Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 51

Audio Books, FREE Video Studies, and More!

The summer’s winding down, and some of us are starting to plan for the fall!

I know some of my American friends have children already in school (which is so weird to this Canadian, where we never start until after Labour Day!), but I have a few fun things to share with you today.

First, I’ve written a whole bunch of books, as many of you know. 31 Days to Great Sex re-released in July, with an expanded, all-new edition. The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex is awesome for any woman who wants to understand more about sex in marriage–and especially great for engaged women!

And 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage best encapsulates all my marriage advice here on the blog in one very readable book. In fact, many people have told me it’s their favourite of all my books!

And as of this summer, all three are available in audio format! It used to be you could only get The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, but now they’re all right there. And if you buy either of the two sex ones, you’ll even hear me narrating it! (and with 31 Days to Great Sex, I actually narrated it in my closet, just like the latest podcasts that you can see on YouTube. (You can also listen to them as usual in all your podcast platforms!).

Because of COVID, we couldn’t hire a recording studio, so we made do. And it actually turned out quite well.

Maybe you’re not the reading type. Or maybe you have a lot of time on your hands when you could listen to books, like when exercising, working in the kitchen, commuting and driving in your car–whenever! You may want to read more, but you may not have the time. But here’s a way to capture some time and put it to good use.

Let me hear it!









Let me hear it!









Let me hear it!



















And then there’s Why I Didn’t Rebel, which is perfect for audio!

Rebecca’s book Why I Didn’t Rebel, which we talked about last week when we were discussing what the research says on spanking, is filled with stories from her in-depth interviews with other millennials that help show what parenting practices help kids stay close to their parents and adopt good values, and what ones often push kids away. It’s so filled with stories you’ll love listening!

Let me hear it!



But I also have some FREE book studies that you can use!

Whether you want to work through the books yourself, or you want to use The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex or 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage in a group study, I’ve got some help for you!

9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage is a video-based study that can be done in either a 6-week format or an 8-week format (both are available). And it’s free to use! The videos are around 10-12 minutes each, summarizing the chapter, or chapters, and adding some of my thoughts.

The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex is a study to do on your own or in a group. It doesn’t have video, but does have questions, journaling prompts, ideas of how to promote discussion in the group in a safe way, and more!

Take me to the courses!



I don’t always take the time to remind you all of what else is available, so I thought I’d do so today.

And do sign up for my email list, too, where you’ll get extra information, access to a ton of freebies in my resource library, and more!

We’re working on some more courses as we speak, and we’ll have a fun group guide that will go along with The Great Sex Rescue when it launches as well. So stay on the email list to keep up to date, and check out those audio books, too, now that they’re available!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8
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The PERIOD Series: What Do You Do About Sex During Your Period?

Do you have sex during your period? Or is sex during your period off of the table?

We’re in the middle of our series on periods! We’ve talked about the shame that some of us felt as teens; we’ve talked about how men can be more empathetic and aware of periods; and we’ve talked about when your period isn’t normal and you should seek help.

But mostly on this blog I talk about marriage and sex, so I thought we should dedicate at least one post to sex during your period!

How do most women feel about sex during their period?

It doesn’t really matter how MOST women feel. What matters is YOU.

From the research I’ve done, about 15-20% of women have sex during their periods pretty much like normal. Some women even say the sex is better, likely because they’re more sensitive with the increased blood flow

But the other 80% don’t. For some it’s an “ick” factor, which you could get over, if you wished to (and if he wished to). But for a substantial number it’s because the idea of it seems so off-putting based on how they’re feeling. When you’re super crampy, or you’ve got a very heavy flow which is making you hyper-sensitive in a bad way, the thought of anything touching there can be awful.

My take? If you both would like to have sex during your period, and you’re both comfortable with it, there’s nothing saying you shouldn’t. Get a towel under you, certainly DON’T wear a tampon at the same time, but have at it! And if you don’t want to have intercourse, but want to bring each other to orgasm in other ways, there’s no reason not to do that.

One caution, though: During orgasm, a menstruating woman can release more blood than usual, as your muscles push out, so to speak. So if you think you’re done and you’re only spotting, right after sex, you may have an additional mini-gush. Just be prepared!

However, if you don’t want to have sex during your period, that’s fine, too.

In the Old Testament Law, couples were supposed to abstain during her period

Women were considered “unclean” then, which has a rather unfortunate connotation that there’s something inherently shameful about being a woman. I see it more as they literally are unclean, in a land and time when fresh running water was hard to come by, and it was largely a hygienic thing.

But regardless, it was expected that couples would abstain.

If, then, you would like to abstain, no problem. God already expected men to abstain for those days; it’s okay if you ask your husband to because your body is making you uncomfortable for a time.

Going shopping?

Use my link to support this blog!

What makes me very uncomfortable is how much some Christian marriage books tells women they must provide sexual favors during their periods

For the last few months, Rebecca and Joanna and I have been working on The Great Sex Rescue, our new book coming out in the spring with Baker. Based on our survey of 20,000 Christian women, it looks at the Christian teachings that have hurt women’s sexual response, decreased marital satisfaction, or increased sexual pain. We also looked at the top 15 marriage and sex books and saw which ones propagated these teachings.

And we were honestly dismayed by how the books handled women’s periods.

Most of the books taught a 72-hour rule, where men needed to be given sexual release every 72 hours or they would lust and be tempted to watch porn or have an affair. 

While I’m all in favour of a frequent sex life, that 72 hour rule is ridiculous, and certainly should not apply during one’s period. It’s far more important to figure out what you want as a couple.

We also found that if women enjoy sex and regularly orgasm, the frequency issue takes care of itself. We’re going on and on about frequency, when really what we should be going on and on about is how to make sex feel good for her–as Rebecca and I talked about in last week’s podcast!

But what really made us upset was that authors considered this 72 hour rule to be true even during the postpartum phase or her period. The husband just couldn’t be expected to wait for when his wife could enjoy sex, too. She owed him sexual favors regardless, because sex was seen as his right and his entitlement, and sexual release was the aim, rather than actual intimacy.

It honestly broke our hearts.

The Every Man’s Battle series was definitely the worst culprit, although Power of a Praying Wife said similar things. But even Sheet Music chimed in!

The most difficult time for this man [who was tempted by porn] was during his wife’s period, because she was unavailable to him sexually. After about ten years, she finally realized that pleasing her husband with oral sex or a simple “hand job” did wonders to help her husband through that difficult time.(49)

Kevin Leman

Sheet Music

Notice how he frames her period as a difficult time for the husband, rather than for the wife. When you read the stories of pain and cramping and heavy bleeding that have been in the comments all month, this is astronomically insensitive.

And here’s another:

There are times for whatever reason that a wife may choose to make use of what younger men affectionately refer to as “hand jobs”. A woman with heavy periods that last six or seven days, or who has just gotten through a pregnancy, or perhaps is simply not feeling her best, may genuinely feel that sex is more than she can handle. But with a minimum of effort, she can help her husband who feels like he’s about ready to climb the walls because it’s been so long. (p. 206)

Kevin Leman

Sheet Music

Now, if a wife wants to give a sexual favor (or if she wants to brought to orgasm by her husband, too), there is absolutely nothing wrong with that–as long as it is freely entered into. But setting up the expectation that this is an obligation is terrible, and will hurt how she sees sex (and we have the numbers to prove it–this lowers orgasm, increases sexual pain, and hurts marital satisfaction, as we’ll show in our upcoming book.)

You may also enjoy:

Why we need a new definition of sex
The “obligation sex” and marital rape podcast
Godly sex is mutual sex
Am I obligated to give him sexual favors when I can’t have sex?


Can we call for Christian leaders to present sex as a mutual, intimate giving rather than an entitled taking?

Can we set up the expectation that sex should be freely entered into by both parties, and if it’s not freely entered into, then we should get to the root of the issue and honor each other, rather than guilting or manipulating someone into sex?

Can we set up the expectation that BOTH spouses would be giving towards each other? That includes the lower drive spouse working on embracing intimacy and passion at every level, so that the marriage can be a passionate one. But it also involves men giving their wives grace during times that God designed our bodies to not be available for intercourse?

I completely believe that sex is a vital part of a marriage, and I’m all for encouraging couples to figure out that sex piece!

