Mark Sheldon's Blog: Mark Sheldon's Dossier of Flayed Cliches, page 11

Taking Coals to Newcastle

Back in college, one of my friends was dating the daughter of a florist, and he told me that he never knew what to get her for Valentine's Day, because bringing flowers to a florist's daughter was like taking coals to Newcastle.  I told him that those two things were nothing alike, since flowers are pretty and smell good, and coals not so much.  Also, his girlfriend was nothing at all like Newcastle.  Some men aren't very good at relationships.

Can't Hold a Candle To Her

Back in college, a friend was lamenting the end of his relationship with a girl when he told me that no one would ever be able to hold a candle to her.  To cheer him up, I decided to prove him wrong.  Unfortunately, I accidentally ended up setting the girl's hair on fire.  Some people use way too much hair product.

Can't Fight City Hall

Somebody once told me that you can't fight City Hall.  I decided that I would prove him wrong, so I got my boxing gloves, went down to City Hall and started punching the building.  The building didn't fight back, but I ended up breaking my wrist and having a lot of people look at me rather oddly.  Some people just aren't cut out for politics.

Called on the Carpet

One time, a co-worker of mine told me that our boss had called him on the carpet.  I was very puzzled by this information, because I couldn't see how our boss could have gotten the name "Tim" confused with "On the Carpet," which sounds like a name that would be given by those parents who name their children after the places where they're conceived.  Some people aren't very good with names at all.

Call the Shots

One time, on the first day of a new job, my new boss informed me that he called all the shots around there.  I told him that I was surprised to hear that, since I'd certainly had jobs in the past where the bosses were alcoholics, but I'd never had a job where they not only were so open about it, but encouraged it with their employees as well.  For some reason, I didn't last very long at that job.  Some people aren't very good at keeping their skeletons in the closet.

By the Skin of Your Teeth

One time, back when I was a spy for the CIA, my partner turned to me after a narrow escape and remarked that we had made it out of that mission by the skin of our teeth.  I told him that if he had skin growing on his teeth he should really brush his teeth more often and see a dentist if it didn't get better.  Some people just don't have very good dental hygiene.

Button Her Lip

One time, during a staff meeting, a co-worker turned to me and whispered that our boss really needed to button her lip.  I replied that I'd never heard of that fetish before (I suppose it's some kind of new piercing fad where people get pierced with buttons as opposed to rings or studs), but he should probably keep those comments to himself in the workplace.  Some people are a sexual harassment lawsuit waiting to happen.

Butterflies in the Stomach

Back in college, I dated a girl who played the piano.  She confided in me that before recitals, she always got butterflies in her stomach.  I told her that if she stopped eating butterflies before every concert, she might not get so nauseous each time.  Some people have strange eating habits...

Butter Them Up

Back in high school, a friend told me that I should try buttering up our math teacher to try and get her to give me a better grade.  I told him that although the idea was tempting, I'd seen enough cases of student-teacher relationships on the 6:00 news to know that it rarely worked out well.  Besides, using butter sounds awfully messy.  I guess some people just don't like whipped cream.

Burying Your Head in the Sand

One time, somebody accused me of burying my head in the sand.  I told him that was silly, as there weren't any beaches for miles and miles, and even if there was a beach nearby, I was far too busy with my quest to capture the Easter Bunny and sell him to the San Francisco Zoo to be bothered with playing at the beach.  Some people just have no sense of purpose.