Jarrod Kimber's Blog, page 86

two pricks at the ashes: waca day 3

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previously at the waca

Australia

Well, who knew.

England

Entered the day looking like they could win the ashes by the weekend, ended the day wishing they hadn't taken the piss out of poor lil Mitch.

Who's in front

Australia should now win the match from here, although they are due a collapse in this innings.

Play of the day

Siddle and Prior were having a go at each other after Prior was very unlucky to get bowled.  Ponting seemed to step in and try and settle Siddle down.  Then he seemed to have a go at Prior.  I like a man who can enter a conflict with the intention of making it better only to make it worse.

Testicular moment of the day

Cricketers all around the world are asking to be dropped so they can fly to the magical Adelaide nets and find the magic beans Mitchell used.  On a day like this you can build up enough good faith to spend 6 tests in a row playing shithouse before getting dropped.

Working class moment of the day

Ian Bell played the most composed innings of the test.  Had it not been for batting with the tail he wouldn't have been dismissed in this series yet.  And, he's Ian Bell.

Weird factoid of the day

Mitchell Johnson swung more balls on one day of cricket than he has in his entire life.

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Two pricks at the Ashes: WACA day 2

Facebook love.

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Phil Hughes' problem

It isn't the short ball that does him in it's form.

You don't believe me?

Look at this…

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That is Australia's team manager.

He tweeted that while Hughes was batting.

It isn't this bullshit about the short ball that Hughes has problems with, he just doesn't have any form so he is working out his problems by being recalled to test cricket.

Thanks to Brett for the heads up.

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My abusive relationship with Mitchell Johnson

It started before I even saw him. The use of the words 'once in a generation' made me keen to know more.

When I first saw him I didn't think much, he was just a dumb kid and he wasn't what I was looking for. Unlike the rest, I never fell for the left arm types; I don't care what arm you use as long as you use it well.

Then he disappeared, and I must admit, I barely gave him a second thought.

When he came back I thought it was a bit weird, but then when he made it to the top level it really annoyed me. This dude had been driving a van for a plumber instead of trying to please me, why would I want him around?

It didn't matter by this point, he was in my life whether I wanted him or not.

This, and his constant wide deliveries, really got to me. Every time Lee or Clark put the pressure on, this young buck with a stupid piercing would come on and let it all off.

Then he got better. He still bowled wide, but he took wickets as well. Without noticing my feelings change, suddenly it became apparent that I really liked him. The two old guys meant very little to me, it was all about Mitchell.

By the time he took South Africa down he was the only one I wanted.

Leading into the Ashes I wasn't worried about too much, just that Mitchell would get injured. I couldn't stand the thought he'd get hurt.

Then it all went wrong. During the ashes all I wanted was for him to get hurt.

That followed with a year of him being vile to me. Really fucken nasty at times. I tried to be nice to him, but when he goads you like that you just can't help yourself.

It was sick and wrong, we were entrapped in hatred, that is how these relationships go, you can't live with each other and you can't kill the other person by drowning them in a soiled toilet.

This went on for the longest time, until I and everyone else were sick of him. Finally, he was gone. The cycle of hate could end.

That wasn't true though, he wasn't really gone. He was still around, just not in front of me, it just seemed like I could move on, find new people, become happy without him.

It just didn't happen that way.

The other men were just as miserable as him, and he was quickly back. Way too quick for me.

Then he does this. Given me so much in one day. I can barely contain myself. While I might hate him for all the shit he brings me, when he is kind, he is very very kind.

The problem is, as good as I feel today, how will I feel in a week, a month, a year.

These moments of bliss wont last. He'll quickly become abusive to me again. It will turn ugly. I'll abuse him. We'll turn to hate and try to make life as painful as possible for each other.

The cycle is set to continue. I speak out because I fear I am not the only one.

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Two pricks at the Ashes: Waca day 1 (delayed underwear edition)

Sorry, the computer had a rough trip in the back of a taxi and stopped working. Now I'm back on my game.



Bug us on facebook.

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previously at the waca

Australia

This is a brave and willing team.  I salute them for looking down the barrel of the gun and shooting themselves in the face again.

England

Sharp, prepared, earnest, energetic and capable.  They're like a well performing New Zealand side with talent.

Who's in front

England, but an Australian style fuck up could make this a far more interesting and shorter game of cricket.

Play of the day

Alastair Cook cut a six.  Even with all his runs and his current form, you just don't expect Alastair Cook to cut a six.  You don't really expect him to dream about cutting a six.  I don't even think he dreams.

Testicular moment of the day

In the media people are far too worried about getting in trouble to call Tremlett a giant soft cock.  That is essentially what they always did, just without the word cock and more flowery language.  I didn't see him looking all that more fired up today than I had seen him before, he just took wickets today.  I think you can get away with being soft if you take wickets.

