Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 61

A Honeymoon at Home: 15 Things to Do When COVID-19 Has You in Isolation

What do you do for a honeymoon at home when coronavirus has left you stranded?

We were talking last Friday about the people whose lives have been really affected by COVID-19–even if it’s just in disappointments, and not in horrendous things.

Obviously the people for whom this is taking the most toll are those who have gotten sick, and the health care workers on the frontlines. They need our prayers, and especially our willingness to do what it takes to stop the spread and stay at home!

But in the meantime, people have had to cancel weddings, or people have had their honeymoon plans evaporate.

One woman wrote and asked if I had any good ideas for how to honeymoon at home, and I really didn’t. So I asked on Facebook, and boy, you guys are really creative!

Can you help this reader? "We had to cancel our honeymoon because of the pandemic. Any advice for how to fill the time…

Posted by To Love, Honor and Vacuum on Wednesday, March 25, 2020

I’ve got some great ideas, so if you’re stuck at home, here are some ways to make the most of your time!

Some links contain affiliate links.

Honeymoon Ideas that Help you Pass the Time Together
1. Binge Watch Something Epic

Okay, we know you’re going to watch SOMETHING. So if you’re going to do that, make it something epic, that you will always remember that you watched together. Watch all the Lord of the Rings movies one day in a row. Watch all the Marvel movies (Google the order–lots of people have advice!). Watch the Band of Brothers miniseries.

2. Take a Virtual Tour of a Country a Day

This was is an AMAZING idea.

Travel the world by celebrating a country each day. Take online tours of landmarks, cook a traditional meal, and watch a movie set in the country.

I love this one so much I shared it with Keith, and we’re going to do it! We figure we’d pick two movies that are set in a particular country, and then learn to make some cuisine from that country, and then try to take a virtual tour of something in that country. If you were going to head somewhere specific for your honeymoon, choose that country!

We thought we’d do Jamaica, and we’re planning on doing it tomorrow! We’re going to watch Cool Runnings (which is set in both Jamaica and Canada, so it seemed appropriate), and then A Trip to Jamaica. We’re going to make Jamaican rice and peas, which I just loved whenever I went to Jamaica (it’s just a simple side dish, but I’m big on rice dishes). And then we’re going to look at all our pictures from our trip to Jamaica a few years ago.

Here are some more ideas:

Italy: The Italian Job; Letters to Juliet

One action movie, and one chick flick! Then you take a virtual tour of the Uffizi Gallery, and google any number of Italian dishes!

Canada: One Week, Bon Cop, Bad Cop

One Week is actually a really sweet movie which will take you on a motorcycle ride from Toronto all the way out west to Vancouver Island. And Bon Cop Bad Cop is one of my husband’s favourite movies, about a murder that the Ontario and Quebec police have to cooperate on (that deals with all of the problems of bilingualism in Canada!). One Week will show you Canada; Bon Cop Bad Cop will help you understand it!

Take a virtual tour of the Museum of Natural History. And for food? Poutine is typical, but I HATE it. I’d just suggest pancakes with real maple syrup, if you have it!

Ireland: Angela’s Ashes; Michael Collins; Leap Year; The Secret of Roan Inish; P.S. I Love You

I couldn’t decide on two for Ireland! But choose from historical dramas, chick flicks, or just quirky!

But you get the picture–choose some movies, google virtual tours, make some food. You can even look for YouTube videos that tell the history of a country in 10 minutes, or show you some amazing stuff about the country. Seriously, this makes a great homeschooling exercise, too!

3. Take Virtual Tours of Tons of Stuff!

Speaking of virtual tours, there are so many available that you can just google and likely find something! Zoos often have cameras set up watching the baby animals. Museums and art galleries often have them, but often you can also do webcams of places like The Grand Canyon! Or take YouTube tours of some of these great sites, and then make a bucket list of 10 places you really want to visit together one day.

4. Discover some favourite board games

I’ve got a post of 26 of our favourite two-player board games (we’re big on board games!). Amazon is still delivering (even if it takes a little longer than usual), so you can order these and try some out!

By the same token:

5. Do some puzzles together

I was reading that one jurisdiction was considering a company that made puzzles an essential service right now, and so the company was able to keep going! And many are passing the time with them. I love this take on it:

 

Do a puzzle together and then frame it on the wall to remember your indoor honeymoon.

6. Do things around the house naked

You’re quarantined at home. No one’s around. Hey, let’s get naked! Want this quarantine to be memorable? Spend a day totally naked! Work out naked, clean naked, cook naked (maybe you should use an apron for that, actually). But have some fun with it!

Honeymoon Ideas to Help You Learn Things
7. Learn to Cook Something Epic

You’re beginning your life together–and food will be a big part of that life! So why not learn something together? Take a YouTube cooking class and try something you’ve always wanted to learn. One commenter suggested sourdough bread. You just make a starter and keep it going, and it’s lots of fun! You need minimal ingredients then.

8. Get Smarter

I’ve always been interested in The Great Courses, and you can try a free trial! Sign up for a course on history, or literature, or science, or anything! Watch a video a day and feel smarter.

9. Learn to Ballroom Dance

One day there will be weddings again. There may even be cruises again. And it’s really fun if you actually know how to dance. Like really dance! Before Keith and I went on our cruise in January (so weird to think now; we were actually on the Zaandam, that ship that’s now stranded and trying to dock) we learned the ChaCha and Swing from awesome online ballroom dancing videos. We’ve got lifetime access to all of his dances, and we try to learn new steps every so often. My suggestion: Watch no more than 2 videos a day, but then practice a ton! And you’ll find you get really good!

10. Learn to Make Sex Great

Of course you’re going to want to make some real sexual memories, too, and learn how each of you feels good! Try out my sexy dares for that.

So….Can I Write a “COVID-19 Sucks” Post?

I really have nothing nice or uplifting to say about COVID and what we’re going through right now.

I posted this on Facebook yesterday, and it got such a big reaction that I thought it may be worth saying here, too!

I see all of these other bloggers and websites coming out with, "a message of hope during COVID-19". Is it okay if I don…

Posted by To Love, Honor and Vacuum on Thursday, March 26, 2020

God tells us to rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.

There’s a whole book of the Bible that is called Lamentations.

Many of the Psalms are David calling out to God–and I think they’re really more about him yelling.

And so, right now, I think it’s okay to just feel like life is tough. Doesn’t mean that God can’t bring good out of it, or that we won’t learn from it, or that we can’t find joy in small things, or any of those truths. It just means that, yeah, life is tough.

I woke up so many times last night thinking of New York and just praying, “Christ, have mercy. Lord, have mercy. Christ, have mercy.” I pray it doesn’t get worse than it is. I pray for protection on the health care workers. It’s just awful. 

I’m glad that there are people writing inspirational things right now. I’m just not really one of them.

Encouragement isn’t really my gifting. I’m more a prophet yelling in the wilderness. Or in my yellow chair. While I’m self-isolating to my home.

But maybe the best way to be encouraging is not to try to be encouraging. Maybe it’s just to say to all of you, “yeah, this sucks.”

I have so many readers whose weddings have been cancelled, or whose honeymoons have gone up in smoke.

I don’t know what to say to them, except I’m so sorry.

Gina felt that way, too:

 

I have been specifically praying for those whose wedding plans were dashed by this. My daughter got married last September and even with the best of circumstances it was a crazy time.
I can’t imagine having spent maybe more than a year (and no small amount of cash) planning your special day only to have it ruined by this disaster. My prayers go out to those couples!

Gina

Others have their own struggles:

My oldest is a senior in high school, and while it’s not a life/death situation, it’s still really sad that he’s missing out on prom, senior activities and possibly even graduation. 

Nicole

And people who were supposed to have graduation in May. And looked forward to all of the pomp and circumstance that go with it! That they’ve worked for years for! And daddies that won’t get to be there when their babies are born.

Cara

I know a bunch of women who are about to give birth in the next month or two, as well, and it looks like some will not be able to have their husbands in the delivery room. Honestly, I can’t imagine.

