Jarrod Kimber's Blog, page 80

Nice try, Australia, but you still suck at playing spin

You thought you could get away with it.

I bet Ricky is cackling as we speak.

"Dudes, it's easy, just get a patsy to tell the ICC that we fixed the game, and no one will noticed how bad we are at moving around the spinners".

Yeah, well I'm not falling for it.

All this talk of laughing, and laughing cats, is a nice cover, but I can't help but think that something is shitty in Denmark.

Even if the ICC were looking into your performance, it's leaking is probably due to some PR maintenance from someone super stylish like Philip Popester.

Now I think about it, even that TV story is shaky.

And Douggie's injury.

All of these occurrences have been faked to keep people from talking about how bad Australia plays spin.

If it weren't evil it would be genius.

These sly motherfuckers have been working the media over so damn well that they should be the ones teaching the batsmen how to manipulate the ball into gaps.

Without these three stories people might be asking if a top five with three batsmen who are essentially boofers and not batsmen could struggle in the world cup to find the singles they need to build the big totals.

Instead, we talk about spot fixing, boxes hitting TVs and whatever injury Douggie has today.

Very clever, but we're onto you now, and we know you're going to try pussy out with the excuses and we won't let it happen.

If you start to score heavily against the spinners, especially in singles, then we'll know there's a real chance of a fix, until then, enough with the PR stunts.

[image error]

Natalie Portman's great career

I'm sure I'm not the only one who remembers Natalie Portman's debut innings.

It was raw and risky, but it was a hell of a statement. No one could have expected someone that young to put in an effort anywhere near that good.  She was light on her feet, energetic, level headed and delivered something amazing.

It's not to say that her career went on to be great straight away.

Only a few years after that amazing start she was out of the game, it wasn't that the selectors who didn't want her, she just didn't feel, wanted to get her head right and knew she was good enough to make it back. Her last innings before she left was an awesome effort in a team win, but she left at the right time.

When she came back, not everyone was happy. She'd now been elevated to a superstar, and some felt that she shouldn't have as she'd been out of the game for a while. Even then,  she'd performed well.  However, it was clear that she felt limited by the game plan that George Lucas gave to her.

From there on in she cemented herself as a sublime creator of an innings, whether she was being gritty on a dodgy wicket, swinging hard in a cameo, taking charge and kicking ass, lighting up the pace with a carefree knock or getting her head down and putting in a long skilful innings.

I'm not saying she hasn't played some shockers, but overall she has shown class and skill and made a great crowd pleasing career.

Now that high class and highly entertaining career has now been capped off with a world cup final hundred. Not many players do that.

She has now climbed to the top of the tree, and I couldn't be happier for her.

Natalie, you deserved this.  You're a superstar. And I get so much pleasure from watching you. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one.

Watch the Chuck Fleetwood-Smiths.

[image error]

Steve Davies comes out

I like Steven Davies square drive. It's part of the reason I call him Steve Dave. It's a slashy uncontrollable shot that could go anywhere. Loose and risky.  He'd be better off playing it as a push or just trying to place it. For better or worse, he doesn't, and there is something cool about that.

Now I also like that he has come out as gay. He didn't have to, some players have hid their sexuality their whole life, and there is no reason to think Steve Dave couldn't have done the same. Instead he's come out, and not at the end of his career, but at 24, when his career has barely started.

I respect that.

Everyone plays it safe, and Davies had more to lose than most, so I can't help but think this decision takes some special testicular reinforcement.

Perhaps because of people like Steve Dave one day people won't have to come out, they'll just roam around the world fucking whoever they want, like it should be.

I hope more cricketers follow his lead to square drive rashly and be who they are.

This is a good day for cricket.

Well played, Steve Dave.

[image error]

India and Sachin are right to hate the flawed democracy of UDRS

There are many flaws with the UDRS.

Snicko can't be used because it takes too long and is easily cheated with. The whole thing costs people money and no one wants to pay for it. It takes too long. The weapons systems need to be set up manually which they often are incorrectly. Hot spot can be cheated. Sachin is against it. Simon Katich and Daryl Harper both are often involved.

All that said, it is here and now. We can all do barroom pontification on why democracy is a majorly flawed system of governance, but with an army of millions of the world's poor and the backing of Ashton Kutcher and Stephen Fry on twitter there is little we can do to change it.

UDRS is like democracy.

And in this world cup we don't even have a strong democracy, but a half a democracy with severeal of our rights not even being used.

Still, on the face of it fewer mistakes are made, wrongs are righted, and we all go home just not sad enough that we want to upset the world balance.

Then Ian Bell gets hit 2.5 metres away from the stumps. Apparently missiles can't travel for the last 2.5 metres, so Billy trusts his original mistake.

Bell walked after seeing the video, other batsmen have been given out because of the 2.5 metre clause, and the only reason not to do it was because Billy doesn't like to be wrong, even though you'd think he'd be used to it by now.

That this all happened against India, who have all but banned this democracy because their supreme ruler doesn't like it, makes it even more important.

Now I've been on all sides of UDRS in the past. I like that it stops bad decisions, but I hate that it stops the drama and constant complaining of a truly shocking decision.

