Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 55

THE EMOTIONAL LABOR SERIES: Why the Daily Grind Needs to Be Shared

The “daily grind” tasks are the ones that often build the most resentment in a marriage.

We’re in the middle of our series about mental load in marriage and sharing the emotional labor. We talked first about what those terms mean, and then showed how the book Fair Play by Eve Rodsky (full disclosure: it’s not Christian and has questionable language) shows us a way through the haze so that we can find solutions. We looked at how to set standards for what needs to be done.

Then last week we talked about how we can eliminate nagging in marriage by “owning” different tasks so that people don’t need reminders.

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Today I want to talk about the types of tasks that often sap the most energy. When only one person does these tasks, even if the other does a ton of other work for the family, it can feel very unbalanced. Here’s Eve explaining the problem:

Research into the gendered division of labor shows that men more willingly take the domestic work that they can perform on their own time, while women pick up responsibilities that are difficult to put off or reschedule and inherently forfeit their right to choose when the tasks get done.

I call these immovable tasks the Daily Grinds and—big surprise—they disproportionately fall on women. On any given day, there are 30 of these time-sucking jobs that must be done regularly, repetitively, and many at a very specific time.

Eve Rodsky

Fair Play

What are the daily grind tasks?

Rodsky found about 30 of them, and they’re all things that need to be done at specific times–or at least daily or very regularly. Here are just a few:

Taking the garbage out
Doing the laundry
Making breakfast for the kids
Supervising homework
Organizing the bathtime/nighttime routine
Monitoring kids’ screen time
Providing middle-of-the-night comfort
Driving kids to play-dates
Opening the mail
Tidying up

Now, looking through her card system (which you can read all about in our post on the Fair Play system), you can likely eliminate half of them if you don’t have kids at home, but even so–daily grinds are numerous.

And they add up.

Daily grind tasks can’t be done at your own schedule; so they’re the most inconvenient

You can balance the budget whenever it works out for you. You can choose to cut the lawn on Friday night or on Sunday afternoon or, if it doesn’t get done, you can leave it until the following Wednesday and just endure the looks from the retired neighbors.

But homework needs to get done every night. Dishes need to be washed. Meals need to be cooked. Lunches need to be packed. Kids need to be bathed and dressed.

The person doing the daily grind tasks can’t take time off or time away in the same manner as the person who isn’t doing the daily grind tasks.

When one spouse is making dinner while watching the toddlers, and another spouse is watching TV or playing a video game, even if that spouse does a lot around the house, it can lead to a lot of resentment. If one spouse gets to sit down when they want and work when they want (with the exception of paid work, which obviously must be done on schedule), then one spouse can feel as if they don’t have free time in the same way, even if their schedules are balanced.

The freedom to do things on your own time is an incredible freedom that many take for granted, while the other spouse just dreams about the luxury.

Taking just a few daily grind tasks does free up your spouse to feel as if they can sit down on their own time, at least some of the time.

Rebecca’s husband Connor and Joanna’s husband Josiah (both my daughter Rebecca and Joanna co-authored our upcoming The Great Sex Rescue with me) are responsible for bath time for the babies. They couldn’t breast feed, obviously, but they started bathtime early, which is actually super fun as a dad, because it’s often in the bath when the babies start doing interesting things–splashing deliberately for the first time; smiling; showing personality. And it frees up mom every evening to have a bit of time to herself.

Stay-at-home parents still need help with daily grind tasks

Just because one person takes on most of the paid work duties and one spouse takes on most of the home duties does not mean that only one spouse should do all of the daily grind activities. Certainly working outside the home can be exhausting, and you definitely do need some down time. But being home 24×7 with children is also exhausting, and what both people need is time that they feel is truly their own.

If only one person does the daily grind tasks, then that person truly gets so little actual down time. Daily grinds must be done constantly, all the time. They can’t be left undone. If only one person does them, that person will feel exhausted all the time–not because their work is necessarily harder than the others or even in greater quantity than the other person’s work. It’s simply because when you can’t choose the time to do your work, then you never “own” your time. You’re never truly “off”. And that’s emotionally exhausting.

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And, as I’ve said in this whole series, it’s the #1 cause for women’s low libido.

When women feel exhausted and that there is too much on their plate, they can’t get rid of all of the things going on in their heads long enough to get in the mood for anything. I talked about this in module 4 of my Boost Your Libido course–you need to find ways to have some time to yourself. Guys, if you want your wife to be more in the mood, it isn’t so much about doing more housework. It’s about taking the mental load of some specific tasks completely off of her plate.

Are you TIRED of always being too tired for sex?

Do you yearn to actually WANT to make love–and figure out what all the fuss is about?

There is a way! And in this 10-module course I take you through what libido is (it may surprise you!), what affects libido, and how we can reclaim the excitement that God made us for.

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Both parents need to feel as if they can step in and care for the kids

Many of those daily grind tasks are all about childcare, and BOTH parents need to be involved in childcare. Childcare is not housework; childcare is relationship building. Kids need both parents, and they need both parents on a regular basis.

And stay-at-home parents need to feel as if they could leave their kids with the other parent for a day, for a weekend, or for a week if they ever had to.

They need to know that the other parent is capable of feeding the kids well, of doing the laundry, of supervising homework, of dressing them. When you feel as if you can’t count on your spouse to parent the kids, it’s actually quite demoralizing. It feels as if you’re not really a team. And if you feel as if your spouse isn’t capable of stepping in, then it’s easy to see your spouse as “less than”. It’s really hard to feel sexy towards someone who isn’t capable of looking after their own kids.

The person doing the daily grind tasks tends to be seen as the “not fun parent”

What do kids dislike the most? Being told they have to do something RIGHT NOW–especially when that thing is something they don’t want to do.

So whichever parent is in charge of making sure kids clean up, or dressing the kids, or supervising homework–that’s the parent who is going to do the most “directing” of kids’ behavior, vs. just interacting and playing with the kids. That’s the parent that will feel as if they’re always put in the role of “bad guy”.

Let’s revisit Sandra and Mike from our first post.

The Saturday Homework Fight

(continued from the first Mental Load post)

When Sandra comes home from being out in the morning, and starts ordering Brian to begin his Science Fair project, and getting Janie to practice piano, the kids start complaining and whining. Mark comes in from mowing the grass, and sees that his kids, who were so happy after their morning outing, are now in despair. He spent all of this time having fun with the kids, and now the fun is being ruined.

“Honey, they’re just having a fun day. Let’s just leave them. They can do it all later.”

“When, Mark?” Sandra snaps. “When exactly can they do it?”

And she starts laying out the family’s schedule over the weekend, so that Mark will realize that “later” isn’t an answer. Brian is at a birthday party until bedtime tonight. On Sunday, they have church and then the annual church picnic afterwards. They won’t be home until 3:00. And the science project is due on Monday. Sandra and Mark are scheduled to go a fundraising dinner tomorrow night, so the baby-sitter is coming at 5. When, exactly, is Brian supposed to get this done if he doesn’t start now? And is the baby-sitter going to properly supervise Janie to practice piano tomorrow night?

But because Mark doesn’t have the family’s calendar in his head the way that Sandra does, he doesn’t understand how urgent the homework was. He feels as if she’s overreacting and wrecking their fun weekend, while Sandra feels as if Mark doesn’t take this stuff seriously, and always makes her into the bad guy.

How do you get around this?

Let Mark own the homework card or the piano card so that remembering these things and scheduling these things isn’t Sandra’s responsibility. And that’s what Rodsky recommends in Fair Play: it’s not that you have to split the 30 daily grind cards 50/50. You just have to each own some:

One person cannot hold all the cards, even in a marriage where one partner does not work outside the home. Both players hold the adult friendships, self-care, and Unicorn Space cards plus, at a minimum, each partner must hold a fair share of Daily Grind cards, preferably one from each suit.

Eve Rodsky

Fair Play

If each of you holds at least 6 daily grind cards, then marriage will go a lot better. We just each need to feel as if the other is capable of doing the things that make a home run smoothly, and that each is handling some of these so the other can sit down once in a while.

When I asked women what makes the biggest difference in their marital satisfaction, they said that it depends far less on whether tasks are split 50/ 50 in the household, and far more on whether their partners perform full Conception, Planning, and Execution of those cards in their hands with competence and care.

Eve Rodsky

Fair Play

Just share the daily grind load, and you’ll both feel more like a team!

 
 
Fair Play:
A Game-Changing Solution for Sharing Mental Load and Emotional Labor--
that will transform your marriage!

Check it out here!

What do you think? Which daily grind tasks does your spouse do? Or do you do them all? Let’s talk in the comments!

Posts Coming in the Mental Load Series:

How Emotional Labor Series: How Mental Load Affects Marriage
The Fair Play Solution: Conception, Planning, Execution
The Emotional Labor Series: How Do We Decide Our Standards? 
The Emotional Labor Series: How to Eliminate Nagging for Good
The Emotional Labor Series: Why The Daily Grind Needs to Be Shared 
The Emotional Labor Series: Why Everyone Needs Time to Themselves (June 29)
PODCAST: What is Emotional Labor?






















Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8
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The “Let’s Go to the Beach!” Saga: Is Your Wife Really No Fun?

When a husband has a great idea for a family outing, why does the wife often get defensive, upset, or touchy about it?