And I know that there are many, many facing worse than that, and that we should count our blessings, and all of that is true. But even if others have it worse, I think it’s okay to be sad and disappointed. God doesn’t hate our emotions. He made them. And I believe that if we’re real before God, and we cry out to Him, He will answer in some way.

So I’d like to ask you all something.

Do you have any words of commiseration for those who have seen their wedding plans put on hold, or who don’t know what’s going to happen now? How about leaving a comment or a prayer? You don’t need to say anything brilliant or deep. Let’s just be there for each other!

Because sometimes life is just plain hard. (which is a great reminder that this is not our home).

Hilary said this, which is a good thing to end on:

It reminds me of of Jesus weeping with Mary and Martha after the death of Lazarus. He didn’t just say, “have hope for the future”, or “you don’t know what I have planned for God’s glory.” Jesus DID know the bigger picture but He was with them in their suffering. “Jesus wept.” It’s okay for us to be grieving. It’s allowed, and expected and necessary for us to take our heart ache to God. Not just plaster a smile. So thank you for reminding us. We are allowed to be grieving right now. 

Hilary

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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.


Find Sheila Here:

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Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:

10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?



Check out some of Sheila's Books:

The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum



Check out Sheila's Courses:

The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course



Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!

PODCAST: Do All Guys Lust? Let’s Rethink Every Man’s Battle

I’d really like to change the conversation in the Christian church about lust.

We’ve been talking about it as “every man’s battle“, and this week on the blog, Keith explained why that’s not helpful. Yesterday I talked about how “bouncing your eyes“, the suggestion from Every Man’s Battle, inherently doesn’t work because it agrees with lust’s definition of women–that they’re dangerous. Today on the podcast, Keith joins me as we point to a healthier way to talk about lust. Listen in!

Listen to the Podcast Here

Browse all the Different Podcasts

See the Last “Start Your Engines” (Men’s) Podcast

Main Segment: What if the problem with lust is not really about sex?

We talked in this segment about how I wrote about lust and Every Man’s Battle a few years ago  and people thought that I was being too hard on guys.

But here’s the thing: I believe that guys can be GOOD. I believe that men do not have to act in an ungodly way. I believe that men can be Christlike. In fact, I believe that MOST Christian men can be like this. And I hate the way that we talk about lust. But as Keith said, one of the bigger problems here is that we talk about lust as if it’s an attack on men’s purity, rather than a woman’s dignity.

The sin of lust is really about rejecting the woman as an image bearer of Christ, and making her simply into a sex object. Objectification means that you erase her. That’s the real sin. And interestingly, studies also show that that is the fix for lust: treat women as whole people. Keith and I had a great talk on this, and included some of what I found when I finally did read Every Man’s Battle a few weeks ago. I live tweeted it–you can read that thread here (and it went steadily downhill once I started!). (or click below to read the rest of the tweets)

Working through
Every Man’s Battle today to get quotes for our upcoming
book.Prelim thoughts: the advice to men isn’t
terrible. The advice to women IS. I’m glad they take
a firm stance to men, but they don’t understand women’s libido or
sexuality at all.— SheilaGregoire (@sheilagregoire)
March
3, 2020

And that Paige Patterson video that Keith was talking about? It’s linked in the article Keith wrote this week, too! Or you can watch it right here. 

Reader Question: Is it wrong to stimulate myself during intercourse?

A reader asks:

I’ve never thought about this being a problem until reading your blog but when my husband and I are intimate I use my hands to stimulate my clitoris in order to achieve orgasm, usually during intercourse, sometimes during foreplay, and sometimes after he finishes. Is this wrong, should my orgasms happen solely by my husbands touch?

I’m scared for what in my blog made you think it was wrong! Perhaps it was the post on masturbation in marriage, but I thought I made it clear there that touching yourself, when part of foreplay, etc., is fine! Anyway. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with this, but I think many women may also enjoy their husbands figuring things out. So guys–learn it!

You may also need to read:

When She’s Always Left Hanging
Women Deserve Orgasm, too
Why Women’s Fireworks Matter

Reader Question: Is PMS real?

Another reader wrote in with this:

I have a question about PMS… When I am pms-ing, I always notify my husband that if I’m a little on edge, then that’s why. I do my best to keep my outward actions and words in double check while I’m pms-ing to ensure that I don’t start ridiculous fights. However, lately, when I notify him that I’m pms-ing, he laughs, and is intentionally and obnoxiously annoying (he’s never annoying – quite the stick in the mud, actually). He tells me that PMS is not real, and that hormones don’t “rage”. And that I just use “PMS” to get away with being grumpy.
So my question is this: is PMS real or am I the only woman who can’t seem to keep my emotions level during this premenstrual time? And if it is real, how do I convince my husband so that we don’t part ways when I’m pms-ing and he is making fun of me? I can’t handle it anymore… I told him to ask any woman, and they will all tell him PMS is real, but his response is “of course they will. It’s a fantastic excuse!”
Please help….

Wow. Okay. Guys, that’s just not cool. PMS is real. Women go through a lot with periods, cramps, PMS, menopause, pregnancy. Please don’t make fun of us or act like it’s not real. That’s cruel.

You may also want to read:

PMS is Not Spiritual Warfare
Start Your Engines Podcast: On Periods Plus How to Tell if Sex Advice is Good

 

So what do you think? Do we talk about lust wrong? What would you say to the man who doesn’t believe in PMS? Whose wife brings herself to climax? Let’s talk in the comments!

Is “Bouncing Your Eyes” So You Don’t Lust Respectful to Women?

Is the antidote to lust that men learn the “bouncing your eyes” technique, as advocated in Every Man’s Battle?

We’ve been talking about new ways to think about lust this week, with Keith’s post yesterday (and our podcast coming up tomorrow).

In writing our book The Great Sex Rescue, too, I’ve had to read some Christian sex and marriage books I’ve never read all the way through before, and one that I attacked recently was Every Man’s Battle (I live-tweeted my reading of it here, and my reading of Every Heart Restored here).

One of the big themes of Every Man’s Battle is that all men lust, and the way to fight lust is to make a covenant with your eyes not to look at a woman with lust–which means “bouncing your eyes” if you’re ever tempted. You must determine never to fixate on anything that could cause lust.

I believe that bouncing your eyes won’t work because it’s the wrong emphasis–it treats women like they’re dangerous

Like Keith said yesterday, the big problem with lust is that it devalues women (or devalues men, if women are the ones doing the lusting). It treats human beings like objects rather than as full people. The solution to the lust problem as advocated in Every Man’s Battle, though, reinforces this same view. It believes that women are dangerous, and so you must “bounce your eyes”.

Here’s what I want to talk about today:

“Bouncing your eyes” tells men to ask the question: “Is this woman dangerous to me?”

A better question to ask is, “Am I being respectful to this person?”

Let’s explore this a little bit.

Certainly, sometimes you should avert your gaze to be respectful

When a co-worker is bending down to pick up files, you avert your gaze, you don’t stare at her backside. She wasn’t trying to show it off; it’s just that sometimes you need to get in awkward positions in public, and a respectful person does not stare. If a button pops open and she doesn’t catch it, you don’t stare. You avert your gaze because it’s respectful and you don’t want to cause embarrassment later. If a woman is breastfeeding and she has to change sides, you avert your gaze so as not to cause discomfort, but you don’t rail at her for being a stumbling block and causing you to lust. You just show her respect.

I grew up in Toronto, which has an elaborate subway system. These subways have quite large “vents”, or grates, in many sidewalks downtown, which normally while you’re walking over them do nothing at all.

But when you walk over the large grate at the exact time as a train is passing, you get a strong gust of air that, if you’re wearing a skirt, can cause a serious wardrobe malfunction. I had to be very careful as a teen to watch where I walked whenever I wore a skirt. And a polite person, when someone has a wardrobe malfunction, averts their gaze.

