Mark Sheldon's Blog: Mark Sheldon's Dossier of Flayed Cliches, page 13

Blow Your Own Horn

Somebody once accused me of blowing my own horn.  I told him that A) I've never played any instrument other than those plastic recorder things in elementary school, let alone an actual horn; 2) even if I did play the horn, I most certainly would hope that I was blowing my own instead of somebody else's, 'cause, eww; and III) EWWWWWW.  Some people have no sense of good hygiene.

In Stitches

Someone once told me that they bet I keep my wife, Besty, in stitches.  I told them that was a totally unfounded accusation, as I have never abused any woman I've ever dated or married.  Betsy and I are both very clutzy people, and as a result we both usually have more than our own share of stitches between the two of us, but neither of us have ever intentionally hurt the other.  Some people just always assume the worst of other people.

Blood is Thicker Than Water

One time, my uncle told me that blood is thicker than water.  For some reason, the judge never believed me when I told him that my uncle was a vampire (of the evil, non-sparkly variety) and that I was acting out the best interests of society when I staked him.  Some people have no respect for the threat that the Undead poses to society.  I blame Stephanie Meyer.

Blind Leading the Blind

Somebody once told me that my lecture on not taking things too literally was like the blind leading the blind.  I snapped at him and told him that I can't help it if I have poor genetics in the vision department, and that he really should be more sensitive towards people's handicaps.  Some people have absolutely no sense of how to be PC.

Man-Eating Llamas From the Underworld

Today I am going to break away for a bit from the usual Flayed Cliche topic of this blog, in order to discuss something very serious that we all should be aware of: Man-Eating Llamas From the Underworld (MELFU's).  MELFU's account for almost 90% of unexplained disappearances of humans and pets (except for gerbil pets, MELFU's can't STAND the taste of gerbils) worldwide.

Now, with all of the wintry weather occurring in various parts of the world, I have heard many people complaining about snow, ice-rain, and just generally shitty, cold weather.  This is understandable, but I must point out that on the whole, this weather is still preferable to fiery comets of lava ridden by Man-Eating Llamas From the Underworld.  See, there's a bright side to every situation.

One must always tread carefully in the presence of llamas. Most of them are just normal, Earth-born llamas, but in every herd there's almost always at least one MELFU.

What makes the MELFU's so dangerous, is that they look almost exactly like a regular llama - the only real way to tell the difference is that sometimes they can be sloppy eaters (and let's face it, we all like to do that every once in a while, so we can't really hold that against them - the whole man-eating thing however...) and they'll leave traces of human entrails down their fronts, or bits of children bones get stuck in their fur, or fingernails stuck in their teeth. That's really the only hope you have of distinguishing them apart from normal llamas.  Other than, of course, waiting to see if it eats you or not.


So please, tread carefully.  I am super serial when I say that we all must be wary of the MELFU's, less they claim us and our children as their victims in the night.  Sure, your friendly neighborhood llama may look like just your everyday, garden-variety llama, but is it really worth the risk to wait until it has eaten your children to know if it was a MELFU? I think not.


Thank you, and I hope that I might have helped the world be just a little bit safer by spreading MELFU awareness.  Hopefully, someday, we will be able to proudly celebrate the month of February as International MELFU Awareness Month.

Bleeding Heart

Somebody once told me that my wife, Betsy, was a bleeding heart.  I panicked, grabbed Betsy, and rushed her to the emergency room.  After the doctors had finished checking her out, they assured me that Betsy's heart was not bleeding.  Some people have a real sick idea of a practical joke.

Black Sheep of the Family

My mother once referred to my Evil Twin, Kram, as the black sheep of the family.  Naturally, I was rather shocked and disgusted, for although it certainly explained Kram's allergy to wool and his insistence on being a vegetarian, I really did not need to know that my parents had experimented with bestiality.  I had been perfectly happy living in my ignorant delusion that this was only done by lonely Welsh shepherds, and not my old folks.  Some parents are WAY too open with their children.

Bite the Bullet

One time back in college, a classmate of mine was stressed out over a test that he hadn't prepared for, and shortly before the exam began he told me that it was time to bite the bullet.  I told him that biting a bullet would be a pretty lame attempt at getting out of a test.  Sure, he'd probably end up chipping at least a couple of teeth and would have to go to the dentist's for an emergency visit, but he'd still have to take the test eventually.  Plus, if the bullet casing broke, he'd end up with a mouthful of gunpowder, and that's just nasty.  Some people will do anything to get out of taking a test.

Better Half

One time, a friend told me that he was going to have to check with his better half before making plans for Saturday night.  I told him that I had never realized that he was also a twin.  I also told him that my twin - Kram Sheldon - was the Evil one and I was the Good one, and that Kram never bothers to check with me first before making plans.  Some Evil twins just have no respect for their better halves.

Behind the Eight Ball

A former boss once warned me that I was behind the eight ball.  I told him that I found it highly inappropriate of him not only to make racial slurs against Kevin, the office's token African-American, like that, but also to be starting false rumors about my sexuality.  Some people have absolutely no sense of office etiquette.