Jarrod Kimber's Blog, page 98

AB de Villiers rocks out with stethoscopes

The bio for AB de Villier's latest song says, "It's no secret that sports and music are a perfect match". Isn't it? Now I feel out of the loop.

So I watched AB's song to see this sporting musical symmetry that AB hinted at with "show them who you are".

I'm not going to take you through the whole video, it speaks for it self. Yes it is in Afrikaans, but if you can't get the song's message with the subtle video only, they've failed in their efforts to be as didactic as possible.

What I want to talk about is not the uplifting message of the song, nor do I want to talk about the effect of when Ampie Du Preez morphs out of AB, even the passing the digital fire scene can be ignored and I'll even overlook Francoise Du Plessis cameo.

No, what I want to talk about happens at the 34 second mark of the video, and it may be the creepiest thing to ever happen in a soft cock uplifting pseudo chrisitan cricket music video ever.

AB puts a stethoscope on the kid's neck, the end of the Stethoscope goes straight down the pants* of AB de Villiers.

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you're going to grow up nice

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what do you hear?

His genitals must be magical though, as that kid grows up to be a doctor.

There is almost nothing missing from this music video; gender stereotyping, creepy interplay with children, Francois Du Plessis, Christian imagery, suicide, soft rock angst, hope, American footballs, slow motion running, rocking out in a mist, wow, it really does have everything.

When people ask is there nothing AB de Villiers can do, we now know the answer is no.

*The stethoscope actually goes into his pocket, but considering the often creep nature of this video, they should have used another pocket.

Thanks to the kind folks at SA cricket blog for showing us this gem.

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balls profile: JP Duminy

Has never been in a French New Wave film.  After making 166 in his second test he said, "I guess I have a lot to live up now."  Hasn't yet lived up to it, making two fifties since then.  His batting is perhaps too pretty to be real.  Sort of like watching a young Sugar Ray Robinson in the dusk light filmed on a 16mm cam.  His footwork is breathtaking, but has been used mainly to walk to and from the wicket of late.  Was verbally fellated by Ian Chappell so much after his hundred that many believe this is the reason for his loss of class.  Has never had the nickname, "cricket's Justin Bieber".

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Andrew Strauss roars, sort of

We've had the Australian Ashes ad, with Mitchell as one of the all time best and Keith Miller wrongly omitted.

Now the English are getting in on it with an ad made by Sky.

What Works:

The costumes are not cheap plastic costumes like Strauss wore for some other ad. The medieval helmet and pads are cool, I want some.

Paul Collingwood does actually look like he could star in a b grade green screen sand and sandal epic. Not a speaking part, but just the nuggety looking dude in the back ground who gets shit done, but dies early in the third act.

The lion. Who ever said, let's get a lion, I like the person, although it would have worked better with Graeme Swann leaning on it eating some bread.

The MCG, if there was ever a place that English cricketers were thrown to the lions.

It's very camp, and that works in a unintentional comedic way.

What doesn't:

Ian Botham.  He might seem himself as Oliver Reed, but most of us see him as more Benny Hill these days.  He can't pull off this speech, and I still have no idea what he is saying.

The goofy shot at the end, Stuart Broad looks like the Jonas Brothers have come on stage, Swann and Colly look like they are reacting to someone say, "come on boys, sly smirk time".  Why use a facial expression that none of these guys would ever use out on the ground, and also change it from the tough guy facade from earlier. It goes from trying to be a cool guy Ashes ad, to an ad for preperation H (Can you tell which one of these guys had hemorrhoids?).

Why does Strauss wear a helmet at the end, it makes no sense. He has no gloves with him, so wearing a helmet is just wrong.  Plus, why would he be out on the field staring at the stands with two bowlers and a batsman, while wearing a helmet. Also you can't see his face, why would you hide the face of the captain?  Why, just, why?

Fat man in the corner playing drums, really?

It's very camp, and that doesn't work for the general mood of the piece.

The editing seems rushed, in these sort of camp macho scenes (every man has seen thousands of them) the manly tightening of a strap or the slashing of a sword (bat in this case) is done in almost super slow motion, you linger on it, you can feel the metal, the leather, it tightens around you and you get this "lets go to battle" buzz, this one feels more like, lets dress up and listen to the old fart before we get our golf game in.

