Mark Sheldon's Blog: Mark Sheldon's Dossier of Flayed Cliches, page 14

Beggars Can't Be Choosers

Somebody once told me that beggars can't be choosers.  I told him that was really insensitive toward homeless people.  Just because they don't have a home doesn't mean that they are incapable of thinking for themselves and making choices.  Some people have no compassion for their fellow human beings.

Bed of Roses

A new hire at one of my jobs once told me that compared to his old job, this job was a bed of roses.  I told him that he might want to consider a Serta or one of those space-foam mattresses, since I couldn't imagine how getting poked in the back by sharp thorns all night would provide any kind of productive sleeping.  Some people are just WAY too much into pain.

Wear Your Heart On Your Sleeve

Somebody once told me that he was the type of person who wears his heart on his sleeve.  I told him that not only did that sound rather painful and extremely messy, but that I was pretty sure his heart wouldn't function pinned to his arm.  Perhaps he was a serial killer and meant to say that he wears the hearts of his victims on his sleeve.  Either way, some people have very strange fashion senses.

Wag the Dog

Back during my brief stint as an Evil Henchman, my boss, Mr. Mastermind, told us Evil Henchmen that we needed to wag the dog.  I spoke up and told him that I knew we were supposed to be evil and all, but bestiality was taking things a little too far, and that it certainly hadn't been listed in the job description.  There are some jobs that really aren't worth the paycheck.

Variety is the Spice of Life

Somebody once told me that variety is the spice of life.  Ever since that conversation, I have traveled the world high, low, near and far.  I have searched the depths of the Marianna Trench to the peak of Mount Everest.  I have seen things that will make your toenails curl.  But I have not yet found a spice named "variety," so I have instead been forced to settle for nutmeg to be the spice of life.

Use Your Loaf

I was once shopping for groceries at the supermarket when I got into an argument with someone over which of us should get to have the last box of pickled chocolate donuts.  In the heat of the argument, he told me that I needed to use my loaf.  I thought this was a strange suggestion, but I took his advice and began beating him over the head with the loaf of bread I had in my cart.  Guess who ended up with the donuts?

You Are What You Eat

Somebody once told me that you are what you eat.  I told him that was stupid.  If that was true, then if I were to eat Stephen King, I would be the most successful American horror writer of all time.  As is, if I were to eat Stephen King, I would be arrested and thrown in jail where I would become bunk mates with Ignacio "Fluffy" Passacaglia and I would have to give up using soap out of fear of dropping it.  Some people just have no sense of reality.

Under the Weather

Somebody once told me that he was feeling under the weather.  I told him that I'd heard of all sorts of weird fetishes before, and I generally try to be open-minded about such things, but that was just weird - not to mention that I couldn't really picture (and didn't want to, for that matter) how that would work.  Some people are just WAY too into nature.

Turn a Blind Eye

Somebody once accused me of turning a blind eye.  I snapped at him that A) Just because someone wears glasses does not make them blind, 2) even if I was blind, he shouldn't discriminate against people's handicaps, and III) turning an eye - blind or not - sounds like an altogether gross and rather painful thing to do.  Some people are so insensitive.

Tongue and Cheek

Someone once told me that he was speaking tongue in cheek.  I told him that he'd better be careful doing that, because not only could he very potentially end up biting his tongue, but he was also running the risk of attracting a Priest to start throwing Holy Water at him and yelling, "The Power of Christ compels you!" On top of all that, he might be mistaken for a gay porn star and, having bitten his tongue off, he wouldn't be able to correct the case of mistaken identity.  Some people don't think things out very well before acting.