Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 64

Privacy or Secrecy? The Truth of Why Christians Don’t Talk About Sex

Why do Christians often seem so hesitant to talk about sex?

Today Melanie Wright from Love and Stand Together is joining us to look at the difference between privacy and secrecy–and I love the distinction she makes here.

It was the first time I’d heard of the term, “heavy petting,” among other things. Some friends had let my sisters borrow a book. It was a Christian book about sex, and honestly, though I devoured it from cover to cover, I don’t remember much, if anything, about the message of it. I just remember sneaking it from my sister’s bed, and in my 12 year old mind, I felt like this book was letting me in on a great big secret.

The Secret

Why was it a secret? Is sex supposed to be kept secret? If you grew up in the purity culture, you would definitely feel that way. Read the Bible honestly, however, and you’ll get a very different picture. Sex is commanded by implication in the very first chapter, when mankind was told to be fruitful and multiply. That was before there was sin in the world, by the way, which means that sex is a good thing! 

Sex is discussed with such frequency in scripture, that any parent who has tried to read the Bible aloud to their children has had to make a choice. “Do I skip the verses that talk about sexual immorality? Should I read them really fast and muffled? Or should I just read, trust the Lord, and accept whatever questions arise from the kids?” It’s easier said than done, but when you look at it that way, the answer is obvious.
For further reading on what is appropriate for children, you can check out, “How Far is Too Far In Front of the Kids.”

The Shame

God clearly created sex, and boundaries for it, but just as clearly, He did not intend for it to be treated like a big secret. We treat it that way out of confusion, insecurity, and shame.

Hollywood shows us a digitally touched up, professionally acted portrayal of sexuality that adds to our feelings of shame, because we have such a dramatically different experience. It makes us feel like something is wrong with us.

We have problems in our sexuality, but there is no one to ask, because the church doesn’t talk about that kind of thing. I’m not here to bash the church, I’m a conservative Christian too, and I know the struggle well. I’m here to lovingly point out where the problem lies.

The Truth

The truth about how we should handle sex becomes clear when we understand the difference between secrecy and privacy.

Secrecy hides.

It hides our insecurities, and our baggage, and it’s a safe place. This urge to hide goes all the way back to Adam and Eve at the fall. They hid in shame, and we all follow suit. Not only do we close our bedroom doors, but our entire discussion of sex is closed too. 

Privacy, on the other hand, protects something that is good and sacred.

We close the bedroom doors for privacy, and behind the doors, love, glory, and grace thrive. Then this love leads us to open discussion that is candid, healthy, and produces more growth.

Much of the church has failed to differentiate between secrecy and privacy. We’ve hidden from the topic of sex, because we feel shame. We feel the world’s shame, as the world continually abandons privacy, and flaunts a distorted picture of sexuality. We feel our own shame as we measure ourselves against that picture and fall short.

There are few people in our relational circles who will discuss it with honesty and integrity, or help us nurture it into the beautiful thing that God intended it to be. The enemy tells us the lie that everyone else has it all together anyway, so that we’ll remain feeling alone in our struggle.

Walking in Truth

Whether you currently have struggles in your sexual relationship or not, it’s important to talk about sex. Nobody has a problem-free sexual relationship. If you can’t find a friend who will talk openly about it with you so that you can help each other grow, then perhaps a therapist or some counseling is in order.

Healing can happen. Take up the battle against shame, and pursue God’s healing.

It can be a hard process to heal from the myriad of personal struggles we have with sex. There are times when you may feel like giving up. Times when you will start hiding again. But glimmers of change start to show, and the light of truth shines on the lies we’ve believed. With work, it gets better, and its worth it.

~Melanie

Melanie and her husband Brad have been married for 14 years, and have 3 children. Through the their blog, they share the tools and tips they’re learning as they pursue deeper intimacy together. They believe no one should struggle alone. At Love And Stand Together you’ll be energized to move past the places you feel stuck.

You’ll find ways to tackle struggles from new angles, for a marriage that thrives. Come on over to Love and Stand Together to get a FREE copy of 7 Keys to Better Love Your Spouse!

Visit Melanie on Facebook, and find her on Pinterest!

Melanie Wright

At Love And Stand Together

What do you think? Do we need to distinguish more between privacy and secrecy? Let’s talk in the comments!

10 Things to Know About Postpartum Sex

Postpartum sex can be a potential minefield of fears, insecurities, and frustrations. But does it have to be?

My baby boy came into this world with a bang–and by “with a bang” I mean I pushed him out in 5 contractions leaving me with a bad 3rd degree tear. I made the mistake of looking at the diagrams of the difference between the tears like 48 hours after delivery–I seriously regret that.

While I was at my check-ups with my midwives a few weeks later, I had a major panic attack while they examined my stitches. Like shaking, sobbing hysterically, almost fell off the examination table in sheer panic kind of attack. And so naturally that led them to having a long talk with me about postpartum recovery and especially postpartum sex since I was having so much anxiety about what was going on with my tear recovery.

I went into that appointment a complete mess. I left the appointment feeling heard, understood, and hopeful that maybe things would be able to get back to normal. So I wanted to share with you 10 key things that my midwives told me that helped curb the anxiety and send me on my way towards healing, thereby helping my marriage during the postpartum time!

1. Your body may recover at a different rate than other women’s

And yes, you do have a different vagina now. That’s OK, this is all normal. As my midwife said, “Childbirth just changes things.” And those changes mean recovery matters.

The 6 week mark is the bare minimum that doctors recommend to be put aside for recovery before having sex. The minimum. That means many women may (and do!) need more. And that is perfectly OK. 

And that woman you may be comparing yourself to may also be yourself–if you had a kid in the past and you were ready and rarin’ to go at the 6-week mark but this time you’re just not feeling ready physically, you are not a failure. If you have friends who didn’t seem to have any problems and you just aren’t able to have sex for months after the baby is born, just keep plugging away at your recovery and keep trying until it works. Let your body do what it needs to do–very, very, very few women have long-lasting problems with sexual pain following pregnancy. But many women take longer than 6 weeks to be able to have sex.

2. Postpartum sex doesn’t start with sex

You’re going to need to get to know your body again, re-teach it to get aroused, relax, and enjoy sex! So the whole conversation around postpartum sex isn’t just about “the deed”–you start with cuddling naked, kissing, massaging, touching, using your mouth, and only when you feel very, very ready you actually begin having intercourse.

This helps teach your body–which has just gone through a ton of trauma–how to respond to sexual stimulation again. And it also helps you know when you ARE ready for sex, because suddenly while you’re cuddling and kissing your body responds and you know you may be ready to try.

You may also be interested in:

Top 10 Things to Know About Women and Arousal
Should You Aim for Arousal, Not Sex?


3. You are not failing your husband if you need time to recover

Women who only need 6 weeks or less before they can have sex postpartum are not “better wives” than women who need longer.

Let me repeat that: you are not a “bad wife” for giving your body the time it needs to recover. 

Your responsibility during the postpartum period is to recover physically and figure out how to keep your little baby fed and happy. That’s it! You did not have control over how your body reacted to labour, and if your husband is making you feel guilty for having scar tissue or having pain so bad you cannot have sex for a long time postpartum that is completely on him. He vowed to love you in sickness and in health–this is part of the “in sickness.” So give yourself time to recover and do not feel guilty that your body–after ejecting a human–is taking a while to sort itself out.

4. Your husband does not “need” sex during this time

Men actually can go for extended periods of time without having sex. It’s perfectly normal. In fact, my midwives didn’t even mention the fact that he “needs” sex, or show him any sympathy for how difficult it might be that he’s not getting any for longer than expected. They saw how supportive and encouraging Connor was towards me and fully expected him to be able to be encouraging and supportive even if sex was off the table for a while.

My physiotherapist, too, had no qualms in telling me I was not cleared to have sex for lot longer than 6 weeks after taking a look at my tear. Medical professionals, who deal with these issues day in and day out, know that it is incredibly realistic to expect men to forego sex while their wives recover. That is the loving thing to do, to forego one’s wants to ensure the other gets what she needs. His sexual desires are not more important than your physical recovery needs.

Connor has been (unsurprisingly) amazing with this–again and again he has told me, “I’d rather we wait for longer and not bring sexual pain into our marriage than that we have sex sooner/more frequently.” To him, my pain trumps everything else. Why would he want to do something that he knows may cause me pain if he loves me? It was a no-brainer to him, just like it was to my midwives and my physiotherapist.

