Jarrod Kimber's Blog, page 99
October 4, 2010
Billy Bowden and KRUD
Billy Bowden is perhaps the most amazing umpire in cricket history. With little umpiring skill at all he has managed to make it to the pinnacle of cricket with stupid gestures and nerd chic.
If umpires were under the same scrutiny from selectors as cricketers are, he probably would find himself umpiring cricket games in Queenstown during the winter.
Instead he is propelled into the test arena to ensure that we all have someone to laugh at. Like, Pauley Shore. The problem is, the laughs stopped about 10 tests in, and now what you have is cricket's own bio-dome being replayed endlessly.
Even when Billy is in form, he never looks that confident. Today was not a day of form.
On a day when India and Australia put on a gourmet day of cricket, Billy took a shit on the buffet.
First was the Michael Clarke dismissal, or not. A simple caught at midwicket turned into a soap opera as Billy couldn't decide if it was a no ball or not.
Then one of two scenarios played out:
Enter the KRUD (Katich Review of Umpiring Decisions). The newest innovation by the ICC to steam line the UDRS system. With Katich in place, no umpire ever needs to feel uncertain again as Katich can tell them what they need to know. Even if – upon watching the replay many times – it appears that he is not watching the crease. When signalling a KRUD you should choke yourself in the direction of the 3rd umpire.
Billy saw what he thought was a no ball, but then got caught up in the game and suddenly realised he hadn't called it.
Neither scenario shows him in good light.
Later on Billy decided to intervene again when Ishant Sharma appealed for a leg before and Billy seemed to be deciding if it was out or not, but then called it a no ball several long seconds later. When the ball was bowled, there is no audible call.
Now, this seems simple enough, it is either a no ball, and therefore needs no deciding, or it is not a no ball, and you can give your decision.
As it turned out the ball pitched a fraction outside leg stump, not that Billy ever made a decision about that.
That one got worse when Billy's no ball decision was just wrong. Late, wrong and nervy, just what we want from an umpire.
Somewhere in there he made an excellent decision for a caught behind, but people knew he was just building the drama for later on. No one took it serious. "Oh, that Billy, what a jokester".
The final act was just for Indian fans, a personal message of gratitude. It was a tough one, and against the flow of no balls, a surprise ending, but giving \ Gotham City Gambhir out for dragging a ball from well wide of off stump back onto his pads was just about perfect.
It was the perfect end to his day.
And, hopefully his career.
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previously at mohali
Just when it looked like Australia had lost all hope and fielding skill…
Australia
Ricky Ponting has had a few nightmares recently of the Indian top order tearing his weak bowling line up apart. At 350 for only 4 wickets, which was really only 3, he was seeing it all come true. then, India were out. Suddenly he must have assumed that was the sort of dream you wake up to with a wet patch and some embarrassment.
India
There was a time when it looked likely that India could bat for 12 days before getting bowled out by Australia. Somehow, that didn't happen. What happened was a sort of fast-motion slow-feeling collapse that had more to do with the fact Australia wouldn't go away, than India playing shit shots.
Who's in front
Yet again, we are level. Because of the exact position of the game, India are more of a chance of winning, and so they should be, at least they batted like humans in their innings.
Play of the day
The looks on the faces of the crowd when Sachin went out. It is worth him making a 90odd just to see the humanity in the crowd when he goes out.
Testicular moment of the day
It doesn't make a lot of sense that Mitchell Johnson bowls well in India. The only other places he bowls well are on hard bouncy wickets; so going to India should be another reason for him to have an emotionally negative reaction to cricket. But, that was some bowling, five wickets in India's top eight on a pitch that was doing anything for him without the help of any violent reverse swing. He is the sole reason, with bat and ball, that Australia have a lead and aren't begging for mercy at the toes of India. Perhaps that tattoo has restricted blood to his head, which can only be a good thing for Australia.
Working class moment of the day
I've always thought of Raina as a pretty batsman. This innings, was not so much about the pretty. Forget about him getting hit, just look at how he played the spinners. He seemed determined to go out to them. North and Hauritz beat him in flight more than they beat the combined 10 other batsmen in flight. Raina got through it, with good luck and good determination, but then played across the line of one that kept low before cashing in on a century. Damn.
Weird factoid of the day
Sachin Tendulkar has extended his world record for the most dismissals to rubbish spinners. Ravi said, "A truly special effort that will never be matched. He leaves Bradman in his wake. To beat Sachin's achievement someone would have to start at the age of 15 and play for over 20 years while going out to useless spinners at the rate of 1 in 4 innings, you just can't see it happening".
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October 3, 2010
For Andre Nel
I get it, man. You aren't the first person to find their life in complete shit and think that the easiest thing to do is suicide.
