Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 62

COMMUNITY SERIES: How to Foster a Community that Can Talk about Sex!

I think a lot of people read my blog because they can’t talk about sex in real life.

Seriously, we just don’t talk about this stuff. Do you know which of your friends has trouble reaching orgasm? Which ones are battling an erotica or porn problem? Which ones are high libido, married to low libido husbands?

Likely not. And maybe that’s a good thing. I’m not actually a big proponent of knowing enough about the people in my life that I can picture anything, if you know what I mean.

But I do think that we should start talking about some things far more openly. Not necessarily about our own experiences to everyone, but certainly about information that you’ve learned and that you’ve found helpful and that others need to know, too.

This month, on our Monday series, we’ve been talking about community, and how to foster a healthy community at church. Last week we looked at 10 ways to find friends at church. But I want to change focus for a moment today and look at why it is that we want that community in the first place. And one of the big reasons, I think, is that sometimes we need a safe place to go to get help and direction, and a healthy community should provide that.

However, often we’re in a healthy community, even with healthy people, but certain talk is still off limits. I’m hoping I can change that. So let’s jump in!

UPDATE: I wrote this post last week, before the coronavirus had become as bad as it is. I’d like to say some things about that, too, and I likely will tomorrow! Kind of ironic that this month’s series is on community, eh? 

First, I think it’s a myth that Christians are uncomfortable talking about sex.

We believe it’s true, and we often act as if it’s true, but in my experience, I have found women extremely open to talking about it–desperate, in fact.

But here’s what happens:

We set the expectation that people won’t want to talk about sex, or that Christians hate talking about sex. Because that’s the expectation, then in large groups we tend to fudge the topic. We act embarrassed, because we figure other people must be uncomfortable, and so they would think we’re weird if we bring it up. In so doing, we create a culture where it’s assumed that Christians are afraid and offended if anyone talks about sex. 

But I firmly believe that’s not where people are at.

Last Saturday night, I gave my sex talk at my daughter Katie’s church.

One of the interesting parts of the evening is the anonymous Q&A. We always take a break around the halfway point, to give people a chance to eat some goodies and chat, yes, but also to put some anonymous questions in the basket. I don’t screen the questions; I just read them live and do my best to answer.

Getting the questions ready at a Girl Talk in Grande Prairie, Alberta

There are always so many. They’re often very detailed; it’s clear that women have wanted good answers to these questions for ages, and they’ve never had a good place to ask them. Whether it’s a conservative Mennonite community; a conservative Bible belt community; or a progressive downtown urban church, the questions are remarkably similar.

Are sex toys okay?
What about oral sex?
What if I have no libido? What if he doesn’t?
He’s emotionally abusive and wants sex all the time.
What do I do if he’s addicted to porn? What if I am?
Why can’t I reach orgasm?
What if he doesn’t take very much time?
And more…and more.

Giving my talk in Spring Branch, Texas

At my book table after the event, women flock to share detailed stories about something they’ve gone through in the bedroom, and I’m always honoured, because I know that I’m likely the first they’ve ever told.

And there is always one woman hanging back, waiting to talk to me, desperate to be able to put into words something that she has been carrying around.

Because sex is so vulnerable, our sexuality often affects more than other parts of us. So when we can’t talk about it, it’s as if we’re cutting off a part of ourselves. And we suffer in silence. 

Girl Talk in Brampton, Ontario

How can you become a community that talks about sex?
Have a strong marriage ministry, youth ministry, and young adults’ ministry at your church

I’ve written before about a blueprint for a good marriage ministry, but let’s not restrict the talk about sex to just married couples. Singles are dealing with this, too. So are youth. So are those who are divorced!

Hire people on staff who are confident and capable of talking about this in detail, including helping couples and families navigate porn use; helping people find medical personnel and counselors in the area who are trained in specific aspects of sexuality and sexual problems; have resources in your library that talk about healthy sexuality, and don’t reinforce negative stereotypes (like Love & Respect or Every Man’s Battle, for example).

Talk to friends/young people you know who are getting married with basic information

Whenever people get married now, I tell them three things:

First, the assurance: Sex is a journey; it gets better with time for most people. And most people really do enjoy sex! For some, right off the bat. For others, it gets good still pretty quickly. Relax, and don’t worry too much about it.
Second, the advice: Aim for arousal, not just intercourse (it’s important to help her to feel aroused and associate good things with married sex, rather than just rushing through intercourse)
Third, the warning: If sex is difficult or painful about a couple of days, or if you’re having trouble with UTIs, etc., don’t suffer in silence. Seek out help. And if something goes wrong on his end, seek out help, too!

Of course, I also give them a copy of The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, which is wonderful for engaged women, and I sign them up for The Honeymoon Prep Course. But telling people far and wide when they get married these basic three things helps them so that if things don’t go well, they know they’re not strange, and they know that help is available.

Are you ready for the honeymoon you always dreamed of?

The Honeymoon Course is here to help you plan the perfect honeymoon and start your marriage (and your sex life!) off with laughter, joy and fun!

Don’t make the same mistakes other couples have–get it right from the beginning! 

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Tell young newlyweds that if they ever have any questions, they can ask you, and you won’t tell anyone else.

And be specific! I’ve let friends of my daughters who have gotten married know that if they ever have any questions about orgasm or sex or anything they can ask me (just saying the word “orgasm” lets people know that you’re serious.) Don’t just say, “if you ever have any problems in the bedroom, let me know.” Be more specific. Then they know they don’t have to be embarrassed about saying the real words to you.

In your peer group, make it clear (without giving details) that you think sex is great, and that it’s important to talk about

In a small group Bible study with other moms? Do you join other women for a jogging group or a craft group? If the subject of sex comes up, say something like, “Well, I really enjoy sex, though it wasn’t always that way, and I’d be happy to give some advice if anyone ever asks!” Again, you don’t have to give specific details. But use the opportunity to let it be known, “I’m a safe place.”

I don’t think Christians are as hung up as we often think. We assume that Christians don’t want to talk about sex, but the truth is that most Christians simply aren’t comfortable with the way our culture treats sex in a rather crude manner. But most of us would also love more safe information about dealing with problems, about techniques, about what’s okay and what isn’t, and so much more.

We create our own communities. When you talk openly about something, you give other people the opportunity to talk openly about it. Even if you do and someone else gives you the evil eye, chances are 2-3 others will seek you out individually later, because women are craving to talk about this.

Let’s not cede the ground of sexuality to the world. We have a lot of great stuff to share. So speak up. Let others know you’re safe. If you see people with super bad books that will hurt their marriage and their sex life, tell them, and explain why, and then present an alternative. I think the reason that so many books took off that treated women’s sexuality so badly was because women were afraid to speak up and say, “this is all wrong and I find it deeply disturbing that people thought this was normal.” It’s okay to speak up! And the more we do, the more churches will be a place where healthy sexuality can be promoted.

God made sex to be AWESOME!

It’s supposed to be great physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Feel like something’s missing?

Check out The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex!

Have We Made Sex into an Entitlement?

What happens if we tell women that husbands are entitled to sex–no matter what?

I’m a big proponent of sex in marriage. Most of what I write is about sex. I have a revamped version of 31 Days to Great Sex coming out this summer with Zondervan. I’ve created a course to help women Boost their Libido. I have a super fun product for couples called 24 Spicy Dares, that can add some heat and passion to your marriage!

I believe that the ideal is for sex to be fun, passionate, and frequent.

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Let's add some heat!

But I’ve also found that one of the big things that wrecks sex in marriage is treating it like an entitlement, rather than as a mutual expression of love. 

On Fridays I like to feature some comments that came in during the week, because often the best parts of the blog are in the comments section, and sometimes people miss that!

And this week we’ve talked about community, and screen time, and doing family well.

But the comment I want to focus on came in this week, but it was in response to a post from a few weeks ago on sexual trauma–The Body Keeps the Score. 

Mia wrote:

Reader Comment

My husband and I have been married for four years, and used to enjoy sexual intimacy and never had any problems – until after the birth of our first child. It could be a mix of things that caused it but I definitely know that the pressure I felt early on to please my husband did something very negative to my overall view of sex. When we did try intercourse it was extremely painful. We have unsuccessfully tried several times since then. It has almost been two years. The sexual dysfunction exposed underlying issues in our relationships that we have not been able to repair. We are heading toward separation. My husband has a very fundamentalistic view of the bible (I used to as well) and I think he would like me to suffer through the pain and fulfill my duty for his sake. That duty-mentality completely kills any arousal and does not help fix my problem of pain. I just cannot do it. That’s not to say I am not open to other to different ways of being sexually intimate, it is just that all this tension and hostility between us makes it seem impossible to do with a sincere heart. I most definitely blame christian culture and purity culture. We were taught that if we stayed pure – sex in marriage would be fantastic. Which it was for some years, but then we were hit with reality. My husband has been in denial and admitted that he never thought something like this could even happen. His relationship with God has drastically gone downhill. Perhaps questioning God’s goodness for allowing this situation to happen. My husband went three years before our marriage without any sex or masturbation, to please God, so I know he is capable, but he says it is different in marriage. Which I can understand to a degree, but still. It is interesting to me that when it is my body that got injured during birth (pelvic organ prolapse) and my body that has changed and now experiences pain during intercourse – that he acts as if he is the only one hurting. I know he loves me, but I feel so objectified, like you mentioned, a “penis home”. The fact that my husband wants me to have sex with him despite intense pain disgusts me and I really questioning who I chose to marry.