If you’re having trouble looking forward to sex, check out Boost Your Libido! Work through 31 Days to Great Sex together and have those awesome conversations about what you both need to feel passionate, and what makes sex feel good for both of you. Read The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex and learn how God made women to be passionate, too. Or just take a look at this blog!

Are you TIRED of always being too tired for sex?

Do you yearn to actually WANT to make love–and figure out what all the fuss is about?

There is a way! And in this 10-module course I take you through what libido is (it may surprise you!), what affects libido, and how we can reclaim the excitement that God made us for.

Tell me more!

No one can accuse me of saying that sex isn’t important.

But when we turn sex into simply sexual release that women are obligated to give their husbands regardless of how they are feeling, and when mutuality is completely off the table, we diminish sex and we miss the point entirely. 

Please, Christians, let’s call each other to more.

What do you think? Do you enjoy sex during her period? Is it asking too much to ask men to abstain during her period or in the postpartum phase? Let’s talk in the comments!

Our Period Series:

All about Periods, Going to the Beach, and Teenage Embarrassment
How Can We Help Boys/Men Be More Sensitive about Girls' Periods?
The Period Podcast!
When Should You Call the Doctor about Your Period?
What Should You Do About Sex During Your Period? 
Why We Love Diva Cups (August 24)
10 Things to Know about Old Testament Laws and Periods (August 25)






















Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8
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What Does the Research Say about Spanking?

Does research really say that spanking is bad for kids?

We’ve had an interesting week on the blog, where we’ve talked about periods, sex, homeschooling, and so much more!

But I want to revisit Rebecca’s post on Wednesday about how we shouldn’t be spanking babies, despite what many Christian books (like To Train Up a Child or Shepherding a Child’s Heart) may say.

Some of you may not know this, but Rebecca has written a book called Why I Didn’t Rebel: A 22-year-old explains why she stayed on the straight and narrow (and why your kids can, too). She looked at the research about what made it more or less likely that kids will rebel, and then she interviewed dozens of millennials, some of whom had rebelled and some who hadn’t, and looked at commonalities. She was specifically looking at how sometimes the advice that we’re taught in many Christian parenting books actually doesn’t work, because it’s focused on trying to change outward behaviour rather than trying to build relationship so you can impact godly character.

It’s honestly a great book!

Let me see more about it!

In researching Why I Didn’t Rebel, Rebecca looked a lot at the big studies on spanking, and talked to professors who had spent their careers looking at the research, and doing research themselves.

After our conversation on Wednesday, a few people on Facebook raised what’s a common question whenever we bring up spanking. I’ll paraphrase, because a number of people said this. But it tends to go like this:

I was spanked when I was younger, and I have a great relationship with my parents. And none of my siblings rebelled, either! In fact, I can’t think of another discipline technique that would have worked on me. Sometimes spanking is the best option.

Rebecca left a great reply, and I’d like to post it here so that we can all see it, and comment on it:

What research says is that spanking leads to either negative outcomes or neutral outcomes–many kids are spanked and are totally fine! The same way that if you never wore a seat belt, it is very possible that you would never get hurt.

BUT, we know that wearing a seat belt is wise because we can prevent serious damage. So we wear a seat belt, even if we’ve personally never been in a car crash. Because the stats say that you have a higher likelihood of dying if you don’t, similarly, the research says your kids have a higher likelihood of aggression, mood disorders, poor relationship with parents, and other externalizing behaviors if you spank. Not everyone will, but the chances are higher.

Additionally, among families who did spank who had kids who had good relationships with their parents, research suggests that it’s not the spanking that helped–rather, they have good relationships with their parents DESPITE the spanking. So likely the homes overall were warm, loving, nurturing, and the introduction of spanking wasn’t enough to overcome those protective factors. But if a little bit of poison doesn’t make you ill because the rest of your diet is really really good, you still don’t need to ingest the poison. Also, there are usually other disciplining forms at use in these families that mean that even if spanking wasn’t used, they likely would have turned out fine and been well-behaved children.

The fact that there are families who spanked who turned out great does not negate the research with hundreds of thousands of participants that found that overall, spanking is an unnecessary risk that, at best, leads to neutral outcomes and has not been found–even when done “correctly” (not in anger, only when the child is of certain ages, only with an open palm, etc.)–to help strengthen parent-child bonds or lead to lower rates of unwanted behaviours in children and adolescents.

It is worth noting that other parenting practices have been found to not only avoid negative outcomes but actually promote positive ones, so there are research-based alternatives.

And I’ve got 10 ideas on how to discipline without spanking here!

But swatting babies can teach them things, right?

Another thought came up repeatedly over the last few days, and one commenter summed it up well:

When my baby started crawling she wanted to put her fingers in the plug sockets. I sat next to her and said no and took her hands away. She looked at me and slowly reached for the socket again. I flicked her fingers with my hand and said no again. She pulled away from the socket in shock. After that she never tried it again. And she understood what no meant. Pain given in love is not evil. Don’t be led by the world’s wisdom. God inflicts pain on those He loves. “He who spares his rod [of discipline] hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines diligently and punishes him early.” [Prov. 19:18; 22:15; 23:13; 29:15, 17.]

Here was my reply, which I’m elaborating on a little bit for this post:

What you’re explaining is called operant conditioning. You’re not teaching obedience (babies can’t understand at that age); what you’re teaching is compliance.

Operant conditioning makes a behaviour more or less likely based on what the kid will get out of it. It’s not a moral choice, and when it’s with a punishment involved (like pain) it’s a fear-based avoidance behaviour to prevent the pain from happening.

Flicking a baby’s hands or swatting a baby teaches that baby that reaching for the socket brings pain. But because the baby is too young to do any kind of moral reasoning or even obedience, what this does is teach babies that mommy gives pain at certain times, without understanding why. That can be difficult for a baby to process, especially if there isn’t a lot of acceptance and joy in the rest of the relationship. If the relationship is otherwise a loving and healthy one, it likely won’t do much harm, and may end up neutral.

But remember that babies can’t make a moral choice to obey before two. When a baby “obeys” before that, it’s not that they’re doing something right; they’ve simply been conditioned to expect pain. They “obey” out of fear. They’ve learned that people in the world are not safe.

That’s not what God means by obedience. Godly obedience is understanding that there are two choices, and deciding to do the right thing intentionally. This is something else altogether. So we have to ask ourselves: What is it that we want our babies to learn about the world?

And in the light socket example, I’d just simply buy those light socket protectors and baby-proof it!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

What we often miss in this conversation about discipline is the other side: how to engage with your kids.

The other problem with focusing so much of our parenting life on how to curb behaviour and how to discipline or punish kids is that we ignore the other half: how to actually engage with your kids, talk to your kids, interact with your kids. When we spend time with our kids and talk to them and help get them engaged in what’s going on around them, they learn so much. And they also form relationships with you so that they feel safe and they want to do what’s right. Really, this side of it is just as important, if not more important, than discipline (let alone punishment) and yet we so rarely talk about it.

That’s what Rebecca found in Why I Didn’t Rebel, too. We focus so much on rules for our teens, when what they really need is to be able to talk to us.

If you’re struggling with this idea of engaging rather than just punishing, can I suggest two resources?

I absolutely love the book Discipline that Connects with Your Child’s Heart by Jim and Lynne Jackson.

Let me see more about it!

And then, if your kids are older, say 9 and up, take a look at Why I Didn’t Rebel (although it’s a great read even if your kids are younger, too, to start thinking about the relationship you want with them when they’re teens!)

You can teach your baby “no” without abusing them.

(Hitting a baby is abuse in Canada, and I refuse to call it anything else). Alex had a BAD biting problem when he was eating where he would grind his gums together and it was absolutely excruciating. So anytime he did it I said “no” firmly and we stopped feeding. We went and played for 10 minutes and then I offered him milk again. It took a few days, but within a week he had stopped biting me because biting didn’t lead to the desired outcome: milk. He did not suddenly think, “Huh, I must be doing something mom doesn’t want me to do when I bite her, so maybe I’ll try not biting her instead.” He was not capable of that complex of a thought at the time. Instead, it was very simple. He tried X and wanted to see what it would give him. X failed to give him good outcomes and instead led to the loss of good things. X no longer became something his little brain wanted to do.

