Jarrod Kimber's Blog, page 96

ignoring cricketers when they speak

When this blog started I would take what cricketers say before a series very seriously.

Well not seriously, obviously I'd take the piss, but I'd repeat the comments and then find a way to mock them.

Then I stopped.

Mostly.

But it is hard.

Players, commentators and coaches say lots of shit before a series.

You want to ignore it, because both sides usually do it, and then it sort of evens it self out.

On occasions there is a comment so stupid that it tempts you, gets you drooling, gives you the shakes, makes you wanna lick the toilet seat, if you know what I mean.

You've got to stay strong though, because even repeating one stupid pre-series statement can become a trend that you can't get out of in a hurry.

For instance, lets say a test captain on the eve of an important series was to question the strength of the opposition's batting line up.

Also assume that this captain has a batting line up that has been faltering for ages without him really seeming to do anything about it.

This captain would presumably have not thought through his comments and how they might actually make people look at his shit batting line up.

Imagine all the posts I could write about a comment like this from a hypocritical captain who lives in a bubble.

It would be so easy to have fun at his expense.

Perhaps trop out stats about his top order, or even the amount of times they've been "unlucky".

But then I'm back in it.  Back at the grind.

Getting cheap laughs from a stupid half thought out comment just to amuse you.

And who wants that?

I'm better than that, and so are you.

So I shall stay true to my new ideals and not take the piss out of any stupid comments by cricketers before a series.

During a series, or just general stupid comments, will still be taken the piss out of when deemed appropriate and no videos of Murali, chicken and a semen like substance are shown to me.

[image error]

Murali licks his fingers

Nick left this in the comments, and I think it needs a wider audience.



I've never been a big fan of the catchphrase, finger lickin' good.

It dates back to when I was a kid when I saw a guy come out of a bedroom he had briefly shared with a young female and he licked his fingers and then said the phrase.

I have nothing against fingering people, but men licking fingers is never good.

When a woman licks a finger it brings up connotations of fellating, the problem is, that is does for men as well.

So now, thanks to some shitty fried chicken corporation I have the image of Murali blowing someone in my head.

Then, as if the metaphor of him sucking his fingers isn't bad enough, they plop down a huge white substance, which I am sure is tasty, but does pass more than a casual resemblance to human ejaculate.

I bet a lot of mention discovered new feelings after seeing this ad.

Possibly a few dreams about magic fingers…

[image error]

Fire in Babylon

I've just come home from the World Premiere of a new documentary about cricket, Fire In Babylon.

It should be noted that I wasn't invited as some sort of viral thing, but that I bought a ticket to a film and the showing I went to happened to be a world premiere.  I did weasel my way into the after party though. Whisky cocktails aren't to be shitted at.

The film was good too.

Really good.

It was political, crickety, had a kick ass soundtrack and vision of Rodney Hogg hitting Viv Richards.

It is essentially a love letter to the great West Indies team of the 70s and 80s.

Told in their words, the players tell you how they were racially abused by aussie crowds, racially profiled by the English media, willing to kill a few Indians, and all that other good stuff while they show more short balls that hit people than I might have seen in the last 10 years combined.

The film is not perfect.

It skips over several cool things like Wes Hall, Frank Worrell, when they used spinners to bore people, white captains and even George Headley.

It is amazing to see a film about West Indies cricket that Garfield Sobers is no more than a whisper in.

Even Malcolm Marshall is largely ignored as the film stops in 1984.

But what I like about it the most is that it is just about one period in cricket.

Too many cricket films try and cover too much, this limits it self to one period.

I might have done it slightly differently and used the 60/61 tour as a building block to the mid 70s, but this still worked.

It's also important to note that this was a film made by a fan of the 80s windies and not a cricket fan.

That isn't a flaw, but a different take on what most cricket nerds (and there were plenty of us in discussion afterwards) would have made.

This is cricket's answer to When we were kings, and while it wasn't as good, it was still a top cricket documentary.

The two reasons to see this film to me are that Don Bradman's name is never uttered and that Bunny Wailer is in it.

Plus, the combination of lots of men getting hit and Andy Roberts oneliners is worth a ticket alone.

I found it quite inspiring, and hopefully the good reviews mean that others can make similar documentaries, and by others, I mean me.