It was brought in to stop the shockers, but it spends most of its time trying to work out shades of grey, and it's as open to interpretation as anything on the field, it just takes longer.

I like mistakes, hate it when things take time, and need to suck up to Sachin to get more hits, so I say no to UDRS.

It's evil, boring, often wrong and doesn't make the game better.

I want the shockers back, I want them to be instantaneous and I want the might of the Sachin Tendulkar Internet Militia to get on my side.

Anyone for the UDRS is basically questioning the sexuality and batting prowess of Sachin Tendulkar.

UDRS is as flawed as democracy and way more unnecessary. Plus it's crap, Sachin told us so.

Yes to Sachin, No to UDRS.

Watch the Chuck Fleetwood-Smiths

[image error]

The Chuck Fleetwood-Smiths are just two pricks

When we were at the Ashes, we were two pricks at the Ashes.

We're not at the Ashes anymore, and two pricks at a random location in London doesn't work as well.

So we've renamed the show, we're now the Chuck Fleetwood-Smiths.

Chuck was a drunk, star, Victorian, crazy man, wrist spin god and spent a good deal of his later life as a homeless bum. This makes him the perfect cricketer to name a tiny little internet show after.

In our minds we want to be Chuck bowling Bradman, in reality we're closer to homeless bums, and we're happy with both.

There is a website, facebook page and twitter account because we're responsible social networkers.

Here is the first new show, it has boxes, a Tooting ice cream store, cricket chat and mundane touring photos.  It's pure Chuck.

[image error]

Tahir is legspin

I've been waiting since 2008 for my Imran Tahir love to be shared with the world.

The world has gone through a brutal legspin drought.  There's Cremer, Smith, Rashid, Chawla, Mishra and Danish who all front up at times, but none of them are really taking the world by storm, or even by much more than drizzle.

As a man who fetishes legspin like nothing else, it's been a lean era.

If it were not for the warm, fuzzy and then utterly violent Bryce McGain story and Imran Tahir I'd have left this world a few years back.

When I asked for world sides or who my favourite spinner was Tahir was who I picked.

It was more than the alice band, highlights, brilliant celebrating and journeyman status, Tahir can bowl.

And it isn't some pseudo legspin straight breaks that you can only go out to through trying to hit them repeatedly out the ground, it's proper out the back of the hand lepsin dark arts.

There's wrong'uns, half trackers, flippers, full tosses and that awesome Pakistani legspin energy through the crease that makes them look like Cocained Disney characters.

What's not to like?

That his first game for a world wide audience ended in four wickets doesn't justify my love for him, I probably would have felt the same if he couldn't land the ball and was only given three ropey overs

The man is a proper legspinner, and whether he lives or dies in this world cup, I'm just glad to see one around.

To me he feels like cricket.

Although, like most, I did gag when he kissed his badge, which is now the ultimate sporting auto-fellatio.

Tahir should stick to wrist action, it's what he's best at.

[image error]

TV ruins cricket, Ponting fights back

I think everyone would agree TV has ruined that cricket.

The UDRS, Tony Greig, Kerry Packer, Lalit Modi, tracer bullets and crappy cricket merchandise have been haunting us for years.

Without TV, cricket would be pure and right, a utopian sport of awesomeness.

With TV, cricket is a dreary repetitive whore who is always asking for money and regularly leaving you without climax or cuddles.

There is no doubt that TV is the worst thing to happen to cricket since Don Bradman.

I've always said it, there's probably a facebook group about it.

You know I'm right, cricket has been ruined by the professionalism TV has brought in, our beautiful gentleman's game has been blighted by microphones in stumps and up players.

We now hear grunts, swears and general boo boos, and he third wall has been brought down.

Cricket is now naked, in HD, standing before us, ever pore and orifice wide open, and we're all to blame.

While I just complain about it, Ricky Ponting does something about it.

He's not content lazily whining about TV, he's hitting back.

While it is easy to misconstrue his attack on the TV in the changerooms as the actions of a fading superstar who no longer understands why he can't perform the way he once did, it is actually attack on the symbolism of TV itself.

Ponting didn't attack the TV out of frustration after a run out, he did it because of the way TV has ruined our great game.

So instead of taking the piss out of Ponting, we should all thank him as he has launched the first attack on this beast that has spent years greedily sucking on the wonderful teat of our great game.

Support Ponting, smash your TV with a cricket bat.

Fight the power button.

[image error]

The joy of biff: The Rizwan Cheema story

I know little about Rizwan Cheema, and I like it that way. When he almost got picked in the IPL three, I mentioned him, and when I look at a Canadian scorecard I now look for his name first, even before John Davison.

For all I know Cheema was reared by cavemen in the Canadian rockies who had carvings of Shahid Afridi and Inzi on their walls, fed him uncooked moose meat, and beat him everytime he played straight.

If that is true, it would be cool, it's far more likely that he is from a Pakistani family who emigrated to Canadia and played a bunch of club cricket where he slogged across the line because it was Canadian Club (they should be the sponsor) Cricket.

