Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 52

How Can We Raise Boys–and Help Men–Become More “Period” Aware?

Women go through so much embarrassment when males fail to clue in to the fact that women may be trying to get out of an activity due to their periods.

Or maybe they need more frequent bathroom breaks due to their periods, and that’s okay! They’re not being lazy. They honestly need it.

We’re doing a mini-series on periods during the month of August, and one of the themes that came up on both Facebook and Twitter when I asked about women’s memories of periods and embarrassment from the teenage years came from interactions with clueless men and/or boys. Then on yesterday’s post about periods and going to the beach, many of the comments told embarrassing stories of men making them feel embarrassed around their periods.

Sometimes it’s in work situations, like Jane Eyre:

 

At work, an almost 50 year old manager got mad at me during a surprise performance review for bringing my purse into the bathroom.

HR got a call about that.

Now, I’m not saying that I was anything but mortified, and I cried while calling hr, but… it’s not okay for men to do that to women. The man had a LOT of other issues with women, and that was just one symptom of a larger problem.

Jane Eyre

Often it was at school, and related to swim activities or to gym class. 

At 9th grade orientation, I remember the male PE teacher telling the girls that he wasn’t going to accept our period as an excuse to sit out, minimizing the very real pain and fears I experienced with my periods. A couple of years later, in a high school where we were required to wear khaki pants/skirts, one of my worst fears came true when I started my period and it bled through my pants. I had to stay in the bathroom until class started. I then sneaked out to the parking lot to my car, and drove straight home, where I tried to avoid male family members. The next day, I was sent to the principal’s office for skipping class. It was so embarrassing.

But so many of them were in Christian situations, at camps, youth groups, or even on the mission field:

How about this: Church camp in high school, put together by our (male) youth pastor. We were mandated to take part in games, including water games in the pool. Well, some of the girls didn’t want to because they were on their periods. So they discretely went to their counselor and she excused them. She marked a special mark by their names on the participation roster. The pastor was very disappointed and demanded an explanation for why so many young women didn’t participate. She tried to answer politically, that they had a good reason and she approved, but he still insisted. She finally said, “Because they are on their periods!” and he said, “So?!” She had to explain to him why his choice of water games in the pool was a bad choice.

The second time I got my period ever I was at Christian summer camp and had swimming lessons. I had to tell the lifeguard I wasn’t going in the water that day. “But why not?” he loudly asked. I kept trying to discreetly tell him it was my “time”, but he was not getting it. So, I had to announce to everyone that I had my period. I was mortified. 

I’ve been that cabin leader that had to discreetly tell a male canoe leader that my girl wouldn’t be tipping that day. He was so confused but I insisted and finally he agreed with me.

I had several awkward situations with my male boss when I was a missionary. A couple of us ladies had our periods at the same time so we couldn’t participate in going to the hot springs (and no you can’t use a tampon there), and our team leader was demanding to know why we couldn’t go. He assumed we were just lazy or didn’t want to participate in a team activity. We had to explain to a man who has a wife and TWO DAUGHTERS why we couldn’t go.

I think this is quite a big problem in the Christian world because we tend to have more shame about periods, and I want to talk today a little bit about why that is, and beg all of us to try to help the men in our lives never, ever make a girl or a woman feel embarrassed about this.

We equate anything to do with the vagina as being about sex

Yesterday I mentioned several women’s stories of being told that tampons affect virginity, and that came up in the comments a bunch, too. 

Because your period affects your vagina, it’s generally seen as quite a taboo thing–and I think that taboo is even larger in the church because sexuality is so taboo.

But having your period is just something that every female of a certain age goes through! It’s universal. And it should not be seen as shameful or secret. It doesn’t have anything to do with sex; it has everything to do with the fact that she’s simply a woman. And there is nothing wrong with being a woman. 

We require women to be secretive about it, and our society gets upset if she demands special favours

Many of the stories that we heard (and I didn’t publish all of them) were men complaining that women go to the bathroom too often, and use their periods as an “excuse”. Or that women should not expect to get out of PE just because they have cramps. Or that women shouldn’t be lazy and use excuses to avoid boating/swimming etc.

And it was phrased that way–that women are being lazy, or are using their periods as an excuse.

But they’re not an excuse.

And when you read through the comments from yesterday and see how many women experience totally debilitating pain (some said it was worse than childbirth, and they had been through childbirth!), you see that women are not making this up. It’s insulting, and it adds so much mortification and embarrassment to call women trying to function at normal levels that they’re lazy. Especially when they’re in that much pain and they have to pretend the pain isn’t there so that no one will know.

What should we tell our boys/men?

A lot of men seem very clueless when it comes to periods, so as moms and as wives and sisters and friends, we need to educate the men around us for the sake of our daughters and sisters and friends. 

Here’s a hilarious story from Kya yesterday:

 

This reminds me of a funny story from high school! I was having a conversation with my best friend (female) and another friend of ours (male), and we told him to ask us absolutely anything he had ever wanted to know about women–anything. His question? “So when you guys have periods, can’t you just…you know…hold it?” We both cracked up for a good minute or two and then kindly informed him that vaginas don’t work that way. But it still makes me think about just how poor our sex and puberty education was that his poor guy was wondering about something like that!

Kya

So let’s tell them:

1. Women can’t control their periods

We cannot hold it in or wait for a more opportune time. If we say we need to go to the bathroom, it’s likely because we’re panicking that we’re leaking right now.

2. Periods aren’t a constant flow

It’s not like an IV drip that just drips at the same level and speed throughout the day. It’s often in big gushes which are really scary when it comes all at once. Often the blood doesn’t have time to seep into the pad when it’s a whole bunch all at once and that’s when it leaks all over everything. And while you can’t feel the drips, you can feel the gushes. And it’s scary.

3. Not every woman experiences the same thing

If you had a sister who wasn’t bothered by her periods, and who didn’t have a lot of cramping, that doesn’t mean that your co-worker that you meet in your twenties who has to take a day or a morning off every month is faking. Some women have much heavier flows. For some women it’s only 3 days; for some it’s 7. And some have abnormal bleeding so it’s much longer than that. Some have no cramping; some have cramping so bad they have to stay in bed or they start throwing up.

So if you’re ever in a situation where you’ve got a bunch of teenage girls and women and  you notice that one is not handling her period well, do not assume she’s lazy. Assume that she’s just got it worse than the others!

4. Treat it as a matter of fact thing

Don’t talk to women about it–that would tend to freak us out. And especially don’t talk to teenage girls about it. But if you’re a gym teacher or a youth leader or a lifeguard or a swim instructor,  you could make a general announcement at the beginning of the term to say something like, “Now girls, there may be times you can’t participate in everything, and I understand if you need to sit out occasionally.” That’s all you have to say. Girls will get what you mean. And it will help them feel a huge amount of relief.

You have no idea how stressful events can be that involve water especially, or physical activity, without knowing if we have an “out”. So give us that out at the beginning. Will some abuse that out? Maybe. But who cares? Wouldn’t you rather save the dignity of the girls? And wouldn’t you rather avoid causing them stress?

And parents–let’s talk to our boys about periods!

Just because you’re raising boys doesn’t mean that you’re off the hook having to explain periods. Boys at puberty need to learn what girls go through, too, and in our Whole Story puberty course, we do explain it to girls (obviously) but also to the boys.

We made sure in the guy’s version to explain what periods are, to explain hormonal changes, and to explain that you shouldn’t pressure girls to swim or make fun of them at certain times of the month. I’ll let Connor, my son-in-law who gives lots of commentary in the course, explain this:

Hey, Connor here!

Dating back thousands of years, there has been this culture around periods being something unclean and gross that should be kept away from males. Now, we don’t really talk about it in quite those same terms these days, but that’s because we pretty don’t talk about it all, and we don’t teach our boys how painful and embarrassing having your period can be. But let’s face it, periods aren’t going away. So it’s time for guys to stop pretending they don’t exist and learn instead how to not make life more difficult form women and girls. An important thing we discuss in the Whole Story for Boys is how to respect and empathize with girls as whole people with their own hopes and problems. Understanding what they have to go through every month is an important part of that empathy.

Connor Lindenbach

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I hope we can change the conversation, especially in the church, around periods, so that they’re seen as natural, nothing to be ashamed of, and nothing that you have to keep secret at all costs. 

And I’d love your input on how we can do that better! 

I want to end with this rant from Melissa from yesterday that sums up just about everything:

Sitting around a campfire with friends when I was 19, we were all talking about our future marriages and one guy proclaimed he would never buy tampons for his wife. One of the other girls said “You say that now but just wait, one month in you’ll be calling your wife from the store asking if she needs regular or super plus.” His eyes got wide with horror and he blurted out “Wait, there are different kinds???” We girls all laughed heartily and then gave the guys a brief education.

My shame around my period came from the emotional side of things. As a teen I had really heavy periods accompanied by really bad PMS. For years if I got even remotely upset about anything it would be dismissed as “Missy must be PMS-ing!” no matter what time of the month it was. Which of course only made me even more angry. Which of course led to more teasing and invalidation.

When my husband and I got married he took it upon himself to read up on the menstrual cycle, which was great, but there was still a lot he didn’t know. One day during a particularly hard week of PMS I was able to put words to it. I said something like “Do you think I’m enjoying this any more than you are? Do you think I like feeling this way? Do you think I like having these strong emotions and having zero control over whether or not I get to feel them? Do you think I like not being able to enjoy anything because I’m irrationally irritated by everything? And then what do I get at the end of this? I get to deal with blood flowing out of my vagina uncontrollably for a week!”

We have two sons now and I’m making it my mission to educate them about periods when they’re old enough to understand. There is a serious lack of education and empathy out there regarding periods. Periods are still regarded as this secretive, mysterious thing we aren’t supposed to mention. But most women have them!!!! We spend around 1/4 of every month (or more!) dealing with it! That’s a lot of time! And we didn’t choose it. If I could have it my way I would get a text message from my uterus every month saying “not fertilized, you’re good for another month” instead of the massive hormonal temper tantrum that is my menstrual cycle.

Periods are normal. We should normalize them in society. Not like we are all walking around shouting HEY WORLD I’M ON MY PERIOD, but it would be nice if a woman working in an office or a girl attending school could make her more frequent bathroom visits in peace and if men didn’t panic at the sight of a tampon. Which reminds me, to any husbands out there, memorize your wife’s preferred feminine products and buy them for her if she asks you to. And don’t get scented. NEVER scented. Those things should be banned. 

Melissa

So how do we do this better?

How can we make periods more normalized and less shameful? Let’s talk in the comments!

Our Period Series:

All about Periods, Going to the Beach, and Teenage Embarrassment
How Can We Help Boys/Men Be More Sensitive about Girls' Periods? (August 4)
When Should You Call the Doctor about Your Period? (August 10)
The Period Podcast! (August 13)
What Should You Do About Sex During Your Period? (August 17)
Why We Love Diva Cups (August 24)






















Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8
FacebookTwitter












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The PERIOD SERIES: Let’s Talk Periods, Going to the Beach, and Teenage Mortification

Do you remember being a teenager and having your period come right when the youth group was going swimming or going to the beach?