Spanking is not the only way to discipline difficult children.

I talked extensively with a doctor of psychology who works with incredibly severe behavioural disorders in children on a daily basis. She also teaches parenting psychology at the PhD level at one of the best psychology schools in Canada and runs a part of the practicum program for students training to do what she does. She deals with incredibly difficult children–“strong willed” wouldn’t begin to describe it. She has a multitude of evidence-based parenting and behavioural management strategies she uses that WORK as long as the parent is invested and involved. You know what isn’t on her list of tools? Spanking. If she can get kids with diagnosed behavioural issues to behave–even ones who have been expelled from multiple schools–without spanking them, I find it hard to believe that there is literally no other option but spanking for children who are strong-willed or stubborn. Rather, I encourage parents to humbly talk to a parenting psychologist. This is what they do, and odds are your kid will seem like a piece of cake compared to some of their clients. Read books on parenting from evidence-based approaches. Ask for help for non-abusive and non-spanking parenting techniques. Look into cognitive development research so that you understand how your child’s brain works and you get ahead of the problem. If your 10-month-old is poking her fingers into electrical sockets, the answer is not to hit her–the answer is to cover the sockets.

Non-spanking parenting techniques are, frankly, harder and take more time and effort.

Spanking gets results. You hit your child, the child stops what they are doing. But as a parent, it is not your job to find the easiest path to compliance. It is our job as parents to do what is best for our child, even if it means it takes more from us. It is not right to expose your child to something that has been shown to lead to a much greater risk of mental health issues, lower quality familial bonds, and externalizing behaviours if it is unnecessary. And it is unnecessary. So please, do the research, look at other options, and don’t be willing to go with the easy option that’s potentially going to harm your kid. Because is that a risk you really want to take, if there are other options that work that don’t carry the risk?

Rebecca Lindenbach

What if I told you that not all teenagers rebel?

And what if I told you that a lot of typical parenting advice makes rebellion more likely?

I interviewed 25 young adults, trying to figure out what made them rebel or not.

Here's what I found!



















I hope that helps clarify how to think about spanking.

It’s really about the aim–do we want to connect with our kids and shape character and teach them about God, or do we want to simply change behavior? Because when we do things based on physical force, it’s really about control and fear, not about molding character. If you’re a good parent and you have a good relationship, you can usually withstand it. But it’s DESPITE the spanking, not BECAUSE of it. And there are alternatives!

So now let me know: has your thinking about spanking changed in the last few years? What do you think about it? Let’s talk in the comments!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8
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PODCAST: Whose Responsibility Is it That She Enjoys Sex?

If a woman isn’t enjoying sex, is the husband to blame?

We received a comment recently from a woman whose husband has been listening to our Start Your Engines men’s podcasts, where we’ve been talking about the importance of foreplay. And he was becoming sad, because he felt like we were saying that it’s his responsibility to make sure that she feels good.

So today Rebecca and I tackled this in our podcast! Or rather, I should say Rebecca went on some epic rants that you really just have to hear!

Listen to the Podcast Here

Browse all the Different Podcasts

See the Last “Start Your Engines” (Men’s) Podcast

And we’ve got our podcast on YouTube now, too, so you can watch it!

 

(And, yes, we’re filming this in my closet again. The sound is really good in there. We’re working at making the sound better in Rebecca’s office, but we’re not done with the foam squares yet!)

Anyway, I don’t want to sum up the podcast entirely, but I will give a few thoughts.

She is responsible for getting herself in a positive frame of mind about sex

Sometimes the way that we think about sex gets us into negative territory–like we’re not even neutral towards sex; we’re actively negative towards it.

There’s little that men can do about that (except for the concept of emotional labor and mental load! Guys do need to understand that!).

But we’ve written a TON about that, and we’ve even created courses on it, like our Boost Your Libido course.

Are you TIRED of always being too tired for sex?

Do you yearn to actually WANT to make love–and figure out what all the fuss is about?

There is a way! And in this 10-module course I take you through what libido is (it may surprise you!), what affects libido, and how we can reclaim the excitement that God made us for.

Tell me more!

And we do need to give ourselves positive messages about sex, and these may help:

10 Positive things to tell yourself about sex
How to Awaken Love–or at least stop feeling as if you’re broken

And you can sign up for my 5-step sex pep talk! It’s an email sequence to help you see sex in a positive way, and it’s totally FREE.

So as you can see, I have written a LOT on how to help women see sex in a positive way.

In fact, that was really my goal in writing The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, too! Get rid of all the negative messages and the shame that we hear about sex, and understand that God made sex for you, too.

But when it comes to sex actually feeling good–well, he’s the one most responsible for that. 

He can do everything right, and if she’s got negative shame messages yelling in her brain, she won’t feel good and she won’t want sex.

But at the same time, if she’s raring to go, there’s only so much she can do to make sex feel good for her. He needs to take the reins on this one. There’s no getting away from it.

And we don’t think that this should be cause for a guy to be sad (as this commenter said her husband was). It shouldn’t be cause for a guy to feel defeated. It should be an honour to make your wife feel wonderful!

Just a few posts that we’ve written about this:

Why women’s sexual pleasure matters (there should be fireworks)
We Need a New Definition of Sex (that includes women’s experience; not just intercourse)
Godly sex is mutual sex
The theology of the clitoris
The theology of the penis

And so, so much more!

And if this is a challenge for you, 31 Days to Great Sex helps you figure out what feels good for her, step by step. It confronts the lies she’s believed about sex (and the lies he’s believed), and it helps you figure out what arouses her and how she feels pleasure.

I won’t write anymore, because you have to hear Rebecca’s rantings! But just because a wife needs a husband’s help to enjoy sex does not mean that he has a reason to mourn or to feel sad because it’s not as “natural” for her. This is the way God made our bodies. God wants men to serve their wives and to be sensitive to their wives. This is an opportunity to serve and to see the pleasure you can bring your wife, and that’s a good thing, not a bad thing!

What do you think? Does your husband get frustrated that he’s got to make you feel good? Or, if you’re a guy, how do you feel about this? Let’s talk in the comments!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8
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Can Christians Please Stop Talking about Disciplining Babies?

My 9-month-old baby boy is a handful.

It’s Rebecca here on the blog today! And let me tell you–my baby is a bubbly, jiggly, giggly little handful, but he is a handful. He learned how to climb stairs 4 months before he “should,” he figured out how to climb onto the couch before he could even put himself into a sitting position, and he takes two grown adults to change his more challenging diapers because he flails and rolls around so much.

I absolutely adore him. And he is a lot to manage.

Most of my pictures of him look like this because I can’t get him to stop moving for more than 5 seconds:

My baby boy is a handful. And I am loving it.

But something that I realized the other day is that my baby boy–that innocent, happy, giggly boy–is of “spanking” age in many Christian resources. In fact, according to books like To Train Up a Child, I should have been spanking him for 2.5 months already. 

Just listen to some of these excerpts from Christian parenting books (that were used among many in my own social circle growing up). The first, To Train Up a Child, was written by the same family that wrote Created to Be His Helpmeet, that we talked about recently. The second, by Ted Tripp, has sold millions of copies and is quite well-respected:

A seven-month-old boy had, upon failing to get his way, stiffened clenched his fists, bared his toothless gums and called down damnation on the whole place. At a time like that, the angry expression on a baby’s face can resemble that of one instigating a riot. The young mother, wanting to do the right thing, stood there in helpless consternation, apologetically shrugged her shoulders and said, “What can I do?” My incredulous nine-year-old whipped back, “Switch him.” The mother responded, “I can’t, he’s too little.” With the wisdom of a veteran who had been on the little end of the switch, my daughter answered, “If he is old enough to pitch a fit, he is old enough to be spanked.” (p. 79)
Any spanking, to effectively reinforce instruction, must cause pain, but the most pain is on the surface of bare skin where the nerves are located. A surface sting will cause sufficient pain, with no injury or bruising. Select your instrument according to the child’s size. For the under one year old, a little, ten- to twelve-inch long, willowy branch (striped of any knots that might break the skin) about one-eighth inch diameter is sufficient. Sometimes alternatives have to be sought. A one-foot ruler, or its equivalent in a paddle, is a sufficient alternative. For the larger child, a belt or larger tree branch is effective. (p. 47, 1st edition)
On the bare legs or bottom, switch him eight or ten licks; then, while waiting for the pain to subside, speak calm words of rebuke. If the crying turns to a true, wounded, submissive whimper, you have conquered; he has submitted his will. If the crying is still defiant, protesting and other than a response to pain, spank him again. (p. 80)
She then administers about ten slow, patient licks on his bare legs. He cries in pain. If he continues to show defiance by jerking around and defending himself, or by expressing anger, then she will wait a moment and again lecture him and again spank him. When it is obvious he is totally broken , she will hand him the rag and very calmly say, “Johnny, clean up your mess.” He should very contritely wipe up the water. (p. 62, 17th edition)

To Train Up a Child

(find more damaging quotes at the website Why Not Train Up a Child.)

