1:14

Cheating is a sin that one person does. Nobody else causes it. We are solely responsible for our own sin. The Bible lays the blame for lust and adultery at the cheater’s feet:

You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman to lust after her has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to depart into hell.

Matthew 5:27-30

Even if a spouse is acting badly, there are other choices than infidelity.

Jen Grice, one of the people interacting about this on Twitter, put it this way:

I agree. I hear that excuse all the time - “well she wasn’t a good wife!”... but you still cheated instead of setting boundaries, seeking counseling and then divorcing your “not good wife.” Totally makes sense!

PODCAST: The Purity Culture and the Prosperity Gospel

It’s time for a new episode of the To Love, Honor and Vacuum podcast!

Today we did a bit of a different one. Rather than having all of our segments, we just talked about one big thing: the earthquake in Christian circles where the purity culture is falling apart.

By “purity culture”, I mean that the extra-biblical rules that grew up around the idea that sex should be saved for marriage. Now, I believe that sex is meant for marriage. But what happened was that marriage became the end-all and be-all; virginity became equated with purity (even though the Bible doesn’t see it that way); and a whole heap of shame was added to the idea of sex. Plus we were told that if we abided by the rules of the purity culture, and had no physical contact at all (not even kissing) until we were married, and didn’t date, then marriage would be great.

While I was away in England, Josh and Shannon Harris announced on Instagram that they were separating. Josh Harris in many ways is the big face of the purity movement, writing the book I Kissed Dating Goodbye when he was only 21, and then following up with Boy Meets Girl, with lots of rules about courtship. 

Josh has also disavowed those books, and is reconsidering much about the evangelical world right now. 

I appreciate his humility. I am sorry for what he and Shannon are going through. I am sorry that many are gossiping about it. And so what we wanted to do in this podcast was NOT talk about Josh and Shannon (we mentioned it at the beginning, but then moved on) and instead talk about the bigger issue: how do we decide what to keep about the purity culture, and what to discard? And why is it that all of these rules haven’t led to great marriages? And I’m deliberately not putting “Josh Harris” in the title of this podcast so as to not use him as clickbait. It’s just that it was this news that got us thinking.

Listen in to the podcast here: 

 

Rebecca and Joanna joined me for the podcast, and we debated lots of things about the purity culture. Again, I do believe that sex is meant for marriage. But there is so much wrong with the way we talk about purity, as my daughter Katie summed up here:

I’ve also written a ton about the purity culture, including:

10 Reasons to NOT Kiss Dating Good-bye
10 Things that Scare Me about the Purity Culture
10 Trends in the Purity Culture I’m Watching

The Purity Culture had Prosperity Gospel Undertones

Joanna explained this really well in the podcast (she’s really our resident theologian) but the prosperity gospel says that if you do certain things, God will bless you. And that blessing is in earthly circumstances. Things will go well for you. It’s a distortion of what the Bible actually teaches. Job did nothing wrong, and yet his life still was filled with hardship when everything he loved was taken from him. Sometimes life is just difficult. A better way of looking at all of this is with my book How Big Is Your Umbrella, which I wrote about the things that I yelled at God when my son was dying, and what God whispered back. 

But what the purity culture said was that the reason that marriages are falling apart is because people are dating and doing things the wrong way. If you do them the right way, your marriage will be great (and you’ll have great sex, too!).

However, lots of people do things “the right way” and marriage is still tough. Sometimes sex is, too. I know so many on this blog who waited for marriage and then found out that they had vaginismus, making sex very painful. And it’s still a battle. I know others who found that a spouse had a really low libido, or that they had a low libido. Or they can just never figure out how to reach orgasm. (Please, check out The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex or 31 Days to Great Sex if you’re having trouble!). 

We aren’t guaranteed anything in this life except that God will carry us through hardships when we surrender to Him. So many rushed into marriage, thinking they were doing it the right way, only to find they weren’t prepared.

As a church, we need to find a better way of talking about all of this–a way that keeps God’s perspective on sex without creating extra-biblical rules, heaping shame, or giving false promises. I hope this podcast can contribute to that discussion.

A Note from Rebecca: Are All Books Written by Young People Bad?

Something that’s been discussed a lot with the purity culture fallout is the fact that we all just jumped onto a book written by someone who wasn’t even legally allowed to drink in the US and allowed it to dictate how we all did dating and marriage. 

My book, Why I Didn’t Rebel, was published when I was just 22. I wrote the initial blog post at 19, and wrote the book at 21. 

While I was writing Why I Didn’t Rebel, I was acutely aware of how young I was. And Josh Harris’s story of writing Why I Kissed Dating Goodbye, honestly, haunted me while I was writing it. And here’s the conclusions that I have come to about young authors in general: 

Take everything you read with a grain of salt. In fact, I actually encourage readers to do so in my book! No 21-year-old should propose to have all the answers or have figured out “the secret” to something–we simply don’t have the experience (and again, because I really wanted to avoid the mistakes that others had made in the past I think I was pretty clear that this wasn’t supposed to be a parenting instructions manual, but was just conclusions I came to from hearing 25 people’s stories and reading a ton of research!). 
Young authors are often able to provide a fresh perspective on age-old ideas. When you get a book from a young author, you should be looking for something different than if it were written by someone working in that field for 20 years with multiple PhDs. When you’re looking at a book by a young author, you’re looking for a fresh perspective; a different point of view; a way that may challenge your preconceived notions of what is good, helpful, or potentially harmful. For my book, I really wanted parents to get to look at parenting techniques from a different angle–from the kid’s perspective. In a sense, I wanted parents to get to break out of the echo chamber of parents giving the same-old advice to other parents and ask the kids themselves–what do you think really worked? 
Any young author who isn’t terrified by the thought of writing a book probably shouldn’t be writing a book. I don’t think that a lot of people truly think about how they can be affecting people’s lives if they’re wrong. I had a lot of people go through my manuscript and offer criticisms, rebuttals, and tear it apart because I wanted to make sure that I was representing the stories in my book accurately (in fact, I made sure that every single person interviewed for my book read the chapters and approved the materials). 

But above everything else, no matter how old the author is who wrote the book, a lesson that I’ve learned as I’ve watched so many people suffer due to bad teachings in books is that any book that offers a simple, formulaic solution to a complex problem is probably not a good one. That was something I struggled with in finding my core message with Why I Didn’t Rebel, because there simply wasn’t an easy way to wrap it all up. Sometimes, families did great when they had deep, theological talks multiple times a day. Sometimes, families were fine even if the kids hardly ever had heart-to-hearts with their parents. Sometimes, families thrived on a pattern of family devotionals and prayer together. Others just never really got into it but their kids turned out great too! There simply wasn’t an easy answer to the big question that people are asking. 

But as I was writing the book, and struggling to find that easy answer, the fact that I couldn’t find one brought me a lot of peace. Because you know what? Parenting isn’t easy. Raising kids isn’t supposed to be easy because we’re all so unique. You, with your background and your family circumstance, are going to raise your children very differently than I will raise mine. That’s how it’s supposed to be. 