This month we’re going to be talking a bit about periods–about what’s normal and what’s not; about how to help men and boys be aware but also treat it in a healthy way; about how to handle (and not handle) period sex. We’ll even talk about new ways to handle periods, and how Diva cups can transform women’s lives in the third world!

But I thought I might begin our series with more of an emotional post.

For most women, periods and embarrassment or shame go hand in hand.

Many of us got our periods when we were so young, and often not mature enough to handle it well. We leaked–and we were mortified. Or we just were young and scared of tampons, and then swimming became super difficult. So what do you do if you’re 11 years old and you’re at summer camp and there’s a “Water Olympics” day and you can’t use a tampon? But you’re afraid to speak up, and the counselors get mad at you for sitting out?

Or you’re 15-years-old, and all of your friends want to go to the beach for the day, and you’ve been preparing for ages, and then that morning your period comes. Do you want to be the only one wearing shorts?

Summer and periods and beaches are just difficult.

And I think they’re a good example of two twin forces that are at work in how women feel about our periods (and our bodies). We simultaneously feel:

I must not let anyone know ever that I am on my period, because that would be embarrassing.

But I cannot let my period stop what I would be doing in any way, or else that, too, would be embarrassing.

We have to carry on as normal, even when we can’t.

And the fact that we can’t carry on as normal sometimes adds to the shame that we feel.

I asked about periods and the beach on both Twitter and Facebook last month, and the replies were heartbreaking, interesting, and poignant all at the same time.

 

 

Just wondering…

Women, how much did summer and beaches and pool parties stress you out as a TEEN because of your PERIOD?

I don’t think many men understand the stress!

— SheilaGregoire (@sheilagregoire) June 30, 2020

And then there was Facebook:

Can we talk PERIODS, SUMMER, and going to the BEACH?When you were a teen, how much did your period make summer,…

Posted by To Love, Honor and Vacuum on Sunday, June 28, 2020

I thought today I’d just paste some people’s comments, and encourage us to let ourselves feel badly for the little girls who felt such embarrassment. I think for many of us, this has impacted how we feel about our bodies as adults, how we feel about sex–and even how we talk to our kids about puberty and sex.

About 1/4 of women said their period was “no big deal” as a teenager.

I did have a lot of responses like this one:






I felt so cool that my body could make a baby now, and I felt really grown up. No stress or embarrassment here!

That’s awesome, and I’m glad, and I hope we can work towards helping our girls have that story when they’re adults, too!

But far more common were sad stories and stories of embarrassment. I’d like to invite us to read these (and even click on the links through to the original Facebook post and read them all) and just feel the emotions that are here. Ask yourself, “How does this level of shame and embarrassment affect girls as they grow?” And “How can we be kind to ourselves now if this has been our story in the past?”

Before we start our series on periods, then, I’d invite us to enter into the emotions of it. So here we go!

Just plain mortifying memories of leaking or trying not to leak

 

My first tampon experience was my second period in 5th grade. We went on a field trip to Wet n Wild waterpark. I made one trip around the lazy river and a chaperone called me out and guided me to the bathroom to clean up as I was trailing a blood cloud! Somehow I was not beyond embarrassed and put another in, and went swimming again! Lesson learned though! Always put a fresh one in right before swimming!

There were only a few instances that really affected me as a teen. One was going to a pool party and starting my period that morning so my only options were not going or using a tampon for the first time. We had the cardboard covered tampons which were awful to insert and the thought of any foreign object in my body terrified me at only 13. That was right before they came out with the sleeker plastic ones. I cried trying to get it in and that only made me tighten up which made it worse! I think I opted to wear a light pad in my swimsuit which I’m sure was super hygienic. I just hoped no one could tell it puffed up with water in the pool. Definitely stressful. So my solution for my girls is to start them out in menstrual cups as early as possible so they’re used to it. They’ve already seen me use them (by ages 6, 5, and 3) because I wanted periods and products to be SO normalized that they wouldn’t have the fear surrounding them that I did.

And here are some others:







My first time learning to use tampons was at a park outhouse in preparation for going on a week-long hike in the Rocky Mountains. It was very stressful, and there was an impatient person outside, knocking on my door and making comments, that made it even more stressful. Thankfully? when I was a teen stressful situations often delayed my period so even if it was scheduled to come it didn’t. But leaking was stressful and is stressful and embarrassing and frustrating.
At 9th grade orientation, I remember the male PE teacher telling the girls that he wasn’t going to accept our period as an excuse to sit out, minimizing the very real pain and fears I experienced with my periods. A couple of years later, in a high school where we were required to wear khaki pants/skirts, one of my worst fears came true when I started my period and it bled through my pants. I had to stay in the bathroom until class started. I then sneaked out to the parking lot to my car, and drove straight home, where I tried to avoid male family members. The next day, I was sent to the principal’s office for skipping class. It was so embarrassing
I have a horrible memory of having my period during a white water rafting trip. I was so so worried about leaking that I couldn’t even enjoy the trip. We were in a third world county on a missions trip and I couldn’t just ask someone to take me to the nearest Walgreens to pick up more supplies, I was worried that I hadn’t brought enough and didn’t tell anyone!
Being athletic and a dancer it was very stressful. Running long distance was an issue. Tampons were considered risqué. When my girls were teens and athletic I recommended tampons and they were so thankful. I’m done allowing others to shame any of us about a body function beyond our control. But when I was a teen it was a terrible thing to deal with.
I got my first period at 10 years old. Yes. TEN. And I had horribly irregular and heavy periods – I’d bleed for months at a time and it was never light. Every month – not just the summer – was filled with dread and embarrassing moments. One year at summer camp I was sitting on my feet because I didn’t want to get blood on the seats. I wore the same pair of black pants almost all week to hide that I couldn’t contain the blood. I can’t count the number of incidents I suffered before I was finally regulated in college. Even then it was still difficult. I didn’t figure out tampons until college either.
When I was young (end of elementary and early high school) so many moments of uncertainty. Days worrying before it came… would I be able to do this or that… would it come during this or that… always knowing where the washrooms were during those “waiting” days, constantly “checking”, planning a tactful means of escape. I often brought a hoodie with me, never wore it on my upper body, work it tied around my waist “just in case”.

When you felt forced or like you missed out on important things because of your period

So many women recounted stories of being forced to do gym class or swimming when they had their periods! Or they missed out on important activities:






I literally spent years with my cycle going on right before we went camping or anywhere we were going swimming. I can count on one hand how many times I actually got to swim. I couldn’t use tampons or anything because they didn’t fit me before I was married. I got annoyed, but it wasn’t the end of the world for me. I usually just let people know that I just couldn’t swim today but I would totally tan and sit in the sunshine with a book while everybody did it. I wasn’t a huge swimmer, but think that because of this issue, I’ve become less of one.

Swimming was definitely an issue for me, but my anxiety was more with school. I’ve always had very heavy bleeding and horrible cramps. I’d usually have to stay home because it was so bad.

The embarrassment girls felt when men/boys challenged them on not doing something–when it was because of their period






How about this: Church camp in high school, put together by our (male) youth pastor. We were mandated to take part in games, including water games in the pool. Well, some of the girls didn’t want to because they were on their periods. So they discretely went to their counselor and she excused them. She marked a special mark by their names on the participation roster. The pastor was very disappointed and demanded an explanation for why so many young women didn’t participate. She tried to answer politically, that they had a good reason and she approved, but he still insisted. She finally said, “Because they are on their periods!” and he said, “So?!” She had to explain to him why his choice of water games in the pool was a bad choice.

The second time I got my period ever I was at Christian summer camp and had swimming lessons. I had to tell the lifeguard I wasn’t going in the water that day. “But why not?” he loudly asked. I kept trying to discreetly tell him it was my “time”, but he was not getting it. So, I had to announce to everyone that I had my period. I was mortified. I grew up in a place/time where periods were embarrassing and secretive and hardly ever talked about. Now that I have a 13 year old daughter and she has 2 older teen brothers, I make sure we talk openly and honestly about it all the time, so that she (and they) are spared similar situations. I want them to know that periods are normal, healthy and sometimes messy and painful and it’s all part of life.

And some more!







And the cringe having to explain to the non-comprehending males why I wasn’t going in the water this time!
I went to a family pool party once on my period. Didn’t swim. I made the excuse I didn’t bring a swimsuit and one of my cousin’s kids tried to convince me I could borrow one of her mom’s. I didn’t take it.
I LOVED swimming until I got my period! And body hair. Caused me to miss out on things and feel embarrassed to have to think of excuses for not swimming. And boys were of course clueless and always tried to push us in!
I had mine during the week of camp one year and said I couldn’t do the canoe training because of it. The camp dean made me do it anyways even tho I did the training in the other years. So, that was interesting since I couldn’t use tampons.

When tampons just didn’t work for you and you felt like you had no options

A number of women said that tampons never worked–either they couldn’t get them in, or they always leaked.






Yes! As a teen I didnt use tampons and always made up excuses why I couldn’t go swimming or go to the beach bc I was too embarrassed to admit the truth. Older cousins tried to get me to use tampons as a teen and it was very painful even when done properly. As a young adult (married at 19) sex was painful for a long time too. I didnt know any better to talk to anyone about it. It wasn’t until I those issues were resolved that I could comfortably wear tampons. However, I still tend to avoid summer activities when I have my period bc of the past and the impression it left on me.

I’ve tried tampons since a teen (now 39 with 3 kids) and they have never been comfortable for me. I remember trying them once again on a youth beach trip and all I could think about the entire time was the tampon. Even now 20 years later, I can envision sitting on the beach towel so worried there would be a spot when I stood up. Another time on a youth trip, everyone was swimming in the hotel pool and I wasn’t and a boy asked me why. I told him a couldn’t and I still remember his blank stare. I also had/have severe cramping the week leading up to my period that gives me hot flashes and even vomiting. That is even harder than the actual period. It’s hard to miss out on things because your body isn’t “working” like it should, but embarrassing to try to explain it’s basically hormones.

When you were shamed for wanting to use tampons–even by your mom. Or you were scared of them!

Lots of women commented a variety on this!






It was always so awkward as we didn’t use tampons. Yes, to sitting on the sidelines while everyone else swam. So embarrassing. Now, a menstrual cup takes care of everything. So glad I have options for my daughters

I was at the water park today on my period. I’m over the fear/concern now but as a teen I hated it. I used pads because I didn’t know how to use tampons (my mother just handed us the box when we asked to switch) and pictures were just intimidating.

​How about being told tampons impact your virginity?? Yeah. It was so stressful. I was absolutely made to be TERRIFIED of tampons. So period meant no swimming.

As a kid it sucked. My mom wouldn’t allow me anything other than a pad. As soon as I had babysitting money, I bought them myself and hid them.

The embarrassment about your period doesn’t end when you’re an adult!

And many, many women, especially those with heavier bleeding, mentioned that it’s STILL happening, like this woman:






Yes. Not just as a teen though. Honestly until I had a hysterectomy at age 34 I hated the outdoors, especially camping and swimming (lake/beach). I had horrible, heavy, irregular periods that were messy and painful, camping took away all of my ability to comfort myself (heating pads, hot shower, comfy bed). Getting caught out in nature when my period would randomly start was embarrassing and nearly impossible to manage.

