Jarrod Kimber's Blog

Imagine if the ICC made a major error

We all know that in this perfect world the ICC never make an error.

Imagine that this isn’t a perfect world and that they did make errors.

Imagine that in this error riddled world the ICC had to release certain information via the internet.

Imagine that they might redact certain bits of this information for legal purposes.

Imagine that you could actually read behind these redactions if you knew how to work computers in a hot shot manner.

Imagine then how silly and stupid they would look if the information they were legally obliged to hide could be read.

Imagine the furore.

Not that any of this would happen.

The ICC is too smart for that.

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THE BCCI ICL AMNESTY CEREMONY

In order for any ex ICL player to be let back into proper cricket, they have to go through a few ceremonial activities.

They shall be flogged by ex test players who are currently finding it tough to make ends meet.

Players must bathe themselves in the urine of the pure, the under 23 IPL players.

All hairs must be plucked from their bodies, one by one, in a process that should take 5 days.

They shall have cheese graters taken over their testicles by the best Italian chefs in India.

Their nipples shall be cut off with butter knives, and sewn back on by excitable teenage girls.

They shall have to spend one hour with Navjot Siidhu.

Players will have to impale themselves on bat cones, and then switch bat cones with the person to their right.

Each player must cook and eat their faeces.

And then to finish it off, the players have to grovel at the feet of Lalit Modi until he thinks they have learned their lesson.

I know what you are thinking, I can’t wait to see this.

Well luckily for you Zee TV are showing it, all they need to do is kill off the first born child of each employee and Lalit will allow them full access

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Previously at the G

Australia

Were 10 Peter Siddle’s short of a cricket team.

England

Batted like the word declaration had never been invented. Hopefully that word has been by tomorrow.

Are the ashes won?

Sure, why not.

Play of the day

Anything Ricky Ponting did. Everything Ricky Ponting did. He was just on fire, bowling Clarke and his dodgy back while Smith and Watson watched on, his chats with umpires and batsmen, his slow cool walk in for a run out that wasn’t to be. And just being Ricky Ponting.

Testicular moment of the day

Ranjan Madugalle’s effort to give Ponting a 40% fine for stopping the game for let’s say 5 minutes, while he complained about a 3rd umpire decision that he thought he saw better from the centre of the MCG than one of the world’s best umpires sitting right in front of a screen. Why even fine him, why not just apologise to him for the whole situation. Make Erasmus come in and grovel before him. Give him more money. Find him a good bar. Go out on the bay, catch some fish, scale them, cook them in a garlic and lemon sauce, put them on a naked woman and have them delivered to his room.

Working class moment of the day

Trott plays off his pads well.

Weird factoid of the day

Jonathan Trott is the best invisible batsmen of all time.

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Spot fixing in print

The last edition of the cricket sadist’s quarterly had a piece on spot fixing written by me. It’s now tragically out of date, but I think it’s worth a read.

About a year ago a cricketer contacted me to talk about fixing in cricket. He was positive it was happening again, at ICL, IPL and International level. He even specified games that he and others thought it had happened in. I checked into these games and came up with other reasons why things happened the way they did.

The player was very upset, but he didn’t see how coming forward would help out.

In the next few weeks I was contacted by other cricketers and officials who gave me similar stories. Some were major names in international cricket, and some lesser known. All of them hoped I could do something, but like them I could do little. They had no evidence, just strong hunches, none of them would speak publicly about this, and all I could do was write on my site in the vaguest possible terms.

Since then spot fixing has come to the attention of the mainstream media and seems as close to taking over cricket as it was at the end of the 90s.

Essex players have been arrested by police. Shakib Al Hasan has come out saying people have offered him money before. Lalit Modi accused Chris Cairns of being involved in fixing in the ICL. Pakistani government officials line up waiting to accuse Pakistan of fixing anytime they lose. And there were reports of 27 players in the IPL being under scrutiny (which was later refuted).