I hope we would all agree that’s beyond the pale, and that To Train Up a Child is a child abuse manual. But even more mainstream Christian books say very similar things–that you must defeat your child, break them, that your child is evil, etc.

The child’s problem is not an information deficit. His problem is that he is a sinner. There are things within the heart of the sweetest little baby that, allowed to blossom and grow to fruition, will bring about eventual destruction……
When your child is old enough to resist your directives, he is old enough to be disciplined. When he is resisting you, he is disobeying…. Rebellion can be something as simple as an infant struggling against a diaper change or stiffening out his body when you want him to sit in your lap. (p. 154)
“A young child does not give proper weight to words alone. His attention is secured when those words are punctuated by a sound spanking.”

Ted Tripp

Shepherding a Child's Heart

Again, Christian books say that this little baby:

needs to have his spirit broken. If I take the advice of these books, I am to see this beautiful baby boy as a sinful being, with every time he throws a fit, rolls when I’m changing his diaper, or tries to stand when I want him to sit on my lap as further proof that he is damned and controlled by an innately evil spirit.

Take a second again and look at that baby boy. That smiling baby boy with banana on the side of his face. He, apparently, needs to be broken.

You may also enjoy:

Top 10 ways to discipline without spanking
Why you don’t have to tell your children they’re dirty, rotten sinners


I believe that much of this horrific, evil parenting advice which has caused so many Christian parents to go astray is, at its heart, the result of utter ignorance, pride, and a lust for power. 

When Alex bites me while breastfeeding, he is not trying to cause pain. He’s just trying to soothe his aching gums and he doesn’t understand that his actions affect me. If I beat him with a switch, I may get him to stop biting me. But I would also destroy a part of him by punishing him for something that is developmentally appropriate. What I am telling him is “Who you are is bad/wrong–you can never know when pain is coming (because babies don’t have the ability to understand actions and consequence in a future-thinking capacity yet), but sometimes you will simply get hit because you, at the core of who you are, are bad.”

When Alex pulls my hair too hard he’s not trying to be disobedient, even if I say “no.” He simply doesn’t have the executive functioning capacity to control his impulses yet, and frankly, if I didn’t want my hair pulled I should have been the adult and not let him play with it (it’s just so cute to see how much he likes to pet it!). By hitting him for doing so, I would add so much confusion and betrayal because his mommy, the person who gives him food and love and comfort and on whom he is fully dependent, hurt him and he doesn’t know why. He doesn’t have a choice but to love me; and the person he must love for survival hurts him.

A baby not doing what you want him or her to do is not disobeying, is not sinning, is not disrespecting your authority.

He is being a baby. And being a baby is not wrong.

But I think that many of these parenting false-teachers have substituted a desire for power and control for education in cognitive development. Instead of taking time and humbly asking, “Am I wrong here? Is this normal?” they instead work towards complete domination of their children because of their lust for power. The goal is not actually to have good kids–the goal is to have children who obey.

(As a side note, do you know who are often the most compliant children, so much so that it’s a major red flag teachers look out for? Sexually abused children. Compliance does not mean you have succeeded as a parent.)

But the problem is that they take this lust for domination and dress it up in Christianese so that parents who want to please God get seduced by their holy-sounding teaching and tricked into following them. This is why being a teacher holds so much weight and why we are constantly warned against false teachers in the New Testament; you can permanently alter the course of someone’s life by what you teach. I believe there are many parents who were overly harsh or strict or punitive with their children simply because the advice they were given was wrong, but they didn’t know there was an alternative. If they had read developmentally-appropriate materials, things may have been very different. But the false teachers got to them first, and they sounded the “holiest.” 

And if that is you, I am so sorry. I am so incredibly sorry.

I am sorry you didn’t get to gaze in wonder at your child and simply revel in their innocence and praise God that this is a child that will grow up knowing Jesus at the core of his being.

I am sorry you didn’t get to laugh at all the baby blunders and toddler-isms that are labeled as evil but are simply signs that they are learning.

I am sorry you felt you had to break your child’s spirit, this beautiful soul that you created and nurtured and loved, because fear of failing them was instilled in you to such a degree that you saw your own child’s spirit as a threat to their salvation, not a gift from God to celebrate (even the difficult ones).

I am sorry if you look back now at how you parented and you are filled with regret, or you wish you knew what you know now.

I am sorry that it is not only your child’s innocence that was taken, but also yours.

What if I told you that not all teenagers rebel?

And what if I told you that a lot of typical parenting advice makes rebellion more likely?

I interviewed 25 young adults, trying to figure out what made them rebel or not.

Here's what I found!



















Our children are not spirits to be broken, but hearts to nurture and encourage and love.

Of course kids will misbehave. And of course, discipline is important so that they learn what the boundaries are. But spanking a baby is never OK, spanking a baby is never necessary, and spanking a baby is never beneficial. (In fact, there are many theological perspectives that argue against spanking and modern research is fully against spanking as punishment. Many of my professors in university who work with severe behavioural disorders treated them without ever implementing spanking once. I would argue that if it’s not mandatory in the Bible, if research says it harms more than it helps, and if the worst of the worst behaviours can be curbed without spanking, there is literally no reason to do so.)

I suggest that we, as the body of Christ, denounce the teaching that children’s spirits need to be broken and instead turn to Jesus’s words: “Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” Jesus didn’t think that children were at risk of eternal damnation simply because they were evil to their core and needed to be broken–he says that the kingdom of heaven already belongs to them. Children do not need to be wrangled to follow Christ, they are running towards them and it’s our job to not HINDER them. That is so incredibly different than how books like the ones above see children.

Jesus doesn’t want to break your child’s spirit. Jesus celebrates your child, Jesus is standing there with arms wide open and your job, as a parent, is to foster that joyful running towards Jesus. Not hit your child for standing when you want him to sit. Not spank your child for rolling away during a diaper change. Not switch your child for crawling off a blanket you’d rather he stay on. No, your job is to not hinder your little one as he or she runs towards Christ.

My baby boy is not a spirit to be broken. My baby boy is a gift to be treasured.

Yes, we are working on “no” when he tries to roll off the change table because he’s seriously a risk to himself. And yes, we’re hoping he gains his fear of heights soon so he stops trying to swan dive off the couch. But our son is not a dirty rotten sinner at 9 months old. Instead, here is what I pray over my son every night before he goes to sleep:

May he grow up to be one who defends and protects others as he walks in the light of Christ. May he always know you, love you, and know he is loved and known by you. Thank you, God, for the blessing Alex is to us and for the privilege of being his mommy.

Because it truly is a privilege, even if he pulls my hair.

When we were talking about this post, my mother (Sheila) and I came across Alanis Morisette’s new song, Ablaze. It’s a love song to her three children, the youngest of whom is the same age as my son Alex.

The point of her song?

My mission is to keep the light in your eyes ablaze.

Watch her perform it here with her toddler stealing the show (and watch how she just loves her daughter):

The contrast is stunning:

You must break your child’s spirit.
My mission is to keep the light in your eyes ablaze.

Which sounds more like Jesus?

Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”

Matthew 19:14

May we all as parents strive to keep the light in our children’s eyes ablaze.

What do you think? Why is it that so much Christian parenting literature ignores child development? What can we do? Let’s talk in the comments!

