Jarrod Kimber's Blog, page 94

what really happened to Zulqarnain Haider

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It seems that some time between the fourth and fifth one dayer Zulqarnain Haider just up and vanished.

As one of Zulqarnain Haider's closest facebook friends, he has kept me in the loop the whole time, and only now that he is safe I can reveal the details.

In the fourth one dayer Zully Q-dawg (as he likes to be called) hit the winning runs.  He did this with style and class as his way.  Unfortunately this angered a very powerful man.

Kamran Akmal.

While Zully Q-dawg was bathing in champagne, Kamran was planning his demise.  We all see Kamran as a bit of a bumbling buffoon, and with the gloves on he is.  Off the field is a whole different story, Kamran is super smooth, and often resembles a European gigolo in an American film.

Kamran put the squeeze of Zully Q-dawg, getting his cronies to tell him, "there is only room for one Pakistani keeper in neutral venues, so if you want to keep your fingers, we suggest a sudden holiday, you dig".

Zully Q-dawg digged, and he boarded a jet plane.

When he arrived he called the one man he knew that could hide without being found, Lalit K Modi.  Modi and Zully Q-dawg go back a long way.  They used to play bridge together in Belgium in the late 90s.

Lalit told Zully Q-dawg that he could help him out, as long as Zully Q-dawg was willing to digitise himself.  As a keen micro-blogging social-networker, Zully Q-dawg had no idea what Lalit was talking about, but it sounded cool.

From there Lalit hooked him up with a room of computer geeks, and disappeared into the afternoon.

These computer guys then digital transfer him to a digital world, you know, like Tron.

There Zully Q-dawg runs free while throwing frisbees and playing games.  He tells me via email that he has never been happier.

He will come back, one day, when we all deserve him.

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Yuvraj in special effects masterpiece

Fire comes from Yuvi's ass in this ad, and that is not the best special effect in it.

The best special effect is how thin he looks.

From BCCI .

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jeetan's big scalps

"I'm delighted to take Sachin's wicket. It's the biggest scalp of my career,"

Jeetan Patel

If I got Sachin Tendulkar out, I'd probably say something stupid too.

But is there a bigger scalp in world cricket than Sachin Tendulkar?

Sure, outside world cricket there are bigger scalps.

Godzilla, Barack Obama and Dakota Fanning, to name a few.

Now Jeetan has taken down Sachin, he could probably take down Godzilla and Obama, as long as they didn't team up.

He probably couldn't take down Dakota though, but if he did, he'd probably say.

"I'm delighted to put Dakota's head on a stick.  It may look like a small scalp, but it's the biggest scalp of my career."

Jeetan Patel

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previously at ahmedabad

India

'There can be only one' was a line written by someone who had never seen the Indian batting line up.  They have a long tail, but they sort of double dare you to get to it. New Zealand may never seen it.

New Zealand

If you can't bowl or field, playing against Sehwag is like running into a bull for hours on end.  Is it too late for them to pretend they left the oven on at home?

Who's in front

New Zealand can still win this.  The problem is they need a renegade CIA force, 24million dollars in unmarked bills and a nuclear warhead.

Play of the day

If you are the 12th man who has to field for a team that is struggling and the oppositions most threatening batsman hits the ball straight up in the air close enough to you for you to take the catch, it would really hurt you emotionally to drop it.  For that same ball to hit your nuts, that is the beginning of a Hank Williams song. Isn't it, Martin Guptil.

Testicular moment of the day

Sehwag looked ok.

Working class moment of the day

Poor Dictator Dan.  He is trying to cross the Pacific Ocean in a kids inflatable swimming pool.  The only luck he can have is that a seagull pops it before he gets to too far from the coast.

Weird factoid of the day

Jeetan Patel's dropped catch off his own bowling was perhaps the best audition to be the screaming victim in a horror film I've seen in years.

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For Sehwagology the bell tolls

This morning I was sleeping while Sehwag was giving a rabble rousing sermon with some assistance by the former test nation from New Zealand.

That is ok, I think of all the prophets, in all the religions, I doubt there is any who respect sleep more than Sehwag.

Also I believe I have enough Sehwagology in my life.  Sure, another sermon would be fun and fulfilling, but I'm all good.

However, as rich politicians always say, there are a lot of people out there doing it tough, and perhaps they needed a bit of a help from Sehwag.

Now if they saw this innings, it's all good, but if not, they've just missed out on an injection of life. A pure hit of adrenaline straight into their eyeballs. Which sounds much worse than it is.

With a whole world of Sehwagolosists out there, some of them are going to miss his best work. It doesn't have to be this way.

What we need is some sort of system to inform everyone.

At first I thought an iphone app, then I was told that several billions of people don't have iphones, and the truly under privileged don't even have a blackberry.

Then I thought of automated phone calls.  It was then pointed out that it wouldn't work because of the sheer number of people who need sehwagology, and the limited phone connections in rural backwaters like New Texas.

Luckily I had a moment of inspiration inspired by the mother of Curtly Ambrose.

Ring the bell.

All Sehwagologists should carry bells with them, and have bells installed in their homes, so they can ring the bells when Sehwag is on the rampage.

Imagine it, you're having a snooze in the afternoon, looking for autoerotic asphyxiation porn, in a business meeting or studying calculus and suddenly you hear multiple bells ringing.  You turn on whatever device you get your cricket from and listen, watch or read what Sehwag is giving you.

It means that you'll probably never miss another important Sehwag innings in your life.