A few years ago, something similar happened to Kate, the Duchess of Cambridge. I remember seeing magazine covers with pictures of her with her skirt blown up. The magazines were all enticing people to buy them by telling you that inside were full pictures of her wardrobe malfunction. It reminded me of what happened to Princess Diana when she started dating Prince Charles. Do you remember that famous picture of her, taken when she was holding a child at the preschool where she worked, with the sun backlit through her skirt? You could see the outline of her underwear, something she was completely clueless about when she posed for that shot.

That picture went EVERYWHERE in 1980, and the poor woman must have been mortified.

It is not respectful to stare at someone’s wardrobe malfunction. It is respectful to look away–and to avert your gaze (and not buy those magazines!).

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Sometimes, though, people seem to deliberately WANT you to look at them virtually naked.

Rebecca was telling me about an incident she and Connor had one Canada Day when riding an Ottawa bus. A woman got on the bus wearing nothing on top but maple leaf pasties. This was deliberate; she obviously wanted people to look at her. But it’s simply not respectful to stare at someone who is virtually naked, and so you avert your gaze. 

I’ve also been privy to downtown Toronto parties where men often wear pants that are *AHEM* incredibly revealing in the backside area. Chaps of the “everything hanging out” variety. Again, it’s respectful to avert your gaze, whatever their intentions may be. It is respectful to treat someone like a full human being, without objectifying them. When people are deliberately dressing in such a way as to be basically pretty much naked (by which I mean falling on the extreme bell curve of public nakedness, not just violating your own standards of modesty), then treating them respectfully is not to stare at their body.

(I want to reiterate here that what I’m talking about is a person who is violating normal community standards. Like I talked about in my post on my 40% modesty rule, clothing choices fall on a bell curve. If someone is on the extreme, then be respectful and avert your gaze. But don’t treat someone showing a tiny bit of cleavage as if they’re a pariah. I hope you get what I mean!).

Sometimes being respectful means averting your gaze; sometimes it means engaging them and not looking away.

Here’s where the rubber really hits the road, though.

If the determining factor in where and how we look at people is to show respect towards that person, rather than viewing them as a danger, then sometimes we will have to look full-on. 

Instead of viewing a co-worker as a potential danger that you must avoid, you should instead look at her and treat her as a person and engage in conversation with her, just as you would with every other co-worker. You do not ostracize her because she may be a danger to you; you view her as a person with ideas and thoughts who contributes to your team and who deserves respect, and you treat her that way.

You don’t think of her as a collection of body parts; you think of her as someone made in the image of God who has a brain and who deserves to be treated as a person, not a threat.

If the determining factor in where and how we look at people is to show respect towards that person, rather than viewing them as a danger, then sometimes we will have to look full-on. 

(Click here to tweet this quote)

If you try to avoid good looking women at work or at church or in your friend group, that is not being respectful. If you don’t look at good-looking women, that is erasing them from the public conversation, and is also making a value judgment on them based on their looks (and, conversely, making a value judgment on those whom you WILL look at as well; you’re saying that they’re NOT good looking).

When I talk about the problems I have with “bouncing your eyes”, I often have men very surprised and upset.

Shouldn’t I be happy that men are trying to avoid lust?

I hope this article helps explain it, but it really comes down to this: Bouncing your eyes still makes the woman pay for your problem. You avoid her; you don’t talk to her; you treat her based on her body, not her mind. She is the source of the problem.

I am asking, instead, that you see yourself as the source of the problem, and treat her as a full human being.

Being respectful means treating a person based on their worth in Christ and engaging them based on their ideas and thoughts, rather than their bodies. Sometimes that means that you will avert your gaze; and sometimes that means that you will look at them head on and engage in conversation.

But the question is not, “is this woman dangerous?” The question is, “Am I being respectful?” That puts the onus where it belongs–on your own heart. And that allows all of us to feel like human beings, made in His image.

Other Posts in our Every Man’s Battle Series on Lust:

Why Every Man’s Battle Backfires

Can We Talk About Men’s Sexual Needs in a Healthy Way?

12 Ways to Help Men Overcome Lust

Is Don’t Be a Stumbling Block a Really Bad Modesty Message?

What do you think? Do you find the concept of “bouncing your eyes” helpful or hurtful? Let’s talk in the comments!

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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.


Find Sheila Here:

Facebook
Twitter
Instagram
YouTube
Pinterest



Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:

10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?



Check out some of Sheila's Books:

The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum



Check out Sheila's Courses:

The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course



Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!

Can We Respect Women, Please? A New Look at the Church’s View on Lust

What if the real reason that lust is bad really isn’t about sex?

i’ve talked about lust before on the blog–with the question “is lust really every man’s battle“? I’ve written that noticing is not lusting.

But my husband Keith wanted to chime in today, as he writes more for the blog, and share his perspective. And he’s got some cool insight about what the root of the real problem with lust! So here’s Keith:

Keith and me in Chile, on our cruise a month ago, before the world changed.

I remember in university one of my professors talking about something called the “Madonna-whore complex”.

The concept is that men only see women in two ways – unapproachably pure or a tawdry tart ready for conquest. But more than pointing out that this was a restrictive view of female sexuality, I recall her strong overtones that men could only see women in sexual terms like this.

At the time, I thought this was completely ridiculous. I mean, I was a young man in my hormonal prime and I didn’t think of women like that!  Half my professors were women and I had no sexual thoughts about them. And not because I thought they were “madonnas”, but because I thought of them simply as people I needed to listen to and learn from. Similarly, half of my classmates were women. If pressed, I would have said that maybe one day I might hope to meet “the right one”, but I certainly didn’t spend my time categorizing them into whether they were possible sexual targets or too pure to even try.

Thirty more years of life experience have given me insight into why some people would believe men think this way.

There certainly seems to be an assumption in our society as a whole that it is natural and normal for men to see women purely as objects of sexual gratification. Hollywood jokes about strippers at bachelor parties as if that were no big deal. Places where women take their clothes off for men for money are called “gentlemen’s clubs” as if that pastime were something associated with refinement and nobility.  And of course, there is the multi-billion dollar pornography industry, whose whole point is to objectify women for men’s pleasure that quite tragically seems to have become mainstream.  The overall message in our culture seems to be that “men by nature want to look, so let them”. This kind of activity is portrayed as something that all men do and women just need to accept that.

Unfortunately, I think we have taken on some of this unhealthy mentality in the church with the whole “All men lust” theme that is preached from pulpits and published in Christian books.

Lust it seems is the universal sin that no man is free of. They make it sound like every man is either undressing every woman he sees in his mind or consciously battling the desire to do so with great difficulty.  But do we really think that 100% of men – Christian or not – are devoting mental energy constantly to fighting off these kinds of urges? And do we not understand what that must sound like to a woman? Let’s make sure we are not conflating normal biologic urges with sinful thought patterns. Sheila has already talked about how noticing is not lusting and I think it is so important for us to recognize the difference. The first is an automatic response, the second is what we do with our conscious brains.

Let me use as an analogy how we handle anger. If someone says something insulting about someone you care about, you will naturally feel anger.  That feeling is in itself not good or bad, what is important is how you deal with it. Do you give in to your base urges or do you do the right thing? In the same way, noticing that a woman is beautiful or has an attractive figure is an instinctual thing. It is not good or evil, it’s just biological. It happens in a part of our brains we don’t actually control.  However, once our conscious brain registers and starts to weigh in on the situation we can handle things in many different ways.  That is where morality comes into it.

And this is where I think the church is failing.  Because it seems to me that we teach the sin of lust is about a man’s eye coming in contact with a part of a woman’s anatomy rather than what is going on in the man’s heart. In my mind, lust is a sin because it diminishes and degrades women, making them objects rather than people.  If we focused on fighting that idea, I think we would have a much healthier view about lust and how to handle it than we seem to at present.  I want to give you three examples of how we currently see lust in the church and how it would be healthier to see it from this new perspective.

By teaching that lust is universal and is primarily a problem of men’s eyes coming in contact with women’s anatomy, we are teaching girls at some level that their natural female body is a source of evil.