Rebecca Lindenbach

Blog Contributor, Author, and Podcaster

Rebecca Lindenbach is a psychology graduate, Sheila’s daughter and the author of Why I Didn’t Rebel. Working alongside her husband Connor, she develops websites focusing on building Jesus-centered marriages and families. Living the work-from-home dream, they take turns bouncing their new baby boy, and appeasing their curmudgeonly rescue Yorkshire terrier, Winston. ENTJ, 9w8. Check out Why I Didn't Rebel, or follow her on Instagram!
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Thinking about Homeschooling During COVID? 6 Things to Know (that will calm you down!)

With COVID still spreading, many parents are playing around with the idea of homeschooling this year.

I know this isn’t normally what I talk about on this blog, but I did homeschool both of my girls all the way through, from kindergarten to graduating high school. Both went on to university. Both are very bright and accomplished. And we honestly loved homeschooling.

My girls with a “stone age” project

So I have some things I’d like to share that can hopefully calm some fears and give parents a new perspective. To my regular readers: Thanks for having patience with me today! And share this, too, because others may really need to read it!

1. Think about this year as making sure your kids have a great educational foundation

Basic numeracy and literacy skills are a near universal prerequisite for success in life. You need to be able to read and write well, and have basic reading comprehension. And you need to be able to understand basic math and do basic math.

However, kids are not guaranteed to master basic literacy and numeracy just because they attend school. In fact, many things that are foundational to good math skills or reading skills are no longer stressed in many schools.

I don’t want to get into a critique of the school system, but suffice it to say that many kids are graduating high school without being able to do basic math in their head, and without strong reading skills, largely because they skipped foundational steps. Instead of being taught phonics well, or instead of being taught to memorize the times tables or the addition and subtraction facts, other things were emphasized. I’m amazed at how many young cashiers can’t make change, or how many kids have atrocious spelling.

And that too easily can hold you back in later life.

So if you are considering homeschooling for a year to avoid COVID, then think of this as the year when you can make the foundations of your kids’ education strong.

You can make sure math facts are memorized. You can do a rigorous phonics program with them or a great grammar or writing program. This could be the year that they catch up on some building blocks they’ve been missing, which will allow them to sail through in the years ahead.

When kids fall behind in one grade, it snowballs in future grades. If you never know 7×8=56 in your head, then it makes complex math problems more difficult once you get to high school. They keep getting further and further behind.

Strengthen the foundation, though, and the rest of school becomes much easier! This could be the year that you get everything caught up, or even ahead, so that they can succeed later.

And honestly–I cannot recommend Saxon Math curriculum enough. It’s so comprehensive, it helps drill kids with the basics, and they truly understand math afterwards. I used it all the way through with our kids and it was awesome. In the younger grades, you start everyday with mental math, counting coins, telling the temperature, telling the time, using a 100 numbers chart, and counting by sequences. Do that everyday–and they’ll GET it.

Check out Saxon Math on Amazon!



2. To succeed in high school, they only need these two basic things

We were always told that to do well in high school, kids only need two basic things:

They need to know basic math, including memorizing all addition/subtraction/multiplication/division facts up to 12, and working with fractions
They need to be able to write a decent paragraph, with proper spelling and grammar, that consists of a topic sentence, three supporting sentences, and a concluding sentence.

That’s it. Really.

Sure, it’s great if they know the different parts of a bug, or what happened in the Egyptian empire, or the main articles of the constitution. But it’s not necessary, and it’s very easy to learn those things from books quickly later. If they can do math in their head, and they know fractions, and if they know enough spelling and grammar to write a decent paragraph, then they can take those skills and use them to do well in history, and science, and English, and more. But if they don’t know these things, writing a book report, or figuring out Biology experiments, or doing Algebra will be that much more difficult.

When we homeschooled, we spent a lot of time on History and Science and Poetry and more because we wanted to. We taught them Latin. They did Art History, too. But in the end, what put them in good stead was a solid grasp of math and grammar. With that, they could then apply those basic skills to everything else.

Instead of panicking that you’ll never teach your kids everything they’ll learn at school, then, remember that you don’t have to.

3. Concentrate on the basics–and then read, read, read

Just concentrate on the basics. Do a solid math program and a solid grammar program (or phonics or spelling if they’re younger) every day. It doesn’t even need to take that long! You can do solid math and english in about an hour and a half, or a bit longer if they’re older, but that’s it.

And then with the rest of the day–read, read, read. Go to the library. Get out a ton of books on owls, and have the kids do projects on owls and paint owls and write poetry about owls. Watch YouTube videos about owls, or documentaries about owls. Get books out on the Underground Railroad and slavery and read a ton of things and have them write a short story about it. Have them design a quilt that points the way north.

Get books on at-home science experiments that are fun and let them play with baking soda and vinegar. See if they can clean your drains! Have them research homemade cleaning products and do experiments on which ones work better.

There’s so much you can do–just pick a topic and then do it to your heart’s content.

Read books with them constantly. Have them read constantly. Learn the fun of reading again, and then build projects around that, and you’ll even find that your kids really enjoy it!

Many of our homeschooling days started late because the kids would be reading a wonderful book in bed!

4. You do not need to recreate school. You do not need to do school for 6 hours a day.

Our kids were always several grade levels ahead in almost everything. They both started university as soon as they turned 16.

But we never schooled for more than 4 hours a day, ever. They had part-time jobs n high school, often during the day. They did music lessons and swimming lessons during the day.

When you’re working one-on-one (or two-on-one), and you don’t have all the busy work that school does, you can get a lot done in much less time.

Do not think that you have to spend the same amount of time in school as they do when they’re AT school. Simply choose lessons to do each day (and curriculum can help you do that), and then get through those lessons, and if they get through it quickly–that’s perfectly fine!

5. You do not need to use the school’s curriculum–unless your state/province requires it

It’s okay to just concentrate on the basics, and then just pursue what your kids are interested in. Especially if you’re homeschooling more than one child, it’s much easier to pick a topic–like owls or slavery or Egypt–and do projects with all the kids than it is to have one kid to Egypt and one kid do owls and one kid do bugs or the constitution or apples. Then you can read books together and the kids can make artwork together and you can have fun together on the same topic.

We mummified some oranges for a project one year!

Our mummies in their wrappings

Also, remember that kids don’t need to stay at their grade level. If your child fell behind last year, or never really mastered math facts, then go back a few years and redo it. You’ll likely find if they can get the basics really taught, then they can whiz through and catch up. Or if they totally understand something, it’s okay to move ahead to the next year in the math curriculum.

At one point Katie was supposed to be in grade 3, and she was doing grade 6 math, grade 4 spelling and grade 5 grammar. She was all over the place. But it didn’t matter, because she was at home. That’s the beauty of it! We tended to work at the level where the kids would get 75% without trying too hard. If they could get 100% or 90%, then they weren’t being challenged enough. If they couldn’t get 75% without trying too hard, then they likely missed a step previously and it was time to go backwards.

Some states or provinces may require that you do their curriculum, but if I could offer an honest suggestion: if you do online school with your school distinct, you’ll still likely have to do an hour and a half or so of homework with them a day, and it will be frustrating because it will be homework that someone else picked that isn’t geared to your child. So you’ll be doing the same amount of work as if you just picked a math and English curriculum that was at the right level for your child that you felt was better.

If you want to do online school with your school district–go for it! But it’s also okay to take a step back and use this year to figure out what would work best for your own child.

6. It does not really matter how or where your kids get their work done

I could never keep Katie in a chair. It was awful. We used to have so many fights about it. She was so squirmy and she wouldn’t concentrate, unlike her big sister Rebecca (who concentrated even harder every time Katie squirmed to prove she was the best!).

Then one day I came downstairs to find Katie doing math, perfectly contented, while sitting on the floor in the splits.

She did math much better on the floor than she ever did while sitting at a table.

We would do math facts while skipping rope. I would hold up a flashcard, and they would give a new answer each skip of the rope. It helped maintain a rhythm. We would toss a ball back and forth when they were listing off the capitals of the provinces of Canada, or listing all the kings/queens of England.

You don’t need to do school at a table. You can be creative! The main thing for me was always: your work had to be neat and legible, and it had to be done well. But if you give me the end result, I give you the freedom to get there in whatever way works best for you!

I know not everyone is in a position to homeschool, even if they want to.

I know many would love to, but work schedules will not allow it. I know others would love to, but they really want their kids to be with their friends, and their kids want that, too.