If your husband is not taking your pain seriously, or is primarily focused on getting sex even if it causes you pain or is not pleasurable due to other discomfort, please know that it is not normal and not necessary to be treated that way. He does not “need” sex–he will not die if he does not get sex. So this is his chance to be a sacrificially loving husband and put his needs aside and take care of you–the woman who just gave birth to his child.

5. Seek professional and/or medical help when necessary

Pelvic floor physiotherapy is a gift from God, truly. If you have literally any issue with your pelvic floor, whether it’s scar tissue from a tear or simply incontinence after giving birth, see one. They can help so much with a variety of women’s health issues. It is worth the investment.

But the other thing is don’t be afraid to seek professional mental health help, too, in the postpartum period. Even if you don’t suffer with PPD (postpartum depression), you can benefit from some talk therapy as you settle into this new life. If you do suffer with PPD, please do talk to a medical professional and a counselor to get the therapy and possibly medication that you need. Don’t be afraid to look for help, it can make a big difference for you, for your marriage, for your family.

6. Sleep really does wonders for your sex life

I do have to say, a sleep principles course we did with Alex was a life-changer for us. Two of our TLHV readers actually sent me a link to Taking Cara Babies within a week of us announcing our pregnancy, and we are so grateful they did!

At 5 weeks we did her newborn course (it’s a no-cry sleep principles method appropriate for young babies). When we started, Connor and I had literally no time alone because the baby was always sleeping on my chest or had to be hand-rocked in the bassinet to stay asleep. By the end of the first week after her course Alex napped in his crib in his own room and went to bed on his own at approximately the same time every night, giving us 2 hours completely to ourselves every evening. It was a game-changer, and it became so much easier to have time just to cuddle and watch romantic movies together.

Many people don’t have the option of good sleep due to health issues with their children, but as someone who is currently writing this with a 4-month-old sleeping soundly in the next room, I highly recommend doing a sleep education program with your baby ASAP. I don’t really know when or how we would have any alone time if we hadn’t done this course and we definitely wouldn’t have such a good sleeper.

7. Pain during postpartum sex should diminish over time

If you are experiencing pain during sex, that isn’t necessarily a bad thing–you may just be stretching out scar tissue. But if the pain doesn’t get better during sex, or if each sexual encounter doesn’t result in less pain the next time, that is a problem and is not normal.

Some pain is normal, pain that persists is not and is something you should see a pelvic floor physiotherapist about.

8. Postpartum sex should still be pleasurable

Even if it is slightly painful at times due to stretching, postpartum sex should still feel good! Take things very, very slowly. Do not go straight to thrusting, but allow your muscles to relax first so that by the time sex gets going it is not actively painful.

If the pain is such that sex does not feel pleasurable at all, and you’re gritting your teeth to get through it, slow down, stop, and try again later or using a different method (maybe you need to go back to manual penetration for a while until that stretches you out enough, for example). You do not have to have sex that is painful or not pleasurable–sex is for both of you, even during postpartum periods.

9. Breastfeeding hormones can make postpartum sex more difficult

Breastfeeding moms, can I get an “amen?”

Even if you were a higher-drive wife before, recognize that breastfeeding is a natural libido suppressant. I think it may be nature’s way of spacing out kids. So take time to schedule out when you want to have sex so you can prepare yourself and get into the right head space–don’t just wait for your libido to kick in naturally. Because it simply may not for the time being.

Don’t feel bad if you need to use lubrication, or if you take a bit longer to get “in the mood”–this is natural, and it goes back to normal eventually (according to my midwives and my research, anyway!).

10. Sex is still important, especially in the postpartum period

There’s a lot of focus on the baby during the postpartum period, and rightly so. But sex is also really important. Yes, you’re a mom. But you’re also a woman. And sex is something that can help you feel like a grown-up, even if you’ve been dealing with spit up and poopy diapers all day.

Sex doesn’t just mean intercourse, either–but having time to be intimate together, whether that’s cuddling naked together or mutually bringing each other to orgasm through other means is a gift you can give your marriage even during the postpartum period before you’re ready to start having sex. Don’t stop kissing each other or hugging just because you have a baby now–your marriage is more important, not less, now that you have a little baby in your lives.

What are some things you wish you knew about postpartum sex? Any tips or tricks to make the transition easier? Let us know in the comments below!

What Is Real Intimacy? And What Does Sex Have to Do With It?

What is real intimacy?

Is it friendship? Sex? Or more?

I met my husband while I was in university. We became best friends quite quickly and were soon spending all our time together, telling each other everything. It was wonderful.

About a year and a half into that friendship I realized that I actually liked him “that way”. And soon after we started dating. Again, I told him everything.

We could sit for hours and just talk–about important stuff, about not so important stuff, about anything.

When we got married I believed that’s what intimacy was–that ability to talk about anything, and still feel as if the other person heard you.

But somehow over the course of the first few years of our marriage we lost that. When you’re friends, it’s easy to feel intimacy because you don’t have expectations on the person in the same way, and so it’s harder for them to let you down. It’s easier to feel, “we’re total soul mates”.

But in marriage, expectations come to play. Maybe you have different ideas of who will do the dishes, or of how hard both of you will work outside the home, or of how much you’ll make love.

And these things take a long time sorting out when we get married. Quite often couples never do entirely sort them out.

When we’d have a particularly bad time in our marriage, I often would think back to those dating days, and wish that I could get back to “real intimacy”. If only we could just talk for hours again, we’d feel close.

I now realize that I was wrong.

Talking and sharing your heart is a wonderful PART of real intimacy, but it is only a part.

And in marriage, it isn’t really enough.

In marriage, real intimacy should also involves making love. I think sometimes we pigeonhole sex into being something that he “needs” biologically, and so we sort of look down on sex, like it’s a baser thing, while talking is a higher thing. But perhaps that comes from a misunderstanding about sex.

We tend to think that sex is all about the physical–it’s about getting release. So sex is only about pleasure–and often only about his pleasure.

But it’s so much more than that!

The way that God made it requires deeper and deeper levels of intimacy to make it wonderful.

We’re naked together, which is intimate. In order to relax and really let go and feel good, we have to become vulnerable. We have to tell him what we like, and we have to literally and figuratively let him in. Literally because that’s how sex works, and figuratively because for women, sex is mostly in our heads. We can’t get aroused unless we DECIDE that we’re going to enjoy it. For us it’s largely a mental experience. And that means that we need to make the decision to embrace him–that we’re not just going to “lie there”, but we’re actually going to have a good time.

Making love, when it works the way that God designed it, truly should be intimate.

And when we don’t make love, or when we only make love rarely, intimacy in our marriage is hindered.

We feel like there’s something wrong. We long to talk, but somehow it never quite brings that heart connection that we want. And when we feel distant, we often start snapping, because we don’t want to feel guilty about it. So we tend to frame him as the one in the wrong. It’s a vicious circle.

Does your marriage need some spicing up–and some fun?

Try these 24 dares–plus one bonus–to take your marriage to the next level!

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Real intimacy in marriage is about sharing something with your spouse that you don’t share with anybody else.

It’s letting him in. It’s laughing together. And it’s also feeling that deep hunger for each other. Somewhat ironically, when we feel that way, we’re often more drawn to pray together, because we’ve already become vulnerable with each other. We’ve let down all the pretences. That’s also why when we pray together first, it often makes sex even more intense.

When we’re married, intimacy encompasses all of that–your body, your heart, your mind. And it’s a truly beautiful thing. This is why I wrote The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex–to show everything that sex was supposed to be, and help people experience real intimacy in the bedroom in every way (emotionally, spiritually, AND physically).

Maybe you don’t have that kind of real intimacy.

Perhaps sex has always been difficult for you because you’re an abuse survivor, or because you did things before you’re married that you’re not proud of. Maybe he’s the one with no libido, and you feel really alone. Maybe sex has just fallen off your radar screen because you’re so busy and so tired and everyone’s hanging off of you all day already. Maybe your marriage has underlying problems where you can’t feel safe–and it’s emotionally dangerous (and honestly–this needs to be dealt with first!). Or maybe you just feel really distant from your husband in general.

I’m not saying that getting your sex life right will fix all of these problems (and it certainly can’t fix emotionally destructive marriages). I know that some things are far more deep seated.

But I also know that when we are connecting physically, it makes it so much easier to tackle some of the other problems in our marriage–communication, finances, parenting techniques, whatever.

Often we women think that we need to get those things sorted out first before we can have a great sex life. Those are the things holding us back. Or we figure we need to create this super close friendship again first.

When we don’t make love, or when we only make love rarely, intimacy in our marriage is hindered.

