Jarrod Kimber's Blog, page 87
December 13, 2010
save australia spinners, just say no
Beau Casson is still missing.
Xavier Doherty is shaken.
Bryce McGain is waiting for a comeback.
Cameron White bowled medium pace for Bangalore.
Stuart MacGill didn't finish a test.
Marcus North pretended to be a batsman.
Jason Krejza is obsessed with the number 12.
Brad Hogg would prefer to be a postman.
Steve Smith calls himself a wristy medium pacer.
Michael Beer is a moment from pain.
The Cullens don't even see each other anymore.
Simon Katich and Michael Clarke invent injuries to get out of bowling.
Andrew Symonds became a hard drinker to survive.
Nathan Hauritz is now selling his pain.
These men are getting used and abused.
All at the hands of Andrew Hilditch, flat pitches, big bats and the world's batsman.
It's spinocide. A whole generation of Australian spinners in the corner of a mental ward, clicking their fingers, tossing imaginary balls from one hand to the other, streching their wrist and talking about flippers and doosras while the dribble all over each other.
Unless Cricket Australia are going to get these guys the mental support they need, they should not be thrown out on the ground to be mentally stripped naked and abused in front of a world wide audience.
It isn't right.
Just say no to Australian spinners. They've suffered enough.
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December 11, 2010
Goodbye, Marcus
With all the Beer Warne nonsense going on, Marcus North's career ending hardly got a paragraph.
You've got to be a surprise inclusion or a botoxed old fella to get any media during these Ashes.
North was unassuming when he played, and his passing was the same.
I think that since I started the call for his axing when people were still calling him organised, I should be the one to say goodbye.
I've called North a toaster, waffle maker and a cockroach. Mentioned his loss of nip. I've talked about how I would kill him, love to drink bourbon with him, made a very good betting system on his batting and said that he was Australia's best spinner before he even played for Australia.
I've been kind to him, dreadfully mean to him and I've let him know how I felt at all times with my kind of bullshit honesty.
Now he is gone, and I think this is the end for him.
If you average is 35 after 21 tests, talking about your conversion rate of hundreds is sort of like talking about Mengele's advances to the health industry.
He is 31, and Australia can't look back now, not even if he could be a very good captain.
My favourite North innings was his first hundred, because I was still full of hope for this averagely talented first class batsman who could bowl a bit back then.
My favourite spell would have to be his bowling to Pakistan, six wickets of pure ass should always be celebrated.
I loved it when he found it funny that the same media who was talking about how he might go, then went to him in almost the same breath and wondered if he might be the next captain.
As much as I've called for his termination, I still like the guy, and I hope he helps the Warriors become a better team.
Any man who makes hundreds of 4 continents in 21 tests should be respected in the future, and I am now free to do that he is no longer the weak link in the middle order.
The other night I heard Mike Atherton say that he would have written savage reviews of himself had he been a writer watching himself play in another stream of reality.
I think North could be a good writer. I'm basing this on nothing he has written, he just seems to be a terribly self aware guy, and I wanna know what he knows.
If you're out there Marcus and you want to write about your career, you can do it here. I'll pay you in late night bourbon.
Marcus, you always tried, and I thank you for that.
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December 10, 2010
Australia pick up a random player from bus stop, Michael Beer picked for the WACA
Having run out of cricketers in shield cricket due to injury, T20 contracts and general uselessness, Cricket Australia has made a shock decision to pick a player from a local bus shelter in Perth.
Michael Beer is this lucky man's name.
Beer, 26, a tall blonde chap formerly of the Democratic Republic of Victoria, was waiting for the number 87 bus to go down to the beach when Greg Chappell was driving by.
Chappell, an amazing judge of cricketers, saw something in Beer as he was tapping on his legs waiting for the bus to arrive.
Those seconds of tapping were enough to show Chappell that Beer could be the spinner that Australia have been waiting for.
Chappell said, "You can tell a great spinner by his fingers, it doesn't matter if he is bowling or not, it's just a case of looking at them and feeling that they have the magic in them. Beer's fingers certainly felt magical to me".
It was only later on that the Australian selectors actually found out that Beer was actually playing shield cricket. Chappell apparently saw this as a sign that his eye was keener than most, but Beer had been wearing his full Warriors kit when at the bus stop.
When presented with the fact that Beer had played 5 first class games, taken 16 wickets at an average of 39, Chappell said, "so, this isn't the matrix, numbers mean nothing, my eyes are the one".
Later on Andrew Hilditch was informed of the selection, "Look, I didn't have that much to do with this selection, but Matthew Beer is an exciting prospect, Warnie told me about him, and Warnie is not known to talk up players from his former clubs".
Nathan Hauritz's shoelaces have been taken off him as a precaution.
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December 8, 2010
Why talking about Shane Warne returning to cricket makes you stupider than you were before
It amazes me that human beings can walk upright, talk and operate any kind of mobile phone device.
We are so fucken stupid as a species that I for one cannot wait for the day our alien masters come here and make us into food, pets and handbags for the bored middle class aliens who don't have to work because they have designed machines to do everything they need to do in life.