Even some familiar faces chimed in!

 

Good gravy, you posted 3 hours ago and have ONE HUNDRED comments? Not sure I can add anything after that, but my own story is that I grew up in a beach town (Corpus Christi) and could not swim for a few days each month because it was just too heavy. I don’t remember what my excuses were, but I was (sadly) a good liar back then so I don’t remember it being a problem for me exactly. Just personal frustration that I couldn’t do it.
J

Hot, Holy and Humorous

So many did talk about how menstrual cups changed everything for them, and they’re encouraging their girls to use them too!

We’ll be talking about that later this month.

In The Whole Story, our puberty course for moms to share with daughters or dads (or single moms) with sons, we do talk about how to prepare for leaks and what to do about swimming (both my girls, who do the videos, were lifeguards and had to deal with this!). And in the boys’ videos, we tell them about periods and how to be kind and aware of what girls are going through.

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But for today–let’s give grace to the little girls who were mortified, especially if you were one of them.

And let’s apologize to that little girl inside of you who was made to feel shameful or embarrassed.

Were you mortified as a teenager? Or did you have a good experience? Let’s talk about how we can do this better!

Our Period Series:

All about Periods, Going to the Beach, and Teenage Embarrassment
How Can We Help Boys/Men Be More Sensitive about Girls' Periods? (August 4)
When Should You Call the Doctor about Your Period? (August 10)
The Period Podcast! (August 13)
What Should You Do About Sex During Your Period? (August 17)
Why We Love Diva Cups (August 24)






















Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8
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Is Having the Husband Make the Final Decision a Harmful Shortcut in Your Marriage?

When we give husbands veto power, do we end up damaging intimacy?

Often the best conversations on this blog don’t happen in the posts themselves, but in the comments. And today I wanted to share a comment that came in on one of Keith’s earlier “men’s corner” posts about making decisions–plus another comment that I’d never noticed before that was on that same post!

I think the post got noticed again because this week Keith chimed in again with his post on seeing sex through a female lens, and then people followed rabbit trails!  But on that earlier post about decisions, Terri wrote:

I’ve heard this teaching all my life too, that somebody has to make the final decision. My two cents’ worth from my own experience: There are other types of partnerships besides marriage, and in no full partnership do they give one partner the permanent, unchanging, back-pocket Decision-Making Badge. A business partnership between two people, for example. Somehow they manage to come to a decision when one must be made — because they have to.

While a marriage is not a business partnership, the similarities do extend here. Two partners needing to come to agreement CAN do so — unless they themselves have decided on the shortcut of granting one of them the decision-making badge. Then there’s less pressure and less motivation to come to agreement. It’s a shortcut.

Pairs of adults make decisions together all the time. Marriage partners aren’t special or unique in needing to come to agreement and make hard decisions with people they don’t agree with from time to time. I believe we need to not excuse ourselves from the sometimes hard effort of working through decisions rather than simply offloading the work and responsibility on one spouse and excusing the other from work or responsibility in making hard decisions. (And I believe it would be a lot less hard if we pursued understanding rather than compliance! Which we tend to do.)

Terri 

Let’s Look at The Evidence: Do Marriages Work Better When the Husband Decides?

When we give someone the right to make the final decision, we do provide a shortcut

I think she’s absolutely right. When discussing this concept of decision-making, I often hear people telling me, “ah, but without someone to break ties, you’d always be at an impasse!” And they look proud when they say this, like it’s a trump card.

And I find that strange, because in so many other relationships we just make decisions together throughout our lives. With our siblings; with our friends; or, as Terri said, with business partners. And in marriage, Keith and I make decisions together, even 29 years later. We don’t need a tie-breaker.

If people are so sure they need a tie-breaker, chances are they’ve lived their lives taking shortcuts and have never done the real work of finding a solution.

If you’ve never done the real work, you don’t realize it’s possible. And that’s the problem with giving people a shortcut: when the first sign of difficulty hits, it’s easy to just say, “Okay, well, I’ve got to make the decision then”, and march off in whatever direction he chooses.

But what if, by wrestling it out together, they found a different solution that neither had ever thought of before? I show how this can work in detail in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage (it’s thoughts 6&7!), but quite often doing that wrestling opens doors.

Do you have a hard time asking for what you want?

You can change the dynamic in your marriage and make talking about your own needs easier!

If your marriage is in a communication rut, it’s time for some change.

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And while providing a shortcut is definitely a problem, there are a few other things I wanted to bring up.

Giving a husband veto power can sometimes mean communication issues are never solved.

By him having the final say, it’s all too easy, when you have conflict, to view that conflict through the lens of “who gets to be right” rather than view the conflict through the lens of “how can we build intimacy”? And that can turn communication problems into disagreements that need an arbiter.

For instance, let’s say that she’s feeling unloved because he’s spending a lot of time talking to his mother, and shares more with his mom than he does with his wife. She brings this up. But because he is the final authority, he tells her that she is wrong.

In fact, in that list of 98 ways you can sin against your husband that was given out by biblical counselors, one of the ways women can sin is by “getting my feelings hurt too much.” So feeling unloved and not liking something your husband is doing is now framed as a sin, rather than as a marriage dynamic that needs to be looked into.

If submitting means letting him decide, then disagreeing becomes more holy than finding agreement.

Then there’s one more perverse outcome to this idea, and it’s that if the way a woman submits is to let her husband decide when they disagree, then if they were to agree, she’d have no chance to submit and do what’s right. Therefore, disagreement and being in disunity is the only way to fulfill your proper role as a wife (similar to how Debi Pearl wrote about as we talked about on Tuesday–you give up your rights and what you want).

I’d suggest that what God wants for couples is us wrestling together to seek out His will, and us understanding that in marriage, we have another person to help serve as a sign that we are hearing from God–or not hearing from Him. And in marriage, we are to excel at giving to one another and serving one another, and finding unity in the Spirit, not just doing what a husband wants.

Anyway, you can read more of Keith’s original post about how the evidence doesn’t support husbands making final decisions, but it’s my prayer that we can work towards marriage which is Jesus centered and not husband centered.

(If you haven’t read it yet, jump into my submission series to see more!)

Another Way to Look at It:

What Does It Mean to Obey Like Sarah?

Women: Follow Jesus First!

While I was pulling that new comment to highlight this week, though, I saw another comment there by Maria that I had never noticed before, that I also thought was really insightful.

Let’s say that a wife and husband are going for a stroll together, when they see a casino up ahead. Neither has a gambling addiction. Both can easily say no to the casino. And they should. The budget is tight. Too tight to risk losing any money.

Despite knowing that it’s a bad idea, she says “let’s go have some fun in there.” And he, also knowing how bad of an idea it is, says, “Yeah, let’s do that.”

Three hours later they have left the casino minus their life’s savings. He blames her. She accepts the blame. The dynamic could have been different. He could have accepted responsibility for his actions. Or, when he blamed her, she could have said “Hey, I didn’t make you walk in there. That was on you”. But that’s not what happens. He blames her for his actions and she accepts the blame.

And he uses that misplaced guilt as a club. “Remember what happened the last time you made a decision regarding money? Just shut up and let me control the finances.” And he rules over her.

But she also used that guilt as club to beat herself with. “I’m a failure. I can’t be trusted with financial decisions. Better for me to ask my husband what to do.” And she “turns to him” for decision making.

Their children see that this is how a man acts and this is how a woman acts. Now imagine that their children had no other role models because their parents were the first two people on Earth.

Maria

Let’s Look at The Evidence: Do Marriages Work Better When the Husband Decides?

I think that’s a great illustration of how we’re in the mess we’re in, and what Genesis 3:16–“your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you”–has come to be played out. It’s not what God wants; it’s the repercussions of sin!

It’s part of the curse. And Jesus came to reverse the curse!

This week we’ve been talking about emotionally healthy marriages in a variety of ways–how authoritarian views of marriage are toxic; how we can see sex not just from a man’s point of view, but also from a woman’s.

God created male and female to be picture of unity and intimacy. Let’s spur one another on to love and good deeds. Let’s work at knowing and loving each other more deeply every day. Let’s study each other, learn about each other, excel in loving and serving each other. Let’s truly “know” each other, and let’s have that intimacy flow over into passion. That’s what God wants for us, and we need to stop messing it up!

What do you think? Have you taken unnecessary shortcuts in your marriage? What’s the real picture of intimacy we should strive for? Let’s talk in the comments!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8
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Start Your Engines: Your Wife’s Not Broken!

What happens when a couple gets married, and sex doesn’t work well for her?

Well, I’ll tell you what often happens. The couple assumes that she doesn’t like sex. That she doesn’t enjoy sex. That she’s just not sexual.

And she feels broken, and he feels rejected, and at heart–it’s all her fault.

This week on the blog we’ve been talking about how men can see sex from a woman’s perspective, because that can help avoid self-defeating dynamics like this one. But often it’s not just men that see sex from a male viewpoint. It’s women, too. We expect that we’ll react like men, and when we don’t, we think there’s something wrong.

Keith talked about this really well in his post yesterday about the female perspective on sex, and in today’s podcast, Keith and I sum that post up, and then I jump in and answer a reader question which gives a perfect example of this dynamic.

So first, here’s the podcast!

Listen to the Podcast Here

Browse all the Different Podcasts

Listen to the latest “regular” podcast

Example: Sex isn’t working–but are we assuming she’s broken?

Now, here’s a letter that was sent in by a young newlywed, and I hope you can hear the discouragement in her story. I want to share it because the dynamic she’s explaining is REALLY common, and I think by dissecting it we can start to see how sex can become discouraging and hopeless to her, and then feel to him like he’s being rejected and he’s unwanted. She writes:

I’ve been married for about a year and a half, and my husband and I have not really had passionate, exciting regular sex since the first few weeks of our marriage. I genuinely do not enjoy the sensation of being aroused at all. It makes me uncomfortable and usually I have a knee-jerk response like I’m being tickled rather than enjoying it. I feel like I would be perfectly happy never having sex again. I know this is wrong, but I don’t know how to fix it.

 I love my husband so much, and he has been so gracious and patient. At first, there were a lot of complaints and frustrations, but we have been talking a lot about it and trying to figure it out. He and I have asked for advice and counsel from trusted people. Everyone he talks to says that their sex is great and everything that we’re dealing with is totally abnormal. Everyone I talk to has been helpful, but can’t really relate to me.

At first, I wondered if it had something to do with my past.. Before I met my husband, I always felt pressured into having sex in my relationships and never really enjoyed it outside of my desire to feel wanted. Now I have an amazing, patient, loving husband who is not going anywhere, and I don’t have any drive to have sex. I know my past has muddled my view of sex and I know what I should think but something isn’t clicking in my heart and in my physiology.

I also wondered if it had to do with a subconscious reaction to our first few weeks of having sex. They were a little intimidating. When we first got married, it was overwhelming because I did enjoy having sex, but it always felt like there were “comments” or borderline complaints. The biggest complaints were he would tell me he wished the sex had been longer and he wished we would have it more often, and I felt like my comments were always opposite. I felt like it was plenty long (I don’t have the time or energy for 2+ hours of sex) and we were having sex at least every other day at first. With the complaints of how often, came a pressure that made me less interested.