Stuart Broad, gladiator?

Of these three men, surely only Colly should have been made to roar, Strauss sounds like a guy angry someone has scratched his rolls royce.

Which is better:

Got give it to the Aussies, and by that I mean Cricket Australia, and not the Sky one which is technically owned by an Aussie.

The Cricket Australia one is just more crickety.  The pacing is perfect, it makes you want to start the match as the bowlers come in.  Sure it has it's problems (yes, I mean KEITH MILLER not being in it), but it has cricket in it, and not just Strauss and Swann waving bats around like they are auditioning for star wars the musical.  The average CG and camp costumes cancel each other out.  Both have terrible commentators that balance each other out. I watched them both back to back, and even Botham is way less annoying in the aussie one.  Although, both could do with 100% less Ian Botham.

The aussie one just feels better, like cricket is cool, not that cricket has to play dress ups to feel cool.  Although, a lion fighting a kangaroo in the Aussie one would have been a nice touch.

First seen over at the reverse sweep.

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balls profile: ian bell

Why Ian Bell has never actually ended up naked in a bird cage no one knows, but he does often bat for England. Occasionally at number 6 and frequently against Bangladesh Ian Bell looks like he is the perfect test batting machine. Mostly he looks like he has forgotten his pin while standing at the ATM. His 30 odds are made with calm and class, as is his walk from the field shortly after. Watching him can be a maternal moment for most people as we just want to take him and give him a hug, or choke him to death and throw him into a lake.

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The 5 words you need to describe the Australian batting line up

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A weapon that may help aspiring Australian batsmen

Old

If you were casting for a movie about this top order you could use the Space Cowboy cast to fill the team up.  The two youngest men in the top six, or top seven when Brad Haddin comes back, are 29.  Being that Australia is supposedly in a rebuilding phase, it seems odd that they are using men who in some cases have less than 12 months of cricket in them.   Time for James Sutherland to purchase some gold watches.

Shaky

Recently I built a mansion made of cards, sit it outside in Chicago and put the Australian batting order next to it, guess what collapsed first?  In their last 17 tests, 10 of those have had massive collapses or pathetic totals in them.  Nothing happens though.  It is almost as if the Australian selectors don't watch the team bat at all. When Katich and Hussey bat together is not a bad policy for everyone.

Slow

This is perhaps the slowest batting line Australia has had since the 80s.  Now you could argue that they don't have the bowlers to bat quicker, but batting slowly only works if you do it well.  Katich, Hussey and Paine are all slow scorers, and Clarke can be as well, so perhaps carrying these four and a 5th who averages 35 is not the smartest move.

Clubhouse

It is often said getting into the Australian side is harder than leaving it.  That isn't so true now; the bowling line up changes with injuries often as Ricky slowly puts his bowlers to death.  Getting into this batting line up is harder than being a lesbian trying to get into the panties of Megan Phelps.  Getting out is non existent, it's the hotel fucken California. North is being given an extended run, Hussey was given 18 months sick pay, it is hard to know what you would need to do to get dropped from this line up.  Perhaps sodomizing a goat live on TV and not running it past Cricket Australia first?

Shit

If your dog continues to fall over and pisses himself around the house, it is ok to take him to the vet to get him fixed or put down.  I know you love the dog, but the falling down and pissing are quite obvious signs that something is wrong.  Don't wait for him to shit in your bed.  This has nothing to do with the Australian batting line up, they're just shit.

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The great test cliché guide

After a test that good, you can get tired.

You are tired from living through the last moments of it, and then you get further drained by the conversations after it.

Especially from those people who have never mentioned cricket in 7 years, but suddenly pretend to be as obsessed as you are because they happened to catch the last ten minutes of the match, or heard a radio presenter sound enthused.

If you are sick of dealing with these people, you can say any of the below clichés and walk away leaving them with something profound to think about.

That was for those who say test cricket is dead.  Ha, ha.

Cricket is the big winner.

In a test like that it's a shame that there has to be a loser.

Both teams can hold their heads high after this brilliant advert for test cricket.

A true contest between bat and ball.

This will bring the crowds back to test cricket.

This test has saved test cricket.