(Click here to tweet this quote)

But can I make a suggestion?

Understand that it can also work the other way. If your spouse is the one with the higher libido, then they likely see sex as a way of checking in on the relationship. Having sex is their way of knowing, “everything’s okay. We’re close. We’re good.”  If they feel close and secure, then the rest of these issues become much easier to deal with.

Many (not all) women need to feel loved in order to make love. And many (not all) men make love to feel loved. If you’re waiting to feel loved to make love, you could be waiting a long time.

But if you can tell yourself all the benefits of sex for you and for the relationship–and jump in–you may find that your needs get met, too. Plus you get to feel awesome!

After all, sex tends to make you sleep better. Have sex lots, and you tend to get fewer colds and fewer forms of some mental illnesses. You feel more relaxed. You feel closer. You laugh more. It’s all good!

What if sex doesn’t feel very good for you, though? That’s okay. It takes a while for many women. But you can make it into a great research project you do with your husband, because you were meant to feel awesome. Don’t give up!

You may also enjoy:

10 Tips if You’ve Never Reached Orgasm Yet
9 Great Sex Tips for Her


Today is Valentine’s Day.

I don’t know where you are in your marriage today; maybe you’re angry, or resentful, or just lonely. Maybe you just feel blah. But try to focus on doing what you can to feel more intimate in every way–including in the bedroom. And if you do prioritize the bedroom, you just may find that a lot of these other problems are much more easily solved.

When I started doing that in my marriage, I suddenly got my best friend back again.

And now, whenever we start to feel distant, I often find that before we really talk about why, we need to make love. It increases the goodwill between us so that we can tackle these problems.

So don’t think that your marriage would be better if only he’d become your best friend again. Instead, focus on how to be his lover, and you just may find you have your best friend, too!

Want to figure out more how to experience this kind of intimacy in your marriage?

If you’re really struggling, please pick up The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex. It will help change your attitude towards sex, so that it won’t be an obligation or something tedious, but will instead become something wonderful that you were meant to enjoy.

Or if you understand this, but things have gotten stale, or you want something special for Valentine’s Day, check out my 24 Sexy Dares! They’re only $6.99, and they’re a great present that any high-drive spouse is bound to love! The dares where he takes the lead are focused on helping her feel confident, and discovering new ways to make her aroused. The dares that she takes the lead on help him feel like the center of attention, and really help spice things up! And then the 8 dares that you do together–well, they’re awfully fun, too.

Happy Valentine’s Day, everybody! 

Like this post? You should also check out:

Preparing for Sex Throughout the Day

Sex Pep Talk

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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.


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Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:

10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?



Check out some of Sheila's Books:

The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum



Check out Sheila's Courses:

The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course



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PODCAST: What Does it Mean to Be a Sexual Being?

Can you be a sexual being–even if you’re single? What does being sexual mean, anyway?

Valentine’s Day is tomorrow, and so I thought I’d explore what it means to be sexual in the podcast today, and how being sexual involves our bodies, yes, but also so much more!

But first, listen in:

 

Listen to the Podcast Here

Browse all the Different Podcasts

See the Last “Start Your Engines” (Men’s) Podcast

Main Segment: What does it mean to be a sexual being?

A woman wrote in with this question:

I firstly want to say that I love your work and frequently get sucked into the rabbit Warren of your blog following one article to another and nodding along or having my mind blown. I have just started reading The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex and am really looking forward to seeing what happens in my marriage as a result but only a few pages in, I have a question. You say, “You were created for sex… It’s deeply wired into you, into the very centre of who you are. You are a sexual being.”

I have been thinking about this line of thought a lot over the past year as I lead youth group. I feel like this line of thought is identical to that of society. “You are a sexual being and therefore need to be true to who you are in order to be fulfilled as a person.” It sounds so similar. I know we are approaching it from a God crested you and sec stand point but if something is at the “centre of who we are” how can we be happy without it and what kind of God would expect us to be? Why would God create people with sex at the very centre of who they are and then expect some people to never have sex?

I’m not saying sex isn’t created by God and a great gift, I just wonder if telling people they are created for sex and that it’s at the centre of who they are is helpful or even really true. I would say what we are created for is to be in relationship with God and to love and honour him and that is at the centre of who we are.

Great question. What does it mean to be sexual? A lot of it is a longing for connection, but also an embrace of our physical selves.  I launch into my explanation here, as paltry as it may be. These are hard things to fully explain!

You may also enjoy these posts:

The Theology of the Clitoris
How Sex is the Gift of Being in the Moment


Reader Question: Why Do Men Like Oral Sex So Much?

This may seem like an odd question for today’s podcast, but my answer gets at the heart of what sexuality is supposed to look like. A woman asks:

Why do men particularly love receiving oral sex? What is it about that particular act that makes it something they desire more than other forms of sex? (I know I’m generalizing, by the way, for the sake of brevity.) It seems like in every single story I read these days about sex abuse scandals, it’s almost always ORAL sex that was demanded or coerced. It’s to the point that it’s hard for me NOT to associate it with situations of abuse, intimidation, or the demeaning of women, and so it’s really hard for me to imagine performing it on my husband (regardless of what an amazing, loving person he is!). Can you help me understand “what the deal is,” and offer some suggestions to help disassociate oral sex from such awful, negative connotations?

I’m glad to have the opportunity to unpack this, and honestly, this segment is IMPORTANT. Please listen in! I talk about the difference between “kingdom of God” principles and values that Jesus came to usher in, and the world’s values. (And non-Christians can operate from kingdom of God principles, and those who call themselves Christian may not. It’s not straightforward.).

Basically, we need to remember Jesus’ words:

“You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them.  Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave—  just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

Matthew 20:25-28

Kingdom of God principles means that sex should not be domineering. It should be mutually life giving and satisfying. But we’ve replaced that with an attempt to dominate and coerce, so that power is what is seen as sexy. We see that in the 50 Shades of Grey series, and in porn, and, yes, in sexual abuse (which is really about power, not just sex). We need to make sure that this is not the way it is in our marriages. 

Please listen, because this matters!

Reader Question: Can spanking as a child cause sexual dysfunction later?

A woman writes with another question about how our sexuality may be messed up. She says:

Can you look into PTSD from being spanked as a child and how that leads to sexual disfunction later on in marriage? 

For example, as a child my father would beat me with a belt while he held me down on my stomach on my bed. The church accepted and  promoted this abuse. This is so so very wrong and evil. How can experiencing physical (and emotional) abuse that creates blood flow and pain to the same parts of your body that are responsible for sexual arousal NOT affect your sex life as an adult? I have flashbacks from the abuse every time my husband wants to do certain sexual positions. And I have broken veins on my leg left from contusions/bruises from the abuse. I have met with three separate Christian counselors and have given up seeking help because all three counselors sided with the church’s view on spanking.

First, this is horrible. I am so sorry that she suffered this.

And this is not spanking. This is abuse. We need to start calling it out. 

And if you’re at a church that supports this, please find another church that is safe for you and your family. And if you go to counselors who don’t listen–believe me, there are other counselors out there who are safe. They just may not be affiliated with your church.

Rebecca joined me on the podcast to talk about spanking and its effects that she found when she wrote her book Why I Didn’t Rebel. And I’d suggest this post, too–10 ways to discipline without spanking.

So, please, listen in, because this was more of a foundational podcast where we talked about some big issues. But then let’s talk–how do we stop seeing sex as a power thing? I’d love to hear in the comments!

Our New Trick for At-Home Married Date Nights

I have something super quick and fun for you today–the new way that Keith and I are doing date nights at home!

Now, “married date nights” may be a misnomer, because I’m not talking about spending the whole evening in one activity.

But what I mean is this: We often get into ruts where we watch a lot of Netflix and I knit. I need that time to knit; it’s relaxing, and I love it. But as I was sharing last month when we talked about habits, when something becomes your default, it’s hard to break it.

That’s why we often spend a lot longer than we would want to on certain activities, and ignore the activities that we actually do want to do! Because we only have so much brain power to use in a day, we naturally gravitate towards the things that are the easiest and that have become habitual. If we want to do something different, then we have to deliberately start a new pattern.

So here’s what we do.

Every night, before we’re allowed to watch Netflix, we roll dice to tell us what we’re going to do for twenty minutes first.

Let me explain.

We have a number of hobbies that we do together (you can find your own to try in the 79 Hobbies for Couples!), and we absolutely love several new two-player board games that we’ve bought recently, and that I talked about yesterday. The problem is that we don’t do them nearly as often as we would like.