I've been there too. It is shit, and once the darkness comes around it can be a hard thing to look past. It gets in your mind and makes you think that there is only one way out, a simple clean solution that will end all the shit.
It does pass.
Obviously, I've never been involved in a public love scandal, or for that matter, a private one, so I'll never know what it is like to be taken through the public ringer. That said, everything passes. The good and the bad.
This I have lived through, so if this news of your attempted suicide is for real, you need to think again.
Mistakes are to learn from, not to run from. I've made a lot of them, but you get through it, and things are ok. Not always great, but life isn't a hallmark card, shit happens.
Cricket doesn't need another player dead from his own hand.
And your soon to be born child will definitely need you.
Where you put your penis matters little to me as long as you stop short of the underage or animals. That is for you and your family. Your penis, as impressive as it may be, is no concern of mine.
I didn't like your cricket because I assumed you were fidelity minded.
I liked it because you tried really hard. You showed more effort than an entire generation of South Africans before you. Every ball was a battle, every moment was important, and yet you still enjoyed yourself. A crazy fucked up clown who could bowl for hours on end on the worst of days. I, and more than a few others, loved it.
People like me equate cricket and life far too much, so I don't see how someone who could bowl so many tough spells into the wind on flat tracks with a cheeky grin could then give up outside of cricket. How can you be tough in front of millions, and fragile when on your own?
That is, ofcourse, complete bullshit. Being tough on a cricket field has nothing to do with real life. It is a shame though, because if you could reach any of that strength you showed on a cricket field I doubt you'd be where you are now.
Like you, I do know what it is like to run out of options, to feel like everything you have done is one big mistake, like you are cursed into stupid actions, to feel like there is only one solution, and that no matter how bad suicide is, that it will somehow erase everything before it. That moment where hope of life ever getting better just doesn't seem possible.
I've had moments where I've considered it, planned it, been seconds from doing it, but I've always stopped.
Not because I think suicide is wrong, or the easy option, or the selfish one, or even because my family would have been upset, but because suicide is just shit.
Sure, I get it for paedophiles, murderers, and poets trying to get famous.
For regular people, with regular problems (getting caught with your dick in the cookie jar is a pretty normal problem), suicide is a massive overreaction.
And a waste of time.
Sure your cricket career is almost over, and your marriage might never be saved, that is all shit, life doesn't stop though, even if you stop your own.
You might find you have skill in acting (Gunter was one hell of a performance), you might write a book or host a radio show that brings people pleasure, hell, you might just become a property developer who donates money to charity or enjoy watching Julia Roberts' films. Anything is possible.
Had I quit life I would never have started cwb, got a wife, seen Donnie Darko, or experienced Sehwag make a 99* not out in Dambulla.
I can only speak for myself, Andre, but I think you can do better than suicide.
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balls profile: kyle mills
Has the unique ability to be the world's number one ODI bowler while still being unknown to his closest friends. If you are discussing him with people it is best if you don't use his name but actually just mention the guy with the hair of a greek wrestler. His bowling action is perhaps the neatest bowling action in world cricket, and it then propels length balls at a moderate pace that swing just a touch. Has played for two IPL sides without anyone noticing. Writes pulp crime novels in his spare time.
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October 2, 2010
previously at mohali
Australia took it so slow their date almost left and India had the panties off before they got inside.
Australia
The way Australia has batted in India over the last few series makes you feel like the place has a different gravitational pull. Somehow they still found their way to 420odd, which is something. It was determined, but like watching someone constipated sitting on a toilet.
India
Had the opportunities to bowl Australia out for 250. But catching was not their thing. Ofcourse with Sehwag in your team bad fielding and odd captaincy are quickly forgotten. Still have a way to go, but could be in front by stumps if things go right for them.
Who's in front
420 is still 420, but, it seems that only luck and recreational drugs could be the reason for India not making this total. So it is pretty level, in fact, it has been a pretty level test so far.
Play of the day
Sehwag gave us a brief sermon, but then went out. It happens. He wasn't happy though, and walked off the field hitting his own head with his fist. Not enough players do that.
Testicular moment of the day
India looked flat and bored in the field, but test matches don't start for them till Sehwag walks in. 54 balls is all he was in for. It made a statement, and it certainly got India out of a funk. Special mention to Mitchell Johnson for batting like he had a pulse.
Working class moment of the day
It has been 11 tests since Brad Haddin made more than 92 runs. He is 7 years older than Tim Paine. So was Paine 8 runs away from a permanent test place? He now has three innings to show he is the future and Brad Haddin was just a dream I had when I overdosed on cough medicine.
Best comment of the day
"They really enjoy their cricket here in India" Brad Hogg.
Weird factoid of the day
Sehwag has made half centuries in a record equaling 11 tests in a row, in a stunning coincidence I have haderections during all 11 tests.