(Click here to tweet this quote)

First, Paige Patterson’s creepy comments about a 16-year old girl

Consider this video of a sermon from Paige Patterson (president of an SBC seminary at the time), where he tells a joke about a mother chastising her son and his friend for gawking at a sixteen year old girl. The punch line is when he rebukes the mother because the boys were just “being Biblicial”.  I find this video disturbing for a number of reasons. As I said above, noticing is not lusting, but we are still responsible for our thought life once the conscious part of our brain engages. In this case, the teenage boys’ conscious brains were engaged long enough that they were clearly seen to be gawking.  An appropriate response would be a gentle reminder to these fellows that they were not being respectful toward this young lady and an encouragement to a higher level of behaviour. That Reverend Patterson did not do so is concerning enough, but what is so much worse is how he states with rather disturbing relish that “she was…nice”.

Clearly in this encounter, his own conscious mind was quite engaged as well. It was certainly engaged long enough that he imprinted a clear memory of the scene, yet at no point did his conscious mind seem to register that he was a sixty-year-old man and she was a sixteen-year old girl! The letters of outrage that poured in after this video went up in 2018 eventually produced an apology from Reverend Patterson for using this illustration. But the fact that he was able to use it over his career without any fallout prior to that only shows how accustomed we in the church have become to the objectification of women.  How could a pastor talk like this and have it be seen as a humourous little anecdote for so long?

If instead we all recognized that objectifying and degrading women was the real evil in the sin of lust, this illustration would have generated the outrage it deserves the first time he said it instead of the laughter it received.

Second, teaching men to “bounce your eyes” causes more harm than good

This is typified in the book Every Man’s Battle. I read the book early in our marriage as I wanted to have as pure a thought life as possible, but frankly it turned me into a nervous wreck!  The concept is if you see something you shouldn’t, then bounce your eyes somewhere else.  But as soon as you focus on NOT thinking about something, you are already doomed to failure.  If I tell you, “Don’t think about a red barn”, what do you do? You immediately start thinking about a red barn! And after that, every time I ask you, “Are you thinking about it?” it pops back into your mind even if you had somehow how managed to get it out of there!

But the worst part about this whole “treatment plan” is that it perpetuates and reinforces this idea that the only way a man can look at a woman is sexually, which is manifestly not true. I have gone to art exhibits and appreciated the sculptures and paintings of the female form by Titian and the other great masters without being aroused or harbouring any thoughts that I would consider impure. I think most men have had similar experiences.

Yet this book and other similar teachings start from the assumption that a man cannot look at a woman in a way that is not sexual.  The fact that we add a “Thou shalt not look” to the mix does not change the fact that this approach completely degrades and objectifies women, reducing them to body parts, just like our pornographic culture.  I am suggesting instead a different approach – seeing women fully as people.  Imagine how much better a thought life we men could have if instead of telling ourselves “I shouldn’t look at that” (which clearly objectifies), we asked ourselves “Is the way I am looking at this woman respectful to her?” – which acknowledges and celebrates her full personhood. It just seems intrinsically healthier to me and it is so sad that this way of thinking is not more prevalent in the church.

Men of the church, can we not have a higher view of women?
Can we not think of them as the whole people God created them to be?
Can we not try to see them the way Jesus does?

(Click here to tweet this quote)

Worst of all, we are making girls ashamed of their own bodies

The church is constantly warning women about the way they dress. Since all men lust, the teaching goes, women have to be careful how they present themselves, so as not to make men stumble. I have several problems here. The first is that I don’t recall Jesus saying “If your right eye causes you to sin, make sure that everything in your environment is adjusted so that nothing that would make you stumble comes into view.” He clearly puts the onus on the one looking rather than the one being looked at, yet strangely that is hardly ever talked about in churches.

The second is to relate my shock, frustration and disgust with the way that we are hurting young girls with this message. Our daughter Katie developed rather early. I was completely dismayed to hear that one of her youth leaders took her aside when she was 11 to warn her that she “had to be careful how she presented herself now so as not to make the men in the congregation tempted to lust”. Now Katie had never dressed in any way that was inappropriate, so the sole issue was that she had a nice figure and therefore the issue was her body itself.

By teaching that lust is universal and is primarily a problem of men’s eyes coming in contact with women’s anatomy, we are teaching girls at some level that their natural female body is a source of evil.  This is simply not acceptable.  Yet somehow it has become routine to teach little girls that grown men will lust after them based on how they dress rather than to teach grown men that they shouldn’t look at little girls!

​

The real evil of any sin is that it mars and diminishes God’s creation and lust is no different.

God has made a world that is meant to be beautiful, glorious and life-giving, but sin makes it ugly, shameful and soul-destroying.  Clearly, the pornography industry is an example of that. But in my eyes teaching an 11-year old girl to be afraid of her own body because adult men will be unable to control their thought lives because of her is just as ugly, shameful and soul-destroying.

Men of the church, can we not have a higher view of women?  Can we not think of them as the whole people God created them to be? Can we not try to see them the way Jesus does?  Let’s take the most extreme example. Imagine a young woman is dressing in a way that is clearly meant to be sexually provocative. Why is our first response as men not to want to help her to respect herself enough to present herself to the world in a way that upholds her dignity and worth as more than just a sex object?

I truly believe we can think about lust differently. And it starts with refusing to buy the lie that it is okay to objectify women.  All of us, both men and women, are designed to reflect our Creator.  Let’s see lust for what it is – the objectifying and degrading a woman who was created in the image of God and for whom Christ died. If we do, maybe we can prove my English teacher was wrong about men after all – at least about those men who have learned to see women through the eyes of Jesus.

Other Posts in our Every Man’s Battle Series on Lust:

Why Every Man’s Battle Backfires

Can We Talk About Men’s Sexual Needs in a Healthy Way?

12 Ways to Help Men Overcome Lust

Is Don’t Be a Stumbling Block a Really Bad Modesty Message?

How Are You All Doing?

We are living in weird times.

I can’t say unprecedented; plagues were relatively common throughout history.

A while back I read a biography of Abigail Adams, and remember vividly the story of how she had her kids “vaccinated” against smallpox (which meant they were all exposed to a low dose and got sick) and then had to remain in isolation for three months.

Of course we’ve heard the parallels with the Spanish Flu, which killed 25,000,000 people. Keith and I visited the delightful Florence Nightingale museum last summer in London, which, at the time, had a Spanish Flu exhibit. When you entered, they gave you a card with a person’s identity on it.

As you moved throughout the stations, you learned what happened to that person. It turns out that I died and Keith lived.

 

My grandmother learned to knit at the age of 6 or 7 when she was under quarantine because her sister Doris had diphtheria (and little Doris later died from it).

Throughout history, people have lived with quarantines and illnesses and death. Perhaps the reason this is so startling is because our generations have been incredibly blessed.

Nevertheless, a lot of people are having huge disruptions to their lives.

Who knows if school will be resumed this year–or what will happen to students if it’s not? I think of all of those who had weddings planned for the next month or so (and  know some of my readers did), or who were hoping to look for jobs and start new jobs.

I think of all of those who have been laid off, and are wondering what will happen to the economy.

I think and pray for the business owners who are so uncertain about what will come, and feel a responsibility for their employees as well.

In the four families who are part of the To Love, Honor and Vacuum employee community, we have three women in the latter stages of pregnancy. Will their moms be able to be with them after the birth? No one knows.

One of my friends lost someone to COVID19 over the weekend. I don’t  have a personal connection to anyone else, but I suppose more will come. It’s likely inevitable.

And domestic violence is increasing rapidly. Those with abusive spouses now can’t get away, and children with abusive parents are especially vulnerable. Watch out for your neighbours, as much as you can. Call a hotline if you suspect anything. And if you’re the one being hurt, please call that hotline. You still can be helped.

And sometimes it’s just small things, but important things. Today is my niece’s birthday. We’re all going to FaceTime scattered throughout the day so that she at least has other people talking to her instead of only her siblings and parents, but when you’re 8 years old, it’s hard to have a birthday without friends. It’s not the biggest thing in the world, but these little things add up.

Once our self-isolation period is over (Keith and I are under mandatory self-isolation until next Monday, because we were out of the country a week ago), Keith may have to do shifts in the ER, depending on how bad it gets in our home town (it’s not bad at all yet, and people have been isolating for over a week now). if that happens, he’ll have to cut off his beard (and I’ve finally gotten used to it!).

