Mark Sheldon's Blog: Mark Sheldon's Dossier of Flayed Cliches, page 20

The Wrong Side of the Bed

 Someone once told me that he had gotten up on the wrong side of the bed that morning.  I pointed out to him that seeing as there are only four sides of the bed - and that at least one of those sides is more than likely against a wall - then it really should be a simple matter of elimination to determine which is the right side to get up on, and that if he's getting up on the side where the wall is, then that's really nobody's fault but his own.  And that's not even going into if he had one of those '70's-style circular porno beds with the satin leopard-print sheets...

Funny Farm

Someone once told me that if I didn't get my act together, "they" were going to ship me off to the funny farm.  I've always liked animals, and although I've never seen them do stand-up comedy before, I would think that would be, at the very least, rather entertaining to witness, so I couldn't really see how that would be any kind of punishment.  Perhaps he was lactose intolerant...

Flash in the Pan

An ex-girlfriend once told me that I was a flash in the pan.  This left me rather confused, as I had not flashed her - in this particular instance - and we were not cooking.  I told her that while I try to be open-minded in the bedroom, if she tried to fry me in a pan, whether I was flashing her or not, that would definitely be crossing the line.  Some women have really strange fetishes...

Finding Your Feet

A new hire at a job I used to work at confided in me, after a few weeks, that he was starting to find his feet.  Puzzled and concerned, I went to my supervisor and explained that I was worried about the new guy.  After all, if he was only just now finding his feet at twenty-something years old, he might not be the most qualified person for the job of a shoe salesman.  To this day, I still wonder how long it took for him to find his hands...

Everything But the Kitchen Sink

One time, I was shopping for a new car.  The dealer told me that the car I was currently looking at came with everything but the kitchen sink.  I couldn't help but think that this certainly explained why there are so many accidents on the roads these days, if people are doing their cooking and dishes while driving, now.  I understand that some people think that convenience is a luxury, but that's just really taking things too far.

Every Cloud Has A Silver Lining

Someone once told me that every cloud has a silver lining.  I told him not to be ridiculous, because silver is heavy, so if that was true there'd be silver falling out of the sky all the time, not to mention the damage it would do to airplanes that fly through the clouds everyday.  Apparently, he wasn't familiar with Newton and physics...

Dry Run

I have mentioned previously that I used to date a girl who was involved in theatrical arts.  Well, one time when she was in the midst of rehearsals for a show, she told me that they were going to do a dry run that night.  I thought this was a rather odd thing for them to be doing, so close to the show's opening, and told her that they really should be rehearsing rather than exercising.  However, I did add that at least they were running dry, because otherwise they would risk getting sick (not to mention that they would have to look into getting the roof of the theater patched so that it didn't leak anymore).  She didn't talk to me for a week after that.  Women are strange.

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Out of Pocket

Somebody once told me that she was going to be out of pocket for a while.  I looked at her oddly and said she wasn't nearly tiny enough to fit inside anyone's pocket, she'd have to be Stuart Little size for that to work.  Unless, of course, it was a giant's pocket, but last I checked there haven't been any proven cases of giants existing, so that makes for a rather moot point anyway.  Some people just have no sense of proportion...

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Like this quote and others from Mark Sheldon's Dossier of Flayed Cliches? Why not wear it? All daily Flayed Cliches are now being made available as T-shirts in men's and women's sizes at Mark Sheldon's Spreadshirt store!

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Drink Like a Fish

Back in college, a friend once told me that he planned to drink like a fish on Saturday night.  I told him that was kinda gross.  After, fish go to the bathroom in the water they drink.  For some reason, he didn't invite me to that party on Saturday...

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Like this quote and others from Mark Sheldon's Dossier of Flayed Cliches? Why not wear it? All daily Flayed Cliches are now being made available as T-shirts in men's and women's sizes at Mark Sheldon's Spreadshirt store!

Note: The Flayed Cliche of the Day may not always be available until a few hours after it's been posted, so if you can't find it yet, check back later!

Don't Put All Your Eggs in One Basket

Someone once told me that I shouldn't put all my eggs in one basket.  I looked at him, confused, and pointed out that A) I'd already given up on chicken farming after having my fingers pecked from counting my chickens after they hatched; 2) It wasn't Easter; and III) Considering the fact that I only have two hands and one mouth, there are only so many baskets I can carry at one time, and if you can fit them all in one basket that's a lot more economical anyway.  Some people just like to make things difficult.

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Like this quote and others from Mark Sheldon's Dossier of Flayed Cliches? Why not wear it? All daily Flayed Cliches are now being made available as T-shirts in men's and women's sizes at Mark Sheldon's Spreadshirt store!

Note: The Flayed Cliche of the Day may not always be available until a few hours after it's been posted, so if you can't find it yet, check back later!