So at the beginning of the year we decided something had to change–especially since we were going on a 3-week cruise in February with my mother, and we wanted to be ready to have fun dancing on the cruise! (because one of our big hobbies is ballroom dancing!).

Keith and I dancing at a garden party back in 2001!

I shared a while ago how we take ballroom dancing lessons online with Passion4Dancing, and I wanted to nail the chacha and the swing down before we left for the cruise (we’re pretty good at the rumba and foxtrot), but that meant that we had work to do. We can do that work pretty easily in 20 minute sessions, though. Each lesson is only about 8 minutes long, and then we can practice what you’ve learned for several minutes to music on YouTube.

Passion4Dancing has 3 free lessons in each dance type, so you can learn the basic steps to the Rumba, Chacha, Swing, Waltz, Foxtrot, and more. Then you can buy a membership and get even better (that’s what we’ve done)! Here’s a video I made of us doing the rumba a few years ago:

 

Check out Passion4Dancing here!
So we decided that we’d make sure that we spent 20 minutes doing something together, where we’re actually enjoying each other and spending time together, before we get on a screen.

We assigned it like this (the last three options are board games that I featured in last week’s post on two-player board games!).

Genealogy (we’re tracing our family trees on Ancestry.com!)
Ballroom Dancing
Take a walk
Play Photosynthesis
Play Tiny Towns
Play Wingspan

Realizing how much help we needed with ballroom dancing, we amended it so that we did dancing EVERY night in January (prepping for our cruise), and then rolled the dice for something else to do, but it works great!

Now, Photosynthesis and Wingspan do take more than 20 minutes, but that’s okay. We still like doing them.

So why not try something like that for your date nights at home?

 

Make a list of 6 things you’d like to do more often, and then roll the dice. As soon as the kids go to bed, do that thing together. Then you can watch Netflix or do something on your own afterwards, too. But at least you’ve spent some time together.

When we get back from our cruise we’re going to add some organizing tasks to the dice–assign different closets/rooms to the numbers, and roll the dice and we have to spend 10 minutes organizing before we move on to something fun. But you get the picture. Can be adapted for whatever you want–even something sexual (I’ve got dice in my sexy dares!)

What (other than sex!) do you wish you and your spouse would do more of together? What’s keeping you? Let’s talk in the comments!

Like this post so far? You should also check out:

One Thing Most Couples Get Wrong about Date Night

79 Hobbies To do as a Couple

50 Conversation Starters for Couples

10 Ways to Signal Yes to Your Husband

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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.


Find Sheila Here:

Facebook
Twitter
Instagram
YouTube
Pinterest



Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:

10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?



Check out some of Sheila's Books:

The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum



Check out Sheila's Courses:

The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course



Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!

10 Resources to Help You Get More Comfortable with Your Body

Do you find it hard to get comfortable with your body?

And is part of the problem that you just don’t understand how your body works? I just finished a few posts about the Ultimate Women’s Wellness Bundle to help you understand your body. But what if you didn’t get it and you need more help? Or what if the help you want is really more in terms of sexual confidence, and not just wellness?

I wrote a post a few years ago with a bunch of resources that I think are helpful, and I’m going to take the opportunity to update it and rerun it today, since Keith and I are on vacation, but also because I think it’s an important one that I’d like to get more eyeballs to! So here we go:

A reader just sent me this question:

Reader Question

Recently I was talking to some friends and we agreed that growing up as conservative Christians we didn’t always receive the best education on sex or even the basics of how our bodies are supposed to work. This is especially true when it comes to integrating physical and spiritual health. We’ve done our own research, but we would love to find more good resources that address these issues from a Christian perspective.

1. The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex

Of course every woman needs The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex! My most popular book, it covers how God made sex to be awesome in 3 ways: physically, spiritually, and emotionally. And it tells you how to get to awesome, too, if you’re just not there yet!

I think as Christians we perhaps talk about the spiritual aspect mostly, and we do it in ways that aren’t really necessarily that helpful to people: “Sex is so beautiful when it’s between two married people!” (Yes, but what does BEAUTIFUL actually mean? And HOW is it beautiful?). “Making love is so profound.” (Yes, but isn’t it supposed to feel good, too?).

If you’re like this woman and you grew up in a very conservative household where sex just wasn’t talked about, then you definitely need this book! I’ve had people write to me who thought something was wrong with their sex life but they couldn’t even articulate it. It turns out they didn’t know where the vagina was (one woman thought it was supposed to go into her belly button). Another couple had never consummated their marriage because it turns out he wasn’t getting erections. But they didn’t know that!

But even if you’re not naive, The Good Girl’s Guide can help you see sex as far more than just physical, and it can help you experience the profound nature of sex, too. And it’s written like I’m just a fun big sister talking to you, so it’s not embarrassing or anything.

Check it out here!

2. Sheila’s Sex Ed Blog Posts

Do you wonder what some sexual terms mean? Do you know how your fertility works? What about how arousal works?

I’ve got a whole host of posts that can help with sex ed (that many of us missed!).

A Dictionary of Sexual Terms Adults Should Know
10 Things to Know About Women and Arousal
10 Things that Go Wrong in the Bedroom–that You Should Seek Help For
The Theology of the Clitoris
The Theology of the Penis

3. Taking Charge of Your Fertility

Probably the resource that is recommended to me the most about understanding your reproductive cycle is Taking Charge of Your Fertility. Whether you’re trying to get pregnant, or trying NOT to get pregnant, this book will help you understand the natural rhythms of  your body. And when you understand that, you’re far more likely to give yourself a break when you get moody, to prepare beforehand for cramps, to not worry so much that you’re going to have an unexpected pregnancy, and so much more!

Rebecca (my millennial married daughter) was telling me yesterday how millennials are really moving away from The Pill and hormonal birth control methods and more towards understanding fertility. I think that’s a great trend.

Plus, it’s just a confidence booster. 

So today, for Top 10 Tuesday, I thought I’d list 10 resources that can really help you understand your body better and even feel comfortable with your body. So many of us grow up with a lot of shame, and it’s time to combat that! I’m going to list 10 things that I think are really helpful. Zero in on the one or two that address things you struggle with the most, and check them out!

And thanks to the many people who have suggested many of these resources to me! These are all reader-approved and reader-recommended, so I hope you find them useful, too!

So many of us grow up with a lot of shame in regard to our bodies and our sexuality, and it’s time to combat that!

(Click here to tweet this quote)

4. iPeriod App

Along with great information on understanding how your cycle works, how about trying an app that will help you track your cycle and predict when you’ll get especially moody, hungry, crampy, or even more in the mood! I talk about the benefits of tracking your cycle quite a bit in my Boost Your Libido course, and I’m a big fan of apps that help you do that, because I think they empower women to not feel so at the whim of their bodies. When we know what’s happening and why, it’s easier to deal with it. My youngest daughter gains about 3-4 pounds before her period every month. When she forgets that her period is coming, she often goes through this self-flagellation about how she has to exercise more. But when she realizes, “oh, yeah, it’s just time,” then it’s no big deal.

I like iPeriod, but you can test different ones to see what works for you!

5. Boost Your Libido Course

One of the biggest problems when it comes to our sex lives is that most women just don’t understand how libido works for us. We think we should automatically be “in the mood” and breathless when he walks in the room, and when we’re not, we figure that we just don’t want sex.

And then we feel like failures, and like we’re disappointing our husbands, and that leads us on a never-ending negative spiral that makes the problem worse.

I created this online course to help women reclaim our sex drives–mostly by understanding how they work in the first place! I want to share two comments I’ve had from women taking the course:

 

We have been married 25 years and I am not sure that I ever saw sex as hot and holy at the same time. It was life changing for me to allow myself to think about sex with my husband and to look forward to it and think I can enjoy it and feeling pleasure is a good thing that God even wants me to enjoy in my marriage.  I am working through the course and can see a number of lies I have mistakenly believed for a LONG time.  How refreshing to talk about these important topics in a safe and Godly way. And it has opened up conversations between me and my husband we should have had years ago.

Here’s another:

I am in my sixties, married for almost 30 years. We even saw a sex therapist some years ago, yet this is the first time I have understood some of the aspects of female sexuality and arousal that you explain.

Awesome! Don’t wait until you’ve been married for 25 years or until you’re 60 to truly “get” this! Check it out now.

 
6. Sexy Dares

Try my sexy, spicy dares! She takes the lead on 8 of them, he takes the lead on 8 of them, and then there are 8 that you do together. Plus the bonus one is sure to boost your intimacy at all levels!

