Jarrod Kimber's Blog, page 83
January 7, 2011
The Professionals win
Cricket isn't a funny game, it's a sadistic torture that we enjoy because each and every one of us is sick and wrong.
I've been out here for weeks, and the feeling I have is more like being a prison bitch than a sport fan.
Kept away from my wife, sharing a room with various men, hardly drinking or sleeping, watching my back so I don't get shivved, and knowing that even when I get out, I'm always going to be affected.
I can imagine my grand-kids being apprehensive in years to come, "should we ask, I mean, he still has nightmares about Alastair Cook".
It's not the losing I mind, it's how long it all takes. That's what makes cricket such a great game, in other sports, the band aid gets ripped off. In cricket, they keep you alive for as long as they can, they cut your toes off, slice your calf off, put your genitals in a blender, get flesh eating ants inside your thigh, show you your intestines, put your arms in a wood chopper, cut your tongue and and sick it up your ass then back to your mouth, draw and quarter you, dip random bits of your body in acid, make you listen to Christmas Carols and keep your conscious during all of it. Cricket never cuts your eyes out, though. It keeps them in, you have to watch all of this, for weeks on end, your body just being abused and damaged for the pleasure of others, it is why we love it. It's why I'm still in the ground, seeing England run around for the fans. Seeing Cook one last damn time. So much Cook. Every day.
This series, Cook was the blender.
Perhaps with better pitches and cricketers, it wouldn't feel this long, but from Xavier Doherty on in, I knew this was going to be a long hard road.
England aren't a brilliant team yet, they're just really good at what they do. This means you don't see the most amazing entertaining cricket of your life, you just see a team that executes it skillsets, a lot. What makes them good is not necessarily what gets you excited about cricket. If they're your team, you don't care how they win, but for the rest of us, Australians and everyone else, this was a long series, filled with well drilled quick singles and bowling units combining.
Australia were the entertaining part of this series as their comedy ineptitude on and off the field has kept us all wanting more. They showed just enough talent on the field at certain times that set up the laughs for later. They don't trust technology or each other. They just kept building brick walls and running into them.
England won. Quite fucken rightly.
They deserve all the plaudits and credit that others will write.
Sometimes you do the Ashes, sometimes the Ashes do you.
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January 6, 2011
January 5, 2011
January 4, 2011
previously at the scg
Australia
Tried hard, bless 'em.
England
Were looking great, yet got a bit dead rubbered at stages. Lost the plot to Australia's tail and losing key wickets. Sending out a nightwatchman for Collingwood was just odd, unless Anderson had just been promoted ahead of him on form.
Who's in front
No one has grabbed this game, England still in slight control. They'd be already in front if they'd been a touch smarter to the tail.
Play of the day
In modern cricket you get a pat on the back for average fielding, you get two pats on the back for decent fielding, three for excellent fielding, and 4 or more for Natalie Portman fielding. Phil Hughes copped a full blooded clip off the pads at short leg, looked like he might have lost a nut, saved four, and got one pat on his back.
Testicular moment of the day
Andrew Strauss is not known as captain thunderpants when he bats. He's often not as dour as people say. Today he was positive and ruthlessly efficient. Like a guy trying to pick up at a wedding in a country town.
Working class moment of the day
Michael Beer now knows what it is like to take a test wicket. This would be ok if he had a test wicket. Instead one of two things happen, he finally takes one, and it doesn't feel as good as the first, or he never does and Billy Bowden one day gets hit in a hit and run.
Weird factoid of the day
Mitchell Johnson doesn't always get wickets after he has made runs, but that's because sometimes he forgets he makes runs.
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January 3, 2011
previously at the SCG
Australia
Putting England to sleep didn't work, neither anything else. Not dead, but starting to stink up a touch.
England
Bowled really well, but bowled for show, the big jaggers are pretty whilst showing that you're bowling a bit short. Bowled better after lunch and the fact that Australia scored most of their runs through third man means good lines.
Who's in front
England are in front. A 150 run partnership could change that. As could a collection of leopards let loose on the field.
Play of the day
Tim Bresnan takes the wicket of Michael Clarke and tries to celebrate with his teammates. Instead is cleaned up by the sniping KP who knocks him over. Earlier in the day the fun came from Watson punching his bat and Hughes headbutting his, as both were obviously solely to blame for their dismissals.
Testicular moment of the day
Home crowd, first test, first ball, clipped away with ease. Louder home crowd, first test, second ball, pull shot for four. It shows how brilliant Australia is going that a 37 is getting so much attention. Usman just looked so composed that you want to like him.
Working class moment of the day
Tremlett bowled highlight reel balls early on. Ended the day with one wicket. Seems unfair. Although his facial expressions rarely change, so maybe he was happy with this.
Weird factoid of the day
Usman Khajawa is now a better a batsmen in all dimensions than Andrew Hilditch ever was.
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A thing of Usman
The SCG put on a beautiful day for Usman Khawaja's debut.
Rain and dank filled the ground as Usman came out after lunch, then he clipped one for two and smashed one for four, and the ground was still dank as, but happier.
Usman only played 6 or so really classy shots.
He only scored 37.
He never scored in front of square.
He showed that he might play across his front pad a bit and can be squared up.
He also got out just when Australia needed him.
But, there was something about him.
Whether it was the first two shots, the fact that Australia had picked an inform young batsmen who didn't look like a technical mess, the home crowd thing, the whole asian/muslim thing, or that he made runs while others couldn't, it didn't seem to matter, people liked him.
His technical flaws are the sort of small flaws that he can survive with if he works hard. He will score in front of square against a team that pitches up. He will score more than 37. He looked like the best batsman Australia had today. He has more than a few classy shots left in him.
The ground never got any less dank the whole time he batted; he was on and off twice while he was out there. His runs didn't light up the SCG; they just seemed to make Aussie fans happy
His composure and calmness made a mockery of Australia's top order throughout the series. He looked like he belonged more than most.
In his first knock in Shield cricket he made 85 run out, against Victoria, it's fair to say he handles pressure fairly well.
That innings should have pissed me off, but I liked him then, have liked him since, loved his blog piece on being mistaken for a Pakistani cricketer, and loved how he went about it today.
Sometimes you feel you can jinx a young player you like, but I can't help it, I like his vibe, and to paraphrase a random tweet put up on the big screen by some telecommunications cartel that was ripped off from my man Keatsy, I hope he stays a thing of beauty and a joy forever.
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January 2, 2011
The Alternative Cricket Almanack
[image error]The Alternative Cricket Almanack 2011 is a collection of articles from 20 cricket writers on the net.
All proceeds from the book go to a scholarship for Afghan youth cricket. So that one day they will embarrass your country in a world cup.
The book itself veers in content from 'Zombie Bradman' to 'Life in the Ladies' Locker Room', with the obligatory homage to Tendulkar in between. We also have our hotly anticipated Team of the Year, along with Diary of a Cricket Widow.
Buy the book here (UK, £6.75):
Buy the book here (USA, $11.70):
The proceeds from each book can buy six boxes for Afghan cricketers. That's 12 pairs of testicles you're offering safety, security and comfort to, for every book that you buy.
Sure, you could use your money on buying novelty t shirts or hardcore porn, but save some for this as well.
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