Wow. Please listen to this again:

It is interesting to me that when it is my body that got injured during birth (pelvic organ prolapse) and my body that has changed and now experiences pain during intercourse – that he acts as if he is the only one hurting.

When we talk about sex as something that women must give men with no caveats, we treat men’s need for sex as a bigger need than anything else.

This is the problem with books like Love & Respect, Every Man’s Battle, The Power of a Praying Wife, or others treating sex like something that a woman must give, without ever giving any caveats about pain, vaginismus, nausea during pregnancy, grief if a parent or a child dies, emotional abuse, physical abuse, addictions, porn use, or anything else. By saying that women must give men sex, and not ever mentioning a time when this may not be a good idea or when her needs might supersede his, then readers are left with the impression that no matter how badly she is feeling, he must still be feeling even worse. 

When pastors talk about sex as a duty in marriage, rather than as something which is meant for both of you and that grows out of your relationship with one another, it can leave women feeling exactly like this woman does–that she doesn’t matter.

I believe that men who would otherwise be very giving in every other area of their marriage are taught that their needs here are so great that she is sinning if she doesn’t meet them–no matter what is happening with her.

I know men who are super generous, and very kind, and very giving in every other area of their lives, but they simply feel entitled to sex. And if she can’t provide it, because of pain or physical problems or grief or anything else, they become very angry and resentful. In this one area, there is a tremendous amount of selfishness. And, ironically, they think they’re being Christian, because 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 says “do not deprive“. How sad it is that their wives are not listening to Jesus, in their minds.

They try to live a holy life and obey God, and they have also been taught that part of a woman obeying God is providing them with sex. So if she doesn’t, for whatever reason, she is sinning. And so it’s easy to feel as if you are in the right and she is in the wrong–even though that attitude completely ignores a really important Biblical concept, putting others’ needs before your own:

Philippians 2:3-4

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, rather, in humility value others above yourselves. 

Not just that, but:
Jesus called them together and said,

Matthew 20:25-28

“You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must become your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave – just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

When we think about sex as a male entitlement, we change the very nature of sex.

Despite what much evangelical teaching says, sex is not just about a husband’s physical release. In fact, that, in and of itself, is not the point at all. Sex is about a mutual “knowing” of each other; a mutually satisfying, passionate encounter where both partners feel seen and cared for. When we make sex into something that she owes him, we erase her entirely.

We don’t just erase her sexuality, either. We erase her personhood. If sex is supposed to be a deep, intimate “knowing” of each other, then if he is saying, “I deserve sex no matter what you think or feel”, he is actually rejecting knowing her. He isn’t only using her; he is rejecting her as a person.

It may not feel that way to him, but that is exactly the way it feels to her, and that is exactly what his actions are saying.

By perpetuating the idea that sex is an entitlement, we change the very nature of faith, too.

She writes:

My husband has been in denial and admitted that he never thought something like this could even happen. His relationship with God has drastically gone downhill. Perhaps questioning God’s goodness for allowing this situation to happen.

This breaks my heart. People are walking away from Jesus because sex isn’t going well in marriage. It’s all part of treating sexuality like a prosperity gospel–if you do all the right things, God will give you amazing sex.

There’s a huge problem with the way that we are discipling young people today. Too much of the evangelical church is trying to “bribe” teenagers and young adults to stay with Christ because the world has terrible relationships and terrible marriages and terrible sex, and if you do it God’s way and don’t have sex now, then everything will go well with you. The reason you follow Jesus is because when you live like a Christian, you don’t have all the struggles these people have. Your life is good.

The reason you follow Jesus is because Jesus is Lord. You follow Him because He’s good, and because the kingdom that He ushered in is built on the kind of principles that are life-giving. You follow Him because He loves you, and because through the Holy Spirit we have power to live the kind of life we are called to live. We follow Him because He gave the ultimate sacrifice for us.

He does not guarantee us ANYTHING on this earth. We need to get that through our heads.

When we think about sex as a male entitlement, we change the very nature of sex.

(Click here to tweet this quote)

What would I say to this woman?

First, I’m so sorry. What a terrible burden and heartbreak to carry. On a physical note, please see a pelvic floor physiotherapist to deal with the issues, because they likely are fixable.

But about marriage, please talk to a licensed counselor about this. Don’t back down, but fight for your marriage. Don’t let him go without a fight. Call him to more. He was not called to live a selfish, entitled life, thinking that this is the picture of Christianity. He was called to follow Jesus. At one point  he likely fell in love with the real Jesus. Remind him of that person he once was. If you can, take the attention off of sex and onto Jesus, because that’s the root of the issue. Our life is not about entitlement but service. So let’s learn how to serve each other better, and that means understanding what sex in light of Jesus, even if that sounds weird. Jesus was about serving and passion. Jesus was never, ever about entitlement. If we make one part of our lives diametrically opposite to Jesus, then we’re actually showing we don’t understand our Savior.

If you see a counselor who doesn’t understand the problem with entitlement sex, then find another one. But most will see how dangerous this is.

You have children now, and I pray that you can work this out. But I understand your heartache, and I’m so, so sorry that the church set you both up for such a profound disappointment and betrayal.

Previous Posts on how Sex Should Be Mutual:

Does “Do Not Deprive” Apply to Wives More than Husbands?

Why God Made Sex to Be Mutual

10 Times It’s Okay to Say No to Sex

We Need a New Definition of Sex (that’s mutual!)

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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.


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Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:

10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?



Check out some of Sheila's Books:

The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum



Check out Sheila's Courses:

The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course



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PODCAST: Are You a Community Giver or Taker?

Real community goes both ways!

In March we’re dedicating the month to talking about community, and this week we talked about 10 ways to break into a new church. One of the things we wanted to emphasize, though, is that community is not just about what you can get; it’s also about what you can give. And that means that, when we’re in community, other people do have the right to speak into our lives.

Plus I answered some reader questions! So listen in first, and then let’s talk.

PODCAST: Do We need to Rethink How we Do Church?

Should we rethink the way that we do church?

We’ve been talking this month about what healthy community is–why we need healthy community; 10 ways to make friends in a new church; our responsibilities when we’re part of a community; and more.

Being Lonely in a Group of People
10 Ways to Break Into A New Church and Find Friends
How to Help Your Child Make Good Friends
PODCAST: Are You a Community Giver or Taker?

Listen to the Podcast HereBrowse all the Different Podcasts

See the Last “Start Your Engines” (Men’s) Podcast

This is actually something that is near and dear to my family’s hearts, as we’ve all been thinking a lot about church, and how we can do church better.
So in this podcast, Rebecca and I shared some of our frustrations, as well as our dreams of what church may look like. Listen in, and then share your thoughts!

Main Segment: What is it that we want and need from church in 2020?

Rebecca and I shared a ton of thoughts in our podcast, and I want to point you to some of the articles we mentioned, as well as some others that I’ve written over the years.

When Women Start Saying No to Church Activities 
The Case Against Sermon-Centric Sundays (about how pastors can act as collaters and curators)
What Happened at Willow Creek?
10 Signs You’re in a Legalistic Church

One of the things I said in the podcast, that I think is important, too, is that we demand that pastors be educated and licensed, but that license is not one that they require to run a church.  So there is no way to prevent them from starting a new church if they betray professional ethics. My husband, who is a physician, would have his license to practice medicine revoked if he did a number of things–had a sexual relationship with a patient; leaked patient confidential information; etc. But pastors can’t be prevented from starting a church.
And at the same time, they’re given tremendous power in many churches, and congregants can’t do anything about it. I gave the example of James MacDonald, and his fall from Harvest Bible Chapel here, but there are many others.
I hope, in the next few decades, that we’ll find a better way to do church that better reflects the body of Christ.

How to Nurture Healthy Screen Habits for Your Family

Thanks so much to Minno for sponsoring this post!

When my girls were small, they woke up at an ungodly hour of the morning every day.

Keith was working long hours as a medical resident and our apartment was tiny. So the girls watched Babe each morning (aka, “Pig and Duck”) so at least one of us could get some sleep. Figuring out the screen time rules that work best for your family is a really big task, so when Minno asked me about a sponsored post, I asked Joanna to write it up for me, since she’s a young mom who is figuring all of this out and she has a background in public health. Here’s what she’s got to share.

