Jarrod Kimber's Blog, page 91

tea on day at the gabba

Australia – the story of their recent tests, opening partnership 78, next five wickets 65.

England – had some luck and North at the right time, then just couldn't work out how to bowl to Hussey in form, as it's been a while since they've seen it.

Ponting – sodomized down the legside.

Katich – Krab-punched one back to Finn.

Clarke – Like boiling puppies in a glass bowl with several cameras situated around them. Finn did the gentlemanly thing.

Hussey – just survived early on. Then he batted like he should have for the last 3 years, he saw bad balls and backed himself to hit them.

North – Didn't survive the first under bet in my Marcus North betting system.

Haddin – brought out his drive, looked tighter than Clarke or North.

Swann – His first four over's in this match cost him 34, his next six, 4 runs for 1 wicket.

Anderson – lucked out with Ponting, then had fun with Clarke for a while. Still not too much movement.

Broad – no wickets without looking like he has no wickets.

Finn – got one wicket with a half volley and another with a short shit ball, inbetween that he bowled ok without wetting any whistles.

Collingwood – bowled for shits and giggles.

Fielding – tidy.

Over rates – still behind.

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Lunch on day two from the gabba

Watson – showed a gentle patient side, played some pretty drives and then Anderson and him whispered sweet nothings in his ear before Anderson squared him up.

Katich – Got hit, looked injured, was dirty and seemed to be dug in for one of his 80 odds.

Ponting – the short leg came in for him, he was edgy, very edgy, he looked like he'd been defrosted by the 2243 Australian cricket team and sent out there.

Broad – was the man early on. Looked like he was going to test Australia, and he did, but not with wickets.

Anderson – was better than last night, the kookaburra still won't react how he wants it. His second spell was very good, worked Katich and Watson over, before getting Watson and telling him about it. Metrosexual one-upmanship.

Finn – started with one his parents will ignore. Floated up full balls, not the best start, far from a complete mental breakdown.

Swann – N/A.

Fielding – Missed a run out when Prior and Cook couldn't work out the best way to get Katich run out, and gave away some overthrows. Tighter than Australia the day before.

Over rates – shit.

Lunch – white rice, some chicken I think, and maybe ham.

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Two pricks at the Ashes: pilot

As part of cricket with balls half assed attempt to cover the ashes, we've started our own chat show with Sampson.

This is just the test one, it will get better, I'm pretty sure.

Especially sound quality wise.

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Previously at the Gabba

Australia

Never quite got going, except for Siddle.  Had some luck with shit shots, fielded quite poor.  If you bowl a team out on the first day and lose no wickets, it's not a bad day when you've lost the toss.

England

Just never really turned up.  A few looked good, Bell looked better than good, but in the end it was a poor effort on this pitch.  They did beat the KRUD system, which is a win.

Who's in front

There haven't been many big scores at the Gabba this year, so England's score isn't horrible.  That said, this aint a Gabba green top, so Australia only have to bat like competent cricketers (not always their thing of late) and they should be at least 150 in front.

Play of the day

Peter Siddle's collar.  While Siddle was destroying England, his collar was clearly left over from his Halloween costume as Bela Lugosi's Dracula.  For years his family will have to see this footage, and while they'll be excited for him, they won't be able to watch it without taking the piss out of him.  Although, if Anderson wears it, we'll know it's a trend.

Testicular moment of the day

A lot of people said Siddle shouldn't be in the side.  His first two wickets proved that those claims were nonsense. His next three put him it the record books.  The last one was just for laughs.

Working class moment of the day

There were few naked in a birdcage moments from Ian Bell, but this was a class knock.  The only thing you could fault him on was when he was batting with Cook he never took the day away from Australia.  In every other way this was a very top class knock, it just wasn't a hat trick or a six wicket haul.

Weird factoid of the day

Australia has never lost a test when Siddle has taken a hat trick or a five wicket haul.

Crowd moment of the day

Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, takes it up the bum.

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Obviously the Ashes have started podcast

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Bell builds

Not that long ago, I put Ian Bell naked in a birdcage.  Not literally, that would have been awkward for us both.

I did it in my book (free shipping).

I've never quite gotten Ian Bell.  Aesthetically he is a pretty picture.  Square jawed, cap always bent in a very good arc, dreamy eyes, and a cover drive that could test your sexuality.

The problem is, that was all he had.

There have been fewer batsmen I've ever seen who could put an innings together as bad as he does.  Instead of building a base for a long stay, he seemed to just be out there because that is where he was.  Like a kid out the front of a shopping centre.

Today he crafted an innings.

He could have done more, much more.  But that he did anything at all was pretty impressive.

I keep being told that South Africa was the making of Ian Bell; he averaged 44 in that series.

I don't know what made him, but he is different.  There is a brain and planning behind that sexy little drive now.