But I hope we can all remember that even if there isn’t a simple formula for churning out kids who don’t rebel, the common thing we all need is just authentic relationship with each other and with our God. And there’s no easy answer for how to achieve that, which is in and of itself incredibly terrifying but also incredibly freeing. 

If you are interested in reading the stories in my book and starting a new conversation about what general trends we tend to see among healthy families, do check out my book. I know this is a really weird place for a book plug, but I wrote it to be the antidote for a lot of the formulaic parenting advice that’s given today that, according to my interviews, really doesn’t work. 

As someone who’s getting ready to be a first-time mom, the lessons I learned researching and interviewing for this book bring me a lot of peace and comfort–because you know what? None of these parents got it perfect. But their kids still all turned out pretty darn good because the foundation was a healthy one.

Check out Why I Didn't Rebel

That’s all we have for today’s podcast episode!

So what do you think? Did you do everything right only to have issues? Do you think there’s a “prosperity gospel” element to this? Let’s talk in the comments!

Author


Social Media


Sheila's Best Posts


Books


Courses


Freebie






Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.


Find Sheila Here:

Facebook
Twitter
Instagram
YouTube
Pinterest



Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:

10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?



Check out some of Sheila's Books:

The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum



Check out Sheila's Courses:

The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course



Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!

How to Sync Your Libidos

Ever feel like your sex drives never match up–like your libidos are just never in sync?

On Wednesdays this month we’re looking at practical help for improving your sex life, and today I thought I’d turn to libido issues. Libido is something that I’ve written a LOT about, because it does seem to be the #1 frustration in people’s sex lives. Someone always seems to want sex more than their spouse, and it puts a damper on everything. 

But here a woman is writing that sometimes their libidos switch–sometimes she’s the one with a high sex drive, and sometimes he’s the one with the high sex drive. And it never seems to be at the same time! She writes:

Reader Question

I was thinking about how much my husband’s and my libidos have changed in the past couple years of our short married life. It seems like when his libido has been high, mine has been low/non-existent. And when mine has been high (like now in this stage of our lives), his has become super low. I was wondering if maybe sometime in the future Sheila would like to write about some ways couples can make their libidos more in sync… some more constructive and enlightened advice besides “communicate and compromise with your spouse”. I’m not saying spouses need to have the same level of libidos, but maybe offer some suggestions on how the two could make their libidos more comparable (if that’s even possible)? Just wanted to throw that idea out there as a possible future blog post suggestion. Thanks!

Great question! So let’s try to tackle some big picture issues first, and then we’ll look at some practical suggestions. In this post, too, I’m looking solely at libido (really your sex drive). Sometimes we don’t desire sex at all because we feel disrespected in the relationship, or our spouse is treating us badly. That’s terrible, and that needs to be addressed before you tackle any issues about sex.

Today, though, I’m going to assume that on the whole two people have a good marriage. They do treat each other well. They do love each other. They may have minor squabbles or issues that keep coming up, but, in general, they’re getting along. The sex drive discrepancy is the big issue.

I’m also not talking about people who NEVER desire sex because of issues of sexual shame or because sex doesn’t feel good. Those things, again, need to be dealt with first. I’m really addressing people who have wanted sex in the past, who do enjoy sex, but who find that too often their libidos just don’t sync up. So let’s look at that!

Libido is highly dependent on what’s going on in different phases of our lives

Take after the birth of a baby, for instance. In many cases, when a baby comes, a woman’s libido plummets because she’s so tired all the time, plus she has a little one who is consuming all of her attention. A man’s libido, on the other hand, often stays the same or even increases, because he now wants to feel as if his wife still cares for him that way, and as if their marriage still matters.

What about when there’s stress at work? When you’re going through a stressful period, libido often takes a dive. However, the converse is also true: if someone is coming out of a stressful period, libido often rises.

Some of us have jobs that are all-consuming. We think about the responsibilities and the tasks that we have to complete, or the problems that are in front of us, all the time. It’s hard to shut all of that off and allow sexual thoughts to take hold. But when that stress is over, often all the sexual tension that has been building up suddenly has an outlet, and libido may surge. But if you’re both going through stress at different times, that can affect your libido differences.

Hormones also play a huge role in libido

For women, hormone level changes throughout your menstrual cycle affect libido. One of my modules in my Boost Your Libido course helps you learn how to track your hormones and identify when your peak libido days are likely to be! We often feel far more sexually responsive at certain times of the month than others.

As you age, hormones further affect you. For many, menopause kills libido, but often that’s only temporary. Because hormone levels are always fluctuating, there can be times when libido suddenly surges as well.

Age also affects men’s hormone levels. Testosterone tends to drop as men age, which can cause libido to fall.

That being said, hormones alone do not dictate libido. They affect libido, to be sure, but even when hormone levels make arousal more difficult, or make spontaneous sexual thoughts a less common occurrence, libidos can still be revived. And that’s because of this one major principle:

Libido largely is about the time and emotional energy that we’re able to dedicate to the sexual side of our being

We were created to be sexual. It’s a drive to connect with another human being, but it’s also a drive to be passionate–to be out of control, to be out of your head, to just be able to feel and experience. That’s something that all of us need, and God created us to long to be “carried away” and to be less in our heads and more in our bodies at times. I think it’s to mirror how God wants to be passionate with us–how we’re supposed to let go and let God, and not try to control everything. I explain it more in my post on how sex can be hot and holy at the same time.

However, since sex requires being “out of our heads”, then we need to have time when we don’t have a million things going on in our heads, when we don’t have a million pressures on our time, when we are able to long to just feel, and not just to think.

That part of you is still there–that sex drive that you were born with. It’s just that sometimes it’s covered up with busy-ness and stress and worry. Ironically, often the best way to handle some of that busy-ness and stress is to have a great orgasm! But that can seem so impossible when you’re worried or stressed, because arousal seems impossible. Similarly, if your hormones are dampening your libido, then thinking about sex seems almost impossible. It’s like grocery shopping after a huge meal. Nothing looks that enticing.

This is what we need to understand: the things that are keeping you from having a libido will not magically go away on their own. You need to combat those feelings by replacing them with thoughts and feelings about being sexual.

Like this post so far? You should also check out:

When You Have No Libido

Why Do I Never Want to Say Yes When My Husband Initiates?

Practical tips on boosting your libido by letting yourself feel sexual

How practically can you do this? I give a lot of tips in my Boost Your Libido course, including how to turn off the concerns of the day, how to have better body image, how to build emotional connection and vulnerability so that you awaken your sex drive, and more, but here are just a few practical ones that focus on your body:

Treat your body as if it’s sexual

It is okay to feel “sexy”, to feel as if your body is something that your husband desires. But it’s easier to do that if we actually take time to groom it! It’s hard to feel sexy if you’ve let your armpit hair grow or your leg hair grow. It’s a lot easier to feel sexy if you’re smooth, if you feel as if you look great naked. So keep grooming yourself, and admire how it looks afterwards! It’s okay to look in the mirror after a shower. Even if you’re not thinking, “I’m going to have sex tonight”, and even if it’s not necessarily about sex, get your body ready, and enjoy how your body looks.