This post is stupid. Painfully so.
Because this isn't even the first time I've written a post like this, I've done them for Warne, Gilly and Hayden. Probably for others as well.
I get sucked in by the stupidity of others and just feel the need to comment when I really should be doing something more meaningful with my time like cutting off my nipples to sew them onto a mouse.
Great players retire, get dropped or die. It's a simple concept. Most of them retire. They do this because they no longer want to play the game at the highest level, no longer can play the game at the highest level, or are just sick and tired of training.
Warne retired at the right time for him, that he and McGrath left at the one time created a massive chasm bigger than Paris Hilton's, but they both had to retire and at that stage Australia had Lee, MacGill and Clark. It wasn't as if they left Australia cricket with a homeless guy who yells at tourists.
Now, four years later, some people want Warne back.
Actually, it isn't four years later, they've being saying it on repeat on every single day since he left, because people are morons.
Warne made them feel warm and fuzzy. Well, they felt warm and fuzzy when he played.
That was because he was a major part in what was a brilliant cricket team. As good as he was, it wasn't just Warne. Australia had three of its best ever bowlers in one side for years, they also had a bunch of great and very good batsmen, some capable back up bowlers and a cricket changing wicket keeper.
This team had these people warm, fuzzy and non sexually (mostly) satisfied.
Now that feeling has gone, and these people, like the simple morons they are, want it back. Well, you can't have it back.
Forgetting the fact that Warne is 41, hasn't bowled more than 4 overs a game in the top level of cricket for years, has a average of 36 at the WACA in his prime, has 9 other jobs, and wouldn't want to tarnish his name by coming back, he just won't come back.
At the very least he'd have to make himself available for Victoria, come back from London, and make sure he really could bowl 30 overs a day.
None of these things are going to happen, regardless of whether he rules out coming back or not. He just isn't going to play at the WACA, and even if he did, he wouldn't be winning the game for anyone other than England.
Asking your very retired players to come back, every time you team struggles is about as stupid as you can get.
It is sports version of having a bad night with your current girlfriend, ringing up your ex in a drunken horny state, then appearing at her house at 4am professing your undying love for her.
The chances of it being successful are very slim, the chances of you ending up looking like a complete ass clown are odds on.
Just writing about this has made me dumber. Because I know this is a nonsense media and idiot related issue, and yet I still write about it.
Just reading this has made you dumber as well. Because you also know that he isn't going to play and that this whole thing is just a colossal waste of your precious time.
You could have spent your time reading about something important, taking your nan flowers, helping a young person with their life or clipping the toe nails for a local person with no arms. You've let down your community, family and species.
Instead of making a difference you came here and read this stupid ranty article written by some idiot who calls everyone else an idiot about something that was never going to happen in the first place.
It's non-issues like this that keep us all so distracted we let the world become the sort of place that allows reality TV stars and cardboard cut out politicians to take over.
You and I are the problem.
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What would Chuck Norris do? Very little.
Someone asked me tonight who the Aussies could bring in to turn their team around. I wittily remarked that not even Chuck Norris could help them.
It's true, because Chuck Norris is clearly a massive poser. He's a high-panted right-wing clean-hatted borefest. I think the Australian team has people like him already.
They do need someone serious though. About 11 serious people in fact.
So I have taken it upon myself to pick an 11 that will win the next test for Australia. No Chuck Norrislike people, only real men make of stone, rock and petrified wood.
Tiger Bill O'Reilly
Australia need a spinner, and while Warne may not want to make a come back, I think Tiger would. Would also make a tour diary that would make Swann's like like a sunday morning children's program, and he'd abuse Bradman.
Rasputin
It was almost impossible to kill Rasputin, it is way too easy to kill off Australia. And would also bring a bit of royal fraternising back to the team that has not been around since Miller. His beard would be an added bonus.
Lawrence Tierney
Who in the Australian team would you look at and be scared by? Exactly, bring in Lawrence's beaten up head and see if Jimmy sledges him.
Aron Ralston
The man cut off his own arm to survive. His own arm, he broke it first, then cut it with a pocket knife or something. Look, the details are not important, he cut his arm off, unlike Mitchell Johnson who almost missed a tournament because he got a tattoo of a cat on his arm.
Lee Marvin
It's a little known fact that Steve Waugh based his whole personality on Lee Marvin. Australia did well with the replicant, why not get in the real deal. I'd have him as captain, and he can bat where ever he decides to bat.
Neil Harvey
Yes it's easy to make fun of Harvey, but right now, if he was to make one of his predictable media appearance, he'd be right. Also, Australian cricket needs someone from the Northern Suburbs of Melbourne, and since Clint McKay is not going to make that much of a difference, I suggest McKay.
Julian Assange
OK, not a typical macho man, he is way more honest than anyone in the Australian team. Perhaps when a player makes a completely misleading statement, he can say, actually, he said he's been hitting them well in the nets, that isn't the case, I have an email from Tim Nielsen that proves he is in terrible form.