If you're in London, the film's second showing still has tickets.

As for a general release in other places, they still haven't sold it, so I have no idea.

[image error]

DJ Sammy is captain of the Windies and sweet as honey

Some of you might think that with Chris Gayle getting removed as captain, the West Indies will lose a certain cool edge.

I can understand, while DJ Sammy has the most perfectly shaped head in human existence, he is not the obvious cool guy that Gayle is.

That doesn't mean we should write him off straight away, as readers of Sammy's twitter will know, the man can smut it up with the best of them.

Like this.

Jesus christ was crucified when he was sin less… So I'm entitled to be crucified a million times cause I'm not even worth to tie his lace

Sorry, that was his Johan Botha impersonation.

I meant like this.

Off to bedrock, no honey from the comb cause queen B is not present. Dam I miss that honey to sweeten my juice..

OK, that could be just about honey and juice, but what about this.

My balls will be swinging in and out today and I'll get the break thru the gully region…but also my fineleg will be closely monitored

Sure, you could read that as a cricket related tweet.  Try the next one.

Finally captain moves me but then puts me MIDwicket….I'm loving my new position No Balls cumming there..

CUM on, this has to be dirty.

This honey from the comb has me fielding at fine leg or slips position..captain please change my position cause the balls getting slippery.

Slippery balls, well you know the dew can be a problem in night games.

Just saw a trail of ants following my marriage footprints..hmmm this means the honey is overflowing…hmm sweet as..

I hope this is sexual, otherwise his lady is oozing actual honey.

If u looking me u can find me when u get the queen bee ..I'm dipping my life in some honey from the honeycomb…sweet as..

More honey.

Daaam honey from the moon taste finger licking good…sweet as

And more honey.

It is possible that in the history of test cricket no test captain has used honey more as a sexual reference on twitter.

I will support Sammy forever if in every press conference he uses the honey metaphor to describe random bits of play.

Or, if he dips himself in honey.

[image error]

don't say the B word

There have been a few times in the last few years when a certain side has done something good.

Some of us have got excited in the past,  we talk them up saying  how this could be the win the makes them legitimate.

The thought of a new test playing nation who can actually play from a country addicted to cricket is enough for us to have nothing but hope.

But no matter how much we talk them up not long after that they go back to being shit and we all get  disappointed again.

So I'm proposing we do something different this time.

Let's not even mention the team who won, or their win.

Just pretend nothing happened at all.

If they string three good performances in a row, then maybe we can mention their name again.

There is no need to put any extra pressure on them, their just young kids trying to make their way in this world.

Saying their name after impressive performances has never stopped them playing shit shortly after, so hopefully just ignoring their win will be enough for them to keep trying to get us to say their name, instead of getting excited when they do actually win.

It's a top effort, but if they fall apart next series, it's a waste of every ones time.

[image error]

Buy Kamran Akmal's Gloves

There is a brilliant ebay sale going on at the moment, and you all should go there.

It is for match worn Kamran Akmal gloves.

These gloves.

[image error]

the soft touch

I assume there are other wicket keeping gloves that are match worn on ebay.

Perhaps an old pair of gillys, or some Tim Ambrose signed gloves, it could even be a Partiv Patel pair. There is a lot of match worn gear on the net.

But these are special, because these are the only match worn wicket keeping gloves in history that are still untouched by a cricket ball.

They'll feel like they've been worn, but not used.

There will be no scuff marks, wear and tear, just brand new gloves with the essence of Kamran sprinkled all over them.

Buy them now, only Kamran Akmal can offer match worn keeping gloves in pristine condition.

[image error]

The Ashes are tough on Jimmy Anderson

Ceci has nailed the whole Jimmy Anderson crisis in picture.

I do love how this story spread on twitter, first Jimmy was dead, 90 minutes later he was sore, and two hours after that he was having coffee with a team mate.

In completely unrelated news, some men take a rib out to self fellate themselves.

[image error]

The matrix is not real

Mike Hussey's batting average was once in the 80s, and I believed this was proof of the matrix.

Now it is below 50, and once again we are free to live our life without fear that robotic overlords have given us a false reality in order to use our bodies as batteries.

Thankfully.