The players involved are from around the globe; this isn’t some dirty little Subbie problem. The betting might be based in India, but as we learnt in the late 90s, the players involved are from everywhere.

During the late 90s you could throw a stone in International cricket and hit someone who was doing something that was less than ethical with bookies. The majority of the players involved got off scot-free, but cynical fans still believe that almost everyone was involved. I once heard Peter Roebuck say that he put Sanath Jayasuriya on a pedestal, and one reason was that he was 100% sure he didn’t interact with bookies unethically, and there were few other players of that generation of whom he thought the same. There is no way to know if that is true now, but fixing in cricket is here. If the spirit of cricket actually existed (and wasn’t some construct by a gin sipping crusty old man) fixing games would surely not be allowed.

Few sports in history have been devised to allow betting on them more than cricket. Some scholars have stated that cricket was formed the way it was, because of the betting on the early matches. Allowing people to bet on each ball, over, wicket, boundary, wide, or batsmen is certainly going to get the attention of bookies. The more ways someone can bet on a sport, the more they are likely to.

The player who was supposed to keep wicket for England in the first ever test match, Ted Pooley, was instead in jail in New Zealand. Apparently Pooley had bet on the individual scores of each batsmen: he said they would all score ducks and would claim £1 for each duck. Depending on reports there were between 8 and 11 ducks (the team they were playing had 22 players), and Pooley had been umpire. When the local businessman who was supposed to pay out didn’t, Pooley beat him up, which is why he was in jail. This was in 1877.

That was a fairly obvious case of something, either match fixing, bad umpiring, or a bad bet by the local businessman. Now it is not so easy to spot. Unless phone calls, tax records, or witnesses come forward, how can you stop a bowler in a largely meaningless televised T20 game, like in the IPL, Big Bang or in English County Cricket, ensuring his over goes for more than ten. Or for a batsman to ensure that the 33rd over is a maiden in a one-day match.

It is almost impossible; there are so many ways a cricketer to spot-fix a game, so few ways we can detect it, and a truckload of largely unimportant games for the players to fix in.

Some people have talked about education; making sure the players know that taking money or even just talking to bookies can lead to loads of shit. But if cricket has showed us anything it is that even someone with the education of L Ron Stanford (sure he only went to College in Waco, Texas, but he still went there) can be moved by money over honour.

When talking to one of my moles, I was told about ICL games that were so dodgy that both teams were trying to lose key moments at the same time. Some players reported that the games were so farcical, it was like they were scripted. If that were true, it meant that in one game of cricket, two loads of dodgy men had put money on poor performances for either side. Think of the level of corruption required in the game for that to happen.

This year in England’s domestic T20 event they are bringing in the ICC’s anti-match fixing unit to watch the games much more closely. This was probably brought about by the arrest of Mervyn Westfield and Danish Kaneria after suspected match fixing in an Essex Pro40 game last year. People who have seen Westfield bowl before are at a loss for words at the thought of him getting paid by bookies to bowl expensive overs in limited overs cricket, as they thought that is what Essex did.

I wouldn’t want to be the person in charge of finding spot fixing. Look at any Pakistani cricket game. Saeed Ajmal dropped three catches in one T20 match, Kamran Akmal refused to glove a ball cleanly against Australia, Mohammad Yousuf captained like it was his first game of cricket in the same game, Shahifd Afridi’s whole batting career must raise red flags and that is just the really blatantly obvious ones. It could be that all of these are match fixing, or that none are. How the fuck could we know?

Think about this scenario. An aging seamer is on his way out of international cricket, he is playing a one day international, and someone offers him 10,000 clams to bowl two wides in his 3rd over. He will make more with those two wides than he will playing close to ten ODIs. His international career is virtually over, he is cashing in, and all he has to do is remember to bowl two wides in his third over.

Do you think you could spot the difference between a bowler bowling two wides in an over on purpose or by accident?