We’ve been talking about emotional labor and mental load all month in June, and many women have said that their husbands just don’t understand the problem when they try to explain it to them. Yesterday on the podcast, Rebecca and I talked about how sometimes women are accused of “man-bashing” if we point out that many women feel overwhelmed because their husbands don’t understand the idea of mental load.

Today I want to offer a real-life example of how the different spouses may view the issue of mental load, in the hopes that I can help you all have productive conversations with each other about this. 

And remember–on Tuesday I’ll be sending out an email to everyone who is signed up to my list with ideas of how to have these conversations, so if you’re not signed up, do it now and join 42,000 other people!

Before I get to that, though, I just want to do a shout-out for my “Sheila’s Spotlight” affiliate item, Passion4Dancing. I know we’ve been having some heavy conversations this month about things that many people are resentful about. So if you want to get more romance back in your marriage, and just have fun (especially when we’re still trying to social distance), why not learn how to ballroom dance from home using the same videos that Keith and I use? We’ve learned the chacha, swing, and rhumba, and it’s super fun. Check it out!

Your support of my affiliate items helps keeps ads off of this blog!

Now let’s move on to our story:

“Let’s go to the beach!”

It’s a lovely Friday afternoon, and the weather looks great for tomorrow. Donny knows the kids are sick of being stuck inside, and the beaches are beginning to open up again after COVID. So he says to Marcia, “Hey, honey, let’s take the kids to the beach tomorrow!”

Marcia puts a smile on her face, and says, “Sure, sounds great.” But she looks perplexed. And for the rest of the evening she’s pulling things out of drawers, rummaging in the fridge, and basically snapping at everybody. Donny goes and gets the bathing suits and towels and puts them into a backpack, and is bothered that Marcia is still running around after everything.

Donny says, “Hon, I just wanted to have fun with the family, and you’re turning this into a big production. Calm down. We’re going to have FUN! It doesn’t need to be a huge deal. Just relax with us. Come and watch a movie instead.”

Marcia says, “I’m not making it into a big production, Donny! But we can’t just “go to the beach.” It’s not that easy. If you want to go the beach, then why aren’t you helping?”

“I’d be glad to help! Just tell me what to do.” Donny says.

“That’s the problem! You make all these plans, and you never think about how it’s going to affect me, because you never consider how much work goes into this. You just sit back and let me figure it all out!” And she’s close to tears.

What happened to Marcia? Why is having fun with the kids such a big deal, Donny wonders? Why is his wife no fun anymore?

That’s a question that many men have: Why is my wife no fun anymore? She’s always making lists. She’s always worrying about stuff. She can’t just relax.

But let’s figure out what’s actually going on Marcia’s head:

What goes into “going to the beach”, for Marcia:

She has to pack snacks and lunches for everybody to eat.
She has to pack diapers and changes of clothes for the baby
She has to find all the sand pails, shovels, and noodles. She thinks they’re in the bottom of the basement closet in a Rubbermaid container, but she’s not sure, and she has to move the Christmas decorations to find them.
They have that water mattress thing in the garage that the kids love, but she’s worried it may have a hole in it. They also have a bunch of water rings. She wants to find the tape that can repair them in case they take them and then they don’t work.
Janie, their middle child, burns easily and needs SPF 60 for her body and SPF 100 for her face. She also needs a rash shirt and pants. Marcia isn’t sure they have enough sunscreen, and she may have to run to the drugstore to get it.
The baby will need to nap in the early afternoon, and will have to keep shaded. They have a little baby beach tent, but she lent it to her friend Emily two weeks ago. She has to phone Emily to see if she can pick it up.
The picnic, water toys, and everything will take up a lot of space in the trunk, but right now, the trunk is filled with donations to the thrift store. Marcia has spent this week cleaning out the kids’ closets and weeding down their toys, figuring out which ones she wants to keep for the baby, and before they can fit everything in the trunk, they have to go drop off the donations. She’s trying to figure out if the place is open in the evening so she can go after dinner, or if someone really needs to go right now.
They just had a new tree planted in the front yard a few days ago, and the nursery told them that every morning for the next two weeks the tree has to be watered. She’s wondering who is going to get up and do that tomorrow morning if they’re rushing off to the beach.
Marcia’s period started today, which means tomorrow will be her heaviest day. She’s wondering if there are good bathrooms to change tampons in, and with COVID, she actually doesn’t want to use the bathrooms that much. She’s thinking about Lysol wipes, and wondering how many she has. She’s also wondering if she still has a bathing suit wrap she can wear so she doesn’t have to be so self-conscious.
Her maternity bathing suit won’t fit anymore, but she’s worried about fitting into her pre-pregnancy bathing suits. Her bust has gotten a lot bigger with nursing the baby, and she’s worried too much may “hang out” and there may be a LOT of cleavage in her old bathing suits. Does she have to run out to get another one? And will breastfeeding work? She’s wondering if she can find the beach umbrella and tilt it properly, and she realizes she’ll definitely need to wear a wrap if she doesn’t make it to the store tonight.
She would absolutely LOVE to read a book on the beach and just relax. She’s hoping she may have time. So she wants to pick out a novel for her kindle and take it with her.

When Donny announces he wants to “go to the beach”, then, these are all the things that start going through Marcia’s head.

It is a luxury to be able to just have fun.

Donny’s reaction is that Marcia is getting upset and worried and frazzled because she is making too big a production out of this.

However, if you look at that list, is there anything that shouldn’t be on there?

Yes, they could go to the beach without sand pails and shovels, but would the kids have as much fun? They could go without the baby tent, but then where would the baby nap? In Marcia’s arms? In the car seat? And what protects the baby from the sun and sand while napping? They could just empty the trunk of all the donations and leave it all in the front hall, and then fill up the trunk again when they get back from the beach, but that just doubles up on work.

They could just buy food at the beach, but that gets really expensive.

In order to “go to the beach”, Marcia has to think of all of these things. It’s not that Marcia doesn’t want to go to the beach–she does!

But Marcia would have a much easier time “going to the beach” if it were Donny’s job to think about all the toys and beach accessories they were going to need, locate them, and set them out, so that Marcia could just concentrate on the food and clothing.

Asking for a list, too, means that all of these details are in Marcia’s head. And she has to make sure she’s not forgetting anything. 

And that’s what’s so important to understand:

What Marcia is upset about is not having to unload the trunk or go to the donation site; it’s not having to locate the pails and shovels; it’s not having to pack lunches and clothes and all of that.

It’s that she’s the one who has to think of all of these things and remember all of these things.

Not just that, but Marcia is often the one to bear the consequences if things go wrong.

If something is forgotten, everyone will ask Mom why it isn’t there. Even if Marcia makes a list, if she forgets something on it, then that, too, is her fault. Or if she doesn’t communicate properly to Donny what she needs, then it is her fault for writing it down wrong. By having to be the one to remember all of this, she bears the blame if the day goes badly.

And she also bears the brunt of the negative consequences. If they don’t have sunscreen and Janie gets burned, then Marcia will be the one who has to deal with a toddler who has a hard time sleeping for the next few nights because she’s sore.

If the baby doesn’t nap and his schedule is thrown off, then Marcia will be the one who is up in the middle of the night with him, and will have to deal with a very cranky baby for the next few days.

That is why Marcia can’t just “let this go” and “not make a big production” out of it. She is ALSO thinking of all the things that can go wrong if she doesn’t manage all of this right, and she wants to save herself (and her kids) stress and problems later. 

Marcia wants to be a fun wife, too.

Marcia doesn’t want to act like a Tasmanian devil, running around with all of these details every time they want to go anywhere, “making a big production” out of it. Marcia wants to  have fun, too. Marcia would love to just pick up and go to the beach! Marcia doesn’t want to be a spoilsport. But Marcia resents the fact that her husband blames her for being a party pooper and assumes that her motives are somehow bad, when really, she’s just trying to do this right, and he’s not bothering to even think about what work needs to be done. She knows that he is busy at work and stressed at work, and she’s glad that he wants to spend time with the family.

But why is it that every time he wants to spend time with the family to relax, it makes more work for her? It just doesn’t seem fair, even though she wants to have fun and spend time altogether, too.

Why Marcia’s work becomes invisible

Why is it that does Donny not recognize what needs to be done?

Because in the past, when they’ve gone to the beach, the kids have had fun. The picnic has been great. The pails and shovels have magically appeared. And because everything has gone off without a hitch in the past, Donny thinks “going to the beach is easy.” If he hasn’t carried the mental load of “going to the beach”, then he doesn’t realize how big a production this actually is.

And that’s the problem. When one spouse has carried most of the mental load of the household, the other spouse rarely realizes how big a load this is, because everything seems to “go off without a hitch”. If life is that easy, why is she always so stressed? But what may not be obvious is that life is only easy because she’s carrying the mental load of it. She’s making sure things don’t go wrong and things are prepared.

Could mental load be an issue in your marriage?

Maybe in your marriage, if he were to suggest going to the beach, he’d also go get shovels and pails and water rings and start packing lunches. This example may not resonate with  you.

But it’s worth asking the question of each other: Do you feel overburdened by all the details of the household that you have to remember and keep track of? Do you feel mentally exhausted by the family life?

And if so, the answer isn’t always to just “say no” and “you’re doing too much.”  The answer may be that she (or he) is simply doing what needs to be done, but she (or he) is carrying too much of it.

