What would Chuck Norris do? Very little.
Someone asked me tonight who the Aussies could bring in to turn their team around. I wittily remarked that not even Chuck Norris could help them.
It's true, because Chuck Norris is clearly a massive poser. He's a high-panted right-wing clean-hatted borefest. I think the Australian team has people like him already.
They do need someone serious though. About 11 serious people in fact.
So I have taken it upon myself to pick an 11 that will win the next test for Australia. No Chuck Norrislike people, only real men make of stone, rock and petrified wood.
Tiger Bill O'Reilly
Australia need a spinner, and while Warne may not want to make a come back, I think Tiger would. Would also make a tour diary that would make Swann's like like a sunday morning children's program, and he'd abuse Bradman.
Rasputin
It was almost impossible to kill Rasputin, it is way too easy to kill off Australia. And would also bring a bit of royal fraternising back to the team that has not been around since Miller. His beard would be an added bonus.
Lawrence Tierney
Who in the Australian team would you look at and be scared by? Exactly, bring in Lawrence's beaten up head and see if Jimmy sledges him.
Aron Ralston
The man cut off his own arm to survive. His own arm, he broke it first, then cut it with a pocket knife or something. Look, the details are not important, he cut his arm off, unlike Mitchell Johnson who almost missed a tournament because he got a tattoo of a cat on his arm.
Lee Marvin
It's a little known fact that Steve Waugh based his whole personality on Lee Marvin. Australia did well with the replicant, why not get in the real deal. I'd have him as captain, and he can bat where ever he decides to bat.
Neil Harvey
Yes it's easy to make fun of Harvey, but right now, if he was to make one of his predictable media appearance, he'd be right. Also, Australian cricket needs someone from the Northern Suburbs of Melbourne, and since Clint McKay is not going to make that much of a difference, I suggest McKay.
Julian Assange
OK, not a typical macho man, he is way more honest than anyone in the Australian team. Perhaps when a player makes a completely misleading statement, he can say, actually, he said he's been hitting them well in the nets, that isn't the case, I have an email from Tim Nielsen that proves he is in terrible form.
Edward R. Murrow
Took on Joseph McCarthy with a microphone, dry sense of humour and a cloud of smoke. I think that would make him a great number four and second slip. I could be wrong.
Phar Lap
Few people know that Phar Lap's heart was actually bigger than his body. Some people thought that he was just a phenomenally athletic horse, but it was actually this massive heart pumping extra blood that made him great. It seems that Australia could do with a massive horse heart about now.
Muhammad Ali
Most of the reasons you'd pick Ali are obvious. The best reason to pick him is for the sledging. He'd make it rhyme and be funny.
Nathan Hauritz
Got picked when he shouldn't have, fought like hell to stay in the side despite a lack of talent, got dropped for someone who is essentially his long lost brother and then went back to shield cricket to produce his best ever figures with the ball and then make a hundred with the bat. Plus, me picking him will really fuck with his head.
This side could win the three tests (yes three, two might sound good, but can Australia afford to win 2 and hope the other one is a draw) Australia need to win back the Ashes. Sure, there is some problems with eligibility and injury, but if Australia really want the Ashes, this is the side they should pick.
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