That’s fine! I just also know that there are many parents who are wary of sending kids back to school when COVID cases are rising, or when we know the second wave will hit, and yet they’re nervous about whether or not they can do this. And I just wanted to say–don’t judge your ability to homeschool this year based on what happened last spring when everyone was trying to coordinate with the classroom and do online school with their teachers or find homework.

It is a different ballgame, and if you choose to homeschool right off the bat, your year could actually be quite fun and not that stressful.

If people want, tomorrow I can talk about some resources that I would recommend for curriculum, and maybe I can find some of the free downloads I used to have for book report outlines and essay outlines. Just let me know!

Do you have any tips for parents who may want to take the plunge this year? Let’s talk in the comments!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8
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The PERIOD Series: How Do You Know if Your Period Isn’t Normal?

Sometimes we don’t realize when something about our period is abnormal.

And we may need some help!

On Mondays in August we’re talking about periods, and how that affects our view of our bodies, our health, our sex life, and more. Last week on our podcast on periods Rebecca and I were talking about how we need to be more proactive about seeing the doctor if we fear something is wrong–but the problem is that many of us may not realize when something isn’t normal, because we just don’t talk about it. So I thought today I’d help us with some quick tips (but please remember I’m not a doctor!)

Here’s My “Something’s Wrong” Period Story

For me, It all started when my cycles got out of whack.

At first I blamed it on my daughters. You know how when you have a bunch of women living in one house their bodies tend to adjust to each other and your cycles line up? Well, I was living with teens who weren’t quite “regular” yet, so I thought that’s why I was going all wonky. I didn’t think much of it.

Then the wonkiness wasn’t wonkiness as much as it was frequency. I’d always been a 30-31 day kind of gal, like clockwork. Then I went to 28, which disappointed me, but really was nothing to complain about.

21 days, on the other hand, is ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS!!!! And having to sleep on top of a towel, and not go out for more than 2 hours during “that time of the month” in case Niagara Falls hits, was really frustrating.

But it’s not just that life wasn’t fair. It’s that my body decided it’d had enough, and then it decided not to make any more red blood cells, because really, what’s the point? I was losing them too fast anyway. My body figured it may as well kick its feet up and grab a cold one and take the day off.

So my body took a whole bunch of days off, and one day I wake up and I was so TIRED I felt like you do during the first trimester of pregnancy. But I couldn’t figure out the reason, so I pushed ahead, and pushed ahead, and pushed ahead, until one day I came back from a speaking engagement and flying all over the country and I just lost it. I cried uncontrollably because life was just so OVERWHELMING and I couldn’t do it anymore.

(here I am right before that breakdown, at the MOPS convention in 2013. I gave this talk with the worst migraine of my life).

Eventually I decided maybe a visit to the doctor may be in order, and lo and behold, I had major anemia. Yay! I wasn’t going crazy.

So I took iron supplements for a few months, and I was happily contented (though constipated) because soon this would all be over. I went for another checkup, and–WHAM!–I was even more anemic than before.

My doctor was now  worried, and sent me for an ultrasound and a specialist, and the specialist says, “Okie dokie. You’ve got fibroids. Let’s book you in for an ablation and you’ll be good as new.”

And so I went in for surgery, and behold–I was actually as good as new.

Better even! My periods were lighter, when they came at all. My iron levels came back up. My mood improved.

And I wondered–why didn’t I get help sooner?

Maybe you have a similar one.

But the big thing I learned was that I lived through a lot of agony for a long time because I didn’t realize that what I was experiencing was abnormal. I knew that women often got worse in their 40s. I knew that people often bled a lot. And so I just assumed I had to put up with it.

As Rebecca and I were talking about on the podcast last week, because we don’t talk to friends about periods that much, we sometimes don’t notice when things aren’t normal.

​What is a normal period?

Normal periods:

Last between 2-7 days
Come between 21-35 days (although if I were on the extremes of either of those numbers I would talk to a physician about it).
Contain between 2-3 tablespoons of blood (although it seems like a lot more, honestly!).

It’s normal to feel some cramping, especially on the first day, that may require some Advil to touch it.

It’s normal, especially in the teen years, for periods to be irregular or heavier.

And it is normal for periods to get lighter as you age, and to start skipping periods as you enter into your 40s.

Problems with periods are very common–and center around three things: The amount flow; Pain; and Timing.
1. When your flow is heavier or lighter than normal

What constitutes a heavy flow? If you need to double up on pads and tampons (like use both at the same time), and you need to change them every 1-3 hours or you’ll leak, or if you leak at night, that’s abnormal.

And if you notice that your period is heavier than it used to be, that’s a sign that something could be happening. Maybe you used to be able to go to sleep with just a pad, but now you need a pad and a tampon. Or you need a much bigger pad.

Heavy periods could be a sign of:

uterine fibroids;
polyps;
hormonal imbalances;
endometriosis
some bleeding disorders
some cancers (don’t worry; that’s rare!)

and lots of other things. And sometimes they don’t have an underlying cause, but even so–bleeding that much can cause anemia (low iron) which does need to be treated.

And what if your flow is very light? That can also be a problem, especially if you are underweight. When we volunteered at a children’s home in Kenya, we learned that many of the girls, after being at the home for a few months, thought they were very ill because their periods suddenly got heavier. When they were living in very poor conditions with little nutrition, their periods were very light. Once they received proper nutrition, their periods got to be normal (which they thought was heavy).

Light periods can also be a sign of a hormonal problem, too, but usually they’re not as serious as heavy periods. And remember–usually periods get lighter with age! If they get heavier (like mine did), then it’s likely a sign that something else is going on.

2. When your periods are very painful

Sometimes pain occurs at ovulation, often caused by ovarian cysts, and sometimes cramping is so bad during your period that you break out in cold sweats, vomit, get migraines, or just feel like you can’t move.

One person left this comment last week:

 I finally worked up the courage to see a gynecologist at 20. I had never been, and as an unmarried virgin, from a conservative background, I was mortified. But my periods had always been debilitating, and it was seriously interfering with college. She said “honey, you have cramps. Take some ibuprofen.” So I cried some, and soldiered on.

Several months later, in grad school, my mom convinced me to come home, saying she’d found a doctor for me. I was non functional by then. He took a look at my ultrasound and said “they told you this was normal? Only two things cause this much fluid in a pelvis and abdomen. Ovarian cancer, and advanced endometriosis. They call ovarian cancer the silent killer for a reason, so we have cause to hope it’s endometriosis.” I was in surgery later that week. The endometriosis was everywhere.

My husband and I have four miracle children, but at only 36, I’ve now had a hysterectomy and my fallopian tubes and an ovary removed, because after our last, the debilitating periods and endometriosis returned, this time involving my colon as well.

Women are often told that pain is just normal with periods, and we should just suck it up.

And often we’re told that by physicians, even female ones.

To a certain extent, cramps are normal. Especially in your teens, that first day of a period is often quite uncomfortable.

However, being so in pain that you can’t function, or having migraines or vomiting is not just normal, and may be a sign that something else is going on.

If you talk to your doctor, and they just tell you to take Advil, insist on doing a workup if you think this isn’t normal. Track your cycles for a few months and write down how many pads/tampons you go through; how much pain you have on a scale of 1-10, as well as whether you’re able to get out of bed or function or eat. Make note if Advil even touches the pain. And go to see your doctor armed with evidence that something isn’t right.

Endometriosis is a serious condition that impacts our fertility and so much more. And yet often it’s missed in the early days when something could be done about it, because physicians assume that everyone just has pain. So keep track!

What about pain with tampons or sex?

Okay, this one isn’t related to periods per se, but it often shows up first with periods.

If you find that trying to insert tampons is just so painful you can’t do it, even small ones, it’s worth seeing a doctor. It could be a sign of either a thick hymen which needs to be surgically removed before marriage, or vaginismus, an involuntary clenching of the vaginal muscles, which can usually be resolved with pelvic floor physiotherapy. 

If inserting tampons is painful, chances are sex once you’re married will be, too. And it’s good to try to figure out the cause!

3. When the time between periods is too long or too short (or they never end!)

Remember the story in the Bible of the woman who had been bleeding for 12 years, who touched Jesus’ cloak and was healed?