It doesn't matter who wins, it's just great to have a match that close.

Who cares about T20 today?

If ever anyone doubted Test cricket's ability to capture the hearts and minds of the people, they won't after today.

One wicket wins were better in my day.

Thanks to those on twitter who clichéd me up.

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Ways Australia can stop VVS Laxman

It should now be clear to Australia that there is no conventional cricket way that Australia can get VVS Laxman out when they need to.

Tim Nielsen and others will study many hours of footage, they'll have designed software packages looking for flaws in VVS Laxman, they might even think they have found some.

They will be wrong.

For there has always been two laxmans.

One swans around world cricket, happy in the knowledge that the limelight is given to other team mates.  He plays the odd cameo innings, wooing the purists, making test cricket pretty, and just doing a good old job.

The second VVS is a mutated monster of batting with movement seaking laser death ray in his shoulders, knifes that pop out of his wrists during fights, titanium shins with blades on them and the ability to curse, fight, kill while making it look prettier than Natalie Portman.

This model only plays against Australia.

You can't beat a mutated fighting machine version of VVS by bowling line and length, you need to come up with other ways…

Assassination

That's right, kill the bugger.  Send Tim Paine (who would suspect him) to Laxman's room with an umbrella with some poisonous tip and get rid of him forever.  Don't let Ricky plan the take down though, he'll just get Marcus North to do it, and then it will get fucked up.

Go the Chargers

Before each test give him a Deccan Chargers shirt.  It's clearly VVS' kryptonite.

Use Saffa accents

VVS is decidedly less of a mutated monster when he plays them, actually he is quite rubbish.  And even if he doesn't believe that he is playing against the saffas, perhaps the comedy attempt at accents will just make him giggle where he would usually smash through the covers.

Zombies

Not real zombies, that would be silly and would cause an unnecessary apocalypse.  Fake zombies is the way to go.  When VVS is batting pay a bunch of young actors and make up artists to stage a fake zombie attack and storm the ground.  Go along with it as well to make it more real.  I bet douggie would be a great zombie attack victim.  Set up a FX crew to show him getting eaten at backward square leg. At the very worst, VVS gets scared,  best case scenario he gets in a private jet and flies to one of Sachin's islands.

Play in Pakistan

VVS averages 37 in Pakistan.  Take him there.  Contact the PCB and ask if you can play your home series against the Indians in Pakistan, they will agree, because the idea is as batshit crazy as they are and it takes the piss out of Indians.  You might have to send an "A" side though, as we know the main side could never tour there.

Shane Watson's sexuality

When you have a sexual behemoth like Shane Watson, it is a waste not to use him.  At every available opportunity Shane Watson should flirt with VVS.  Accidental elbows in the breakfast queue, coquettish hair twirling in his direction, forward text messages, naked photos slipped under his door, pretending to blow a stray eyelash away and appearing naked on Laxman's bed with his genitalia partially covered with rose beads as Chris Isaak's " I did a bad, bad thing" plays in the background.  If VVS can make runs after that he deserves to be talked about as better than Bradman and Sachin.

If these don't work, perhaps start saying that playing India is causing too much tension between the nations, and that you respect India too much to ruin your relationship over cricket. Respectfully withdraw from all future games.

The day he retires the decision can be reversed.

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Billy Bowden saves test cricket

VVS Laxman might have won the game.

It was Billy who saved test cricket.

This man that I had the audacity to question, this quaint little weirdo, has gone and done what no else could do.

Make people (by people I mean Indians) watch test cricket.

If all umpires could contrive a game as well as Bowden (ably supported by his gimpy sidekick Gould) did, with mistake after mistake to ensure that India win all tests by one wicket, then the future of test cricket will be safe.

It will be more than safe, it will be untouchable.

Billy's genius blends into an artform, like a Jackson Pollock painting, but each of them just put another layer of mystery, fun and genuine intrigue into a game of cricket that Australia tried to bat to death for a couple of days.

One less mistake from Billy or Gunner and Australia win. One more mistake, and Australia win. Billy had test cricket in his weirdly shaped hands, and he chose to protect it from all that is evil in the world.

For the casuals and heretics of the cricket world, seeing this can change their whole life.

