Mark Sheldon's Blog: Mark Sheldon's Dossier of Flayed Cliches, page 3

Off The Hook

Back in High School, a girlfriend once told me that she hoped her father would let her off the hook of being grounded so that she could come to the dance that weekend.  I told her that if her father was using her for fishing bait as a form of discipline, 1) that definitely falls under the category of child abuse; B) I couldn't imagine how that would be a very effective way to catch fish (except maybe Tiger Sharks); and III) I would think he'd end up breaking a lot of his fishing poles that way.

She dumped me and went to the dance with Mitch Connor instead.  Some women are very touchy when it comes to the subject of their fathers' hobbies.

Red Letter Day

A co-worker once told me that it was a red letter day.  Considering Jack the Ripper's fondness for red letters, I decided it would be prudent to inform the FBI that he might be a serial killer.  Some murderers fail at discretion.

Money Makes the World Go Round

Somebody once told me that money makes the world go round.  I pointed out to him that, technically speaking, it would be physics that makes the world go round, seeing as the Earth would keep on spinnin' if all of the money in the world spontaneously combusted tomorrow.  Some people aren't very good with science.

You Slay Me

One time, after reading one of my flayed cliches, a friend told me that I slay her.  I told her that I would appreciate it if she didn't spread such vicious, hurtful rumors about me, as I have never killed a living soul in my life (unless you count cockroaches, but I am fairly convinced those monsters are soul-less) and have no intention of slaying her or anyone else.  Some people watch too many horror movies.

What You Don't Know Can't Hurt You

A former roommate once told me that what you don't know can't hurt you.  To prove him wrong, I slipped an entire bottle of Miralax into his Gatorade.  When he finally emerged from the bathroom, I told him what I had done and asked if not knowing about it didn't hurt him.  He moved out the next day.  Some people can't admit when they've been proven wrong.

Get a Kick Out of It

Somebody once told me that he got a real kick out of reading my flayed cliches, so I don't understand why he got so irritated when I kicked him. Some people are often disappointed when they get what they ask for.

Full of Beans

Back in high school, a friend told me that the head of the cheer leading squad was full of beans.  From that point on, I made a point not to sit behind her in class, just to be on the safe side.

From Soup To Nuts

One time, just before the commencement of a talent show, the organizer of the talent show said to me, "We've got everything imaginable in this show, from soup to nuts." Naturally, I was intrigued to find out what kind of talent soup and nuts would be able to display, so I bought a ticket. Therefore, I was quite disappointed to find that there were not, in fact, any soup OR nuts featured in the contest, just a bunch of bratty kids playing "Heart and Soul" on the piano and doing interpretive dances of "Pokerface." Some people have no scruples when it comes to false advertising.

The Four Corners of the Earth

One time my Evil Twin, Kram Sheldon, told me that one day people would come from the four corners of the Earth to grovel at his feet.  I told him that he really ought to get caught up on current events, as it was proven that the Earth is, in fact, round over five hundred years ago.  Some people aren't very good at science and history.

Forty Winks

Back in college, an ex-girlfriend once told me that she just needed 40 winks before her exam that afternoon.  By the time I was done winking at her, she'd already walked away, irritated for some reason or another.  She did pass her exam, but she never thanked me for my assistance.  Some people aren't very good at showing appreciation where it is due.