And then there are the big questions.

How bad will this be? What will happen to the economy? And the one that keeps me praying hard–what will happen when it really reaches the Third World?

For me, personally, not much has changed.

I’m still working on my yellow chair in my living room, with the computer balanced on my lap (I know that’s not ideal, but that’s how I work best). I’m still knitting at night, and going for walks in the neighbourhood, and doing my yoga workouts at home. I’m still FaceTiming with my kids everyday. Not much has changed, except checking the graphs of the COVID spread every now and then.

Ironically, today’s post was all set to be on how to help your husband find community. I decided that was too much irony, and I’ll run it in a few months. But I thought I’d just pop in to say that, if you’re nervous, I get it. If you’re feeling anxious, I get it. May we all pull together and be kind to one another and look out for one another and protect one another.

Here’s my very uninformed thoughts about what should happen…

And just to start the discussion, here is my extremely uninformed opinion, based on reading a few news articles, which obviously makes me an expert (NOT).

Singapore and Taiwan have done a good job of keeping life relatively normal and keeping the spread of this thing relatively minimal and contained, even though it showed up there very early. What they’ve been doing is concentrating on tracking the actual cases and everyone those people have been in contact with. They have an army of police officer detectives helping to locate anyone a positive person has had contact with, sort of like a missing persons department. And then all those people are in mandatory self-isolation for 14 days. You must have your phone on you with geolocation enabled. Randomly throughout the day, you receive a text. You have five minutes to reply to the text with a picture of your surroundings.

It’s a big infringement on civil liberties, and we aren’t used to things like that.

But because of those infringements, they’ve managed to keep restaurants and malls and even schools open.

I saw a picture of schools in Taiwan; all the kids wear masks, and then at lunch a 3-way barrier is put up on the kids’ desks so they can take their masks off and eat. Then it’s back to work.

So these countries are focused on identifying the cases, and then containing them. But then regular life can continue for everyone else (with masks and precautions and lots of hand washing, of course).

I think we’re going to have to do something like that. Give a shelter in place in order, so that people can’t leave their homes for two weeks except for emergencies. That allows us to start from scratch again and know where the active cases are, and then track them. Then, after those two weeks, hopefully things can return to semi-normal for everyone else. But it will mean no one goes anywhere for two weeks. People can’t be stupid and have parties or visit friends.

I don’t know if that would work in North America or Europe, but it seems to be working in Singapore. I don’t know what other choices we have.

But again, I’m not an expert, and all I see is what’s in the news. I’m just praying that those making the decisions are making good ones, and that our governments will listen to the experts.

So, in the meantime, make the most of your quarantine!

Learn to knit! Take up a hobby. Organize your home and clean out closets. Don’t forget to check out my post last week on 15 things to do with your kids while you’re stuck at home.

And I’ll get back to finishing our manuscript for The Great Sex Rescue.

I had some good posts planned for this week on lust, which I’m going to run anyway, because I like them, and I’d like to give us something else to talk about. So check in this week–it’s going to be a good one (especially Wednesday! And the podcast).

And take care, everyone. Leave a comment and tell me how you’re doing, and if there’s any way we can pray for you. And as you read the comments, say a prayer. We’re all in this together.

 

All the Ways Anxiety Has (Nearly) Ruined My Marriage

Anxiety plagues many of us, stealing our peace of mind, but also inserting itself into our marriages.

And that can cause some real problems.

I received this guest post from Amy, the awesome co-founder of Two Drifters, and thought many of you could relate to it–and that it seemed especially timely right now, given what we’re all going through. Amy and I do a lot together on Pinterest and social media, so it’s great to get a window into her marriage, and how God has helped her. Here’s Amy!

Anxiety sucks.

There’s no better way to put it. Unfortunately, the statistics don’t lie (and neither do my anxious friends and family members): a huge percentage of us suffer from anxiety.

While that is unfortunate, it does make for one blessing in disguise; the frequency of anxiety means that we are all far from alone. Many of us understand. Lots of us have been there. Quite a few of us are there right now. And we can connect, commiserate, and encourage one another who are dealing with the same things.

It is often said that anxiety attacks the things that matter most to us. It comes as no surprise to me, then, that my anxiety has frequently centered around my relationship with my husband.

Despite the fact that we have a wonderful, happy marriage and a downright beautiful relationship, anxiety has played a big role throughout our 8 years together. While anxiety has tried to pull us apart, it has never been successful. There are many reasons for that: love, faith, and action. I want to share all the ways in which anxiety has plagued my marriage and how my husband and I were able to deal with it.

Reassurance-Seeking and Anxiety

By far the worst type of anxiety I’ve dealt with in my relationship is my need for excessive reassurance. For the first several years of our relationship, I dealt with tremendous insecurity. Despite the fact that Nathan was an honest, loving, and open partner, I was wracked with fears that he would leave me and obsessing over every interaction we had.

This was at its worst when we were dating but not yet engaged. Although Nathan told me readily that he wanted the relationship to work out and was invested in staying together, my anxiety focused largely on this lack of an “official” commitment. I found myself constantly questioning his feelings for me and asking him for reassurance of what they were.

I’d ask things like: Do you love me? How much? Are you sure you’ll never leave me? What if your feelings change? Have you ever loved anyone this much? Are you annoyed with me? Are you thinking of leaving me? Are you sure?

And even though Nathan gave me lots of reassurance and some really loving, honest answers, I still never felt quite convinced. Something inside me could not relax and accept the love that was right in front of me. It may have been a lack of self-love, some deep-seated abandonment fears from my past, or a particularly awful breakup I’d endured a few years prior.

Whatever it was, it manifested itself as a nonstop quest for reassurance from Nathan. I am amazed sometimes that we made it through that time, because I know how agonizing it was for me and I can only imagine how taxing it was on Nathan. It’s not easy to feel responsible for someone else’s feelings and try to give them an endless stream of reassurance. And when they don’t believe what you’re saying, it can feel hopeless.

Fortunately, we DID get through this. I was committed to sorting through this issue and with the health of therapy, journaling, and lots of practice and patience, this anxiety did not get the opportunity to steal away my marriage.

You can read my whole story of needing reassurance in a relationship to learn how I worked through it and all the specific ways I tackled this type of anxiety.

Relationship Anxiety

Another kind of anxiety went after our relationship, too. This one tended to be endured by Nathan. He experienced some anxiety specifically focused on relationships.

While I was worried about Nathan’s feelings for me and his commitment, it turns out, he was kind of worried about these things, too. He is the type of person who takes every decision into immense consideration, and he acts carefully and deliberately. In terms of relationships, this meant he didn’t jump all in with his feelings right away (the way someone like me did). He was much more guarded with his heart.

As we got closer, Nathan started to experience anxiety about our growing relationship. What if he hurt me? What if it didn’t work out?

He felt that he could not even be sure of his own feelings at times.

What does it mean to be in love? What if he didn’t have that “head over heels” feeling? Weren’t people supposed to?

Together, we learned that this type of relationship anxiety is very common, but it is not often talked about! In fact, we live in a society that tends to emphasize the importance of “being certain”, a world in which “doubt means don’t.” We also live in a society that has long held onto a fairy-tale idea of relationships. The concepts of soulmates and “the one” are prevalent everywhere we look.

But these concepts can be harmful. They are especially damaging for people with anxiety—particularly if they tend to question their own feelings or look for certainty.

Again, time, patience, and lots of love and understanding helped my husband and I navigate through this anxiety. It really helped to find that other people had the same experience. It is downright terrifying to be in an intimate relationship with someone where we are fully vulnerable to another person. It’s harder for some of us than others, but it’s good to know you’re not alone if you face a similar kind of relationship anxiety.

Together, we learned what real love looks like. We found that it is not something that is always full of intense emotions and passion. We learned that feelings ebb and flow and that this is totally normal. We learned that love is an action and not a feeling, and so what we choose to DO matters more in our relationship than the state of our transient feelings. This made all the difference and really shifted the way we perceived our relationship and the way we would come to view our marriage a few years down the line.