If you’re playing the role of Donny in your marriage, can you listen to what your spouse is telling you? Can you be open to more balance in your relationship, so that your spouse can feel supported, and feel as if they are not carrying the load of the household alone?

If you want to learn more about this, I highly recommend the book Fair Play, and the Fair Play card system that goes along with it. It’s a great way to work through these issues so you each feel supported–and you each can have fun!

 

 

What do you think? Can you relate to Donny and Marcia’s story? How can we fix this situation? Let’s talk in the comments!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8
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PODCAST EXTRAS: Is It Man-Bashing to Assume Men Can Take on Emotional Labor?

If we say that it’s okay to expect that men will want to be engaged at home, and will want to share the mental load, are we man-bashing?

We’ve been talking all month about emotional labor and mental load–or just how overburdened many women feel when they are responsible for remembering all of the details of the home and the kids, and when others rely on them to keep absolutely everything together. 

In reply, many women have said that their husbands have called this “man-bashing”. And a few women insinuated that this was also man-bashing.

So Rebecca and I thought we’d tackle this in the podcast today!

But first–a quick shoutout to my Sheila’s Spotlight product! When I highlight an affiliate product that I just love, and you purchase it, it helps support this blog, since I recently got rid of the ads I hated. But let me tell you–I love the Grillmasters Club! My sons-in-law have both recently bought houses and love barbecuing, and if you have a barbecue man in your family, this is an awesome subscription box that makes a great Father’s Day gift! Every month you get a new sauce or barbecue rub. Check it out!

And now–listen in to the podcast!

Listen to the Podcast Here

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If we think that men are more than capable of stepping up, and that most men WANT to step up, isn’t that the opposite of man-bashing?

I actually think that most men are good guys and that they want to be equal partners in the relationship, but that’s just not the norm in our culture. And if they hear about how burdened their wife is, most men want to step up.

But when we talk about things that women almost universally find difficult, the quick “go-to” criticism is that we’re man-bashing. I find this really unfortunate. If you’re in a relationship, you should care if your spouse is burdened and feels tired and exhausted. And you should care if they feel taken for granted. That’s what Rebecca and I were talking about today, partly based on this comment that was left on Facebook: 

Whew. I shared the first podcast with my husband and tried to explain THIS is what I’ve been feeling but couldn’t express- mental load!! After listening his takeaway was I was listening to “man bashing” and that he “helped” as much as he could but he had a job and worked all day and is tired when he gets home. He just wants to “relax”. He said he would “try to do better”, I just need to let him know what I want him to do and he will do it (maybe). MISSED THE WHOLE POINT?!?! I don’t know how to explain it any better than you already have and he still can’t fathom what I’m talking about! I’m so frustrated!!

We get it, and next week we’ll be talking about how to have these discussions with your husband.

I’ll also be sending out a special email on Tuesday with some examples of how to have these conversations. I’ve got 46,000 people on my email list right now–if you’re not on it, you’re missing lots of extra stuff! So sign up, and you’ll get that email!

But in the meantime, the book Fair Play by Eve Rodsky, that we’ve been talking about all week, has some great strategies for these conversations. And the 100 Fair Play cards can be a visual, physical reminder of how heavy the mental load can be. 

 
 
Fair Play:
A Game-Changing Solution for Sharing Mental Load and Emotional Labor--
that will transform your marriage!

Check it out here!











But I’m going to be super honest and transparent here: It does sometimes seem like if we want to ask men to do something, we have to tell them what’s in it for them.

It’s like we can’t just say, “be a good person” or “do what’s right.” We have to tell them, “don’t worry, you’ll get more sex,” or “you won’t have to work that much harder”, or “you don’t even have to do 50%. Just a little bit.” 

I know that when men approach women about some things, women can be super defensive, too.

But  a reader called me out about how I was phrasing much of the stuff about emotional labor and mental load, trying to convince men to do the right thing. She said:

Your blog post on emotional labor was quite effective in demonstrating how women are required to bring this up to even get a shot at change. Can we talk about the emotional labor of having to make sure it’s not acknowledged that women in general DO have it worse? (As you know, study after study confirms less free time) The exercise of having to make sure to not trigger defensiveness in husbands is exhausting and a big part of the emotional labor. Also having to make sure to frame it as him getting more sex so that’s why he should consider changing. Not because it’s just the right thing to do. Or even the kind the thing to do. Also the reassurance that it won’t have to be 50/50. Only 21% is the magic number so women will be ok as stated in other posts quoting Rodsky. So the emotional labor looks like: 1. Have to plan out and execute assurances that it’s not focusing on who has it worse (even though you do have it worse) 2. Have to make sure it’s framed around change so he gets something he wants. 3. The goal isn’t even equity you must assure, if he does 21% and you are left with 79% that will feel fair. Sigh

Lisa

And I looked back at that post, and I realized she was right. I was trying to phrase everything into, “don’t worry, guys! There’s a ton in it for you, too!”

I think I do that a lot. And maybe I shouldn’t. I don’t know. I do think that when we go into these conversations, saying, “you’re not being fair and you’re doing everything wrong” isn’t very helpful, and likely isn’t a good heart attitude. But I do get frustrated sometimes that when all I’m arguing for is that men be invested, that so often that’s called man-bashing, when I’m trying so hard not to.

And, honestly–I’ve never done a series that has resonated so much with women. 

The number of emails and comments and Facebook comments that have come in about how much “mental load” encapsulates the frustration so many women feel is astounding. This is a real issue. It may be “man-bashing” to talk about it. But that doesn’t mean it’s not real. And if we want to work towards emotionally healthy marriages, we do need to address this.

So today, on the podcast, Rebecca and I got rather heated and talked about this phenomenon. Please listen in! And now I’ll give you all a chance to respond (and I’m getting ready for the tomatoes to be thrown at me!).

What do you think? Is it man-bashing to say that many women are exhausted? How should you talk about this stuff? Let’s talk in the comments!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8
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Age Appropriate Chores and Responsibilities for Kids

What is an appropriate age to expect children to do different chores? When can you expect them to be responsible for their own stuff?

We’ve been talking about emotional labor and mental load this month, when mom carries the mental and physical burden for running the household, often almost entirely by herself. We’ve talked about how to get men more involved in sharing the load (and we’ve talked about what to do if he won’t).

But husbands are not the only ones in many of our households. Many of us have children, too–children who can be taught how to take responsibility for themselves and taught to share in the household load. And children who, if they aren’t taught these things, will end up contributing a LOT to your mental load.

Before we get started, I want to do a shout out for Grill Masters Club, with whom I’m an affiliate! It’s my “Sheila’s Spotlight” item today–a product I highlight so I can afford to get rid of ads on the blog. If you’re looking for a unique Father’s Day gift, GrillMaster’s Club sends you an amazing rub, an amazing barbecue sauce, recipes, and more for your grilling husband. So fun!

I think we don’t expect very much out of kids with chores now compared to what was expected in the past.

Read Little House on the Prairie and see what Laura was expected to do when she was really young! Our kids have it easy. All over the world little children have tremendous responsibility at a very young age. I’m not saying that I advocate child labour; only this idea that kids aren’t able to do tasks young is almost an entirely North American phenomenon.

They’re not able because we’ve never taught them, and we haven’t raised them in an environment where they would expect to have to work. Too often, for many kids, the point of life becomes being entertained, or doing things that they like to do.

Yesterday we talked about the app FamZoo, and how it can help you teach your kids money skills and organize their chores. It’s a great app, and I encourage you to read about FamZoo and check it out! 

I just can’t understand 13 and 14-year-olds who go off to summer camp for a few weeks (back when we could go to summer camp!) who don’t pack their own suitcases. Why is mom packing for them at that age? And what about a 10-year-old who doesn’t know where to start when it comes to cleaning their room?

So I’m going to suggest a few ages for things, and I’d love comments on what you think. This is a rough guide; I may revise it later. But here is what I think is reasonable to expect from children (which means that you have to teach it to them at that age, of course):

Age Appropriate Chores for Kids

Age 4: Put toys away in toy bins. Dust a coffee table. Clean the outside of the stove and the bottom of the fridge. Dust baseboards. Get dressed by yourself.

Age 5: Brush teeth by yourself (especially with an egg timer there). Start putting dishes in the dishwasher. Choose your own clothes. Clean walls/cupboards/doors with water and a cloth.

Age 6: Make your own bed. Sort socks. Sort your own laundry by whites and colours (empty your hamper into the laundry room).

Age 7: Dry dishes. Put your own laundry away after parents fold it.

Age 8: Clean room by yourself. Tidy anywhere in the house. Clean a bathroom (including the toilet). Wash dishes while standing on a stool (not necessarily pots yet). Pack for yourself if you’re going away. Pack your lunch for school.

Age 9: Wash dishes. Fold laundry. Make cookies by yourself, and cake from a mix.

Age 10: Put a load of clothes in the washing machine. Mop a floor. Pack for yourself if you’re going away.

Age 11: Vacuum. Make three different meals (spaghetti, chicken pie, ham, for instance). Supervise younger siblings by yourself.

Age 12: Baby-sit. Sort out the organization of your own room, or a linen closet, or a front hall.

Age 13: Be pretty much self-reliant. Need parents more for advice about any household task, but already know how to do them all. Start to become independent by using a clothing allowance.

