Mark Sheldon's Blog: Mark Sheldon's Dossier of Flayed Cliches, page 9
April 7, 2011
Cooking With Gas
Back in college, I was dating an ice skater. One time, after a skating match, she told me that she had really been cooking with gas that night. I told her that was dangerous, not just because she'd melt the ice, but because she should have been concentrating on her skating. Never heard from her again. Some women are really touchy about their cooking.
April 5, 2011
Cooked His Goose
One time, after I foiled one of his plans for World Domination, my Evil Twin, Kram Sheldon, told me that I had cooked his goose. I calmly pointed out that he didn't own a goose, he owned a hairless cat, and I sure as heck wasn't about to cook that cat, partly because that would be inhumane, but mostly because that thing creeps the heck out of me and I won't go anywhere near it. Siblings can be weird about their pets.
April 4, 2011
Came up Smelling Like a Rose
One time, back in college, a friend of mine told me that he had been worried about getting in trouble for skipping out of class the previous week, but he ended up coming up smelling like a rose. I told him that it was kinda wrong and weird to be taking rose-scented baths with his professors. Some people will do anything to get a good grade.
April 2, 2011
Falling Apart at the Seams
I apologize for my brother's actions and behavior yesterday. Fortunately, I managed to escape from my imprisonment in a heroic escapade involving a wad of used chewing gum, a bit of straw, and a very tame and friendly three-legged hamster. We shall now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.One time, a friend told me that his sister had fallen apart at the seams after her boyfriend left her. I was troubled by this, because I had seen his sister before and she looked NOTHING like Oogie Boogie. This just goes to show that appearances can be deceiving.
April 1, 2011
Do Not An Immoral Thing for Moral Reasons
Kram Sheldon, Evil Twin of Mark, here. I've taken over things now, even this silly little bore-blog of my brother's. Things should be more interesting now. Anywho, I guess I should get on with this thing, eh? How does he do this? Oh yeah, he pretends to be a total doofus. Got it. This one time, at Evil Camp, somebody said to me, "Do not an immoral thing for moral reasons." So, by the way I see it, that means as long as I'm doing immoral things for immoral reasons, I'm all set. Awesome.
March 31, 2011
People Who Live in Glass Houses Shouldn't Throw Stones
People often say that people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, but not very many people live in glass houses, so saying that is kind of silly. It makes more sense to say that people who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glass, because you could end up stepping on the broken glass and have to go to the emergency room and get stitches.
Come Again?
One time, when I was giving a presentation in class, one of my classmates interrupted me and asked me to come again. I told him that was entirely inappropriate, not to mention extremely rude as it showed that he was not at all paying any attention to my lecture. Some people only have one-track minds.
March 30, 2011
Cold Turkey
Somebody once told me that the reason he was crabby was because he was quitting smoking cold turkey. I told him that I didn't realize that one could smoke a turkey, and that I wasn't sure how one would keep the turkey cold after lighting it. Also, that just sounds like a good recipe for food poisoning. Some people have very strange vices.
Cold Feet
One time, I was the best man for my cousin's wedding. The night before the wedding, he told me that he thought he was getting cold feet. I told him that Caroline, the maid of honor, had some warm, fuzzy socks that would probably help with that, and so I sent him to borrow some from her. For some reason, neither he nor Caroline showed up at the wedding the next day. Some people aren't very good at keeping appointments.
March 26, 2011
Close Shave
Back in elementary school, a friend told me that he'd had a close shave when he almost got caught going up the wrong side of the slide by the principal. I told him that A) he was WAY too young to be shaving, 2) the slide only had two sides, so if he couldn't figure out which one was the right one, that was pretty sad, and III) if he was shaving WHILE going on the slide (and on the wrong side, at that), then he really was just asking for a trip to the emergency room. Some kids aren't very bright.
