Jarrod Kimber's Blog, page 100
September 30, 2010
WG Grace ate my pedalo
[image error]Actually, he didn't.
But he seems to have eaten the pedalo of Alan Tyers and Beach.
Alan Tyers was once called a friend of a gigolo for writing about Sachin Tendulkar.
I'm not sure that is a reason to buy this book, but it is close enough.
Another reason might be this: "Mr Silas Broad (Nee Miss Amelia Blennerhasset) Beyond question one of the most talented young cricketers ever to undergo gender re-assignment surgery."
I think this means they are calling Staurt Broad a sissy, or at least, intersex.
Also, Alan Tyers and I recently formed the Comedy Cricket Writers Club.
There are probably other reasons to buy the book, but I like these ones.
So buy the book if you want.
[image error]
September 29, 2010
balls profile: mike hussey
The greatest anomaly in the matrix ever, the former king probot started his career so well that it was impossible to trust in reality. Then, he became shit, and we all bought it again. Now he is somewhere in the middle. His batting swings between saving Australia in matches they shouldn't win, and looking like he is only walking out to make a duck. Considering his often great performances are against Pakistan, it is amazing he has never been looked into by the ICC. His batting has more nerdish intensity than a twilight/star trek crossover convention.
[image error]
Lalit Modi to chair the ICL
Indian Cricket League announces today that Lalit Modi will be accounced as chairman of the Indian Cricket League from 1 November 2010.
Lalit Modi, who has recently stepped down as chairman of the IPL and Vice President of the BCCI, will join the Indian Cricket League to give the company more focus and make it an international player again.
Mr Chandra said: "I am delighted to be handing over to Lalit. He is one of India's leading franchise cricket operators and has strong links to the players. He got KP on twitter, that is pretty impressive".
"I am sure his vast experience, particularly in backroom politicking and blatant self promotion, will be of great benefit to the ICL in ensuring our continued resurgence as India's leading rebel cricket league."
"The ICL was originally in direct competition with Lalit Modi's IPL, we were not strong enough to defeat him. With Lalit on our side, we have the BCCI's rabid corporate dog on our side, and we hope he will take a bite or two for us."
Lalit said: "You thought I wuz finished, well fuq all ya zeros. The ICL iz gettin wit da hero, biaches. Yall bettah git on yo' knees an' pray I don't sheeit in yo' breakfast. I gots lot o' enemies in dis here world, but they'll be gone soon, Ima gonna rip dis here sheeit up, three blackberries at once, press conferences wit players on twitter, cigarette companies owning everyfuckenthing, coke (not pepsi), da blingiest shirts ever, uh celebrity playin in every team, Russian owners, nahh Chris fucken Cairns, players tweeting on da field, iphone apps available fo' wicket keepers, holograms on da cheeks o' bowlers as dey come in, every blade o' grass will be branded. This sheeit iz about ta git tight, so buckle up mudda fuckers. The ICL just got entered by Lalit, nothin gonna be da same. The ICL wuz like me, dead, but we's iz risin up from da dead ta jack yo' ride an' fuq yo' daughter. ICL ta da death, homes."
The ICL is already signing some big name players because of Lalit's comeback, it is believed Andy Bichel, Craig White, Mark Richardson and Basit Ali have all signed up.
[image error]
September 28, 2010
Hodgicide: the final cut
They gave him a chance, and he kicked its ass, but then they took it away, laughed at him and made him appear in a wine ad with Stuey MacGill.
His name is Brad Hodge; he'll cut you to hell.
From the makers of Machete, Lagaan and To hell with Nel comes this modern day cricksploitation film starring Brad Hodge, Pat Symcox, Bill Lawry, Bumble Lloyd and an assortment of cricket's sexiest women (Ellyse Perry, Allison Mitchell, Mandira Bedi and Aisha Linnea Akthar).