Age 14: Start to buy your own toiletries, with allowance if parents prefer. You’re responsible for your shampoo, deodorant, toothpaste, etc. Allowances can be given on monthly basis for this.

A few tips for helping kids own age appropriate chores:
Kids need mentoring before they can do a chore on their own

Kids will not be able to do things as well as you. If you want a child to take over a task, you have to be patient and let them learn, even if that means it’s not done perfectly for a while.

And you’ll have to teach them how to clean a bathroom by doing it with them. Show them that they have to dust the back of the toilet or the top of the toilet paper roll; show them what the cleaners are for, and your own tricks for streak-free mirrors. Give them checklists for each chore–what’s involved in cleaning a bathroom or taking out the trash (empty all garbage cans into one bag; replace bags in garbage cans; add new garbage to garbage in garage; attach garbage tags (if applicable); take to curb; sort recycling; take to curb). “Taking out the trash”, in other words, doesn’t just mean “carry the full garbage bag to the curb on time”. It means much more, and they need to “own” the whole task.

So do it the tasks with them for a few weeks. Make a game out of it. Ask them to examine YOUR work and see if you missed something. Have fun while teaching them!

Kids need reminding to do their chores

To relieve all of the mental load from you means that a child will do the chore without being asked. However, realistically, most kids do need reminding until they’re into their teens. It can just be a quick thing–“do your chores as soon as you’re home from school!”, or “chores before TV!”. But they may need to be told.

Make it easy for kids to remember what to do

At the same time, you don’t want to be giving extensive orders all the time. Keep lists on the fridge where they can check off their chores, or check what needs to be done. Use FamZoo like we talked about yesterday so that it sends reminders and checklists to the kids. Or use an app that will remind kids. When kids are younger, pictures of what they’re to do can help if they can’t read well yet.

Once they’re well into teenagehood–say, by 15 or 16–you can start expecting them to remember by themselves, and have consequences if they don’t do the chores by a certain time each week (say, they miss their allowance or you change the wifi password for a day). That way you don’t have to say anything, but the kids will learn that it’s best to remember! And they can set up their own apps to make sure they do (and I do recommend FamZoo!).

Age Appropriate Responsibilities for Kids

Okay, we’ve covered chores. But what about other things, like homework, practising piano, remembering to bring their lunch, remembering to make sure their sports equipment is packed and ready to go?

When we revisit Sandra and Mark’s story that opened this emotional labor series, a big part of Sandra’s stress was kid stuff–kid birthday parties, homework, and piano practice. When can we let this fall from our mental load to theirs?

Supervision is always part of parenting

Parents need to know what their kids are doing and what is up in their lives, and that means that we will always be supervising to some extent. We need to know whether they’re doing their homework or failing; whether they’re practising music or we should drop it; whether they’re bringing home all of the school notices.

But just because you have to supervise doesn’t mean that more and more of the first-line responsibility can’t fall on the kids as they get older. 

I’m a big believer that the best way for kids to learn responsibility is to face the consequences of their actions. For instance:

Forget their lunch? They have to come home for it or buy it out of their own money (when they’re old enough)
Fail in school? They lose wifi privileges so that they have time to do their homework.
Don’t have their stuff ready for a sports practice? They don’t go (or they’re late)

I talked about this for younger children in my post on alternatives to spanking, but as kids get older, the consequences should fit the crime, too.

Now, I would never jump straight to those consequences, and they should be age appropriate. Spend considerable time mentoring them. Talk about what they need to do to get ready for sports practice. Remind them the night before. Set up checklists. Remind them on the weekend if they have to do laundry. Make it a habit for quite a while that you do it with them before you expect them to do it without reminder. But if you don’t want to be bothered by the constant, “Mom, where are my soccer cleats?”, then you need to transfer that responsibility early, and train them even when they’re very young to keep their shoes in a particular place.

Even if you do all of this, though, you will still have to keep tabs. That’s part of being a parent. But I found that when we expected a lot from our kids, and we equipped them and taught them how to carry it out, they lived up to it! And Rebecca talks a lot about this in her book Why I Didn’t Rebel–which you really need to check out!

A few other considerations about age appropriate chores and responsibilities
Expect the same from your boys as  your girls when it comes to chores

I’ve seen the dynamic in so many families where the girl is expected to help with housework while the boy is not. Boys need to be able to clean as well. If in your family the boy gets off without cleaning or cooking while the girl has to pick up after everyone, then your daughter is likely to marry someone who doesn’t  help, and your son may end up being a bad husband. Train both of your children how to manage a household.

Expect the same chores and responsibilities from your youngest as your oldest

Did your oldest have to start chores at 8? Then so should your youngest. Could your oldest cook spaghetti at 11? Then so should your youngest.

Now, some children have more challenges than others, but all things being equal, your youngest should also be expected to contribute. In some homes, the oldest does far more, at far younger an age, than the oldest. That’s not a good dynamic, either.

We need to raise kids who are capable of looking after themselves. And they can’t learn everything starting at 16!

We have to start younger.

If we do everything for our kids, then they grow up thinking that it is the mother’s job to look after them, and they can’t be expected to do any work. If that’s what they think, they’re likely to become lazy adults, or selfish adults, who don’t realize when they are putting other people out. We all know people like that; people who take advantage of your hospitality, or who expect you to bail them out of a jam, because they don’t realize how much work is involved. Or maybe they just think they deserve it, because someone has always done everything for them.

Being a Christian parent does not mean that we do everything for the family. It means we work hard to work ourselves out of a job. I know not every family would be able to work towards that timeline. Learning disabilities, or maturity levels, would also play a part. Some children will be ready for things before others. I just encourage you to think about what you want your children to be able to do, so that they do become teenagers who are motivated and helpful.

So please comment: is this list fair? Have I left anything out? Am I too easy on the kids? Too hard? I’d love to know!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8
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How FamZoo Can Help Kids “Own” Chores–While Teaching Money Skills!

What if there were an app that could help your kids get more responsible with chores–and with money?

We’ve been talking this month about emotional labor and mental load–how to balance all the details that women especially have running through our heads, as we try to make sure nothing falls through the cracks.

In that discussion, a number of people have said: Have the kids do a lot of the chores! Or have the kids be responsible for their own homework or their own piano practicing or getting their hockey gear together, washed and cleaned.

 

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Supervising Allowance and Chores Is a Huge Mental Load–that FamZoo can Ease

We were quite adamant about chores and allowance for our girls. We wanted them to learn money skills, and we wanted them to do chores, and so the two went hand in hand.

But all too often we ran into problems like these:

It would be time to pay allowance–but we’d have no cash on hand
We hadn’t checked to see if the girls did their chores that week, and it was hard to go back and look
We’d be out running errands, and they’d want an ice cream. They didn’t have any cash. They’d say, “We’ll pay you back when we get home.” And then we’d get home and I’d forget.
They would put their savings into a piggybank, but we never knew how much was in there.
They’d get gifts from relatives at birthdays and Christmases, but we wouldn’t have the correct cash to split it up into savings, tithing, and spending. 
They’d want to earn extra money, but I didn’t have any ideas on the spot and they would bother me when I was busy.

How FamZoo Makes Allowance Easy

FamZoo allows you to set up virtual accounts that you can access from a variety of devices that let you give allowance to kids based on chores or based on a set amount. It can keep track of kids’ spending money, savings, tithing, and more. And you can monitor kids’ chores, check them off when they’re done, and even have a checklist of odd jobs that kids can grab if they want to earn extra money.

As a parent, you can see all your kids’ accounts at a glance, and assign them chores, give them money, or do any transaction you want.

Then the child can login and see their own account. And any money they earn can be automatically divided into savings, spending, or giving–in whatever formula you want.

And if you’re out and they want ice cream–you can deduct it then and there.

You can even keep track of chores, or, when kids are older, give them set amounts towards clothing allowances or personal hygiene allowances. Then they’re responsible for spending the money and taking care of themselves, to get used to managing money and budgeting.

And I’m a huge fan of clothing allowances for teaching kids money habits!

Teens can set savings goals, like saving for college or buying a car. They can save towards emergency funds, or even create budgets of their own. And they can see their progress at a glance, or see how much their savings will accumulate over time.

How Does FamZoo Work?
Is it actual money?

It can be. FamZoo has two types of accounts: Prepaid debit cards (available in the U.S. only), or IOU accounts. 

With prepaid debit cards, you can order them and then control the amounts with the app. With IOU accounts, it’s a “virtual” bank of what you owe your kids. When they decide to spend some, you’ll have to give them cash, or else transfer money from your back account to theirs (and then enter that as a withdrawal in the app).

How much does it cost?

The IOU version comes for two months free, so that you can see how it works. And then it only costs $30 a year or $2.50 a month for EITHER the IOU version or the prepaid cards (so basically you get the cards for free as long as you deposit using one of their approved ways, like direct deposit from bank accounts). The first four cards for your family are free, and after that you pay a little bit. But it’s really inexpensive.

How Can FamZoo Help You to Reduce Mental Load?

We’ve been talking this month about reducing mental load and emotional labor, and this can help you by urging kids to “own” their own stuff, at age appropriate levels. You can set up reminders for what tasks need to be done, or even homework that needs to be done. You can set monetary rewards or penalties if they do or don’t do certain things (although personally I think consequences should fit the behavior, and if it’s not a monetary issue, I wouldn’t penalize them monetarily).