However, now I don’t think its my past or the early complaints in our marriage. I just feel like something is wrong with me. I try to get in the mood, I try to make decisions to love him and please him and bless him. I try to get closer to God so that I can have a better attitude and maybe heal or whatever I need to do. Nothing helps. I just don’t like sex and I don’t like being aroused. I still try but it feels like that will never change.

Okay, guys, a few things to keep in mind:

You don’t get to complain about sex until she’s reaching orgasm

This woman does not physically enjoy sex. She is not reaching orgasm. And yet, early in the marriage, he’s complaining about sex. 

Now, from his point of view, he’s probably having a great time and just wants to make it better, and just wants to share his feelings.

But what’s going on from her point of view? She’s feeling like there’s something wrong with her since she’s not enjoying it, and now he’s issuing complaints. That makes her feel more and more hopeless. 

Until she is reaching orgasm, HER feelings about your sex life need to take precedence. You don’t get to address  your complaints about sex or what you’d like in bed UNTIL you figure out her pleasure. Only when sex is pleasurable for both of you should we really figure out how to make it better for you.

Sex is a big thing to get used to for women

For you, it’s something that usually feels awesome and is really fun! For her, it’s very invasive and very vulnerable. It can hurt (and often does). It feels uncomfortable if she’s not aroused. If he doesn’t hold his weight on his arms, she can feel like she’s suffocating. Remember that this is a lot for her to get used to! And remember to treat her gently and kindly.

Arousal and stimulation are not the same thing.

She says that she doesn’t like being aroused, and that it’s a knee-jerk negative thing.

I don’t think she’s right. I think what’s going on is that she’s  never actually been aroused, and what she’s finding off-putting isn’t arousal, but stimulation–specifically stimulation of her clitoris or other erogenous zones when she’s not ready for it. Touching or rubbing a woman’s genitals when she’s not turned on at all is actually a turn-off, not a turn-on, which is exactly what she is describing.

I have more about that here:

The Secret to Orgasm: Listening to Your Body
Arousal: The Missing Piece
The Arousal Podcast

She’s now blaming herself for what are normal issues

She now thinks she’s broken. Everybody else tells them they enjoy sex. She doesn’t like being aroused (though they obviously don’t understand what arousal means). She has a past that she feels guilty about. And so when sex doesn’t work, and when he has complaints, what happens? She turns negative feelings inward, and it sounds like he may be doing so as well. They assume she needs “healing”, and that something is wrong with her “physiology.”

Folks, I’d be willing to guess that NOTHING is wrong with her at all. They just need to go back to square one and start again, slowly.

But as Keith was talking about in his post yesterday, for women, context really matters. Most women won’t feel desire or arousal unless the context is right.

But what is her context here?

She feels broken
She feels as if she is letting him down, because he has a lot of complaints
She feels pressured
She feels hopeless
She feels like she needs healing

In that frame of mind, can you picture her ever experiencing real arousal or orgasm or joy in sex?

What if they could change the context? What if, instead, he could give her these messages:

You’re not broken; we just need to take some time to figure this out!
I love you, and I’m sticking with you, even if sex doesn’t work really well right now
If we start something and it doesn’t feel good, we can stop and try again another time. Don’t worry! We’ll get this right.
God made sex to be a wonderful thing for you, and I want to dedicate myself to unlocking that piece in you. It’s not all up to you.
Let’s slow things down and concentrate on you.

Do you see how that could give her more freedom to relax and feel safe and start to let her body feel something?

And that’s what 31 Days to Great Sex does! It gives some “quick wins” in the first week where she can defeat some lies she’s believed, and where they can start to unlock her path to arousal. And then it builds, bit by bit, as you build emotional connection, figure out how to make her feel good physically, and even spice things up. But it’s gradual, and it’s holistic, and it helps set the right context!

Wonder if you will ever share a passionate sex life with your wife?

Have you given up hope that sex can be stress-free?

Do you feel like you're on two different planets when it comes to sex in your marriage?

Take the 31 Day Challenge that will help you rediscover passion!

 

I want that!



















This couple is going through something normal that stems from not understanding that it often takes longer for couples to figure out women’s sexuality than it does for them to figure out men’s.

Another woman wrote something in a comment a while ago that fits in perfectly with this conversation: 

I’ve often wondered if Hubby and I started out the wrong way. We always did what he wanted. Tried the things that were important to him (and I often couldn’t stand) and I never got a chance to try sex my way (what ever that looks like). It’s always been for him. But, of course, that’s because he’s always been the one who’s needed it.

So often couples begin sex focusing on what he wants, because he’s the one who can often articulate it better, and he’s the one who seems to want it more. But when we do this, we reinforce the idea that sex is for him, and not for her. We reinforce the idea that she somehow isn’t sexual, and we can make her give up hope.

When she doesn’t enjoy sex, it doesn’t mean she’s broken. It just means you have a project in front of you! And if couples would see it this way, rather than wondering if there’s something about her that’s broken and turning all that angst inward, I think we’d see far happier sex lives.

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8
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Understanding Sex from a Woman’s Perspective

Can men understand sex from a woman’s perspective?

Or is there such a thing as a “man’s perspective” and a “woman’s perspective?”

It’s Keith (Sheila’s husband) here again, for our monthly men’s corner!

Every month, I try to write a post with some of my thoughts about what Sheila is tackling this month on the blog.  Some of the themes this year have been challenging for me to write about as a man, like “How to Help your Wife with her Body Image Issues”, but I have soldiered on. 

But I really balked at this month’s topic: “Sex Questions You Can’t Ask Your Pastor?”  Where do I go with that?!? I briefly thought of writing a post called “Sex Questions Keith was scared to ask his Pastor” just to see if I could give Sheila a heart attack, but I decided that would probably end up with me more embarrassed than her!  Then I remembered that Sheila got some flak earlier in the month, particularly on Facebook.  People took issue with the title of the series, thinking Sheila was saying you shouldn’t talk to pastors about these things which was never what she meant.  That got me thinking about the topic of where do we get our ideas about sexuality and how might that influence our approach to sex in marriage.

Let’s face it, sex is one of those things that we historically haven’t talked about much in the church (present blog excepted).

So I think most husbands have gotten their knowledge about sex from three sources: the media, other guys and their own experience.

As a result, I think that we men have sometimes developed what I would call a “male-centred” view of sexuality, often without realizing it.

I can already hear the questions: “What do you mean by that?  I am a male, shouldn’t I think about sex like a male?”  Of course! There is nothing wrong with that.

The problem comes when we assume that our way of thinking about sex is the right way and our wife’s way of thinking about sex is somehow abnormal or wrong.  If you have no idea, what I mean, read on! 

Before I go on, though, I want to give the caveat that I know that not all men think about sex the same way, nor do all women.  You know that I have said before that I think we often make too big a deal out of gender differences.  However, there are clearly biologic differences in the way we participate in sex which one can’t ignore that can influence our approach and may cause problems if we don’t understand and value each other’s perspective.  Take my first point, for example:

Sex is more than intercourse.

To some of you who have read the blog for a while, that won’t be shocking to you as it has been talked about before.  However, it is fair to say that most people are biased toward thinking that is what sex is.  The expression “had sex” most often implies intercourse. Why is this an issue? Well, biologically speaking, intercourse is a very different experience for a man than it is for a woman. For instance, consider orgasm rates with intercourse for males and females.  For males, it’s typically pretty close to 100% unless there are issues. But in contrast only about a third of women achieve orgasm through intercourse. How a couple handles this difference can have a profound effect on the enjoyment of both partners.

For example, women have emailed Sheila saying their husband has basically told them, “Sex works fine for me. If it doesn’t work for you, that’s your problem.”

In that mindset, each partner in the marriage is responsible only for their own enjoyment.  Now I hope none of the men reading this would have such a selfish view of things! But not only is that the exact opposite of what a loving, selfless husband should be like, it is also so unhealthy because it interprets our biologic differences in a way that says I (husband) am working and you (wife) are broken, when really we are just biologically different! 

Some women even internalize this message and ask if God likes men more than women since sex is so much easier for them!  Think of how that must feel for those women!  Men, let’s commit to seeing our wife as different, not defective!  If women can reach orgasm, but only do so during intercourse in one third of cases, let’s take the approach that says if my wife can experience this, I want to do what I can to help her get there! Let’s not be like the husband above and shrug and say, “Well, too bad for you then.”  I have often challenged men at marriage conferences about this. I try to remind them not to view foreplay as the price of admission to the main event. We need to get past that kind of mentality.  Our wife should never feel like the “other stuff” is a burdensome add-on to something that should be quick and easy. And if you want to learn how to make the “other stuff” natural and really fun for her, be sure to check out 31 Days to Great Sex!

Wonder if you will ever share a passionate sex life with your wife?

Have you given up hope that sex can be stress-free?

Do you feel like you're on two different planets when it comes to sex in your marriage?

Take the 31 Day Challenge that will help you rediscover passion!

 

I want that!



















Another issue husbands can trip up over in this way is male-female libido differences.

Sheila has handled overcoming libido differences on the blog before, but that was mostly talking about libido in terms of “higher” and “lower” libidos (which don’t always follow the traditional male higher than female assumption!)  But what I have been reading about recently is the idea of “spontaneous” versus “responsive” libido.

I had never heard of this before and I found it quite fascinating.  The basic concept is this: For us to have satisfying sex both our bodies and our minds have to be in a state where we are ready and willing for it to happen.  The body side of things is the physiology of sex – erection, lubrication, etc.  The mental side of things is the psychology of sex – desire. The concept of spontaneous or responsive libido suggests that these two systems fire up at different rates in different people (or maybe even at different rates in the same person depending on the day!). For someone with a spontaneous libido, the starting point is desire.  For whatever reason (or maybe for no reason!) they get “that lovin’ feeling” and if all goes well their body begins to follow. For someone with responsive libido, though, it looks a little different. For them, they really only mentally start to feel that deep desire once their body starts getting going. Now supposedly, women are much more likely than men to have responsive libidos and men are much more likely than women to have spontaneous libidos.

What does this mean? Well, it doesn’t mean that if she’ says she’s not in the mood, you should try anyway. No means no, even in marriage! But I have heard so many men say something like the following: “I don’t understand it. My wife always says she enjoys sex when we have it, but she never initiates.” Sometimes they are worried that she has a “libido problem”. Sometimes they are worried their wife is no longer attracted to them.  But a large part of the time, the line of thought is something like this –

“Does she really enjoy sex or is she just humouring me? I mean, if she really liked it, wouldn’t she be seeking it out?”

This insecurity is fed by all the portrayals of desire in movies and books, which are always the spontaneous type – often portrayed as not just spontaneous, but uncontrollable.  And we all want someone to feel that way about us – men and women alike. So when that doesn’t seem to happen in our marriage, we feel like something is wrong – either with our wife or with us.  I always felt those guys’ pain. And now I finally have something to say to guys in that situation. 

Maybe nothing is wrong at all! It may be that your wife just has a libido that is more the responsive type than spontaneous type and all those times where she “went along” and told you she enjoyed it, she really did.