Working class moment of the day

Mitchell Johnson went beyond a joke so long ago I think he still had a tongue piercing at the time.  His famous net sessions in Adelaide involved him trying to get a ball stuck in the nets down and kicking a bottle of water around.  No one was expecting too much from him with the ball, let alone the bat. In a weird way it could end up being his last test 50 and not helping Australia at all.  Classic, Mitch.

Weird factoid of the day

Andrew Strauss is still the lowest scorer in each of England's four innings so far.

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Can you blame the pitch?

The WACA is back someone will say.

The pitch was green and Australia did collapse, that must mean something.

Unfortunately for Australians looking for excuses, the wicket had very little to do with it.

Yes the signs were good, it had nice pace, not scary WACA pace, and decent carry, not throat chomping bounce.

Plus Australia's top order did collapse.

There was some help with the new ball, not just from the pitch, but from the batsmen.

Hughes problem with the short ball is massively over rated, Hughes problem with form is quite obvious when he played a drive that Hilfenahaus would have been embarrassed by.

Ponting played against Arjuna Ranatunga at the WACA, so you'd think he knows it pretty well.  Turns out he still thinks angled bats are ok here.

Clarke could get bounced out by Alastair Cook in the second innings and he'd still be flinging his bat randomly at the ball looking like he is being chased by a bunch of scary looking flying robot snakes.

Watson's dismissal never touched the pitch.

Smith got a good delivery that left him, so he pushed at it like he was trying to send a rich elderly relative down a set of stairs.

The pitch was a bit quicker and bouncier than usual, as has been promised for years, and there was green grass on it, but I think the Australians had the ability to collapse on a far better batting pitch than this.

Didn't Siddle play nice drives on the up?

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the WACA myth

The WACA is like an old rockstar.

It's from another era, falling apart, rough, ugly, people still flock to it and it lives on past glories.

This test I hope for the sort of WACA pitch that I now fear we all made up in our minds.  Blood and carnage.

I want giant cracks to open up and be filled with the blood of soft batsmen once again.  As that is how I and many people remember this ground.

It isn't how this ground is anymore.

It isn't how it has been for a long time.

The talk before the WACA tests used to be about fast bowlers and death, now people talk about how the square is quicker than how slow it has become.

I've heard about this new quick square for so long I no longer even believe there is a new square.

Now I think some cricket administracrat just started talking about it so there was positive publicity going into the match, meaning more ticket sales, then they produce the same flat dull shitty excuse for a WACA pitch hoping that on the last day they might get an extra 1000 people there.

This is a pathetic way to deal with a legend.

In music, rock legends end up making jingles, playing at birthdays, endorsing butter in stupid ads or in Vegas performing to people who were to afraid to see them when they were young, virile and dangerous.

The WACA has had that same sad fate.

The pitch is now friendly enough at certain times that they should allow old ladies to face random quick bowlers at lunch to win a weekend away at a day spa.

I hope for the best today, but until I see old ladies getting hit, I wont be convinced the pitch is getting quicker.

Buy the cricket sadist.

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things happened in cricket today

This is a random collection of bourbon inspired sour mash thoughts.

Greg Chappell said this:

'We didn't plan for Mitch to struggle in Brisbane, but certainly we had made plans beforehand to leave him out of the second Test because we felt the conditions would have suited Peter Siddle, Ryan Harris and Doug Bollinger,"

That's fine, but why make those plans so private that if he had a poor game he'd look he'd been dropped?

"Mitch was certainly out of sorts. It was always dependent of form, if he had brained them in Brisbane we would have given him consideration for Adelaide,"

If you weren't out of form, and you took actual cricket wickets and made actual cricket runs we'd have picked you in Adelaide, but being that you did neither, we rested you.

"with five Tests in seven weeks we felt we needed to mix and match the attack to suit the conditions. It is a marathon."

It's such a marathon, that we decided to let you run a mini-marathon in Melbourne just days out from the test, because we're crazy.

Oh, Greg, no wonder you're every character from the Wizard of Oz.

James Sutherland obviously felt like he needed to step up as well.

When talking to SEN he said that Australia named their squad before the first test in 06/07 just as early as they did this time.

Oh, how nice, did you pick 17 players for that series as well, because you forgot to say that on SEN, and some ex footballer from the northern suburbs never asked you.

Sri Lanka has named a squad of 30 for the world cup.

Included are Arthur C Clarke, Roy Dias, Michael Ondaatje, S.W.R.D. Bandaranaike, Chaminda Vaas and some politician.

The president, who still looks way too much like Saddam Hussein said, "It doesn't matter who is in the squad, I'll pick 15 random cabinet ministers to play, and they'll do the job I require.  We might win with a full strength team, but that won't get me re-elected. Fuck Roy Dias."

In other news, Johan Botha was physically abused in a bad way, so bad that the police said to Johan, show me on the doll where the bad spinner touched you.

Buy the cricket sadist quarterly so the editor can buy better booze.

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