This is the code that proved to me that the Matrix was indeed a lie.

[image error]

[image error]

It isn't just bowlers who lose their nip

Over the last year I have been looking at the Australian line up underperforming, and I thought it was just a form thing.  Now I realise that is something way deeper than that.

A great deal of the Australian batsman have lost their nip.  For many years I have heard of many bowlers losing their nip.  Andy Caddick, Matthew Hoggard, Jason Gillespie, Stuart Clark are just a few names that people throw out there.

Batsman can't lose nip.  It is a largely made up term just for the excuse of dropping bowlers.

Fuck that though, batsman have nip too.  They have footwork nip, concentration nip and consistency nip.  So these are the three batsman in the Australian line up who have lost their nip.

It doesn't mean they should be dropped, as nip is not the be all and end all, but the losing of nip must be reported on by any caring media type.

Ponting – His nip has been lost and you can see it by the fact he now lacks the judgement to make a single and short balls are suddenly his enemy.  He has also not questioned anyone's integrity for the longest time.

Hussey – Average of 84 after 20 tests, Averaging 34 in his next 34 tests.  That is nip suicide, my friends.  His nip left the building 35 tests ago, and since then his nipless self has managed 3 test centuries.

North – I got a bunch of correspondence from people saying, you poor thing, you bag North and he makes runs, you must feel like an idiot.  No, I feel vindicated.  North made a hundred in a 2 test series, and still his career average went down slightly.  And being that he averaged 37 coming in, you'd think with one hundred in two tests that would go up, not down.  It is possible that North has no nipples, let alone nip.

Internationally there are other losses in nip.

Rahul Dravid has lost nip with only one good year in his last 4, he should retire and become  president of the world.

Sanath Jayasuriya needed presidential pardons when his nip left.

Yasir Hameed lost his nip NOTW has claimed in an exclusive that will shake up the cricket world.

Paul Collingwood, although some would argue that losing his nip has helped him succeed.

Ofcourse others who don't bat or bowl have lost their nip.

Billy Bowden's nip has been gone for years, his weird umpiring kinks are part of an occult belief that he hopes will bring them back.

Tony Greig sold his nip to get a surround sound system years ago.

Lalit Modi's nip has been confiscated by the ED after he tweeted about it.

Jrod lost his nip years ago in a nasty foreskin/zipper accident.

[image error]

Nathan Hauritz must be banned from test cricket

During the last day's play Nathan Hauritz committed cricket's ultimate sin, chucking.

It was an obvious chuck as he tried desperately to get Australia back in the game.

The ball was the 15degree testing doosra.

The one cricket delivery that gets people bowling topless in Perth with white patches on their chest more than any other.

While some bowlers bowl this ball in such a way that it defeats the batsman, Hauritz's versions just sort of limped down the wicket and it looked like Sachin knew he was bowling it before he did.

I noticed the doosra before the ball landed, I noticed it because Hauritz clearly changed his action and threw the ball.

Next to me was the bear from test match sofa, who also called the chuck, and then the doosra.  On twitter it seemed that only a handful of people mentioned it.  Google news also has no news of it.

Somehow this doosra has been lost while the media talked about Shane Warne and Ricky Ponting fighting over Hauritz's stupid field placements.

This could be a conspiracy to cover up a doosra, or just star power overshadowing what to some people might be a fairly uneventful moment in cricket.

This is eventful, majorly eventful.  An Australian is bowling a delivery that Australian's believe is a chuck.

He is also bowling it in a way that makes it look even more like a chuck that it usually does.

So there is only one thing to do, Cricket Australia must take Nathan Hauritz out of test cricket.

No testing, no remodelling of actions, no ban on bowling a doosra, Australia needs to get old school on this.

They need to treat Hauritz the same way two Victorians were once treated, by taking them out of cricket straight away without any sort of fair hearing.

The Meckiff/Corbett rule should be used so that all we have is some backroom whispers and then lack of Hauritz name on the team sheet.

It should happen just that quick and quietly, like a 1950s hit.

As Australians we take chucking very seriously, and if this means getting rid of our first choice spinner, well that is just the decision we will have to make to keep our integrity.

Sorry, Nathan, but you must go for the greater good.  As much as it pains me.

[image error]