Mark Sheldon's Blog: Mark Sheldon's Dossier of Flayed Cliches, page 22

Cut the Mustard

I tried out for a talent competition once.  One of the judges told me that I just couldn't cut the mustard.  I looked at him oddly and said, "Well, I wasn't trying to cut mustard, I was demonstrating my ability to yodel 'The Farmer and the Dell' backwards while juggling on a unicycle.  Besides, cutting mustard would be a rather silly thing to do for a talent competition, anyway."  I didn't win.  Some people just have no taste for talent.  Stupid Simon Cowell.

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Buy a Lemon

One time, I took a friend along to go looking for a new car.  After looking at one of the cars, he told me that it would be buying a lemon.  I looked at him oddly and said, "I don't know where you buy your lemons, but if they're charging you several thousand dollars for a lemon, you need to start doing your grocery shopping somewhere else."  Despite his odd comment, I ended up buying the car, and it broke down and died a couple miles away from the dealership.  I suspect that my "friend" had p...

Break a Leg

I used to date a girl who was into theatrical arts.  Before one of her shows, I wished her good luck, and she got all annoyed with me and told me that I was supposed to tell her to break a leg.  I looked at her oddly and said, "Why would I tell you to do that? If you did that, then I'd have to drive you to the hospital, you'd miss your show, you'd have to walk around on crutches for a month, and I'd have to, like, take care of you and stuff.  If you want to play doctor, that's cool, but you d...

Blue Moon

A girl I was pursuing in college once told me that she would only go out with me in a blue moon.  I puzzled over this predicament for a while, then realized that the obvious solution was to dye her contact lenses blue.  She filed a restraining order on me.  Apparently, it just wasn't meant to be.

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Bite Off More Than You Can Chew

Someone once told me that I had bitten off more than I could chew.  I didn't really see how he could be the judge of that, but I try to be open to criticism, so I spit my gum back out at him.  For some reason, he got all disgusted and stomped away.  I guess he was just so used to receiving a negative reaction to his criticisms that he just didn't know how to respond.

Following in his Footsteps

My father once told me that he would love nothing more than for me to follow in his footsteps, so I really don't understand why he got so annoyed when I started following him everywhere he went, being ever-so-careful to place my feet exactly where he had.  Some people just can't seem to make up their minds about what will make them happy.

Beating a Dead Horse

Somebody once told me that I was beating a dead horse.  I calmly explained to him that as I have taken an oath of peace not to hurt any living animal, I am therefore reduced to only harm dead animals, but that was neither here nor there as at that moment I was not harming anything, either alive or dead, and that he should learn to show better tolerance of other people's beliefs.  Some people are just so narrow-minded.

An Arm And Leg

A contractor once told me that it was going to cost me an arm and a leg to do the work I was requesting.  I was rather disgusted, but I really needed the work done, so I went down to the local cemetery and collected an arm and a leg.  After he had finished vomitting, the contractor threw me out of his office and told me to take my business elsewhere.  I guess maybe he meant a non-human arm and leg, but he really should have been more specific, if that was the case.

All Wet

A co-worker once told me that I was all wet.  I snapped at him that that was entirely inappropriate workplace conversation and overturned the watercooler on him.  Some people just have no sense of tact.