Ultimately, for each of our flavors of anxiety, Nathan and I both had to learn how to become comfortable with uncertainty, too. That was a challenge! We found that having 100% certainty about anything is generally not possible, but that does not mean that we can’t have security. It doesn’t mean we can’t depend on our partner’s love and commitment. This served as a great reminder us that love is always a choice.

Separation Anxiety

Anxiety wasn’t done with me yet. I have also suffered from some adult separation anxiety over the course of my relationship. When Nathan and I had to be apart for any amount of time, I experienced a great deal of grief and even panic beforehand. It was exacerbated I am sure by the fact that we were long distance for more than a year of our relationship.

Luckily, we came up with ways to handle that together, and it made each separation much easier. Also, time really helped. Now I can go away for a week with hardly any separation anxiety. Well…maybe just a little.

General Anxiety

I know that there will always be anxiety in my life, and in my husband’s. We are just anxious people. Aside from the three specific anxieties I wrote about above, we both experience general anxiety of other types. Luckily, being two anxious souls allows us to be strong supporters of one another. And we’ve definitely developed some ways to deal with all this anxiety, both together and on our own. Here they are:

3 Ways to Deal with Anxiety in Your Marriage (or just life in general!)
1. Turn to God.

We haven’t always had a strong faith during our journey together. But in recent years, we’ve both grown so much closer to God, rekindling the Christian faiths we grew up in. That’s been an amazing journey for both of us (and really deserves an entire blog post in itself) and it’s been a good thing for our anxiety.

We strive to turn over all our cares and anxieties to God, just as He instructs us to (1 Peter 5:7). This is very hard, but it is something that gives us a great deal of comfort and reminds us that we are far from alone in our worries. God is always there for us, and he wants us to trust in Him and rest in Him. There is so much peace in the idea and it’s something we’re working really hard to cling to.

2. Keep connecting.

Nathan and I are extremely affectionate, and we think this is one of the things that has always helped us a great deal in our relationship. It keeps us feeling close and connected every day. It also allows us a real release; there’s nothing so comforting as lying curled up in your partner’s arms. Plus, according to science, cuddling may actually help your anxiety in a biological sense.

However works best for you, really make an effort to connect daily with your partner. It will remind you that you’re in this together and that you can handle anything life throws at you. We’ve got some simple ideas for that here: Relationship Rituals that Can Help Love Last

3. Take practical action.

Finally, you have to be prepared to DO something to help your anxiety. There are so many ways that anxiety can be reduced and assuaged but you have to take practical action.

Read highly-rated relevant books.
Try what they suggest. Try different ideas like yoga, meditation, etc. Commit to trying all kinds of things and give them a real chance to see if they help.
Journal.
Get your feelings and thoughts out on paper so you can try to work through them. This has so many benefits.
See a professional therapist.
Talking to someone who can equip you with tools to manage your anxiety is priceless. If the anxiety is affecting your marriage, you may choose to see a couple’s counselor also.

And no matter what or how you choose to do so, be sure work together with your spouse on the journey to healing. Not only will they be your best support, you just might find that going through something like this together draws you closer.

Amy Hartle is the co-founder and owner of Two Drifters, where she blogs about romantic and couples travel, relationships, honeymoons, and more. With a Master’s in English and a BA in Musical Theatre, Amy loves to write quality content as well as to entertain, and she hopes to do a bit of both! Amy is happily married to her husband Nathan, and when not working on their sites, Amy & Nathan can be found cuddling, reading, and enjoying delicious lattes.

Amy Hartle

Two Drifters

PODCAST: Should We Re-Think the Way We Do Church?

Should we rethink the way that we do church?

We’ve been talking this month about what healthy community is–why we need healthy community; 10 ways to make friends in a new church; our responsibilities when we’re part of a community; and more.

Being Lonely in a Group of People
10 Ways to Break Into A New Church and Find Friends
PODCAST: Are You a Community Giver or Taker?

This is actually something that is near and dear to my family’s hearts, as we’ve all been thinking a lot about church, and how we can do church better.

So in this podcast, Rebecca and I shared some of our frustrations, as well as our dreams of what church may look like.

Listen in, and then share your thoughts!

Listen to the Podcast Here

Browse all the Different Podcasts

See the Last “Start Your Engines” (Men’s) Podcast

 






Main Segment: What is it that we want and need from church in 2020?

Rebecca and I shared a ton of thoughts in our podcast, and I want to point you to some of the articles we mentioned, as well as some others that I’ve written over the years.

When Women Start Saying No to Church Activities
The Case Against Sermon-Centric Sundays (about how pastors can act as collaters and curators)
What Happened at Willow Creek?
10 Signs You’re in a Legalistic Church

One of the things I said in the podcast, that I think is important, is that we demand that pastors be educated and licensed, but that license is not one that they require to run a church. So there is no way to prevent them from starting a new church if they betray professional ethics. My husband, who is a physician, would have his license to practice medicine revoked if he did a number of things–had a sexual relationship with a patient; leaked patient confidential information; etc. But pastors can’t be prevented from starting a church.

And at the same time, they’re given tremendous power in many churches, and congregants can’t do anything about it. I gave the example of James MacDonald, and his fall from Harvest Bible Chapel, but there are many others.
I hope, in the next few decades, that we’ll find a better way to do church that better reflects the body of Christ.

So what do you think? With the Coronavirus, we’re all rethinking so much. What would you like to see in a church?

Real Community Lets You Be Real: A Look at the Duggar Family Rules

This month on the blog we’re talking about real community–how to be in a healthy place with people who love you and challenge you, and whom you can spur on to love and good deeds, too.

We’ve been talking about how to find healthy community, how to make friends, and what giving and accepting advice should look like in healthy community.

I want to add one more thing today, even though it’s not Monday, because a reader sent me this list and asked me to comment on it, and I thought it fit well in this month when we’re talking about community.

She sent me a list of the Duggar House Guidelines, which was up on the web in 2008, amended and enlarged in 2010, and then removed. Different variations of this list can be found online in the wayback machine (just search for http://duggarfamily.com/familyguideli...), and here’s a 2010 one:

Always use soft words, even when you don’t feel well.
Always display kind actions and joyful attitudes, even if you have been mistreated. Have the right response by quickly forgiving others in your heart even before they ask.
Always be enthusiastic and look for opportunities to praise others’ character.
Always deflect praise and be grateful to God and others for the ways they have benefited your life.
Always use manners and be respectful of others and their belongings.
Always do what is right, even when others may not, or when no one is looking.
Thank God for how He made you, for what He has given you and everything He allows you to go through. (Romans 8:28)
Don’t mock or put others down. Develop compassion and pray for others.
Never argue, complain, or blame. Quickly admit when you have done wrong and ask for forgiveness (even if you were only 10% at fault). Don’t wait till you’re caught. Be sure your sins will find you out. He who covers his sin will not prosper, but he that confesses and forsakes it shall find mercy.
Have a tough accountability/prayer partner to daily share your heart with and to keep you in line (your parents, spouse). The power of sin is in secrecy.
Be attentive and look for ways to serve others with sincere motives and no thought of self-gain.
Think pure thoughts (Philippians 4:8, Romans 13:14).
Always give a good report of others. Don’t gossip! Never tale-bear unless physical harm will come to someone. (Use Matthew 18.)
Never raise a hand to hit.
Never raise a foot to kick.
Never raise an object to throw.
Never raise a voice to yell.
Never raise an eye to scowl.
Use one toy/activity at a time. Share!
Do your best to keep your surroundings neat, clean and organized.
Never let the sun go down on your wrath. (Don’t go to bed angry or guilty)
Amendment J.O.Y. –
Put Jesus first, Others second, Yourself last.

I don’t want to talk about the Duggars, really, especially since they did take these guidelines down (I think after a lot of criticism). But people did it send it to me, and I found that this list encapsulates a lot of the problems I see in certain Christian communities. So since we’re talking about healthy Christian community this month, I’d like to deconstruct just three parts of it today, in hopes that I can help us identify when our community’s culture may not be healthy.

