Jarrod Kimber's Blog, page 93

balls profile: Jonathan Trott

Trudging around cricket like a miserable bus traveller in the afternoon with unwashed clothes who has a facial tick that you don't want to look at, but can't look away from is Jonathan Trott. Started his career with an innings so composed everyone wanted to wear pads that looked too big for them and dive back to be run out in award winning photos. Then the honeymoon turned weird when he got to South Africa and his form cheated on him. Now he is back in form, although he never really looks in form even when he is. His batting is the very definition of gritty and his right arm swing bowling is less than serviceable, but far from embarrassing. His first name is Ian, but he uses Jonathan to distance himself from Bell. Wants to be Steve Waugh more than any person ever born in South Africa.

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buy my book for your religious corporate holiday

If you have a perverted cricket fan in your family, how could you not by them my book for Christmas?

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I smear the Ashes with my Jrod juices.

Buy it, make me happy.

Please.

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balls profile: shane watson

It takes real talent to be hated when you are pathetic and just as despised when you are good. Even those who have the talent to get to this level of hatred could never do it as well as Shane Watson. When not in front of the mirror, he seems to be able to move 95% of cricket fans into a frenzy of hate, pure detestation, clear revulsion, and a general uneasy sickness of rage. When he walks around town he has to prance through puddle after puddle of bile as people tend top spew it towards him involuntarily. The great thing about Watson is he seems to not be overly worried by this, the slushing of the bile around his trendy shoes has never changed who he is. His effectively-bullish technically-flawed batting and his elderly-man-getting-out-of-a-car bowling style have very little to do with the bile. The fact that he's made himself into a very respectable opener does nothing to stop the loathing, and his bowling getting worse didn't endear him to anyone either. It seems that almost everyone has a reason to hate Shane Watson, the most common being his fear of ghosts, how metrosexual he is, the posing, that he was created during operation paper clip, when he sent off Chris Gayle, calling a press conference to explain how he ate his breakfast, how he is now good, calling Ajmal for chucking while facing him, that he was once rubbish and the time he hit Gambhir's elbow. The really good thing about Watson is you don't need a reason to hate him, it just comes natural. I'm sure he is a great friend, lover, confidant and son, when not playing cricket. He appears daily on the honours board at Lords, like Agit Agarkar. Does Pilates, not Yogalates, the prick.

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Pakistan cricket's barbershop

"There are three things that Black people need to tell the truth about. Number one: Rodney King should've gotten his ass beat for being drunk in a Honda a white part of Los Angeles. Number two: O.J. did it! And number three: Rosa Parks didn't do nuthin' but sit her Black ass down!"

That is what Eddie says in Barbershop.

In real life, the whole Pakistani cricket set up seems to be a bit like Eddie.

Unable to see that the dude left because some one said Ima gunna kill you and yours.

I have no idea whether I would have run like Haider did, but I certainly wouldn't have told Ijazz Butt.  And what is the point of taking it to the players.

Sure, he could have told the ICC, but getting the fuck out of there also did the job, you can always contact the ICC when you are well away from some dude trying to kill you.

Perhaps some ex and current players believe his mistake was not just taking the cash and doing what they wanted.

Eddie probably would have thought that.

Abdul Razzaq said, "I don't think he did the right thing. He made a big mistake. If he had any issues he should have told the senior players or the management."

The Pakistan's sports minister, Ijaz Hussain Jakhrani, took time out from ignoring how bad a job Butt is doing to say; "If he is such a weak and scared person he should not have played cricket in the first place, particularly not for the national team."

Afridi had a bit of, "I just don't understand what he (Haider) is trying to do. He has behaved very childishly. He has behaved just like Yasir Hameed  had done in England. What is he trying to achieve?"

It worries me when Hameed and Haider are the stupid ones.

Surely the bigger problem is that when players talk up, the Pakistani cricket community takes the piss out of them.  Why bother saying anything at all?

So if Eddie from barbershop was a Pakistani cricket fan, I think he'd say this;

"There are three things Pakistani cricket fans need to understand.  Number one:  Salim Malik had to take the blame so our team wouldn't lose its best players.  Number two: Spot fixing aint shit.  Number Three:  Haider didn't do a goddamn thing other than fucken leavin'."

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Australia name entire country in Ashes squad

In order to ensure that no metaphorical stone is left unturned, the NSP have selected every Australian there is in a an expanded test squad.

Greg Chappell said, "It's a holistic cricket squad, we could have limited ourselves to just the 13 or so players that are most likely to play for Australia, but what about Mavis Brown from Epping, the poms know nothing about her.  She is a complete surprise to them, how will her plastic hip help her get turn, no one knows. Also, it is important to not give the poms what they are expecting.  This squad might look like we have just put the entire voting registry on it, but it is way more than that. Way more".