So talk to her about it! Trust what she tells you even if she doesn’t act the way Hollywood tells you she should act.

Finally, we need to realize when it comes to readiness for sex, women are very sensitive to “surrounding conditions”.

We men –  not so much. For example, “conditions are perfect” for a woman might mean:

“We are in the bedroom, we feel close to each other, I am not tired, nothing is worrying me and he is rubbing my neck in that amazing way he does”.

In contrast, for just over half of men “conditions are perfect” stops at: “We are in the bedroom.”

Not to be too blunt, but many men tend to see their wife’s availability as the sole condition that needs to be met.  A husband can fall into bed exhausted after a stressful day at work with no thought of sex on his mind and if she winks and asks, “Y’wanna?” his whole perspective instantly shifts.  Again, there will be some men & women who do not fit this pattern, but this dynamic does seem to be a problem in enough relationships that it needs to be addressed.  And the root of the problem is we are assuming women see (or should see) sex the same way as men, when they don’t.

Simply put, guys, you can’t just signal your availability to your wife and assume it will have the same impact on her as when she signals her availability to you.  You need to create the conditions where she feels free to start thinking in sexual terms. But a lot of guys don’t seem to understand this.

Sheila has received enough emails asking, “How do I get my husband to stop grabbing my breast when I am doing the dishes?” that she asked me to write about it.

Well, here goes! First of all, I’m just going to say that if someone touches a person in a way that they have been specifically asked not to, that is just wrong. Full stop. And if you are that guy, then stop. Just stop.  But hopefully now you see why this sort of  “out of context” behaviour does not get the response you expect. The simple fact is that most women need to be “in the right head space” before they can make love and if they are not, sexual advances can be considered unwanted or even intrusive.  This is totally normal.  I think the fact that sex – especially intercourse – is such a profoundly vulnerable thing for a woman plays a big role in this.  They need to know they are safe. They need time to make sure they are ready for this. Guys, we have to be sensitive to this.

So instead of being frustrated that “she never wants sex”, maybe try working on creating the right conditions rather than jumping in with both feet.

If you need some ideas, Sheila has a great post on 10 Ways to Get Your Wife in the Mood.

I hope I have explained enough to remove some of the frustration that I know a lot of couples experience over these issues.  I look forward to seeing what other thoughts people have in the comments!

 

What do you think? Are there other ways that many men miss what many women feel about sex? Do any of these resonate? Let’s talk in the comments!

Keith Gregoire

Blog and Podcast Contributor, Co-Author with Sheila of two upcoming marriage books

Keith is the rock that supports Sheila, who runs this blog! Sheila and Keith married when Keith was attending Queen's University medical school in Kingston, Ontario. He later completed his residency in pediatrics at the Hospital for Sick Children, and has since directed the pediatric undergraduate program at Queen's University, and been Chief of Pediatrics at a community hospital in Belleville, Ontario. He and Sheila speak at marriage conferences around the world, and together they've also done medical missions in Kenya. Next up: They're authoring The Guy's Guide to Great Sex together! Plus, of course, he's an avid birdwatcher.













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On an Unbiblical View of Suffering, Wife Abuse, and Created To Be His Helpmeet

One of the most damaging and unbiblical “Christian” books on marriage is Debi Pearl’s Created to Be His Helpmeet.

Debi Pearl’s view of submission teaches women to allow themselves to be abused, rather than teaches women to seek God’s will, God’s plan, and God’s glory.

Yesterday I was talking on Facebook about books that I would prefer to destroy than donate, so that others won’t be harmed, and Created To Be His Help Meet was the #1 book mentioned.  I wrote about this back in 2012, and I thought it may be worth revisiting since the book still has many supporters. I don’t want to talk about the book itself as much as I want to ask us to take a step back and look at the bigger picture of what God wants from us.

Before we tackle the thorny issue of wife abuse in a Christian marriage, I want to tell you a story that illustrates what I think is dangerous theology.

When I was 16 years old I participated in a Teen Missions International summer missions team to the Philippines, where we built a kindergarten. Twenty-five or so teenagers along with six adult leaders. I had a wonderful time bonding with teammates, but I chafed at the leaders throughout all eight weeks. I just didn’t agree with their philosophy.

They were intent on making things hard for us so that we would be taught a lesson, even when there was no reason to. When we were mixing the cement, we had a delivery of two truckloads: one of rocks, and one of sand, to mix into gravel. The delivery men offered to make two different piles, but our team leader asked them to put them together, so that we would learn patience and submission by picking the rocks out of the sand. We could have been finished earlier, and spent more time witnessing or meeting the local congregation had he not done that. But he was determined that we should learn about suffering.

The theme during our Bible devotions was “The Way Up is Down”. We studied how Old Testament saints suffered in order to find favour with God. They taught that all summer, and I rebelled all summer.

If we deliberately seek out suffering just so that we can be extra holy, we miss out on opportunities to actually serve and glorify God.

And shouldn’t glorifying God be our main purpose?

And so let’s turn to something which, as a marriage blogger, I must comment on. I know some of my readers respect and revere Michael and Debi Pearl’s book, To Train Up a Child, which advocates strong use of what I would term extreme corporal punishment and even child abuse. Several children have been killed when their parents took the advice in this book to the extreme.

But Debi Pearl has also written a book called “Created to Be His Helpmeet”. She believes that women should radically submit to their husbands as the head of the house, putting up even with affairs and abuse “without words”. She recounts in her book a letter she received from a woman who was obviously being abused by her husband. This pregnant woman asks, “What should I do when he comes after me with a knife?” Mrs. Pearl replies: be submissive. “Avoid provoking him.”

In fact, in the appendix, Michael Pearl (Debi’s husband) says this:

“Has your husband reviled you and threatened you? You are exhorted to respond as Jesus did. When he was reviled and threatened, he suffered by committing himself to a higher judge who is righteous. You must commit yourself to the one who placed you under your husband’s command. Your husband will answer to God, and you must answer to God for how you respond to your husband, even when he causes you to suffer.Just as we are to obey government in every ordinance, and servants are to obey their masters, even the ones who are abusive and surly, ‘likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands’…You can freely call your husband ‘lord’ when you know that you are addressing the one who put him in charge and asked you to suffer at your husband’s hands just as our Lord suffered at the hands of unjust authorities…When you endure evil and railing without returning it, you receive a blessing, not just as a martyr, but as one who worships God.”  

Created To Be His Help Meet

Hold on a second here.

Do you remember in Philippians 2, when Paul writes of Jesus:

In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:

Who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;
rather, he made himself nothing
by taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
by becoming obedient to death —
even death on a cross!
Philippians 2:5-8

Jesus took the form of a servant. Jesus was humble. Jesus allowed others to spit on Him and revile Him. Jesus allowed others to hurt Him and walk all over Him. And thus, says those like Debi Pearl who believe women should be under men, we should, too.

What if there’s a different way to look at that passage?

The passage does not say “have the same actions as Jesus”. It says, “Have the same mindset“. It’s about your thoughts, your goals, and your attitudes. Here’s what I think was going on, and it can be summed up like this:

 

Jesus’ Motivation–Jesus’ Action–Jesus’ Result

What was His motivation? To do God’s will and bring people to Him.

What was His action? He humbled Himself and became obedient unto death.

And what was the result? People were reconciled to God.

Yet let’s take this same framework and look at other areas of Jesus’ life:

Motivation: To do God’s will and bring people to Him

Action: Rebuking and Yelling at the Pharisees

Result: People saw the truth of God

Or how about this one?

Motivation: To do God’s will and bring people to Him

Action: Making a Whip out of Cords and Clearing the Temple

Result: People remembered God’s Holiness

Do you see the commonalities? Jesus was always seeking to do God’s will and to bring people to Him. And Jesus’ actions always resulted in people knowing God more, trusting God more, or having more insight into God. At the cross, His actions resulted in people being reconciled to God.

But His actions were not always the same.

Sometimes He let others walk all over Him–because that is what the circumstances demanded if He was going to accomplish God’s will and if He was going to bring people to God. Other times He spoke up and rebuked people, or became angry, because that’s what the circumstances demanded. In other words, the commonality was doing God’s will and bringing people to God–the same mindset. The difference was in the actions. Jesus used different actions to accomplish the same purpose as circumstances demanded it.

Paul did the same thing. Sometimes he lay down and let people insult him. Other times he stood up for his rights, appealing all the way to Caesar. He didn’t just “lie there and take it”; he demanded his right to speak the gospel, because that is what circumstances demanded if God’s will to see the gospel spread and people come to know Him was to be accomplished.

Writers like Debi Pearl, and missions organizations like the one I was involved in, love talking about how we are refined through suffering.

But there is nothing magical about lying down and being abused.

There is nothing inherently beautiful about being walked all over or treated horribly. Yes, Jesus was treated horribly, but He was treated horribly for a purpose. You cannot take one without the other. Does God ask us to submit? Yes. (although I don’t think that word means what we often think it does.)  Does God ask us to be abused, used, and discarded? No. There may be times when we have to be treated that way–I think of the believers in some parts of the world who are truly persecuted, for instance. But there is nothing inherently righteous about being treated awfully. In fact, this can become a stumbling block just like any other.

If you think that by being treated miserably you earn brownie points with God, then you are more likely to put up with injustice.

You are more likely to see your children hurt. You are more likely to stunt your own purpose and your own gifts. And you are less likely to see the will of God done through your abuser/husband.

Did you catch that last one?

Sometimes by lying down and taking it, by putting up with abuse, by allowing marital rape or extreme verbal abuse we actually do the exact opposite of what Jesus tried to do.

We don’t point people to God; we point people away from Him.

What is God’s primary vehicle for pointing people to Him? He made it quite clear in Galatians 6:

Do not be deceived; God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows.

Galatians 6:7

The theology that says that we are to submit to our husbands no matter what actually puts a stumbling block for God working in your husband’s life–because it removes the natural consequences for his actions.

If your husband is engaged in serious sin, and you don’t speak up as we are instructed to do in Matthew 18 (or don’t call the authorities when you need them), then your husband will end up growing further and further away from God. He’s getting rewarded for bad behaviour! If you are in danger, and you do not call the authorities, you aren’t furthering God’s kingdom either.

This does not mean that God cannot occasionally work in these situations. I can just hear the replies now–“but I put up with my husband’s drinking and my husband’s affairs for 15 years, and one day God got a hold of my husband and completely turned him around!” Yes, God can do that.

But I believe that God did that DESPITE you submitting to abuse or mistreatment, not BECAUSE you submitted to abuse or mistreatment.

And I share in 9 Thoughts that Can Change Your Marriage how often we get the focus wrong in marriage. We think it’s about appeasing our husband and keeping him happy, rather than doing God’s will by pursuing both justice and mercy. And we end up hurting our marriage, ourselves, and even our spouses.

Are you GOOD or are you NICE?

Because the difference matters!

God calls us to be GOOD, yet too often we’re busy being nice. And sometimes, in marriage, that can actually cause problems to be even more entrenched.

What if there’s a better way?

Take me to it!