The dares are designed to help her feel desired, sexy, and confident, and to uncover what she really enjoys. And they’re designed to help him feel spicy and wanted, too.

Check them out–they’re great for Valentine’s Day!

Does your marriage need some spicing up–and some fun?

Try these 24 dares–plus one bonus–to take your marriage to the next level!

Let's add some heat!



















7. Trim Healthy Mama

Do you struggle with your weight? Have you tried everything to lose weight, but feel hopeless? Or are you simply overwhelmed with all the information on sugar and hormones and low carb/low fat/vegan/supplements and all that other stuff on the internet?

I have so many readers who swear by Trim Healthy Mama. They have an awesome program to help you understand how your unique body works, along with recipes, podcasts, and more.

See them here!

8. Trying Some Stretching and Strength Exercises

I’ve been starting every morning in 2020 (I haven’t missed one yet!) with yoga and stretching videos. It makes me feel so much better, and my back pain has almost gone away.

I’m still horribly inflexible, and so a lot of the poses I can’t do well, but I’m getting better, slowly but surely.

Amazon Prime in the U.S. has a wide selection of pilates and yoga videos that are great and that are free with your prime subscription. I’m partial to any yoga videos with Julia Marie, myself!

If you’d rather head to a gym, that do that, too. But try to stretch everyday. Turning on your body’s muscles helps you feel more confident in your body, too.

9. Try Starting a Capsule Wardrobe

Creating a capsule wardrobe changed the way I get dressed in the morning. I pick out my 20 items to wear each month that all coordinate together, and then I find the accessories, like scarves, necklaces, belts, or bracelets that go with each outfit, and stick them right on the hanger. Now when I get dressed, I look put together, and it takes no time!

I love the idea of a capsule wardrobe because you end up buying fewer items, but also items that are higher quality. And you know that you always coordinate. Check out how I do my capsule wardrobe.

10. A Comfortable (and even luxurious) Bathroom Kit

Bad breath. Stinky armpits. Acne.

Remember being 13 and being worried that everyone in the world felt you stank and that you were ugly? Your body was offensive to everyone around you. And you had no idea how often to shower and how often to wash your hair and sometimes you still forgot to brush your teeth.

Sometimes those days are really traumatic, and we feel such shame and awkwardness about our bodies that we never seem to grow out of it. We still worry that our body is offensive to everyone.

So how do you get over it? Here’s where I’d like your input in the comments!

I think every woman needs luxurious things in her bathroom that let her say: I am beautiful. Not only is my body not offensive–it smells nice and fresh and it looks taken care of.

And that can be hard if you don’t have a big bathroom or if your bathtub is taken over by rubber duckies and toys.

So here’s what I’d like to brainstorm about: I think every woman needs a pretty basket with all of her grooming supplies inside: a super great razor or something else to handle unwanted hair; a great soap or safe body wash; a loofah; a pumice stone; a great face wash and moisturizer; a body spray; or anything else you think! Stuff that will help you to feel–I’ve got this under control.

When you grow up with a mom who may not do this well, then the drug store can feel overwhelming. So what items would you add? I’ll do a post on it soon, but I’d love your input!

And with Valentine’s Day coming just around the corner, my Sexy Dares make a great fun, inexpensive gift for your spouse! The dares where he takes the lead really are focused on helping her get comfortable with her body and feel pleasure, so that may be a great place to start!

So there you go–10 resources that will help women feel more comfortable about their bodies and know their bodies better. Now let’s talk in the comments–have you ever used any of these resources? Did they help you? And what would you put in that bathroom basket?

Like this post? Check these ones out:

Fight the Frump: Finding an Easy Hairstyle

Fight the Frump: Mastering Natural Makeup

Fight the Frump: Finding Clothes that Fit and Flatter

Fight the Frump: Creating Outfits

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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.


Find Sheila Here:

Facebook
Twitter
Instagram
YouTube
Pinterest



Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:

10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?



Check out some of Sheila's Books:

The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum



Check out Sheila's Courses:

The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course



Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!

Love Your Body Series: Do You KNOW Your Body?

 It crept up on my so slowly I didn’t know it wasn’t normal.

(and this is going to get way too TMI, so I’m sorry!).

It started in my late 30s with having to use super-plus tampons. Then I had to start wearing tampons, and not just pads, to bed or else I’d leak. By age 43, I was sleeping with a towel under me.

I stopped doing errands on the first two days of my period because I couldn’t go anywhere without leaking. And if a speaking engagement happened to fall on one of those days–I was beset with a migraine the whole time.

I was exhausted. I remember coming home from speaking at a MOPS conference so completely worn out I burst into tears the next morning when it was time to go to church. I just didn’t have the energy to get dressed.

My husband marched me off to the doctor, and I found out that I was anemic–I was really low on iron. And the cause wasn’t hard to find. I was having way too heavy periods, caused by hormone fluctuations of perimenopause, and uterine fibroids. But I truly hadn’t known that anything was abnormal.

I had a minor surgery called a uterine ablation that helped, and I changed my diet to help control the hormone fluctuations, and within a few months I felt like I hadn’t in years. But I really mourned those years I had battled exhaustion and fatigue and just plain frustration and inconvenience because I didn’t know that this wasn’t just part of the aging process that I had to live with.

Disclosure: Affiliate links ahead.

That’s why I’m excited to tell you about the Ultimate Women’s Wellness Bundle that’s for sale right now–but only until midnight tonight! It’s a huge collection of online resources that can help you understand your body; feel more confident; balance your hormones (as I talked about last Wednesday); find more relaxation; and so much more.

Check it out here!

One of those resources especially could have helped me avoid all the trouble I had–Perimenopause: The Savvy Sister’s Guide to Hormone Harmony. Author Anna Garrett explains:

Flooding or prolonged periods are both caused by an excess of estrogen that stimulates the uterine lining to grow, grow, grow. If you happen to not ovulate in a particular month, then there’s nothing to signal your body to have a period, and the lining keeps on growing. When you finally do have a period, it can be extremely heavy or clot-filled (or both) and long. Not only is this annoying, it can lead to anemia over time which can result in other health problems. Low levels of red blood cells and iron contribute to fatigue, poor memory, dizziness, paleness, and other problems because inadequate amounts of oxygen are transported to the cells. Anemia can become a vicious cycle because it also makes a woman more likely to bleed more heavily.

Anna Garrett

Perimenopause: The Savvy Sister’s Guide to Hormone Harmony, Women's Wellness Bundle

When things go wrong with our body, we assume that there’s nothing we can do about it; it’s genetic (my mom had it!); ti’s our lot in life. We’re helpless. And we feel depressed.

But what if a lot of these things can be controlled by what we do? What if the reason it’s genetic is because your mom tended to have the same habits you do and eat the same foods you do?

I didn’t realize that having to sleep on a towel and not being able to go grocery shopping on day 1 of my period was abnormal.

For many people, learning what you have and treating it. For others–reducing the impact of fatty liver disease; of exhaustion; of acne; of stringy hair; of weight gain; of mental fog and depression. Not all, of course. The body doesn’t work like that. But knowing how all of this goes together is empowering. You feel like–I don’t have to put up with this! I can do something about it!

And it starts with learning, which is why I just love these Bundles! They’re full of so many resources that you would otherwise not have heard of, and they can introduce you to ideas you’ve wanted to explore, but didn’t know where to start. Even if you use just a few of the resources, you’ll get more than your money’s worth!

Instead of being upset at your cycle every month, for instance, what if you could use the ebb and flow of your energy and hormones during your cycle to boost your productivity?

That’s what the Power up Your Period e-course will teach you.

By learning to decode your menstrual cycle, you can actually harness the power of your hormone ebbs and flows throughout your cycle.

When you work WITH your body rather than against it, your life is filled with greater predictability and ease.

Knowing what to eat, how to exercise, and what types of work projects to focus on during each phase of your cycle is KEY!

Boost your energy levels, your relationships, and your productivity, too!

Power up Your Period

Women's Wellness Bundle

I’ve talked before about how our libido changes over the course of our period, but understanding how the energy boost at ovulation can be useful for more than just sex–and how the luteal phase can be great for contemplation, planning, and relaxation helps put a better rhythm to your life. So interesting!

Intermittent Fasting

There’s a great resource in the bundle on how intermittent fasting works, and I’m very excited about it. My mother and my husband have both lost 30 pounds using intermittent fasting, and they both feel and look great!

Can I just brag on my mom for a little bit here? My mom has struggled with her weight for years, even though she eats relatively little sugar; tends to eat at home and not go out to eat very much; she’s walked and exercised regularly; and still her weight edged up. The problem was metabolism. Hers was slow like molasses.

