Mark Sheldon's Blog: Mark Sheldon's Dossier of Flayed Cliches, page 15

Steal His Thunder

Someone once told me that he was planning on stealing the thunder of our co-worker, Pubert.  I told him that I hadn't realized that Pubert was the god Zeus (although, that certainly did explain how he had such a way with women with a name like Pubert), but I was pretty sure that would be a bad idea.  Zeus doesn't like it when his lightning bolt is stolen.  Just read Percy Jackson.  Some people I guess just like to live dangerously.

You Look Like a Monkey

When I was little, on my birthday my mother would sing "Happy birthday to you, you look like a monkey and act like one, too."  Thanks to that song, I developed a monkey complex and to this day I can't watch any of the "King Kong" movies without feeling my face to make sure that I don't really like a monkey.  Mothers can be so sadistic.

Til the Cows Come Home

A friend once told me that we could argue about where to eat until the cows came home, but it wouldn't get us anywhere.  I pointed out that it actually would get us somewhere, as then we wouldn't have to worry about where to eat since we would have the cows.  However, I admitted that seeing as we were in Boston, it would probably be quite a wait, since cows are not exactly indigenous to that area, so we'd be better off just going to McDonald's.  He threw his hands up in frustration and stomped away.  Some people are so indecisive.

Beat the Band

Back in college, a friend once told me that the party we were planning for Saturday night was going to beat the band.  I pointed out to him that A) we hadn't hired a band, 2) even if we had hired a band, I didn't have enough baseball bats or cricket mallets for everyone at the party, and III) I really wasn't interested in going to jail for assault and battery charges anyway.  Some people are so violent.

Tied the Knot

One time, after his return from a trip to Vegas, a friend told me that he'd gotten drunk and tied the knot with a girl he met at a club over the weekend.  I told him that if he was into bondage and what-not, that was fine, but I really didn't need to hear about it.  Some people are just way too candid.

The Whole Nine Yards

A friend in college once told me that he was on going the whole nine yards on his date on Saturday night.  I told him that nine yards really wasn't that far - it was barely the distance between my dorm and his - and that I doubted that a girl would really be all that impressed by his just walking nine yards.  Some people have no sense of distance.

The Ball is in Your Court

Somebody in a meeting once told me that the ball was in my court.  I was rather confused by this as we were not playing any form of ball game, nor were we playing Medieval Knights.  I told him that though I had never heard of a game that combined both ball sports and Medieval Knights into one game, it definitely sounded intriguing, especially if the Jester was the Goalie.  He looked at me oddly and stormed out of the meeting in a huff.  Some people just don't know how to take suggestions.

Spitting Image

Somebody once told me that I was the spitting image of my father.  I was speechless.   I could not believe that someone would ever say that I would ever spit at a picture of my own father.  Some people have no sense of tact.

Son of a Gun

Somebody once called me a son of a gun.  I told him that I thought he was rather confused, as guns aren't able to reproduce since A) they don't have genitals, 2) they aren't organisms and III) even if the previous two facts weren't true, they would most likely kill all their offspring anyway.  One black eye later, I learned the valuable lesson that an F in biology combined with an NRA membership is a dangerous combination.

Smell a Rat

One time, back when I was a CIA spy, I was on a mission when one of my fellow spies confided in me that he thought he smelled a rat.  I got rather upset with him, because there really wasn't anything I could do as far as bathing Peter, my pet rat, when we were on assignment like this, and I certainly couldn't leave him at home, where the cat would undoubtedly finally succeed at reconfiguring him into digestive waste.  Some people just have no respect for other people's pets.