Therein lies the problem. Unless the bookies are really poor with their choices of who they go after, or with the phone and money details, how would we know? We can’t rely on players as they are only human, some less so, the ICC can’t do much right, chances are they won’t make this their one victory and individual boards are likely to protect players involved as Australia has already done in the past. I’m not sure where that leaves us.

As fans we can do little more than hope more players forget to match fix like Herschelle Gibbs did, or the players and bookies involved make mistakes like they did with the newly born again sainted Hansie. Only a proper international scandal will make the bookies crawl back into their gutters for a while.

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Extracts from Herschelle Gibbs’ autobiography

At the moment, I have no access to Herschelle Gibbs’ book. But I assume it goes something like this.

On women:

“I’ve always respected women. When I’m in an orgy, I am constantly asking a woman if she is feeling ok, whether there is anything I can do to make her feel more comfortable. I’ve gone as far as paying for their taxi on the way home. You see, it doesn’t take much to treat a woman right after she’s let you cum in her ass and let her friend felch it out. Just a bit of respect. ”

On match fixing:

“To be honest, I’ve forgotten all the details.”

On the South African clique:

“One day I was pissed out of my mind, so I thought it would be cool to ask Graeme and Mark if I could join the leadership group. They said I had to go through an initiation. I thought it’d be fun, like paddles and shit. It started with me holding these two metal things E-somethings, and then they all yelled at me, pointing out all the mistakes I’d made, like not buying a copy of AB’s album, it took forever. The next part was me being locked in a room while they treated me like a dog. It was ok, until Jacque put a collar on me. That was weird. But then they asked me to watch Battlefield Earth, that film is seriously shit, so I decided to just forget about it”.

On drugs:

“I’ve tried buzz, scag, woop, pla, e, weed, 7, acid, purple drank, shrooms, s, charlie, ploppa, angel, sunshine, pebbles, kicker and zoom. Not all at once. That is an important lesson for all kids out there.”

On Jacques Kallis:

“I once saw him eat a live dog. He didn’t even shave it.“

On Hansie:

“I think he was the biggest influence on my life. Without him, I don’t know where I’d be. He was just the perfect specimen of manliness, sort of like Steve McQueen, but cooler. He wore the best leather jackets too. People may not like him, but you can’t deny what a great man he was for South African cricket. Sometimes when Graeme is yelling at us, I close my eyes and dream of Hansie. I always feel better afterwards.”

On Paul Harris:

“Who?”

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Ijaz Butt – Unplugged

It is easy to be negative. And fun.

But we should also continue to look for the positives in the latest accusations in world cricket.

That positive is Ijaz Butt.

Not happy with ruining everything in Pakistani cricket he has ever touched, he is now taking the most grown up stance in world cricket by saying, “we aren’t cheaters, you are cheaters, you’ve always hated us, your mum is fat”.

This kind of complete crazy bullshit nonsense could be used to make money.

And the PCB needs money.

So I’ve come up with a few ways that they can cash in on this amazing man.

Are you crazier than Ijaz Butt?

A game show where people are questioned on a number of high profile incidents or events, Princess Di and Tupac deaths, World Trade Centre, global warming, Aids and Justin Bieber. The person adjudged craziest from each week will be compared to Ijaz Butt’s answers on the same issues. To win a pile of cash you have to be voted crazier than Butt. The show is fixed though, as no one can be crazier than him.

Ijaz Butt – unplugged

A series of live Ijaz Butt stand up comedy routines edited into a best of DVD. Hear Ijaz Butt claim that the low crowd attendances are because of the English media, watch him mime Afridi putting a ball in his mouth, laugh as he asks, “what is the deal with Shoaib Ahktar?” His show stopper is a 20 minute smut filled monologue on how the CIA is bringing down the Pakistan cricket team with their rogue agent Shoaib Malik.