Wear pretty underthings

Being pretty is a natural urge that women have, I think. And lace and a bit of colour can make us feel sexier, too! So get some nice bras and panty sets. Know that under your clothes you have a “secret” that’s just for you and your husband that looks amazing. Whatever you feel is sexy, buy some and wear them!

Carve out time to allow your body to feel physical

Even beyond feeling sexy, take time to do pilates or yoga classes, where you stretch a lot, or do a stretching routine at home. Practice sitting and walking and standing with proper alignment. Pay attention to your physical body, rather than ignoring it with all the other cares of the day.

Touch your husband and massage your husband

One of the best ways to boost your libido is through massage! When one or both of you is stressed, massage can also be a great stress-reliever. Massage helps you transition from the cares of the day to what may happen at night. And it also helps you focus on how your body is feeling. Massaging naked can also boost the libido! Even massage each other’s feet, hands, or shoulders while you watch a movie at night. Take time to touch and relax each other.

Enjoy being naked

Don’t worry–I’m not going to encourage any of you to be nudists or anything! But sometimes we need to awaken different parts of our bodies to feel sexual. If you know that your husband’s libido is raging, and you just don’t feel much of anything, try the tips above.

But then also take time in the evening to go have a bath, and while you’re lying there, close your eyes and just think about all the different parts of your body. Start at your fingers, and work your way up your arms, across your chest, and then down. It’s okay to imagine your husband touching those parts, or imagining what he may feel if he looked at various parts of your body. If you don’t have time for a bath, head somewhere with a mirror, get undressed, and get some lotion and rub some on your legs or torso or spritz some spray. Do it slowly and just allow yourself to feel. It really is okay. Honestly. It doesn’t mean you’re being bad. It’s just enjoying the fact that you were made to be a sexual being. Think of it as your “body wake up” time! And then, once you’ve done that, take some time and pick out something really pretty to put on. If you do this BEFORE you get into bed, you’ll often find that you’re far more eager for something else!

When you’re going through a particularly dry time, when you don’t feel much of anything sexual, try the bath exercise often. Lie there. Take some time and just FEEL. Remember that part of passion is learning to let go of rational thought and just experience life. Allow yourself to experience! You were created for that.

Even if you’re not thinking about sex at all–even if it’s the furthest thing from your mind–try it. Lie in the bath, take as much time as you need, and let yourself feel all the different parts of your body. Don’t get out of the bath until you’ve started to awaken something. You may surprise yourself!

All of this helps you boost your libido–but what about your husband?

What can you do to help him boost his libido if he’s going through a dry spell? A few quick thoughts:

Be his sounding board

Encourage him to talk to you about some of the things he’s stressed about. Don’t try to fix anything, just listen. Ask probing questions. Sometimes men aren’t sure what it is that they are thinking or what they’re bothered about specifically, but as you ask questions you can help him clarify in his mind what the issue is, so that he has an easier time dealing with it.

Do kind things for him

If he’s very stressed, be kind. Get him a snack. Thank him for the great job he does. Do some of his chores. Just show him that you’re not angry at him for being busy, but that you do want to help.

Be more sexually assertive

Sometimes guys don’t have a raging libido, but that doesn’t mean they wouldn’t be interested in sex. It just doesn’t seem like an urgent need to them. If you’re a couple where he has tended to do the initiating, and then he goes through a dry spell, sex can stop because he’s not taking the lead. But if you take the lead, he may be able to be convinced!

Use some of my suggestions for how to initiate sex. Or you can be even more assertive. Say to him, “I know you’re stressed right now, but I believe that you need this, and I am going to give it to you.” And just start! For some men, that won’t be welcome. Others may put up a little bit of a protest, but if you persist, you can break down defences. You know your husband, so you’ll have to decide. But I’d just encourage you to not assume that it would be a no. For some men, seeing their wives eager for sex can turn a switch on, even if her just simply asking for sex doesn’t do it.

10 Things Higher Sex Drive Wives Need to Know

Why Doesn’t My Husband Want to Make Love?

And, finally–you’ve got to communicate about your libidos and about what you want from sex!

She says she wants some advice other than “just communicate”, and I hope I’ve given you some of that. But ultimately–yep. You need to communicate! Talk about what you want from your marriage. Talk about how often you want to make love. In some cases, scheduling sex can work great. In others, doing “his” nights and “her” nights can work well.

And, of course, if you’re communicating better about other things in your marriage, if you’re having some fun together, doing some hobbies together, and spending time together, then all of the rest of this will also be much easier to deal with. If you’re going through a time of low libido, and you’d like to boost it, check out my Boost Your Libido course!

Are you TIRED of always being too tired for sex?

Do you yearn to actually WANT to make love–and figure out what all the fuss is about?

There is a way! And in this 10-module course I take you through what libido is (it may surprise you!), what affects libido, and how we can reclaim the excitement that God made us for.

Tell me more!

Have you ever experienced this? How do you handle it when your libidos don’t sync? Let’s talk in the comments!

Author


Social Media


Sheila's Best Posts


Books


Courses


Freebie






Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.


Find Sheila Here:

Facebook
Twitter
Instagram
YouTube
Pinterest



Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:

10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?



Check out some of Sheila's Books:

The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum



Check out Sheila's Courses:

The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course



Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!




Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!

Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually. If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.

Hiking in the Rain, Air BNBs, and Peasants

I’m horribly jetlagged, we had a wonderful trip to England, and I wish I could say I was excited to be home.

Usually by the end of a trip I’m thinking, “Okay, this has been fun, but it’s time to go home.” I really wasn’t thinking that this time. We spent the last week in an Air BNB on the West side of the Isle of Wight, and it was amazing, and beautiful, and very restful, and there really was no need to come home as far as I’m concerned.

Marriage Reader Questions: Lightning Round Edition

We’re back in Canada!

 

We had a wonderful time in England spending time sight seeing and also doing some genealogy research, but we’re also really glad to be back. 

But in the meantime, while I’m adjusting to the jet lag, I have SUCH a backlog of reader questions that come in that I thought I’d tackle some more today and give you multiple mini-posts in one. Here we go!

1. How do you keep the connection alive when you’re apart so much?

A woman writes in that her husband is gone all the time for work, and she’s feeling their connection slipping away:

Reader Question

How do you stay connected to a husband who absolutely loves his job and works and travels a lot while I’m home with our 2 busy small kids! I’m the one who initiates the emotional connecting and it is getting exhausting and lonely and I’m finding we have less to connect over.