We see Hodge not long after he has been dropped from the Australian team; he is drinking whiskey and looking angry. A suit sits next to him orders a bear and tells him that he will never play another test again. Hodge slowly nods and slaps the guy on the back a few times, each one getting a little harder until he slams the guys throat into his beer bottle, ripping his throat in half.
With the guy slumped over the bar, blood squirting out of his throat and the barman trying to help him, Hodge just ambles out of the bar like he is on his way to the wicket.
The title comes up, "Hodgicide: the final cut".
We then follow Hodge as he kills the all the Australian selectors. Merv is strangled with his moustache, Boon is beaten to death with beer cans, we don't see Jamie Cox die and Hodge uses the jaw of Hildictch's dog as a weapon to kill him.
When he isn't killing he is sleeping with sexy women, sharpening his weapons, or coaching underage cricketers in the square drive.
The police are after him, Pat Symcox's role as the brutal Australian police chief is flawless, and so are the underground, with Bumble as a comically accented mob boss who wants Hodge killed for his innings in Perth against the Saffas.
Hodge is like a ghost though, being that he played no international cricket for years, no one can remember what he looks like. At every murder sight he leaves his test match average and a witty line about what sport he should take up next. "55.88, maybe I should take up the luge."
A news reporter describes him as, "small, fiery, tougher than hell and with the scary eyes of an aggrieved man, if you see Hodge in the street, you won't be able to run quick enough".
Even with all the selectors dead, Hodge's revenge has not ended, and after talking to his priest, Bill Lawry, he then takes after all those who went before him in the top order.
Hodge appears before Shane Watson like a ghost, and then decapitates him with a broken mirror. He chokes the life out of Simon Katich. Kills Michael Clarke in the shower, stopping to take a photo of it. Attacks Phil Hughes' throat. Cuts Phil Jaques head straight off. And then finds himself face to face with Ricky Ponting where he questions his integrity, hard.
The final scene is the sexiest, thrillingest, bloodiest son of a bitch scene you've will ever see from two top order batsmen.
Hodgicide: the final cut will be out in November, follow the trail of blood to your local cinema.
[image error]
balls profile: steve tikolo
Few minnow players ever become legends that you think about late at night in bed. Steve Tikolo has not done that. He has achieved a very long career that people notice every three years or so. A batsman of fair talent with a solid middle on him. Tikolo captained the great Kenyan side of the 03 world cup, and probably several other rubbish Kenyan sides. Has played in more meaningless ODI matches than any player from a non test playing nation. Played his first game for Kenya in 1964. Would have been a very handy county cricketer if ever given the chance. Tikolo obviously agrees, as his body size has mimicked that of many county pros for years.
[image error]
September 27, 2010
balls profile: Dale Steyn
While many talk about the speed and swing that Dale Steyn bring to the game that make him the world's most destructive bowler, I can't look past his upper lip. Even when Steyn has shaved in the morning, by lunch he seems to have a shadow on the lip. A thick shadow. It hypnotises me, drawing me in when others may be focusing on cricket. What could he be if he just let that moustache grow? Until he grows that tache, I can't really judge him as a player. Dale Steyn probably deserves a...
September 26, 2010
balls profile: Lasith Malinga
Early on his career, Lasith Smith, realised he was often called a slinger because of his peculiar round arm action he had. So he changed his last name to Malinga so he could get a rhyming nickname. Perhaps no other bowler in history has constantly made the umpires change their appearance to make it easier for batsman to see the ball. Took four wickets in four balls once, Sri Lanka lost that game. Doesn't seem to bowl anywhere near as fast as he used to. Has realised that his action is...
September 25, 2010
balls profile: Jacob Oram
If a sign of greatness was being able to make Ian Smith orgasm at the mere mention of your name, there would be no greater player than Jacob Oram. Places his medium pace on the pitch not known to most men his size, hits the ball hard when it is placed in his hard to find hitting zone. There was a time when he was so prepared to prove how tough he was he considered cutting his own finger off to play in a world cup, he didn't, the big softy. Has been called the perfect boyfriend for his hard ...