While we all know that screen time is best when limited (and that our kids are probably spending too much time in front of a screen), screens are also wonderful allies.

In the great Canadian winter, when we’ve already read all the books and played all the games, it is really nice to snuggle with my toddler and watch a show together. Here are five principles to keep in mind when it comes to screens, as you determine the rules that will work best for your family:

1. Screen time is awesome for connecting with family far away

We live far away from all of our family. So did my grandmother, when she was raising her 9 kids. But back then, Nanny couldn’t FaceTime her mom, instead they had a tradition where they both would drink their cup of coffee at 10 am, knowing the other was doing the same a thousand miles away.

Today, my toddler enjoys “joining” her grandfather as he sets up his bird feeder and throws frisbee with the dog. She knows that her grandmother has a stack of books she’ll be happy to read over FaceTime, and even requests favorites. It’s not the same as living down the street, but it is so much better than it used to be. We are so grateful for the gift that screen time has been to our family!

2. Kids need to play apart from screen time

The WHO (World Health Organization) recommends limiting screen time for children ages 2-4 to an hour a day (that doesn’t necessarily include social screen time like talking to family). They also note that less is more and that it’s really important to make sure children have lots of high quality, unstructured play time.

Screen time becomes a problem when it is used to avoid the natural parts of childhood or parenting. When siblings are bickering it’s easier to turn on the TV than it is to listen to them fight as they work it out, or jump in the mix and have a conversation about sharing. If your 5 year old is bored and whining at you about it, it’s easy to give them an iPad instead of making them figure out how to entertain themselves. So while screen time in and of itself is not bad, it can become a problem if it becomes an avoidance tool for the normal (and admittedly annoying) quirks and struggles of childhood.

I asked Keith for his advice about screen time, given that he’s a pediatrician, and he recommends putting together a screen time plan for your family. Here’s his advice:

Parents need to take an active role in managing their children’s use of screen time. So many resources are available to help with this through the Canadian Pediatric Society, the American Academy of Pediatrics, and other national bodies. You’ll never regret setting up a media plan for your family!

Keith Gregoire

Pediatrician

3. You CAN be choosy about what your child watches!

It’s easy to look at kid’s TV today and think, “MAN, this is bad.” But you know what? There have been good and bad programs for as long as TV has been around! It’s your job, as a parent, to choose good for your kids!

Since screens are such an omni-present part of our lives now, some really great options have popped up lately. And one of those options that we really like is Minno. Minno is a safe streaming service for kids that has really great Christian programs that actually teach your kid about God. There are classic Veggie Tales episodes on there, and also our favourite program, What’s in the Bible?, created by the same guy who made the original Veggie Tales show.

Often when we talk about programs for kids, we ask “Does this have any dangerous or inappropriate content?” We don’t often ask ourselves, “Is this content helping my child become a better person?”

The What’s in the Bible series is truly fantastic. It actually teaches you so much about scripture–despite the fact that I memorized about half of the New Testament before I graduated from high school, I was stunned at how much I was learning from a show hosted by a puppet named Buck Denver.

I have also used the What’s in the Bible curriculum while teaching Sunday School and loved it. It was incredible to me how easily complex concepts were explained. I’m embarrassed to say that after hearing Phil describe faith in the episode on the Pauline epistles, I understood the relationship between faith and trust for the first time… ever.

I was delighted when my own daughter was old enough to start watching What’s in The Bible with me. She just turned two so to be honest, she’s still in it for the songs. A current favorite of hers is the “judges” song, which is a silly spin through the 12 judges of the eponymous book. Now, of course, she’s memorized more or less the whole thing and hearing my toddler sing about Deborah, Sampson, and the rest makes my heart happy.

That’s what we should expect of good kids’ programming. And that’s just one of the series on Minno–there’s tons more content that isn’t just “not bad,” but is actively good.

4. Your kid needs to be safe when watching movies or shows

Let’s put it out there: even “kid-friendly” apps like YouTube Kids are often not safe. It has been widely documented the pornographic, violent, or otherwise disturbing content that slips past filters every single day that millions upon millions of kids are watching.

Similarly, letting your kids simply watch something on a streaming service that also has adult content on it may lead to them watching something you really would rather they didn’t see.

And also, even when you do find something that is safe or kid-friendly, often there are a ton of advertisements that ruin the experience or mean tons of conversations about why no, you don’t need the Lego set in the commercial.

Choosing an option for screentime that is ad-free and allows you to rest easy knowing that no matter what your kid clicks on, they will find good and wholesome content can be a huge stress-relief for parents and a huge protection for kids. You can feel safe letting your kids choose any show they want to watch on Minno, which is one of the reasons we love it! You won’t have to worry about what might pop up next and there are NO commercials.

5. Make screen-time a public activity

Screen times recommendations vary, but a very important and consistent point is that parents watching WITH their children is very important. Screens often become a very isolating activity–you become all-encompassed in what you are doing and you become separate from the rest of the family. By having screen time solely in public spaces by using TVs instead of cell phones when you are at home, for example, you can keep tabs on what your kids are watching–even if you’re in the next room making dinner. (And by the way, Minno works with Roku, Chrome cast, and AppleTV, too!)

By watching shows together, you can have conversations about what you are watching. And that’s a lot less painful for the parent when the shows your kids are watching aren’t ridiculously annoying.

So that’s why we think Minno is really a great option for families who are looking to optimize their screen time and cut out the junk. The programs are high-quality and genuinely good, so mom and dad can be involved with TV watching without wanting to smash the TV. They’re a wonderful streaming platform with TONS of great programs for kids. All of the What’s in the Bible programs are there (including the spin offs), ready and waiting for your kiddos. They also have over 30 classic VeggieTales episodes, and if that’s not enough, you can check out Davey and Goliath, Bible Man, Theo, Owlgories, Torchlighters, and lots and lots more.

Minno is totally ad free and all of the programs are safe for little eyes and ears. And something really cool about it is that it isn’t just for the kids–as we move through lent and prepare for Easter, one great option with Minno is their 5 week family devotional series using What’s in the Bible to teach children about Jesus’ death and resurrection. Their curriculum is always high quality, well thought through, and willing to deal with the tricky questions of faith.

And it doesn’t break the bank, either. Especially since if you’d like to give it a try, Minno is offering To Love, Honor, and Vacuum readers a 7 day trial of their platform.

Get a 7-day free trial to check out Minno!

Minno is offering To Love, Honor, and Vacuum readers a 7-day long trial so you can check out the programs and see what you think. We’re positive you’re going to love it!

Redeem my free trial

What are some of your ways of managing healthy screen time with your kids? What are some tips and tricks that have worked for you? Let us know in the comments below!

10 Great Reasons to Eat Dinner as a Family–and 3 Ways to Make it More Fun

One of the things I’m most passionate about when it comes to parenting is family meal times.

I used to write about this a lot more when the blog was more parenting focused and less sex focused, and I haven’t talked about it in a while. But it’s so important that I’d like to revisit it today and try to convince you with 10 reasons why you should be eating dinner around a table tonight. And then I’ll add 3 ways to make that more fun!

When my daughter Katie was about 11, I remember her saying to me, “You know what I like about our family, Mommy? We eat together.”

It’s such a little thing, but when the girls had friends over, it’s amazing how many would confess that it was a new experience for them. Most people eat in front of screens, or they grab dinner on the run.

And that’s not good. It’s over food that we connect, talk, share, and bond.

But I know meal planning takes time, especially when everyone has busy schedules. But it is more important for your family to eat dinner together at least 3 times a week than it is for your kids to all be in soccer, or to all be on the baseball team. Family trumps sports. As adults, kids will remember sitting with family and the relationships that grew from that far more than they will anything else.

If you don’t have time to eat dinner together, you’re doing something wrong. If I can be so bold–you have to change your schedule. No ifs, ands, or buts. And if you don’t believe me, read on! Here are 10 benefits from eating together:

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Eating Dinner as a Family Is Good for the Body
1. When families eat together, everyone tends to eat healthier overall.

When people eat at home, they eat a lot more fruit and vegetables, get more nutrients, and tend to have a lower incidence of obesity. I think this is also because parents are watching what everyone eats! And when we snack in front of the TV, we eat way more than if we were sitting at a table. By eating dinner at a table, too, there’s an actual “dinner time”, so you can limit some snacks so they don’t “ruin their dinner.” When there isn’t a natural dinner time, or when parents cook kids what they want to eat when they want to eat it, kids tend to consume more unhealthy foods.

2. When families eat together, children show better fitness levels.

A recent Canadian study out of the University of Montreal found that when kids eat dinner with their parents at age 6, they’re more likely to have good fitness when they’re age 10. Here’s why this study matters: before this study, people wondered if healthier people were more likely to eat dinner as a family, and thus their kids would also be healthier. But this study started following the kids at infancy, and so they could measure those factors. They found that eating dinner as a family was statistically significant–it wasn’t just that healthy people tended to do healthy things.