It’s okay to accept praise

The rules say:

Always be enthusiastic and look for opportunities to praise others’ character.
Always deflect praise and be grateful to God and others for the ways they have benefited your life.

So we’re to praise others, but then we’re to deflect praise. That’s a bit of a problem (I can see the circular conversations: “You’re so good at that!”, “Oh, no I’m not really, it’s all Jesus!”, “But still, you’re so good!” etc etc.)

Is there a better way to look at this? Can you accept praise without becoming proud or conceited?

I think so. And i think it’s healthier to do that than to pretend that you are never good at anything, that your effort never really mattered. After all, God is pleased with us when we listen to Him and when we do interesting things, and I think it’s okay to feel His pleasure.

Yet how many of us find it uncomfortable when someone gives us a compliment, and we need to immediately try to show why it’s not a big deal or why they’re wrong?

I’ve found a good answer is, “thank you for encouraging me.” If it’s good to praise others because it encourages them, then isn’t it okay to accept encouragement?

God Himself wants to say to us one day, “well done, good and faithful servant.”

You don’t always need to use soft words

I find the emphasis on always saying nice things in a nice way is a little bit odd, because some situations do not call for nice words or soft words. Nevertheless, the guidelines say:

Always use soft words, even when you don’t feel well.

Yes, we’re to be gentle. But sometimes more than soft words are called for! Let me remind you of this:

Or what about this?

 

It’s okay to protect yourself

The person who sent me this list was most concerned with this final point: Telling people that they must never say anything bad about anyone else, unless it may lead to physical harm, is highly problematic.

Always give a good report of others. Don’t gossip! Never tale-bear unless physical harm will come to someone. (Use Matthew 18.)

What about emotional abuse? What about spiritual or verbal abuse? And what if the harm will come to YOU, and not someone else? What if it’s not safe to go to the person first, as Matthew 18 instructs us to do in cases of personal conflict? What if that would make the situation worse, or what if it would increase danger?

Then you need to protect  yourself and others!

Okay, now what’s the commonality in these three things?

In unhealthy community, being nice matters more than being good.

When everyone is nice to each other, then on the surface, things all seem to be peachy and rosy. And if we want to have a community where everything is perpetually peachy and rosy, then being nice (and saying soft words and never be seen to stick out and never speaking ill of others) is absolutely necessary.

But what if keeping things peachy and rosy is a really bad goal for a healthy community? What if part of the point of community is that there will be friction, because people are not perfect, and we all are different, and as we rub together we will make mistakes? What if it’s better not for everything to be peachy and rosy, but for everything to be honest with a large dose of mercy? What if honesty matters more than on-the-surface peachiness and rosiness?

And what if you actually are a precious child of God, and it’s okay to protect yourself, notice when you have been obedient, successful, or done well, and it’s okay to celebrate that? 

Healthy community does not need people to feel bad about themselves or as if everyone else is better than they are.

Healthy community requires everyone to realize that they are all made in the image of God, and to treat others as those made in the image of God as well.

It’s to realize that we, ourselves, have worth, and that others have worth, too. And it’s to help all of us reflect more and more that image of God–even if it requires treading on other people’s toes.

Isn’t that what Jesus is all about? He’s not about making things peachy and rosy, anyway. He’s about challenging us to go constantly deeper into holiness, and justice, and mercy. He said,

Matthew 10:34

Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. 

Sometimes that will mean soft words. Sometimes that will mean blunt words, forceful words, piercing words.

Sometimes that will mean being sad, being angry, being melancholy, and sometimes it will mean being excited, happy, and optimistic.

How do you know the difference?

Because we’re always focused on Christ.

That’s why I don’t have r for my life. I’ve tried to write them at different times, but it never quite works. What may be good for one situation is not good for another and doesn’t always work, because we’re messy.

So I tend to use three simple principles:

Spur one another on to love and good deeds.
Point others to Christ.
Be transformed into the likeness of Christ.

If we do these, we’ll be fine.

In healthy community, there is room for a wide range of emotions

And one of the other good things about this is that being like Christ acknowledges that there is room for all emotions. Emotions, in and of themselves, are not bad. They are signals of what is going on in the real world. When we deny our emotions, we’re often simultaneously denying something that is happening-we’re not allowed to speak the truth about something. But Jesus is the Truth. Truth is never a problem. As Marc Shelske says in The Wisdom of The Heart:

QUOTE HERE

Healthy community encourages truth-telling, even if it means uncomfortable emotions or revelations, because the truth is not something to be feared. Truth takes us closer to Christ.

In unhealthy communities, though, appearance is what matters, so everyone must conform to a certain way of doing things, and must not rock the boat.

Some challenges to you if you want to walk in healthy community:

Practice accepting compliments–“thank you for encouraging me.” “That’s nice to hear.” “That made my day.” “I appreciate that.”
This week, say what you actually think in a situation where you may be tempted to just use soft words.
If you hear that someone in your community is being harmed, speak up. Don’t assume someone else will!

Do we understand the difference between nice and good? What do you think of these guidelines? Let’s talk in the comments!

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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.


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Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:

10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?



Check out some of Sheila's Books:

The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum



Check out Sheila's Courses:

The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course



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Your Non-Lame but Obligatory Post on Coronavirus & Resources for Kids & Fun Marriages!

So…anyone else self-isolating right now, cosying up with your spouse?

Something tells me there’s going to be a huge baby boom in about 9 months!

Want to hear something ironic? I originally had a post scheduled for today titled “Why We Should Celebrate Other People’s Weddings.” I moved it to May.

Keith and I have been on four planes and in four airports in the last 5 days, so we are hunkering down at home.

We were scheduled to speak at a marriage conference in Myrtle Beach last weekend, and we were going back and forth with the organizers, trying to decide whether or not to cancel. They decided to go ahead, because they had enough cancellations that they were now under 100 people, and at the time, the CDC was saying groups under 100 were okay.

It was honestly a wonderful weekend, with an amazing church group. And I don’t think there was a single cough or sneeze in the room the whole time. Nevertheless, I’m still hunkering down because asymptomatic people can still spread it, and I DO NOT want to spread this to anyone. Plus Keith checked with our local health department, and they are asking anyone who has been out of the country to self-isolate for 14 days. And that is what we are doing. (remember: the point is not just to make sure you don’t get it. The point is to make sure you don’t SPREAD it).

We were also scheduled to leave today for Trinidad, where we were to give some big sex talks to a congregation there. That did get cancelled, and we’re hoping we can go back in the fall.

Because we were scheduled to go away, though, Keith didn’t have any clinics booked in the next few weeks. So we’re both fine to be at home.

Of course, sitting at home and working is kind of like, well, every normal day of my life. So this isn’t that big a change!

I’ve received all kinds of emails from other groups I’m signed up with with plans to build your marriage while you’re stuck at home.

I considered writing some of those, too, but it just seemed excessive. There’s enough of that going around. So why don’t I just say this?

If you do want some great ways to connect with each other in the next few weeks, whether it’s visioning together for your family, identifying your emotional needs, reconnecting emotionally, feeling better about sex, choosing some new hobbies, and so much more, sign up for my email list! When you do, you get access to my library of freebies, and you can choose whatever you want and have fun!

And now can I give a bit of a pep talk to parents who are home with their kids?

I homeschooled my kids all the way through high school, so I was home with them A LOT. And the best way to make sure they don’t get whiny and bother you a ton is to spend a few hours everyday exclusively focused on them. When they have your attention, and they know that you’re enjoying it, they play much easier by themselves later in the day. When you’re just trying to keep them busy so they don’t bother you, they sense it and they often become even more demanding. But when you slow down and give them undivided attention, you fill up their tank and calm them down.

I was never one for sitting on the floor and actually playing with toys with my kids. But we could do all these educational things, and the kids found them fun. And I found that if I gave them my undivided attention in the morning, they often played so well together in the afternoon that I’d have time to work, too.

