Jarrod Kimber's Blog, page 85

two pricks at the ashes: day one at the G

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twas the night before boxing day…

'Twas the night before Boxing day, when all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, not even a Strauss;

The bats were knocked in and oiled with care,

In hopes that Mark Nicholas would never be there;

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of cover drives danced in their heads;

And Richie is his jacket, and Punter in his cap,

Had just settled down for a long summer's nap,

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

Punter sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the window he flew like a flash,

Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

When, what to Punter's squinty eyes should appear,

But an Ian Chappell, and a barrel of beer,

Chappelli's mouth was so lively and quick,

"Open up you little dick".

Then he yelled and the others came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

"Now, Bill! now, Steve! now, Mark and Bob!

On, Kim! on Graham! on, Greg and AB!

To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!

Now drink away! Drink away! drink away all!"

They drank so fast it was if they flew,

Laughing and abusing Mark Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, Punter heard on the roof

The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.

As Punter drew in his head, and was turning around,

Down the chimney Mark Nicholas came with a hound.

He was dressed all in trendy clothes from his head to his foot,

And his body hair had long since gone caput;

A bundle of baggage he had flung on his back,

And he looked like metro with a fresh shaved sack.

He was skinny and shady and hung like an elf,

And Punter laughed when he saw him, in spite of himself;

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,

He let punter know he had nothing to dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

And started tweeting platitudes like a complete jerk,

And then Chappelli punched his nose,

And the others stood around him, trying to impose;

He sprang to his car, as the blood ran out,

And young pup cried like a small scout.

But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,

"Happy Boxing day to all, I'll captain Australia out of spite."

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Two pricks at the ashes: various edited nonsense from the Gabba and Radelaide

It's not a best of, it's just a bunch of things all put on one video that were all on different videos before in terrible quality.

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ashes merchandise fail

I understand that the ashes is a big series that people want to make money off, and I understand the appeal of bobble heads, but in what world does this look like Ricky Ponting?

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KP sort of looks like KP if he was trying to look like Guy Fawkes.

But, Ricky, well, he looks more like Josh Hazelwood's ventriloquists dummy.

It should also be noticed that KP is not the captain of England.

I only say that incase Adidas didn't know.

If you know who this "ricky" doll has been based on, feel free to link to that person in the comments.

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The KP and Mitch relationship

While I may have an abusive relationship with Mitch, KP's relationship with him is much different.

You only had to look into KP's eyes while he denounced any possibility of having a relationship with Mitch to know it was something quite special.

Last week it was Mitch saying that KP was a smart ass and that KP hadn't seriously asked for his number.

On the surface this could be just ashes byplay that means less than nothing other that keeping newspapers printing.

Ofcourse, that's what they want you to think.

In truth this all started long ago when KP was playing in Brisbane and he saw Mitchell in his short plumbing shorts.

No it didn't.

If you expect some sort of cricket slash story involving Mitch unclogging KP's pipe this isn't the place.

KP and Mitch have no relationship.

None whatsoever.

It wasn't until last week that KP even knew Mitch existed.  Before getting bowled he thought Mitch was a net bowler who kept accidently walking out on the pitch.

And Mitch still can't tell KP from Trott.  Cooley sent him out with a note that said, "KP is the one with the camp Saffa accent", but Mitch couldn't tell which one of them sounded like a camper.

Both men could be in the same elevator without any sexual tension being noticeable to a third party.

Their relationship is not professional or platonic, it simply fails to exist.  Like Mitch's inswinger a fortnight ago.

When Mitch was dropped (rested) and KP was (rested) dropped, they didn't console each other.  There were no soothing text messages or kind digital words of any kind.

Mitch just continued his gormless existence and KP went about his life in KP land.

Although, if they did have a sexual relationship…. No, can't even try and go there, imagining that is worse than watching a Mitch short ball down the legside or KP sweeping Hauritz off his head.  Although if you combine the two naked and that is exactly how they would go about it.

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Dictator Dan slain by the Wright

The problem with running the country with an iron wrist, acid tongue and purposefully cropped three-day growth, is that people expect you to get results.

For a normal dictator that is annexing an island or stealing the mascot of your neighbour, for a cricket dictator who selects the team, coach, and selectors while designing the team shirt, making sure Jesse is locked to his bed and that Adam Parore doesn't slate him daily it's getting wins on the board.

Like most Dictators, Dan Vettori took on too much.

Vettori was right to rename Tuesday Vettoriday, set the record straight on gay players, cut the team's oranges, start wearing a leopard skin fez and rewriting the bible to make Jesus a left arm finger spinner who makes more runs than you'd expect from someone of his stylistic devoid play.

The problem is that while he was doing these important things, others were scheming.