Simon Spehr of Camperdown was over the moon to be selected, "I'll be honest, I've been waiting for this call all my life.  It wasn't a call, obviously, they couldn't call everyone, but to know that my name was in the squad was more than enough. Mo mother was so excited for me, but then even more excited for herself."

Former legend Dean Jones was also ecstatic about the squad, "I knew the selectors hadn't forgotten about me. Commentating may not seem like the ideal preparation for playing in a test. However, since my time out of the game I think I've learnt a few things, especially from Hashim Amla."

While almost every Australian selected in the squad was happy, there has been some negative feedback.  The English press believe this is a desperate move from a insane cricket selection panel who have completely lost the plot.  Russell Crowe and Sam Neill were both visibly upset and not getting selected.  And Germaine Greer complained bitterly about Steve Irwin's inclusion.

The squad is expected to be trimmed down to 10,000 by the 20th of November.

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Douggie Dances

People often ask me about Douggie B.

I've never known how to really answer them.

But then some phone company answered it for me, through the medium of dance.

If you spent your first viewing looking at anything other than Douggie, you're a stronger person than me.

It wasn't until the 5th time I watched it I even saw Michael Clarke trying to be too cool for school on the right.

The lesson for all viral marketers here is simple, promote any product you want with Douggie Bollinger dancing and you'll have me playing it.

Had I know he could dance like this, I would have paid him to dance at my wedding.

If you see Douggie this summer, I suggest just putting a few bucks down his trousers and seeing if he performs.

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Invasion of the Akmals 3: Adnan's Anger

[image error]On a planet far away in a galaxy that no telescopes could see lived a Queen Akmal. The Queen Akmal, perhaps the scariest of all the queens in all the galaxies, was a monster that no imagination could do justice too. Scales, tentacles, weird hangy bits, and hair everywhere, oh, she was as frightful a creature as there was. This monster had eaten up all the enemies on her planet. Then shit them out, only to re-eat them, mostly because that is how she survived. But when she was sick of pooping and eating the same people on rotation, she sent her favoured son out into the cosmos to find her new victims. At first the favoured Akmal did well, he devoured those on earth and kept his mother in new carcasses the way she liked it. The Queen was pretty damn happy with this, but then this Akmal got sloppy, lazy, shit and dodgy. The people of joice rejoiced that they had survived. The Queen was not amused, so she popped out a new favoured son, colouring his lips along the way. This son was loved briefly by all that saw him, even his earthly victims, but before long it was the same old shit, so to speak. The Queen's sons had failed her twice, but while we are happy on earth knowing we have defeated the Akmals, she is getting ready for a third. The final son. The third Akmal. This son will not fail like his feeble puny pathetic brothers. This son shall not just bring her food and clean up for the other two, his job is to find a new queen and start creating even more Akmals so that the Queen will never have to rely on just one Akmal and our world will be nothing more than a feeding ground for lazy stupid Akmals. He is Adnan, he is Angry, he is AKMAL… Can we survive him?

Now in 3D.

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cricket's big balls

I have received links to this story from about 30 people.

I get less when Sehwagology appears somewhere.

So if you all want it, here it is.

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I am a cricket, and these are my giant balls.

Can I just say that the main objection to my site's logo is that I've made the balls too big, clearly that is not the case.

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Zulqarnain Haider (Zully Q-dawg) retires

I assume being a Pakistani fan is like being in a room with Delta Goodrem talking about her struggles, or watching as someone slowly drills out one of your eyeballs.

Today the only non-Akmal wicket keeper left in their country has retired.

Why?  Well we can only take his word for it, but it looks like he's left because he refused to match fix and had his life threatened.

It doesn't make him very gangsta, but it might make him the Rosa Parks of the Pakistan cricket team.

This is part of what he said, "I would rather flee away than sell out the dignity and respect of my motherland."

The ICC might fine him for not saying he wants to put the balls in the right area.

He arrived in the UK visa less and without return ticket, so he is probably locked up in a cage right now.

Now he is claiming asylum in the UK, and probably talking contracts with Derbyshire.

I suggest, if he is going to hide in the UK, there is no better place than Derbyshire, I've lived in the UK for a couple of years and have no idea where it is.

It is too early to really know what the hell is going on.

I am willing to trust Zully Q-dawg for now, I mean, he isn't about to make a fortune on the chatshow circuit, so giving up an international career is a big call for someone so new to the game.

If he finds himself needing a meal in London, I'll get him some chicken as we sit around my place slagging off the Akmals.

I think that would cheer him up, it always cheers me up.

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