So if you’re trying to get work done, and now your kids are home, you’ll probably get more accomplished if you engage them wholeheartedly for a few hours a day, and then ask them to play by themselves so you can work, than if you try to get stuff done all day and they keep interrupting you.

Here’s how (and some affiliate links follow!):

1. Read great books to your kids

When we were homeschooling, my absolute favourite way of doing that was reading books. We read everything out loud–and often many times! I think over the course of the girls’ childhoods we read the Anne of Green Gables series twice. We did all the Beverly Cleary books twice, too. And Narnia? At least three times! And they were wonderful each time.

Little Women may be an appropriate one to read right now, with Beth’s illness (or perhaps that’s too scary–I don’t know!). But Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, the Wizard of Oz, Pippi Longstocking, Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of NIMH, Redwall, Mrs. Piggle Wiggle, The Sign of the Beaver, and more–so many wonderful children’s books.

I asked Joanna, who works with me and is a young mom looking for great Christian content and I asked her for a list of her favorite books for kids. Here’s Joanna,

There are some truly fabulous books and resources available for Christian kids today. Now that we’re in coronavirus social distancing mode, we will be spending lots more time home and reading. Here are some of my favorite Christian books you probably haven’t heard of, by level

Board Books

First Bible Basics: A Counting Primer
Holy Week: An Emotions Primer
Psalms of Praise: A Movement Primer
Jesus is Alive!
The Biggest Story ABC
Laugh and Learn Bible for Little Ones
Found: Psalm 23

Picture Books

Jesus and the Very Big Surprise
God’s Very Good Idea
The Garden, the Curtain, and the Cross
How much is a Little Girl Worth?
Laugh and Learn Bible for Kids

Chapter Books

The Rise and Fall of Mount Majestic
Henry and the Chalk Dragon
The Green Ember
On the Edge of the Dark Sea of Darkness

The other thing that worked well was reading educational books and then having them do projects, whether it was drawing pictures or doing crafts or writing stories or making up a play that has to do with that time period.

2. Do some crafts with kids

We’d also make homemade play doh or goop (it’s easier than you think) and let them play with that for hours on end!

If your kids are at least 6 or 7, it’s a great time to teach them how to knit or crochet, too, and that can help them keep busy. My grandmother learned to knit when she was 7, under quarantine with diphtheria (which eventually took her sister from her). And I still have so many items of clothing that my grandmother knit! Here are my girls a few years ago wearing some dresses she knit in the 60s:

Katie and Rebecca in 2013, wearing lace dresses from the 1960s that their great-grandmother knit

 

And young boys often enjoy knitting as well. If they find that difficult, one of these knitting looms from Amazon are a great substitute, and they can make a hat or an infinity scarf.

3. Play Family Board Games

And then, of course, kids also love puzzles and family board games! I’ve got a list of our favourite 20 that work at various ages (and then, of course, I also have our favourite board games for couples, too). With an Amazon Prime membership, you can get them shipped for free in two days.

I also asked Joanna about kids and family board games, since there are SO many new great games. Here are a few of her suggestions,

My First Orchard

We are truly blessed that we live in an era where there are AMAZING companies producing high quality educational games for small children. Gone are the days of Candyland reigning supreme. (Hooray!) HABA games is my go-to recommendation for games for little kids and their “my first” series is appropriate for children starting at age 2. I got my daughter My First Orchard for her second birthday and I was really impressed with how large the different fruits and pieces that are included in the game. It’s simple enough for her to understand and it’s been great practice in following directions, basic rules, and colors.

Honga

HABA also has a variety of games for families or older children. Honga is a new game that sounds totally adorable and really fun – plus it teaches risk/reward in a really creative way (it involves a “pet” sabor tooth tiger).

My Little Scythe

For older kids, My Little Scythe is a new game that’s an adorable way to learn some really tricky concepts – drafting, selecting actions, managing where you are on tracks, and so on. The game is adorable, well thought out, and will teach kids LOTS of important skills. I’m especially impressed that it comes with a variety of miniatures that kids will love spending an afternoon painting.

4. Take museum tours.

Lots of museums, zoos, aquariums offer free online tours. A list of some amazing options is available here 

5. Enjoy a night (in) at the opera

The MET opera in New York is offering free streaming of their performances from their website.

6. Check out free educational resources online

A number of educational companies are offering curriculum for free. A handy list is here.

7. Teach your kids life skills

Whether you’re an avid gardener, are good with cars, sew like a fiend, or are the best home chef around, you’ve got skills that you could teach your kids. Home economics and life skills aren’t included in formal curricula for schools anymore, but getting kids acquainted with how to run a household from an early age is so important. Hey, you can even get older kids to help you with your taxes!

8. Use screen time as family time

Joanna wrote about this last week, Minno is a great streaming resource with LOTS of amazing Christian content – including 30 classic Veggie Tales episodes. They have a free one week trial for TLHV readers – just use this link! Joanna and I went for a walk last week and her daughter was singing a song about all the Judges in the Bible. She’s only 2! I’ve been really impressed with her Bible knowledge, which she got from watching shows available on Minno. Here are two of Joanna’s favorites:

Slugs and Bugs

I’ve started making a 3 episode DVD of The Slugs and Bugs Show a default gift to families with kids. I love this show. It’s paced well for little ones, the lessons are really thoughtful and nuanced, and it’s genuinely funny even for grownups. Plus, every episode is packed full of Biblical insight and Bible verses set to music. In the midst of this pandemic, hearing my toddler sing, “trust in the Lord with all your heart…” has been a comfort to me in a way nothing else has been. If you’re a mom with little kids, I cannot recommend the Slugs and Bugs Show enough. Wonderfully, Slugs and Bugs has made one episode of the show (appropriately about fear and trusting the Lord) free on their website.

What’s in the Bible

The What’s in the Bible series covers the Bible from cover to cover. (Ok. I feel bad about that joke. Forgive me?) It’s incredible thoughtful, delves into hard issues, teaches the good news about Jesus AND it’s funny. It’s a win all around. I genuinely can’t recommend this enough – it is family viewing at its finest.

9. Watch free documentaries

With sports cancelled until further notice, maybe your sports nut would enjoy Ken Burn’s classic Baseball documentary, which is streaming free at pbs.org. Additionally, a link to a variety of free documentaries is available here. (As a note, be sure to do due diligence with documentaries since they aren’t fact checked or subject to expert opinion in the same way that, say, scientific articles are.

10. Sorting bears make math more fun!

Sorting animals are a great investment (ok, they’re $15 on amazon. But still.) They grow with your kids! Little ones can use them to practice sorting by color but older kids can use bears to investigate math problems, create patterns, and play with numbers as their imaginations take them.

11. Use The Bible Project to increase your kids’ Biblical Literacy

One really great use of this slower season is to delve deeper into your walk with the Lord. The Bible Project makes high quality, animated youtube videos on TONS of different biblical topics. They’re a wonderful resource, especially for older elementary children and up. If you’d like to make scripture reading more of a mainstay in your children’s lives, they have email subscriptions available that will send you what text to read and a video to watch beforehand to prepare you for the reading. I’m so impressed with their ministry.

12. Try learning geography with Setera

Preparing your kiddos for a winning run on Jeopardy? They’ll need to learn lots of geography before they head to Final. Use the many map quizzes available to learn all kinds of important geography facts.

13. Use free lesson plans from NASA
14. Learn Human Anatomy with Inner Body
15. Learn search tools and use brain teasers by using Google a Day

This is a great problem solving tool – have your kids figure out the answer to a riddle using a search engine and the power of their brains. I’d make this a family activity to be sure things don’t go awry, but it’s a really fun getting going activity for you all!

So there you go–lots of things to keep you and your kids busy if you’re stuck at home.

And then maybe we won’t think of it as a punishment to be home, but instead as an opportunity to explore and have some fun without a huge list of things we have to do, like normal. And, again, if you do need to work, spending some uninterrupted time with your kids earlier in the day helps soothe and calm them so they’ll give you more time later!

Let me know–are you self-isolating? Is school cancelled for your kids? Are you working from home? How are you coping? Let’s talk in the comments!