If Shakespeare has taught us little more than to kill yourself before you check your partner's pulse, it's shown us that people scheme to get power.

I can imagine it now, while Dan Vettori was hosting a benefit party for Scott Stryis' thighs, Greatbatch (his ally) and Wright (the mercenary) were hatching a plot. I can see them cackling as Wright stirred a big pot of L&P and Greatbatch ate his fush and chup pavlova.

Poor Dan, just trying to rule in a pseudo-benevolent manner so his country had a chance, was shot down in cold blood.

No longer the defacto coach, no longer a selector at all, now just a normal captain who has to do nothing other than play, train, travel and say clichés.

How the mightily organised and overworked have fallen.

Justin Vaughan is yet to release a statement about this change in supreme leader, only because he is too busy cleaning out the blood from Vettori's whites.

Alas, poor Dan! I knew him, Justin.

The cricket sadist.

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India's cunning plan to defraud Test Cricket

As part of their plan to end test cricket, India have decided to devalue the World Number 1 test ranking.

Those cunning rat bastards.

Just when we all start to think they love test cricket, they lose a test by an innings to perhaps lose as badly as any world number one team has ever lost a first test.

Some players turned up so late that even Chris Gayle was upset. Warm up games were not required. Half the team were still playing in one dayers until day two of the test. And there is a rumour that Gary Kirsten was reading Herschelle Gibbs book instead of formulating plans to beat the Saffers.

Sure, some dude made runs again, but that was just a diversion.

The Indians want to devalue test cricket, they don't want to get lynched for losing by an innings.

So they throw Sachin a couple of headlines while doing exactly what they always wanted to do, bring the five day game to it's knees.

There are some who just think the lack of preperation was because of general stupidity, but I sense something more.

This has Lalit Modi's professionally manicured hands all over it.

It's a huge globo-national conspiracy I tell you, and Lalit Modi, in which ever third world country he is currently hiding in, is still pulling the strings and sniggering.

They couldn't have been that bad on purpose, could they? No. This is all part of their sick little plan. They're world number 1, and even with their history of phoning in the first test, this is a special kind of humiliation that can't possible be just through bad play.

Even the timing of Sachin's 50th hundred was sent to try and derail the Ashes.

They're sick I tell you. If we don't act now, we'll all be wearing gold helmets and playing 8 over cricket for a bloke who owns Bollywood actresses and sells his piss as beer.

They're world number 1, and even with their history of phoning in the first test; this is a special kind of humiliation.

It's plain as day, they're defrauding test cricket. Right in front of our eyes. Bastards.

Beware of India… Beware! Beware of the big green dragon that sits on your doorstep. He eats little boys… Puppy dog tails, and BIG FAT SNAILS… Beware… Take care… Beware!

The cricket sadist.

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Two pricks at the Ashes: WACA round up episode

Facebook all over us.

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Greg Chappell land

Last night Greg Chappell said that Mitchell Johnson had been rested.

Mitchell Johnson said that Mitchell Johnson had been dropped.

Andrew Hilditch said Michael Beer would play and his knowledge of the WACA would be important.

Michael Beer didn't play and Ponting has now said his knowledge of the conditions of Melbourne will help.

There are even rumours that the four man pace attack was not a plan but more an accident.  Like Michael Beer's selection.

Australia won this test.

I mean really won.

Smashed by an innings and coming back to win by over 200 runs.

How is it possible that this team with this band of merry muppets who don't even seem to know what is going on around them can win a test so easily.

Especially when they not only beat England, but also the momentum of the Adelaide win.

I like to think that Australia beat England and Greg Chappell beat the momentum. It is his windmill and he rode that donkey straight for it.

Unfortunately the donkey still might not play next game, it was always going to be rested.

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previously at the waca

Australia

The bowlers are doing so well it's like they were on strike in Adelaide and forgot to inform the media.

England

It seemed that Strauss stopped captaining early on and rang the party organisers to move it to Melbourne.

Who will retain the ashes

England.  Australia can't keep this up.  Mitchell is too Mitchell to be able to keep this up, and the rest seem to need a touch of Mitchell to get them started.

Play of the day

My friend Ruth claims she saw the nutsack of the streaker.  If she did she saw what looked like two very white balls.  Personally I thought the streaker was great because he found a way to trip himself up with his own pants before the security even got to him.

Testicular moment of the day

I suppose that goes to the streaker.  Although Mike Hussey was pretty good too.

Working class moment of the day

People will remember that Chris Tremlett took a five wicket haul at the WACA.  They will also remember that England lost and then they'll sigh.

Weird factoid of the day

Hussey has now made 19 straight 50s in this ashes series.  Maybe more.

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