The whole philosophy that tells women to put up with wife abuse to glorify God also has a perverse incentive: it relieves women of the responsibility of making choices. We only have to “take it and let God”. We don’t have to wrestle with what we should do. We don’t have the hard questions. We have an easy blueprint for life–squash your own feelings and let others take advantage–and we’re set. And what if God has gifted you as a teacher? Or as an administrator? What if God has great plans for you? Doesn’t matter. You’re supposed to commit yourself totally to your husband, even if that means that he hurts you and drags you down. That doesn’t sound like a God of love to me.

When Paul thought someone was in error, he told him. He went right up to Peter’s face and told him that he was being hypocritical in regards to how Peter was treating Gentiles.

I am not saying that we should make ourselves annoying, or that we should harp on our husband’s every fault. But there is still a stream in Christian thinking that says, “you are holier when you suffer.” I don’t believe it. I believe that God is with those who suffer, and that God uses suffering. But there is nothing inherently holy about suffering. What is holy is when we pray, submit ourselves to God, and discern what His will is.

When we ask God what we should do, and what His purposes are for this situation, and we align ourselves with His purposes, then God works best.

Please, please, ladies, don’t allow false teaching to tell you that it’s okay if a man beats you, or runs at you with a kitchen knife, or hurts your children. Don’t allow someone else to tell you that you just need to work on being “better”, on being “more Christian”, so that you can win your husband without words. Wife abuse never belongs in a marriage, let alone a Christian marriage. Ask yourself this question instead,

Am I enabling sin? Am I pointing my husband to God, or away from God? When my husband treats me like this, is it furthering the kingdom, or is it hurting me, my children, and even my husband?

And if you can’t honestly answer that you’re honouring God, then reconsider your actions. Your purpose should always be to follow God’s will, bring Him glory, and bring others closer to Him. How that works out in our everyday lives will differ from situation to situation. But there is nothing inherently holy about wife abuse, and none of us should think we get special badges for putting up with it.

You may also enjoy–about abuse:

Are you a spouse or an enabler?
A letter to the woman with a controlling husband
How do I admit to myself that I’m being abused?
10 Truths of Emotionally Destructive Marriage
10 Signs You’re Respecting Your Husband Too Much

You may also enjoy–about real submission:

How God made me a Warrior Wife
Women: Your husband is not Jesus. Follow Jesus!
Our Submission Series

 

What do you think? Do we make suffering seem too “holy”? Does this distort the submission message? Have you read Created To Be His Help Meet? Let’s talk in the comments!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8
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Should I Tell My Husband if I Fake Orgasm or Fantasize During Sex?

If you’re faking orgasm or fantasizing while you make love, should you confess to your husband?

Wow. That’s a tough one! We’re getting to the end of our sex questions series, and I wanted to tackle one that I haven’t talked about in a few years. A woman asks:

Should I tell my husband if I fantasize about other guys alone and while with him sometimes? Or will I just hurt him?

Another woman says:

Sex has never felt that great for me, and my husband used to get really upset about that and wonder what was wrong with me. So I started faking orgasm. And I’m tired of faking, but I don’t want to deal with all the fights if I tell him what’s been happening. What should I do?

I thought I’d try to tackle both of these on the same day since they both have to do with honesty about sex. I’m going to ask my husband to chime in on one of these, too! So let’s get started.

Should You Tell Him If You Fantasize About Other Guys?

I asked Keith this one, and asked if he could write this section of the blog for me. He said there was no point, because it would be only one word.

“NO.”

We were speaking at a marriage conference when we were discussing this, and one of the other guys on staff wasn’t sure that one word was sufficient. He said he would need three.

“Are you stupid?”

Perhaps that’s harsh, but I did survey the guys speaking about marriage and they all said the same thing: not on your life.

Now, that doesn’t mean that you’re off the hook. It’s just that sometimes disclosure would do so much harm to the relationship without bringing about any measurable good. What you need is real intimacy, where you’re able to focus on him. But you can get that in your sex life without having to tell him that you’re sexually fantasizing about someone else. More on that in a bit.

For now, I’d suggest reading the post on why honesty in marriage isn’t always the best policy. Then, if it’s specific guys you’re fantasizing about, use the steps in that article to get some accountability with some friends and to start praying (you absolutely do have to do that!). If it’s “other guys” in general, rather than some specific “other guys”, then read below for the steps on how to stop dissociating and start concentrating on what’s happening with your husband to train your arousal to respond to him rather than a fantasy.

I have a hard time with this, to be honest, because i tend to think that complete transparency is usually wise. But sometimes we need to take a step back and ask ourselves, “Is telling him this enhancing intimacy or not?” And sometimes by telling him something, we’re simply transferring our guilt and angst onto him. We can feel better now because we’ve confessed, but now he hse to deal with the repercussions. Sometimes that’s necessary (when there have been affairs or porn use or something), but other times I think it’s kinder to your spouse to get your own accountability and deal with this.

I could be wrong on this one, and I think it depends what you feel God telling you. I don’t think it’s a straightforward answer.

Should You Tell Him if You Fake Orgasm?

This one’s a little more straightforward, though, and for this one, there is no option except to tell him. 

If you want a truly intimate sex life, then you’re going to have to learn to experience pleasure, and you can’t learn that if you’ve been faking.

Faking may “work” for a while: maybe the kids are little and you’re exhausted and you just want to get it over with and you want him to feel close to you, and this seems to accomplish that. But one day you won’t be so exhausted. One day you’re going to want sex to be for you, too.

And the longer you make sex just for him, the more resentful you’re going to feel.

You’ll start feeling like he’s absolutely oblivious and likely a little dumb. He thinks everything’s great, but you know it’s not. How can he be that clueless? 

Yet from his perspective, how could he think any differently?

And the longer you go on like that, the bigger your dilemma gets. Do you tell him that you haven’t felt that great for 10 years? For 15?

Please, faking orgasm is SUCH a bad habit to get started.

I know why we start it–we feel pressure to have an orgasm, because he often feels so disappointed and like a failure if we don’t. And then sometimes that disappointment on his part sounds like anger–“what’s wrong with you”? And we figure that if he thinks that we reach the big O, then he’ll feel so happy and he’ll be more affectionate and life will be great again.

And it actually seems to work.

But do that long enough and you’ll build up so much resentment, because you’ll feel like an object, you’ll feel like he doesn’t really know you (because he doesn’t), and you’ll feel like you sacrifice all the time and he doesn’t even see it–and it’s not sustainable.

What you need is to experience real pleasure.

But you can’t do that until he first knows that you’re not experiencing it now, or else he won’t be able to help you. And you need his help.

Need more help? Try these!

Becoming More Orgasmic

Finally Reaching Orgasm–a Breakthrough

How Can You Have that Conversation if You’ve Been Faking Orgasm?

Carefully. Don’t have it on a whim, or in the middle of another fight where you’re angry at him for being insensitive about something else.

Explain that you truly love him, and that you truly want to be intimate together.

But say that you made a mistake. You thought this would make him happy, but you didn’t realize how dishonest it was and how it would end up driving a wedge between you, and that’s not what you want. What you want is a really intimate and fun sex life, and you really need his help to get there.

You may need to give him some time now to grieve or to get over the deception. Take care not to get angry. I know it’s natural–“why are you so angry? I’m the one who’s been giving with sex for the last few  years without getting anything out of it!” Let him have his feelings, because you were deceptive, even if it was for what seems like a selfless reason.

Now, You Need a Sexual Reset

Now it’s time to start over, and to start learning how to experience pleasure without dissociating–without fantasizing, or faking, or going somewhere else in your head. Let’s face it: when you fake it, you can also be writing a grocery list in your head or going over your to-do list or thinking of a thousand other things. You’re not really there. And when you’re fantasizing, you’re a million miles away in your head, too.

We need to bring our heads back in the game, because we’ll never be able to experience real pleasure if we’re not fully present, in the moment.

Here’s the thing about a woman’s sex drive: if you’re lying there thinking of a thousand different things, figuring that once he hits exactly the right spot or does exactly the right thing it will bring you back to the moment and cause you to stop thinking of all of those things, you’re setting yourself up for lousy sex. Sex only feels good when we deliberately concentrate on our bodies, because our sex drives are almost entirely in our heads. When we think of everything but what’s happening, then what’s happening can’t feel good, even if he’s the best lover in the world. You need to train your brain to stay in the game.

 A sexual reset means focusing on pleasure. Here are a few ways to do that:

Ask yourself “what feels good right now?” It forces your brain to think about your body and you may realize that something’s feeling good.
You be the more aggressive one–climb on top, or manipulate your positions so that it’s feeling the best for you.
Take some time and just let him touch you, without you moving, say for 15 minutes. Learn what feels good.
Play teacher and order him around, showing him what you need him to do (most guys really like this game!)

I’d also really recommend my book 31 Days to Great Sex. It’s 31 days of challenges that you do as a couple. You read 2-4 pages a night and then you do what it says. And many of those challenges will teach you how to finally talk honestly about sex; how to discover what feels good; how to bring the tension level down in your marriage by flirting more and being more affectionate; how to try different things; how to forgive each other and feel spiritually like you’re one; and so many more! And there’s a big focus on putting the past behind you and moving forward, and you likely need that right now.

I need that!

What if you’ve just been fantasizing, and you haven’t confessed that? How do you ask him to do all these things now?

Try this:

Honey, I feel like I’ve been missing out on all that sex is, and I’d like to start a big research project where we really figure out how my body works and how we work together. I love you and I’ve had fun, but I want so much more for us. What do you say?

You can also tell him something like, “sometimes my mind wanders to sexy things I’ve seen on TV or in movies” (if that’s what you mean by ‘other guys’ rather than a specific guy), “and I want to stay totally focused on you. Can you help me?”

A Sexual Reset is Possible

It needs more honesty. It means a commitment from you to prioritize sex in your marriage; to think of sex positively; to make love more frequently (since libido is a use it or lose it thing for women). It means being giving to your husband and also giving him time to grieve. But you can get there. And if you keep emphasizing that your goal is to be totally intimate with him and have so much fun, then hopefully he’ll get on board and want to explore with you!

And, again, 31 Days to Great Sex is a great way to figure this out together, and have those hard conversations, in a lower-stress way. Plus it’s a ton of fun, and it can help awaken real passion and pleasure in you! Just read 3-5 pages a night together, and do the challenge. Each challenge builds on the previous one, bit by bit, until you feel close, you laugh, and sex starts to feel amazing!

Now let’s talk in the comments: What’s the most detrimental thing a woman can do to her sex life? How do you get over this?

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8
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My Husband Doesn’t Want to Use Birth Control

What do you do when you don’t want to get pregnant, but your husband doesn’t want birth control?

We’ve been tackling difficult sex questions all month, and here’s one I tackled a while ago, but I still get asked quite a bit. I thought it was worth re-running. 

A woman asks:

I miscarried in the fall and I don’t feel ready to get pregnant again. My husband agrees and we’ve decided to wait to try again. The issue is that he refuses to wear a condom and doesn’t want me on hormonal birth control or to use an IUD. He wants to use the” pull and pray” method and doesn’t want to use spermicide or anything. As a result I avoid sex. I deny him. Or when we do have sex I’m an emotional wreck afterwards. I don’t want to anxiously wait to see if my cycle actually arrives every month. It is just too much. Our relationship is suffering for it. I don’t know what to do.