3. When families eat dinner together, children consume more nutrients.

Here’s how the Dairy Council of California summarized the body of research on this:

 

A large body of research also supports the link between family meals and nutrition. A Harvard University study published in the Archives of Family Medicine found that families who ate together almost every day generally consumed more important nutrients like calcium, fiber, iron, vitamins B6 and B12, C and E, and less overall fat than families who rarely ate together. During adolescence, family meals also contribute to higher daily intakes of fruit, vegetables, calcium and other important nutrients, and lower intakes of soft drinks. A research review published in the scientific journal of the American Academy of Pediatrics, found that children and adolescents who eat three or more meals with their families per week are 24 percent more likely to eat healthy foods and 12 percent less likely to be overweight than peers who do not eat with their families as often.

Eating Dinner as a Family is Good for Kids’ Brains
4. Children from families who eat meals together get better grades than their peers who don’t have lots of family meal times.

Older children also reap intellectual benefits from family dinners. For school-age youngsters, regular mealtime is an even more powerful predictor of high achievement scores than time spent in school, doing homework, playing sports or doing art.

Other researchers reported a consistent association between family dinner frequency and teen academic performance. Adolescents who ate family meals five to seven times a week were twice as likely to get A’s in school as those who ate dinner with their families fewer than two times a week.

Anne Fishel

The Washington Post

5. Better language skills in children is associated with family dinner times.

Basically, talking around the table to your parents is great practice!

Participation in dinner table conversations offers children opportunities to acquire vocabulary, practice producing and understanding stories and explanations, acquire general knowledge, and learn how to talk in culturally appropriate ways.

New Directions in Child and Adolescent Development

Researchers counted the number of rare words (words not found on a list of 3000 common English words) that were used in dinner table conversations. It turns out that kids will hear, on average, 1000 rare words at dinner, and only 143 in storybooks. Dinner matters!

It’s Good For Emotional Health
6. Children of families who eat together report feeling happier and are more optimistic about the future

A Lou Harris/Reader’s Digest poll found that kids who ate with their parents were happier. My guess is that this is because parents’ love and approval of the kids starts to counteract the negative messages kids can get from peers or social media, and helps them feel more grounded.

7. Teenagers are less likely to use drugs, smoke, and drink alcoholic drinks, when their families eat together regularly.

I’ve read several studies on this over the years (here’s a roundup of some of them), and my husband frequently talks about this in his pediatric practice to parents with behavioural problems in their children. Eating dinner together means that you talk. Parents know what’s going on in kids’ lives. Kids know we care. So they’re less likely to give in to peer pressure!

Eating dinner as a family is one of the most important things you can do to raise happy, healthy and well-adjusted kids! 

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8. The more often teen girls had meals with their families, the less likely they were to have symptoms of depression and suicidal behaviors.

It’s not only that kids are involved in fewer risk-taking behaviours; they’re also less likely to suffer from mental health problems. This effect seems to be especially strong in girls (or perhaps they’ve just studied it more in girls), but that’s likely because of social media’s especially destructive influence on girls. Counteract that with family time, and kids do better!

Eating Dinner as a Family is Good For Family Bonding
9. Kids who ate dinner at the table with their parents exhibited better behaviour.

Eating dinner the traditional way–at a table in the kitchen or dining room, with no screens on, and with people talking to each other–is associated with the best outcomes. So turn off those screens!

What if I told you that not all teenagers rebel?

And what if I told you that a lot of typical parenting advice makes rebellion more likely?

I interviewed 25 young adults, trying to figure out what made them rebel or not.

Here's what I found!



















10. Eating together gives family members the chance to communicate and build relationships, something that both adults and children appreciate very much.

We’re all busy – even our kids are busy these days with all their sports and activities! But don’t ever let yourselves become too busy that you can’t eat together as a family on a regular basis. This really does matter!

3 Things to Help with Making Family Dinner Fun!
Talk to your kids, not your spouse

Kids act up, whine, fall out of chairs, and fight with their siblings primarily when they’re bored. So engage with them! Do what my cousin Danielle does at dinnertime. The family goes around the table and everyone says one time they were brave today, one time they were kind today, and one mis-step they made. Then they praise each other and affirm each other for the good stuff, and console each other over the mis-steps and help them not to do it again. This also ensures that everyone in the family gets listened to!

Have a ritual at the table of something you do together

Maybe it’s memorizing a Bible verse a week (you can use my 50 Bible Verse post for that!). We also used the amazing BrainQuest trivia cards, and we had a Canadian trivia game and we’d play a few rounds every night after dinner. Even guests had to play (and they actually thought it was kind of cool, though my nephew Matthew answered “Charlottetown” no matter what the question was. Sometimes he was even right!).

Get your kids involved in meal prep and meal planning

I love the Eat2Explore subscription box for this! It’s a monthly subscription box that turns eating into an adventure. You choose a cuisine, a country, or a continent. Then every month you get a box sent to you with three recipe cards, spice and gravy mixes, plus a shopping list for fresh ingredients.

But then here’s the fun part: You also get country explorer brochures for your kids, including passports where they can collect country pins. Educational activity sheets with word puzzles, math problems, and quizzes add to the fun. Then you get stickers and more to go in kids’ passports, and fun cooking tools like measuring cups!

If your kids are picky eaters, it’s a great way to make trying new things fun! Plus they can be involved in the meal prep, too, or they can do the activity sheets in the kitchen with you while you cook.

Check out Eat2Explore, and make dinner a few times a month an awesome educational time, but also super fun!

Check it out here!

I miss my family meal times now that the kids are all grown and gone.

But honestly, it was one of the best things we did. And my girls make a point to eat at the table for dinner now with their husbands, too!

It’s still January. It’s still the new year. Maybe it’s time to figure out how to make family meal times more of a priority–even if it means getting other things off of your schedule this year.

Do you tend to eat dinner together? What gets in your way? Let’s talk in the comments!

Like this post so far? You should also check out:

5 Weird Reasons I Didn’t Rebel as a Teenager

What Rules are Appropriate for Teenagers?

Is It Important to Be on the Same Page with Parenting?

6 Signs You’re Being a Legalistic Parent

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Books


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Freebie






Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.


Find Sheila Here:

Facebook
Twitter
Instagram
YouTube
Pinterest



Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:

10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?



Check out some of Sheila's Books:

The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum



Check out Sheila's Courses:

The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course



Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!

COMMUNITY SERIES: 10 Ways to Break Into A New Church and Find Friends

How do you make friends at a new church?

We’ve been talking about building community here on the blog in March, and one of the big questions that came out last week in our initial post on church community was how to break into a church that seems cliquey. So today I thought I’d tackle that!

First, though, I want to deal with two misconceptions:

Misconception #1: If a church is hard to break into, it must be an unhealthy church. 

Let’s think about this one. If a church were functioning as a real community, then what would you expect would be happening? People would flock to church on Sunday mornings hoping to catch up with the important people in their lives. They’ll have to check with Cheryl to return the borrowed maternity clothes; check with Rick about next week’s praise team practice; check in with Sandy to ask how her mom’s surgery went; check in with Lisa just to chat; check in with Doug to see if he still needs help organizing a volunteer team to go the hospice; check in with Janice to see if her daughter can baby-sit this weekend…etc. etc.

Maybe they’re not judgmental and toxic, maybe they are just all busy people, and this is their only chance to see their friends, so they’re all excited to talk and they have a million things to organize.

Rebecca’s church has sometimes been accused of being cliquey, but Rebecca’s take is a little bit different. She says:

Churches need to be welcoming to newcomers and be willing to open up friend groups. But sometimes when it’s not, it’s because the congregants are at church because they are, frankly, at the end of their rope emotionally and they just need their people.

I am a really extroverted person, and I make a concerted effort to talk to newcomers most weeks (it’s harder now that I’m upstairs in nursery with the baby!). But even I get tired sometimes. And church is the only place I get to see a lot of the really, really important people in my life and in Alex’s life. It’s the place I can talk to friends and just have someone “get it.” And on those weeks no, I don’t talk to newcomers. Because I’m running on empty and I just need my people. That’s not a sign of toxicity; it’s just a sign that we are all broken people searching for rest.

Our church is a place that historically people who have been hurt by other churches flock to. As a result, we end up with a lot of really close-knit families within our larger church family. And as a result of that, we can be rather cliquey at times (we are aware of it!). But you know what? That is not a sign of toxicity. In fact, in our case it’s a sign of the close bonds we have formed with each other–we really are like family. And unfortunately that does mean it takes a little more time and effort to break into some of the groups, yes. But it also means that once you are in, you’re in! And you’re then involved with a group that truly cares, actually checks up, and does message you if you’ve missed church a few weeks in a row because we genuinely care about each other. 