Most of us watch test cricket our whole life for a test like this. Waiting and hoping that the game you skip work for is the one that will turn into the one wicket or one run ending.

The test match that just inches closer and closer to an improbable end, and then somehow, beyond all the odds, it is actually a close test that either side can win in one ball.

The mythical being that your dad and uncle talk about and you've never seen.

For us, this was religious.

This test was like touching Jesus's cheek, rubbing Buddha's nose, stroking Krishna's earlobe or sniffing at Johnny Cash's eyebrow.

While to some it may seem that  perfection was standing at backward square when the winning runs were scored, leaning gingerly on a bat, yelling at his young team mates, and batting like angels would do if they smoked, drank bourbon and sang the blues. They would be wrong.

VVS was a mere pawn in the game of Billy Bowden.

Billy Bowden, the saviour of test cricket, a man beyond laws, a rebel with a walkie talkie and the ultimate puppet master.

Pull the string! Billy! A mistake is made. A story must be told. Pull the string!

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previously at mohali

A day for fans of test wickets and enemies of Billy Bowden.

Australia

Started like superstars, but like most teams touring to India were undone by short pitch bowling.  Nothing you can do about it.  Bowled like they meant it, and perhaps they did.

India

Got beat up, recovered so well it looked like the game was theirs.  Then they also couldn't handle the shorter ball and found themselves being saved by the clever batting of Zaheer Khan.

Who's in front

Fuck knows.  Australia should now win, but it still isn't a big chase for India. I'm going to say tie. And this one won't have Dean Jones spewing up, or will it.

Play of the day

Every single moment that Billy Bowden was involved in.  Although the highlight was when he made a mistake and the Nimbus graphic at the bottom of the screen just said, "Umpire: Billy Bowden", all it needed was a question mark.

Testicular moment of the day

I'm not sure this is entirely justified, but I'm going to give it to Ishant Sharma.  Of his three wickets perhaps on the second wicket of Michael Clarke was any good, but it does take some guts to come back from the ugliness of day one to produce what he did today.  This was almost taken off him when he ran from the ground, only to then limp again near the rope.

Working class moment of the day

Shane Watson got some fair stick for his first innings hundred.  Cause it was slower than the film Paris, Texas.  But in this innings he went all rock n roll with it and was scoring at a run a ball and completely ignoring Katich at the other end.  Ofcourse this aggressive attitude meant he played on to a poor ball. He then had to sit in the changeroom as his teammates fucked up all his good work.

Weird factoid of the day

Yuvraj Singh could be the greatest cricket captain ever.

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Bowden's late no ball call in pictures

"Very interesting call that one.  The thing is we're not out there, it's a very quick motion of that front leg going through".

Some aussie commentator on Nimbus.

While the foot going through the crease was quick, Billy's decision was not.

Let's look at what we know.

Sharma hit Kaitch what looked like inline with the stumps.

Billy seemed to be contemplating the decision or giving no decision or call whatsoever.

Then Billy signalled the no ball.

The no ball call was shown to be incorrect.

The LBW was not out according to hawkeye.

This is the ball hitting the pad at 3:04.

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At 3:06 Billy still doesn't have his arm out.

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At 3:07 Ishant gets a close up.

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In the last frames of 3:07 Nimbus show us Billy's arm.

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This is far from conclusive evidence.

And it also may not prove anything other than a no ball was called incorrectly very late.

But, it should be looked into.  Isn't that what Chris Broad is paid to do.

If you watch the full video there is no audible no ball call that I can hear. Although I am almost deaf from turning this up as loud as I could and watching it a bunch of times.

In fact, when watching the video, it looks like he says either no ball or not out as the shot of his arm is showing, which is 3 to 4 seconds after the ball hits Katich.

Nimbus cutting to Sharma robs us of the exact time Billy's arm went out, but it seems weird that you would wait at least the 2 seconds before calling a no ball.

Add to that the fact that Shamra's foot landed comfortably behind the line and you have to wonder…

Was this a late call because Billy got caught up in the game.

Or…

Did he panic and call a no ball because he didn't want to give a decision.

Or…

Billy just randomly makes gestures hoping people laugh.

Ms Dhoni didn't seem to be laughing when chatting to Billy at the end of the over.

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