His 76 today wasn't from accidental crease occupation.

There could be a time soon when the Grisham of the 30 odds no longer makes those scores.  He could just make real test innings like someone of his talent should.  And not just against Bangladesh, but real places with test cricketers in their teams.

One day it could be a waste to over get him naked, lube him up and put him in the oversized birdcage, literally or otherwise.

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Siddle goes to disneyland

Siddle goes to Disneyland

After the 2009 Ashes, Siddle and his lady went to Eurodisney.

Now the closest I've been to visiting Eurodisney is the simpson's episode where they show Euro Itchy and Scratchyland.  I can only assume it is some weird not quite right version of Disney that people generally avoid.

When you lose an Ashes, it is the sort of place you go to.

Siddle hasn't won this Ashes for Australia, he may not have even won this test, but he sure as shit deserves something better than Eurodisney next trip.  Disney World at least.

Today he was definitely riding the magic mountain, butt fucking Mickey and kicking the frozen head of Walt around.

All week people have been asking me why Siddle has been picked.  They've told me all the different ways he is rubbish.

They probably won't say that now.

They'll use my Sizzle nickname.

They'll offer him their daughters.

They'll make him trend on twitter.

They'll bow down before him and pledge their allegiance to the peoples democratic republic of Victoria.

That's what days like today do to test players.  They turn them from one of the players everyone takes the piss out of, to the one little boys pretend to be.

It's easy for a kid to pretend to be Siddle, they just need run face first into a wall for a while, put a permanent smimace (smile grimace) and try as hard as they can.

I've always liked Siddle because of his Victorianess, his heart and the fact that he takes his wickets bunched together, now I like him more because he took a hat trick and a 7 wicket haul (I refuse to take a wicket off him cause Haddin can't catch) in the first test of an Ashes.

I am wearing my collar up in honour of the great man.

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Tea on day one at the Gabba

Cook – at times I forgot he was out there.  Doing his job.

KP – looked on form, hardly faced Doherty, and then drove Siddle on the up to second slip.

Collingwood – played one good shot and one shot that should get him beaten with the shovel he usually uses to bat with.

Bell – has looked the best so far.  Almost chopped on early, then looked really good and even survived the KRUD system.

Johnson – wasn't as horrible as he can be.  First spell was still a bit like licking your finger after putting it in your ears. Second spell was not like that.

Hilfenhaus – non-entity.

Doherty – A bit short, very flat, and not much sexiness.  Hard to score off, and very quick between his overs.

Siddle – the sizzle was back.

Watson – wide outside offstump.

Fielding – not bad.

Over rate – still shit.

Oli Broom – rides bikes.

New Blogs – eat em up.

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Lunch day one from the Gabba

Strauss – that the Aussie media hasn't attacked Strauss for his average of 33 in the last 14 tests is poor form. With this shit start that might happen from now on in.

Cook – couldn't have looked more like Cook. Scored 9 runs in the first hour. Never really looked like going out, or making runs, or entertaining anyone. Dropped at point before lunch cutting.

Trott – Edged a couple, got hit on the pads close in front, probably edged one behind that no one noticed and even tried to run himself at times. Yet, looked positive for him which lead to him missing a straight one from Watson.

KP – Played the way he usually does. Looked goodish, but tried to prove he doesn't go out to left arm spinners by charging down to Doherty and almost going out.

Hilfenhaus – got the wicket with the bad ball, leaked more runs than usual, but wasn't looking too bad.

Siddle – looked the main threat, but just couldn't get the wicket. Lost a close review against Tortt, almost had him caught at slip as well, was hard to score off.

Mitchell Johnson – Used for only four overs. Not much magic involved. Or many wides.

Watson – started with pure filth, then took a wicket in the same over. Who can explain how he does what he does. Should have had Cook with a short filthy one.

Doherty – started with spin, almost had KP looked ok.

Fielding – Australia fumbled, dropped, looked scruffy.

Over rate – in the shit, already.

Lunch – Roast beef, white rice and Lasagne.

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The amazing story of the first ball of the Ashes

For a long time music and talking filled the ground, then it all stopped.

The pitch was empty as the umpires strolled out there and Andrew Strauss would face the first ball of the Ashes from a man wearing comedy moustache to try and bring a bit of history to the moment.

The crowd swelled, because as we all know, the first ball of the Ashes always tells the whole story.

Once you see it, watching the rest of the series is completely useless.

So when Hilfenhaus came into Strauss, it wasn't just a normal delivery, it was a story, a fable, epic and far reaching. Steeped in history, mystery and folklore, you'll tell your kids where you were when Hilfenhaus bowled it.

Because they will want to know about the ball that was outside off stump and left alone by Strauss.

They won't even care about the rest of the over in a few hundred years, just that first gentle dot ball.

What a story it tells.

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