And if keeping track of their hockey gear or their skating gear or soccer snacks or whatever is really stressing you out, why not assign it to them as a task, pay them $2 a week if they do it, and then dock them $1 if they don’t? (or $2, whatever you want). The app can remind them to do chores, get their skating gear together, even practice piano.

Other Cool Features of Famzoo

The app can add interest (you choose the rate) to their virtual savings to encourage them to save
You can charge interest if they have to take a loan
They can budget for long-term savings, like going to college or buying a car
You can set penalties for behaviors you don’t like, such as excessive bickering that bothers others in the family or leaving common areas messy. If their allowance isn’t based on chores, but just on being part of the family, then if they make things difficult for the family, they can lose some of their allowance.
If one child doesn’t do their chores and another child picks up their siblings’ chores, you can even transfer money between the sibling accounts
Siblings can pay each other for things!

 

I honestly think FamZoo is the best app, and I love it.

I wish it had been around for when my kids were younger. We started allowance when they were 3, and as soon as my grandson is 3, I’m setting this up with him! 

I had two big life skills I wanted my girls to leave home with: I wanted them to know how to maintain a house; and I wanted them to have good money management skills. FamZoo makes both of these so much easier. And it takes away a lot of the stress of the mental load of having to remember allowances and remember to pay kids and remember to charge kids and remember to…well, everything. 

So check it out! I think you’ll love it, too.

How do you get your kids involved in housework? How do you keep track of allowances? Let’s talk about it in the comments!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8
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THE EMOTIONAL LABOR SERIES: How to Eliminate Nagging for Good

What if the reason that many women “nag”, or at least men feel “nagged”, is that women are carrying too much of the mental load?

If only women know what tasks need to be done, then it’s almost inevitable that they will have to issue constant instructions. And because husbands often don’t understand the WHY behind the tasks, then they may not buy in to their importance, and leave them undone. And then women have to issue reminders.

Men feel belittled.

Women feel ignored.

And no one’s happy.

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This month, on Mondays, we’re talking about “mental load” and marriage, looking at how when one spouse carries the majority of the mental load, or responsibility for all the daily tasks of the family, it can cause some major negative dynamics in marriage. We’ve specifically been looking at the book Fair Play, and its system to divide up the mental load and emotional labor so that everybody owns some things and one person doesn’t carry everything. (Warning: Fair Play is not a Christian book and does have some language, but I still found it very helpful).

We looked at mental load in general, and then looked at the Fair Play system that Eve Rodsky suggests using. Then we looked at how to decide standards if you share the load.

Today I’d like to turn to nagging: what causes it and how we can eliminate it by dividing up tasks.

 
 
Fair Play:
A Game-Changing Solution for Sharing Mental Load and Emotional Labor--
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What we call “nagging” can also be conceptualized as the Random Assigned Tasks phenomenon, or RATs

The person carrying the mental load and planning everything that needs to be done starts assigning tasks to other people. The problem, however, is that these tasks come out of nowhere, and so there’s rarely any buy-in. And when one person is constantly assigning tasks to the other person, it takes on a very negative dynamic. (“She’s always telling me what to do.” “She’s always barking orders.”)

RATs, or Nagging, Makes the Relationship Feel Awkward

But here’s the thing: Most women don’t actually WANT to be giving these orders. Like the story I told about Mark and Sandra’s Saturday morning gone wrong, Sandra wanted Mark to just remember that Brian needed to get his homework done; to notice that the present needed wrapping; to remember that Janie needed to practice piano. Sandra didn’t want to be giving orders. She didn’t want to feel like she was treating Mark like a child. But there didn’t seem to be any other solution.

Issuing Reminders, or “Nagging”, Adds to Mental Load

Why didn’t Sandra remind Mark that the homework needed to be done, the present needed to be wrapped, the piano needed to be practised? Because reminding him uses her mental energy, and she doesn’t want to have to use mental energy. As Rodsky explains:

Having to remind your partner to do something doesn’t take that something off your list. It adds to it. And what’s more, reminding is often unfairly characterized as nagging.

Eve Rodsky

Fair Play

Issuing RATs changes the dynamic of the marriage relationship

Most of us want to treat each other as equals, and to feel like we have a teammate and a partner. But when one person carries all the mental load, and then has to assign tasks, that relationship is undermined.

A reminder, in itself, takes tremendous mental effort by you. It requires knowing what needs to be done, remembering what needs to be done, and reminding someone to get it done, whereas the person being reminded gets off easy. He doesn’t have to remember a thing, nor does he worry about forgetting. And if you think about it, reminding and praising is the daily work of parenting children, not partnering with husbands.

Eve Rodsky

Fair Play

Nobody wants to feel like their husband is a child. No husband wants to feel like he’s being treated like a child.

But this is often what happens when only one person knows what needs to be done, and only one person feels responsible for making sure it gets done.

Because the other person doesn’t see the bigger picture, they don’t know what tasks need to be completed. And even highly intelligent people can ignore what’s right in their face if they’ve never had to “own” the task. We get into these routines where one person takes care of many of the daily tasks, and that gives the other person the luxury of never thinking about it.

When one person is holding the mental load for far too many tasks than they can possibly execute themselves, then you’re going to end up with disaster because nagging will become commonplace.

Here’s what can often happen in families when instructions are given without context–and both of you get annoyed (from our life about 10 years ago!)

The Canada’s Wonderland Disaster

On Saturday morning, Keith and I were supposed to be heading to the church for 7 am with the girls in tow because we were joining the junior high youth group for a trip to Canada’s Wonderland amusement park.

On Friday night, the girls were hanging out in their rooms, and Keith was playing a computer game, wondering when I was going to come and watch a movie with him.

Rather than sitting down, I was grabbing towels and bathing suits and shoving them in backpacks. I was cutting up watermelon and putting it in Tupperware. I was frustrated because no one was helping, but I kept doing it all before sitting down and enjoying the movie.

The next morning we were up early, and I was shouting out last minute orders. “Keith, can you get sunscreen and put it in your backpack?”

When we got to Canada’s Wonderland, I asked Keith to produce the sunscreen.

It was an SPF 15.

Our daughter Katie burns like a lobster if any sun gets on her. Seriously, like a whole body blister reaction. She needs at least SPF 60, and SPF 100 on her face. We always had special sunscreen for her in the medicine cabinet. But Keith hadn’t grabbed that.

“Where’s Katie’s sunscreen?” I asked, horrified.

“You said to get sunscreen and put it in my backpack, so I thought you meant get sunscreen for me.”

I was seriously irritated. Why would I have reminded him to get sunscreen for himself? Especially knowing what he did about Katie. But he thought he was doing what I was asking him to do, and we both felt irritated at each other.

A 2-Pronged Strategy for Eliminating Nagging
Step 1: Both spouses “own” certain tasks

Both of you should choose certain areas of family responsibility to thoroughly own–conception, planning, and execution. And then that person has to follow through. 

So if Keith owned “family outings”, for instance, then he would be in charge of making sure the backpacks were packed with towels, everyone had sunscreen, and snacks were cut up. He could, of course, ask the kids to pack their own backpacks and supervise, but he’d be the one responsible for them.

Or, if Keith owned “family finances” and I owned “family outings”, then I wouldn’t issue last minute orders to him to get the sunscreen; I would get it myself, likely the night before, rather than being resentful that other people weren’t helping.

And so a special note for guys here: If you don’t want to be nagged, then please, own some areas of household responsibility where YOU’RE the one who remembers what needs to be done. And you can read ouron how to do that, or pick up the book Fair Play and work through it together! Or pick up the cards and make it into a game!

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Step 2: Stop asking the other spouse to follow through on execution

Here’s how Eve Rodsky explains the problem in her book:

A predominant number of the men I interviewed report being on the receiving end of emasculating finger-pointing on a daily basis.

“I’m sick of being constantly ordered around,” said one man.

“The only time she speaks to me is to nag me,” offered another.

“My wife jokes that I need better ‘training,’” said a third.

“Hey, I admit I’m not perfect, but I’m not a dog.”

While a single RAT will turn up from time to time, when homes become infested with them, guess what happens? At least one person inevitably declares, “I’m not living like this. I’m out of here!” After speaking one-on-one with countless men, the data was clear: Random Assignment of Tasks is one of the top reasons men resent their wives, admit to affairs, and express a desire to divorce. Yikes! This is a painful reality check and well worth addressing before it gets to the point of no return.

Thankfully, RATs become unnecessary when CPE (conception, planning, execution) comes into play because tasks are no longer random. After pre-negotiating and specifically assigning all the cards, both partners know in advance—actually, at every minute of the day, seven days a week—what they are responsible for so nobody is caught off guard, needs reminding, or is told to figure it out! 

Eve Rodsky

Fair Play

It comes down to this:

Nobody wants to be treated like a child; and nobody wants to feel like they’re married to a child. 

And the way around this is to each own your own stuff, and to each do part of the work of keeping the family going.

 

I hope this gives you a new way to think of “nagging”, but let me know what you think! Is this what causes nagging, or is it something else? Would this stop nagging in your house? Let’s talk in the comments!