So in the spring of 2017 she decided she’d try intermittent fasting. One day she’d eat like normal, and the next day she’d only eat 500 calories. And the weight just started to come off! Not just that–but she keeps inching downward, and she’s kept it off. And she feels so much better.

Mom in 2016, right before she moved in with us!

Mom last winter, after having lost 40 pounds.

Or here’s the contrast from the girls’ weddings! She wore the same dress (it’s awesome; it’s purple; and it’s her). Plus a handknit shawl for Katie’s winter wedding:

When we started to see how well it was working for my mom, Keith started intermittent fasting as well. Here you can see him side-by-side; in 2016 with Connor on our cruise, with the “blue steel” pose from Zoolander; and then this fall, wearing the same thing, as we got ready to welcome our grandson!

The bundle contains the book “Intermittent Fasting for Better Health: The Purposeful Nutrition Guide to Weight Loss, Balanced Blood Sugar, and More Energy”. Of course you should always check with your doctor before trying fasting, and the book talks about who fasting is NOT appropriate for, but increasingly it’s being seen to be a great tool for increasing metabolism and helping to give the liver a break and improve gut health.

The reason we don’t lose weight on traditional calorie reduction diets is that our bodies think we’re starving, so they start conserving fat and slow down the metabolism. With fasting, for one day you eat like normal so your body knows food is available, and then the next day you get very little, so it burns fat. That helps with insulin levels, hormones, and so much more (and is much more in tune with how ancestors originally ate!). And the best part about it is that it’s totally sustainable. You don’t have to cut out any particular food, but you can do it for the rest of your life.

She writes:

And this may sound a bit strange, but enjoy that feeling of hunger. In our western culture we don’t often feel hungry. It is a sign of how much abundance we really have. When we fast, it sets us up to appreciate feasting more. We in the West don’t really appreciate feasting in our times, because we do so little fasting. I am learning to enjoy that feeling of hunger, because I know I can eat when I want to, and I can eat good and healthy foods. I am so grateful for that. 

Intermittent Fasting for Better Health

Women's Wellness Bundle

But the Bundle covers so much more.

To take our “iron sharpening iron” series even further, and help learn to put it into practice, there’s even a course called “Love and Boundaries” that will help you:

Gain strategies for developing courage
Learn tools for emotional weightlifting
Learn where I struggle with boundaries
Find compassion and grace for myself and others
Practice identifying, understanding, and communicating emotions
Learn how to stop escalating and manipulating conversations
Learn to understand and be understood  

Love and Boundaries

Women's Wellness Bundle

And, of course, there are plenty of resources on fertility and tracking your cycle, too, including Well & Good: Supercharge Your Health for Fertility and Wellness. In that book, author Nat asks the question:

Before you eat, do you think about the nutritional value of your meal? You wouldn’t be alone if the answer was no. 

Well and Good

Women's Wellness Bundle

But does that scare you? Make you think that you have to start counting how much B12 and folic acid is in everything you eat? Really, the answer is learning what categories of food NOT to eat, and what to include more of. I’ve switched to the whole foods diet (though I do cheat), and I try to include healthy fats as much as possible, and once you get the hang of it, it isn’t that difficult. And these resources will help you! Food is not just about fun, it’s also about fuel. Here’s what Nat sets out to do:

Fertility is about a thriving reproductive system, free from hormone imbalance, menstrual issues, conditions such as PCOS, endometriosis, thyroid issues and a whole swag of other symptoms. It is about a thriving body. To help you achieve this goal, I will share with you some of my favourite hormone-boosting recipes and also assist you to come to a whole new way of understanding and fuelling your body. 

Well and Good

Women's Wellness Bundle

That helps not just your fertility, but your hormones, your well-being, your mental state, your ability to sleep, and even your libido, as we talked about last Wednesday. And the bundle has a great course for something I’m really passionate about–pelvic floor health. We’ll be talking more about that this month, and I’ve talked about the importance of pelvic floor health before when it comes to sexual pain like vaginismus. But it’s also so important post partum, when you feel like you leak every time you sneeze, and more. Your pelvic floor muscles hold everything together, and when they don’t work well, we really do suffer.

Dr. Orlena’s Pelvic Floor Solution course sends you videos for four weeks with “hypopressive” exercises (that she thoroughly explains) that are quick and that give you so much more control.

And there’s so much more! Altogether 32 eBooks, 32 eCourses & audios, 12 workbooks & printables, 2 summits & a documentary can help you achieve your wellness goals. And they retail for $4641.70, but the bundle sells for just $39.–but only until midnight tonight!

Seriously, check out everything you get right here.

Let me see what's in the bundle!



I talk a lot about sex on this blog, but you can’t have great sex without taking care of your physical body.

I think there are some absolute gems in this bundle that can get you on the road to a better you–a more confident you. And a “you” who feels more at home in her skin, and more aware of what is happening in her body.

At midnight tonight, the bundle turns into a pumpkin and disappears. So jump on it now and get it before it’s gone!

​



Author


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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.


Find Sheila Here:

Facebook
Twitter
Instagram
YouTube
Pinterest



Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:

10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?



Check out some of Sheila's Books:

The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum



Check out Sheila's Courses:

The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course



Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!

Let’s learn to have FUN again! | Reader Highlights from the Week

When was the last time you ran so fast you could hardly feel your feet hit the ground? 

What about dancing crazily in the kitchen to your favourite song, or feeling the rush of going down a hill really fast on your bike? Moving is FUN when we actually let ourselves enjoy it! And that’s a huge part of what it means to see your body as your friend, which is our series this month. 

On Monday we posted our first installment in the series and the comments were fantastic–so much encouragement to each other, so many stories of how you are training yourselves to speak positively about your bodies so that healthy changes don’t become a punishment–they’re a gift you’re giving yourself. 

Check out this comment from Carrie: 

This is one of the hardest topics I’ve had to deal with in my life. Over and over I’ve lost weight, only to have it come back.

2 years ago I went to a retreat. I thought it would be about losing weight, but it was more focused on accepting yourself. It was amazing! It was also a turning point for me. I realized that it was ok to like myself and my body.

Now, whenever I find myself saying something negative about myself I re-frame it and say something positive 3 times. I’ve also told people I’m around that they aren’t allowed to say negative things about themselves. Some accept it more than others.

A few months ago I decided to lose weight again. But this time feels so different. Instead of losing weight to help me feel better about myself, I’m loosing weight to help my body be able to do more fun things and feel better.

I love myself!
Carrie

I love that–and that you’re able to say “I love myself” proudly and loudly!

But what about if your issues with your body stem from other people telling you there’s something wrong with you?

We had a really heart-warming interaction between two readers in the comments section on the same post about how the effects of purity culture have really damaged one woman’s view of herself.

And then, growing up in that culture, dealing with normal health issues that can cause self-consciousness can become even more difficult when you’ve been primed to see your body as the enemy.

Here’s what she said:

What a beautiful post. So helpful. I am going to keep rereading, and I’m so looking forward to the rest of the series. This is an area I’m working on, but it is SOOOOOOOOOO hard sometimes.

I grew up with the message that it’s women’s dress & behaviour that makes men ‘stumble’. I remember listening to how single women were a ‘threat’ to the preacher’s marriage (brother, I was never a threat to your marriage – your attitude to me might have been, but that’s not my problem). And then the men – including those in church – who felt they had the right to grab whatever and wherever they liked, and it was my fault for ‘tempting them’ (even wearing baggy jeans, baggy jumpers when the only bits of me showing were my hands and face, apparently, my body was still the problem).

So I hated my body because I was told it made men sin and because it ‘justified’ them treating me in ways that made me sick. And I hated it because hormone imbalance means I carry weight round my middle that won’t shift, even when the rest of me is really skinny, so I look early-stage pregnancy on a permanent basis (I’ve been asked more than once when my baby is due) And I hated it because it is covered in psoriasis too (and I’ve had total strangers in the street point to my arms and legs and say ‘urgh, that’s disgusting’.) And now I’m middle aged, I’m also starting to ‘sag’ in all the wrong places!

My biggest anxiety about my forthcoming marriage is that my fiance will get to see my body – there’ll be no way of hiding all those bits I hate. I’ve learned to thank him when he tells me I’m beautiful, instead of making jokes about his poor eyesight like I used to, but inside, I’m still thinking ‘are you blind?’ We’ve talked about it and prayed about it together, but I still have such a long way to go, and I think it will be one of my biggest battles. So bring on the rest of your series. I need all the help I can get!