Really common question. And I’ve actually dealt with this myself (and I talked about it at length in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage). When you’re away from your spouse a lot, it can be tempting to not explain all the things that are going on in your life, because it just takes so long. It’s easier to talk to someone who is in the middle of it. So you start relying more on your sister or your mom or your friend, and less on your husband. It’s not that you don’t love your husband, it’s just that to explain about the problem with Jack’s best friend’s mom coming over to the house for a playdate and how she seemed really snooty means that you have to explain about the last three times she came over, when you thought something may be wrong but you weren’t sure. And you hadn’t mentioned those other three times yet, and to go back to the beginning with the story is just too much work.

So you don’t.

And soon he knows nothing about what’s going on in your emotional life!

I spent a lot of June talking about practical things to do to keep your relationship alive, and for this woman, I think these posts are especially important. Figure out each other’s emotional needs. Plan and vision together as a family.

How Spouses Can Meet Each Other’s Emotional Needs

Visioning Exercise for Couples: Finding Your Purpose as a Family

 And then it’s important, even if you don’t share EVERYTHING that’s happening in your life, that you do at least give the highlights. Every night, on the phone, do the “highs” and “lows” exercise, where you share the time today when you felt most in the groove, and the time that you felt the most defeated. You don’t have to explain everything you did, but it’s important to explain the ones that had emotions behind them, and to understand the same about your husband.

Why isn’t he taking the lead more on this? A lot of men are able to compartmentalize easily, and he’s in his own world. He may not realize what he’s missing. But it’s important. I’m sorry you have to bear the burden of this, but it’s worth it to stay close. I hope that helps!

2. Am I Unconsciously Unmarried?

Here’s a woman who is afraid that, in her subconscious, she’s already abandoned her husband. She asks:

Reader Question

 I have been married for 3 years. For the last little while we’ve been living abroad since my husband is from another European country. This season has been very hard on me and I feel he doesn’t understand even if he has tried to show he cares. For the last few months, I have been having dreams about me meeting other men, feeling excitement, feeling pursued sometimes. They are not precisely sexual dreams but sometimes they are. My husband is never in these dreams. In fact, I barely dream about him. It’s as if he didn’t exist. In fact, even now, I feel like my marriage is kind of a fake one. I don’t feel his presence as my husband. And it scares me so much! Did I break up with him in my mind at some point? 

I’m so sorry you’re so lonely! And this is really common when you’ve left your country of origin and you’re in a strange country without friends, especially if your spouse now feels at home. You literally are living in two different worlds. It’s no wonder you feel alone!

As for dreams, we are not to blame for what we dream. People dream all kinds of things, and sometimes those dreams mean something and sometimes they really don’t. It sounds like your dreams are manifestations of your loneliness, and I think that is important to address. It doesn’t mean that you’ve left your husband in your mind, though.

As for what marriage is supposed to feel like–it’s just about doing life together. If you don’t feel like you’re doing life together, then talk to him about it. What exactly do you want to change? Do you want to talk more? Develop some hobbies together? Look at the links for question 1; they’ll likely help you, too.

Here’s another thing to remember: You feel like a fish out of water living in this country, but he very well may have felt the same thing living where you’re from. One of you is going to feel like a fish out of water in this relationship; that’s what often comes when you happen to marry someone from another country. So you need to decide: is this marriage worth it to me? Truth is, you did vow to be with your husband. I know it’s hard, but throwing yourself in to embracing the culture may really help. Read as many guidebooks as you can. Go to the library. Join some groups. Get out there and embrace the country. It may be the hardest thing you’ll ever do, but that’s part of being married!

The bigger question here is that she’s worried that, in her heart, she’s not married because her emotions are betraying her. But you can also decide to take those thoughts captive and do something with them. What thoughts are you going to nurture? The ones telling  you you’re lonely, or the ones telling you that you love your husband and you’re going to embrace this life? I’m not trying to minimize what you’re going through–I can’t imagine living on the other side of the world in a strange country. I really can’t. But you did marry someone cross-culturally, and part of the challenges of that is embracing the culture so that you can build a marriage.

Perhaps other readers who have similarly done this can chime in here: what are the best ways to embrace your spouse’s culture and feel at home in another country?

3. What do we do with sex postpartum if we’re following levitical law?

I actually know quite a few people who do this, but the woman writes:

Reader Question

Sheila, my hubs is being an absolute bear! We’re 5 weeks postpartum with no intimate contact. We follow Levitical law on separation, so we have another 5 weeks. Everyone I talk to says “oh there’s other ways to be intimate…” but they never tell me these other ways. I’m afraid of him finishing with oral. Ive been unable to finish him by hand…he won’t do it himself… what else is there? Our intimate life was already sparse with three other young children. It’s really tanking the ‘love tank’ as his language is touch which he ONLY receives in the bedroom. Sheila help!! 

Okay, I do feel a lot of sympathy for this woman, but this is the sort of question that I just can’t help with, because I think you’re dealing with a whole bunch of things that are, in and of themselves, unhealthy. And I don’t want to help you continue in unhealthy ways!

There is absolutely no reason for a Christian to follow Levitical law. Jesus came to set us free from the law; you don’t even have to be circumcised anymore, which was the sign of Levitical law, let alone all of those other laws. Here are just a few of the verses that show that we are free from Levitical law:

Acts 10:9-16: God gives Peter permission to eat animals that are deemed unclean under Levitical law. Not only does he say that they’re not unclean, God says that He has declared them clean. 
1 Corinthians 7:19-20: Paul expressly states that people do not need to get circumcised anymore
Pretty much the entire book of Romans continuously states that we are no longer under the law, but we live under Grace (Romans 4:14-15, 6:14, 7:1-6, and 8:2-3 to name a few references)

If you are following the law to try to be holy, you are missing the whole point of the gospel.

Overall, there are a few key red flags I want to touch on here: 

1. If your husband is being a bear to you because you aren’t having sex postpartum, when you have that many young kids, and he has decided that he wants to follow Levitical law, then perhaps your husband needs to reconsider his attitude as well. If he chooses to follow Levitical law, he also needs to accept the consequences of that and not put that burden on you, especially since you have multiple children already. The mindset he is showing now seems very selfish and entitled–he wants all the good and none of the bad from this lifestyle he has chosen.  

2. If he only touches you after sex, that, too, is a problem. It sounds overall like this is a very one-sided marriage. I do have a post on whether you have to give your husband a hand, and that may help here. If your husband is insisting on no sex, then, according to the Levitical law, there should be no sex. If the only way he’s living by the law is making sure YOU don’t get sex, while he still gets sexual release, that’s so backwards and does not line up with the mutuality that God designed sex to have (1 Corinthians 7:3-4). 

Deciding to give your husband sexual release as a gift every now and then, especially post partum, is not a bad thing at all. But when that is the only way you can have sexual connection in your marriage and the person who gets the orgasm is the one saying that you can’t have an orgasm, that’s just not healthy. Mutuality in cases like this means that you either you both can choose to have sex, or you both abstain for a while. Otherwise, he is using you for release while being allowed to keep you deprived. 