Plus Sehwagologists can be known as the bell ringers.  Which, as far as cults go, is not the shittest name ever.

Ring that bell, people, ring it fast and reckless.

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The ICC investigate Australian Match Fixing claims

ICC officials have announced that they briefly looked into claims that the Australian team has thrown recent international cricket matches.

A spokesmachine for the ICC said, "After two recent matches where Australia got the opposition 8 wickets down and lost the game, we thought it was our duty to look into the results.  I'll be honest; we only looked into the games for about two minutes.  Dave, the work experience kid, thought we should, but we realized that it wasn't fixing, the aussies were just really crap."

A man in a cheap suit from Cricket Australia responded quickly to the announcement, "We are very happy with the result of the investigation, but we are shocked that the team was ever looked into in the first place.  Anyone with even a passing interest in cricket would have noticed that this isn't match fixing, but just that Australia are shit".

Some ex-cricketer who doesn't get quoted in the media much these days had this to add, "Can you believe that the ICC has wasted two minutes of their time two look into this?  I mean come on, if the ICC had more people who'd actually played cricket, this would never have been looked into.  There are way more important things in cricket to worry about, like the front foot no-ball rule and why I only get four tickets to certain matches.  Plus, everyone knows Australia are playing like turds."

Then someone put a recording device in front of a woman with three teeth and unwashed hair, "Australia is too bloody useless to fix anything, they are playing like a huge pile of excrement".

Some random punter said, "This is fucking awesome, I'm making a fortune on the fact they can't ever get the 9th wicket.  This new Australia is awesome."

According to the statement, the ICC also looked into New Zealand losing to Bangladesh, but had to drop that investigation when they found out that no one from the ICC had seen the series.

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Michael Clarke will be the next Australian test captain786r356

Which is the best news for all other countries.

He finished this match with himself and Shane Watson bowling.

That takes talent.

That would be like me finishing this post with my wife's cat writing.

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join in on ruining a young Indian cricketer

This kid took 8/10 in his first class debut.

A handy performance.

He gets the ball to swing around like crazy.

But, you can't help but think this could ruin him.

India with bowlers this good could be a simply amazing team, so let us all ruin Deepak Chahar.

All you have to do is hype him up. It worked for every other young Indian bowler I've ever mentioned.

It shouldn't be hard, he is clearly the best bowler ever.

He's a bowling mutant, sent from the future to kill us all spliced from all the greats with the ferocity of Larwood, the ball movement of Spofforf, the accuracy of Dev, the haircut of McGrath, the pace of Thommo, the endurance of Hall and the star power of Wasim Akram.

There has never been a bowler like him.

He will change the world.

Now you've seen him, you should be able to praise him even more, really stick the boot into his burgeoning career.

H/T BCCI.

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Extracts from Herschelle Gibbs' autobiography

At the moment, I have no access to Herschelle Gibbs' book.  But I assume it goes something like this.

On women:

"I've always respected women.  When I'm in an orgy, I am constantly asking a woman if she is feeling ok, whether there is anything I can do to make her feel more comfortable.  I've gone as far as paying for their taxi on the way home.  You see, it doesn't take much to treat a woman right after she's let you cum in her ass and let her friend felch it out. Just a bit of respect. "

On match fixing:

"To be honest, I've forgotten all the details."

On the South African clique:

"One day I was pissed out of my mind, so I thought it would be cool to ask Graeme and Mark if I could join the leadership group.  They said I had to go through an initiation.  I thought it'd be fun, like paddles and shit.  It started with me holding these two metal things E-somethings, and then they all yelled at me, pointing out all the mistakes I'd made, like not buying a copy of AB's album, it took forever.  The next part was me being locked in a room while they treated me like a dog.  It was ok, until Jacque put a collar on me.  That was weird.  But then they asked me to watch Battlefield Earth, that film is seriously shit, so I decided to just forget about it".

On drugs:

"I've tried buzz, scag, woop, pla, e, weed, 7, acid, purple drank, shrooms, s, charlie, ploppa, angel, sunshine, pebbles, kicker and zoom.  Not all at once.  That is an important lesson for all kids out there."

On Jacques Kallis:

"I once saw him eat a live dog. He didn't even shave it."

On Hansie:

"I think he was the biggest influence on my life.  Without him, I don't know where I'd be.  He was just the perfect specimen of manliness, sort of like Steve McQueen, but cooler.  He wore the best leather jackets too.  People may not like him, but you can't deny what a great man he was for South African cricket.  Sometimes when Graeme is yelling at us, I close my eyes and dream of Hansie.  I always feel better afterwards."

On Paul Harris:

"Who?"

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Is Abdul Razzaq a Vampire?

The fact that Abdul Razzaq never ages should have been our major clue.

He also doesn't ever seem that bothered.

If you knew your life was eternal, the odd stupid dismissal wouldn't bother you as much.

Then there is his general demeanour. That sort of camp privileged way he holds himself.

Sort of like a lowly royal from the 1800s in Bulgaria, who was bitten after a late night rendezvous with prostitute. Camp, but straight.

How often does he look like he has a pulse?

It's clear to me that Abdul Razzaq is a vampire.

I've never really liked vampires.

All that prancing about, stupid nonsense with the necks, the sunlight bullshit, I just can't be bothered with any of it.

Abdul Razzaq I like.

I liked him before today.

Today just made him ever more likeable.

And the good thing is, if he wants to, he can play forever.

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