And also, even in “cliquey” churches people do break in (and frankly, if someone makes a real effort it usually doesn’t take very long). Connor and I are two of those people. When I first went to my now-church I actually left for a while originally because I didn’t feel like I was breaking in well–but then I gave it some more time and I am so incredibly grateful that I did. And it’s because I went many times, threw myself into serving, and honestly made an effort to get to know people as individuals that I was able to break in (and then later Connor joined when we started dating!). I’m not saying that cliques are a good thing–I’m just saying that if a church feels hard to break into it may not be a good idea to write it off as “toxic” without actually giving it a solid try.

Misconception #2: The healthiest churches have great welcoming committees

I am not saying that churches with great welcome committees or newcomer’s committees are bad. Some are awesome! But toxic churches that are very fundamentalist tend to have great welcoming committees, in order to get people in to small groups immediately and get them to commit to the church immediately.

Often we judge a church by the quality of its welcoming committee or newcomer’s committee, but that’s not very wise. Dig deeper before you give up on a church, but also before you invest too much into it (and be aware of the signs of legalistic, toxic churches, too).

If you decide a church is healthy, here are 10 tips to break in and find friends:

I asked on Facebook last week for some tips on how to break into churches, and I got some great ones to share today!

1. Process your hurt from previous churches

When you’ve been burned by another church, it can be hard to reach out. One woman confessed:

I stay on the periphery because I’m petrified this one is going to be like all the rest. And I really like this church.

If you’re finding that hurt from previous churches is making you scared you’ll be burned again, then read some books or listen to some podcasts of those who have gotten out of toxic churches. Make sure that you recognize that your old church was toxic–but the true body of Christ is not. Learn how to recognize the difference, and then trust. Beth Moore had a great thread on that last week:

Cynicism can come from having arrived (usually quite painfully) at a false belief that *nothing’s* real. That you believed *them* & they’re *all* liars. That what you thought was genuine was a cover for sin. Your heart’s broken so you harden it. I’m still in recovery. Still...— Beth Moore (@BethMooreLPM) March 4, 2020

So don’t give up!

2. Introduce yourself after the church service–even if you have to introduce yourself to a lot of people.

Monica tries the direct approach:

“Hi can I join you guys, I’m new here!”

Eventually you’ll find the right person!

Keep showing up, not just on Sundays. Introduce yourself. You eventually find me in the crowd, we become friends, I introduce you to the whole gang. Wham bam! 

Rebeccah

Yep. Find that person who looks like they’re in the center of everything, and get to know them:

And make friends with someone who likes introducing you to other people, and/or likes to organize events and invite people to them. 

Lyndall

Even ask the pastor!

Reach out to the pastor. We did when we moved and started going to a new church. He hooked us up with people that lived close to us and were in a similar boat as us and we’ve become great friends! 

Jessica

3. Watch out for people after church who look lost like you do

On the other hand, don’t ignore the lost ones. I love this from Heather! She writes:

Look for someone who:
1. Looks shy
2. Is standing on the outer
3. Is struggling with something
4. Is sitting or standing alone
5. Seems to be feeling awkward
6. Looks lost
7. Is elderly
8. Looks like they’ve never been inside a church before
9. Needs help carrying something
Sometimes conversations will develop, sometimes they wont, sometimes invitations or opportunities will arise and sometimes someone else just feels included even though you might be newer than they are. We make a mistake if we think we’re the only struggling person in the building

Heather

4. Join a small group your church offers

When we moved to Belleville back in 1998, I immediately started looking for a church that had a women’s Bible study in the morning, during the week, with baby-sitting. I found two, tried them both, and within two months we were regularly attending a church that I really enjoyed at the time. You need that chance to connect in smaller groups where real conversations can happen.

Find a small group to join if they have one. (ladies group?) Put yourself out there. I have moved a lot and have had the experience of being new many times. If you just wait for someone to come to you, you may be disappointed. Sometimes that does happen, and if so then that is great! But you can’t rely on this because then you’ll feel like people don’t like you if no one starts the conversation. Put yourself in situations where you are forced to talk to others, even if it feels very uncomfortable.

Lydia

My husband and I attend a large church in the Houston area. We attended for about 5 years and never made contact with anyone really. We decided to join a Sunday school class in our age group. We do monthly group activities and volunteer as a group as well. This is our church family. My husband and I are very much introverts so we both still have to make an effort to involve ourselves in the small talk before each class. I hate small talk lol. But we have both found some sweet friends in the process.

Erin

 I attended a church irregularly for almost two years and always felt kind of on the edge. I go alone, so I don’t stay after and chat with anybody and I only had a few acquaintances. Last year I decided to push myself to go regularly. I realized that all the people there were friendly, welcoming, encouraging, but my habitual behavior was to pull away and hurry home to my family. I pushed myself outside of my comfort zone to attend a couple ladies’ events. And in the fall I joined a small group. Best decision ever. I finally get the enriching and supportive community is the church as I opened up and shared honestly about myself.

I always said I loved my church and that it felt like home to be there, but actually attending a small group was like coming home.

Deanna

5. Show up at all church events, even if they’re not your cup of tea.

The more you show up, the more you’ll meet people!

And if someone does invite you to a thing, even if it’s not a things you’re super interested in, if your schedule allows it, go! Try it out. Even if it doesn’t work out, other people in the church will likely say, “Oh hey I saw you at the thing last week” and you have a conversation opener. Go to stuff you might not even be a “good fit” for, if the door is open. I go to a Mom’s group even though I have no kids, and it’s an absolutely lovely community. 

Lyndall

I started to just say yes to stuff. Joined an Adult Sunday class, attended wed night bible studies, and when invited to women’s events and small group activities, just say yes. Eventually, I became a part of the greater group.

Emily

6. Volunteer around the church and you’ll get a chance to talk with other volunteers

Don’t approach church selfishly. The people at the church are probably like you–with the same kinds of stress and issues. And church is their safe place. Though everyone should be on the look out for newcomers, sometimes people are tired and busy and they’re there to rejuvenate as well. Besides that, you really can’t make friends or deep connections just from small talk after church. If you want to break in, you’ve got to find ways to connect outside of Sunday service.

Volunteer at the church. Nothing breaks the ice like helping out even if you’re an introvert. I was to shy too just start talking to people because I didn’t know what to talk about with volunteering there is the common subject of whatever you’re working on. 

Korinne

For us we attended for 2 or 3 years not feeling like we fit. We both joined teams serving and now are very well connected in the community. Not just meeting folks on the team but the people we serve. It was really the turning point for us.

Hilary

My experience was offering to volunteer on committees or with events in church went a long way. Working closely with others meant getting to know each other and then friendship followed.

Gail

The best “small groups” I’ve ever been a part of weren’t even small groups. They were service teams. One was the praise team I led for several years. We knew each other so well, met frequently, and prayed together. We were quite different and didn’t hang out in the same friend groups, but we really knew each other.

The other was the Bible quiz team I volunteered at and later led. That’s where I met Tammy (who works for me) and Rochelle (whose wedding I MC’ed last weekend). That’s how my kids and I broke into a new church. And those volunteers are still some of our best friends. My husband still meets with Doug periodically to pray and challenge each other, even six years later.

Building community at church isn’t easy. But if it were, maybe it wouldn’t be real community?

(Click here to tweet this quote)

7. Invite people to your place

If you just don’t get invited places, try inviting others! I would sometimes put pulled pork in the slow cooker early on Sunday morning, and have buns and a salad on hand before I left for church. Then I would just keep inviting people over for lunch until someone said yes. Pulled pork, buns, and salad is really easy and then it’s ready when you get back home!

I often find inviting people over for a board game night works well, too, especially for groups of people. Many people love board games, and it’s an easy, low-stress way to have fun and get to know people without awkwardly sitting around wondering what to talk about.

As a mom of small children, I keep it low key, I’ve invited families for popcorn and hot chocolate! As long as I’m upfront that a full meal won’t be included, I don’t stress about food and it makes hosting sooooo much easier. 

Suzanne

8. Don’t give up until you have a “date”

I absolutely love this from Kirsten:

When I felt the most isolated, I made myself list 10 women who might say “yes” to going for coffee with me. Then every Monday I would force myself to call 3 of them and make a coffee date – often a month in advance (life, you know) but unless they really put me off, I would attempt to find some day that would work. With some women, it’s still a once-every-six-months event, but others it has become a regular thing. I don’t reach out well for help, so making sure I have scheduled friend-time is huge for me, and by now I almost always have 1 or 2 coffee dates scheduled weekly and if I don’t, then I know it’s time to start making those Monday calls again.

Kristen

Last year I was doing the same thing with once-a-week lunches (which reminds me–I should do that again!).

9. Remember that it can take several months to feel like you belong–and that’s not necessarily a bad thing

If you want real relationships, with authenticity and vulnerability and give and take, that doesn’t happen overnight. You want trust to build up naturally. If it builds up too quickly, it may actually be a false intimacy where everyone wants to appear happy on the outside, and that’s not healthy, either.