Well, lots of women can relate to her! Their periods come constantly, or they last a long time. They bleed for 15 days instead of the normal 2-7. Some women go 60 days between periods, but then when they do bleed, it’s for a long time. If you find that you go too long (or too short) between periods, or if your periods are super short or super long, please see a physician.

Remember, too, that if you NEVER get your period, that’s also a problem. It may seem awesome, and you may not want to fuss about it, but it isn’t normal or healthy, and it could be a sign of a hormonal imbalance, or even an eating disorder.

What else can help us regulate our periods?

Our hormones regulate our periods, and our hormones are highly sensitive to our diet, our health, our anxiety level, even our sleep cycles. The more that you can go to sleep and get up at the same time everyday (even on weekends!); limit processed foods and processed sugars; eat whole foods; limit alcohol and caffeine and meats with high levels of hormones; the more that you can help your body regulate itself.

Exercise, too, often reduces cramps and helps us deal with pain! Rebecca found when she started eating better and started exercising and taking Highland Dancing that her periods became much more manageable and much less painful.

It isn’t always, then, that you need medical intervention. Sometimes you can help your body yourself. But I still think talking to a physician when something is off is important, to ensure there’s not a serious underlying condition.

When your periods are not working as they should, it’s a signal from your body that something needs to be attended to.

Maybe you need to actually INCREASE your eating and your nutrition so that your periods become more regular and take on a normal flow. Maybe you need to improve your health habits so that the flow regulates and becomes more manageable. And maybe you need to see a doctor because there is something serious going on.

I wish I had seen a doctor about three years before I finally did, because I could have saved myself a lot of frustration and fatigue. And after the ablation (an operation they do now instead of a hysterectomy which “burns” the inside of your uterus and removes fibroids, so that bleeding is lighter), my life really changed!

I know there’s a lot more wisdom about this collectively on YOUR side of the keyboard than mine, though, so I’m going to stop there and turn us over to the comments, because you all likely have some helpful things to add.

Let’s talk about:

How you learned that you had an underlying condition that may be dangerous, and what they did about it
What you did to have physicians take you seriously
LIfestyle changes you made to make your periods easier and less painful

Or anything else! Let’s help each other.

 

Our Period Series:

All about Periods, Going to the Beach, and Teenage Embarrassment
How Can We Help Boys/Men Be More Sensitive about Girls' Periods?
The Period Podcast!
When Should You Call the Doctor about Your Period?
What Should You Do About Sex During Your Period? (August 17)
Why We Love Diva Cups (August 24)






















Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8
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5 Ways to Teach Your Kids Shame-Free Sexuality

Most of you who read this blog are here because you want to enjoy all God has for us with marriage and sex.

But a lot of times we’ve got roadblocks from our family of origin. Maybe sex wasn’t taught well, or you grew up thinking sex was shameful–or your body was shameful.

Camden Morgante, a licensed clinical psychologist, has written a ton on how the purity culture has negatively impacted women’s sexuality, and I invited her to join us today to talk about how to raise kids with shame-free sexuality!

Every night when my husband and I bathe our two-year-old daughter, I take the opportunity to teach her about her body.

“Now we’re washing your arm,” I say as I glide the washcloth over her little arms and hands.

“Now your tummy,” I say as she giggles, repeating the words after me.

“Let’s clean your legs.”

“Ok now your bottom…ok, now let’s get your vulva.”

Many of us remember getting “the talk” from our parents when we were teenagers.

My parents gave me a James Dobson book about adolescence, sent me away to read it, and told me to let them know if I had any questions.

Instead, education about sexuality should start at birth and continue into adolescence when we talk more about puberty, romantic relationships, and sexual values. Rather than a one-time event, teaching our children about their bodies and sexuality is an ongoing conversation.

I’m a Christian psychologist who works primarily with women and couples in my private practice. In my work, I see the baggage of shame that many Christians carry. Shame because of the harmful messages they received about their bodies. Shame because of the myths of purity culture they were taught. Shame because sexuality has always been something taboo and sinful, rather than something to be celebrated.

My research focuses on the harmful effects of these Christian teachings about sexuality.

Many of us who were influenced by these messages are now raising children of our own. Before we can teach our children about their bodies and sexuality, we have to be clear about our own beliefs and hang-ups. It’s our responsibility to identify and heal from any toxic beliefs instead of perpetuating them to our children.

My daughter is only two, so I have several years before puberty arrives and these conversations accelerate. I’m sure in the next decade, I will learn more and change some of the ways I plan to teach her about her sexuality.

But whether your children are toddlers or teenagers, there are some guidelines to teach our children a shame-free, healthy view of sexuality:

1. Sexuality is more than just sex.

You don’t have to be married or sexually active to be a sexual being. In fact, Debra Hirsh defines sexuality as:

“the deep desire and longing that drives us beyond ourselves in an attempt to connect with, to understand, that which is other than ourselves.” (p. 26)

Debra Hirsh

Redeeming Sex: Naked Conservations about Sexuality and Spirituality

If healthy sexuality is about more than just sex, then my daughter, even at two-years-old, is a sexual being.

God created all of us with the desire to be known and loved and the capacity for connection. It is natural for a toddler to want to be touched, held, cuddled, and kissed (and ok if they don’t want that). And it is natural for a teenager to desire physical and emotional connection with others. Let’s affirm our children as sexual beings, created for intimacy.

2. Your body is good.

If I believe my daughter was created by God and made in His image as a female, this means that her body, including her genitals, are good (Gen. 1:27; 1:31). I want her to appreciate and celebrate her body, rather than feel shame about it. This starts by using the correct terms for her genitals, like my bath time story illustrated. Using other names just shows our discomfort and shame about private parts. And if we feel discomfort and shame, so will our children. We don’t create “cutesy” names for other parts of the body, like elbows. Why use them for genitals?

3. Your body is beautiful.

We know how important it is to encourage a positive body image in our children, especially our girls. Research has found that 80% of girls have tried to diet by age 10 and girls as young as 5 are influenced by their mother’s attitudes toward food.

Since becoming a mother, I’ve been convicted about my own body image. Playtime with my daughter frequently involves “chases” that end in tummy tickles. I will say, “I love your belly” or “this belly is so sweet” while blowing raspberries on it. If I can’t appreciate my own stomach–despite the lingering effects of pregnancy–how can I teach my daughter to value hers?

I also want to focus more on the function of her body rather than the appearance. My toddler’s belly is not just adorable, it lets her know when she is hungry so she can fill it with good food. Similarly, in marriage, breasts are not just for the pleasure of a woman’s husband, but also may nourish a baby. We can celebrate our whole bodies when we pay attention to what they do for us, not just how they look.

4. Consent belongs to you.

The topic of consent has recently gained considerable attention in the #MeToo movement. Consent with our children means respecting their bodily autonomy—their right to make decisions about what’s best for their bodies. Of course, there are challenges to consent in childhood. I still have to change my daughter’s dirty diaper and suction her snotty nose even when she protests! But unless health and safety are at risk, I respect her boundaries. She doesn’t have to give me or anyone else a hug and kiss if she doesn’t want to.

In adolescence, we want to give our teenagers increasing amounts of freedom and privacy. We also want to teach teens that no one should demand to touch their bodies or force them to do something that makes them uncomfortable. This reinforces the autonomy and consent we instilled in our teens since childhood.

5. Sexual purity is God’s best for you.

Because many of us grew up with purity culture messages about sexuality, we may feel lost when it comes to how to instil biblical sexual morals in our children. How do we teach purity without the myths of purity culture?

I believe we first need to pay attention to which purity culture myths affected us and banish this talk with our children. We want to avoid the extremes of either demonizing sex, or idolizing it. Sexuality is a gift—a blessing to enjoy but also a responsibility to steward. Instead of offering false promises or using scare tactics to teach purity, let’s emphasize obedience to God, faithful submission, and integrity. Let’s teach our children that purity is a life-long spiritual discipline that is God’s best for us.

As part of my ongoing conversation with my daughter, I hope to say to her,

“You were created in the image of God and your body is good and beautiful. Sexuality is a gift, and we believe God asks us in the Bible to save sex only for your spouse when you are married. We want to honor and obey God with our bodies. We hope that as you grow older, you will talk to us, ask questions, read the Bible, and pray and ask Jesus what He wants you to do and what decisions he wants you to make with your body and your sexuality.”