4. Help me understand submission in marriage!

A confused woman writes:

Reader Question

I love your articles and various views/points. They fire me up and help me learn more about the loving God who cares for our hearts more than what rules we follow. As a young wife whose husband was sinning and betraying me constantly by flirting/texting/chatting with others, I especially needed your articles about what submission is and not enabling sin etc. ( he is now finally on the road of recovery and renewing his mind from lust etc) Anyways my question has to do with submission.Once someone in ur comments said how wives aren’t told to obey their husbands in the bible and you backed that person up. What I’m wondering about are those verses in the bible that do say to obey. Those verses confuse me. Thank you!

For sure! I’ve written a lot about submission and the way that our views on submission can make Jesus seem less important than our husbands. Let’s remember that in the Lord’s prayer, we pray that God’s will is done, not a husband’s will. And we need to keep that first and foremost! 

I won’t rehash all of that here, but I did write a 5-part series on submission last September, and you can read all those posts here:

Another Way to Look at It:

What Does It Mean to Obey Like Sarah?

Women: Follow Jesus First!

Does Jesus Value Marriage Over the People In It?

Does Submission Mean the Husband is the Tie-Breaker?

Do We Know What it Means to Serve Our Husbands?

5. What about Remarriage after Infidelity? And do we really have to wait for marriage for sex?

A woman writes:

Reader Question




 

I have two topics for you to consider. The first is getting remarried (both of us are divorced due to infidelity). The second is I was raised much less conservatively than him. So the waiting until marriage and other topics are new to me ( wanting to read about these things is how I found your blog). So I have to imagine that there might be others struggling with the difference that causes in a relationship.

Absolutely! My big post about remarriage is right here: Why I’m anti-divorce and pro-remarriage. I think divorce should be rare, and a last resort–but I also firmly believe that many times divorce is the right thing to do. I also think that in those cases, the Bible is clear that remarriage is fine. In that time, a divorced woman had no way of supporting herself. To allow for divorce and not remarriage would not have been possible. So if Jesus permitted divorce, then he similarly permitted remarriage.

As for waiting until marriage, I’ve written a bunch on it, but the big thing is that sex can help us feel closer than we may actually be. It’s important to take the time before marriage to work on one’s emotional connection, so that you’re sure you really know each other and love each other. And the world works so much better if sex is kept to marriage! It helps sex be about intimacy, and not just about the physical, because it’s always about commitment and relationship, too.

Some other posts I’ve written about why we should wait for marriage to make love:

Why Sex Should Be Saved for Marriage:

Why God Wants Us to Save Sex for Marriage

Intimacy Before Marriage: It’s about More than Just Sex

There you go–a whole bunch of questions today! Anything stand out to you? And do you have any advice, especially for the cross-cultural marriage or the Levitical law marriage? Let’s talk in the comments!

Author


Social Media


Sheila's Best Posts


Books


Courses


Freebie






Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.


Find Sheila Here:

Facebook
Twitter
Instagram
YouTube
Pinterest



Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:

10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?



Check out some of Sheila's Books:

The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum



Check out Sheila's Courses:

The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course



Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!

 

How to Throw Your Child a Blessing Party

Do you know what it really means to bless your child?

When my daughters turned 13, each of them got a special party for their birthday dedicated to having key people in their lives share messages of encouragement and call out the ways God was moving and working in their lives. 

I wrote about this years ago when we were in the thick of it, but this remains one of my favourite things I’ve ever done for my girls. So I wanted to share what I wrote so many years ago to inspire you to speak words of truth and life into your kid’s lives, too (updated of course to include ideas of how to do this for sons, too!). Our words have so much power in our kid’s hearts, and I hope this gives you some ideas for how you can use yours to really build up your child as he or she enters this next stage of life.

On top of my friend Jill’s piano used to sit a dried bunch of roses. They weren’t particularly breathtaking, but they were special, for they were the first roses her daughter Pam ever received.

Pam’s dad gave them to her on her thirteenth birthday, because he wanted to make sure that when Pam got her first roses, they would be from him.

He loved her first, and he figured that anyone else that she would love better be willing to love her just as much. He set the standard.

Bob wasn’t there to give Pam away at her wedding. He died two years too early. But when Pam walked down the aisle to her husband Andrew, she walked towards a man who did truly love her, just as her father had modelled. Bob was not a perfect father by any means, just as none of us is a perfect parent. But he really got that right.

That story has stayed with me, and so when my daughter Rebecca turned thirteen, she answered the doorbell to receive a dozen roses from her dad. And we did the same for Katie just 2 years later.

And the message he wanted to send? You’re precious. Don’t hang out with others who don’t believe that.

I didn’t let Keith have all the fun, though. I decided I wanted a chance to speak some words of wisdom into my daughter’s life, too, but I did it in a very girly way. I threw a chocolate-fountain-spa party, with the important girls and women in our lives. And I asked twelve women—aunts, grandmothers, friends, mentors—to say something either affirming what they see in Rebecca, or giving her advice on growing up. It was a lovely party, as most interactions that involve chocolate turn out to be, but this was even more special because of the timeless truths my daughter heard.

Our girls get so many negative messages in this culture.

They hear that looks are all that matters, that our worth is best judged by our sexual conquests, and that feeling good is more important than being good. I wanted this to be an opportunity to counteract this garbage in a real and meaningful way. And so let me share with you some of the things Rebecca learned that night.

One aunt reminded her that 10% of life is what gets thrown at you, while 90% of life is how you react to it.

One of her best friend’s moms gave a rah-rah speech: “your generation is the first of the new millennium. What will you make the world?” One of her favourite baby-sitters whom we watched walk down the aisle a month ago still had marriage on her mind, as she told Becca that when it comes time for men, “don’t settle! You deserve the very best in a guy!”. A woman we travelled to Kenya with reminded Becca to remain humble, and remember that everything we have is simply a gift.

My cousin commiserated with Becca since they both suffer from perfectionism. She told her, “Don’t let the need to be perfect stop you from trying things. The important thing is to try your best, and whatever your best is, remember its good enough.”

My mother told her how impressed she was by Becca’s creativity and compassion. My mother-in-law echoed how proud she was of Becca, and admonished her to always keep her word. Be someone others can trust. A family friend who has watched Rebecca learn to ride a bike, learn to swim, and learn to start fires—in our campsites, that is—said, “My deepest prayer for you is that you will continue to have a heart for God.” And on and on it went, with women sharing some of the greatest lessons they’ve learned.

Like this post so far? You should also check out:

5 Weird Reasons I Didn’t Rebel as a Teenager

What Rules are Appropriate for Teenagers?

Maybe you have a child approaching a milestone—13, 16, graduation. Why not take that opportunity to bless them and launch them well?

That night my daughter heard, keep your word. Keep trying. Don’t settle. We love you, you’re special, and we can see so much in you. All of that, and a dozen roses from Daddy. Now if her life can live out those values, we will be very proud parents indeed.

But what if you have a daughter who doesn’t like girly things, or you have a son? 