Sarah even says it can take longer:

Also, know that this takes time! You really have to give it a few years before you’re going to feel like you belong, even among a group of welcoming people. Don’t give up or get discouraged.

Sarah

And it’s worth the effort! Community isn’t just about what you can get; it’s also about what you can give.

That’s what Holli says, too:

Be the change you want to see in the world….for me that means start inviting others to our home or to coffee, etc. Show up early and stay late. So many times I have made it about me. It’s not about me it’s about the gospel and that doesn’t change when I change where I worship. We read in the Bible that Jesus went, not Jesus waited for others to approach. Expect to be let down and hurt but realize the love and gifts God created you with and for are meant to be poured out as a drink offering. Being an offering to others brings peace and encouragement and hope to the new church family you belong to. We were bought with a price. I want to happily give back and I find it easiest to do that in a church setting! We will be known by how we love each other.

Holli

10. Shake the dust off your feet and move on to another church

What if you’ve done all of this, and it hasn’t worked?

I just left a church like this. I was there for 2 years, invited people over, initiated play dates and moms nights. I called, texted and talked to everyone. I even hosted small group for a semester. Sadly, nothing ever changed and when I got really depressed over Christmas I had to be honest about what I was doing at a church that wouldn’t reach out to a single mom who was struggling over the holidays. 

Alyssa

Sometimes, despite our best efforts, people really don’t want to invest in each other. In that case, it may be time to find a different church where people are interested in community.

Building community at church isn’t easy. But if it were, maybe it wouldn’t be real community?

I’ll let Bethany, a military wife, have the last word because she sums it all up so well:

You can’t just expect people to reach out, sometimes you have to make the first move. We invite people over for dinner if it looks like we’re clicking, we write down new names we learn each week to hopefully remember them the next Sunday, and try to remember little facts about people. We also get involved. We serve, we join a small group that is child friendly as we have kids, we bring meals to families who are sick or have new babies or feeling overwhelmed. Intentionality. We know we NEED that fellowship and friendship and we work to get it. I also pray. Everytime we move I ask the Lord to send me 3 friends – one friend who is older than me and can guide & mentor me, one close dear friend who I can connect with and share things with, and one friend who is younger than me who I can teach and mentor. (Sometimes there end up being more than this, but I pray for 3) As I keep my eyes open for who those people might be if I see someone I feel like I’m being led towards I ask them for coffee or a playdate to get to know them better.

Bethany

I love that, especially her rule of 3. If we all did that–imagine how much better our community could be!

Which ONE of these tips should you be using this week if you want to build more community? Find one that resonates the most with you, and do it! And tell us in the comments!

Like this post so far? You should also check out:

Visioning as a Couple: Free Worksheet to Dream Together

Why You Can’t Afford to Live Separate Lives

What Are Your Big-Picture Marriage Goals?

Is He Your Type? MBTI, Personality Tests, and Marriage!

Author


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Books


Courses


Freebie






Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.


Find Sheila Here:

Facebook
Twitter
Instagram
YouTube
Pinterest



Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:

10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?



Check out some of Sheila's Books:

The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum



Check out Sheila's Courses:

The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course



Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!

What to Do When You’re Attracted to Someone Other Than Your Spouse

What if you dream about someone other than your spouse?

On Fridays I like to highlight some comments that came in over the week and carry on the discussion, because what I’ve found over the last little while is that sometimes the best material ends up in the comments section, and then not everybody sees it!

So today I wanted to pick up from a discussion that started yesterday on the podcast. On this week’s episode, I answered 7 reader questions, and two in particular caught on in the comments. One was about persistent UTIs after sex (some great advice in the comments–take ONE antibiotic after sex, and talk to your doctor about this dose; or make sure you’re not allergic to the soap your husband uses); but many jumped on the question from a woman saying she’s attracted to a married man at her church, and she keeps dreaming about him.

So I wanted to highlight some of those comments. But first I’d like to share a story.

When I was on holiday last month, I woke up one morning in a cold sweat, completely despondent. I had dreamt that Keith had left me. In the dream, I asked him why, and he looked at me with disdain and said, “Sheila, you know.”

But I didn’t. So I ran after him, sure it was a joke. “Come on, this is us,” I said. “Talk to me. We always talk!”

But he said nothing and walked away.

So then, in my dream, I called my daughters, and wanted to know if they knew what was going on. And they said, “Seriously, mom, it’s obvious.” And then they wouldn’t talk to me, either.

It took a good two days to get over that dream. I told Keith, and he was laughing at first, but then he just hugged me because he saw I was really upset.

I know dreams don’t have to have any reflection in reality, but the emotions were real. But Keith and I hadn’t had a fight. There was nothing wrong. It was just a silly dream. But it felt terrible.

Sometimes I wake up after having a romantic dream about some guy, and I’ll be like, “Ewww…. Keith, kiss me quick because I just had a ridiculous dream I need to get out of my head.”

You really aren’t responsible for your dreams–EXCEPT we are more likely to dream about things that we have thought about recently.

But sometimes random things just creep into our dreams, and it has nothing to do with anything.

So let’s look at what some of our readers said. They all had very similar perspectives, which was that we need to not freak out if we’re attracted to someone else, and we need to put it in its proper perspective. Doug summed up my feelings pretty well with this:

I think the first thing everyone should remember, is that being attracted to someone is not an emotional affair. An emotional affair is when one or both parties share an intimate part of themselves with the other. Even that by itself, however, does not define an emotional affair. That could describe nothing more than a good, healthy friendship, tho if it is with a member of the opposite sex, it probably gets very close to crossing some lines. I have two such opposite sex friends that I correspond with regularly, and there is no blurring or crossing of the lines. I don’t want to say that they are necessary to me, or to them, but they are beneficial to me in the sense that our friendships are built around our marriages, and supporting each other in our individual marriages. I can honestly say that I have never had a romantic or sexual thought towards either one of them, and I can also say that because of the nature of our friendships, The reverse is also true. They are family, and in a very real sense, they are the sisters I never had.

During some of the worst seasons of my marriage, I did have an affair, and it started out as an emotional affair. I know only too well what that is, and where it is borne. The first danger sign is to want something other than what you already have, and the best way to combat that is to seek contentment where you are, and to go to outright war with discontent, whether that means adjusting expectations, or tackling obstacles in your marriage head on. I have done a great deal of, and I credit a lot of that to the two friends I mentioned. Their wisdom and insight has been a huge part of that.

I do feel bad for the Pastors wife who is struggling, but I would counsel her that being attracted to someone or something is not a sin, and it is certainly not an affair. I would counsel her tho, that entertaining thoughts of that attraction and fantasizing about the man starts running headlong into what Jesus taught in Matthew 5:28.

Doug

I agree–having a crush is not an emotional affair. And I like his definition–wanting something other than what you already have. Emmy suggested thinking of the other guy like your brother. You can think your brother is good looking, and a great catch, but you certainly don’t want him for YOU. She explains:

Would it help you to think about this other man as your very own brother? If he is a Christian, he actually is your brother. And if he is not, he might become one.

This did help me a lot when I was in a somewhat similar situation. It has helped me ever since. I’m not afraid any more to realize if a guy is a nice person or good looking or attractive. My brother is a very cool person and nice to look at and very attractive too, and I very much like being around him. I certainly can say love him, only not “that way” but in a totally different way. I trust that all who have siblings that are dear to them understand what I mean. A brother or a sister is a very special person and you may feel connected to them like to no one else. Still you would not call it a “crush”.

Also, liking someone does not mean you need to “have” him! Just like when you see a beautiful house or a beautiful horse or a very nice car or a lovely garden and you realize it is lovely, that does not mean you are “lusting” to have it. Really, about 50 percent of the people on Earth are of the opposite sex, and many of them are attractive. They are beautiful people God has made. One of them is made especially for you. The others are for someone else. That does not mean it is wrong to appreciate them in their own right and realize they are attractive. You can love them as much as you like as long as you love them as your brother, or your sister.

Emmy

Blessed Wife chimed in with this:

I think a first step, (which she’s probably already taken) is to increase engagement with her own husband and family, focusing especially on the positives. In other words, look in the direction you want to grow and go.

I might mention to my husband that I felt “distancing” and wanted to pull closer to him, but I don’t think I would go further than that. At least, it would be, for me, an absolute last resort. I can see a whole lot of potential problems with telling a husband who is also pastor of a church any version of, “Honey, I really love you and want us to stay married, but I’ve had a huge attraction for Steve for the last five years.”

Step 2 would be, engage with “Steve” only (ONLY) in the context of his family. It surrounds both of you with natural safeguards and chaperons. Also, it frames Steve as a real person in the context of his real life, not a hot fantasy you can take in isolation and obsess over. It will show him as either a happily married man devoted to his own family (if he’s an innocent man unaware of your feelings), or a liar and two-faced manipulator that you really don’t want to be with (if he’s flirting with you and trying to encourage you to stray).