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Go Pies
This post has nothing to do with cricket.
Well, it happened at the MCG.
So there is that.
But, anyway.
Go pies.
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balls profile: Mohammad Ashraful
Started his test career with a hundred on debut. What an idiot. As if he was ever going to live up to that. Still has the talent, but if Bangladeshi cricket ever had a Mickey Rourke figure it would be Ashraful. His form has been so bad for so long that when he gets picked even the selectors apologise. Is perhaps the worst leaver of a cricket ball in the history of cricket, although hitting it has not done him much good either. Is currently working on a shot that looks like a leave but is actually a flick off the pads for 2. His nickname is Crashraful, it is not an ironic nickname.
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previously at mohali
Australia batted like bowl cancer while India got their shit together.
Australia
Must have been pissing themselves at how easy the first session was, but once the wickets fell having a tailender coming in at 6 was a mistake. Must be commended for the tremendous way they batted while being in a coma.
India
The collection of moody misanthropic motherfuckers that India sent out in the first session was interesting. However, purposefully injuring Ishant Sharma was the best thing they could have ever done. Then they rode the slow cheap Ojha train to stumps.
Who's in front
India should be every pleased. After one session they were out locked out of the house, by the end they had shimmied through the window, taken out the alarm, and were looking for the breakfast cereal.
Play of the day
Sending someone off who was run out when you had nothing to do with it and they are looking the other way is a dick move. However, when you do a dick move to a dick, is it still a dick move. I'm not really sure, but the Khan and Ponting incident seemed funny to me.
Testicular moment of the day
Shane Watson is a special case. Even on his best day no one really wants to give him credit, but this was a solid test innings. It wasn't brilliant, and he didn't give Australia the momentum that could have crushed India, but without him Australia would be almost out of this game. If you'd said to me 2 years ago that Watson would open up this seriesette with a treacle like hundred when opening the batting, I would have smeared mustard on your face and run off screaming. Now, it seems about right.
Working class moment of the day
I've always loved the curve of Pragyan Ojha, he is almost Raju like when delivering the ball. In T20 cricket I think he can be the hardest bowler in world cricket to get away, I didn't really think that miserly stuff would work as well in test cricket. Today, it worked like buggery. He kept India in the match when the other three were donating runs, but 31 overs without a wicket, when you only go for 39 runs, is harsh man. Hopefully he picks some cheap ones up at the end, because this guy deserved wickets.
Weird factoid of the day
For the 19th time after a Marcus North dismissal I considered killing someone. Him.
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October 1, 2010
why and how I would kill marcus north
If Marcus North and I were spies on the same side, I would kill him.
Not because I think he is a double agent, or even someone who could be flipped.
I would kill him because he cannot be trusted to perform his job.
Sure he is a nice guy, speaks well, gets his haircut in a predictable neat fashion, bowls less than shit off spin, has an "organised" game and has genuine strategic skills, but, he is not so much about the batting.
In 18 tests, 13 times he hasn't reached 10.
Another 8 times he hasn't reached 25.
In his over 7 innings he has done quite well.
And good for him, he was probably never really expected to make test cricket, and definitely surprised everyone with his 18 tests, but that is enough.
He isn't quite up to it, and few are.
If Test Cricket were easy I'd be average 37 in it.
But, being nice and occasionally functional is not a thing.
It is far from a fucking thing.
It is a complete waste of everyone's time.
This isn't some young gun Australia are trying to give some games to so that he can grow like a rare flower in the future, he is 31.
And test after test he fails.
When he makes runs it shouldn't be called a success, but a failure to fail.
This hurts me all the more because of all the Australian players in the team at the moment, I could see myself most likely with North on a balcony at 3am sipping whiskey while discussing socialism and it's effect on Miike films.
But, if we were to do that now, and we were both spies, I'd have to pretend to get him some whiskey while I actually come up behind him and inject him with one of those CIA drugs that makes it look like natural causes.
I don't want to have to do it, but Cricket Australia won't take him out of the field, and if someone doesn't get rid of North, I fear for my own fragile mental state.
Murder is not always the answer, but you know, sometimes it kind of is.
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balls profile: zaheer khan
Blessed with shoulders like a cartoon superhero and a permanent three day growth, Zaheer was set up perfectly to take over the Indian bowling line up. Was once the new Wasim, and while that title didn't ruin him, he is less Wasim than Wasim, although he is more Wasim than Waqar, and he is definitely not the new McGrath. The left armed shouldery action looks great, and swings like the shit, but also injures him, a lot. Perhaps because no person was supposed to have those shoulders. Has the highest score ever made by a number 11 in test cricket, but it was against Bangladesh, so no one cares. Looks like he should run a large gym franchise and date C list celebrities whilst driving a sports car. Has a wicked bowling jump. Doesn't like jelly beans.
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