That’s a tough one, and my answer isn’t going to focus on whether or not birth control is right or wrong. I know there are couples, both Protestant and Catholic, who feel that birth control is morally wrong. I wrote a birth control series previously, and I do think that certain methods are okay. But regardless of where you fall in this debate, I think these answers will apply to all of us.

Like this post so far? You should also check out:

Which Birth Control Method Is Right For You? A Pros and Cons Evaluation of Them All!

Can Natural Family Planning Work for You?

Sharing the Responsibility of Birth Control in Your Marriage

What Are the Pros and Cons of the Birth Control Pill?

Here are some general thoughts, in no particular order:

Before you decide anything–understand how your body’s fertility works

Honestly, you just can’t get pregnant everyday throughout the month. It doesn’t work like that. You can only get pregnant when viable sperm meets your egg when it is also viable, and that’s roughly 3-7 days a month. Now, that may sound like a lot, because if you don’t make love during your period (and most women don’t), then that’s two weeks a month that are off limits if you don’t want to get pregnant AND don’t want to use any birth control. But the fact is that’s also two weeks a month that are NOT off limits!

So get used to tracking your cycle. You can do this by taking your temperature every morning at the same time, using a digital thermometer. Get some free printable charts to track your cycle here. Now many of these sites are trying to help you get pregnant, but the principle is the same. When you know when your fertile times are, you also know when your infertile times are.

Track yourself for a few months, and you’ll get a sense of about how many days after your period starts that you ovulate. Most people are within 11-16 days. Then you just stop sex for two days before that and up to 5 after, although many sites will tell you that you really don’t have to stop for more than 3-4 days. Just read up as much on the subject as you can until you’re comfortable.

What if you don’t ovulate at the same time every month? There are other ways to check–like checking your cervical mucous.

Remember: it is physically impossible to get pregnant when there is no egg present. Get to know your body and trust your body. And many of us can FEEL when we ovulate (I hurt for about 12 hours), so three days later I’d be good to go, too.

The key to feeling relaxed about it is to get as much information as you can and then start charting. Even ask your husband to help you with this! When you know that it’s safe, you’ll feel better about making love on those times.

Now–Do you have to have sex if you don’t want to get pregnant, and he won’t help prevent pregnancy?

I’d like to think through a few principles here.

You bear the most repercussions from getting pregnant

It is your body that will have to carry the baby. It is your body that may miscarry. It is your body that will have to nurse the baby if you do get pregnant.

Yes, the baby would belong to both of you, but the repercussions for getting pregnant fall heavily on the woman. And for that reason, her feelings about getting pregnant need to factor into the birth control discussion.

And you can make a pretty strong case that Scripture tells men that they are to consider their wives’ bodies:

In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 

Ephesians 5:28

A man should be considering his wife’s body in the same way that he considers his own, which means that her desires of what to do about pregnancy should matter to him.

Can you compromise and use nothing on safe days, and condoms in the fertile window?

If you’re both just opposed to hormonal birth control and don’t like condoms, one solution is to use nothing for most of the month, and then use condoms only on your fertile days.

If condoms are out of the question, too, then you have a decision to make. You can say to your husband:

Honey, I do want to have an active sex life with you and I do want to enjoy our intimacy. But I just am not prepared to be pregnant right now, and so I’m going to have say no on these days.

And then maybe you can do other things. After all, not all sex needs to be intercourse. You can bring each other to climax another way, and still enjoy each other’s bodies.

Let’s stop saying, “Let’s leave it up to God.”

Frankly, I think that’s a cop out. And the “pull and pray” method is awfully risky. You can get pregnant with sperm that is released before ejaculation. And I think the “pray” part has rather sketchy doctrine. What you’re really saying is,

God, I want you to do something for me, but I’m not prepared to do anything myself to achieve that goal. I don’t want to be pregnant, but I also don’t want to have to exercise any self-control or bear any consequences of my actions.

So you’re not willing to do any work at all, but you’ll pray that you won’t get pregnant–and then trust God even though you’re not taking the precautions you should? Come on. Let’s be honest about what we’re doing and not spiritualize it.

Talk About Family Size and Timing

You really need to sit down and talk about family size and timing. This is a matter of mutual respect. You can’t say, “we won’t have any more kids”, but simultaneously say “but I’m not willing to do anything about it.” That’s a cop out. If this is the case in your marriage, then having some discussions with him is in order, and if that isn’t getting anywhere, talking to a third party to help you work this out is likely in order, too.

Now, I do think that it’s very problematic, and even unfair, to tell your spouse that you never want kids if they do. That’s a lot to take away from someone. But if it’s a matter of family size or timing, rather than whether to have a family at all, that’s something you need to work through.

What if you’re just disagreeing about birth control? Speak up!

Sometimes guys are morally opposed to hormonal birth control, but hate the thought of using condoms. So they say, “I don’t want to use birth control.”

But just because they don’t want to use it does not mean that you have to risk getting pregnant. Marriage involves two people, and your opinion matters as well, especially because you bear more repercussions. So it’s okay to say:

I want to have a great sex life with you, and I want to enjoy intimacy together. But I am not emotionally or physically in a place where I can handle a pregnancy. So I am not willing to have sex if we’re not using birth control. 

That is not a matter of depriving him of sex; that is a matter of setting clear boundaries. I wrote earlier, too, in my birth control series about how this birth control responsibility needs to be shared, and how this sort of thing cannot always fall on the woman. I hope that we all can think this through better!

If a man is insisting on having sex without birth control, even when you have said you don’t want to get pregnant, that can be reproductive abuse

One form of abuse is men deliberately getting their wife pregnant without their wife’s consent. Using your wife’s body in that way is not mutual and it’s not right. If your husband is insisting on this, and is not listening to your pleas, then please call an abuse hotline or talk to a professional licensed counselor. This also constitutes a form of marital rape.

You may also enjoy:

Can there be rape in marriage?
The marital rape podcast


Finally, just remember: there are never any guarantees

I don’t mean to be flippant about this, but it’s reality nonetheless.

No matter what you do, remember that you are in God’s hands. I do understand not thinking it’s responsible to have more kids, especially if you already have a bunch, if your health is at risk, if you have special needs kids already that need attention, or if there’s military deployments coming up. There certainly are legitimate reasons to want to limit your family. And sometimes you may honestly just want to be done!

But remember that if you do get pregnant, God will carry you. He will give you the strength and the resources. You are never alone.

All of us need to be content with that, because I don’t think we were ever meant to live with 100% certainty that pregnancy wouldn’t happen.

Now I’d love to know your take on this. Have you ever had this situation? Or perhaps for you it’s the opposite: you want more kids but your husband doesn’t. How did you handle that? Let me know in the comments!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8
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PODCAST EXTRAS: When Sex Problems Get Really Messy

What happens when you’ve got a problem with sex–but it’s just so convoluted and messy? 

We’ve been talking all month about sex questions you can’t ask your pastor, and our podcasts have focused on a ton of sex questions, including newlywed ones!

But this week I want to talk about more intractable problems. Like I said on Monday, so often when we have a problem with sex, it’s not JUST a problem with sex. So may other things get all wrapped up in the issue, and it’s very hard to untangle.

So on the podcast this week, Rebecca and I took a look at some super difficult sex questions–not to answer them so much as to give examples of how you can think through some of these thorny issues.

So listen to the podcast!

Listen to the Podcast Here

Browse all the Different Podcasts

See the Last “Start Your Engines” (Men’s) Podcast

And you can watch on YouTube here!

(Sorry for that big blue box in front of us. We couldn’t help it. We had to put the microphone in it. But we’re trying to figure out how to make a better sound studio for the future!)

Anyway, we tackled a bunch of really long, difficult questions, and I’m just going to summarize here (because the questions were REALLY long!

We’re newlyweds dealing with EVERYTHING–porn, erectile dysfunction, miscarriages, and more

 

I won’t write her whole question, but they’ve been married for a few months, and in that time:

They’ve suffered 2 miscarriages
She can’t reach orgasm
She has grief from a sibling dying earlier
Her husband had a porn and masturbation habit that he says ended before the marriage, but he now has ED
Her antidepressants are killing her sex drive

But they also really, really love each other!

This one was so sad! I really do feel for this young woman. The terrible levels and layers of grief that she is going through is pretty horrific. 

We used this question as an example of how you can apply my 5 steps to untangling sex problems from Monday’s post! And, again, just a note to be wise about porn induced erectile dysfunction, and to seek help for this. His erectile dysfunction may not be tied to porn, but if it’s not, that’s all the more reason to see a doctor, because ED can signal some major circulatory problems.

But if it caused by porn use, then you need to make sure the porn is in the past, and you need to work through how to rebuild healthy associations of arousal and response with real intimacy. And I hope 31 Days to Great Sex can help you do that!

Check it out!



My Husband Likes Nudity–a Lot!

Here’s an example of a question that started out fine–but then turned a little strange. A woman writes: 

We now have a bunch of kids who are past the baby stage. I expected I to be really into sex when I got to this stage,. Unfortunately, I rarely ever am in the mood. (I wasn’t in those years either.) We schedule sex two times a week now I always orgasm multiple times during foreplay and the experience is always pleasurable. Why don’t I like sex then?

My husband has an obsession with nudity. He loves to be naked himself, sleep naked, shower outside, swim naked if he can, and loves if I get naked with him inside or outside. He’s fascinated with nude art, in the past has looked up photos online of couples showering outside,
women getting massages, etc. to satisfy his thirst for it. He has a whole portfolio of naked photos he’s taken of me that he looks at every week, if not every day.

Is this normal? Am I the one that’s got a problem? I’ve become almost turned off at his naked body because it feels like he wants me to see, touch, etc. and I don’t want to. I hate this!

My big piece of advice for this question (and the next, actually) is this: If you feel something is off, it may very well be off! Go with your instinct. God may be revealing something to you.

If you seek out help, and it turns out it’s nothing, that’s okay. But I see so many red flags here that I would definitely set some clear boundaries (and maybe take those pictures he took of you away from him) and see  a licensed counselor.

3. Is it Normal if Erectile Dysfunction Comes and Goes?

 

I have become vocal about my husband being so detached and emotionally unavailable. Ironically enough, I had just realized he doesn’t consider any of my needs, sexual or otherwise, the week prior to your posts about sex and her needs, And redefining the definition of sex.

My husband has always had a lower sex drive. I have a high sex drive. Four years ago he had his testosterone levels checked and it was very low, so it made sense. He has been on testosterone supplements since. About two months ago, suddenly my husband stopped getting “morning wood” and had trouble getting erections. He promises he has never looked at porn (although when we first got married I found an abundance of porn on his computer, he says that he didn’t know about that and it had automatically donwnloaded from a website he used to download music/games.I am not a tech person, so I have no idea if this is possible) He also says he has never masturbated.

I find it odd, that out of NOWHERE he can’t get erections.  I shared my concerns with him. He told me he doesn’t know why his libido is low, and he has no interest. I asked, again, if porn, masturbation, or if he was not interested in me anymore,, or if he has cheated, and he promised me it was none of those issues. Then. two weeks later he comes home from work and we put our kiddos to bed, he is totally interested and invested in me, and had a normal erection. Sex was very pleasurable for both of us! I am so confused. 