If you have prayerfully been doing the above for 5 years and nothing has changed, that is one heck of a thorn in the flesh! So I encourage you to remember that God’s grace is sufficient for you! He loves you, and is glorified every time you choose right over wrong, faithfulness over unfaithfulness, His Word over what your heart (deceitful above all things!) tells you it wants. Look to God, then to your husband and how they delight you, and I truly believe you will lose sight of the deferred hopes, guilt and shame of “Steve”. I will pray for you!

Blessed Wife

And one man confirms what many of us were thinking–if it’s not necessary, he’d rather not know if his wife was attracted to someone else:  

I also would die if I knew my wife has a crush. My anxiety would take over and it would spiral. So I honestly don’t want to know if my wife has a crush. I prefer that she shows me love and deal with it. I mean of course if boundaries are being crossed. And I think that’s important with this question. To not cross boundaries. Not talk to much. Never be alone and never talk about intimate stuff. I am thankful for my coworker because she keeps everything professional. I don’t think I have ever had a conversation that is not work related with her. And that’s good. And that’s how I want to keep it. So as long as my wife doesn’t cross lines, know that it’s wrong and actively tries to stop it and continues to show me love, then I don’t want to know. It would crush me.

Feeling Lost

I want to add one more thought that I alluded to in the comments, but that I shared in greater detail in my big post from last year on how to prevent an emotional affair:

From How to Prevent an Emotional Affair
Just because you are attracted to someone else DOES NOT mean that there is something wrong with your marriage.

Did you hear that? Let that sink in. I think we sometimes believe that attraction can only happen if we are unhappy, or lacking something. But you are not DEAD. You are simply married. And sometimes we meet someone who pushes all the right buttons….

As soon as we’re tempted, and feel attracted to someone else, we often start to look at our marriage and figure there’s something horribly wrong. There’s some unmet need, and my subconscious is trying to point it out to me.

That could be true, but from the women I’ve spoken with I’d say that’s not necessarily true at all. Your marriage very well could be fine. It may not be, of course; but being tempted does not mean that something IS wrong with your marriage.

When we are attracted to someone else, the worst thing we can do is to then assume that we are unhappy with our marriage. That makes us start to doubt our marriage even more, or even look for things that are wrong with our marriage that explain why we’re feeling that attraction. “I must find my husband lacking if I’m attracted to this guy.” No, that’s not true. You just may very well fit with that other guy as well.

I am not one of those “there is only one person out there in the world meant for you” kind of person. I believe that God lets us choose our spouse, and that it is then up to us to become the best spouse we can be. Perhaps it’s because my grandfather was married three times to three wonderful but very different women (they all kept dying of cancer on him). Were those last two marriages substandard because the first was the love of his life? No, I don’t think so. He was happy in all three marriages, because he decided to love those women and be the best husband he could for each of them.

So the fact that you are attracted to someone else may simply be because there are many different people you could have potentially worked with.

Now, perhaps there is something wrong with your marriage. Hopefully this, then, will be the nudge to start addressing that problem by going to a counselor, talking to your husband about it, or doing something to change the dynamic. But it does not necessarily mean something is wrong, and assuming your marriage is on the skids is the worst thing you could do at a time like this.

So when you think of him, turn it into a prayer of blessing on his marriage or a prayer of thanksgiving for your husband. Try not to be alone with him. And do tons of fun things with your husband! I hope that helps.

Any more thoughts about dealing with being attracted to someone else? Let’s talk in the comments!

PODCAST: Reader Question Palooza!

UTIs, the Role of a Daughter, Crushes on a Married Man, and More!

I’m so far behind on reader questions that I decided this week to just answer a whole ton of them!

Connor, who edits my podcasts, had a midterm last night, and didn’t have a ton of time to edit this week. And editing when two of us are having a conversation is always trickier, so we decided to just have me on burning through a lot of questions. It’s kind of a fun one that goes all over the place, so I think you’ll enjoy it.

So listen in!

 

Listen to the Podcast Here

Browse all the Different Podcasts

Listen to the Last “Start Your Engines” (Men’s) Podcast

A list of all of the questions!

I’m not going to try to give you all of my answers to these questions or explain much today, because there are just too many! So you’ll have to listen in. But here were the questions I tackled:

 

My husband left me and our children a while ago. I got a legal separation from him. He has not done anything to try for divorce and he will talk to us once in a while. When he does see us he ends up trying to have sex with me. My problem is that I love my husband and still want him and I love sex. I am having such a hard time being without sex for so long! Would it be terribly wrong of me to have sex with the husband I love and want to return?
Is it okay to have sex with the man I'm separated from?

My husband and I have been married for over a decade, with several children. Recently, after a lot of obvious turmoil, he came out of the closet! He told me he’d been in the closet since childhood and that he’s realized he needs to be true to himself and that he needed to embrace his homosexuality. He wants a divorce & I agree.

However, I’m still relatively young! I know divorce is wrong unless the spouse is a cheater or an abuser or abandons the spouse and family, none of which are applicable to my marriage. He has never cheated on me and is not leaving me for another man. He’s been my best friend for years and I love him dearly.

Biblically, would I be sinning if I remarried? I don’t want to be an adulterer in God’s eyes by sinning and remarrying when my first husband is still alive and we didn’t divorce for any of the valid reasons given in the Bible. But I also don’t want to be single for the next possibly 40-50 years!
Can I remarry if my husband leaves me because he's gay?

For this one, I would also point you to these posts:

Can You Divorce for Abuse?
Why I’m Anti-Divorce but Pro Remarriage

I have had chronic UTI’s throughout my entire marriage, and by chronic I mean sometimes 1-2 a month. All of them happen after sex. These UTI’s have made me equate sex with pain, along with long bouts of antibiotics that wreak havoc on my body. Unsurprisingly, this has caused me to develop mild vaginismus, and a pretty strong aversion to
sex. 

Despite doing all of the “right” things (pee before and after sex, cranberry juice, etc), I can never guarantee that I won’t get one from sex. I feel so hopeless and trapped, and I don’t know how I will ever overcome this.

Help! I get UTIs from sex and now I'm developing vaginismus

I do want to say one quick answer to this one: Please keep talking to doctors about this until you get an answer. It isn’t normal. Maybe even cut out most foods and then slowly introduce things, in case you’re triggering something. But also, check to see if it’s actually ONE UTI that has never been fully cured and keeps flaring up. But please–don’t put up with this. When you have something physically wrong and you don’t have an answer and it isn’t normal, beat down the paths to every doctor in your area until you get a solution, or at least an explanation of why it happens to you.

I was speaking with some friends of mine last month and the topic came up about the way things look downstairs after having children. Now, I don’t usually look at things down there, but when there seems to be an issue I pull out the mirror to check things out from time to time. The labia minora is all stretched out and it’s super dark down there. My friend and I were talking about how this can be very uncomfortable during sex, moving things about when things do go the right way. As if we as woman don’t have enough issues down there! Why wasn’t this in a what to expect book or something when I was having kids! For instance, my mother recently told me she had to get estrogen cream for down there due to tearing from thin skin, which happens sometimes when you get older. Ugh. Why didn’t I know about stuff like this? 

Changes to your vagina as you age?

I’m married and have always had so many dreams to travel and before my husband and I were ever married I expressed that to him. He has always been supportive and knows it’s a priority for me and not for himself
so he has no problem if I go on trips without him. We always discuss how long the trips will be and the budget and so on. He and I have no issues with it but I have a married friend ( who is also a Christian) who seems to always make passive aggressive comments about how me and my husband should be spending more time together. Again my husband and I have never had issues about this and communicate very openly with each other.

My question is more so out of curiosity.. is it normal for married couples to travel apart? Is there a point when it becomes an issue or when you think it isn’t okay or is unhealthy?

Is it weird for couples to travel apart?

I was wondering if at some point you could do a post or a podcast on covering theology? It started with the shepherding movement in the 1970s, and it was eventually renounced by those who started it as a flawed message, but
it still impacts the church. My dad believed heavily in this theology, and because of it I was brought up believing that because he was my spiritual covering, the authority over me ordained by God, I had to submit my will to him in everything. His will was God’s will in my life. Even after I had left home and was supporting myself. Only marriage would release me to the covering of another man. And only to a man that my dad approved of and in his a proper time.

It was very hard to break away from this, and because I did, my parents hardly speak to me now. They see me as a wayward child, a prodigal and what I’ve done as utterly scandalous, a rebellious act against God. (I decided to marry the man I loved against their wishes). But I still love Jesus with all of my heart, and so does my husband, we’ve both just been so hurt and confused by this doctrine, as we spent two years trying to gain my parent’s approval together by submitting to it.

