Mark Sheldon's Blog: Mark Sheldon's Dossier of Flayed Cliches, page 8

The Dog Days of Summer

One time, in August, someone told me that we were in the dog days of summer. I told him that I hadn't heard anything about an invasion of the dogs - certainly I'd heard about the apes and lemurs trying to take over - but nothing about dogs.  I also told him that I figured that the cats would have something to say about that.  Some people are really overly-paranoid.

Dime a Dozen

Somebody once told me that his collection of the Hardy Boys books was worth a dime a dozen.  I quickly did the math, and figured out that a couple of bucks for almost $200 books was an extraordinary bargain and saw a great opportunity to make a good profit, and told him that I would definitely buy his set for 10 cents for every 12 books.  He glared at me and walked away.  Some people aren't very good at business.

Dead Duck

A friend once told me that he was a dead duck if his parents ever found out about the party he threw while they were out of town. I told him that I had never realized that his parents were into witchcraft, and wanted to know if they could turn me into a lemur, because those critters are awesome.  My friend glared at me and didn't talk to me for a week - and I hadn't even asked if they could introduce me to J.K. Rowling.  Some people are really touchy about their parents' social cliques.

Dead as a Doornail

Somebody once told me that he felt as dead as a doornail.  I pointed out to him that a doornail couldn't possibly be dead, as it was never alive in the first place.  So unless he was some sort of hardware reverse vampire or zombie, that really didn't make any sense.  Some people don't really understand the concepts of life and death.

Dark-Horse Candidate

Back in high school, after my Evil Twin, Kram Sheldon, lost the election for School President, he complained to me that there clearly was something wrong with the people who had counted the ballots, since the kid who won was a dark-horse candidate.  Leave it to my Evil brother to turn something into a racial-bestiality issue.  I also couldn't help but point out to him that I suspected that his loss had more to do with the fact that his campaign posters read, "Vote For Kram Sheldon or I'll Feed Your Families to my Mutant Lava Sharks."  Some people aren't very good losers.

Cutting Edge

A computer designer friend of mine once told me that he was working on the cutting edge of computer technology.  I warned him that he needed to be careful cutting stuff up when working with electronics, because that sounds like a good way to get electrocuted.  Some people don't understand how electricity works very well.

Cut Your Eyeteeth

Somebody once told me that he had cut his eyeteeth on computer programming at a very young age.  I told him not to tell my Evil Twin, Kram, that his eyes had teeth, because that sounded like something that Kram would try to replicate for one of his schemes of World Domination.  Some people have really strange birth defects.

Don't Cut Off Your Nose to Spite Your Face

Somebody once told me that I shouldn't cut off my nose to spite my face.  I told him that clearly he had me confused with my Evil Twin, Kram Sheldon, since he is the one most likely to follow in the footsteps of Lord Voldemort.  Some people have a very hard time telling the difference between Good and Evil.

Cool Heels

An old girlfriend of mine once complained about how whenever she went to the doctor's office, he always made her cool her heels forever before seeing her.  Considering everything I've heard about female doctors, I kinda thought that her heels would be the last thing she'd worry about being too cool, but I bought her a pair of warm fuzzy socks for Christmas, anyway.  Some doctors spend way too much on their air conditioning bills.

Cool as a Cucumber

A former girlfriend of mine once told me that I was cool as a cucumber.  I told her that I hadn't realized that she was into mixing food and sex, but I was open to experimenting.  She slapped me across the face and stomped away.  Some women seem to enjoy sending mixed signals.