Edward R. Murrow
Took on Joseph McCarthy with a microphone, dry sense of humour and a cloud of smoke. I think that would make him a great number four and second slip. I could be wrong.
Phar Lap
Few people know that Phar Lap's heart was actually bigger than his body. Some people thought that he was just a phenomenally athletic horse, but it was actually this massive heart pumping extra blood that made him great. It seems that Australia could do with a massive horse heart about now.
Muhammad Ali
Most of the reasons you'd pick Ali are obvious. The best reason to pick him is for the sledging. He'd make it rhyme and be funny.
Nathan Hauritz
Got picked when he shouldn't have, fought like hell to stay in the side despite a lack of talent, got dropped for someone who is essentially his long lost brother and then went back to shield cricket to produce his best ever figures with the ball and then make a hundred with the bat. Plus, me picking him will really fuck with his head.
This side could win the three tests (yes three, two might sound good, but can Australia afford to win 2 and hope the other one is a draw) Australia need to win back the Ashes. Sure, there is some problems with eligibility and injury, but if Australia really want the Ashes, this is the side they should pick.
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December 7, 2010
The Poms get it done
It's easy, and fun, to slag off Australia in this match.
Instead let's praise England. It doesn't come easy or natural for someone of my age, but England were so dominant in this match that it was hard to remember the name of the Australian players.
Swann, Cook, Trott, Jimmy and KP all had moments where they were as good as they could be. When you have five players who are talented playing as good as they can, it means your team is a chance of doing something special.
Winning by an innings at Adelaide is something special. Quite often winning at all in Adelaide is something special.
I've said it many times, but England are scarily professional.
They have more support staff than Mariah Carey, and their coaching staff is so much better than any other team's in the world, it's like comparing a person in an acid vat to Natalie Portman.
They look relaxed off the field, gel together on it, and someone seems to do the job that is needed when it is needed.
All this doesn't make Australia any less rubbish, but to beat Australia by an innings with a similar team that they were unbeaten last summer with, is still pretty damn impressive.
This might not be the beginning of anything, they might not even retain the ashes (a meteor could strike before perth, is just one way they won't win) but England looked like a proper cricket team who had trained, schooled and planned how to win in Australia, then, they won.
I was impressed.
Even through my anger.
They aren't always the most exciting team, actually, they rarely are, but they are good. Very good.
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December 6, 2010
Clarke's lack of timing
Michael Clarke gets a lot of flack from fans.
Some of it is warranted, some of it is not, some of it is from me, some of it is not.
In his career he has been the dominating superboy, the man afraid of being dropped, a batsman capable of long innings when not under pressure and now the automaton of batting.
Through all these periods in his life, one thing seems to have remained the same, the boy goes out right before the break of play, a lot. About two years ago it was made a big deal by the press, then it died down, perhaps it went away, perhaps no one cared anymore.
Well it happened today, and I think people cared.
I'm not nerdy or bored enough to look it up, but it happens a lot.
Today Australia had done what they needed to do, built a base and hoped that the ball spinning viciously would miss the stumps.
They didn't panic, or worry too much when England were bowling well. They just batted, for the draw, for the time, for the rain.
It isn't the most masculine of pursuits but when the opposition has bent you over for three days of the test, there is little else you can do.
Clarke did this better than any other Australian. His batting was the best of his three ashes innings, because he didn't look like his back was a solid steel rod and he didn't play a slips practice drive.
He made runs, he kept out the good balls and together with Hussey built a draw making platform for Australia.
Then he went out.
Not to anyone, but to a man with four test wickets before that moment.
Not at anytime, but with four balls left in the day.
Australian fans are wild angry dogs, on a good day. Most of them will be so pissed off they won't have even seen beyond those two points, but it goes further.
Marcus North now has to start tomorrow with four balls from the deadly KP, and then get through the new ball, being the great starter he is, that might not be that easy.
Clarke has picked the worst possible time to go out, as if he did so just for shits and giggles. Like interrupting a fight for a while, then pissing off just when it might be about to start off again.
You might think that if he failed to score more than five game after game that would be worse. It wouldn't be, because those sort of failures will even get you dropped from the Australian team.
His kind of failures come on the back of a good or at least average test match innings, but they give the opposition the biggest boost imaginable, without any chance of him ever being dropped.
They are also the very opposite of a captain's innings, he is like some evil anti-captain who does everything he can to make the team think he is helping them only to Judas all over them at the last minute. He's probably a double agent, and he's infiltrated the ranks for years just to routinely scuttle Australia's best laid plans. And for the chicks.
This won't end. Everything in Clarke's life seems to change, but not this. I'm sure that when he was born it was inconvenient, perhaps his father was just about to go to the footy, and then he got the call, or maybe it was the day that his mother and father had tickets to the Saints.
He shall just forever be this way, it's bred into him.
One day, Lara Bingle might be more loved in Australia than Clarke, because at least she was dismissed at the right time.
The new cricket sadist is out now.
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