Mark Sheldon's Blog: Mark Sheldon's Dossier of Flayed Cliches, page 2

Green Thumb

Somebody once told me that her uncle, a botanist, had a real green thumb. I told her that he should really get that looked at, because if his thumb has turned green that can't be a good sign, as it is probably infected or something. Some people aren't very good at recognizing signs of health problems.

Gravy Train

A friend in high school once told me that her weekend babysitting job was a real gravy train. I told her that it seemed to me like babysitting gravy would be a pretty boring job, regardless of whether it was on a train, on a plain, or even in the rain. Some people will do anything for money.

Go Over With a Fine-Tooth Comb

A friend once told me that she had gone over her entire apartment with a fine-tooth comb looking for her contact lens, but she never found it.  I told her that it would have been easier just to replace the contact, especially when you consider the fact that it would be quite likely that the comb she was using would damage the contact and render it unusable anyway. Some people take O.C.D. to absurd levels.

Go Over Like a Lead Balloon

One time, a friend told me that his Friday night date had gone over like a lead balloon. I told him it was no wonder the date didn't go well, since a normal hot air balloon would probably have been much more effective. Some men have no clue about how to be romantic.

Go Fly a Kite

One time, at the height of a heated argument, someone told me to go fly a kite.  I did as he suggested, and I found it was actually very therapeutic and relaxing.  He, however, did not go fly a kite, and I hear that he currently suffers from frequent aortic aneurysms.  Some people should take their own advice.

Give the Shirt Off Your Back

Back in High School, a female friend of mine once told me that one of our teachers was just the type of person who would give someone the shirt off of his back. I was appalled, and told her that she should report him for sexually harassing students like that. She shot me an annoyed look, and stormed away. It really is sad to see a friend living in denial about being victimized.

Get Your Goat

Somebody once told me that it really got his goat when people didn't take him seriously. I told him that maybe people would be more likely to take him seriously if he had a somewhat more normal pet, like a cat, or goldfish. He glared at me with a look of annoyance on his face, and stalked away. Some people are very odd about their pets.

Get Under Your Skin

Back in college, a female friend of mine once told me that one of our professor really got under her skin, the way he flirted with the girls in the class. I told her that she had been watching "Silence of the Lambs" way too much, as her epidermis was quite clearly still attached and did not show any evidence of having been worn by anyone other than herself. Some people confuse the line between fiction and reality way too easily.

Get the Sack

Back in college, a female friend of mine once told me that her boss had given her the sack. I told her that I hoped she meant a sack of potatoes, because otherwise she needed to file a sexual harassment complaint. Some men are pigs.

Get Something Off Your chest

One time a friend came to me and said that she needed to get something off of her chest. I told her that although I know there are plastic surgeons who will do that kind of operation, I really didn't think it was all that necessary in her case, as everything seemed to me to be in decent proportion. She slapped me across the face and didn't talk to me for a week. Some women are really touchy when it comes to their chests.