Camden Morgante

Dr. Camden Morgante is a Christian psychologist, professor, wife, and mom. She maintains a private practice in Knoxville, TN. She has published articles on purity culture, marriage, and gender roles. She shares her work as a therapist, writer, and speaker on her website.

Be sure to take her quiz, “Which purity culture myth affects you?”

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So what do you all think? I’m intrigued by the idea that we are all sexual beings in some way. What do you think? Did anything else resonate with you? Let’s talk in the comments!

The Podcast that’s All About Periods–and How to Be Empathetic, not Creepy or Mean

Why are periods so often associated with shame?

It’s time for our podcast post, and today’s podcast features Rebecca and me jumping around all the topics we’re going to cover about periods this month (well, just about all!). We opened our series on Monday and Tuesday talking about the shame girls often experience as teenagers around summer and going to the beach, and then we looked at how we can help men and boys be more sensitive and aware with what girls go through with periods.

This was a fun one–and you can either listen to it or watch it on YouTube! And it honestly had some really funny moments in there–especially when Rebecca was explaining the difference between being empathetic and being creepy. 

Listen to the Podcast Here

Browse all the Different Podcasts

See the Last “Start Your Engines” (Men’s) Podcast

And here it is on YouTube!

 

And if you’re wondering why we’re surrounded by clothes, it’s because we filmed this one in my closet. We’ve been having sound issues, and we’re really working on it behind the scenes. We bought some great foam sound proofing for our studio, but it’s not set up yet. And the closet has great sound. So there you go!

Some quick thoughts:

Sometimes a Vagina is Just a Vagina

As we said on a podcast a while ago, sometimes a vagina is just a vagina. And yet in the church we often equate everything about vaginas with sex, which is why I think periods become so secretive and shameful, and why people often say that using a tampon impacts your virginity (we had a lot of fun discussing that one on the podcast! And you’ll hear way TMI about my last pelvic ultrasound, too. But it’s pretty funny).

No adult man should work with preteens or teenagers without at least understanding this stuff

The number of girls who were shamed because of adult men, or put in untenable situations at camp or youth group because of adult males, just needs to stop. Seriously. Half the world goes through this, so all youth workers, teachers, camp leaders, and more should know how to be sensitive to girls’ periods.

And a great place to start with that is to raise your boys to understand it now! In our Whole Story puberty course, we explain about periods in detail to the girls, telling them how it works, how tampons work, how to create an emergency kit, and more, but we also explain it to the guys so that they can be aware of what girls are going through, and so they can treat girls properly around their periods.

And it’s got special COVID pricing right now!

 

You're telling me WHAT goes WHERE?!

Talking about sex with your kids doesn't always go smoothly. 

That's why we created The Whole Story, our online course that walks parents through the tough conversations and does the hard parts for you!

Learn More!



















Sometimes other women are the least sympathetic

Because we don’t talk about periods well, we don’t understand what others go through. And if some women are blessed with easy periods, it’s easy to assume that women with heavy cramping or bleeding are just whiners.

And female physicians can even do this! The number of women (Rebecca included) who have gone in complaining of pain who have been told, “every woman goes through that; you just need to learn to manage it” when there were real issues going on is just too sad to contemplate. If your pain is affecting your daily life, or your bleeding is so heavy you need to double up on pads and tampons or sleep on a towel, that isn’t normal. We’ll be talking about that more next week, but sometimes you really have to advocate for yourself to get the medical help you need!

And again–we had a special plea in there to women to be sensitive to others, because some people honestly have worse cycles than others. 

This was a fun podcast to record–and I’ve loved all your feedback and comments this week, both on the blog and on Facebook! Please listen in. I think you’ll like it!

Let’s keep them coming–and get ready for our post next week on when to see a doctor. 

Our Period Series:

All about Periods, Going to the Beach, and Teenage Embarrassment
How Can We Help Boys/Men Be More Sensitive about Girls' Periods? 
The Period Podcast! (August 5)
When Should You Call the Doctor about Your Period? (August 10)
What Should You Do About Sex During Your Period? (August 17)
Why We Love Diva Cups (August 24)

What stood out to you today? Do you find other women to be sources of shame to you around your period? How can we be kinder to one another? Let’s talk in the comments!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8
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How Can You Help Your Teens Use their SmartPhones Wisely?

Smartphones have changed everything in our families.

Today’s parents have had to integrate smartphones and social media into our lives. Our kids’ generation has grown up with them. But what has been the effect? And how can we, as parents, be responsible as we help our kids manage cell phone use?

My friend Barrett Johnson runs an awesome organization called Info for Families, where he tries to equip families to be proactive about having difficult conversations with our kids, so that we can mentor and guide them. He’s done some work developing a strategy for parents to engage with their kids around cell phone use, and I invited him to share with us today!

Affiliate links follow below.

Some experts say that young people today have been part of a ten-year experiment to determine the effects of constant technological and social connection on our lives.

The data is just coming in and the findings are troubling.

In an article titled “Has the Smartphone Destroyed A Generation?” psychologist Jean M. Twenge writes that parents should be alarmed. The article is worth a read.

Among other things, Twenge writes that…

“Rates of teen depression have skyrocketted since 2011.” (That’s when smartphone use became more commonplace.)
Psychologically, teenagers today are “more vulnerable than millennials.” (Millennials integrated smartphones into their lives while teenagers today have literally grown up with them.)
They are on “the brink of the worst mental health crisis in decades.” (We are just beginning to see the severity of the problem.)

What is the root cause of the mental health crisis in teens that is occurring?

Twenge says,

“The arrival of the smartphone has radically changed every aspect of teenagers’ lives, from the nature of their social interactions to their mental health.”

Add to that a recent CDC study that found that suicide rates among teenage girls are at a 40-year high. The most obvious culprit is the power and influence of social media. Vulnerable girls already prone to insecurity or depression are fueling their pain with a constant stream of comparison.

To make things worse, your teenager might be physically present in your home, but he is likely far more connected to the influence of his peers than the influence of his family. If that influence is primarily negative (and it usually is), our kids’ well-being will suffer. That will be the case unless you do something about it.

What is a parent to do to handle the threat of smartphones?

As parents, must be intentional to train our kids to use their smartphones with wisdom. As with every other dimension of parenting, you need to have a plan.

But what can you do to prepare them for the impact that a smartphone will have on their hearts and minds? How will you help them navigate the pressures of social media? How will you protect them from explicit content or even online predators? How can you equip them to use their phones with wisdom?

Finally, there’s a powerful tool that can help you manage your teen’s cell phone use.

Smartphones 101 is an online digital course for families. With 10 short video lessons and 35 printable pages of resources, families can go through the course together. Whether you’re preparing your child for their first smartphone or you’re wanting to reel in your teenager whose phone habits are getting out of control, Smartphones 101 can help.

It effectively tees up the critical conversations you need to have in your home about “the basics of smart phone use.”

SMARTPHONES 101 FEATURES:

Ten Video Lessons

Watch them on your computer or smartphone. The lessons are brief, so they cover some important info before anyone has time to get bored.

Discussion Guides and Other Resources

Each video includes an interactive “guide” for each person to take notes. Plus there are plenty of additional resources that will come in handy.

Meaningful Conversations

Our goal is to get families talking. So we introduce some valuable truths and ideas, and then give you tools to discuss them with your kids.

As a parent, you’re probably worried about:

The impact of smartphones on their brain development.
The increase in anxiety and depression in kids due to social media pressures.
Online predators and who might be trying to connect with your kids when you’re not looking.
How much time they spend on their phones, and how that is impacting their relationships in real life.
The explicit content and porn that kids regularly stumble onto via their phones.
How you can adjust the settings and then provide guidance and oversight to your kids as they learn to use their phones.

How Does Smartphones 101 Work?

We recommend having your child or teenager go through the entire course as a pre-requisite for getting a phone. (Or as a requirement to continue using the phone they have.) Spend a few weeks going through the 10 lessons. Simply watch a video together as a family and then use the provided discussion guide to talk about it. The course isn’t a replacement of you; it’s a resource to help you talk about all those things that concern you. The good news is that you don’t have to be the bad guy…I am! And I could care less if your kids don’t like me.