Jarrod Kimber's Blog, page 92

I'm more relaxed than you

The Poms were standing around laughing.

The Aussies kept smiling at each other.

It was an interesting understated vaudeville performance.  Two well matched relaxed yet professional outfits trying to ensure that they were the ones who were the more ready looking for tomorrow.

The Australian and English relaxing coaches were in overdrive.  The players had been practicing yoga, listening to Polyphonic spree, smoking weed, and watching DVDs of whales swimming.  All for this one moment.

The day before the cricket starts.

Because you don't want to look to tense, or eager.  You need to keep your cool on.  Make sure that every knows you are ready for the next day's play.  Everyone who is paid to come to and watch people standing around is waiting for a millisecond of weakness, so you must remain less than human.

That is why Haddin was reading a copy of 'Men are from Mars and Keepers are from Uranus' instead of practicing.

Finn refused to even come out on the ground as he was kicking ass on the classical edition of Guitar Hero.

Aleem Dar went to the Gold Coast, just so he would look casual as well.  He was last seen in budgie smugglers at Coolangatta twirling a little umbrella in his mouth.

That is how today was.  Sort of odd, cold and boring.

Weeks ago I said to a friend, fuck I want the ashes to start, just so I don't have to listen to people talking about the ashes starting.

This post is something like that.

I don't care who is relaxed, who takes a picture with who, what boring sentiments people state in press conferences, just play the cricket.

One day when I run the universe I shall ban talk of all test series before they commence.

I shall also make all Natalie Portman films (even where the heart is) compulsory and give everyone free Woodford Reserve Bourbon.

Oh, and free dim sims.

Let the real bullshit begin.

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balls profile: michael clarke

"Didn't I always tell you if I stayed in place and never spoke up, good things were bound to happen?" said General Casey in Mars Attacks before he meets the martian ambassadors.  Michael Clarke's career has seemingly been much of the same.  I know he likes cars, women and tattoos, but other than that I have never really detected an ounce of personality or anything he really believes in.  He may be a pod. His batting is now professionally carried out, after earlier histrionics and making runs when Australia were on top.  Likes quick return flights between Australia and New Zealand.  He bats in a constant 3rd gear, and seems to have removed fourth and fifth as an option. His left arm spin is luckier than Lyle Lovett at times.  In many ways Clarke is the Celine Dion of modern cricket.

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balls profile: Paul Collingwood

Has the face of a grizzled character actor in an old irish mob film.  When he does curl his face up for a smile, it's the smile of a man who has seen a lot.  Once said he hated the captaincy, then captained England to their first major limited overs title shortly after.  Is only good when you bag him, his Sunderland nature cannot handle any praise.  When the Queen said good job once, he threw up in her mouth, figuratively. Left twitter after only a short time because people kept saying nice things to him. Probably hates the nick name the Bruce Willis of Nudgers.  Bats like he is shovelling coal, or some other menial old timey job involving shovels. It's never pretty, but he does get some sort of job done.  His bowling is a living homage to the military medium pace in New Zealand's past. Once made a captaincy decision so good that Daniel Vettori said a naughty word.

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In the land of Channel 9

I have now arrived.

When I walked through the Melbourne airport I sort of half expected Tony Greig to offer me a rare opportunity to own a piece of Australian cricket, limited to only 2000.  He didn't.

The last thing I remember Tony Greig saying was that Mitchell Johnson could be sort of unpredictable.

That, for Channel 9, is as harsh as they get with a cricketer from Australia, and even then Mark Taylor reminded everyone seconds later that he was the ICC Cricketer of the year last year.

This is Channel 9's country, and when it comes to cricket there is Australia, England, and some other countries that Richie Benaud's friends have seen play (well, that is how he talked about Mathews).

I'm surprised I was even allowed back in.

When I scanned my passport I was expecting to be tapped on the shoulder and sent back home.

This has not happened, yet, so today I am off to Brisvegas.

Ofcourse they are subtly trying to get me to leave.

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But I won't go.

Especially since I had a dim sim yesterday. Oh, how I've missed dim sims.

For those who want to show how much more they know about cricket than everyone else, I've also started a online cricket prediction group over at sportsguru.