All that Ijaz

A reality TV show where you get a all access pass to follow Ijaz everywhere. Highlights include him complaining that Avatar, Miley Cyrus and Viagra are all conspiracies against Pakistan. Also, see Ijaz threaten a garden gnome for being a potential Indian Spy. Watch him foam out the mouth when the paper boy accidentally puts NOTW and the sun on his front porch.

Press Butt

Keep Ijaz Butt in his position in the PCB and open up all press conferences to the public at 20 bucks a pop. Sell Ijaz t-shirts outside. Or Ijaz bobble heads.

Agony Butt

Typical letter, “Hi Agony Butt, my friends and family have caught my boyfriend cheating on me several times, and I don’t trust him anymore, but I still love him, what should I do?” Typical response, “All your family and friends are out to get you, it is a huge conspiracy, they are the cheaters”.

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JROD DOES THE ASHES

Being that not enough of you have bought my book, I am forced to make my way into the real world of cricket writing.

Shame on you all.

For the ashes I wll be in the following places:

Helping Patrick Kidd and the Times audience understand Nathan Hauritz.

At TWC talking about the main match ups, the chin vs the chest.

At crikey I will be here, and here.

I might turn up here from time to time as well.

There is probably another one I have forgotten.

So if you catch yourself thinking, Jrod is quiet at the moment, perhaps you should check out some of these places.

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Cricket’s big balls

I have received links to this story from about 30 people.

I get less when Sehwagology appears somewhere.

So if you all want it, here it is.

I am a cricket, and these are my giant balls.

Can I just say that the main objection to my site’s logo is that I’ve made the balls too big, clearly that is not the case.

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CWB Books

Ashes 2009: when freddie became jesus

Gideon did one, Athers did one, and even the ECB did one.

But the Ashes couldn’t possibly be dealt with correctly until I stepped in.

So I have.

Cricket with balls is happy to present, ashes 2009: when freddie became jesus.

when freddie became jesus

Available now on Amazon.

On the back of the book it says:

Became Jesus
“He’s such a pleasure to watch that if I were a mad billionaire who hosted parties that people came to just because there was a lot of booze and freaky shit going on, I’d hire Ian Bell, strip him naked, oil him up and make him practise his cover drive for hours on end in a giant birdcage. Test cricket, though, isn’t that simple.”
So says Jarrod Kimber, who goes where other cricket chroniclers fear to tread. Having left behind a film-making career in Melbourne and with marriage to his Pom girlfriend imminent, Kimber, the Australian author of the cult blog cricketwithballs.com, finds himself in England for the 2009 series.

From his couch, in the stands, and with occasional press passes from the Wisden Cricketer, he produces a unique take on events on and off the field: when he’s not rubbing shoulders with cricket’s glitterati, he’s probably rubbing Steve Waugh up the wrong way. But amid the bawdy humour and ribald ranting is the kind of penetrating insight and love of the game that by the end of the
summer had journalists of a more conventional nature tapping cricketwithballs into their search engines.

So you really should buy it, if the ashes is your thing, it has 25% material from here, but the rest I just made up recently.

If it isn’t your thing, just click on the link to do me a favour.

Book number 2.

The year of the balls 2008: a cricket disrespective.

The book is available at Lulu, Amazon and Flipkart. For free worldwide delivery you can get it at the book depository.

Support independent publishing: buy this book on Lulu.

This is what it says on the back of the book:

“If Wisden is cricket’s bible, then Cricket With Balls is its Satanic Verses. This is not a cricket book for the tea and crumpet set. You need to be a perverted sort of cricket fan to enjoy this. You’ll find yourself immersed in the players’ boudoir activities, cry at the Bryce McGain saga and will be asked to join Sehwagology. There are heroes, villains and tales of South African redemption that will make you question the very core of your being. The book has more cricket opinion than an orgy with Peter Roebuck, Navjot Sidhu, Arjuna Ranatunga and Geoffrey Boycott. Abducted directly from the blog cricketwithballs.com, this is the ultimate disrespective of the 2008 cricket year.”