A blessing party doesn’t need to be about frills and chocolate. It’s really about giving people a chance to speak words of life and blessing into your kid’s life. You could do a group hike and end it around a fire; you could host a night at a bowling alley and then all sit around with pizza while people share; you could even do a canoe or camping weekend trip with a smaller group of people. There are endless ways to host a blessing party–so make it something special for your kid! My girls happened to really like chocolate and pedicures. If your kids don’t, then do something different! 

No matter what the party looks like, the important point is that your child has a chance to hear blessings from important people in his or her life. 

In today’s society we so rarely bless our kids. We don’t take time out of our busy schedules to sit and speak words of life into their lives–we’re focused on soccer practice and sleepovers and juggling the different parts of our crazy-hectic lives. 

But as your kids grow into little adults, knowing they have a community of people rallied around them who believe in them and see great things in them is an amazing gift. 

So give that gift to your kids!

What do you think about the concept of a blessing party? Have you ever done anything like that before? Let’s chat about it in the comments!

PODCAST: Can Parents Make it Harder for Their Kids to Marry Well?

It’s time for a new episode of the To Love, Honor and Vacuum podcast!

I hope you all will listen, but if you don’t have time, I’ll have some links and rabbit trails below so you can read all you want as well!

And consider this podcast “extras”. If you want to go deeper into what I talked about in the podcast, here are some more things to help you.

But first, here’s the podcast:

 











Main Segment: Can Parents Accidentally Make It Harder for Their Kids to Get Married?

Before we start, here’s a huge caveat: 

I by no means believe everyone needs to get married or should get married. Of those who do get married, there is no “right” time to get married. Some will get married at 20, some at 50. There is nothing “wrong” with not finding your right person young!

That being said, there are so many Christian parents out there who desperately want their kids to get married to wonderful Christian people–someday far in the future. And they actively encourage their kids to avoid dating in their early adulthood, saying that they can always date when they’re done school, or when they’ve got a career, or a myriad of other reasons.

But the question I have is this: can well-intentioned parents inadvertently make it less likely that their child will end up with someone in their attempts to make sure they get married the “right” way? 

If you’re interested in this topic, here are some other posts I’ve written about finding a good spouse: 

 

Like this post? You may also enjoy:

10 Reasons Not to Kiss Dating Goodbye

Does He Have Good Character?

Reader Question: How can I communicate with my college-age daughter? 

This is our reader question and millennial segment tied up into one today! Rebecca and Joanna, two former stressed-out students, tackle this question from a bewildered mom with a ticked-off daughter:

 

My issue is my college age daughter. She is confused about her major but other than that she is a responsible child and is doing well at school and was able to do a one-year study abroad program. The problem we have is our relationship. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong but everything seems to tick her off (everything I say, everything I do). She doesn’t like talking about anything with me (relationships, sex, feelings, religion, politics). Almost everything seems to be off limits – even a repeat question about something I need an answer to. I am open to discussing any topic. She would just walk away if she comes ticked off. So, basically, how can I communicate better with a child that doesn’t want to communicate?

Joanna and Rebecca came at this from the perspective of the daughter, and want to encourage parents that even when your kid seems angry at you all the time, odds are there is something happening outside of you that is causing all this stress. You are likely the safe place for them to blow up, unfortunately. It’s not excusable, but it’s understandable during this incredibly, incredibly stressful period of life. 

In a nutshell, here’s what they want parents to know: 

College is REALLY stressful. And your kid may be experiencing a lot of guilt or shame if, somehow, they feel like they’re not doing “enough.” Talking to your parents when you go through this can be tough, even if the parents are doing everything right. 
Focus less on getting your kid to talk and more on lowering the tension level in the relationship. Avoid bringing up hot-button topics, but instead find light-hearted things through which you can connect.
Remember to have grace for the awkwardness that comes with entering your adult years. That doesn’t mean you need to put up with inappropriate behaviour, but patience and understanding can go a long way when it comes to those first few adult years when all of life just seems a bit overwhelming and new! 

If you are interested in learning more about mental health and college, here’s an article explaining anxiety in college and what students can do to help themselves adjust and learn better coping mechanisms. It’s a great place to start a conversation with a kid you think may be experiencing stress! 

What do you think about the topics we covered in today’s podcast? Do you agree? Have anything to add? Let us know in the comments! 

How to Get More Adventurous in Bed

Want to get more adventurous when it comes to sex, but don’t know where to start? 

This month we’re focusing on practical tips for a better sex life. We’ve talked about how to try new positions, how to have sex even when it’s so hot you don’t want to touch each other, and now let’s get into one of our most frequently asked questions: 

How do I get more adventurous in bed?

I want to be able to give you a lot of information and a lot of tips with this one, so here are 10 ways you can spice things up along with other articles you can read for more information and ideas! 

Have fun!

1: Try some sexy talk!

Want to try some talk to get your spouse more “in the mood” and turn the heat up, but don’t know where to start? 

I asked my male and female readers what questions would work for men and women and put it together into two different posts! Try out some of these questions and see how they go! 

10 Sexy Questions to Ask Your Wife

10 Sexy Questions to Ask Your Husband

2: How to Tell Your Husband What You Want in Bed!









How to Tell Your Husband What You Want in Bed

Finding that sex is becoming a bit mundane, but don’t know how to ask him for what you really want? Here’s some practical advice to help you speak up and make sex better for BOTH of you by not letting shyness or nervousness hold you back in bed! 

3: Practical Ways to Get More Adventurous in Bed!









10 Ways to Get More Adventurous in Bed!

To go together with the previous post on how to tell your husband what you want in bed, here are 10 practical ways you can get more adventurous in the bedroom even if you’re shy or nervous around trying new things with sex. These will help you both learn what makes the other person tick and how to drive them crazy! 

4: Try “His” and “Hers” Nights to Spice Things Up!









How Having “His” and “Hers” Nights can Spice Up Your Sex Life!

If you want to balance getting spicy in the bedroom with feeling like you totally respect and honour each other, “his” and “hers” nights are a great marriage tool!

One suggestion I’ve made repeatedly when I talk about how to get more adventurous in bed, or how to tell your spouse what you want, is to try “his” and “her” nights, where on those nights you get to do what one spouse wants–but on other nights you just do the regular things that you both enjoy together! This is the post that gets into the nitty-gritty of how this works and how it can inject some fun into your sex life!

5: Don’t Think You Need Erotica to Get More Adventurous









How to Spice Things Up Without 50 Shades of Grey

A lot of couples, when they want to get more adventurous, explore erotica or pornography to give them ideas. But this is a really unhealthy and dangerous idea, and there are tons of ways you can try new things and spice things up without using harmful materials. 

Here’s some practical advice for how you can spice things up without having to use erotica! 

 

6: Try Some Games to Spice Things Up! 









5 Ways to Spice Up Your Marriage

Here are some great ideas on how to incorporate some games into your sex life in a safe way that turns up the heat! Check out these ideas and see which ones would work for you!  

7: Try some Spicy Marriage Dares to Rev Up Your Sex Life! 