The pool I've created is called CWBs Incest Series.

The details are here:

Website: http://www.sportguru.co.uk/wintercricket

Pool code: posepart

Pool name: CWBs Incest Series

So come over and prove you're smarter than me.

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balls profile: graeme swann

It is hard to believe that the coolest spinner in test cricket is an off spinner from England; we have clearly reached the end times. Swann is a lovable tosser, although not a fan of London accented Pakistanis. He has no magic tricks as a spinner; he doesn't invent new deliveries or experiment too much. Although, if he did tricks, he could hide them behind his massive chin. Swann bowls a lot of good balls and works batsmen over using his brain even more than his fingers. Gets good spin, yet is not averse to bowling more full tosses than a club leg spinner on a bad day. Once travelled home drunk to save a pussy. Can bat, although not in the all rounder sense, more like a smashed cowboy riding a bull. Was once in a band. Got punched on his first test tour, by a teammate. I think he imagines that every time he goes out on the field women are throwing their underwear at him, this is yet to actually happen to him.

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Buy Gideon for Christmas (or for any non jesus related reason)

[image error]Gideon Haigh has a new book out, because he is Gideon Haigh, and that is what Gideon Haigh does.

It is called Sphere of Influence, and it's really thick and has lots of big fancy words in it. It's all about the T20 revolution and all that fun.

If you're English you can buy it so you can look and point at the literate aussie.

If you're Indian you can buy it for your friend who hates Gideon.

If you're Pakistani you can buy it and hit Ijazz Butt with it.

If you're Australian you can buy it and get your New Zealand friend to read it to you.

If you're South African you can purchase the new Die Antwoord album to listen to while reading this book.

Other countries can buy it too.

If you're a cricket with balls fan you can buy it because Gideon is often seen in a cwb t shirt.

It's about modern cricket, it's cool, it's wordy, it's Gideon.

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The Ashes Preview Preview Podcast

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Download it here.
Available on itunes.
Here is the feed.





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The Ashes gets some balls

And now for the Ashes.

Incestuous cricket at its best.

The middling teams taking a long run at each other in padded sumo suits.

How will it all unfold, well, I'll tell you as I'm at the grounds for all five.

That's right, cricket with balls has blackmailed several prominent Cricket Australia administracrats and gotten ourselves smack bang inside the action.

I'm going to be up to my neck in Ashes crap.

There shall be writing here, some writing at TWC, more at Cricinfo, and a tad for the Bushrangers.

Also here will be podcasts with me, people i know, people i don't know, and random drunkards i pretend not to know.

Then, as if that isn't enough, I've gone and got myself some cheap dodgy video camera, and I'm just gonna put up videos of shit I see.

And I will see shit, won't I.

So, there it is.

Jrod does the Ashes.

I have no idea what I will find in the bowels of the cricket establishment, but I'll probably show whatever I find to you.

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balls profile: mitchell johnson

If you imagine the whole world is a scary place where anything could kill you, now you're thinking like Mitchell Johnson. His tongue and labrette piercings were no preparation for the pain he would feel on the 09 Ashes trip. Given the gift of express pace and the power to lift the ball out of the ground there should be nothing stopping him. This is not the case. Instead is more like a lion scared by mice. His left arm slingy action is fast, proper fast. Facing it must be like being stuck in a horror film that is so bad it's good. Has a brilliant knack of getting wickets just after every Australian in the crowd has demanded he be taken off. Once gave up cricket to drive a van for a plumber. Is not an all rounder, probably never will be as he leaves the cricket the ball much like Christopher Walken would have in Deer Hunter.

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balls profile: Alastair Cook

No cricketer has ever worn more eye shadow while fishing at edges and opening the batting for England than Alastair Cook. Should really be called mini-Strauss, as he is very similar to Strauss, but sort of less. Has major technical flaws, never really puts his stamp on good attacks, and looks like he is confused as to what is happening around him. Luckily, he also has amazing patience, zen patience. The sort of guy who will stay outside in a queue for a cool night club for hours knowing that when he gets in it will be fun, even if he will only drink diet lemonade when inside. As explained in his Britneyesque autobiography, he is the most working class person from Essex to ever regularly go skiing. His brother is a top bloke.

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