I was curious, with your experience and knowledge, what you would say about this doctrine as a whole? The primary book that houses the theology is called “Under Cover” by John Bevere. It mainly focuses on church mentor-mentee relationships, but it manifests in families as well (as mine is an example, and I have met several couples who went through the same thing that my husband and I did). I know you have spoken extensively about the dangers of wives submitting to their husbands in this authoritarian sense, but what about when it extends to daughters under their fathers? In my home, I was expected to submit to my dad in exactly the same manner that my mom was as his wife, and the passages of scripture about wives submitting to their husbands were also applied to me (regarding my dad). What is really, truly, the biblical role of a daughter? (I think I know, but it is so hard to make sense of my experiences, to be confident that I know what the truth is when the people who have meant the most to me tell me continuously that I am believing lies and going astray). My brothers did not have the same expectation over their heads (as Christ is the covering of man, but man the covering of woman), and I am the only daughter in my family, very alone in my experiences.

What is the biblical role of a daughter?

This question breaks my heart, and I got pretty passionate answering it–kind of like I did in this post on how your husband does not have to get you ready for Jesus. You may also enjoy these:

Another Way to Look at It:

What Does It Mean to Obey Like Sarah?

Women: Follow Jesus First!

I feel so ashamed to even ask, but I’ve struggling with attraction to a married man in our church. I’m a pastor’s wife, happily married with a bunch of kids. Yet for whatever reason I’m attracted to this other man. I even have sexual dreams and just can’t make it go away. It’s been 5 years. The shame and struggle is real and it’s causing me all kinds of issues.

I haven’t said anything to anybody until this moment. I’d love some suggestions on how to deal with this. I won’t lie, if you tell me Step One is to share this with my husband… well that might be a tough sell at this point! He is wonderful and I just want this to go away. I want to be faithful even in my thoughts so any insight would be so appreciated. I’m so weary of this.

Help! I'm a pastor's wife attracted to a married man

An important question, and I actually wish I had answered this at more length, but I was worried the podcast was getting long. I answered this at more length in this post: How do I prevent an emotional affair?

Okay, that’s it for this week! 

I’d love to know what you think about any of these questions. And if there’s a big discussion about one of them, I may turn that into a post for tomorrow!

How We Had to Fight to Overcome Personality Differences

We’re all different. But do we understand the emotional toll of not dealing with personality differences in marriage?

Adrienne Koziol, from The Zoo I Call Home, a wife, a writer, and a homeschool mom to 9 kids sent me this article, which I thought was great, and which I’m proud to share with you today!

Here’s Adrienne:

 

It was years ago when I first took a Meyers Briggs personality test. After multiple retakes and researching my “type” (INTP) I was hooked. I had my husband (ESTJ), brothers, and older kids take it and compared results. It was all very accurate! We had fun digging into how each type handles situations, talked about the accuracy, and learned quite a bit about each other in the process. It gave us a lot to think about.

Our Personality Differences Begin to Clash

Fast forward five or so years. I felt myself closing up, withdrawing, mostly from my husband. I saw him being critical and harsh, getting worse over the years. To protect myself from what I saw as a barrage of negativity and hurt, I shut down all emotion (there isn’t much to begin with- I am far from emotional!). Accepting the unfair treatment and falling into my own world inside my mind, my days became robotic.
I spent large amounts of time researching, almost obsessed with “figuring it out” (what is the cause? What action should I take? Am I being too extreme?).

Opening Pandora’s Box on Our Issues

And then, one day, it all started to unravel. My husband, sensing my distance and bitterness, left work early and took me to a lake. There we sat in the car, openly talking about issues and taking an honest look at our future, and if we even wanted one.

The problem was, as open as we were being, it was not open enough. It was still barely scratching the surface, but we didn’t know it. We had no idea what kind of infectious crud lay below, itching to burst.

We both knew we wanted it to work, or at the very least, wanted to want it to work. The vows we had made before God were in the forefront of our minds, and trusted that His strength would carry us through. We both acknowledged the need to work on communication and understood why we were responding to each other the way we had been.

And we both inwardly wondered if the other really understood their role in the mess that had been created. Still, it felt like progress had been made.

Sin Rears Its Ugly Head

Remember that crud I mentioned? It turns out that a lot of it (I mean A LOT) was inside ME. Those emotions I was shoving down, ignoring, thinking I had under control, had been growing into a huge, ugly mass and was becoming more and more angry. It no longer wanted to be kept in the basement and was finding ways to seep out. Sin does that to a person. But I still didn’t see it.

Two instances over the period of a few weeks caused the infection to finally erupt. Multiple times we talked all night. At times it felt like our marriage could be on the verge of ending. Like really ending. The first time was monumental. Eye-opening. I saw in myself things I did not like. For the first time I was able to see how my actions and reactions over the past 22 years had played a big part in putting us in our current situation. Those INTP traits of being logical, analytical, unemotional, and independent can become very… dark when taken to an extreme.

Likewise, my husband became more aware of how I felt and why I shut down. He understood why I reacted the way I did and saw in greater depth his own actions and how I perceived them. He also had allowed parts of his personality to get extreme.

The Endless Cycle of How Our Differences Could Cause Conflict

It’s almost laughable now, how we brought out the worst in each other. It should have been obvious. Our personality types, when we are at our worst, cause the worst possible reaction in the other. It became a cycle.

Example: Husband is stressed from work and hopes to come home to a little bit of order, a little quiet, and warm greetings (we have 7 kids at home so the first two are relative). His type likes order and hates inefficiency. He is more attentive to details, and quality time is high on his love language list. A kiss and hello from his wife mean a lot to him.

Wife, however, is stressed because things are NOT orderly, or quiet. She’s trying to finish dinner and get everything else done. I’d say it’s “one of those days,” but really that’s almost every day. She is a big-picture person, so things like cleaning up get put off when something more important, like conversation or playing together, is happening. Her love language is serving, so her priority becomes the work Husband would like done because it’s how she shoes she loves him.

He walks in and sees a messy house with kids running around, looking as if there has been nothing but disorder and inefficiency ALL DAY. Instead of a kiss, his wife is at the stove barely aware he is home. Stress increases.

Wife senses this and recoils, on edge now, because she does not handle criticism well, especially when she feels it’s unwarranted. Things have not been crazy all day, and plenty of work had been done. She is not a naturally touchy person so a kiss doesn’t cross her mind. In her mind, she’s showing him love.

Now Husband is even more irritated because not only has everyone been noisy and lazy, but his wife is mad at him for who-knows-what when all he wants is her attention for a second to reconnect.

Now the whole night is nothing but irritation and bad attitudes, all because of a massive difference in how different personalities see things and respond. Assumptions based on an individual’s filter instead of taking the glasses off to see clearly. The inability to step outside of the situation to make a proper assessment and to cool things down.

Seeing Clearly on How to Bring Out the Best in Each Other

We see this now. We see more clearly than we ever have and (mostly) strive to bring out the best in each other. This happened not too long ago, a month to be exact, so not far enough to say we’re on the other side of it. It feels like a long time ago, though. After so much emotion, turmoil, and most of that crud coming out, we feel better. I feel better.

Proverbs 3:13a

Happy is the man who finds wisdom,
And the man who gains understanding

The pain of dealing with issues feels so much better than living in cold apathy. We’re finding that there is still infection inside, but each time it comes out we also know it’s that much closer to being gone. We know there is an end to it and now come together instead of pushing each other away.

The wounds are healing and we are learning to trust each other again. Personality type has nothing on the power of the Holy Spirit.

Constantly Working Towards a Happier Marriage is Worth The Effort

This has been hard work. Harder than I ever imagined, despite the traditional “marriage takes work” quotes. New habits have to be established and it takes constant reminders, prayer, faith, and a lot of intentional effort.
I have to stay open and share every thought and concern in order to fight my natural tendency to solve everything or withdraw.
For now, every time I get upset, mad, or stressed I have to stop what I’m doing and talk to, or text, my husband. If I don’t, I overthink it and the situation builds. Even seemingly little things! Things I know might be silly but are stressing me out. I share the good things, too. What makes me laugh, what I’ve learned, what I’m thinking about. Being more open with how I feel and offering encouragement and support. These are all things I have failed to do in the past.He has to watch his tone of voice and demeanor. Not assume the worst. Realize there is more to what he sees, more depth than just the surface story. Let go of control and expect mistakes.

Pressing Forward and Seeing Hope in the Future

Looking back, I wish we had noticed these things earlier. It feels like a lot of time was wasted, but we are so thankful that we can look forward to the future with hope.
It’s an ongoing battle, but this time we aren’t making each other the enemy.

Galatians 5:22-23

 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law.

Love much, forgive often, and trust that God can produce fruit in soil we think is dead.

Wife first, mom second, but actively filling the roles of teacher, counselor, nurse, chef, maid, chauffeur, accountant, sleep specialist, writer, and blogger. Twenty two years of marriage and eighteen years of homeschooling nine kids keeps me always learning, adapting, laughing, and on my toes. And I wouldn’t have it any other way!

Adrienne Koziol

The Zoological Home