24 Sexy Dares for Married Couples!

If you’re looking to get more adventurous or to mix things up a bit, this is our #1 recommendation. This comes with 24 dares: 8 for her, 8 for him, and 8 for the two of you together. It focuses on helping you try new things, have some fun, but also feel closer to each other.

Each dare has its instructions and description, and you have the choice to read it ahead of time or in the moment! 

How about trying “Around the World”, “I See All of You”, or “Texas Hold Em”? Or maybe “The Rocket Launcher” or “No More Cleanup in Aisle 5”?

Trying new things can sometimes be intimidating. You may not know how to ask for what you want. You may not even know what you want! But sometimes things get stale, and you know you need SOMETHING.

That’s why we made these dares. The dares make asking for new things far less awkward. And they bring more fun back to your marriage, too! Check them out! 

Now it’s your turn. Keeping it classy in the comments of course, what are some of your best tips for for spouses who want to get more adventurous in bed? 

Author


Social Media


Sheila's Best Posts


Books


Courses


Freebie






Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.


Find Sheila Here:

Facebook
Twitter
Instagram
YouTube
Pinterest



Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:

10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?



Check out some of Sheila's Books:

The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum



Check out Sheila's Courses:

The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course



Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!

Read the rest of our Practical Sex Series:

How to Try New Positions–Without Needing an Instructions Manual!
How to Have Great Sex Without Air Conditioning
How to Get More Adventurous In Bed (This one!)
Your Guide to Choosing Lingerie (July 24)
How to Sync Your Libidos (July 31)

10 Ways to Help a Stressed-Out Spouse

Ever feel like your spouse is stressed all the time–and because of that they’re always short with you?

On Mondays I like to post a reader question and then take a stab at answering it, and today I’ve got one from a woman who says that when they go on vacation the sex and the relationship is amazing. But then as soon as they get home, the relationship falls apart because her husband is so stressed.

Reader Question

I’ve just celebrated our twentieth anniversary with an amazing overseas trip. We spoiled each other rotten.

But how do we spend such a fabulous time together where the sex is spectacular both physically and emotionally, and then arrive back home and his frustration levels grow to such an extent that it’s impossible to have a conversation?

I’ve treated him with the utmost respect. I haven’t screamed or made unreasonable demands. I did ask him to please refrain from continuously referring to problems he’s facing as they rarely resolve and because of that, I feel useless to help him gain victory which is just debilitating.

To be honest we’ve had 2 major blow outs this year, both after magical weeks of intimacy and then boom! I feel like I’ve prostituted myself. The hardest thing for me is keeping my heart open to our intimate connection.

I’d really value any words of wisdom. If financial pressure is too much (I’m a stay at home Mom), then I would happily forgo the travel lavishing if we could just maintain a steadier relational equilibrium.

Okay, let’s take a stab at this! Once again, I’m only going on the information I have here. I don’t know what their conflicts or about, or what the conflicts look like. I don’t know if he has anger issues or not. But, just going on the information here, a few things occur to me, so here goes!

Most people have reasons behind their actions

This is a simple fact of human behaviour: we do things for a reason.

Therefore, if he’s happy when he’s on vacation, but gets upset at her when he’s at home, there is probably a reason beyond just “he’s a bad person” or “he’s crazy.”

Sheila’s tip: If you start thinking that your husband is being entirely unreasonable and irrational, it’s quite likely there’s something big about this situation that you’re missing.

When people act a certain way, they are often reacting to someone else. Thus, it’s always good to find the trigger and disarm it.

To go along with our first point, if people aren’t islands, that means that they are usually reacting to something that someone else is doing. So if you’re having an issue with someone, the first step should always be to ask: “could I be doing something that is rubbing him the wrong way?” It’s not a comfortable question, but it’s a good one to ask since none of us are perfect, and we all have room to grow. 

Now, it could very well be that in examining yourself you find the answer is “no”. And that may be because of one of two main reasons. First of all, and this is really important to understand, when husbands are emotionally abusive they frequently blame everyone else for their outbursts and never take ownership of their own actions. And that can make the wife and the kids think that they are responsible for causing the problem, even if that’s not true. If you fear you may be an emotionally abusive marriage, then please read this. 

However, not all stressed out spouses are abusive. There is also the incredibly common issue of displacement. 

Displacement happens when your spouse may be mad or stressed because of something or someone else and takes it out on you instead. An example might be if he had a rough meeting with his boss and then comes home and screams at the kids. He can’t scream at his boss without getting fired, so he takes it out on someone he can get away with yelling at. That’s displacement. The stress is displaced from its proper target onto someone who is safer to take it out on. 

And there is absolutely nothing you can–or should!–do about this other than simply calling it out when you see it, helping your spouse talk through it, and then drawing boundaries around the unhealthy behaviour. 

If your husband or wife is taking their frustrations with their boss, money, insecurities, or friends out on you, that is an emotionally immature response and does not need to be tolerated by you, your children, or anyone else and is not your fault. 

Here’s a quick example from my daughter Rebecca and how she is working through this in her marriage: 

In our marriage, I’m the stressed out one and my husband is actually quite emotionally stable and laid-back. Displacement has been a huge issue I’ve had to face in our marriage. 

When we first got married, I was doing my honors thesis in my final year of university. It was incredibly, incredibly stressful. I often found that after particularly long or hard days at the lab I’d come home and everything Connor did ticked me off–even things I normally would find cute or endearing. 

I’d snap at him, he’d get hurt, and it raised the tension level in our marriage significantly. And both of us felt like the victims in this–I was so stretched thin and at the end of my rope that I honestly didn’t think that I could handle any of Connor’s silliness but was so overwhelmed and felt out of control, and he felt like I was telling him that he wasn’t good enough and was yet another source of stress in my life. 

Luckily we’re both psychology grads so we labelled what was happening as displacement quite quickly. But it wasn’t until we had that conversation and honestly talked about how it was unfair that I was taking my stress and anger out on Connor that we were able to start building up the healthy coping mechanisms that I was lacking. We were able to problem-solve because I didn’t want to snap at him and he was tired of being my emotional punching bag. But in order to grow more emotionally mature, I had to be faced with the fact that what I was doing was wrong, and that Connor was not going to take it anymore. 

 Sheila’s tip: Look honestly at yourself and the overall context of your spouse’s life to figure out what the trigger points for his/her stress are. Then work through what needs to change–modify your own behaviour, create some better systems to reduce trigger points, or start building up healthy coping mechanisms so that when stress comes it is properly dealt with. 

You need to allow your spouse to be honest about their stress–but you don’t need to be their emotional crutch.
Here’s what I think is going on from a cursory reading of this letter: they have a great time when they’re on vacation because the work world and everyday pressures are gone. But when those pressures are back, he’s stressed.

When you’re dealing with chronic stress, it can start to feel so big and overwhelming that you just need to get it out and talk about it. And your spouse can be a huge help with this! 

I’m concerned that this woman may not be allowing her husband to have that space to just vent.