His origin story is not that important, what is important is that by definition he is a dirty slogger.

His natural shot is over straight midwicket, dirty, slutty, disguting, slappy, assy slogging.

It's almost perfect.

Just someone humping the ball as hard as he can, body in the wrong position, head in the sky and mind on sixes.

Slogging is not ugly, it's desperation and masculinity.

Cheema is the perfect representation of this.

When Cheema plays a straight drive it feels wrong, like a big hitting boxer who jabs too much.

I don't want to know about him, I just wanna see him slog.

Big ugly beautiful hits across the line, that's all I want from him.

When I'm watching a boring game, I want him to come in, no matter what the side is, just for him to hump across the line and liven up my life.

International cricket and humanity as a whole needs more slog, more club cricketers who hit the ball hard without really trying to look correct.

Cheema's slogs may look like anyone could play them, but when he does he could feed the poor, cure aids and hit sixes of medium fast bowlers.

How can that be ugly?

[image error]

Why England's secret means they will win the world cup

All the teams, bar one, have the wrong preparation for the world cup.

India's winning it for Sachin attitude and a causal flirtation with Sehwagology won't win it. Imran Tahir's alice band can't do it. Angelo Mathews smooth skin is not enough. Pakistan's puppy dog excitement and ball biting will be found out. New Zealand haven't entered a side. Australia have lost their one man middle order. And the Windies have some sweet honey to drip on DJ Sammy, but honey is not enough in a world cup.

No, The only team who has the secret to winning the world cup is England, and that is because Andrew Strauss has read the secret.

Yes that cringe-worthy Melbournian recycled positive speak psycho bullshit book about drawing what you want to do and then having the god of the middle class universe deliver it to you.

The great thing about the secret is you don't have to ask for world peace or the end of aids, those poor and sick people deserve it, just ask for a new bike, ipad or a world cup.

This is what Andrew Strauss has done.

[image error]

Before the ashes he drew a picture of the Ashes, and then he won them. Now he has drawn the world cup and is just waiting for the victory to be delivered to him.

Sure, you're a sceptic, you've heard some whiny loser telling you about how they whited out their bank balance and then made millions of dollars because of the secret. Then a few days later you saw them eating an aborted foetus from out the back of a family planning clinic a few days later.

You also saw the far more disgusting scene of Australia's play in the Ashes making the secret's secret largely redundant.

But, England only won the Ashes because they used the Secret (I know, another bloody Australian coach) to ask, believe and receive.

Look at England's recent history and you'll know they're all over this secret stuff.

The secret tells you to avoid contact with fatties, bye bye Samit Fatel.

The secret tells you that people who are sick bring it on their self, how are the cramps Owais.

The secret tells you to follow the previous masters of the secret, like bloody Bobby Simpson.

I know that on the face of it England looks like a scrambling team that has no real idea how to put together a one day side for the world cup. Their wicketkeeping conveyor belt is confusing. Their batting in the middle overs is useless. And they have a new opener every 15 minutes. But, any team that knows how to harness the amazing power of the laws of attraction cannot be beaten by non secret believers.

They've asked, they believe and they shall receive. Otherwise the secret is just not worth the paper it is vomited on.

[image error]

The World Cup is Inter-racial Inter-species bukaki scat preggo erotica

Even after all the bad press, pointless scheduling and Bryan Adams songs, I still like the world cup.

I always have. Even though I've never really liked ODIs.

The world cup is just final, not just because it has a final, but it ends, and someone wins, everyone else loses and their can't be discussions about well they beat them, but they can't beat them, so their only number one by default.

No, if you win a world cup, you're the best team in ODIs, no rankings can take that away, you won a world cup, go dip yourself in a hughe vat of champagne and ruin the rest of your career.

One dayers have never been less relevant, they might even end up as the CD Walkman of cricket. For whatever reason, I still don't care, I just want my world cup.

Cricket, as is often the case, can be related to porn.

Everyday porn is fine, it does the job, gets you through whatever metaphysical crisis you have that day, and helps you sleep.

Porn is rarely special to you, expect for odd moments where it transcends basic human self copulating.

Then you stumble across the rare video that involves black men, white pregnant women, buckets of human ejaculate, live defecation and the molestation of pigs.

It's not just normal porn, the basic premise of this video is the same thing, but with all the other elements involved it evolves well beyond porn.

As boring as the world cup can get, there are few JAMODIs (Just another meaningless ODI) and you know that even if the odd game is pointless, at the end there will be a climax that you will probably remember in one way or another for most of your life.

That is why the world cup means something, it has nothing to do with 50 overs, powerplays, fielding restrictions or the mandatory ball changes. It's about the climax, and how as cricket fans we are often bogged down in cricket without a big finale.

Change it to 20 overs, cut out the useless games, make up fielding restrictions that result in neck injuries and make the balls pink, just keep the end and play it every four years.

To me the world cup gives us the one thing test cricket can't, it will always end with two teams that have to win while we all watch.

I know it isn't always pretty, well thought out or even that exciting, but it builds, builds, builds and builds, then goes bang, like many of the best things in life.

[image error]