Posts Coming in the Mental Load Series:

How Emotional Labor Series: How Mental Load Affects Marriage
The Fair Play Solution: Conception, Planning, Execution
The Emotional Labor Series: How Do We Decide Our Standards? 
The Emotional Labor Series: How to Eliminate Nagging for Good
The Emotional Labor Series: Why The Daily Grind Needs to Be Shared (June 22)
The Emotional Labor Series: Why Everyone Needs Time to Themselves (June 29)
PODCAST: What is Emotional Labor?






















Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8
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The Emotional Labor of Kinkeeping: Why Men Should Call their Moms

Who does the emotional labor of keeping relationships with extended family close?

We’ve been talking this month in our series about the work of emotional labor, and how that can contribute to women’s mental load–that feeling that we’re carrying all the details of the household in our heads, and if we don’t do it, it won’t get done. It can be exhausting.

We’ve talked a lot about housework, but that’s not the only detail that women  carry. Much of the heaviest burden is actually about relationships.

On Fridays, I’ve started highlighting comments from the previous week’s posts, and this comment was so epic and made such an amazing point, we had to share it with you all. This series on emotional labor has been generating really wonderful discussions in the comments and I’ve really enjoyed interacting with you all there!

Before I do, though, just a quick “shoutout” to my Sheila’s Spotlight item, an affiliate product that helps keep this blog up and running now that we’ve gotten rid of ads! If you’re looking for something fun and quirky for a Father’s Day gift, take a look at Grillmaster’s Club! it’s a monthly subscription box, and every month you’re sent a unique barbecue rub, sauce, recipes, and more. It’s a lot of fun, and if you have a husband (or a dad!) who loves grilling, this may fit the bill. And it’s COVID friendly, too, because it’s all at home.

On Monday’s post on setting standards for housework, Lisa made this really important observation about the important work of relationship upkeep and why it matters so much:

Like eating healthy and exercising, there are things that may not matter a lot when not done short term but over the long term have consequences.

“Kinkeeping” is one of those.

Making sure the grandparents or extended family get pictures, updates, or thanks for gifts.
Making plans for remembering birthdays and holidays of friends and family. (Christmas cards with a current picture are often part of this goal.)
Making arrangements for social connections for the couple and kids (a big part of extracurricular is social connection).

This stuff is the glue of relationships. If you don’t continue to do **reasonable** efforts to maintain and grow relationships you avoid the problem of over-scheduling but create a new problem of less connection with strong relationships which is, studies confirm, is the MOST important thing for happiness.

(And not doing some of this can cause hurt among family, particularly older family members who may not be as technologically savvy).

It’s important to not see this invisible work, so often exclusively done by women, as unimportant or women just having too high standards because of Instagram. Of course HOW it is done is the appropriate discussion.

Who remembers, plans and buys the cards and presents for the in-laws? Plans and organizes Christmas, Easter. Thanksgiving, 25th Anniversary, Mother’s/Fathers Day, Baby/Wedding celebrations etc. That’s the kind of thing that needs to be rebalanced. It’s so often the women who have to either do this stuff or continually remind/manage for EVERYONE not just her side of the family.

The work of kinkeeping is like eating your vegetables. Sure it’s easier and more fun to eat take out pizza every night but over time you will be unhealthy.

And to the goal of men seeing what’s in it for them to change, many men say they don’t have any friends outside their wife. This is part of why suicide rates for men are much higher than for women.

Rebalancing models the importance and work of “kinkeeping” for boys and men so they have the skill and habit of maintaining strong connections through an accumulation of these small things that connect people.

Connection is so important for good physical and mental health.

There is a decades long study of college men that showed that relationships really are the key.

This is not only about helping women live better lives, but men too. It matters.

 

Lisa

When studies look into what allows people to have long lives, a major finding is consistently that people need both “strong bonds” and “weak bonds.”

We need the strong bonds of relationships with family and friends and that’s why it’s important to do the work of staying connected with those closest to us. And then we also need to so-called weak bonds of small social interactions – saying “thank you” to the bus driver, small talk at the water cooler at work, and so on. The data is in and it’s clear: loneliness kills.

As I added in the comments on Monday’s post,

So true! I think this is why men often die so soon after their wives do. What keeps us alive and healthy is connection to others, studies have repeatedly shown. And yet that connection work is largely done by women. So when she dies, suddenly he doesn’t have those natural times to connect with kids, grandkids, nieces, nephews, friends, because she used to take care of that. And so he is suddenly alone.

Often people say if women feel overwhelmed they just need to say “no”. But this stuff matters. My relationship with my cousins was the most important of my life when I was a kid, but they lived a few hours away. Nevertheless, we made the effort. Family reunions matter. Anniversaries matter. We just need to find new ways to redistribute this work.

Sheila

I once heard a study (I’ll have to look for it later again) that said that, to be cared for very well in your old age, you need a combination of 3 daughters or daughters-in-law. It wasn’t sons that mattered; it was simply that you had daughters or daughters-in-law. That really does have to change. 

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COVID 19 has been many things, most of them horrific. But one of the more poignant realities of life in a global pandemic is that it highlights the profound importance of other people in our lives. The staff who work with me are having a bit of a baby boom – two babies have been born in the last two weeks and another is expected in early August. I know how stressful it is for the women who work with me trying to juggle their desire to see friends and family while navigating the pandemic recommendations and requirements, especially as they try to keep their babies safe. It’s a lot.

But COVID has also provided lots of us with a slower pace and an opportunity to examine what’s working and what’s not working in our lives. Joanna, who works with me, and her husband, Josiah, have found this to be true. Here’s Joanna, who is co-authoring the upcoming The Great Sex Rescue with me (and running all the stats!)

My husband lost his job just before Easter due to the pandemic and so we found ourselves in a hugely stressful situation: job hunting in the era of a global pandemic and the economic downturn that came along with it. My husband found out recently that he got an amazing position as a public service lawyer doing policy work with the government of Nunavut, so the stress has had a happy ending. We’re now enjoying a slower pace but keeping busy selling our house, preparing for a new baby, and I’m still busy behind the scenes on the book project.

We lived for the first 4 years of our marriage in Saskatoon, where my husband’s family is. I found it relatively easy to keep up with my family in Pittsburgh from afar and we visited quite frequently. In September 2017, we moved out to Ontario and have lived in Kingston and Belleville ever since. We’re a 7 hour drive from my family and a 3 hour flight from my husband’s, so we don’t get to see family nearly as much. While Josiah was very good at connecting with his family when we were in Saskatoon, it wasn’t his forte when it all had to be digital. But this “new normal” we’re enjoying for the next few months has really changed that. Josiah talks with his parents a lot more, as he FaceTimes with them so they can talk to our toddler. They’ve been able to read books, sing songs, and generally enjoy each other across the miles. Our two-year-old is rather rude on the phone (we’re working on manners…) but it’s been so sweet for them to be able to connect across the miles. While the busy times will return in September when we move and my husband begins in his new position, I’m confident that Josiah will be better about connecting with his family. Sometimes, life just hands you a reset button and the emotional energy to make some changes that will make your quality of life better.

Joanna

I do think it’s important that men take on some of the work of nurturing relationships. It doesn’t bode well for them in the long run if they don’t. Men need friends, but they also need their families. It’s not just that the weight of this falls too much on women (although that is a factor); it’s also that it’s not healthy for men not to engage in this.

What about you? Have you found that the pandemic changed your family dynamics? How do you keep up with relationships in your family? Let me know in the comments!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8
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PODCAST: What if Your Husband’s Not on Board with Sharing Emotional Labor?

What if you want to redistribute the mental load and emotional labor in your household–but your husband’s not on board?

We’ve been talking about emotional labor all month on the blog, and we’ve got a lot more coming! And today on the podcast we want to continue the conversation by looking at how to renegotiate how your household functions. 

But first, listen in to the podcast!

Listen to the Podcast Here

Browse all the Different Podcasts

See the Last “Start Your Engines” (Men’s) Podcast

When Your Hubby Wants to Help with Mental Load–but Doesn’t Always Understand

Sometimes you’re married to an awesome guy (I think  most of us are, really), and he wants to help, but he doesn’t understand what  needs to be done, and doesn’t feel the same ownership or urgency. 

That’s the situation Rebecca and Connor were in with mental load, and they discussed how they came to a great solution in the podcast this week. 

And it wasn’t only Connor who had to compromise–Rebecca had to learn a lot, too. That’s what marriage is about. Learning to be on the same team!

This conversation was a continuation of one we started last week on the blog about emotional labor, and on our podcast about emotional labor. I promised in the podcast this week that I’d point to all the posts so you could catch up:

Posts Coming in the Mental Load Series:

How Emotional Labor Series: How Mental Load Affects Marriage
The Fair Play Solution: Conception, Planning, Execution
The Emotional Labor Series: How Do We Decide Our Standards? 
The Emotional Labor Series: How to Eliminate Nagging for Good (June 15)
The Emotional Labor Series: Why The Daily Grind Needs to Be Shared (June 22)
The Emotional Labor Series: Why Everyone Needs Time to Themselves (June 29)
PODCAST: What is Emotional Labor?




















Another tool to talk about dividing up emotional labor: The Fair Play Cards

We’ve been talking this month about the book Fair Play by Eve Rodsky, which goes into the problems of one person bearing the majority of the mental load for the family, and how to even this out so you feel like you’re on the same team, and your marriage feels so much better. No more nagging. No more annoyance and frustration. No more confusion and lack of communication about tasks.