10 reasons to buy the book:

1. Every book you buy is a slap in the face of Ricky, Lalit, Sourav, and South Africans.

2. Sehwag commands you.

3. Where else are you going to get a book with Jacques Kallis having sex and a complete list of world cricket blogs.

4. If I don’t sell many copies I will have to get a real journalist type job and write for cricinfo.

5. I have a list for all the people who have told me they have bought it, but haven’t, and I’ll be coming around your house with a machete.

6. You’d buy me a beer if you met me, so buy my book.

7. Dirty Dirk & Nice Bryce’s literary debut.

8. If my book fails, I’ll be so broke I’ll have to start ghost writing for Tony Grieg.

9. Being successful will take me one step closer to Natalie Portman.

10. To stop me talking about it.

For those intense CWB fans.

Autographed copies: Some of you sick fuckers may want me to sign your copy, happy to do so. That will bring the total up to 10 quid, not because my signature is worth that much, but because of the fucking around, you will also understand, I hope, that it will take longer to get to you.The autographs can be personalised. Just email me at cwb@cricketwithballs.com and i’ll sort ya out.

Cricket Blogger’s Incentive: You might be thinking, why do I want a cricket with balls book, i write my own blog and I rule. Well how about the fact at the ass end of the book I have included every cricket blog from my cricket blog links (that I had up by December 31 2008). So you can buy the book and show your girl, guy, prostitute, mother or parole officer your blog in print. Pretty hot huh.

The book: It is essentially a best of 2008 from this very site. Now I know what you are thinking, I already read every post religiously then print them out and keep them under my pillow. But this has a proper cover, and I have fixed some of the errors. It clocks in at 163 pages, and has all my favourite posts from last year. Unless you are a freak you probably haven’t read every one. Don’t feel obligated to buy it, it isn’t like I have given you thousands of free posts without really profiting enough to buy a nice new suit.

The foreword: Yes it is the real Gideon Haigh, I cannot believe how many people have already asked that. I know I take the piss a little, but I wouldn’t put a bloke’s name on the front if it wasn’t really him. If you want know how I got someone this respected guy to do my foreword, let me just say I can be very persuasive with a crow bar when holding someone’s cat.

Self Published: Essentially this is published by Lulu, but there is no publisher pushing it. The English publishers thought it was too Australian, and the Australian publishers thought it was too International. So I just published it myself, as I think it is the dogs balls. The quality is good, but I do not believe it is quite a 100% professional quality book, more 90%, but at the same time I’m not printing these in my bathroom, Lulu is a professional printer. Why are you still reading this shit, buy the damn book already.

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Everybody Talkin’ Bout Gilly

IPLNot yet.

But they will.

You can already hear the foxsports reporters sharpening their pencils and and getting ready to talk about the magical Adam Gilchrist and his innings of mass destruction in the IPL.

There will be no talk of his dropped catch or missed byes.

They are no downers when we reflect on the glory days.

If Australia lose one game in the world twenty20 thingy there will be talk of how we should ask Gilly probably Hayden back into the side.

It won’t happen (because it is stupid), but just talking about it will keep the mouth breathers happy.

Gilchrists innings was amazing.

Nannes was taken apart, Sangwan was dismissed, Nehra was brought back to earth, and Sehwag was bent over and made to say ‘i do not believe in sehwagology’ as Gilly spanked that ass.

At one stage it looked like he was going to knock up a 30 ball hundred.

But he did drop a catch, and did miss some simple byes.

I may be the only Australian who will write that.

And if some young journalist with integrity tries to write it over at foxsports, the editor will take that line out quicker than you can say, “Scott Styris is a sex god”.

I love Gilly, but there is a reason he is retired, and a cameo, even one as sexy as this, shouldn’t change anything.

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