She said,

I’ve treated him with the utmost respect. I haven’t screamed or made unreasonable demands. I did ask him to please refrain from continuously referring to problems he’s facing as they rarely resolve and because of that, I feel useless to help him gain victory which is just debilitating.

It seems as if her main concern here is that SHE feels debilitated by the fact that he has problems that don’t seem to have solutions. But if she feels debilitated by that, imagine how HE feels! They’re his problems, after all. They’re things that he has to face at work every single day. That kind of stress is horrible to go through day after day.

If you have a stressed-out spouse, you have the opportunity to be their oasis. You can be that person who helps them recover from a hard day at work and they feel rejeuvinated and ready to face the next day. Being willing to enter the horrible stress, anxiety, and depression that your burnt-out spouse is dealing with is one of the most meaningful, selfless things you can do. 

Now here’s a caveat: being your spouse’s listening ear is important, but if there is never any action to make it better or cope better, talking can become more about the stressed out spouse unloading their emotional burdens onto the other. That’s not fair–you can ask your spouse to join you in the middle of the mess, but you can’t just dump it on your spouse without any willingness to try to fix the problem or find ways to handle it better. But it’s also not fair to expect your spouse to just be able to switch the stress off and fix it immediately–often spouses who are experiencing long-term stress are burnt out and just simply don’t have as many emotional resources to help them find solutions. 

You need to have patience, but you don’t need to enable. If work is really that bad, brainstorm about how he/she may be able to find a new job, or how you could downsize so he/she could afford to take a lower paying, but much less stressful, job. If there are mental health issues or severe burnout involved, it is not unfair or unloving to insist that your spouse sees a licensed counsellor to help learn some healthy coping mechanisms.

Jumping in to fix the problem, however, when you’re not willing to enter into the horribleness with your spouse, can feel very dismissive. It says, “I am frustrated that your pain is inconveniencing me and I’m not willing to put up with it.” So before you start offering the solutions, make sure that you truly listen to your spouse’s heart. Hear the pain, the stress, the hopelessness they are feeling. Dive into it with them, mourn with them, and then work to build up a better life together.

If your spouse really isn’t willing to do anything other than complain, it is very appropriate to draw boundaries around that. People struggling with mental health issues often get into very negative spirals where they can talk about all the negative things in life but don’t have any energy or motivation to fix them.

You could say something like, “I know this hurts, I know this is hard, and I hate seeing how much this is affecting you. But we can’t live like this forever, so we need to try to find some solutions. If you just don’t feel like you can right now, then we need to talk to a licensed counsellor, and that is OK, too. But we need to have some hope that this will get better. So unless you are willing to see a counsellor or put some action steps into place, I’m sorry but I can’t just be an emotional dumping ground without any hope of it getting better when there are steps we could take to limit your stress. I will support you forever, but I’m not willing to just let you be so unhappy all the time and not even try to make it better.” 

Sheila’s tip: don’t withdraw or get upset if your spouse seems stressed, but enter into your spouse’s experience and work together towards healing, drawing boundaries when necessary.

Become a safe place for your spouse to work through his/her stress

Look, a lot of us are married to spouses who have stress. Sometimes it’s stress over potential job loss. Sometimes it’s stress because of toxic relationships at work. Sometimes it’s just simply the stress of the job. My husband has a LOT of stress at his work. He’s a pediatrician and often has to make life and death decisions. He sometimes can’t sleep and often has nightmares that he’ll do exactly the wrong thing. It’s scary. And I can never really understand it completely because I’m not a doctor (though I have this recurring nightmare where he gets paged in the middle of the night to come to a delivery for a premature baby and he sends me instead because he doesn’t want to go, and then I remember that I forgot to go to medical school and grab his textbooks before I jump in the car).

Here’s the question: What are you going to do to help your spouse through stress?

A few quick tips:

10 Tips for Helping Your Spouse Through Stress

Now here are 10 practical ways you can help your spouse go through stress:

1. DON’T express displeasure when your spouse is upset. Say something like, “you look like something’s bothering you. Do you want to go for a walk and talk about it?” rather than “why are you always so down?” or “can’t you just enjoy the family?”

2. DO allow them to process things with you. When they start talking, say something like, “tell me more about that” or “how did that make you feel”?

3. DON’T try to fix the problem. Just because there isn’t an immediate solution or an obvious course of action doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t talk about it. Sometimes the point is the talking, not the fixing.

4. DON’T enable hopelessness speak. Ranting and venting is one thing, but what we think and say becomes what we believe and how we act. So if your spouse starts saying things like, “I’ll never be able to get through this,” or “I just don’t think I’ll ever feel better,” nip those in the bud and talk about it or have your spouse see a counsellor.

5. DO express confidence that your spouse can handle this. Say things like, “I know you’ll make the right decision”, or “I’m so impressed that you managed to keep your cool” or “I think you’re handling this really well.”

6. DO use empathetic language. I don’t mean you should baby your spouse, but do use soothing words like, “I’m so sorry you’re going through this,” or “Just remember that I love you so much.” Those words can be like a balm on an open wound. 

7. DO ask if you can pray or help. Start the day by saying, “what’s one specific thing I can pray for you today?” And ask your spouse, “If there’s ever anything I can do to make it easier, even if it’s just researching other jobs or anything for you, let me know. I want to help, but I don’t want to do something that would make the situation even more awkward.”

8. DO keep having sex. Seriously! It’s a great stress reliever. Sometimes guys who are stressed find their libidos shut down. But if your husband is still willing, or still interested if you do the seducing, then do the seducing! Instead of getting upset because he may not initiate as much, you start initiating. It can be one of the best ways to help him feel close, strong, and powerful.

9. DO help your family home be a place of rest. If your spouse is dealing with chronic stress at work, make an effort to have non-work time be a time of rest. Say no to planning too many busy weekends, keep the house as clean as you can (one of my son-in-laws tricks when Rebecca gets stressed is just to clean the bathroom–it makes a huge difference!), and get in a habit of getting out and doing things together, whether it’s just walks in the park or playing soccer with the kids. 

10. DO call out good days when they happen. Very few people experience 100 bad days in a row. But when you’re chronically stressed, it’s hard to see the good days because the bad just seem so big and scary. So when a good day happens, call it out. Mention, “Hey, you seemed really happy today. It was so great to see that,” or ask, “What was so different about today that made it good? Let’s try to do that more often.” Learning to notice good days when they happen is an important step to getting over chronic stress or burnout. 

Now let me know in the comments: Has your spouse ever gone through a period of stress or burnout? How did you handle that period of your marriage?

Author


Social Media


Sheila's Best Posts


Books


Courses


Freebie






Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.


Find Sheila Here:

Facebook
Twitter
Instagram
YouTube
Pinterest



Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:

10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?



Check out some of Sheila's Books:

The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum



Check out Sheila's Courses:

The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course



Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!


























When You Need to Have Hard Conversations:

Are You a Spouse or an Enabler?

When Your Husband Refuses to Talk about Important Things