PODCAST Extras: Unconditional Respect Isn’t a Thing

Unconditional respect is not a thing.

And the way that far too many marriage teachers talk about it enables abuse.

It’s Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and in this podcast I thought I’d share a personal story that happened to me when I was 18, counseling at summer camp, and wished the ground could open up and swallow me up. Let’s look at what being the victim of rage does to you–and then look at some harmful teachings that make us feel like it’s our fault.

Even if you’re not that interested in abuse–the story’s a pretty good one. And I think you’ll really like the take on unconditional respect in the second half, too! So listen in:

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When I was 18, while a camp counselor, I was yelled at in front of everyone by a male colleague.

We had been joking around, and teasing each other, in the morning before breakfast, while all the campers were lined up outside the dining hall. He teased me, and I slapped him in jest. He erupted in rage. Everyone saw. Everyone heard.

I did something wrong, but his response was abusive and out of proportion.

i felt such shame, and I tried to fix the situation.

My situation was very minor. I have never been a victim of domestic violence. But sometimes we can see the dynamics better in a snapshot of an incident than in the long, complicated story of a marriage. 

Here I was that summer, with another friend whose name I’ve since forgotten (and I loved that dress. I wonder where it ever ended up?)

Many women end up on this blog desperate to find solutions to fix their marriage. 

Because I am dedicated to helping people develop healthy marriages, I often talk about abuse issues. And because of that, I’ve had so many women tell me that it was because of my blog that they first were able to reach out and get some help for abusive marriages. 

If that’s your story, please know that you are not alone. I am not an abuse blog, but there are some great ones out there, and I highly recommend Natalie from Flying Free or Leslie Vernick, among others. 

Can we revisit unconditional respect?

In the second half of the podcast I talked about how unconditional respect is not a thing, elaborating on my Instagram post from earlier this week:

View this post on Instagram

Unconditional respect is not a thing. Can we please stop talking about it? Lately I have seen so many social media shares, podcasts, and pins about wives giving husbands unconditional respect. But respect is EARNED. Now, we can always treat one another respectfully regardless of what they do--and we SHOULD do that. We should speak kindly but firmly. We shouldn't be highly critical or mean. But speaking respectfully is not the same as actually respecting someone--admiring them and looking up to them. You do not respect someone who is a child molester; who plays video games 12 hours a day and refuses to get a job; who gambles away a paycheck. Jesus did not respect the money changers or the Pharisees. He treated them, instead, as their actions warranted. Love, on the other hand, is NOT earned by correct actions. Love is simply wanting the best for someone else, and thus love is not dependent on how someone else acts. And if someone acts badly? Then we can exercise Tough Love. We don't lend the drug-addicted sister $500, if we know she will use it to buy drugs. We don't let our 25-year-old continue to live in the basement if he won't get a job. But there is no equivalent for Tough Respect. And THAT'S why unconditional respect is not a thing, while unconditional love is. Unconditional respect just ends up being a way to tell women that they cannot speak up if a husband is acting badly. This is not safe. This is not true. This is not biblical (see Abigail & Nabal or Ananias & Sapphira or Moses & Zipporah or Pilate & Pilate's wife). How about this? Let's love each other, and let's treat each other with respect. Let's endeavour to be people who can be respected. Let's spur one another on to love and good deeds. But let's stop telling women they must unconditionally respect their husbands, even if their husbands act badly. Want to read more? Link in Bio! https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2019/01/love-and-respect-why-unconditional-respect-cant-work/ #christianmarriage #emersoneggerichs #respectwomen #loveandrespect #unconditionalrespect #respectyourhusband #marriageadvice #healthymarriage #emotionallyhealthy #emotionallyhealthyrelationships #christianblogger

A post shared by Sheila Gregoire (@sheilagregoire) on Oct 20, 2020 at 5:33pm PDT

In the podcast, I talk more about the Greek for Ephesians 5:33, and how seeing marriage advice as so dichotomized isn’t faithful to Scripture or emotionally healthy. So let’s just do this better, okay?

I got pretty passionate in this podcast, and I hope you like it!

And here’s how I would summarize the whole issue (perhaps even more succinctly than I did in the podcast).

The Problem with Unconditional Respect

As Christians, our aim is to look like Jesus and to point others to Him, which involves living out the fruits of the Spirit, and making sure that we don’t enable bad behaviour. That means that how we act should be dependent on how others act.

To say something is unconditional, however, is to say that it does not depend on how someone else acts. This actually works in the case of love, because love is simply wanting the best for someone. If that person is acting destructively, you can change how you act (“Tough Love”) so that you do not enable that behaviour.

It does not work with respect, though, because to respect (as differentiated from “speaking respectfully, which is simply acknowledging someone else’s dignity) is to admire, to defer to, to follow after. By their very nature, these things depend on behaviour. 

A principle in Scripture is that someone should reap what they sow. This is how we learn. When someone sows destruction in their relationships, they need to feel the consequences of that. Therefore, “admiring” someone is not unconditional. Deferring to someone is not unconditional. 

To say that love and respect are analagous is to misunderstand both, and it needs to stop.

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Links Mentioned in This Podcast

98 Ways You Can Sin Against Your Husband
You Can’t Provoke Someone to Abuse
How Can I Admit to Myself I’m Being Abused?
Why Unconditional Respect Doesn’t Work
Marg Mowczko looks at Ephesians 5:33–Marg also mentioned to me that note 4B in Thayer’s relates to this
My podcast on What Headship means

And check out these resources for those in abusive marriages:

The Bible Doesn’t Tell Me So


Boundaries in Marriage


Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage


The Emotionally Destructive Marriage

I hope you like my camp counselor story! Have you ever experienced anything like this? Let’s talk in the comments!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8
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