But she also has a card system that makes talking about this so much easier. So check out the cards, too!

 
 
Fair Play:
A Game-Changing Solution for Sharing Mental Load and Emotional Labor--
that will transform your marriage!

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What if your husband isn’t open to sharing mental load?

I hear a lot “well, he has mental load and stress from work, so I can’t ask him to take on anything at home.” I agree that housework may be off the table, but people still need to be engaged with relationships at home, especially with kids. And when a husband does nothing at home at all, that does set a bad example for the kids. 

I dealt with these questions on the podcast from women whose husbands aren’t as open to talking about things:

With regards to chores, how do you deal with a perfectionist? My husband complains about the yard/patio every single time he goes outside. We fixed it up nice this spring, but he still complains. I don’t have the energy to sweep the patio daily and weed the driveway cracks etc, so I mostly just tell him to do it himself. I always feel like he holds me to a higher standard and nothing is good enough— not just with me, but with our kids’ behavior, with his work, with everything. Nothing is good enough for a perfectionist. I mostly let it roll off my back because I’m used to it and he is hardest on himself and I know that, but sometimes it bothers me. Like about the yard.

Any household paperwork is my job— we hired an accountant for taxes but my husband is still asking me for paperwork that HE has for the taxes, so taxes haven’t been done. Finding a plumber when we have a leaky faucet? That’s on me to research. He mows, but it’s been on me to find someone to do yard work when he can’t do it. Basically the mental load of running the house is all on me. We need a new sink and he keeps telling me to pick a sink because he doesn’t want to get the wrong one. I even remind him to pay himself because he is self-employed. I struggle with mental load a lot and can’t say anything about it because he has too many clients and too much work to share in the household mental load. I meal plan and make the grocery list, but he does the shopping because I almost passed out after grocery shopping when about 6 weeks postpartum with my third kid— I had taken all 3 kids with me and it was too much. When he saw that he said he would do the groceries from then on.

Another woman commented this week:

I have tried on numerous occasions to get my teenage children and spouse to take on responsibility for certain tasks (after discussion about what they preferred from my list of stuff that needed doing really regularly). It’s the mental load of noticing and reminding that gets tedious: i find my son is very good doing specific tasks when asked to. Nowvwith us all stuck in the house together since lockdown it’s starting to get more shared out, certainly in terms of cooking meals and clearing up. My husband doesn’t cook though and recently my daughter has been noticing more how infrequently he will get up and clear dishes after family meals. So it has got to be a bit of a joke…however when she has cooked the evening meal he has taken the lead to say that she shouldn’t have to wash up because she cooked! Different rules for wives and daughters He is a good man but just not great at noticing stuff – very good at doing a task very thoroughly once he has got started though and gets frustrated if I mention other things to do before he has finished (oops). I think that may be a male trait.

I think what happens often is that our work becomes invisible when we’ve been doing it for so long and people come to expect it. So he doesn’t even notice after a while. And when men don’t feel “ownership” of a task (which is what the book and cards are great for), then they don’t jump up and help.

A few things about teens: If they’re enjoying the benefits of the household (like wifi; shared data or cell phone plans; TV; video games; etc.) then they can share in the responsibilities. And if they need to be reminded to do their chores, then you can simply stop reminding them and change the wifi password. Do something where it relieves you of the problem of having to remember it all. Also, if the teens see the dad ignoring the mom’s work, then how will that impact their future marriages? That’s worth talking to the husband about.

Okay, one more comment:

So my husband and I both work full time and I was just promoted to manager for a busy office a yea ago. I have always handled all bills and kids (ie. doctors/dentists/schools/daycare etc) but since promoted I have been working late hours so he gets off at 3 and gets kids from school and I usually don’t get home until 6:30 (give or take).. then I have to help with hw and clean up and get them ready for bed… then get up at 5:45 to make lunches and get kids ready for school and do it all over again. On weekends he sleeps in and I get up and make breakfast and clean up and he wakes up and just sits on couch! I am losing my mind! I feel it is unfair! Especially if we have a birthday party or something to go to he won’t bc he says “I’ll stay home and I’ll clean .. etc..” it’s like he is a blob here and I’m a single mom.

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I’d just say–deal with this before it gets worse. If you are both working full-time, then the household needs to be shared. If he isn’t stepping up, let your circle know, like his parents or siblings. Talk to a counselor. But most of all, talk to him and tell him what you’re willing to do, and what you’re NOT willing to keep doing. 

You may also enjoy these posts:

When your husband won’t change
The Iron Sharpens Iron series about change in marriage
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage

 

But now I’ll let you all chime in–what do you think she should do? How do you have these hard conversations? Let’s talk in the comments!

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What if Your Husband Wants You to Work–But You Want to Stay at Home?

What do you do if you disagree about whether or not the wife should work?

We talk a lot about the “mommy wars” between stay at home moms and working moms. But I’ve had a number of women in a different predicament: They really want to stay at home with their kids, but their husband really feels as if they have to work to get some money coming in.

Often the problem goes the other way–he wants her to stay at home, and she wants to work. But today, as we’re tackling balancing the load this month on the blog, I thought I’d try to address some general principles here that may help you as you try to navigate these big decisions.

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And I want to say that I am biased. I really do think that, in general, kids do better if they don’t have to be in full-time childcare. I had a wonderful time as a stay-at-home mom, and chose to give up my career dreams when my kids were born, even if that meant living in a cramped apartment and having no car for four years. At the same time, we were able to do that because Keith had an okay-but-low income job, but we also knew his income would be increasing later, so I know we were very fortunate.

Our family when we finally bought our first car, when I was 28, when we moved out of Toronto

But we also spent 6 months with Keith working half time and me working half time. I have other family members where the dad is the primary caregiver. Families do things differently, but I did want to state my biases up front. I completely understand the urge to stay at home, and I’m also flabbergasted by America’s lack of maternity leave policy where you have to return to work just weeks after the birth of a baby (I continue to believe that that is inhumane and actually violates basic human rights). So I’d like to help people figure out how a parent can be at home, and that’s what I’m hoping to look at now.

Before you start a discussion on whether she should work, acknowledge that you each have valid points.

Often these conversations are very fraught with tension, though, because we’re approaching them differently. One person is primarily worried about money, and feels they’re just trying to be realistic, and the other is working from what they feel are their values about staying home with kids and their desire to stay home. So before you start, say something like this to each other:

As a family, we need to be responsible with money, and it’s good that we’re concerned about that. We also need to value how our kids are raised, and it does matter what we want. These are all good things. So let’s take a step back and look at the big picture, and see what’s possible.

Don’t get into a power struggle about who’s right. You both have a point; now let’s examine it. There’s no point getting into an argument about whether or not you should work without first doing the homework and seeing what you’re actually dealing with. Sometimes we go around and around on issues but we don’t face the numbers. First things first.

Figure out what kind of lifestyle you’re comfortable with

Remember that whether or not the family needs anyone to work is entirely dependent on how much income the family needs. So figuring out what your family needs is the first step in figuring out if you can afford to stay home. You need to ask questions like:

What’s the minimum lifestyle that you are comfortable with?
Is it okay to live in apartments until the kids are older?
Is it okay to use public transit?
Do you need a car? Do you need two?
How many bedrooms do you need? Can the kids share?
How often do you want to eat out?
How low are you comfortable with your clothing budget going?

And as you’re figuring this out, put everything on the table. Remember that one of the biggest determinants of how much money you need is where you choose to live. in Toronto, we were paying more for our two-bedroom apartment than we were for our mortgage, utilities, and property taxes on the 1500 square foot home we bought in the small town we eventually moved to.

The day we bought our first house

Keith and I own a rental property in Ottawa. It’s a little townhome, with one parking spot. We figured out that for a family to be able to afford to live in that townhouse and to have a car, and still be able to live life and save a bit of money, the family would need to bring in about $72,000 a year. The thing is, though, families don’t need to live there right from day one. You can raise babies in an apartment. You can move up slowly but surely over the next few years. Decide what you’re willing to settle for now.

Write a detailed budget of how much you need to sustain that lifestyle

Once you figure out what kind of lifestyle you’d be comfortable with–what kind of housing, vehicle, where you’d want to live, etc.–then it’s time to make a detailed budget of your expenses. Now, normally I recommend starting with your income figure when drawing up a budget, and then you divide your income out from there. But in this case, it’s the income that’s the variable, rather than the expenses, so we’re going to do this a bit backwards. We’re going to figure out how much income you actually need to live the minimum lifestyle you’re comfortable with.

Remember to include an emergency fund in  your budget to take care of expenses that you don’t foresee. And if you have children, please also budget for life insurance for both of you. Finally, put aside some money every month for long term savings, even if it’s just a little bit, and for debt repayment, if you have any debt.

To help you with that, here are some budgeting worksheets you can use.

 



















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If there’s a shortfall, figure out how much that shortfall is and brainstorm ways to fill it

Now that you’ve calculated how much money you need to sustain your lifestyle, you can start doing the real math. What is your current income? How much can the husband (assuming it’s the husband who is working) earn? Do you have a shortfall?

If your lifestyle requires $48,000 a year, and your husband makes $40,000, then you have a shortfall of $8000. That sounds like a part-time job or small business could likely recoup those costs. If your lifestyle costs $62,000, and your husband brings in $30,000, then that’s a different story.