Anon

First of all, thank you so much for sharing your story on the blog–being so open about your struggles is a huge blessing for other women in the same boat! 

But then one of the men on the blog chimed in with this: 

To Anon, I’m sure your fiancé loves you just the way you are. Next time he tells you how beautiful you are, agree with him. When you look in the mirror, just say “I’m beautiful!” Nothing like positive reinforcement. A coast to coast trip starts with the 1st mile. Best of luck! 

Trucker Dave

I love that! True trucker wisdom right there. And Anon later commented back that she appreciated it as well!

And if you’re someone who struggles with accepting their body due to the “all men lust” messages you may have heard growing up or are still hearing today, check out these posts:

Why Every Man’s Battle Backfires: We Should Expect Men Not to Lust
Why “Don’t Be a Stumbling Block” is A Really Bad Modesty Message
Men are Visual: But Does That Mean That All Men Lust?

And to women who are nervous about what their husbands will think about their bodies–flaws and all–check out this lovely post written by a woman who battled with severe body-image issues in her marriage and is now sharing how she overcame them. 

But a lot of this comes down to truly understanding what it means to have life abundantly.

When we get bogged down by “should”s and all the ways we’ve failed, continuously punishing ourselves for mistakes made, we forget that God gave us bodies that can enjoy things and that an abundant life is not too much to ask for!

Here are two comments that do a great job explaining what it means to enjoy the bodies we are given and to aim for that fullness of life:

I cannot emphasize enough how much of a game changer exercise is when you do it not to lose weight but for the sheer joy of moving your body. There’s nothing like the feeling of adding more weight to your dead lift, crossing the finish line of your first half marathon, or just hitting a new personal best. It’s so much easier to love your body when you can start to view it as an instrument and not an ornament.
Meghan

Okay, I’m not sure how much this will relate to your series, but it’s about my body and my self-worth, so I kind of feel like it’s relevant. God has been dealing with me in this area lately. It’s like I have felt like my pain doesn’t matter, and I shouldn’t waste people’s time. I have had some issues with chronic pain, and started seeing a chiropractor in November. I’ve had to go pretty regularly, because my neck is pretty messed up. At several of my appointments I have made comments about being a pest, or apologizing for calling so often, etc. A few weeks ago, my chiropractor kept telling me that I’m not a pest. If I’m in pain he wants to see me. I don’t need to worry about calling too often. He just wants me to be pain-free. While that message was from him, I think it was from God too. Why do I feel like I should just go through life minimizing pain and other physical symptoms and not getting the help I need? Why do I think I don’t matter? That’s not the abundant life God has for me. So I play this kind man’s words over and over in my mind, hoping they will somehow stick somewhere in my soul. My pain matters. It’s really OK to take care of myself.
Ashley

Do you have any stories of how you grew to ENJOY your body and what it can do again? Have you gotten past self-image or body-image issues and have insight to share? Or are you in the pit of it all and just need some encouragement? 

Let’s chat about it in the comments!

PODCAST EXTRAS: How Do You Feel Comfortable with Your Body?

Do you like your body?

Like even a little bit? I sure hope so! But many of us have real problems embracing our bodies, and so for the month of February we’re going to talk about how to love your body. And in today’s podcast, we start that conversation.

First, listen in!

(affiliate links included below).

Listen to the Podcast Here

Browse all the Different Podcasts

See the Last “Start Your Engines” (Men’s) Podcast

Main Segment: Can you treat your body like a friend?

Do you see your body as an enemy–something you have to conquer–or as a friend? Do you see your body as something that you cheer on, enjoy being with, and treat well, or something that you have to punish?

The distinction matters! I explore more in this section what we were talking about on Monday–how to treat your body as a friend.

Millennial Marriage: How to like your body even if it’s not perfect

Rebecca joined me for this one to talk about some of her challenges post-partum, and how a positive attitude towards your body, even if it’s not perfect, helps you achieve your goals anyway (and is far more psychologically healthy).

And do check out the Women’s Wellness Bundle that we mentioned, too. It’s for sale now until Monday at midnight EST, with over $4600 worth of online resources to help you understand hormones, improve your nutrition and fitness, learn to calm down, deal with stress, and so much more.

Just click to see everything that’s in it!
Reader Question: What if your husband says he isn’t attracted to you anymore?

A few years ago on the blog, one man left a comment that said:

My wife has gained 25 pounds since we were married, and that means that I’m not attracted to her anymore. She is defrauding me by gaining that weight.

It’s hard to fully express how terrible that comment is, but Rebecca and I try!

Now, of course, if your spouse has gained 150 pounds, that is a different story. You do need to get healthy (and we talk about how to approach that in the podcast). But let’s stop telling people that only a certain body type is attractive.

Other Posts You May Enjoy:

How do we have sex when my husband has a big belly that gets in the way?
Fight the Frump series!


Reader Question: What if my husband says he doesn’t lust, but I can’t believe him?

Here’s a really important question that just came in from the other perspective–what if you’re married to a guy that truly does only have eyes for you, but you can’t relax about it?

I have that 1 in a million husband that support and love me with all of his heart.

One thing that I always had a problem with was the fear that my husband will lust after every other woman he might find attractive… it drives me literally crazy. I can’t find myself able to relax while we watch a movie or when we are out in town or visiting friends.

He confessed and told me the other day that he used to struggle with lust but he came to a place in his life where he doesn’t do that anymore.

But somehow my blood boils and I have such overwhelming emotions and feelings when we are around other women. I know now that he doesn’t lust and he keeps telling me that even if he find other woman attractive he doesn’t lust after them he doesn’t want them. The last straw was when we went to the beach and all the woman in their bikinis made me so uncomfortable and I believed in my heart that he was checking all the beach babes out… He keeps telling me that it is normal for people to see other beautiful people and I understand that. Why is it so difficult for me accept that and to also be open about it. It is so awkward when a beautiful woman comes up on screen or we pass her on the street, and it is like I want to keep him from looking but I know it is unreasonable.  How do I get to accept it? And stop feeling so sad and miserable?  It has literally put me in really bad depression because I struggle to accept that he can and will notice other woman. I’ve often wonder what happened in my life that makes me feel that way.

I get it. We grow up hearing that all men lust, and that other women are stumbling blocks. But when we believe these things, it can make us see other women as constant competition, as the enemy. It can make us not trust our husbands.

Now, if there’s a reason we shouldn’t trust him, then that does need to be addressed. But assuming he’s all good (as this commenter asks), then how do you get rid of these fears? I answered in the podcast, but I’d love to hear your thoughts, too!

So let me know in the comments–how do you feel comfortable in your body? How do you feel comfortable with your husband? Let’s talk!

Comment:

5 Physical Reasons Your Libido is Sub-Zero: How to Bring a Low Libido out of Hibernation

Feel like you have no libido–as if it’s in hibernation or something?

You’re not alone!

This post contains affiliate links.

I love talking on the blog about how libido is so much more than just physical–how it’s spiritual and emotional, too. In my Boost Your Libido course, I went over some of the emotional reasons and relational reasons why we may have very little libido, and how our faulty understanding of what libido is can make us feel as if we have no libido–when really we’re just more “responsive”!

But I also talked in the course about some of the physical reasons that your libido may fall, and as we’re spending this month talking about sex and your body in our Monday series, I thought it would be worth elaborating on it today, especially since now is a great time to get help with a lot of these problems, as the Ultimate Women’s Wellness Bundle launches. It’s 79 different products that retail for more than $4500, giving you tools to move towards wellness, including 32 eBooks, 32 eCourses & audios, 12 workbooks & printables, and more.

So let’s go over some of the physical problems that can contribute to low libido–all of which the Women’s Wellness bundle can help you tackle.

When we lose our libido, we often wonder if there’s something wrong with the marriage.

Why don’t I get turned on by my husband anymore? But maybe it’s simply that your hormones aren’t working properly, or  you’re just too tired and achey. And that, my friends, has cures! Let’s take a look together.

When we lose our libido, we often wonder if there’s something wrong with the marriage.
But that’s not always the case, sometimes the answer is much simpler.

(Click here to tweet this quote)

Why Is Your Libido Sub-Zero?

I’ve been devouring the information in the Women’s Wellness Bundle for the last few days, especially focusing on the resources regarding hormones, since that affects so much of what I write about.

Today I want to share with you what I’ve learned from three primary resources: 14 Day Thyroid Alive Kickstarter Program; Secrets to Controlling Your Weight, Cravings, and Mood; Well and Good: Supercharge Your Health for Fertility and Wellness.

