Mark Sheldon's Blog: Mark Sheldon's Dossier of Flayed Cliches, page 18

Never Bite The Hand That Feeds You

Someone once told me that I should never bite the hand that feeds me.  Naturally, I got rather offended and snapped at him that I am a grown man and have not required anyone to help feed me in over twenty years.

Long in the Tooth

A friend in middle school once told me that her pet rabbit was getting rather long in the tooth.  I told her that seeing as fluffy was a rabbit, that really wasn't anything to be that worried about.  She burst into tears and didn't talk to me for a couple months.  Young girls tend to be so emotional.

Let the Cat Out of the Bag

Somebody once told me that it was time to let the cat out of the bag.  Naturally, I reported him immediately to the Humane Society for being cruel to animals.  And to think that I had trusted a monster like that with my secret recipe for time-traveling strawberry shortcake.  Some people you just never truly know who they really are.

Lend Me Your Ear

Somebody once asked me to lend him my ear.  I told him that under absolutely no circumstance would I do that, since he had two perfectly functioning ears and had no need for a third.  I also pointed out that it was rather odd to ask for me to loan him my ear; what was he going to do when he was done with it? Just hand it back and say, "OK, thanks, you can have it back now?"  Apparently he thinks that all artists are like Van Gogh.  Well, we're not.  Some of us are rather fond of all of our various body parts being ATTACHED, thank you very much.

Kick the Bucket

A friend in middle school once told me that he was upset because his hamster had kicked the bucket.  I told him that really wasn't something to be sad about - if anything I'd be scared that my hamster had gotten large enough to kick a bucket.  I've watched a enough B sci-fi and horror movies to know that giant rodents are never a good sign.

Keep an Eye On It

One time back in middle school, I was helping my mother in the kitchen to prepare for our Halloween party.  She told me to keep an eye on the oven for her while it cooked.  I sure as heck wasn't going to use my own eye, so I went around the neighborhood, looking for a dead squirrel, or cat or something.  I couldn't find one, unfortunately, and when I got back, my mother was yelling at me about letting the dinner burn.  I pointed out that she knows I can't multi-task and that she shouldn't have sent me off looking for eyes if she wanted me to keep the food from burning.  After that, I wasn't allowed back in the kitchen.

It's a Small World

Somebody once told me that it's a small world.  I told him that I think his idea of "small" might need some tinkering, as the world's circumference is 24,901 miles, its diameter is 7,926, and it weighs 6,585,000,000,000,000,000,000 tons.  Some people just have no sense of proportion.  I can't help wondering if he was possessed by those evil puppets at Disneyland, making a twisted attempt for World Domination...

Reach Out and Touch Someone

Somebody once told me I should reach out and touch someone.  I took his advice.  I would NOT recommend doing this, unless you want a healthy slap across the face and a restraining order filed against you.  If that's what you're into, however, by all means do it.

Icing on the Cake

Someone once told me that the promotion he'd just received was just icing on the cake.  I got very upset with him, because he hadn't told me anything about cake before that, and he very obviously hadn't saved a piece for me and I told him that he should have brought enough for everybody.  Some people just have no manners.

Joshing

Somebody at a party once told me that he suspected I was Joshing him when I asked him to go get some more beer out of the cellar where, little did he know it, one of our friends was waiting in a pink gorilla costume (the costume store was unfortunately out of regular gorilla costumes and the only other option would have been a giraffe costume, and giraffe's really aren't that scary) to jump out at him.  I reminded him that my name is Mark, not Josh.  Some people are just terrible with names.