Once you’ve figured out your shortfall, then, brainstorm ways to make it up. Do you need a full-time second job? Do  you have any skills that could earn you some money part-time? My girls, for instance, if they ever needed to, could each teach piano through private lessons. It wouldn’t take many lessons a week to make $8000 a year. They’ve also both worked as lifeguards, and it wouldn’t take long to re-certify and do a shift or two a week at the gym to earn that $8000, or even more.

Determine the cost of a second job

If you decide that a second job is necessary, remember that that job will have costs associated with it. Baby-sitting, for instance, is a huge cost. I know some families who have tried to avoid this by having one spouse work full-time and the other work part-time at alternate hours. That can work, but in the long run it’s very difficult on a marriage, because you so rarely have time alone.

Also, what’s the cost of transportation to that job? Do you need a second car? Do you need work clothes? Remember, too, that if you work, you’re more likely to order in for dinner because you’re tired, or to buy lunch (or even coffee) out.

When Connor stopped working outside the home and started running the technical side of To Love, Honor and Vacuum, he was able to work from home. And we discovered something surprising. We ended up saving between $225 and $375 a month simply by using less gas and by eating more at home. When I had to pick up Connor from work every night, it was way too easy to stop in and order Chinese food or shawarma for dinner. But when we were at home, going for shawarma would require getting changed out of our pyjama pants. So we ate through our fridge! Also, we were surprised how much we were spending on coffee everyday.

Rebecca Lindenbach

Determine the savings of staying at home

Having one spouse stay at home also can have financial benefits to the family–if the spouse sees that as part of the job!

My daughter Katie, for instance, has chosen to stay at home because her husband David is in the military and is often out on exercises, and when he is home, she wants to also be there to spend time with him. His schedule is so random that there was no way to plan work around it.

So she’s made it her mission to save money on absolutely everything. If they need car repairs done or they need to renegotiate any car leases, she researches beforehand and comes armed with data. She makes wedding shower gifts (she often knits amazing blankets in the couple’s colours) or baby shower gifts. She cooks everything from scratch. And it’s allowed them to live on very little money and save the rest.

We have to weigh the relationship cost of a second job, given my husband’s long and erratic work hours. When he gets a weekend off, I want to know that I can be home too.

As such, we both agreed (which is the key) that our lifestyle is a one-income lifestyle, not a dual-income lifestyle. We don’t go on vacations. We don’t eat out at restaurants unless it’s  a special occasion. We don’t buy the $12 block of artisan cheddar; we buy the $6 Cracker Barrel.

We always say that David makes the money, and I make the money stretch.

Katie Emmerson

Is there a chance for him to stay at home at times as well?

If we’re putting everything out on the table, let’s consider this one, too. A lot of men would love the chance to spend more time with the kids, and it may be that a better arrangement for all of you would be to have both parents work 1/2-2/3 time, rather than one parent work 100% of the time and one parent be home 100% of the time.

In some families, the husband wants the wife to work because she actually can earn more money, and so he’d rather be the one to stay home so that they’re on better financial footing. I know a number of millennial couples where she is a nurse or a doctor, earning quite large salary, while he is working a much lower-paying job. Though she would love to stay at home, when you run the numbers, it just doesn’t make sense.

That’s a tough one for many women, I know. Many of us had a dream of being a stay-at-home mom. But if you are the primary breadwinner, that may not be an option. You may, however, be able to work reduced hours. My cousin is a physician, and she arranges her schedule where she works full-time, with call, for a week at a time, but then she’s off for several weeks. Her husband works a few days a week all the time, so they only need childcare on the days he works when she’s also working. They could be earning a lot more money than they are, but they’d rather have less money and have more time with the kids.

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Can you plan work in two-year time frames?

As you’re making these huge decisions, too, remember that you don’t need to decide what you’re going to do forever. You only have to decide what you’re going to do next. Maybe you have a lot of debt that needs to be paid off, and so you will work hard for a few  years, but then you’ll plan to stay at home. Maybe you’ll work hard for a few years because your husband is retraining, and you need your income. But then things may look different. Plan what you’re going to do now, but then also plan a time to re-evaluate.

Every family is different. There isn’t one right way to do things.

Millennials and Generation Z parents seem to value time with each other and with kids far more than they value large homes and cars, if you compare them to my generation, and I think that’s a good thing. And millennials are well-known for being extremely flexible as a generation, too. So use that flexibility and creativity and see what options you can come up with that work for you.

Every family is different. There isn’t one right way to do things.

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After all is said and done, though, my biggest recommendation is this one:

Look critically at what lifestyle you honestly want. The choice of what city you will live in and what kind of housing you’re willing to accept is the biggest determinant of what income you will need. If we take time to make these intentional decisions, rather than just doing what’s expected of us, we can often find solutions we didn’t even realize were right in front of us. 

What do you think? Were you able to come up with creative ways to balance work and family? Let’s talk in the comments!

 

Like this post so far? You should also check out:

How to Stop Tantrums Before They Start

10 Reasons Women Feel More like a Maid than a Wife and a Mother!

10 Ways to Discipline WITHOUT Spanking

Sex After Kids: 17 Ways to Make It Happen!

Should Doing Housework Be Considered Foreplay?

Have you all heard “sex begins in the kitchen”–not meaning that we should do interesting things with whipping cream, but that doing the dishes is a good method to get women to warm up?

I hear this a lot–“Guys, if you want her to have sex with you, you had better pick up a tea towel!”

And I’ve heard women say this, too, that the sexiest thing a man can say is something like, “let me vacuum for you.” When I asked on Facebook a while ago about how men can get women in the mood, that was one of the biggest things mentioned.

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I’m worried, though, that we’re taking this too far and we’re missing the point, and the whole thing is feeling manipulative.

Here’s a video that was sent to me by a reader recently which shows how this can sometimes go awry:

“Run the dishwasher with no dishes in it” to make her think you’ve done housework? I know that was meant as a joke, but there’s an underlying problem here.

First, when we talk about how the way to get sex is for men to do housework, we assume that he has the higher sex drive.

Actually, in about 25% of cases it’s her with the higher libido. So speaking in gendered terms like this actually doesn’t work for a substantial portion of the population.

More importantly, though, it paints sex as something that he wants, but she really doesn’t.

It reinforces the message that she fundamentally doesn’t like sex, and so he has to bribe her somehow. Again, I think this message is part of the reason that women have no libido. When you’re told constantly something like, “well, of course she doesn’t want it, and so he’ll have to talk her into it”, it presents sex as something rather off-putting for wives, and suggests that she has to be ready to be constantly bothered and bugged into having sex.

People do respond to expectations. If this is what we expect from women, is it any wonder that women don’t want sex?

But more than that, it paints sex as transactional.

I was glad to see in this video that he did put in the caveat that men should be doing dishes even on nights when he doesn’t want sex, but I wish he could have gone further. It still sounded like he was saying, “do dishes anyway, even if you don’t get sex, so it’s not seen as being manipulative.”

Is this really what we want? He does dishes to get sex?

We’ve been talking this month about the emotional labor and mental load of managing the household, and how both spouses should take on some of that mental load. But it’s not to get sex. It’s to be a good person and to love your spouse.

I’d suggest re-framing it like this:

He does dishes because he’s a responsible, decent human being who wants to feel like a true partner in the marriage. Because she feels as if she has a true partner, and because she’s not exhausted, she is going to desire him more.

Do you see the difference? He isn’t doing dishes to get sex. He’s doing dishes because that’s what he should do. He’s an adult. He eats. He dirties dishes. It’s their house, together. So he does dishes because he’s a decent, mature, responsible human being.

And she isn’t giving sex to get him to do housework. No, sex is growing out of a relationship where they each feel valued and they feel like they’re partners.

Yes, women have a hard time with sex when they’re very exhausted and just want to sleep, and helping women not be exhausted is a big key to unlocking her libido for sure.

I talked about this a ton in my Boost your Libido course–about how if you’re going to have energy at the end of the day, you need to get some time to relax during the day, and you need to not have 1,000 things running through your head. And if you’re tired of always being too tired for sex, and you want to want it again, please check out the course!

But I’m uncomfortable portraying sex as something transactional–he does X so she will give sex. It makes sex into a reward. It makes sex seem like a chore for her. It makes sex into something that she gives him, rather than something that they experience together that grows out of their relationship.

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Do you yearn to actually WANT to make love–and figure out what all the fuss is about?

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Women, don’t use sex as a reward. Don’t withhold sex until he does dishes or until he mows the lawn. He needs to know that you love him and desire him, not just that you’re willing to give it to him if he behaves. Sex is an important part of marriage, and you vowed to have and to hold. This is what it means to hold. (of course, there are reasons to say no to sex, but on the whole, we should not be withholding sex.)

But at the same time, men, stop talking about sex like it’s something you deserve just because you did something which normal, mature, responsible human beings should be doing anyway. 

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And all of us: Let’s start talking about sex as something which is intrinsic to marriage, where desire grows as we feel closer and closer, and that also fuels our connection to each other. If we talked more about how sexually responsive women can be, and how great women can feel, perhaps more women would enter marriage assuming that they would actually want sex.

And, please, can we stop with manipulation? It cheapens everything.

What do you think? Has sex been framed as a reward for you? How can we get out of this mindset? Let’s talk in the comments!

Like this post? You should also check out:

Preparing for Sex Throughout the Day

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