For all those women who wonder why they’re so tired and stressed and achey and can’t figure out how to feel alive and excited again, to you, today, I’d say: “No, you’re not frigid!” To all those of you who wonder why you have zero libido, there may be a simple answer. You may simply have an imbalance, and that’s good news. Because that can be fixed!

What is “Libido”?

Libido is the desire to have sex and the ability to enjoy it. For women, it’s highly dependent upon how we feel about our relationship, our bodies, and sex itself. But it’s not only that. It’s also largely hormonal. Our “sex” hormones (progesterone, testosterone, and, of course, estrogen) prepare the body to want and enjoy sex. Estrogen “lubricates” everything. Testosterone gives us desire. Progesterone regulates all of that. So when something is out of whack, you’re going to want chocolate more than sex. It’s that simple (that may be a HUGE generalization, but it does come down to balance!).

So let’s look at why!

Could you simply have poor nutrition?

Nutrition is everything. All of the cells in our bodies rely on the proper food to function at tip-top level. And if they don’t have what they need, they’ll be limping along, and they’ll often favour the vital things over the not-so-vital things (sex hormones).

Causes: Even people who look healthy can have poor nutrition! If you don’t get enough healthy fats, for instance (like coconut oil, avocados, fish, nuts), then your body will crave them. Even if you eat what looks like it’s healthy, like a vegan diet, your body could be crying out for things it’s missing, like protein. If you’re busy and you’re always grabbing food on the go, you could have some serious deficiencies.

Solutions: Eat lots of fiber! Add healthy fats to your diet. Eat more protein. Eat far fewer refined sugars, because they can cause “leaky gut”, which stops the intestine from absorbing nutrition.

Could you have adrenal fatigue?

Our adrenal glands work overtime in producing hormones. But the adrenals like to play triage: they look at certain deficiencies as “Defcon 5” and will work to fix those first. And one of the hormones our bodies really need is cortisol. It gives you energy, and regulates everything else in your body on sort of a time schedule (your bowels, your sleep, your energy, your digestion). But it depends on this 24 hour clock.

Causes: Our bodies work on a clock. So light=daytime. Eating protein=energy, it’s time to wake up! Eating carbs=it’s time to rest. That’s an oversimplification, but that’s roughly how it works.

Here’s something absolutely HILARIOUS I read recently.  Dr. Kellogg was a bit of a quack. In the 1800s he started a sanitorium to help people deal with lust and masturbation. And one of his main “cures” was this neat cereal that he had developed that you eat with milk. You see, this big carb intake would lull the body into a contented, placid state, and then you wouldn’t feel the urge for lust anymore.

Well, Dr. Kellogg found out that people LIKED eating this cereal, and soon it became the breakfast staple everywhere.

Think about our modern lifestyles: we get up before it’s light in the winter; feed our bodies massive amounts of carbs in the morning; and then keep our bodies up at night with artificial light. And we confuse the heck out of them!

Again, there’s more to it than that. But if your body is working overtime to produce cortisol, then your adrenals will get tired and won’t produce sex hormones as much.

Solution: Eat protein for breakfast, and avoid heavy carbs (like cereal, toast, and bagels). Wake up to natural light, or get lightbulbs in the winter that mimic it. Stay away from blue light at night. Keep carbs for dinner time. Stay away from caffeine, which confuses everything. Sleep 8 hours at night, if you can, AT THE SAME TIME everyday (if you can).

Could you have low progesterone?

Progesterone balances estrogen and regulates the metabolism. It’s made primarily in the ovaries, but also in the adrenal gland (and if you’re perimenopausal or postmenopausal, then you’re REALLY relying on that adrenal gland!).

Causes: If your adrenal glands are working overtime, you’ll likely have less progesterone. Also, if you’re producing TOO MUCH estrogen, then you’ll likely produce less progesterone, leading to a real imbalance.

Solution: Do everything above to regulate nutrition and cortisol. Stay away from beauty products with lots of chemicals, especially shampoos and body washes. Choose things like the Diva cup or cloth sanitary pads instead of disposable ones, because they can artificially introduce a weird chemical that mimics estrogen and can mess everything up. Do some moderate exercise four times a week. Try some essential oils, especially clary sage (that one’s helped me a lot!)

You may find that when you eliminate these foods, you have so much more energy and mental clarity! WHY? Well, you gave your digestive system a break from hard-to-digest foods and foods that you may be intolerant to. Therefore, your organs and digestive system (your liver, kidneys, pancreas, and stomach) do not have to work as hard and aren’t in constant distress. Your body can use that newfound energy to repair itself rather than constantly putting out fires, which means rockin’ hormones and periods! Yay! 

Fix your Period Cleanse

Women's Wellness Bundle

Could you have low estrogen?

Secrets to Controlling Your Weight, Cravings, and Mood lays out so well how not all estrogen is good estrogen–and how imbalances can affect our libido.

Causes: Age decreases estrogen, so being perimenopausal or menopausal can hurt us. Having other imbalances, as above, can also affect estrogen–and the neurotransmitters that regulate it.

Solution: Have sex regularly! (the more you do it–the more hormones you produce! Libido is use it or lose it!). Avoid caffeine. Don’t overexercise. Add lots of ground flax seed to your diet (I put some in my smoothies everyday). And add some supplements and lots of healthy fats to support your brain and hormone production. There are so many creams and capsules that you can take to help with low estrogen that are really safe.

Could you have low thyroid function?

When your thyroid isn’t functioning really well, it tends to “bind up” the sex hormones, leaving them unable to be properly used. And then, when thyroid production is low, you start producing fewer sex hormones, too. It’s a vicious cycle.

And some studies have shown that MOST people have at least mild hypothyroidism.

Imagine if you lived in a very small space. What would it be like if you could only remove 20% of the trash you brought in? What would it feel like to be in that space after a week? What about a month? Now imagine a year! How does it feel to be in that space now? This is how your cells feel when they are under toxic burden. Detoxing your cells will improve your ability to absorb nutrients and hormones and eliminate waste. It will also stabilize and improve your energy. During this program you will improve your health, increase your energy, and eliminate waste that causes disease, weight gain, and cravings. When your body cannot eliminate waste properly it become acidic and toxic. When it becomes acidic and toxic, your blood and your cells slow down. When this happens, your body starts to slow down and break down.

14 Day Thyroid Alive Kickstarter Program

Women's Wellness Bundle

Causes: When your cortisol levels have been out of whack for a LONG time, this eventually affects the thyroid.

Solution: Avoid soy. Throw seaweed into your soups and stews! Stay away from raw broccoli, cauliflower and kale, but throw in lots of Vitamin C and Vitamin E. And no smoking!

But how do I know what I have?

I know. When we start to read all this stuff, we think: “I’ve got EVERYTHING!” But don’t worry; that’s likely not true.

Here are two simple approaches:

Eat well, with good nutrition, avoiding processed foods, caffeine, and too much refined sugar. Try to eat properly to a 24-hour schedule. Do that, and no matter what the problem is, you’ll likely start to fix a lot of it.
Read through Secrets to Controlling Your Weight, Cravings, and Mood–an information-packed ebook with self-assessments so you can see where your hormones may be out of whack.

I know this is a LOT of information, but I find it really empowering. If you can figure out what’s triggering some of the ill-effects in your body, then you can stop it!

And wouldn’t that be worth it?

The Women’s Wellness Bundle is for sale right now until Monday at midnight, and it has resources covering hormone balance, heathy eating, fertility and pregnancy, chronic illness, mental health, confidence, and more (they’ve even got some AWESOME products on building a wardrobe for moms, including building a great capsule wardrobe).

I was talking to my daughter Katie last week about how she and David have started sourcing their chicken from a supplier that doesn’t use antibiotics or hormones. The stuff that is in our food can actually really impact our health, our mood, and our libido. And these resources can help you figure out what maybe the biggest culprits in your life–and how you can deal with them.

So check out the Ultimate Women’s Wellness Bundle now–and you may find yourself with more energy, less pain, and even more libido!

Let Me See What's In It!

Have you ever made improvements in how you ate or how you moved that made you feel better in general–including your libido? Tell us about it in the comments!

Like this post so far? You should also check out:

When You Have No Libido

Why Do I Never Want to Say Yes When My Husband Initiates?

What Does It Really Mean to Be Attracted to Your Spouse?

Do We Understand What Rejection Does to Husbands?

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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.


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Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:

10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?



Check out some of Sheila's Books:

The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum



Check out Sheila's Courses:

The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course



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