There’s a lot more to the question (so listen in to the podcast!), but I would say again that I see some red flags here. I’ll leave it to you in the comments to see if you saw what I did!

(And erectile dysfunction CAN be intermittent; but again, I’m not sure that’s what’s happening here).

4. What about masturbation if you’re separated?

Here’s one that Rebecca and I had slightly different takes on, and I don’t think there’s an exact right answer. A woman writes (again, it’s a lot longer on the podcast!):

My husband and I recently separated due to his alcoholism and emotional and sexual abuse (of me). My deep hope is for repentance and redemption, but reality is that I have no idea what the future holds.

Since being separated, I have struggled at times with missing him and, honestly, I miss having sex. 

I have considered masturbating when I feel particularly in need of release, but I never have, because I want to determine my course of action based on what’s right, not just what feels good. Part of me thinks it would be wise to masturbate before I see him if I’m feeling particularly aroused. (For the record, we’ve never had sexual contact since separating, but I feel like my hormones cloud my judgement.) (When I say “see him,” I’m referring to church, family events, or necessary contact for our children seeing him. We are not actively working toward being reunited at this point.)

Obviously masturbation is a poor substitute for the real deal, but I don’t have any way to rightfully have that at this point. I don’t want to re-train myself toward solo sex, but I also don’t want my judgement clouded by hormones or the effects of trauma bonding.

Listen in to hear Rebecca’s reasoning, but I think this woman is wise, and is brave, and is going through a lot, and I just feel really, really badly for women (and men) in situations like these. I don’t think there are easy answers.

And now–we’re so excited to have our first podcast sponsor!

SPONSOR: When You’re Feeling Raw and Real with God

Sometimes life is just HARD. And as we were talking about on Tuesday, sometimes you need to give yourself space to get real with God about your disappointment, your struggles, and your fears.

Ann Mainse’s new devotional Coffee with Him is a 31-day journey that helps you PROCESS the grief you’re going through, whether it’s a marital separation like our letter writer or breast cancer like Ann. Whatever it is, God can handle our pain.

Check it out!

So those are our RAW and REAL questions we dealt with in today’s podcast–the weirdest podcast you’ll hear a mom-daughter duo do, although for some reason it doesn’t feel weird to us anymore.

What do you think? Did you see any red flags in these questions? Let’s talk in the comments!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8
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How Being a Breast Cancer Gene Carrier Affected One Woman’s Marriage–and Family

Some women carry a gene that makes it very likely they will develop breast cancer or ovarian cancer.

What do you do when you get that diagnosis?

Evelyn and I attended Queen’s University in Kingston together. We met in September of first year at the IVCF (Christian fellowship group) and quickly became fast friends. I switched classes to be with her in Psychology. She laughed at me drinking Coke at 9 in the morning. I laughed at her pretty much all the time–she has an amazing sense of humour.

In second year, we moved in together, with two other women. We became best friends–and we dated guys who were best friends. We spent three years together non-stop, until we were engaged the same year, and married the same year.

Keith and me leading Evelyn in to her surprise 20th birthday party.

We went to England together in July of 1991!

Evelyn and me in Cambridge, 1991

And the four of us (Evelyn and her husband Rob; me and Keith) celebrated our 25th anniversaries together.

Evelyn and I don’t talk often now, but we keep in touch. And one day last summer I texted her about something random (I forget what now) and she replied, and mentioned that she had had surgery the day before. And she told me her story. I asked her to write it up, because I was so moved by it, and I thought you all would be, too.

So here’s my friend Evelyn:

Until you hear the results, there is always hope.

No matter how well you prepare for the news, how much you expect you know the answer, there is the hope tucked away that, perhaps, you were excused from the lifelong changes that would follow.

When you get the positive result however, all that hope is gone, and you settle into the reality of what awaits you. And as disappointing as those results were, I write this note, more than a year later, and consider myself blessed.

My sister’s breast cancer diagnosis, followed by genetic testing, changed the course of history for the rest of the family.

Having tested positive for BRCA2, we knew that one of my parents was the carrier, and that my siblings and I each had a 50% chance of being a carrier (previous medical issues led me and my family to expect that I would land on the positive side).

The BRCA2 gene mutation is significant for women, in that it increases the risk of developing breast and ovarian cancer far beyond the national average. Statistically, 12% of women will develop breast cancer. This increases to close to 70% for those who carry the BRCA2 gene. The lifetime risk of ovarian cancer in the general population is less than 2% and between 10-30% with the BRCA2 mutation. As well, there is a greater risk of developing several other cancers, but not to the same extent.

Evelyn’s mom, sister, and Evelyn at the Run for the Cure the year her sister was diagnosed.

Equipped with this knowledge, and thankful that our health care system provided the opportunity, I knew that I would move ahead with prophylactic surgery and have both a full mastectomy and oophorectomy (removal of ovaries and fallopian tubes).

In August of 2019, four surgeons and 4 hours resulted in full breast removal and reconstruction. 4-5 hours after that, I was on my way home to recover.

I recognize that there are varying degrees of how one feels about their breasts.

For some, it is just part of the physical make-up, and for others it is a defining feature. I would say that I fall more into the first category – they were a part of who I was – but they did not define me. My husband and I talked through both options: did I want a mastectomy alone, or a mastectomy followed by reconstruction?

There is no right or wrong answer. It really comes down to the individual person, and how they feel they will best deal with the physical, emotional, and mental fall-out that may ensue. Having no reconstructive surgery meant no further surgeries down the road. For the most part, one surgery and done. To choose reconstruction, would mean that there may need to be further surgeries as there is a “shelf life” on implants. So although I don’t believe I am one to be defined by my breasts, my husband and I did feel that reconstructive surgery would be better for my mental health, and would remove the daily reminder that this part of my being was now different. I knew that I still needed to feel feminine, and for me (not everyone) that meant having reconstructive surgery.

I struggle with worry about my health.

That is not new for me. By the grace of God and through the prayers of many, the hours leading up to my surgery were peaceful and absent of fear.

My husband had to say good-bye and was not allowed to enter the pre-op area. I had to get gowned up (including some very stylish compression stockings), meet with a nurse and numerous doctors, while I waited the 1.5 hours until my scheduled operation time. I had a lot of time to pray; a lot of time to run through the words of powerful Christian songs that reminded me that fear has to go when God says go, and then when God tells sickness to leave it is gone. Walking the hallway to the surgery room, behind the lead surgeon and flanked by two other doctors, I jokingly asked them if they were there to catch me if I decided to bolt.

Where was fear? Gone. Where was God? Walking right beside me – pouring his grace and mercy over me and covering me in peace, calm, and ironically… humour. Waking up without the “glow in the dark” implants I had requested, although understandable, was disappointing. There were some minor complications, but the surgery was successful, and I was thankful to have significantly reduced the probability of developing breast cancer. So thankful.

The requirement to be careful post surgery is to be expected – it was amazing to have a supportive husband who can help with drainage tubes and all that entails. I love the humour of God when my husband randomly selects the “best day ever” mug for my tea the day after surgery.

The day after surgery–with Rob’s choice of tea mug.

What I was not prepared for, however, was the difficulty I had in looking down at my body.

It was hard to see myself so bruised and beaten up. Every day my husband would check the site, look for any sign of infection, increased bruising, abnormalities, etc. But I could not look at myself. There were quick glances, but it took a while before I was able to take in the “new me”. The other side effect of full reconstruction is the loss of feeling in your breasts and the topically sensitive areas near them. This had an impact on my physical relationship as I am no longer able to “feel” things the way I once could. I found that some touch felt “annoying” or irritating if it was close to one of the over-sensitized areas. I needed reassurance that I was still physically and sexually attractive to my husband (who was, and still is, a rockstar through all of this).

There are times when I forget that I have implants. I feel normal and I feel whole, but I remember when I would first go into the shower and feel like I was wearing a shirt. The sensation of water falling on my naked breasts was different than before. Laying down can still cause some initial discomfort (when I first lie on my tummy it still feels like I am lying on a couple of tennis balls). My boobs get cold. Weird – I know, but there are times when I feel them, and they are significantly chilly. The upside to all of this, is that I will be “perky” when every other part of me is seeking to be closer to the ground.

A sign Evelyn’s friends gave her after her surgery.

6 weeks after my mastectomy I went in for an oophorectomy.

Because I was 49, the future promise of no more periods was of more significance, then the disappointment I might be feeling if I was younger and no longer able to have children. The surgery itself was shorter and less invasive, but the first hours of post-op turned out to be very uncomfortable and allowed my husband and I (and probably the gentleman that was grilling my bagel on my way out of the hospital) to witness a different side of me.

Apparently, hungry and in pain are not a good combination for me.

I consider it a blessing to have my ovaries out since ovarian cancer is considered a silent killer – often by the time it is diagnosed it is too late. I do not assume that this is an easy choice for many to make. Age was a factor for me – and waiting was not recommended.

But I had had my babies. For those that are younger and having to make the choice to no longer conceive in the traditional fashion- there is more to consider. To go into early menopause is not a decision that can be taken lightly – you need to determine whether hormone therapy is right for you (especially with the BRCA mutation) – and to consider the risk factors to your heart if you choose not. All discussions to be done with the doctors who understand all the variables.

I feel blessed that I had the opportunity to have surgery.

I feel blessed that my results were favourable. My sister that had breast cancer had a different path to walk.

Now do not get me wrong. I would prefer to have not needed surgery.

I am BRCA2 positive. There is nothing I can do about that.

But what a huge blessing that I was able to have preventative surgeries to significantly reduce my risk of developing cancers that have claimed the lives of 3 maternal relatives.

I do not understand some of the fallout from all of this.

There is a 50% chance of inheriting the mutated gene if one parent is a carrier.  I have three siblings.  We all tested positive.  Since then – five in the next generation have been tested – all positive.  Of the 10 people tested– 10 are carriers.  Two of the 10 are my own daughters (and they gave me permission to share this).  How I would have loved for them to have been protected from all of this – but that wasn’t my decision to make.  I know they too are in God’s hands – and he loves them.  I am thankful that those recently diagnosed, who have not yet had surgery will have support when, and if, they decide to move in that direction.  I know God has a plan and I am content to find my peace in that fact.

Evelyn and her two daughters at her oldest daughter’s wedding, a month before Evelyn’s surgery.

2019 meant six surgeries for my sisters and me. 3 mastectomies and 3 oophorectomies. It meant a lot of waiting for appointments, tests, and results.

Evelyn, her two sisters, and her mom–after a combined 6 surgeries.

I was looking forward to 2020 and moving beyond what was 2019. As it turns out, 2020 has proved to be an interesting year all on its own.

Each of us have our own story. I am happy to tell mine – even if it helps just one other person to walk their road with greater comfort or confidence.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 says, “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.”

If you want to reach out to talk to someone who has been there, I am happy to be here in the comments for you. I have learned to accept support and grace during a time when I needed it. I have come to understand how God was already caring for me 13 years before I was diagnosed. I found hope in an uncertain time. I am blessed.

Have you ever had a diagnosis like this that changed everything for you? Let’s talk in the comments!